Monday, May 18, 2009
I am going to take small, slow, and steady steps to getting back on track towards health and life goals. I've been struggling the past year with many problems - family issues, relationship issues, unemployment and financial issues, health issues - the list is endless. I am still trying to figure out who I am and where I am going and it makes this all the more difficult. I would like to begin blogging and sharing again, but I realize now that I can't make any promises because my number one dedication has to be to myself, then my family and loved ones. I am more appreciative than ever for all of the wonderful and kind words from everyone and it has motivated and encouraged me to keep going. To keep finding the ability to improve myself and hopefully inspire others.
Due to depression and anxiety it is very difficult for me to communicate well with others and to reach out in times of need. I am working on this but it too, is a slow and complicated process.
All I can truly say is to not give up and to always be as positive as you can manage. If I can't be there for you - there are so many others that are going through the same struggles with the same fears and hopes - don't ever feel alone. We will all make it somehow, at our own pace and with our own individual pathways as long as we refuse to give up.
Best wishes to all of you!
Friday, January 18, 2008
When I woke up today to see that I had about 60 e-mails from Sparkpeople (as opposed to the typical 5 daily newsletters) I knew immediately "something must be up." I wasn't too phased by it because it has been a year or so since I've lost most of my weight and I have shared my story many times and received much praise.
But as I began to read all of the comments (which I'm still sifting through) and seeing all the adds, my heart felt warmer and warmer. I'm used to the compliments and I'm used to people speaking of what an inspiration I am, but truth be told I really do think being the spotlight today is sort of a god-send for me.
See, the truth is .. I gained the most I have in a while over the holidays. Actually, I gained it directly after the holidays. After struggling between 178-180 for a year or so, I finally climbed up to 189 last week. Yes, it is just about 10 pounds more and I've gone down already but I think what shocked me the most is that when I saw the rise, I was completely okay with it - until I realized I was seeing it at 179 and not 189! My mind was playing tricks on me!
Lately it has just been really tough. My mother was tested for cervical cancer while I was more than 1,000 miles away. She's on a breathing machine at nights now. My father's spinal chord is deteriorating. My sister is trying for her first child and is terrified (She'll be 32 this year, but she has had a lot of trauma in her life). My niece and nephew are growing up without me around. My other brother is struggling greatly with debt and love. I live more than 1,000 miles from all of them. I also found out some very traumatic news while on vacation this winter that really turned my world upside down.
One of the biggest issues for me is that I am graduating after this semester with my Bachelor's degree. Fantastic! I know, but my heart is set on graduate school. I largely want to stay here in NY for it, but that means more and more years away from my family in Florida and even more struggle with money. I don't know if I can afford it, I don't know if I can make it, and I don't know what is the right decision.
These matters have been weighing on me so heavily, especially after a visit to Fl for the holidays. I find myself eating more than ever at night - snacking like I never ever have before. I keep looking for the right trigger to lead me back on track and to motivate me. I bought a little notebook with a daily calendar to write down what I eat every day. I started tracking my food again. But it has made no difference.
This - today, waking up to all of you seeing the progress I have made so far - I think this will finally be what I need. The reminder that there are so many other people out there struggling too - not only with weight loss but with family issues, work issues, school issues. I am not alone. I know I am not, but for some reason I just was keeping to myself. I need to reach out once again. I need to share myself so that I can relieve myself of these burdens.
I know I have come a long way and at times I am still very happy even at 180lbs (despite the fact that according to BMI that is still obese!) but gaining just those 9 pounds put me in a world that I did not like. I felt the gain immediately and felt my body opposing it. I don't feel good when I snack all night, I miss my work outs more than ever. I keep putting it off because classes begin soon and then I'll be working out on campus...but I need to do something NOW.
Thank you SparkPeople. I may not of had my journey here at Spark and may have come only after I had most of my success - but you have motivated me once again to reach for my ultimate goal and find out just how much further I can go.
I am definitely going to try and start involving myself more in the community here once again, even if it is just blogging about my activities. But as of now, I'm going out to rake the leaves :)
Check out the newest pictures!
