CBAILEYC   99,394
80,000-99,999 SparkPoints
CBAILEYC's Recent Blog Entries


Tuesday, May 08, 2012

So yea. I did indeed make my run Thursday evening. It was brief, and relatively ugh-ish, but it was done.

Friday was good in that meeting Roxit2222 was great and the walk was fun. We had it all - sunshine, wind, rain, and hail as we were leaving LOL I cracked right up at our luck/timing.

Saturday was rather bland and didn't involve much effort doing much of anything. Just blah.
Sunday was better, in that we drove down to Salem to attend Riley's first birthday party. He's so big now.

Food along the way was not stellar in the least. Too much fat, too many calories, too much sodium. I bailed on tracking, and kept telling myself to remember how awful I felt after eating such crap. If I can remember that I didn't feel well after having X, Y, or Z, then maybe I can somehow convince myself, the next time I have a mouth-craving, that I really don't want it after all.

Yesterday. It was a Monday. Know how I know it was a Monday? (as told to my friend Molly via email....)
I had a Chobani Pineapple yogurt for breakfast. It was lovely and waiting for me when I finally got around to opening it. . I peeled back the lid and found that some of the liquid had separated so I rolled over to the trashcan to gently tip the cup up and let the liquid run out. As itís drizzling out, the rest of the yogurt follows suit and plops into the bottom of the trashcan, pineapple and all.

It looked so sad laying there in the bottom of the can. As if it really did want to be eaten and couldnít quite understand why I couldnít hunch over the can with a spoon, slurping it up from the bottom.


Never fear though. I had a boiled egg handy, so I replaced the forlorn yogurt with that, and managed to stay within my ranges yesterday. I've reduced the range somewhat because even with the purported calorie burn the BodyBugg is showing me, which is higher than Spark is estimating, I'm at a standstill. Never mind that wolfing down what I wolfed over the weekend could easily be attributed for feeling rolly-polly bloated and blech. I'm cutting back. Again. WooHoo.

Yesterday also saw me walking to the gym, having a good ST session, and walking home again. It was so nice, sunny, and warm, and it felt so good. Unfortunately, the walk, the sunlight, the ST, something must have contributed to my not being sleepy. I recall looking at the clock around 1:00 a.m. and groaning because I had to get up at 4:15 and I just was not sleeping yet.

This evening? I think by the time my day is done I'm going to want to go home and crawl into bed. Instead, though, I'll try at the very least to get a good walk in. Now, there's walking-the-dogs walking.. then there's walking-with-Bill walking.. and finally there's walking-for-reals-cardio walking.

It's great that I have three levels to choose from. It's all a matter of what kind of company I want - 'yappy, darting everywhere, sniffing everything, tinkling in Every Single Yard, barking at everyone' company.. 'doing the best I can but my hip is aching' company.. or 'just get the h*ll out of my way I'm walking here' non-company.

For a blog that started out as not about much of anything, there sure are a LOT of words here. Hmm.

Calories in. Calories out. That's a lot like Breathe in. Breathe out. If ONLY it were that easy!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IMIN2GENES 5/16/2012 11:56AM

    Yep... sure sounds like a Monday to me. Geez! Hope the rest of the day got better!

Report Inappropriate Comment
GAYEMC 5/13/2012 9:26PM

    Wow! I can't believe it's been a year since Riley was born. Anxious to hear about your Hippy Chick experience. I'm kinda where you were with Bill right now. Just not getting any FM in. He's supposed to be transfered to Skilled Nursing tomorrow.

Can you believe this weather? I hope it stays dry and a bit cooler for next weekend.

Report Inappropriate Comment
ENDUROVET 5/13/2012 9:19PM

    I sympathize on your insomnia issues - as I mentioned to one of my friends, since I've hit menopause my sex drive seems to have evaporated; what I crave more than anything is that elusive good night's SLEEP!
(hard to accomplish w/night sweats, snoring hubby, emptying weak bladder...)

Report Inappropriate Comment
SUSUSUZZZIE 5/9/2012 8:52PM

    I told my hubby about your pineapple Chobani horror-story and we both shared a moment of sadness with you. LOL!

Hope you had a wonderful walk - whichever kind you had. Your description of walks are exactly like the walks I have. With the dogs is one type, another type with hubby and the more sweaty type alone. LOL!

Hope you are having a great week!

Report Inappropriate Comment
AFMARVIN 5/9/2012 3:00PM

    I was laughing about your yogurt, I really wanted to eat some french fries that someone threw in the trash right outside my office door one day! Somehow I resisted :-) Then after about 10 minutes they just smelled greasy and gross.

Report Inappropriate Comment
TIGGER622 5/9/2012 10:04AM

    Whew, one step at a time right girl? You are doing great... if you couldnt eat that pineapple yogurt I wish I could have... LOVE that flavor! :) Keep at it!

Report Inappropriate Comment
ROXIT22222 5/9/2012 9:52AM

    Hang in there. Baby steps back at it all. You will get there. The sunny weather will help and it's here for a while.

Report Inappropriate Comment
ROEBUNCH 5/9/2012 9:10AM

    ok so I belly laughed when I imagined your poor yogurt rolling out into the trash...thought I was the only one who did stuff like that emoticon I have struggled this week with staying on track calorie wise. I too am adjusting what Spark calculates...

I loved your walk analogies. I don't have 3 levels but 3 distances I choose from depending on the day.

I enjoyed your blog, made me emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
ANNESYLVIA 5/8/2012 8:11PM

    Your Monday sounds like my life lately!

Hope things get better for you!

hugs, Anne

Report Inappropriate Comment
KAREN42BOYS 5/8/2012 7:31PM

    Oh you were so eloquent about your pineapple yogurt. I could totally imagine it looking back at you pathetically.

Baby steps, you're baby stepping, and it WILL build. I'm good evidence of that. And almost as recent at your pulling it back together. So keep on babystepping.

Report Inappropriate Comment
TURTLERASKIN 5/8/2012 3:53PM

    Oh, that poor yogurt! I would have been so sad about that. But I'm glad you rolled with it. (I don't know what the yogurt liquid is, but I always just mix it back in and eat it. It's my frugal college student coming out -- I've paid for it, so by george I'm eating it!

Keep hanging in there with everything. I'm thinking about you.

Report Inappropriate Comment
MUSTANG_SALLY2 5/8/2012 3:13PM

    I loved your walk levels. The puppies and I have walk levels. We have sniffing walks, yappy, darting everywhere, sniffing everything, tinkling in Every Single bush, barking at everyone; heal walks - complete with quiet manners; and draggon walks - either they're dragging me or I'm dragging them. LOL

I didn't sleep well either so I hope we both rest well tonight.

Keep fighting thru it, I know I am. It's tough but we'll make it, some how.


Report Inappropriate Comment
PIXIEMOM13 5/8/2012 2:33PM

    Oh man, lack of sleep totally sucks!

Glad to see you back walking, running and blogging.

