Saturday, October 15, 2011
I finally weighed myself this morning after my month-long pity party. To be honest, I expected the results to be much worse than they were. I weighed in at 160. I was figuring I would be closer to 170 considering the sheer amount of chocolate and candy that I had been consuming on a fairly regular basis. I've been logging my food for the past 4 days (and logging it honestly for the past 2). I took Davis for a nice long walk to today, and carried him for half of it so I could actually get a decent pace going. I don't think he'll ever have the endurance for the kind of walks I like to take (lol) plus we end up stopping every block or so when people want to meet him. Apparently he's ridiculously adorable.
So anyways, I had some really good conversations with my mom this past weekend regarding the whole ring situation and how it's interfering with my goals. It really took a lot of persuading myself to come back to the site and get back on the horse. I think it's because one of the main reasons I joined was to loose weight before the wedding, and since loosing the ring, I haven't wanted to even think about anything that had to do with the wedding. Wednesdays blog helped me purge some of what was going on in my head. Thank-you to Change_4_me for giving me some good perspective :) I'm just going to have to get over it because Christmas is when I'm going dress shopping. And I am not going dress shopping at 160 pounds. Their is much more selection outside of Cape Breton as far as bridal gowns go, so I'll be doing my dress shopping during trips to visit my mom. I don't want to leave it to the last minute since all the fittings and what not will have to be organized around these trips (and it takes 6 hours to drive to my parents!)
So here it is. It's do or die time. 2 1/2 months to get down as close to my goal weight as I can, and keeping up the good work for December 29th 2012!!! I'm going to re-visit my short term, long term and on-going goals and get my positive mindset back.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
It's been 33 days since I gave up.
33 days of eating chocolate and liquorice, french fries and foot long subs with extra mayo. I knew what I was doing. I lost something extremely important to me and I was filling the hole with food.
It's been 33 days since I lost my engagement ring. I took it of to do the dishes and give the puppy a bath. I went to put it back on and it wasn't where I thought I left it. I looked in all the usual spots; on the kitchen island, on my night table in my jewellery box..maybe it was knocked into a drawer- cleaned out all the drawers and cupboards in the kitchen, 1 item at a time.... I did some laundry, maybe it's in the washer or dryer- nope, not their either... now i'm starting to PANIC. I call work and tell them I wont be in until after lunch. I unfolded and re-folded all the laundry in the house, got on my hands and knees with a flash-light on the floor, looked underneath the stove, fridge and microwave stand. Found some super-human strength and moved the stove, fridge and microwave stand by myself to look underneath.
Now I'm lost. I'm sure it was in the kitchen.. I call my mom, sobbing. She lives 600 km's away so it's not like she can do anything about it. She tells me to calm down, and we go through all the places I can still look. I go through each garbage and recycling bag one piece at a time. I get on the heavy duty gloves and stick my hand right down the toilet, nothing there. My poor little puppy is following me around the house this whole time, looking quite concerned. I look down at him and MORE PANIC! What if it fell on the floor and he swallowed it? He's only 1 1/2 pounds, there's no way he could pass that ring! Into the crate he goes and off the vet we run for an emergency x-ray.. it's not inside the puppy either.
This whole time I'm thinking "this is all my fault. I skipped going to the gym this morning to get the chores done, and this is my punishment".
I head to work, I'm on the verge of a break down. I still have the puppy with me so I call my future mother-in-law to pick him up and babysit for a few hours. I have to tell her what happened, she tears the kitchen apart also- nothing.
It's been 33 days. All the drains have been searched, missing ad's have been posted on-line, in the local newspaper and on the radio stations. Rewards have been offered.
Everyone wants to see my beautiful ring, and I don't have it. My fiancÚ (Gord), the love of my life, asked me to be his bride and gave me a beautiful symbol of his intentions AND I LOST IT.
I truly hated myself for two weeks and I've been punishing myself for 33 days. I feel like I don't deserve to be a bride, I don't deserve my health and I especially don't deserve Gord. I cant look at anything to do with weddings without getting upset and verging on tears. I haven't been on a scale in 33 days. I've randomly tried to track over the past month, but I always end up seeking solace in food.
I've put my breakfast in this morning, it was a healthy breakfast. I know I need to do this, but I'm having the hardest time forgiving myself and moving forward. I'm stuck in that saturday morning and I'm struggling to move on.
Friday, August 19, 2011
I have a confession to make, I have not been doing very well for the last week.
I went to visit my parents and they threw an engagement party for my fiancÚ and I. Lots of food and booze, very little self control. I ate with reckless abandon all weekend, and when we got back to Cape Breton we ordered a pizza and I ate a full 1/2 of a large pizza.
