Thursday, February 23, 2012
Yesterday I had to call off work. When the alarm clock sounded at 6am I realized I felt like I'd been hit by a bus and couldn't move much. Likely caused by the 3-hour hike on Monday, which finally hit me Wednesday morning, but the day wasn't a total wash. I slept a few extra hours and then was able to hobble around a little bit. Hubs took me out to breakfast, where I ate a reasonable omelet full of veggies and limited myself to one sinful biscuit, before carting me off to the "International Discount Store" commonly referred to as WalMart.
Added to my new DVD collection:
* JM's Yoga Meltdown
* Tae Bo Ripped Extreme
The first DVD I previewed yesterday and was happy to discover that I might actually be able to use the "advanced" modifications on many of the moves (but not all...my lord those pushups are going to KILL me!).
The second one I popped in right after and did the tutorial. OMG...that one IS going to kill me...in a good way I hope!
Before heading home to watch my DVD purchases (and lovingly caress my new copy of The Hunger Games, which I refuse to start until I finish the other two books I've already started), we stopped by the park and "played" some basketball. Just shooting hoops with the Hubs is a fun and carefree way to get some calorie burn in without stressing too much over it. (I realize now, though, that the time for me to get a good HRM is long past due...so I've gotten Hubs to agree that some of our tax money will go to the cause.)
(I also ordered the Rael Pilates DVDs from Amazon, which should probably be here by next week. Just another gun in my arsenal.)
Coming home, I was greeted with my foot brace, which I put on immediately and have only taken off to shower. I can already tell it's helping, especially when I get up after sitting (or sleeping) for long periods of time.
It's time to face facts. I'm going it alone for now. Until the insurance company fixes things with the gym, I need to find my own way to reach my goals. And it's not going to always be easy.
Eating hasn't been all that great. I cycle between 1600-2200 calories. But considering my last known BMR is 2142, I'm trying not to stress too much over it. Especially considering I'm on an exercise streak.
Sunday - at least 30 minutes of heavy cleaning
Monday - 3 hour hike up and down hills on some very challenging trails
Tuesday - Lunch mile walk
Wednesday - 25 minutes of basketball followed by a 14 minute Tae Bo tutorial
Of course, the scale is being a butt of all butts. I'm holding steady at 308 after my hike. Woo-friggin-hoo. I keep telling myself, "Just stick with it. This is the adjustment period. Give it at least 3-4 weeks before you change another thing because your body needs time to adjust to everything again. Do NOT expect instant results." As Jillian said in my Yoga Meltdown DVD, "Get comfortable with being uncomfortable."
I'm sore, swollen, and TOM has hit. I'm drinking lots of water, trying to eat right and sometimes not doing my best at that but not failing miserably either, and working out every day. Eventually, something's gotta give...and I'll be damned if I let it be me again.
Yesterday I announced on FB, "For Lent I'm giving up giving up on myself."
I'm not Catholic. I don't even know when Lent ends. I just know I have to stop telling myself that I'm not worth it.
I still don't feel great about myself, but I have got to get comfortable with being uncomfortable for now. And keep trying...always keep trying.
Taking stock of everything, I have the following:
* A great 1 mile walking route, 3 times around the baseball field, at work.
* A great park nearby with tennis courts, basketball hoops, a great walking route, and even a sand volleyball net. And I have the "supplies" needed for all of those.
* My foot brace, which should help a lot if I keep following my "repair" guidelines (limit jumping and running until I'm all healed up).
* NTC - the app on my phone which I plan to continue to work every Friday for 30 minutes.
* A weight bench at my MIL's house.
* A set of dumbbells at the house. I honestly have no clue what weight they are...maybe 5 pounds? But anything is better than nothing.
* A resistance band.
* JM's Yoga Meltdown
* Tae Bo Ripped Extreme
* a calming Beginner's Yoga DVD
* 30 Day Shred
* Rael Pilates DVDs (coming soon)
* Kinect for Xbox with a Zumba game
* DDR for the Wii
I'd like to get the following, eventually:
* those Turbo Fire DVDs (eep! expensive!!)
* P90x (expensive, again!)
