Wednesday, March 14, 2012
I have to say that the only reason it almost killed me lasting here at work all day was because I was so excited and nervous about my gym appointment last night. But I made it through...and had a pretty awesome friggin' day to boot. (I'm telling you, me without a gym is like a blind man without his stick.)
I got to the gym about 6:45pm. My appointment wasn't until 7pm, but I was told getting an early start might be possible. Raj was already at the front desk, and he set me straight to work on the paperwork (read: signing a 12 month contract). Now, this is a little new for me. I didn't have to have a contract at my last gym, so I was a little uneasy...but I realized I fully intended to see this through, so there was really no reason to squirm over something as simple as a contract stating as much. I did give him a bit of a hassle about two things...which I thought was going to have him complaining to management almost immediately.
First of all, they wanted me to pay full price for March. I immediately starting pleading my case. He told me that when it was the 15th or 16th they don't really worry about it, but anytime before that and they were expected to collect cash. I told him, "Well, why don't I just come back IN THREE DAYS?" *rolls eyes* I mean, come on! Had I known that, I would've told the girl scheduling to just make it next week. I tried to tell him that I wasn't trying to be a PITA, but he certainly HAD to see my point. I wasn't asking to NOT pay, just to not pay full price. Pro-rate my first month...that's what most places do when you start mid-month. I'll pay 10 bucks, even 12 for the extra couple days, but (I told him as politely as possible), I'm not going to pay for services I haven't received. He kept telling me it wasn't his call, and then must've had a whole "Screw it!" moment in his head because he just said forget it and said there would be no money taken out for March.
Second of all, and this, he should have seen, was for the gym more than me... (I told him, "I know I'm stupid for telling you this, but...") the contract they wanted me to sign said 12 months. I work with lawyers and contracts on a daily basis. I also have an English degree. I know how to read contracts. I told him that my insurance coverage would be up in November, a few months before this "12 months" would expire. I told him that if he read the contract carefully, it stated that they were allowed to raise my monthly rate AFTER the minimum months were fulfilled (after one year). I told him that, according to the contract, they would have to keep honoring my $20 reduced payments until March/April of next year...which means they would have to eat the extra $16 a month from December-April. He seemed unnerved, but again told me that wasn't his call. I simply said, "Well, there's a cancelation clause of 3 days, so you MAY want to talk to your manager about this..." I haven't decided if I'd fight the thing if they tried to raise my payment to the regular amount when my program ends...it depends on whether they'd allow me to break the contract by no longer paying each month even though the contract requires me to do so. Again, not trying to be a PITA, but I hate to see businesses lock themselves into something they shouldn't simply because someone wasn't thinking ahead. Either way, I let it go with the warning to him.
All of this set a rather ODD tone to our little meeting...until Misty came over. Somehow I couldn't get through to Raj that I wasn't new to the program, just new to the gym. I had talked to Misty on the phone and she knew the situation for the most part. It was interesting hearing him stumble through the setup of the program and list all the services I SHOULD have been getting (as required by the insurance company) at my old gym, but never received. Misty winced when I told her this and agreed that my complaints a few months ago voiced to the insurance company about the services NOT rendered, may have landed the gym in some hot water. (Sorry to anyone who was using the program if I was the reason they had to drop coverage...but you shouldn't have to pay for services not rendered...can you tell this is a big peeve of mine? My money is valuable, as is my time. I held true to my contractual obligations when I signed up for the program...and I should have been receiving the full benefits of the program, because the insurance company was paying them to provide them.) After a while Misty simply frowned and said, "Man! I wish you had just started here first." Me too, I told her...me too.
Once Raj figured out I was not a n00b, his entire demeanor changed and he started actually cracking a smile and understanding that half the time I was joking with him. I saw his shoulders settle and relax, and I knew we were past that awkward stage of meeting someone. We understood each other...and things went much better after that.
Misty took me into the locker room...the gorgeous, beautiful locker room with its wood panel front lockers and beautiful tile and a full 2 counter sink/vanity area. And showers...nice pretty showers. It was entirely different from what I was used to, and yet, felt more like "home" in some way. (I know I've romanticized this place, but really I'm from the big city...this is what big city folks pay for when they sign a gym contract...so the little gym by my house, while sufficient, had never met my expectations for what I wanted it to be.) First words out of her mouth were, "Shoes off or on?" Uhm...huh? I asked her what the difference was and she just smiled and said, "About 2-3 pounds, probably." *lol* Oh! A weigh-in! (I hadn't noticed the scale behind me.) I quickly took of my shoes and hopped on.
(1) It is NO FAIR to weigh someone at 7pm. No matter how good a day you have, it's just not going to be as good as that weigh-in in the morning.
(2) I *hate* those sterile "elephant" scales. This may not make sense to many of you, but those of us with LARGE amounts of weight to lose (or who once did have a lot to lose) know what I'm talking about. Panel on the floor, reading on the wall in front of you...because there's no way you could look down and see the number over your girth. (Granted, I still have problems with this...but I'm working on it.) These are the medical/industrial scales they put in doctor's offices to weigh people over the 300-350 pound mark. At least it wasn't like the first one I weighed on...which was fit for someone with a wheelchair and make me feel ginormous.
Weight: 307.4 ... .7 .... .4 .... *lol*
I pick the .4, thank you. It's about what I expected. I've been hovering around 306 since even before my gym dropped my sorry butt. I'm proud to say I've at least maintained the same range throughout this injury...so I must be doing something right.
Then the measurements...
I don't have the numbers. I didn't want to look. When I measure myself, I squeeze as tight as possible, I'll admit it. Who the hell does "loose" measurements? I don't suck in or in any way try to alter the measurement, but I want to see how low I can physically make that little measuring tape go. Misty did loose measurements. I wanted to hate her for it, but I couldn't. She took measurements of both arms, both thighs, both calves, three places on my "waist" and then my hips and chest. She says it's best when you take more measurements because then you can see where you're losing. She also talked about watching those measurements so you can analyze how you're losing and alter what you eat and how you workout to lose in certain places. I know, I know...this goes against everything we've been taught. "You can't target lose...you lose wherever your body wants you to lose." But, whatever...I let it go. If she thinks she knows the magic secret of how to get rid of my belly and make my hips and waist smaller and get rid of the fat sitting on these awesome abs of mine or reduce my bat wings...well, more power to her. I'll give it a try...couldn't hurt, that's for sure.
