CANDIDAANGELA   12,033
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Lost.... I feel so lost.....

Saturday, October 02, 2010

I feel so lost. I have been feeling lost since August 24. It was on that day that my boyfriend broke up with me and when he broke up with me I lost two of my best friends. Ray and Pixie. I understand why Ray broke up with me and I don't blame him. Yes, I was pissed off for a while but not at him. I was pissed off at the person who put him and therefore us in the situation we suddenly found ourselves in. I spent so long being pissed that everyone tells me that he is not worth any tears from me. Part of me agrees but the larger part says that I should feel free to cry over him and what we lost. This is not something I can do freely at home because my parents are two of the people who think I should be a cold hearted bitch. So, I find myself crying in the shower or at odd moments when I'm sure I'm alone.

For 5 months Pixie was the best friend a girl could ask for. In May when Ray broke my heart with a stupid argument we had she came and sat with me on my front porch at 5am and comforted me while I cried. Later that day once I had stopped crying she kept me from starting back up by dealing with Ray. When I decided to forgive him and give him a second chance she supported me with nothing more than a smile and a hug. We used to talk for hours in front of her house about everything and nothing at the same time. When everything started to happen that led to the breakup on August 18 she was supportive of me and let me cry on her shoulder. Then on the day of the breakup, I called her and sent her text messages because I needed my friend and I never heard from her. When I went to the bar later that week to meet with our group of friends, she was there hugging all over Ray. For reasons I will never understand that hurt more than the breakup ever did or ever will. I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart and the knife was being twisted. That was the day I found out that the reason she didn't get back to me the day of the breakup is because she was trying to find a new home for her cat. That single sentence put a lot into perspective for me.

It has recently come to my attention that Ray and Pixie are now dating. While I realize I have no real claim to jealousy or right to feel hurt by this new development I do and I am. Suddenly I am questioning both relationships and I am doubting the integrity of both.

I feel so very lost. Why did this happen to me? Did the powers that be realize that I was genuinely happy and say that I'm not allowed happiness? Yes, I realize that in order to be happy you don't need a boyfriend, it is just that I finally felt like I was returning to the Candice that I was 3 years ago. While I have been trying to hold onto her I am so lost that I can't.

I'm just so lost.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BLESSED2BEME 10/5/2011 4:41PM

    I'm glad you wrote about this. That is the first step in finding healing.

I'm glad you discovered this about them both now. Yes, you are hurt and you have every right to be but on the other hand, this turn of events could show what type of people you thought you could trust and give your heart to.

Hugs!

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TERRI289 10/3/2010 11:15AM

    Candice, I am so sorry that people that you cared for and about have decided to push you away and put themselves first. I feel that grieving is called for and you will do that in your own time.

Hard to believe but it does get better. I have been there several times and each time it hurt.

Take your time, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and take it one step at a time. Good luck!! emoticon

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ANDYINBC 10/3/2010 12:34AM

    I wish I had the right words to say, but honestly, I just hope things come together for you and life gets better and better and better.

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LIVINGONMYTERMS 10/2/2010 1:55PM

    That is horrible! I have been there and I feel your pain, but I have learned to stay away from toxic people and I learned the hard way. Don't go back across burned bridges, you can forgive and move on. That is what needs to happen. Your a Teddy Bear, you are strong and emoticon emoticon emoticon Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep on sparkin!
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emoticon Rock!!

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LADYIRISH317 10/2/2010 12:24PM

    Been there. I am so sorry for the pain you're in right now.

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CERIUSLY 10/2/2010 9:39AM

    Having been dumped more times than I care to remember, and gone through a divorce, I empathize with you. I feel your pain. I hope that writing the blog has been therapeutic.

I've had reasons recently to ponder a statement that was made to me many many years ago. "True friends always return". My thought? Why do they leave in the first place? It's because for some reason they feel shame, or embarrassment. Pixie didn't respond to you because she had already set her sights on Ray. Ray however will tire of Pixie. When that happens, will she return in need of friendship? If she does, will you be in a place to forgive and welcome her? Pixie is the one that is lost.

Lovers may come and go but "True friends are ALWAYS there for us". You may feel lost, but you, Dear One, are not lost. You can find yourself by looking inward. You are still where you will always be. Don't let the situation and other people steal your power.

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Ceri

Comment edited on: 10/2/2010 9:40:14 AM

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SIORANTH 10/2/2010 7:19AM

    I'm very sorry to hear about your break-up. I went through a pretty terrible one myself in January that I'm -still- dealing with every single day. It's gotten easier but it's still not easy. For me, the breakup was actually the motivation I needed to start getting my rear in gear and do something to make myself feel better by buckling down on weight loss and exercise. Through all the stress reaped over the months because of it, I have felt smug in my knowledge that I look and feel better -in spite- of what happened. I have felt smug that one day I'm going to be a total hottie again and if things never work back out at least I won't feel like "the girl who got dumped."

Even still, it hurts. Every day, it hurts. I still get jealous. I get paranoid. I spend too much time ruminating some days. I mourn the happiness that we once had, that made my life feel so complete, and that is broken and gone now.

