Monday, November 22, 2010
I know. I know why I've been feeling as I have. It's like the perfect storm - everything converging at once to .. give me an excuse to be a weenie and make excuses and flounder. I was a smoker for 28 years. Now I'm not. Now I'm not even using the patch. Now, I'm dealing with becoming a person who does not depend on nicotine. It's not going very well, but I will not cave in.
I'm up several pounds. My eating was completely out of hand over the weekend. My movement was nil. I ache, physically and emotionally. I'm weathering this storm. Granted, not very well, but I'm holding on. I know this will pass. I know this isn't a permanent thing (what if it IS permanent and I end up always and forever feeling like this??). It is not permanent and having a smoke (just one? Maybe in the morning, yea? Just one and that's all.... until you're back to a pack a day) is not the solution.
I also now know that I don't want to go back to the way I was before SP. I revisited that person, that attitude, that out of control inhaling of food this weekend, and I don't ever want to go back to that again.
I have a 5K, my first, in 2 weeks - 13 days. I'm no where near finished with C25K. That's ok. I'll finish it eventually. I'll probably do it over again. Whatever. I can't quit now. I'll make it through this week, and the next, and the next, one step, one breath, one moment, one day at a time.
I'm not whining. I'm not looking for pity. I'm owning up to being a trainwreck the last three days, and forcing myself to get my act together. I don't even want to RAWR right now. I just want to breathe, maybe finally have a good cry, get it out of my system, and remember how good it feels to walk/run 3 miles.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Jillian + kettlebell = 30 minute awesome workout
30 minute kettlebell workout Sunday + deskjob on Monday = Ow
Ow + W5D2 = Owww
I've got a silly grin on my face and achy muscles. I did my run, and I enjoyed my run. I'm going to have soup for dinner, then get a nice relaxing shower, and crawl into bed.
Sleep tight gang.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Pity-party over. No really, it IS. I've moved on to p*ssed. I'm ticked to the extreme, and that's usually when things start happening. I know, right? Took me long enough.
Have I been eating the best I could the last week or two?
No. I've been dillydallying about, eating at the high end of my range, even over.
Have I been putting in the effort and time to be fit and combat the change in habits?
No. I've been active, but not as active as I could be. Hello, Strength Training anyone??
Have I made ANY adjustments at ALL for quitting smoking?
Then shut the *bleep* up and move on d*mnit!
I get a little cussy when I get ticked to the extreme.
So yea, I'm up to 239.2 this morning. Whatever. It's a number. It's not the end-all, be-all. That sucker will change again tomorrow, and I'll deal with it. I was going to whine and moan s'more, but I checked SP to see how many calories whining burns and guess what? It doesn't!
Instead, I dressed up in layers, checked the hourly forecast for Portland, tied on my runners, and went to the golf course to run the trail. Yea, it's more of a slow jog walk thing, but I'm calling it running because it's MY version of running.
The trail is usually pretty busy, even on drizzly days like today, so while Bill drove us there (yes, he went with) I mentally went through all the things people might think about me when they saw me running.
"Whoa! Fatty, you better run."
You're right, I better, and I am. Stuff it.
"Good for you for trying."
Yep, I'm trying, and I'm succeeding.
(One lady ran by me, going the other way, and gave me this big smile, and I grinned back at her. I swear she was saying "you GO girl!" and it felt good)
"Dude! Look at the junk in her trunk. It's more like an overstuffed full-sized pickup bed."
Blow it out your ear, buster.
"What's that on her head?"
It's my toboggan and it makes me happy, d*mnit, leave me alone!
I've had it with the little voice in my head that's trying to defeat me or talk me into returning to slug-like life. I've decided to consider that voice as the voice of Fat. We had a slight disagreement this morning.
"You look ridiculous."
Me? I look ridiculous? Really?
And what, you look super-fly, jiggling around on my *ss and my gut? Step off jack, you're through here.
Told you I've been feeling like Sybil lately.
I haven't been on the trail in.. must be a month now. I've missed it. You can go clockwise or counter-clockwise. We usually go counter-clockwise, to avoid starting out up the big long hill. This morning, I wanted that big long hill.
I NEEDED that big long hill.
Just like losing weight, taking a while to actually SEE the results of my efforts, I needed to FEEL the results of quitting smoking Nov. 1. I felt it this morning.
I FELT IT THIS MORNING YEA!!!
I motored up that hill like nobody's business. Yea, I was winded when I got to the top, but I didn't feel like I was going to fall over and pass out. I felt GOOD. It was worth it!
I did my run. C25K W5D1. I ran the first 5 min. run completely. After that, I probably made it through 3-4 mins. of each 5 min. run, but kept on going, kept on trying. So what if I didn't run every step of every interval. I ran. I ran my best. I kept making deals with myself - run to that tree. Oh, the tree's almost here, you can make it to the bushes now. Get to the top of the hill and you can walk. Ok, enough walking, run now. RUN!
I did. And when I was done, I'd covered 2 miles in 32 minutes, and met up with Bill. He had walked and run at his own pace, doing his own thing. We decided to walk at least one more mile together, and we played around as we did. I mean, he'd take off running, and I'd wait a few heartbeats, then take off after him. He's quick for an old dude! (Don't tell him I said that) We played catch-up back and forth for the last mile, talking and laughing, and it felt like I was healed from whatever mopey whiney affliction had taken hold of me.
Yea, I still weigh 239.2 lbs. Probably. Maybe more. Most likely. Whatever. I didn't weigh myself when I got home. I care, but I don't. I don't deserve to whine anymore. Heck, even if I'm doing every single thing possible in the world to lose weight and I don't lose another ounce, I don't deserve to whine.
