Tuesday, October 04, 2011
"If you feel you are down on your luck, check the level of your effort."
September was a very "Eh" month all around. It wasn't awful, but definitely not a month that I look back on and harbor super fond memories. I didn't lose any weight, but that was mostly on purpose. My birthday on September 11th was anticlimactic, with it being the 10th anniversary of my family member's death, and being ditched by my friend to boot. My friend never apologized, and she never called me back, so I haven't talked to her. I didn't go to kickboxing much--I mainly went when my brother was there, as I knew I had a partner who wouldn't be a jerk. I did stick with my strength training plan (Cathe Friedrich's Shock Training System) and am finished with the hypertrophy phase (except for one last pesky back and biceps workout that I can't seem to squeeze in this week). Overall, the month of September was "Blah", until the end of the month when I wasn't there for a friend, and I realized how much I've let my body fat control my brain. I did my best to give 100%, but in retrospect I could have done better.
October is going to be different. For one, I am done with my muscle building phase, so now it's time for some hard-core strength building and mad cardio. I am at a new boxing gym (more on that later), and I love it so far. I feel refreshed and balanced, and ready to BRING IT. My eating has been right on most of the time. I've stayed out of the candy drawer at work for at least the past 3 weeks, which is really hard to do when things get stressful at work. Now it's no big deal and I am used to not automatically reaching in there. My goal is to stay out of the candy drawer until at least Halloween, but I think I will make it a permanent habit. Staying out of the candy drawer probably saves me anywhere from 200-700 calories a day. That's a lot of pounds that are going to go bye bye.
Anyways, I digress. The end of September ended up being a bit of an epiphany. I learned that I am seriously holding back, and I already thought that I was being pretty open. With you, my SparkFriends, I am. But in real life, I have been trying to hide behind a facade of fat every chance that I get. It took someone who is creepily good at reading me to set off the light bulb. I've talked about my saxophone teacher Jeff a bit, and that's because he is unlike most other teachers, or people, I've known. He kind of freaks me out. I'm pretty good at reading people, and I'm also an introvert and try to keep quiet and keep to myself. Well, instead, I'm stuck in a room alone with someone who has been able to trick me into changing my thinking and who can read who I am as an entire being just by hearing me play.
Last week at my lesson, he told me to play a piece I had been working on. I played the piece, doing my best to not worry too much about messing up, while still trying to make it sound like a song. After I was finished playing the piece, he said, "Well, that wasn't bad. But you need to open up more. You were only about 75% 'you' when you were playing that."
I know I blushed immediately. Most people who have spent a lot of time with me in person wouldn't know me well enough to say something like that, because of the efforts I make to keep people at bay. I am not used to people who can tell that I'm holding back, let alone calling me out on it. I was actually a little speechless. "Okay, try it again, but more open this time...just play."
I'm not normally prone to opening up on command, but I played the last part of the song like he said, and each note was loud, clear, and had a life of its own. He smiled, "Much better!" I have tried to keep that tone while practicing this week, and I've tried to call myself out when I'm not being 100% me. I have tried to catch myself when I'm holding back and figure out why.
My "Reality Check" blog was written 2 days after my lesson with Jeff--he just has a way of planting seeds in my head. This week I realized how much I've held back because I am self-conscious about my body size. A childhood friend had a kickboxing fight, and I didn't go because I didn't want to run into my old Muay Thai coach. I was embarrassed for him to see me this overweight. I regretted that I didn't go and have been kicking myself all week (figuratively). To remedy this, I decided that enough was enough and I was going to pursue a new gym with new trainers, which also meant I would see people who I used to train with my old coach, Kru Mike.
I blogged earlier this week about my current kickboxing gym, and how I've kind of had it with the catty high school gym style clique behavior. When I'm there, I am 0% me. Sure, I usually get in a good workout, but I dreaded going because of the people. I really do like my trainers there, but my experiences there were marred by the behavior of other members. I have had fun kickboxing with my brother, but we are only able to attend together once a week. I will still try to go when he goes.
I went to a class at a new gym last Friday. Wow, what a difference. There was no avoidance of eye contact, sneering, or eye-rolling from other members. Actually, other members--*gasp!*--talked to me. I had never set foot in that gym before, but I was not treated like an outsider. I was not treated like a fat chick. I was treated like someone who was there for martial arts training, and I've gotten in a couple of great workouts. My new Muay Thai coach Eric and I used to train with Kru Mike, and it's been awesome to return to the traditional martial arts training, with the respect and discipline as well. I will be doing boxing, too, and have met my new coach, but I haven't trained with him yet. I am planning to do a fairly intense schedule there: back-to-back Muay Thai and boxing on Mondays and Wednesdays (2 hours each day) and Muay Thai of Fridays and Saturdays (1 hour each).
