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When good trainers go bad...

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I found out today that my trainer Ty quit very suddenly on Monday. I won't go into the details because it ended badly for Ty and he ended up being escorted out. To say the least, I am saddened. I was just getting to know Ty and appreciate some of the things he brought out in me. I was just getting into the Olympic lifting, which I think will propel my athleticism to knew heights. I texted him and he says he is trying to find a new gym--I will have to decide if that will work or not. I already have a lot to juggle.

Also, as of this week, my Muay Thai coach Eric is no longer teaching the daytime classes. He is still teaching the evening classes, so I need to get my butt down there on Tuesdays and train with him. Nate, my Jiu Jitsu trainer, will be teaching Muay Thai now. He does MMA and has also trained with my old coach, Kru Mike, so I know it will still be good. I am bummed not to train with Eric more often, though; he is an exceptional Muay Thai instructor. On the other hand, Nate gives me an excellent cardio workout because he really keeps me moving. I suppose that building my endurance will have its upsides.

I was just getting comfortable in my new routine at my gym and now it's getting switched up. Ultimately, I still need to get through those doors 4-5 days a week and continue to kick ass.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MORTICIAADDAMS 12/7/2011 3:20PM

    I hate change like that and hope it works out for you as you were doing so well with the exercise.

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1HAPPYWOMAN 12/4/2011 1:59PM

    That's right -- you'll continue to kick ass. You are my hero!

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DDOORN 12/1/2011 12:16PM

    Sorry to hear about the PT deal...but sounds like you are well on your way to keepin' on keepin' on!

Don

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JSALERNO 12/1/2011 4:21AM

    you'll still kick butt!

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SCHWINNER! 11/30/2011 10:23PM

    Aww, I'm sorry you lost your trainer. I hope things work out for him too - it doesn't sound very good :
Chin up though - you'll find your groove soon enough. It'll take just a little bit of time to adjust, so power through!

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JITZUROE 11/30/2011 9:11PM

    DANG!! I am so sorry sweets!!! It felt like you had your groove on 100% and was supercharged for your workouts recently. Boo!
At least you have some flexibility to go to the other MMA class on Tues.
I hope you keep up your lifting though, and try to get a new trainer!!!

Bren

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MUSICALLYMINDED 11/30/2011 8:47PM

    Sorry to hear about Ty...but usually new instructors and switching up your routine results in weight loss... so there's the bright side!

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GEMINIAN1 11/30/2011 8:20PM

    Wow, I wasn't expecting to read that about Ty.
Sorry to hear it.
What was that thing about, just when things seem to be going along just fine?
I hope everything continues on with *you* without missing a beat.
You rock.
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SUNFLOWERSAVAGE 11/30/2011 7:08PM

    Some people are so inconsiderate! emoticon Seriously though, that sucks...but I know that you will still get great training. You will get used to the new trainer in no time.

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The Week in Review: Where were you?

Sunday, November 27, 2011

I hope all of my SparkFriends had a nice Thanksgiving! Mine was pretty laid-back, enjoyed spending time with family. Also had my Tofurkey, mashed potatoes, and stuffing. Mmmmmm...

I haven't thanked everyone individually for the comments on my "Technical Difficulties" blog last week, but I will get to you. At first I was apprehensive of sharing that kind of personal information, but I'm glad I did. I appreciated people sharing their thoughts and experiences. I also realize that I deserve so much better than sitting around waiting for some jerk to contact me, wondering what's wrong with me. Well, there's not a damn thing wrong with me. I actually filtered e-mails from him to my trash, so I won't hear from him (unless he texts me, in which case I just won't respond). I know I'm a bit old-fashioned, but I think it is very cold to blow someone off after being intimate. I don't need someone to come crawling back to me after blowing me off and then having no luck elsewhere.

Actually, I feel a little burnt out on dating for the time-being and realize that it has been a bit of a distraction from focusing on my own personal goals. I have been tying up a lot of my time with dating, and it is getting me nowhere. So I'll return to focusing my efforts where I know I'll be satisfied: MMA. My rib is completely healed, and my knee is completely pain-free. Now I just need to do some hardcore focusing on conditioning and flexibility. I've never done a sport that really relies on flexibility, but I will do much better in Jiu Jitsu if I work on it. Also, I haven't done a lot of cardio outside of MMA training, so I am going to do more walking and jump rope workouts. I have been getting the itch to run again, but I think I will hold off on that for a bit until I'm in better shape and more accustomed to MMA training.

Yesterday morning my alarm went off in time to get to Jiu Jitsu. I rolled over and hit the snooze and dozed off. I repeated this process until it was too late to get up to go to Jiu Jitsu. I reset my alarm to get up in time to get to Muay Thai.

My alarm went off in time to get to Muay Thai. I rolled over and hit the snooze and dozed off. I repeated this process until it was too late to get up to go to Muay Thai. I reset my alarm to get up in time to get to my training session with Ty (which was not optional). I finally rolled out of bed, poured coffee down my throat, ate toast and soy milk, and headed to the gym.

I pulled up to the gym, opened the door, and 4 guys, including Nate, the owner and my Jiu Jitsu trainer, turned and looked at me.

"Where were you?" Nate asked sternly. The guys from my class were looking at me with the same look.

"What? Uhhh...well...I was umm," I stammered, then nearly whispered, "I was sleeping."

He stared at me and then slowly shook his head. "Well, don't let it happen again."

"Oh...uhh...no, I won't, I'll be here." I whisked away to get warmed up for my training session with Ty. And I had a big smile on my face.

Rather than feeling bad, I felt wonderful that my trainer cared enough to ask why I wasn't there for training. I have appreciated so much about my new gym, but I hadn't felt particularly like anyone was counting on me being there or that anyone would particularly notice if I didn't show up when I would normally be there. Now I realize that I am really part of a team and there are people who are going to call me out if I am not there. Now this journey isn't just about me, but about the community of my MMA team.

