Thursday, December 19, 2013
First, the weight: 135.4!! That's A HEALTHY BMI!!!!! AHH!!!!
According to the gym, I've lost 11 lbs since joining there. Prior to Thanksgiving (11/15), I was 137.6, so in the past month, I've lost 2.2 lbs. Somehow, I must have lost the other 9 lbs in the 2-3 weeks prior to that. So since joining my new gym and starting personal training, I'm stoked with the results. You know what, I'm even pleased with "only" losing 2.2 lbs in the past month. I'm even more shocked to be at a healthy BMI!! Just barely, but I'm in there!!
Second, body fat percentage: I'm down from 29.1% to 28%. I'm not sure how quickly you're suppose to drop body fat, but my PT told me he was quite pleased with the results :) Right on track! My goal is around 20%, but definitely less than 25% (healthy). I just gotta keep doing what I'm doing! He said it could take the better part of a year to get down to 20%, but that I just gotta stick with it.
-Shoulder: down 0.5 inches (he was shocked because there isn't really anything to lose in my shoulders)
-Bust: down 0.5 inches. Not ok with this, I don't want to lose my boobs! Yes, they're just fat, but still... I know I'm shrinking. In the beginning, I was a solid 40D. Back in October, I got remeasured since I noticed my bras weren't quite fitting right and I was a 36 C/D, right in the middle. Now, I fear I'm a C. Blah. Victoria's Secret semi annual sale needs to start up again because I need new bras!
-Waist: down 2 inches! WOO!
-Hips: down 1.5 inches!
-Thigh: down 0.5 inches!
I think my calfs, arm, and neck stayed the same.
So now I just have to keep doing what I'm doing. My PT isn't focused on my weight at all, that isn't the goal, body fat is. I still ant my stomach to get a lot smaller and I want my pouch to go away. He told me that's the last thing that would happen though, is losing that pouch. That makes me sad. I can tell that the pouch is getting more defined and whatnot (by defined, it is getting smaller), but that's what I really want. That's my ultimate goal, to be pouchless - and to have my belly button be visible. I'll get there though. Eventually!
So end the positive stuff (really, I'm ecstatic!), but on to the negative and the part where it seems like I hate my body. I just don't understand. My PT said that I'm tiny, all my friends say I am, that I don't need to lose anymore weight. I bought size 6 dress pants recently. I'm a "healthy" BMI (I don't believe in BMI, it's just another indicator, but it is a cool to say that!). But whenever I look at my stomach, I just see disgustingness and fat. Lots of fat. How can other people not see that? How can they not see the roll covering my belly button and the hideous pouch? How can all the numbers say I'm going in the right direction, but I not have an appealing stomach? A healthy person at a healthy BMI wearing size 6 dress pants should have a "normal" stomach and that person's belly button should be visible. That's what society says, right? I don't know, I guess it just confuses me, that's all. I want to be "normal", but my view of normalcy, is of course, skewed by society. Yes, I know that I'll NEVER have that modelesque body, I don't want that. I just want to be normal!
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
So I was suppose to get my measurements taken, body fat percentage measured, flexibility testing remeasured, etc tomorrow (Wednesday); however, my PT texted me today to say that the lead PT scheduled someone during the time that I was suppose to meet with him. So... it's not getting done until Thursday morning. I had mentally prepared myself for this tomorrow (see previous blog entry), I was going to weigh myself at home first before going to the gym (my first weigh in since prior to Thanksgiving!). I was really anxious/nervous about it, but I was going to deal. I was actually excited as well. Now? I have to wait until Thursday. I just really want to know my body fat percentage! Ugh!!
A problem - I'm off tomorrow (Wednesday) and I always tend to overeat on my off days. I know the problem is because I'm away from my normal routine, I'm not at work, I have time to just sit at home and eat. It's something I try to work on. I think if I eat a snack after working out, lunch around 1pm, a snack at work around 8:30 pm, and dinner around 12:30 am then I can replicate that at home. WRONG. For some reason, it's so hard for me to eat lunch around 1 and then not eat anything for 7 or 8 hours! Part of it is that I just don't eat lunch and immediately get my errands done instead. Another part of it is that I'm at home, drinking wine, enjoying my book/movie, and I think "food and wine go together! I must eat something yummy!" So I do. I am working on it though - it's a good thing I don't have a lot of off days!
