CALLIKIA   23,809
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How's That for Something to Update?!

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

See, I asked for it. All this crap about "nothing new, same old blah" and I get smacked in the face with a single 5 minute phone call.

The long and short of it?

My gym is dropping their agreement with my insurance company. I've been part of the program for almost 2 years (it will be 2 years in October) and it's a 2 year program. My time was going to be up in 8 months with them and then I would've had to start shopping around for new gyms anyhow or pay full price. Because this program gives me a 50% discount at my gym, something we REALLY need right now. Without it, I doubt I'd be able to afford the darn place without feeling extremely guilty.

So I ask, all innocent like, "So, when is this going into effect?" I thought maybe they'd give me a month to find a new place, or at least until the end of February. "Effective immediately." Well friggin' great! Thanks for the warning. My membership for the month runs out sometime in the next 3-7 days, not sure when...when it's over, I'm done.

Another problem? To stay "active" in the program, I have to check in at the gym 2 times a week. I've got 1 down for the week so far, and planned on going tonight for #2, and then again on Friday for another weigh-in. And now it's all changed. And how will this work out for me? What does this mean?

I know how to find another gym. Of course, there isn't one within 40 miles of my house, but I knew there were options where I work in the city. Well,'s 4 gyms connected. So I know I can just probably transfer myself over to the gym here...right!?

Well, you see, I have to get approval from the insurance company first. (Uhm, how can they deny me? They said 2 years and 2 years isn't up and it's my GYM that is opting out, not me.) Now if I could just get them on the phone...

Oh, and there's the small detail of the gym "has to decide if they're going to accept new members from the program." *bangs head on desk* Please say yes! I feel like I'm friggin' about to go out on a blind date or something. Will he like me!? *rolls eyes*

So it's time that I don't have on my side right now...but, like always, I've done everything *I* am supposed to do...just a matter of waiting for everyone else.

So, what does this mean?

I'm not sure yet...but I think it could be a good thing. Because I've decided three things:

1. I want to relocate to the gym here.
2. Even if they don't allow me to relocate, I'm signing up for this gym anyhow. (It's still cheaper than the old place's full-price.)
3. And until this gets sorted out, I'm not logging my calories and I'll exercise how *I* want to exercise and when *I* want to exercise. That's right, I'm taking a friggin' break. Because who is going to stop me? This isn't my fault. I did nothing wrong. And we all know my body needs some rest, as does my mind. Time to take the well-earned break and actually enjoy it. Because I know how to eat right and exercise. I know what I'm doing. I don't need to micromanage for just a second so I can catch my breath.

And the gym I'm transferring/relocating to?

- It has FOUR locations, not just one. All have different things, accommodate different people/schedules, etc. One's open until 10pm. They all open early (5:30am!). And I can go to any of them no matter where I sign up.

- There are TWO pools. One lap pool at a location nearby, and one 4 foot pool at another location. Know how y'all are always trying to get me to go swimming?! Here's my chance! (I was never resistant...I love swimming, I just didn't have an outlet for it.)

- They have spinning class at a time when I could squeeze it in before work (6am). It would be an adjustment for sure (leaving the house at 5am instead of 7am) but I can make it work, I know it.

- They have other classes too like bootcamp, and 30 minute quick workouts at lunch time. And while Turbo Kick isn't on the schedule right now, I think they might have it some times because it is listed on their website.

- There is one location ACROSS THE STREET from where I work. Like a 1-2 minute walk, tops. So I could squeeze in at least 20-25 minutes at lunch if I want my evenings free.

- They have actual trainers there (I think). Something my gym didn't have, so I can get some real help for a change! (I know they said they have people who will supervise your workouts...)

- They have a massage therapist on staff, so when my back goes out of whack or I just feel overworked and overstressed, maybe I can try to reward my tough workouts with a 30-minute massage (it's not free, but $40 for 30 minutes sounds like something I could swing every once in a while if I'm smart..and I am).

So, yes, I do think this is a good thing. I know the downtime may suck because I get impatient when I have to wait on other people to do their job so I can get my life where I need it, but I think a week or two off might be good too. (But I'm not likely to wait more than about 2 weeks for this to happen before I take it upon myself to just sign up as a regular member and get back on my way again.)

How's that for something to update?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BAYBELIEVER 2/20/2012 3:07PM

    Wow! What a tough month. And then this! I hope that in the end this all works out and you find that all the things about this new gym just make your getting your workouts in better and better! Sounds like you need a break too. Just don't make it too long a one! You need to take time to remember that you have done a great job and losing weight and getting healthy! Yeah, our bodies don't always cooperate, I sure understand that, but we have to keep at it! We can't go back!

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 2/20/2012 1:18PM

    Hope the new gym works out for you. It stinks that the other gym dropped you with no warning. emoticon

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SARAWALKS 2/18/2012 8:59PM

    sounds GREAT - maybe a blessing in disguise - go for it! emoticon

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ERIN1128 2/18/2012 3:52PM

    Sounds like lots of silver lining'll get a better gym option, and it sounds like you could use some "downtime" right now. Once you get this new thing going, you'll be raring to go!

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SARAHSSUNSHINE 2/16/2012 12:11PM

    So, your previous gym sucks as$, but I love that you can turn this into something positive. Because it sounds like this new gym is MUCH better. Also, you deserve the break. So have at it. :)

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35ANGELS 2/16/2012 12:03PM

    That sucks that your gym did that to you. Glad you have some options.

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 2/16/2012 11:29AM

    I still can't believe that your gym did that. I'm surprised that they can do that too you. It's such a shame they are doing that to you. I hope everything works out at the new gym and that the insurance people can help you out quickly.

