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Why You Can't Trust the Scale

Thursday, May 03, 2012

So, I bit the bullet last night and asked my son to take some progress shots of me. I probably should have put on better pants as these don't quite fit me anymore, but, alas, such are the woes of "weight loss".

We've all been told a million times that the scale is not a good measure of weight loss. We can fluctuate from day to day. Water retention. Bloating. "Muscle weighs more than fat." (BTW - if you don't already see the flaw in logic behind that one, look harder. The correct phrase is - "Muscle is more dense than fat.") Ya-de-ya-de-ya.

Trust me, I, like so many of you, thought it was nonsense BS fed to people like us that are having trouble staying motivated when we aren't seeing progress on the scale.

Which I haven't.
Like, at all.

The past few months...okay, basically all of this year and the better part of 2011...has looked like friggin' sketch for a very boring roller coaster at a local amusement park when plotted on a graph. My yo-yo plateau has become the source of many "inside jokes" in my family. "Ooh, you're eating a carrot! You're going to gain two pounds!" "Ooh, you went pee?! There goes 5 pounds!"

It's kinda funny...until it's not.

But I'm going to take all of those doubts and worries right out of your pretty little heads right now and tell you the one most important lesson I've learned that you don't want to hear again.

That scale of yours doesn't know JACK!
He's a liar!
He likes to cheat you and trick you and steal from you.
He's only trying to get you down.
He's the worst emotional abuser I've ever had the displeasure of meeting.

And he means NOTHING. I promise.
And I have proof.

What you are about to see are progress pictures from January 2012 to yesterday, May 2, 2012. The weight loss difference displayed in these two pictures is miniscule. About 2-4 pounds, tops...according to that friggin' liar with his little beeping dial of doom.

(And, for the record, I tried to weigh myself today, just for the purposes of this blog. I feel bloated today and I'm likely ABOVE the weight of the January pictures...but three tries on the scale and it was a no-go. Even Mr. Scale knows we're taking a break...and apparently he's none too pleased. Ah-well. Time for him to feel the emotional sting! HAHA!)

Now... on to the photographic evidence.
Before Pictures - January 2012, Weight: 306 pounds
After Pictures - May 2012, Weight: *shrug* Last I checked it was 302 (Sunday)











Be sure to check the waist/hips area, as that's where I've seen the most improvements (well, my legs too, but you can't see them for my poor choice in attire).
There you go. Enjoy!

I would also like to note that the progress you see before you was mostly achieved through strength training in the form of heavy lifting and body weight exercises. LITTLE to NO CARDIO WAS INVOLVED.

Yea, I heard you gasp. Go ahead, don't believe me.

In December of last year I started to develop serious plantar fasciitis in my right foot. It remains to this day (although, thankfully, it has been healing since I've basically sworn off most forms of cardio exercise...even walking). So I stopped running. And Zumba was a no go. And not long after I had to give up most walking workouts as well. Everything bothered my foot (and still does to this day). Yes, even the rowing machine and the bike tweak it, though not as much as the treadmill or the elliptical. So I did the only thing I could...I started lifting and working on building lean muscle.

So for those of you firmly under the belief that you MUST do cardio in order to "lose weight"...well, maybe you're right. Remember, I've only lost, at most, four pounds in 4 months. But, even so, I'm sorry you had to see those pictures...because they might just prove that you can get lean without running 20 miles on the treadmill. *shrug*

(For the record, I'm not saying running is bad. In fact, you can ask most of my closest friends and they'll tell you I miss running so much that it hurts my wee 'lil heart sometimes. I'm just saying that there might be truth in what every figure competitor and bodybuilder has ever said -- Cardio is not necessary to slim down.)

Just in case you've forgotten...here are pictures from exactly 2 years ago today, when I was weighing 403 pounds and just really starting out.



And, just for fun and because we were taking pictures last night...here's my progress on Dancer Pose and Standing Split Pose.

Dancer


Standing Split


For the record, the kids and I only completed one round last night of my crazy homemade circuit. We're going to try to amp it up on Saturday and do 2 or 3 in a row. We've made a competition out of my May "Iso" Goals as well. Each of us put $2 in a jar on the kitchen counter. The person who does the most of the pushups, planks, crunches, burpees, mountain climbers, etc. that I have mapped out for May will win the entire $6 pot. Should be a fun challenge for all of us! I love getting the kids involved (and am SO happy that my oldest, Logan, decided to join Ethan and I in the challenge)!

Stronglift Workout B scheduled for after work tonight...then maybe a late dinner with a friend. We shall see!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CWHEATLEY 5/9/2012 6:54PM

    You are amazing!!! You look absolutely fantastic. I love that you can continue to look beyond what the scale says and are focusing on how you feel and how you look. Keep up the great work!

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CLHENDY1 5/9/2012 1:53PM

    Congrats!! You've made a great transformation! Love the yoga poses at the end! Keep up the good work!

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SUGIRL06 5/8/2012 2:33PM

    LOVE the yoga poses!!!! And look at you! Definitely a different! I agree 100% that weight lifting definitely makes you smaller faster. Paired with cardio is good but like you said, it is difficult for you so you just gotta hit those weights! Put on that muscle girl!
~Ang

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RUSSELLORAMA 5/4/2012 12:16AM

    Disappearing apron! Say buh-bye!

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ATROTTIER 5/3/2012 6:31PM

    awesome!!! yeah the scale is dumb and you are doing great!

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PICKYNICKI 5/3/2012 4:38PM

    I love reading your blogs and seeing your pictures. You are so inspiring!! Keep fighting!

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GETFIT2LIVE 5/3/2012 1:56PM

    Who cares what the scale says when you can SEE the changes in your body? That's why pictures are SOOOOOO helpful--we don't see it in the mirror, but in pictures, there's no denying it. Muscle doesn't weigh less than fat, but it sure takes up a lot less space, and your pictures are proof of that. Way to go!

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IRISHBEANERGAL 5/3/2012 12:31PM

    Your progress is wonderful! And your blog is just what I needed today. I, too, have been staying within the same 5 pounds since Oct 2011. It used to frustrate me - up until about the end of March this year if I'm honest. But since Oct 2011 - little no weight loss, but 3 inches lost on my waist alone! And my other measurements have gone down too. I am into strength training as well, not so much cardio anymore, and as one of my former trainers said "the scale is a b*tch and she LIES" - sounds like your scale and my scale should start dating lol.

Keep up the great work - you have much to be proud of!

~Irish

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MAGPIE17 5/3/2012 12:26PM

    LOOK AT YOUR WAIST, E!!!!

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ERIN1128 5/3/2012 12:04PM

    Wow, you really have lost inches!! Awesome!

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BAYBELIEVER 5/3/2012 11:59AM

    This is awesome! So glad you did this so you could prove to yourself again how amazing you are!

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BECKYB73 5/3/2012 11:25AM

    I LIke this a lot!

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HEALTHY4ME 5/3/2012 11:13AM

    Awesome and ironically my knee is really bothering me today, so though you know you should do some wts, you have the stuff, and you know after menopause.... and then lo and behold yet another proof positive!!
you are doing great!!! keep on doing cos it will soon show on the LIAR lol

HUGS

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CINDYSDAY 5/3/2012 11:01AM

    You are such an inspiration!

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RACHNC26 5/3/2012 11:00AM

    Wow! I am super glad that I ran across your blog. I was just blogging myself about how the scale isn't showing any of the "progress" I am making. I can definitely tell that you have lost weight. Keep up the wonderful work and if you don't mind, I'm going to add you as a friend. I would love to watch your transformation! Thanks again for the motivation and PROOF that the scale is the devil. Lol. Have a wonderful day.

