Friday, August 13, 2010
While Iíve been silent on Spark for the most part, Iíve still be here every day, tracking what Iím eating, seeing the dismal results of my cursory efforts at exercising and moving, wracking up the Spark points and keeping tabs on you, my friends - reading blogs, updates, cheering your successes and commiserating, albeit mostly quietly as a few of you struggled. I was right there with you. You guys helped a lot, keeping me connected to the new Spark-me and lifestyle while I adjusted to my new Ďnormalí worklife.
I got up this morning, saw the Hubster off to work, then piddled around here and there. The Girls had an appointment for their rabies shots at 9:30, so the morning was pretty much wide open. I watered some of our suffering flowers in the backyard. Theyíd been neglected while I wallowed, so I tried to make it up to them with good long cool drinks of water before the 90+ degrees hit later. Then, I did a bit of yoga, and really concentrated on what I was feeling, listening to and feeling my breathing, just being quiet and present in the moment.
I took care of a few other chores, and still had plenty of time to get ready for the vet visit. I decided to try on my new favorite tshirt. Itís a menís X-large, which is an improvement from needing a XXX- or XX-Large. Yay. Itís an old-style Pepsi shirt, and I got it at Target for like $10. When I bought it, I brought it home and tried it on, and it was still a bit snug around the middle, so I put it in my drawer, figuring Iíd try again at some point. I tried again this morning, and it fit!
Last month, Iíd asked Bill to take a couple of pictures of me, to use for my Ďin progressí shots. I meant to take more on Aug. 8, but blew it off instead. This morning, I figured why wait? I got myself together, and found a workable mirror, posing this way and that and laughing at myself, feeling like a goob.
Iíd confessed to Bill earlier this week that I felt like the way I look would never change - the numbers on the scale would (hopefully) keep going down, and clothes would keep fitting differently, but I didnít feel like the way I look had changed any. In light of that, I really wanted to see if I could see any difference after 30 lbs now.
After I snapped a few pictures, I harnessed up the girls and took them for a quick 1 mile spin around the neighborhood to dispel some of their nervous energy for the vet visit. We trucked right along, and were back at the house in 18 minutes. W00T me! Usually itís a 20 min. mile for me, but I felt like my pace was quicker, and my watch and mileage tracker confirmed that it was. Excellent.
We got through the vet visit fine (Millie has gained another 4 lbs since Feb, going to have to find a SparkPets for her!) and landed back home. I replaced my computer recently, and lost my old Paint Shop Pro that Iíd had for image editing. A quick Google search for Ďfree paint shop proí turned up Gimp 2.
It was similar enough to PSP that I downloaded it and got it installed.. It did come with what I like to call ícrapwareí but I uninstalled that as soon as the install was done. I started working on the pictures I had, all taken with my Crackberry.
This is me, July 6:
This is me, August 13:
And this is a composite pic from Dec. 09 to Aug. 10 (yes, I know you can read whatís on the pictures, but I feel like I should still identify them).
So, I was on crack! No difference in the way I look? Like hell. Honey I look GOOD! Iím thrilled with the difference that these pictures have finally allowed me to see.
See, before, I suffered from fatorexia. No really, itís a real thing, Google it. Go on, Iíll wait.
See?? So yea, I knew I was overweight, logically knew I was likely morbidly obese, but I thought I was tall enough (donít get me started on my heightorexia again LOL) that I carried my weight pretty well and didnít look that bad. Pfffffft! Obviously I dodged the camera enough to keep my self-delusions.
Now, I know Iím obese. My BMI tells me so. I recognize it, I see it, I own it, I am. I have 60 more lbs to go before Iím simply overweight. Iím looking forward to making that destination. But, if I want to fall within the Ďhealthyí range, I have another 90 lbs to lose. Holy snikies! Ok, Iím not freaking out, much, but it just seems like so much more. Then again, Iím not going anywhere, Iíve got nothing else to do but keep on working on my healthier, more active life, and time is going to keep passing no matter what I do, so why not?
Iíve adjusted my Goals to reflect landing within the Ďhealthyí BMI range.
Iíve adjusted my timeline and reasonable expectations.
Iíve adjusted my weighloss tracking displayed on my Spark page and any posts I make.
Iím owning it. Youíre all my witnesses.
I said I am going to do this, and Iím Going To Do This!
Mostly. I cannot imagine that I will ever weigh what the BMI scale says is Ďhealthyí but Iíll get darned close. Yes indeedy.
One more thingÖ
AnneSylvia, you made me smile with your question on my Aug. 1 blog, asking if Iím a writer. Iím not. Not a real paid writer, no. I write here, and itís a good outlet for me. Iíve written strictly for myself in the past, when words get jumbled up in my head and I needed to get them out. Iím grateful for this outlet on Spark, and that you Ďhearí me when I let the words tumble.