Fingers are crossed for you,and I love new plan once you get started with spinning and swimming and lunch workouts!

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CALLA68 2/16/2012 10:50AM

    sounds like a blessing in disguise!

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KAYOTIC 2/16/2012 9:51AM

    Good luck! Hope you get this worked out soon, it sounds like a good change!

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MIQUEY73 2/15/2012 10:37PM

    Hope it all works out for you!

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ALYSSA40 2/15/2012 7:43PM

    That's an update alright. I will be praying for a positive ending to all of this and that it won't be long so you can stay on track. Good luck!

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ATROTTIER 2/15/2012 6:17PM

    The new gym sounds amazing, and it should really give you enough options to not get bored!! I'm sorry it had to happen this way but I really hope this new option works out better for you in the long run!

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    I can see how at first it might've felt like "oh crap!" but it seems like it's going to be a good thing for you! Fingers crossed it's a vat o' awesome for you!

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GETFIT2LIVE 2/15/2012 4:19PM

    Yes, the downtime will probably suck, but it also may be a very good thing. It sounds like the new place is exactly what you need right now, and having a little break in between is not a bad thing. Take care of yourself and do what YOU need to for yourself, both physically and mentally; you deserve it!

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KKINNEA 2/15/2012 4:10PM

    Way better update! It sounds like it will really work out for you! And, yay break!

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Not Sure Why Anymore...

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

I haven't updated in a while because, well, once again, there's nothing much to update you on. My weight is fluctuating like always. This Sunday I was about 2 pounds up from where I started February. Hubs is already telling me to just go ahead and call February a wash and restart again in March, but I'm so sick of restarting...especially when I never stopped to begin with. I'm starting to get that nagging, "Maybe I'm meant to be fat" thought in my head again, and it's bugging the crap out of me. I'm watching people all around me have success and I swear I'm fighting my damndest to be my own success story, but ...well...nothing is working.

Have I been on target the whole time? Hell no. Stress, I'm sure, is a major factor in this. I have two clients at work that are majorly pissed and are taking out all their agression on me on a daily basis, and work is starting to feel a lot like trying to lose weight lately - I work hard, and then get nothing out of it and get people telling me I'm not working hard enough, or at all. Not to mention that things at home haven't been so great lately with bills piling up and my husband's request for extension of his unemployment benefits being denied, and his silly part-time minimum wage job not making up for what we need to cover basic expenses, making it nearly impossible to eat right because I have to buy according to what I can get for free or cheap, not what fits into my diet. All in all, I'm stressed out beyond belief and as much as I tell myself to stop stressing, it's just not possible. These things have to be dealt with because they won't just go away. And it seems no matter how hard I fight against the coming headwind, I'm not getting anywhere...every single step I gain I lose again when I'm blown backwards. It's exhausting and I'm tired and I honestly don't know why I'm even trying anymore.

I have been working out as much as I can...which isn't much because my foot hurts like an SOB and, no, I'm not going to the doctor just so they can send me over to the hospital for x-rays just so they can tell me to "rest it" and "stretch" and then charge me another $100 I just don't have. I know what the problem is, and I'm doing my best to manage it, but it's becoming almost impossible. I ordered my foot brace and hope it will be here around this time next week. Hopefully that will help, because "resting" and "stretching" just aren't cutting it.

I hate that I can't run.
Honest to God truth. I had that brief wonderful, joyous period of running and I worked my way up to 5 whole miles running non-stop, something everyone in my life, I could tell, didn't think was possible. I was slow, but I was running, and I loved it. I hated it, but I loved it more. And now all I get is a brief little jog (less than 2 minutes) every now and again, which just leaves me in pain and makes my heart hurt from missing it so much. Running and walking both are difficult now, so that makes even the thought of races, which used to fuel me so much to keep going, make me want to pull out all my hair, pound my fists into my face, and then curl up into the corner of my room and cry until I'm too tired to think about it anymore.

I love working out.
Honest to God truth. When I work out, I feel strong, and then everything else falls into place. Food becomes more about fueling the next workout, and less about trying to find the comfort I can't find anywhere else. But working out now is almost impossible. Okay, no, that's not true. I can still do it. And I do. I wince through my workouts and hold back the tears because what I can give is about 50% or less of what I used to be able to give. And I grunt through it anyway and enjoy the rush of actually trying, and then the next day I'm literally crying out in pain because no matter what I do, it doesn't matter, it's going to hurt. And not the good hurt. I miss the good hurt. I actually still get it sometimes. Today my thighs are sore, my glutes are twinging, my arms feel heavy as hell because my biceps are repairing themselves, and my abs remind me everytime I move that I had a "good" workout on Monday. But all of that is overshadowed by the fact that my foot hurts so much that last night I didn't even want to get off the couch and crashed in full clothes, makeup, teeth unbrushed, with my contacts in, all because I knew getting up meant pain...lots of pain...and the thought of walking back to my bedroom made me curl into a ball and just succumb to the tired that went all the way down to my bones right there and then. (My 12 year old actually put a blanket over me before he headed off to bed himself.)

And what am I getting for my efforts?
I cannot get past 302 no matter what I do.
And I'm constantly terrified through each workout that I'm going to make a wrong move, overstress it, pull out the disc in my back again, cause some other injury or, my biggest fear, that the plantar faciitis is going to be aggrevated so much that I cause a stress fracture in my foot.
And above that fear is the embarrasment of going back to being a limping, unable to walk fat girl again, after all this work, after everything I've given it for the past almost 2 years. I've ended up the same place I was 2 years ago - unable to do much of anything because of my ailing body...this time from no fault of my own.

I followed all the guidelines for "avoiding injuries" and, still, here I am. Injured. And frustrated as hell.