I have been doing personal training with Ty, and yesterday I started on Olympic lifts. He showed me some techniques and then had me try some. I was shocked to find that the barbell I was working with was 100 pounds. It felt light for all of the lifts except for the snatch. He wanted to see how much I could deadlift, so he had me try 160 pounds.

"Oh, wow...I don't think I can lift that much."

"Of course you can. Just walk up to the weight," he did a cocky walk over to the barbell. "Say, I'm gonna lift this sh*t. It'll be easy. This is nothin'," and then started lifting the barbell. "I think all of your limitations are in your mind."

"Okay, I'll give it a shot." I walked over to the barbell, decided that 160 pounds is nothin', and started lifting. I easily did several of them.

"Damn, you are REALLY strong," he said, a little wide-eyed. "This is definitely something you should be doing." I appreciate having my athletic abilities complimented and that I'm not just treated as that fat girl who is trying to lose weight. Ty has not ever mentioned my weight (other than discussing it the one time I brought it up) and he trains me like he would any other athlete. He expects the same level of effort and performance from me as he would from any other athlete. I was unsure about Ty at first, but I see how teases my underlying talents out of me by pushing me to my very limits. I need to have a little more of his "winner" attitude, too. Ty knows what he's good at and isn't afraid to say it. I shouldn't hesitate to acknowledge my talents, either.




Hmmm...I wonder if I could lift Ty over my head? Image from http://blog.chosenmodels.com



I plan on doing MMA training 4 days a week followed by practicing some Olympic lifts 3 days a week. I am surprisingly sore today from the Olympic lifts (good workout sore, not injury sore) even though I didn't do them for long. I've realized how truly taxing they are. I hope to develop better athletic performance as well as spurring some weight loss with the new activity. The additional cardio should help, too.

I thought my goal of getting out the 250s by the end of the year were quashed by my overeating (and, ahem, overdrinking) over the past couple of weeks. I was pleasantly surprised to see a loss of 2 pounds instead of a gain. I 100% expected a gain. Anyways, who am I to argue with the numbers? As much as I try not to focus on the number on the scale, I am always pleased to have a loss, nonetheless an unexpected one.

I like unexpected surprises, and this past week had a few of them. Perhaps being asked, "Where were you?" was the best one. You better believe my butt will be out of bed and at the gym tomorrow. I hope yours is, too.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CANNIE50 12/1/2011 1:02AM

    160!!!!!!! 160!!!!!!!! 160!!!!!!!!! Um, yes, I would say Olympic lifting IS something you should be doing. I read both your blogs, in backwards order, so I was sad to see Ty's gorgeous self, and read about his training and his belief in you, and know that he was booted from the gym. I followed my trainer to his new gym and am very glad I did so, but I can see that might not be an option for you since you have so much going on, and so many strong boys waiting to work out with you at your current place. I always enjoy reading about your fitness exploits. Okay, IronWoman, keep kicking and lifting and lifting and kicking (and it is good you kicked Mr.POS to the curb).

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EMRANA 11/28/2011 12:12PM

  Go Erin! I love reading your blogs already, and totally loved reading about your 160 pound lifts!

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BAZOOKABOBCAT 11/28/2011 8:48AM

    Holy lord. I'd lift 200 if that man asked me to. ha ha ha ha ha.

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HIKINGSD 11/28/2011 4:00AM

    How sweet! That is awesome that they missed you :)

Congrats on your weight loss!

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MORTICIAADDAMS 11/27/2011 11:40PM

    It's really great to have trainers who care about your progress. It certainly beats the jerks most women encounter in the dating world.

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SUNFLOWERSAVAGE 11/27/2011 7:22PM

    Awww...your boys missed you ;) It must be great to be part of a team and know that they count on you.

Have a great week!

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APIRLRAIN888 11/27/2011 7:14PM

    Woohoo u are right u deserve the best and glad u got soeoe to keep u accountable in real life

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CHAOSTHEORY635 11/27/2011 6:51PM

    YAY FOR LIFTING!!! My snatch is atrocious...I have the hardest time learning the O-lifts.

Also? Your trainer is HOT.

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JSALERNO 11/27/2011 5:05PM

    I DON'T EAT TOO MUCH ON THANKSGIVING BUT TURKEY BREAST IS THE CENTER OF MY PLATE. I DON'T LIKE STUFFING SO IT WAS TURKEY, A LITTLE CRANBERRY SAUCE, MASHED POTATOES WITH A TOUCH OF GRAVY.

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MUSICALLYMINDED 11/27/2011 4:57PM

    Good going on the lifting, Erin! It's good to know you have people who will call you out if you don't get to your workouts. And omg your trainer is so freaking hot I would be nervous working out with him! Ah!

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GEMINIAN1 11/27/2011 4:49PM

    Sometimes love comes when people *aren't* lookin'.
I agree with you, that is cool that they asked where you were.
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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VALERIEMAHA 11/27/2011 4:48PM

    What a totally upbeat blog, full of the foibles and joys of our humanity. You deeply inspire me, grrl! Don't forget the value of yoga in terms of your stretching needs.
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Maha

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The Week in Review: Technical Difficulties

Sunday, November 20, 2011


Image from redredwineonasunday.blogspot.com



***POSSIBLE TMI...Yes, this blog mentions sex (no explicit details). Please stop reading if that would offend you.***
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This week...I'm not even sure what the hell happened this week. It was a blur with some crazy situations. I ignored my food intake. I cried at work. I hardly worked out. My whole routine was just way off. I've generally felt apathetic, although I wouldn't say that I have been feeling negative overall. But this week was just...weird. Part of it is the chaos at work, another part was not going to the gym regularly...I've just generally been experiencing technical difficulties. I can't even think of a cohesive way to write a blog about this week, so please bear with me.

