Sunday, November 10, 2013
stepped on the scale this morning and was pleasantly surprised to see that i've reached my goal weight...almost 2 months early! i got back on track once i started doing my old weekly workout routine again, but i wasn't expecting to come down this far this soon.
it may be because i've been on the low end of/below my nutrition ranges for the past week or so. some days it's artificial, because i went out to eat and didn't want to spend hours trying to find equivalent food. ain't nobody got time for that. even though my trackers say i didn't eat much of anything on those days, i probably overate because i'm still a novice at mindful eating in social situations.
but other days i actually didn't feel hungry enough to eat 100, 200, or 300 more calories just to meet SP's numbers for me. i think part of it was stress--i did have an exam a couple of days ago, after all. usually my stress response is increased appetite, but this week it was bad stomachaches. weird. anyway, one of my friends tried to tell me that i should go ahead and eat more to meet my goals each day, but i think that would have ended badly.
now that i've kind of hit a sweet spot with my nutrition/fitness, i'm a bit reluctant to change anything to transition to "maintenance." i'm still using the old version of the tracker, and i'm still using a "dummy" amount of weekly calories burned so SP doesn't give me the angry red "YOU'RE EXERCISING TOO MUCH" message.
i might go ahead and switch back to the new tracker, because i seem to be getting better at focusing on myself more than on what SP tells me to do. we'll see what numbers i get when i move things around.
as a reward, i'm adding the "20 pounds lost" image to my SparkPage. no matter what happens from here on out, it's going to stay there. i'm sure that my weight will fluctuate, just as it has ever since i started with SP in May of 2012. but instead of beating myself up about it, i will strive to acknowledge that it happened and figure out how to proceed from there. progress isn't a straight line. i think if i keep telling myself that, i'll be just fine.
Saturday, November 02, 2013
user SIXFOOT1 (love the username, that's about how tall i am too) commented on my last post and suggested i focus more on my weekly calorie averages than on daily calories. kind of didn't know those existed. SP should make them more obvious, like put them on the homepage or something. anyway, i looked at mine just now, and i'm actually within range for just about everything (except i never seem to eat enough protein). much of the time when i eat out i don't track because i'd spend hours trying to figure out how to estimate the stats for whatever dish i ate, but i feel like even that wouldn't change too much.
i'm feeling a lot better than i did when i wrote my last post. i'm still tracking, but trying to think less about it and more about my hunger levels. it's a lot easier for me to eat when i'm hungry than it is to stop when i'm full, and i've made mistakes (like last night when we went to a sushi buffet and i kind of stuffed myself with no clue how many calories i was eating--yeah, didn't track that at all), but even in those times when i'm not mindful, i've been able to find small victories. i tell myself that a previous version of me would have eaten even more and not even cared. i congratulate myself for sticking to my routine and exercising for 10 minutes or more every day this week (haven't done today's workout yet, but i will when i finish looking over this lecture slide set). when i got home last night from the restaurant, i reminded myself that even though i ate a bit too much sushi and had samplings of other people's entrees even though i was full, there were some little things that i turned down, and even those little things make a difference.
i don't know what the scale and tape measure will say tomorrow when i do my weekly weigh-in and monthly measurements, but right now, i say that i'm doing just fine.
and i also say that a serving of oatmeal with a tbsp each of peanut butter and honey (suggestion from a SP article) was tasty, but almost TOO filling. in contrast, me 20 pounds ago would probably still be hungry. :)
Monday, October 28, 2013
remember how i said i didn't chastise myself for the pastry earlier?
i ended up doing just that. put my head down and cried for a little while.
i've been struggling a lot lately with this idea that apparently i have to be neurotic to be healthy. it doesn't feel normal to do it this way. and every time i try to talk to someone about it, i get, "you should keep tracking because it's been working for you...i love my tracker...reporting every single morsel of food on sparkpeople is just what you have to do," etc. i tried to explain my struggle to my mom, how it becomes less about discipline and more about low self esteem, number obsession and mental punishment on my "bad" days, and she kept going back to, "if you stop tracking, you're going to gain the weight back, and you're going to be unhappy."
first of all, i'm not necessarily planning to give up calorie counting completely, because i know it's part of what got me here (good and bad). i just wonder if i need to change the way i think about it. i don't know where to start with that, and apparently no one else does either. they keep pointing me back to square one.
and i have to ask...is this method of "losing the weight and keeping it off" really worth it if my mental health may be suffering in the process?
(yes, as i went through this internal conflict earlier, i did go to Panera, and i did order the half salad, cup of soup, and apple even though it put me over my range for calories and fat. i don't care so much about that right now, as apparently i have bigger problems).
Monday, October 28, 2013
i ate a pastry after class, knowing that i'm getting dinner with my 1st year little sib at Panera later. a classmate just said, "have a pastry" and i ate it in under a minute, pretty much because she said so. not that it wasn't good, and not that i consider it a "bad" food or something i should regret, but i know i didn't need it. i've been noticing a tendency to eat things because someone tells me to eat them, as if this is an extension of my (unrealistic) desire to please as many people as possible at all times.
of course, better judgment kicked in after the fact, and i tracked the calories. turns out that if i eat what i originally wanted to eat at Panera tonight, i'll be over calories for the day, and i'm over on fat regardless. when i realized that, my heart kind of sank. i didn't start chastising myself like i have in the recent past, but i didn't feel good about it either.
i hate being a slave to the calorie tracker, these numbers. part of me wants to stop tracking altogether, but i'm scared of that. i'm scared of gaining all 18 pounds that i've fought with since last May (and scared of never losing the last 2, even though i've gotten down to that weight before). i want to get to the point where the tracker is more of a reminder instead of a ball and chain. maybe i could just eat what i want (within reason), focus on my hunger levels, and track after the fact so i don't go way overboard on a particular day; i know i'd be a lot happier that way in the long run instead of freaking out every time my count says 1900 instead of 1850.
i think instead of studying on campus until i meet my little, i'll go home and do the exercise i didn't get to this morning. maybe tonight i'll just eat what i originally wanted to eat (a cup of autumn squash soup and half of the new turkey wheatberry salad), stop eating it when i'm full, track the calories, and just CHILL THE F OUT.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
tonight, i made a baked chicken quesadilla and red beans & rice (the reduced sodium box kind). the serving size for the rice is about a cup. when i measured it out put it on my plate with the quesadilla, it looked like a lot. so i scooped half of it off of my plate into a little storage container. planning to use that bit for a burrito sometime next week.
let's examine what this means. i sat down to eat, looked at my plate, and determined i probably would be full before finishing what was there (even though "what was there" was a serving size). this has never happened to me before. ever. and this victorious moment comes after fighting to ignore my appetite earlier in the day (it's a fight i won, mostly).
if this isn't progress, i don't know what is.
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