Monday, September 01, 2014
I was home over the past week on break. A while before, I'd decided to experiment with not tracking, to see if I could handle it. After 2 years of tracking (and feeling like a slave to it sometimes), I thought that I might have learned enough to take some time off of SP, maybe for just the week I was home, maybe longer if I found success with it.
The first few days weren't bad. There were a few moments of anxiety here and there, but for the most part I was fine. I did a bit of snacking that I probably didn't need to do, but otherwise I listened to my body, stopped eating when I was full, did my best to refrain from second helpings even when everyone else at the table ate more.
But then the Ethiopian food on day 7 made me nervous (even though I only ate half of it), so I tracked all my food that day to see where I was. I was within range, maybe even below--I don't recall. In any case, worried for nothing.
Things came to a head on day 9, when I made a recipe for Utah scones/Navajo fry bread that ended up being 530 calories apiece (includes the 320 calories worth of oil you deep fry each one in. I honestly didn’t realize it was going to be that much until after I had one, but since I was deep-frying dough I should've guessed as much). I didn’t go over on calories even with that and the chips I snacked on earlier that day (I was a bit high on fat though). So I tried to not care but I was messed up about it all evening.
I really wish I could eat like a normal person. During those days when I wasn't tracking, I felt like I had more time for other things because I wasn't sitting around putting in calories. But I guess I'm much too anxious for that. I may have to track calories for the rest of my life. It's upsetting but I need to accept that this is what I'll have to do. I just wonder if there's some sort of compromise, some middle-ground that will keep me from obsessing about tracking, or being so anxious when I don't track. Like, maybe I could track SOMETIMES…or something. If anyone has ideas…?
I also wish I didn't feel waves of body image issues rising up in me again. No matter how many times you've turned them out of the house, changed the locks, freaking moved to a new neighborhood, they always seem to find you.
That's all I want to say right now. That's enough. Especially since it's way past my bedtime and I start orientation for my OBGYN rotation at 7 tomorrow morning.
Pics below. My mom took them for me this time. My measurements have all gone up since last month; I checked this morning. I think it shows and I can't help being a bit sad about it. I almost didn't want to post these because I didn't want to look at them.
Sunday, August 03, 2014
The quick(ish) and dirty:
-I'm on neurology now and I like it a LOT more than I thought I would.
-Still doing Blogilates, but I fluctuate between doing one short workout a day and doing multiple on Sundays.
-Strongly considering going off the tracker for at least a week just to see what would happen. I'll probably wait until my next break at home so I can have support/someone to tell me when I should take my hand out of the cookie jar and back away from the kitchen.
-Still trying to figure out how to juggle my time at the hospital, studying for exams, exercise, sleep, and the other things that make me a happy human (cooking, church, mindfulness meditation, etc). I've realized that staying up to study until I reach my particular study goals makes me miserable and groggy--falling asleep in public outside a cafe while trying to send emails was my breaking point with that last week. I'm a bit worried that I won't get sufficient studying done, though...
-Sleeping better. I might have been obsessing so much about getting to bed it was affecting the quality of my time IN bed. I try to get ~6 hours a night now. Less than I used to, but it's kind of the best I can do.
-Weight's been stable (about where it was when I began maintenance) for the past few months, and other measurements fluctuate a half inch or so up or down. But I feel like I'm not as slim in these as I was in the ones a month ago. Maybe partially due to the need to drink more water (which is hard when you're always on your feet, seeing patients with your team with no time to break off and use the bathroom--i swear my bladder is the size of a dime).
And pictures...wanted to do collages again but I don't have time right now.
Friday, July 04, 2014
I am swamped with work, so I don't have much time for a formal update. Not much has changed. I finished pediatrics and am on psychiatry now (loved the former, loving the latter). Still doing one Blogilates workout a day, and I still don't eat clean--and I'm feeling less guilty about not doing more with either of those. Feeling like I'm consistently on the upper range of my calorie/macro limits--feeling a little guilty about that. Slowly getting back into mindfulness meditation which I used to find helpful when it came to eating and emotions (and eating my emotions). Still wondering about why I've been having trouble sleeping.