As for those stupid non-cooperating scales, I vote we have ourselves a scale burning party. Are you with me? :)

Report Inappropriate Comment
GETFIT2LIVE 5/8/2012 2:31PM

    Sorry to hear about the lack of sleep; I don't know why that happens sometimes! So sad about the yogurt--that's the kind of luck I have far too often. I could tell you stories about trying to drain boiled pasta and losing half of it in the sink . . . not fun. I always mix the liquid back in my yogurt, like ANIMAL_L0VER recommends. It has good-for-you stuff. Yes indeed, if only it were that easy (calories in/calories out). Our bodies are not that simple, however; hang in there, it will get easier again as you keep at it. Progress, not perfection . . . you can do this!


Report Inappropriate Comment
BIGMAMAT 5/8/2012 2:21PM

    Oh honey, If ONLY it were that easy!(calories in, calories out) emoticon

Good to see you BACK my beautiful sparkfriend! Back at the gym, Back running, back walking Just BACK!!!! Woohoooo!

You will be back in tip, top, shape in no time!!! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
ANIMAL_L0VER 5/8/2012 2:12PM

    Bummer about the lost yogurt and lack of sleep, but good for you for keeping in your cal range and having a back up snack. And for your fitness efforts.

As for the dumping of the yogurt liquid, don't!!! It actually contains a lot of potassium and calcium that you're losing when you dump it. Mix it in instead. Okay, I realize I'm being a bit bossy here, but I didn't know this until about 4-6 months ago, and figured I should share the knowledge.

Report Inappropriate Comment

Running and I have had a disagreement..

Wednesday, May 02, 2012

Itís one of those disagreements that ends up being pretty one-sided.

Me: emoticon

Running: emoticon

emoticon So.. uh.. hi.


emoticon I know, I havenít been around much latelyÖ


emoticon Iíve been busyÖ


emoticon Youíve heard about Bill.. and my oral surgery before that..


emoticon Yea, I know. I know that was back in March more-so than in April. I was busy in April, too..


emoticon What do you mean, ĎBusy doing what?í? Busy. Doing life.. stuff.


emoticon Donít look at me in that tone of voice!


emoticon Fine, whatever.

emoticon You let me down.


emoticon You were supposed to help me keep losing weight. You havenít.


emoticon Yea, you helped in other ways. You helped tone up my body, helped me lean out, if such a thing can be said of a body such as mine that has this layer of fat still surrounding everything. Itís true though, I was in much better shape when I was running consistently, but you also made me eat like nobodyís business.


emoticon I didnít want anything to do with you last night.


emoticon I told Bill I really REALLY didnít want to run last night.


emoticon He said he was sorry to hear that, and that he understood I was probably tired. He said that didnít matter though, because I still had to run. He said I needed to get it done anyway.


emoticon Of course I got teary-eyed. I donít understand what has happened to me and you, why I feel like this. I still went though.


emoticon Yea, ok, it felt alright. It wasnít a great run. It wasnít fun, not like it used to be.


emoticon No, it wasnít terrible either. I felt alright when I was done. Nothing hurt while I was out. I didnít want to consume the world when I was finished. Yes, I was sufficiently tired when I went to bed early last night.


emoticon I guess we can try Ďusí again. I donít even know the ME that was running so far, so strong last year. I donít know where she went. Iíd like to find her again. Iíd like to figure out why I donít like you very much right now.


emoticon Yea, I know. Youíre always going to be there for me, no matter how badly I think about you or try to avoid you.


emoticon Ok, I guess Iíll see you Thursday.

I cannot explain why suddenly running seems like the hardest thing in the world and the thing I most want to avoid.

When Bill and I talk about our trip to W.Va. at the end of the month, I blithely say that Iím looking forward to running around Williamstown, where I grew up. I donít pout about it, second-guess it, frown as I say it. I just say it because it seems the most natural thing, to want to run where I grew up not running and not being all that athletic.

Iím just going to have to find my way back to running again, and in such a way as to enjoy it once more, to want to continue doing it.

Weíll see on Thursday. If I tell you all that Iím going to do it, Iím less likely to back out with some lame*ss excuse, which I am really good at.

Extra good-hubby points go to Bill for telling me last evening, matter of factly, that it didnít matter that I didnít want to run, I still needed to do it. It helped, and it got me out there.

And now, with this blog, I cross over 60,000 Spark Points, three days before my 2 year Sparkversary. Boy what a journey itís been so far. Iím not nearly done yet.
emoticon emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PARASELENIC 5/7/2012 3:23PM

    CBailey, thank you for sharing this conversation. I only hope that you don't feel badly about how it went, or how you've been off the running horse for a bit-- we all get to have our ups and downs, we all get to get bored with a program. You have the right to change it up, to find something that works for you, to take a break from something that doesn't inspire and revisit it later to see if that burn out is still the case. Take your time, step by step. Hell yes, Thursday. And then see what happens.

(By the by: 60,000 points! HOLY WOW!)

Report Inappropriate Comment
IMIN2GENES 5/6/2012 9:36PM

    Oh my... I hope you and running will be able to work it out. Kudos to Bill for trying to encourage you. Hang in there my friend!

Happy 2year Sparkversary!

Report Inappropriate Comment
CHRISTIE6625 5/6/2012 4:32PM

  Congrats for getting back out there. You know eventually you'll enjoy running again, or at least how it makes you feel.

Report Inappropriate Comment
MUSTANG_SALLY2 5/3/2012 1:35PM

    Hopefully, since you had a lovely chat with running, you will be able to work things out. I'm glad he encouraged you to go and doubly glad that you went. Hopefully your joy will return soon.


Report Inappropriate Comment
ANIMAL_L0VER 5/3/2012 1:29PM

    This is one of the things I love about you... you argue things out and have blog convos when you NEED to, and it helps a lot of the rest of us too! YOu will get there, I just know it! We're here rooting for you every step of the way!!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
BLACKROSE_222 5/3/2012 12:32PM

    Sounds like a disagreement that you needed to have.

Report Inappropriate Comment
SUSUSUZZZIE 5/3/2012 11:30AM

    LOVE-love-love your blog! Awesome that Bill gave you the message you needed to get out there. I bet the more you do it, the more you'll like it and soon this hurdle will be a barely-remembered blip on the map.

Wishing you a quick return to enjoying running!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
TERRYT55 5/3/2012 11:22AM

    Candy......I think I ran once in April and I had been going at least three times a week so I understand. I smiled all the way through your blog wishing I could be as witty as you are. Thanks for encouraging me to get back out there with this terrific blog.


Report Inappropriate Comment
MRS_EVA_K 5/3/2012 9:18AM

    Bless you C. I'm glad Bill is there for you. You'll find your groove again. It's hard once you've been knocked off track(and you were knocked you didn't just aimlessly wander away from the track) to get it back. but you will. Every day is a new day to succeed.


Report Inappropriate Comment
SHEENADEE 5/2/2012 9:04PM

    Cute way to get your message across.


Report Inappropriate Comment
ANNESYLVIA 5/2/2012 6:33PM

    emoticonyou lost your grove. Maybe take up Zumba again and simply brisk walking until you find your grove again. It could be you just need something different for a short spell.

Yes our emoticonkudos to that my friend! We are still here and still willing to give our health a fighting chance! This healthy lifestyle will (and sort of IS)become a habit for both you and me! A day here, a week or month there won't keep us from our goals. Hang in there buddy. Life to short to give up all it has to offer. Enjoy it.

hugs, Anne emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
ENDUROVET 5/2/2012 6:23PM

    Good work! I knocked out a couple of mi today (at a VERY slow pace), but felt pretty good about it...

