CARAMELPHOENIX   2,215
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God....and the fat girl. Help please?

Sunday, July 29, 2012

So, I decided to break barriers and go to church today. Somehow, I figured I would feel most comfortable at the BIGGEST church in Birmingham, AL. The Church of the Highlands. Here's a picture.



I went here because of two reasons. One, my mother loved Calvary Assembly ( a megachurch in Decatur AL) and I felt home there. Two, I prefer radical churches that would understand that I don't identify myself as a Christian. I am a Christ believer. Big difference. Trust me.

Anyways, I post this because of a big issue. I saw hundreds of people and felt that they had the bodies that could help the kingdom of God. They are accepted by society. Beautiful women, with beautiful husbands and children. As a fat girl, i've yet to feel real beauty. I feel that I only bring shame to the kingdom. I felt odd, and out of place.

Sometimes, I wonder how God could love me when his very creations label my existence as shameful. An alcoholic and drugie can put on nice clothes, add makeup and hide their sins. I hold my issues with food where everyone can see in pounds. Has ANYONE ever felt the same way? How do you face those thoughts?

But enough of that. I hope you all are great. :D Happy Sunday.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DEEZILE 2/28/2013 11:24AM

    God said that he is to be worshiped in spirit and in truth. He is looking for obedience to his word and his spirit. God's love is endless without parameters. You are on your way for change but it should define who you are. You are beautifully and wonderfully made. That's what the word says not me!!!!! Let God define you, not man. Please for me.... Don't refer to yourself as Fat Girl. God doesn't see us that way.

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BETHIEBOOPS 8/2/2012 11:58AM

    I get it. But I also believe in a God who loves, forgives and cherishes us. That means you too. We look at the outward appearance of everyone, but God looks at our hearts. Without Jesus, the Bible tells us, that no one is "good" "worthy" or "righteous". We are all gross dirty rags on the inside without Jesus. Sin is sin and it taints us fully.

But with Jesus, we are not only forgiven but also made clean, perfect and wonderful. We're now seen, not as our disgusting selves, but as a clean righteous being worthy of being a child of God.

Your addiction, whether visible or not, is not the matter here. The matter is that we serve a loving God. Our identities can rest in this, instead of our insecurities. emoticon

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NIKKICOLE83 8/1/2012 5:51PM

    I can almost 100% guarantee that no one took issue with you ro your body. They were excited to see a new sister in Christ. I know its hard not to be self-concious but remember there is probably someone looking at you wishing they could be your size.

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BAMAROSE 7/30/2012 3:15PM

  I have felt the same way at times, but I believe that God does love us. Remember that His own creations, as you say, crucifed His son. We all have sin, and it's true that for those of us with food issues, it is more visible. I know TCOTH has a lot of small groups, maybe you can find one that you would feel comfortable in and get to know some people. (I am a member of another church, but know lots of folks who go to TCOTH, and I have visited there several times)

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SHORTTOOTH1 7/30/2012 2:21PM

    My journey started when I was in a church and I felt God call me to loose weight to respect my body. He can help you to reach any goal you set for yourself (assuming it's not against his teachings). All of those beautiful women have kept Christ in their hearts, when they are having weak moments they reach out to him and each other. You can use the same saving grace in your struggle.

Also, you are already a beautiful person. Doesn't the Bible say something about "Judge not, lest ye should be judged"?

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X5X52000 7/29/2012 9:26PM

    emoticon

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DIET_FRIEND 7/29/2012 4:53PM

    I have become pretty self-concious about my size too. We overweight people cannot hide as you mentioned as other groups can.

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Oh How I Miss You So. Bittersweet.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Dear Sparkies,
I have concentrated so hard on getting done with school that I have fallen back into my old ways. Luckily, I still managed to not slip all the way and still have 30 pounds unaccounted for. (yay?)

I'm graduating next week from my university! Now, I have a fat "What now?" hanging over me. Well, now I'm going to take this time (while job hunting everywhere of course ) to finish what I started. I'm ready to pick this back up and finally see what I've been missing for 14 years. So I decided to jump on this site, and seeing my spark friends melted my heart, seriously! (And I am NOT the kind to get that geeked.) I really miss you sparkies. hah. Well, I'm ready to be a productive spark chick again. I'm bringing sexy back!

Let's DO this! :D






  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

X5X52000 7/26/2012 10:22PM

    Welcome back and emoticon on the graduation!

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MS_SWEETHEART 7/26/2012 10:45AM

    Let's do it! Welcome back and congratulations on your upcoming graduation! emoticon

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SPARKLE1908 7/25/2012 9:54PM

    Congratulations on your upcoming graduation!!!!!! Welcome back!!!

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HEALTHY1JESS 7/25/2012 6:42PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
Wow, my friend! Congrats on your upcoming graduation! That is priority number one (especially in this economy). Get your degree straight, get your job-hunting on, and then get this health-thing on. You CAN do it!

