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Thursday, September 04, 2008

I've been so off kilter in blogging, although I have been tracking, albeit not as religiously as I should. I've just been so out of kilter since my mom died and dealing with those emotions, plus the issue of her being buried in the wrong plot. All has been settled. Now I'm dealing with my upcoming vacation to China which is a pleasant thing, and it's taken much necessary preparation with shots, VISAS, packing requirements, doctor's notes for our panda volunteer sessions, etc. Add the daily living stuff and it's busy, busy, busy. Yet, I find one thing that continues to be in my constant thoughts - food. Which leads me to a daily note I made today in my food diary, as noted below.

New 'tude, take 3,293,456,756,444

I think I'm giving too much power to food - it rules my waking moments. So, I'm thinking that while I will monitor/record what I eat, I'm going to stop obsessing and thinking about it and start enjoying it, I mean really enjoying it. I'm not sure if this is how thin people think, I mean really, do people really think about food all THAT much?? So why do I obsess? I'm sure I'm not alone.

I'e decided that I'm not going to look at a peach and think "you are one of my fruit servings", I'm going to look at it and think "you are a delicious, juicy, ripe peach, full of satisfying fiber and delicious run down my chin flavor". I'm not going to look at my dinner plate and think "I wonder if this is too much" but look at it and think "hmmmm....that chicken is prepared just how I like it or wow! a just picked ear of sweet corn from the local farm and my organic home grown tomato salad"!! I can smell it just by writing it! And what we all know - by engaging the senses and really enjoying each savory bite helps in cutting down consumption. More meals than not should be an event where I want to savor every bite, not look at it as a "filling a requirement".



Wednesday, July 23, 2008

I just view the video of the man and his CP son. Then I opened my horoscope. Coincidence? I think not. So doay my mission is to find that little something that alters my thinking and impacts my life. Cool, eh?

Wednesday, Jul 23rd, 2008 -- Take a chance and do something different today about your health. The Moon in your 6th House of Details now suggests that paying extra attention to little things can be very productive. Changing an aspect of your diet, trying a different form of exercise or altering one piece of your complex day could bring the impact you desire. (Scorpio)


6.20.08 - Exercise & Grief

Friday, June 20, 2008

I haven't written in some time, having gone through my mom's sudden illness and death. As if that wasn't enough, I've had to deal with the cemetary for the past 6 weeks because they buried my mom in the wrong plot - not even close to the plots she had purchased. It's the weirdest thing being at a funeral mumbling why are we in this location when we should be way over there!

I spoke to attorneys who told me that I didn't have a case - basically, it was a mistake and that the cemetery didn't have to do anything since the plot they buried her in was available. So for the past 6 weeks I've been grieving daughter and family spokesperson to get this settled. The issue that really fueled my jets was that the morning of the funeral they requested that I pay for the grave opening - in cash!! So I had to bring $800 cash with me to the funeral. Luckily I happened to have the money because I'm saving for my September vacation to China, and had the money to exchange before I leave. Hopefully this issue will come to a close tomorrow. I can't believe the cemetery gave me such a hard time, and I really can't believe I couldn't get an attorney to intervene. Talk about pain and suffering! And the thing is that we knew it was the wrong plot as soon as the car stopped - you see, I was with my mom when she purchased the plots! LOL On a lighter note, thank goodness I'm a Scorpio and could handle the legal issue! I always thought I'd make a good lawyer!

So where does exercise come in? More importantly, where do you come in?? I've been stressed, to the max. I've shielded my dad from the details by telling him that "I'm still waiting for them to get back to me". While my eating has been focused (what a surprise!), my energy has been drained. My head throbs (which scares the heck out of me cause I have a brain aneurysm) and the good news is that my blood pressure has been holding at 110/70. So I've been walking - either WATP or outside. Since the weather has been pleasant, I've taken to the streets. I come home feeling refreshed and invigorated. While walking I stay in tune with nature, watch traffic go by, greet fellow walkers, dogs, even squirrels, and listen for any message I might be getting while out and about. While part of me is angry that I've had to deal with this issue, there's the bigger part that knows that if it wasn't for my focus, thanks to SparkPeople, my personal results would have been disasterous. I know if I didn't have this site to log onto I would have eaten my way through this which, as we all know, would have compounded the issue. And while I might not have logged in as much as I wanted to and not recorded every morsel, when I was out and about and was tempted to soothe my feelings with food, I remembered I had a place to be accountable to and I just couldn't let myself or my virtual partners down.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MRS_TOAD 6/20/2008 8:17AM

    What shocking circumstances! I am so sorry for the loss of your mother and the additional pain and suffering you have gone through with the issue of the cemetery. While I am glad you felt you had SP to turn to during this difficult time, I am also encouraged that through it all you took care of you! That alone says a lot about your commitment to the program!

Peace and emoticon

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4.8.08 - Support is overwhelming!

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Thank you all for your incredible support and prayers.

We got confirmation today that it is Stage IV adenoca of the pancreas. My mom remains medically compromised with gangrene issues, clots, diabetes - to name a few. She will be transferred to rehab soon to try to get better mobility. Frankly I think she'll give up and I pray that no infection creeps in. She is being very brave and the doctor told us to basically give her whatever she wants.

So thanks again! I remain on target with my nutrition, although I'm not exercising as much. I do try to get in bursts of movement - LOL - like when I'm standing at the elevator I keep my feet moving. I might move side to side, too. And I stretch throughout the day. I'm keeping up with my chiro appts, too to keep my alignment in order. I see a wonderful doc who practices SOT manipulation - very gentle and massaging.


