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I'm slipping - in a negative way

Friday, February 21, 2014

In my food habits, that is.

I've barely eaten over the past 2 weeks. Like nothing at all. Today, I'm feeing it. I want carbs and fat, really bad. All I've eaten are fruits and veggies. That's it. Seriously. Oh, and a slice or two of turkey bacon with lunch. That, plus tahini is my only source of protein right now. Like I said, I'm feeling it.

My normal day - wake up, go to the gym, eat lunch (some sort of veggie with turkey bacon. Ie, green beans with tomatoes and turkey bacon in a spicy white wine sauce, brussels sprouts with turkey bacon in a citrusy vinegar sauce, or broccoli with roasted red peppers in a garlicy, spicy white wine sauce. Snack at work is an apple. Dinner is a clementine, a carrot, and some snap peas. MAYBE something afterwards. And that's it. Seriously. Yesterday, I added some grilled zucchini with a spicy tahini sauce. Today, I added kale chips. I just attempted to make an apple brownie thingy, it worked. It didn't fulfill the craving. I'm still hungry.

I know I should eat more. I need protein, like really bad. I know I'm craving it. And the carbs. I'm lacking both of those in my diet over the past two weeks. Peanuts sound DELICIOUS right now. Maybe I'll buy some this weekend. I'm just so scared to. It's a major source of calories.

I've got to stop focusing on calories though. I don't NEED to lose more weight. I just need to lose fat. Yes, my body fat % is dropping, about 2% every 6 weeks or so. I'm happy with that. I'm not happy with what I see in the mirror, however.

I just don't understand. I'm a size 6, I'm a healthy BMI, I weigh around 135. I should be happy. My stomach, however, doesn't look happy. My thighs? Way too big. I don't get it.

I want food. I'm afraid to eat it. I don't need to be, but I am. Ugh. I hate this.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WRITINGRUNNER 2/22/2014 4:42AM

    I have to echo the words of the others. You know that you need to eat more, but if you can't do it by yourself find someone you can talk to. Just getting it out to someone close to you can help. You have so much to be proud of.

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GYPSYGOTH 2/21/2014 7:37PM

    So sorry to hear you are struggling so much with this.

I wonder if my favorite blog post of all time will be any help:

I am sitting a few pounds over you and wishing I was happier with my big thighs and never-gonna-be-smooth stomach. All we can do is tone up and eat clean. Please, please take care of yourself and eat more food! If you don't eat any protein you will just lose muscle mass instead of fat. Don't be scared of food! It is your fuel to build a strong and healthy (not just skinny) body.

Please find someone to talk to in real life, like a counselor, if you find that obsessing about calories is consuming enough of your day to interfere with your life. Like you said, in a negative way. Focus on health and making staying within a calorie range a priority is not obsessing; worrying that if you eat what your body clearly needs you are eating "too much"- even if you're within the calorie range allotted- then it could be a bigger issue that you should get help with.

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    Being someone who has suffered from eating disorders, all of this sounds extremely alarming. You probably don't agree with me and I'm sure you don't want to hear this, but you need to get some help. This is NOT healthy. I have a feeling that on some level you realize that. I spent YEARS of my life obsessing about every single calorie I ate. I kept depriving myself of nutrients for months and months and I lost a lot of weight really quickly, but I was so miserable. The more weight I lost, the less I liked my reflection when I looked in the mirror. All I could see was flaws. I wish I had realized how beautiful I was back then! I wish I had taken a better care of my health (mental and physical). Eventually, I simply couldn't keep it up. My body was craving food and nutrients. I started to binge. That was the beginning of a horrible cycle, a nightmare I wouldn't wish for my worst enemy. It was a continuous mental battle. Every day was a battle. I felt awful. I hated myself. I starved myself and then binged, starved and binged... You know what it's like. I wish I had realized then what I know now: THAT IS NO WAY TO LIVE YOUR LIFE! The obsessing, the vicious cycle, the low self-esteem, the self-hatred... That was my life. Looking back, I feel so bad that I wasted years of my life in that hell.

I really, truly hope you'll do something about this before it consumes you completely. It's not worth it. I would recommend that you get some professional help to deal with all of this. You're such a wonderful, beautiful person - but if you keep this up, you'll only end up unhappy, miserable and unhealthy. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh or blunt but I just wish someone had told me this years ago when I was battling my ED.

Please, take care of yourself. You deserve so much better than this. Trust me.