I'm so proud of you!!!!

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And, YES, I've missed you and am so glad to hear from you!!!
I am right by your side in this health journey!
~Jess
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PLATAS0827 7/25/2012 6:41PM

    Welcome Back!!! And Congratulations on graduating!

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SBNORMAL 7/25/2012 6:10PM

  Welcome back, Welcome back, sung like the old Mr Kotter show!!

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I'm the Prodigal Sparkie! lol

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

So I have fell off the planet for a while....and landed in Montevallo. Its my tiny university in the middle of rural Alabama and I've allowed my focus to leave me and zero in on my studies alone. Not. good. I'm walking more everyday on average simply because I refuse to drive my car to class but I have yet to see the frightful damage. I have to re-evaluate and take up measurements and weigh myself tonight. Whatever has been gained back will be very depressing but I've felt so out of place when I lost contact with my friends on here. Its not over yet. As long as I have legs that function, I can still walk this earth as a new person. I just have to get used to these changes in my schedule that come and go. I have to research into that. I have to figure this out.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HEALTHY1JESS 10/15/2011 6:28AM

    Heard this song on the radio this morning as I got ready to head into school for some weekend catch-up work, and I thought of you!!!!

The glow that the sun gives
Right around sunset
Helps me realize
This is just a journey
Drop your worries You are gonna turn out fine.
Oh, you'll turn out fine.
Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine.

But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.
you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.

I know it's hard, know its hard,
To remember sometimes,
But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.
I've got my hands in my pockets,
Kickin these rocks.
It's kinda hard to watch this life go by.
I'm buyin in the skeptics,
Skeptics mess with, the confidence in my eyes
I'm seeing all the angles, starts to get tangled
I start to comprimise
My life and the purpose.
Is it all worth it, Am I gonna turn out fine?

Oh, you'll turn out fine.
Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine.
But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.
you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.
I know it's hard, know its hard,
To remember sometimes,
But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.


LOVE YOU, GIRLIE!!!! Keep your head up!!! :-D emoticon

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HEALTHY1JESS 10/12/2011 3:00PM

    Welcome back, friend! I've missed you, my dear, and I'm so glad you're back! Seriously. Move forward with a healthier you. You are SO worth it!!! emoticon

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Come with me to the Emerald City...for pumps!

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Last weekend was "tax-free weekend" for all clothes and school supplies. So naturally.....I head to the Galleria and bought shoes!! I really needed some. lol I swear...

Skip with me (or drive lol)....to the land of Oz! Where all of your sale dreams come true!




.....me. lol

I went to Macy's....Sephora....Back to Macy's....to Nine West (had an awesome sale!!!!)...Then back to Macy's lol. My legs were killing me! (I shouldn't had worn those mule wedges) But sooooo worth it!

The shoes that made my line up.....


Nine West's Flambeau Slingback Platform Pumps
(REALLY comfortable for platform pumps!)



Nine West's Taupe Grigio Wedges (orig. 250 bucks! I got them for around $35)



Nine West's Grangir Cork Wedge Sandals
These are sooooo comfortable, I wore them to work today.



Guess Hondola Platform Pumps (My new sweetheart surprised me and bought these for me) :)
Honeeyy...you can't wear these if you don't want to see your man do a double take!



I had a blast....it was nice getting out of the house and it was all good fun!
Oh yeah! I also bought a few things from Kat Von D's makeup line.


Kat Von D


At original prices, I would have spent over 600 easy...but the sales were so phenomenal along with the tax break (and my boo. lol) . I only separated about 200 from my pocket. Not bad!







If you're doing well diva....don't forget to treat yourself!! :D




  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LESLIELENORE 8/11/2011 1:25PM

    Sounds like a lot of fun! I love the shoes! Thanks for sharing them with us.

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MS_SWEETHEART 8/9/2011 10:16PM

    LOVE THEM, LOVE THEM, LOVE THEM! emoticon emoticon

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CARAMELPHOENIX 8/9/2011 11:46AM

    LOL! Thanks...you're so silly....

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HEALTHY1JESS 8/9/2011 11:38AM

    So true! You deserve to treat yourself. Sexy, sexy shoes! I wouldn't survive an hour (okay, even 30 mins.) in the classroom with any of them, but if you got it, flaunt it (and if you can wear them, wear them! My stubby feet were made for, um, just sneakers and loafers I think).

Thanks for sharing your shopping day with us!!! :-D

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Stuck

Monday, August 08, 2011

I don't have any advice or life altering epiphanies today. Its just random typing to get these things out of my head, and I don't happen to have my journal nearby.

I stress myself a lot. Even as I'm sitting here, my mind is cluttered with things that I need to do. I really just hope my aunt doesn't jump on me for something that I did or didn't do as soon as step into the door. It seems to be the norm, and it always hurts more than it helps. It really makes me want to drink. Its just so easy to escape that way.

