CARISSA81   34,097
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Blogging update

Sunday, June 10, 2012

I haven't blogged in forever! I've been on sparkpeople, but not as active as I should be. I'm trying to focus on being more balanced in my weight loss/maintenance. I'm getting married in fall now, and family right after that. I'd like to work dieting out of my life so that I can raise a child without him/her seeing mom track food or complain about pants not fitting. Better to start now than AFTER wedding and baby, I guess.

Reading some of my old posts I realize I'm doing a lot better now, though. I don't think I even realized how stressed out I was! I have and have had a job that I love the past year, and I never realized how much that can help. Just having a full time job I enjoy doesn't just help me deal with my debt, but my self esteem too. Having a routine instead of working multiple crazy part time jobs is great.

That's all, folks!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LINWINAGAIN 8/4/2012 6:45PM

    thanks for the goodie Clarissa! glad to hear you've got it together. congrats on making peace with your life! huggs............


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SWAN47 6/10/2012 3:27PM

    Sounds like it's all coming together and you've learned and achieved a lot through your journey to a healthier YOU... emoticon It's good to take the time and reflect on the past and then continue moving forward taking with you the things that work. Have a great week... emoticon

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I have forgotten the WHY of weight loss.

Monday, April 04, 2011

So..... I've had a tough couple of days. This journey has been very long and after two years I'm finding myself more frustrated then ever. I was reminded of another time when I had a big goal that turned into a situation in which the journey was so difficult that the end result was not worth it. I wanted to be a CPA, applied thinking I was good to go for the exam and was told that I hadn't met the criteria. I was devestated but "persevered" and ended up spending a fortune on another degree only to be told no 18 months later when I AGAIN applied.

So I gave up. But that's an oversimplification. The truth was I became so OBSESSED with this goal that I was making myself miserable and comletely forgot why I wanted a CPA in the first place - to get a better career.

Well, I "gave up" on the CPA and guess what? I have a better career! And I'm more relaxed and happy.

I think I am now doing the same thing with my health. I am obessed with the scale because just like having a CPA is a mark of having a good career having a weight of 128 lbs (my goal that I hit little over a year ago) is a mark of good health. But I don't feel at all healthy. I hate tracking food, I hate weigh ins and I yoyo the same 5-10 lbs each month, sometimes within a week. Yeah, I've gained at my worst 8 lbs. in ONE WEEK.

I think this goal weight has to go where the CPA has gone. Today is that I am putting away the scale, keeping a journal and focusing on what I SHOULD eat and HOW I FEEL. No more 5-6 days of eating 100% to plan and then 3 days of binging and guilt. Each day I will eat to feel my best. If I am hungry, I will have a snack and not worry about going over my calories. If I'm not hungry, I won't eat. I don't HAVE to eat something so I'm not "hungry later" If I'm hungry later, I can eat later. Yeesh. Just typing that I realize how crazy this has become, lol!

This is going to be hard though. I like to quantify things (accounting major, lol!) and measure my success that way. But it's really hurting me so I need to do this for me.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FITMAY 4/5/2011 10:54AM

    Oh! (forgot something after my LOOOOOOOOONG previous post...LOL)
What really works for me about the food choices is this:
Anytime I'll eat I ask one simple question to myself:
Is this food going to bring me life? or is it going to kill me inside? It makes a lot easier to decide WHAT to eat.
More love your way,

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FITMAY 4/5/2011 10:46AM

    I love it Carissa! that is real courage! Do what feels good to you!
Guess what, I have been obese for several years (about 35 LOL)and tried every name it I did it.. even Atkins..I don't even like meat for God sake! and protein liquid expensive diet too...CRAZY! It never worked!!! It was INSANE!Last year when I was at 225 pounds I had a major breakdown... felt like I was in the deepest hole from which I will never come out...