And what do I do when I can't exercise?
Oh, you guessed it...I try to find comfort old friend food.
So I do good for a few days, or I get through most of the day with a stellar eating performance, and then it all falls apart at workout time when I realize how utterly useless I am to myself now.

Is this it?
Am I done?

The worse part? It feels like I've done nothing. I feel like a big, fat failure.
All the memories of a girl losing over 100 pounds are gone. All overshadowed by the fact that I still have another 100 to lose and no matter what I do I cannot seem to get them gone. Not one single pound. They find me again. No matter what I do, they keep finding me. I think I've left them at the gym, but they find me later, and they taunt me and mock me and make me feel like the failure that people see in me now. Everytime they ask me, "So how much MORE have you lost?" and I want to cry my eyes out as I tell them "NONE!" and I can see in their face the disappointment in me, because I see it mirrored back to me, because that's how disappointed I am in myself. There's no light at the end of the tunnel for me right now. I'm just feeling my way around blindly and, apparently, walking in circles...well, limping in circles.

And I no longer have any clue why I'm doing this anymore.

"You're doing it to get healthy!" Uhm, I'm already "healthy" by most doctor's standards other than weight. I have an athletic heart. I can run up to 5 miles when I finally can run (though I know that's null and void now and when I do get that back I'll have to start at mile 1 again). I've got energy for days, sure...and nowhere to put it. I'm healthy in those standards. My insides are healthy as hell. So what the hell am I doing now? Because the only other "healthy" I'd be shooting for would be losing some G.D. weight and I can't seem to manage that. Not. At. All.

"You're doing it for..."

What? My kids? They love me how I am.
My husband? Again, above or I'd leave his ass.
Myself? I'm currently pissed at myself and feel like a failure, so doing it for myself is not exactly working.

I also can't be doing it for smaller clothes because I've been losing inches and yet it is so friggin' slow that I'll be lucky if I get into a smaller size by the end of the year...because, remember, working out friggin' HURTS like a SOB.

I can't be doing it for my zipline anymore, because the fluggin' scale won't even give me 299, let alone 289. All pipe dreams.

I'm sick and tired of coming here and telling you "Nothing new to report. Still hurt. Still trying. It still isn't working." Yippee-friggin'-yea, right?! Woot woot and all that stupid jazz. Click the X at the top and go read about an actual success story, not my sorry ass that has 100 pounds more to lose and can't even get FIVE gone.

I hate this.
I hate it so much it hurts my insides.
And I'm sick and tired of seeing people post shiz like "I've lost 150 pounds in a year!" when I can't get past this friggin' marker that's been staring me down for at least 6 months. Can't do it. Don't have the heart anymore to tell myself, "Don't judge yourself by what others do" because that isn't working. What others are doing is working for them. Whatever I do, their way, my way, Spark's way, MFP's doesn't work. I'm not getting anywhere. I'm spinning my wheels and I'm having a miserable time doing it.

There are no PRs in my future.
No smaller pant/clothes sizes.
No smaller numbers on the scale.
No NSVs that I can even imagine.

I'm standing still while everyone is moving, having super highs and lows and still coming out on top all around me.
I'm still standing still.

I'm working hard, I'm fighting the wind, and I'm getting NOWHERE.

I could scream it's not fair, but life never has been.
I'm just pissed off and tired and unsure why I even try anymore.
And yet, glutton for punishment that I am, I will keep trying.
I'll keep stressing myself out over it.
I'll keep doing workouts even though they hurt.
I'll keep resting and never healing.
And I'll just keep waiting and wishing and hoping that one day the wind will stop and I'll get my chance to move forward.

Until then...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CALLA68 2/16/2012 10:47AM

    First of all, you're not a failure. You are able to articulate exactly how you are feeling. I totally understand your frustration-I have been losing and gaining the same 20lbs for about 5 years now. Stress sucks. Everybody's stress is different and everybody deals with it differently. It's easier to fall into a pit of despair-you just have to remember to climb back out.

You are not a failure or a glutton for punishment. You are brave-change is not easy and you have to be brave to keep striving to change. So get frustrated, get pissed, and come here and type it all out-piss and moan, shout, cry, whatever. Get it out. You are brave to admit how you feel and to share it with us. You are not alone.

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EMMANYC 2/16/2012 8:28AM

    I'm so sorry to hear you're having a tough time. I got hooked on running, too, and I'm dealing with the frustration of a long-term injury (including back trouble) that's keeping me away from that activity.

I also know that when you can't run (and want to), nothing feels the same. But - have you considered doing some strength training that will prepare you to take up running again? There are exercises you can do that won't put stress on your foot, that will help you build up body strength to help you with your running, and that will give you a bit of an endorphin boost. This is what I'm focusing on now. And I think you should be able to do a lot of them with little to no equipment (so no $ to spend). If you're interested, send me an email (or put a note on my page), and I'll send you a list.

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MAMADWARF 2/16/2012 1:26AM

    It is frustrating. I have gained and lost the same 10 pounds since July. To be truthful I am not doing all I can do. I eat too much sugar and I have had to step up my workouts which is hard sometimes be cause of bulged back discs and bad knees. I applaud you and me for still trying, for still being here and for the success that we have had. I mean, where would we be if we had never started here at spark. I shudder to think where I would have been. I do understand the way you feel and I feel that way sometimes too...

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SERENEART 2/15/2012 10:22PM

    I can so feel your frustration and your anger... I so understand that people are dropping lbs and here I sit going back and forth... I have been on here a long time......both heavier than what I am now and lighter than what I am now. I have been more active on this site and less active..