We laughed about my right side being much bigger than my left...and then somehow got on the topic of running and my PF. And then I fell in love with a girl named Misty.
Misty didn't scoff or look confused or concerned or taken aback or surprised by my revelation that I was a runner, and was up to running 5 miles straight when I got hit by this nasty injury. In fact, she actually got excited and giddy. Apparently she just attended a conference for some 'roller' type products which help with injuries. One is like a tennis ball, but harder, and those of you that have ever been hit with PF knows what she had me do with that. It was great to have the instruction on how to roll out my foot properly, targeting those really "sore" areas and making them hurt just enough to relieve the tension. She stated in a matter of fact way, "The real problem is probably in your calves..." (which she told me earlier while measuring were "great"...girl is crazy! *lol*), but said that I just needed to address the problem first, and work on the cause later. She said she'd arrange a full session with her so we could work on it if I want. ...I want! I told her I'd do ANYTHING to make it go away.
And then she told me a little story about Misty. About how she was never a runner before. How she graduated high school at 220 pounds, and then put on about 20 more (or more) after high school. And then how she joined that same gym to get the weight off...and now she's the assistant manager of the place (and tiny as hell!). She told me how she's run 2 HM and the Charleston Distance Run twice...and she ticked them off so proudly like I've heard so many of us do here. She said our famous, "I'm not going to be breaking any records or anything, but I love running!" I smiled and simply said, "Me too." We bonded, I'll admit it. She doesn't know it yet, but she's my new best friend...and my goal is to get to running again so we can be in a race together. (She mentioned there's a 5k coming up in April, but we both had to realize that I probably wouldn't be ready yet. ..but we know there will be more races... for both of us.)
We ended up chatting way past our scheduled time. A man came in with an appointment with her and I almost felt bad that we were making him wait because we were just in the "joy of running" talk mode. She promised to help me, and I promised to follow her instruction. First on the list? Rolling my foot like she showed me three times a day. Continuing to ice it and rest it as much as possible. And come to spinning class! *lol* (I told her I thought this would be great low-impact on my foot but high-energy and a great aerobic workout. She smiled and said she never misses a class and wants to see me there...now I just have to rework my schedule to make it happen.) Oh, and she showed me a few new stretches, so I'll be adding those in too.
After Misty left (I almost cried! ...kidding, of course), Raj took over again. Turns out I didn't NEED to do a fitness test, but they were ready and willing to put me through one if I wanted one. I said, "Yes, please!" and we were off.
3-Minute Step test
He set a metronome to keep me on pace, and then I started...and by 30 seconds I was already asking how far in I was. *lol* He told me to just do it as long as I could and I lamented that I didn't think I'd last a full minute. ...I did. One minute, one second. And got my heart rate up pretty quick too. And noticed that it came down pretty quick as well, which means I still gots me a good, healthy ticker in there.
It was while trying to maintain a reading on the heartrate machine thing he was having me hold, that Raj and I started joking around. I told him I'd broken the thing because it decided not to take my heartrate anymore. He had me move my thumbs around, press tightly, don't squeeze so tight...no matter what, it wasn't registering. "Just watch," he said. "I'll take it and it'll be fine." He did. It was. He handed it back and I finally got my reading after calling him a "show off."
Then he told me to take off my shoes for the reach test. I complied.
Longest reach - 35
(Small note. My son has to do this in gym class. When I told him I got 35 his jaw literally dropped. "I just made it to 11!" he exclaimed. I think I became my son's hero last night. *lol*)
"Okay, put your shoes back on," Raj said.
"That bad, eh?" I joked.
"No," he said, not getting it. "You did good."
I gave him that look of, "Come on, dude..think...." and saw it register in his face and he smiled a coy smile.
"Oh, yeah. Real bad. Hurry! Please, hurry and get your shoes back on!" he said, fanning the air.
We joke our way through the rest of the test.
Bench press started at just 45 lbs and then moved to 65, which he said was too easy for me. "I wouldn't call it EASY," I said. He told me if I could still talk and joke with him and laugh, it was too easy. He was right. He added another 5 pounds to each side. I told him I might be able to go one more. He told me he'd take the 5 pounders off and add 10, and I joked about his ability to do math so quickly. I ended up with a max of 85 pounds. (I had thought it was 75...but replaying it in my mind, it was actually 85...and the most I've ever benched because my arms used to be SOOOO weak!)
We moved on the the leg press, which I told him was my favorite. I made him work on this one, and he finally had to turn his sheet over and calculate how much I ended up lifting. 515 pounds, thank you very much. Again, the most I've ever lifted on that machine. (For future reference for me...the machine's plate itself weighs 65 pounds.)
And then it was time for push-ups and crunches. As we walked back into the other room, he started telling me that I could either do "regular" pushups...or the girly ones. I feigned disgust (I knew he was joking by now)..."You can't call them that!" I told him. He joked that even all the books he read called them that, and admitted he might be reading the wrong books. I assured him he was. He relented and called them "modified" and that's what I ended up doing because he used a dang "Perfect Counter" thing and my regular pushups don't go down low enough for them to be counted. (I just graduated to regular pushups not long ago...give me a break! *lol*) I ended up with 35 in a minute...a personal best, I'm pretty sure (36 actually...I didn't hit the plate right on one and it didn't count...boo!). And I ended up doing crunches instead of sit-ups because sit-ups aggrevate that one bad disc in my back and, honestly, are absolutely impossible for me to do right now. ...maybe one day. I did 35 crunches in one minute...sad as I used to crunch out 50 in a minute, but dude was putting ALL his weight on my feet and I got a cramp and had to tell him to adjust his grip before I punched something...or him. I'll improve that one for sure.
And that was that. We tested my heart rate and I learned that my HR actually gets up to about 135 when I'm doing pushups and crunches, so maybe ST does count for more than just ST, right Spark?! ;) I stretched in the locker room, filled my water bottle, and was off for the night. Raj's final words to me? "Just never take your shoes off...ever again." I smiled back at him and asked him to find some new books to read that didn't call them "girly pushups" and headed home.
And through the triumph of all that, I have to mention one more thing. I had a GREAT day yesterday.