I have to get my room together, and possibly start to re-organize for my move back on campus. The bathroom needs to be cleaned. I will do that first. Is there a way that I can incorporate cleaning into my workout today? But I still have to take care of things outside of the house. Only I take care of the puppy. My aunt only walks from her car to Costco so that she can fill the house with more junk. Sh!t that we don't need.

There's no food at home. I feel like my aunt gets upset when I bring in food though, or cook. She doesn't like anything that I make usually. But If I just cook for me, she will probably think I'm being selfish. But her food is packed with unneeded calories, sodium, butter, and tons of sugar. She cooks for her tastes and eats almost none of it. Thats what her cookies are for. I don't know what to do. I starve more than I eat. I'm really not happy at home, but I hide it. A lot. "You're home, your room" She says. I haven't felt at home anywhere since mom's death forced me to move. I don't have a home. Not until I get this bachelors that refuses to come to me and move far far away to my own home.

I stress out too much, but it feels uncontrollabe sometimes. People that hurt more than help come near me all the time, and its suffocating. Drinking blocks them all out. But I said this bottle would be the last. Gary is worried. But I'm so scared to let it be the last. What will I do when I want to escape then? What could I do? Sometimes I just want to disappear.

Please God...don't let that woman say anything to me when I get home. I just want to be left alone.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NINNYBUM 8/8/2011 3:53PM

    Oh girl- I hate seeing posts like this from you! You're just too good for it all! I'm sure it's not easy at times- and that it seems like the easy way out is to have a drink or two. But that's almost as bad as me chowing down on a gallon of ice cream if I'm having a bad day (which I haven't done in EVA thanks to y'all). What I'm trying to say is- Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.

Aunty- I really appreciate you making this meal, however, I am really trying to work on my health right now- and these foods are not going to help me. I don't mind cooking for myself. ACtually I think it would be good for me.

OR

Aunty- just a small plate please, I am going to eat a nice big salad along side of this so that I can stay within my calorie range. I am really trying to get healthier, and so I would appreciate your support with this.

Of course this is easier in writing, but you know where I am going with this! Suprise her one day, and find a kick @ss desert recipe on here. Get all the ingredients at the store, and come home to bake. Have her try it, and suggest that this is a better alternative. Even though you LOVE her cookies!

Just don't be afraid to take a stand.

I do everyday.

Today at lunch- everyone laughed at the fact that I was going to travel across the continent for a half marathon- Made me feel really silly about my choice for a minute. Then I put my head up and said, " well you know what, I think it's a great goal, and if it's so funny, I'd like to see all of you join in and keep up. Then we'll see who's laughing." Let's just say, the room got quiet.

You can do this! DO IT FOR YOURSELF!

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DSBRIDE 8/8/2011 3:21PM

    There is a light at the end of your tunnel and that's when you get your degree. However you don't need to wait till then to get started on the right path. First thing is taking care of youself. You have to get rid of that crutch that the bottle brings you. Learning to cope with life the way it is now will help you in the future. Eating healthy will make your body strong. There are a lot of great people on here. Lean on them, that's what we're all here for, to help each other get thru the hard times. You have youth on your side and a big future ahead of you. I wish you great sucess!

Comment edited on: 8/8/2011 3:22:24 PM

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HEALTHY1JESS 8/8/2011 2:16PM

    I'm sorry that your home is not comforting for you. I know and you know that a much brighter future awaits you. You just have to stay on the grind and seek support elsewhere (like school (fellow students, professors, maybe the school has a club that might interest you?) and HERE!!!).

You will rise above your surroundings like the phoenix in your name. I know you can do it.

I'm not sure what to suggest about cooking at home. I think maybe just cook for yourself? Too bad if nobody else likes it. You need to fuel your body because you are indeed worth it.

And I know and you know that alcohol really isn't going to solve anything...it's just an escape, like you said. There are other great escapes out there, though...exercise, books, movies, music, nature (even if it's just staring at squirrels on campus or something). There's a big world out there just waiting for you to seize it.

How long until your degree? What do you need to do to get it? Try to build long-term and short-term goals to get you where you need to be. I'm no expert at that stuff, but I've had some experience or could find somebody else who knows how to help you plan stuff.

Who runs the world? Girls. And YOU, specifically, Sharon. You GOT THIS!!!!!
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BECOMING_HOLLY 8/8/2011 1:54PM

    emoticon

You need to eat! There always will be someone trying to get in the way of your happiness- if they realize it for themselves or not. Please, please, please focus on getting all of your calories in.

Cleaning the bathroom will definitely be working out. Get that bathroom cleaner bottle out and do a few dumbbell exercises with it as your are scrubbing the counter with your other arm! Work it out, girl - I know you can.

Please just know if you need to talk or ANYTHING, I am just a click away. I can give you my cell number, too, if that helps.

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