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The Week (and Month) in Review: Cutting Weight

Sunday, December 04, 2011

November started off the bat with the challenge of injuring my rib in Muay Thai. I couldn't do any intense exercise for 2 and 1/2 weeks. Having said that, I am very glad it healed that quickly--I've heard horror stories of rib injuries causing problems for months. I got right back to work with Muay Thai, Jiu Jitsu, and weightlifting as soon as I felt up to it. This past week was a great workout week and I was able to end November on a high note.

Meanwhile, my saxophone playing has kind of taken a spot on the back burner. I have been deciding what to do about playing my saxophone, and at this time, I can't find a group to play with where I could dependably make it to rehearsals, let alone performances. I am also feeling financially stressed right now with setting up my home office and continuing to deal with credit card debt, so I think I need to stop taking lessons for a while. I still haven't settled on this decision yet. I really like my teacher Jeff and enjoy playing, but right now playing feels more like a stress than stress relief. Playing songs is stress-relieving, but I can't concentrate on trying to learn techniques. I have been in a funk with wanting to practice or play, and I hope it's just a temporary setback.

I will see how the next month goes and then decide whether to continue with lessons or not. Although lessons cost a lot (as does my gym membership), I make an effort to afford healthy activities. When I start working from home, I am hoping to pick up extra hours when people call in sick (which is almost daily). If I can pick up 4-8 extra hours each week, I should be able to get ahead with finances. I'm not doing horribly or anything and I'm not in financial trouble--yet--so I hope some extra work will help. One of my "luxuries" that is non-negotiable is my gym membership. I have to make sure I have the money for it--the gym is the root of my sanity.

The gym is also proving to be a great social outlet. There are several of us who are there for Jiu Jitsu almost every day and I've become pals with a couple of the guys. One of the guys has been particularly helpful with helping me learn Jiu Jitsu and has stayed after a couple of times to give me hints and practice techniques. He said he could tell that I was used to doing a striking martial art (Muay Thai) and that with Jiu Jitsu, sometimes less is more. He advised me to spend more time staying where I am and not trying to get out of the position I'm in. After all Jiu Jitsu is really about exploiting the opponent's weaknesses, so it makes sense to just kind of chill out and wait for them to create an opportunity. I've mostly been trying to muscle my way out of positions and move quickly.

His advice worked. Last Monday, for the first time, I pinned a guy in a position in which he could not defend himself, although it was not a submission. I got the guy in side control (I was on top). He tried to roll out of the position which gave me an opportunity to pin him. I had one of his arms pinned with my arms and the other with my left shoulder. My left shoulder also restrained his neck and head. If he tried to squirm away, I followed him, controlling his hips with my knees. He tried to muscle his way out of the grip I had on his upper body, and that didn't work either. Our instructor Nate watched this with some amusement.

Finally, the guy stopped moving and looked at Nate. "I can't do anything." Nate just smiled and said, "Sorry, can't help ya." The timer went off and I let go. "That was nice, wow," he said, shaking my hand. I was really happy about that--I think I might be able to get someone to tap out soon. I appreciate Jiu Jitsu more and more every day that I go.

The reason that I started going to this gym was to do Muay Thai training with Eric, someone I knew from my previous Muay Thai training. It is with some sadness that Eric will no longer be teaching the daytime Muay Thai classes. He will be teaching the evening classes, so I am going to make an effort to go to those when I can. Nate, my Jiu Jitsu coach, is also trained in Muay Thai and will be teaching the day classes from now on. While I do adore Nate and get a good workout in his Muay Thai classes, Eric is a superior Muay Thai instructor. Eric is still teaching the evening classes, so I need to make an effort to get to his classes whenever possible so I can continue to work on excellent technique. Even though Eric is the reason I started going to this gym, I am fortunate to enjoy all of the people there.

The other change at the gym is that my trainer Ty quit suddenly at the gym earlier this week. I had paid for training and got a hold of him to see what he wanted to do. Ty came to my house yesterday to do a workout. (Needless to say, my house is the cleanest it's been in quite a while.) The fact that we were outside of the gym did not stop Ty from giving me a workout that almost made me puke. I have a lot of stuff at home, but the only equipment we used was my barbell, a light set of dumbbells, and my step. He had me doing burpees, which I would have sworn up and down that I couldn't do. I had also thought that I couldn't do full push-ups or renegade rows, but I can do some of both of those, too. We practiced some Olympic lifting techniques, and then called it a day.

I decided to revamp the conditioning work I have been doing (or lack thereof) to increase strength and power. I am going to be doing an undulating strength training plan for an undefined period of time. Undulating periodization, or nonlinear periodization, simply means mixing up the strength training weight and rep pattern frequently, usually by each workout or each week. There are a lot of different ways to write an undulating plan. The goal is to tax the nervous system, energy systems, and muscle fibers in different ways. For the time being, I will be doing 1 lower body and 1 upper body hypertrophy (muscle growth) workout (heavy weights for 12 reps, 2 sets each exercise), 1 endurance circuit (light weights or body weight, 30 seconds-3 minutes per exercise), and 1 power workout (Olympic lifts) each week. I believe this will stimulate fat loss and power development simultaneously. Hmmm...undulating periodization would be a great topic for a Nerdrageous Blog!