My new Muay Thai coach Eric. He's the taller guy. Image from nextlevelcombat.com
My boxing coach Ty. He's a model--I thought about posting one of his underwear ads, but my blog would probably get flagged. Image from malemodelscene.net
I would like to think that I am giving 100% most of the time. When I falter, and decide to give less at any given moment, the guilt sets in. But the definition of 100% varies from day-to-day. Maybe one day sitting in front of the T.V. and giving my body some rest is 100%. Other days, maybe I decide to do something other than working out, when I know damn well I could be working out. For the most part, I feel like I can tell the difference. Part of being 100% is knowing the difference between giving 100% and giving in.
I need to fully accept that my body size does not define me. There is no single thing that defines me as a whole person. At any given moment, I am 100% me, at any weight, in any mood, in every state of being. I am learning more and more that this is excellent. I think October is going to be a great month.
"I've got a theory that if you give 100 percent all of the time, somehow things will work out in the end."
Tuesday, October 04, 2011
My good SparkPal MUSICALLYMINDED wrote a great blog about facing our fears. Tracy has really stood in the face of challenges and plunged in head on. I really admire how she can acknowledge a challenge or fear, yet is able to forge ahead. I have enjoyed seeing her change over the past several months since being her SparkFriend, and this blog shows one of the many reasons why she has been so successful.
Here is a snippet:
"Sometimes we learn the most when we feel the worst about ourselves. If I'm never going outside of my comfort zone, then I'm never going to be most fit person I can be. I'm not going to reach that next level of fitness by hanging around other overweight people, being a couch potato...because that's what's comfortable. I've got to make myself UNcomfortable to get to that next level."
Here is the blog:
Sunday, October 02, 2011
"The only thing that overcomes hard luck is hard work."
My brother John running Twin Cities Marathon, October 2nd, 2011--he is in the green tank top.
Today was Twin Cities Marathon. It was a perfect day for my brother to run, and I'm glad the weather was perfect, because today he ran his 6th and last marathon. My brother has bone tumors covering most of his body and has already battled bone cancer at the age of 30. Despite the pain, occasional paralysis, and the naysayers, he ran. Because all the cards were stacked against him, he ran. Despite doctors telling him it was physically impossible for him to run, he ran. Despite the risk that he may have a spontaneous bone fracture in his leg, he ran.
My brother has been coming to kickboxing with me, and that has been a good bonding experience for us. We've finally been having real conversations for the first time in our adult lives. At kickboxing a few weeks ago, John told me that Twin Cities Marathon would be his last marathon. He told me this with defeat in his eyes. Because my brother doesn't like the slightest hint of pity, I just nodded and said, "Okay," and then we continued kicking and punching. I know it was huge for him to come to terms with this decision and to say it out loud.
He ran his last marathon today without hitting a wall and finished in 3:43:43. I am extremely proud of him, both for the race and for accepting a limit within himself.
Here is my blog entry "Intentional Passion, Unintentional Inspiration" that explains more about my brother's situation, and his unwitting inspiration:
"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."
-M. Kathleen Casey
Friday, September 30, 2011
"For each individual, sport is a possible source for inner improvement."
-Pierre de Coubertin
Most sports have a pre-season during which athletes prepare their bodies for the tough task of their sport. Then there is "peak" training during the on-season. Many athletes try to maintain their "peak" throughout the season, although this is a physically unrealistic goal. A "peak" can only be maintained for a few weeks, after which the body will revert slightly and then maintain. Then athletes can let loose a little bit during the off-season. This doesn't mean they go to town and totally decondition themselves, but they lay off the really strict workout schedule and get a little more laid back about their diets. Most conditioned athletes focus on maintaining their weight within a few pounds, despite cycling through varying levels of activity.
My sport is kickboxing, and although there is not a particular season, kickboxers train harder at some times more than others. I go through phases where I focus intensely on technique and may not be focusing so much on endurance. At other times, I try to build my aerobic conditioning. Kickboxing is considered an anaerobic activity, in that there are 2-3 minute bursts of powerful activity, followed by a short rest, so kickboxers build power through drills and strength training. My training program is always varied, and workouts and even my diet will be different based on the particular goals I am trying to reach.
