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Makin' Plans and Takin' Names

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Guess what's coming up? Yep, you guessed it - Wednesday! *snort* Naw, another brand new shiny month on the calendar. Time to forgive and forget past mistakes and move on to new and better things. Usually I'm scribbling furiously trying to make up my new plan for the month, but this has been rather difficult because I have no clue where my progress on my foot injury will be by then. But, let's face it, I've dealt with injury before. I'm sorta becoming boss at dealing with injuries. Not exactly what I had in mind as something I wanted to be good at, but I might as well get used to it.

Yesterday I read this in The Dharma Bums by Jack Kerouac:

"The secret of this kind of climbing," said Japhy, "is like Zen. Don't think. Just dance along. It's the easiest thing in the world, actually easier than walking on flat ground which is monotonous. The cute little problems present themselves at each step and yet you never hesitate and you find yourself on some other boulder you picked out for no special reason at all, just like Zen." Which it was.

It struck me as I read it because it almost honors the struggle of the climb, of the rocks that get in your way. "Easier than walking on flat ground which is monotonous." And what struck me most is that THIS is how I should be dealing with this. Let the frustration subside. Treat this as some sort of blessing. Don't think, just dance from one problem to the next, constantly changing direction and shape and form and becoming one with the problems that I face so that I can move past them. Treat it like a state of Zen. A meditation on myself. Use it to get better acquainted with myself, my body, and therefore tap into my own wisdom and find some sort of enlightenment in the journey.

This can be a blessing, not a curse.
This can be my chance to prove to myself my worth, my determination.
If you're willing to give up your dreams just because it gets hard, then your dreams weren't strong enough to begin with - you didn't really want them.
I really want this. I want it more than I want to breathe fresh air each day.
And so I will continue.
And I will learn from this that not only do I have the strength to lift my weight on the leg press machine, but I have the inner strength to fight through tribulations and overcome.
Because my dream is that important to me.
Too important to give up.
Time to learn the dance.

There's also something beautiful to me about this being a leap year. I have 29 days this year in February to make things right, turn things around. I've received the blessing of an extra day - an extra opportunity to prove to myself that I want this and I will do what it takes to go after it.

I am THIS close to Deuceland. The 200s. The holy grail of my weight loss for the past 8 years. THIS close. And I'll be damned if I let anything or anyone get in my way.

So I'm setting up a plan of attack. This plan doesn't look as amazing as my past plans have to me...but achieving these goals, simple as they may sound, will allow me to reach a milestone I always dreamt of, but never thought I'd actually reach.

The plan is thus:

Calorie range: 1900-2200 calories per day
High Calorie Days: 2500-3000 calories
Low Calorie Days: 1600-1800 calories

I will allow one of each - HCD and LCD - per week. Let's face it, no one want to eat the same thing every single day. My body tells me all the time that there are days it just doesn't need that much food. And other days I'm ravenous with hunger. That's just how my body works. On one day, off another. It stays pretty consistent, but during these extreme highs and lows, I have to fight my own body just to do what Spark or MFP tell me to do. I'm sorry, but that doesn't seem right. A computerized program can not know more about me than my own body does.

Possible HCD (unless I'm just not feeling it): 2nd, 5th or 7th, 14th, 19th, 26th

emoticon Exercise Goals:

* Work out 3 times per week. Try to add in some ST at least 2 of those days.
* Yoga at least 1 time per week. Does not count toward previous goal but can be done on the same day as another workout.
* Stretch foot at least 2 times per day. (I've been doing the spelling the alphabet thing as well as calf raises/dips. I've also noticed some exercises - rowing and stairstepper - stretch out my foot as well, so I'm going to try to incorporate those as well.)

I've set my workouts for the entire month, but I am giving myself full freedom and option to change them as needed in order to work around the injury. It's all about the dance. Don't think, just dance over and around the problems and find another path.

(Wed) 1st - NTC 15min focused workout
(Thur) 2nd - Yoga 15mins
(Fri) 3rd - NTC 45min intense toned workout
(Sat) 4th - Walk or Play 35mins
(Sun) 5th - Yoga 15mins
(Mon) 6th - NTC 30min get lean workout
(Tue) 7th - Elliptical 20min
(Wed) 8th - NTC 15 min focused workout
(Thur) 9th - Bike/Row/Step Circuit 30min
(Fri) 10th - NTC 45min intense toned workout
(Sat) 11th - Walk or Play 35mins
(Sun) 12th - Yoga 15mins
(Mon) 13th - NTC 30min get lean workout
(Tue) 14th - Elliptical 20mins
(Wed) 15th - NTC 15min focused workout
(Thur) 16th - Bike/Row/Step Circuit 30min
(Fri) 17th - NTC 45min intense toned workout
(Sat) 18th - Walk or Play 35mins
(Sun) 19th - Yoga 15min
(Mon) 20th - NTC 30min get lean workout
(Tue) 21st - Elliptical 20min
(Wed) 22nd - NTC 15min focused workout
(Thur) 23rd - Yoga 15min
(Fri) 24th - NTC 30min toned workout
(Sat) 25th - Clean/Organize Day 60min
(Sun) 26th - Yoga 15min
(Mon) 27th - NTC get lean workout
(Tue) 28th - Elliptical 20min
(Wed) 29th - NTC 45min intense get toned workout