I will make a great effort to make December injury-free so I can blast through my workouts. I believe I will reach my goals of getting out of the 250s and reaching 50 pound weight loss by the end of December. That will mean I have lost 50 pounds this past year, an average of a pound a week. Considering I have had a lot of ups and downs, that is a very big number. Goes to show that even when you can only do the bare minimum for a while, persistence pays off in the end.

I liked the way my instructor Nate put it. I have been fairly forthright with my instructors about my weight loss efforts. I was sparring with Nate last Wednesday and he suggested that I should consider competing. I was flattered that he thinks that highly of my abilities. "Yeah, maybe over the next year...and maybe after I lose another 50 pounds or so..."

"Oh, you're trying to cut weight?" he asked.

I like the term "cutting weight" to describe what I'm doing. Cutting weight is what athletes do, and I'm happy that my instructors consider me to be a real athlete. I aim to end 2011 with a major weight loss goal (50 pounds lost) and start 2012 ready to cut some serious weight.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    I think you are making good decisions. Your gym membership is very important and you can always get back to sax lessons later on .

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EMRANA 12/6/2011 8:53AM

  YAY for cutting weight! I like that too!

You rock, Erin. Such a wonderful person.


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    I'm always in awe when I read about your fitness endeavors!

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GEMINIAN1 12/5/2011 12:36PM

    emoticonI'm so glad your rib is better!
emoticonon your first side control.
Sounds like a killer home workout with Ty.
That is so awesome that he came over!
I have that same, my house is the cleanest when somebody is going to be coming over, syndrome.
Cheers ... to getting cut ... :-)
I hope that you're doing really good today my friend.
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JSALERNO 12/5/2011 6:17AM

    Good Luck! We can't always do everything. You'll figure it out.

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SMILINGTREE 12/4/2011 11:35PM

    Every time you write about all of your activities, I'm just floored. I get so tired of hearing, and thinking, that there isn't enough time. You prove that there is plenty of time to do the stuff that is important to you.

I hope that you are able to continue with the sax lessons. It seems like a different kind of healthy outlet. Congratulations on all the martial arts improvement. It is awesome that you are seeing progression.

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    I also like that he asked if you were cutting weight. wasn't even necessary because you already rock. Just something you could do if you so choose. Oh, and thanks to you I answered a question on Jeopardy correctly the other day. The answer was "Muay Thai". emoticon

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CANNIE50 12/4/2011 8:04PM

    One of my sons wrestled all through high school so there were many terms in your blog that I related to, especially cutting weight. I used to be so glad that while the wrestlers proudly walked around with their weight class on their singlets, or their jackets, they did not make the wrestler's MOMS do the same emoticon I am so proud of you. I am so glad you enjoy your strength and are making the most of it. I would love to read any and every blog you want to write about strength training since it is something I love, and something I don't know enough about (except that I love it). I always learn from you.

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When good trainers go bad...

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I found out today that my trainer Ty quit very suddenly on Monday. I won't go into the details because it ended badly for Ty and he ended up being escorted out. To say the least, I am saddened. I was just getting to know Ty and appreciate some of the things he brought out in me. I was just getting into the Olympic lifting, which I think will propel my athleticism to knew heights. I texted him and he says he is trying to find a new gym--I will have to decide if that will work or not. I already have a lot to juggle.

Also, as of this week, my Muay Thai coach Eric is no longer teaching the daytime classes. He is still teaching the evening classes, so I need to get my butt down there on Tuesdays and train with him. Nate, my Jiu Jitsu trainer, will be teaching Muay Thai now. He does MMA and has also trained with my old coach, Kru Mike, so I know it will still be good. I am bummed not to train with Eric more often, though; he is an exceptional Muay Thai instructor. On the other hand, Nate gives me an excellent cardio workout because he really keeps me moving. I suppose that building my endurance will have its upsides.

I was just getting comfortable in my new routine at my gym and now it's getting switched up. Ultimately, I still need to get through those doors 4-5 days a week and continue to kick ass.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    I hate change like that and hope it works out for you as you were doing so well with the exercise.

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1HAPPYWOMAN 12/4/2011 1:59PM

    That's right -- you'll continue to kick ass. You are my hero!

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DDOORN 12/1/2011 12:16PM

    Sorry to hear about the PT deal...but sounds like you are well on your way to keepin' on keepin' on!


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JSALERNO 12/1/2011 4:21AM

    you'll still kick butt!

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SCHWINNER! 11/30/2011 10:23PM

    Aww, I'm sorry you lost your trainer. I hope things work out for him too - it doesn't sound very good :
Chin up though - you'll find your groove soon enough. It'll take just a little bit of time to adjust, so power through!

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JITZUROE 11/30/2011 9:11PM

    DANG!! I am so sorry sweets!!! It felt like you had your groove on 100% and was supercharged for your workouts recently. Boo!
At least you have some flexibility to go to the other MMA class on Tues.
I hope you keep up your lifting though, and try to get a new trainer!!!