Comment edited on: 2/21/2014 2:18:25 PM

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LYNSEY723 2/21/2014 11:21AM

    It sounds like you need to do some work to get all of your nutrients in. At this point being healthy is more important than your actual weight. If you are a healthy weight, healthy BF%, and you still don't like what you see in the mirror you need to sit down and really think about things. Remember, it is not healthy to maintain the body of a fitness model or super model. We are real people with real jobs, real life stuff to deal with. It is not our job to perfect our bodies for the viewing of the public. Therefore we will never look like the girls who's job it is to look "perfect". Keep putting good foods in your body and keep working out. The things you don't like are bound to change if you keep working hard, but keep in mind that the most important goal in this journey is to be healthy.

emoticon emoticon

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BELLSES 2/21/2014 10:45AM

    You know what I'm going to say before I say it. This is disordered eating, not healthy weight loss. Please find yourself someone who specializes in that! You are a wonderful person, please do not let this get the best of you.

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GOLFGMA 2/21/2014 7:41AM

    I agree that you need to eat protein and try to fill the calories your body needs to work efficiently. You can seriously ruin your health and all you've worked to achieve if you don't eat enough for your body to function properly. Calories shouldn't be an obsession. Look in nutrition articles and find things that fill your plate properly and live the healthier way. emoticon

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ZOEANAEL 2/21/2014 6:23AM

    You definitaly need more protein and some fat of some sort. You're at your weight goal, cheer yourself up! You did an amazing job at losing it, be proud. You are an inspiration to me. Do not let it be an obsession. Go get some peanut. If you are worried about over eating them, by them in the shell. You are less likely to eat ton of it that way. Treat and pamper yourself, and smile. Be proud, because you are fantastic :)

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Measurements update!

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Side note: I've been a pooping machine for the past few days, woo! Go body, finally getting rid of the soy, dairy, corn, and gluten that I ingested over a week ago!

So I weighed in this morning, 134.8! Last measurements day was 135.4, I'll take it! (According to their scale, I'm down 2 lbs)

So the measurements, that I can remember -
Neck, biceps, calfs, chest stayed the same.
Everything else went down. By how much? I don't remember. I know my thighs are 0.5 inches smaller (WOO!) and I know my waist is smaller, but I don't know by how much.

But the main measurement - body fat percentage, that was a change! I went from 28.2% to 26.1%!! Go me!

Am I happy with my body though? No, not really. My belly button has yet to be visible, I still have that roll covering it up and the pouch below it. I know it'll go away, eventually, but if I'm not suppose to lose any more weight, then how does it go away? Obviously, I'm gaining muscle and getting toned, but as far as shaping my core? I know it's happening, I can see the roll and the pouch getting smaller, but still. I'm a healthy BMI, my body fat percentage is ALMOST healthy (less than 25%) and I'm fit. But still, I hate my body. I just don't understand how all the measurements say that I'm good when I don't feel good. I'm still barely eating, I'm trying to get in my protein, I'm trying to increase my calories, but it scares me. A lot.

But when I get below 25% body fat, I'm going to get a massage and have a spa day. The next time my measurements will be done is in about 6 weeks. That'll be late March, early April. My b'day is late April, so I'm thinking if those measurements are what I'm hoping then for my b'day (or early May when my measurements will be taken again), then I'll go to the spa. I need it. Now. But work is chaotic (seriously) and it's about to get more so for the next few weeks. Everything should click around April, so the spa day will be most appreciative then. I just gotta get there!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MJ7DM33 2/18/2014 10:52PM

  emoticon on your weight loss!

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EDDYMEESE 2/18/2014 7:24PM here are my thoughts:

1) Every body is different. You are 5'2, I'm 5'1. I know that when I was at about 135-137, I looked great (as you do). But I definitely didn't feel like I looked good...naked. My lowest was about 125, and I felt much better at that weight. I think your trainer is smart in that she doesn't want to push you into an unhealthy range. But on the other hand, you might not be happy at 134.8. You might feel better at 124.8. You would still be in a very healthy range for your height. I'd do what makes you feel good.

2) With all of that said...I've done the yo-yo my entire life, but I only once got to 125-135. I seriously WISH I had been better about being happy about my body at that weight. I was a size 4, for goodness sake, and I still didn't feel comfortable wearing a bikini...always also wore board shorts. Ugh. That is so sad to me now. I wish I had appreciated what I had, because I feel like that is the reason I gained it all back (plus a whole lot more).