What I've done -
- I traded in my Zumba for the Bike/Row/Step circuit. Until I can jump and step and glide with ease, Zumba is useless to me.
- I traded in running for the elliptical. Not a fave, but I can do it.
- I've upped the NTC workouts because I KNOW they work. Hoping I can do these with the foot problems, but I haven't tried yet. We shall see. I may have to skip certain things and improvise, but I think I can make it work.
- I've given myself Sundays as Yoga days. I think it's important to keep one day as a sort of "rest" day, but I need to have this rest day work for me, so stretching is super low impact, I won't hardly burn enough calories for it to even count as exercise (80 maybe), but it will do wonders for my injuries.

Again, it is not necessary for me to complete every single workout. I want 3 per week. That's 15 for the month. If I can do that, I will reward myself with something...I don't know what yet. Maybe that haircut/style/color I missed this month.

Important Dates:
2nd - 10 Year Anniversary
7th & 8th - Out of Town on-site
14th - Valentine's Day
20th - Holiday (President's Day)
29th - Leap Day

Not that we're going to do anything for our anniversary or Valentine's Day. Things haven't been going well at home. I'm stressed, he's stressed, and we're taking it out on each other. I asked him to plan something special - pointed him to a bunch of options to get him started - but he had a sort of all or nothing attitude about it. Since we can't afford what he really wanted to do, he's decided that doing nothing is the best option. I just want to remind myself that whether this is a day of celebration or a day of drinking myself stupid or eating my feelings, these two days could be trigger days for me. I need to be aware.

As far as the on-site is concerned. It means I'll be out of town, so I need to know that those 2 days will be high sodium days. Can't be helped. I usually tend to do pretty well on "vacation" so I think I should be alright. I made sure to book a room with a good fitness center (I think they might also have a pool...have to check) and I always want to go there to fill my downtime otherwise I start missing my boys and I get all sappy and crap, and I hate that. So I tend to do a few things on "vacation" or when I'm out of town without them - 1) workout, 2) shave my legs (*lol*), 3) paint my nails, and 4) go to bed early. *lol*

Oh, and I'm just noting President's Day because that holiday will throw off my schedule for the week (which doesn't matter as much now that I'm not doing Zumba anyhow), and I'll have a whole other day at home in which to "get into trouble" if I'm not careful.

emoticon Other Goals:
* Drink at least 10 glasses of water per day.
* Take my supplements.

There's the rough outline for now. May throw in a few more things before tomorrow.

Plan tonight -
Go to the gym. Do something for at least 20 minutes! I promised my girls 3 workouts this week, and one round of yoga too. Gotta see it through!

emoticon What are your plans for next month? Have you had to make adjustments due to injuries or things in life popping up? How do you handle the rocks in the road?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

35ANGELS 1/31/2012 11:43PM

    I like your plan. I just started doing yoga also. Did you get a dvd, or do you take a class. I have started the biggest loser yoga dvd and so far I like it. Good luck.

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KKINNEA 1/31/2012 4:02PM

    Sounds like there's hope and progress on your foot - awesome news! I love the analogy to rock climbing to adjust workouts - sounds like you are a master at alternate solutions!! Rock on in February!

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ATROTTIER 1/31/2012 12:37PM

    I'm so glad I read your blog...especially today since I had a rough January. This part really resonated with me:

If you're willing to give up your dreams just because it gets hard, then your dreams weren't strong enough to begin with - you didn't really want them.

I felt like giving up yesterday and just going back to the old ways, so much easier but then I wouldn't be setting a good example for my son or myself in that case. Starting my journey this month has been so different then last year and so much more tricky, I never had knee problems before and now that is killing me in my workouts and to think outside the box isn't easy for me and finding time to create healthy meals every night is a stupid chore and I just want to give in and eat cereal every night because I don't have time for dinner and hubby sucks at it so that has been my issue and it's stressing me out that my evenings are so tight...it's just been tough getting back into this with a baby and my body not being the same as before the pregnancy so there you have it BUT I don't want to give up at all so I will adjust as you say my workouts due to my knee injury and try something new and who knows I might like it more and make new friends or something ;)

Thanks for your blog and I think your plan sounds fantastic!!!!!!!

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ERIN1128 1/31/2012 12:13PM

    "Time to learn the dance." Love it! My immediate roadblock is going out of town this weekend - but I'm going to try to bring food along for breakfast and snacks, so at least those can be healthy.

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ROMNEY3 1/31/2012 11:11AM

    Oh yeah made lots of adjustements. Did know how long this stupid surgery was going to slow me down. Been almost a year now, time to move on.

"I hope you dance" great old country song.

Hope you have a great month of success, in what ever form you need.


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ALYSSA40 1/31/2012 11:00AM

    Nice- I like the quote too!