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    Sorry to hear about Ty...but usually new instructors and switching up your routine results in weight loss... so there's the bright side!

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GEMINIAN1 11/30/2011 8:20PM

    Wow, I wasn't expecting to read that about Ty.
Sorry to hear it.
What was that thing about, just when things seem to be going along just fine?
I hope everything continues on with *you* without missing a beat.
You rock.
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    Some people are so inconsiderate! emoticon Seriously though, that sucks...but I know that you will still get great training. You will get used to the new trainer in no time.

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The Week in Review: Where were you?

Sunday, November 27, 2011

I hope all of my SparkFriends had a nice Thanksgiving! Mine was pretty laid-back, enjoyed spending time with family. Also had my Tofurkey, mashed potatoes, and stuffing. Mmmmmm...

I haven't thanked everyone individually for the comments on my "Technical Difficulties" blog last week, but I will get to you. At first I was apprehensive of sharing that kind of personal information, but I'm glad I did. I appreciated people sharing their thoughts and experiences. I also realize that I deserve so much better than sitting around waiting for some jerk to contact me, wondering what's wrong with me. Well, there's not a damn thing wrong with me. I actually filtered e-mails from him to my trash, so I won't hear from him (unless he texts me, in which case I just won't respond). I know I'm a bit old-fashioned, but I think it is very cold to blow someone off after being intimate. I don't need someone to come crawling back to me after blowing me off and then having no luck elsewhere.

Actually, I feel a little burnt out on dating for the time-being and realize that it has been a bit of a distraction from focusing on my own personal goals. I have been tying up a lot of my time with dating, and it is getting me nowhere. So I'll return to focusing my efforts where I know I'll be satisfied: MMA. My rib is completely healed, and my knee is completely pain-free. Now I just need to do some hardcore focusing on conditioning and flexibility. I've never done a sport that really relies on flexibility, but I will do much better in Jiu Jitsu if I work on it. Also, I haven't done a lot of cardio outside of MMA training, so I am going to do more walking and jump rope workouts. I have been getting the itch to run again, but I think I will hold off on that for a bit until I'm in better shape and more accustomed to MMA training.

Yesterday morning my alarm went off in time to get to Jiu Jitsu. I rolled over and hit the snooze and dozed off. I repeated this process until it was too late to get up to go to Jiu Jitsu. I reset my alarm to get up in time to get to Muay Thai.

My alarm went off in time to get to Muay Thai. I rolled over and hit the snooze and dozed off. I repeated this process until it was too late to get up to go to Muay Thai. I reset my alarm to get up in time to get to my training session with Ty (which was not optional). I finally rolled out of bed, poured coffee down my throat, ate toast and soy milk, and headed to the gym.

I pulled up to the gym, opened the door, and 4 guys, including Nate, the owner and my Jiu Jitsu trainer, turned and looked at me.

"Where were you?" Nate asked sternly. The guys from my class were looking at me with the same look.

"What? Uhhh...well...I was umm," I stammered, then nearly whispered, "I was sleeping."

He stared at me and then slowly shook his head. "Well, don't let it happen again."

", I won't, I'll be here." I whisked away to get warmed up for my training session with Ty. And I had a big smile on my face.

Rather than feeling bad, I felt wonderful that my trainer cared enough to ask why I wasn't there for training. I have appreciated so much about my new gym, but I hadn't felt particularly like anyone was counting on me being there or that anyone would particularly notice if I didn't show up when I would normally be there. Now I realize that I am really part of a team and there are people who are going to call me out if I am not there. Now this journey isn't just about me, but about the community of my MMA team.

I have been doing personal training with Ty, and yesterday I started on Olympic lifts. He showed me some techniques and then had me try some. I was shocked to find that the barbell I was working with was 100 pounds. It felt light for all of the lifts except for the snatch. He wanted to see how much I could deadlift, so he had me try 160 pounds.

"Oh, wow...I don't think I can lift that much."

"Of course you can. Just walk up to the weight," he did a cocky walk over to the barbell. "Say, I'm gonna lift this sh*t. It'll be easy. This is nothin'," and then started lifting the barbell. "I think all of your limitations are in your mind."

"Okay, I'll give it a shot." I walked over to the barbell, decided that 160 pounds is nothin', and started lifting. I easily did several of them.

"Damn, you are REALLY strong," he said, a little wide-eyed. "This is definitely something you should be doing." I appreciate having my athletic abilities complimented and that I'm not just treated as that fat girl who is trying to lose weight. Ty has not ever mentioned my weight (other than discussing it the one time I brought it up) and he trains me like he would any other athlete. He expects the same level of effort and performance from me as he would from any other athlete. I was unsure about Ty at first, but I see how teases my underlying talents out of me by pushing me to my very limits. I need to have a little more of his "winner" attitude, too. Ty knows what he's good at and isn't afraid to say it. I shouldn't hesitate to acknowledge my talents, either.

