Tuesday, March 06, 2012
Weight Last Week: 307.4
Weight This Week: 306.4
Lost 1 pound, I guess...but I'm not really keeping track anymore. It'll go up and down like a yo-yo no matter what I do, it seems. The day before that 307.4 weigh in I was at 304, so until I get back to 302 and start losing from there, it just doesn't really count anymore.
I left Friday afternoon for NC to go visit an "old" friend. (When did I get old enough to have old friends!?) I expected it to be somewhat of a relaxing weekend. Boy was I wrong! My friend is getting a divorce, currently juggling 2 guys, and buying a house. So, yeah, it was a crazy busy weekend.
I left the house just before noon, stopped up at my MIL's and picked up the entire Game of Thrones series on CD and a Terry Pratchet book as well, and then headed to Kroger to fuel up. The whole time I was worried about "road food" so I got this brilliant idea when I got to Kroger to just buy a few things there. I ended up with a yummy turkey/swiss sandwich for lunch, some grapes, and 2 bags of Chex Mix (regular and turtle, which I got to fulfill my "sweet tooth" needs). So I ate pretty well all the way down. I even bought a Coke I didn't drink until the way back (and it was a little bottle - so cute and only 89 cents...and just the right amount for me!).
I got to her house about 7pm and we headed out with P (boyfriend #2) for sushi. I ordered like a crazy person. Edamame, steamed jasmine rice, and 4 sushi rolls! (Albacore tuna, big roll, crunch roll, and cucumber roll). I only ate about 3 of the rolls though, a few bites of rice and a few edamame, so it really wasn't that bad. I did have a tasty drinkity-drink, though. *lol*
And then we called J (boyfriend #1) and met him at the movie theatre, but not before stopping at Target for candy (and some random thing I'd forgotten...and the other 2 books in the Hunger Games trilogy! *lol*). I ended up with a box of Reese's pieces and a little bag of pretzel M&Ms, as well as a bottle of water. Not once did I crave that nasty popcorn (helped that neither of them like it either) and I only ended up eating 1/2 the bag of M&Ms. (BTW - We saw Wanderlust and it was one of the absolute worst movies I have ever seen...and I have a film minor, so keep in mind I've seen a LOT of movies. I nearly walked out twice and would have done so if I hadn't have been with my friend and J and had no car.)
Granted, I started out the morning with an indulgence - Starbucks. I never get Starbucks at home...but I'm learning that I prefer my coffee from home more now, especially since I have the grinder, the french press, and my aerolatte foamer. Who needs Starbucks? I'll save my 5 bucks, thank you. Of course, I didn't have all that there, so I ended up at Starbucks while Andrea cooked us up a healthy breakfast of eggs, onions, peppers, and a couple slices of bacon.
Then we headed out to go shopping. The main places on my list? Trader Joe's, Whole Foods, and Old Navy and/or Gap. FYI - All of you that have Trader Joe's in your area...I'm completely jealous! I bought a few things to bring home - sea salt grinders, teeny tiny potatoes (which I roasted in the crockpot last night and have for lunch today), cinnamon crumpets (OMG...so good this AM), and gnocchi (which I made last night, but my sauce failed and I couldn't really enjoy it). Also picked up an apple and 2 canisters of free trade coffee beans.
We also went to check out the house my friend had put an offer in on (and was just waiting to hear back from the seller from - it caused a lot of drama all weekend from Friday night on, but she eventually signed the papers Saturday night). Then we headed over to ON where, other than a little nastiness from the woman at the register (I have my husband's card, and he hadn't yet officially put me on the account) I found a little cardigan to go with a dress I wore at a wedding last year, a pretty green shirt with a bird on it (I love birds, apparently), and a pair of size 20 jeans. I had planned on them being goal jeans, but they actually fit. A little tight, but not so bad I can't wear them out (I actually wore them home yesterday). When we went back the next day to get the stuff I had picked out the day before, I also found some clearance items for my boys.
After that we headed downtown for a charity event where my friend got her head shaved to raise money for children's cancer research - brave girl! (She had a whole G.I. Jane thing going on.) And then we headed to J's popcorn shop so she could show off her head and show me where he works (he manages a gourmet popcorn shop...I brought some home for the boys). And THEN we headed back downtown for lunch. (You see how this is working out...we barely stopped to breathe!) I told her that I really wanted a really good cheeseburger (I've been on the hunt for so long!! Years, really.) and we ended up at this place called Draft that J had suggested. It was wonderful! I had the Magical Mystical Mushroom burger with 3 kinds of mushrooms, jack cheese and bacon and delicious handcut fries. It was my one indulgent meal (I even had 2 cheese puffs ...before I decided they had too much cheese and it was upseting my tummy) and I enjoyed every last bite! (We ended up not eating again the rest of the night because we were SO full still from those massive burgers!)
I don't even remember what happened after that. I think we did finally go back and "rest" for a bit...
...and then went outlet shopping. (I remember now!) I found a dress for my brother's wedding in June, and some clothes for my boys. It was interesting seeing what clothes I could fit into now. And Logan loved the pretty blue sweater I got him from Banana Republic (regularly 60 bucks...I got it for 14!). And then we tried to get some root beer floats at DQ, but they were out of rootbeer...so we had Coke Floats instead. And got me some new bras (because the only thing that HAS shrunk on me for sure is my boobs).
...and then met her realtor to sign the contract for the house.
...and then met J for 5 rounds of bowling. FIVE GAMES! WTF!? Btw - I hate bowling. I really, really, really suck at it. My first game score? 54. Yea, that kind of suck at it. Plus, my foot was killing me and bowling shoes have ZERO arch support. I just bit my tongue and tried to get through it. I had a beer and treated it like ST. I switched between 10-15 pound bowling balls, switched from my right arm to my left (got about the same first left-handed game score as I had with my right...that's sad), tried to sit low in squats when I released the ball. I figured I should get something out of it. J and my friend were having a blast and I was just trying not to beg to be dropped off at the house to sleep and read.