Report Inappropriate Comment
PIXIEMOM13 5/2/2012 4:31PM

    Gives your hubby a big virtual hug for giving you a not-so-subtle nudge out the door.

and yes, good for you for listening and doing it anyway!

I hope you can rediscover your love for running... 'cause I'm hoping to do JASR next year and I'd love to meet you! (and I can't if you fall "out of love" with running and don't go to it!) ;) (okay, so that was selfish of me to put it that way.)

Report Inappropriate Comment
LINDAKAY228 5/2/2012 4:30PM

    Oh I could so relate to that blog and really enjoyed it. I've been struggling for the past several months. But last week I got in 3 runs and 1 so far this week. Its not magical but I'm doing it and believe that it will get back to being fun if I keep doing. At least I feel like I accomplished something and am proud of myself when I am done with the run. We are both going to get back on track! We can do it!

Report Inappropriate Comment
GETFIT2LIVE 5/2/2012 2:23PM

    What a good husband--and good for you at doing it anyway. You'll find your way back to the fun part again, and if not, you'll find something else that IS fun for you. Sometimes we do have to slog through and do it because we know we need to, and eventually the joy returns. Hoping you find that joy again sooner rather than later!


Report Inappropriate Comment
CJANNESS 5/2/2012 2:17PM

  Im the same way if I take off some time, its the hardest thing to get back into- you will find your groove again though.Dont give up, each step you take your training your body to get used to it again!

Comment edited on: 5/2/2012 2:17:50 PM

Report Inappropriate Comment
KAREN42BOYS 5/2/2012 2:16PM

    Spectacular conversation! And give Bill a smooch for being totally the good husband last night! And yeah, when I haven't been running for awhile, it takes about a month for my body to remember it LIKES running.

Report Inappropriate Comment
GAYLEP67 5/2/2012 2:15PM

    Ah Candy...this blog could have been written by me about
Me emoticon
Walking emoticon

Loved it. Bless our men for their candidness at some of the best of times. Chris and I had the same conversation last night about me and walking. I'm trying to find that love affair I had with walking as much as it sounds like you are for running. Not sure where it went! One day at a time... One day at a time...



Report Inappropriate Comment
TIGGER622 5/2/2012 1:52PM

    awesome job getting out there! awesome job on the spark points! get out there on thursday, eventually you will start to get back together with running!!! Would new clothes, shoes, music, routes etc help? Hang in there girl and keep at it!

Report Inappropriate Comment
GAYEMC 5/2/2012 1:45PM

    LMBO! Great blog. Hooray for Bill! And hooray for you for listening to him.

Report Inappropriate Comment
TURTLERASKIN 5/2/2012 1:27PM

    I so get the not wanting to do things! But I think that's what separates us "sloggers" from those who quit. We may relapse, we may take breaks -- but ultimately we continue to slog forward even when we don't much feel like it.

Glad you had a run; I hope it starts feeling better.

Report Inappropriate Comment
ROXIT22222 5/2/2012 1:21PM

    HA! You have a Coach running Skinny B in side of you! I LOVE IT! It's OK to drop back on your milage and your speed. Find that sweet spot again that you like. The pace and distance that you can enjoy and want to go back out and do again. Keep at that sweet spot for a month or two. (says a novice) The point isn't to be a world record runner, the point is to do something physical that you love.

Now also don't be afraid to try different activities. Running isn't everything. GASP! I know..... And just because there are events being offered we don't have to sign up for them ALL! SHOCKING!

You and I are in a similar spot right now.... we will get through it together. That great thing is we still WANT TO BE HEALTHY, AND NOT GIVE UP!

Report Inappropriate Comment

    Interesting how things come and go in spurts, isn't it? I'm glad Bill got you out for your run.

Way to get the job done, gal!


Report Inappropriate Comment
BE-THE-CHANGE 5/2/2012 1:11PM

    I hear this a lot with runners. Of course, I have the same relationship with my walking. I was doing tons of 5Ks two years ago, now practically nothing. I am not sure why but I think in this case I need to 'fake it til I make it'. Trying to get back on that wagon, even though I don't want to.

Your husband is awesome!

Great blog!

Report Inappropriate Comment

One week down...

Monday, April 30, 2012

Two years on the site and in this lifestyle and it feels kind of odd to title a blog 'One week down..' but there you have it.

One week of eating within (or slightly below) range, no cheating, fibbing, quitting, or feeling like a failure.

My calorie range is 1780 - 2130 per day, based on an average of calories burned. Last week there was no real effort to burn calories via fitness. Anything burned was purely as a result of living.

Except for yesterday. Yesterday, we met with Gaye, the co-leader of the SparkPortland team, and we walked the Waterfront. It turned out to be a great day for it - no sprinkles, not too hot, not too cold. It was juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust right! It was a purposeful walk, and I enjoyed it very much.

No, I didn't weigh in on Sunday. TOM arrived at the end of last week and I just wasn't going to set myself up for feeling bad, even knowing it would be a skewed result based on water weight. I'll wait until next Sunday to see where I stand.

I need an accurate weight (I don't believe my ticker right now, I expect the reality is actually a bit higher) so I can join back in on the BodyBugg, BodyMedia, and FitBit team weekly challenges! I like them very much (thank you, Denise!) but veered far off course because the scale didn't do what I thought it should.

Why do we argue with inanimate objects?

I want to get back on the right path. I AM back on the right path with controlled, nourishing eating.

I plan to make the gym tonight. At first, I told Bill I'm running to/from the gym. He said ok. My common sense kicked in rationalizing that I haven't run in what feels like a very long time. We'll walk to the gym and back, and reserve the run for tomorrow evening. I've got the Hippie Chick Quarter marathon coming up on May 12, and I'd like to do a bit more than walk it. So, that's my plan - get ready for the Hippie Chick.

Thanks to Gaye for not letting me talk myself into skipping the Hippie Chick in favor of something else!

Thanks to all of you for hearing me in my last blog, commiserating, listening, understanding, and simply witnessing. I truly appreciate it, each of you.

It feels good to feel good. I want to keep on feelin' good.
emoticon emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GAYEMC 5/1/2012 5:35PM

    Great job on the eating Candy! I hope to do the waterfront loop again next weekend for one of the races, Run Like A Mother maybe.

Report Inappropriate Comment
TIGGER622 5/1/2012 12:02PM

    Keep it up with the eating, I started logging again yesterday... Here we go! We can do this!!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
MUSTANG_SALLY2 5/1/2012 11:31AM

    I'm glad that you are taking care of yourself. Your tracker screen shot tells the tale. I'm so proud of you. I'm glad you are feeling good. Come sit next to me. I'm hoping some of it will rub off on me. LOL

Keep us posted.


Report Inappropriate Comment
ANIMAL_L0VER 5/1/2012 10:51AM

    Love it! Keep on feeling good! How did we get this far without it, I'll never know! (Didn't know how good it could be, I guess.)

Report Inappropriate Comment
BLACKROSE_222 5/1/2012 10:32AM

    I completely agree with you - it's funny how our brains work. Just keep it up, and the scale will eventually get in the game too.

