Wednesday, May 02, 2012
Itís one of those disagreements that ends up being pretty one-sided.
So.. uh.. hi.
I know, I havenít been around much latelyÖ
Iíve been busyÖ
Youíve heard about Bill.. and my oral surgery before that..
Yea, I know. I know that was back in March more-so than in April. I was busy in April, too..
What do you mean, ĎBusy doing what?í? Busy. Doing life.. stuff.
Donít look at me in that tone of voice!
You let me down.
You were supposed to help me keep losing weight. You havenít.
Yea, you helped in other ways. You helped tone up my body, helped me lean out, if such a thing can be said of a body such as mine that has this layer of fat still surrounding everything. Itís true though, I was in much better shape when I was running consistently, but you also made me eat like nobodyís business.
I didnít want anything to do with you last night.
I told Bill I really REALLY didnít want to run last night.
He said he was sorry to hear that, and that he understood I was probably tired. He said that didnít matter though, because I still had to run. He said I needed to get it done anyway.
Of course I got teary-eyed. I donít understand what has happened to me and you, why I feel like this. I still went though.
Yea, ok, it felt alright. It wasnít a great run. It wasnít fun, not like it used to be.
No, it wasnít terrible either. I felt alright when I was done. Nothing hurt while I was out. I didnít want to consume the world when I was finished. Yes, I was sufficiently tired when I went to bed early last night.
I guess we can try Ďusí again. I donít even know the ME that was running so far, so strong last year. I donít know where she went. Iíd like to find her again. Iíd like to figure out why I donít like you very much right now.
Yea, I know. Youíre always going to be there for me, no matter how badly I think about you or try to avoid you.
Ok, I guess Iíll see you Thursday.
I cannot explain why suddenly running seems like the hardest thing in the world and the thing I most want to avoid.
When Bill and I talk about our trip to W.Va. at the end of the month, I blithely say that Iím looking forward to running around Williamstown, where I grew up. I donít pout about it, second-guess it, frown as I say it. I just say it because it seems the most natural thing, to want to run where I grew up not running and not being all that athletic.
Iím just going to have to find my way back to running again, and in such a way as to enjoy it once more, to want to continue doing it.
Weíll see on Thursday. If I tell you all that Iím going to do it, Iím less likely to back out with some lame*ss excuse, which I am really good at.
Extra good-hubby points go to Bill for telling me last evening, matter of factly, that it didnít matter that I didnít want to run, I still needed to do it. It helped, and it got me out there.
And now, with this blog, I cross over 60,000 Spark Points, three days before my 2 year Sparkversary. Boy what a journey itís been so far. Iím not nearly done yet.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Two years on the site and in this lifestyle and it feels kind of odd to title a blog 'One week down..' but there you have it.
One week of eating within (or slightly below) range, no cheating, fibbing, quitting, or feeling like a failure.
My calorie range is 1780 - 2130 per day, based on an average of calories burned. Last week there was no real effort to burn calories via fitness. Anything burned was purely as a result of living.
Except for yesterday. Yesterday, we met with Gaye, the co-leader of the SparkPortland team, and we walked the Waterfront. It turned out to be a great day for it - no sprinkles, not too hot, not too cold. It was juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust right! It was a purposeful walk, and I enjoyed it very much.
No, I didn't weigh in on Sunday. TOM arrived at the end of last week and I just wasn't going to set myself up for feeling bad, even knowing it would be a skewed result based on water weight. I'll wait until next Sunday to see where I stand.
I need an accurate weight (I don't believe my ticker right now, I expect the reality is actually a bit higher) so I can join back in on the BodyBugg, BodyMedia, and FitBit team weekly challenges! I like them very much (thank you, Denise!) but veered far off course because the scale didn't do what I thought it should.
Why do we argue with inanimate objects?
I want to get back on the right path. I AM back on the right path with controlled, nourishing eating.
I plan to make the gym tonight. At first, I told Bill I'm running to/from the gym. He said ok. My common sense kicked in rationalizing that I haven't run in what feels like a very long time. We'll walk to the gym and back, and reserve the run for tomorrow evening. I've got the Hippie Chick Quarter marathon coming up on May 12, and I'd like to do a bit more than walk it. So, that's my plan - get ready for the Hippie Chick.