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BTINTERNET 1/31/2012 9:17AM

    This is a great plan hon. And that quote is a great one - boulders are going to come up anyway so why not just deal with them? Dance around them!

*hugs* We got this!

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So, How Did It Go?!

Monday, January 30, 2012

.2 pound loss.

*snort*

Oh, it makes me laugh. I guess that's what you get for only paying attention half the time, and sticking to your calorie goals pretty much, but with crap food, and not really working out much at all. (In my defense, I probably worked out a little more than I should have as I winced and groaned through the last 2 workouts and hurt like a SOB each and every time after my workout. Foot hates me. Whatever, I hate it too.)

I have no words of wisdom for you. I'm still a wreck. But at least I'm still here, still trying, still updating you on my progress. I'm down to 302.0. That's all I got this week...but I do know what I can do better next week.

1) Downgrade my expectations for workouts. May sound counterproductive, but eating when you're planning to workout 5 times a week, and then only being able to work out 3 times...well, things like that don't work out so well. So next week I plan on 3 times a week, and eat accordingly, and try to eat healthy foods instead of crap nonsense. And drink my water. And then we'll see where that gets me.

2) Don't strangle myself with guilt. Let's face it. I'm injured. Again.. *growls* (Seriously, I could write another whole ranting blog on how unfair this is, but what's the point?) If I give into the injury and the anger associated with that, I'll end up with a repeat of 2011. 20 friggin' pounds lost. Whoopie! (If you can't read the sarcasm, I can't help you there.) What's my response to that? Hell to the No! I WANT 52 pounds lost this year. I want to be in the 200s and near the other (lower) end of the 200s by the end of this year. I'm not hoping for miracles, it can be done, even with limited exercise. I just have to eat and plan accordingly and stick to it. Stop grumbling and just do what I can to make it happen.

3) Eat HEALTHIER foods! DUH! I get angry when I can't workout. I feel soft and lame and crippled and old and inadequate somehow. Look, fat girl workin' out can feel like a rockstar, because she is. Fat girl unable to work out? Yeah, then fat girl just feels like a fat girl and all those "lazy fat girl" stereotypes start eating at her brain telling her she HASN'T got this and she should just give up now before she embarrases herself. But maybe, just maybe, if I stick to eating right, even when I can't workout right, I'll be able to garner a tiny bit of my rockstar status back. (Dear Lord, I friggin' hope so!) Time to get fancy in the kitchen...and I should have more time now because I'm not kickin' it at the gym 6-8 hours a week.

So, yeah. I've got to do what I've got to do.
I'm not in the best mood these days (for those who didn't catch it, that's reason numero uno why I went private...I know I can't be all motivating when my attitude is in the crapper right now), but I'm trying to pull myself out of it.

By tomorrow I should have a brace ordered for my foot, which hopefully will be here ASAP. (This is the biggest thing that helped me last time.)
I'm going to keep doing my exercises for my foot. It has helped. Doesn't feel quite as awful today as it did last Monday, so something's working.
I've got workouts planned for every day this week. Some are yoga, some are Nike Training Camp...whatever it is, I planned each day because I didn't know what days I'd feel up to it. Make it to at least 3! If I make more...that's just gravy. But don't expect the world when even walking has become a problem.

Saturday I did what I could. I biked for 6 minutes before I wanted to shoot someone. (Did I ever mention I hate the stationary bike?) So I went with the motto - "You can do anything for 5 minutes. And 'cause you're so awesome already, you can actually do a minute more than that!" Followed 6 minutes on the bike with 6 minutes rowing (interesting stretch for my foot...), 6 minutes on the stairstepper, and then 21 minutes on the elliptical. Foot hurt after, but not as much as it did when I did only the elliptical on Thursday night. I think switching it up was a good idea...and something I might use if something I scheduled this week starts to hurt too much - change it up!

Monday - Walk or Elliptical
Tuesday - Bike/Row/Step combo
Wednesday - 15 minute core workout
Thursday - Yoga
Friday - Nike Training Club
Saturday - Walk

Meal Options for the week:
* Roasted Chicken with Wild Rice and Veggies
* Ground Chicken Tacos
* Slow Cooker Chicken Pot Pie
* Slow Cooker "Not Your Mother's Meatballs" with Whole Wheat Spaghetti
* Turkey Sandwiches
* Pulled Pork Loin Sandwiches

Weight Goal Next Week: 301.0

  


And So It Goes

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

A few things...

1) Not weighing in every morning feels SO weird. But I think it's going to be a good thing for me to take the focus off that and stop thinking when I had a bad day and then lose weight the next morning that I can keep having bad days because it doesn't matter, or when I have a good day and see a gain the next day, that it's just not worth it because it doesn't work. Of course, this means I won't know where I'm at until Sunday.

2) I'm still fighting with that feeling of guilt when I "skip" a workout. Last night I didn't go to Zumba because my foot and back were hurting, causing my head to hurt. I figured if I really wanted to I could Zumba here at home. Instead I came home, cooked a healthy dinner, and then fell asleep almost immediately on the couch. For a minute I felt guilty...and then I realized that I must have needed the sleep.