Hmmm...I wonder if I could lift Ty over my head? Image from

I plan on doing MMA training 4 days a week followed by practicing some Olympic lifts 3 days a week. I am surprisingly sore today from the Olympic lifts (good workout sore, not injury sore) even though I didn't do them for long. I've realized how truly taxing they are. I hope to develop better athletic performance as well as spurring some weight loss with the new activity. The additional cardio should help, too.

I thought my goal of getting out the 250s by the end of the year were quashed by my overeating (and, ahem, overdrinking) over the past couple of weeks. I was pleasantly surprised to see a loss of 2 pounds instead of a gain. I 100% expected a gain. Anyways, who am I to argue with the numbers? As much as I try not to focus on the number on the scale, I am always pleased to have a loss, nonetheless an unexpected one.

I like unexpected surprises, and this past week had a few of them. Perhaps being asked, "Where were you?" was the best one. You better believe my butt will be out of bed and at the gym tomorrow. I hope yours is, too.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CANNIE50 12/1/2011 1:02AM

    160!!!!!!! 160!!!!!!!! 160!!!!!!!!! Um, yes, I would say Olympic lifting IS something you should be doing. I read both your blogs, in backwards order, so I was sad to see Ty's gorgeous self, and read about his training and his belief in you, and know that he was booted from the gym. I followed my trainer to his new gym and am very glad I did so, but I can see that might not be an option for you since you have so much going on, and so many strong boys waiting to work out with you at your current place. I always enjoy reading about your fitness exploits. Okay, IronWoman, keep kicking and lifting and lifting and kicking (and it is good you kicked Mr.POS to the curb).

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EMRANA 11/28/2011 12:12PM

  Go Erin! I love reading your blogs already, and totally loved reading about your 160 pound lifts!

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BAZOOKABOBCAT 11/28/2011 8:48AM

    Holy lord. I'd lift 200 if that man asked me to. ha ha ha ha ha.

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HIKINGSD 11/28/2011 4:00AM

    How sweet! That is awesome that they missed you :)

Congrats on your weight loss!

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MORTICIAADDAMS 11/27/2011 11:40PM

    It's really great to have trainers who care about your progress. It certainly beats the jerks most women encounter in the dating world.

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    Awww...your boys missed you ;) It must be great to be part of a team and know that they count on you.

Have a great week!

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APIRLRAIN888 11/27/2011 7:14PM

    Woohoo u are right u deserve the best and glad u got soeoe to keep u accountable in real life

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CHAOSTHEORY635 11/27/2011 6:51PM

    YAY FOR LIFTING!!! My snatch is atrocious...I have the hardest time learning the O-lifts.

Also? Your trainer is HOT.

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JSALERNO 11/27/2011 5:05PM


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    Good going on the lifting, Erin! It's good to know you have people who will call you out if you don't get to your workouts. And omg your trainer is so freaking hot I would be nervous working out with him! Ah!

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GEMINIAN1 11/27/2011 4:49PM

    Sometimes love comes when people *aren't* lookin'.
I agree with you, that is cool that they asked where you were.
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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VALERIEMAHA 11/27/2011 4:48PM

    What a totally upbeat blog, full of the foibles and joys of our humanity. You deeply inspire me, grrl! Don't forget the value of yoga in terms of your stretching needs.

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The Week in Review: Technical Difficulties

Sunday, November 20, 2011

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***POSSIBLE TMI...Yes, this blog mentions sex (no explicit details). Please stop reading if that would offend you.***

This week...I'm not even sure what the hell happened this week. It was a blur with some crazy situations. I ignored my food intake. I cried at work. I hardly worked out. My whole routine was just way off. I've generally felt apathetic, although I wouldn't say that I have been feeling negative overall. But this week was just...weird. Part of it is the chaos at work, another part was not going to the gym regularly...I've just generally been experiencing technical difficulties. I can't even think of a cohesive way to write a blog about this week, so please bear with me.

So, onto the sex part. I haven't really talked about my dating life (let alone anything about sex) on SparkPeople, partially because my love life is not that interesting for the most part, and then, of course, there is the PG-ness of SparkPeople. I do go on dates here and there, but most of them are not that great. I'll just say that I think that intimacy is an important part of this journey. This can include back massages from friends, hugs from family members, pats on the back, know. I believe the best way to be comfortable with ourselves is to allow others to touch us. I am not talking just about sexual intimacy, but in general being comfortable with those who are close to us. However, I think that having a healthy sex life is vital, and this includes alone time and with others. I'll leave it at that.

I had a date on Tuesday with a guy I met online on a dating website. It was a blind date, and it was not a date where there was any intention know. I am happy to say that I was not nervous at all. Maybe it's SparkPeople. Maybe it's being around the guys in Muay Thai and Jiu Jitsu. Maybe it's my awesome friends and family. In any case, I don't get nervous about dates any more. I am who I am, and people can either accept that or not. I am not going to put on a show to make myself seem "better" than I am or act fake in any way. I don't put on any kind of front, which may be to my detriment when it comes to dating. Between the MMA, the brashness, the independence...needless to say, I seem to scare the crap out of a lot of guys. For some reason, these factors become end up being their focus, and never mind that I love other types of exercise, gardening, and saving puppies and kittens. I know dating sucks for everyone, especially when you're an introvert who is also crass and frank.