You'll be ok though. :) It's true that time heals all wounds, some just take longer than others. You do what you gotta do -for you- and to heck with everyone else! :)

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LMSTRAW 10/2/2010 6:44AM

    I am so sorry for your pain. I wish I knew some magic words or something super smart to say to you that could put this situation in perspective and make all your pain go away. But I don't. I think when we're betrayed by a best friend, it is more painful than the boyfriend/spouse loss. I do know if you ever got him or her back, you would never trust either of them again. As hard as it is, I think you should move on. Look for and find the lesson you were to learn from this. I truly believe everything that happens is either a blessing or a lesson. Some things are both. You can't listen to people who try to tell you how to feel, or react; you're you and have to follow your heart. YOu don't sound like a "cold bitch" at all and "acting like" would be alien to you. As cliche as this sounds, time DOES heal all wounds. Surely the universe and Higher Powers have something much more wonderful in store for you. May you be blessed.
Linda

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LOURON 10/2/2010 6:27AM

    I feel for you Relationships can drive us crazy both with friends, family members and significant others. I have been dealing with the issue of trust re my hubby and also a friend who in my case became toxic. I can give you all the advice in the world but sometimes seeking the right professional be it minister or psychologist or what ever can at least help you as you deal with your trouble times. As I write this I think of the I believe James Taylor song You Got A Friend
Louise

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ASVAB

Thursday, September 30, 2010

I took the ASVAB today and kicked ass! I got a G76 and needed a G72 to be able to take the qualifier test for becoming a linguist. I am so happy and now that I have taken the ASVAB my weight loss will be even more pivitol. Before today it was just an idea, now it is a possibility. I'm so giddy with the excitement I'm bouncing in my seat.

Air Force here I come. I hope you are ready for me!

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I also did really well in the other categories, General is just the one I was most counting on.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BLESSED2BEME 10/5/2011 4:42PM

    Congrats! From a retired AF member, I salute you for wanting to serve your country!

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BEACHGIRL1205 10/1/2010 7:31PM

    That is so cool. Thank you for wanting to serve for our Country!! Congratulations!!
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VEMAN1 9/30/2010 9:38PM

    Way to make it happen. Note that it did not fall out of the sky into your lap. You earned it!


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DRKANGELKITTY 9/30/2010 8:45PM

    I am also working on losing weight to join the Air Force! I plan on going in a few years after I finish up some community college classes and lose the 70lbs I need to. :) Also congrats on doing well on the ASVAB!

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THROOPER62 9/30/2010 7:20PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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WAUSUP 9/30/2010 2:50PM

    Awesome job! Congrats!

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RENE54 9/30/2010 12:46PM

    emoticon

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DANNII34 9/30/2010 9:36AM

    I am VERY proud of you chickie! I knew you would do great :p Told ya! emoticon

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THENEWCINDY 9/30/2010 9:18AM

    emoticon

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WANNABEAIRMAN 9/30/2010 9:18AM

    Wooow! emoticon That's awesome!!! Congratulations! How was the test in general? Pretty easy? I've taken the practice ASVAB and Math and Mechanical always kills me lol

Again Congrats!
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HGSGUY 9/30/2010 8:04AM

    Great job! good luck with your other goals! When do you plan to join the AF team?

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NINJA-NED 9/30/2010 7:47AM

    congratulations!!

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CERIUSLY 9/30/2010 7:45AM

    emoticon May all your dreams come true!

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COLOURFULME 9/30/2010 5:42AM

    What is ASVAB? emoticon

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TAMI@SH04250 9/30/2010 12:21AM

    Congratulations! I am an AF wife, my hubby was in for 20+ years and we loved the life! Best of luck to you!

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I'm worth it....

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I just finished my first workout in two weeks. I feel like I'm dying and my legs just want to fall off. The iFit training program with Jillian Michaels truly kicks your ass. I walked 3 miles today in one hour and ten minutes. Honestly, all I want to do right this second is drink my water and sprawl out on my bed watching Friday Night Lights.

Yes, the workout was brutal. They will continue to become more brutal as time goes on. They will be longer, weight training will be added. At the end of the day it doesn't matter how hard the workout was or how much I just wanted to say "screw this" and quit. At the end of the day the only thing that matters is that I did the workout. I finished what I started. At the end of the day.....

I AM WORTH IT!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

COLLEEN788 9/22/2010 12:50AM

    emoticon emoticon

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FITANDFIFTY2 9/22/2010 12:43AM

    Congrats on the work out!! Totally awesome!! emoticon

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CHIBIKARATE 9/22/2010 12:35AM

    you are so right emoticon emoticon

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Air Force

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Joining the military is always something I thought of doing but never acted on because I thought my dad was against me enlisting. This week I found out I thought wrong. That being said I have decided to join (or try and join) all the men and women who serve our country and enlist in the Air Force. I have 40 lbs to lose before I can officially enlist and we are still trying to get in touch with the recruiter so that I can take the ASVAB, but I am confident that I will succeed. My daddy says that since I did well on the SATs that the ASVAB should be no problem for me. So if all goes according to plan I will be leaving for BMT (bootcamp) in February. I do believe that this goal/dream is just the kick in the butt that I needed to get serious about my weight loss.

US Air Force, here I come!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MRE1956 9/20/2010 7:55AM

    Bless you - and best wishes!

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THROOPER62 9/20/2010 5:50AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DAV128 9/18/2010 11:58PM

    Congratulations on your decision. It can never be a mistake to protect and serve; and the US Military certainly does that. Stay tough; get fit and be proud when you put on the uniform for the first time.

From a career law enforcement officer to a future US Soldier - Stand Tall, persevere, and you will be successful.

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Comment edited on: 9/18/2010 11:59:38 PM

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