CASSIES   36,068
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Can't Stop Torturing myself about my Weight

Monday, August 05, 2013

I am still incredibly obsessed with my fat stomach and the fact that I am still obese. I am not able to get my dictator/restrictor in gear and "diet down."

I know that I need to proceed with loving kindness, but I also feel that I just want my stomach to be smaller and to have all the pants fit. I came across two pictures today which were taken before my weight loss which started 4.5 years ago. I clearly am so physically different, but emotionally so much the same.

That's me on the right taking up half of the love seat and the three others the rest;-)

There I am on the left in DUMBO Brooklyn.

And here I am two years into my weight the same weight I am at now.
I overall eat healthier, move more and no longer have the high blood pressure I had when I was at 285lbs. I am doing emotional work, but yet my mind is constantly focused on my stomach and that I want to lose more weight. I know that it is most likely not about the weight, but I wanted to do this blog to see that I am physically and energetically in a much better place.

I just want to find peace. And I am not going to stop;-)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TERRY0217 8/7/2013 6:41AM

    You're doing such a great job...please stop beating yourself up...don't look at what you need to do yet, look at how far you've already come! Be kind to yourself and you can move mountains!
Best of luck to you

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HAZELFRUIT 8/6/2013 2:02PM

    This is a great issue to think about. Everyone says you have to learn to love yourself no matter what, and I have trouble with that. I know I will never look like I did at 20. Funny thing is, I thought I was fat then! Wasn't skinny but was NOT fat. Good luck and congrats on how far you've come. (You look fantastic.)

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WATERMELLEN 8/5/2013 5:02PM

    Big big change -- not just in weight/body size but the way you hold yourself, your self-confidence. That's what you're projecting and yup I know it's harder to feel it all the time: but it's there.

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FITFRIT 8/5/2013 4:25PM

    Peace isn't going to come as the weight falls off, you have to find it within. My mother has lost well over 100 lbs and wears women's mediums but still OBSESSES because she doesn't weigh what she did in high school. She is still overweight to the point of being obese according to her bmi but she wears a MEDIUM! It is very frustrating when I am obese and very close to being morbidly obese and she's over here complaining about being overweight. It's a struggle for each of us, a personal one that is different for everyone. Find some peace within and then the weight won't matter as much as the person you see inside.

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DDOORN 8/5/2013 3:32PM

    Having similar struggles here, eating healthy, but overall not healthy enough to get to a weight which I can accept. Like you, I am WAY better than back in the bad old days...but still not happy either. Trying to build into my lifestyle mantras about being good enough and special just as I am but it is constant battle overcoming old, pervasive messages and negative self-talk.


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PRNCSRIAH 8/5/2013 3:10PM

    You look great!

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AJB121299 8/5/2013 3:06PM

    great job

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IPA Warms Me Up on a FReeeeeZing NYC Day!

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Ray was in town for March madness and we were able to schedule a Saturday morning stroll from Central Park to Rockefeller Center.

We had no problem spotting one another when we got to our meeting point in Columbus Circle.

I loved the warm hug he gave me when we met. It encompassed all the laughter and support I have received from here at Spark.

And like so many perfect cyber friendships we have met eachother on the inside first so it was like we were good old friends and we just started chatting and laughing for the next hour and a half.

He told me such funny stories....ask him about the one when he and his wife went to race in France and only 9 runners showed up. Oh, what a cast of characters it was and of course he and his wife easily took the Grand prizes!


He also shared the two times he came to NYC as a high school track star. He charmed a group of Bushwick cheerleaders who gave him a special Brooklyn cheer!


Here we are just outside of Central Park.

This photo was taken by one ofNYC's finest;)

Thanks Ray for fitting me into your weekend.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WATERMELLEN 3/20/2012 7:54AM

    Great pics, nice story: glad to know that IPA-RAY is as amazing in person as here on line!! (Had no doubt, actually . . . )

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BARBARA_BOO 3/20/2012 2:23AM

    So cool!

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DDOORN 3/10/2012 10:39PM

    Sounds like an awesome time had by all!


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SALEE100 3/10/2012 8:36PM

    Neat! It looks like you two had a great time. I wish I was there!

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CASSIES 3/10/2012 8:34PM

    I love this blog. I can't stop smiling and thinking about how lucky I am to have met one of my cyber heroes today¦-)

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IPA-RAY 3/10/2012 5:54PM


It was great meeting you in person. Thanks for the links for tomorrow's run.


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January Musings: If I were a sculptor.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

As part of my goals I am going to blog at least once a month as a way of connecting here at Spark.

Its 28 days into the month and I am finally here.

I am happy to be actively losing weight and getting back into the jeans I had been wearing last spring. The scale is down about five pounds. I have a heavy day to day fluctuation which makes me very bonkers. I try to take the stance of my friend Barbara Boo who weighs daily and makes it a "non-event."

I dream of the day that being fit and healthy is a "nonevent." And if I look at myself objectively there is so much of myself that really is. My go to meals are healthful, I truly enjoy my walks and I choose activity over inactivity whenever possible. My spark page says, "I am putting one foot in front of the other until this feels like me>" I think "it" does feel like me. Now I need to begin to trust it more.

I was rereading a blog from the slowest loser yesterday. It was the one where he was sharing his father's "Freudian take" on weight loss. It basically said that our super ego sets up a higher than normal standard for our goals, and then "our self" believes that we can do this abnormally high goal and then we get down when its not achieved according to this skewed standard.