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PIXIEMOM13 5/3/2012 10:46AM

    You look *amazing* and I love your progress pictures.

I'm glad to see you write this... I have been on a stupid see-saw plateau for the past 6 months or so and its really #$%#$#ing me off. (I should take some pictures because I know while the scale hasn't budged +/- 6lbs, I am now can fit in a size smaller than before.)

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DIVEGODDESS 5/3/2012 10:45AM

    I am always telling people to forget the scale!! The number on the scale is just the gravitational pull toward the earth, nothing else!! You look like you lost at least 20 lbs in that picture! Go by how you look, how your clothes fit and your measurements!! Fat takes up more space than muscle!! My example is a rock and a marshmallow of the same size. Which weighs more?

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MARATHON_MOM 5/3/2012 10:31AM

    Lookin' good! I see a big difference in those pictures!

I am a firm believer in the fact that you don't have to do cardio to lose, after the first phase of LiveFit. I only lost .2 (yes, two tenths) of a pound in April, but lost 3.25 inches!



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SARAWALKS 5/3/2012 10:23AM

    THAT IS JUST...WAY. COOL. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ACCT1908 5/3/2012 10:18AM

    OMG GIRLIE!! You look FREAKIN AMAZING!! keep doing what you are doing..it's working!

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FROGGERHKC 5/3/2012 10:18AM

    You are doing amazing! The difference is very noticeable! Fuhk the scale, keep doing what you're doing because it is working! :D

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TREP13 5/3/2012 10:17AM

    What a difference in just four months! All of that ST is really smoothing you out and giving you that coveted hourglass shape. Keep it up! You're looking great!
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CLESSFAT 5/3/2012 10:06AM

    You look amazing! Keep up the great work! You have motivated me!

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THOMS1 5/3/2012 10:04AM

    emoticonYou are looking great! Keep up the good work and I agree the scale is not to be trusted at times. emoticon

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CALLIKIA 5/3/2012 10:03AM

    Yeah, I'm pretty sure that second shot of dancer is me about to fall over. *lol* I can hold it just fine for a while if I'm concentrating but with 2 dogs, Hubs, cars going by thinking I must have lost my mind, and then my son trying to snap pictures...well, concentration wasn't really high up there. :)

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HARMONYBLUE 5/3/2012 10:00AM

    Awesome progress pics and thanks for the yoga pics. It will be interesting to see your pics as you progress through poses. You must have great balance. You might be able to get a shot of me in Dancer if you are quick to do it before i topple over LOL.

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AMANDA_C 5/3/2012 9:49AM

    You look amazing! I think your progress pictures show just how great you are doing & why I hate the scale too! Once I get over this bronchitis I have going on I will be getting back into the fitness & I will definitely be adding more strength training so I can look like you!!!

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LOSE4LIFE47 5/3/2012 9:45AM

    KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!

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What Comes After

Wednesday, May 02, 2012

Yesterday was a great day. It was also a bad day.

Let me start off by thanking all of my new Sparkfriends and the goodie but oldies who stopped by to lend support and encouragement after my "Lightbulb Moment" blog yesterday. (And special thanks again to my girl Karvs - she's back! - for inspiring it.) I wrote it mostly for me, but also for all of you...because I think we all need to empower ourselves. No matter what shape, size, or configurement (*lol*) we have our own worth...we just have to learn to reach out and claim it.

But as much as I can tell you that the scale doesn't run my life, just know that, like most of you, it still haunts me. I had to force myself to stay off of it this morning. Breaking up is hard to do my friends...but he was no good for me and we really do need some time apart.

This morning I almost did backslide, though. (Thanks, New Girl for the new phrase!)

In addition to this difficult breakup, my life is full of chaos and turmoil right now as changes have been set in motion that seem to be defining the next chapter of my life. Hubs is moving into a new venture and while it's exciting and promising as all get out, I'm the kinda girl that both loves change and is scared as hell by it. Add to that my new part-time job, which is also promising, but poses its own set of challenges and, well, I haven't slept in about two weeks. Not really. I'll fall asleep and then wake up gasping because of all the worries that are plaguing me. (Hubs says it's pretty annoying, actually... *lol* I told him he should be thankful he's been able to actually sleep and not have to live it.)

But yesterday, after finally owning up and releasing some of my weight loss woes...
Last night I slept.
I slept long and hard.
And I even woke up this morning at 4am for my morning workout...
and then chose to sleep some more.

Don't worry, I'll get my workout in. I've been looking forward to this one for two days, actually. I'm going to get started on checking off my "iso" stuff from my May goal sheet. I've created a killer (probably) circuit that I can do ANYWHERE. Which meant I didn't need to go to the gym at all today if I didn't want to. I think that in itself also released a lot of my fears and tensions and worries allowing me to sleep last night. I even asked my youngest (who has been working out about 4 times a week with my NTC app in an effort to condition himself for the upcoming football season) if he maybe wanted to do it with me tonight.

I can't tell you how pumped I am.
And scared.
But mostly pumped.

I think I might actually challenge my son to join me this month and see if we both can't hit my May goals...and see if there's any he'd like to add to them. Maybe each weekend we'll challenge each other in to a "Workout Off" (kinda like a dance off, but with ST moves and stuff). Could be fun, right?

If I learned anything yesterday after reading and watching brilliant blogs and vlogs from MOSTMOM1 (seriously, check her out! it's inspiring!) it's that exercise doesn't have to be dull and boring. Sure, some of it is serious business (my Stronglift 5x5), but the rest can be fun and silly and goofy.

I think it's high time I brought some fun back into this world of mine!

Goals for today:

* Eat on track. I'm going to shoot for an average calorie intake of 2147. I like the oddness of that number. *lol*

* Stay away from the ice cream! *lol*

* Workout tonight with my son. Here's our circuit, which we'll do 2x:

15 modified pushups
1 minute mountain climbers
15 regular crunches
5 burpees
1 minute plank
1 minute jump rope
15 raised leg crunches
1 minute mountain climbers
15 pushups
5 burpees
15 "BigTinys"
1 minute jump rope
1 minute modified plank
1 minute mountain climbers
15 reverse crunches
5 burpees
1 minute side plank
15 oblique crunches (each side)

Breathe! and Repeat once

* Take progress pictures.

One other challenge for myself. I'd like to start photographically recording the new yoga challenge moves I've set for myself. For the record, a while back I challenged myself with Dancer Pose:


I had to hold onto support at first, but now I can do this pretty consistently (though it's not exactly pretty and graceful yet! *lol*). I still have more work to do to get it a little more advanced:


(Nowhere near this yet!)

And then last month I challenged myself with a standing split:


At first I simply raised one leg from downward dog pose. Then I progressed to bringing my arms in closer to my leg. Just yesterday I was able to bend at the waist while bringing one foot in the air behind me and place my hands on the floor next to my foot. But my back leg isn't quite straight yet...that's the progress I'll have to make (if possible).

I thought to myself yesterday, though... Wouldn't it be nice for all of you to see this big girl struggle and then progress through poses most people would think aren't possible? *shrug* It could lend some support to people out there who have that silly mindset that fat girls don't do yoga. I promise you, they do. (At least, this one does!) And it'll be a great reminder to me of other NSVs I've marked down along this thing I no longer call a journey of weight loss but a journey of self-betterment.

Any interest in seeing some not graceful attempts at some beautiful poses? *lol*
And feel free to hit me with new pose challenges, but understand that I might have to turn some down because I have considerations (back issues, a misaligned pelvis, osteoarthritis in my knees, and a calcified ligament in my neck) that have to be taken into account. (Not to mention body weight, which does affect my ability to do some moves.