Everything bagel with cream cheese and 2 cups of coffee with 3 Tbsp of flavored creamer (I'm working on reducing the amount of creamer, but give me time...)
It was a sexy breakfast, right Yooves!? ;)
Smart Ones Lasagne
I usually hate these types of frozen dinners, but I have to give WW credit...their meat lasagne was actually pretty good. Hrm...
Huge Braeburn apple that was amazing!
Snack 2 (before the gym)
Large yummy banana and a peanut butter Nature Valley Granola Thin
I drove ALL THE WAY HOME. That's about an hour in the car. I passed so many fast food joints you'd all be impressed to know that I didn't stop at a single one (though there were a few passing thoughts about it). Instead, I went home and cooked a yummy dinner.
About 2 oz of fettuccine pasta
1/4 c of light parmesan alfredo sauce
3 oz of teeny-tiny salad shrimp heated up with some fresh garlic
And because I'd been "good" all day, I even got to enjoy a slice of my yummy sourdough bread with a bit of butter on it.
I drank at least 8 glasses of water yesterday and ate healthy and have a great 1600-1700 calorie day to show for it. Plus the fitness test, which was a great workout that Spark doesn't count as anything, but I certainly do because I KNOW I got my HR up. I forgot to put on my chest strap for the test or I would have an accurate count of calories burned, but that's alright, because I know what I did.
Hoping for another great day today. I'm proud to say I am the honored recipient of DOMS today...I can feel it coming so I know I did well last night.
I think I'm going to head over to the gym across the street at lunch time and get some light cardio in or something. They SHOULD have an elliptical (I hope!) and I need to check out the place anyhow.
So far, so good.
Next appointment is Tuesday, but I want to get one or two more gym sessions because I'll be out of town this weekend. I have to help Ethan pack tonight as he leaves tomorrow and I won't join him up in Morgantown until Friday, so going to the gym tonight is probably not the best idea or I won't even really see him tonight. But tomorrow night he'll be gone, and my oldest loves his alone time, and I don't have to get up early Friday to go to work...so I'm pretty sure I'm going to get a workout in tomorrow night. Maybe I'll hit the pool and do some of the exercises Misty already suggested (running laps in the pool, or even just walking back and forth, she said). They also have a hot tub, so I could relax my sore muscles before heading home late. I'm happy to say I'm finally excited again. I've started logging everything in three different places - MFP, SP, and the journal they gave me last night. And I'm trying my best to just do good by myself. The best part about this is that once the weight finally decides to drop again, I think it's going to be bigger than one lousy pound...and I think once I get the ball rolling I'll meet the 200s in no time. I don't know why...I just have this feeling about it. Let's hope I'm right! I'm ready to lose again, ready to be healed, and ready to run again.
On a final note, Misty told me that the time she got PF was in her second year of running. She said she just started to take it seriously, probably too seriously, and met with every injury in the book. It sounded so familiar. I started finally thinking about doing a half marathon, I told her, and I started taking it seriously. It was no longer about my love of running, and more about training the perfect runner's body (which I don't have). So maybe that's what caused it. I dropped the love of it and started pushing myself. I tried to be smart about it, but I think I just put to much pressure on my body to perform and didn't take the time to care for it properly and give it the love and thanks it needed for what it was already doing. I kept asking for more without saying, "Thanks for what you've given me thus far." I want to remember that when I start to run again. I want to remember to love it at least one run a week. I don't care about miles or time or any of it. One day a week, one run a week, will just be about me loving how running makes me feel. I can torture myself a little bit the rest of the week to "train" (with reason), but I need to stop being so hard on myself. I've done great things. I'm going to do more great things. What's with the impatience to get them done RIGHT NOW? What then, eh?! I've seen so many runners reach their ultimate goal and then end up stunted and bored because they don't know where to go from there. I want to enjoy the ride. And the day I run that half marathon will be with a body that feels ready and able, and a heart that soars not from triumphing over circumstance, but from loving what she's doing, and how and why she's doing it.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Yesterday I finally lost it, broke down and called the gym to find out how long the waiting game was going to take.
After over a year with my old gym, they decided to up and drop the insurance program coverage I was using to save money on my bill and get assistance services. The program only runs 2 years for each person...I was in my second year. Not only did they decide to drop coverage, they dropped it immediately and within 3 days my membership lapsed and I was out of a gym. I immediately called my insurance program to have my paperwork transferred to the gym in the big city where I work. A week later I get a call back letting me know my paperwork has been transfered and I need to call the new gym to set up an appointment. I call the new gym and they basically say, "Don't call us...we'll call you." That was almost two weeks ago. I got sick of waiting.
So yesterday I give them a call and leave a message for either Nancy or Misty. At least I've done SOMETHING, I think. About five minutes later, I get a call back from Misty. Apparently she was in the gym and came up to the front and saw my message. She said she tried to call days ago and left a message at some number...I apologized and told her she probably left it with my husband, who is notorious for not getting messages to me.
First thing I can say is that Misty was very accommodating. She sat on the phone with me for about a half hour trying to work out scheduling to get me in this week, something she said she can't normally do. Finally she worked it out so I'd have my initial appointment tonight at 7pm with Raj. She wasn't sure if I wanted the appointment because she understood that I get off work at 6pm and would have to wait around until my appointment, but I assured her that I'd make it work. I also asked her, "If I get there early, is there even a small chance I can get started with him early?" "Sure!" she tells me. I can at least start my paperwork early, even if I can't do my fitness test workout until closer to 7pm.
After that, she gave me two additional appointments. One next Tuesday, one on Thursday - both at 6:30pm. The first appointment will be with Janine, the second with Tanner (who, she tells me, just got accepted into med school). "What are these appointments for?" I ask. (I just want to be prepared...) "Supervised workouts," she says as if I should know. I guess what she doesn't realize is that I was at a gym previously where there were no supervised workouts...something that is supposed to be included in my insurance program...but wasn't. (I'm going to have to talk to the insurance company about this...at least I know the gym who wasn't offering the services they SHOULD have been offering is no longer pretending...but how did I get the short end of the stick...over a year out of my allowed 2 years and I got shorted!)