So here is to trying to be awesome tomorrow so my weigh in on Thursday will be what I expect (I would hope to still be around 137, that's my WEIGHT goal). I know a bad eating day tomorrow won't affect body fat percentage (what I'm most interested in seeing!!), yet I still can't help myself in thinking that that number on the scale is equally important. I know it isn't. I know I'm suppose to be maintaing my weight and not losing right now, but after years of only focusing on that dreaded number, it's hard to focus on other numbers, even if they are more important :/
UPDATE: I slept in this morning, it was wonderful. My goal was to wake up early, get to the gym, do my ST routine, and then drive to the other gym's location to do my spin class. But I was thinking, I want to be "good" today, so I'll sleep. If I'm sleeping, then I'm not eating! So I fell back asleep for another hour and a half. Wonderful. I then did a quick(?) 25 minute run (I'm calling 25 minutes a quick run!?) with a lot of hills and an increased speed at the end. I did my ST routine, increased the weight on the assisted chin ups (woo!!) and then got on the elliptical for 20 minutes. So now It's a little after 1pm and I just finished my snack. I'm about to shower, read a little, look up graduate schools (ugh) and then leave around 4:30 to drive to the other gym to do a 5:30 spin class! I'm not going to be able to drink wine prior and if I get there early (can you say rush hour traffic!?!?) then I'll just hit up the elliptical first. It's going to be an active day for me!
But as I was doing my shoulder presses, I was checking myself out in the mirror, going "dang, I look good!". And then there is this guy at the gym, I honestly can't tell if he's gay or not... But we've spoken a few times. A few weeks ago, we were both doing a circuit that required the use of a machine, so we were sharing it. He told me, in a you're strong/flirtatious(??) sort of way that I could increase the weight. Today, we waved from across the gym. I don't even know his name, but.... I wish my gaydar was better! And while I was checking myself out in the mirror, I thought "what the measurements say tomorrow don't matter, what matters is that I'm here, getting stronger, and looking good". Hopefully I'll keep that mentality tomorrow!
Monday, December 16, 2013
So I met with my personal trainer today and it turns out we were suppose to do measurements and body fat percentage... but, of course, I did cardio beforehand so the body fat percentage reading would be inaccurate. So now I have to wait until Wednesday to know! Ugh!
But I'm actually really nervous about it. I know my body fat percentage will be down, I mean, how can it not be? Doing ST 3x/week for 5 weeks? The measurements? Well, hopefully they'll be down. The scale is what I'm most concerned about. I don't want to say I'm still recovering from Thanksgiving, but mentally I am. I haven't weighed myself since, I'm scared to. I don't want to know. I'm debating if I want to weigh myself on my own scale on Wednesday before going - just to know. I'm not sure if they're going to do blood pressure and heart rate as well, but I know it'll be elevated due to the stress of having to be weighed. I suppose I could just weigh myself Wednesday, stress and all. I know I'm not suppose to be focusing on losing weight, I'm actually not suppose to according to my PT (theoretically, that is). But I still want to. Ok, I know it isn't about the number on the scale anymore, but I really just want to have that flat stomach! I want my belly button to be visible and I want the pouch to go away. That's all I really want. Yes, having smaller thighs would be nice, yes having that perfect hourglass figure would be amazing, but all I want is to have a visible belly button, that's when I know I would have met my goal. The only way I can see that happening is for more weight to come off, but like my PT has said, it's about lowering body fat. If that's going to get rid of the pouch and roll, then that's awesome. I just don't see how I can lose body fat but not lose weight? I suppose it's the whole gaining muscle thing at the same time.
I'm just going to suck it up and weigh myself Wednesday. Then I'll be prepared to see my PT. I can do this. It's just a number...
