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CALLIKIA's Recent Blog Entries
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Wednesday, February 15, 2012
See, I asked for it. All this crap about "nothing new, same old blah" and I get smacked in the face with a single 5 minute phone call.
The long and short of it?
My gym is dropping their agreement with my insurance company. I've been part of the program for almost 2 years (it will be 2 years in October) and it's a 2 year program. My time was going to be up in 8 months with them and then I would've had to start shopping around for new gyms anyhow or pay full price. Because this program gives me a 50% discount at my gym, something we REALLY need right now. Without it, I doubt I'd be able to afford the darn place without feeling extremely guilty.
So I ask, all innocent like, "So, when is this going into effect?" I thought maybe they'd give me a month to find a new place, or at least until the end of February. "Effective immediately." Well friggin' great! Thanks for the warning. My membership for the month runs out sometime in the next 3-7 days, not sure when...when it's over, I'm done.
Another problem? To stay "active" in the program, I have to check in at the gym 2 times a week. I've got 1 down for the week so far, and planned on going tonight for #2, and then again on Friday for another weigh-in. And now it's all changed. And how will this work out for me? What does this mean?
I know how to find another gym. Of course, there isn't one within 40 miles of my house, but I knew there were options where I work in the city. Well, option...it's 4 gyms connected. So I know I can just probably transfer myself over to the gym here...right!?
Well, you see, I have to get approval from the insurance company first. (Uhm, how can they deny me? They said 2 years and 2 years isn't up and it's my GYM that is opting out, not me.) Now if I could just get them on the phone...
Oh, and there's the small detail of the gym "has to decide if they're going to accept new members from the program." *bangs head on desk* Please say yes! I feel like I'm friggin' about to go out on a blind date or something. Will he like me!? *rolls eyes*
So it's time that I don't have on my side right now...but, like always, I've done everything *I* am supposed to do...just a matter of waiting for everyone else.
So, what does this mean?
I'm not sure yet...but I think it could be a good thing. Because I've decided three things:
1. I want to relocate to the gym here.
2. Even if they don't allow me to relocate, I'm signing up for this gym anyhow. (It's still cheaper than the old place's full-price.)
3. And until this gets sorted out, I'm not logging my calories and I'll exercise how *I* want to exercise and when *I* want to exercise. That's right, I'm taking a friggin' break. Because who is going to stop me? This isn't my fault. I did nothing wrong. And we all know my body needs some rest, as does my mind. Time to take the well-earned break and actually enjoy it. Because I know how to eat right and exercise. I know what I'm doing. I don't need to micromanage for just a second so I can catch my breath.
And the gym I'm transferring/relocating to?
- It has FOUR locations, not just one. All have different things, accommodate different people/schedules, etc. One's open until 10pm. They all open early (5:30am!). And I can go to any of them no matter where I sign up.
- There are TWO pools. One lap pool at a location nearby, and one 4 foot pool at another location. Know how y'all are always trying to get me to go swimming?! Here's my chance! (I was never resistant...I love swimming, I just didn't have an outlet for it.)
- They have spinning class at a time when I could squeeze it in before work (6am). It would be an adjustment for sure (leaving the house at 5am instead of 7am) but I can make it work, I know it.
- They have other classes too like bootcamp, and 30 minute quick workouts at lunch time. And while Turbo Kick isn't on the schedule right now, I think they might have it some times because it is listed on their website.
- There is one location ACROSS THE STREET from where I work. Like a 1-2 minute walk, tops. So I could squeeze in at least 20-25 minutes at lunch if I want my evenings free.
- They have actual trainers there (I think). Something my gym didn't have, so I can get some real help for a change! (I know they said they have people who will supervise your workouts...)
- They have a massage therapist on staff, so when my back goes out of whack or I just feel overworked and overstressed, maybe I can try to reward my tough workouts with a 30-minute massage (it's not free, but $40 for 30 minutes sounds like something I could swing every once in a while if I'm smart..and I am).
So, yes, I do think this is a good thing. I know the downtime may suck because I get impatient when I have to wait on other people to do their job so I can get my life where I need it, but I think a week or two off might be good too. (But I'm not likely to wait more than about 2 weeks for this to happen before I take it upon myself to just sign up as a regular member and get back on my way again.)
