CASKUL   14,852
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Love hurts sometimes

Friday, March 08, 2013

My 17 YO darling daughter is like petting a porcupine - occasionally you get in a few strokes without getting hurt before she pelts you with spikes - then you spend the rest of the day pulling the barbs out. She talked to me today and we had 15 minutes before I said something that set her off. For the most part I can be calm and collected but there are times when what she says hits deep and hurts. She is so confused and hurting and asks me for help then pushes me away. I can only be here and that is hard because I want to help but she needs to figure this out on her own. I let her know I love her and am here for her.

So I am here for my daughter but I am also finding that I need to be here for myself. That is something that I have been sorry lacking in doing - being here for myself and showing myself consideration and kindness. This week I have been clearing my work, my home and my emotions. It is hard work but so freeing. It does make you quite tired all this clearing out.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FLORIDASUN 5/22/2013 7:51AM

    I hear you on this one! I have a daughter that really put me through the wringer and STILL to this day does! All I can say is love with all your heart and forgive as best you can. Treat yourself with love and kindness as this reflects back to your DD and hopefully by being kind to yourself she can see what positive changes it brings to your life and start modeling some of her own after your example.

Good luck dear one...raising kids is NOT for the faint hearted! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SVELTEWARRIOR 5/20/2013 11:53PM

    I know how you feel....been going through it for awhile with my 19 year old DD. You are doing the right thing by giving yourself love. Remember you ARE worth it!!!!

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ZUMBAGIRL6 5/20/2013 9:10PM

  I have 2 children ages 21 and 22. I just read a wonderful and very helpful book about communicating with them. It is called "Walking on Eggshells". It has a lot of very good ideas! perhaps it might help you. Good luck!

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MICKEYH 3/8/2013 9:42PM

    Self love is very important as well as your 17 year old doghter. Please, take care of yourself. emoticon emoticon

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TURTLETALK 3/8/2013 11:21AM

    It gets better! emoticon

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PREDFAN 3/8/2013 11:11AM

    Oh have I been there! The older teen years are so hard. I have 2 daughters 24 yrs and 26 yrs. Some days were so hard and heartbreaking,but your right, we can only offer our love and support and then have to step away and let them figure it out. It would be so easy if they listened but they need to make there own way too! Stay strong and remember that you matter!
Great job on clearing the clutter in your life!
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SONYALATRECE 3/8/2013 8:23AM

    Blessings in dealing with clearing it all out!


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MHNGJR 3/8/2013 8:01AM

    emoticon and congrats for facing those "things" that need clearing out" emoticon

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LIVERIGHTNOW 3/8/2013 1:25AM

    Glad u r giving yourself some love!

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Clearing out the old to make room for the new

Wednesday, March 06, 2013

When I have issues on my mind I clean. Had a bit of time at work today and cleared out a whole lot of files that have been sitting around. I have a plan to re-organize my bedroom this week. It is really freeing to release all these things I have been collecting. This is why I think spring cleaning was done to clear out everything after a long winter and get ready for the new season. This is what I am ready for - get rid of all the stuff I have - physically and emotionally - and become ready for a new brighter season.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MICKEYH 3/7/2013 12:05AM

    I just done my bed room. I feel much organize and seems to get better sleep. emoticon

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HOLISTIC5 3/6/2013 10:02PM

    I am feeling the same way.

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MUSOLF6 3/6/2013 8:38PM

    emoticon

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KRISTINSGOALS 3/6/2013 8:10PM

    Wonderful, Corinne!! Cleaning is such a wonderful thing....