Report Inappropriate Comment
BOILHAM 5/1/2012 8:23AM

    Kepp on feelin' good! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
SHEENADEE 4/30/2012 9:43PM

    You said it all: "It feels good to feel good. I want to keep on feelin' good. "

Report Inappropriate Comment
ROXIT22222 4/30/2012 8:06PM

    You will get it back.. that dang TOM..I blame him for my BM&H issues! One week down and many more to go. You can do it! And you WILL!

Report Inappropriate Comment
LAURIE-RN 4/30/2012 7:47PM

    Good to hear you are feeling good. Keep it up. You can do it!

Laurie emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
GOINGBACKTO180 4/30/2012 6:36PM

    Sorry I couldn't join you for the walk yesterday - I'm there on the next one! You're doing great - and you'll be great in the quarter marathon!

Report Inappropriate Comment
TURTLERASKIN 4/30/2012 6:29PM

    Listen, you know I've had my struggles with this too. I went through the same "I'll just stop tracking if I eat too much." I had a flashback one night to one of your blogs about nighttime eating. Of course, I was standing in front of my pantry eating out of the box at the time....

Which is all to say -- we all struggle with this in our own way. And I suspect that none of us really has any real idea about how to get out of the swamp.

What eventually worked for me was to pull back from the Spark community and focus on one day at a time. I set up a little word document on my computer, and each night, before I went to bed, I added an X in the "Ate within range" column, and an X in the "exercised" column as appropriate. Strangely enough, even though I have all those same tools and buttons and charts here on Spark, it didn't work until I made a stupid document on my computer.

I'm so proud of you for recentering, for being honest, for getting back on track. What we're doing is hard -- evidence: most people CAN'T do what we've done. We are the elite. Sometimes we forget that.

So keep taking it one day at a time. I'm rooting for you.

Report Inappropriate Comment
KAREN42BOYS 4/30/2012 5:39PM

    Okay, we need to talk. A girlfriend gave me her Bodybugg and I'm not getting it. I need a coach. You could be my coach. I've read the manual, but I'm just not catching the magic. Do I have to wear that all the time (except for the 1 hour break)? would i need to food journal on their site? Do I need to pay to join that site? Questions, questions. Like I said we need to schedule a time to talk. :)

Report Inappropriate Comment

    Good vibes, juju.. whatever you'd like to call it-- are just singin' from this blog, Candy. I'm glad to see things are feeling better :)


Report Inappropriate Comment
GETFIT2LIVE 4/30/2012 5:25PM

    You ARE on the right path, Candy! And don't feel you have to wait until you have a "real" weight to join in the challenges--just drop the start/finish weight part of the template and use them to track. I'm so glad you are feeling good again; looking forward to meeting up with you in person next month!

Report Inappropriate Comment

An honest blog..

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

The following is an honest blog. If you feel the need to scold me, chastise me, tell me Iím wrong, tell me to stop, tell me not to think or feel the way I do, please find yourself another blog to read.

The above may seem like an odd thing to add to a blog.. or maybe it doesnít, I donít know. What I do know is that I write to work things out. I can get an idea or phrase stuck in my head and the only way to process it and get it out is to write it down. It isnít always pretty. It isnít always positive. It isnít necessarily acceptable for the masses. It is honest, it is sometimes painful, and it is for me.

My daughter, when she was 3 or 4, would get mad about something and go stomping off to her room to work out her frustrations. Sheíd talk and grumble and stomp her feet and in general get her anger out. My then-husband wanted to tell her that it was unacceptable to act that way and she needed to stop it. I stopped HIM because I believed she needed to be allowed to be angry and express herself and learn how to deal with the feelings. Whatís worse? Talking out your feelings or acting out your feelings?

When I was a kid, youngish, I remember asking my mom if she ever felt like crying, even if she hadnít done anything wrong. She said no, and what had I done. Ö Indeed. I had spent the night with a cousin and we hadnít slept much at all. Even when we eventually tried, I couldnít sleep because of the fish tank making strange noises, the room not being mine, the bed being strange.. a myriad of reasons a young girl couldnít sleep. Rather than take that into account and realizing I was overtired and feeling weepy because of it, my mom went with Ďwhat did you do?í instead. Thatís the first time I can recall being told what I was feeling was wrong, and I guess it stuck with me enough that I didnít want to do that to my own daughter.

Anyway, I havenít been writing lately for a variety of reasons. One being Iím simply not up to being told that my feelings, whatever they are, are wrong and I need to stop feeling them. It doesnít happen a lot, but it has happened and it p*ssed me off enough that Iím still aggravated by it! Now, hopefully, getting it out in writing will allow me to let go of *that* and to move on. I feel what I feel, I think what I think, I react the way I react, and I donít need anyoneís permission or approval to do so. My internal dialog is legitimate, even if itís not always correct. Itís up to me to decide how to feel about it and what to do about it, no one else.


I have apparently given up running. I have allowed one event after another drive me further from the desire to run over the last two months or so. Some of the events were beyond my control, yes. Some werenít. Saying ďIím too tired to run, letís go out to dinner insteadĒ was certainly within my control and NOT my finest moment. Thatís where Iíve been though. I like to think Iím simply visiting this place in life rather than taking up permanent residence.

I feel like I should be in a panic over being in this place right now. However, panicking would only lead to more eating, and eating of less healthy things. Letís not add fuel to the fire, as it were. So Iím not panicking. Iím also running out of pants to wear. I feel FAT. I feel big and unwieldy and bloated and out of sorts.

I love my Spark family here, so very much. I am envious of your successes. Not resentful, never that, but I do a small pity-party when someone achieves something that I havenít been able to achieve. Nevermind that itís my own fault that I havenít reached that achievement yet, thatís beside the point. My mind works on threads of thought Ė that should be me. I should have done that by now. I shouldnít still be struggling like this. I should be done by now. I should .. I should.

I am blah. I am frustrated. I am disappointed. I asked for advice or help from the Tribe, and was met with silence. I know the message was received because the second portion of my email was responded to, but not the request for help/advice. I am sorely disappointed in this. No, I havenít shown up for a face to face convo, but would have appreciated an acknowledgement of my questions and a suggestion that talking would be better than emailing. Iím over it. As in, Iím p*ssed yet again and have stopped going to meet the Tribe. What does that do to my Portland RockíníRoll Half? Nothing. It means I walk all or most of it. Iím alright with that. Iím resigned to that. Nobodyís fault but my own. Just because I didnít get a response to my request for help and advice does not mean I should immediately quit and refuse to even look at my running shoes. Yíknow?

I am angry. Iím angry over a variety of things. Again, some things within my control, some not. I am feeling separate and separated. Isnít that life, though? As one area of your life (marriage) smooths out, another area gets choppy (work) or gets even worse.

Your friendship and encouragement and support means so much, I truly appreciate it, and you Ė each of you! Your notes and goodies and drive-by posts and comments are such positives within each of my days. Even with all that, I still feel alone.

I need a real YOU right here in my neighborhood, in my office, at my gym. I adore my SparkFriends here in Portland who Iíve met and been fortunate enough to spend time with. I still need to make a date with Roxit to get together and walk ourselves silly before the RíníR. I need to schedule a Spark Portland group walk sometime soon to get our team out and active in this warming weather. I need to get us back into the Food Bank to volunteer again. Iím very very excited that SparkPeople are coming in May for the RockíníRoll Half and I get to meet Spark friends face to face!