"We'll set you up with about four of these appointments for supervised workouts with each of our personal trainers," she says nonchalantly. "After that, I'll check in with you and you can tell me who you'd like to work with." WHA?! "And, don't be shy. Our feelings don't get hurt. We want you to have someone who works best with you and you feel most comfortable with." I picked my jaw up off the floor. Not only am I going to get supervised workouts with a personal trainer (especially important right now as I'm trying to adapt and work through this injury), but I get to "try out" each one and then pick the one I like!? Why the hell didn't I go to this gym first!? *face/palm*
Tonight I'll meet with Raj and Misty. They'll take my measurements, set up how I want to pay my monthly bill, and get all the paperwork filled out before taking a fitness test. Then next Tuesday and Thursday I have appointments with 2 separate personal trainers. (Misty told me that I could either "rest" on Wednesday or do some cardio. *lol*)
And this is going to sound stupid, but just knowing that there was hope again...that I was going to have a gym membership and be required to check in two times again and have someone watching me, instructing me, and expecting me to weigh-in and lose weight once a month...it made last night much easier. I didn't go munching last night...didn't even have the urge. (Dang...I am MESSED UP! *lol* At least I know how I work now, though. Workout = eat less naturally.)
So here's the hard work getting ready to start again. I'm making a list of questions and things I want to talk about with each of the trainers. As Hubs told me last night, "Choose wisely." I intend to. Ethan said, "If there's a girl, I bet you pick her." Not necessarily, I told him. I told him that I already know what I really need - someone firm but understanding. I'm not one to whine easily. I'll kick and scream my way through a workout, unwilling to show weakness. That can be my downfall, though, because by the time I say "ouch" it's probably past where I should have stopped. That being said, it also means I need someone who both won't take my crap and "let me off easy" but also someone who will recognize when the "ow" goes from whine to actual pain. I also need someone who will be expecting me, who doesn't doubt my ability just because I'm "fat" and who challenges me to expand my ideas of what I "can" do while still using what I'm good at to build my confidence. That's a big bill to ask of one person, but even if I can get just a part of that, I think it will make me stronger, more willing to go on, more willing to fight. I want someone that isn't going to be too impressed so I can fight harder to impress them. I don't want the jaw to drop when I tell them about my running five miles straight. I want someone who says "Good job" and then ties that into something I can do now as an injured runner.
That's the other thing...I need someone who can find a way to work around this stupid foot until it heals. Because, yes, I can do yoga - but I don't get much fire from it. It's more stretching and relaxing for me...it's not a "workout" on it's own...it's cross training for a leaner, sleeker, more toned and flexible body. And, yes, I can ride a stationary bike...but I don't get much cardio burn from the regular kind, so either put me on a spinning bike and challenge me there, or just put me on the leg press machine because a recumbent bike just feels like leg ST to me.
Things I'm looking for at the gym(s):
* Spinning bikes and classes
* A class schedule
* The pools
* Maybe some water aerobic classes
* Boxing equipment
Not sure if that last one is there, but I hope at least one of the four has something I can hit. Boxing does wonders for me. It's low impact, but high cardio...something that is almost impossible for me to find right now.
Things I need to ask/talk to PTs about:
* PF and how to work around it
I need ideas for things like boxing which will challenge me aerobically without causing undue stress on my foot. I do want it to heal because I fully intend to make a full recovery and by the end of this year be running again...and training for a half. I've had to push it back, but I won't push that goal away.
* Class Schedule
I need an updated schedule. I'm hoping they're still having those 6am spinning classes...and some late night water aerobic classes.
Those are the biggest things right now...any other ideas for what to look for, what to ask, etc?!
It's time to get my schedule resorted. I need to get to bed earlier so I can get plenty of sleep most days so I can last longer...or so I can get up extra early to get to the gym before work. Also going to talk to them about seeing if I can get a locker there, because I'm going to be so far from home and I'll need to keep things like shampoo/soap/toothbrush/etc. for those early morning workouts.
My foot still hurts. Brace hasn't come yet but should be here by tomorrow at the latest. Going to go over the healing plan with the PTs too...maybe I'm not doing it right because I just haven't broken down to go to the doctor because I don't want to pay money to have someone tell me what I can get info from on the world wide interwebs. Either way...it's time to stop moping around injured and time to get back to work. Ironically, my scale decided to fluck with me this morning...293...got on again...296. *lmao* Yeah, right! It was 10 pounds more than that yesterday...I don't buy it Mr. Scale. Thanks for trying to cheer me up, but I don't deal in lies.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
It started on Tuesday. It was a beautiful day outside and I decided to go ahead and do my Lunch Mile+ walk that had been scheduled for Monday, just to get the ball rolling for the week. The next day, I couldn't hardly put any weight on my right foot. Hubs was threatening to pull out the crutches. I was limping around and everyone was asking what was wrong.
It seems my brace hasn't been helping much. This PF crap has gotten the best of me and try as I might to just soldier on, I couldn't do it any longer. It hurt when I started out, and then got more comfortable as I went. I knew anything longer than about 2 miles would upset it, so I stuck to my 1-1.25 miles per day walk at lunch. And then...even that was too much.
PF won. Hubs won. I went ahead and resigned myself to taking a few days off...to let it heal.
Heal it hasn't.
I ordered a new night splint brace online, a better one. Reviews from one user says he had foot pain for years, and then 4 days after using the night splint ...all better. I'm hoping I have a similar experience but it hasn't arrived yet and I'm just waiting.
Afraid to do anything.
Afraid of hurting it more.
The pain has moved from my heel and now spreads into my arch and even my ankle. My hips are hurting from limping and walking funny. I need to get back to the chiro, but I want to wait until I heal one issue (the foot) because otherwise it will just get screwed up again.
I told myself I'd just focus on my food intake. Eat less since I can't exercise.
That hasn't been easy or pretty or fun.
I do great for hours and hours, and then workout time rolls around and I get my "angry eating face" on. Anyone who has been watching my journey knows that when my exercise suffers, so does the rest of it. When I get a good sweat on, my self-confidence goes sky high and my ability to reject any and all temptation is at an all-time high.
I miss running even more now that I can't walk.
I kept telling myself it was just a matter of time until it healed and I was off running again. And then my mileage dropped to zero, and my self-confidence went with it.
Each day I wake up still trying to push past the pain of being betrayed by my body. I fought for it. I sweated and bled and got bruised and battered and beaten. I followed all the rules for preventing injury. And the past year and a few months of utter rebellion by my body has put me in my place. Sometimes when you put your mind's desires up against your body's abilities, your body wins.
