Sunday, July 29, 2012
So, I decided to break barriers and go to church today. Somehow, I figured I would feel most comfortable at the BIGGEST church in Birmingham, AL. The Church of the Highlands. Here's a picture.
I went here because of two reasons. One, my mother loved Calvary Assembly ( a megachurch in Decatur AL) and I felt home there. Two, I prefer radical churches that would understand that I don't identify myself as a Christian. I am a Christ believer. Big difference. Trust me.
Anyways, I post this because of a big issue. I saw hundreds of people and felt that they had the bodies that could help the kingdom of God. They are accepted by society. Beautiful women, with beautiful husbands and children. As a fat girl, i've yet to feel real beauty. I feel that I only bring shame to the kingdom. I felt odd, and out of place.
Sometimes, I wonder how God could love me when his very creations label my existence as shameful. An alcoholic and drugie can put on nice clothes, add makeup and hide their sins. I hold my issues with food where everyone can see in pounds. Has ANYONE ever felt the same way? How do you face those thoughts?
But enough of that. I hope you all are great. :D Happy Sunday.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
I have concentrated so hard on getting done with school that I have fallen back into my old ways. Luckily, I still managed to not slip all the way and still have 30 pounds unaccounted for. (yay?)
I'm graduating next week from my university! Now, I have a fat "What now?" hanging over me. Well, now I'm going to take this time (while job hunting everywhere of course ) to finish what I started. I'm ready to pick this back up and finally see what I've been missing for 14 years. So I decided to jump on this site, and seeing my spark friends melted my heart, seriously! (And I am NOT the kind to get that geeked.) I really miss you sparkies. hah. Well, I'm ready to be a productive spark chick again. I'm bringing sexy back!
Let's DO this! :D
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
So I have fell off the planet for a while....and landed in Montevallo. Its my tiny university in the middle of rural Alabama and I've allowed my focus to leave me and zero in on my studies alone. Not. good. I'm walking more everyday on average simply because I refuse to drive my car to class but I have yet to see the frightful damage. I have to re-evaluate and take up measurements and weigh myself tonight. Whatever has been gained back will be very depressing but I've felt so out of place when I lost contact with my friends on here. Its not over yet. As long as I have legs that function, I can still walk this earth as a new person. I just have to get used to these changes in my schedule that come and go. I have to research into that. I have to figure this out.
Monday, August 08, 2011
I don't have any advice or life altering epiphanies today. Its just random typing to get these things out of my head, and I don't happen to have my journal nearby.
I stress myself a lot. Even as I'm sitting here, my mind is cluttered with things that I need to do. I really just hope my aunt doesn't jump on me for something that I did or didn't do as soon as step into the door. It seems to be the norm, and it always hurts more than it helps. It really makes me want to drink. Its just so easy to escape that way.
I have to get my room together, and possibly start to re-organize for my move back on campus. The bathroom needs to be cleaned. I will do that first. Is there a way that I can incorporate cleaning into my workout today? But I still have to take care of things outside of the house. Only I take care of the puppy. My aunt only walks from her car to Costco so that she can fill the house with more junk. Sh!t that we don't need.
There's no food at home. I feel like my aunt gets upset when I bring in food though, or cook. She doesn't like anything that I make usually. But If I just cook for me, she will probably think I'm being selfish. But her food is packed with unneeded calories, sodium, butter, and tons of sugar. She cooks for her tastes and eats almost none of it. Thats what her cookies are for. I don't know what to do. I starve more than I eat. I'm really not happy at home, but I hide it. A lot. "You're home, your room" She says. I haven't felt at home anywhere since mom's death forced me to move. I don't have a home. Not until I get this bachelors that refuses to come to me and move far far away to my own home.
I stress out too much, but it feels uncontrollabe sometimes. People that hurt more than help come near me all the time, and its suffocating. Drinking blocks them all out. But I said this bottle would be the last. Gary is worried. But I'm so scared to let it be the last. What will I do when I want to escape then? What could I do? Sometimes I just want to disappear.
Please God...don't let that woman say anything to me when I get home. I just want to be left alone.
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