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Almost 2 years

Sunday, March 22, 2009

How sad. It's been almost 2 years since I've last even come here. And look - that last entry I wrote is exactly how I am now. I believe I've even gained weight since that last post - I certainly haven't lost any. And I'm still feeling like I have no drive or direction.

I have made a few changes in the (nearly) two years since I've been away. I've certainly come to some realizations about myself. Right now, though, I believe 'm ready to do something. I'm still looking for that drive and determination, but I've gotten to the point where I know I don't want tobe like THIS anymore, and maybe that's really all I need.

I've had "measuring up" issues lately. My business has taken off like nothing else - and in these hard economic times, that's a blessing. But with that has come the realizations I mentioned earlier. I still don't take time out for myself, and I work too hard. I have gotten better though.

So I'm starting anew. I'm setting small, tiny goals for myself. My biggest issue is to focus on those small, little goals. All too often, I look at the big picture, compare my failings to it, and believe I'll never accomplish anything I want to because it's all so overwhelming. I need to stop doing that. This past week, I've tried, and for the most part, I succeeded. I set my iCal to remind me at certain intervals throughout the day to get up and go for a 15-minute walk. 3 times a day, all last week, I did it. I walked for a total of 45 minutes (at 3 miles an hour) every day last week - except for Friday. Friday, I allowed myself to get overwhelmed with stuff, and I didn't walk. I ignored it. And by Friday evening, I felt like crap - a feeling that has carried through the entire weekend. I missed Friday - so I feel like I'm a failure. I don't understand where that comes from. I did really well all week - but because I missed one day, I want to quit, and I ask myself "what's the point?"

it's such a lame attitude to have.

So I'm pulling myself up again, and I'll start again in the morning. Eat breakfast (which I skipped BOTH breakfast and lunch Friday - not on purpose either), and do my walking. If I can't find that motivation to make me 8want* to get moving and do this, then maybe just treating it as part of my job will. *I* am my own job. I should want to succeed at it.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CANDYBILL 3/22/2009 2:20PM

    Thanks Jibbie :)

I'm looking int othat righ tnow.

And thanks for commenting - wow, I didn't think anyone would really notice - 've been gone for so long. How nice! :)

(edit: to add after watching)
Ah. This is the interesting thing I have conversations with others about. My issue isn't *over*eating - it's *under*eating, at least, as far as I can tell. I will - and frequently do - go without eating. Many times, the only thing that reminds me that it's time to stop and eat something is when I feed the kids, and my husband comes home from work. Usually, I feed the kids and go back to work without eating anything. I kind of "save up the hunger" for the dinner meal, and it all goes downhill from there.

So yes, my eating habits are bad - but I definitely don't eat emotionally. In fact, if anything, the more upset/stressed/depressed I am, the *less* I eat. I've been told I've thrown my body into "starvation mode" and when I *do* eat, I'm choosing the wrong things - which is true - and that's why I'm in the spot I'm in. I'm also run down and don't want to exercise because I'm too tired to do it.

So if this still qualifies, I'd be interestd in joining that group! :)

Comment edited on: 3/22/2009 2:30:02 PM

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JIBBIE49 3/22/2009 1:49PM

    Go to YOUTUBE and look for ROGER GOULD, M.D.

He has a book "Shrink Yourself" about why we do what we do and how fat protects us, etc. He is well worth listening to and reading the book. We have a SparkTeam here for his book.

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Hiatus

Friday, September 21, 2007

I'm not bothering to go back and forth between my regular blog and here - it seems like too much work.

So, I've been on a bit of a hiatus. As usual, "things" got in the way. My usual mantra (that I don't seem to listen to) has come into play again - I *must* learn to take some time out for *me*. I need to stop feeling guilty about taking a little bit of time out for myself so I can get healthy again. I don't know why I feel guilty about it - well, yes I do. But it's dumb.