I'm up to 309 this morning.
I'm not surprised.
Hurt, but not surprised.
I know how big a goal 299 is, and I had my moments of self-sabotage, but not lately. Lately it's been my body holding me back, my emotions along for the deluge of self-pity, and it's all avalanched into this moment.
The plan right now is to rest, ice, heal, and try to put the pieces of my broken heart together again. My plan is to maintain a holding pattern of existence until I can live again. My other plan is to not waste another day past today.
Sunday I will start exercise light. Pilates. Yoga. Squats, lunges, pushups, planks. Whatever I can do that doesn't cause undue stress on my foot. I'm building an arsenal in my head of all the lousy weapons left I have to fight this. The guns are out...I'm out of ammo and they're useless. So it's time to gather the pickaxes and hammers and scythes and cut away at the layers of self-loathing until I reach that level of peace once again.
My other plan is to not give much attention to the scale. I'm going to gain weight. It's not going to be enough. I'm going to have those angry eating moments from time to time because I am angry. But if I can just last one extra hour each day. If I can just get a few extra minutes of control and keep adding to that, maybe one thing good will come out of this...maybe I can actually beat the emotional eating monster for good. Maybe I can actually come out on top, even if I end up at a spot that looks depressing in terms of the scale.
Now is not the time for scale victories or non-scale victories.
Now is the time to hold on for dear life, adjust to the lowest impact of workouts available.
Now is the time to learn how to be okay with only burning 80 calories.
Now is the time to figure out how to eat for an INactive body.
And it's the time for tucking myself in tight at night, knowing I did the best I possibly could, and learning to just be okay with that.
Tuesday, March 06, 2012
Weight Last Week: 307.4
Weight This Week: 306.4
Lost 1 pound, I guess...but I'm not really keeping track anymore. It'll go up and down like a yo-yo no matter what I do, it seems. The day before that 307.4 weigh in I was at 304, so until I get back to 302 and start losing from there, it just doesn't really count anymore.
I left Friday afternoon for NC to go visit an "old" friend. (When did I get old enough to have old friends!?) I expected it to be somewhat of a relaxing weekend. Boy was I wrong! My friend is getting a divorce, currently juggling 2 guys, and buying a house. So, yeah, it was a crazy busy weekend.
I left the house just before noon, stopped up at my MIL's and picked up the entire Game of Thrones series on CD and a Terry Pratchet book as well, and then headed to Kroger to fuel up. The whole time I was worried about "road food" so I got this brilliant idea when I got to Kroger to just buy a few things there. I ended up with a yummy turkey/swiss sandwich for lunch, some grapes, and 2 bags of Chex Mix (regular and turtle, which I got to fulfill my "sweet tooth" needs). So I ate pretty well all the way down. I even bought a Coke I didn't drink until the way back (and it was a little bottle - so cute and only 89 cents...and just the right amount for me!).
I got to her house about 7pm and we headed out with P (boyfriend #2) for sushi. I ordered like a crazy person. Edamame, steamed jasmine rice, and 4 sushi rolls! (Albacore tuna, big roll, crunch roll, and cucumber roll). I only ate about 3 of the rolls though, a few bites of rice and a few edamame, so it really wasn't that bad. I did have a tasty drinkity-drink, though. *lol*
And then we called J (boyfriend #1) and met him at the movie theatre, but not before stopping at Target for candy (and some random thing I'd forgotten...and the other 2 books in the Hunger Games trilogy! *lol*). I ended up with a box of Reese's pieces and a little bag of pretzel M&Ms, as well as a bottle of water. Not once did I crave that nasty popcorn (helped that neither of them like it either) and I only ended up eating 1/2 the bag of M&Ms. (BTW - We saw Wanderlust and it was one of the absolute worst movies I have ever seen...and I have a film minor, so keep in mind I've seen a LOT of movies. I nearly walked out twice and would have done so if I hadn't have been with my friend and J and had no car.)
Granted, I started out the morning with an indulgence - Starbucks. I never get Starbucks at home...but I'm learning that I prefer my coffee from home more now, especially since I have the grinder, the french press, and my aerolatte foamer. Who needs Starbucks? I'll save my 5 bucks, thank you. Of course, I didn't have all that there, so I ended up at Starbucks while Andrea cooked us up a healthy breakfast of eggs, onions, peppers, and a couple slices of bacon.
Then we headed out to go shopping. The main places on my list? Trader Joe's, Whole Foods, and Old Navy and/or Gap. FYI - All of you that have Trader Joe's in your area...I'm completely jealous! I bought a few things to bring home - sea salt grinders, teeny tiny potatoes (which I roasted in the crockpot last night and have for lunch today), cinnamon crumpets (OMG...so good this AM), and gnocchi (which I made last night, but my sauce failed and I couldn't really enjoy it). Also picked up an apple and 2 canisters of free trade coffee beans.
We also went to check out the house my friend had put an offer in on (and was just waiting to hear back from the seller from - it caused a lot of drama all weekend from Friday night on, but she eventually signed the papers Saturday night). Then we headed over to ON where, other than a little nastiness from the woman at the register (I have my husband's card, and he hadn't yet officially put me on the account) I found a little cardigan to go with a dress I wore at a wedding last year, a pretty green shirt with a bird on it (I love birds, apparently), and a pair of size 20 jeans. I had planned on them being goal jeans, but they actually fit. A little tight, but not so bad I can't wear them out (I actually wore them home yesterday). When we went back the next day to get the stuff I had picked out the day before, I also found some clearance items for my boys.
After that we headed downtown for a charity event where my friend got her head shaved to raise money for children's cancer research - brave girl! (She had a whole G.I. Jane thing going on.) And then we headed to J's popcorn shop so she could show off her head and show me where he works (he manages a gourmet popcorn shop...I brought some home for the boys). And THEN we headed back downtown for lunch. (You see how this is working out...we barely stopped to breathe!) I told her that I really wanted a really good cheeseburger (I've been on the hunt for so long!! Years, really.) and we ended up at this place called Draft that J had suggested. It was wonderful! I had the Magical Mystical Mushroom burger with 3 kinds of mushrooms, jack cheese and bacon and delicious handcut fries. It was my one indulgent meal (I even had 2 cheese puffs ...before I decided they had too much cheese and it was upseting my tummy) and I enjoyed every last bite! (We ended up not eating again the rest of the night because we were SO full still from those massive burgers!)