So, onto the sex part. I haven't really talked about my dating life (let alone anything about sex) on SparkPeople, partially because my love life is not that interesting for the most part, and then, of course, there is the PG-ness of SparkPeople. I do go on dates here and there, but most of them are not that great. I'll just say that I think that intimacy is an important part of this journey. This can include back massages from friends, hugs from family members, pats on the back, and...well...you know. I believe the best way to be comfortable with ourselves is to allow others to touch us. I am not talking just about sexual intimacy, but in general being comfortable with those who are close to us. However, I think that having a healthy sex life is vital, and this includes alone time and with others. I'll leave it at that.

I had a date on Tuesday with a guy I met online on a dating website. It was a blind date, and it was not a date where there was any intention of...well...you know. I am happy to say that I was not nervous at all. Maybe it's SparkPeople. Maybe it's being around the guys in Muay Thai and Jiu Jitsu. Maybe it's my awesome friends and family. In any case, I don't get nervous about dates any more. I am who I am, and people can either accept that or not. I am not going to put on a show to make myself seem "better" than I am or act fake in any way. I don't put on any kind of front, which may be to my detriment when it comes to dating. Between the MMA, the brashness, the independence...needless to say, I seem to scare the crap out of a lot of guys. For some reason, these factors become end up being their focus, and never mind that I love other types of exercise, gardening, and saving puppies and kittens. I know dating sucks for everyone, especially when you're an introvert who is also crass and frank.

On Tuesday, I was feeling great after my saxophone lesson with Jeff because he complimented me several times (a rarity). I met the guy at a pub near my house. We had great conversation and were having a good time, but neither of us are really drinkers. I asked him if he wanted to come over so we could keep chatting (and that was genuinely what I had in mind). We talked for a couple of hours about everything--music (he's a bassist), cats, family, depression, religion, and then a bit about relationships. Well, we cuddled on the couch watching Conan O'Brien, and then...

There it was, the mention of sex.

Anyways, I had a lot of fun with him, and I thought we had a lot in common. He texted and e-mailed (that he initiated) several times since Tuesday, and asked if I wanted to get together Saturday (yesterday). We made plans for Saturday and he knew I was planning on cooking him dinner. Like a moron, I bought all sorts of special foods (i.e. expensive) to make him dinner. He said several times over the past couple of days that he hadn't been feeling well (although he seemed to feel just fine enough to go out to a concert every night). He bailed on me yesterday morning, saying he "wasn't feeling well" and didn't think he would be up to coming over. Well, I found out later that he placed an ad looking for sex. What do I do when I find this out?

I cried. Like a blubbering baby.

Did I cry because I love the jerk? Because I could foresee some big future with him? Because I felt I knew him well? No. It wasn't any of these. Actually, I'm the one who is usually a little detached from--ahem--physical love and generally don't get overly-emotional about these things. But I don't toy with people. I just don't understand WHY people play games. If he isn't interested, he should just tell me. I know that he owes me no explanation and that my frank approach is the exception and not the norm, but I still find it childish and frustrating.



He may have put on a fake front to fool me (and I bought it), but I won't compromise myself for anyone. EVER.
Image from cartoonstock.com


Anyways, I'm upset. I'm still upset as I write this, but writing makes me feel better (EDIT: I'm almost done writing this entry and I am actually not upset anymore). I let Overly-Emotional Hopeless Romantic Optimist Erin take over, but luckily Rational Healthy-Dose-of-Cynicism Realist Erin was right there to soften the blow. While I would not normally write about most dating or sex things on SparkPeople, both have been a great source of frustration for me. I vacillate between wanting to have a relationship, wanting a lover, or wanting to be left the hell alone; my mind and body can never seem to agree. I think I was just caught in a romantic mood this week, plus he put on a good show of pretending to be someone he's not, and I fell for it. I really don't want advice, I know that this was a situation that I ultimately chose. I am glad that finding a partner does not consume my life, but it seems that I would have to put forth a lot more effort to find someone who is genuine and who deserves me. I am not in any way bashing men (women play games, too), but rather, I need to evaluate the traits that attract me to a person and find out how to filter them better. I'll just throw in there, too, that I also have no regrets.



Overly-Emotional Hopeless Romantic Optimist Erin sez:

Image from kellyjotownsend.blogspot.com.


But Rational Healthy-Dose-of-Cynicism Realist Erin knows the guy is a jerk and sez:

Image from tvrage.com



Enough about love. Love, schmove. Overly-Emotional Hopeless Romantic Optimist Erin and Rational Healthy-Dose-of-Cynicism Realist Erin can work on coming to an agreement. I was almost glad to have the distraction this week from the B.S. at work. I should have everything together to get set up to work from home over the next 2-3 weeks. With winter ready to sink its teeth in, I will be very happy to not have to commute in the dead of Minnesota winter. Besides the commute, I will be physically removed from the toxic environment at my work. (This week it was literally toxic, we almost had a battery in a back-up power unit catch on fire and had to call the fire department, and several of us became ill...but that's another story...). Working from home is the next best thing to having a new job, though. I'll stick it out and see how this goes. I imagine I will be a lot less stressed without being in a noisy call center. There also won't be many opportunities for co-workers to stab me in the back since I won't be there. I hope it makes this job a lot better. There are a couple of co-workers that I will miss seeing, but for the most part, my friends have quit or been fired.

I only went to Muay thai once this week, and luckily it did not bother my ribs. My ribs seem to be completely healed now, and I am going to return to Jiu Jitsu on Monday. If my ribs seem bothered, I'll hold off for a bit longer, but I think it will be okay. So I will be back to doing Jiu Jitsu followed by Muay Thai Monday-Wednesday-Friday and Muay Thai sparring on Saturday. I have missed my classes terribly; I've been very restless without the intense workouts. Of course, I miss seeing the guys at my gym more often, too. They are a great support system.

