Monday, February 27, 2012
From yesterday morning:
Weight last week: 305.4
Weight this week: 307.4
Food: Didn't log
Exercise: 30 min heavy cleaning, est. cal. burn = 206
Exercise: 3 hours hiking, up and down hills, through muck and around some tricky parts too, carrying 1 gallon jug of water and toting the little pup, est. cal. burn = 2493
Exercise: 20 minute lunch walk, approx 3.5mph pace, a little over a mile, est. cal. burn = 175
Exercise: 25 minutes "shooting hoops" with Hubs + 14 min tutorial for Tae Bo, est. cal. burn = 672
Exercise: Lunch walk, approx 3.5mph pace, 20 min, about 1.25 miles + Yoga Meltdown 30 minutes, est. cal. burn = 400
Exercise: NTC 30 min circuit, est. cal. burn = 554
Food: 3384 (HCD)*
Exercise: 55 Minutes of Wii Sports, est. cal. burn = 685
BMR = 2142
On Sunday I weighed in at 305.4.
Then I hiked for 3 hours on a challenging course. Had a lot of fun, but I hadn't expected to be out quite that long.
The next morning, I'd jumped up to 308 and haven't been able to get it down but a pound since then.
What do I think?
Fluck if I know.
I can hear it all in my head...and it's all conflicting and none of it makes sense.
* I'm doing too much, my body needs rest.
* Rest and it will get worse, it has to budge eventually...right?!
* You're still eating too much. WTF is with that day over 3k?
* You're not eating enough. That 3k day wasn't a binge, that was a full day of your body saying, "OMG! I'm SO hungry! FEED ME, PLEASE!!"
*bangs head on desk repeatedly*
Because it's the same story no matter how I work it.
I just can't seem to get past this point.
I've been fighting for the "under 300" mark for so long that it's leaving a sour taste in my mouth.
Every morning I want to throw the scale out the window.
Every morning I want to give up and just say "screw it".
Because I'm burned out.
And because I'm not seeing results.
And because I've lost all sense of hope that it will happen any time soon.
Hope = ZERO right now.
Work has burned me out.
Workouts have burned me out.
This "eating right" BS has burned me out.
Cooking all the time, cleaning up after 3 boys (yes, counting Hubs), making sure everything is running smoothly, paying for everything and knowing there isn't enough money to go around, trying to juggle finances, and the boys and my marriage and eating healthy and working out and work and my life and...I'm so tired getting out of bed this morning was almost impossible.
I need a vacation.
I know that. I've felt this before, and usually what I need is a week to recharge.
But life doesn't allow that right now.
Because the kids still require my attention. Ethan has 2 concerts coming up. One at school, another for the WV All-State Children's Chorus.
And work requires my attention because we'll soon be at the end of a contract term and I haven't closed shiz in a couple months, and I need to bring my numbers back up. There are currently 7 cases in my desk waiting for me to write them up and close them out. And another 9-10 that I need to keep working.
And Logan is going through this awkward "becoming a teenager" phase where we go from moments where he's clinging to me, laughing with me, listening to what I say and doing what he's supposed to, to him actually growling, stomping, hitting, and hating everyone.
And, the biggest thing of all, there's no money for a vacation...not the kind I need.
Because if I took a vacation right now I'd simply stay at home worrying about all the things I wasn't doing at work - eating right - working out - with the kids - etc. and I'd end up more of a mess than I already am.
So my only option is to keep going until I pass out, puke, or die.
And I'm seriously feeling like I'm almost there. I nearly puked twice during the Yoga Meltdown and then again during my circuit training the next day (didn't realize how hard that yoga had worked me until I tried to work it again). And what did I do? I kept going. I finished it out. All the while worrying that I wasn't eating enough, was eating too much, wasn't working out hard enough, was working out too much/too hard. And that is enough to make anyone's brain turn to mush.
Every day I announce to myself, "That's it. I'm DONE!" And then I just do it all over again.
Because I don't want to look back and say, "I could've done more."
I don't want to look back and blame myself for what isn't happening.
If I'm going to fail, I'm going to fail knowing there was nothing I could do to stop it.
If I'm going to fail, I'm going to end up on the ground bleeding and torn and broken saying, "No one can say I didn't give it my all."
I've tried working out every damn day.
I've tried workout schedules.
I've tried eating like a bird.
I've tried eating more "fuel" for my body.
I've tried sweating until it hurts.
I've tried rest.
And I keep ending up with these same 6-8 pounds following me around like some sad, lost puppy dog.
And even though I want to bash my head into the wall, punch someone out, cry, throw my hands in the air and just give up, etc., etc., etc...I just keep going. Because what other option do I have?
I'm already broken.
I'm already battered and bruised.