How's that for something to update?


Wednesday, February 15, 2012
I haven't updated in a while because, well, once again, there's nothing much to update you on. My weight is fluctuating like always. This Sunday I was about 2 pounds up from where I started February. Hubs is already telling me to just go ahead and call February a wash and restart again in March, but I'm so sick of restarting...especially when I never stopped to begin with. I'm starting to get that nagging, "Maybe I'm meant to be fat" thought in my head again, and it's bugging the crap out of me. I'm watching people all around me have success and I swear I'm fighting my damndest to be my own success story, but ...well...nothing is working.
Have I been on target the whole time? Hell no. Stress, I'm sure, is a major factor in this. I have two clients at work that are majorly pissed and are taking out all their agression on me on a daily basis, and work is starting to feel a lot like trying to lose weight lately - I work hard, and then get nothing out of it and get people telling me I'm not working hard enough, or at all. Not to mention that things at home haven't been so great lately with bills piling up and my husband's request for extension of his unemployment benefits being denied, and his silly part-time minimum wage job not making up for what we need to cover basic expenses, making it nearly impossible to eat right because I have to buy according to what I can get for free or cheap, not what fits into my diet. All in all, I'm stressed out beyond belief and as much as I tell myself to stop stressing, it's just not possible. These things have to be dealt with because they won't just go away. And it seems no matter how hard I fight against the coming headwind, I'm not getting anywhere...every single step I gain I lose again when I'm blown backwards. It's exhausting and I'm tired and I honestly don't know why I'm even trying anymore.
I have been working out as much as I can...which isn't much because my foot hurts like an SOB and, no, I'm not going to the doctor just so they can send me over to the hospital for x-rays just so they can tell me to "rest it" and "stretch" and then charge me another $100 I just don't have. I know what the problem is, and I'm doing my best to manage it, but it's becoming almost impossible. I ordered my foot brace and hope it will be here around this time next week. Hopefully that will help, because "resting" and "stretching" just aren't cutting it.
I hate that I can't run.
Honest to God truth. I had that brief wonderful, joyous period of running and I worked my way up to 5 whole miles running non-stop, something everyone in my life, I could tell, didn't think was possible. I was slow, but I was running, and I loved it. I hated it, but I loved it more. And now all I get is a brief little jog (less than 2 minutes) every now and again, which just leaves me in pain and makes my heart hurt from missing it so much. Running and walking both are difficult now, so that makes even the thought of races, which used to fuel me so much to keep going, make me want to pull out all my hair, pound my fists into my face, and then curl up into the corner of my room and cry until I'm too tired to think about it anymore.
I love working out.
Honest to God truth. When I work out, I feel strong, and then everything else falls into place. Food becomes more about fueling the next workout, and less about trying to find the comfort I can't find anywhere else. But working out now is almost impossible. Okay, no, that's not true. I can still do it. And I do. I wince through my workouts and hold back the tears because what I can give is about 50% or less of what I used to be able to give. And I grunt through it anyway and enjoy the rush of actually trying, and then the next day I'm literally crying out in pain because no matter what I do, it doesn't matter, it's going to hurt. And not the good hurt. I miss the good hurt. I actually still get it sometimes. Today my thighs are sore, my glutes are twinging, my arms feel heavy as hell because my biceps are repairing themselves, and my abs remind me everytime I move that I had a "good" workout on Monday. But all of that is overshadowed by the fact that my foot hurts so much that last night I didn't even want to get off the couch and crashed in full clothes, makeup, teeth unbrushed, with my contacts in, all because I knew getting up meant pain...lots of pain...and the thought of walking back to my bedroom made me curl into a ball and just succumb to the tired that went all the way down to my bones right there and then. (My 12 year old actually put a blanket over me before he headed off to bed himself.)
And what am I getting for my efforts?
Failure.
Frustration.
I cannot get past 302 no matter what I do.
And I'm constantly terrified through each workout that I'm going to make a wrong move, overstress it, pull out the disc in my back again, cause some other injury or, my biggest fear, that the plantar faciitis is going to be aggrevated so much that I cause a stress fracture in my foot.
And above that fear is the embarrasment of going back to being a limping, unable to walk fat girl again, after all this work, after everything I've given it for the past almost 2 years. I've ended up the same place I was 2 years ago - unable to do much of anything because of my ailing body...this time from no fault of my own.