Have a happy day, everyone! It's May! Only 8 weeks until summer! Let's make 'em count!!
emoticon now... emoticon later! :)

(Photos courtesy of www.magnetictimes.com.au and www.yogajournal.com.)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGIRL06 5/8/2012 2:30PM

    I love the yoga idea! I love yoga period and like trying new poses too. Haven't done it in a while though!
~Ang

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ROMNEY3 5/3/2012 11:37AM

    would love yoga pictures, then maybe I could figure out how to start.
LOL


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HEALTH-E-CLARE 5/3/2012 8:45AM

    I just love the fact that you and your son are doing workouts together! I might steel that workout tonight because I have limited time between work and dinner.

Love the yoga pose challenge too. Can't wait ot see your poses and how they are progressing.

Let's rock the month of May!

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TEMPENATIVE 5/2/2012 10:00PM

    thanks for describing the big tiny, im gonna have to read that a few more times before I attempt lol

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AMANDA_C 5/2/2012 1:54PM

    Thank you - my day has not been too wonderful & I needed your blog.

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ERIN1128 5/2/2012 12:38PM

    You're killin' it!

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SUGARSMOM2 5/2/2012 10:23AM

  good work out . keep up the this feeling good about yourself .

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JIBBIE49 5/2/2012 10:23AM

    emoticon

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HARMONYBLUE 5/2/2012 9:48AM

    I not only love the idea of you photographing yourself progressing through these yoga poses, I think I might steal it.

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VICKYMARIEC 5/2/2012 9:34AM

    I LOVE progress pics and workout pics. I'm a HUGE picture taker so i love seeing pics of others. I REALLY love the idea of you and your son working out together. What better way to help one another and spend some time together. Now how about this hubs of yours? If he doesn't want to workout he COULD take some pics of the two of you while you two are working out. Looking forward to seeing how your workout goes tonight!

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SARAWALKS 5/2/2012 9:22AM

    I read your blog yesterday and LOVED it but didn't manage to write. So happy you slept well last night! Go for those yoga poses, I love yoga and you are reminding me how much I used to enjoy those classes. Off to approximate some sun salutations... emoticon and I do mean approximate! emoticon

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CALLIKIA 5/2/2012 9:16AM

    BigTinys...hrm. It's one my trainer had me do and I don't know that it's the actual name of a workout. Let me see if I can figure it out... *lol* Nope, can't find it. I'll try to describe it.

Lay on the ground on your back. Raise both arms straight above your head, legs straight out below you (below you? ...you know what I mean... *lol*). That's the "big" part...now for the tiny. You bring your legs in, bending at the knees, while at the same time you bring your arms in, bending at the elbows - knees to elbows (making yourself "tiny" according to Tanner, my trainer *lol*). Then back to big, and so forth. Does that make sense?

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GREFF13 5/2/2012 9:14AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

I love New Girl! Also keep up on the goals! I am have chose mine and now are working towards them.

Those yoga poses would kill me! lol I pretty much enjoy any type exercise except yoga and I don't know why that is.

Best of luck!

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BAYBELIEVER 5/2/2012 9:06AM

    And what are big tinys?? That's a heck of a workout! You should feel pretty great about yourself after that! Keep that trend of feeling great about yourself going!!

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Voted Popular Blog Post: View All Popular Posts

Celebrating Achievements - 115+ Pounds Lost With Spark!

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

My girl Karvs said it best yesterday when she said, "I'm glad that May means that you won't be fixated on getting to the 200s for good..." She's right you know? I have been fixated on this one goal since about 2005. I busted my butt to get out of the 400s and then the 300s just mocked me for years. "You're 300 pounds!" became quite the negative mantra in my head. I belittled myself and berated myself while I watched other people enter the 200s and even the 100s without looking back.

What was wrong with me?
Where did I go wrong?
Sure, I'm not perfect...but certainly they weren't either.
I was making excuses for myself.
I was doing everything I could and nothing was working.
I was meant to be 300 pounds.
I was never going to succeed.
I was never going to have what I wanted.
Eat less, exercise more.
Eat more, exercise less.
Eat whatever, don't exercise...because it doesn't really matter anyhow.
Ooh! 298! Yay! I did it.
Oh, sh!t. Back to the 300s. *sobs*

Truthfully, I've put my family through hell over this. I can't tell you how many times I've started a week yelling and screaming and acting like a 5-year-old ranting about how life isn't fair and telling them that something MUST be wrong with me. Telling them I was weak. Telling them I wasn't good enough. And all the time still trying to make it work. I'd spend the better part of each Sunday in tears, and then I'd pull myself up on Monday and try again. And got disappointed again. And round and round we went.

I'm sure that my AB girls and my Spark Friends are sick to death of hearing about my struggle to reach 299...or, as I prefer, 298. (Because, for some reason, 299 isn't "good enough" either.) I've ranted and raved and talked about giving up more times than I can count.

But the worst part of all is that I've let myself believe this BS I have floating around in my head.

I'm going to have an Oprah moment here, so bear with me. The other day as I was flipping through the channels, I saw one of Oprah's "Life Class" episodes on OWN and Tony Robbins was on. I caught a few glimpses of him talking to some woman about success, and why we think we always fail to achieve it...and how we can get past that and grab success by the horns and ride off into the sunset. He had the woman stand up and he asked her, "Whose love did you want more than anyone's growing up? Mom or Dad?" The woman was taken aback. Whose love did you WANT the most? I answered the question in my head along with the woman on stage. Dad's. I know this. I fought for years to MAKE him love me...and he never would...nothing I could do could make him love me the way I wanted him to...the way I NEEDED him to. Tony: "And what could you never be for him?" The woman thought for a while and then finally answered in an "ah-ha moment" type way...but I don't remember a word of what she said. Because the one word that popped into my head (and hasn't left since) is "enough". I could never be enough for my father. I wasn't strong enough, brave enough, smart enough, pretty enough, clever enough. It didn't matter what I did, I lived my entire childhood trying desparately to simply be "enough"....good enough for him to love me. And time after time I fell short.

I remember camping once. My parents were Girl Scout leaders and we didn't have a lot of money so camping was a go-to vacation idea for the summer. We were camping as a family once and my father and I were tossing a softball back and forth. I remember so clearly him throwing the ball at me with all his might, me missing it in my glove and it pummeling me in leg. I felt like my lower leg bone was shattering. I collapsed and starting crying. Holy HELL that hurt! And then I remember the remarks that came flying out of his mouth. I was a wimp. (Not strong enough.) Why the hell was I crying? (Not tough enough.) He wasn't going to "play" with me anymore if I was going to act like that. (Not worthy enough of his time.) I got up. I made myself stop crying. It still hurt. I could still feel it burning. I wiped my tears and grabbed the ball, but he was gone. And we never played catch again after that. I kept thinking in my head that I wasn't "boy enough" for him. Even from a young age I knew he would have rather had a boy than a "stupid, silly girl". He already had my sister and she was perfect...so why did he need a flawed little girl after that?

This memory haunts me to this day. And there are plenty more "not enoughs" to go with it. (And if my father were to read this, he'd go on and on about how horrible I am because I only remember the bad things and none of the good. But all of the good I remember was followed by moments like these...moments of "not enough" berated into my head over and over again.)

So as I've fought for this milestone I thought was the most important thing I could ever achieve in my life - hitting the 200s - and didn't make it, it became very clear to me...I wasn't good enough at this. I didn't deserve it. I wasn't worthy.

emoticon

What?!?!

Hold the flippin' phone there, buddy!
You aren't "good enough" to lose weight? WTF is that about?
How does that even make sense?

