Wednesday, November 27, 2013
I appreciate the nice 'welcome back's you've all afforded me, thank you. I also appreciate all the 'Likes' for items on my activity feed but.. I haven't done over 1,500 fitness minutes in the last several days.
I'm not sure why, but it appears my Fitbit is creating multiple entries in my Fitness tracker, which is wracking up major minutes/points/calories, but none of them are correct. I've been able to go in and remove the excess entries so that my calorie count is correct, but there's no way for me to remove those fitness minutes or trophies for them.
What an odd thing. Has this happened for anyone else? I did do a search on the Fitbit team but did not find a topic to coincide with what's going on. Curious.
So far things remain what is currently 'normal' for me. Eating pretty free-range, moving a little more than not at all, sleeping relatively 6-7 hours.
We're not having a traditional Thanksgiving here - we had that last Saturday actually. Let me explain.
While I've been 'gone' I've become even more immersed in animal care and rescue efforts. I was fortunate to be part of a team from Portland who traveled to the South to assist the ASPCA with a large group of fighting dogs who were rescued back in August. Read a brief part of our story here:
That was a life-changing event and one that, while I wish that kind of work was never needed again, I am eager to continue to help with whenever possible.
Well, the opportunity came up again, much closer to home this time!
Bill and I will be working at the emergency shelter tomorrow for Thanksgiving. We have a friend who will be going to the house mid-afternoon tomorrow to let our own kids out so they get some play time and exercise. We'll be home far too late to cook up any kind of normal Thanksgiving dinner, so we opted to have our fancy meal on Saturday instead. It was very good and we have plenty of turkey left that we can have some yummy turkey dish instead once we're home.
I'm thankful for my family and friends. I'm thankful that I'm able to donate to rescues to help them continue their good works in helping companion animals. I'm thankful that I'm able-bodied enough to help make a difference and care for our own kids and the kennel and rescue kids. I'm thankful for some much and continue to pay forward my good fortune as often as I can.
May the spirit of the season be with you, may you be warm and loved and cared for, and may you share that outward with the rest of the world.
Monday, November 25, 2013
You'd think with all the pounds I've added over the last several months, some of them could have settled in my chest area. Y'know, bigger plumper Girls, as it were. But no. No no, the breasts don't get the benefit, just the thighs, spreading every wider and w-i-d-e-r. And Eunice, my gut flap apron thing. I'd be mollified if my butt got rounder or better or something but it's just gotten broader rather than plumper. Does that make sense?
Oh. Hi I'm here, back, mostly. I've dusted off a few things, reconnected a few things, and we'll see where this leads me. I had my ridiculous tantrum for several months and now I'm paying the price. I don't feel good. I don't look good. I'm not surprised.
It's not going to be easy, or pretty, or heck even consistent at this point. But nothing worth having ever is, right?
Thank you for the messages and checking in on me.
Friday, August 30, 2013
I guess this makes it 'official'. I've been quiet, which isn't unusual, but I've also disconnected and stopped logging/logging in. I have some pretty interesting things ahead on the horizon and I'm focusing in that direction. I've let the two teams I co/lead know that I'll be gone for a bit, so I'm letting all y'all know as well.
Take care of yourselves. Love you, miss you 'til then....
Thursday, August 15, 2013
I quit. I was done. I was exhausted and tired of constantly feeling the loser without actually losing lbs - instead losing motivation and desire and the will(power?) to do what I'd done before to be successful.
So I was going to eat whatever I wanted and get fat again and to h*ll with it all. Maybe I'd even start smoking again.
Eat and do (or not!) whatever I wanted! Yea! I was going to put up the big ole middle finger to a healthy lifestyle and just sink back into oblivion and give up.
Except.. I know if I eat too many processed carbs, my skin breaks out and I hate that.
Except.. I know I'll physically be ill if I eat pasta or rice like I use to, spending far too much time in the bathroom evacuating that bad choice.
Except.. I like being able to breathe now.
Except.. if I don't keep moving I won't be able to take care of my own kids, let alone the kennel kids.
D*mnit, once you know better, it's hard to not do better. I'm not doing stellar by any means. I've gained, again. I've stopped running, again. I've made bad choices, again. But I'm not the same person I was 3 years ago and I can't put the blinders back on and pretend I don't know about better food choices and feeling better and being more active and actually living instead of existing.
I'm not happy about this. I might be grateful for it at some point but right now I'm just ticked.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have healthy veggie-eggs to eat for breakfast and a lap to make around the office. I'll be the one grumbling to herself as she trudges along, unable to actually quit and give up.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Negative blog, full of darker truths. This is not a cry for help or request for assistance or advice, but simply me, venting. Please do continue on to avoid the negativity.
Yesterday, while functioning on approx. 4-5 hours of sleep due to restlessness, tossing and turning, went like this:
Right out the gate, 4:15 am, I spilled a bowl of birdseed all over the living room floor. Wonderful start.
Cut off by someone on the drive in to work.
Yappy coworkers nattering on and on and on and on. And on. And ON.
Not enough breakfast.
Too much crap for lunch.
Resignation post composed and apologies message to Gaye written in my head as I decided I'd had enough of Spark.
Tired of 'leading' a team of close to 17,000 people with less than a dozen actual participants. Less than half a dozen is probably more accurate.
"F*ck it, I should get one of those big-*ss cookies downstairs, my *ss is spreading every day I might as well enjoy it."
Text message to Bill - fighting the urge for a giant cookie and contemplating giving in and getting fatter and unhealthier again.
Text message from Bill - no cookie, you're going to bed by 8 tonight.
Resist the cookie, have a pear instead.
Horrible traffic on the way to visit kennel kids.
Work with my pal Rusty and he's improving his walking and not bark-screaming at everyone quite so much.
Traffic home wasn't too bad.
My own kids don't bark or yell at me when I get home. That's very nice.
Bill has a yummy dinner ready to go when I get there.
Feed the kids, have dinner, watch the news, play a bit of a video game, eat two bags of microwave popcorn, and go to bed by 8:45.
Today, after closer to 7 hours sleep:
I can breathe again, and I don't feel quite so dire.
Traffic wasn't bad this morning.
Good breakfast, yummy lunch - no crap.
I don't want to throttle any coworkers (yet.. there's still time).
I'm going to send a team email to see if there's anyone out of nearly 17,000 people who wants to help lead the team. I've tried for a year.. or has it been two now? with little results. I can usually enjoy and subsist on the little, the small victories, but now I'm tired and worn down by feeling so lonely in the effort. When it stops being fun, it's time to do something else.
I'm not ready to throw in the 'fatter and unhealthier' towel quite yet. July is always an awful month for me. I'd hoped my Summer Mileage Challenge would help me work my way through it without stalling, but that too has fallen by the wayside.
I feel like a hypocrite being here. I like reading how many of you are doing and your efforts and successes and struggles and all of it. I feel like a fraud leading teams when I'm unable to be successful myself. I'm no good example for anyone - more like a dire warning.
Before Spark, I thought about losing weight but never really tried in earnest.
After Spark, I learned and gained knowledge, and lost weight.
And then I hit a bump (if only I could define that bump.. know what it is so I could get around and over it once and for all) and have regained not all, thank goodness, but some of the weight lost.
The problem with that is before, I didn't know better. Now that I do, I feel even more a failure because I was able to do it before, why can't I do it again now? What's the difference? What's wrong with me that I'm not able to do it again?
What is this apathy within me and how do I combat it and eventually win over it? My will to keep fighting is waning.
Enthusiastic fool has given way to negative cynic. Where oh where is that middle ground.
Maybe I need even more sleep than I thought.
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