I'm making some decisions about playing my saxophone. My teacher Jeff thinks I should join a community band. One thing I didn't think about when I started taking lessons was whether I would be able to join a group and make it to rehearsals and performances, given that I work evenings. I am checking out some options in the community.

Whether it be love, my job, playing my saxophone, doing martial arts, or being a friend or family member, I say:


Image from fahrizal-blog.blogspot.com


The technical difficulties are behind me. The emotional ones? Well, those will need some tweaking. This week I aim to return to my regularly scheduled normal routine--the gym, eating well, yoga, lots of saxophone playing, more time with friends. But I'll hold off on love being a part of my routine for the time being.


This week:

Image from igetthatalot.wordpress.com







Thanks for listening!

Image from cheezburger.com

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HIKINGSD 11/28/2011 3:54AM

    You are a strong woman and you deserve happiness.

It's better to find out what kind of person he is now than to find out years later when you have built a family together.

Unfortunetely (but mostly fortunetely) when we meet people we can not see their flaws.

Please do not let one unworthy person stop you from finding or believing in what you desire.

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JITZUROE 11/27/2011 9:50AM

    You ARE worth it. I love how honest you were here. I think that guy was a creep. I am sure we all do, but I also am thankful that he seemed in tuned enough to how original and awesome that you are that he bowed out of your life. Hear me out here. See, he obviously got to know you a bit and saw only a tiny sliver of how amazing and talented you are -in so many areas. you were WAY too good for him. He knew it. And he is a lucky guy since if I was around I would chomp his legs down to little stumps, and then laugh at him. Oooh that sounded mean, sorry. Guess I am a bit protective of beautiful peeps getting hurt.

Do not give up. The guy (you know, as in THE GUY), is out there. Really. I was not looking for my DH, and had noooooooo plans on pursuing anything with him, but it all just kinda happened. And that was a looooooooong time ago (15 years!), and I still love him just as much now as then. Be patient. Keep kicking a** with the MMA, join that community band and be yourself. You are solid gold baby!

Bren

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1HAPPYWOMAN 11/23/2011 12:08AM

    Erin, I just think you're so brave to be yourself and meet people online and go on dates and put yourself out there.... I wish I were as brave as you. Sorry the guy turned out to be a doofus.

Please remember that your honesty and courage and strength make you a dream come true for some lucky fellow out there! I hope you and he find each other soon.
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DARKTHOR 11/22/2011 10:36AM

    I think you have to keep putting yourself out there, despite the jerks who are all too prevalent. I think you are doing a great job at not letting it bother you more than it should. This guy is the one who screwed up, it is probably for the best that he did so now.

I hope working at home is fantastic, enjoy your time away from the drama!

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DDOORN 11/21/2011 3:11PM

    SO sorry to hear about this idiot who couldn't see and appreciate that he had "the real deal" when he was with you and treat you accordingly! His loss!

VERY much appreciate your thoughts about touch and intimacy...absolutely essential to tend to these needs as well. Especially if, as has been the case for me, one has bashed oneself so badly during all these morbidly obese years that touch was avoided at all costs as a horrible reminder of what I had done to myself!

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GEMINIAN1 11/21/2011 11:46AM

    Sorry about your experience with that dude.
I'm glad that you found out "sooner than later"; but, I'm still sorry that it had to happen at all.
Woo-Hoo on your healed ribs.
You are worth it my friend ... :-)
emoticon

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CANNIE50 11/20/2011 9:44PM

    Oh, Erin, is it wrong that I would like to slap the guy and call him names? So very unsparkly of me, I know. I have been (re)married for a long time now, and I am still very attracted to my husband (when he is not annoying the willies out of me) but I very much remember my single and looking days. One thing that helped me was finally acknowledging to myself and others (including those I dated) was that I wanted the love of a good man and I wanted to marry. That was SO hard for me to admit, for some crazy reason. Anyway, I hope that didn't come across as advice, it was more of me just telling you my story whether you wanted to hear it or not emoticon (see how I did that? see how I got around your "no advice" rule? pretty crafty of me, hunh?) I predict that you will join a band, share your talent with the world, and in the course of sharing your music, meet a good man who deserves the amazing woman that is Y O U! emoticon emoticon

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SUNFLOWERSAVAGE 11/20/2011 7:33PM

    emoticonS.E.X. talk on SP...how shocking emoticon
You are a strong woman so I have no doubt at all that you will recover quickly from this...and hey, you did have some fun. It is just too bad he was a lying arsehole.
I know everyone says this...but it happened to me... you will find someone worthy of you when you least expect it.
You are such an awesome, rockin' chick!

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SYZYGY922 11/20/2011 7:22PM

    Sorry the guy turned out to be a jerk. emoticon

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VALERIEMAHA 11/20/2011 5:53PM

    As usual...exceptional writing and deeply perceptive reflections. Men and women are So.Profoundly.Different from one another I sometimes think it's a miracle that any long-term relationships work. All I can say is "Good luck!"


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MORTICIAADDAMS 11/20/2011 3:10PM

    The truth is that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince. I know I did. But I would keep it at that and not go further.

I think it would be great to work at home.

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MUSICALLYMINDED 11/20/2011 2:11PM

    i feel for you. i don't miss the dating scene at all. i used online dating a lot so i know there are so many creeps out there just looking to get laid (and to be honest, for a while that's all i really wanted, too). then i kinda of got sick of the whole online dating thing and realized that 99% of the time casual sex tended to make me feel like i was being used and usually didn't result in a "happy ending" for me anyway...and i've had some self-esteem issues so i was just happy that anyone wanted to have sex with me (at 280 pounds I was amazed that anyone found me attractive enough to want to sleep with me- but that's a whole other story). but anyway, i was about to quit the site and then i got a message from a guy who actually seemed like he wasn't a creep, so i gave it a chance. and now he's my husband. i had to kiss a lot of frogs to find my prince. (that sounds so idiotic, but it is suiting). so i hope you don't give up completely...because you've got to date a ton of creeps before you find a decent "date-able" human. and for you it must be even harder to let someone into your life since you're so independent.