When Karvs (Okay, I know her screenname is RUNNINGCHUNKY now, but she will always be my Karvs) said that it hit me right square in the gut. In a good way.

"Single-minded to the point of recklessness." (2 points if you know what movie that's from.)

I promised you all progress pics...but I don't have them taken yet. But even taking my monthly "face shot" hit me today...as well as looking at some pics on my phone I'd taken of myself throughout the month of April.


That's me in 2009. See me? Hiding WAAAAY in the back. Covering myself up with my own children as human camera shields? You gotta look closely.

I had given up the fight then. I didn't think I was strong enough to keep fighting. So I just gave up.

And then April 19, 2010, less than a year later, I woke the fluck up. Finally.
I joined Spark and stopped hiding. (You can note, I even let my Sparkversary pass without a second thought...because I didn't seem to care about that number either.)
At 416.2 pounds, I thought nothing of whether I was any "enough" to do anything. I just put my chin down and went forward. Come what may. If I failed, so what? If I succeeded, cool. But I just wanted to try.

It came on like a storm.
*I* came on like a storm.
I did things I wasn't supposed to be "enough" to do.

I wasn't skinny or fit enough to walk a 5k - especially not one with a monster hill to start - just 4 months after trying to lose weight.


I guess I didn't realize that at the time.

I wasn't "cool enough" to meet one of my Spark idols. Someone who inspires me still to this day.


It took two seconds of Hello to vanish that thought from my mind.

I wasn't cool enough to be anyone anyone wanted to know about.


But I became a Spark Motivator anyhow.

I wasn't tough enough to brave a gym with all the hard bodies and rock hard abs staring my fat belly in the face.


Well, maybe sometimes I just "faked" my way through...

Suddenly...I stopped hiding and started shining. I kept a strict record of each recorded weight for each picture I took and, yet, I don't remember how "big" I was when I hiked for 5.5 hours after getting lost in June of 2010. I do remember being brave enough to climb over rocks bigger than I was and walking down narrow slick paths that should have meant the death of me. I remember my family telling me how great it was that I remembered to pack filling, healthy, protein and fiber packed meals. To this day Hubs remarks that had I not packed properly, we likely would not have made it through that hike in one piece.




I was silly enough and good enough to be included in "reunion" type anniversary photos of my aunt's wedding (I was the flower girl around age 4 or so).


I was "brave enough" to buy my first car...and take a full-body side shot in front of it.


I was chic enough to visit the Greenbrier Resort in White Sulphur Springs.


I was "fit enough" to start running.


I was strong enough to run a mile without stopping.


I was seriously done hiding.


And I began to reclaim the life I once dreamed I would have.

It didn't matter that I was "still 300 pounds". It didn't matter that my weight loss had stalled out like the fading embers of a fire long forgotten. None of that mattered the tiniest bit.

And as I looked through my pictures and thought, "My! How I've changed!" A thought occurred to me...



No...I haven't...not really.

I've always been bold and silly and goofy and wild and crazy.
I've never accepted that what other people say I can do is the limit of my abilities.

For no matter how many times I was told I was not "enough"...I knew that I could show myself, if not anyone else, that I was more than enough. I mattered. I was important.

I'm not here today to boast that I'm in the 200s now.
In fact, I refused to weigh myself this morning.
I'm done weighing myself right now...because Karvs made me realize how reckless I've been to become so fixated on a silly number.

I've come to celebrate the fact that not only have I lost 115 pounds with Spark...and not only have I lost more than 165 pounds through simple changes in diet and exercise since 2005...my biggest accomplishments are a different set of numbers entirely.

Numbers like:
3.1 - My first 5k, and several that have followed
1 - The first mile I ever ran without stopping
5 - The total number of miles I was able to run without stopping
2 - The number of children that have changed their eating habits and have started playing outside more and exercising and being more active
1 - The number of Husbands I aim to shock each and every time I hit another NSV

And even more important are other numbers that don't even have a definite value, because they are too numerous to count...

The number of pictures I've "posed" for without trying to hide since April 2010.
The number of times I refused to give up even when it got hard.
The number of people whose lives may have been touched just a tiny bit by my unwillingness to give up, even though the road is long and full of dusty, rocky, bone-shattering pot holes.
The number of people I have encouraged to try, or to keep going, or to give it a go simply by setting a good example.
The number of times I've allowed myself to be brave, and goofy, and wild, and vulnerable in front of other people, always afraid I won't be "enough" for them, but never letting that stop me from trying.

Remember, the scale is not the end all, be all of this journey.

It's in the number of steps you take toward living a healthier life.
It's in the lowered risk of death and disease from having a healthy heart and lungs.
It's certainly in the number of pounds you can squat on a barbell! ;)

For now, the scale has been excused from this journey.
I don't know if it will return on Sunday for weigh-in, or if I will stay away from it for several weeks or all of May.
It's really not all that important.

What IS important is...

...the number of beads of sweat pouring down your face in the gym.
...the number of grunts coming out of your mouth when the going gets tough and the lift is pretty hard.
...the number of swipes of a gym card.
...the number of minutes spent cooking healthy meals, making healthy plans, feeding a healthy heart with the proper nutrition and exercise.
...and the number of breaths that this new chosen life of ours has allowed us...simply because we took the first step, and followed it with another, and refused to give up or give in or say die.


I'm good enough to put the time and effort into....are you?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BEST_OF_ARIN 5/11/2012 11:52PM

    This blog had me in tears (in a great way!). You are truly a great inspiration. I'm so glad I came across your blog. Thank you for sharing your story and keep up the amazing attitude! emoticon

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VOLLEYGIRL77 5/10/2012 11:31AM

    Amazing blog!!!

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DIAMONDBLUE24 5/9/2012 4:34PM

    Aaaaand. . . you'll be writing a book about your journey when? You're a very talented writer and your story would benefit so many. It is so nice to read a post like this from someone who has lost so much and is still on the journey. I have a hard time relating to people who have lost 25 pounds and are now at their goal. I'm thinking, "I've lost 40, but there are 60 to go. . . "

So THANK YOU!!!!

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GOIN4GR8 5/9/2012 12:15AM

    GREAT blog--thank you!

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LUVTOBOWL 5/8/2012 5:36PM

    What an inspirational blog. Thanks for encouraging me. Keep going, I know you will. emoticon

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SUGIRL06 5/8/2012 2:27PM

    emoticon
You rock chica!!! Loved reading this blog! I have hit a dip in the road lately too, both with weight loss (hello gain and plateau!) and in my motivation. Reading this reminded me of all the things I was doing last year! I may have taken a step away for a while but I've slowly started getting back into them because the things we do are what really matters, not he number on the scale!
~Ang

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YOYONOMA 5/7/2012 4:39PM

    Amazing blog and awe-inspiring! Thank you for the boost!

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SABRINALONDON21 5/7/2012 4:14PM

    This is truly an awesome blog and your journey is truly an inspiration; you have kept trying. I can relate with you on a couple of point: I have finally come to accept that we will never have the relationship I would have wanted, I just have to keep trying to connect with him and since september I keep on gaining and losing the same 5 kgs it is annoying as hell but every day I try again...I have also despaired, maybe this is it maybe this is what I am meant to be... Stories like yours reinforce my belief that it is all about perseverance! Very well done!

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JENJI_RUNNER 5/7/2012 3:39PM

    I love the way you write. Keep up the amazing journey.