* GSP's Rushfit DVDs (more expensive)
* Cardio Dance DVDs
* UFC Trainer for Kinect
* Just Dance games and the new Zumba game for Kinect
* Bellydancing DVD
* Walk Away the Pounds (I used this in the VERY beginning, pre-Spark, and I need a DVD copy of it)
* Biggest Loser DVDs, maybe
And my HRM.
The HRM will be coming soon. Before we get the money I need to decide whether to just get a Polar version, or if I want to go all out and finally get my Garmin Forerunner, which will be very helpful when I start running again. Because I will run again. Just try and stop me.
I don't know when this weight will budge.
I'd honestly be just fine and dandy with more inches lost because I know I've got to be getting closer to a smaller pants size (and I always said if I can wear a size 8-10-12, I don't care what I weigh. Even if I'm the only 300 pound girl in the world in a size 10...I'll take it!).
The plan for right now (which might change as my new items come in or I find or gather other DVDs from friends or family, or as rewards for my workouts).
Sunday - 1-2 hour hike or a fun active Kinect/Wii game at home with the boys
Monday - Lunch mile+ and Yoga Meltdown after work
Tuesday - Tae Bo Ripped Extreme*
Wednesday - Lunch Mile+ and Yoga Meltdown/Pilates after work
Thursday - Tae Bo Ripped Extreme*
Friday - NTC 30 minute circuit
Saturday - 5k Walk
That's right, I'm resuming my 5k Saturdays for the entire month of March. Anyone want to join me? Walk them. Run them. Whatever...but get your 3.1 miles.
* As for the Tae Bo dvd. The workout is almost an hour long. And 14 minutes yesterday nearly killed me. I have no doubt I'm going to have to work my way through this one. I'll try to improve it every time I do it so that I can eventually get every move for the entire amount of time.
Just hard work and consistency.
Trying to start a streak.
Would love to be able to say I worked out every day for 365 days...a goal I never did achieve.
Time to try again.
Day 7 of 365 starts today. Headed out for my walk probably around noon..and the weather couldn't be better for it. (It's like 60 degrees and sunny out there again! Woot!)
I'll try to review the DVDs once I do them, just in case anyone else is in the market...
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
It hit me about 8pm last night when I realized I didn't have to pack a gym bag for today. And it actually made me sad.
I had been all happy about the idea of "taking a break", but after my 3-hour hike with the boys yesterday, all the memories of past successes began to come back and I realized how lost I am already after over a year at the gym. Sure, there are other things I can do, but it's going to require me getting creative. It's going to require me to use fitness DVDs and games again, which is difficult in the limited space I have at home. Had this happened any other time, I would've simply resorted back to regular runs and ST up at my in-laws' place. But, with my foot injury, I can't rely upon running...and being faced with the prospect of no gym again...well, the image of me running keeps filling my head, making me sad.
I spent all weekend working hard doing something. I went to the Intro to Bellydancing class at the gym at 11am on Saturday, and then said goodbye. It was quite sad to walk away knowing everyone there, everyone that pushes me just by being there, is lost to me. I used them to keep me accountable in a way. When I couldn't force out a workout on my own, I'd use them to fuel it. And that worked, sorta...
But I realized that I no longer have this fall-back. I'm back to realizing that it's all on me. My success or failure will depend solely on me and what I choose to do with the now even more limited resources I have. Until the insurance company sorts out my transfer, I'm on my own.
So I sat there last night trying to sort out some plan for myself. I deleted my run schedule from my phone because it's only been depressing me to see that I should be up to doing 7 miles or more on my long run days...and realizing I can do 0 if I want to heal properly. And I realized....I have no plan. I'm totally lost.
Friday, Saturday and Sunday I worked on cleaning as a way to "workout" without thinking about how I felt about losing the gym. It worked well for me. I burned some calories, got caught up on some things at the house...and it is something I can work into my "plan"...but it feels a little like "cheating" to use cleaning as a workout. I know I can because it's heavy cleaning, and something I wouldn't normally do. I'm scrubbing things, getting down and dirty with things I've been neglecting - wipe down and move on was all I had the time for most days. We'll just have to see if the scale/my body thinks it's cheating as well.