I wanted to go to my checkup at the doctor (which was Wednesday) and tell him I had dropped at least 20 pounds in the 6 months he had given me to lose some weight. I didn't. I can honestly say that my clothes are fitting better - I can take off my jeans without even unbuttoning or unzipping them (and no, they don't have an elastic waist/spandex anything). The weight hasn't dropped, but something's going - so I can at least take comfort in that.

My family joined a gym about a month ago, and we've been going at random intervals. I really like it there actually. But *getting* there has been an issue - it's more of the same "take time out.." thing. It's literally right down the street from my house. Okay, okay, 2 miles down the street, but still. I can hop in the car and drive there in about two minutes flat, unless traffic is bad. Then it'll take maybe five.

But anyway, as I sat there waiting for my doctor to come in, I was thinking if I had actually just taken out an hour of time each day for *me*, then I'd be sitting in this office somewhere between 25-50 pounds lighter than I am now. If i Had started six months ago, I would be halfway to my goal RIGHT NOW.

Why can't I get *that* to stick in my head every day when I make my excuses for not doing what I need to do? I need to stop procrastinating.

Here, have a cast-iron skillet. Whack me upside the head with it please. Maybe it'll knock some sense into me.

  


July 2007 - Little Changes

Sunday, July 29, 2007

So I posted a new entry today. i kind of fell off the wagon for the last couple of weeks: meaning mainly that i was tracking everything. Must have had it in mind, though, because I didn't lose any weight, but i didn't gain any either.

The blog entry you'll see in th elink is more about the issue that prevented me from tracking this week, more than it's about the weight-loss journey (so it's more of a personal entry instead) - just so you know before reading.
http://www.candybill.com

  


July 2007 - Ohhhhh yeah....

Saturday, July 14, 2007

I don't mind copying my blog entry for today from my regular spot - so if you want to visit my site today, you can, but the most recent entry is going to say this:

I lost 5 pounds this week.

Letís do that again!

:)

http://www.candybill.com

  


Yesterday...

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

You know, today I'm going to post an entry here, rather than over at my usual place (my own site). Mainly because I'm lazy and don't feel like logging in over there and then coming back here, but also because I don't want to put it off until later and foget to do it.

So, yesterday, I had a "bad day". I think I'm getting ready to get my visit from "Aunt Flo" (if I may), because I was grumpy and I couldn't stop this serious urge to munch like crazy. I managed to resist most of the day, but it was hard.

By the time dinner rolled around, I only had a few calories left to "spend". It had been a busy day with the kids, so I didn't have anything set out to cook for dinner - so I had to have something quick. I ended up making pizza.

First weird thing: I actually managed to restrain myself to 1 slice. (I've *never* had only 1 slice of Pizza!)

I was still hungry though, so I pulled out the chips and salsa. I wasn't paying attention and ate more than I should (but it was whole-wheat baked chips and salsa, for crying out loud). The fact that I didn't get *any* of my exericse in that day, and I was grumpy - it all made me feel like I had gone way over. To top it off, I was still hungry. So I figured I'd already screwed myself for the day, so I'm going to eat whatever I wanted to.

In the end, i did eat anoher slice of pizza, a piece of watermelon and a cup of yogurt. I went to bed *positive* I'd blown it for the day.

I logged in this morning to enter in my food, I was amazingly surprised to see that - although I had blown it - it wasn't by much. Not nearly as much as I had imagined. Then there was the fact that - even though i didn't want to admit what I had eaten, we're trying something new here, so I *did* hold myself completely accountable - after entering in my food, I had discovered that I had actually eaten very healthy foods. If I had NOT eaten that second slice of pizza, I would not have thrown myself into my little funk last night.

But you know what? I wanted that second slice of pizza. And it was worth it. I can easily skip something today to make up for my slight binge last night, and still be satisfied with myself.

I love it when you realize things are not always as bad as they seem, and I'm glad I didn't take my imaginings to heart and go on an all-out "Who the f*** cares, the day was shot to hell anyway!" attitude.

Yay me! ;)

  


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