Wednesday, April 18, 2012
So in November, I started working with a personal trainer named Cory. I signed up for an introduction package of 3 sessions. I was very nervous, but I knew I needed something to keep me going because the competition I was in that got me started on my weight loss journey was ending. Originally, my plan was only to do those 3 sessions to learn proper form and kind of just pick his mind. On the third session, I decided to sign up for an additional 10 sessions expecting those to be my last. While working out with Cory, I really began to enjoy working with him because he got me through Thanksgiving and Christmas. While it wasn't perfect because I didn't do too well on my eating, it kept me going.
I ended up purchasing a total of 40 more sessions with Cory. Throughout our time together, I really began to like him as a person and trusted him and his judgement. Sometimes I would dread going to work out with him because I didn't know what kind of torture he had in plan for me, but trusted him enough to know that if it was too difficult for me, he would modify it on the spot...so I wouldn't die. But overall, I really enjoyed working with him.
I was coming up on my last 3 sessions with him from this package and he gave me the bad news of him taking a job elsewhere and that we wouldn't be able to work together anymore. I was devastated. He told me he wanted me to work with this trainer Patrick because he trusts him and he knows he is good and believed the transition would be easy. I met Patrick and he watched Cory and I workout together once which was last Friday. He kept telling me that he had my folder and would be studying it.
My first workout with him was last Monday. All day Monday I kept thinking, "I should just call in and cancel." I fought myself all day about cancelling. Even when I was getting dressed and ready to go to the gym, I was still considering cancelling even though our session was less than an hour away. But I didn't. I got dressed, went to the gym and began my cardio on the elliptical. He came and got me and we headed into the Group X room (which is where 24 hour fitness holds their classes). He had everything set up. I put my stuff down and he goes right into telling me he wants me to do incline push ups on the step which was about 1 and 1/2 feet high. Not only did he want me to do push ups, he wanted me to do BOY push ups. Mind you, up til now, I have only done modified (girl) pushups flat on the mat and even those are hard. I think I only got up to 7. But no, he wants me to do boy push ups at an incline and wants me to do 10 of them. I looked him dead in the face and said, "That ain't gonna happen." Then he said, "Ok. Try 8." I told him, "I am not even thinking that high. I am thinking maybe more like 1." He said to just try it so I did. I couldn't even do 1. I had to bring my knee up to keep me from falling flat on my face into the step. That is when he finally listened to me and had me do them on my knees. Which I could do, but without proper form. I'd curl to bring myself up because damnit, it's hard and I do not want to fall on my face. At least flat on the mat, if my arms gave out, my stomach would hit the floor first saving my face from smashing into the ground. At an incline on the step, my face or throat would smash right into the step. I was not happy.
Then he wanted me to do other exercises, none of which I have ever done with my previous trainer. He kept saying last week that he had my folder and would be studying it. Even Cory would say that he had my folder which lead me to believe he had all the workouts Cory and I did together. Turns out, he didn't. He just had a blank folder. He has no idea what Cory and I did together so not only is my trainer different, but our work outs are completely different.
As I was doing the work outs, he was having me do one exercise that was similar to what I did with Cory which is called mountain climbers. For those who are not familiar with them, you lean on a table, step or the floor and bring your knees up. Cory always had me doing them on these table things (if you watch Biggest Loser, they are the table things that they make them jump up on). However, Patrick was having me do them much lower on the step. Cory told me when we would do them that he was slowly lowering me down until I was able to do them on the ground. I started out on the tallest table and every few weeks or so, he would get a shorter table. Now suddenly I am doing them on a step. Plus, with Cory, for the mountain climbers, he would have me just touch my toes in front with my legs just going back and forth. Patrick wants me to just bring my knees all the way up to my chest as fast as I can.
Anyway, while I was doing the second set of these, he told me "10 more seconds". Suddenly my chest tightened up, I started gasping for air and started bawling like a little b*tch. I had to walk away to try to get control of myself. I expected a change in trainer, but not a change in everything else. I think I had an anxiety attack. I really don't know because I have never had an anxiety attack before. It took me a few minutes to gain control of myself but once I was able to push it all down, I went right back to the step to finish the workout. Instead of just finishing the 10 seconds I had left, he made me do 20 seconds.
It was a horrible session. I only pay for 30 minute sessions so because of all the push back I gave him and the break I needed, we were only able to do 2 sets of each exercise. I was pouring sweat so I still got a good workout, but had I had that session back in November, I would never have gone back to personal training.