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HEALTHYL1 11/20/2011 12:57PM

    It's good that you wrote this to help sort things out. At least you can move on now and enjoy other things in your life.

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EMRANA 11/20/2011 11:19AM

  I think you'll find the right person in a different place than most do. Since you're so into serious gym work, you may find that he finds you there. Not necessarily in your MMA classes, but I think a great woman like you needs someone who can be her equal in that way. I'm sorry to hear about the jerk, but you're handling it great!

Working in your jammies will be rockin' too.

I love the way you write out all these things and show us an inspiration for working through emotions. Your blogs are wonderful.

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APIRLRAIN888 11/20/2011 10:42AM

    Yoke there are some weird ppl out there! Great attitude by the way

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BECKY3774 11/20/2011 7:02AM

    I'm glad you found an outlet for everything going on in your head this week. I'm glad to 'listen' anytime you need to talk. Enjoy your regularly scheduled programming next week emoticon

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MFTAGGFREEZE 11/20/2011 4:29AM

    Wow, you said alot. It was a pleasure reading though.

Sometimes we forget that there is a life outside of working out and trying to stay fit.

You have your priorities right. If it comes it comes if not, it'll come later.

Besides, once it comes, you'll miss these days.

Have a great rest of the day.... Jeez it's early.

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The Week in Review: It only hurts when I scream.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Yeah, I know, the title may be misleading, but this week was a great improvement compared to the previous couple of weeks. My attitude was on the fritz, I've been overeating, I haven't been able to do intense exercise and because of my ribs, it really hurt to scream. Maybe it was good that it hurt to scream--I had to find other ways to handle my frustrations. I tried watching funny videos to cheer myself up, but it hurt to laugh, too.

My saxophone teacher Jeff was poking fun at my gloomy attitude this week when I expressed frustration with my playing. "Well, walking is too hard, I guess I'll keep crawling. But hey, crawling is too hard, too." At least it got a giggle out of me. I think I am finally becoming more tolerant of the learning process of playing a musical instrument. Moreover, I think playing has revealed how self-conscious I really am, about everything, and with Jeff's help, I'm learning that being self-conscious is not necessary. I am learning to be more accepting of mistakes, and if I mess up, I can just take it from the top right away. I'm not sure if playing my sax has made me less self-conscious, or if I have become less self-conscious in general, thus more comfortable with my playing. Either way, I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin despite a stressful couple of weeks. As a matter of fact, the past couple of weeks of work stress and having an injury have truly revealed my perseverance. I have been far from perfect with my eating and wasn't able to do intense exercise, but I didn't disappear. I went through the motions the best I could if that was necessary. I had a "Screw it" attitude, but towards the people who are causing me stress, not towards myself. Yes, crawling is hard at first, as is walking, but it is worth it to keep on taking those steps, even when they are painful.

Although my rib injury was a bummer, my greatest irritation over the past couple of weeks has been my job. I have yet to hear back from the other company, but in the meantime, there is hope for my current job. For starters, I am going to tell my boss (not my immediate "supervisor") that I think that a final warning write-up is extreme for the "problems" that were brought to their attention, which included occasionally making fun of rude callers. If we are making fun of a jerk caller, it is usually banter between co-workers, so I am far from the only one who engages in doing that. It was written that making fun of callers is "rude to my co-workers." And then, of course, there was one of the newer staff members who tattled on me for warning her that she could get written up over petty crap. I also think that it would be extreme to fire an excellent staff member like myself over something so trivial. My "supervisor" also talked to at least 2 other staff members about me (the 2 who told me about it), asking if they had a problem with me. I think it is unconscionable that my "supervisor" went on a fishing exhibition to try to get people to trash me. Fortunately, my boss sees the value in having me as an employee and is going to allow me to work remotely from home. I am very excited for this opportunity. I believe that it will solve the problems that I have at this job because I won't be in the physical presence of the backstabbers. I need to put together enough cash to get a new computer, but I think I will be able to pull it off over the next few weeks. However, if I do hear back from the other company, I will still see what they have to offer. I think my current employer will see how much I really do when I'm there once I'm not there, such as advising other people on their cases. In any case, I can't wait for the day I can finish a workout, shower quickly, put on some pajamas, and pad over to my computer to work. I have been waiting for a while for this.

My ribs, which I injured a couple of weeks ago in Muay Thai, don't hurt very much any more. I have very mild discomfort with coughing or sneezing, but it seems much better. I did a strength training workout yesterday and that was fine. I know it was wise to take a couple of weeks off of intense exercise to let the injury heal, and I'm glad it seems to have resolved quickly. I am going to go to Muay Thai tomorrow for the first time in 2 weeks. I have felt like an absolute slug with not being able to go to MMA training over the past couple of weeks. I still have some bruises, so I know I haven't been away for very long, but I was very used to my routine. I will hold off on Jiu Jitsu, which is much more rough than Muay Thai, for a couple more weeks. I'm looking forward to getting back to my routine, plus I have missed my boys at the gym.

My eating has been--what's the word?--atrocious. Okay, that might be a little bit of an exaggeration. I had a big binge earlier in the week, but have otherwise been eating okay foods, just too much. I have been craving carbs in a terrible way, and I know that's just stress screaming out. I am going to make an honest effort this week to track accurately and actually follow that plan without going over my calories each day. I also batch cooked this week for the first time in a while and made a big pot of pinto bean, corn, and tofu chili. That has been a delicious dinner with a warm French roll. I have some other recipes pulled up and when I can shop later this week, I'm going to do some more batch cooking. I plan on making Tofu Fried Rice, Chickpeas and Dumplings, and Curried Lentils with Caramelized Onions. I am so much more likely to stay on track if I prepare really satisfying warm meals than I do if I come home and scrounge for whatever is handy.