I don't even remember what happened after that. I think we did finally go back and "rest" for a bit...
...and then went outlet shopping. (I remember now!) I found a dress for my brother's wedding in June, and some clothes for my boys. It was interesting seeing what clothes I could fit into now. And Logan loved the pretty blue sweater I got him from Banana Republic (regularly 60 bucks...I got it for 14!). And then we tried to get some root beer floats at DQ, but they were out of rootbeer...so we had Coke Floats instead. And got me some new bras (because the only thing that HAS shrunk on me for sure is my boobs).
...and then met her realtor to sign the contract for the house.
...and then met J for 5 rounds of bowling. FIVE GAMES! WTF!? Btw - I hate bowling. I really, really, really suck at it. My first game score? 54. Yea, that kind of suck at it. Plus, my foot was killing me and bowling shoes have ZERO arch support. I just bit my tongue and tried to get through it. I had a beer and treated it like ST. I switched between 10-15 pound bowling balls, switched from my right arm to my left (got about the same first left-handed game score as I had with my right...that's sad), tried to sit low in squats when I released the ball. I figured I should get something out of it. J and my friend were having a blast and I was just trying not to beg to be dropped off at the house to sleep and read.
We got home really late and I passed out almost immediately.
We started Sunday with the question, "What do you want to eat?" For some reason pancakes popped into my head. *lol* We ended up at a diner with J where I got a huge breakfast with eggs, wheat toast, homefries, and pancakes. I fully intended to eat it all, but, alas, it beat me. After a breakfast we picked up J's dog and headed to a local park where they have a beautiful approx. 3-mile trail (she said she thought it was just over 3 miles) around a lake. It was a great paved path (what both J and my friend consider "hiking"...that's sad) with a CRAPTON of hills (which, I now know, hurt my foot and ankle more than anything...even more than driving!). I did show off my dog-training skills though. J's dog nearly tried to eat a runner, another dog, and a baby stroller when we started out. Until I taught my friend how to hold him in tight when someone passed and I started saying "leave it" whenever he tensed up as someone/something went by. We didn't really have any more troubles after that...apparently the dog is a fast learner.
I'll admit it - I was exhausted after that. I didn't know what the hell we were going to do next, but I just didn't want it to be go-go-go. We ended up watching part of the movie Overboard at P's house (keeping track of the boyfriend hopping yet?) where my friend fell asleep and I just tried to keep myself awake (because sleeping in some stranger's house is just weird) and then P's parents showed up! AWKWARD! And then P's aunt and her family. I wanted to run and hide. I just kept my mouth shut, smiled, and reminded myself it would all be over soon. We finally headed out about an hour later, about an hour and half before we were supposed to meet J and his friend for dinner. (I had already decided not to say pretty much anything anymore because I was tired of trying to remember what I could tell one person about what we did earlier because we probably did it with the other person that they knew about but I wasn't supposed to mention because it might hurt that person. *head hurts*)
We finally decided we were hungry, but I knew if we ate then we wouldn't eat in an hour and half with J and his friend. So, instead, I suggested we stop by a frozen yogurt place. She's got them all over the area there, and we don't have that here. It was great! I tried 3 kinds of frozen yogurt, with a tiny bit of the toppings I liked. It's great for someone (like me) who can never make up her mind. I didn't have to! I could have it all if I wanted! *lol*
After that, we headed to WalMart for underwear. *lol* My life is exciting, right!? I wasn't the only one in need, but seriously, I've neglected buying new for a while and I've certainly lost enough weight to buy new sizes. The old ones give me droopy drawers syndrome. We also stopped off at Whole Foods. For those of you with Whole Foods near you - I'm jealous! Their prepared food section looked amazing! I kept thinking I might stop there on my way home the next day for some lunch (but didn't...I just wanted to get home and see hubs before he had to go to sleep). I ended up finding what I needed - Herbs de Provence (I thought I got two, but I messed up and got one of those and one Herbs of Italy. Whatevs...we'll use 'em both.) and then realized I had left my phone at P's house and nearly cried my eyes out. It was the only thing keeping me busy and sane while my friend was cuddling with her men. I had to wait until later - after dinner - to pick it up because he too was going out to dinner with his entire family. *facepalm*
We got back to the house with 15 minutes to change and head out to meet J for dinner, where I decided a salad was in order...but couldn't resist some of the cheese fries. After dinner, we got a call from P that I could pick up my phone, so we dropped J off at my friend's apartment, went to P's and picked up my phone, then went back to Andrea's apartment where I finally just shut myself in my friend's room to read while they cuddled on the couch watching TV after packing up my stuff for the next day.
I got up about 20 minutes before I needed to leave (she had to go to work) and showered quickly and then was out the door. I grabbed some Starbucks and then got on the road. I had to stop 3 times though - once for breakfast (an everything bagel with cream cheese from DD) and to pee, once for gas and to pee, and once just to pee. I guess I was doing well with the water thing on the way back! *lol* Got home yesterday and all plans to get immediately back on track went to hell. I was exhausted. I took Hubs to lunch, then crashed on the couch...before remembering I'd gotten my HRM while I was gone. *face palm* You know I HAD to try it out. So my oldest and I ended up taking the dogs on a short walk just so I could test the thing out and work out some kinks before the real work starts tomorrow.
I did the fitness test on my HRM and it set my goals for the week (I told it I wanted to lose weight...poor thing doesn't know what a battle it has ahead of it to make that happen!). I'm supposed to work out 4h 50m and burn 3300 calories this week. I've gotten 16 minutes and 107 calories done so far, and I plan on doing that stupid Tae Bo workout again tonight (because I'm STILL waiting on the gym to get back with me...). We'll see how off SP/MFP are for reals tonight, I guess...if I can make it through today.
Today I'm tired...exhausted really.
I'm bloated from the eating out and the drive, I'm guessing.
I did cook dinner last night at home and managed to make some chicken and veggies for my lunch for today, so at least I got my butt in gear for that. I'm back in "full swing" mode and hoping I can get myself back on track. I had my fun (sorta)...time to get back to work!
