Wednesday, February 22, 2012
I weighed in higher at 175.3 again. I was a bit depressed. So, yesterday I set a commitment to go without sugar for 1 day. How hard could be one day be? I lost by 12:30 yesterday. I lost again today by 1:40 pm. I know I am better than this, so why am I purposely sabotaging my own efforts?
After some time for reflection, I realized that I don't want to be judged, for good or for bad. People are too kind to come out and say "MY, you are getting plump!" But, the comments surely come in when I lost weight! They would say, "You are being so good!" (Little did they know.) Or ask, "What kind of program are you doing, because that never worked for me..." (Is that to make me feel guilty?) But the two that hurt the most was the one from my doctor (who got me to start my weight loss journey the first time) who said,"I am beginning to think you are anorexic" I was only down to 150 and I was proud of my efforts. And the one from my husband, "I don't like skinny girls".
So, I realized the harder I try to lose weight or keep my goals, I am also putting more and more obstacles in my own way to "prove" that I can't do it. I don't blame my coworkers for bringing in the delicious cinnamon bread - I am the one that chose to eat it. I just don't know how to get past the hurt and stop hurting myself.