3) Did you hear that? I cooked a healthy dinner at home last night. I grabbed some chicken, green and red peppers and onions, spiced them and cooked them in some olive oil then added 1/2 a package of fajita seasoning to that. Cooked a side of Steak Fajita rice and then grabbed some low sodium black beans and stewed tomatoes to go with it. Heated up some whole grain tortillas to make some "Chicken Fajita Tacos" of some sort. NOM!

4) Had to take off work today. Ethan is top in his math class and was selected to participate in a county-wide "Math Field Day" at the middle school this morning. For me this means 1) more time with my boys, 2) pride in my youngest, 3) the entire day to get to the gym! *lol*

5) Money is super tight right now, which means getting creative when it comes to healthy. Of course, that made for a lovely dinner last night. Tonight I'm making up turkey meatballs to go with some whole wheat spaghetti.

6) Monday night I did work out. I didn't do my scheduled workout, but I'm trying to be okay with doing what I could/wanted to. I took the puppy up to the park with Ethan and we walked/ran .85 miles. Felt good to run. Hurt the next day, though. *sigh* I miss it.

7) Getting a Runner's mag in the mail yesterday nearly made me cry. I hate that my running future has been put on hold but I hold tight to the idea that I AM a runner, just one who can't run right now. One day. One day it will work for me.

Hope you all are having a great week!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KKINNEA 1/28/2012 3:37PM

    Nice job staying on track. I'm glad you didn't feel too guilty about skipping your workout for the sleep - the way I think of it, at least I wasn't eating junk food while I was sleeping! I have faith you will get back to running some day - I just hope it's as soon as possible!

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BAYBELIEVER 1/27/2012 9:27AM

    Way to go Ethan and mom! That's awesome!
Maybe you need a little break. A true break. No exercise for a day or two. No tracking for a day or two (the same day or two). Do some FUN stuff with your family. Take a hike. Have a picnic (even if it has to be in the car because of the weather). Have a movie-thon. And no guilt. This is a scheduled break. Not even a break, just a little time to step back and relax. But no guilt. Then, if I know you, you will be craving getting back at it all! You are working so hard, I hate to hear you sounding defeated, because I know you aren't!! But, I know attitude is part of this too! And I know injuries are depressing. But, they are our body trying to tell us something.

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ALYSSA40 1/25/2012 1:55PM

    It sounds like you're getting burned out. Find something that can relax your mind as well as work the body. Don't push so hard that you feel guilty. You're doing great.

Be Happy❤Be Healthy

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ERIN1128 1/25/2012 12:09PM

    Awesome about the math day! Also,I keep forgetting to tell you that I love your background wallpaper - always makes me smile.

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NOTABOUTHEFACE 1/25/2012 7:40AM

    Look, unlike 90% of people, you actually HAVE an excuse to occasionally skip a workout. You can't beat yourself up over the future you thought you were going to have as uber runner but embrace that you have to power to create a future that may end up being 1000x better than you could've imagined. I have to stop, I'm developing a cavity.

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I'll Manage

Monday, January 23, 2012

That's what I always do. Any of you who have been "with me" through this for any length of time know I will learn to manage.

That being said, I took the weekend off. I mean, I tried to be conscious about what I was eating, but I had this whole "don't give a flying ----, really" attitude about it. I skipped the gym, and didn't feel too guilty about it. It's not something I can always do...I don't want to get soft, but with the pain in my heel, I wanted to see if stretches and a bunch of rest would help. Very little, but some. So that's what I'll do as I get back to the gym tonight.

That being said, I have this tingly feeling that things are about to start figuring themselves out with my body. I'm not saying I won't be in pain anymore...I have little hope for that anymore, actually... I'm just saying that by letting up these past few weeks on my gung-ho attitude, I've actually learned that letting go a bit might be the best bet for the start of this new leg of the journey. I feel the 290s creeping in. No clue why I have this feeling, I've been juggling so long around that one little mark on the scale, but for some reason this week I felt like I was getting somewhere. (Funny how this was an "off" week of sorts.)

I'm going to try to be kinder to my body.
I will do what I like, what makes me feel strong.
I will stretch and rest when needed.
I won't micro-calorie-count to the last drop. There has got to be some room for error.
I can't and will not spend my life measuring every last thing. My best guess has got to be good enough.
And I need to stop stressing so much.

Because I want to hit the 290s. What's more, I feel like 260 can be in my future. 230 seems far off, but 260 seems doable.
And because I'm really close to the lower 20s in my pants sizes...and that will mean more buying off the rack and, before long, some squeezing myself into "regular store" big-girl jeans.

I'm not asking for the world right now.
I don't need to be buying an 8 off the rack at Macy's or the Gap or (my fav!) New York & Co.
Right now I just want to be able to walk into Old Navy, pull their largest size pair of jeans, and squeeze myself into them. And, eventually, maybe, one day, actually be comfortable in them.

Not so much to ask.
And I need to stop asking so much.