I followed all the guidelines for "avoiding injuries" and, still, here I am. Injured. And frustrated as hell.
And what do I do when I can't exercise?
Oh, you guessed it...I try to find comfort elsewhere...my old friend food.
So I do good for a few days, or I get through most of the day with a stellar eating performance, and then it all falls apart at workout time when I realize how utterly useless I am to myself now.
Is this it?
Am I done?
Seriously!?
The worse part? It feels like I've done nothing. I feel like a big, fat failure.
All the memories of a girl losing over 100 pounds are gone. All overshadowed by the fact that I still have another 100 to lose and no matter what I do I cannot seem to get them gone. Not one single pound. They find me again. No matter what I do, they keep finding me. I think I've left them at the gym, but they find me later, and they taunt me and mock me and make me feel like the failure that people see in me now. Everytime they ask me, "So how much MORE have you lost?" and I want to cry my eyes out as I tell them "NONE!" and I can see in their face the disappointment in me, because I see it mirrored back to me, because that's how disappointed I am in myself. There's no light at the end of the tunnel for me right now. I'm just feeling my way around blindly and, apparently, walking in circles...well, limping in circles.
And I no longer have any clue why I'm doing this anymore.
"You're doing it to get healthy!" Uhm, I'm already "healthy" by most doctor's standards other than weight. I have an athletic heart. I can run up to 5 miles when I finally can run (though I know that's null and void now and when I do get that back I'll have to start at mile 1 again). I've got energy for days, sure...and nowhere to put it. I'm healthy in those standards. My insides are healthy as hell. So what the hell am I doing now? Because the only other "healthy" I'd be shooting for would be losing some G.D. weight and I can't seem to manage that. Not. At. All.
"You're doing it for..."
What? My kids? They love me how I am.
My husband? Again, above or I'd leave his ass.
Myself? I'm currently pissed at myself and feel like a failure, so doing it for myself is not exactly working.
I also can't be doing it for smaller clothes because I've been losing inches and yet it is so friggin' slow that I'll be lucky if I get into a smaller size by the end of the year...because, remember, working out friggin' HURTS like a SOB.
I can't be doing it for my zipline anymore, because the fluggin' scale won't even give me 299, let alone 289. All pipe dreams.
I'm sick and tired of coming here and telling you "Nothing new to report. Still hurt. Still trying. It still isn't working." Yippee-friggin'-yea, right?! Woot woot and all that stupid jazz. Click the X at the top and go read about an actual success story, not my sorry ass that has 100 pounds more to lose and can't even get FIVE gone.
I hate this.
I hate it so much it hurts my insides.
And I'm sick and tired of seeing people post shiz like "I've lost 150 pounds in a year!" when I can't get past this friggin' marker that's been staring me down for at least 6 months. Can't do it. Don't have the heart anymore to tell myself, "Don't judge yourself by what others do" because that isn't working. What others are doing is working for them. Whatever I do, their way, my way, Spark's way, MFP's way...it doesn't work. I'm not getting anywhere. I'm spinning my wheels and I'm having a miserable time doing it.
There are no PRs in my future.
No smaller pant/clothes sizes.
No smaller numbers on the scale.
No NSVs that I can even imagine.
I'm standing still while everyone is moving, having super highs and lows and still coming out on top all around me.
I'm still standing still.
I'm working hard, I'm fighting the wind, and I'm getting NOWHERE.
I could scream it's not fair, but life never has been.
I'm just pissed off and tired and unsure why I even try anymore.
And yet, glutton for punishment that I am, I will keep trying.
I'll keep stressing myself out over it.
I'll keep doing workouts even though they hurt.
I'll keep resting and never healing.
And I'll just keep waiting and wishing and hoping that one day the wind will stop and I'll get my chance to move forward.
Until then...

Monday, February 06, 2012
New Hair:
New Weight:
308.8
New Calorie Goals:
1642
Not happy. Had a horrible weekend. Binged. Hated myself for it. Gained 6+ pounds in one day. Can't lose a pound in a week, but I sure as hell can gain 6 in one day. Awesome. Serious doubts about ever reaching goal...any goal...ever again.