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STAYCXL-NOMORE 5/7/2012 11:23AM

    Thanks for sharing your great story AMAZING !!
Stayc

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LOLAJO54 5/6/2012 8:09PM

    emoticon

You bet I am!

emoticon

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JENNCABA 5/6/2012 11:02AM

    GREAT BLOG!! YOU LOOK GREAT emoticon

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MADE-FOR-MORE 5/5/2012 11:08PM

    I really needed to hear this. This is everything I am going through right now.
Thank you

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SASSYLJB 5/5/2012 3:31PM

    Such great words, thanks for the reminder. I still have not allowed pics maybe I should! BTW you look amazing!

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IRISHBKLYNSTAR 5/5/2012 11:27AM

    Amazing blog! Thank you for posting and sharing your journey! Your are such great inspiration and motivation. You are worth it! :)

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NEWMOM20121 5/5/2012 9:50AM

    Thank you so much for sharing your journey. What an inspiration you are. Love, love the blog. Congratulations on all the hard work you have done.

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RAMONAFLOWERZ 5/5/2012 9:10AM

    Wow. What a great blog! So very inspiring! Thank you. I'm struggling over here, but this was just what I needed to read first thing this morning. THANK YOU,

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JCDROLSHAGEN 5/5/2012 8:54AM

    Looking good!

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RACHEL-SPARKS 5/5/2012 8:35AM

    You inspire me. What an amazing blog. Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us. emoticon

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MICHELLESMILES_ 5/5/2012 7:49AM

    Great Blog! ( I saw you the other day you look amazing!)

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ANDYLIN90 5/5/2012 2:08AM

    You are gorgeous!! And I loved this blog; thanks for posting!

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3G1RLS4ME 5/5/2012 12:26AM

    Way cool totally hit home I started crying in the middle Ty great blog keep it up k never give up

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KLMINDA 5/4/2012 6:14PM

    Absolutely right! Our value is not determined by a number on a scale!

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MAMA_CD 5/4/2012 4:31PM

    Absolutely, a wonderful inspiration, Thank-you for sharing! Congratulations, you are worth it!

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NADINEBX 5/4/2012 4:16PM

    Thanks for sharing with us. Each of us have some issues that we need you think about and settle. Try to live for today and consider all the special love ones and people around you. Your wonderful post reminds each of us that we are important in the lives of DH & kids. We need to keep ourselves health & happy.
You Girl seem like you are on a mission !! There's nothing that feels better than feeling good about yourself.

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BRIGHTSUN4 5/4/2012 3:33PM

    Great!!! What an inspiration. emoticon You are the best. You are enough. Look in that mirror and know that you are loved. emoticon

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MARITIMER3 5/4/2012 2:55PM

    Yes, darn it, I am worth it. Thanks for the great blog.

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MOMOMAR 5/4/2012 2:03PM

    This is the best blog I've read on Spark, bar none. You go girl!

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RBS100 5/4/2012 1:34PM

  Very inspiring!

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ELECTRICITY3699 5/4/2012 12:39PM

    Very nice blog. Thank you! You look so amazing!

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CPILLS1970 5/4/2012 11:50AM

  Thank you for your blog! There are so many non scale-related victories to celebrate, and thank you for the reminder! emoticon

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AZURELITE 5/4/2012 11:48AM

    emoticon

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KAYEREADER 5/4/2012 11:04AM

    Awesome!!! Thanks for sharing.

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FABAT40 5/4/2012 10:25AM

    You are beautiful, thanks for letting us see you and in turn some of ourselves. Rock on sister, rock on.

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ALL_THE_WAY 5/4/2012 10:19AM

  This spoke right to my heart and brought tears to my eyes. I have battled this for years. My dad passed away in Jan. and I never felt I was good enough for him. But I can forgive him and know that no matter what he did or didn't do or said or didn't say, I am valuable. I'm worth the time each and every day to make my self healthy and happy. Thank you for such an inspiring post and reminding me of why somedays I beat myself up so bad, and that I need to stop doing that. You go girl. emoticon

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JENNIFERSTAM 5/4/2012 9:08AM

  You go girl!!!

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THINGETTINOUT 5/4/2012 8:55AM

    You are awesome. Keep it up

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CYNTSATIONAL 5/4/2012 8:49AM

    Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you ... You are an A&AW (AMAZING & AWESOME WOMAN)! Thank you for the reminder and the inspiration. We forget the milestones and focus on the shortcomings. Thanks for the honesty. Keep SPARKing!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BONDGIRLPR 5/4/2012 8:35AM

    Thank you sooo much for this. I had a set back of almost 20lbs and I feel sooo defeated! I've been exercising consistenly for over a month now and the scale says "you lost 0.8lbs" are you kidding me???? I know there are things I can improve, but it is so frustrating! Thank you for your honesty and openess I really needed a boost to keep going because like you, I was about to give up. It seems no matter what I do the scale do not care.

Thank you for reminding me that the scale is not all. That I should be celebrating my over 750 exercise minutes this past April.

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NICOLEBALLINGER 5/4/2012 8:16AM

    LOVE IT, LOVE IT, LOVE IT!!! What a GREAT post! You have inspired me, and have taught me a very valuable lesson: I AM good enough and I AM worthy of reaching my weight loss goals. And you will definitely make it well into the 200's. Many thanks!! emoticon

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THEIS58 5/4/2012 7:18AM

    Inspiring!

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KATHYGOULDSMITH 5/4/2012 4:50AM

    Is is bad that I want to be you? I am much older and not nearly as spunky, but I want this feeling for myself!

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LUCINDARW 5/4/2012 12:20AM

    Thank you for the inspiring words and the question to think about. You are worth every minute that you spend on yourself. emoticon

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FRIENDOFBACH 5/3/2012 11:48PM

  What an inspiration you are!
emoticon

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MRSGONZALES2010 5/3/2012 9:59PM

  emoticon
I just started spark people last week. I just started working out and eating right also. This has given me some inspiration to keep moving forward. so thanks.

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LADYGSC 5/3/2012 9:16PM

    emoticon emoticon You are truly an inspiration! Keep on sparking!!


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JIBBIE49 5/3/2012 8:41PM

    emoticonHow wonderful to see you as the FEATURED BLOG in the Sparks Mail. What an honor. emoticon

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MINKYJAM 5/3/2012 8:22PM

    1. you're awesome. don't ever forget it. honest, gutsy, hard work. you've got it.

2. i think we have the same car! honda insight?!

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FRYGAL1 5/3/2012 5:43PM

    I so hear you on this - sometimes, our Dads do a number on us, hey? I remember clearly the day my father commented to my mother that, once I lost weight, my boyfriend would "really have something." That boyfriend already had something, overweight or not, and he still does - together for 23 years, married for 17. And he has never made me feel lesser than I am. And yet that voice in my head...thank you for this post. It has really spoken to me, and it will be a great help to me as I move forward on this journey. emoticon

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ITSTIMEFORMENOW 5/3/2012 5:42PM

    I AM NEW TO SPARK, AND I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT YOUR BLOG WAS GREAT. IT MOTIVATES ME TO GO OUT AND DO SOMETHING WITH MYSELF. I SEE SO MUCH IN YOU AND YOU HAD ME LAUGHING AND ALMOST IN TEARS. I WOULD HAVE START CRYING, BUT I AM IN THE LIBRAARY!! THEY WOULD HAVE THOUGHT I WAS HAVING A MELT DOWN. I WEIGH 360, AND I FELT LIKE THAT I COULD NOT DO IT, BUT I KNOW THAT I HAVE TO TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME, AND THAT IS WHAT I AM GOING TO DO. THANK YOU AND BE BLESSED!!! emoticon

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April Recap/May Goals - And Time for Serious Reflection

Monday, April 30, 2012

So, here we go again. Time to make a few changes.