I'm hurting in places I didn't realize I had.
And the sad thing is knowing how strong and wonderfully beautiful those muscles are underneath all this fat, and being unable to share that with anyone.
Yesterday I took my family on a hike again.
And I was the slowest one. And that made me feel self-conscious and sad. Because I couldn't just attribute it to the fact that I have to be super careful of my knee (which popped out/in on the hike) and my foot (which is in all kinds of pain throughout the day), I just kept going back to "I'm slowest because I'm so damn fat."
And it makes me sad, because it isn't entirely untrue.
I am fat.
I've been fat for so long that I don't know what my body would look like, feel like, work like if I ever wasn't fat.
And, sadly enough, I'm starting to think I'll never find out.
I dream of being skinny/fit/athletic...friggin' NORMAL, like most people dream about being rich and famous.
I've honestly wondered if I should take on a drug habit because those girls are SO damn skinny.
So what if my teeth fall out? I'll just get new ones. And so what if I drop dead from an OD? At least I'll have experienced being "skinny" just once.
Because the slow way? Yea, it's not working anymore.
I started out this year at 306.4. And two months of fighting later? I'm still injured. Still confused. Still fat. In fact, I've gained a damn pound. How's that for 2 months of torture?
I honestly don't even remember the last time I felt like I was "successful" with this "weight loss" thing. I guess there was some brief victory in January. And then I lost in all in February between stress, a nearly broken foot, and then fighting my way back. Where's it gotten me?
"Back to the end of the line, Esther. You screwed up somewhere, so now you're going to pay for it. Suffer and learn."
Problem is, I'm not learning anything.
What the hell is going on with my body?
Why is it being so resistent?
Why can't I get the scale to budge?
Why aren't my clothes falling off me?
Near tears every single day.
And I've got nothing to show for it.
Show me all your fitspo about "pushing hard" and "Just do it" and all that BS. I say screw 'em.
I HAVE regretted a workout I've done.
Rest days don't always work.
Pushing yourself to the limit and beyond sometimes just leaves you collapsed in the dirt being stepped on by people whose bodies aren't a friggin' mess.
I love you all.
I'm incredibly happy for you and your success.
But I just don't know that I'll ever get there.
With every passing day I'm thinking, "It's just not in the cards for me."
Bit of my life story unfolding for me again on this stage. Give it my all, and still lose.
People's expectations of me are so damn high.
I work so damn hard.
I give myself credit for being able to juggle the mess that is my life and come out of it having checked everything on my to do list off.
I'm not perfect, but I don't expect that because who is?
But that doesn't mean I don't continue to strive for it.
Because if we strive for mediocre we have nothing more than mediocre to hope for.
If we strive for greatness, even if we fail, we made a good long run at it.
But some of us don't cross the finish line.
Some of us can't finish the full marathon.
Some of us fight and fight and then fall down and break every bone in our bodies and stumble to the end, and drag ourselves to the finish line only to realize that they've taken down all the banners and everyone's gone home.
And we see the looks of the people around us. Those looks of sympathy. The half-hearted, "Well at least you tried." or "You put in a good effort." But we know the truth. No body remembers the one who came in last. No one remembers them because they weren't supposed to be there in the first place. Wasting everyone's time when they should have known they were entirely out of their own league.
What am I going to change this week?
Not a damn thing.
Because someone once told me that it takes 3-4 weeks for the body to readjust to a new routine. And the only thing I haven't changed is not changing anything.
So I'll stumble through 3-4 more weeks of this and see where I end up.
Because I don't want to give up unless I know I tried everything, followed every rule, tried every single method of success that was known to man and modern science. Only after I've done everything they said and still don't get anywhere will I know that it's not me, it wasn't something I failed to do...it's the system that's flawed. It's my body rebelling. It's the fates or God or whoever keeping me here for a reason. I'll fight until there's no fight left, no stone unturned, and if I find some magic key that makes this all turn around for me - great! If not, I'll know I did everything I could, but it just wasn't meant to be.
It's a sad way to live life right now. But it's all I got. The only way out is through. The only way back is forward.
MY HRM should be here next week or the week after. Maybe getting a more accurate understanding of "calorie burn" will help. Maybe not. It's just another stone I'm turning over.
One good thing that has come out of this? I don't think I could ever go back to what/who I was "before". I know too much now. I feel too good about what I can do, even if I feel cheated because no one else sees it in me. I will run again, because I love running. I will workout because I love the way it makes me feel. I will eat things like peppers and onions and lean chicken with brown rice. I'll keep the whole grains and wheat breads and whole wheat pastas. I'll keep downing fruits and vegetables like they're picked from that tree Eve wasn't ever supposed to touch. I don't see me going back to stocking the house with craptons of processed foods, but keeping them on hand for those needed "quick meal" times. I don't see me pigging out on chips and candy and ice cream and pizza every day because I understand and accept and actually appreciate moderation. Those "sinful" foods are great as a treat, and when kept as a "once in a while" thing, they make enjoying them that much better. But I know from the way I feel now that they should never become a part of anyone's everyday diet, no matter what size or shape you are.