I myself have been going through some similar things...where.... I keep comparing myself from where I was to where I'm at...not the bad part...but the good part. It has been very hard for me to get back to the gym. I'm doing it just one day at a time. I know it will take time.... sometimes I hate how everything has to be so "now"..... I want to be done with being the fat girl.....and done for good.

Something that helps me.... is that sometimes I look at this journey...that I'm on a spiral staircase... yes...I may have to stop or take a step back, but if I look down... I am much farther than I was before.

You are too despite the current status.... I know you will get there.


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ALOFA0509 2/15/2012 8:56PM

    I havent been on Spark much, I try to chk out blogs, and see how people are doing.. Your one of the ppl who I visit from time to time for inspiration.. I understand the frustration, and sista you have every right to Vent.. I've been quietly following you in the bk ground cheering 4U always-- You always inspire me to keep going, yur progress may seem slow-- but you always look smaller, and more radiant every time I come to your page. For what it's worth sista, keep up the amazing work.. I think you are effin Amazing.. Cheers-

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CALLIKIA 2/15/2012 2:12PM

    OMFG I'm not depressed, I'm friggin FRUSTRATED. Can't frustrated be an emotion people just have because life gets hard? I don't want to kill myself, and I'm still doing it, so it isn't stopping me from anything, I'm just frustrated as hell.

And I can't just STOP weight loss when I'm still over 300 pounds. When doctors and regular every day common folk still look at me and see fat girl walking, when I know what I really am inside! You want me to just give up and accept that they'll never know what *I* know about myself?! Now THAT is a depressing thought for sure.

Comment edited on: 2/15/2012 2:14:08 PM

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    Hi Callikia.. (Esther). I remember you from when I started.. when you were 100 lbs heavier. I am impressed with what you have accomplished! I'm so sorry to hear that your progress has been stalled for awhile. OMG plateaus suck!!!

Have you tried really changing up your type/quanitity of exercise? Like if walking is what you mainly do, try hooping or water aerobics? Checked that your calorie range Spark gives you really matches your current weight? And also check the nutrition "reports" for daily calorie differential after entering all food and exercise for the day.. See if it's showing a loss for you and aim for -500 a day so you can get a -1 lb each week if possible.

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.DUSTY. 2/15/2012 1:31PM

    Esther, you've been going through this for a long time. Have you thought about getting some type of counseling to help with being so depressed?
Maybe it's time to stop obsessing about weight loss and get a new focus and get on with your life?

Comment edited on: 2/15/2012 1:33:01 PM

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ATROTTIER 2/15/2012 12:27PM

    Thinking of you today my friend and I hope you feel better, I really hope that foot brace will help you do the things you want and not be in pain. I've been feeling the same way and stuck at this weight and it does seem like it's harder for me compared to others and I just want to crawl into a corner and just stay fat and not have to worry about this stuff anymore too and I have my days where I feel motivated and others where I am just too tired to worry about how many calories are in something. I know we have all said it before and this is our own journey and it's what we make it but it's hard and I am tired of reading about that chick who loses 150 lbs in a year's like what did she do so differently??? Anyways, I hope your day gets better!!! emoticon

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LUNARAEWILDER 2/15/2012 11:49AM

    Hi Esther,
I really feel for you. Your blog makes me think of one I posted recently: "Say Goodbye to Fear & Shame." Those two are very powerful emotions and sometimes bombard us when they are not needed. I think I hear a lot of that in your post today.

It does appear that Sparkpeople is an almost instant panacea for some. But the reality is that its not that way for all.

You have some very legitimate reasons for setback. Setback is not the same as failure. (That would be Fear & Shame telling you that it is. Don't listen to them.)

I've had a very difficult year myself. Health issues unrelated to weight but it affected my range of motion and endurance for completing daily tasks let alone trying to be active. So it had a definite impact on my weight and overall health. I gained 40 pounds because of not being able to do as much. Then depression set in and ....well you know how it went...I think you're going through it now.

Perhaps discovering some other forms of activity can help while your body continues to mend. My recent discovery is certainly not as challenging as what I could do previously but something about it has sparked my energy again. Has made me laugh again. Has calmed me and made me ready to accept this new hill that has slowed me down.

Hula hooping. I even made my own because I didn't know where I could find an adult sized one.....and besides it was a fun project that got to involve some other members of my family. It does not require great range of motion and so I can do it. Granted I've not kept my hoop up over 20 revolutions yet but I have fun trying. Kind of woke the child inside that retired years ago. Maybe that youthful perspective is what has helped me to be a little less critical of myself and just try to enjoy the fun of doing something without the judgement of whether something great is being accomplished by my activity or not.

I'm not saying hula hoop is your answer. But don't give up. Somewhere out there you're going to find what you need to get over this hill that has stalled you.

BTW, I am going to "friend" you. Your story, despite your current trial, is an inspiration to others including me.


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CALLIKIA 2/15/2012 11:04AM

    Some people do get on here and just melt away. I've seen it with my own eyes.

And I've been stuck and injured for a year now...more than, actually. So I'm not seeing much end in sight to that either.

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SUECHRIS50 2/15/2012 10:38AM

    I just want you to know,Its friggin hard!Nobody just starts out and melts away.No,its a daily battle and trust me if you hang in there,whether it takes months or even years.You will succeed!One step,one second,one minute,one hour,one day at a time.Not one of us here on sparkpeople hasnt been where you are mentally.Do what you can until your foot feels better,and try again!!HUGS and MUCH LOVE,SUSAN

Comment edited on: 2/15/2012 10:40:20 AM

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SLFRISBEY 2/15/2012 10:22AM

    Wow, you pretty much wrote out everything I have been feeling lately! I completely feel left out even though I am doing what I am supposed to do and working out like crazy. I so desperately want to lose the weight but it feels like it's just never going to happen. I have been stuck around 220 for over a YEAR now and don't know what to do about it. My husband saw my weight in December and he got so mad at me and I haven't felt so ashamed of myself in ages. Something has GOT to give!