I didn't want to procrastinate on going back to the gym for a week like I did the last time I went to visit my parents, so I got up early the next morning and went before work. That was Wednesday, and I also went on Thursday but I skipped this morning and folded 2 loads of laundry instead (still got up early though!)
I haven't been completely faithful with my tracking. I've been dishonest, and I feel like I'm cheating myself and my fellow sparkers. I didn't track for a full 5 days, and when I started tracking again, I would track until I hit my calorie limit for the day, and then continue to eat and neglect to track! SOOOOO counter-productive. I feel guilty. I'm cheating, and in a sense I am lying by not tracking honestly. I haven't weighed myself (mostly because I don't want the disappointment) but my reward for reaching 150 arrives tomorrow whether I've reached my goal or not. I've been waiting for this puppy my whole life! I'm hoping that he will demand so much of my attention and love that I will be completely distracted from emotional eating.
So I need to re-visit my priorities and get back to basics. I don't have another trip to visit my folks planned for the next couple of months, so I'm going to use this time to get settled in a productive routine.
I'm going to share my ideas and priorities here to help keep me accountable.
In no particular order (because I consider all these things to be of equal importance...)
*Get a firm hold on my health (especially eating and exercise habits)*
-Get to the gym at least 4-5 times a week, preferably in the morning before I loose all motivation and become a couch lump.
-Stop emotional eating! Boredom and stress are my biggest enemies. I need to be occupied and well organized to keep me from raiding the kitchen.
-Pay attention to other aspects and areas of my health.
1. Manage my allergies more efficiently. I know I have to keep the house very clean in order to be as comfortable as possible. Not that we live in a pig sty or anything, but I should be vacuuming and dusting every 3rd day to be able to keep the asthma down, and the itchy eyes, nose, throat and skin from bothering me.
2. Stop forgetting to take my pills! Worst thing for my health. I have panic disorder and I'm on medication to keep my anxiety levels manageable. When I forget to take the meds, I get irritable, suspicious, emotional and PANICKED! While this isn't the best for me, my poor fiancÚ get very confused about how to handle all this. Not good for either of us.
*Provide the best care and training for Davis, our new puppy*
-I've always been allergic to EVERYTHING! Anything with fur, feathers, dust, trees, grass, pollen, smoke, perfume, certain foods, antibiotics... I could keep going but I'll spare you the rest. Well, a friend of mine got a Yorkshire Terrier, and it turns out that I can tolerate the breed fairly well (compared to other breeds of dogs, I've had some pretty bad reactions in the past). I did a ton of research, spent a lot of time with the breed, spent a lot of time thinking about it and decided to take the plunge and get a puppy. Davis arrives tomorrow, and I want to be the best puppy parent I possible can. He's got his vet appointment booked, I've read as much as I can about training techniques and I'll be taking him to obedience classes in the fall. I'm going to finish puppy-proofing the house tonight, and I'll probably be to excited to sleep. :)
*Be completely supportive and encouraging to my fiancÚ, who is going back to school in a few weeks*
-I'm so proud of him. He's been out of school for almost 15 years and has decided to go back and pursue a career that he's been interested in since high school. Having just finished school last year, I know what he's in for. He will still be working part time, and having done the work/school thing myself, I know how difficult this can be. I want to do all that I possibly can to make these next few years as stress-free as I can, at least on the home-front. I want him to be able to focus as much energy as he needs on school. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, moral support, hugs and a calm home; I'll provide as much of this as I possibly can.
So, that is what I am going to be focusing all my energies on for the next little while. I've decided to make Christmas this year a check in point to revisit these priorities and see how I'm doing. I'll be checking in with updates to keep me faithful and accountable.
After christmas, I'll be adding wedding planning to the priorities, so I better be organized by then!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
I guess this qualifies as a rant :P
Women... we seem to bo our own worst enemy. I just read a fellow sparker's blog post detailing a history of self-loathing and self destructive behavior fueled by the belief that women need to be thin to be successful... not only to be successful, but to be acceptable. To meet the minimum requirements expected by society.
Reading her blog made me feel angry. Not at her, but at the fact that I know she is not in the minority. I've heard so many women berate themselves over their weight. "I can't wear a bikini, no-one wants to see my fat thighs", "I love low-rider jeans, but I've got to get rid of this muffin top", "I hate wearing tank-tops, my arms are so jiggly." These comments aren't from my best girlfriends, or close family members. I would overhear this on a daily basis when I worked in retail. A lot of women HATE at least some part of their body. It's become so common place for women to insult themselves, we do it in public. We try and get other to agree with us, to validate our insecurities.