I have to admit I am very guilty of this syndrome. But, this week when I realized I would not reach the number I set on my wii at the beginning of the month I changed it two days before to a more realistic goal for two weeks from now. That felt like a very kind thing to do for the past I would have just been thinking that I f'ed up by not going down 9 pounds in a month. I had this thought that the first 3 pounds of the 219 I weighed on January 1st would fly off due to holiday eating bloat. I am finding that it is much harder to really shed pounds as I am almost 3 years into this. But, the work I have done this month is reflected in my clothing and overall appearance. Yay.

And I am really happy that I have gotten back into exercise on an almost daily basis. That takes an effort to make sure it is happens, but it has been so rewarding. Setting the goal to be on the first page of the fitness minutes leader board at the separation team really helped me. I did get anal about checking in on it and I want to try to stop that kind of obsession around my efforts. I hope I can stay up there till January 31st. My reward is a luxury spark goodie to myself!

I also have to share that I really achieved that goal in bits and pieces. I started to try to get in walks at lunch whenever possible. So, 10, 15 and 20 minutes at a time can really do a lot. And the other biggie is that my blood pressure is up again and I am back on meds. the doctor said no exercise other than walking. At first I clung onto the "no exercise." But, once I got past that and was reminded that walking is good for high BP I seized every opportunity to walk that I could.

My new image I carry as I am working towards goals is of a sculptor chipping away at his work. That is how I think of my efforts. It’s not going to be one big action that will result in immediate change. It’s the tiny bits...maybe even a bit of dust at times coming off that all count towards the masterpiece.

I just read this:

Michelangelo once wrote that a true and pure work of sculpture -- by definition, one that is cut, not cast or modeled -- should retain so much of the original form of the stone block and should so avoid projections and separation of parts that it would roll downhill of its own weight. These words reflect Michelangelo's love of quarried marble and his reverence for the very stone that lies at the heart of his chosen art form of sculpture.

This will be my inspiration to not focus on the elusive “finished project.” I will think of myself as the quarried marble that Michael Angelo loved so much.

I love this image of a mountain marble quarry.

I think as I am chasing weight loss and “thinner peace” I am not looking all around me and seeing all the beauty that exists. It’s not always the case, but when I get trapped in it, it really sucks.

And here is my January photo:

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANGELARUTHIE 2/5/2012 12:13PM

    I absolutely LOVE this visual of ourselves being a sculpture in process. I've always loved sculpture, but because of the process. I like the idea of taking a block of wood or a chunk of stone and finding within it something beautiful. It's exciting to see ourselves in that same light, you know? I'm an artist, chiseling away at a couch potato body, slowly revealing the body of an athlete. :)

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DDOORN 1/28/2012 9:28PM

    Sounds like it's been a great month of taking good care of yourself both on the inside AND outside!

Keep that SPARK burning BRIGHT! :-)


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Keep Calm and Carry On

Sunday, March 20, 2011

I had the loveliest workout yesterday. And I realized that my workouts are sacred to me.

I started having a sense of this for some time now. As I work out I have a sense of vigil. Especially when I am outside walking/jogging. It started when I would exercise and started to put faith in it. It isn't like you go out and take a walk and then automatically have a quantifiable result. So, I just started having a sense of faithful commitment to the practice of exercise.

I would think that this must be what people who go to church feel like when they go each week for the promise of whatever that brings them. I never got going to church, but I REALLY get exercising on a regular basis.

I just feel with every step I take and every weight I lift I am spending very precious time with myself.

Yesterday it was such a beautiful sunny spring day. Flowers and buds and birds and the greeness of the grass were all around me. I thought of the wintry nights I walked these same blocks. And the 5AM summer mornings I was out there taking those steps.

And I just know I will be out there again and again. Amen!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DDOORN 3/21/2011 9:59AM

    Workouts are such a wonderful way to honor ourselves...!


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ROYALETBONE 3/21/2011 1:44AM

    Lovely blog... thanks for the motions!

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CASSIES 3/20/2011 4:58PM

    Oh yes, Maya. Yesterday as I was coming back from the gym I was practically dancing in the streets.

I now listen to hardcore house-techno music. The endorphins were palatable and I was moving and grooving and loving the euphoria!

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BIGGIRL2082010 3/20/2011 10:35AM

    Yep. That feeling of really getting in touch with myself is one of the main reasons I work out.

Well, that and the complete sense of euphoria every time I really get the sweat flowing! :)

Here's to many, many more wonderful workouts!


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IPA-RAY 3/20/2011 8:27AM

    This reminds me of a Sunday morning trail run I had many years ago. Another runner asked me if I ever go to church. I held my hands up at the trees and sky and said, "This is my church."

If I believed in God, it would have a lot to do with the wonder of Nature and I would deem it more appropriate to celebrate Him/Her/It by being outside rather than inside.

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CASSIES 3/20/2011 8:25AM

    I wanted to add a picture. As I was in my photos the one I've included was labeled "My Belly," but I did not see the image, but was curious so uploaded it.

I love it. That is really how my belly looks and of course it can set me into a tizzy of self loathing. I also wasn't sure what to name the blog, but felt compelled to just use Keep Calm and Carry On.

Its perfect. I'm learning to be with my body as it is. I continue to move forward. And I especially don't want to take myself too seriously!!!!!!


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Bed Cardio

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Found this in another member's blog.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DDOORN 2/14/2011 10:25AM

    Handy to have! Especially for those with severe osteoarthritis in hips / knees!


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MARYELLEN301 2/13/2011 9:06PM

    Wow, who'd a thought?! I really HATE Cardio. I HATE sweating! But I may actually be up for something like this! I just started a new bookmark called "Exercise Videos" . Adding some of Coach Nicole's as well. I need something to inspire me! Thanks!

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