So I know it's hard because you don't feel like you look good, but you have to realize that what YOU see is NOT what other people see. Even naked. You see flab, someone else sees sexy. I promise. You're looking great. If you need to take off some more to feel better, do it. I don't know if any of us will ever be happy with our bodies...but is anyone 100% happy with theirs?

I saw this on another SP's blog. Check it out.

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LYNSEY723 2/18/2014 12:34PM

    Congrats on your progress!! emoticon

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My body is adjusting. Slowly.

Friday, February 14, 2014

So have I recovered from last weekend's binge on foods that might kill me? I don't know. I'm still constipated. I know, an entire week. My stomach hates me, this might be my reminder NOT to give into those urges next time I'm at my parents house.

I've actually eaten really well since then. Ok. Rephrase. NOT really well, but well for my control freaking out mind. I've barely eaten. And only fruits and veggies and turkey bacon. I just haven't been hungry. This week has been awful. So met with my personal trainer Monday, I felt so bloated and sick and whatnot. It was a GREAT session, I was so sore! YAY! I did a great quick 15 min run where I got down to a 7:30 min mile, awesomeness! I also did my spin class. "Ran" at work (non stop moving and walking around for 8 hours straight), ate freggies all day. Tuesday. I honestly don't remember. Light elliptical workout, I think the food was very minimal as well. Then enter PAX, dun dun dunnnnnn! Snow plus NC equal chaos. Soooo. I'm an essential worker at work. That's what you get for working in a hospital, we never close! I woke up to snow Wednesday morning, went to the gym, did my ST routine, had a great cardio session. 1.5 hours later? Roads were AWFUL. I didn't have to be in to work for a few more hours, but I got home, showered, grabbed a change of scrubs, extra food (apple, 2 clementines, carrot slices, and snow peas - completely appropriate, if I say so myself!), toiletries, phone charger, etc. I knew I'd be spending the night at work, I just didn't know if I'd be lucky enough to get a hotel room or a bed somewhere in the hospital! I got to work, first shift started to leave, and three of us on second made it in. But that's ok, we finished reference by 6pm, but getting to 7pm when we were only dealing with in patients was rough. Three people doing what five do is difficult. So 11 pm comes and a coworker and I got a hotel room, yay! And wine at the hotel! Sweet! But this is NO protein all day. I was feeling it, I almost fainted. Luckily, again, the hotel had peanuts. Yum. Between the two of us, we ate half the container! Ugh. I was so full the next day! So enter Thursday. We take the first shuttle we know of back to the hospital and the hospital is giving us free food, yay! So around 12 I finally ate a salad. On it? Some egg, cucumbers, and cherry tomatoes. Pathetic. At least I got SOME protein. So we started work at 12 and I take my break at 8 and eat an apple (my normal meal at work). We find out that the hospital is doing free food again for employees working the night, so I stocked up. I got a container of cucumbers, grapes, chickpeas, bell peppers, carrots, and some more egg. We were going to nibble on rabbit food, drink more wine, and eat more peanuts. And that's what we did when we found out we got another hotel room! Awesome! But again. I ate WAY too many peanuts, and I still feel bloated this afternoon. So again, we take the first shuttle back to work. Today is my day off and I planned on going straight home, but I needed to make sure that no one from 2nd called out. I spoke with my manager who was like "just go home" haha, I was a hot mess wearing my hoodie 3 sizes too big and no makeup. We just didn't care at this point. So I went home.

Then I weighed myself. I was scared. It's the middle of the day, I'm bloated on peanuts, I'm constipated, I had NO cardio yesterday (the first thing my friend and I noticed at the hotel was WINE, the 2nd thing was FITNESS ROOM, the 3rd was we have no workout clothes :( ... yeah, we're both obsessed with our weight and working out. It doesn't help she's a recovering anorexic). But I did it anyways. SURPRISE! 136.2! Completely happy with that! So my weight has recovered from last weekend, and I know it's higher than normal because I'm bloated, because I'm constipated, because it was the middle of the day, etc. But, I'm happy.

