Wednesday, February 06, 2013
Last night I had a great conversation with a friend of mine... I think it lasted around 3 hours. She sure is something else- huge motivator, inspirational with her spiritual values, and a great parent! Not too much to do with me losing weight, but she gave me a lot of insight about finding the right spiritual path for myself and looking at my life as a whole. She encourages and motivates me to be a better person. So thankful to have her in my life.
So last night and today I did a lot of thinking...and researching. I've been really focused on my healthy lifestyle, including my spirituality. I have a lot of anger built up from the loss of my "second" mom 4 1/2 years ago to a rare form of gallbladder cancer. That cancer affects the Asian population and mostly males over 60 years of age. SHE was 45 and was Italian/Caucasian. I lost complete faith and hope after I lost her. She left her family too soon, including a daughter who was a sophomore in high school and a son that was in 7th grade. 4 1/2 years later, I still have a huge whole in my heart from losing her. As much as I have tried in the past to tell myself she is in a "better place" or she is looking down on us all as an Angel... I instead find myself questioning the faith I had before her diagnosis and death. I have a hard time making sense of this all.
...After talking with my friend, Mary, last night, I *think* and hope that I am ready to move forward and allow myself to begin my spiritual journey. I'm ready to dive into all the questions that I have-to find answers in the Bible and allow others that are spiritually sound to help support me in my journey. I am ready to start healing and grieving my loss instead of holding so much anger inside. Mary will be going through a Bible Study with me, weekly for 12 lessons. For the first time in 4 1/2 years, I have hope that I can reconnect with God and build a relationship with Him again. To find peace with losing my dearest Carmella. That I am ready to move forward, never forget, but be able to finally say goodbye. I know, deep down, that is what she would want me to do. She was at peace when she passed. She had so much faith in God, that this was part of God's plan for her. I miss you, Carmella!
I've also started to see a psychologist. I saw her today, for my second visit. I unleashed a lot of my angry thoughts about the loss of Carmella that I have bottled up for the past 4 1/2 years. I also talked about another personal situation that I have struggled with for the past 12 years that I am ready to "let go" and be at peace with my decisions over the years regarding this. For the past 10 years, I thought that this would all just go away; that I would be able to push aside the trauma that I have dealt with. I also have realized that I can't do that without help. And I am SO glad that I am seeing the psychologist. I told her after last week, that just getting things off my chest, even if I sounded so scatterbrained and jumped from one moment in time to another over the course of these 12 years, has helped tremendously. It's such a relief to have talked about it, knowing that I am getting myself the help I need to live a more healthy life. This trauma and my loss, takes me to deep places and stress that I have endured on a daily basis. When I would get to those dark places, I would have an attitude of "not caring" and eat my sorrows away.
I am excited to start my new journey with God! I am excited to go through this process with my psychologist to learn the proper techniques and coping skills to better my well being. I know this road will come with bumps, train wrecks, and lots of pain, but I will continue to move forward and work through this. I know that I will also go through a lot of happiness and goodness by going through this.
I would like to end this blog entry with part of Mariah Carey's lyrics--to say to Carmella!
"I never knew I could hurt like this... And everyday life goes on like:
I wish I could talk to you for awhile...
Miss you but I try not to cry...As time goes by.
And it's true that you've reached a better place;
Still I'd give the world to see your face.
And I'm right here next to you but it's like you're gone too soon!
Now the hardest thing to do is say Bye Bye..."
I will continue to think about you every day and keep your memory alive!
...Until we meet again!... I love you!