Thanks to Gaye for not letting me talk myself into skipping the Hippie Chick in favor of something else!
Thanks to all of you for hearing me in my last blog, commiserating, listening, understanding, and simply witnessing. I truly appreciate it, each of you.
It feels good to feel good. I want to keep on feelin' good.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
The following is an honest blog. If you feel the need to scold me, chastise me, tell me Iím wrong, tell me to stop, tell me not to think or feel the way I do, please find yourself another blog to read.
The above may seem like an odd thing to add to a blog.. or maybe it doesnít, I donít know. What I do know is that I write to work things out. I can get an idea or phrase stuck in my head and the only way to process it and get it out is to write it down. It isnít always pretty. It isnít always positive. It isnít necessarily acceptable for the masses. It is honest, it is sometimes painful, and it is for me.
My daughter, when she was 3 or 4, would get mad about something and go stomping off to her room to work out her frustrations. Sheíd talk and grumble and stomp her feet and in general get her anger out. My then-husband wanted to tell her that it was unacceptable to act that way and she needed to stop it. I stopped HIM because I believed she needed to be allowed to be angry and express herself and learn how to deal with the feelings. Whatís worse? Talking out your feelings or acting out your feelings?
When I was a kid, youngish, I remember asking my mom if she ever felt like crying, even if she hadnít done anything wrong. She said no, and what had I done. Ö Indeed. I had spent the night with a cousin and we hadnít slept much at all. Even when we eventually tried, I couldnít sleep because of the fish tank making strange noises, the room not being mine, the bed being strange.. a myriad of reasons a young girl couldnít sleep. Rather than take that into account and realizing I was overtired and feeling weepy because of it, my mom went with Ďwhat did you do?í instead. Thatís the first time I can recall being told what I was feeling was wrong, and I guess it stuck with me enough that I didnít want to do that to my own daughter.
Anyway, I havenít been writing lately for a variety of reasons. One being Iím simply not up to being told that my feelings, whatever they are, are wrong and I need to stop feeling them. It doesnít happen a lot, but it has happened and it p*ssed me off enough that Iím still aggravated by it! Now, hopefully, getting it out in writing will allow me to let go of *that* and to move on. I feel what I feel, I think what I think, I react the way I react, and I donít need anyoneís permission or approval to do so. My internal dialog is legitimate, even if itís not always correct. Itís up to me to decide how to feel about it and what to do about it, no one else.
I have apparently given up running. I have allowed one event after another drive me further from the desire to run over the last two months or so. Some of the events were beyond my control, yes. Some werenít. Saying ďIím too tired to run, letís go out to dinner insteadĒ was certainly within my control and NOT my finest moment. Thatís where Iíve been though. I like to think Iím simply visiting this place in life rather than taking up permanent residence.
I feel like I should be in a panic over being in this place right now. However, panicking would only lead to more eating, and eating of less healthy things. Letís not add fuel to the fire, as it were. So Iím not panicking. Iím also running out of pants to wear. I feel FAT. I feel big and unwieldy and bloated and out of sorts.
I love my Spark family here, so very much. I am envious of your successes. Not resentful, never that, but I do a small pity-party when someone achieves something that I havenít been able to achieve. Nevermind that itís my own fault that I havenít reached that achievement yet, thatís beside the point. My mind works on threads of thought Ė that should be me. I should have done that by now. I shouldnít still be struggling like this. I should be done by now. I should .. I should.
I am blah. I am frustrated. I am disappointed. I asked for advice or help from the Tribe, and was met with silence. I know the message was received because the second portion of my email was responded to, but not the request for help/advice. I am sorely disappointed in this. No, I havenít shown up for a face to face convo, but would have appreciated an acknowledgement of my questions and a suggestion that talking would be better than emailing. Iím over it. As in, Iím p*ssed yet again and have stopped going to meet the Tribe. What does that do to my Portland RockíníRoll Half? Nothing. It means I walk all or most of it. Iím alright with that. Iím resigned to that. Nobodyís fault but my own. Just because I didnít get a response to my request for help and advice does not mean I should immediately quit and refuse to even look at my running shoes. Yíknow?
I am angry. Iím angry over a variety of things. Again, some things within my control, some not. I am feeling separate and separated. Isnít that life, though? As one area of your life (marriage) smooths out, another area gets choppy (work) or gets even worse.