Don't need cheering up. No use. Pissed off. Still trying. Not sure why. Hate every single day.

Wednesday, February 01, 2012
Official Weight for January 1st: 306.4
Official Weight for February 1st: 302.6
Total Loss in January of: -3.8 pounds
Now, I should probably confess and say that this number pissed me off this morning because somehow being "good" the past two days has lead to a .6 pound weight gain, but I know better...I know it will come back down if I'm consistent. I'm sore today, and a little swollen. And it's only .2 pounds from my goal of losing 4 pounds in January. I will choose to be happy with this...especially considering the following...
Official measurements:
January 1st - February 1st = loss/gain
Neck - 14.5 - 14.5 = 0
Upper Arm - 14 - 13.5 = -.5 inch (x2)
Bust - 46.5 - 45 = -1.5 inches
Under Breasts - 42 - 41.5 = -.5 inch
Waist - 45 - 44.5 = -.5 inch
Hips - 55 - 54 = -1 inch
Thigh - 24.5 - 23.5 = -1 inch (x2)
Calf - 20.25 - 20 = -.25 inch (x2)
Total inches lost in January = -7 inches!
I think that's pretty darn good for one month...and we're moving in the right direction again!
Last Workout of January = 33 mins on the elliptical machine on Weight Loss program
First Workout scheduled for February = 15min NTC focused workout (thinking a special bonus celeb workout or a core workout)
Workouts Completed in January: 14/22
Just shy of my first reward...I may still give it to myself (a haircut) because 1) Hubs is offering to pay and 2) I had no idea I'd be dealing with yet another injury, and I still held on. I think that deserves some credit!
Workout Goal for February: 15
Best Week of January: Week 1
I was really on. Then my fire started fading after a trip with a friend brought back all those old frustrations along with another injury. Still, I fought my way through it and came out the other end. Hoping to remember that this month and really have a few good weeks.
Pics from January 2012
My Chicken Pot Pie vs. The Greenbrier's Chicken Pot Pie
(Mine was better.) :D
Vegan Chocolate Birthday Cake - NOM!
Two pictures of me at The Greenbrier. One is dressed up ready for a fancy dinner out. The second was taken just after we spent an hour at a tennis clinic and then I spent 7.5 minutes on a spinning bike. *lol* (Those bikes are vicious! In a good way...)
With my other KGB.
On "date night" with Hubs (he hates when I take pics of us out and then immediately post them to FB *lol*). And with the new puppy, Champ.
My new workout shirt. Going to be fun when I start feeling it get too big (as the old one actually tries to fall down my shoulders when I workout).
My January 2012 sticker calendar. I wanted to see more stickers, but I'll take what I was able to give. I didn't give up, I didn't take full weeks off. I had some rough spots in there and was still able to eek out an almost goal weigh in and some great measurement numbers. That gives me hope.
Quotes to sum up January 2012:
“Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.”
- From Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert (not sure if this is from the book or the movie but I remember her talking about ruins in the movie and I thought it was beautiful...about how you have to tear yourself down in order to build yourself anew.)
and
"The secret of this kind of climbing," said Japhy, "is like Zen. Don't think. Just dance along. It's the easiest thing in the world, actually easier than walking on flat ground which is monotonous. The cute little problems present themselves at each step and yet you never hesitate and you find yourself on some other boulder you picked out for no special reason at all, just like Zen." Which it was.
- The Dharma Bums by Jack Kerouac
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
February Goals
298 pounds
* Calorie Ranges:
Most days = 1900-2200 calories
High Calorie Days (1x/wk) = 2500-3000 calories
Low Calorie Days (1x/wk) = 1600-1800 calories
* No eating out more than 2x per week. (revisiting this, as I failed miserably at it last month)
* Make homecooked, healthy meals.
* Up the vegetable intake a bit. Try to get 5 fruits and veggies every day.
* Watch the sodium.
* Up the potassium where possible.
* Take supplements to help with the healing process.
Fitness Goals
* Work out 3 times per week.
* Add in some ST at least 2 of those days.
* Yoga at least 1 time per week. Does not count toward previous goals but can be done on the same day as another workout.
* When you can't Zumba - Bike/Row/Step
* When you can't run - Elliptical
* Use your NTC app to your advantage because you KNOW it works!