I keep thinking, even if I give up counting every calorie consumed and burned, I don't think I could ever give up on myself and go back to the life of indifference I had before. I care too much about myself now.
Gaining self-confidence has been the biggest NSV I could have ever hoped for and never expected. (And the fact that this struggle right now is eating away at it, that makes me worry just a bit, so I'm focusing less on what isn't happening, and focusing more on what I have done to make it happen, whether it comes to light or not, at least I put my all into it.)
Friday, February 24, 2012
Confession? I spent a couple bucks more (a little over 9 bucks) to get this at WalMart this weekend.
I had previewed this DVD and was sure that I would be able to do a lot of the advanced modifications on many of the moves, and wouldn't have much trouble with the others. What I didn't anticipate was the movement through Yoga moves would throw me off.
I practice yoga somewhat regularly. I can almost touch my heels in downward dog. I've moved into a more advanced version of dancer pose. I'm not doing any headstands anytime soon and the scorpion pose looks like absolute torture, but I can rock out some yoga. But for those of us that do yoga, the one general rule is that yoga is slow. It focuses on breathing and holding a pose. It's a great ST routine for this very reason. Hold a yoga pose, even the 5-point star pose, for 10 slow breaths and you start to realize how your muscles are being challenged. (Plus, let's face it, I have an uncanny problem with sitting still. I'm like a shark that has to be constantly moving. Corpse pose nearly killed me the first time because I wanted to scratch my nose, adjust my butt, pet the dog...do anything but stay still for however long it took.) When I went to my first yoga class, the instructor challenged me by making me hold those poses even longer.
Don't expect that with this DVD.
Jillian's idea is simple. Combine the great benefits of balance, flexibility and body weight strength training of yoga, while amping up the heart rate through transitions/movement. Jillian's sun salutation is nothing like a regular yoga-ite has ever seen before.
Of course, all of this is based on Level 1. I'm terrified of level 2 right now. *lol*
There are recognizable Yoga moves in the routine though.
Downward and up dog are both featured, plus dolphin pose, which is kind of downward dog in a modified plank position.
Oh, and this pose:
Oh, sorry. Yes, this *serious* pose is evil incarnate. This was one pose I was happy to come out of each and every time. And holding it for 15 seconds? Yeah, that was impossible for me...and I was on my knees in the "beginner" position. (Note for beginners...chaturanga in any form is not for beginners.) And because this is Jillian, who loves pushups more than any evil instructor I've ever met/not met in my life, you're going to get your fill, plus some of Chaturanga.
Oh, and speaking of those Sun Salutations. Yeah, sun salutations are supposed to be a happy, easy pose. But Jillian's created a circuit that she CALLS Sun Salutations, but really includes a quick sun salutation, followed immediately by a forward bend, into a plank, then chaturanga, then cobra, back to plank, up to downward dog, and then back to finish out that "sun salutation" you started in the very beginning.
Sorry, Jillian. That's NOT a sun salutation. That's a form of awesome torture.
Yes, I said awesome. I love this fast paced circuit. (Okay, maybe partly because I get to get out of Chaturanga pretty quickly...) It feels fast and powerful, but...
...and here's my worry. Yoga moves are all about form. Any serious yoga instructor will tell you that form is very important to avoid injury. Yoga moves can be your best friend (my PT actually assigned me Cobra as a PT move for my bad back) or your worst enemy (just read a wonderful little snippet from a girl online who injured her rotator cuff in Chaturanga...great.). It's all about form. It's about the proper positioning and alignment of the body. And my major concern is that without any thought to this, while moving so quickly through these moves, someone could make a wrong move and get hurt.
That being said, I seem to be the current magnet for injuries (I actually busted up my finger yesterday on a WALK...don't ask), and I made it through just fine. Just keep your mind plugged in to what you're doing and DO NOT expect perfection from every move...especially when you're moving that fast. Don't try to go too far and hyperextend yourself. Accept your limitations (hell, watch Jillian...you can tell flexibility is not her strong suit).
The Level 1 routine was 30 minutes long. About 5 minutes in I realized my utter failure in predicting how well I would do. By about 20 minutes in Jillian was asking me to do side planks and I wanted to punch her in her face. But by 30 minutes I'd wondered where the time went. (This is the number one thing I love about circuits...the ups and downs of wanting to kill the instructor and wanting to power through...and knowing that each pose will end soon so you can push just a TINY bit further, I think, makes for a better workout. If I knew I'd have to be there another hour...I would have given up.)