Here is a change in tune though. I'm about to go on my spin bike and just go crazy. I'm not driving to the gym, it's still a mess out there, but it's drivable. I'll drive there tomorrow so I can run on the treadmill and do my ST. When I got back to the hospital today something was wrong. You could sense it. A coworker died last night in a car crash. He hit black ice and hit a telephone pole and the electrical wires came down. The ambulances couldn't get to him. I'm in shock. I mean first, you have this snow storm. We're mentally drained. My friend and I have pretty much been living at the hospital, working non stop, and getting a hotel room at night and coming back to repeat. I'm so glad I'm off today, but it sucks for my friend who has to work again today. So we're mentally drained and we find out Thomas is dead. Just like that. Boom. Gone. It doesn't work that way. It can't work that way. As soon as I got to my car I broke down and started crying. As soon as my friend gets to be alone, the same will happen. I know it will. Thomas was awesome. The passenger in the car survived though. We don't know who it is, we don't know the persons name. Their a patient in the hospital, they probably won't tell us. The news will though, they'll have to. It's been all over the news. Just another tragedy due to PAX. He's a statistic according to them. Instead of the 21 dead on the news we saw last night, it'll be 22 - or more. I'm still in shock, but I know that the tears helped me to process it. He had such a vibrant personality, everyone loved him, he wasn't known just in his department, but throughout the entire lab. Everyone knows Thomas. This is the first loss that I've had to deal with, and I'm thankful for that. None of my family members have passed and I've never been to a funeral. But to lose a teammate, a coworker, a friend, it's awful, it's wrong. He was my age! People in their late 20s and early 30s, we aren't suppose to die! We still have our lives to live! We were suppose to go to a restaurant that he's never been to before. We were going to go on the next weekend where none of us worked to get sushi and mimosas. We were going to get mani/pedis. We were going to be awesome. Now we never will. This just isn't right. I might have only known him for 8 months or so, but those 8 months with him were awesome. He made work that much more enjoyable. Never again will we hear "I've got pudding pops!" Never again will I hear him go "I've got a homo!" I'll definitely miss his infectious laughter and amazing attitude. I'm going to miss his smile, his personality, his dedication to his job and his willingness to help us as much as he can.

Ok, but time to spin and get my cardio done. I will focus on the positives. I need to.

No more peanuts either, I'm so bloated from them! I can't wait for some HOT food. I'm going to make jalapeno poppers. I have the meat that needs to be cooked ASAP and I'm going to make it spicy and make a tomato sauce for it. But I don't have tomato paste to thicken it! Ugh. I'm not going to the store. After this cardio, I'm taking a shower and a bath. I'm going to use Bath and Body Works aromatherapy lotion (buy it! It smells SO good and the smell lingers. It's so relaxing and calming). I'm going to put on CLEAN clothes and snuggle up by the fireplace with my kitty, who has desperately missed me, watch the snow melt, read my book, drink some wine, and maybe even watch a movie. Maybe I'll be stereotypical and watch Valentine's Day! It's going to be a me day and I'm not going to think about work and how I have to be there this weekend. WIthout Thomas.

Time to spin. I'm out.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LYNSEY723 2/17/2014 2:26PM

    I'm so sorry for your loss. emoticon

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EVIE4NOW 2/14/2014 4:45PM

  My condolences on the loss of your friend.

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RENATA144 2/14/2014 2:00PM

  emoticon emoticon

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I think I might die

Sunday, February 09, 2014

Overdramatic? Yes. But I'm sure it caught your intention!

PS: I'm slightly drunk. Majorly tipsy. Majorly sick.

I'm home with my parents. There are SO many temptations here. I have AWFUL self control. I don't buy foods I know I'll indulge on. I don't buy nuts, I don't buy nut butters, I don't buy chocolate (even the 100% pure cocoa powder!), I don't buy eggs, and I don't buy bananas (the latter two allow me to make a microwave brownie. An apple or apple sauce can substitute the banana, but apples are my snack while at work, so I always have a bunch of them). But all these foods? They are here. At my parents house. Stocked full. There is also cheese, god help me. I miss cheese.

So what do i do? I always roam the fridge when I get another glass of wine. When I'm at home, that roaming entails grabbing a handful of blueberries/strawberries/or just giving up because I don't REALLY need to graze the fridge. But when I'm with my parents? There are a plenty of chocolate bars (some I can actually eat!), there are english muffins for my brother. There is plenty of cheeses. There is plenty of meats. There is peanut butter. There are always bananas for the dog. There is always cheereos for the dog. There is EVERYTHING I avoid. Now generally, I only indulge in the peanut butter, bananas, eggs, and chocolate. I'm good at avoiding the gluten containing products and I'm good at avoiding the chocolates that have soy. But every time I avoid those foods I go into panic mode. I get really anxious and I start freaking out because I'm avoiding the foods I know I'm allergic/sensitive to.

