Monday, December 19, 2011
Last week, I wrote out my frustration and then I shut down. I shut down everything. For one whole week I just stopped going through the motions. I stopped fighting, pushing forward. I just stood still for one week. Most people would say I went backward. In a way, I did. Sure, I regressed into old habits. Not cooking because the day was busy. Grabbing a muffin because there's no time for anything else and I just don't want to force myself through the carrots. Call it whatever you want, but for me, it felt like standing still.
I've worked my arse off this year. I've been beating myself because I haven't been PERFECT - because I'm not always on. Because I don't complete every workout 100%, because I take nights off. But something I've realized when looking back is -- that's no different than what I've always done. In fact, I've worked harder this year on healthy eating and exercise than I have my ENTIRE LIFE. I focused on healthy foods a great majority of the time. When faced with options, I tried to play it "healthy safe" while still having a little fun. I worked out. I worked out HARD. I worked myself up to running 5 miles. And, no, I didn't "burn out" or whatever, I could've kept going - I have more energy now than I have MY ENTIRE LIFE. I kept getting injured, yes, but that's no different than any other year. The weight used to cause problems, now the exercise does.
Maybe it's this time of year - you know, one year coming to a close and reflecting on it and all that - or maybe it was this week I spent standing still, but I've come to realize that I didn't fail this year. I didn't sabotage my efforts. I lived a life - a life full of ups and downs, bad days and good days and - let's face it - I've had more good days this year than bad ones.
Now don't get all excited. This is not me "seeing the light" in any way. The thing I'm realizing is - I worked HARD this year. I fought for it. I bled for it. I sweated for it. I ate right and exercised a great majority of the time. And after all that, I have NO CLUE why I've lost almost nothing this year.
Yes, I said almost nothing.
Most of the people in my life don't understand this feeling. They call me ungrateful (I hate that word - not because of the meaning, but because of the spelling). They say I should triumph in whatever accomplishments I have reached this year. They don't understand the empty feeling (NOTABOUTTHEFACE described it PERFECTLY though! THANKS!) that comes when you've been at it so long, you've been fighting and fighting, and you've barely moved at all. They don't understand the struggle to get here, and the realization of knowing it's not even halfway done yet.
I started at 466.6 pounds.
I'm at 308 (or thereabouts) now. I have lost almost 160 pounds. I have almost that much still to go. (131 more pounds will put me at 177, a "healthy" weight).
And, for the record, I have been fat for 25 years.
Growing up I did weight watchers.
I remember walking around the track in middle school, just trying so hard to lose weight - to be like the other girls. (And I remember listening to a mixed tape from my husband - then boyfriend - *lol*)
I've eaten my fair share of tasteless "low calorie" meals. I've ignored and rejected and refused my fair share of cookies and cake and ice cream in an effort to slim down.
I took classes on how to eat right that were prescribed by my doctor.
I drank diet soda, because I was told that was best.
I ate Weight Watcher "desserts" that did nothing to curb my cravings - so I would eat 3 of them instead of one.
I forced down carrots and celery raw...and hated it.
All 25 years of "trying" to lose weight, and now finally doing it, and then hitting this friggin' wall? It's maddening. And the most frustrating part is that no one in my real life understands my frustration. They don't understand that even after losing A PERSON, I still don't look the way I think I should. I can't wear the clothes I want to. I'm still taken for someone who is fat, lazy and unkempt. Don't ask me how I know this look, ask the 25 years I've spent seeing it.
Still, I have to say that this is the farthest I've ever made it on this "journey" or whatever ya'll call it. Most people would rejoice in their efforts to say they're back where they were before having two kids, back where they were in HS. But even in HS, I was the "huge" girl. So getting here is less WOOT and more ABOUT FRIGGIN' FLIPPIN' TIME. UGH!
And after a year of fighting:
- Major Work Changes
- Family Issues/Stress
- Issues with Birth Control Meds
Not to mention the new emotions arising out of a conversation with my mother about my father, but the fact that he is now in the hospital basically dying (congestive heart failure)...
Yeah, this has been a rough year.
