Tuesday, August 03, 2010
I should not have weighed myself after the great day I had yesterday but I did. And gained 2.5 lbs. in like one day. So that put me in a bad mood.
Then I decided that instead of calling all these golf courses and asking for donations that I would go in person like I do when I contact retailers. Big mistake.
These country clubs and private courses intimidated me so much. I know nothing about golf and had to ask my boss what he meant when I should hit these places for foursomes to action off at our fundraiser. I drove into these incredibly luxorious courses in the richest parts of the neighborhood, had no idea where to go or who to speak to (no front desk? How do you even pay for a game or membership?) and everywhere I looked there where these signs that said "MEMBERS ONLY" The only human life I saw was old white men with gold watches and an occasional hispanic person cleaning.
I'm not stereotyping, this was my experience. I got so nervous and felt so out of place I turned around and left without speaking to anyone at either of the first two clubs and gave up after that.
And then I got mad that I should be made to feel intimadated. I felt like a little girl not allowed in they boys only club treehouse, but instead I was poor and not allowed in the rich person club. Unless I had a mop.
Andd then I was mad at my boss for sending me. he should know I wasn't the right person for the job if I had to ask what a foursome was.
And then I got mad driving to the admin building because roads were closed from flooding.
I turned around and went home.
I tried to do something positive about the weight I gained by going on my bike for an hour.
My post workout snack was an entire box of fruitsicles, three (albeit small) chocolate bars, and then dinerr was two hotdogs, half a bag of chips and an entire bowl of cherries because I was still mad over being intimidated by the rich country clubs.
And I haven't heard back from what was a promising job lead, it sounded like I might at least get an interview. But then, my own bank that i work at doesn't think I'm qualified to interview for a head teller position even with four years management experience and a business degree with a 4.0 GPA.
I thought not tracking calories would help me not to binge when these days happen but I guess not because my stomach hurts and that is the only reason I'm not still eating.
argh, so angery now. And why doesn't my boyfriend do ANYTHING to try and make me feel better? A little foot rub? A small bunch of flowers? Hell, even FOOD would be good. If he brought home a sundae from McD's it may be enabling but it would make me feel better to the point that that would be the ONLY thing I ate, I bet. Three hundred calories of love goes a lot farther than 1,500 calories of self pity/anger at the world.
i hate feeling helpless and lonely and that's what I feel now about everything.
I want to be happy, that's all I want. I had it yesterday with my nephew and now it's gone. sigh.
Sunday, August 01, 2010
OK, the no calorie counting seems to be working. I even lost a little weight even though I binged on Monday before commiting to eating without analyzing every little morsel. I've been enjoying icecream, chocolate, smoothies and other little treats since then but in moderation.
But, doing it without calorie counting is probably going to mean slowing down my weight loss goals for these last few pounds, so I readjusted my goals there. I'm taking the Dr. Oz approach and just eating lots of fiber rich food with lean protein and healthy fats. Whole foods are the norm with an occasional treat if I feel like it.
It felt good to have a kid size icecream with my nephew today (pineapple basil sorbet at Whole Foods, in a nice little 2 oz size, just right!) instead of watching him eat and thinking about how good it would taste to have some.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
I've decided that as far as I can remember, I did NOT binge before sparkpeople.
I'm not saying sparkpeople caused the binging, in fact I'm healthier than I've ever been and I owe 100% of that to sparkpeople. But all the calorie counting I think has made me a little *ahem* crazy.
I talk about it a lot, and I take it so seriously. I tried once before for intuitive eating and it didn't work, but I don't think I gave myself a real chance. One month after a year of tracking calories is not a realistic goal.
I'm stopping the calorie counting. When I do count I'm always under anyhow. I need to relax and enjoy some treats. I think the binge is from feeling deprived even if I won't admit it. Add that to some emotional eating and you get a binge.
Time to give intuitive eating another chance.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
OK so for every one thing that I feel negative about, I'm gonna try for a positive.... ready set GO!
Negative #1 - I'm poor. I had to mooch groceries off of my boyfriend tonight. It was humiliating even though I know he doesn't mind. I still don't have a decent pair of summer sandles and my black pants that I have to wear at work have a hole. Since I can't afford cloths I'm thinking I have to patch the $10 pants I got from Target.
Positive Response - You only feel poor because you have less money than you did 5 years ago. Compared to most of the rest of the world you are rich. You can afford anything you want, justs not EVERYTHING you want. You can't afford new clothes because you choose to go out for breakfast once a week with your nephews, and that's OK. You are rich in that you have a loving boyfriend and famliy that are there to help you when you are a little short and that you have done the same for in the past when the situation was reversed.
Negative #2 - I'm 29 and still no signs of having a family of my own or even a wedding for that matter.
Positive Response - You DO have a family and a great one! You're parents, sister and nephews live within 20 minutes and you can see them whenever you want. When I show up I am knocked onto my feet by two little boys yelling "AUNTIE AUNTIE" and have nothing but love for me. My parents and I are on great terms and can spend the enttire day just talking and laughing. My boyfriend loves me and when we get right down to it, a piece of paper and an expensive party won't change things a bit. We have each other and that's all that matters!
Negative #3 - The world is going to hell in a handbasket and things are only going to get worse. The economy will not recover and I'll never have a career. I'll be a college graduate with a 4.0 GPA and make $10 an hour with a debt that will never dissapear. Meanwhile, the planet will slowly die around me as the oil spills, greenhouse effectt and privitizatino of every resource including drinking water destroys all of our resourcse.
Positive response - You can't control these things, but you can control yourself. Recycle, save what money you can, apply for the jobs you can, and just do you're own personal best. I'm healthy and young and anything can happen.
Ok I feel a little better now. #3 is still a toughy though, I hate feeling helpless and that's what #3 is all about.
Be like the cat. Shut your eyes to the world and just CHILL OUT!
Monday, July 05, 2010
OK, my blogs are usually rants about stuff going wrong or things that stress me out, but I thought I'd share something fun with everyone!
I had my DNA analyzed by 23andme recently. My boyfriend got this for me as a gift during a one day sale that brought down the priice of this testing considerably. Basically you spit in a test tube, send it off to the labs, and then in 4-6 weeks you can see your results online!
You learn so much, I learned that my maternaal ancestry originated in Norway (somehow those Vikings made their way to Germany and/or Ireland where my great-great-grandparents are from). I also learned that I have lowered chances of developing melanoma, heart disease and macular degeneration but an increased risk of developing lupus and stroke.
Sparkepoeple will be interested to know that this test told me for the most part, I have average risk of developing obesity (can't blame my genes!) and that I will benefit from a mediterrean diest because people with my genes show a decrease in waist size when consuming a dieet rich in good fats!
But here's the real gift from science as I see it- the test also tells you what genetic diseases you are aa carrier for. I found out I'm a genetic carrier of Cystic Fibrosis and Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency. My boyfriend is not a carrier for these or any other disease, but what if we found out he was a carrier for cystic fibrosis also? If we ever decided to have a family we could make a choice. Would we want to bring a child into this world that would likely know much suffering? Average lifespan for this diseas is 35 years. On the other hand, medical advances are always developing and in the near future this disease may be manageable. Or - we could give our love to a child by adopting instead. But we have a choice.
Fortunately, we don't have to make that choice because only one of us is a carrier, but I love that now thanks to science you can know these things and make a choice if you need to.
Cool stuff, huh? :-)
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