The only problem I have with this DVD right now is that there is no way to track it.
30 minutes of Yoga practice for me right now burns about 173 calories.
30 minutes of circuit training burns about 550-something.
So, I'm guessing we've got to be somewhere in between with this.
Granted, these are all computer estimated guesses on the calories burned because I don't yet have that HRM.
The down and dirty?
This is not a yoga DVD.
It's an aerobic circuit interval training workout with yoga moves built in.
I'm not saying that's a pro or a con. It is what it is. This won't take the place of my yoga stretching routines. But it can combine some of the flexibility practice I love while giving me an extra boost to the calorie burner output. (Let's face it...no one does yoga to burn calories. If they did, they'd surely be at it for a while. Yoga can transform your body and do wonderful things to your posture and flexibility and balance, but it isn't going to give you a great calorie burn because your heart isn't pumping that hard.) This DVD is a good "mix" in a way...which is exactly why I got it.
- I'm still scared about possible injuries when people aren't thinking through their moves.
- Chaturanga. Nuff said.
- For those of you that know Jillian's hard-hitting, bust-yer-arse, accept-no-excuses method of training...you're in for a surprise. This is the most subdued I've ever seen her. I actually wanted to be her friend for a minute. And the line, "Get comfortable with being uncomfortable" is about as douchey as she gets in this one (and I actually love the sentiment behind that and don't find it mean at all). I can't tell if this is because it's yoga, because Jillian isn't as comfortable with yoga/flexibility, or because she took her happy pill that morning, but I liked it!
- You're going to get some strength and flexibility training AND raise your heart rate.
- It's a circuit...it will all be over soon! *lol*
One round through (sorta...okay, so there were a few times during Chaturanga and the Side Planks where I collapsed on the floor panting, "No more! No more!") and I feel pretty good. My arms and butt are sore like a mofo today, and I can tell I got a good workout last night. I'll know more about the calorie burn aspect of it when I get my HRM, but I know it was a pretty good burn (as my 9-year-old said when he picked up my yoga mat after..."Eww! It's covered in sweat!" *roflmao*).
Overall? For under 10 bucks...definately worth it. I'm thinking of it as P90x lite-lite-lite. *snort* (Let a girl dream, okay...until she can afford P90x anyhow...)
And though I'm not giving much credit to the scale these days, I still weigh in every day. 306 today.
And because I know you love it...here's a picture of my finger.
Just add it to the "body part count". :)
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Yesterday I had to call off work. When the alarm clock sounded at 6am I realized I felt like I'd been hit by a bus and couldn't move much. Likely caused by the 3-hour hike on Monday, which finally hit me Wednesday morning, but the day wasn't a total wash. I slept a few extra hours and then was able to hobble around a little bit. Hubs took me out to breakfast, where I ate a reasonable omelet full of veggies and limited myself to one sinful biscuit, before carting me off to the "International Discount Store" commonly referred to as WalMart.
Added to my new DVD collection:
* JM's Yoga Meltdown
* Tae Bo Ripped Extreme
The first DVD I previewed yesterday and was happy to discover that I might actually be able to use the "advanced" modifications on many of the moves (but not all...my lord those pushups are going to KILL me!).
The second one I popped in right after and did the tutorial. OMG...that one IS going to kill me...in a good way I hope!
Before heading home to watch my DVD purchases (and lovingly caress my new copy of The Hunger Games, which I refuse to start until I finish the other two books I've already started), we stopped by the park and "played" some basketball. Just shooting hoops with the Hubs is a fun and carefree way to get some calorie burn in without stressing too much over it. (I realize now, though, that the time for me to get a good HRM is long past due...so I've gotten Hubs to agree that some of our tax money will go to the cause.)
(I also ordered the Rael Pilates DVDs from Amazon, which should probably be here by next week. Just another gun in my arsenal.)
Coming home, I was greeted with my foot brace, which I put on immediately and have only taken off to shower. I can already tell it's helping, especially when I get up after sitting (or sleeping) for long periods of time.
It's time to face facts. I'm going it alone for now. Until the insurance company fixes things with the gym, I need to find my own way to reach my goals. And it's not going to always be easy.
Eating hasn't been all that great. I cycle between 1600-2200 calories. But considering my last known BMR is 2142, I'm trying not to stress too much over it. Especially considering I'm on an exercise streak.