Even with all that, I am still frustrated with being alone in this. I considered, briefly, getting a trainer through our gym. Even with our membership, itís far too expensive right now. Like ridiculously expensive, to my mind anyway. Some things are worth a high price, others arenít. Right now, itís not worth it. But I want/need that kind of accountability. I need a Yoda of my own. I need someone who will encourage me but not let me get away with murder/ditching a workout to go to the Super China Buffet!!!!!!!!!111111one That means, as well meaning as Bill is, itís not him. That wouldnít go over well anyway. Oy! I can just imagine the argument that would ensue the first time he tried to tell me to do X, Y, or Z differently. I need someone to go running with so I canít decide to ditch the run because Iím just not feeling it.

Accountability is great, but itís hard to do with just myself. Everyone has their own lives here, their own things going on and I will cheer you on and support you as best I can. I wish I could do it for/with myself as well. Itís harder to do for some reason. Iíve found myself lately doing just that, though Ė posting to you, for you, but neglecting my own writing and process of getting things out of my system. Itís a comfortable old trap to fall into, isnít it?

Still with me? If so, hereÖ
emoticon emoticon
Share some green tea and grapes with me as a reward for making it this far LOL And yes, that is my real snack for this morning.

Right now, Iím focusing on the small things. If I focus too much on not running, not making it to the gym consistently, I will eventually implode. So instead, Iím going small. Tracking my food consistently. I was doing fine last week with this until I opted to go out to eat instead of run, and it went downhill fast from that point. So far, Iím on day three of tracking, honestly, my food. See, I figured out I donít have to lie on my tracker if I eat something beyond the realm of my calorie range or plan Ė I simply stop tracking that day, period. No lying to myself or anyone else. I just stop.

Iím stopping stopping. Iím tracking and keeping accountable with my food choices. My menu is planned out for the week, printed and posted on the side of the fridge. Bill is committed to making nutritious dinners and doing what he can to keep me from eating half the pantry of an evening. If I stick with it, and stop the incessant eating at night, then I may actually see a loss this week. Maybe. I tried to trick myself into the easy-peasy ďonly release 2 Ĺ lbs a MONTHĒ plan like somehow my body was going go Ďoh, OK, we can do that!í and actually do it. It hasnít worked out that way for me. Imagine, eh?

So, if I stick to my menu (and that doesnít mean I canít alter the planned snack or planned side items Ė I just have to be close to whatís planned without going ridiculously hog-wild eating off-plan stuff) I will hopefully feel a little less hopeless and dejected. I cannot expect my jeans to fit better after one week. Two weeks? Maybe.

In addition to simply wanting to feel better for/about myself, I have another reason for wanting to be a little more in control. We have finally booked flights and a rental car to go visiting in West Virginia! We will be leaving on May 24 and returning on June 2. Itís a combination anniversary trip Ė on May 26, I will have been in Portland for 6 years. On June 2, weíll be married for 4 years. It seemed like a pretty nice Ďgiftí to give ourselves, and Iím pleased that Bill will be coming with me. This trip should help finish off the disappointment involved in not making JASR. Man, 2012 has been one h*lluva rough ride so far, the last two months being the hardest. But..


Iím still here. May 5 will be my 2 year Sparkversary, and Iím still here. I have not gained back every lb Iíve released.. just some of them. Iíve had good accomplishments, but theyíre not enough to rest on anymore. Iíve let myself down and Iím trying not to dwell on the disappointment of it all. Iím trying not to be so angry and frustrated in various areas of my life.

If you donít like how your life is going, doing something about it. Iím taking small steps to make the changes I need.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LUNARAEWILDER 4/30/2012 6:05PM

    Hi Candy,
I really liked your honest blog too. Especially was relating to feeling like I need a personal Yoda. Some one to coach me. Let me know when to push harder and when it's ok to rest and so forth. I don't know if books can really help but I ordered one called Coach Yourself Thin by Greg Hottinger and Michael Scholtz. I was able to download a sample and liked it enough to order the book. (Also looking to get either the Mood Cure or Diet Cure by Julia Ross.)

It's good to be involved with people- like your food bank volunteering, a Sparkpeople Portland Walk, Rock N Roll, and etc. Sometimes though I feel a need for something deeper or more personal...not sure how to express it. Just know it's a need of some kind not being met otherwise. That also made me wonder if it was a personal trainer I personal that it comes from within me.

Well, when my book arrives and I get into it, I'll share anything that seems to be helping or refreshing my efforts to continue taking care of what's important even if how I'm taking care of it is different.

I have been posting helps based on a current book I'm reading but its not quite as deep and structured as the one I'm waiting on. (It's "This Year I Will....)

Anyway, I'm glad you posted your honest blog and it looks like others appreciate it too. I hope writing out your feelings has helped some.

Comment edited on: 4/30/2012 6:07:50 PM

Report Inappropriate Comment
SHEENADEE 4/30/2012 11:42AM


I'm a few days late in reading your blog; but, I am really glad I did. A lot of what you said resonates with me too. I even had some grapes along with you -- coffee instead of green tea though.

One thing that struck me is I wonder if you have given thought to what your motivation is. Perhaps it is time to rethink and change those motivating factors. That was exactly what I finally figured out that I needed to do. Sadly, it took me quite a while to figure that wanted to mention it to you in case the same would help you.

Enjoy your trip!

Report Inappropriate Comment
IMIN2GENES 4/29/2012 9:47PM


I've always loved and appreciated your open and honest blogs. You internal musings have lead to more than one lightbulb moment for me - and a few rounds of laughter. Sometimes your inner dialog is just too funny for words! I love that you own your feelings. You're right, no one gets to tell you how to feel. Keep right on writing and I'll keep right on reading/listening. I don't do it consistently; but I do write to work things out sometimes. It helps.

Congrats on your 2 year Sparkversary, 4 year Anniversary and all you've done. We all have moments both good and bad. I'm happy I've got a friend like you to share this journey with. Maybe someday I'll be lucky enough to get to meet you for one of your walks!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
SUSUSUZZZIE 4/28/2012 9:54PM

    I read your blog this morning and I decided to "chew on it" all day.

So much of what you have said really hits me. It starts from my being told how to feel. I've been told I've been overly sensitive for much of my life. My 1st grade report card says "too sensitive for own good." Nobody ever tried to understand why or what was going on in my head...I only knew that how I felt wasn't ok. Well geeze, maybe if somebody would have taken the time to understand me or let me know my feelings were ok, I'd be in a lot different place today. But I have no regrets. I'm one of the most compassionate and feeling people I know. Sometimes that is a problem, but I'm learning to appreciate that. Why am I telling you all of this? Because I want to apologize if I've ever-ever-ever said anything remotely like "please don't feel.." or perhaps even "don't beat yourself up" or, or, or. I know what you mean. Sometimes when I have a problem I don't want a message from my SparkFriends or anyone that we all often repeat in an attempt to encourage, empathize or whatever. Sometimes we want someone to kick us in the pants and say how they got past a similar challenge. Sometimes we don't want anyone to say anything. I hope I haven't offended you or anyone here.