We got home really late and I passed out almost immediately.
We started Sunday with the question, "What do you want to eat?" For some reason pancakes popped into my head. *lol* We ended up at a diner with J where I got a huge breakfast with eggs, wheat toast, homefries, and pancakes. I fully intended to eat it all, but, alas, it beat me. After a breakfast we picked up J's dog and headed to a local park where they have a beautiful approx. 3-mile trail (she said she thought it was just over 3 miles) around a lake. It was a great paved path (what both J and my friend consider "hiking"...that's sad) with a CRAPTON of hills (which, I now know, hurt my foot and ankle more than anything...even more than driving!). I did show off my dog-training skills though. J's dog nearly tried to eat a runner, another dog, and a baby stroller when we started out. Until I taught my friend how to hold him in tight when someone passed and I started saying "leave it" whenever he tensed up as someone/something went by. We didn't really have any more troubles after that...apparently the dog is a fast learner.
I'll admit it - I was exhausted after that. I didn't know what the hell we were going to do next, but I just didn't want it to be go-go-go. We ended up watching part of the movie Overboard at P's house (keeping track of the boyfriend hopping yet?) where my friend fell asleep and I just tried to keep myself awake (because sleeping in some stranger's house is just weird) and then P's parents showed up! AWKWARD! And then P's aunt and her family. I wanted to run and hide. I just kept my mouth shut, smiled, and reminded myself it would all be over soon. We finally headed out about an hour later, about an hour and half before we were supposed to meet J and his friend for dinner. (I had already decided not to say pretty much anything anymore because I was tired of trying to remember what I could tell one person about what we did earlier because we probably did it with the other person that they knew about but I wasn't supposed to mention because it might hurt that person. *head hurts*)
We finally decided we were hungry, but I knew if we ate then we wouldn't eat in an hour and half with J and his friend. So, instead, I suggested we stop by a frozen yogurt place. She's got them all over the area there, and we don't have that here. It was great! I tried 3 kinds of frozen yogurt, with a tiny bit of the toppings I liked. It's great for someone (like me) who can never make up her mind. I didn't have to! I could have it all if I wanted! *lol*
After that, we headed to WalMart for underwear. *lol* My life is exciting, right!? I wasn't the only one in need, but seriously, I've neglected buying new for a while and I've certainly lost enough weight to buy new sizes. The old ones give me droopy drawers syndrome. We also stopped off at Whole Foods. For those of you with Whole Foods near you - I'm jealous! Their prepared food section looked amazing! I kept thinking I might stop there on my way home the next day for some lunch (but didn't...I just wanted to get home and see hubs before he had to go to sleep). I ended up finding what I needed - Herbs de Provence (I thought I got two, but I messed up and got one of those and one Herbs of Italy. Whatevs...we'll use 'em both.) and then realized I had left my phone at P's house and nearly cried my eyes out. It was the only thing keeping me busy and sane while my friend was cuddling with her men. I had to wait until later - after dinner - to pick it up because he too was going out to dinner with his entire family. *facepalm*
We got back to the house with 15 minutes to change and head out to meet J for dinner, where I decided a salad was in order...but couldn't resist some of the cheese fries. After dinner, we got a call from P that I could pick up my phone, so we dropped J off at my friend's apartment, went to P's and picked up my phone, then went back to Andrea's apartment where I finally just shut myself in my friend's room to read while they cuddled on the couch watching TV after packing up my stuff for the next day.
I got up about 20 minutes before I needed to leave (she had to go to work) and showered quickly and then was out the door. I grabbed some Starbucks and then got on the road. I had to stop 3 times though - once for breakfast (an everything bagel with cream cheese from DD) and to pee, once for gas and to pee, and once just to pee. I guess I was doing well with the water thing on the way back! *lol* Got home yesterday and all plans to get immediately back on track went to hell. I was exhausted. I took Hubs to lunch, then crashed on the couch...before remembering I'd gotten my HRM while I was gone. *face palm* You know I HAD to try it out. So my oldest and I ended up taking the dogs on a short walk just so I could test the thing out and work out some kinks before the real work starts tomorrow.
I did the fitness test on my HRM and it set my goals for the week (I told it I wanted to lose weight...poor thing doesn't know what a battle it has ahead of it to make that happen!). I'm supposed to work out 4h 50m and burn 3300 calories this week. I've gotten 16 minutes and 107 calories done so far, and I plan on doing that stupid Tae Bo workout again tonight (because I'm STILL waiting on the gym to get back with me...). We'll see how off SP/MFP are for reals tonight, I guess...if I can make it through today.
Today I'm tired...exhausted really.
I'm bloated from the eating out and the drive, I'm guessing.
I did cook dinner last night at home and managed to make some chicken and veggies for my lunch for today, so at least I got my butt in gear for that. I'm back in "full swing" mode and hoping I can get myself back on track. I had my fun (sorta)...time to get back to work!
Calories: 1642 per day
Calories Burned: 3300
Fitness minutes: at least 200 or as close to 4h 50m as possible
Going to try to eat at home every night this week (though no clue what I can make tonight...maybe some rice...I think I have rice and some tofu in the fridge, so I could pull out some Tofu Fried Rice...I think. If not I'll have to stop at Kroger and pick up some fish or chicken or something to make.
Is it 6pm yet? *falls asleep*
Thursday, March 01, 2012
Official Weight for February 1st: 302.6
Official Weight for March 1st: 306.0
Yep. That's right. I gained 3.4 pounds, folks.
Sad, right?! In fact, since January 1st I've only "officially" lost .4 pounds. Say it with me y'all - pathetic.