Sunday - at least 30 minutes of heavy cleaning
Monday - 3 hour hike up and down hills on some very challenging trails
Tuesday - Lunch mile walk
Wednesday - 25 minutes of basketball followed by a 14 minute Tae Bo tutorial
Of course, the scale is being a butt of all butts. I'm holding steady at 308 after my hike. Woo-friggin-hoo. I keep telling myself, "Just stick with it. This is the adjustment period. Give it at least 3-4 weeks before you change another thing because your body needs time to adjust to everything again. Do NOT expect instant results." As Jillian said in my Yoga Meltdown DVD, "Get comfortable with being uncomfortable."
I'm sore, swollen, and TOM has hit. I'm drinking lots of water, trying to eat right and sometimes not doing my best at that but not failing miserably either, and working out every day. Eventually, something's gotta give...and I'll be damned if I let it be me again.
Yesterday I announced on FB, "For Lent I'm giving up giving up on myself."
I'm not Catholic. I don't even know when Lent ends. I just know I have to stop telling myself that I'm not worth it.
I still don't feel great about myself, but I have got to get comfortable with being uncomfortable for now. And keep trying...always keep trying.
Taking stock of everything, I have the following:
* A great 1 mile walking route, 3 times around the baseball field, at work.
* A great park nearby with tennis courts, basketball hoops, a great walking route, and even a sand volleyball net. And I have the "supplies" needed for all of those.
* My foot brace, which should help a lot if I keep following my "repair" guidelines (limit jumping and running until I'm all healed up).
* NTC - the app on my phone which I plan to continue to work every Friday for 30 minutes.
* A weight bench at my MIL's house.
* A set of dumbbells at the house. I honestly have no clue what weight they are...maybe 5 pounds? But anything is better than nothing.
* A resistance band.
* JM's Yoga Meltdown
* Tae Bo Ripped Extreme
* a calming Beginner's Yoga DVD
* 30 Day Shred
* Rael Pilates DVDs (coming soon)
* Kinect for Xbox with a Zumba game
* DDR for the Wii
I'd like to get the following, eventually:
* those Turbo Fire DVDs (eep! expensive!!)
* P90x (expensive, again!)
* GSP's Rushfit DVDs (more expensive)
* Cardio Dance DVDs
* UFC Trainer for Kinect
* Just Dance games and the new Zumba game for Kinect
* Bellydancing DVD
* Walk Away the Pounds (I used this in the VERY beginning, pre-Spark, and I need a DVD copy of it)
* Biggest Loser DVDs, maybe
And my HRM.
The HRM will be coming soon. Before we get the money I need to decide whether to just get a Polar version, or if I want to go all out and finally get my Garmin Forerunner, which will be very helpful when I start running again. Because I will run again. Just try and stop me.
I don't know when this weight will budge.
I'd honestly be just fine and dandy with more inches lost because I know I've got to be getting closer to a smaller pants size (and I always said if I can wear a size 8-10-12, I don't care what I weigh. Even if I'm the only 300 pound girl in the world in a size 10...I'll take it!).
The plan for right now (which might change as my new items come in or I find or gather other DVDs from friends or family, or as rewards for my workouts).
Sunday - 1-2 hour hike or a fun active Kinect/Wii game at home with the boys
Monday - Lunch mile+ and Yoga Meltdown after work
Tuesday - Tae Bo Ripped Extreme*
Wednesday - Lunch Mile+ and Yoga Meltdown/Pilates after work
Thursday - Tae Bo Ripped Extreme*
Friday - NTC 30 minute circuit
Saturday - 5k Walk
That's right, I'm resuming my 5k Saturdays for the entire month of March. Anyone want to join me? Walk them. Run them. Whatever...but get your 3.1 miles.
* As for the Tae Bo dvd. The workout is almost an hour long. And 14 minutes yesterday nearly killed me. I have no doubt I'm going to have to work my way through this one. I'll try to improve it every time I do it so that I can eventually get every move for the entire amount of time.
Just hard work and consistency.
Trying to start a streak.
Would love to be able to say I worked out every day for 365 days...a goal I never did achieve.
Time to try again.
Day 7 of 365 starts today. Headed out for my walk probably around noon..and the weather couldn't be better for it. (It's like 60 degrees and sunny out there again! Woot!)
I'll try to review the DVDs once I do them, just in case anyone else is in the market...
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
It hit me about 8pm last night when I realized I didn't have to pack a gym bag for today. And it actually made me sad.
I had been all happy about the idea of "taking a break", but after my 3-hour hike with the boys yesterday, all the memories of past successes began to come back and I realized how lost I am already after over a year at the gym. Sure, there are other things I can do, but it's going to require me getting creative. It's going to require me to use fitness DVDs and games again, which is difficult in the limited space I have at home. Had this happened any other time, I would've simply resorted back to regular runs and ST up at my in-laws' place. But, with my foot injury, I can't rely upon running...and being faced with the prospect of no gym again...well, the image of me running keeps filling my head, making me sad.