I learned that my pelvis is misaligned - and will likely never be fixed.
I learned that my hips are off because of that.
I learned that I have a calcified ligament in my neck, which will likely mean that migraines will always haunt me.
Basically I learned that no matter what I do, the damage is done and the work ahead will be constantly plagued with injury, readjustments, pain, and popping ibuprofen and soaking in ice baths like it's my friggin' job. And what do I get for those efforts? Not much. A mere 20 lbs on the scale...and the same looks out on the road...the same clothing sizes and stores...the same reflection in mirrors.
So, yes, it's frustrating. And that's what I was trying to get away from this past week. A week off. Eating whatever I wanted. Not going to the gym ONE TIME to actually work out. I just needed a week of not putting myself through the paces, not berating myself for what I could've done better = what might've gotten that scale to move.
A perfect week for it too, since I had my monthly weigh-in at the gym Friday. *sigh* Whatever, right? I even committ to my non-committal. I was up about 6 pounds from last month, but still down one from that Sunday. And most of the weight can be attributed to water weight. General bloating.
The woman at the gym said, "Well you really didn't do much damage." Gee...thanks. Nice to know that I can do "not much damage" from a week off, but I can't seem to lose a friggin' POUND when I committ to working out EVERY DAMN DAY.
I know that I can't keep going like this, though. It would catch up to me. I know this from experience. I fought last time for a 100 pound loss, and then stopped and gained back half of it. So, I know better. This morning started with my 1/2 a bagel breakfast. I brought a salad to work and some carrots (gag! I really do NOT care for carrots...lesson learned. Plus, I don't think carrots or celery are to be eaten raw by anyone ...unless you're a rabbit. For me, these will always be simply carriers for other types of food - carrots and ranch, celery and peanut butter. I will not be buying either for a snack unless I plan on the calorie punch that comes from ranch or peanut butter in my snack). And, I ate some carrots...coated in ranch. And then? Then I ate 2 of my protein bars, a little peanut butter cup, an Andes mint (Ugh...my stomach HATES peppermint right now!), and a small bag of Cheez-its.
See how hard these habits are to break?
Just last week I ate:
And the funny thing is, I eat those things anyhow on "plan" so it wasn't even like cheating. (And no, I am NOT counting the ice cream I got from DQ the other day that was somehow carbonated and tasted like Root Beer Ice Cream, which sounds good, and tastes good for a couple licks, until it hits your stomach and you want to yack!) I guess that's how I "lost" a pound. *sigh*
After that week, I have no pearls of wisdom for you. I've vowed to be in the gym no less than 3 times this week -- and actually WORKING OUT while I'm there for at least 20 minutes. I have vowed to myself to try to run when the mood strikes me. (Today I heard a coworker ask if they wanted to go for a run...they meant in the car, but all I could think of was road under my shoes...so maybe that urge is reemerging.) I have vowed to attempt to eat healthy each and every day, but not to allow myself to get caught up in my "slip-ups".
As much as I want to think it might go differently, the truth is I'm only getting out of this year with about 20 pounds lost. I probably could've lost a few more if I had a few more on days, but - for the most part - this is what I could do with what was given to me. It's disheartening for me, but it's the truth. I have to allow myself the pat on the back I deserve for making it through such a trying year. And I have to then let it go, and move on from here.
I know everyone around me says "Who cares if it takes until you're 50?" Uhm, I friggin' do. 25 years, people. Most of them spent dieting, spent being told how unworthy I was, how not important, how unpretty. I understand now my worth and value are not tied up in my weight. I also understand that my beauty does not fade or go away just because I pack on a few pounds. (And, thankfully, I have a husband that reminds me more regularly than ever now that I am one of the most beautiful women he has ever seen.) But what you don't need the classic a-hole in your life for is telling you that the cute clothes you see the other girls wearing are NOT available in your size, or that you have to shop in a DIFFERENT store because you're, well, DIFFERENT, and that no matter how hard you try to fake it, they will always see your rolls. That you don't need anyone to tell you. That you don't just learn isn't true...because that is fact...fat facts of being fat. And I'm still living with them. Have been for 25 years. Take another 50? Why, so I can wear a sexy corset and some fishnet stockings to my 80th birthday party?! Uhm, no...thanks. The time for that is fading as we speak...