Calories: 1642 per day
Calories Burned: 3300
Fitness minutes: at least 200 or as close to 4h 50m as possible
Going to try to eat at home every night this week (though no clue what I can make tonight...maybe some rice...I think I have rice and some tofu in the fridge, so I could pull out some Tofu Fried Rice...I think. If not I'll have to stop at Kroger and pick up some fish or chicken or something to make.
Is it 6pm yet? *falls asleep*
Thursday, March 01, 2012
Official Weight for February 1st: 302.6
Official Weight for March 1st: 306.0
Yep. That's right. I gained 3.4 pounds, folks.
Sad, right?! In fact, since January 1st I've only "officially" lost .4 pounds. Say it with me y'all - pathetic.
Location --- Feb 1st --- Mar 1st = loss/gain
Neck --- 14.5 - 14.5 = 0
Upper Arm --- 13.5 - 13.75 = +.25 *sigh*
Bust --- 45 - 44 = -1 inch
Under Breasts --- 41.5 - 41 = -.5
Waist --- 44.5 - 43.75 = -.75 (that's more like it!)
Hips --- 54 - 54.75 = +.75 (##$$^@#&^!!!)
Thigh --- 23.5 - 24 = +.5 (seriously?!?!)
Calf --- 20 - 20 = 0
Total inches lost in February = NOT A DAMN 1/4 OF AN INCH.
January was just so good to me...and then February was nothing but absolute crap! I hate February. I didn't feel ANY of the love in February from my scale, my tape measure, my body...NADA! This was supposed to be the month I finally saw 298 (like so many before it), but instead I got to see the other end of 300-309.
*bangs head on desk repeatedly*
Let's consider what happened in February. Honestly, I don't remember much, so I'm going to have to pull out all my fitness trackers and nutrition trackers to get the skinny (HA! yea right!) on that. But here's what I do remember...
* My little foot injury turned into a big friggin' problem. I tried to adjust.
* I took a break to rest my foot. It didn't help at all.
* I overate a bit pretty much the entire month. And I'm still struggling against that. But very very few of those days were due to me binging or emotional eating. The majority of my "bad" days in February food-wise were days when I simply felt hungry and gave in. Still, I stayed in a range that SHOULD have produced a net loss at least 95% of the time.
* I struggled with how much to eat, with trying to figure out how many calories I was burning.
* I tried to amp up the workouts.
* I was dropped from my gym like yesterday's garbage. I tried to adjust.
* I began taking on home workouts and even ran a 10-day streak until Monday, when I basically passed out from exhaustion.
* I still didn't know if I was working too hard or not hard enough.
* I took that day off, and then got right back on the horse. I had "easy" days when I'd only burn about 400 estimated calories (again, still unsure) and then huge hiking and Tae Bo days when I was burning over 1k.
And what'd I get for my trouble? No inches lost. A 3.6 pound gain. And a really pissed off, stressed out, over worked, under appreciated head and body. I'm hurt. I'm still going. I'm not seeing results. I'm still going. I have no friggin' CLUE why I'm still going, but I'm still going. A whole lot of worry. A whole lot of pain. A whole lot of pushing through. And a slap on the face to finish the month. Yippe-friggin'-hoo.
I swear to you that I can taste the bitterness in my body over the month of February. I'm already planning and scheming to get myself out of my surroundings for the weekend, but I don't know if I'll really be able to get that opportunity or not. I just know that a dog can only be kicked so many times before it starts to bite or turns to run. I've been biting lately. My only resource left is to tuck tail and run the other direction, because I'm tired and bored and hurt and just so beyond done. I feel like a pig that's left turning on a spit for about 12 hours too long. I'm charred and crusty and no longer anything tasty to consider. OVER DONE.
Okay, yeah, I can hear you all telling me not to give up.
At least not yet.
Last night I tried Tae Bo Ripped Extreme for the first time (more on that later) and I can vouch for at least a pound or two of that gain this month being from the stress it put on my body last night. I'm swollen today and in repair mode. I know what it feels like now. I spent all last week in repair mode.
And I can hear you telling me everything under the sun:
- Stop worrying.
(I can't. I don't know how. It's not who I am. Worrying is how I get things done. Without worry I don't care, and I don't want to stop caring because that will be the end of me.)
- Hang in there.
(I still am. Fingernails gripping the bark. Unable to move forward but damn sure that if I'm pushed back again, it won't be because I failed to do something I needed to stay put.)
- Adjust your calories.
(Honestly, I haven't been letting my calories run my life lately. Maybe that's part of the problem, who knows. I have a wide range according to Spark and MFP right now...and I know my body doesn't usually like wide ranges. I swear it'd be alright if I ate the exact same number of calories every single day. But then I'd have to shoot myself out of boredom and then where would I be? So maybe my body will adjust to my range, because I've been listening to my body lately. I've been having "talks" with it, as Hubs jokes. I ask myself if I'm really hungry..and if I am, I eat sensibly. At 10am today, I felt hungry. I ate a big salad and a small slice of bread. The problem has come with food in resisting temptation...because I'm so pissed off all the time that sometimes it's simple to just throw my hands in the air and say, "WTF?! Eat the damn pizza." I did today.)
- Don't work out so much!
(How much is too much?)
- Work out more!
(How much can one person take?)
- Stop thinking about it and just follow SP's guidelines.
(First of all, if that worked, it would've worked back 6 months ago when I really starting struggling on this big fat plateau. But it hasn't been working. For whatever reason, maybe it's me...maybe I'm just not giving it a chance. FIIK. But it wasn't working, so I tried something new, and that worked for about 6 weeks, and then stopped working again and *bangs head on desk repeatedly*. Second of all, if I want to really figure out this thing for life and lose the last 120 pounds or so and then maintain, I can't mindlessly follow a diet. Diets don't work. I was on a diet from the age of 6-20 and I continued to gain weight throughout that time. Diets don't work. I have to figure out my body and learn to work WITH it. I have to fight the emotional and mental demons. And, sometimes, I'm just going to have to have a piss-poor adjustment month.)
So what am I going to do in March?