I spent all weekend working hard doing something. I went to the Intro to Bellydancing class at the gym at 11am on Saturday, and then said goodbye. It was quite sad to walk away knowing everyone there, everyone that pushes me just by being there, is lost to me. I used them to keep me accountable in a way. When I couldn't force out a workout on my own, I'd use them to fuel it. And that worked, sorta...
But I realized that I no longer have this fall-back. I'm back to realizing that it's all on me. My success or failure will depend solely on me and what I choose to do with the now even more limited resources I have. Until the insurance company sorts out my transfer, I'm on my own.
So I sat there last night trying to sort out some plan for myself. I deleted my run schedule from my phone because it's only been depressing me to see that I should be up to doing 7 miles or more on my long run days...and realizing I can do 0 if I want to heal properly. And I realized....I have no plan. I'm totally lost.
Friday, Saturday and Sunday I worked on cleaning as a way to "workout" without thinking about how I felt about losing the gym. It worked well for me. I burned some calories, got caught up on some things at the house...and it is something I can work into my "plan"...but it feels a little like "cheating" to use cleaning as a workout. I know I can because it's heavy cleaning, and something I wouldn't normally do. I'm scrubbing things, getting down and dirty with things I've been neglecting - wipe down and move on was all I had the time for most days. We'll just have to see if the scale/my body thinks it's cheating as well.
Yesterday, however, was entirely different. I had previously planned to finish up one of my big overhauls - cleaning out the bedroom - sorting through old clothes, getting rid of things that no longer fit and seeing what I have left, and then finding them a new home so I'm more organized. But it hit me late Sunday night. It was my day off. I'd spent 3 days sulking in my house, torn up over the stupid cards I'd been dealt. And, honestly, I was done with all of that. It's been pretty sunny and nice, and there was no way I was going to let another nice day pass me by while I hid in the house. So the oldest and I found a state park in Athens with about a million hiking trails, and we set a plan to get some hiking in. One to two hours is what I had planned. I wanted to leave around 10am, get there around 11am, and then be back around 2-3pm.
Things never go as planned, do they?!
I spent my morning with Hubs. We were headed to Wally World to pick up a gift for my MIL's birthday. That turned into about an hour or more in town - washing the car, picking up some groceries...etc. And then we had to head up to my MIL's house to drop off her gift and wish her happy birthday. So I didn't get to leave until around 12:30pm and our hike didn't start until 1:40pm.
We took the Lakeview Trail first, figuring we could follow the lake around to the Indian Mound on the other side, which my youngest really wanted to see (like his mom, Ethan's very interested in Native American culture and history). The path was longer than we thought. The lake much larger. We ended up at some creek which wasn't on the map and even though the signs all around us pointed to us going this way, we couldn't see any sign of the trail to follow and basically dead ended after an hour of hiking. I looked at the map again and explained to my boys that even if we did find the path, we'd already been at this for an hour, and would likely have to spend another hour or more on the other side of the lake. And then it would take us at least two hours on the return hike to get back to the car. That, along with the lack of a clear path/direction to actually go, lead us to take another route back to the car.
We turned back just a bit and swung a right up the Boogie Trail. Holy crapola! It was almost straight up. My legs were burning, my foot was in serious pain mode, and I could feel my breathing pick up almost immediately. We climbed for what seemed like forever (but was probably only 1/2 a mile or so) and then found a place to rest for a minute, enjoy a small snack, and then finally got back to our feet and continued on. I had this twinge in the back of my head the whole time we were climbing about how "what goes up must come down" but I refused to let myself think about it. Half of the Boogie Trail later and we turned off onto the Broken Rock Trail, which, we knew, would lead us back to camp (we'd seen a sign right by where we parked the car).
I have to mention something about those silly little maps that these state parks give out with their trails on them. They're crap. And very deceptive. At one point we faced a fork in the Broken Rock Trail but couldn't find any "fork" on the map for that trail. (Thankfully, I chose the correct route!). Plus, what seems like a short little trail...it isn't. Hell, the Lakeview Trail didn't seem that long on the map either, but I read later on their website the dang thing is 7 miles long! Broken Rock Trail looked easy enough. We were already 2 hours in and we were more than ready to get back to the car. Little Champ (our puppy) was starting to tire, I could tell. And the boys started fighting like crazy, which usually means they're tired and cranky and hungry to boot. So I figured, no problem, another 30 minutes tops and we'll be back at the car. I was wrong. Maybe we could've done it in 45 if I would've simply rolled down the last part of the Crescent Trail (which we took because we knew it would end us up on the road to the parking lot and we were craving solid ground at the time), but the straight downhill was full of sand and rocks and tree roots and fallen leaves hiding all the rest, so it was slow going as I kept thinking to myself, "I cannot break a foot or leg or something up here, because all I have with me is the small dog and my boys...and I do not want them to have to handle somthing like that. I apologized to them, and took it very slowly, sliding here and there but maintaining my footing most of the time by taking the time to plant each foot, root around for any "trouble" under the piles of leaves, and then taking the next careful step.