So, yeah, I don't want it to take until I'm 50. I need to find some other way to work this out. I need to figure out what the hold up is and get moving. I WILL lose more than 20 friggin' pounds next year. I've got 130 yet to go...somehow I have to find a way to get there that doesn't leave me wanting to bash my head into the wall repeatedly on a very regular schedule.
No plans yet. But the rest felt good. It felt good to have no pressure on myself. And I went from being angry at my life and "my journey," to hating myself for ruining it in one week (*lol*), to just accepting that sometimes everyone needs a break. Even the best athletes, after training for hours day in and day out, take a break. They splurge and indulge and do the things they didn't have time for before (for me, it was spending countless hours at home with my boys just enjoying them, or spending time with the Hubs). And then, once that break is over, they get back to work. I'm getting back into it slowly...but I'm getting there. (Have to remember, this is still Christmas time, so stress is high and I'm busier than ever trying to make sure everyone's taken care of and everything's in order for the big weekend this weekend - all of which starts Friday at lunch with my mom and brothers.)
I make no promises, save one.
I'm not quitting.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Yep. I'm a good girl on my trip. I walk until it hurts. I run and/or otherwise workout every day for at least 20 minutes. I try to stay away from the "bad" foods we all know and love. I limit myself and try to make the most of it. And I gain weight.
So, yeah. This is frustrating. I've been battling what to do for a few days now because right now I just don't even want to think about it. Life is crazy and getting in the way. My body is sore and worn out and just plain tired. I don't want to spend countless hours in the gym if they aren't going to count for anything. And I'm sick and tired of people viewing me as lazy because I'm tired after work and because I hurt ALL OVER and I don't want to move from the couch after I get home. I can't give anymore because I have nothing left to give.
I hurt. A lot.
And that makes me consider whether the "worth it"s are there right now for me to keep going. Plus...I'm heartbroken. I want to succeed and I THINK I'm setting myself up to do that...and allow myself the ability to not be so harsh on myself. I tell myself that no one can be perfect. And, yet, if I'm not perfect with my weight loss efforts, this is what I get.
And I don't want to hear about travel = weight gain, because I know that isn't a die-hard fact. I eliminated the whole "eating out all the time" by cooking in my hotel room. I had nights where I was flat out bored out of my mind sitting in my room because I was afraid if I went out I would be "bad" and eat "bad" things. I tried not to socialize too much because that just leads to more temptation, more eating.
And for my efforts, I gained weight. Just weeks ago I was THIS close to 299. Now I'm just gaining back all the weight (however TINY amount it was) that I lost this year. And instead of falling back on, "But I FEEL great!" or "But I look AMAZING!" I fall back and hit my head on concrete because -- here's the cold hard facts -- I HATE the way my body looks. I'm sure it looks better than before (Duh!) but back then I wasn't concentrating so much on it. Now that I focus on it so much I have learned to hate every bit of it. What's worse, as I've lost weight, I can actually SEE what my body shape would look like without so much extra weight. I can SEE it, but I can't seem to get there. And that's pissing me off. And I hate my body for it. And a million people can sit there and tell me not to hate it, because it carries me around and does so much for me, but my body is a jerk and ugly as hell right now and I hate it.
Note I didn't say that I am ugly. I don't believe I am. But standing naked in front of a full length mirror makes me want to smash the glass or just curl into a ball in the corner. I don't feel attractive. And I haven't lost a pant size pretty much all year, so I really haven't had ANYTHING to look forward to in that regard. Sure, I can walk into an Old Navy and buy an XL, or sometimes even a Large, shirt, but I'm only fine if I don't look down because the parts of me down match and I don't feel the tiniest bit attractive anymore. This has just about killed my intimacy with my husband, poor guy.