My newest love is Spinning and I have found alot of DIY "classes" that can be done on any upright bike with resistance. Think that could help with the foot problem? If you want to try it, I can send you some links. They even have music that goes with the exercise which I think is fun.

Hope we can both break out of this plateau. I am trying to just "trust the process" but that isn't really working anymore. (((hugs)))

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KKINNEA 2/15/2012 10:18AM

    Argh, sucks that your foot is still having so much pain! I hope the brace makes a difference although I know you'll still have the other pains to contend with too.

I'm still hanging in here with you, hoping things will come back into balance so you can continue your journey and your hard work will be rewarded.

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DARE.DIVA 2/15/2012 9:01AM

    E--I understand some of those feelings, I've struggled with plantar faciitis and feel like everytime I start feeling good I'm sidelined with injury. Like my stupid body is working against' me every step of the way. There's lots of practical advice to give...I'm sure you've heard it all (the stretching, icing,massage, rollers,etc) and I hate to say it, I've had to give up running.....but I'm still trying, trying stuff that "doesn't do it for me"...maybe someday swimming will give me that same thrill of accomplishment, but not yet. I hope you find something that reignites your passion and your inner warrior again, without the constant battle against pain and frustration. Hang in there....

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JO74555 2/15/2012 8:51AM

    i read this and i feel your pain. you may laugh at the thought that i don't have near as much weight to lose as you do, but all the mental bullying you go thru... i go thru it too. all the time, every day. my friends who still smoke and eat whatever processed food they want, don't want to hang with me because i'm trying to do good for myself. i have nobody to walk with or work out with... nobody. depression is a shiz (i also use this term... alot) to deal with and quite frankly, nobody around me wants to hear anymore about my pain and anguish, whether it be with my family or just plain, left to my own defenses, me. how i wish i could meet someone like you in person and have a workout buddy. somebody who wants to walk (btw...i hate walking and can't run half a block without my chest feeling like it wants to explode)... but i sure would walk with a buddy if i could just find one that doesn't want to grab a smoke or cheeseburger afterwards. somebody who i can trade out and out complaints and whining bouts without judgments about how much i'm complaining. and then at the end of that day's walk be able to share tears and laughter. i realize that's a tall shiz order. BUT.. thru this all, please do not give up. believe it or not, that beautiful 12 year old son who lovingly covered you up the day loves you so completely and needs you so much. even though you, or me for that matter, shouldn't rely on them for our emotional wellness, the fact is, without you, he'd be lost. so please... don't give up on you.

Comment edited on: 2/15/2012 8:55:13 AM

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    Since when do you start writing my blogs for me. Ditto. To all of it. It sucks @ss.

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Monday, February 06, 2012

New Hair:

New Weight:

New Calorie Goals:

Not happy. Had a horrible weekend. Binged. Hated myself for it. Gained 6+ pounds in one day. Can't lose a pound in a week, but I sure as hell can gain 6 in one day. Awesome. Serious doubts about ever reaching goal...any goal...ever again.

Don't need cheering up. No use. Pissed off. Still trying. Not sure why. Hate every single day.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SPEEDYDOG 2/15/2012 8:02AM

    I also shoot myself in my foot with terrible frequency. My weight bounces all over the place. I am a social eater and beer drinker. I also like chocolate an awful lot!

Yup, I get POed too. I workout, run and count every calorie, then bang! Sabotage!

For me the scale mostly trends down or stays the same. As Pogo said, "We have met the enemy, and they are us!"

Thanks, Bruce

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FITMARY 2/9/2012 8:50AM

    That's the only way my scale works too. Going up? No problem!!! Down? Not so much... So, step by step we stay in place, which is a victory of sorts. I'm newly committed to track all the food. Maybe that will help me? Good luck!
p.s. Beautiful hair, both styles!

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TGBTG1916 2/7/2012 12:28PM

  This too shall pass. Your weight does not define you. It is not who you are. Your true self can come through irrespective of a number on the scale. Sometimes food can be just the 'therapy' that will have to do and then we can pick ourselves up and move on.

You have a beautiful smile, lovely eyes, and great hair (curly and straight).

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RUSSELLORAMA 2/7/2012 11:57AM

    Nice hairs.

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BAYBELIEVER 2/7/2012 11:11AM

    So honest. I feel you. I feel for you. I have been there. I will be there again.

Hope you make it back to the brighter side, but only you can make that happen. Know, though, that we are there and are here cheering you on and doing everything we can think of to help you make it back. It sucks sometimes.

Love the hair!!

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ERIN1128 2/6/2012 3:24PM

    Well, at least you're having a good hair day, right? :-) Hang in there.

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ERIN1128 2/6/2012 3:24PM

    Well, at least you're having a good hair day, right? :-) Hang in there.

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 2/6/2012 2:29PM

    It sucks how one day can derail a whole week, month or even months of hard work. It's enough to make me want to bang my head repeatedly against a hard surface. I did the same thing this weekend.

Love the new hairs!

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JEREMY723 2/6/2012 1:52PM

    One day at a time. It's a lifelong journey, not month long so who cares what pace. You can do this Ester!

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MANLEYSANDY 2/6/2012 12:02PM

    Love the hair!!!


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KKINNEA 2/6/2012 11:30AM

    The new hair looks great! Bum deal on the weekend - I know you'll figure something out.