Three hours we hiked in those woods.
The puppy did better than I imagined, but the boys both decided he has a form of puppy ADD because he simply cannot stay on task. (We've been spoiled hiking with our husky-mix because he knows how to lead and stay on task.)
The boys actually managed to get along for the better part of 2-2 1/2 hours, but after that all bets were off because, like I said, hungry and tired boys = cranky.
I managed not to twist anything or fall or seriously injure myself. Walking afterward was a PITA because my foot was really sore, but it feels much better today than I imagined it would, so I don't think it was too bad - just a bit overworked and overstressed. (Had we stopped an hour earlier, like I had imagined, I probably would have been just fine.)
We never reached the Indian Mound, but have decided that we'll be back when it dries up a bit to do that.
That was another weird thing. The swimming area of the lake was completely dry. The lake seemed like a dry creek bed, or, at most, a bit of a marshland type area. But the Lakeview Trail was full of muddy spots and soaking wet almost "bogs" that tried to eat my shoes. The only good thing about the Boogie Trail was that it did go straight up out of the muck, and we stayed pretty dry all the way back. (As a point of reference, our little 15 pound dog was mudsoaked all the way up his paws, on his chin, and on his belly. But by the time we got back to the car, the leaves had wiped away the mud and he was fluffy and cleaner than I see him after most of his home baths.)
Next time we'll bring Joey. He's got a knack for this kind of thing, and he'd love this place. He's also a great leader. I can't tell you how many times when we hiked through Old Man's Cave, I simply let Joey show us which way to go around the huge rocks and boulders in front of us. You follow that dog and he'll show you the best path forward. He avoids the muck as much as possible, but knows when the muck is the best option. It's a bit uncanny, but I guess that's why they use this breed of dogs as sled dogs - he knows how to go forward, stay on task, and lead you where you want to go. And he loves doing it. He's happiest when he's taking the lead and "working" in this way.
And next time, hopefully, it will be a little more dry on land and little more wet in the lake. And maybe we'll find our way around and finally see that Indian Mound.
We spent 3 hours hiking almost non-stop. We took one 15 minute break for water, snack, and rest after a long climb, but the rest of the time, we were moving forward at a pretty rapid pace. I have no clue how much ground we covered, and I don't much care. It felt like a lot. It still feels like a lot. My body is quite sore today and swollen, I can tell. Everything is sore from my arms to my legs and my feet, the backs of my knees, my back, my neck. Shoot, even my fingers hurt! *lol* And, as a reward, Mr. Scale let me gain 6 pounds, so that's extra cool too. *lol* (My body tends to weigh heavy after a huge workout day - healing process and all that.)
But even as sore as I was, my soul finally felt good again.
This is why I've been doing this. Because the old me, even the me from a year ago who had already lost a lot of weight, would not have been able to hold out that long without taking a break. She wouldn't have pushed forward and asked for more. She would've turned around much sooner, given in to the back pain on the uphill and the heel and ankle pain on the downhill. She would have complained a lot more (I don't think I complained but 3 times and a bit of whimpering on the way down when my heel really started to notice the pain). She would have been dripping in sweat even though it was cold and constantly out of breath (as it was, the only "out of breath" parts were from the serious uphill climb).
So, yes, I have no gym to go to...and I'm a bit "lost in the woods" as it were. But I'll find my way out. Even without a crappy map to guide me.
What's my plan for the week?
I still have no friggin' clue.
But I'm going to keep in mind the resources I do have available:
* Nike Training Camp/Club app
* 30 Day Shred
* Yoga DVD
* Zumba for Kinect
* Steal the Hubs' bike
* Weight Bench at the in-laws'
* A nice, big muddy hill in my backyard to climb
* The park that has a volleyball net, basketball nets, tennis courts, and walking/hiking trails throughout
* Heavy "spring" cleaning
I get off early this week (at 4:30pm), so I should be able to have some sunlight after work...which will be a nice change of pace. I'll give the insurance company a few more days before I ask for an update, but until then, I'll try to get in at least 30 minutes every day of something, at least for 5 days this week, but shooting for the whole 7 days.