On Tuesday, I was feeling great after my saxophone lesson with Jeff because he complimented me several times (a rarity). I met the guy at a pub near my house. We had great conversation and were having a good time, but neither of us are really drinkers. I asked him if he wanted to come over so we could keep chatting (and that was genuinely what I had in mind). We talked for a couple of hours about everything--music (he's a bassist), cats, family, depression, religion, and then a bit about relationships. Well, we cuddled on the couch watching Conan O'Brien, and then...

There it was, the mention of sex.

Anyways, I had a lot of fun with him, and I thought we had a lot in common. He texted and e-mailed (that he initiated) several times since Tuesday, and asked if I wanted to get together Saturday (yesterday). We made plans for Saturday and he knew I was planning on cooking him dinner. Like a moron, I bought all sorts of special foods (i.e. expensive) to make him dinner. He said several times over the past couple of days that he hadn't been feeling well (although he seemed to feel just fine enough to go out to a concert every night). He bailed on me yesterday morning, saying he "wasn't feeling well" and didn't think he would be up to coming over. Well, I found out later that he placed an ad looking for sex. What do I do when I find this out?

I cried. Like a blubbering baby.

Did I cry because I love the jerk? Because I could foresee some big future with him? Because I felt I knew him well? No. It wasn't any of these. Actually, I'm the one who is usually a little detached from--ahem--physical love and generally don't get overly-emotional about these things. But I don't toy with people. I just don't understand WHY people play games. If he isn't interested, he should just tell me. I know that he owes me no explanation and that my frank approach is the exception and not the norm, but I still find it childish and frustrating.

He may have put on a fake front to fool me (and I bought it), but I won't compromise myself for anyone. EVER.
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Anyways, I'm upset. I'm still upset as I write this, but writing makes me feel better (EDIT: I'm almost done writing this entry and I am actually not upset anymore). I let Overly-Emotional Hopeless Romantic Optimist Erin take over, but luckily Rational Healthy-Dose-of-Cynicism Realist Erin was right there to soften the blow. While I would not normally write about most dating or sex things on SparkPeople, both have been a great source of frustration for me. I vacillate between wanting to have a relationship, wanting a lover, or wanting to be left the hell alone; my mind and body can never seem to agree. I think I was just caught in a romantic mood this week, plus he put on a good show of pretending to be someone he's not, and I fell for it. I really don't want advice, I know that this was a situation that I ultimately chose. I am glad that finding a partner does not consume my life, but it seems that I would have to put forth a lot more effort to find someone who is genuine and who deserves me. I am not in any way bashing men (women play games, too), but rather, I need to evaluate the traits that attract me to a person and find out how to filter them better. I'll just throw in there, too, that I also have no regrets.

Overly-Emotional Hopeless Romantic Optimist Erin sez:

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But Rational Healthy-Dose-of-Cynicism Realist Erin knows the guy is a jerk and sez:

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Enough about love. Love, schmove. Overly-Emotional Hopeless Romantic Optimist Erin and Rational Healthy-Dose-of-Cynicism Realist Erin can work on coming to an agreement. I was almost glad to have the distraction this week from the B.S. at work. I should have everything together to get set up to work from home over the next 2-3 weeks. With winter ready to sink its teeth in, I will be very happy to not have to commute in the dead of Minnesota winter. Besides the commute, I will be physically removed from the toxic environment at my work. (This week it was literally toxic, we almost had a battery in a back-up power unit catch on fire and had to call the fire department, and several of us became ill...but that's another story...). Working from home is the next best thing to having a new job, though. I'll stick it out and see how this goes. I imagine I will be a lot less stressed without being in a noisy call center. There also won't be many opportunities for co-workers to stab me in the back since I won't be there. I hope it makes this job a lot better. There are a couple of co-workers that I will miss seeing, but for the most part, my friends have quit or been fired.

I only went to Muay thai once this week, and luckily it did not bother my ribs. My ribs seem to be completely healed now, and I am going to return to Jiu Jitsu on Monday. If my ribs seem bothered, I'll hold off for a bit longer, but I think it will be okay. So I will be back to doing Jiu Jitsu followed by Muay Thai Monday-Wednesday-Friday and Muay Thai sparring on Saturday. I have missed my classes terribly; I've been very restless without the intense workouts. Of course, I miss seeing the guys at my gym more often, too. They are a great support system.

I'm making some decisions about playing my saxophone. My teacher Jeff thinks I should join a community band. One thing I didn't think about when I started taking lessons was whether I would be able to join a group and make it to rehearsals and performances, given that I work evenings. I am checking out some options in the community.

Whether it be love, my job, playing my saxophone, doing martial arts, or being a friend or family member, I say:

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The technical difficulties are behind me. The emotional ones? Well, those will need some tweaking. This week I aim to return to my regularly scheduled normal routine--the gym, eating well, yoga, lots of saxophone playing, more time with friends. But I'll hold off on love being a part of my routine for the time being.

This week:

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Thanks for listening!