I hate to say it but after just 2 days of working my new job it has become apparent to me that LiveFit won't exactly fit into my lifestyle right now. Friday wasn't so bad. I spent about 7 hours on the computer in the office doing training videos and quizzes (think I only missed 3 questions total from the 26 videos/quizzes!) and then another 30 minutes or so filling out paperwork and talking to my new boss about what I would be doing. Saturday, however, was 5 horrendous hours on the register. There was no "watch me" prep time, they just immediately put me to work with one of the more veteran cashiers looking over my shoulder all day. I noticed a few things off the bat. (1) My PF HATES standing in one place for long periods of time. (2) 15 minutes is not long enough of a break to potty and eat and sit down and just breathe and relax during a 5-hour shift. (3) Say goodbye to 5-hour shifts because I think they're going to be 8-hour shifts from here on out. I did get Sunday off, which gave me some much needed time to get some cleaning done, go grocery shopping (I know! But after working there, you really don't want to spend another hour shopping too!), and get as much laundry as possible done.

It doesn't help that I've been sick since last Monday (serious tummy issues, no kidding!) and haven't been able to sleep very much for about that long as well. (I literally must've tossed and turned in bed for over an hour, shaking and convulsing at certain points because I could not get my body to just rest.) I missed my morning workout time this morning. I'm going to try to make up for it at lunch.

Plus, I was off Wednesday and Thursday sick...and while I attempted a workout with my FIL's weight bench on Wednesday, I discovered that his setup is not conducive to my LiveFit workouts and that my back literally HATES his smaller barbell. I had to tweak a few exercises and then had to quit early because any more would've done serious damage to two major areas that I have to protect - my lower back where I have a faulty disk issue and my neck, which has a calcified ligament in it that can cause serious pain and migraines if it starts to pinch the nerves there. So while I was squating 130 pounds and feeling fine in my legs doing it, my back started complaining and I had to give in and quit.

So, yes, things have to change.

I have options. I can quit working out.
No, seriously, that is an option. I can say WTF and give up right here and now. I'd have every right to. I hear people all the time working a full-time job and taking care of a family that complain that they can't find the time to exercise...can't find the motivation to cook/eat right. I'm working 2 jobs now. I'm not sure when my next day off will be, it could not be until May 8th when I get an actual "holiday" from my FT job (but I've considering letting the PT job know I can work that day if they wish as I won't be able to work Friday that week). I could just say it's too much. I'm not getting any sleep. I'm tired all the time. When do I have time to actually workout?

But I won't say no quite yet. Not without a serious effort to make it work.
So I'm coming up with a more flexible plan. Something I might be able to make work...somehow. If I try hard enough. And give myself permission to admit when it's too much and I need an unscheduled day off.

I'd say that this might slow down my weight loss, but who are we kidding? I weighed in at 302.2 yesterday. Cool, right? Not. Same stupid flip-flopping I've been doing all year, plus some months in 2011. I haven't had a steady weight loss since 2010 honestly. And I've come to accept that this, like other parts of my life, is just going to be the way it is. I've fought for everything else...why not this. Other people WILL get it easy. I watch people all the time graduate college or even just HS and land a dream job and buy a house and get married and have babies and have the 2.2 picket fence life we're all taught to want (and some, rightly so, rebel against). But not me. I've been fighting since day one when I popped out and broke my collarbone in minute 1 of my life. Why did I think this would be any different. Do the right things, keep doing them, still get no results, never say die and keep going and maybe, one day, when everyone has already forgotten what you were fighting for in the first place, you might get somewhere that's close to the goal you always wanted to achieve and a few people will notice and say "yay!" with you, and then you'll use that as a tool, a guide, for the next fight you encounter.

(Note: This is not a "woe is me" type thing...I'm just reasoning with myself that giving up should never be in my vocabulary because I've been here before, I've seen that tree, and I've fought tooth and nail and gotten past it before.)

emoticon
Time for the April recap.

First of all, my main goal was to do 21/21 LiveFit workouts.
I won't make that. I missed Thursday, Friday and Saturday. I can't go back in time.
However, I did have one unscheduled "supervised workout" that counts as ST as it was a circuit with lifting involved. So +1 for me. And I plan on getting today's workout done at lunch or, if all else fails, after work. (Though it may not be the LiveFit one planned...it probably won't be, actually.)
So that will mean I got 19 of 21 workouts complete. I can't fault myself for that.
PLUS, I actually started on 3/26, so I stuck through an entire month of those workouts. So I was 22 for 25 overall (not including the non-LiveFit workout I included above).

I only got in 2 of the cardio workouts in that last week, but that's okay. I know what I can do. I know better how to manage my PF.

Plus, I learned a WHOLE lot about how to eat better, healthier, and more fulfilling food. I have new recipes to lean on. And I'm taking those with me into the next phase.

I still don't know what right amount of calories I'll need to eat. And right now I can't think about that. I can't think about much of anything, actually. And that's where my May plan will change drastically from any other plan I've had before. Less thinking, more just doing what I can, checking off the list, putting away the scale and not really worrying too much about where I am one month from now. My only goal is not to give up. It's a big goal, so for those of you out there just getting up once or twice a week and trying again when you don't feel like it - know that your efforts to simply NOT give up are something to be praised and respected.

Going out on a good note...I think I might just eek out 1,000 fitness minutes. We shall see. I think I have to do a 45 minute workout today...which I'll have to break up into two parts to make...but I'll do my best.

emoticon
So now for the plan beyond "Don't Quit!" I'm going to set concrete, reasonable goals. And then I'm going to strive every week to make them happen...even if it's not done the "right" way.

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Food -

*Attempt your very best to eat healthy 80% of the time.

*Try not to eat out more than 3 times this month. (This does not include food bought at the store, as you can make healthy choices there that don't include sodium-rich restaurant and fast food nonsense.)

*Enlist the help of your boys to help with healthy dinners.

*Stay within your calorie ranges, no matter what you eat.
I'm going to just use the Spark ranges for now. *shrug*

emoticon
Workouts

I've got a few options, but I'm thinking for right now I'm going to try the Stronglift 5x5 program. It only requires 3 45-minute sessions each week. It's compound movements which should hit all the major muscle groups. I don't care about the claims about how it will build all these muscles and help me lose oodles of body fat. I mean, that'd be great and all, but the only thing I've been looking for is something that requires no more than 3-4 days of commitment from me each week. I just don't think I can promise myself any more than that.

Sunday - Rest
Monday - Stronglift 5x5
Tuesday - Iso and Cardio
Wednesday - Stronglift 5x5
Thursday - Iso & Cardio
Friday - Rest
Saturday - Iso and Cardio

For "Iso" I mean isolation exercises, which Stronglift says are not important, but I don't really mean bicep curls and such. In fact, what I want to do includes more compound movements and I probably 'shouldn't' do them on top of the Stronglift stuff, but I don't care. I need more to measure than just the Stronglift weight increases and whether I get 3 a week. (Plus, I think 3 a week is a "wimp" week. I'd rather have 4-5 days of working out for at least 30 minutes each week to keep my fitness levels up.) So I want measurable goals other than simple "I did this many out of this many workouts this month" or whatever. So I'm picking my most and least favorite things and I'm going to "fitness test" myself with them in a way.

Pushups - Modified and Regular
Plank - Regular, Modified, and Modified Side
Burpees - because they're wonderful torture
Mountain Climbers - for the same reason
Crunches - Regular, Legs in the Air, "BigTinys", Reverse, Oblique

If I did just 5 of these each day in May, I will have done 155 of each of them (countable in that way) by May 31st. I'm shooting for 200, but 150 will be the goal. (And I'm not saying I'll just do 5 a day. I may skip doing pushups all week and then do a whole bunch one day. *shrug* However I work it out, these are measurable goals.)