Many of you have wonderfully hit your goals. And I AM excited for you, I promise you that.
Many of you started out where I did and passed me up so long ago. It thrills me beyond belief to see that joy you express at finally getting where you've always wanted to go!

As for me? I've always been a slow and steady kind of girl. Trying to push my body to do more has just led to a full on rebellion by it.
It's trying to tell me, "That's just not how I work. Push me too hard and you'll be sorry!"

I'm not going to hold myself back from what I love to do, though. If I want to kill it on the tennis court for an hour, even if it might mean some recovery time and icing and meds the next day - so be it. Can't isn't working for me. It just makes me angry.
But in the same vein, must isn't working for me either.

The truth is, when I took "off" this weekend, I didn't go crazy. I thought about it, sure. I thought about getting a cake and polishing it off in one sitting. I thought about buying the biggest popcorn, a large regular soda and two boxes of candy for the movie. But when I got there, I got a small and one box of Goobers, and it took me forcing myself to eat it all. (I know that sounds completely stupid to you all...just stick with me.) I kept telling myself, "You used to be able to eat this AND more. Last year you would've polished this off and then stole some from Hubs' bag." As for the soda? It was diet. I drank about 1/3 of it. *lol* I thought about taking it with me, but WTF was the point? I didn't like it. I pitched it. And, yes, the popcorn was good, and so was the candy, but I felt like I needed someone to share with. I have to get used to the idea of "saving it for later" (the candy, not the popcorn, because cold movie theatre popcorn is NASTY!).

And when I went to DQ to satisfy my craving for a Chicken Strip Basket, I realized again how much my tastes had changed. I didn't really care for it. And I certainly couldn't finish it.

And last night I tried again. (God, I know how crazy this sounds - TRYING to binge out of spite...) And I couldn't. I just couldn't get there...not to where I used to be.

And that made me extremely happy. Because, honestly, it means that now I can lay off a little bit. I know this. I got this. It's what my body wants. Hell, it's what *I* want. I'll take a healthy sandwich over a slice of pizza most days. And when I do have pizza, I'll eat a piece or two and be satisfied. (Though I still have a serious weakness for garlic bread! *lol*) And I'd choose a smal square of dark chocolate over an entire bag of milk chocolate covered peanuts 9 times out of 10.

My tastes have changed.
I've changed.
So why the hell am I still beating myself up over who I USED to be?!

Would I still punish my child now for something they did 4 years ago when they've changed their ways?! Uhm, no. I'd praise them for their new good behavior and forgive them of the past mistake.

I need to learn to do that with myself.

"We do the best we can with what we know, and when we know better, we do better" - Maya Angelou

And she's right.
Because, honestly, as painful as it's been. This life is more fun.
I can walk, run, do more than ever before. I have energy to spend time playing with my kids like I didn't before. And even that doesn't mean that I have to constantly be running around with them. Because I have more patience with myself and know the value of "me time" as well. And me time isn't about "I'm too effin' tired to do anything but lay on the couch and veg" anymore. It's about, "My mind and soul need a break so I'm going to choose to do something mindless."

I don't have to always be on.
I'm already Super Woman - I don't have to try.

Do you think Batman wakes up every morning and says to himself, "Today I have to try to catch bad guys so nobody forgets I'm Batman." Uhm, no. He gets up and just IS Batman. And when the bad guys need caught, he goes. And I'm sure even Batman enjoys the occasional down time from fighting crime and stuff. (Maybe he joy rides in the Batmobile sometimes...you know, just for fun.)

So, I feel 290 coming. But I'm making some minor adjustments to the plan.
- I will still plan. It's who I am. I enjoy it.
- I will treat my body well by feeding it yummy, healthy, delicious things.
- I will get to the gym so I can get my powerful, sexy feeling as much as possible.
- I will recognize and take the time to rest and relax when needed.
- I will do the things I love without feeling guilty about them. (Lately I've been feeling guilty about wanting to spend time with my family instead of working out. How stupid is that?! If I don't have them in my life, sorry to say, this whole thing is pointless. If it was just me I'd be alright just getting stupid fat and lazy and never caring about a thing. But I have family and friends and people I love and that love me and that I love to hang out and do fun, active things with now that I CAN do them. THAT'S why I do what I do.)
- I will stretch whenever I think to and rest when it's needed so that I can get back to the gym and get my powerful and sexy feeling back. (It's the circle of my life, baby!)

And for all my rebellion this weekend - I put on .8 pounds. I'm alright with that (especially considering that the previous week's weigh-in was post NTC workout, which always takes a few extra pounds off me).

So - starting weight this week: 302.2
(Oh, one more change, other than today, I'm staying AWAY from the scale other than once a week again...today? Habit and damage control. Thing put me at 301.)

Meals for the Week:
* Spaghetti and Homemade Turkey Meatballs
* Ground Chicken Tacos
* Chicken Fajitas
* Pad Thai
* Homemade Slow Cooker Chicken Pot Pie

I might throw in some fried rice if needed.