Yesterday, however, was entirely different. I had previously planned to finish up one of my big overhauls - cleaning out the bedroom - sorting through old clothes, getting rid of things that no longer fit and seeing what I have left, and then finding them a new home so I'm more organized. But it hit me late Sunday night. It was my day off. I'd spent 3 days sulking in my house, torn up over the stupid cards I'd been dealt. And, honestly, I was done with all of that. It's been pretty sunny and nice, and there was no way I was going to let another nice day pass me by while I hid in the house. So the oldest and I found a state park in Athens with about a million hiking trails, and we set a plan to get some hiking in. One to two hours is what I had planned. I wanted to leave around 10am, get there around 11am, and then be back around 2-3pm.
Things never go as planned, do they?!
I spent my morning with Hubs. We were headed to Wally World to pick up a gift for my MIL's birthday. That turned into about an hour or more in town - washing the car, picking up some groceries...etc. And then we had to head up to my MIL's house to drop off her gift and wish her happy birthday. So I didn't get to leave until around 12:30pm and our hike didn't start until 1:40pm.
We took the Lakeview Trail first, figuring we could follow the lake around to the Indian Mound on the other side, which my youngest really wanted to see (like his mom, Ethan's very interested in Native American culture and history). The path was longer than we thought. The lake much larger. We ended up at some creek which wasn't on the map and even though the signs all around us pointed to us going this way, we couldn't see any sign of the trail to follow and basically dead ended after an hour of hiking. I looked at the map again and explained to my boys that even if we did find the path, we'd already been at this for an hour, and would likely have to spend another hour or more on the other side of the lake. And then it would take us at least two hours on the return hike to get back to the car. That, along with the lack of a clear path/direction to actually go, lead us to take another route back to the car.
We turned back just a bit and swung a right up the Boogie Trail. Holy crapola! It was almost straight up. My legs were burning, my foot was in serious pain mode, and I could feel my breathing pick up almost immediately. We climbed for what seemed like forever (but was probably only 1/2 a mile or so) and then found a place to rest for a minute, enjoy a small snack, and then finally got back to our feet and continued on. I had this twinge in the back of my head the whole time we were climbing about how "what goes up must come down" but I refused to let myself think about it. Half of the Boogie Trail later and we turned off onto the Broken Rock Trail, which, we knew, would lead us back to camp (we'd seen a sign right by where we parked the car).
I have to mention something about those silly little maps that these state parks give out with their trails on them. They're crap. And very deceptive. At one point we faced a fork in the Broken Rock Trail but couldn't find any "fork" on the map for that trail. (Thankfully, I chose the correct route!). Plus, what seems like a short little trail...it isn't. Hell, the Lakeview Trail didn't seem that long on the map either, but I read later on their website the dang thing is 7 miles long! Broken Rock Trail looked easy enough. We were already 2 hours in and we were more than ready to get back to the car. Little Champ (our puppy) was starting to tire, I could tell. And the boys started fighting like crazy, which usually means they're tired and cranky and hungry to boot. So I figured, no problem, another 30 minutes tops and we'll be back at the car. I was wrong. Maybe we could've done it in 45 if I would've simply rolled down the last part of the Crescent Trail (which we took because we knew it would end us up on the road to the parking lot and we were craving solid ground at the time), but the straight downhill was full of sand and rocks and tree roots and fallen leaves hiding all the rest, so it was slow going as I kept thinking to myself, "I cannot break a foot or leg or something up here, because all I have with me is the small dog and my boys...and I do not want them to have to handle somthing like that. I apologized to them, and took it very slowly, sliding here and there but maintaining my footing most of the time by taking the time to plant each foot, root around for any "trouble" under the piles of leaves, and then taking the next careful step.
Three hours we hiked in those woods.
The puppy did better than I imagined, but the boys both decided he has a form of puppy ADD because he simply cannot stay on task. (We've been spoiled hiking with our husky-mix because he knows how to lead and stay on task.)
The boys actually managed to get along for the better part of 2-2 1/2 hours, but after that all bets were off because, like I said, hungry and tired boys = cranky.
I managed not to twist anything or fall or seriously injure myself. Walking afterward was a PITA because my foot was really sore, but it feels much better today than I imagined it would, so I don't think it was too bad - just a bit overworked and overstressed. (Had we stopped an hour earlier, like I had imagined, I probably would have been just fine.)