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ATROTTIER 2/6/2012 11:28AM

    Love the hair!

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FROGGERHKC 2/6/2012 10:54AM

    Agreed! Sometime you have to get pissed off to keep going (not that you stopped)! You got this! I love the new hair by the way! :)

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KAYOTIC 2/6/2012 10:23AM

    I'm sure you know this, but 6 pounds in one day is a water issue, perhaps sodium/hormonal/??? issue?

How about just going back to basics, and being gentle with yourself, and picking something to focus on so you can get a "win" under your belt, and start to feel confident again?

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.DUSTY. 2/6/2012 10:15AM

    emoticon Keep fighting girl!

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_DASH_ 2/6/2012 9:31AM

    "I am THIS close to Deuceland. The 200s. The holy grail of my weight loss for the past 8 years. THIS close. And I'll be damned if I let anything or anyone get in my way. " -You

Get mad. Then Get revenge.

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January Recap/February Goals

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

Official Weight for January 1st: 306.4
Official Weight for February 1st: 302.6

Total Loss in January of: -3.8 pounds

Now, I should probably confess and say that this number pissed me off this morning because somehow being "good" the past two days has lead to a .6 pound weight gain, but I know better...I know it will come back down if I'm consistent. I'm sore today, and a little swollen. And it's only .2 pounds from my goal of losing 4 pounds in January. I will choose to be happy with this...especially considering the following...

Official measurements:
January 1st - February 1st = loss/gain
Neck - 14.5 - 14.5 = 0
Upper Arm - 14 - 13.5 = -.5 inch (x2)
Bust - 46.5 - 45 = -1.5 inches
Under Breasts - 42 - 41.5 = -.5 inch
Waist - 45 - 44.5 = -.5 inch
Hips - 55 - 54 = -1 inch
Thigh - 24.5 - 23.5 = -1 inch (x2)
Calf - 20.25 - 20 = -.25 inch (x2)

Total inches lost in January = -7 inches!

I think that's pretty darn good for one month...and we're moving in the right direction again!

Last Workout of January = 33 mins on the elliptical machine on Weight Loss program
First Workout scheduled for February = 15min NTC focused workout (thinking a special bonus celeb workout or a core workout)

Workouts Completed in January: 14/22
Just shy of my first reward...I may still give it to myself (a haircut) because 1) Hubs is offering to pay and 2) I had no idea I'd be dealing with yet another injury, and I still held on. I think that deserves some credit!

Workout Goal for February: 15

Best Week of January: Week 1

I was really on. Then my fire started fading after a trip with a friend brought back all those old frustrations along with another injury. Still, I fought my way through it and came out the other end. Hoping to remember that this month and really have a few good weeks.

Pics from January 2012

My Chicken Pot Pie vs. The Greenbrier's Chicken Pot Pie
(Mine was better.) :D

Vegan Chocolate Birthday Cake - NOM!

Two pictures of me at The Greenbrier. One is dressed up ready for a fancy dinner out. The second was taken just after we spent an hour at a tennis clinic and then I spent 7.5 minutes on a spinning bike. *lol* (Those bikes are vicious! In a good way...)

With my other KGB.

On "date night" with Hubs (he hates when I take pics of us out and then immediately post them to FB *lol*). And with the new puppy, Champ.

My new workout shirt. Going to be fun when I start feeling it get too big (as the old one actually tries to fall down my shoulders when I workout).

My January 2012 sticker calendar. I wanted to see more stickers, but I'll take what I was able to give. I didn't give up, I didn't take full weeks off. I had some rough spots in there and was still able to eek out an almost goal weigh in and some great measurement numbers. That gives me hope.

Quotes to sum up January 2012:
“Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.”
- From Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert (not sure if this is from the book or the movie but I remember her talking about ruins in the movie and I thought it was beautiful...about how you have to tear yourself down in order to build yourself anew.)


"The secret of this kind of climbing," said Japhy, "is like Zen. Don't think. Just dance along. It's the easiest thing in the world, actually easier than walking on flat ground which is monotonous. The cute little problems present themselves at each step and yet you never hesitate and you find yourself on some other boulder you picked out for no special reason at all, just like Zen." Which it was.
- The Dharma Bums by Jack Kerouac


February Goals

emoticon 298 pounds

* Calorie Ranges:
Most days = 1900-2200 calories
High Calorie Days (1x/wk) = 2500-3000 calories
Low Calorie Days (1x/wk) = 1600-1800 calories

* No eating out more than 2x per week. (revisiting this, as I failed miserably at it last month)
* Make homecooked, healthy meals.
* Up the vegetable intake a bit. Try to get 5 fruits and veggies every day.
* Watch the sodium.
* Up the potassium where possible.
* Take supplements to help with the healing process.

Fitness Goals

* Work out 3 times per week.
* Add in some ST at least 2 of those days.
* Yoga at least 1 time per week. Does not count toward previous goals but can be done on the same day as another workout.
* When you can't Zumba - Bike/Row/Step
* When you can't run - Elliptical
* Use your NTC app to your advantage because you KNOW it works!

(See calendar of scheduled workouts for each day on previous blog.)

Other Goals:

* Drink no less than 10 glasses of water per day.
* Take supplements (yes, I'm listing it twice - must remember. I did well in January, but I skipped a few days).
* Stretch out your foot at least twice a day.
* Stretch a LOT all the parts you always have trouble with - hips/pelvis/knees/feet/back.

Quotes for February:
"If you are going to be a champion, you must be willing to pay a higher price."
- Bud Wilkinson


"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do."
- John Wooden

Happy February! ;)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SEEHOLZ 2/3/2012 9:29AM

    Seriously, you did awesome Esther! You have sooo much fight in you, it's really very inspiring!