And I'm going to try to eat reasonably. Sunday I broke down and had Chinese. But I don't feel guilty, because I think I more than made up for it yesterday in the woods. ;)
Plan for the day is simple. DRINK LOTS OF WATER!! *lol* I'm parched and swollen and I know my body is trying to heal. So I'm going to flush it with tons of water and hope it rewards me for my hard work yesterday here in a couple days. Because, well, honestly...I saw 301 the morning of my hike, and it gave me a little start in my heart. Because I still want 299...and I'm still fighting for it. But I have to learn a little more patience. I think that's the lesson I was missing. Patience. It will come. It has to. I just have to wait patiently and work hard until then.
And get rid of all the negativity that's holding me back, even if it's something I'm perceiving in what isn't actually there. Flush the system, flush the mind. Start again.
It's amazing what the woods can give you just by being there and allowing you to walk through.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
See, I asked for it. All this crap about "nothing new, same old blah" and I get smacked in the face with a single 5 minute phone call.
The long and short of it?
My gym is dropping their agreement with my insurance company. I've been part of the program for almost 2 years (it will be 2 years in October) and it's a 2 year program. My time was going to be up in 8 months with them and then I would've had to start shopping around for new gyms anyhow or pay full price. Because this program gives me a 50% discount at my gym, something we REALLY need right now. Without it, I doubt I'd be able to afford the darn place without feeling extremely guilty.
So I ask, all innocent like, "So, when is this going into effect?" I thought maybe they'd give me a month to find a new place, or at least until the end of February. "Effective immediately." Well friggin' great! Thanks for the warning. My membership for the month runs out sometime in the next 3-7 days, not sure when...when it's over, I'm done.
Another problem? To stay "active" in the program, I have to check in at the gym 2 times a week. I've got 1 down for the week so far, and planned on going tonight for #2, and then again on Friday for another weigh-in. And now it's all changed. And how will this work out for me? What does this mean?
I know how to find another gym. Of course, there isn't one within 40 miles of my house, but I knew there were options where I work in the city. Well, option...it's 4 gyms connected. So I know I can just probably transfer myself over to the gym here...right!?
Well, you see, I have to get approval from the insurance company first. (Uhm, how can they deny me? They said 2 years and 2 years isn't up and it's my GYM that is opting out, not me.) Now if I could just get them on the phone...
Oh, and there's the small detail of the gym "has to decide if they're going to accept new members from the program." *bangs head on desk* Please say yes! I feel like I'm friggin' about to go out on a blind date or something. Will he like me!? *rolls eyes*
So it's time that I don't have on my side right now...but, like always, I've done everything *I* am supposed to do...just a matter of waiting for everyone else.
So, what does this mean?
I'm not sure yet...but I think it could be a good thing. Because I've decided three things:
1. I want to relocate to the gym here.
2. Even if they don't allow me to relocate, I'm signing up for this gym anyhow. (It's still cheaper than the old place's full-price.)
3. And until this gets sorted out, I'm not logging my calories and I'll exercise how *I* want to exercise and when *I* want to exercise. That's right, I'm taking a friggin' break. Because who is going to stop me? This isn't my fault. I did nothing wrong. And we all know my body needs some rest, as does my mind. Time to take the well-earned break and actually enjoy it. Because I know how to eat right and exercise. I know what I'm doing. I don't need to micromanage for just a second so I can catch my breath.
And the gym I'm transferring/relocating to?
- It has FOUR locations, not just one. All have different things, accommodate different people/schedules, etc. One's open until 10pm. They all open early (5:30am!). And I can go to any of them no matter where I sign up.
- There are TWO pools. One lap pool at a location nearby, and one 4 foot pool at another location. Know how y'all are always trying to get me to go swimming?! Here's my chance! (I was never resistant...I love swimming, I just didn't have an outlet for it.)
- They have spinning class at a time when I could squeeze it in before work (6am). It would be an adjustment for sure (leaving the house at 5am instead of 7am) but I can make it work, I know it.
- They have other classes too like bootcamp, and 30 minute quick workouts at lunch time. And while Turbo Kick isn't on the schedule right now, I think they might have it some times because it is listed on their website.
- There is one location ACROSS THE STREET from where I work. Like a 1-2 minute walk, tops. So I could squeeze in at least 20-25 minutes at lunch if I want my evenings free.
- They have actual trainers there (I think). Something my gym didn't have, so I can get some real help for a change! (I know they said they have people who will supervise your workouts...)
- They have a massage therapist on staff, so when my back goes out of whack or I just feel overworked and overstressed, maybe I can try to reward my tough workouts with a 30-minute massage (it's not free, but $40 for 30 minutes sounds like something I could swing every once in a while if I'm smart..and I am).
So, yes, I do think this is a good thing. I know the downtime may suck because I get impatient when I have to wait on other people to do their job so I can get my life where I need it, but I think a week or two off might be good too. (But I'm not likely to wait more than about 2 weeks for this to happen before I take it upon myself to just sign up as a regular member and get back on my way again.)
How's that for something to update?
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