I have taken this idea of "cycling" from athletic training to my approach to weight loss. Rather than viewing weight loss as a single phase, I view it merely as a part of athletic training. I will have "peak training" phases, and I have "off-season" phases. I know I gained weight due to extreme behavior, so it is natural to transfer this all-or-none thinking to weight loss. I find the thought of losing over 100 pounds while being perfect all of the time to be impossible, unrealistic, and well, no fun. I have approached weight loss with "peak" and "off-peak" training, although it had taken a long time to find that balance.
I approach weight loss like a sport. Just like training for anything else, we can't peak all of the time. People who are losing weight seem to expect consistently high performance levels more than a lot of high-level athletes that I know. For some reason, those of us seeking to lose weight expect that we should be able to work out heavily and eat perfectly all the time. If we are perfect all of the time, our weight loss will be consistent and linear. I'm sure most of us have experienced that this is not the case, and the process becomes disheartening. It is also mentally taxing to constantly be in major weight loss mode. I am trying to minimize the guesswork, surprises, and mental anguish by creating plateaus myself, cycled around various fitness training goals.
I have several reasons for purposefully "cycling" my weight loss. Most people focus on "weight loss" first, and then on trying to "tone" muscles. I believe that building muscle mass first (yes, the dreaded "bulking up") helps prevent sagging skin and prepares the body to maintain weight. Weight cannot be maintained if we have the same metabolism we had when we were overweight. I have taken the past 2 months to build some major muscle mass, while primarily maintaining my body weight. Why the heck would anybody purposely bulk up? Granted, I am kind of my own experiment here, I think I'm better off building a bunch of muscle mass now to support fat loss. The body can't support a lot of weight loss while simultaneously building muscle, so I chose to focus on building muscle mass for a while. I can now feel rock-hard muscles in my arms, but of course, they are covered with a lot of fat. I have also been able to do more strength training with my legs and can see some nice muscle cuts coming out (albeit, again, covered with fat); I plan on returning to heavy lower body strength training and feel my knee can handle it. Interestingly, my measurements did not change over the last 2 months, but clothes fit better. I guess the change in my body shape and the changes in the muscles made a difference. I will do a few months of working on fat loss, and then return to maintaining for a couple of months while building up muscle mass again. I am working on a blog about muscle hypertrophy and will try to post in the next couple of weeks.
My line of thinking and long-held suspicion about "traditional" weight loss rules and metabolic flexibility is now finally backed up by some science. We see it all over SparkPeople all the time, "I'm eating like I should, I'm exercising, the scale isn't budging!" The old "3,500 calorie deficit=1 pound loss" line of thinking appears to be fairly flawed. I eat towards the high end of my calorie range, if not slightly above it, and I have either been having small losses or maintaining throughout this muscle-building process. I actually try to err of the side of overeating (not binging, though), because my muscles are better off dealing with a little extra fuel rather than not having enough fuel to recover. In any case, when I am in "weight loss mode," I eat towards the very high end of my calorie range, if not a little more, while burning about 5,000 calories a week through training and activity. If I ate too little while ripping up my muscles with kickboxing and weight lifting, my metabolism would slow down due to loss of muscle mass combined with inadequate nutrients for muscle recovery.
In any case, here is the article about the outdated "3,500 calorie deficit" rule (I realized I posted it to the second page of the article in my blog post last week):
Overall, these "purposeful plateaus" are intended to increase my metabolic flexibility, and while the process may take a bit longer, I think my weight loss will be healthier because I am avoiding losing a lot of muscle mass. Weight loss tends to slow down as people lose weight because they lose muscle mass, which causes the metabolism to be sluggish. Inefficiency in metabolizing fuel sources (carbs, fat, or glycogen stores) leads to metabolic inflexibility. Increased metabolic inflexibility leads to increased inflammation in the body, and when coupled with a loss in muscle mass, weight loss becomes very frustrating. Here is the blog I wrote a while ago talking about metabolic flexibility:
Well, my plateau is over, and I am about to bring it hard core with the fat loss. I am starting at a new kickboxing gym today, and I will be able to attend Muay Thai (Thai kickboxing) training 3-4 days per week, not just 1 day. It will be intense, but nothing got me into shape faster.