4.4.08 - My mom is dying

Friday, April 04, 2008

My mom was rushed to the hospital on Saturday after my dad returned home from Mass and found her slumped over the coffee table. She says she stumbled on her way to the couch after she had gone to the kitchen to get a glass of water, then fell asleep after she couldn't get up. Yea, right.

When they ran some tests, her potassium was low (we later found out she wasn't taking her meds) among other things. As of today, the list grows. While the potassium is under control, they have found clots in her legs and lungs, mild dementia, "slight" pneumonia, and a mass in her tummy the size of Rhode Island involving the liver, pancreas and hepatic vein. They did a CT guided biopsy this morning. Having worked in medicine for over 30 years, some of those with a surgical oncologist, I know what this means. And it ain't good.

For anyone who reads this, you have to understand what we, the family, have dealt with. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to accompany her on doctor's visits during the years, only to be screamed at and called names. And I mean not very nice names - how can you call your daughter a whore who is trying to help you, when that is far from the truth? And I'm talking double digits in years that I've put up with this verbal abuse. I've called the doctor's on numerous occasions asking him to ask her about things, or maybe make a note to look at her differently, only to be screamed at when she got home. Even if I didn't call, which I stopped a few years ago, she would still accuse me of calling if the doctor asked her how something has been. She made life hell for my dad, too. So we stopped, but let her know the offer is there if she wants us to step in.

So why am I posting this? Because besides the family support and having wonderful friends to stop me from beating my self up with the "I could have done mores", I have this site to support me. And keep me on track to stay healthy and not throw it all out the window. I have a ways to go, I know that. But under regular circumstances, and I'm sure many who might see this are nodding their heads, this is when we give up on ourselves, or take the focus off our needs and go for junk because it's more readily available. Junk is the easy way out. I know I have to stay healthy for whatever else is coming down the pike. Since we don't know the primary site of her cancer, I have to wonder what other pro-active measures am I going to have to do? Working in health care I know what I'm up against, and what she is up against, too. The good news is that I'm staying focused on my needs, and watching my dad and sister, too. We have to keep ourselves on top of our game for her sake, especially since we don't know if she'll be coming home and pretty much will need 24/7 care (with the help of hospice). We are looking at options.

I'm a near death experiencer so I have my guides on alert for her. I also know that this is her chosen path, and there is nothing I could have done. I forgive her for not allowing me to help her, and know I was the best daughter I could be. She is telling everyone what wonderful daughters she has and how we have taken care her and my dad. I guess in her mind what we have done is let her be.

So, with all of that, am I going to be perfect? Oh hell no. But with Sparkpeople I know I'll be focused, get up real quick after a stumble, and know I can come here, read the blogs, and be globally connected to everyone who has all kinds of struggles. I know I'm not alone, and you're not either.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WVUDAVE 4/7/2008 11:41PM

    Wow, you are really inspiring. I'm definately praying for you all. Stay strong, take care of yourself, and choose to have peace :-)

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MRS_TOAD 4/5/2008 8:00PM

    My prayers are with you and your family. This is truly a difficult time for all of you. While you keep an eye on dad and sister, don't forget to keep that same eye on yourself.

From the sounds of things, you have been a dedicated daughter through some very rough times. You did the unthinkable by standing by your mom despite the hard time she gave you. Not many people have the kind of dedication, fortitude and compassion.

You have been added to my prayer list. If you need to vent or just chat, feel free to contact me. In the meantime, may the grace of God grant you and your family peace during this most difficult time.


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IRISHSUNSETS 4/4/2008 9:28PM

    My prayers are with you. Please look after yourself. There is a such thing as caregiver burn out. Her abuse to you is not about you , and you are doing the best you can on her behalf. You are right - do not beat yourself up.

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SPARKLEMAMMY 4/4/2008 5:35PM

    May you get throught this difficult time. I will add you all to the prayer list in the Psychic Sparkers Noeleen

Comment edited on: 4/4/2008 5:35:05 PM

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EMMAMUM 4/4/2008 4:02PM

  What a nightmare! God bless and will say a prayer for you.

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DDOORN 4/4/2008 3:16PM

    OMG what a SAINT you've been! It's such a horrible ordeal to go through when our loved one's illness changes their thoughts and behaviors so that they are no longer themselves. Hold onto the knowledge that this isn't your MOTHER saying those abusive things, but rather her ILLNESS which is speaking / acting.

Take care of yourself as best you can...don't forget to squeeze in some time to rest and re-charge.

Consider too, that during this time when so much is OUTSIDE of your control, it might help you feel better to seize those things that ARE under your control, such as healthy food / water choices and physical activity. There can be something truly therapeutic about pursuing this during a stressful time such as what you're experiencing.

Don, Co-Leader for the All Health Professionals SparkTeam

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ELEPHANTS39 4/4/2008 1:57PM

  She is lucky to have a daughter like you.You have nothing to feel ashamed of,you have tried to help her.I had a Grandmother who had the same reaction to me helping her,and I too felt like I could have done more.My prayers,and thoughts are with you.God Bless You. Lisa

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G.I.JANE 4/4/2008 1:18PM

    Oh, I am soo sorry! My Mom is non-compliant as well. Her Sisters, too. I have two Aunts dying of lung Cancer, I fear my Mom is next. What can I say? We cant pick our Parents & control them. I hope you can fnd peace. Always a Sparkmail away!


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