Sunday, October 02, 2011
I'm very happy about the arrival of Ms. Poppy (I think I'll call her Ms. all her life, I don't know. I called her Bump before she was, born, but that's another story..) so I wanted to document that separately. Overall, this has been an emotional weekend from h*ll and I didn't want to taint the goodness, pure beauty and love that is a new baby, with my issues.
I'm honest with you all, by extension of being honest with myself. I don't always share everything though, and that's simply the nature of living your life privately and only allowing glimpses at the bigger, more general picture.
I think things have been building up lately, moreso than usual. There are always stresses and issues and ups and downs in life. For whatever reason, it's all built up and spilled over Saturday morning.
I'm registered to run the Girlfriend's Half Marathon on October. 16. I'm registered. I've been training half-heartedly. I was supposed to run 7 with the Galloway group Saturday morning, and wrap up with an extra 3 to 5 on my own, since last weekend's run of 14 miles was a failure. Why? My legs were hurting, my right shin was aching, and to top it all off, I got stung by a bee, on my ankle, between the tongue of my shoe and my ankle. Sigh. It just was not meant to be. I may have been able to continue on if it weren't for the fact that the floodgate of tears opened up. I cried all the way back to my car because.. well, just because. It didn't hurt that badly, but it did sting, and I was just a mess.
I'm not overtrained for that Half. If anything, I'm undertrained. My head though. My head and my heart simply are not in it. I don't have the excited anticipation that I had with the Foot Traffic Flat Half in July. I have a senses of blahs. Not quite dread, but nothing really positive. Well, that's not entirely true. There are other Sparkers and friends who are doing the Girlfriends, so I think that makes it a cool event, from a personal standpoint. But from a running standpoint? Nope. Just not feeling it. I feel like I've paid for it, so I should at least show up and make the attempt. I may feel better emotionally between now and then. It could happen. Or I could feel worse, and totally avoid the event all together. I don't know yet. I just don't.
Yesterday, all that not knowing came pouring out. As I got ready to leave to meet up with the Tribe, I paused and told Bill that my head and my heart just aren't in it. Then I fell apart. More waterworks, more sobbing, more... emotional wreckage. He gave me permission not to go if I didn't feel it (not that I needed permission, or maybe I did need someone to say 'it's ok'..) so I stood in the kitchen crying my heart out for a half hour. Then I went a little sideways, and got out of my running capris and changed into jeans. I asked Bill to help me harness up the puppies, and to drive us out to the Gorge.
I've been wanting to go to the Gorge, to see our waterfalls, all summer. We just never took the time to do it. I love reading Roxxxit's blogs about her hikes, and the pictures she shares, because I WANT to do those things. I don't feel like I have time to do them though because I'm running on Saturday mornings, then playing catch-up the rest of the weekend with chores and errands.. or by sitting watching every episode of Grey's Anatomy on Netflix and not stirring off the love seat except for going potty and to eat everything in the snack cabinet. Yea, I did that last Friday and Sunday. Nice, huh?
So he got himself together, we got the girls in their harnesses, and got in the car. It's a short drive out to the Gorge, and we stopped often to let the girls out to potty and stretch their legs. One of the main waterfalls I wanted to visit was Bridal Veil falls. I've only been there once before, years ago. Like 5 years ago. At that time, I was able to walk down to the water, but could not walk up a series of steps to the platform to view the falls. It was too much for me. Walking back up to the parking area was too much for me, then, too. I had to stop several times along the way up stairs and the inclined paths.
This time? We made it all the way down to the platform.
It was beautiful, and it was good. This is not to say that I didn't cry 60% of the trip out to the Gorge, or along the way down to the falls. Or during the rest of the trip. I did. We spent 3 hours driving through the Gorge, stopping at falls, walking the girls, simply being outside. I knew enough that if I stayed in the house, I'd end up staring at the tv all day, or curled up in bed all day. I didn't want to give in to that completely.
After our getaway, we then did a little bit of errand running. I didn't realize until we were done and home for the day how horrible I looked. I hadn't put on make up, my eyes were swollen, my face was blotchy, I must have looked as bad as I felt. I don't normally go out in public looking horrible if I can avoid it. I'm vain enough to want to look at least presentable, and I simply didn't.
What I did do was eat a bag and a half of potato chips for dinner. Lovely, eh? Whatever. I logged it. I mean, really? What's the point of logging it? So I can say I did? So I can claim it and be righteous and say I'm starting over? I don't know if I am. I'm not out of this funk. I'm not crying as much today, but there are tears. There's also a plan.
I've mapped out how far it is to run a while from my office, along the waterfront. I know the distance. I know approx. how long it'll take. I don't know how my legs/muscles/shins will react. I don't know if I'll be able to run it, or if I'll be walking it. I don't know.
I don't know.