I'm glad that it no longer hurts to scream, although now I don't feel the need. Fortunately, my positive attitude has been mostly restored, and it no longer hurts to laugh. This song by comedian Jon Lajoie pretty much sums up my attitude over the past couple of weeks--at least it has provided plenty of giggles over the past few weeks when I've needed it. ***WARNING: lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots (LOTS) of F-bombs***:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulIOrQasR18

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JITZUROE 11/16/2011 12:16PM

    Woah- chickpeas and dumplings???? Sorry, I really meant to start off with a comment on your blog but I am stuck on the chickpeas thing. Is it veggie? Is it gluten free or perhaps something I can make gluten free? I am already drooling!

Ok back to my comment. Your poor ribs!!! I have dislocated a rib before and it stinks! You want to laugh but can only smile. And coughing is murder (so don't get sick!). Ribs just plain take time. No doubt that the obnoxious eating had a lot to do with feeling outta control about the injury and how it is dictating your life right now - and stealing your sax time and workouts.

I hope the job thing works out. Gosh, you really need someone to throw you z none here,right??? : ))) I'll scream for you today, since that might hurt for you to go too!
Bren


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KKINNEA 11/14/2011 12:50PM

    Sounds like things are looking up and you will get your eating back on track.

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MORTICIAADDAMS 11/14/2011 12:02PM

    I'm glad to see your ribs doing better. Hopefully the work situation will resolve soon. I think it would be cool to work at home.

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ARCHIMEDESII 11/14/2011 10:31AM

    wow... you certainly do have problems with petty co-workers. I suppose I'm not surprized by this sort of behavior. I've seen it before. Some people are looking to "edge" out their competition. They get rid of you and they think they'll get more money once you're gone. wrong. they get rid of you and they're looking at more work !!

I'm glad that your boss sees your value and is allowing you to work from home. Now, you don't have to pay an arm and a leg for a new computer. Consider buying a refurbished model. I don't know if you have a company called Microcenter near you, but Microcenter has some really great deals on refurbished computers. Our company bought TEN HP refurbished desktops for $250 each ! and they came with a printer ! Okay, they aren't Apples, but as long as you aren't running high end software that requires a lot of memory, a refurbished HP, Dell, IBM, etc... may serve your purposes. They've also had eMachines for $199 each in past.

go here for more info.

http://www.microcenter.com/


Oh and you really are a Renaissance woman, aren't you ? Mu Thai boxing AND you play sax !! phew...


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SMILINGTREE 11/14/2011 9:38AM

    I love, absolutely love, working from home. (it might have more to do with working for MYSELF, than working from home, I don't know.) I tell people that I am "master of my own schedule" and just knowing that makes a big difference in how I feel about work.



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SUNFLOWERSAVAGE 11/14/2011 2:12AM

    I'm glad you will be able to go back to Muay Thai. I'm sure it will help you get back on track.
Once you are working from home you will be less stressed and your co-workers can go Chainsaw themselves ;P

BTW...wish I had seen this video yesterday ;)

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JSPEED4 11/14/2011 2:10AM

    Well, as long as names aren't named, talking--even laughing--about some tense situations at work is what co-workers are for--to a great extent!

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CANNIE50 11/13/2011 11:53PM

    I am glad you are healing and I am really glad there is relief in sight for your atrocious (thanks for reminding me, I love that word) working environment. I am also glad to hear you are feeling more comfortable in your own skin. You have every reason to be comfortable inside your strong, kind, brilliant self. Shoot, you shouldn't just be comfortable, you should be reveling!

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JILLYBEAN25 11/13/2011 11:50PM

    Chainsaw that job and those backstabbers! Chainsaw!! I hope things pan out the way they should, and I hope you have a great time at Muay Thai.

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GEMINIAN1 11/13/2011 6:55PM

    emoticonworking from home emoticon
No extra of this ... emoticon
I recommend computer shopping on-line.
Black-Friday is on Friday; I'm sure you can get a killer, killer deal.

I'm glad to hear that your ribs are doing better.
I was worried about you.

When I cook, I love to cook big.
Unless it's just like a hamburger or something.
You know what I mean. Anyway.
Who gives a ....
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MEWHENRYSMAMA 11/13/2011 5:55PM

    I UNDERSTAND YOUR PAIN HAVING HAD CRACKED RIBS...AND IT TAKES TIME FOR THEM TO MEND. TAKE IT EASY AND PLAY IT SAFE. I THINK YOUR EATING WILL BE FINE AS SOON AS YOU ARE BACK TO YOUR KNOWN "NORMAL" ROUTINE! I THINK THE BATCH COOKING IS A FANTASTIC IDEA, AND MAKES IT SO EASY TO HAVE A DECENT MEAL MANY TIMES, WITH ONLY A ONE TIME COOKING EVENT. YOU ARE TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF, AND THAT IS WHAT IS IMPORTANT. I HOPE YOU GET THE BEST OUTCOME WITH YOUR JOB!
GOOD LUCK!
MARY
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MUSICALLYMINDED 11/13/2011 5:21PM

    My eating has been atrocious as well. Let's commit to better eating this week! I know that's my goal.

I hope you get back into your routine and your rib pain goes away soon.