I love and appreciate your support, every single one of you. Someone needed to kick my *ss, though, and get me fired up. Call it tough love. Call it a reality check. Call it whatever. Who knew I could lift my foot that high, backwards, to kick my own caboose?
My weight does not define me. I am so many more things than my weight. It'll be nice IF/when I start losing again, but even if I don't, I'm winning at life.
So take that, Fat, and get bent.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Sometimes, life.. fate.. karma.. whatever you want to call it, or believe in.. puts something in your path that you need.
I was a grumbling recipient of just such a gift today.
I love getting my SP emails. Be they notices that a new post has been made on one of my teams, or SP emails with articles, recipes, exercise tips, etc. I look forward to them each morning. Heck, I spend the majority of my mornings pouring over the emails, the posts, the articles, the tips. It helps keep me grounded, focused, motivated, groovin' on the Spark-high. And yes, this is all going on while at work, slinging tickets and requests as they come in, so sometimes, my reading pleasure has to take a back seat LOL Ahem.
Anyway, one of the emails this morning dropped a gem in my lap.
Do You Suffer from Diet Rage?
Rules of the Road to Help You Reach Your Destination
Hello??!?! That's me lately. I read that article originally on May 20. I received my Spark points for reading it then. I probably didn't need that article then nearly as much as I needed it today.
I'm struggling. Y'know how they talk about the weather in some places? If you don't like the weather, wait a few minutes, it'll change. That's me, with my moods this week. I'm feeling like Sybil, frankly, and it's getting tiresome not only for me, but for those good folks who surround me. Workmakes, family and friends. And y'all, too, I suspect.
I'm trying to RAWWR! I am. I was. I did! Monday was a great day (yes, it happened to be a vaca day away from work LOL) but Tuesday rather brought me back down to earth, and I've been slogging along since then. I'll survive, and won't do any lasting emotional damage to myself or others.
It has felt as though I'm in a traffic jam of weight loss. Yesterday, the scale was kind and showed me that the recent small gains had been.. what? A cruel joke played by the scale? My body playing "gotcha!"? I'd lost 1 1/2 lbs. Awesome.
This morning, I'm up 3 lbs. LOL Oy!
I know. I shouldn't weigh daily. So many things can make the scale fluctuate. Water retention due to Auntie Flo, high sodium intake, the backfield being slow doing what it's supposed to do, on and on.
You're big kids, you can read the article for yourselves. I know this. I'm posting the pearls of wisdom I need today, here, for me.
~*~ Pay less attention to how much further you have to travel. Stop asking yourself "are we there yet?" Youíll get there when you get there. Instead, look at the scenery, think about life, carry on a conversation, sing along with the radio, or simply be thankful for how far youíve come.
~*~ The journey is always more fun with a passenger. Have you asked anyone along for the ride?
~*~ You know the route you need to take to reach your weight loss goals. Itís already mapped out. As long as you stay pointed in the right direction, youíll get there. Even in the worst traffic jams, you still get to your destination at some point. Itís the same way with dieting Ė just a matter of time. It may take longer than you first expected, but you will get there.
~*~ There will always be periods of stopping and starting. Itís something that you should just anticipate and allow for. No use getting upset or stressed about not making progress. Itís a normal part of the journey.
~*~ Sometimes, youíve just gotta go with the flow of whatís going on around you. Life can present some situations that you really canít do anything about. When that happens, staying straight and steady Ė doing the best that you can Ė will keep you on track and sane. In traffic, impatient people stop, change lanes, weave in and out of other cars, driving themselves and everyone else crazy Ė and in the end, usually donít get any farther along than you do by staying put and going with the flow.
~*~ Shortcuts never work.
~*~ Driving too fast is dangerous. Thatís why they call it "crash" dieting. Slow down, take what life gives you, and make sure you arrive at your destination in good health.
Thank you, Mike Kramer. Thank you, SparkPeople. Thanks for the reminder.
I'm taking a breath, prying my hands off this proverbial steering wheel, and regrouping.
Saturday, November 06, 2010
I'm pretty sure a conversation took place recently, and it went something like this...
[Battalion Cmd. Lt. Col. Brain]
Alright troops, we need to kick our efforts into high gear and secure the loss of further weight in Operation SlimDown. Pass the word and make it happen.
Are you on crack? She quit smoking, and I'm slowing down. There's only so much I can do.
[1st Sgt. Willpower]
Bullcrap. Quit yer whining, Sir, and get with the program.
What was that 1st Sgt?
[1st Sgt. Willpower]
You get the gist. The Brain may really be in charge, but the Metabolism stands between it and Willpower on making things happen.
I gained a little this week. Nothing major, and I'm not completely off the rails (oh yea, then why am I posting this??) but I am antsy about it.
I've read all the material out there - the average smoker who quits smoking may (usually?) gain between 5-10 lbs. Smoking increases your heartbeat, which increases your metabolism. Not by leaps and bounds of course, but it does have its effect. Also, smoking (for me) always took place outside - whether on breaks at work (I'd walk down 3 flights of stairs to get to the smoking area, then back up 3 flights, 2-3 times a day) or at home (this meant pacing around, usually, just passing time).
I'm active though. More active than I've ever been in my life. I'm hoping this will offset the drop in heartrate and missed opportunities to move even a little. I try to get in a couple of breaks at work, outside, but I'm finding without craving that smoke on break, I'm breezing right by breaktime. Maybe I need to set a reminder in Outlook to get up and MOVE!
I told Bill that if I started gaining significantly, I'd pick up the smokes again to stop it. He gave me The Look, and well.. I changed it to a maybe. I know in the long run I'm doing something very very good, so I won't cave over a few pounds.
There, I put it in writing. That'll make it harder to renege.
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