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RAPUNZEL53 3/6/2013 7:30PM

  emoticon

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AJB121299 3/6/2013 7:24PM

    kudos

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Changing to make new habits

Monday, March 04, 2013

So I want to work to change my old habits into new healthier ones. First I need to identify the poor habits - the first one I am focussing on is - eating at night. Looking at my food journal it is the food I take in during the evening that puts me over my food limit. It is at this that I am alone, everybody else is sleeping and I can decompress. I find myself reaching out for sweet, salty, crunch - a combination that is a formula for failure. So if I do not plan I will continue to do the same thing all the time while wishing I was different. This week I am planning different activities in the evening so that my usual is different which will cause me to something different. So what am I doing? My plan is to reorganize my bedroom to have it total done by Friday.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MICKEYH 3/4/2013 8:52PM

    emoticon emoticon night time eating is a one of my challenge too. Good luck on rearrange your bed room. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PREDFAN 3/4/2013 7:03PM

    emoticon Keeping busy is a good way not to get those evening munchies. Plus being organized makes you feel good!
I have to be careful with that too. My new fix. I have been eating an apple in the evenings and that seems to really fix that need for the sweet and crunchy. When I need more I get a little caramel dip and that really fixes it!
I know you can do it!

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BARBIE176 3/4/2013 6:33PM

    emoticon plan. I find that when i am busy I am not as likely to think of snacking. Plus, you'll have a clean bedroom! emoticon emoticon

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PILLYWIGGIN 3/4/2013 4:29PM

    Great idea! When you have finished mine needs reorganising too Lol! emoticon

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BELIEVING-N-ME 3/4/2013 2:18PM

    emoticon WayToGo on planning!

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KRISTINSGOALS 3/4/2013 2:17PM

    Awesome, Corinne! Maybe saving some calories for that decompressing time will allow you enjoy that alone time and not go over your calorie limit. Just a thought....

Looking forward to hearing how the reorganization of your bedroom goes!

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RAMONAFLOWERZ 3/4/2013 2:06PM

    YOU CAN DO IT!!!

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It doesn't hurt to allow others in

Saturday, March 02, 2013

When I was growing up - one of the main things I remember is the family rule - never talk about what happens with the family - never ask for help - never think you are good because then you will be too big for your britches - well I have to retrain my brain because that thinking has not helped me, in fact it has hindered me in that I have felt that I was being a traitor to my family and myself by asking for help, taking about what was going on or thinking that I was good enough. This is going to be a work in progress but I can see that this needs to be done so that I am better able to deal with what goes on in my life.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

REEBADABEEBOOS 3/2/2013 11:30PM

    Not talking about family issues was an unspoken rule in my house too. Asking for help is hard enough without it being ingrained in you as a bad thing. I think it's a great thing for you to work on.

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SASSYTHING52 3/2/2013 11:15PM

    the past is very hurtful to me emoticon

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It is hard to ask for help

Saturday, March 02, 2013

I have spent my life being self reliant, priding myself on not asking for help, dealing with life and issues in my own way (not always in the best way) but in my mind I didn't have to ask for help. So this year I have been trying something different. My 17 year old daughter told me that there is no way she could feel comfortable living at my home any longer and needed to be somewhere anywhere else. I reached out to my brother and his wife to ask if they would have room to take her into their home so that she would be safe and finish her grad 12. They agreed. My daughter packed her clothes so fast and left without looking back. She has been gone a month. It is so hard to let go. I want to reach out pull her in my arms and never let her go.

Tonight I took her to a 4-H event and on the way home I asked her if we could work on having an open and honest relationship. She told me that there was no way she could ever see herself having a relationship with me. What she wants is a superficial relationship where it is just on the surface, no questions, only agreements with whatever she wants. I told her that I wanted a better, different relationship but that is not something she can see herself having with me. So I decided to do something different and get it out of my mind by sharing it on here and having a good cry while doing so.

So a bit of the back story. My 16 year old son has for the last year been on a downward spiral where he was miserable to be around, he would lie, steal money, rude, used drugs, I would drive him to school and watch him walk in the door and then get a call about him not being at school because he had walked through the school and right on out. He would do the bare minimum to get by and this continued until Nov when he was asked to leave school due to his attitude. Yes life with him was unbelieveable hard. Once he was asked to leave school, I insisted that he get a job, he started to turn around. In order to live in my home he needs to work, pay rent, do chores and be responsible. He agreed to the terms. He got a job two days later, gets up every morning for work on his own, gets to work on his own, pays rents, chores are hit and miss but they are getting better and he has stopped doing drugs in my home. He claims to be off drugs for a month now. Slowly life began to become better with my son, at which time, my daughter started to act up. Becoming verbally and physically abusive, running away from home, eventually leaving to live with a friend, a friend who wanted to pay for stuff, party with her and run around at night. The more I said the more I turned her away, finally I stood and watched and she decided to come home but that was when she made her announcement that she needed to be in a new environment. I want her to flourish and so agreed and reached out to my brother.