Location --- Feb 1st --- Mar 1st = loss/gain
Neck --- 14.5 - 14.5 = 0
Upper Arm --- 13.5 - 13.75 = +.25 *sigh*
Bust --- 45 - 44 = -1 inch
Under Breasts --- 41.5 - 41 = -.5
Waist --- 44.5 - 43.75 = -.75 (that's more like it!)
Hips --- 54 - 54.75 = +.75 (##$$^@#&^!!!)
Thigh --- 23.5 - 24 = +.5 (seriously?!?!)
Calf --- 20 - 20 = 0
Total inches lost in February = NOT A DAMN 1/4 OF AN INCH.
January was just so good to me...and then February was nothing but absolute crap! I hate February. I didn't feel ANY of the love in February from my scale, my tape measure, my body...NADA! This was supposed to be the month I finally saw 298 (like so many before it), but instead I got to see the other end of 300-309.
*bangs head on desk repeatedly*
Let's consider what happened in February. Honestly, I don't remember much, so I'm going to have to pull out all my fitness trackers and nutrition trackers to get the skinny (HA! yea right!) on that. But here's what I do remember...
* My little foot injury turned into a big friggin' problem. I tried to adjust.
* I took a break to rest my foot. It didn't help at all.
* I overate a bit pretty much the entire month. And I'm still struggling against that. But very very few of those days were due to me binging or emotional eating. The majority of my "bad" days in February food-wise were days when I simply felt hungry and gave in. Still, I stayed in a range that SHOULD have produced a net loss at least 95% of the time.
* I struggled with how much to eat, with trying to figure out how many calories I was burning.
* I tried to amp up the workouts.
* I was dropped from my gym like yesterday's garbage. I tried to adjust.
* I began taking on home workouts and even ran a 10-day streak until Monday, when I basically passed out from exhaustion.
* I still didn't know if I was working too hard or not hard enough.
* I took that day off, and then got right back on the horse. I had "easy" days when I'd only burn about 400 estimated calories (again, still unsure) and then huge hiking and Tae Bo days when I was burning over 1k.
And what'd I get for my trouble? No inches lost. A 3.6 pound gain. And a really pissed off, stressed out, over worked, under appreciated head and body. I'm hurt. I'm still going. I'm not seeing results. I'm still going. I have no friggin' CLUE why I'm still going, but I'm still going. A whole lot of worry. A whole lot of pain. A whole lot of pushing through. And a slap on the face to finish the month. Yippe-friggin'-hoo.
I swear to you that I can taste the bitterness in my body over the month of February. I'm already planning and scheming to get myself out of my surroundings for the weekend, but I don't know if I'll really be able to get that opportunity or not. I just know that a dog can only be kicked so many times before it starts to bite or turns to run. I've been biting lately. My only resource left is to tuck tail and run the other direction, because I'm tired and bored and hurt and just so beyond done. I feel like a pig that's left turning on a spit for about 12 hours too long. I'm charred and crusty and no longer anything tasty to consider. OVER DONE.
Okay, yeah, I can hear you all telling me not to give up.
At least not yet.
Last night I tried Tae Bo Ripped Extreme for the first time (more on that later) and I can vouch for at least a pound or two of that gain this month being from the stress it put on my body last night. I'm swollen today and in repair mode. I know what it feels like now. I spent all last week in repair mode.
And I can hear you telling me everything under the sun:
- Stop worrying.
(I can't. I don't know how. It's not who I am. Worrying is how I get things done. Without worry I don't care, and I don't want to stop caring because that will be the end of me.)
- Hang in there.
(I still am. Fingernails gripping the bark. Unable to move forward but damn sure that if I'm pushed back again, it won't be because I failed to do something I needed to stay put.)
- Adjust your calories.
(Honestly, I haven't been letting my calories run my life lately. Maybe that's part of the problem, who knows. I have a wide range according to Spark and MFP right now...and I know my body doesn't usually like wide ranges. I swear it'd be alright if I ate the exact same number of calories every single day. But then I'd have to shoot myself out of boredom and then where would I be? So maybe my body will adjust to my range, because I've been listening to my body lately. I've been having "talks" with it, as Hubs jokes. I ask myself if I'm really hungry..and if I am, I eat sensibly. At 10am today, I felt hungry. I ate a big salad and a small slice of bread. The problem has come with food in resisting temptation...because I'm so pissed off all the time that sometimes it's simple to just throw my hands in the air and say, "WTF?! Eat the damn pizza." I did today.)
- Don't work out so much!
(How much is too much?)
- Work out more!
(How much can one person take?)
- Stop thinking about it and just follow SP's guidelines.
(First of all, if that worked, it would've worked back 6 months ago when I really starting struggling on this big fat plateau. But it hasn't been working. For whatever reason, maybe it's me...maybe I'm just not giving it a chance. FIIK. But it wasn't working, so I tried something new, and that worked for about 6 weeks, and then stopped working again and *bangs head on desk repeatedly*. Second of all, if I want to really figure out this thing for life and lose the last 120 pounds or so and then maintain, I can't mindlessly follow a diet. Diets don't work. I was on a diet from the age of 6-20 and I continued to gain weight throughout that time. Diets don't work. I have to figure out my body and learn to work WITH it. I have to fight the emotional and mental demons. And, sometimes, I'm just going to have to have a piss-poor adjustment month.)
So what am I going to do in March?
