Saturday, August 28, 2010
If you read my last entry, you recall how EXCITED I was for the Hood to Coast race, and the Sparkin' HTC team, made up of SparkPeople! In all my excitement, I totally dorked it up and thought they'd be coming through Portland on Saturday.
They started the race FRIDAY morning at Mt. Hood, and would be hitting Portland Friday afternoon. Yikes! At least I was having my Friday off from work, so I was Sparkin' away that morning and started checking out the HTC webpage and realized my mistake.
Needless to say, my level of babble to Bill kicked up a notch. Heh. Poor man. Good man - he listened to it all, and made sure we finished our errands early enough that we could leave for the site of Exchange, where KAYAKID had told me both vans would be, and the whole team - except the runner for that leg (turned out to be KEAKMAN).
KAYAKID had said they should be arriving around 5 or so, but wouldn't know for sure until KEAKMAN started her run. We left the house at 3:30, because.. yea, I had ants in my pants and didn't want to be late (who knew what Portland traffic would be like trying to get there) and wanted to be sure we could find somewhere to park.
We arrived at the location (and knew we were in the right place from the Hood to Coast signs set up at the site) and it was only 3:50. Uhhh.. ok, we're early, let's cruise around and see what we can see. We piddled about for a half hour and headed back to park. Still no sign of runners, vans, officials - anyone! Slowly though, vans started trickling in, and around 4:45 or so the first runners started appearing.
Aaaaaaaaaallllllllllright! Here we go!
We watched teams come and go, runners run in and make their exchanges (giving a slap wristband to the next runner for the next leg), ogled and chuckled over team names. We figured out RoadKills wasn't a team name, but a designation that their runners had passed that many other runners. Lots of people, lots of cheering, lots of SUN and FUN.
We walked the parking area several times, up and back, to see if I could spot the Sparkin' vans. We always came up empty, and I started to worry that we'd missed them somehow. We hung out cheering and watching until around 7. By then, I was ready to say 'we tried!' and head home to see if I could get updates from the HTC team page.
We got in the car, and carefully made our way out of the parking area (did NOT want to be responsible for running a racer over. That would be bad!) So we're heading down the road back to town, and I spot a van with a big ole SparkPeople emblem on the front.
SparkPeople! It's them! WooHoo!
Bill whipped the car around and we headed back, parking not far from where they were gathered. I climbed out and head for the group of people, and 10-15 feet away let out a big "SPARKPEOPLE!" and threw my hands in the air. They looked at me and answered with a "Yes!" and then..
Then I froze. Uh.. huh. I hadn't thought out what to say past "SPARKPEOPLE!" so I stuttered and stammered and somehow managed to spit out that I'm a SparkPeople, too!
They were great, gracious in the midst of their race, and, as I explained to Bill later, for me it was like meeting total RockStars! These are people who are like me - were like me, started at some point on SP, working on becoming healthier, more fit, more fabulous, and they're still involved and still working and still succeeding.
I'm shy by nature - that doesn't translate well here in text, but meeting new people usually isn't my forte. This though, was important, and I put myself out there and they reciprocated. There were hugs and - have you tried saying CBAILEYC outloud? It's a mouthful, but I spit out my username to folks and figured out who most everyone was.
SP Coach Nancy was among the team, and she's as wonderful as the rest. More hugs, more smiles, and there's me, tongue-tied and waving my hands about madly (yea, I'm a hand-talker when I'm nervous) telling her how much I love SP and what it's meant to me and I just HAD to come down to support the HTC team.
Time's a funny thing - it goes by quickly, but seems to take a while. I'm sure Einstein is rolling in his grave with my description here, but whatever. Before we knew it, one van had to leave to head to the next exchange point, and the other was staying to pick up KEAKMAN after her exchange.
I admit, the name of the lady she passed off to escapes me. My apologies to her!
I got to talk with GAYEMC, TRUEART2, met KASHMIR at the end, and watched the exchange, then felt like a goob when they introduced me to KEAKMAN because she'd just run her hiney off and was breathing and recovering. She was gracious as well, and I appreciated it.
It was time for them to move on, and we had to scoot off, too. It was falling dark quickly, and they had many miles to go. You know what I said about time back there? Yea. It was all over in the seeming blink of an eye, and yet I'm never going to forget walking up, yelling SPARKPEOPLE then freezing like a deer in headlights before finally babbling away at these great friendly awesome people!
It was so awesome in fact that I woke up early this morning, checked the clock, and wondered when Coach Nancy would start her final leg - she was to start at 6 a.m. I got up, made the coffee, took the girls out, and hit SP to spin the wheel LOL and start checking for updates.