Workouts for the Week:
* Whatever I want and can do. I'd like to try to get to at least 1 Zumba class this week. I'm going tonight and hope to pull out some NTC. Maybe the elliptical on Thursday on Cross Country setting (because it kicks my rear) or a lighter setting if needed. Another NTC day on Friday, probably. (LOVE that workout!) And then Saturday I plan to clean/play in order to burn some calories without overanalyzing the how or how much.

Other goals:
* Drink 10 glasses of water per day.
* Take my supplements.
* Be forgiving of myself.
* Be forgiving of others.
* LOVE on my family. The whole crazy, wacky lot of them. Even the nutso animals.

Weight Goal for Next Week: Lower than 302.2 and closer to 298.9.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BAYBELIEVER 1/24/2012 12:27PM

    Sounds like you are learning AND accepting so much about your body and your life. And you are right. That is what this should all be about because if it weren't for our families or our lives then why bother. Such clarity. Thanks!

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35ANGELS 1/24/2012 1:13AM

    Sounds like you have a good plan. What is Pad Thai.....is it a sparkpeople recipe? sounds interesting. emoticon

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ERIN1128 1/23/2012 3:40PM

    What a huge victory, the simple fact that "your tastes have changed!" You have come so far!

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SARAWALKS 1/23/2012 12:58PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KKINNEA 1/23/2012 12:20PM

    Love the positives in this blog!! I love that you have a great foothold on the eating thing and I'm rooting for those 290s. Your plan sounds good - you are my hero for doing the elliptical because it drives me nuts most of the time! Rock this week out!!

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LILY_SPARK 1/23/2012 12:11PM

    I love that you ask would you punish your child for what he did 4 years ago. So smart!

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ATROTTIER 1/23/2012 11:50AM

    Basically this is your life and you are living it and I would say to the fullest and I appreciate you saying that you don't always have to be on because as a woman, a mother, a wife and so-on there is too much going on to really have that much control. I think we can have as much control as we strive for but we have to live and when I say that I don't mean go on binges because we can but to just forget the "rules" from time to time to cherish this life I think is ok...I feel like I'm rambling along but I am struggling with some of this stuff too and it's such a learning experience and we just have to figure out what is right for us. I love your plan - you take care my friend!! :)

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-POOKIE- 1/23/2012 10:04AM

    When I was suffering with plantar faciaitus (or however on earth you spell it) I used to swim regulary, its amazing exercise.

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 1/23/2012 10:01AM

    I know you will reach your goals! I'm loving your plan for week, mostly
*Be forgiving of myself
*LOVE on my family. The whole crazy, wacky lot of them. Even the nutso animals

The first on being the toughest.

If you have any leftovers this week, can you send them my way, it sounds delicious... and reminds me I need to make my meal plan.

Have a fabulous week!

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Seriously?! Again!?

Friday, January 20, 2012

Today I woke up with the most severe pain in my right heel. The pain is in the back part of my heel, the very back part of the bottom of my foot. Hurts like hell.

Honestly, I've been having this problem for a while. I've tried everything from rest, to stopping running (yeah, that's been awesome for me...another big fat NO to what Esther can do), stretches. Nothing has helped, but the pain has been manageable - just a slight discomfort. Until this morning when it drove me to tears.

I know I probably have one of those fancy injuries - Plantar Fasciitis or Heel Spurs or something. Fun, right?! And I don't even want to hear the doctor say it. I'm so friggin' angry I might just spit in the doctor's face.

You see, I've dealt with plantar fasciitis before, when I was over 100 pounds heavier. The cause, of course, as told to me, was being overweight. Yay! Chalk another one up for the Causes = Fat column! So what did I do? I took care of it. I lost weight. 115 pounds and counting thus far. And we meet again. I get that I'm STILL fat. I totally get that (if you read my last blog you totally know I get that). But come friggin' ON already! I don't really know how much more of this I can take.

I took every preventative measure I was told to take by every running expert, website, guru, doctor, whoever.

"Prevention

A variety of steps can be taken to avoid heel pain and accompanying afflictions:
•Wear shoes that fit well—front, back, and sides—and have shock-absorbent soles, rigid shanks, and supportive heel counters.
•Wear the proper shoes for each activity.
•Do not wear shoes with excessive wear on heels or soles.
•Prepare properly before exercising. Warm up and do stretching exercises before and after running.
•Pace yourself when you participate in athletic activities.
•Don’t underestimate your body's need for rest and good nutrition.
•If obese, lose weight. "

www.apma.org/MainMenu/Foot-Health/Br
ochures/Learn-About-Your-Feet/Heel-Pai
n.aspx


Thanks so much for that last one, guys. Love that.

I've been VERY careful. I have been fitted for running shoes. I make sure the people there know I have issues with my high arches so they can accommodate that and make sure my foot is fully supported.

I swear to friggin' Pete that if someone puts me into those granny orthopedic shoes I won't come out of my room again.