We never reached the Indian Mound, but have decided that we'll be back when it dries up a bit to do that.
That was another weird thing. The swimming area of the lake was completely dry. The lake seemed like a dry creek bed, or, at most, a bit of a marshland type area. But the Lakeview Trail was full of muddy spots and soaking wet almost "bogs" that tried to eat my shoes. The only good thing about the Boogie Trail was that it did go straight up out of the muck, and we stayed pretty dry all the way back. (As a point of reference, our little 15 pound dog was mudsoaked all the way up his paws, on his chin, and on his belly. But by the time we got back to the car, the leaves had wiped away the mud and he was fluffy and cleaner than I see him after most of his home baths.)
Next time we'll bring Joey. He's got a knack for this kind of thing, and he'd love this place. He's also a great leader. I can't tell you how many times when we hiked through Old Man's Cave, I simply let Joey show us which way to go around the huge rocks and boulders in front of us. You follow that dog and he'll show you the best path forward. He avoids the muck as much as possible, but knows when the muck is the best option. It's a bit uncanny, but I guess that's why they use this breed of dogs as sled dogs - he knows how to go forward, stay on task, and lead you where you want to go. And he loves doing it. He's happiest when he's taking the lead and "working" in this way.
And next time, hopefully, it will be a little more dry on land and little more wet in the lake. And maybe we'll find our way around and finally see that Indian Mound.
We spent 3 hours hiking almost non-stop. We took one 15 minute break for water, snack, and rest after a long climb, but the rest of the time, we were moving forward at a pretty rapid pace. I have no clue how much ground we covered, and I don't much care. It felt like a lot. It still feels like a lot. My body is quite sore today and swollen, I can tell. Everything is sore from my arms to my legs and my feet, the backs of my knees, my back, my neck. Shoot, even my fingers hurt! *lol* And, as a reward, Mr. Scale let me gain 6 pounds, so that's extra cool too. *lol* (My body tends to weigh heavy after a huge workout day - healing process and all that.)
But even as sore as I was, my soul finally felt good again.
This is why I've been doing this. Because the old me, even the me from a year ago who had already lost a lot of weight, would not have been able to hold out that long without taking a break. She wouldn't have pushed forward and asked for more. She would've turned around much sooner, given in to the back pain on the uphill and the heel and ankle pain on the downhill. She would have complained a lot more (I don't think I complained but 3 times and a bit of whimpering on the way down when my heel really started to notice the pain). She would have been dripping in sweat even though it was cold and constantly out of breath (as it was, the only "out of breath" parts were from the serious uphill climb).
So, yes, I have no gym to go to...and I'm a bit "lost in the woods" as it were. But I'll find my way out. Even without a crappy map to guide me.
What's my plan for the week?
I still have no friggin' clue.
But I'm going to keep in mind the resources I do have available:
* Nike Training Camp/Club app
* 30 Day Shred
* Yoga DVD
* Zumba for Kinect
* Steal the Hubs' bike
* Weight Bench at the in-laws'
* A nice, big muddy hill in my backyard to climb
* The park that has a volleyball net, basketball nets, tennis courts, and walking/hiking trails throughout
* Heavy "spring" cleaning
I get off early this week (at 4:30pm), so I should be able to have some sunlight after work...which will be a nice change of pace. I'll give the insurance company a few more days before I ask for an update, but until then, I'll try to get in at least 30 minutes every day of something, at least for 5 days this week, but shooting for the whole 7 days.
And I'm going to try to eat reasonably. Sunday I broke down and had Chinese. But I don't feel guilty, because I think I more than made up for it yesterday in the woods. ;)
Plan for the day is simple. DRINK LOTS OF WATER!! *lol* I'm parched and swollen and I know my body is trying to heal. So I'm going to flush it with tons of water and hope it rewards me for my hard work yesterday here in a couple days. Because, well, honestly...I saw 301 the morning of my hike, and it gave me a little start in my heart. Because I still want 299...and I'm still fighting for it. But I have to learn a little more patience. I think that's the lesson I was missing. Patience. It will come. It has to. I just have to wait patiently and work hard until then.
And get rid of all the negativity that's holding me back, even if it's something I'm perceiving in what isn't actually there. Flush the system, flush the mind. Start again.