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HIKINGSD 11/28/2011 3:54AM

    You are a strong woman and you deserve happiness.

It's better to find out what kind of person he is now than to find out years later when you have built a family together.

Unfortunetely (but mostly fortunetely) when we meet people we can not see their flaws.

Please do not let one unworthy person stop you from finding or believing in what you desire.


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JITZUROE 11/27/2011 9:50AM

    You ARE worth it. I love how honest you were here. I think that guy was a creep. I am sure we all do, but I also am thankful that he seemed in tuned enough to how original and awesome that you are that he bowed out of your life. Hear me out here. See, he obviously got to know you a bit and saw only a tiny sliver of how amazing and talented you are -in so many areas. you were WAY too good for him. He knew it. And he is a lucky guy since if I was around I would chomp his legs down to little stumps, and then laugh at him. Oooh that sounded mean, sorry. Guess I am a bit protective of beautiful peeps getting hurt.

Do not give up. The guy (you know, as in THE GUY), is out there. Really. I was not looking for my DH, and had noooooooo plans on pursuing anything with him, but it all just kinda happened. And that was a looooooooong time ago (15 years!), and I still love him just as much now as then. Be patient. Keep kicking a** with the MMA, join that community band and be yourself. You are solid gold baby!


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1HAPPYWOMAN 11/23/2011 12:08AM

    Erin, I just think you're so brave to be yourself and meet people online and go on dates and put yourself out there.... I wish I were as brave as you. Sorry the guy turned out to be a doofus.

Please remember that your honesty and courage and strength make you a dream come true for some lucky fellow out there! I hope you and he find each other soon.
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DARKTHOR 11/22/2011 10:36AM

    I think you have to keep putting yourself out there, despite the jerks who are all too prevalent. I think you are doing a great job at not letting it bother you more than it should. This guy is the one who screwed up, it is probably for the best that he did so now.

I hope working at home is fantastic, enjoy your time away from the drama!

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DDOORN 11/21/2011 3:11PM

    SO sorry to hear about this idiot who couldn't see and appreciate that he had "the real deal" when he was with you and treat you accordingly! His loss!

VERY much appreciate your thoughts about touch and intimacy...absolutely essential to tend to these needs as well. Especially if, as has been the case for me, one has bashed oneself so badly during all these morbidly obese years that touch was avoided at all costs as a horrible reminder of what I had done to myself!

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GEMINIAN1 11/21/2011 11:46AM

    Sorry about your experience with that dude.
I'm glad that you found out "sooner than later"; but, I'm still sorry that it had to happen at all.
Woo-Hoo on your healed ribs.
You are worth it my friend ... :-)

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CANNIE50 11/20/2011 9:44PM

    Oh, Erin, is it wrong that I would like to slap the guy and call him names? So very unsparkly of me, I know. I have been (re)married for a long time now, and I am still very attracted to my husband (when he is not annoying the willies out of me) but I very much remember my single and looking days. One thing that helped me was finally acknowledging to myself and others (including those I dated) was that I wanted the love of a good man and I wanted to marry. That was SO hard for me to admit, for some crazy reason. Anyway, I hope that didn't come across as advice, it was more of me just telling you my story whether you wanted to hear it or not emoticon (see how I did that? see how I got around your "no advice" rule? pretty crafty of me, hunh?) I predict that you will join a band, share your talent with the world, and in the course of sharing your music, meet a good man who deserves the amazing woman that is Y O U! emoticon emoticon

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    emoticonS.E.X. talk on shocking emoticon
You are a strong woman so I have no doubt at all that you will recover quickly from this...and hey, you did have some fun. It is just too bad he was a lying arsehole.
I know everyone says this...but it happened to me... you will find someone worthy of you when you least expect it.
You are such an awesome, rockin' chick!


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SYZYGY922 11/20/2011 7:22PM

    Sorry the guy turned out to be a jerk. emoticon

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VALERIEMAHA 11/20/2011 5:53PM

    As usual...exceptional writing and deeply perceptive reflections. Men and women are So.Profoundly.Different from one another I sometimes think it's a miracle that any long-term relationships work. All I can say is "Good luck!"

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MORTICIAADDAMS 11/20/2011 3:10PM

    The truth is that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince. I know I did. But I would keep it at that and not go further.

I think it would be great to work at home.

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    i feel for you. i don't miss the dating scene at all. i used online dating a lot so i know there are so many creeps out there just looking to get laid (and to be honest, for a while that's all i really wanted, too). then i kinda of got sick of the whole online dating thing and realized that 99% of the time casual sex tended to make me feel like i was being used and usually didn't result in a "happy ending" for me anyway...and i've had some self-esteem issues so i was just happy that anyone wanted to have sex with me (at 280 pounds I was amazed that anyone found me attractive enough to want to sleep with me- but that's a whole other story). but anyway, i was about to quit the site and then i got a message from a guy who actually seemed like he wasn't a creep, so i gave it a chance. and now he's my husband. i had to kiss a lot of frogs to find my prince. (that sounds so idiotic, but it is suiting). so i hope you don't give up completely...because you've got to date a ton of creeps before you find a decent "date-able" human. and for you it must be even harder to let someone into your life since you're so independent.