So I GAVE UP. I said to myself... crap with this... I'm going to sing my own song.. So I decided I was going to eat when I was hungry... and I would only eat what I really like to eat... weird me, I like legumes... rice.. lots of veggies.. fruit and eggs... Oh, a miracle happened! I have been losing weight since then... what is most important: I am happy... sometimes I go above the calorie range, so be it... sometimes below... so be it... As you are, I'm all about data, numbers, facts... it complicates everything... It ties you up... I guess we just need to relax...LOL...Let's just take the facts and not attach any particular meaning to them... they are just numbers...let's just be guided by our feelings... If you feel good... really good... then it's FINE...You can be the best YOU no matter what the scale, or the calorie range... or the journal says...
Just be the best YOU and be HAPPY!
Much love,
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MUGGLE_MOM 4/5/2011 7:22AM

    Carissa, I am so sorry that you're having such a tough time right now.
Everyone's journey is unique. Not only that, but its constantly changing. You have to do what work's for you at any given moment. Only you know what need and what will help you. We are here to support you.

Wishing you a smooth transition!

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Is my life turning around?

Thursday, February 10, 2011

I really feel like it is. First my relationship with my boyfriend has made a huge turn for the better after we broke up for a week. We realized we really do love each other and got back together and have been doing great since and even talk about having a family and spending the rest of our lives together.

Now today I just got a phone call offering me a great job, which of course I accepted! It's minutes from home and the pay is good so I can put a dent in that credit card and then work on my student loans. Oh yeah, I can also say good bye to working every Saturday! So not only is my personal life taking a turn for the better, but I can rest easy knowing that when we do commit to each other I won't be going into a marriage burdened with debt that I have to ask my husband to help me with.

I just cannot believe my luck, for the first time in years I really feel that life is looking up for me! The ironic thing is, none of this happened until I accepted the life that I had and make peace with it. When I realized my boyfriend might not love me and made peace with having to go back home to my parents and that I might not (at nearly 30) find a love again at least not one that I would start a family with, he told me that he really did love me and that he wanted to try and work things. We've been much happier since. And then I decided that maybe I was just going to work part-time and be poor my whole life but that it was ok because I was surrounded by people who love and care for me, BOOM! Job offer! Even better - all the decisions that I regretted lead up to me getting this job. I was so sorry I went back to school because of the debt, but during the interview they were so excited to see how much I valued education!

Sorry for long blog, but I'm just so happy now I haven't felt this way in ages! I don't know how long I was laughing and crying after I got that call, but I feel great - and BEST OF ALL - during all this stress (good and bad) I haven't turned to food ONCE and that's how it's staying! Personal, financial and physical health are all lookin' up from here!


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LADYAMELIA 2/13/2011 9:03AM

    Congrats on the new job!

I'm glad things are going well for you. :-)

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LINWINAGAIN 2/11/2011 5:01PM

    (((((Carissa))))) so happy for you! It is not luck! it IS everything you have put into your relationship with your boyfriend and put into your job search and preparing yourself for the life you want! congratulations girlfriend, dreams do come true with a little (or lot) of hard work!

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MAIZEY 2/10/2011 10:22PM

    Be ceratin to take full credit for your accomplishments. You changed things up in your life, pieced together all of your efforts and experiences, and now you are on your chosen path! Woo Hoo! Celebrating for you!

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MUGGLE_MOM 2/10/2011 8:10PM

    Whoooo Hooooo!!!!!

I am so excited for you! I am happy that things are going so well for you. You deserve every single ounce of happiness!!!!


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LILACEOUS 2/10/2011 7:16PM

    Hang in there! There is a rhythm in the universe. Once you surrender to the flow, you slip right into the harmony... as you just documented above. Congrats and keep up the good work!

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Tough times

Thursday, January 06, 2011

Just broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years and feeling really down. Am in the process of taking my necessaries to my parents 2 room condo until I find a place of my own. Have no idea how I'm going to do that on my salary, which is barely $1,000 a month.