It's amazing what the woods can give you just by being there and allowing you to walk through.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
See, I asked for it. All this crap about "nothing new, same old blah" and I get smacked in the face with a single 5 minute phone call.
The long and short of it?
My gym is dropping their agreement with my insurance company. I've been part of the program for almost 2 years (it will be 2 years in October) and it's a 2 year program. My time was going to be up in 8 months with them and then I would've had to start shopping around for new gyms anyhow or pay full price. Because this program gives me a 50% discount at my gym, something we REALLY need right now. Without it, I doubt I'd be able to afford the darn place without feeling extremely guilty.
So I ask, all innocent like, "So, when is this going into effect?" I thought maybe they'd give me a month to find a new place, or at least until the end of February. "Effective immediately." Well friggin' great! Thanks for the warning. My membership for the month runs out sometime in the next 3-7 days, not sure when...when it's over, I'm done.
Another problem? To stay "active" in the program, I have to check in at the gym 2 times a week. I've got 1 down for the week so far, and planned on going tonight for #2, and then again on Friday for another weigh-in. And now it's all changed. And how will this work out for me? What does this mean?
I know how to find another gym. Of course, there isn't one within 40 miles of my house, but I knew there were options where I work in the city. Well, option...it's 4 gyms connected. So I know I can just probably transfer myself over to the gym here...right!?
Well, you see, I have to get approval from the insurance company first. (Uhm, how can they deny me? They said 2 years and 2 years isn't up and it's my GYM that is opting out, not me.) Now if I could just get them on the phone...
Oh, and there's the small detail of the gym "has to decide if they're going to accept new members from the program." *bangs head on desk* Please say yes! I feel like I'm friggin' about to go out on a blind date or something. Will he like me!? *rolls eyes*
So it's time that I don't have on my side right now...but, like always, I've done everything *I* am supposed to do...just a matter of waiting for everyone else.
So, what does this mean?
I'm not sure yet...but I think it could be a good thing. Because I've decided three things:
1. I want to relocate to the gym here.
2. Even if they don't allow me to relocate, I'm signing up for this gym anyhow. (It's still cheaper than the old place's full-price.)
3. And until this gets sorted out, I'm not logging my calories and I'll exercise how *I* want to exercise and when *I* want to exercise. That's right, I'm taking a friggin' break. Because who is going to stop me? This isn't my fault. I did nothing wrong. And we all know my body needs some rest, as does my mind. Time to take the well-earned break and actually enjoy it. Because I know how to eat right and exercise. I know what I'm doing. I don't need to micromanage for just a second so I can catch my breath.
And the gym I'm transferring/relocating to?
- It has FOUR locations, not just one. All have different things, accommodate different people/schedules, etc. One's open until 10pm. They all open early (5:30am!). And I can go to any of them no matter where I sign up.
- There are TWO pools. One lap pool at a location nearby, and one 4 foot pool at another location. Know how y'all are always trying to get me to go swimming?! Here's my chance! (I was never resistant...I love swimming, I just didn't have an outlet for it.)
- They have spinning class at a time when I could squeeze it in before work (6am). It would be an adjustment for sure (leaving the house at 5am instead of 7am) but I can make it work, I know it.
- They have other classes too like bootcamp, and 30 minute quick workouts at lunch time. And while Turbo Kick isn't on the schedule right now, I think they might have it some times because it is listed on their website.
- There is one location ACROSS THE STREET from where I work. Like a 1-2 minute walk, tops. So I could squeeze in at least 20-25 minutes at lunch if I want my evenings free.
- They have actual trainers there (I think). Something my gym didn't have, so I can get some real help for a change! (I know they said they have people who will supervise your workouts...)
- They have a massage therapist on staff, so when my back goes out of whack or I just feel overworked and overstressed, maybe I can try to reward my tough workouts with a 30-minute massage (it's not free, but $40 for 30 minutes sounds like something I could swing every once in a while if I'm smart..and I am).
So, yes, I do think this is a good thing. I know the downtime may suck because I get impatient when I have to wait on other people to do their job so I can get my life where I need it, but I think a week or two off might be good too. (But I'm not likely to wait more than about 2 weeks for this to happen before I take it upon myself to just sign up as a regular member and get back on my way again.)