Once Bill was up, and we'd both had a yogurt (I'm SO not a 'eat first thing in the morning' person) we motored off to the golf course. We completed 4 miles in 76 minutes (W00T us!) and I kept telling myself while we were tackling the big hill that if the Sparkin' team can RUN mountains, I can darn-well climb my happy huffin'-puffin' behind up this little hill - and I DID! All along the way, I kept the HTC team in mind and picked up my pace and kept striding along.
Once we got home, feeling mighty accomplished for the walk, Bill suggested we take the girls for a spin around the block. We did one more mile in 22 minutes - this mile took longer because Maggie has to stop and piddle (or.. ahem.. y'know..) in every other patch of grass she sees. That's alright, though.
I got five miles in today. I'm going to keep improving. I'm doing a 10K walk in October. Who knows what I'll be doing this time next year!
Today, I RAWWR'd and I love it! What about you??
Thursday, August 26, 2010
I really want to say Thank You! to those people who read my declaration of control and offered encouragement and understanding. So..
Sometimes you just have to get ticked enough to change your attitude and get off your rumpus and get moving again. I was Quite ticked, mmm'hmmm!
I had just walked 4 miles before making the post, and the whole way my electronic/dance/techno music was blaring, the beat was pulsing, and my heart was thumping as I motored my way around the trail. It felt good to breeze right by my normal stopping point and keep on going, pushing on, pushing Pushing for more. It was cleansing, too. I got away from the thoughts of worry and stress and just kept urging myself on. Get lost in the sound, get lost in the beat, get lost and get moving.
In addition to sweating it out, the negativity just poured off me as well - yep, like water off a Duck's back. Hee! I let it roll and emptied it out and made my declaration of control and RAWWR'd loud and proud. It was like a primal release. Does that sound hokey? Meh, let it be hokey, it's true.
RAWWR = Remarkable Amazing Warrior Woman Roaring
I'm making it my own - I know, I know... rawr means 'I love you' in dinosaur speak, and that's fine. I'm co-opting the above version for myself.
I am Remarkable.
I am Amazing, even to myself.
I am a Warrior Woman, fighting for myself now, but fierce for family and friends as/when needed.
I am going to Roar and love it! Why be meek and mild? What's it gotten me? Nothing. Pffft. Enough of that.
I am EXCITED about Hood to Coast this weekend. If you haven't read it yet, you should:
We have our very own SparkPeople team running in HTC this year. I'm super psyched by this - I think it's completely awesome, and I am completely inspired. Am I going to rush out and start running now? No.
KAYAKID was kind enough to post a reminder to the Portland SP team page with a reminder about the event, and I Spark-mailed him for more information.
The plan is to meet up with the team, vans and all, to cheer them on in their efforts - that may mean simply rattling a cowbell and whoopin' it up for them as they pass by, and I'm good with that! Don't want to get in the way, but at the same time I can't imagine letting this opportunity slip right by without making the effort. I wasn't able to attend the Portland SP meet-up last month and regret that, so I'm determined to get out there and cheer on our team. W00T!
Want to come along? Send me a Spark-mail and we'll coordinate something for Saturday late afternoonish.
Now, about that inspiration - yea, I'm not running. Maybe, someday, I won't nix it completely, just not right now. I have, however, signed up for the Mayor's Walk - a 10K non-competitive walk at the end of the Portland Marathon in October.
I registered yesterday, and I'm still giddy at the prospect. I'll be walking with 4MY2KIDZ, and hopefully other SparkFriends! I'm excited to have this goal to work toward and a reason to step up beyond my 2-3 mile walks (which feel like a total and complete breeze now) to longer distances and times.
Wouldn't it be awesome if this was the start to a Portland To Coast walking team for 2011? Hee!
Keep Rockin' and RAWWR'in. There's nothing we can't do.
Monday, August 23, 2010
I control my life. I am in control. I decide how I'm going to feel, what I'm going to eat, how far I'm going to walk, how much effort I'm going to put into life.
Outside influences effect my life - I decide how to handle them.
People come and go - I decide how I'm going to feel about it.
Food is abundant - I decide what goes in my mouth.
There are many roads to travel - I decide which ones, and how far.
This is MY life. I share it with others, but I'm the only one inside my skin, the only one rattling around in my brain, the only one who has to live with my thoughts.
Enough. Enough fat, enough stress, enough worry, enough self-pity. Enough.
I control my life. I'm tired of being this person right now, this past month. It's enough. I'm done feeling like a victim, like everything is out of control.
This is my life, and I'm taking back control.
Friday, August 20, 2010
It's been another one of those weeks, so I'm all over the board, bear with me.
