Saturday, July 16, 2011
Woke up at 7:30 this morning; usually wake up at 5 am, which makes walking easy to fit into the day. My daughter and her husband are coming this weekend to visit for my birthday. They live 2 hours away, but I have not seen them in 6 months. My daughter suffers from a depression problem, I am not exactly sure what it is, but even when she was little, she could not make friends at school, would fly into rages, yet was a model student. I am just grateful she is alive and she has a good husband. I never know what kind of mood she will be in. Usually when they come to visit, it is really nice, and they used to come once a month. I was planning to visit her, but all sorts of things have gone wrong, so she may feel slighted from my end, too. 2 hours is not that far away, but for me to drive it by myself really would be hard. I was planning to take a train trip to visit them and stay overnight, but first she went into a bad depression, then she got sick, and now it is 102 degrees where she lives, and then it seems like all the days are filled with my mothers needs, doctors and things, and to find two days free is not easy. I really love my daughter, and I have spent many sleepless nights worrying about her.
Friday, July 15, 2011
The only time my kids seem to call me is when they want something. Awhile back I desperately needed help with my mom after she fell, was hospitalized, and there was just so much to do. I even offered to pay one daughter to come once a week to help out, and she just ignored me. They are 35 and 38. This daughter does not work, and has absolutely nothing she has to do. It just boggles my mind that she would not help after I gave them a large sum of money to buy a house. Now that my mom is too old to host family birthday parties, couldn't one of my kids do it? I will be 66 on July 20 and I refuse to do my own party!!! (the last few years I actually did!!) So, finally, my other daughter, whom also got money from me for a house, is doing a family party for me, but she seemed a bit unwilling because she asked me if she could just bring food to my house!!! No, I do not want to deal with the set up and clean up. Gee whiz!!!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
After thinking about my kids, I realize when I was their age, I was pretty selfish too. Age does bring understanding and willingness to help. And it is perfectly normal; I think it was Carl Jung who talked about stages of life and the ages of 25-50 the person has to do everything they can to become themselves, establish identity. Then later a person can let it go and be there more for other people. So, hopefully by the time I need help, my children will be in a different space.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Whoops, did not do an entry for Wednesday? Trying to be consistent. Had a great day in Sonoma and Napa Valley; wonderful big lunch, and so had salad for dinner.
Today, I need to go to the museum; instead of driving, I will walk in keeping with my desire to cultivate a walking habit.
My mom always had a membership and we let it lapse because after all, she cannot go by herself anymore, she has to be with me and I have a membership. But she misses getting the newsletters in the mail, and I realize the expense of it is worth her sense of self. I am learning so much about old age, which will be upon me before I know it. And, all I am learning is incredibly sad --the worst part is losing your identity. Very hard to put a good spin on it. And, to be honest, I seriously doubt my kids do for me as I have done for my mom. They are just too selfish. Not to be negative, but in general, I and my entire generation have spoiled our kids. My mom and dad and folks in their generation did not, because of their experiences with the Great Depression. No one is right or wrong here, it is just consequences of how we were all raised. What I am saying is they raised us a certain way because of their early lives being so difficult. I raised my kids a different way because of my early life, not being as hard. Also, the society in general influences all of us as we are growing up.
I do not look forward to growing into my older age. Walking, eating right, having friends -- that is the best preparation I can come up with. But the day will come when I cannot walk, when I cannot buy the food for myself, and my friends will die. I see this now that my mother is 93. I just hope someone will be there to help me the way I am helping my mom.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Went downtown to the Gertrude Stein exhibit at the MOMA. On the way home, I got off the train several stops ahead,and did a great walk. Very pleased with my iphone, which has a gps map and easy to follow directions. Feel very good that I could be in a museum for 2 hours, and still do a great walk!!! Was a bit tired when I got home.
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