Your friendship and encouragement and support means so much, I truly appreciate it, and you Ė each of you! Your notes and goodies and drive-by posts and comments are such positives within each of my days. Even with all that, I still feel alone.
I need a real YOU right here in my neighborhood, in my office, at my gym. I adore my SparkFriends here in Portland who Iíve met and been fortunate enough to spend time with. I still need to make a date with Roxit to get together and walk ourselves silly before the RíníR. I need to schedule a Spark Portland group walk sometime soon to get our team out and active in this warming weather. I need to get us back into the Food Bank to volunteer again. Iím very very excited that SparkPeople are coming in May for the RockíníRoll Half and I get to meet Spark friends face to face!
Even with all that, I am still frustrated with being alone in this. I considered, briefly, getting a trainer through our gym. Even with our membership, itís far too expensive right now. Like ridiculously expensive, to my mind anyway. Some things are worth a high price, others arenít. Right now, itís not worth it. But I want/need that kind of accountability. I need a Yoda of my own. I need someone who will encourage me but not let me get away with murder/ditching a workout to go to the Super China Buffet!!!!!!!!!111111one That means, as well meaning as Bill is, itís not him. That wouldnít go over well anyway. Oy! I can just imagine the argument that would ensue the first time he tried to tell me to do X, Y, or Z differently. I need someone to go running with so I canít decide to ditch the run because Iím just not feeling it.
Accountability is great, but itís hard to do with just myself. Everyone has their own lives here, their own things going on and I will cheer you on and support you as best I can. I wish I could do it for/with myself as well. Itís harder to do for some reason. Iíve found myself lately doing just that, though Ė posting to you, for you, but neglecting my own writing and process of getting things out of my system. Itís a comfortable old trap to fall into, isnít it?
Still with me? If so, hereÖ
Share some green tea and grapes with me as a reward for making it this far LOL And yes, that is my real snack for this morning.
Right now, Iím focusing on the small things. If I focus too much on not running, not making it to the gym consistently, I will eventually implode. So instead, Iím going small. Tracking my food consistently. I was doing fine last week with this until I opted to go out to eat instead of run, and it went downhill fast from that point. So far, Iím on day three of tracking, honestly, my food. See, I figured out I donít have to lie on my tracker if I eat something beyond the realm of my calorie range or plan Ė I simply stop tracking that day, period. No lying to myself or anyone else. I just stop.
Iím stopping stopping. Iím tracking and keeping accountable with my food choices. My menu is planned out for the week, printed and posted on the side of the fridge. Bill is committed to making nutritious dinners and doing what he can to keep me from eating half the pantry of an evening. If I stick with it, and stop the incessant eating at night, then I may actually see a loss this week. Maybe. I tried to trick myself into the easy-peasy ďonly release 2 Ĺ lbs a MONTHĒ plan like somehow my body was going go Ďoh, OK, we can do that!í and actually do it. It hasnít worked out that way for me. Imagine, eh?
So, if I stick to my menu (and that doesnít mean I canít alter the planned snack or planned side items Ė I just have to be close to whatís planned without going ridiculously hog-wild eating off-plan stuff) I will hopefully feel a little less hopeless and dejected. I cannot expect my jeans to fit better after one week. Two weeks? Maybe.
In addition to simply wanting to feel better for/about myself, I have another reason for wanting to be a little more in control. We have finally booked flights and a rental car to go visiting in West Virginia! We will be leaving on May 24 and returning on June 2. Itís a combination anniversary trip Ė on May 26, I will have been in Portland for 6 years. On June 2, weíll be married for 4 years. It seemed like a pretty nice Ďgiftí to give ourselves, and Iím pleased that Bill will be coming with me. This trip should help finish off the disappointment involved in not making JASR. Man, 2012 has been one h*lluva rough ride so far, the last two months being the hardest. But..
Iím still here. May 5 will be my 2 year Sparkversary, and Iím still here. I have not gained back every lb Iíve released.. just some of them. Iíve had good accomplishments, but theyíre not enough to rest on anymore. Iíve let myself down and Iím trying not to dwell on the disappointment of it all. Iím trying not to be so angry and frustrated in various areas of my life.
If you donít like how your life is going, doing something about it. Iím taking small steps to make the changes I need.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Slowly but surely, I'm finding my way along again.