Pushups (Modified) - 0/150
Pushups (Regular) - 0/150
Burpees - 0/150
Crunches (Regular) - 0/150
Crunches (Legs Raised) - 0/150
Crunches (BigTinys) - 0/150
Crunches (Reverse) - 0/150
Crunches (Oblique/Side) - 0/150

As for the Mountain Climbers - I want to commit to 30 minutes of them throughout the month. Same for Planks.

Mountain Climbers - 0/30 minutes
Plank (Regular) - 0/30 minutes
Plank (Modified) - 0/30 minutes
Plank (Modified Side) - 0/30 minutes

So that's what I mean by "Iso" in my routine. I don't necessarily have to do it that day, but I want to give myself a couple reminders each week so I'm not trying to pull off 150 crunches of each type on May 31st just to hit my goal.

As for the Cardio. Real simple. 2-3 times a week. Aiming for 30 minutes. In any form whatsoever. Zumba for Kinect. Wii Adventures. Walking the dogs. What the hell ever. I have to take it easy, but I want to keep my cardiovascular strength up. I like my 60bpm HR and I'd hate to have it rise because I'm not pushing it here and there. As with everything else, the goal is to keep going, don't quit, and just see what happens.

So that's the plan, Stan.

In addition to this, I'm reading NROLFW. It's come highly recommended, so I figure it will keep my motivation up. Plus, it's on my phone so I can read it on breaks at work or whenever I have a free moment.

Going to try to take some progress pics tonight, as Hubs says that my body has changed drastically even if the weight doesn't want to change at all. He says he thinks progress pics will help me see that (and I'm deathly afraid I'll just be disappointed by them). I know my body is changing. My hips are shrinking, which has meant a loss in some of my curves, but anything that reduces the size of my hips/waist generally means a loss to unwanted belly fat so I'll take it.

So, yeah...off we go...into the Goonies stage of our plan. ;)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGIRL06 5/8/2012 2:19PM

    I was going to say "do what you can" but you figured that out on your own! LoL. When I am that busy, I just make an effort to do some sort of workout when I have the time. You are super busy! But you will get through this and find time for yourself!
~Ang
PS. LOVE New Rules!

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BOB240 4/30/2012 5:57PM

    Barbell squats replace with either dumbell squats

http://www.youtube.com/watc
h?v=YqYi90vp8m4


or harder Bulgarian split squats

https://www.t-nation.
com/free_online_article/most_re
cent/bulgarian_split_squats&cr=

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BOB240 4/30/2012 5:53PM

    simply brilliant............

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ATROTTIER 4/30/2012 4:52PM

    I love how you never quit even when life throws many curveballs your way!! I'm totally thinking of you and cheering you on! I want to take on a 2nd job as well but I need to really consider all the aspects of doing that, it's difficult but we have to do what we have to do for our families, you are incredible and I love your plan!

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ROMNEY3 4/30/2012 1:34PM

    Yup looks like you have a plan, so go for it. And like you said all you can do sometimes is not quit! take it one step at a time. And yup you will still some of us right there with you when you reach goal no matter how long it take.

For you it is a time factor, for me it is realizing that I am no longer 25 and can't work out like I am. (DA** 50)


Comment edited on: 4/30/2012 1:36:39 PM

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ARUNNINGKAT 4/30/2012 12:05PM

    Love your new plan girl and I LOVE the fact that you are going to do what you can and not give up. That is so important. I am such a perfectionist so I constantly have to remind myself to do what I can, when I can, and not get off track just because I can't do something perfectly. You are doing great! emoticon

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ERIN1128 4/30/2012 12:04PM

    I love how you're not afraid to say something's not working, time for a new plan. Listen to your body, and hang in there!

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SARAWALKS 4/30/2012 11:54AM

    NROLFW - what is that? What are Burpees? Mountain climbers I discovered today, gotta try 'em, know I'll hate 'em...

emoticon OMG, how did I miss this two-jobs nonsense? ACK! Do be good to yourself but I am glad you're hanging in there. Listen to Hubs, he knows whereof he speaks. Think of it as consolidating your progress. Not a bad thing.

You are truly emoticon, never doubt it! emoticon

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KARVY09 4/30/2012 9:34AM

    Hugs. I think the pics will help, so I'd go for it. I'm glad that May means that you won't be fixated on getting to the 200s for good, but I'm sorry that you have so much work stress and everything else on your plate right now. Stay strong!

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Ch-Ch-Changes

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Today is day 30 of the LiveFit program. Which means...I have been on task and following a plan for a whole month! Five more days and April could be a shiny calendar full of stickers right where they should be.

Sounds great, right? Easy! Just 5 more days!

Yeah, not so much. Got a call yesterday which throws a big fat wrench in the plans, as it were. I start my part-time job on Friday from 9am - 5:30pm. Now I'm not so much worried about Friday's workout, as I have a weight bench I can use (in my FIL's garage), but it will be quite interesting trying to adapt the leg routine from Saturday on that thing if they want me to work that day as well.

Add to the fact that I really no longer want to work this job. I applied MONTHS ago. I took a drug test MONTHS ago. And for weeks they just kept telling Hubs they didn't have any hours to give me. And now, just as Hubs is about to make a move in his job and things were starting to look like they might work out again and I might see him again...now this. In all honesty, they asked me if I still wanted the job. I thought about saying no...and then I remembered that just yesterday Hubs' windshield was busted by a flying rock from a state mowing vehicle. I remembered that my credit card needs to be paid off and that Hubs' credit card does as well (though his is much more manageable right now). I remembered how stressed I was last Christmas, and the fact that I'm about to have a teenage son. And I remembered all the reason I applied to this job in the first place. This job is to get us back above water. I'm not saying I'll stay there forever. In fact, unless things with Hubs' new job works out somehow, I may only be able to last through July when football season starts and Ethan will need to be at practice 3-4 times a week.

So I said yes. I sacrificed my sanity, yet again, for the sake of trying to breathe one day.

Hubs' plans and goals for his new job are not certain. It's a store reopening and there's no telling if they'll actually make it this time. And there's no telling if Hubs will catch on as quickly as he thinks he will. And we certainly can't keep going like we are because I haven't been able to breathe in...well, years probably.

So I'm taking the bullet. We take our turns...this one's mine.

For the record, Hubs has asked me not to do it. He told me we'd figure something else out. He told me that I couldn't work every single day of every single week from here to eternity just to get us back where I want us to be (breathing). But he doesn't know how hard it is to sleep at night feeling like I'm failing us. I'm the one who went to school. I busted my butt for three years while working full-time and taking on a part-time newspaper reporting job. I barely slept for three years in order to make a better life for us. And it hasn't really gotten me very far. I'm not sure why. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Maybe I'm just not destined for greatness. But if anything I know I'm not destined to be a quitter. Just like this weight loss thing, I can't seem to say "quit" and admit whatever failures there might be. I can't stop hoping that the next curve will lead to something better.

When I was a girl growing up I had dreams for my life.
When I had children, my dreams grew to include ones for them.
And I haven't been able to make even half of them happen.
So something has to give...and, for now, that has to be me.

Every dime I earn at this second job will go to putting us back in a more comfortable state. Erasing all signs of debt (we're actually pretty good at this...other than my student loans and the car loan, we keep our debt to credit ratio pretty low about 98% of the time). And, if there's any extra, putting some away for that ever elusive down payment on a house.

So, why the hell am I telling you all this?
Well, because I didn't understand what was really going to happen when I said yesterday "It's about to get interesting." (I have GOT to stop saying things prolific like that...it always ends up bad for me!)
Well, because everything is about to get THAT much harder...yet again.