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HEALTHYL1 11/20/2011 12:57PM

    It's good that you wrote this to help sort things out. At least you can move on now and enjoy other things in your life.

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EMRANA 11/20/2011 11:19AM

  I think you'll find the right person in a different place than most do. Since you're so into serious gym work, you may find that he finds you there. Not necessarily in your MMA classes, but I think a great woman like you needs someone who can be her equal in that way. I'm sorry to hear about the jerk, but you're handling it great!

Working in your jammies will be rockin' too.

I love the way you write out all these things and show us an inspiration for working through emotions. Your blogs are wonderful.


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APIRLRAIN888 11/20/2011 10:42AM

    Yoke there are some weird ppl out there! Great attitude by the way

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BECKY3774 11/20/2011 7:02AM

    I'm glad you found an outlet for everything going on in your head this week. I'm glad to 'listen' anytime you need to talk. Enjoy your regularly scheduled programming next week emoticon

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MFTAGGFREEZE 11/20/2011 4:29AM

    Wow, you said alot. It was a pleasure reading though.

Sometimes we forget that there is a life outside of working out and trying to stay fit.

You have your priorities right. If it comes it comes if not, it'll come later.

Besides, once it comes, you'll miss these days.

Have a great rest of the day.... Jeez it's early.

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The Week in Review: It only hurts when I scream.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Yeah, I know, the title may be misleading, but this week was a great improvement compared to the previous couple of weeks. My attitude was on the fritz, I've been overeating, I haven't been able to do intense exercise and because of my ribs, it really hurt to scream. Maybe it was good that it hurt to scream--I had to find other ways to handle my frustrations. I tried watching funny videos to cheer myself up, but it hurt to laugh, too.

My saxophone teacher Jeff was poking fun at my gloomy attitude this week when I expressed frustration with my playing. "Well, walking is too hard, I guess I'll keep crawling. But hey, crawling is too hard, too." At least it got a giggle out of me. I think I am finally becoming more tolerant of the learning process of playing a musical instrument. Moreover, I think playing has revealed how self-conscious I really am, about everything, and with Jeff's help, I'm learning that being self-conscious is not necessary. I am learning to be more accepting of mistakes, and if I mess up, I can just take it from the top right away. I'm not sure if playing my sax has made me less self-conscious, or if I have become less self-conscious in general, thus more comfortable with my playing. Either way, I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin despite a stressful couple of weeks. As a matter of fact, the past couple of weeks of work stress and having an injury have truly revealed my perseverance. I have been far from perfect with my eating and wasn't able to do intense exercise, but I didn't disappear. I went through the motions the best I could if that was necessary. I had a "Screw it" attitude, but towards the people who are causing me stress, not towards myself. Yes, crawling is hard at first, as is walking, but it is worth it to keep on taking those steps, even when they are painful.

Although my rib injury was a bummer, my greatest irritation over the past couple of weeks has been my job. I have yet to hear back from the other company, but in the meantime, there is hope for my current job. For starters, I am going to tell my boss (not my immediate "supervisor") that I think that a final warning write-up is extreme for the "problems" that were brought to their attention, which included occasionally making fun of rude callers. If we are making fun of a jerk caller, it is usually banter between co-workers, so I am far from the only one who engages in doing that. It was written that making fun of callers is "rude to my co-workers." And then, of course, there was one of the newer staff members who tattled on me for warning her that she could get written up over petty crap. I also think that it would be extreme to fire an excellent staff member like myself over something so trivial. My "supervisor" also talked to at least 2 other staff members about me (the 2 who told me about it), asking if they had a problem with me. I think it is unconscionable that my "supervisor" went on a fishing exhibition to try to get people to trash me. Fortunately, my boss sees the value in having me as an employee and is going to allow me to work remotely from home. I am very excited for this opportunity. I believe that it will solve the problems that I have at this job because I won't be in the physical presence of the backstabbers. I need to put together enough cash to get a new computer, but I think I will be able to pull it off over the next few weeks. However, if I do hear back from the other company, I will still see what they have to offer. I think my current employer will see how much I really do when I'm there once I'm not there, such as advising other people on their cases. In any case, I can't wait for the day I can finish a workout, shower quickly, put on some pajamas, and pad over to my computer to work. I have been waiting for a while for this.

My ribs, which I injured a couple of weeks ago in Muay Thai, don't hurt very much any more. I have very mild discomfort with coughing or sneezing, but it seems much better. I did a strength training workout yesterday and that was fine. I know it was wise to take a couple of weeks off of intense exercise to let the injury heal, and I'm glad it seems to have resolved quickly. I am going to go to Muay Thai tomorrow for the first time in 2 weeks. I have felt like an absolute slug with not being able to go to MMA training over the past couple of weeks. I still have some bruises, so I know I haven't been away for very long, but I was very used to my routine. I will hold off on Jiu Jitsu, which is much more rough than Muay Thai, for a couple more weeks. I'm looking forward to getting back to my routine, plus I have missed my boys at the gym.