I know I sound childish, but I don't care. I'm 31. I workout 4-6 times a week for at least 30 minutes. I strength train. I've walked, run, done Zumba, boxed, swam, biked, stair-stepped, ellipticaled, rowed, and circuit trained for over a year now. I give myself rest days. (I feel horribly guilty when I do, but I know they are necessary.) I follow the guidelines and try not to push myself, while still pushing myself enough to get a challenge. I've got the right equipment, I've paid for formal instruction where needed. I've done every damn thing I'm supposed to be doing...and, let me tell you a secret, at least for my life... It's all a load of crap. Sometimes you just get to be that one lucky person. I guess I'm the .1% of this equation. And, in this case, being special isn't a prize (maybe a booby-prize).

Yes, yes. It could be worse. But, seriously!? AGAIN!? I have to go through this AGAIN!?

*bangs head on desk repeatedly*

For those of you reading, this frustration is numero ONE why I set my page to private. I'm not about to be able to motivate anyone to do anything but friggin' give up now before things get worse. Because I followed the rules. I followed the plan. I wasn't perfect, but I forgave myself because I was human. I didn't lose it all super fast. I took it slow and steady. I celebrated the months when I lost inches instead of pounds. Yes, I complained along the way. But I didn't give up. I exercised through the pain, telling myself that stupid quote about how pain is weakness leaving the body. Yeah, not always. Sometimes pain is your body saying OW! OW! PLEASE STOP!! I've rested. I've felt guilty and then told myself to stop the negative thoughts and moved on. Since April 2010, I can tell you matter of factly, there has been only ONE week that I didn't exercise at least one time. AND I did that on purpose - because of these stupid injuries and people arguing with me telling me I was pushing myself too hard. Guess what? That didn't friggin' work either. My body didn't heal in that time. The pain got worse. "If I'm going to hurt either way, I'd rather get something out of it at least," I thought. And I kept going.

Again and again I kept going.
Smacked down.
Fall down.
Get back up.
And just kept going. I didn't even take the time to brush the dust out of my hair. I just kept going.

And....
now I'm being punished for that.
Again and again - punished.
The chiro even told me straight up that some of my problems are DUE to me losing a bunch of weight. WTF?! BUT! I did what I was supposed to! Every doctor in my life said every problem was CAUSED by my weight, so I took the hard road and worked to lose it and now you're telling me that doing what they told me to do for years has led me to this road...where I'm in front of another doctor telling me that the solution has become the cause!? WT ever-living F, man?!

I think I've determined that doctors don't know shiz and it's basically a guessing game. And maybe that's why I don't even want to go to the ER to have them x-ray my foot and give me some BS line about how to solve the problem, and I go do that and it causes another friggin' problem.

So, nothing new to report. My foot friggin' hurts. I should probably have crutches right now because the pain in my heel is stupid ridiculous when I try to walk around. But I'm going to do what I've done for over a year now - ignore it and keep doing what I'm doing. Yes, I'll eventually go the doctor - maybe even tomorrow - and find out WTF is up "officially" or whatever. But I don't think it will help much. Ironically, the one thing I'm constantly told (because they love that "you're fat" as a cause for every illness) is to rest, but continue to exercise. Love that line, but every friggin' machine in my gym pains me. Every last one. So I basically go in there and pick my pain every night.

So, yes, right now my page is private. If you hear someone say something about it, they can let me know they want to be added. I just want people to know WTF they're getting into with me right now.

I'm still fighting.
But I friggin' hate it to bits.
And I don't see that changing real soon.

I expected to lose a bunch of friends over this rotten disposition. I totally get it. I can't always read b!tching blogs and then get excited about eating right and exercising. But think of it this way --

If *I* can do it with all the real, actual pain I'm having, WTF is your excuse for not doing it?!

OR

If you're a runner - run one for me. I miss it so terribly (so much so that if I talk about it too much it makes me cry), but I'm coming to terms with the fact that I may not ever be able to really run the way I have wanted to my whole life. Or, at least, I can't right now run at all. So if you're considering NOT running today. Stop chickening out for no reason. Do one for me. Do one single mile for me, because I would LOVE to be out there b!tching my way through it, talking positive talk to myself, telling myself the first 1/4, 1/2, 3/4, 1 mile is the hardest and pushing through to 2, 3, 4, or even 5 miles in the end. I wish I could be there celebrating the dripping sweat following a great run and that immense feeling of pride that comes from knowing you just did what a lot of people are too scared to even try. So, if you're considering bailing - just do one for me.

I'll fight this battle so hopefully you don't have to. And while I'm wincing in pain at the gym, you just remember that every time you have a case of the simple "idunwanna"s and tell yourself to shut it and keep going.

There, does that help?

*limps away*

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHICAT63 1/21/2012 7:46AM

    You and I have that in common foot problems = pain ! I had the same, I wear inserts in my running shoes all the time. When I lost the most of weight, I had the searing pain return in my left heel (hell spur I call it) as before it was my right heel. Went in have my insert re-ajusted 3 times ! My Technician finally said: "Sorry, you will need to get a new prescription and new inserts I cannot ajusst it anymore. You have lost too much weight. Your foot, heel and weight distribution has changed ! " Got new inserts and voilà pain disappeared. Nota: I refuse to buy or wear those orthotics shoes only wear my inserts in running, hiking shoes.

