Saturday, July 12, 2008
by Sarah N. James
The loneliest thing I know
As I sit recalling the past
A lost little girl all alone
Wishing for peace at last
A big smile and bright blue eyes
Was how my secret safely slept
I did good hiding the depression
Locked in my room while I wept
I was invisible to my mother
Lost because acquaintances weren't true friends
But the saddest thing I recall
Was wishing for the end
The loneliest thing I know
Used to be myself
And I probably wouldn't have made it
If my friends hadn't helped
Monday, June 30, 2008
As part of my action step last week I was supposed to blog about why I emotional eat and the reasons behind it
I've been thinking about but putting it off because some of the reasons are difficult to talk about and are very personal. I'm sure, there are many different reasons but one certainly stands out.
When I was 17 and thin and pretty, I was raped by my friends older cousin (31 at the time). It's very complicated but I blamed myself for what happened even though intellectually I knew it wasn't my fault at all. But deep down, I still believed I was partly at fault, and only recently with specific therapy for sexual trauma victims, I came to really believe that I am not to blame one little bit and that he took something from me that I didn't want to give. At the time of the incident I told one person and they didn't seem to believe me, so from then on I didn't speak of it believing that no one would really believe me, as happens with many victims.
In more recent years, I have told certain people, and have had more positive results, but it still affects my life and my relationships.
With regards to eating and subsequently gaining weight over the years, I think I did that subconsciously so that I would be unattractive and not encourage any sexual advances from men. I used my weight as a barrier between me and what happened to me, and to isolate myself from any positive attention, possibly also to punish myself for what happened to me still believing I was partly to blame.
Since the trauma group, which also deals with PTSD, I've grown and decided to take back control of my life, including my mental and physical health. I still suffer from anxiety, depression, and PTSD from the rape but also some other traumatic events that occurred afterwards, but I am making positive changes in my life, and losing weight by watching what I eat and exercising regularly and joining this site is part of those positive changes. I'm still in therapy, group and individual, and am a "work in progress" but getting closer bit by bit to where I want to be.
SparkPeople has been one of the best things I've come across on the world wide web, and has really helped me lose some weight and also been great for encouragement and motivation as well. The teams are great and very understanding and the other Sparkers here are so inspirational and a great support for me.
So there it is, and I want to thank all those who've ever commented on my blogs and/or SparkPage. There are many great people out there in Sparkland!
Sunday, June 29, 2008
There she is, the little one with her group of closest friends.
My little girl has graduated from High School! A happy occasion, and yet a sad one as well as any mother knows.
She looked beautiful and her boyfriend Mike even got all dressed up for her (with a matching tie) for her graduation ceremony. He's graduated already but was there to support her and for our photo ops. As you can see, he's looking good now considering what happened just over a month ago (as reported in previous blogs).
In the picture is all her closest buddies along with Mike and the other young man who was injured on that fateful night, as well as the girlfriend of Cody, who was murdered. She's looking beautiful (in the yellow, white and black dress) and seems to be handling it all very maturely. It's amazing and unfair how all their lives have changed since that fateful night, but they stick together and carry on in memory of their good friend. They even started and gave away the first of scholarship in Cody's memory at the graduation (which will be given away yearly to someone who wants to pursue a career in law enforcement on his behalf).
She had a wonderful time at her after grad dinner and dance at the Hotel Vancouver, then back at the school for the dry grad, where they had a multitude of events planned as well as a variety of food and drinks (non-alcoholic obviously). She was very tired when she returned home the next day and I think she's a bit sick with a cold now.
All in all, it was a great night for her and her proud family, especially me! Next September she's enrolled at college to get her Bachelor of Arts in Psychology.
Congratulations Kayla on your graduation and I look forward to your progress and accomplishments in the future! I love you and I'm so proud of you!
(I've added some more grad pics to my photo gallery on my SparkPage if you're interested)
Sunday, June 22, 2008
It's been a real roller coaster of emotions and last night (and the night before as well) was bad. My daughter was very upset, mostly about how her boyfriend who just returned from a trip to California for a week (school flying trip), wanted to go out with his friends to a club instead of see and spend time with her because that was the best day since she's working today and needs to study for finals next week.
At times I felt like a punching bag and that she is taking out her anger and frustrations with him on me, which I understand, but because I'm going through my own issues, and it began to really sting and I had to leave. I threw up and then went for a walk on my own at 11 at night.
I just don't know what to do, I don't know if I'm doing or saying the right things, and I'm just second guessing everything I'm doing with her lately. I carry a lot of guilt that I wasn't the perfect mom with her because I was a single mom at 19 and the last 5 years my depression was bad so I had trouble cooking etc. like other "normal" mothers do. She kinda cut into that last night and it really hurt. I mentioned that maybe I'm not that kind of mom lately, but how many of her friends can talk about anything with their mothers? Still, it was a tough and very emotional night for us both.
She complains he's been different since being stabbed, which is to be expected, and she doesn't like the way it's affecting the relationship. He opens up to her, but doesn't seem to want to hear or can't handle listening to her feelings so she feels like she's putting all her energy and emotions into helping him and getting nothing in return. I realize and mentioned to her last night that she's doing a lot of black and white thinking, or all or nothing thinking, but she obviously doesn't want my advice right now, and just wants to vent on me.
I reminded her to call or even e-mail the victim services counselor, and getting help from her since she's the professional and may be the best help. I think it's all related to the tragedy, so she shouldn't feel like it's just relationship problems. I just don't know how to help her, I try but I end up hurt too.
It's really hard, and hurtful to watch her sobbing and feeling hurt and I try to help but she needs professional help. I realize she is a teenager and she's confused about her feelings and hormonal as well, but I hope she and her boyfriend can get through this together because they are both good people and were such a great couple.
Anyways, there's my vent. I just needed to get it out. I've never had to deal with a death or tragedy like this before and don't understand it or know how to handle it.
Thanks for reading,
Thursday, June 19, 2008
A few of you have recently asked about my daughter and her boyfriend wanting to know how they are fairing.
Kayla has her ups and downs. She's graduating right now is is busy with exams and studying or trying to. Most of the time she is doing okay emotionally but sometimes she will act out as most teenagers do, and in this case, it's even more to be expected. We visited our family doctor and I let her talk with him privately about how she's been feeling lately and he prescribed her some anti-anxiety medication (a very low dose that doesn't seem to do anything at all really). I think once her exams are completed and her graduation ceremony is over, she will settle down and focus on working and saving money for all those clothes and things she loves so much.
Her boyfriend Mike is healing surprisingly quickly. He's off with a three other students from his college flying to California and enjoying Disneyland, Six Flags, the beach, etc. I know Kayla was really worried that he would damage his wounds on the roller-coasters because boys will be boys, but he seems to be handling it well. He misses her most, and I think this break for a week between them is good. She can study and he can have a little fun. He still doesn't remember much about what happened which I'm sure is a good thing. I still think he needs to talk about it with a counselor or someone professional, but he seems reluctant to talk about the facts of the case at all with anyone right now.
I haven't heard much about the perpetrators but I think they are still in jail. I hope so, I'm sure they would of notified the families otherwise.
So that's about it. Things are calming down. It's been just over one month now since the tragedy and people are healing daily.
Thanks for everyone's support. It really meant a lot to me.
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