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If At First You Don't Succeed...

Thursday, April 10, 2014

try, try again!!!! That's the saying, right?

Well, yesterday I tried to ride a bike for the firs time in 34 years. I was delusional to think that I would get on and be able to ride like the wind. I was imagining going for a 3 mile ride my first attempt out.

Can you hear me laughing, because I am...hysterically!!!!!

DH nicely put the bikes together. he had me try getting on it while it was in the kitchen. That was a sight!!! I couldn't get my leg over the seat so after a few more adjustments I finally, with great difficulty, got my leg over the seat and straddled the bike.

I went and got prepared...put my helmet on, and tucked my pants legs into my socks. I was quite the fashion statement!!!!

I got outside and brought my bike off the porch onto the front yard. I straddled the bike and then couldn't get both feet up on the pedals. I tired and I tired, but no use. I just couldn't balance myself and get it together. DH was on and pedaling around the yard. I was envious because he made it look so easy. Yeah, right!!! I was short of breath and getting chest pains with my efforts. Finally, after multiple attempts I got my right leg on the pedal and I was doing it. WooHoo!!!!!!! I was pedaling down the driveway, a very short distance, but then the road loomed in front of me and I couldn't stop. Brakes? What brakes? I couldn't do all that stuff at one time. I was concentrating on staying on the bike, not using brakes!!!!

I headed for the road and saw a culvert on my left. As I zoomed by I thought my back wheel was going to hit the culvert and I knew I would fall over. So, I did what any person would do...I panicked!!!! Next thing I know I'm laying in a heap in the middle of the road. I got about 20' into the road before losing it. Thank goodness I had a helmet on. DH came riding up to me and I was laughing. (I was also peeing my pants). I was breathing heavy and just laughing. At least to my surprise I wasn't crying. I sat there for a few minutes to regroup and I was finally able to get myself up. One of my rules...let me do it by myself!!! If I can't do it, I'll let you know.

I did call it quits for the day. DH took a very brief ride down the road. He didn't get far and returned home huffing and puffing. The bikes returned safely to the front porch for the rest of the day.

I did decide that the two-wheeled contraption was not going to win out over me. I will conquer that device. Today when I get home from having my hair done I will try riding again, this time on the lawn. I'll have a softer landing if I wipe out again!!!!

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHELTER_PETS 4/11/2014 2:09PM

    You can do it;-)

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NOWYOUDIDIT 4/10/2014 6:53PM

    emoticon WOW! You are so brave!!
I am totally inspired!
With your determination- you WILL be riding!
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1CRAZYDOG 4/10/2014 1:26PM

  Keep trying! Proud you tried it! HUGS

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JLAMING263 4/10/2014 10:59AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SKIMBRO 4/10/2014 10:56AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Letter To Self

Tuesday, April 08, 2014

So the challenge on Sparkcoach today was to write an encouraging letter to myself. Sparkcoach commented on how we give advice to others and are so compassionate and understanding but when dealing with ourselves we are hard and unforgiving. this is so true, for me anyway. I am awful to myself. I am mean and undermining. Totally unfeeling and self-defeating.

So, here's my letter to myself....



Dear Susan,

I know you have been having a difficult time lately. It seems like you are not making any progress and are traveling backwards. You beat yourself up because of your perfectionist attitude. Remember, none of us are perfect. We can only do the best we can each day.

When you make a plan and don't stick to it you call yourself, "stupid," or ask, "Why did you bother? You knew you couldn't do it." You wouldn't tell that to a friend so why say it to yourself? You are deserving of praise for your attempts and positive steps that you do manage. Don't focus on the negative. Give yourself a pat on the back instead of a punch in the face. You have given yourself so many black eyes you look like a raccoon!!!!

As long as you don't give up you don't fail!!! No one said this journey would be easy. Some days may be smooth and others rough, just like the sea. At times the water is as still and then it is rough. If you're in a row boat you may have to fight a little more to get your boat to go in the direction you want. Keep rowing!!!! Don't put the oars down and give up. Just keep trying a little harder each time.

Remember to ask yourself, " why you are doing this?" "What do you want to accomplish?" Set your eyes on the prize. One step at a time. Put one foot in front of the other. That's the way you cover a lot of ground...one step at a time.

You ARE worth it. Never forget that. You are important. You have a family to care for, even if it is a furry family. they depend on you as does your DH. They all need you well and at your best.

Strive to put God first in your day. Remember to run to God, not away from Him. He can work miracles and can bring clarity to any situation. When you feel as if you are in the dark go to Him. He will light your way.

You matter!!!!!!!!