Good news/bad news
I've been wanting to do this for a while now, but haven't put it into text yet.
Good news! My thighs are rubbing together.
Why is this good? Because my thighs haven't parted company of their own volition for quite a very long time. Uh.. well, except for normal thigh-parting activities that is ~ahem..~ Anyway, they're moving against each other now instead of being squashed together like two pigs in a rucksack.
Bad news. My thighs are rubbing together.
This means I need to get off my patootie and get moving again, so they stop rubbing together and have sufficient space between them to not rub because they're so thin! Talcum powder is our friend until then.
Good news! My rings are looser.
For a while at the end of 2009 - maybe 3-4 weeks or so - I had to wear my wedding/engagement rings on my right hand, because they were too small to fit on my left hand. Yes, I'd gained weight after we bought the rings, and that was my way of dealing with it. Now, my rings fit just fine, thank-you-very-much, and are even reaching the point where they're getting a little loose. I'll get them sized as needed, but I'm not at that point yet.
Bad news. My rings are looser.
I wear three other rings aside from my wedding/engagement rings. One is from my mom that I wear on my right-hand pinky. One is from Bill that I wear on my left-hand pinky. And the last one that I wear on my right-hand ring finger is a simple woven band that I bought myself several years ago at a gift shop near Mt. St. Helens.
The one from my mom and the one from Bill are both too big now for my pinkies. So, I'm shifting left-hand pinky to right-hand pinky, right-hand pinky to right-hand ring finger, and right-hand ring finger to right-hand middle finger. Or somesuch configuration.
I love my rings, and they each mean something special to me. As I keep on losing weight, I'll have to keep shifting until I finally have to get them sized as well.
Good news! My skinny jeans are now my big jeans.
I've shrunk down into my skinny jeans, and can now pull them up and down without unbuttoning or unzipping them. Progress!
Bad news. My skinny jeans are now my big jeans.
I'm running out of skinny jeans. I have.. had.. a variety of sizes from the last four years of up-and-down'ing it with my weight. I'm reaching a point where I'm into the smallest sizes I have, and will have to invest, in a month or two hopefully, in even smaller sizes. I was born without a shopping gene, so I'll have to psych myself up for it.
Good news! Bill can spend more time at home with the girls and taking care of honey-do lists.
He has a few projects that he's put off, much like everyone, and can now devote a bit more time to them.
Bad news. Bill can spend more time at home with the girls and taking care of honey-do lists.
Bill was laid off from his job this week. We dipped into panic mode (by 'we' I mean me) that first day, then slowly clawed my way back up to "we'll figure it out and be ok". His retirement will kick in in three months, so we'll have manage until that time. It's a scary, frightening, panic-laden thing, and I'm having to exert energy into dealing with this abrupt change to our lives. So much energy that I've had no energy for anything else. No walking, no strength training, no yoga, nada. I turned to pasta for comfort Wednesday evening for dinner, but it was whole wheat, and I didn't eat the whole thing by myself, so it wasn't a total loss. Did I mention the Peanut Butter M&Ms as well? Nevermind, it was bad, but I logged it all.
This took the wind out of my sails. Again. Add to that that my daughter has opted to move to California to be with an ex-boyfriend. Wouldn't be that big of a deal, except she's been gone two weeks now and I've only just found out by calling her work to see if she was there and THEY told me. She didn't call, didn't come by, didn't anything. She just .. poof! Disappeared off the face of the earth I occupy and call home. She lives.. lived 10 minutes away, she couldn't let me know? Stop by, call, h*ll even TEXT me that she was leaving? Nevermind the lease she's broken, the crap she left behind, everything she's left behind. I'm just another part of the detrius left bobbing aimlessly in the wake of her decisions.
I hate that I've turned into this whiny blogger. All I've done lately is whine, and I'm sorry. That title up there ^^^ Be the Duck..? Yea. That's what I'm trying for. I want to be the duck, the proverbial duck, the Zen duck, the calm duck at rest. I want to let this.. good and bad.. roll off my back and keep on going. I know, ducks usually appear calm and serene on the surface while below the surface they're paddling those little webbed feet like mad. I want to stop paddling and just float. I can't fight what's happened, but I can gain back control of those things that are mine, are within my grasp, and get my butt back into gear.
I can't let this twist'n'turn in life derail me completely and shove my off my chosen path. I may veer all over the place for a while, but as long as some forward progress is included in the veering, I'll consider it a positive thing.
Friday, August 13, 2010
While Iíve been silent on Spark for the most part, Iíve still be here every day, tracking what Iím eating, seeing the dismal results of my cursory efforts at exercising and moving, wracking up the Spark points and keeping tabs on you, my friends - reading blogs, updates, cheering your successes and commiserating, albeit mostly quietly as a few of you struggled. I was right there with you. You guys helped a lot, keeping me connected to the new Spark-me and lifestyle while I adjusted to my new Ďnormalí worklife.