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    I think you did awesome. Down pounds AND inches! (My inches are a pain in my butt) I look forward to reading March 1 entry of how you kick February's azz!

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 2/1/2012 4:13PM

    First off, I was unsubbed from your blogs... BOO, but glad I clicked on this one to read first.

Down pounds!
Down 7 inches!!!!!

You rocked it hard in January and looks like you were able to enjoy doing it too!

Can't wait to see where February takes you!

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JEREMY723 2/1/2012 1:34PM

    Sounds like the end of a great month and start of (hopefully) another one. Great photos, thanks for sharing them!

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35ANGELS 2/1/2012 10:56AM

    I just love your profile are gorgeous! I love the smile on your face with your new workout shirt on. Your doing it. emoticon

Your chicken pot pie looks better than the restaurant to share the recipe?

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KKINNEA 2/1/2012 10:33AM

    Love that t-shirt! Also that outfit with the vest looks fabulous. How is it possible that you get more and more awesome - you are rocking this year out and giving your injuries a big fat raspberry - cheering you on to that under 300 mark!!

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Makin' Plans and Takin' Names

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Guess what's coming up? Yep, you guessed it - Wednesday! *snort* Naw, another brand new shiny month on the calendar. Time to forgive and forget past mistakes and move on to new and better things. Usually I'm scribbling furiously trying to make up my new plan for the month, but this has been rather difficult because I have no clue where my progress on my foot injury will be by then. But, let's face it, I've dealt with injury before. I'm sorta becoming boss at dealing with injuries. Not exactly what I had in mind as something I wanted to be good at, but I might as well get used to it.

Yesterday I read this in The Dharma Bums by Jack Kerouac:

"The secret of this kind of climbing," said Japhy, "is like Zen. Don't think. Just dance along. It's the easiest thing in the world, actually easier than walking on flat ground which is monotonous. The cute little problems present themselves at each step and yet you never hesitate and you find yourself on some other boulder you picked out for no special reason at all, just like Zen." Which it was.

It struck me as I read it because it almost honors the struggle of the climb, of the rocks that get in your way. "Easier than walking on flat ground which is monotonous." And what struck me most is that THIS is how I should be dealing with this. Let the frustration subside. Treat this as some sort of blessing. Don't think, just dance from one problem to the next, constantly changing direction and shape and form and becoming one with the problems that I face so that I can move past them. Treat it like a state of Zen. A meditation on myself. Use it to get better acquainted with myself, my body, and therefore tap into my own wisdom and find some sort of enlightenment in the journey.

This can be a blessing, not a curse.
This can be my chance to prove to myself my worth, my determination.
If you're willing to give up your dreams just because it gets hard, then your dreams weren't strong enough to begin with - you didn't really want them.
I really want this. I want it more than I want to breathe fresh air each day.
And so I will continue.
And I will learn from this that not only do I have the strength to lift my weight on the leg press machine, but I have the inner strength to fight through tribulations and overcome.
Because my dream is that important to me.
Too important to give up.
Time to learn the dance.

There's also something beautiful to me about this being a leap year. I have 29 days this year in February to make things right, turn things around. I've received the blessing of an extra day - an extra opportunity to prove to myself that I want this and I will do what it takes to go after it.

I am THIS close to Deuceland. The 200s. The holy grail of my weight loss for the past 8 years. THIS close. And I'll be damned if I let anything or anyone get in my way.

So I'm setting up a plan of attack. This plan doesn't look as amazing as my past plans have to me...but achieving these goals, simple as they may sound, will allow me to reach a milestone I always dreamt of, but never thought I'd actually reach.

The plan is thus:

Calorie range: 1900-2200 calories per day
High Calorie Days: 2500-3000 calories
Low Calorie Days: 1600-1800 calories

I will allow one of each - HCD and LCD - per week. Let's face it, no one want to eat the same thing every single day. My body tells me all the time that there are days it just doesn't need that much food. And other days I'm ravenous with hunger. That's just how my body works. On one day, off another. It stays pretty consistent, but during these extreme highs and lows, I have to fight my own body just to do what Spark or MFP tell me to do. I'm sorry, but that doesn't seem right. A computerized program can not know more about me than my own body does.

Possible HCD (unless I'm just not feeling it): 2nd, 5th or 7th, 14th, 19th, 26th

emoticon Exercise Goals:

* Work out 3 times per week. Try to add in some ST at least 2 of those days.
* Yoga at least 1 time per week. Does not count toward previous goal but can be done on the same day as another workout.
* Stretch foot at least 2 times per day. (I've been doing the spelling the alphabet thing as well as calf raises/dips. I've also noticed some exercises - rowing and stairstepper - stretch out my foot as well, so I'm going to try to incorporate those as well.)

I've set my workouts for the entire month, but I am giving myself full freedom and option to change them as needed in order to work around the injury. It's all about the dance. Don't think, just dance over and around the problems and find another path.