Oh, hell if I know. Really, I'm just going to keep going like I am. Right now my plan is set as the following:
Sunday - Hiking 1-2 hours
Monday - Lunch Mile+ and Yoga Meltdown or Pilates
Tuesday - Tae Bo or Zumba for Kinect
Wednesday - Lunch Mile+ and Yoga Meltdown or Pilates
Friday - NTC 30-45 minute circuit training
Saturday - 5k walk
Can I tell you I want to cry? In the past few months, I've been stripped of everything I love. Boxing went. Zumba was out with the hip/pelvic injury. Then running had to go. Then the gym. No jumping now. Very little walking...I'm down to some home DVDs that make me feel like a fat person who is afraid to go outside, and hiking and walking, which make me feel lazy. (I can't help the way I feel...) The only time I feel good is when I'm doing my NTC, and I'm now completely stripped of many of the workouts on there because I don't have the resources or room at home to complete them. So here's to the angry and bitter girl who is still trying to fight obesity and hating the looks from those around here who see her limping and automatically assume it's because I'm fat and not because I'm a crazy, insane workout running freak who got an injury. Cool, thanks for that look of disguist a-hole. Nice to see you too. I think I'll go eat a donut...
And before you all say I'm depressed...you bet your @ss I am! Isn't that enough to make someone "sad and gloomy; dejected; downcast" (or, I like this one better - "being or measured below the standard or norm"...my standards are way friggin' up there and I'm limping along down here. YES, I am depressed.)? Haven't I earned the right to get angry and bitter about it? It's my life. It kinda sucks right now. I feel oppressed by my circumstances, and yet I'm still going. Give me a little credit for that, at least.
So my goals for March?
- Hopefully heal this dang foot. (Need a new brace...this one is crap. *sigh*)
- Workout more, I guess. Stick to the schedule above - streak until I pass out then get back up and streak again.
- Find out what I'm really burning. (HRM shipped today. Says it could be here by Saturday. *shrug*)
- Continue to log everything.
That's all I got. I don't have a weight goal because my luck I'd get the same amount of pounds added back on. I have no clue what I can do in March. I just know I can workout until I pass out, then get back up and do it all over again. I just know I can eat healthy 99% of the time to make up for the 1% when I'm bawling my eyes out in my Ben & Jerry's Phish Food. I'm just trying to hold onto my sanity, since I feel my dignity being stripped away. That's my plan for March.
As promised, here's my review for Tae Bo Ripped Extreme - Don't do it.
Okay, so that's a little vague. Let's just put it this way, I wanted to punch Billy Blanks in the face so many times that I think I may have pulled a shoulder muscle getting out my aggression.
Yes, the workout is hard. I knew that going in. But I did Tae Bo in the 90's y'all. Back with the dinosaurs and stuff, as my kids would say. I also did it while I was not in such good shape. So, while I knew this was going to be hard - I'm not beginner, I thought I could take it. ...I'm not sure I can.
The boxing and kicking stuff. Yea, I got that. My balance is great. My flexibility rocks. My boxing skills come back into play. But I guess I'm old school. Boxing, to me, should be controlled. I remember Banks being so much more about control back in the 90s. Am I projecting onto him and repressing bad memories here?!
I also remember him being nicer. He's running this group of girls through these drills and yelling at them whenever they "get out of line" or don't show enough "heart" or "energy" or something...I don't know WHAT he wanted from the girl in the black and blue who was, according to what I saw, doing the best out of any of the other girls and sweating the most as well, but at one point he got right in her face and seemed to be scolding her like she was 4 years old. I wanted to knee him in the groin and it took everything in me to keep going at that point. Was he always this mean?! Why don't I remember that?
Okay, so let me actually review the DVD. If you know Tae Bo or Boxing or Kickboxing, you should know the basic gist. Do the tutorial if you haven't done Tae Bo before (and, if you're like me, you may actually want to use that 14 minutes over and over again in exchange for his attitude in the 59 minute workout!). He teaches you how to shadow box safely so you don't overextend and pull muscles.
Warm up is faster paced than most warm ups I've seen on workout DVDs. But I could take it.
And then he introduced what he called "cardio sets". Take a boxing combination. Say jab, cross, jab, front kick. Take that, do it at a normal pace about 4-6 times, and then go into super-sonic hyper speed. Go on, whip your arms around like a dolt and realize you no longer have any control because you have no time to consider this move as you try to remember what's next. I think this is one of those workouts that take you like 2 months to "learn it" and once you learn it, then you can start doing it correctly. Like I said, I know what I'm doing here and I'm still pretty sure I jacked up my left shoulder a bit.
...after you do a bit of this crazy-watch-a-ninja-movie-on-fast-forward workout, you get to ST. And what does he introduce in the ST sets? Oh, yes, cardio sets. Okay, so I can get behind these. For the most part he sets a reasonable pace that a normal person can follow and still maintain form and control (so crucial in ST!). Only, it seemed forced to me. I don't know...it threw me off. Still, I'd pick this last part of the DVD (even with the scolding part being in it) over the first part 9 times out of 10.
And then you get to the stretching...my favorite part of the entire DVD. ;)
So, what'd I get out of it?
I'm no longer a fan of Billy Blanks. Mr. Motivational has turned Mr. A-hole. Sorry to BB fans out there, but it's true.
I also got a lot of soreness, pain and swelling so, yes, the workout "did something" as it were. I also have a good bit of pain in my shoulder - but I'm not stranger to injury so I'll soldier on (and probably hurt it worse).
Will I do it again?
Probably. I can say that we won't be getting rid of it because Ethan loves it. I hate this even more because I want him to learn focus and control - not this crazy nonsense. But, kids bounce back easier, right?!
I am proud to say that I made it through the entire workout. My back hurt a bit, and my knees didn't like the sonic-speed kicking. But I did surprise myself a few times.
I didn't, however, use any dumbbells during the ST segment. Mostly because I couldn't find mine, but I would recommed this for anyone just starting out this DVD. Don't risk injury. Get used to the moves first. Once it starts to feel too easy, THEN you can add in some extra weight.
The verdict? ...I'm already shopping Amazon for an alternative.
Oh, and one final little glowing thought. BB, or B-hole, as I refer to him now, tells you over and over again to "get angry with yourself". EFF THAT, DUDE! I want something that will make me PROUD of myself, not make me angry and make me feel worthless and inadequate.
The real question is - Can I still return this to WalMart without the outside wrapping? ;)
Get An Email Alert Each Time CALLIKIA Posts