Have a great week! emoticon

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The Week in Review: A Good Ribbing

Sunday, November 06, 2011

My first week of November didn't start out the smoothest, starting with a couple of blows to my confidence. Part of it was my fault, part of it was beyond my control. The good news is, I now know the difference (usually) between when I am the one messing up and when life is messing with me. I used to slam myself for every misstep, berating every mistake. I punished myself with food, although I called it comfort at the time. I have gone from having the attitude of, "Lose weight, you disgusting jerk," to "Live healthfully because you deserve a full life." The latter attitude was challenged this week, though, and I binged twice later in the week. Actually, yesterday ended up being a whole day of overeating. I guess the upside was that it was social overeating and not me hiding in my house stuffing myself, but still...not happy about it. However, I looked through my blogs to see the last time I had a couple of days of eating like that was in the beginning of September. At least the frequency of that pattern of overeating has decreased significantly.

I also had my annual check-up this week with a new doctor. I had seen her once before for an office visit and thought she was awesome, so she is going to be my primary doctor now. She commended my 45 pound weight loss, and for doing it in a healthy manner. I have to say, although I am not doing this for anyone else, it is nice to be commended by a health care provider. They should be more pleased than anyone about weight loss. I also liked her because while she acknowledged that I am obese (although officially no longer morbidly obese, as she pointed out), she knows that overall I am pretty healthy. If I had to find a positive aspect to the week, it would have been my check-up when I was commended for my healthy lifestyle.

I had gotten injured in Muay Thai on Monday, so I got myself psyched up for Jiu Jitsu and Muay Thai on Wednesday. The moment we started our warm-up in Jiu Jitsu, I knew I was going to have problems. I was very klutzy on Monday, and while I was doing a take-down, my ribcage landed on my partner's knee. It only hurt temporarily and didn't seem like it would be any worse than the typical hit I would take, so I got back up and kept going. It wasn't until I started moving around on Wednesday that it really bothered me. I focused a lot on guarding my ribs, and therefore I sucked even more than usual at Jiu Jitsu. I made it through both Jiu Jitsu and Muay Thai (luckily Eric gave us an easier circuit workout--I wasn't the only one sore that day) and then iced my ribs. As much as I didn't want to miss training, I acknowledged that I had to let this heal. I figured it would be better within a few days.

On Monday, I should have told Eric that I didn't think I could do the Muay Boran moves he was showing us. I should have asked to do something else so that I didn't get injured. I was too stubborn, though, and tried the moves anyways. I took it easy on the exercise after Wednesday, but it didn't seem to matter--my rib pain has actually gotten much worse. I can't lay on my left side and a lot of upper body movements hurt. It hurts to cough, sneeze, and laugh. Now I'm pretty sure I actually have a fracture. Apparently bruised ribs can be very painful, too. Either way, I think I'm out of my MMA training for at least a month while allowing this to heal. And yes, I am aware of the complications that can occur with a broken rib and am going to have my mother (E.R. nurse) take a look to be on the safe side. It does not actually hurt to breathe and I can still move freely until I torque my torso the wrong way. Since the only treatment for either a bruised or broken rib is rest, there isn't much point in rushing in for an x-ray.

I have also been considering stopping my saxophone lessons. It isn't that I don't want to play, I just feel like I'm not advancing as I "should" be. My saxophone teacher Jeff is a very intense person, which is part of the reason he has been such a force of change. I admit to feeling a little intimidated by his manner, although he is a gentle person. On Tuesday, as I fumbled through my pieces, I could see disappointment in his face. All I could say to myself was, "Don't cry...don't...cry." I left vowing to practice more this week.

I don't think I am going to quit; I know I'm probably just being harsh on myself. I have practiced, and some days I sound good, and others I sound like crap. Today I started crying from frustration. But I had to ask myself, is it really the saxophone, or something else? On Thursday I got talked to at my work about my conduct, as I blogged about on that day. I hate my job. Hate. It. I'm bored, I'm tired of the B.S. and the unreliable/undependable hours. After my "supervisor" called me and asked for me to come in early, I practiced my saxophone. I was elated at the thought of being fired. My playing was light and airy, playful and easy. I realized that it isn't my saxophone, it's me. It's my job. How can I make music that sounds soulful when my soul feels oppressed by my job? It isn't my saxophone that is making fumbling, stuffy, non-musical sounds, it's my emotions.

I have realized several things about my job:


1) I will never advance at my company because I won't play their games, kiss ass, or tattle on co-workers for petty things.

2) My co-workers will treat me more and more like an outcast due to the factors listed above and I will continue to be bullied, with no recourse from managers.

3) I am probably going to get fired eventually due to the above 2 reasons.


For the first time ever, I cried just by thinking about having to go to work. I really wanted to walk in on Thursday and get some sort of final warning, which is always followed by a prompt firing at my work. Nope, it was just more B.S. to put in my record so they don't feel the need to give me decent raises. I am tearing up right now thinking about working today. I hadn't realized until this week how much my toxic (pun intended) job is affecting my very being. It makes me feel as though I don't have any control over my life. Part of me feels like just when everything starts to fall into place and starts going really well, something happens in an instant to conspire to change things. A tiny misstep has taken me out of my martial arts training for weeks, and I am deeply disappointed. I know that ultimately that only I can sabotage myself. But I've also finally deeply acknowledged that my life can't truly fall into place while I am in my current job, because it is too draining. I have applied for another job with our direct competitor which would have several advantages, including being closer to my house. If nothing else, it would be a fresh start.

This week had a series of missteps that have changed my directions in a few ways, some for the better and some for the worse. I am going to try to watch my step a little more closely from now on. Perhaps the missteps don't take me where I had planned to go, but are meant to steer me in another direction towards where I want to be.





“When obstacles arise, you change your direction to reach your goal; you do not change your decision to get there.”
¯ Zig Ziglar

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GEMINIAN1 11/12/2011 9:05PM

    I hope that you're ribs are feeling better and better every day.
I've never had anything happen to my ribs; but, man, that has got to stink. I can't imagine.
Does it hurt to breath?
I feel for you big time.
Wait a second, I just realized, this Blog was 6 days ago!
Are you healed?