(Wed) 1st - NTC 15min focused workout
(Thur) 2nd - Yoga 15mins
(Fri) 3rd - NTC 45min intense toned workout
(Sat) 4th - Walk or Play 35mins
(Sun) 5th - Yoga 15mins
(Mon) 6th - NTC 30min get lean workout
(Tue) 7th - Elliptical 20min
(Wed) 8th - NTC 15 min focused workout
(Thur) 9th - Bike/Row/Step Circuit 30min
(Fri) 10th - NTC 45min intense toned workout
(Sat) 11th - Walk or Play 35mins
(Sun) 12th - Yoga 15mins
(Mon) 13th - NTC 30min get lean workout
(Tue) 14th - Elliptical 20mins
(Wed) 15th - NTC 15min focused workout
(Thur) 16th - Bike/Row/Step Circuit 30min
(Fri) 17th - NTC 45min intense toned workout
(Sat) 18th - Walk or Play 35mins
(Sun) 19th - Yoga 15min
(Mon) 20th - NTC 30min get lean workout
(Tue) 21st - Elliptical 20min
(Wed) 22nd - NTC 15min focused workout
(Thur) 23rd - Yoga 15min
(Fri) 24th - NTC 30min toned workout
(Sat) 25th - Clean/Organize Day 60min
(Sun) 26th - Yoga 15min
(Mon) 27th - NTC get lean workout
(Tue) 28th - Elliptical 20min
(Wed) 29th - NTC 45min intense get toned workout

What I've done -
- I traded in my Zumba for the Bike/Row/Step circuit. Until I can jump and step and glide with ease, Zumba is useless to me.
- I traded in running for the elliptical. Not a fave, but I can do it.
- I've upped the NTC workouts because I KNOW they work. Hoping I can do these with the foot problems, but I haven't tried yet. We shall see. I may have to skip certain things and improvise, but I think I can make it work.
- I've given myself Sundays as Yoga days. I think it's important to keep one day as a sort of "rest" day, but I need to have this rest day work for me, so stretching is super low impact, I won't hardly burn enough calories for it to even count as exercise (80 maybe), but it will do wonders for my injuries.

Again, it is not necessary for me to complete every single workout. I want 3 per week. That's 15 for the month. If I can do that, I will reward myself with something...I don't know what yet. Maybe that haircut/style/color I missed this month.

Important Dates:
2nd - 10 Year Anniversary
7th & 8th - Out of Town on-site
14th - Valentine's Day
20th - Holiday (President's Day)
29th - Leap Day

Not that we're going to do anything for our anniversary or Valentine's Day. Things haven't been going well at home. I'm stressed, he's stressed, and we're taking it out on each other. I asked him to plan something special - pointed him to a bunch of options to get him started - but he had a sort of all or nothing attitude about it. Since we can't afford what he really wanted to do, he's decided that doing nothing is the best option. I just want to remind myself that whether this is a day of celebration or a day of drinking myself stupid or eating my feelings, these two days could be trigger days for me. I need to be aware.

As far as the on-site is concerned. It means I'll be out of town, so I need to know that those 2 days will be high sodium days. Can't be helped. I usually tend to do pretty well on "vacation" so I think I should be alright. I made sure to book a room with a good fitness center (I think they might also have a pool...have to check) and I always want to go there to fill my downtime otherwise I start missing my boys and I get all sappy and crap, and I hate that. So I tend to do a few things on "vacation" or when I'm out of town without them - 1) workout, 2) shave my legs (*lol*), 3) paint my nails, and 4) go to bed early. *lol*

Oh, and I'm just noting President's Day because that holiday will throw off my schedule for the week (which doesn't matter as much now that I'm not doing Zumba anyhow), and I'll have a whole other day at home in which to "get into trouble" if I'm not careful.

emoticon Other Goals:
* Drink at least 10 glasses of water per day.
* Take my supplements.

There's the rough outline for now. May throw in a few more things before tomorrow.

Plan tonight -
Go to the gym. Do something for at least 20 minutes! I promised my girls 3 workouts this week, and one round of yoga too. Gotta see it through!

emoticon What are your plans for next month? Have you had to make adjustments due to injuries or things in life popping up? How do you handle the rocks in the road?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

35ANGELS 1/31/2012 11:43PM

    I like your plan. I just started doing yoga also. Did you get a dvd, or do you take a class. I have started the biggest loser yoga dvd and so far I like it. Good luck.

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KKINNEA 1/31/2012 4:02PM

    Sounds like there's hope and progress on your foot - awesome news! I love the analogy to rock climbing to adjust workouts - sounds like you are a master at alternate solutions!! Rock on in February!

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ATROTTIER 1/31/2012 12:37PM

    I'm so glad I read your blog...especially today since I had a rough January. This part really resonated with me:

If you're willing to give up your dreams just because it gets hard, then your dreams weren't strong enough to begin with - you didn't really want them.

I felt like giving up yesterday and just going back to the old ways, so much easier but then I wouldn't be setting a good example for my son or myself in that case. Starting my journey this month has been so different then last year and so much more tricky, I never had knee problems before and now that is killing me in my workouts and to think outside the box isn't easy for me and finding time to create healthy meals every night is a stupid chore and I just want to give in and eat cereal every night because I don't have time for dinner and hubby sucks at it so that has been my issue and it's stressing me out that my evenings are so's just been tough getting back into this with a baby and my body not being the same as before the pregnancy so there you have it BUT I don't want to give up at all so I will adjust as you say my workouts due to my knee injury and try something new and who knows I might like it more and make new friends or something ;)

Thanks for your blog and I think your plan sounds fantastic!!!!!!!

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ERIN1128 1/31/2012 12:13PM

    "Time to learn the dance." Love it! My immediate roadblock is going out of town this weekend - but I'm going to try to bring food along for breakfast and snacks, so at least those can be healthy.

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ROMNEY3 1/31/2012 11:11AM

    Oh yeah made lots of adjustements. Did know how long this stupid surgery was going to slow me down. Been almost a year now, time to move on.

"I hope you dance" great old country song.

Hope you have a great month of success, in what ever form you need.

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ALYSSA40 1/31/2012 11:00AM

    Nice- I like the quote too!

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BTINTERNET 1/31/2012 9:17AM

    This is a great plan hon. And that quote is a great one - boulders are going to come up anyway so why not just deal with them? Dance around them!

*hugs* We got this!

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