Monday, December 03, 2007
SO so sooo.. it has been a long time! I've been trying to be more productive on SP but, ugh, so busy. I haven't written in my own journals or anything for months. I will try though, to write more often.
The good news is that I decided to open up a challenge to my mother and cousin, who are both visiting here in NYC for my graduation. My mother has been working on her weight as it is, but I figured maybe if we challenged each other and had a real goal date in mind, it might motivate us better. I put up a simple website for our trackers and motivational pictures. My cousin joined later. Perhaps I should even invite my father? The goal is generally 40-50 pounds by May of next year.
So that has motivated me a bit more. I did gain a bit over Thanksgiving but I am back down to 180 as of yesterday so I'm looking to a successful weigh in at the end of this week.
I also just found out that my boyfriend and I are going to FL for Christmas! So this is giving me even more motivation to get my butt in gear. I realize that I haven't been focusing on small goals so much or specific dates - which really helped me in the past. I kept track of ever week and had a goal for every holiday or major event. I didn't always make it but it still kept me quite on track.
The other thing I've decided to start doing again is tracking calories. I quit doing this for a while online because I really do know the calorie ranges for most foods and I can calculate it in my head. I still do it, but I often let myself slide. I think tracking will help keep me responsible again.
It'll be hard since most things I eat aren't really made by me but I really want to work on this and I will make the best decisions I can.
My goal for the Christmas trip is to be at 175 which is about 6 pounds at 2pounds a week. With my new jobs and finals coming up it has been really difficult to find time to work out, but I've been trying my best to squeeze in squats, sit ups.. sometimes I run up and down the stairs a few extra times.. raking leaves, etc :)
By the way, thank you ALL - yes, all of you - for your kind words and comments. I really wish I had more time to reply to everyone and I probably will after classes end (right now I'm procrastinating on two papers!) but I just want to let you all know that I am really motivated by the replies and messages and everything. I do read them all and I do go to your sparkpages and look at everything. I only wish I could do more. Thank you.
Friday, October 19, 2007
This is an article from iVillage TotalHealth "Conquer your Cravings" newsletters that I get in e-mails every day. I thought it was very fitting to my current challenge so I wanted to share - especially since many of the steps are the exact ones I've been taking.
Be a Snack Sleuth
You've probably heard suggestions like, "go for a walk," or "take a class," or even, "try knitting" for avoiding snack attacks. But according to Diet Detective Charles Stuart Platkin, JD MPH, the key to conquering your munching issues isn't avoidance, it's insight. Try his 6 step approach for establishing healthier snacking habits:
1. Explore Your Patterns: When do you snack? At work? In front of the TV? Does your snacking increase with certain moods?
2. Keep Track: Get to know your snacking habits even better by tracking them for several days in a journal. Don't try to change anything yet, just observe.
3. Examine Your Choices: According to your journal, what snacks are you drawn to? Salty foods? Sweets? Fats?
4. Identify Alternatives: Based on your snacking preferences, look at your options. For example, say you choose chips. Try buying them only in single serving bags (portion control), choosing lower calorie versions (soy chips, baked chips, etc.), or substituting (salted low-fat popcorn).
5. Prepare: Clear out unhealthy snack options, replacing them with the alternatives. Always keep healthy choices on hand.
6. Evaluate: See if your strategy is working. Are you just eating more of the low calorie snacks, or has your plan succeeded? Refine as needed.
I think I'm on step 6 at the moment :) Week two is going okay by the way. I slipped up a bit yesterday (and I have noted that it was in response to emotional issues) but I'm satisfied with my overall efforts. Especially since this is Aunt Flow's week! I don't really tend to play into the idea of "cravings" for this but I really do notice an emotional change in myself around these two weeks every month, which probably counters for a lot. But I'm focusing and paying attention and trying my best.
In other news, I'm finally bringing my own website together which may take still a couple of months but it means that I may drop from SparkPeople almost entirely upon its completion. I will miss everyone but I feel that my own website will better fit my intentions for helping to inform and motivate others :)
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