Even after all of this, I still bought another 20 sessions with this trainer. I am going on blind faith that Cory is right. I know I am resistant to change and really, I think the anxiety attack was my resistance being broken down. Maybe not fully shattered, but broken down nonetheless. After our session, Patrick told me that he is going to weigh me in once a week (which is different from Cory who only weighed me at the first of each month) and he is going to take my body fat percentage every 2-4 weeks (which Cory only wanted to do every 4-6 months). He asked me what kind of workout schedule I had with Cory and I told him I would come in on Sundays, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. But that I am thinking about doing 5 days a week (with the idea that if I do 5 days a week now, when I go back to 4 days a week, I can psyche myself out and think I am getting an extra day off). Patrick jumped right on the 5 days and said he is going to write up a schedule for me. He asked me what I do for cardio when I come in and I told him 30 minutes on the elliptical and then a mile on the treadmill because I am trying to increase my speed. I stated that I use to do the bike but am now focusing on the treadmill. He then said he wants me to keep that workout for 3 of the days, but on 2 of the days, he wants me to do "sprints" on the bike. Umm, ok. Then he asked me to keep track of my eating. I told him I already do on a website and he said to print it out and bring it to him each week from Thursday to Thursday. Umm, ok.
I am trying not to think too much into it knowing it's my resistance to change causing the negativity, but seriously? If what I am doing works, why change it? If I were plateaued, I could understand the change. But I haven't plateaued. Yes, March sucked but that was because I was getting in my own way. I wasn't really trying. I am back. I am doing what I need to do. Why does everything have to change? Also, I am really not fond of the idea of him critiquing my food choices. But I am going to do it.
On top of all of this, he asked me to write him a paragraph telling him about myself. Where I started, where I am, where I want to be. Needless to say, it's more then a paragraph but I did it yesterday.
I texted Cory after my session on Monday to ask if he gave him our workouts. He said no and asked what happened. I explained the whole situation to him and he told me to talk to Patrick and tell him what I want and what I need. He offered to talk to him for me, but said if I wasn't comfortable with that then I should make it a point to talk to him. He told me not to give up and that I have what it takes to accomplish my goals.
So I am going to try. I keep telling myself that it's only 10 weeks. If I don't like it by then, I just won't sign up again. I keep trying to remind myself that these sessions will end a couple of weeks before my cruise in July. Since the beginning, or at least once I decided to go past the end of the competition, that my goal was to weigh 210 lbs by the cruise. As it stands right now, I am on target to be just below 220, but if I really push myself, I may still be able to get down to 210. Also, after talking on Friday with Cory, I decided to set a goal of losing another 50 lbs by Halloween. Well, I weigh in on Sundays so really a couple of days before Halloween. I was writing this in the "essay" Patrick wanted and I did the math and realized, if I succeed, I will be in onederland by Halloween. 50 lbs will put me at 196.6.
So no matter what, no matter how much I try to resist, no matter how much I hate it, I am going to do my best with Patrick because I know he can help me reach my goals. We may clash occasionally, but I just have to be patient and understanding. While I thought he would already know where I was and where I am, apparently he doesn't, so he has to feel me out just as much as I have to feel him out.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Trust me, if I can do it, anyone can. I have had to step out of my comfort zone on many occasions to get where I am. For instance, working with a trainer. I don't like meeting new people and often times don't like the new people I meet. Starting with a trainer was very difficult for me, and now I am having to start all over with another trainer which I am very unsure about. It's taking a lot of encouragement from my first trainer to get me to continue with training even though I know I need to keep going.
It's a lot of hard work. I have tried it before and failed. Fear of failure is still there, but I keep pushing. The last 7-8 weeks have been even more difficult. I only lost 2 lbs in the month of March. As I told my trainer, all month long I was clawing my way through it. Had it not been for my sessions with my trainer, I would have quit. It is hard work. Not just physically, but mentally. Fighting against temptations that all your life you have just given into. Saying "no" to yourself when all you want to do is say "yes", when all you have ever done is say "yes". I have been doing it now for 9 months and it is no easier now then it was 9 months ago.
I am not just making changes to my outside, but am fighting against my inside to change. Change the way I think, the way I feel, the way I deal with my feelings, the way I talk to myself or about myself. I have lifelong habits I am trying to change and it's going to take years before they are changed and even then, it's still going to be hard work. The hardest part is knowing and accepting that the things I am doing to lose weight are the things I will need to continue doing for the rest of my life in order to keep the weight off. Yes, it is supposed to get easier over time and maybe it will. But all I can attest to is that 9 months in and it's no easier then day 1. But it's worth it.