Saturday and Sunday we spent in the yard and garden. It was glorious here with the sun shining and warmer weather. The puppies had free reign to run in and out of the house at will - all summer long the door is open for them to rampage around the backyard whenever they wish, then come charging into the house like a panting pack of ragamuffins, sloppily lap down some water, then go zooming off again. It makes my heart smile to watch them bound around the yard with such joy chasing bugs, each other, or anything they think they might have heard.
I managed some nice calorie burns and step counts those two days, blowing my 'calories to be burned for the week' out of the water with one mega-burn day on Sunday. It felt good to get out and soak up the Vitamin D while moving and stretching and sinking my fingers and concentration into the dirt.
What I didn't manage was a run with the Tribe on Saturday. They did a 10 mi run that I just was not up for or ready for. I let it go, and contented myself with happily gardening with Bill and the puppies. Last year, I missed so much of this - working the yard, taking care of plants and living things - I think this year will be a time to bring things all back into balance again, making time for everything, somehow.
Bill's recovery is still going well. It sounds so cliche but I believe this turn of events alerted us not only to his health issues, but brought home a few salient points about our relationship as well. I'm hesitant to say it directly (because when I say something positive, something negative almost always follows in direction opposition to the positive) but it feels like we both have a better appreciation for each other, and what we have. We have been so very far apart for quite a long time, it's a little hard to trust 'us' right now. But I am, I'm making every effort to, and it's making a world of difference.
I ran for the first time in .. hang on... yep, the first time in 2 1/2 weeks. March 24. Whew. It was not an easy 2.5 miles. Not at all. But it was enlightening. Why? Because I got my sign.
Bumps. Seems pretty simple. It's a yellow sign, indicating it's a warming. It's warning you that there are bumps ahead. It's telling you to slow down.
It doesn't say STOP!
It doesn't say TURN BACK!
It doesn't say GIVE UP ALL HOPE!
It say be careful, there are bumps ahead, as there are in everyone's lives, and you need to slow down a bit, but you can keep moving. Just use caution until you're clear of the bumps, and then you can proceed as normal again.
Well, no. I'm not trying.
I'm walking at lunch. I'm eating better. I'm sleeping better. I've been to the gym, and will go again this evening. I've run. I'll do it again Thursday. I've asked my Tribe leader for advice on how to handle my training, or lack thereof, for the R'n'R. I am doing, and while I find myself achy, sore, tired, and still a little raw, I am making progress.
Friday, April 06, 2012
Thank you, everyone, for the well wishes, juju, good thoughts, kind words, and all-around care you've sent our way recently.
Bill's surgery on Friday went very well. He stayed in hospital overnight and they cut him loose Saturday morning. Of course, I'm lucky I was able to get him out of there - the nurses all found him so sweet and charming they wanted to keep him!
Saturday we simply spent the day getting him settled in at home - building his nest on the couch with pillows and blankets, making sure he got plenty of puppy snuggles, etc. Sunday, he felt up to getting out of the house, so we went to Fred's to get his prescription filled and to pick up a few groceries. He pushed the buggy and set the pace, but was surprised to find himself wearing down quickly. I think that may have been the best thing for him, sort of like proof to convince him that he really did need to take some down time to get better.
Since that trip, we've taken a few walks now and then when it's hasn't been raining. Yesterday, Bill had his follow-up visit with the surgeon and got the 'all clear' and release back to normal duty. The left side of his neck, where the incision was made, is still somewhat swollen, but the doctor assured us that it will go down, just to give it more time.
Bill celebrated being allowed to get back to normal by tweaking more on the bathroom redo LOL I was happy to "let" him work on his project.
As for me? I've rather lost myself through this whole thing. Stress and depression settled in and I'm trying to evict them to the best of my ability. Sort of. I've lost so much momentum and drive and determination and physical fitness this last month, allowing myself to grasp onto any excuse or reason to give up and stop trying... I'm not even sure I'll be able to "recover" enough to safely do the Bridge to Brews next week, let alone the R'n'R Half in May. I've lost the majority of March to one unplanned emergency or another. Yep, I've got a pity-party for one going on here, which is in complete opposition to how relieved and grateful I'm feeling that Bill will be around for a while longer. I'll regain my footing again, it's just a matter of time. Fake it 'til you make it, right?
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