It hurt to hear her yell at me that she could never imagine having an open and honest relationship with me. So I am writing instead of eating. I am not going to give up having a relationship with my daughter it is just going to take time. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MICKEYH 3/2/2013 10:52PM

    I don't know what to say to you to encourage you but my heart go out to you.
Hang in there. emoticon emoticon

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HZGLORY 3/2/2013 6:54PM

    Corinne,
Parenting is the hardest job we will ever do, the most rewarding job we will ever get, the least experienced before hand job we will ever be given, the most powerful job in the world.

The president of the United States carries the burden of the weight of a country on his shoulders but he is slowly prepared for this job along the way with all the previous jobs he holds before hand bringing him to this powerful task.

But a parent forms and molds the lives of the human beings she is entrusted with for the rest of his or her life. They start with the seed and that job ends when they meet their maker and no sooner. I bet in heaven they still are concerned with their children and their lives.

With such a big task you would think we would be sent to classes, or training or given a how to book or something....nope. If we ourselves do not seek out help we will come up short in our task as parent. My son's in thier teens were more than I could bare. I needed any and all the help I could get.

I challenge you to keep reading info, listening, seeking out, talking and finding out what you need to be doing to help your children win in life. Don't give up as you know they change and grow up, just be there in any way you can until they make those healthy changes. Hang in there!
susan

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LKWQUILTER 3/2/2013 2:25PM

    Praying for you and your daughter. We have had problems with our children at different times, but they were adults and not living at home--no speaking or even really letting us know where they were at, but they did find out mama and daddy were always there and willing to help. That is all you can do. Take care of yourself too. ((HUGS))

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LIVERIGHTNOW 3/2/2013 1:03PM

    thank you for letting us in, Corinne. I love what turtle talk said!!!!! Many of us moms can truly understand your misery. Parenthood is one hell of a JOB, great rewards and often great pain.
I hope you were able to dismiss some of your pain by blogging- let it out, girl.
I would be happy to be Spark Buddies if you find that might be of help.-Kris

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MOSTMOM1 3/2/2013 11:01AM

    Oh, I hear you, Corinne. We struggle with out 18 yr. old. Parenting can be so very, very hard. Good for you for trying to deal with this in a positive, healthy way. Find friends, ask for help, never give up.
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BELIEVING-N-ME 3/2/2013 10:46AM

    My heart goes out to you. Raising kids can be very tough. Big Hugs

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TURTLETALK 3/2/2013 9:38AM

    I am sorry that life has been so difficult for you with your children. I think you are making good choices in deciding that you will live your life the best you can and not dwell on what you can't control. Keep loving your daughter even if from a distance and even if she says she can't imagine having a real relationship with you she will recognize that you are still there for her when she needs you. emoticon

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KRISTINSGOALS 3/2/2013 9:04AM

    My heart goes out to you, Corinne. Raising kids is the hardest job I've ever done. Big hugs.

Kristin

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SPSPSP1 3/2/2013 2:35AM

    Oh my. I know it's hard, but try not to take it personally. Like every teenager, your daughter is trying to figure out exactly what she needs. By doing your best to ensure that she has a safe place to stay and making an effort to have an honest relationship, you have done so much. Just give her time...although it may take a few years.

On another note, if your children's behavior changed very abruptly, something traumatic may have happened that they are too ashamed to share with you. Consider offering them an opportunity to talk to a psychologist who will be impartial and confidential so they can talk about what is truly bothering them.

Lastly, if you still feel a lot of pride about not seeking out help, I urge you to let it go. At the end of the day, what most people want is to feel needed. Give them the gift of letting them help you. I wish you the best!

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