Thank you! ~hugs..~ Thank you ALL for hearing me!
Friday, August 13, 2010
You guys, it feels like Iíve been quiet/missing so long - nearly 2 weeks now. Just when I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and felt like a human bean again on August 1, the wind of change blew through like a hurricane. The Catastrophe. I always thought I was relatively even-tempered, managing change as it came along and remaining rather low-key. Not so!
Without going into details or my opinons (I prefer not to get ďdoocedĒ [look it up on Google]) on August 2, my work environment was turned on its head and my worklife was altered in a horrible way. Sounds dramatic doesnít it?
Iím still employed, and for that Iím grateful. Others arenít though, and it felt like my heart was ripped out and any joy in my job was blown to smithereens. Iíve been wrestling with anger, sadness, guilt, a sense of injustice, and an inability to deal with the change or do anything to support the people who were most effected by this change.
I know, there IS such a thing as layoff survivor guilt, and ~raising hand..~ I have it. Itís not my fault, in no way does it have anything to do with me. None the less, here I am, feeling guilty for still having my job, feeling ineffectual because I canít help my friends, worried about their well-being and their job hunt in this economy. Add to that feeling guilty for feeling guilty - am I co-opting their misfortune? I was wallowing in all the negative feelings (Iím a GREAT wallower, really!) and it wasnít doing anyone any good. It took a week before I had a day where I didnít cry at least once. It took a week and a half until I could laugh again at work - and not derisively or angrily, but actually have a good laugh.
How else has this effected me? Well, I gained 2 pounds last week. I think. I say I think because by this past Sunday I had gained 2 lbs. Come Monday morning, 24-hours later, Iíd lost 4 lbs. Yes, the scale, it taunts me with these numbers. Whatever.
I havenít done any strength training inÖ before the Catastrophe? I managed to walk 6 times in the last 12 days. Todayís my Friday off from work, so I made myself take the time to do a bit of yoga, and Iím glad I did. It felt good to move and feel and breathe again, and not be consumed by the negative.
Now, one of the people this Catastrophe happened to would roll her eyes at me (perhaps the others as well?) for letting it get me this downíníout. She may yet if/when she reads this ~~~waving..~. I think she may also understand, and not hold it against me, if I pull myself together and start making forward progress again. Iím support-o gal all the way, will do anything and everything I can to help, but I have to stop wallowing and feeling guilty and get on with my life. Iíve never quite understood how people can do that so easily or quickly. I guess Iím just a slow processor. Meh.
Theyíre not dead, theyíre just not going to be with me every day, slogging through the same work-trenches, and thatís going to have to be ok.
~deep breath in.. deep breath out.. giving it up to the universe and karma..~
Sunday, August 01, 2010
This little piggy is over her grumpy self today. Thank goodness.
So it's August. I changed my status earlier today to "CBAILEYC is glad it's August - new day, new week, new month, renewed Candy." and it's true.
RElieved - I am. The rough spot seems to have passed for the time being. I'm learning when I'm in it, I know it will pass, but in the midst of the blahs or grumps or downturn it feels like it will never end and I'll never do anything good ever again. Dramatic much? Geez. The Man was a huge help, cajoling me into a better mood bit by bit, and getting me out of the house and into the world around people - I'm very much a 'hunker down in the bunker until the worst has past" kinda gal, and that just prolongs the agony.
REview - I looked back over my blog entries. July's goals especially. Those were some great goals, yea? Thing is, I didn't meet them. Oh, I did mostly when it came to tracking my nutrition and getting better at hitting my targets, and finding a better balance on the homefront. Walking though? Not so much. That's alright, I'm chalking this up to a learning experience.
REvamp - Instead of saying I'm going to walk 45-60 minutes a day, I'm backing off a bit. I'm going to exercise 6 of 7 days a week - I'm taking Sundays off. It may be no more than 10-20 minutes of DVD routines (yoga, Coach Nicole's cardio, etc.) and that's fine. It might be as much as 90-120 minutes (strength training plus walking, biking, whatever). As long as I'm moving, it's better than NOT moving.
REcognize - ok, so that's not really a Re- but work with me here. I'm recognizing that apparently my body, as I age, is shifting and adjusting on its own. How I felt last week was a repeat of how I felt the last week of May/first week of June. It was the same emotional turmoil inside, and resulted in the same kind of action/inaction - extra eating and no moving. Oh, and Look! It happened again the last week of June/first week of July. Are we sensing a pattern here kids? Yea. We're all familiar with PMS, where the P is Pre. I'm figuring out my body is shifting to PMS, where the P is Post. It's only taken me three months to come to this realization but at least I'm there now. I'm forewarned of what's to come at the end of August, to some extent. I know it's nuts, but really, I've never paid that much attention to what my body was telling me. I'm learning how I feel, what it means, and becoming more attuned to how things work within me. Call me a late bloomer? Or a bloomin' .. well, nevermind.