Oh, hell if I know. Really, I'm just going to keep going like I am. Right now my plan is set as the following:
Sunday - Hiking 1-2 hours
Monday - Lunch Mile+ and Yoga Meltdown or Pilates
Tuesday - Tae Bo or Zumba for Kinect
Wednesday - Lunch Mile+ and Yoga Meltdown or Pilates
Friday - NTC 30-45 minute circuit training
Saturday - 5k walk
Can I tell you I want to cry? In the past few months, I've been stripped of everything I love. Boxing went. Zumba was out with the hip/pelvic injury. Then running had to go. Then the gym. No jumping now. Very little walking...I'm down to some home DVDs that make me feel like a fat person who is afraid to go outside, and hiking and walking, which make me feel lazy. (I can't help the way I feel...) The only time I feel good is when I'm doing my NTC, and I'm now completely stripped of many of the workouts on there because I don't have the resources or room at home to complete them. So here's to the angry and bitter girl who is still trying to fight obesity and hating the looks from those around here who see her limping and automatically assume it's because I'm fat and not because I'm a crazy, insane workout running freak who got an injury. Cool, thanks for that look of disguist a-hole. Nice to see you too. I think I'll go eat a donut...
And before you all say I'm depressed...you bet your @ss I am! Isn't that enough to make someone "sad and gloomy; dejected; downcast" (or, I like this one better - "being or measured below the standard or norm"...my standards are way friggin' up there and I'm limping along down here. YES, I am depressed.)? Haven't I earned the right to get angry and bitter about it? It's my life. It kinda sucks right now. I feel oppressed by my circumstances, and yet I'm still going. Give me a little credit for that, at least.
So my goals for March?
- Hopefully heal this dang foot. (Need a new brace...this one is crap. *sigh*)
- Workout more, I guess. Stick to the schedule above - streak until I pass out then get back up and streak again.
- Find out what I'm really burning. (HRM shipped today. Says it could be here by Saturday. *shrug*)
- Continue to log everything.
That's all I got. I don't have a weight goal because my luck I'd get the same amount of pounds added back on. I have no clue what I can do in March. I just know I can workout until I pass out, then get back up and do it all over again. I just know I can eat healthy 99% of the time to make up for the 1% when I'm bawling my eyes out in my Ben & Jerry's Phish Food. I'm just trying to hold onto my sanity, since I feel my dignity being stripped away. That's my plan for March.
As promised, here's my review for Tae Bo Ripped Extreme - Don't do it.
Okay, so that's a little vague. Let's just put it this way, I wanted to punch Billy Blanks in the face so many times that I think I may have pulled a shoulder muscle getting out my aggression.
Yes, the workout is hard. I knew that going in. But I did Tae Bo in the 90's y'all. Back with the dinosaurs and stuff, as my kids would say. I also did it while I was not in such good shape. So, while I knew this was going to be hard - I'm not beginner, I thought I could take it. ...I'm not sure I can.
The boxing and kicking stuff. Yea, I got that. My balance is great. My flexibility rocks. My boxing skills come back into play. But I guess I'm old school. Boxing, to me, should be controlled. I remember Banks being so much more about control back in the 90s. Am I projecting onto him and repressing bad memories here?!
I also remember him being nicer. He's running this group of girls through these drills and yelling at them whenever they "get out of line" or don't show enough "heart" or "energy" or something...I don't know WHAT he wanted from the girl in the black and blue who was, according to what I saw, doing the best out of any of the other girls and sweating the most as well, but at one point he got right in her face and seemed to be scolding her like she was 4 years old. I wanted to knee him in the groin and it took everything in me to keep going at that point. Was he always this mean?! Why don't I remember that?
Okay, so let me actually review the DVD. If you know Tae Bo or Boxing or Kickboxing, you should know the basic gist. Do the tutorial if you haven't done Tae Bo before (and, if you're like me, you may actually want to use that 14 minutes over and over again in exchange for his attitude in the 59 minute workout!). He teaches you how to shadow box safely so you don't overextend and pull muscles.
Warm up is faster paced than most warm ups I've seen on workout DVDs. But I could take it.
And then he introduced what he called "cardio sets". Take a boxing combination. Say jab, cross, jab, front kick. Take that, do it at a normal pace about 4-6 times, and then go into super-sonic hyper speed. Go on, whip your arms around like a dolt and realize you no longer have any control because you have no time to consider this move as you try to remember what's next. I think this is one of those workouts that take you like 2 months to "learn it" and once you learn it, then you can start doing it correctly. Like I said, I know what I'm doing here and I'm still pretty sure I jacked up my left shoulder a bit.
...after you do a bit of this crazy-watch-a-ninja-movie-on-fast-forward workout, you get to ST. And what does he introduce in the ST sets? Oh, yes, cardio sets. Okay, so I can get behind these. For the most part he sets a reasonable pace that a normal person can follow and still maintain form and control (so crucial in ST!). Only, it seemed forced to me. I don't know...it threw me off. Still, I'd pick this last part of the DVD (even with the scolding part being in it) over the first part 9 times out of 10.
And then you get to the stretching...my favorite part of the entire DVD. ;)
So, what'd I get out of it?
I'm no longer a fan of Billy Blanks. Mr. Motivational has turned Mr. A-hole. Sorry to BB fans out there, but it's true.
I also got a lot of soreness, pain and swelling so, yes, the workout "did something" as it were. I also have a good bit of pain in my shoulder - but I'm not stranger to injury so I'll soldier on (and probably hurt it worse).
Will I do it again?
Probably. I can say that we won't be getting rid of it because Ethan loves it. I hate this even more because I want him to learn focus and control - not this crazy nonsense. But, kids bounce back easier, right?!
I am proud to say that I made it through the entire workout. My back hurt a bit, and my knees didn't like the sonic-speed kicking. But I did surprise myself a few times.
I didn't, however, use any dumbbells during the ST segment. Mostly because I couldn't find mine, but I would recommed this for anyone just starting out this DVD. Don't risk injury. Get used to the moves first. Once it starts to feel too easy, THEN you can add in some extra weight.
The verdict? ...I'm already shopping Amazon for an alternative.