Since this is my 7th monthly update, I decided to do picture collages today. When I was putting them together I realized I HAVE made a bit of progress since January. My waist is slimmer at baseline and the contours are a bit more defined, and I think my saddlebags are less prominent too. It's hard for me to really describe what changes I see, though, so I'm interested to know y'all's thoughts.
Sunday, June 01, 2014
*sigh* I honestly don't feel like writing much today. Not much has changed in the past month. My schedule is less hectic now that I'm on a less stressful rotation, but I'm still struggling to find time for the things I need to do and the things I want to do outside of the hospital.
I exercise when I can--I got through one workout per day of the Blogilates #ahMAYzing calendar, minus 2 days (going to finish that up in a little while); I also went ahead and bought the $60 "Power Pack" from the Blogilates shop. I haven't had many opportunities to use the equipment (a Pilates ring and some resistance bands) but the few times I did were INTENSE.
I've been doing some cooking, but I think I might put a halt on stocking up for new recipes in an effort to allocate time to other things. That would mean going back to more frozen dinners (Lean Cuisine, Healthy Choice, and now Kashi which is worth the extra money), reasonable dining out options, and quick meals I can throw together, but that's pretty much what I was doing last year so I don't think it will cause me that many problems....I don't know. Haven't decided yet, really. I love being in the kitchen, and I honestly feel healthier when I cook my own stuff, so if I gave that up now I would definitely miss it.
Meanwhile, I feel like my sleep schedule is falling apart. I've been pretty strict about getting around 7.5 hours of sleep, because I know that I make poor life/health decisions when I'm sleep deprived. I don't have trouble falling asleep but I often wake up hours before my alarm is supposed to go off. Don't know what to make of this yet, but maybe the problem won't become a pattern.
I'm still trying to tell myself that the amount of body fat I have/feel like I have is not a defining quality...still finding it hard to believe that at least half the time. Even though I'm still losing weight according to the scale (and now I'm not even trying to), I feel like I've lost all the muscle tone I was starting to build up in February and March. It seems like the more I try to convince myself that it's not a big deal, that I'm still me, still attractive, still fairly healthy thanks to my efforts with SP, the less I feel like any of that is true.
I almost didn't take pictures today because of how I've been feeling about my body (and because I was groggy from a bad night's sleep). But I did, and they're below.
Saturday, May 03, 2014
Hi friends! This post is a few days late because I was studying, but I am happy to say that I am DONE with my first rotation. Surgery was tough, but I learned quite a bit about the practice of medicine and how to adapt to overwhelming situations.
This month on surgery was a lot harder than the last; I transitioned to a busier service, which meant longer hours spent at the hospital, late-night cases, no time to exercise (although I did manage to finish one workout per day of Blogilates #aprilabs), and a constant battle between sleeping and studying. I did the best I could with tracking and making healthy choices, but in the last week or so I did a considerable amount of grazing and also gave in to a massive craving for French fries (this didn't derail my progress in any way--I was still fairly responsible--but fried potatoes aren't the best snack/side dish multiple times a week (so tasty though).
Many of my friends said that they put on a few pounds after finishing the surgery block, and that's understandable. You're walking around with a number of snacks in your white coat because you don't know how long you're going to be in the OR and you don't want to pass out and contaminate the sterile field; even if you're not watching or helping with an operation, you don't really know when you're going to eat again. And you can pretty much forget regular exercise unless you're planning to wake up before 3 every morning. I don't really know how I would have made it without a calorie tracker and a steady supply of Larabars from the interwebz (shipping is pricy, but how can you go wrong with less than 9 ingredients per bar?). I stepped on the scale a couple of days ago and found that I hadn't gained anything--actually may have lost some, but the timing of my monthly weigh-in coincided with another monthly occurrence...anyway.
My next rotation is pediatrics. I should have more time to cook for myself and more time to exercise. I don't know if I'm going to try to finish the entire Blogilates calendar this month, though. I might just stick to one workout per day, maybe the shortest one, maybe the longest one. I'm also considering buying Cassey Ho's power ring and exercise bands as a sort of treat to myself...but they're $50 together and she doesn't use them in many workouts, so I don't know if they're a good investment yet. Le sigh.
Pics below. No visible changes good or bad, but I'm still fighting the negativity that comes with not having a flat stomach/feeling flabby. Maybe having a more normal schedule from here on out will mean that I have more time to work on this aspect of myself. Stay tuned...
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