I got up this morning, saw the Hubster off to work, then piddled around here and there. The Girls had an appointment for their rabies shots at 9:30, so the morning was pretty much wide open. I watered some of our suffering flowers in the backyard. Theyíd been neglected while I wallowed, so I tried to make it up to them with good long cool drinks of water before the 90+ degrees hit later. Then, I did a bit of yoga, and really concentrated on what I was feeling, listening to and feeling my breathing, just being quiet and present in the moment.
I took care of a few other chores, and still had plenty of time to get ready for the vet visit. I decided to try on my new favorite tshirt. Itís a menís X-large, which is an improvement from needing a XXX- or XX-Large. Yay. Itís an old-style Pepsi shirt, and I got it at Target for like $10. When I bought it, I brought it home and tried it on, and it was still a bit snug around the middle, so I put it in my drawer, figuring Iíd try again at some point. I tried again this morning, and it fit!
Last month, Iíd asked Bill to take a couple of pictures of me, to use for my Ďin progressí shots. I meant to take more on Aug. 8, but blew it off instead. This morning, I figured why wait? I got myself together, and found a workable mirror, posing this way and that and laughing at myself, feeling like a goob.
Iíd confessed to Bill earlier this week that I felt like the way I look would never change - the numbers on the scale would (hopefully) keep going down, and clothes would keep fitting differently, but I didnít feel like the way I look had changed any. In light of that, I really wanted to see if I could see any difference after 30 lbs now.
After I snapped a few pictures, I harnessed up the girls and took them for a quick 1 mile spin around the neighborhood to dispel some of their nervous energy for the vet visit. We trucked right along, and were back at the house in 18 minutes. W00T me! Usually itís a 20 min. mile for me, but I felt like my pace was quicker, and my watch and mileage tracker confirmed that it was. Excellent.
We got through the vet visit fine (Millie has gained another 4 lbs since Feb, going to have to find a SparkPets for her!) and landed back home. I replaced my computer recently, and lost my old Paint Shop Pro that Iíd had for image editing. A quick Google search for Ďfree paint shop proí turned up Gimp 2.
It was similar enough to PSP that I downloaded it and got it installed.. It did come with what I like to call ícrapwareí but I uninstalled that as soon as the install was done. I started working on the pictures I had, all taken with my Crackberry.
This is me, July 6:
This is me, August 13:
And this is a composite pic from Dec. 09 to Aug. 10 (yes, I know you can read whatís on the pictures, but I feel like I should still identify them).
So, I was on crack! No difference in the way I look? Like hell. Honey I look GOOD! Iím thrilled with the difference that these pictures have finally allowed me to see.
See, before, I suffered from fatorexia. No really, itís a real thing, Google it. Go on, Iíll wait.
See?? So yea, I knew I was overweight, logically knew I was likely morbidly obese, but I thought I was tall enough (donít get me started on my heightorexia again LOL) that I carried my weight pretty well and didnít look that bad. Pfffffft! Obviously I dodged the camera enough to keep my self-delusions.
Now, I know Iím obese. My BMI tells me so. I recognize it, I see it, I own it, I am. I have 60 more lbs to go before Iím simply overweight. Iím looking forward to making that destination. But, if I want to fall within the Ďhealthyí range, I have another 90 lbs to lose. Holy snikies! Ok, Iím not freaking out, much, but it just seems like so much more. Then again, Iím not going anywhere, Iíve got nothing else to do but keep on working on my healthier, more active life, and time is going to keep passing no matter what I do, so why not?
Iíve adjusted my Goals to reflect landing within the Ďhealthyí BMI range.
Iíve adjusted my timeline and reasonable expectations.
Iíve adjusted my weighloss tracking displayed on my Spark page and any posts I make.
Iím owning it. Youíre all my witnesses.
I said I am going to do this, and Iím Going To Do This!
Mostly. I cannot imagine that I will ever weigh what the BMI scale says is Ďhealthyí but Iíll get darned close. Yes indeedy.
One more thingÖ
AnneSylvia, you made me smile with your question on my Aug. 1 blog, asking if Iím a writer. Iím not. Not a real paid writer, no. I write here, and itís a good outlet for me. Iíve written strictly for myself in the past, when words get jumbled up in my head and I needed to get them out. Iím grateful for this outlet on Spark, and that you Ďhearí me when I let the words tumble.
Thank you! ~hugs..~ Thank you ALL for hearing me!
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