Oh, and one final little glowing thought. BB, or B-hole, as I refer to him now, tells you over and over again to "get angry with yourself". EFF THAT, DUDE! I want something that will make me PROUD of myself, not make me angry and make me feel worthless and inadequate.
The real question is - Can I still return this to WalMart without the outside wrapping? ;)
Monday, February 27, 2012
From yesterday morning:
Weight last week: 305.4
Weight this week: 307.4
Food: Didn't log
Exercise: 30 min heavy cleaning, est. cal. burn = 206
Exercise: 3 hours hiking, up and down hills, through muck and around some tricky parts too, carrying 1 gallon jug of water and toting the little pup, est. cal. burn = 2493
Exercise: 20 minute lunch walk, approx 3.5mph pace, a little over a mile, est. cal. burn = 175
Exercise: 25 minutes "shooting hoops" with Hubs + 14 min tutorial for Tae Bo, est. cal. burn = 672
Exercise: Lunch walk, approx 3.5mph pace, 20 min, about 1.25 miles + Yoga Meltdown 30 minutes, est. cal. burn = 400
Exercise: NTC 30 min circuit, est. cal. burn = 554
Food: 3384 (HCD)*
Exercise: 55 Minutes of Wii Sports, est. cal. burn = 685
BMR = 2142
On Sunday I weighed in at 305.4.
Then I hiked for 3 hours on a challenging course. Had a lot of fun, but I hadn't expected to be out quite that long.
The next morning, I'd jumped up to 308 and haven't been able to get it down but a pound since then.
What do I think?
Fluck if I know.
I can hear it all in my head...and it's all conflicting and none of it makes sense.
* I'm doing too much, my body needs rest.
* Rest and it will get worse, it has to budge eventually...right?!
* You're still eating too much. WTF is with that day over 3k?
* You're not eating enough. That 3k day wasn't a binge, that was a full day of your body saying, "OMG! I'm SO hungry! FEED ME, PLEASE!!"
*bangs head on desk repeatedly*
Because it's the same story no matter how I work it.
I just can't seem to get past this point.
I've been fighting for the "under 300" mark for so long that it's leaving a sour taste in my mouth.
Every morning I want to throw the scale out the window.
Every morning I want to give up and just say "screw it".
Because I'm burned out.
And because I'm not seeing results.
And because I've lost all sense of hope that it will happen any time soon.
Hope = ZERO right now.
Work has burned me out.
Workouts have burned me out.
This "eating right" BS has burned me out.
Cooking all the time, cleaning up after 3 boys (yes, counting Hubs), making sure everything is running smoothly, paying for everything and knowing there isn't enough money to go around, trying to juggle finances, and the boys and my marriage and eating healthy and working out and work and my life and...I'm so tired getting out of bed this morning was almost impossible.
I need a vacation.
I know that. I've felt this before, and usually what I need is a week to recharge.
But life doesn't allow that right now.
Because the kids still require my attention. Ethan has 2 concerts coming up. One at school, another for the WV All-State Children's Chorus.
And work requires my attention because we'll soon be at the end of a contract term and I haven't closed shiz in a couple months, and I need to bring my numbers back up. There are currently 7 cases in my desk waiting for me to write them up and close them out. And another 9-10 that I need to keep working.
And Logan is going through this awkward "becoming a teenager" phase where we go from moments where he's clinging to me, laughing with me, listening to what I say and doing what he's supposed to, to him actually growling, stomping, hitting, and hating everyone.
And, the biggest thing of all, there's no money for a vacation...not the kind I need.
Because if I took a vacation right now I'd simply stay at home worrying about all the things I wasn't doing at work - eating right - working out - with the kids - etc. and I'd end up more of a mess than I already am.
So my only option is to keep going until I pass out, puke, or die.
And I'm seriously feeling like I'm almost there. I nearly puked twice during the Yoga Meltdown and then again during my circuit training the next day (didn't realize how hard that yoga had worked me until I tried to work it again). And what did I do? I kept going. I finished it out. All the while worrying that I wasn't eating enough, was eating too much, wasn't working out hard enough, was working out too much/too hard. And that is enough to make anyone's brain turn to mush.
Every day I announce to myself, "That's it. I'm DONE!" And then I just do it all over again.
Because I don't want to look back and say, "I could've done more."
I don't want to look back and blame myself for what isn't happening.
If I'm going to fail, I'm going to fail knowing there was nothing I could do to stop it.
If I'm going to fail, I'm going to end up on the ground bleeding and torn and broken saying, "No one can say I didn't give it my all."
I've tried working out every damn day.
I've tried workout schedules.
I've tried eating like a bird.
I've tried eating more "fuel" for my body.
I've tried sweating until it hurts.
I've tried rest.
And I keep ending up with these same 6-8 pounds following me around like some sad, lost puppy dog.
And even though I want to bash my head into the wall, punch someone out, cry, throw my hands in the air and just give up, etc., etc., etc...I just keep going. Because what other option do I have?
I'm already broken.
I'm already battered and bruised.
I'm hurting in places I didn't realize I had.
And the sad thing is knowing how strong and wonderfully beautiful those muscles are underneath all this fat, and being unable to share that with anyone.
Yesterday I took my family on a hike again.
And I was the slowest one. And that made me feel self-conscious and sad. Because I couldn't just attribute it to the fact that I have to be super careful of my knee (which popped out/in on the hike) and my foot (which is in all kinds of pain throughout the day), I just kept going back to "I'm slowest because I'm so damn fat."
And it makes me sad, because it isn't entirely untrue.
I am fat.
I've been fat for so long that I don't know what my body would look like, feel like, work like if I ever wasn't fat.
And, sadly enough, I'm starting to think I'll never find out.
I dream of being skinny/fit/athletic...friggin' NORMAL, like most people dream about being rich and famous.