REcommitted - which isn't to say that I ever completely blew off or quit my committment to a better healthier me. But maybe I'm one of those people who simply has to say, each month, Ok, I'm in it. I'm doing this. I'm worth it. I will succeed. Heck, if it requires me saying it every day, that's what I'll do.
I lost 11.6 lbs in the month of July. The 2lbs (which turned into 3 yesterday) I gained last week was actually only .2 lb gained, after giving up the water weight. I'm THRILLED with that. My measurements have been all over the board, so I'm being patient with those results.
I guess you could say I've done a lot of processing since Friday's blog. Slow'n'steady is fine, as long as it eventually happens. Patience, grasshopper. Your body can only go so fast, so stop being so impatient already!
Friday, July 30, 2010
I don't know why, but for some reason Tired reached up and grabbed ahold of me Wednesday evening, and I've been trying to slip its clutches ever since.
KBearsMama and I set up a great walking routine, meeting at the golf course every Monday and Wednesday. We've adjusted the schedule to every Monday, and either Wednesday or Thursday - and it's great! We were to walk Thursday this week, so Wednesday I'd planned on walking with the Hubster around the neighborhood. We even talked on the drive home about the route we'd take through the neighborhood, how to get the best milage for our efforts, etc.
On Tuesday, we had tried one route that was 2.75 miles, and were figuring to up it to 3 total on Wednesday. For some reason though, on that short 20 min. drive home, Tired said 'nuh~uh', and by the time we walked in the door, I felt drained and cranky. I begged off walking - Bill took the girls for a quick spin around the block on his own, while I stayed home and pulled dinner together (a yummy SparkRecipe - Chicken & Asparagus recipes.sparkpeople.com/recipe-detai
By the time they were back, dinner was mostly ready, so we got the girls their dinner, then sat down to our own. As soon as we were finished, my eyes got heavy and my head started to bob. I drifted off quite a few times in the span of an hour, until Bill finally convinced me to go to bed early. It was 7:00 p.m., which IS early even for us.
I zonked out hard that night, dragged up the next morning still feeling out of sorts, with the makings of a good headcold to add to the draggy feeling. I made it to work for my early start, but once everyone was in and the day was into full swing, I bailed and headed back home, completely out of sorts.
The extra rest yesterday helped, but being a cranky baby I didn't make the best food choices and went for a quick'n'easy dinner that was equivalent to an entire's day's calories for me. Brilliant.
This morning, I feel a little more rested, not quite as 'head full of fluff' and I have things I need to get done. It's my normal Friday off, so that's a good thing. I've somehow gained 2 pounds since Friday last week, after eating smart and being pretty active up until Wednesday - bike rides, walks, yoga, walks. My TOM was last week, but it feels like I'm suffering after-effects -now- rather than at the time, what with the energy drain and general malaise, and what is hopefully only water-weight gain. We'll see.
I'm determined to drag myself out of this funk, get back on the healthy eating, healthy moving, healthy attitude that has become my normal. Time to pull up my biggirl pants. There's nothing to it but to do it.
-end whine..- Thanks for listening to me vent.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
As opposed to Mice and Men..
I am one of each (mother and daughter, not a mouse or a man) so I've been on both sides of the weight loss conversation.
It wasn't long after Kristan (my daughter) was born that my mom discovered Susan Powter, of Stop the Insanity fame.
Susan was to mom what Spark has become to me. The answer. The thing that smacked her right between the eyes and made sense to her and got her up and moving and losing weight. 22 years ago, give or take, and mom has kept the majority of the weight off. She fluxuates 10 pounds up and down, but mostly maintains a slim, trim, very nice figure. She drove us nuts when she discovered Susan and started on her own weight loss journey. We wanted to yell "stop the insanity" simply to get her to leave us alone LOL
It did her a world of good though, and it's only taken me 22 years to follow in her footsteps, albeit along my own path
So now, I'm talking with my daughter as my mom talked with me. I know SP works, I'm walking talking proof. I know how beneficial it would be to Kristan. I know how much better she'd feel, and how much healthier she could be.
And yet.. and yet, when I mention SP, or a workout DVD I think she'd like, or going walking, she gets that same.. glazed look in her eyes I once had LOL Gads.
She has gone walking with us once, and that was alright. But, see.. she's broken a bone in her foot, and is now borrowing a pair of crutches from us. That DVD will have to wait a while, but.. I'm pretty sure I'll have plenty of opportunities to keep talking with her about SP. After all, she can't run that far or fast on crutches, and I'm getting quicker! Ha!
Get An Email Alert Each Time CBAILEYC Posts