I just feel numb. He's the only man I ever loved for any amount of time, much less 5 years. All of my best memories of the last 5 years are with him. I feel embarrassed of all things, because everyone was so sure it would work out and we were perfect for each other. Life sure if full of surprises.

I have to be positive that something good will come my way soon because it's just been so hard. Two years of a disastrous attempt at sitting for the CPA (twice they denied my application over bureaucratic fine print and they lost my case that challenged my qualifications to sit after I spend $30,000 on ANOTHER degree to meet their requirements) and now a failed relationship. The more "good" decisions I make, the worse things get.

Life is full of surprises, I'm just ready for a good one for a change. Time to visit my nephews I think. They're 3 and 4 yrs old and think I'm da bomb! :-) Nothing like a little toddler love to boost your self esteem!

I think I feel worst for my cat though. He was SOOOOOPER happy in our big town house, three floors to run around and no kids or other pets. Now it's back to one room, visiting children and my mom's b*tchy cat that he's afraid of! Poor guy...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MAIZEY 1/6/2011 8:32PM

    Dear Carissa - I feel so sad for you right now. Give yourself time and space to deal with your feelings and to take care of yourself. You may not feel like it right now, but I can see the incredible strength of your character in your post. You will make it through this and come out ahead. Glad to see you posting here. Maizey

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LINWINAGAIN 1/6/2011 7:51PM

    awwwwwwww, Carissa, I'm so sorry! emoticon Hon don't worry about nothing but keeping yourself together! don't blame yourself or him, sometimes it just isn't meant to be, even as hard as that is to swallow. emoticon vent, scream, holler, just don't put the anger on yourself, it's not yours and you don't deserve it! keep reaching out, hang in there girlfriend!

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AIRYELLE 1/6/2011 6:11PM

    What happened? I don't know what to say. I know it feels like good decisions make things worse but maybe in hindsight you may see that they weren't good decisions after all. You are definitely going through a rough patch but I know you are really tough and very sure of yourself. You will find your way.

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Already cried, and it's going to get worse

Thursday, November 25, 2010

So my boyfriend decides to tell me at noon that we're leaving soon to go to Thanksgiving lunch at his parents. LUNCH!? This whole time I've been acting like it's dinnner and he never corrected me. It's even on my calendar in the kitchen 3pm - Thanksgiving dinner.

I hadn't started cooking my vegan dish, and now I'm rushing to finish it. That's not why I was crying though. I thought it was dinner but asked anyhow if maybe we could stop at my sister's house after since they really wanted to see us and he said probably wouldn't be time. His parents do live about an hour away so I figure it's ok, we see my family all the time anyhow it's only Thanksgiving.

But how do we not have time to stop by if we're having lunch at his parents? He's either lazy and doesn't want to drive an extra fifteenn minutes, doesn't care that I get to see my family, was hoping I'd decide to go to theirs without him so I wouldn't be at his, or doesn't like my family period. I'm not sure what's worse.

And now I have to spend the whole DAY with his family, knowing what a better time I'd be having if I was just with my sister, parents and nephews. But he doesn't care. Wont' apologize for not telling me when "dinner" was either.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MAIZEY 11/25/2010 5:20PM

    Sure hope the day got better. Holidays are tricky - not always what we hope. Hang in there.

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SAGELADY2 11/25/2010 2:23PM

    Just calm down, finish your dish and when it's all over (like tomorrow) talk to him honestly about how he feels. Don't start out blaming him or venting to him. Make it so that he doesn't feel cornered or pressured. He may be trying and testing his limits with you and seeing how you react. Today isn't the day to bring it up.

Smile, enjoy yourself and maybe he'll decide there is enough time to visit with your family. I agree it's a lousy thing for him to do, but men have a different way of seeing things than we do. Just be sure to be nice and empathetic. If he feels like you are being a pill just because he'll hold it against you. If you are pleasant, there's nothing he can say or do that says you made the visit awful. Give it a try and have a happy Thanksgiving!

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