I've honestly wondered if I should take on a drug habit because those girls are SO damn skinny.
So what if my teeth fall out? I'll just get new ones. And so what if I drop dead from an OD? At least I'll have experienced being "skinny" just once.
Because the slow way? Yea, it's not working anymore.
I started out this year at 306.4. And two months of fighting later? I'm still injured. Still confused. Still fat. In fact, I've gained a damn pound. How's that for 2 months of torture?
I honestly don't even remember the last time I felt like I was "successful" with this "weight loss" thing. I guess there was some brief victory in January. And then I lost in all in February between stress, a nearly broken foot, and then fighting my way back. Where's it gotten me?
"Back to the end of the line, Esther. You screwed up somewhere, so now you're going to pay for it. Suffer and learn."
Problem is, I'm not learning anything.
What the hell is going on with my body?
Why is it being so resistent?
Why can't I get the scale to budge?
Why aren't my clothes falling off me?
Near tears every single day.
And I've got nothing to show for it.
Show me all your fitspo about "pushing hard" and "Just do it" and all that BS. I say screw 'em.
I HAVE regretted a workout I've done.
Rest days don't always work.
Pushing yourself to the limit and beyond sometimes just leaves you collapsed in the dirt being stepped on by people whose bodies aren't a friggin' mess.
I love you all.
I'm incredibly happy for you and your success.
But I just don't know that I'll ever get there.
With every passing day I'm thinking, "It's just not in the cards for me."
Bit of my life story unfolding for me again on this stage. Give it my all, and still lose.
People's expectations of me are so damn high.
I work so damn hard.
I give myself credit for being able to juggle the mess that is my life and come out of it having checked everything on my to do list off.
I'm not perfect, but I don't expect that because who is?
But that doesn't mean I don't continue to strive for it.
Because if we strive for mediocre we have nothing more than mediocre to hope for.
If we strive for greatness, even if we fail, we made a good long run at it.
But some of us don't cross the finish line.
Some of us can't finish the full marathon.
Some of us fight and fight and then fall down and break every bone in our bodies and stumble to the end, and drag ourselves to the finish line only to realize that they've taken down all the banners and everyone's gone home.
And we see the looks of the people around us. Those looks of sympathy. The half-hearted, "Well at least you tried." or "You put in a good effort." But we know the truth. No body remembers the one who came in last. No one remembers them because they weren't supposed to be there in the first place. Wasting everyone's time when they should have known they were entirely out of their own league.
What am I going to change this week?
Not a damn thing.
Because someone once told me that it takes 3-4 weeks for the body to readjust to a new routine. And the only thing I haven't changed is not changing anything.
So I'll stumble through 3-4 more weeks of this and see where I end up.
Because I don't want to give up unless I know I tried everything, followed every rule, tried every single method of success that was known to man and modern science. Only after I've done everything they said and still don't get anywhere will I know that it's not me, it wasn't something I failed to do...it's the system that's flawed. It's my body rebelling. It's the fates or God or whoever keeping me here for a reason. I'll fight until there's no fight left, no stone unturned, and if I find some magic key that makes this all turn around for me - great! If not, I'll know I did everything I could, but it just wasn't meant to be.
It's a sad way to live life right now. But it's all I got. The only way out is through. The only way back is forward.
MY HRM should be here next week or the week after. Maybe getting a more accurate understanding of "calorie burn" will help. Maybe not. It's just another stone I'm turning over.
One good thing that has come out of this? I don't think I could ever go back to what/who I was "before". I know too much now. I feel too good about what I can do, even if I feel cheated because no one else sees it in me. I will run again, because I love running. I will workout because I love the way it makes me feel. I will eat things like peppers and onions and lean chicken with brown rice. I'll keep the whole grains and wheat breads and whole wheat pastas. I'll keep downing fruits and vegetables like they're picked from that tree Eve wasn't ever supposed to touch. I don't see me going back to stocking the house with craptons of processed foods, but keeping them on hand for those needed "quick meal" times. I don't see me pigging out on chips and candy and ice cream and pizza every day because I understand and accept and actually appreciate moderation. Those "sinful" foods are great as a treat, and when kept as a "once in a while" thing, they make enjoying them that much better. But I know from the way I feel now that they should never become a part of anyone's everyday diet, no matter what size or shape you are.
I keep thinking, even if I give up counting every calorie consumed and burned, I don't think I could ever give up on myself and go back to the life of indifference I had before. I care too much about myself now.
Gaining self-confidence has been the biggest NSV I could have ever hoped for and never expected. (And the fact that this struggle right now is eating away at it, that makes me worry just a bit, so I'm focusing less on what isn't happening, and focusing more on what I have done to make it happen, whether it comes to light or not, at least I put my all into it.)
Friday, February 24, 2012
Confession? I spent a couple bucks more (a little over 9 bucks) to get this at WalMart this weekend.
I had previewed this DVD and was sure that I would be able to do a lot of the advanced modifications on many of the moves, and wouldn't have much trouble with the others. What I didn't anticipate was the movement through Yoga moves would throw me off.
I practice yoga somewhat regularly. I can almost touch my heels in downward dog. I've moved into a more advanced version of dancer pose. I'm not doing any headstands anytime soon and the scorpion pose looks like absolute torture, but I can rock out some yoga. But for those of us that do yoga, the one general rule is that yoga is slow. It focuses on breathing and holding a pose. It's a great ST routine for this very reason. Hold a yoga pose, even the 5-point star pose, for 10 slow breaths and you start to realize how your muscles are being challenged. (Plus, let's face it, I have an uncanny problem with sitting still. I'm like a shark that has to be constantly moving. Corpse pose nearly killed me the first time because I wanted to scratch my nose, adjust my butt, pet the dog...do anything but stay still for however long it took.) When I went to my first yoga class, the instructor challenged me by making me hold those poses even longer.