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ERIN1128 1/20/2012 3:33PM

    I have to say, the "If obese, lose weight" thing made me laugh out loud! Like it's something you can do on your lunch break tomorrow, or something. Talk about unclear on the concept. Hang in there sweetie.

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ALYSSA40 1/20/2012 12:32PM

    Just like every other obstacle that's gotten in your way, this too shall be left in your wake! You're my role model and I know, without a doubt that you are going to beat this too. Prayers, hugs and anything else that can help you through this!

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SEEHOLZ 1/20/2012 11:37AM

    Rebounding? That is super low impact, super fun!

Sigh.. .sorry!

Comment edited on: 1/20/2012 11:38:05 AM

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CALLIKIA 1/20/2012 11:35AM

    Again - swimming = no access to pool. Plus, when I do swim or do things in the water I still have pain from the knee joint that bugs me, so that too is another pain I have to choose.

Spinning = no spinning bikes available. I have biked and the stationary bike = I hate it. But I do it, and it hurts my hips.

I don't know what else there is I could try other than golf. And...really? Golf? WTF?

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SEEHOLZ 1/20/2012 11:24AM

    Trust me, I really understand your frustration! I've been dealing with some chronic pain keeping me from running the way I want to and I had mini brakdown on Tuesday because of it-- and it's not the first time it has happened and I did make all those changes etc. SO I HEAR YOU!
The thing is that while it is not fair and whatever else, all you can do is deal with it--- for me that can be easy, hard or extremely difficult at times, because I feel guilty complaining about my chronic injured self... while others are dealing with real illnesses etc.
That said and you can defriend me if I am super annoying.. the pool has always saved me when I was ready to call it quits on the exericse front! It saved me through my ankle tendonitis, my stress fractures ( both of them) and it's been good to me while I am able to moderate activity... which is still something hard for me. I don't love it, but I am grateful to have the pool for that reason. Have you tried pool running? There is a whole program for injured runners- the thing is, it's boring and tedious and hard if you do it right---want the same type of bneefit that is-- but it's amazing how fit you actually get! That and the bike? Have you tried spinning? I think getting away from impact exercises for awhile might be extremely beneficial. Not trying to sell you anything, just speaking from proven experience. I'm the kind of person, I can't really be me without exercise you know? I love it and I need it and well, I go to any lengths-lol- to get on a great workout! Whatever it takes!

In that spirit, try something new?!

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ROMNEY3 1/20/2012 11:15AM

    Oh I am so there with you right now. Can't run either. My heel pain ended up being heel spurs which lead to the severed achillies tendon. SO don't wait too long to have it looked at.

And yes I am using the theory if you can do it I have no excuse, so see you do still inspire depsite the pain. Which I hope goes away soon.




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KKINNEA 1/20/2012 10:44AM

    You know I'll run one for you! I'm out here hoping you can find some solutions because I know you love your running!

Your theory makes sense to me - some people get the bad breaks. I know this is in no way on the same level, but I get blisters no matter what I do and helpful people give me advice about how I'm doing things wrong. I can't imagine that being amplified into real pain and completely unhelpful advice where you kind of want to punch someone.

I'm sending out my best healing vibes to you so these pains will back off and not be such a trial!

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KATIE2POINT0 1/20/2012 9:54AM

    Almost forgot rule#1!! I don't know what you wear for shoes but absolutely not heels until it gets better. SUCKS, but important. I am actually wearing heels for the first time in like 6 months today... I needed to feel like a woman, I'm not sure my podiatrist would approve. whoopsie.

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KATIE2POINT0 1/20/2012 9:43AM

    I 100% hear you on this one. You may remember last year I started out amazing! I was doing P90X (successfully I may add) and then started running. Because I am such an over-pronator I got plantar fasciitis. There were mornings when it was literally crippling. The first step is always the worst.

I spent 8 months trying to get it fixed... orthotics, ice, stretching, ibuprofen, physical therapy and injections... nothing helped, in fact it was just getting worse :(

I had surgery for it in November and it was one of the best things I have done for myself. I still have a little bit of weakness but that is my fault for babying it even when the doctor said not to.

Things I found that may help...
-freeze a small water bottle and roll it under your foot for 15 minutes 3 times a day. I hate ice, so I know it sucks but it really does help with the pain.
-ibuprofen. You need to try to get some of the inflammation down so adding this to the ice will help with that.
-the most important thing to stretch is actually your calf muscle. Most important lesson learned... if it kills you to stretch it, don't push through the pain, stretch it a little less and work your way up. Standing on the bottom step and letting your heels fall off the end is a very good one. Again, 3 times a day if you can.
-the recumbent bike was pretty much the only exercise I could do without pain or aggravating it more. Definitely better than nothing!
-My health insurance paid for my orthotics... they are stupid expensive otherwise... maybe something to look into.

I absolutely get how frustrated you are right now. It makes me mad just thinking about it! I hope some of these things help.

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