Now, after saying all that, I want to explain what I mean when I use the word "hard". It's not hard to count calories. It's not hard to go to the gym and work out. It's not hard to do what needs to be done in order to lose weight. It's not hard to lose weight. What is hard is the battle that comes with doing all the right things. It's hard not to become an obstacle in your own way. Not to talk yourself out of going to the gym, not to eat that piece of cake, or in my case hot cheetos and cheese dip with a pepsi. Hmmmm. Yummy. Or reeces. I could eat those all day. It's hard to remember why you are doing all of it. Motivation comes and goes throughout the entire journey. It's not always there. What is hard is continuing on when you are not motivated because that is when you defenses are down and you are a million times more likely to say "yes" to whatever and once you say "yes" the next "yes" becomes easier, and then the next and then the next and before you know it, you are gaining weight. Then you gotta start all over again and believe me when I tell you it feels just like starting all over again. It doesn't take as long to get back into routine, but just because you see the number on the scale going up, or your clothes getting tighter or you even make the decision to start again, that doesn't even mean the motivation will be there.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
I kicked ass this week. My calorie intake wasn't perfect. It was literally up down up down up down. Here are my total calories from Sunday to Saturday (2290, 1663, 2096, 1528, 2065, 1590, and 2365). I really wasn't trying to get above 2000 on any of those days and wasn't happy when I did. On Wednesday when I ate 1528, I probably should have been over 2000 because when I uploaded my bodybugg it said I had burned 3626 calories. That was over 2000 calorie deficit and I am only suppose to have a 1000 calorie deficit. Oh well. Can't change the past.
I went to the gym 4 days this week and of those 4 days, 3 of them were for personal training (but I also got cardio in on those days). This was my last week with my trainer. Our last session was Friday. After our session, we sat there talking for like 30 minutes. He knows how nervous I am about starting up with a new trainer and I explained to him that while I started losing weight on June 26th 2011, that was for a competition with friends. I started working with him the week after the competition ended because I knew I needed to find something that would keep me going. I was very unsure of myself and this journey. I no longer had the competition and winning as motivation. So I signed up for training sessions. In my eyes, that was my real beginning because that is when I actually started doing it for myself. So in a way, he was there from my real beginning and the fact that he won't be there anymore bothers me. Scares me in a way.
We have each others numbers and he said he will check in on me from time to time to see how I am doing and encouraged me to hit him up even if I just need to talk. While he has never had weight issues, he has worked as a personal trainer for a long time and worked with many people who have and he knows that losing weight isn't just a physical process but also a mental and emotional process. I told him I will keep in touch even if it's just the beginning of each month when I weigh in with the new trainer to let him know how I am doing. I am very introverted and don't like to call or text people randomly out of nowhere. We've been working together since November and I have never texted him with any questions, even if I did have questions because I always figured it could wait until I saw him again but by then, I would forget. So if I really want to keep in contact with him, I am just going to have to step out of my comfort zone.
On a funny note though, he had told me about a month ago that he does karaoke and sings country songs. I do karaoke often and also sing country. None of the people I go to karaoke with listen to country so I kind of miss having a friend who will go to country bars with me and sing country. When he told me that, he said "maybe I can hear you sing sometime." He goes to the bars I use to go to with a friend of mine who also listened to country, before he moved to San Diego. That was like 9-10 months ago. So it's been a long time. Anyway, at our last session, I told him we should go karaoke before he moves to Texas and he laughed and said it was tempting. I started thinking and I am kind of thinking he thinks I am asking him out or something. Mind you, he has a girlfriend, I know he has a girlfriend and I have even brought up his girlfriend a couple time in various conversations. I could be over thinking his remark or his expressions, but I think it's funny.
Anyway, back to weight loss. I got on the scale this morning and found a weight loss of 7.2 to make up for the weight gain of 4.2 last week. That brings me to a total of 75 lbs lost since I started back in June 2011. I truly feel like I am back to where I need to be so NO MORE GAINS. I expect another loss next week week and the week after that and so on. Vacations and me really don't work out so well in the weight loss dept and my next vacation isn't until July 13th so I need to kick ass for the next 12 weeks so I can lose as much weight as possible before my Cruise in July. When I first started, my original goal was to be down to 210 lbs by then. That isn't going to happen unless by some miracle I lose 2.8 lbs a week consistently. While that is possible, I am more satisfied with aiming at 2 lbs even a week which will put me just below 220. But either way, I am going to reach one of these goals.
Sunday, April 08, 2012
Seriously, this will be my last gain. I took a mini vacation since my kid has been out on spring break. Me and vacations don't work. While I hate that my next vacation isn't until July, it is going to do me some good to have a set schedule so I can get back on track. I did pretty good with my eating last week and then this week just went to hell. I didn't make my 4 days at the gym but instead only made 3 because I was suppose to do my 4th day on Friday but we spent the whole day at Knott's. So I was going to make it up on Saturday but went back to Knott's again. Needless to say, after spending two days at Knott's, I was exhausted and did not want to go to the gym. So I didn't.
But it is a new week. And this gain, which may not be real, it still showing on the scale and I am not happy about it. I look forward to seeing the number on the scale decline each week. I miss it actually. But I am the only obstacle standing in my way. Time to get the hell out of my own way and let me progress.
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