Don't expect that with this DVD.
Jillian's idea is simple. Combine the great benefits of balance, flexibility and body weight strength training of yoga, while amping up the heart rate through transitions/movement. Jillian's sun salutation is nothing like a regular yoga-ite has ever seen before.
Of course, all of this is based on Level 1. I'm terrified of level 2 right now. *lol*
There are recognizable Yoga moves in the routine though.
Downward and up dog are both featured, plus dolphin pose, which is kind of downward dog in a modified plank position.
Oh, and this pose:
Oh, sorry. Yes, this *serious* pose is evil incarnate. This was one pose I was happy to come out of each and every time. And holding it for 15 seconds? Yeah, that was impossible for me...and I was on my knees in the "beginner" position. (Note for beginners...chaturanga in any form is not for beginners.) And because this is Jillian, who loves pushups more than any evil instructor I've ever met/not met in my life, you're going to get your fill, plus some of Chaturanga.
Oh, and speaking of those Sun Salutations. Yeah, sun salutations are supposed to be a happy, easy pose. But Jillian's created a circuit that she CALLS Sun Salutations, but really includes a quick sun salutation, followed immediately by a forward bend, into a plank, then chaturanga, then cobra, back to plank, up to downward dog, and then back to finish out that "sun salutation" you started in the very beginning.
Sorry, Jillian. That's NOT a sun salutation. That's a form of awesome torture.
Yes, I said awesome. I love this fast paced circuit. (Okay, maybe partly because I get to get out of Chaturanga pretty quickly...) It feels fast and powerful, but...
...and here's my worry. Yoga moves are all about form. Any serious yoga instructor will tell you that form is very important to avoid injury. Yoga moves can be your best friend (my PT actually assigned me Cobra as a PT move for my bad back) or your worst enemy (just read a wonderful little snippet from a girl online who injured her rotator cuff in Chaturanga...great.). It's all about form. It's about the proper positioning and alignment of the body. And my major concern is that without any thought to this, while moving so quickly through these moves, someone could make a wrong move and get hurt.
That being said, I seem to be the current magnet for injuries (I actually busted up my finger yesterday on a WALK...don't ask), and I made it through just fine. Just keep your mind plugged in to what you're doing and DO NOT expect perfection from every move...especially when you're moving that fast. Don't try to go too far and hyperextend yourself. Accept your limitations (hell, watch Jillian...you can tell flexibility is not her strong suit).
The Level 1 routine was 30 minutes long. About 5 minutes in I realized my utter failure in predicting how well I would do. By about 20 minutes in Jillian was asking me to do side planks and I wanted to punch her in her face. But by 30 minutes I'd wondered where the time went. (This is the number one thing I love about circuits...the ups and downs of wanting to kill the instructor and wanting to power through...and knowing that each pose will end soon so you can push just a TINY bit further, I think, makes for a better workout. If I knew I'd have to be there another hour...I would have given up.)
The only problem I have with this DVD right now is that there is no way to track it.
30 minutes of Yoga practice for me right now burns about 173 calories.
30 minutes of circuit training burns about 550-something.
So, I'm guessing we've got to be somewhere in between with this.
Granted, these are all computer estimated guesses on the calories burned because I don't yet have that HRM.
The down and dirty?
This is not a yoga DVD.
It's an aerobic circuit interval training workout with yoga moves built in.
I'm not saying that's a pro or a con. It is what it is. This won't take the place of my yoga stretching routines. But it can combine some of the flexibility practice I love while giving me an extra boost to the calorie burner output. (Let's face it...no one does yoga to burn calories. If they did, they'd surely be at it for a while. Yoga can transform your body and do wonderful things to your posture and flexibility and balance, but it isn't going to give you a great calorie burn because your heart isn't pumping that hard.) This DVD is a good "mix" in a way...which is exactly why I got it.
- I'm still scared about possible injuries when people aren't thinking through their moves.
- Chaturanga. Nuff said.
- For those of you that know Jillian's hard-hitting, bust-yer-arse, accept-no-excuses method of training...you're in for a surprise. This is the most subdued I've ever seen her. I actually wanted to be her friend for a minute. And the line, "Get comfortable with being uncomfortable" is about as douchey as she gets in this one (and I actually love the sentiment behind that and don't find it mean at all). I can't tell if this is because it's yoga, because Jillian isn't as comfortable with yoga/flexibility, or because she took her happy pill that morning, but I liked it!
- You're going to get some strength and flexibility training AND raise your heart rate.
- It's a circuit...it will all be over soon! *lol*
One round through (sorta...okay, so there were a few times during Chaturanga and the Side Planks where I collapsed on the floor panting, "No more! No more!") and I feel pretty good. My arms and butt are sore like a mofo today, and I can tell I got a good workout last night. I'll know more about the calorie burn aspect of it when I get my HRM, but I know it was a pretty good burn (as my 9-year-old said when he picked up my yoga mat after..."Eww! It's covered in sweat!" *roflmao*).
Overall? For under 10 bucks...definately worth it. I'm thinking of it as P90x lite-lite-lite. *snort* (Let a girl dream, okay...until she can afford P90x anyhow...)
And though I'm not giving much credit to the scale these days, I still weigh in every day. 306 today.
And because I know you love it...here's a picture of my finger.
Just add it to the "body part count". :)
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Yesterday I had to call off work. When the alarm clock sounded at 6am I realized I felt like I'd been hit by a bus and couldn't move much. Likely caused by the 3-hour hike on Monday, which finally hit me Wednesday morning, but the day wasn't a total wash. I slept a few extra hours and then was able to hobble around a little bit. Hubs took me out to breakfast, where I ate a reasonable omelet full of veggies and limited myself to one sinful biscuit, before carting me off to the "International Discount Store" commonly referred to as WalMart.