Love,
Me

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KATIEWOLFIE 4/9/2014 12:18PM

    Thanks for sharing this. What a great reminder that we are all worth the fight!
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IOEINC 4/8/2014 9:35PM

    You are so right that none of us are perfect BUT your letter is absolutely perfect. Please believe it!!! You are right on!! You are worth it!! And emoticon all together!!!

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NOWYOUDIDIT 4/8/2014 7:13PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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1CRAZYDOG 4/8/2014 1:32PM

  What an awesome letter, and every work is absolutely true. HUGS and you ARE worth it.



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Small Victories Continue

Friday, March 21, 2014

Had another small victory this week. Last week I wanted to go to church and the OA meeting but DH had other plans. Not that I made too much of it. It was just more excuses for me not to go. instead of standing up for myself I gave in and didn't go.

Well this week I set my plans in motion early. On Sunday I told DH that I was going to church Thursday morning and the OA meeting Saturday morning so if he had things to do it had to be on the other days of the week, especially if they were things I had to help him with.

I can come up with my own excuses for not going so I didn't need him to help me along!!! I was nervous all week, wondering if when the time came whether or not I would go.

So, Thursday morning I got up on time, did my exercise so I wouldn't have an excuse later for not doing it. Did my chores and then got ready for church. It isn't a formal service so I could go in jeans. I fixed my hair and put some make-up on and was feeling pretty good. When I got in the car I was surprised that I had gotten that far without backing out.

When I got to church there were only 3 cars in the parking lot including mine. When all was said and done there were only 7 people in the service including the pastor and praise leader. It was a nice quiet service. The praise music was just a lone guitar, not a band and I could tolerate that pretty well. The room was darkened so that was soothing as well.

I saw an old friend and her sister. Both ladies are in their mid 80's and they are a hoot. Both dress in the same outfits just different colors. They are so funny. Estelle, my friend saw me and gave me several hugs and was really happy to see me. That made me feel good. I hadn't been forgotten. Of course she immediately had me sit next to her so it was like I was home again.

So that was my victory! Getting out of the house for church. Now Saturday will be going to the OA meeting.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CWELLS78 3/22/2014 12:35PM

    Good on you! emoticon emoticon

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GARDENQE2 3/21/2014 12:13PM

    Sometimes our fears of confrontation hold us prisoner.
I'm glad you found the strength to stand up for yourself and follow through with your plan.
Each time you do this it will get easier!
Best wishes!
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CWGRLLOST 3/21/2014 12:10PM

    I'm so proud of you! Both for standing up for yourself and for following through with what you said you were going to do. I know those things aren't easy for me either. emoticon

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2BEHEALTHY2014 3/21/2014 10:49AM

    emoticon

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NOWYOUDIDIT 3/21/2014 10:38AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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1CRAZYDOG 3/21/2014 10:36AM

  ((((HUGS))))) emoticon

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Celebrating Small Victories

Saturday, March 15, 2014

So a few things have happened since my last post.

I went to therapy for my eating disorder, a scheduled appointment, and we had a good session. We talked a lot about my mom and I got out feelings I didn't know I was having. Of course there were a lot of tears as it was the 9 month anniversary of her death.

My therapist again encouraged me to accept that I was powerless against this eating disorder. Just like the 12 steps of AA the 12 steps of Overeaters is to acknowledge you're powerless over your illness/disease. Then comes believing in a Higher Power for direction in your life (something like that). I believe in God so that is my next step.

Then today my daily devotional was right one time as God always is. He is right on time, never late. I was open to hearing from Him and boy did I. Through the devotional I recognized that I don't have a weight problem, I have a food problem. They are two different things. God can't help me with my weight problem but He can help me with my food problem. Gluttony, pure and simple.

So today went a little differently:
Breakfast - Cherry on TOp Smoothie a little light on calories, but okay
Snack - Fiber One 90 calorie brownie still a little light
Lunch - Salami, 2% cheese, lettuce, tomato, light mayo and whole wheat toast
Snack -popcorn
Dinner - CHicken Helper, serving and a half of green beans and fruit medley for dessert

All in all 1300+ calories, all within my daily range. I am over fat by 8 points and under carb by 1 also sodium by 466. I made my fiber, and cholesterol.

So a victory for me today. I didn't binge!!!! Small steps.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GARDENQE2 3/20/2014 12:02PM

    emoticon Just for today...you can do it!
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NOWYOUDIDIT 3/15/2014 5:56PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon You are on your way!

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1CRAZYDOG 3/15/2014 5:16PM

  Good job. Proud of you. One day-at-a-time. HUGS

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So, What Do You Do When...

Thursday, March 13, 2014

you're a compulsive overeater and are on a binge???