My eating has been--what's the word?--atrocious. Okay, that might be a little bit of an exaggeration. I had a big binge earlier in the week, but have otherwise been eating okay foods, just too much. I have been craving carbs in a terrible way, and I know that's just stress screaming out. I am going to make an honest effort this week to track accurately and actually follow that plan without going over my calories each day. I also batch cooked this week for the first time in a while and made a big pot of pinto bean, corn, and tofu chili. That has been a delicious dinner with a warm French roll. I have some other recipes pulled up and when I can shop later this week, I'm going to do some more batch cooking. I plan on making Tofu Fried Rice, Chickpeas and Dumplings, and Curried Lentils with Caramelized Onions. I am so much more likely to stay on track if I prepare really satisfying warm meals than I do if I come home and scrounge for whatever is handy.

I'm glad that it no longer hurts to scream, although now I don't feel the need. Fortunately, my positive attitude has been mostly restored, and it no longer hurts to laugh. This song by comedian Jon Lajoie pretty much sums up my attitude over the past couple of weeks--at least it has provided plenty of giggles over the past few weeks when I've needed it. ***WARNING: lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots (LOTS) of F-bombs***:

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JITZUROE 11/16/2011 12:16PM

    Woah- chickpeas and dumplings???? Sorry, I really meant to start off with a comment on your blog but I am stuck on the chickpeas thing. Is it veggie? Is it gluten free or perhaps something I can make gluten free? I am already drooling!

Ok back to my comment. Your poor ribs!!! I have dislocated a rib before and it stinks! You want to laugh but can only smile. And coughing is murder (so don't get sick!). Ribs just plain take time. No doubt that the obnoxious eating had a lot to do with feeling outta control about the injury and how it is dictating your life right now - and stealing your sax time and workouts.

I hope the job thing works out. Gosh, you really need someone to throw you z none here,right??? : ))) I'll scream for you today, since that might hurt for you to go too!

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KKINNEA 11/14/2011 12:50PM

    Sounds like things are looking up and you will get your eating back on track.

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MORTICIAADDAMS 11/14/2011 12:02PM

    I'm glad to see your ribs doing better. Hopefully the work situation will resolve soon. I think it would be cool to work at home.

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ARCHIMEDESII 11/14/2011 10:31AM

    wow... you certainly do have problems with petty co-workers. I suppose I'm not surprized by this sort of behavior. I've seen it before. Some people are looking to "edge" out their competition. They get rid of you and they think they'll get more money once you're gone. wrong. they get rid of you and they're looking at more work !!

I'm glad that your boss sees your value and is allowing you to work from home. Now, you don't have to pay an arm and a leg for a new computer. Consider buying a refurbished model. I don't know if you have a company called Microcenter near you, but Microcenter has some really great deals on refurbished computers. Our company bought TEN HP refurbished desktops for $250 each ! and they came with a printer ! Okay, they aren't Apples, but as long as you aren't running high end software that requires a lot of memory, a refurbished HP, Dell, IBM, etc... may serve your purposes. They've also had eMachines for $199 each in past.

go here for more info.

Oh and you really are a Renaissance woman, aren't you ? Mu Thai boxing AND you play sax !! phew...

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SMILINGTREE 11/14/2011 9:38AM

    I love, absolutely love, working from home. (it might have more to do with working for MYSELF, than working from home, I don't know.) I tell people that I am "master of my own schedule" and just knowing that makes a big difference in how I feel about work.

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    I'm glad you will be able to go back to Muay Thai. I'm sure it will help you get back on track.
Once you are working from home you will be less stressed and your co-workers can go Chainsaw themselves ;P

BTW...wish I had seen this video yesterday ;)

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JSPEED4 11/14/2011 2:10AM

    Well, as long as names aren't named, talking--even laughing--about some tense situations at work is what co-workers are for--to a great extent!

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CANNIE50 11/13/2011 11:53PM

    I am glad you are healing and I am really glad there is relief in sight for your atrocious (thanks for reminding me, I love that word) working environment. I am also glad to hear you are feeling more comfortable in your own skin. You have every reason to be comfortable inside your strong, kind, brilliant self. Shoot, you shouldn't just be comfortable, you should be reveling!

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JILLYBEAN25 11/13/2011 11:50PM

    Chainsaw that job and those backstabbers! Chainsaw!! I hope things pan out the way they should, and I hope you have a great time at Muay Thai.

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GEMINIAN1 11/13/2011 6:55PM

    emoticonworking from home emoticon
No extra of this ... emoticon
I recommend computer shopping on-line.
Black-Friday is on Friday; I'm sure you can get a killer, killer deal.

I'm glad to hear that your ribs are doing better.
I was worried about you.

When I cook, I love to cook big.
Unless it's just like a hamburger or something.
You know what I mean. Anyway.
Who gives a ....

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MEWHENRYSMAMA 11/13/2011 5:55PM


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    My eating has been atrocious as well. Let's commit to better eating this week! I know that's my goal.

I hope you get back into your routine and your rib pain goes away soon.

Have a great week! emoticon

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