For one, I wasn't hardly able to sleep last night. I might've eeked out about 5 hours here and there...but there was a good 30 minutes or more where I just woke up and stared at the ceiling just wanting to cry but refusing to.

Second, I had gotten pretty used to the eating schedule and diet I set for myself...but that's all about to change as well. I work 8.5 hours. Of course, I'll get a 30 minute lunch break...no problem. I know I can bring my food to work (I hope they have a fridge there somewhere...I know there is a microwave!) for lunch. It's at least 2 snacks I'll have to fit in to my 15 minute breaks (probably along with time to potty)...and not knowing how keen they'll be to me carrying around a water bottle 24/7. I'm pretty sure the only way to really get this done is to start liquifying some of my snacks. I can fit in protein bars, I think, but other sit down with fork and spoon things are going to be hard to get away with...so I'm on the hunt today for protein backed smoothie recipes and things of the like. Honestly, if worse comes to worse, I may have to resort to pre-packaged things like protein bars or sandwiches from the deli (which really aren't that bad), but I'd like to avoid that about 80% of the time because that can just lead to other snacking options...which is dangerous.

The third, of course, will be adapting those workouts to work with what I have. I'll do the best I can and, well, ...I guess we'll see how it goes.

As for yesterday. I managed to stick it out at work all day (not sure I will today....SOOOO tired!! and Ethan's home sick...and the broken window...yeah, there's a lot going on). I went straight to the gym after (I hate the gym at 6pm...these guys sitting around on the machines *I* need resting their sweaty @sses and looking at me like I kicked their cat when I ask them to move, please) and got in my Back & Cardio routine. I stretched the calf REALLY good after the bike, so the PF didn't flare up too bad. (I've come to the conclusion that the bike hurts me as well because it demands so much of my calf muscle, which is probably the cause of the problem in the first place.) I also managed to eat nearly all of the 2800 calories (I forgot a couple things, but nothing big) I had scheduled even though I felt like yakking. (It might be better with the whole workout first, eat all day after thing...we shall see.) Then I went home and took care of the car issue (had to pick up MIL's car for Hubs to drive to work) and finally got home, ate my omelet and was in bed by just after 10 (had to report on the car to Hubs).

Back & Cardio Workout - Week 5
Smith-Machine Body Rows - 1 set of 8, 2 sets of 10

Back Superset:
Bent-Over Barbell Rows - 1 set of 8 @ 45, 2 sets of 8 @ 65
Seated Cable Rows - 3 sets of 8 @ 70

Wide-Grip Lat Pulldowns - 3 sets of 10 @ 70
Bent-Over One-Arm Dumbbell Rows - 1 set of 10 @ 25, 2 sets of 8 @ 30
Hammer Strength Lat Pulldowns - 3 sets of 10 @ 110
Hyperextensions/Back Extensions - 3 sets of 8

Followed by 30 minutes on the bike around levels 10-12, keeping my HR in the 140s most of the time. Distance: 7+ miles

TOTAL TIME: 1h 10m
AVG HR: 134
MAX HR: 158
CALS BURNED: 771
FAT CALS: 31%

Even with the little to no sleep last night, I was up around 4am this morning and slowly getting ready for a great gym workout. I was a little late getting there, which meant I had to cut my cardio a little short, but I honestly feel like that can't hurt the PF as much as if I went full-force. The only adaptation I made to this routine was to do "Big/Tiny"s instead of the Roman Chair Knee/Hip Raise. One day...them and pullups...ONE DAY.

Chest, Abs & Cardio Workout - Week 5
Bench Press - 1 w/u set of 8 @ 45, 3 sets of 8 @ 65
Pushups (modified) - 3 sets of 15
Cable Crossovers - 1 set of 10 @ 30, 2 sets of 10 @ 40
Smith Machine Incline Bench Press - 3 sets of 10 @ 50
Side-to-Side Pushups - 3 sets of 10 (5 each side)

Ab Superset:
Toe Touchers - 3 sets of 20
Crunches with Legs Raised - 3 sets of 20

"Big/Tiny"s (instead of Roman Chair Knee Raises) - 3 sets of 10
Cable Crunches - 1 set of 10 @ 80, 1 @ 100, 1 @ 120

Followed by 15 minutes on the bike on the weight loss program with my HR around 125-135 for a distance of about 3 miles.

TOTAL TIME: 1h 8m
AVG HR: 119
MAX HR: 153
CALS BURNED: 562
FAT CALS: 41%

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGIRL06 4/26/2012 7:58AM

    Wow I totally know how you feel. For me, I have the degree and we were doing ok but way too much debt to pay off (student loans mostly). Now, I'm going back to school where they pay me to do research but its not much and I don't know how we're going to stay afloat (more student loans). I feel like I should be a lot further along in life and supporting my hubs better but it is what it is. Just gotta figure something out. Oh, and with the stipend through the school, I'm not allowed to work a second job :-/ So.. I know how you feel.
You will find your new routine. Just plan and make sure you work something out for yourself! You are the priority here!
~Ang

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LOWFATFOODIE 4/24/2012 5:35PM

    emoticon
Pretty sure you can get through anything you set your mind to.

Good luck working out the food breaks at work. definitely keep a stash of protein shakes & bars on hand! easy fruit like apples...

Congrats on finishing 30 days of LiveFit! emoticon
You're doing great!


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3016DEBRA 4/24/2012 3:09PM

  I'm absolutely emoticonjust reading this...I hope everything works out for you guys & SOON!!! Remember, you are only one person. You can't do everything & stay healthy. I'm gonna keep you in my thoughts & prayers... emoticon emoticon

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ASUBACZ 4/24/2012 11:38AM

    Good Luck with the new job. It'll be tough but you'll make it through. I'm sure they won't have a problem with you carrying around a water bottle. Here's a really good recipe for a protein smoothie that I've been using.
1 cup of milk (any type will do I'm gonna try using almond milk this afternoon)
1 or 2 bananas depending on the size and if you like bananas (can be frozen to make smoothie more frozen)
1scoop of chocolate protein powder (I use the protein powder that Jamie recommends with the program)
2 tbsp of peanut butter
handful or so of ice.

Blend away. It's soo good.

Omitting the bananas is fine. I use this as my post workout smoothie and I need the fast sugars from the bananas.

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KARVY09 4/24/2012 11:20AM

    Superwoman, that's all I'll say.

You put the weight of the world on your shoulders, E. Make sure you make time for yourself along the way.

emoticon

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KKINNEA 4/24/2012 11:08AM

    You are doing really great fitting everything in with all the activities going on in your life. I'll send all my strongest sleep vibes to you since I feel like it's one of the most important parts of the equation!

I hope the second job lets you get your food in - the protein bars sound like a good option. I like the Pure Protein bars since they seem to have the lowest suagr of the processed bars.

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 4/24/2012 11:04AM

    Your determination and ability to persevere and push through all obstacles is enviable. A lesser woman (myself included) would have folder under the pressure. You are an amazing wife, mom, (spark)friend and worker.

Congrats on getting through phase 1 and figuring out ways to make the program work with your new schedule.

Don't ever forget how truly amazing you are!

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ROMNEY3 4/24/2012 10:46AM

    If anybody can make this work you can. Take time to breath and make a plan. Good luck.



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NOTABOUTHEFACE 4/24/2012 9:36AM

    I know there's a lot being thrown your way right now but I'm sure you can find a way to keep your plan on track. It might take some doing but an obstacle is often an unrecognized opportunity.

emoticon

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SHINTON1618 4/24/2012 9:21AM

    Well, good luck with your new job and being able to breathe again. I am sure things will work-out!

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