I have had a bad week. Since Monday I have been eating poorly. Fast food has been my nemesis this week. I rarely binge on fast food. This week it has been McDonald's and pizza. Almost every day I am having one or the other and then I don't know when to stop.

Today was pizza, the end of the Pizza Hut pizza from the other day. But that's not all I eat. I ate two slices of pan meat lovers pizza, a Smart Ones thin crust cheese pizza and a bowl and a half of popcorn with butter Pam on it. Breakfast was light, a smoothie and coffee.

I am going to make adjustments to dinner to compensate for all the carbs I ate today. I will have my 3 oz. pork chop on a nice romaine salad with cold veggies and fat free dressing.

Earlier in the week when it was McDonald's it was 20 piece nuggets and a hamburger or double burger. That was in addition to meals.

Some of you may not understand the desire to eat all this. It is not something I can control at the time. The only thing on my mind is how much food I can shovel in. Then once it starts there is no stopping usually until I am over stuffed and miserable. Of course to be honest, the food doesn't' even taste good. It is like eating cardboard. I just eat to be eating. Of course after I eat it I am very ashamed and guilty. That makes it all worse. I berate myself and say all sorts of negative things to myself.

You might ask, "Why doesn't she learn and stop?" That's the $64,000 question. If I knew the answer I'd be cured. This is a long time behavior. I am currently in therapy for this but it is slow going. I started therapy back in August and go every two weeks. For each step forward I take two backwards. I understand the plan when I am in the session but when I get home the steps fall out of place. I forget what we talked about and the techniques to curb the behavior. Maybe I need to start taking notes.

DH has been trying to help lately. My response is to make excuses for my eating. This week it was loneliness and missing my mom who passed away in June. I have gotten very lonely since she died. We talked several times a day. It was a long distance relationship but a very important one to me. I have tried to make plans to get involved with social things like a bible study or Overeaters Anonymous or church, but each time I get ready to go I stop myself and end up staying home. I am a hermit. I don't want to go out. I only go out for grocery shopping and doctor appointments. I have no problem with going to those things but a social group is another story and the problem is that I am a very social person, or used to be.

I do enjoy my Sparkpeople but as you all know it requires very little on my part. I don't have to leave my home to socialize. I can sit and drink a cup of coffee without showing myself to anyone. I am embarrassed by my weight and don't want people to see me and think, "How did she get that big?" If I meet people I know I can see them trying to think of something to say other than, "My you've gotten big," or "My you've gained weight." Then they make some comment back to you about how they gained weight yet they look just like they did when you knew them years ago. They haven't gained 50+ pounds in 5 years.

So Sparkpeople...do you have any words of wisdom about combating this eating disorder or my fear of going out??? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHAKARA1 3/14/2014 9:41PM

    I am also a binge eater. When I have a BAD day, it is usually a 3000-5000 calorie bad day. I used to eat until I threw up. Not any more. I have done really well over this last few months. WHen I start to binge I am usually able to stop myself.

My best advice is to get out of that house. I could easily wall myself up in my house (okay well maybe not in this house, we would like one a little larger), but I make myself go out. If I let myself stay in the house, I will be 400 pounds in no time. I get depressed, then I eat, which makes me ashamed, so I eat, I put on weight from all the eating, which makes me depressed, you get the picture. It just isn't healthy.

You mentioned a Thursday morning church service near you. I would encourage you to go to that service. I think it would do you a world of good in more ways than one my friend.


Hugs
Chakara

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NONIE_C 3/14/2014 4:54PM

    I so deeply understand exactly what you're experiencing. At the beginning of February, I was ordering out every single night, overeating like it was my job, and I was on a major sugar binge as well. It was ridiculous, and I gained back all the weight I'd lost last summer.

I am a member of the OA Spark team too, and I actually just responded to the monthly thread. Please go read my response, as I wrote directly to you in it.

I believe in you, and I believe this disease can be arrested in its tracks. I believe we can work the steps and recover from this debilitating cycle. I am with you.
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NOWYOUDIDIT 3/14/2014 1:05AM

    I go through bouts of this too, but less extreme since I've been low carbing for a year. We are human. I know how hard it is to stop. But you will. Keep reminding yourself- you will stop. You are not alone. Emotions often trigger food binges.
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1CRAZYDOG 3/13/2014 8:33PM

  Lonliness is very often an emotion that triggers overeating to "fill that void". Of course intellectually we KNOW food can't fill that void, but at that moment, that's not how it feels.

I will say I am not a binger but having disorderly eating, in general, is so hard to deal with because it is something we NEED to live (food), but making it nutritious food . . . that takes practice to make that choice when we're in the throws of emotional turmoil.

Wish I had a solution, but it IS good that you've blogged. You are not the only one!

HUGS

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