Maybe I'll run. Maybe I'll cry my way along. Maybe I'll have some revelation, some epiphany, some resolve. Or maybe I'll give up, come home, and turn on Grey's Anatomy and use that as an excuse to cry some more. I'm a mess guys, and while I love supporting you and cheering you on - and I appreciate the fact that you do the same for me - right now I don't even know if I can do it for myself, and I know no one else can do it for me. But I'm trying.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
It’s a good dilemma to have I suppose, although it does leave me feeling a bit sheepish.
So last weekend, I weighed in, recorded that weight, and my measurements. I’ll do the same thing this Sunday to keep consistent. Last weekend, I weighed 229.6. I expected the gain from the family visit and allowing myself to over-indulge far too often on too many not-so-healthy choices.
I weighed this morning, because I’m nosy. I weighed 222.2. Now, we all know it’s not logical for a body to drop 7.4 lbs in just 4 days. At least, not this body, at this stage of my journey.
Why sheepish? I guess because maybe I should have been more patient, waited out the water weight, etc. and so on. Then again, I have been kickin’ big ole bootay this week, hitting the gym three nights in a row so far and sweatin’ my patoot off in a serious manner.
Having said that, I am considering suspending my attendance at the group workout class until AFTER the Girlfriends’ in October. I’m still pretty frustrated with the class and how it's being run, and made some poor decisions about the state of my legs and my muscles, and now because of those poor decisions, my legs are shot. I’m supposed to run 14 this weekend with the Tribe as a last long run before the Half. Fortunately, I have an extra week on the rest of the team (they’re running the Portland Half on Oct. 9, I’m running Girlfriends’ on Oct. 16, one week later) so if this long slow one goes badly, I have a chance to recoup and try again next weekend.
Anyway, there’s always a chance that I could go hog wild and eat back on 5 lbs between now and Sunday. It’s not likely of course, but we just never know, do we? Heh.
Monday, September 19, 2011
This weekend was the Race for the Cure event here in Portland! Here's a great video to show you just a smidgen of what it was like.
It was incredible - reports estimate around 35,000 people filled Waterfront park. We were lucky to be just a few of so many. We were also very lucky to get to meet Joelley23!
This was going to be her first-ever 5K, and I was so excited for her! As it happens, BSchrantz and Roxit22222 were also running their first 5Ks as well!
It was such a madhouse, I mean it literally when I say we were lucky to meet up with her LOL She spotted us, and we stuck together through the line up, start, and finish of her race.
Ready to run!
Near the starting line.
Joelle running for the finish line!
Joelle with the MOUNTAINS of bananas LOL
We didn't get a picture of it later, but by the time we finished our 5K walk later (more on that in a moment..) the mountains were down to mere hills. Incredible!
Everywhere you looked, there was pink. I was careful not to let myself think too too much about why we were all there - y'know, that ole weepy ninny thing of mine LOL It was wonderful though to see Survivors racing through to the finish line, walking tall and strong and proud.
Bill and I, and daughter Courtney formed Team Katy. As you may (or not) recall, we lost Bill's sister Katy to cancer in May.
Bill wore his 'Real Men Wear Pink' tshirt - love it! We also printed out some pictures from our visit with Katy, and 'took her with us' on the walk.
I think she would have gotten a kick out of the whole event. The sea of people was so dense on the walk that we ended up dodging and weaving through people, trying to keep moving at a brisk pace. It still took us nearly an hour to finish, and that's alright. It was worth it.
We missed BSchrantz and Roxit22222 and GayeMC and some friends from work. Here's to having better luck finding each other at the next event!
Sunday, September 18, 2011
I recently explained to Karen42Boys that when I'm running, and I get tired but know I have a ways to go yet, I'll put my head down and simply make up my mind to keep going and finish what I started. One foot in front of the other. Continual forward progress. Keep moving, and you get there eventually.
That's what I'm going to do now.
I've allowed myself to not only come to a standstill, but to actually slide backwards. This has been the first time in my nearly year and a half stint with SparkPeople that I've gained back anything substantial. If I have my way (and there's no reason why I can't have my way) it'll be the last time.
I've weighed, and I've measured, and I've recorded. I've adjusted my ticket - the little icon on the ticker is now me, kicking fat's *ss. Time to live up to my original goal. I've gotten complacent, and that's just about enough I think.
Date - 06/26/2011
Neck - 15.5
Chest - 38
Up. Arm - 12.5
F.Arm - 11
Waist - 38
Hip - 41
Thigh - 25.5
Calf - 18
Lean Mass - 151.87
Fat Mass - 72.21
Date - 09/18/2011
Neck - 15
Chest - 39
Up.Arm - 13.5
F.Arm - 10
Waist - 40
Hip - 41
Thigh - 26
Calf - 17.5
Lean Mass - 146.79
Fat Mass - 82.21
I've also adjusted my BodyBugg program. What's the point of having the tool if I'm not going to use it for any good?
One pound a week is all I'm aiming for. I'll even accept 1/2 lb. As long as I'm making forward progress. No more backsliding. No more complacency.
Time to put my head down and get back to work.
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