Thursday, April 21, 2011
Good afternoon sparkbuddies! Hope you are doing well.
It is not secret to those who know me, I have been struggling. I have been working out and eating within my calorie limits for the most part, no perfectly but consistently. I haven't lost a pound in a month. I fixated on the scale, then ignored the scale, then fixated on it again I want to see progress and I want to see it on the scale! No one had noticed that I had lost weight and that of course has made me feel even more discouraged. I entertained the give up option and would dismiss it quickly. Failing would be giving up.
Today, I shared with a friend of mine about how frustrated I am with my lack of movement with the scale and how hard I was working out. I shared about how I didn't make my mini weight loss goal for April and how disappointed I was that I couldn't make that little goal. Her response was "maybe you just can't lose the weight, maybe you have lost all you can" I looked at her face and she was not kidding. She then talked about how I have been heavy for so long and yo yo-ing up and down for so long, I may have damaged my metabolism. She said your age is a factor, you are not 20 anymore either. I don't know if that stuff is even true but the fact that she said I probably can't do it really hurt my feelings
I told her that I believed I could do it, that I had to stick it out and just trudge through this rough time and what she said hurt my feelings. I wanted encouragement from her. She then said "Well you can't convince me that you can lose that much weight but it seems like you have convinced yourself you can do it" She said she didn't want me to get my hopes up and then be devastated when I couldn't do it, that she has seen me hurt so much over so many things, she couldn't raise my hopes in this situation.
This conversation really hit me when I got home today. She said that I had convinced myself that I could do it. The thing is, until that moment, I had been hoping others could convince me that it was going to happen when in fact I need to be actively believing I can make my goals and I can do this. What a simple thing to do but it is so hard for me. I have never had success in this area of my life but it doesn't mean I won't have success now.
I thought I need to focus on the good things I am doing and put less emphasis on the scale. So I came home and took my measurements. I was stunned.
I have lost 8 inches in my waist alone since I began this amazing journey in January.
That is progress and it is tangible!
I don't have all this figured out but I do know, I have to keep plugging away at it and I need to be good to myself, be nice to myself. I wouldn't treat a friend badly, I shouldn't do that to me either.
Thank you for listening, I know that I am so slow to learn things and even then, I don't learn them and need you to tell me all over again. Thank you for your patience with me.
I am thankful for you and your support!
Wednesday, April 06, 2011
I am so discouraged this morning I thought I better blog and get it out and then move on.
The scale is definitely stuck, not one person has noticed that I have lost weight, no one. I am wearing one size smaller in jeans and I am feeling better about myself and about the way I look. Not great but better.
I feel that I am so big that people don't notice 25 pounds gone? Or just maybe I was super good at hiding that 25 pounds from others Who knows? I need to focus on how I feel and that I need to go forward and not give up.
I have been exercising more than I ever have in my whole life, this is a big deal. However, I don't think it is enough for this body. I need to do more. The scale is not moving, I am staying in my calorie range during the week anyhow
I literally have to say to myself out loud, don't give up, you can do this but it is really really hard. Hubby can eat anything he wants and in huge quantities and look absolutely amazing. It makes me feel like I am being punished and cheated when I see him eating the goodies etc. Then on the weekends, I give in to some of that stuff and the cycle is of healthy and what is best for me is broken. We are with family, with Sophie and I just lose it and eat the stuff that is not the best for me. ugh
I haven't fallen off completely, I work real hard during the week and sometimes I only eat bad things for one meal on Sunday or something so I am improving but still stuck. And of course the scale is not forgiving to me. One bad meal will set me back a week in terms of the scale. My metabolism is so slow. So I need to exercise more and harder. I have been using just dance 2, zumba and walking every night. My body is not changing enough with these things, I need more.
Today I am bumping up my exercise to a program called Turbofire. I watched an infomercial about it four or five times and shrugged it off. A friend of mine tried it and it helped her maintain a healthier outlook because she was working so hard she didn't want to blow it with food. I read reviews about it and finally I purchased the program and watched the intro dvd this morning. These moves are hard and it is a heavy workout. I will be doing the low impact version as I have a very bad knee . They also have a diet you can follow but right now, I am going to just attempt to do the moves which will be hilarious but I figure if I am moving most of the time, I am doing good! right?
I am so done being the fat girl! I need to do whatever I can to change my mindset so I can change this body and live my best life possible. I don't want to give up! I really want this! I don't want my body size and weight to limit me in my life. I want to feel good about how I look, I want to be healthy!
Thank you for reading. I know I am a broken record. I want to learn how to change and telling you my buddies about what is happening, I can be held accountable to my commitment to myself.
I appreciate you!!! I am so thankful for my sparkfriends, you are such an inspiration to me. Have a fabulous day!
My Glen baby and I at the beach in Carmel California
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Hi Buddies! I have been sick with an antibiotic resistant urinary tract infection and it has been so fun, NOT! Anyhow, I am feeling better now and getting back into my exercise routine, yay!!
Yesterday I had a bit of a challenge. I went to the store and bought a box of hot tamales. Of course, I bought other things but this was the highlight of my shopping trip I have been craving hot tamales for a week maybe longer.
I intended to eat a "serving" of hot tamales which is 20! That should do it, and I needed to just portion those out and eat them slowly and be happy. Could I do that? No! I ate the whole box one portion of 20 at a time
Needless to say, I had a whole lot of guilt over it right after I did it and today. No guilt during though, I was having the time of my life gorging on hot tamales.
Today is a new day, get back up and get moving! Leave those hot tamales in the past I cannot give up!
Have a great day!! Remember YOU are worth it!
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