(See calendar of scheduled workouts for each day on previous blog.)
Other Goals:
* Drink no less than 10 glasses of water per day.
* Take supplements (yes, I'm listing it twice - must remember. I did well in January, but I skipped a few days).
* Stretch out your foot at least twice a day.
* Stretch a LOT all the parts you always have trouble with - hips/pelvis/knees/feet/back.
Quotes for February:
"If you are going to be a champion, you must be willing to pay a higher price."
- Bud Wilkinson
and
"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do."
- John Wooden
Happy February! ;)


Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Guess what's coming up? Yep, you guessed it - Wednesday! *snort* Naw, another brand new shiny month on the calendar. Time to forgive and forget past mistakes and move on to new and better things. Usually I'm scribbling furiously trying to make up my new plan for the month, but this has been rather difficult because I have no clue where my progress on my foot injury will be by then. But, let's face it, I've dealt with injury before. I'm sorta becoming boss at dealing with injuries. Not exactly what I had in mind as something I wanted to be good at, but I might as well get used to it.
Yesterday I read this in The Dharma Bums by Jack Kerouac:
"The secret of this kind of climbing," said Japhy, "is like Zen. Don't think. Just dance along. It's the easiest thing in the world, actually easier than walking on flat ground which is monotonous. The cute little problems present themselves at each step and yet you never hesitate and you find yourself on some other boulder you picked out for no special reason at all, just like Zen." Which it was.
It struck me as I read it because it almost honors the struggle of the climb, of the rocks that get in your way. "Easier than walking on flat ground which is monotonous." And what struck me most is that THIS is how I should be dealing with this. Let the frustration subside. Treat this as some sort of blessing. Don't think, just dance from one problem to the next, constantly changing direction and shape and form and becoming one with the problems that I face so that I can move past them. Treat it like a state of Zen. A meditation on myself. Use it to get better acquainted with myself, my body, and therefore tap into my own wisdom and find some sort of enlightenment in the journey.
This can be a blessing, not a curse.
This can be my chance to prove to myself my worth, my determination.
If you're willing to give up your dreams just because it gets hard, then your dreams weren't strong enough to begin with - you didn't really want them.
I really want this. I want it more than I want to breathe fresh air each day.
And so I will continue.
And I will learn from this that not only do I have the strength to lift my weight on the leg press machine, but I have the inner strength to fight through tribulations and overcome.
Because my dream is that important to me.
Too important to give up.
Time to learn the dance.
There's also something beautiful to me about this being a leap year. I have 29 days this year in February to make things right, turn things around. I've received the blessing of an extra day - an extra opportunity to prove to myself that I want this and I will do what it takes to go after it.
I am THIS close to Deuceland. The 200s. The holy grail of my weight loss for the past 8 years. THIS close. And I'll be damned if I let anything or anyone get in my way.
So I'm setting up a plan of attack. This plan doesn't look as amazing as my past plans have to me...but achieving these goals, simple as they may sound, will allow me to reach a milestone I always dreamt of, but never thought I'd actually reach.
The plan is thus:
Calorie range: 1900-2200 calories per day
High Calorie Days: 2500-3000 calories
Low Calorie Days: 1600-1800 calories
I will allow one of each - HCD and LCD - per week. Let's face it, no one want to eat the same thing every single day. My body tells me all the time that there are days it just doesn't need that much food. And other days I'm ravenous with hunger. That's just how my body works. On one day, off another. It stays pretty consistent, but during these extreme highs and lows, I have to fight my own body just to do what Spark or MFP tell me to do. I'm sorry, but that doesn't seem right. A computerized program can not know more about me than my own body does.
Possible HCD (unless I'm just not feeling it): 2nd, 5th or 7th, 14th, 19th, 26th
Exercise Goals:
* Work out 3 times per week. Try to add in some ST at least 2 of those days.
* Yoga at least 1 time per week. Does not count toward previous goal but can be done on the same day as another workout.
* Stretch foot at least 2 times per day. (I've been doing the spelling the alphabet thing as well as calf raises/dips. I've also noticed some exercises - rowing and stairstepper - stretch out my foot as well, so I'm going to try to incorporate those as well.)
I've set my workouts for the entire month, but I am giving myself full freedom and option to change them as needed in order to work around the injury. It's all about the dance. Don't think, just dance over and around the problems and find another path.