Anyway, I'm so sorry that your tribe didn't come through to help you. I'm very sure I'd feel very similar. I have a similar story from here and it has taken me months to completely process/get over it. It may be silly to others but it still wasn't easy.

Your blog gave me several light bulb moments. From being told how to feel or not feel to being let down to wanting someone to hold me accountable. I know I'll be chewing on this blog and how you have provided me with a few keys to help me process some of my own issues. So thank you for that.

With that said, I wish you were where you wish to be. You really are an inspiration to me. I've learned a lot from you and your ups and your downs. I have this lurking worry and wonder when I'm going to hit one of these really challenging times. I may be crazy, but I believe downs are part of this entire experience. I believe for me that I have to go through some downs to really learn something that will help propel me to the permanent success again. I've been sailing fairly easy for almost a year. I am determined, but I'm also one bag of cheetos or one" fight" with hubby away from deciding it's not worth the effort and a big back-slide. I know this and I worry and I worry. I try so hard to stay ahead of that slide, but I know it's coming and it scares me.

Keep taking those baby steps. You will get there! You've done a tremendous amount of work to get where you are and you will reach your goals! And early happy anniversary to you and Bill!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
WALKAWAY 4/26/2012 3:15PM

    Love this blog. Struggling to find my own way back so am sending you emoticon and emoticon


Report Inappropriate Comment
TERRYT55 4/26/2012 1:29PM

    Candy.....if I had a way with words like you do I could have written this blog. I so wish I lived in or near Portland. I'd run with you and we could keep each other away from the buffet emoticon

I have been making the same kinds of choices lately and know I MUST go back to tracking everyday, every bite, every step.

I know you can keep moving forward.....we both can. Thank goodness we can be close in the virtual world even if we are many miles apart!

Thanks for a great and honest blog

Report Inappropriate Comment
AFMARVIN 4/26/2012 11:09AM

No one gets to tell you how to feel!!! Thanks for such an honest blog and if you'd like to meet for a walk/jog or hike sometime let me know! I will say that a few training sessions really helped me to get motivated and learn some exercises that I can do on my own, but you have to find someone that is the right fit for you and go in with specific goals if you want to make good use of your time and money. Keep up the tracking and look at how far you have come!



Report Inappropriate Comment
ROEBUNCH 4/26/2012 10:16AM

    We all have this idea we have to paint a rosy picture and smile and say things are 'fine' when in fact life sucks at the moment. I truly believe that the first step to dealing with the situations life throws at us is to be honest about how we feel. Then we can honestly take steps in the right direction. Good for you for being honest!!


Report Inappropriate Comment
ONENEL 4/26/2012 7:12AM

    Thank you for your blog- you have a way with words that fit my feelings too closely. If I was closer- I would so be right there for you- I can relate to the loneliness more than you know.
Good luck to you and keep writing! Your feelings are yours and no one should tell you those are not real or that you shouldnt be feeling them.

Report Inappropriate Comment
BE-THE-CHANGE 4/26/2012 5:25AM

    I too can relate to your comments (insert walking for running). I haven't done a 5K since JASR and I barely finished that. I do time on my treadmill, but just 30 minutes, and it is very different from walking outside. I had all these plans to do a 5K every week or two this year...

I also feel the absence of any 'real' person in my life who is supportive. I am envious of those who have a partner who is supportive or even on the same journey. It's just not who my DH is. And when I am doing poorly on this stuff, I tend to withdraw from here too.

Good for you for tracking. I need to start doing that again, no matter what I am eating.

I am sorry you had to write a disclaimer at the beginning of your blog but I totally get it. I tend to find that when I write or read a blog like this, most of the comments are very supportive. But you find one or two that are not, and usually they are random people who have just stumbled on the blog, who haven't been reading them on a regular basis, and who don't really know you. Yet here they are passing judgement. I guess it takes all kinds, just like in 'real' life.


Report Inappropriate Comment
MRSWCISEL 4/25/2012 8:56PM

    Thank you so much for sharing this blog, your words are really everyone's words, we just didn't have the courage to write them. You've done the SP community a great service writing this blog and it will serve as wonderful support and inspiration for many others. Your honesty is refreshing and I wish you all the good things that you deserve. Sometimes in life we wallow in our own situations and that's okay, but we have to have the courage and conviction to stand up and stop the wallowing when its time to do so. Keep blogging, because no matter what you are feeling, its okay to feel it and go with it and your blog is definitely the place to put those feelings! Best of luck! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
CK-DUBYA 4/25/2012 6:20PM

    I can't imagine trying to cope with some of the things the last couple of months have brought you, so I think you have done remarkably well. I think it is normal and healthy to feel the way you do. Your mind needs to process things and no one should tell you the right or wrong way to do so. We are all different and I'm glad to see that you are processing it. It's easy for me to bottle up my feelings to the breaking point. I wish I could be as open as you are. Be yourself and take care of you! Best wishes and have fun on the trip! You and Bill deserve it!

Report Inappropriate Comment
ANIMAL_L0VER 4/25/2012 1:11PM

    Your honesty and openness is wonderful, and I understand your need to disclaimer at the start. But your blog is for you so you should feel free to say whatever you want.

So much of what you said sounds exactly like me. I just blogged a couple weeks ago about how angry I was about so many things. I am also learning that writing it out is helping me to figure things out and let things go. Even feeling alone despite all the spark support is something that I often feel. I think it's really good that you have a vacation soon to look forward to, and you should remember that we all need a break sometimes. You will get back on track and hey, you're still on spark after 2 years, holding yourself accountable and learning and changing. Good for you! You have so many people here to support you; please let me know if there is anything I can do to help at anytime. Hugs and smiles to you!

Report Inappropriate Comment
MUSTANG_SALLY2 4/25/2012 10:15AM

    Reading your blog nearly knocked me out of my chair. These could all, easily, be my words. (Except the running bits. wink) The being told your feelings were not acceptable; being envious of others successes; letting myself down and not doing what I need to do.... all of it. I too feel all alone. I feel like I've lost everything that really mattered to me. And, as I learned to do when I was little, I don't feel my feelings, I feed them. It's not helping.

I was amazed at how many people replied about feeling alone. About wishing for a REAL life spark friend. Why do we all have to live so far apart?

I keep letting Hungry beat me up. Between him trying to get me to eat, and the mean voice telling me how worthless I am, I feel defeated. Such a hard battle.

I have wondered about your silence and thought maybe something was wrong but I wasn't sure. I love that you are REAL (and very articulate) and that you tell it like it is. I really appreciate that. I love having you as my spark friend and will try to support you from here. I know that an e-Hug is not the same as a real one, but I'll try to provide the best e-Hugs possible.

One thing I would like to share is that when I see someone ask for advice or help, I immediately think, "I'm not worthy of advising her/him. Someone much more worthy will surely reply." It's not about not wanting to help or advise, but the feelings of worthlessness get in the way. I'm wondering if that happens a lot more than I realize.

I'm excited about your trip to WV. Focusing on our baby steps to get where we want to be will be key for us, I think. I just want you to know that I get what you wrote and I accept you, right now, right here, where you are in this moment. Maybe we can be alone, together? Ugh.

(sorry this is so long!)


Report Inappropriate Comment

    Candy, the one thing that has always, always made me admire you is your honesty. You are REAL. And it's fantastic.