Office Politics are the worst.
Although I can't relate to the rib pain, I so *can* relate to Office Drama.
I really hope that something changes in that area of your life.
If it's a new job, or a change at your current one.
Somethings got to give.

"Part of me feels like just when everything starts to fall into place and starts going really well, something happens in an instant to conspire to change things."
I know what you mean. Why does it work like that?!?!

My thoughts are with you Erin and I *really* hope that you're doing good.
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MEWHENRYSMAMA 11/8/2011 12:28AM

    You do an amazing job at looking at yourself and your life with objectivity and insight. It is really commendable! I so hope you get a new job and have a fresh start and less stressful work environment. I remember to well being in a situation that caused me tears and it clouds ones entire life! Take care, my friend, you are doing a great job of attaining a healthy lifestyle!
Mary
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EMRANA 11/7/2011 8:52PM

  emoticon

I'm so sorry you're going through this work stuff ~ but you know what, you're worth way more than accepting being fired for political BS. You submitted that other resume and I know you're currently pondering working at home, but whatever happens, you're worth being able to have a good environment without the negativity of being fired.

Take care of your physical injuries too. Come here when you need to vent ~ we love you!

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MUSICALLYMINDED 11/7/2011 8:38PM

    Good luck with future prospects. You already read my comment on your previous post about looking for another job... use that time usually spent in martial arts classes scoping out a new job!

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CANNIE50 11/7/2011 7:51PM

    Oh, Erin, I am sorry to hear life is "suckish" right now. Okay, life in general is not, just a couple great big areas of your life. I just noticed your status that they offered to let you work from home. I am wondering if you have heard back from the competitor? Either way, you certainly sound clear that things cannot continue in the status quo. You deserve SO much better. I will look forward to reading your next blog and hearing about which direction you will be taking. PS Thank you for the goodie - I appreciate your kindness. I have to say, I feel like I am on the upswing. Food & mood continue to be a bit of a struggle but not so difficult as last week. I am backing off a little bit on exercise, but doing something every single day. A friend came over today, with her beautiful baby, and we went for a hike and then she helped me clean my house (we take turns at each other's houses every week, it's great), and I got to cuddle the baby. Amazing how much each of those things lifted my spirits. I am hoping your spirits get lifted by many things, very soon.

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CRABADA 11/7/2011 2:29PM

    One of my favorite quotes is, "At the moment of commitment, the universe conspires to assist you." (It's a paraphrase of Goethe.) Sometimes you just have to commit to a change and trust that the universe will help everything fall into place.

I have been in your situation with work - wanting to call in sick literally every day, feeling a weight on my shoulders that never let up. When I finally decided that I was going to leave, my whole outlook changed and things were bearable.

As for your exercise program, are there things you can do that won't further injure your rib? Workouts you can do at your gym that don't include contact with the other people in your classes? I bring it up only because it's so obvious you love it there, and removing that place and those people from your life for a month of healing time may be too isolating. Especially when work isn't a social outlet. Just something to think about.

Hang in there!
:) Courtney

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FRAN0426 11/7/2011 12:50PM

    Looking for another job sounds like the answer, glad your doing so with out quiting the job you have---it still brings in the money for living. As for the saxaphone, definately cobtinue if it gives you and outlet for you to enjoy---just maybe slow down a bit if the prsent job is making it tougher to play it well. Now for the injury, take this as a warning that not everything others want us to try is best for us, chalk it up to expereance, and in the future only do what you know your body lets you do, if you think it is an accident waiting to happen---refrain, after all your the one paying for the lessons, be kind to your body.

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DDOORN 11/7/2011 12:05PM

    SO sorry to hear about the work situation...! Petty stuff like this should not drive good employees away...and management OUGHT to take a hard look at this, but most times they don't.

Hang in there, keep your eyes / ears open for opportunities to Vote With Your Feet...! Good book to re-evaluate your career: What Color is Your Parachute, Richard Bolles.

Don

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BECKY3774 11/7/2011 6:30AM

    About work....I feel for you. That is EXACTLY what happened with my last job before I went back to being a nanny. I got written up because of other tattlers, which only meant no raise for me. The funny thing is that I did my job better and worked way harder than the person that did the tattling. So in the end they were left with her. I'd like to think that they realized their mistake, but really, their loss was MY gain. I have a job now that supports me better and where I get more freedom to be MYSELF. I wish that for you.

As for the saxophone, never quit doing what you love. If you take away all that you love, you're left with nothing. You are worth more than that. Rest up those ribs and get yourself back emoticon

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1HAPPYWOMAN 11/7/2011 1:44AM

    So sorry you're hurting, darling Erin.

It sounds like you're on the cusp of some really big changes -- usually a tense and even painful place to be, but ultimately very liberating. Thanks for yet another beautifully written blog. I love reading about your life and your insights, even though my heart aches for you during this tough time....

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SUNSCREENISGOOD 11/7/2011 12:41AM

    I know what it's like to be so upset to go into work because of a coworker. I used to cry on my walk there. I'd call my parents to talk about it before I walked in the door. I was truly miserable. It wasn't the job, it was the environment. I agree that you don't want to tattle on people.

I'm so glad to hear that you are exploring other employment options. It seems like the best choice. Let's be honest, most people spend more time at work than they do at home. So, you have to (at the minimum) not dread walking in the door. I know that jobs are hard to come by and money is a huge factor.

You are educated and (from what I've learned about you on SP) you are a great person. I'm also in the situation of looking for a job; and I know how frustrating it can be. I do like the website thingamajob.com. It's a little different than the typical career builder or monster websites. It's worth looking into.

Best wishes with everything! I'm sure it will all work out in the end! Keep your head up!


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APIRLRAIN888 11/6/2011 11:31PM

    Hugs ;) don't quit saxophone sometimes we are just hard on ourselves my DD cries on the piano every day! But she is improving like crazy and I don't force her

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