(Wed) 1st - NTC 15min focused workout
(Thur) 2nd - Yoga 15mins
(Fri) 3rd - NTC 45min intense toned workout
(Sat) 4th - Walk or Play 35mins
(Sun) 5th - Yoga 15mins
(Mon) 6th - NTC 30min get lean workout
(Tue) 7th - Elliptical 20min
(Wed) 8th - NTC 15 min focused workout
(Thur) 9th - Bike/Row/Step Circuit 30min
(Fri) 10th - NTC 45min intense toned workout
(Sat) 11th - Walk or Play 35mins
(Sun) 12th - Yoga 15mins
(Mon) 13th - NTC 30min get lean workout
(Tue) 14th - Elliptical 20mins
(Wed) 15th - NTC 15min focused workout
(Thur) 16th - Bike/Row/Step Circuit 30min
(Fri) 17th - NTC 45min intense toned workout
(Sat) 18th - Walk or Play 35mins
(Sun) 19th - Yoga 15min
(Mon) 20th - NTC 30min get lean workout
(Tue) 21st - Elliptical 20min
(Wed) 22nd - NTC 15min focused workout
(Thur) 23rd - Yoga 15min
(Fri) 24th - NTC 30min toned workout
(Sat) 25th - Clean/Organize Day 60min
(Sun) 26th - Yoga 15min
(Mon) 27th - NTC get lean workout
(Tue) 28th - Elliptical 20min
(Wed) 29th - NTC 45min intense get toned workout
What I've done -
- I traded in my Zumba for the Bike/Row/Step circuit. Until I can jump and step and glide with ease, Zumba is useless to me.
- I traded in running for the elliptical. Not a fave, but I can do it.
- I've upped the NTC workouts because I KNOW they work. Hoping I can do these with the foot problems, but I haven't tried yet. We shall see. I may have to skip certain things and improvise, but I think I can make it work.
- I've given myself Sundays as Yoga days. I think it's important to keep one day as a sort of "rest" day, but I need to have this rest day work for me, so stretching is super low impact, I won't hardly burn enough calories for it to even count as exercise (80 maybe), but it will do wonders for my injuries.
Again, it is not necessary for me to complete every single workout. I want 3 per week. That's 15 for the month. If I can do that, I will reward myself with something...I don't know what yet. Maybe that haircut/style/color I missed this month.
Important Dates:
2nd - 10 Year Anniversary
7th & 8th - Out of Town on-site
14th - Valentine's Day
20th - Holiday (President's Day)
29th - Leap Day
Not that we're going to do anything for our anniversary or Valentine's Day. Things haven't been going well at home. I'm stressed, he's stressed, and we're taking it out on each other. I asked him to plan something special - pointed him to a bunch of options to get him started - but he had a sort of all or nothing attitude about it. Since we can't afford what he really wanted to do, he's decided that doing nothing is the best option. I just want to remind myself that whether this is a day of celebration or a day of drinking myself stupid or eating my feelings, these two days could be trigger days for me. I need to be aware.
As far as the on-site is concerned. It means I'll be out of town, so I need to know that those 2 days will be high sodium days. Can't be helped. I usually tend to do pretty well on "vacation" so I think I should be alright. I made sure to book a room with a good fitness center (I think they might also have a pool...have to check) and I always want to go there to fill my downtime otherwise I start missing my boys and I get all sappy and crap, and I hate that. So I tend to do a few things on "vacation" or when I'm out of town without them - 1) workout, 2) shave my legs (*lol*), 3) paint my nails, and 4) go to bed early. *lol*
Oh, and I'm just noting President's Day because that holiday will throw off my schedule for the week (which doesn't matter as much now that I'm not doing Zumba anyhow), and I'll have a whole other day at home in which to "get into trouble" if I'm not careful.
Other Goals:
* Drink at least 10 glasses of water per day.
* Take my supplements.
There's the rough outline for now. May throw in a few more things before tomorrow.
Plan tonight -
Go to the gym. Do something for at least 20 minutes! I promised my girls 3 workouts this week, and one round of yoga too. Gotta see it through!
What are your plans for next month? Have you had to make adjustments due to injuries or things in life popping up? How do you handle the rocks in the road?

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