How's that for something to update?
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
I haven't updated in a while because, well, once again, there's nothing much to update you on. My weight is fluctuating like always. This Sunday I was about 2 pounds up from where I started February. Hubs is already telling me to just go ahead and call February a wash and restart again in March, but I'm so sick of restarting...especially when I never stopped to begin with. I'm starting to get that nagging, "Maybe I'm meant to be fat" thought in my head again, and it's bugging the crap out of me. I'm watching people all around me have success and I swear I'm fighting my damndest to be my own success story, but ...well...nothing is working.
Have I been on target the whole time? Hell no. Stress, I'm sure, is a major factor in this. I have two clients at work that are majorly pissed and are taking out all their agression on me on a daily basis, and work is starting to feel a lot like trying to lose weight lately - I work hard, and then get nothing out of it and get people telling me I'm not working hard enough, or at all. Not to mention that things at home haven't been so great lately with bills piling up and my husband's request for extension of his unemployment benefits being denied, and his silly part-time minimum wage job not making up for what we need to cover basic expenses, making it nearly impossible to eat right because I have to buy according to what I can get for free or cheap, not what fits into my diet. All in all, I'm stressed out beyond belief and as much as I tell myself to stop stressing, it's just not possible. These things have to be dealt with because they won't just go away. And it seems no matter how hard I fight against the coming headwind, I'm not getting anywhere...every single step I gain I lose again when I'm blown backwards. It's exhausting and I'm tired and I honestly don't know why I'm even trying anymore.
I have been working out as much as I can...which isn't much because my foot hurts like an SOB and, no, I'm not going to the doctor just so they can send me over to the hospital for x-rays just so they can tell me to "rest it" and "stretch" and then charge me another $100 I just don't have. I know what the problem is, and I'm doing my best to manage it, but it's becoming almost impossible. I ordered my foot brace and hope it will be here around this time next week. Hopefully that will help, because "resting" and "stretching" just aren't cutting it.
I hate that I can't run.
Honest to God truth. I had that brief wonderful, joyous period of running and I worked my way up to 5 whole miles running non-stop, something everyone in my life, I could tell, didn't think was possible. I was slow, but I was running, and I loved it. I hated it, but I loved it more. And now all I get is a brief little jog (less than 2 minutes) every now and again, which just leaves me in pain and makes my heart hurt from missing it so much. Running and walking both are difficult now, so that makes even the thought of races, which used to fuel me so much to keep going, make me want to pull out all my hair, pound my fists into my face, and then curl up into the corner of my room and cry until I'm too tired to think about it anymore.
I love working out.
Honest to God truth. When I work out, I feel strong, and then everything else falls into place. Food becomes more about fueling the next workout, and less about trying to find the comfort I can't find anywhere else. But working out now is almost impossible. Okay, no, that's not true. I can still do it. And I do. I wince through my workouts and hold back the tears because what I can give is about 50% or less of what I used to be able to give. And I grunt through it anyway and enjoy the rush of actually trying, and then the next day I'm literally crying out in pain because no matter what I do, it doesn't matter, it's going to hurt. And not the good hurt. I miss the good hurt. I actually still get it sometimes. Today my thighs are sore, my glutes are twinging, my arms feel heavy as hell because my biceps are repairing themselves, and my abs remind me everytime I move that I had a "good" workout on Monday. But all of that is overshadowed by the fact that my foot hurts so much that last night I didn't even want to get off the couch and crashed in full clothes, makeup, teeth unbrushed, with my contacts in, all because I knew getting up meant pain...lots of pain...and the thought of walking back to my bedroom made me curl into a ball and just succumb to the tired that went all the way down to my bones right there and then. (My 12 year old actually put a blanket over me before he headed off to bed himself.)
And what am I getting for my efforts?
I cannot get past 302 no matter what I do.
And I'm constantly terrified through each workout that I'm going to make a wrong move, overstress it, pull out the disc in my back again, cause some other injury or, my biggest fear, that the plantar faciitis is going to be aggrevated so much that I cause a stress fracture in my foot.
And above that fear is the embarrasment of going back to being a limping, unable to walk fat girl again, after all this work, after everything I've given it for the past almost 2 years. I've ended up the same place I was 2 years ago - unable to do much of anything because of my ailing body...this time from no fault of my own.