Why are we doing this to ourselves?? It's insane!
I feel that the media has a lot to do with it... all those airbrushed images of perfect, beautiful woman. They are portrayed as the norm, and as with anything, if you see something and hear something often enough, you will start to believe it. I've only recently begun to really scrutinize the way women are portrayed in the media, as opposed to just blindly accepting what is presented to me.
For example... My friend had the new Victoria Secret catalogue and I was flipping through looking for a 'goal outfit'. I was checking out the bikini's, and after a few minutes I realized that I wasn't looking at the bikini's anymore, I was looking at the models. Then I became aware of how I felt about these models. They look really REALLY young... like if I saw these girls on the beach in these bathing suits, I would probably be uncomfortable with the fact that they are 15 and wearing a leopard print, push up miracle boob string bikini. Now I don't consider myself a prude or anything, but I think that their are more acceptable bathing suits for a 15 year old.
It's not just the media's fault, we also do it to ourselves. We buy into this idea that we need to look 'perfect', and if we don't look 'perfect' we should be doing our darnedest to get there, health and happiness be damned! We bitch with our girlfriends and co-workers about everything we dislike about our bodies. We refuse to wear a certain style because it makes us feel 'fat'.
We are bombarded with these images that we are constantly comparing ourselves to and I've decided that I don't like it. I got I got caught up in the idea of the "ideal" woman the last time I lost weight, and I was very unhappy with myself. My obsession with perfection totally diminished all of my weight loss accomplishments. Instead of celebrating the approx. 70 pounds I lost, my return to a healthy weight and my ability to buy clothes from regular clothing stores, I was completely focused on the now saggy skin, the small fat deposits still left on my thighs and the thought that this was the only things that other people would notice about me.
So what do I do about this? As of right now, I'm banning the phrases "I'm fat", "I feel fat" or any variation of that from my vocabulary. I'm not going to let my friends gripe about their insecurities around me, and pull me into the negative conversation. I will focus on being healthy and happy, and try to bring this attitude to my friends and family.
We can't change our surroundings, but we can change the way we perceive them. Our circumstances are not what define us, it's how we perceive them and react that does.
Friday, July 22, 2011
I'm gonna put it out there.
I have some deep seeded body image issues.
Photo's prior to 2004- There aren't very many. At nearly 200 pounds, I certainly didn't seek out opportunities to be in pics. I was embarrassed by how I looked, and after years of being told I needed to loose weight, to change my eating habits, forced into exercise ect... my self esteem levels were pretty low.
Photo's circa 2006- Somewhere in the previous 2 years, I lost 65 pounds. Strangely enough, I still think I'm fat. I've gone from a size 18 to a size 4 or 5, and all I can think about is how gross my thighs are. I'll bet if I loose 10 more pounds, my thighs will look a lot better,
photo's circa 2008- I've gone through a life-altering break down of the 6 years relationship I was in.. moved halfway across the county, and back in with my parents. Gained back about 10 pounds and feel disgusted with myself. Who's going to want a chubby reject like me? I hit the gym, try out "clean eating" and attempt to date..
*funny enough, these are the pics I look at now and think, YES! That girls looks healthy! Attractive!! That's what I want!*
Late 2008- I'm going to go back to school! I don't need a man, I need a career! I don't ever want to have to move back in with my parents again because I cant support myself without someone else's help!!
2009- I start seeing my fiancÚ. An old friend from an old life that I thought I had left behind. As it turns out, he's got a lot more to offer than just his friendship. I try and keep my distance, I really don't want to be in a serious relationship... I have to focus on school, and "fixing" all the things that are wrong with me.
But what can you do? I fall totally and unconditionally in love with this guy! Yeesh! What the heck is up with that?
Here's another funny thing... I've started to realize that this unconditional love I have for him, I'll bet he feels that way about me! He says he does anyways... But wait! Shouldn't I feel that way about myself also? Why can't I appreciate all the great things about me? I respect his opinion, and he seems to think pretty highly of me....
Photo's circa 2009 to present- smiling a little more sincerely... actually enjoying myself in social situations. I'm not worried that others are judging me for having fat thighs, or the wrong opinion. I'll bet people have better things to worry about than my muffin top! I'll enjoy a whole plate of nachos because I want to! I like my new job, I'm happy in my relationship, lets all celebrate!!
well, I celebrated to the tune of 30 pounds, and now I feel that I need to bring a balance to my life. Something novel to me, everything in moderation. I want to live a healthy lifestyle for my own happiness, for my fiancÚ and for our future family.
Remembering where I came from, but only moving forward.
Perception is everything, and I refuse to disrespect myself anymore.
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