So what did I JUST do? Count them, 3, eat THREE whole protein bars. Full of dairy, soy, and corn. Probably gluten, too. THREE. That's probably 500 calories (one of them was a snack bar). Did I need them? Heck no. Do I feel sick? Yup. I'm totally going to regret it in the morning, I'll be in SEVERE stomach pain. I'm going to hate my life. LIke majorly. I'm use to it. Hopefully I won't end up the fetal position.

I just have AWFUL self control. Like really bad.

That nutritionist I contacted? I think I forgot to mention she specializes in disordered eating habits. I just have to reach out to her again and take her up on that free phone call. I was doing so well last week too, and I just blew it. Ok. Doing well? That means my ONLY protein was 2 slices of turkey bacon with lunch and the protein found in veggies. So nutritionally well? If you count eating fruit, veggies, and two slices of turkey bacon every day healthy then no. But I just want my veggies. That's all I want. But tonight. I blew it. And measurements are in a week. I can recover in a week. I hope.

I feel sick.

I'm disgusted with myself.

I'm regretting the morning.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LYNSEY723 2/10/2014 2:44PM

    Well, it's 2 days later... I hope you are still alive! I'm sorry to hear that you are going to be in pain. I totally understand where you are coming from. Doing something you know you shouldn't be, and doing it anyway - despite the consequences.

I hope you have recovered and are back on the right foot now. Keep pushing. You can do it.

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    Oh, boy, have I been there. On all counts. I hope you find it within yourself to forgive yourself for last night's indulgences. It's a new day. Hit the "reset" button. emoticon emoticon

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BRAINYBLONDE5 2/9/2014 8:29AM

  it was one bad day and this journey is just as much mental as it is physical. talk with the nutritionist and maybe she has wise words of wisdom on how to handle it next time! I have the same problem when I go to my parents house and eat everything I see!

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GOLFGMA 2/9/2014 7:26AM

    One bad day doesn't kill all the good things you have been doing. As you said you can recover! emoticon

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LEST6549 2/9/2014 6:06AM

    Sounds like me also. Although, I'm in my own home! This is where I do my damage. If I were staying at my brothers for a week, then I would lose weight. Just the opposite of you.
Don't be hard on yourself though! Like you said "I can recover." And you will.
So will I.
I've made my mind up to stop eating at 12pm, 2pm....etc. I was successful last night, and this morning I'm down a pound.
Just think, if I were able to continue like that, I could lose tons of weight.
Enough about me.
I can identify with your problem. Well, somewhat, not completely. I do know how it feels to try and turn off those temptations. Extremely difficult. But we will succeed.

Comment edited on: 2/9/2014 6:08:10 AM

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Friday, February 07, 2014

So on Monday, my Personal Trainer, went "measurements!" and I started freaking out and asked when. He looked at my file and said 2 weeks and asked if I was nervous and whatnot. Obviously the look of fear came across my face and he told me I should have nothing to worry about.

We'll see.

I hesitantly weighed myself this morning. 136.4. I'm happy with that number. I know I'm gaining muscle, so an increase in pounds is ok, right? We'll see. I'm not freaking out over body fat percentage like I was last time. I want to know, but does it matter? I don't know. I hope it's down, but I'm honestly expecting the same. We'll see what the measurements say, I suppose.

But the bottom line? I've been eating better this past week and I FEEL better. Mentally (no guilt!) and that is causing a better physical feeling. Am I eating enough? Definitely not. I'm probably eating 500-1000 cal a day, but I'm just not hungry. I'm listening to my body, so ... I guess I just don't need to be eating a lot right now.

I actually emailed a nutritionist that specializes in disordered eating habits and developing a healthier relationship with food. She offers a free initial consultation, so I emailed her to take her up on her offer. She responded saying it's done via a 10-15 minute phone call. I haven't responded yet. I'll figure it out. Hopefully.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BRAINYBLONDE5 2/7/2014 9:56AM

  hopefully the nutritionist has some answers for you! :)

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BELLSES 2/7/2014 9:04AM

    I hope you follow up with the nutritionist. I think it could be a great thing for you!

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GOLFGMA 2/7/2014 7:26AM

    Go with nutrition guidelines here on Spark People. You have a personal trainer and that's great. Ask him about consulting a nutritionists. I think you're doing great except you do need to eat more for the calories you're burning. Depends on how you are feeling physically regarding what you should do. Just my opinion. emoticon

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HOTPINKCAMARO49 2/7/2014 2:40AM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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