I followed all the guidelines for "avoiding injuries" and, still, here I am. Injured. And frustrated as hell.
And what do I do when I can't exercise?
Oh, you guessed it...I try to find comfort elsewhere...my old friend food.
So I do good for a few days, or I get through most of the day with a stellar eating performance, and then it all falls apart at workout time when I realize how utterly useless I am to myself now.
Is this it?
Am I done?
The worse part? It feels like I've done nothing. I feel like a big, fat failure.
All the memories of a girl losing over 100 pounds are gone. All overshadowed by the fact that I still have another 100 to lose and no matter what I do I cannot seem to get them gone. Not one single pound. They find me again. No matter what I do, they keep finding me. I think I've left them at the gym, but they find me later, and they taunt me and mock me and make me feel like the failure that people see in me now. Everytime they ask me, "So how much MORE have you lost?" and I want to cry my eyes out as I tell them "NONE!" and I can see in their face the disappointment in me, because I see it mirrored back to me, because that's how disappointed I am in myself. There's no light at the end of the tunnel for me right now. I'm just feeling my way around blindly and, apparently, walking in circles...well, limping in circles.
And I no longer have any clue why I'm doing this anymore.
"You're doing it to get healthy!" Uhm, I'm already "healthy" by most doctor's standards other than weight. I have an athletic heart. I can run up to 5 miles when I finally can run (though I know that's null and void now and when I do get that back I'll have to start at mile 1 again). I've got energy for days, sure...and nowhere to put it. I'm healthy in those standards. My insides are healthy as hell. So what the hell am I doing now? Because the only other "healthy" I'd be shooting for would be losing some G.D. weight and I can't seem to manage that. Not. At. All.
"You're doing it for..."
What? My kids? They love me how I am.
My husband? Again, above or I'd leave his ass.
Myself? I'm currently pissed at myself and feel like a failure, so doing it for myself is not exactly working.
I also can't be doing it for smaller clothes because I've been losing inches and yet it is so friggin' slow that I'll be lucky if I get into a smaller size by the end of the year...because, remember, working out friggin' HURTS like a SOB.
I can't be doing it for my zipline anymore, because the fluggin' scale won't even give me 299, let alone 289. All pipe dreams.
I'm sick and tired of coming here and telling you "Nothing new to report. Still hurt. Still trying. It still isn't working." Yippee-friggin'-yea, right?! Woot woot and all that stupid jazz. Click the X at the top and go read about an actual success story, not my sorry ass that has 100 pounds more to lose and can't even get FIVE gone.
I hate this.
I hate it so much it hurts my insides.
And I'm sick and tired of seeing people post shiz like "I've lost 150 pounds in a year!" when I can't get past this friggin' marker that's been staring me down for at least 6 months. Can't do it. Don't have the heart anymore to tell myself, "Don't judge yourself by what others do" because that isn't working. What others are doing is working for them. Whatever I do, their way, my way, Spark's way, MFP's way...it doesn't work. I'm not getting anywhere. I'm spinning my wheels and I'm having a miserable time doing it.
There are no PRs in my future.
No smaller pant/clothes sizes.
No smaller numbers on the scale.
No NSVs that I can even imagine.
I'm standing still while everyone is moving, having super highs and lows and still coming out on top all around me.
I'm still standing still.
I'm working hard, I'm fighting the wind, and I'm getting NOWHERE.
I could scream it's not fair, but life never has been.
I'm just pissed off and tired and unsure why I even try anymore.
And yet, glutton for punishment that I am, I will keep trying.
I'll keep stressing myself out over it.
I'll keep doing workouts even though they hurt.
I'll keep resting and never healing.
And I'll just keep waiting and wishing and hoping that one day the wind will stop and I'll get my chance to move forward.
Monday, February 06, 2012
New Calorie Goals:
Not happy. Had a horrible weekend. Binged. Hated myself for it. Gained 6+ pounds in one day. Can't lose a pound in a week, but I sure as hell can gain 6 in one day. Awesome. Serious doubts about ever reaching goal...any goal...ever again.
Don't need cheering up. No use. Pissed off. Still trying. Not sure why. Hate every single day.
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