I'm sorry things are such a struggle. I get it, and I am offering my support - as always, it's a bona fide offer. But I also get that you need a REAL person, present in REAL LIFE... I need one too, and I don't have it either. I've tried to find people who can be, but they are busy too... (sigh)... yes, I have a trainer, but it's not a friend I can share my journey with.

Hang on tight, gal, and ride through this. One tiny, baby step forward is worth so much more than any backwards motion.

Sending juju your way...


Report Inappropriate Comment
TIGGER622 4/24/2012 11:14PM

    Hang in there sweetie and keep blogging!!! you are absolutely right, try baby steps, do what you can each day. You have a great plan - dont hesitate to blog your frustrations out, we are 'here'... just wish we could be there!!! with you!!! HUGS!

Report Inappropriate Comment
LISA01605 4/24/2012 7:41PM

    I could relate to many parts of this blog. If I stuck to my very reasonable goals I should be at my first goal weight right now. Instead I have been rather stagnant since the holidays. I gain and lose the same 10 pounds. I have also stopped writing. It is easier to write when things are going well. Harder when all I seem to write about is how I am restarting, yet again. I love reading your blogs. The good and the bad. They are all a part of life and I think more people are likely to write about the good and not as much about the bad. I had stopped running but DH got me back into it. I joined a new gym today with DH and I am excited about that. I am going to get a trainer if it is at all affordable (sounds it so far). I need that accountability too. I am also looking forward to a new workout. Something to challenge me more than I challenge myself. Sorry to write so much about me. I really wish we lived closer but I am in MA so we couldn't be much farther apart geographically and still be in the US.

Report Inappropriate Comment
PIXIEMOM13 4/24/2012 7:08PM

    I'm glad to see you back and blogging. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
CATIATM 4/24/2012 5:39PM

    Your honesty is refreshing. I think a lot of us "eat our feelings" because we don't feel comfortable honestly expressing them. I think you know that some of your thought patterns are counter productive, but that doesn't make them "wrong" or "bad" and assigning demeaning labels to them will not help you get where you want to go.

Good luck, and have fun at your race!

Report Inappropriate Comment
KAREN42BOYS 4/24/2012 4:55PM

    Oh good she's back. :)

You be feisty and honest about where you are. That's what my spark break was about. I needed to do the art journal thing to figure out what was going on in my head because I KNEW it was mental stuff slowing me down and I needed to give myself room to muddle through it, thus my monthly art posts here.

I'm just glad you're around some. You just go on and be messy.

Report Inappropriate Comment
MRS_EVA_K 4/24/2012 4:51PM


Report Inappropriate Comment
FEISTYOWL 4/24/2012 4:39PM

    emoticon I hear what you are saying! Tough times, lots of stress, and disappointment with yourself. Feel it,be in it, then accept that this too shall some point! I think your advice at the end is all there, don't you? Small steps, one foot in front of the other.

I wish, like you do, that I had someone here to buddy with too. And I totally understand how hubby would just not work! Mine either, I would just take it as him telling me what to do and that never goes over well with me!

I believe in you! You are still here. You are still trying, even a little counts! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
REALLY_ROBIN 4/24/2012 4:28PM

  Candy, I've so been where you are at and I'm sure I will be there again. I'm still stuck at the same weight I've been at for the last year...up 8 down 8. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it either. Except, that I'm doing the small changes. My choice was to make the gym a priority every morning and to eat as healthy as I can. I figure my metabolism has taken a beating from the abuse I've poured on it for years. The best thing I can do is rev my metabolism up, even when I'm not feeling it. The only thing I don't agree with in what you've I don't think it's should be up to you to plan everything...the food bank, etc. Maybe you are just burnt out and need a break. You need someone else to step up for awhile. I'm glad things are going better with Bill, but sorry about the other things letting you down. I wish I was closer and could be more of an encouragement for you! You are such a true friend to everyone...I really appreciate you! Love and hugs...Robin

Report Inappropriate Comment
GETFIT2LIVE 4/24/2012 3:58PM

    emoticon Candy, I relate so much to what you have written--yes, honest, I do! I have had my feelings invalidated (excuse me? don't tell me how I SHOULD feel!), watched friends achieve things and been happy for them yet have the pang of 'I should've been there, too,' felt isolated and alone and completely out of control--pretty much all of it.

Feelings are neither right nor wrong; they simply ARE. They aren't logical, they don't care what other people think, and they cannot be forced one way or another. Express 'em, feel 'em, own 'em for what they are. You ARE still here; you are not giving up on you, and that's what is important. Take it one teensy, tiny step at a time; sort through the feelings, figure out what you need to do for YOU, and take care of yourself. You are worth the effort; you are valuable, and your feelings are valid.


Report Inappropriate Comment
ROXIT22222 4/24/2012 2:50PM

    emoticon emoticon FIRST::: DEEP BREATH IN......AND SLOWLY LET IT OUT! I've been watching for you and waiting. About to give you another nudge. So much on my mind to respond to in this blog... I'm not sure I'll cover it all.

First thing a funny moment today I freshened up my Spark page. Reset my goal as I realized the date had come and gone a month ago. I also realized that I have gained and was honest about that. I remember another 'honesty blog' you wrote awhile back and I thought of you. In a good way and that we all stumble.. and some times it takes a while to get over our self pity and get back up and move on.

Second YES WE MUST GET TO GETHER FOR THAT WALK! I am walking about 6.5 miles every few days. I need to up it some how, but got the bike bug going on the weekends.

I too haven't been running much do to the knee. I just ran / walked 1 mile this morning. That' along way from the 13.1 we are signed up for may 20th. I too have resigned myself to walking most of the RnR. I say most because I'm sure if I can I'd like to do some run intervals in it. Even if just for a few miles. Who knows maybe some greater plan is working for us to walk this event to gather. 3-4 hours of getting to know each other. The time and miles will FLY BY! emoticon

I'd still love to get together before then and do some walking.

Know you aren't alone in this. I have been struggling also and trying to figure out how to get back on track.

Lastly I have to say I thought that this was emoticon emoticon the makings of WINE! I guess green tee and grapes are healthier.

Report Inappropriate Comment
GAYEMC 4/24/2012 2:07PM

    emoticon Small steps add up.

Report Inappropriate Comment
ENDUROVET 4/24/2012 1:59PM

    You & I are very much alike, my dear! I will do my best to compose a more coherent reply - right now I was just having a quick glance at email before I run screaming out the door to LUNCH! (yes, I have cottage cheese & healthy foods right here, but my staff won't leave me ALONE, all I ask is a small slice of PEACE & QUIET! & yes, there is another doctor here whom I have supposedly hired to SHARE the WORKLOAD?!?!?)

but for now I just have to GET OUTTA HERE! Don't let the turkeys get ya down...

Report Inappropriate Comment

Here's your sign..

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Slowly but surely, I'm finding my way along again.

Saturday and Sunday we spent in the yard and garden. It was glorious here with the sun shining and warmer weather. The puppies had free reign to run in and out of the house at will - all summer long the door is open for them to rampage around the backyard whenever they wish, then come charging into the house like a panting pack of ragamuffins, sloppily lap down some water, then go zooming off again. It makes my heart smile to watch them bound around the yard with such joy chasing bugs, each other, or anything they think they might have heard.