Added to my new DVD collection:
* JM's Yoga Meltdown
* Tae Bo Ripped Extreme
The first DVD I previewed yesterday and was happy to discover that I might actually be able to use the "advanced" modifications on many of the moves (but not all...my lord those pushups are going to KILL me!).
The second one I popped in right after and did the tutorial. OMG...that one IS going to kill me...in a good way I hope!
Before heading home to watch my DVD purchases (and lovingly caress my new copy of The Hunger Games, which I refuse to start until I finish the other two books I've already started), we stopped by the park and "played" some basketball. Just shooting hoops with the Hubs is a fun and carefree way to get some calorie burn in without stressing too much over it. (I realize now, though, that the time for me to get a good HRM is long past due...so I've gotten Hubs to agree that some of our tax money will go to the cause.)
(I also ordered the Rael Pilates DVDs from Amazon, which should probably be here by next week. Just another gun in my arsenal.)
Coming home, I was greeted with my foot brace, which I put on immediately and have only taken off to shower. I can already tell it's helping, especially when I get up after sitting (or sleeping) for long periods of time.
It's time to face facts. I'm going it alone for now. Until the insurance company fixes things with the gym, I need to find my own way to reach my goals. And it's not going to always be easy.
Eating hasn't been all that great. I cycle between 1600-2200 calories. But considering my last known BMR is 2142, I'm trying not to stress too much over it. Especially considering I'm on an exercise streak.
Sunday - at least 30 minutes of heavy cleaning
Monday - 3 hour hike up and down hills on some very challenging trails
Tuesday - Lunch mile walk
Wednesday - 25 minutes of basketball followed by a 14 minute Tae Bo tutorial
Of course, the scale is being a butt of all butts. I'm holding steady at 308 after my hike. Woo-friggin-hoo. I keep telling myself, "Just stick with it. This is the adjustment period. Give it at least 3-4 weeks before you change another thing because your body needs time to adjust to everything again. Do NOT expect instant results." As Jillian said in my Yoga Meltdown DVD, "Get comfortable with being uncomfortable."
I'm sore, swollen, and TOM has hit. I'm drinking lots of water, trying to eat right and sometimes not doing my best at that but not failing miserably either, and working out every day. Eventually, something's gotta give...and I'll be damned if I let it be me again.
Yesterday I announced on FB, "For Lent I'm giving up giving up on myself."
I'm not Catholic. I don't even know when Lent ends. I just know I have to stop telling myself that I'm not worth it.
I still don't feel great about myself, but I have got to get comfortable with being uncomfortable for now. And keep trying...always keep trying.
Taking stock of everything, I have the following:
* A great 1 mile walking route, 3 times around the baseball field, at work.
* A great park nearby with tennis courts, basketball hoops, a great walking route, and even a sand volleyball net. And I have the "supplies" needed for all of those.
* My foot brace, which should help a lot if I keep following my "repair" guidelines (limit jumping and running until I'm all healed up).
* NTC - the app on my phone which I plan to continue to work every Friday for 30 minutes.
* A weight bench at my MIL's house.
* A set of dumbbells at the house. I honestly have no clue what weight they are...maybe 5 pounds? But anything is better than nothing.
* A resistance band.
* JM's Yoga Meltdown
* Tae Bo Ripped Extreme
* a calming Beginner's Yoga DVD
* 30 Day Shred
* Rael Pilates DVDs (coming soon)
* Kinect for Xbox with a Zumba game
* DDR for the Wii
I'd like to get the following, eventually:
* those Turbo Fire DVDs (eep! expensive!!)
* P90x (expensive, again!)
* GSP's Rushfit DVDs (more expensive)
* Cardio Dance DVDs
* UFC Trainer for Kinect
* Just Dance games and the new Zumba game for Kinect
* Bellydancing DVD
* Walk Away the Pounds (I used this in the VERY beginning, pre-Spark, and I need a DVD copy of it)
* Biggest Loser DVDs, maybe
And my HRM.
The HRM will be coming soon. Before we get the money I need to decide whether to just get a Polar version, or if I want to go all out and finally get my Garmin Forerunner, which will be very helpful when I start running again. Because I will run again. Just try and stop me.
I don't know when this weight will budge.
I'd honestly be just fine and dandy with more inches lost because I know I've got to be getting closer to a smaller pants size (and I always said if I can wear a size 8-10-12, I don't care what I weigh. Even if I'm the only 300 pound girl in the world in a size 10...I'll take it!).
The plan for right now (which might change as my new items come in or I find or gather other DVDs from friends or family, or as rewards for my workouts).
Sunday - 1-2 hour hike or a fun active Kinect/Wii game at home with the boys
Monday - Lunch mile+ and Yoga Meltdown after work
Tuesday - Tae Bo Ripped Extreme*
Wednesday - Lunch Mile+ and Yoga Meltdown/Pilates after work
Thursday - Tae Bo Ripped Extreme*
Friday - NTC 30 minute circuit
Saturday - 5k Walk
That's right, I'm resuming my 5k Saturdays for the entire month of March. Anyone want to join me? Walk them. Run them. Whatever...but get your 3.1 miles.
* As for the Tae Bo dvd. The workout is almost an hour long. And 14 minutes yesterday nearly killed me. I have no doubt I'm going to have to work my way through this one. I'll try to improve it every time I do it so that I can eventually get every move for the entire amount of time.
Just hard work and consistency.
Trying to start a streak.
Would love to be able to say I worked out every day for 365 days...a goal I never did achieve.
Time to try again.
Day 7 of 365 starts today. Headed out for my walk probably around noon..and the weather couldn't be better for it. (It's like 60 degrees and sunny out there again! Woot!)
I'll try to review the DVDs once I do them, just in case anyone else is in the market...
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