Fifty pounds down is not that far out of my reach--I just need to bring it. This is my season.
"Sports do not build character. They reveal it."
Thursday, September 29, 2011
***WARNING: A couple o' swear words used in satirical fashion in this blog.***
"The road to Easy Street goes through the sewer."
I have a confession. I know I often come across as being very self-confident, and for the most part, I really am. But the sport of kickboxing brings out the self-conscious schoolgirl in me. I have been a kickboxer for almost 7 years, with a primary focus of Muay Thai (Thai Boxing). I blogged about my somewhat negative experiences at my current gym a while ago ( www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_jo
urnal_individual.asp?blog_id=4286111 ). At that point I was considering contacting my old coach, Kru Mike, to see if I could come back and train with him. So why didn't I call Kru Mike? Was it because I didn't know where he was? Was it because I couldn't get to his gym? Was there some actual barrier to picking up the phone and calling him?
The reason was simple, and I acknowledged it then as I am acknowledging it now: I was embarrassed to show up at my current weight. I was in the best shape of my life when I was training with Kru Mike, doing Muay Thai 3-4 days a week. I can't remember how much I weighed when I had started training with him, but it was less than I am now. But I had fun, and I shaped up fast. Kru Mike was one of those teachers who changed me as an entire person, and I still value the lessons I learned from him. There was great camaraderie amongst our small team, and we were governed by the rules of conduct in Muay Thai: respect and discipline.
I nearly reached my goal weight by doing Muay Thai, and then got injured by doing triathlon training on top of it. I stopped Muay Thai training at that point (about 5 years ago) with the intention of returning to training with Kru Mike at his new gym. But 4 years ago, I wasn't sure where he was, so I ended up going to my current kickboxing gym, where I am fairly unhappy. I love my instructors, but the disrespect from other members is palpable. I have realized more and more that I dread going to class, not because I don't feel like working out, but because of treatment from other members. Other members avoid eye contact or talking with anyone who is not in their clique (and this includes me, despite the fact that I have been a consistent member for 4 years). I almost always feel like other members feel like they are getting "stuck" with me as a partner, and have even seen eye-rolling. Sometimes I luck out and get one of the fight team members as a partner, and they make for a great, no B.S. workout. Unfortunately, these partners are few and far between. Fellow students have also tried to coach me, which is considered to be exceptionally rude to the instructor unless they have requested that you help a fellow student. Despite training there for 4 years, I am treated like an outsider. Since I had learned the basic tenets of Muay Thai, I am appalled that members behave this way. The ruder these people get, the more I have longed to return to training with Kru Mike.
I did run into Kru Mike at an event about a year and a half ago, and I don't know if he cared about my weight gain when he saw me then; of course he hadn't said anything about it. Seeing him in person made me miss him terribly, and I decided that I would stick it out at my current gym until I had lost more weight and wouldn't feel so embarrassed about my body. Well, one problem with that plan is that I don't enjoy my current gym. The other problem with that plan is that, well, it's really dumb. I have firmly decided that I would like to change gyms and return to more intense Muay Thai training.
The problem is, Kru Mike only trains in the evenings and I can't count on getting to training all of the time. However, one of his students, Eric, who is one of my old training buddies, has his own gym now and offers Muay Thai classes during the day 3 days a week and Saturdays. The class times are perfect. Once again, the thought entered my mind that I don't want Eric to see me this fat. But he probably doesn't really remember my body weight, and we weren't really friends, so he probably doesn't remember me particularly well after almost 4 years of not seeing me.
Anyways, what do I really think will happen if someone I haven't seen in a while sees me fat? That their head will explode? That they will point and laugh? That the world will come to an end?
You don't need to say it, because I already know what I would say to you if you told me about this:
Get over it. Get your ass to that gym.
I want to enjoy kickboxing again, so I have to make a change. I can't let an excuse as superficial as my weight stop me from going to a new gym. I have to say that I feel confident that I would enjoy myself so much more going to Eric's gym. Having also learned from Kru Mike, he would never tolerate exclusion or disrespect. The gym is a bit further from my house, but it will certainly be worth it to improve my Muay Thai skills and torch this body fat right off. So, no more excuses in the bag. I'm going to set them on fire instead. I've already contacted the gym and will be going for a free class tomorrow. My SparkPeeps bear witness that I shall be kicking ass at a new gym tomorrow morning.
"Bad excuses are worse than none."
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