Monday, December 16, 2013
Heads up: I'm 100% tipsy right now, so not sure if this will make sense, but, it is more for my own sake of mind than what others think, so...
a) I'm hungry. I shouldn't be (or maybe I should?). I want to eat, but I know I shouldn't (or should I?)
b) I didn't get that job "promotion". I'm not disappointed I didn't get it (it would be a pay cut, even with the 5% raise, it would still not be enough to counteract the shift diff of switching from 2nd to 1st shift), I'm more disappointed that they didn't view me as the best candidate (or perhaps politics got in the way - very likely)
c) The future. It's totally on my mind right now. Do I see my self doing the job I'm in in 5 years? Hell no. I'm too smart of this. Yes, I'm being challenged enough, yes, I enjoy my job, BUT, I SHOULD be making more. Like I said, I'm too smart for this. So I've been thinking about going back to school. Yeah, I've only been out of school for one year. Yes, I love my job. But this job isn't a career, it's a stepping stone. So I've been looking at online masters programs, that's the problem, actually. The online part. I've been doing research and the best program is a masters of science in epidemiology and biostatistics. This isn't offered online (that I can' find!). There is plenty of great programs that offer a masters of epidemiology, but I think combining that with biostat (and making it a MS instead of an M) is a great option for me. It makes me more versatile and well rounded, and I loved stats. But what I can see, it isn't offered online anywhere. It isn't like I can move, sell my townhouse, quit my job, etc. It needs to be online, but to better my future in the long run? That means dropping everything. I don't know. Or I could just do the masters of epidemiology online. It'll be useful, but in the long run? I don't know. I found one program that offers an online epidemiology program that requires field experience - they offer international field experience, 100% up my ally! I really want to go to Europe again and that is the perfect opportunity for me. If I got the job, international wouldn't be an option for me, but it is right now. I don't know. I'm going to talk to my manager about it at the yearly review within the next 2 weeks.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
That is all.
Yesterday was a rough day. I woke up and had a great workout, but I was constantly fretting about not being able to check my work email from home to see if I got the job I applied for. I texted one of my coworkers to ask her to let me know if she heard anything about anyone getting the position. It turns out, someone did, and it wasn't me. It was the least likely person to get it, in my opinion (in everyone's opinion). But this isn't about that. I'm not disappointed that I didn't get it, I love my job and it would honestly suck to leave the lab, but I'm disappointed that I wasn't seen as the best candidate for the job. Or maybe I was and politics got in the way. Regardless, I was stressed all day.
So I forgot to eat lunch. I had an egg after working out, took a shower, went shopping, came home and was starving! I had a couple handfuls of almonds and half an apple. I made veggie stock to make soup and while the stock was simmering, I had an artichoke. Yum! A few hours later, I made kale chips and then made veggie soup with my stock. But throughout all this, I had a couple more handfuls of almonds. AND, the downfall, holiday "egg" nog. I had almost the entire container. But it isn't as bad as it sounds. This holiday nog is DELICIOUS and healthy. It's at whole foods in the refrigerated section next to the silk nogs. There are only two ingredients, almond milk (almonds and water) and cane sugar. But it tastes JUST like egg nog. How they are able to give it such flavor and thickness/creaminess, I have no idea. And the amazing part is that it comes in at 50 calories a serving. The entire 12 serving container is a mere 600 calories. Ok, that's a lot. I probably had 8 or 9 servings yesterday of it... every time I opened the fridge, I had a swig. And those kale chips? They were SPICY and what goes best with spiciness? Dairy. And does that holiday nog simulate dairy? YUP! So that was part of it, too.
Regardless, counting all 600 calories of the nog (although I didn't have that much of it), the handfuls of almonds, an egg, some kale, and some veggie soup, we're talking not that bad of a day. Take out the nog and it would have been a good day for me. So pretty much, all I ate yesterday were almonds and veggies (and 1/2 apple and an egg). Pretty pathetic.
(Must we count the 1.5 bottles of wine as well? haha)
So yes. Next time, eat lunch. It's so problematic for me on my days off. I just forget and have so many other things to do since it's the only time I can get things done!
But that's it. Time to take a shower after a great run I had and get to work, I can't believe it's already 12:30, where did the morning go?!
Update: It turns out that almond egg nog is too good to be true. So NORMALLY, ingredients are listed and directly following, is the "contains less than 2% of:". Well, that wasn't directly following. It was a whole space beneath it. So with that, comes (in no random order and missing a few because I don't remember all of them) locust bean gum, xanthum gum (maybe), sunflower lecithin, some other stuff, NUTMEG, and then something else. Yeah, bing bing bing. The second to last listed ingredient for less than 2%. This explains why my stomach has been slightly out of the norm today. Go figure, I knew it was too good to be true. The rest of it has been dumped down the drain. No more temptations and I know I can't ever buy it again. There is the rice milk holiday nog I can have, it's good, but it isn't worth it.
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