I managed some nice calorie burns and step counts those two days, blowing my 'calories to be burned for the week' out of the water with one mega-burn day on Sunday. It felt good to get out and soak up the Vitamin D while moving and stretching and sinking my fingers and concentration into the dirt.

What I didn't manage was a run with the Tribe on Saturday. They did a 10 mi run that I just was not up for or ready for. I let it go, and contented myself with happily gardening with Bill and the puppies. Last year, I missed so much of this - working the yard, taking care of plants and living things - I think this year will be a time to bring things all back into balance again, making time for everything, somehow.

Bill's recovery is still going well. It sounds so cliche but I believe this turn of events alerted us not only to his health issues, but brought home a few salient points about our relationship as well. I'm hesitant to say it directly (because when I say something positive, something negative almost always follows in direction opposition to the positive) but it feels like we both have a better appreciation for each other, and what we have. We have been so very far apart for quite a long time, it's a little hard to trust 'us' right now. But I am, I'm making every effort to, and it's making a world of difference.

Onward then.

I ran for the first time in .. hang on... yep, the first time in 2 1/2 weeks. March 24. Whew. It was not an easy 2.5 miles. Not at all. But it was enlightening. Why? Because I got my sign.


Bumps. Seems pretty simple. It's a yellow sign, indicating it's a warming. It's warning you that there are bumps ahead. It's telling you to slow down.

It doesn't say STOP!
It doesn't say TURN BACK!
It doesn't say GIVE UP ALL HOPE!

It say be careful, there are bumps ahead, as there are in everyone's lives, and you need to slow down a bit, but you can keep moving. Just use caution until you're clear of the bumps, and then you can proceed as normal again.

I'm trying.
Well, no. I'm not trying.

I'm doing.

I'm walking at lunch. I'm eating better. I'm sleeping better. I've been to the gym, and will go again this evening. I've run. I'll do it again Thursday. I've asked my Tribe leader for advice on how to handle my training, or lack thereof, for the R'n'R. I am doing, and while I find myself achy, sore, tired, and still a little raw, I am making progress.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IMIN2GENES 4/18/2012 1:01PM

    How often does it seem to come right back to that balance thing? Geez! LOL! I think that part of our lives is bound to be a work in progress forever.

Sounds like a great weekend and just what you needed. Love the sign and the message. Glad you're finding a good groove for you again. Also very glad to hear that Bill is doing well and that you've found a new appreciation for each other.

Report Inappropriate Comment
TDONOVAN41 4/15/2012 8:02AM


Report Inappropriate Comment
GAYEMC 4/14/2012 6:18PM

    Oh Candy, I'm so glad you are starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. I'm with you on the yard work, there's something nurturing about being out in the fresh air, smelling the dirt and seeing plants and trees come alive after the winter. Looks like you're going to have great weather for Bridge to Brew tomorrow. I'm sorry I won't be joining you but just might make it downtown to do the waterfront loop. Have a good time and don't stress on your pace. Just enjoy!

Report Inappropriate Comment
IFDEEVARUNS2 4/13/2012 9:12AM

    Great blog, Candy. I'm with you on the bumps. Not easy, but we can navigate them!

Report Inappropriate Comment
ROXIT22222 4/12/2012 12:08PM

    It is a balancing act isn't it? That has been part of my struggle the past few weeks too. I did great in Hawaii 'doing it all'... and then I come home injure my leg and I can't motivate to do anything. OK the weekends with donut man but the week days are hard and bad. (enough about me)

I love the bump in the road sign that's great! We will connect before the RnR half. I may be walking most of it too.

Report Inappropriate Comment
ANIMAL_L0VER 4/12/2012 10:50AM

    This is a beautiful blog, C, and just what I needed right now. I've been down for the past several days; not even my birthday happenings to look forward to tomorrow and Sat have been cheering me up. It's very good to remember that we just need to find balance in our lives and take it slow when things are rough. Thank you so much for being so open and sharing.

Report Inappropriate Comment
MUSTANG_SALLY2 4/12/2012 10:17AM

    Oh how I needed this! So many bumps in my road. I must admit that I turned and walked quickly away from them. Ok, no more. Time to face them and head forward again. Starting NOW.

I'm glad Bill is doing better and that you are finding a renewed appreciation for each other. I'm sending you both a big ole' hug.

Keep us posted on how things are going. I'm excited for you about your R'n'R training. (I'm guessing that's not for Rest n' Relaxation. LOL)


Report Inappropriate Comment
BOBBYD31 4/11/2012 10:10PM

    love it ! that is a great sign and glad bill is doing well!

Report Inappropriate Comment
SUSUSUZZZIE 4/11/2012 9:37PM

    What a wonderful blog! Thank you for sharing. It's awesome that you and Bill have come out of his health scare with something so wonderful!

I really love that you are finding balance to do things that you love along with your fitness/running goals! Balance is such a big challenge for me so I really appreciate your finding some!

So I saw and loved your sign picture as I was reading your blog but your words about the bumps made it AWESOME!

Keep on doing it!

Report Inappropriate Comment
BE-THE-CHANGE 4/11/2012 8:29PM


Report Inappropriate Comment
PIXIEMOM13 4/11/2012 4:17PM

    So glad to see this! And glad you are moving forward (not speaking too loudly so the bad luck doesn't hear.) :)

Report Inappropriate Comment
HEYBUTT 4/11/2012 3:43PM

    Fabulous blog!

And great news, too (I'm whispering that so nothing negative can hear).

Report Inappropriate Comment
CK-DUBYA 4/11/2012 3:05PM

    I'm glad to hear that Bill is recovering and that things are starting to get back on track. I loved the sign! You are so right about bumps in the road. We can go across them. We can succeed. We don't need to quit or back up. Thanks for the optimism and motivation!

Report Inappropriate Comment
LISA01605 4/11/2012 2:53PM

    This was such an inspirational blog. I have been having a very rough time lately. Work is busy and I just haven't cared much about food or exercise. I will get into it for a day or a week and then back slide. I love the part about bumps!! Never give up just proceed more cautiously :)

Report Inappropriate Comment
FEISTYOWL 4/11/2012 2:18PM

    You sound very in touch with where you are at - congrats on that! That can be hard to do.

I *love* your sign and how you interpreted it!! Really, that message is so great (I needed to hear it too), so thanks for sharing that.

Heres to going slowly over the bumps in this journey!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
TIGGER622 4/11/2012 2:13PM

    LOVE LOVE LOVE this blog!!! You are one tough cookie and a total inspiration!!!! Keep up the good work!!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
CH0718 4/11/2012 1:58PM

    I love that you are making time for the two of you to be together and striving for better balance. I think most of us need to do that. It sounds like it's been a rough go of things lately, but you appear to be coming out on the other side with your head in a good place. Hang on, it's going to be a bumpy ride, but it sure is a ride worth doing. (HUGS)

Report Inappropriate Comment
GETFIT2LIVE 4/11/2012 1:52PM

    So glad to read this, Candy! Yes, there are bumps--sometimes lots of them, and sometimes some pretty big ones that catch us by surprise. You're on the right course, though, and you will get through this period. Looking forward to meeting you at the R'n'R!

Report Inappropriate Comment

First Page  1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 Last Page