Add to that the "jerk" factor of my body. The fact that no matter how much I condition my body to be tougher, I keep falling back into the same injury hole with no way out. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I take it easy, I don't burn enough calories anymore. My heart is great. It's excellent, actually - beating at an athlete's pace. So it requires a little more push from me to get it to where it needs to be to really burn calories now. But when I push, my body nearly breaks. I have no delusions of running a half marathon because I can't seem to run 2 miles anymore. I hurt. Everything hurts. My feet, my hips, my back, my neck. I'm getting headaches again...my full-on dizzy migraines have returned. The chiro helped for a while, but it seems like once my body gets used to a treatment, it ignores it and I break all over again.
I'm sure you can all hear it in my voice - the anger, the frustration. And I'm going to thank you right now for your words of support and encouragement because I won't be able to thank you later. I'm too angry. Too bitter to even hear anything. My own head and my broken heart are talking so loudly that I can't hear over them anymore.
I would hate to think I've come this far and gotten all this way and this is it. Is this all I have? Is this all I can take? Do I have to go on another 5 year hiatus so that my body can catch up?
And, yes, I may sound like a child when I say this, but it's not flucking fair. It's not fair that some people can power through, lose all the weight, and move on. And me? I'm stuck in limbo land - fighting my inner demons, fighting a body that no longer wants to move because it's just plain tired of hurting every single day. I want to wake up and go to work and go through my normal routine without fighting back the tears from the twinge in my neck, the throbbing pain in my lower back, and the ache of my hips whenever I move. I don't want to sit on the couch and dread having to get up because my knees hurts so much and because I know that as soon as I move, even if just to turn from one side to the other, I'll feel every pain and ache in my hips. I'm sick of grimacing through life.
Look, I know I didn't gain weight over night. No, this took a LONG time to put on. But if it's going to take me the same amount of time to take off as it did to put on...well, I don't think I have that kind of patience in me. I started gaining weight at the age of about 5 years old - right after the man who people call my "father" came home from prison and started making my life a living hell. And I didn't finally turn the corner to changing things until 2004. I don't have 2 decades worth of patience in me.
Before I left for DC I told the Nutritionist that 299 no longer seemed impossible. It still doesn't. Neither does 230. I stand by that statement. What seems mighty improbable, though, is the ability for my body to take 2 decades more of this nonsense - for my heart to fight through 2 more decades of heartache, of disappointment after rough weeks I fought through, of putting in the hours and getting no reward. I don't think my body will hold up, and I'm almost 100% sure my heart doesn't have the strength to fight through that for that long.
I'm a strong woman. I have fought through a lot. But I struggle with the fact that no matter how hard I push, I seem to end up at the same point of origin time and time again. I don't like settling for next to last place - not after all the effort I put in. I don't like putting my body and mind and spirit through all of this pain and turmoil, only to have people breeze past me who aren't doing hardly anything. I got through some of the roughest years of high school with the idea that when reunion time came around I would end up better than they did. It was a lie. When I got there, they were still better than me - more successful, thinner, prettier. Nothing had changed. The only difference was, I had fought tooth and nail to maintain my same sorry existence, while they had breezed through following life's simple formula.
The realization is, some people are bound for greatness. Some people aren't.
Some people come by this easily. Yes, for jebbes-sake I understand that everyone struggles, but they don't fight tooth and nail and fall down 15000 times just to get an inch along the path. I've spent so long trying not to "diminish" anyone's journey, their struggles. But, if at least for right now, I refuse to believe that everything I see in them, all their ability to just make it through practically unscathed is a seething lie. I can't see how they could be struggling so much and putting on such a great face of "I'm great! This is fine! I could do this all day." Maybe I'm just not a good liar. Who knows...but for right now, I refuse to diminish my own journey.
It might be too difficult.
There, I said it.
I might not have what it takes.
I'm no longer sure.
And, I might fight for the rest of my life and never get there.
And I'm starting to think that more and more as time passes.
I don't have time to waste. I know everyone wants me to be patient and take it slow and just believe that it will happen, but...
A) I don't know that I believe it WILL happen. I believe it COULD, but I don't think all of the power over that is in my hands.
B) I'm SICK AND TIRED of waiting. Why must I wait while others forge ahead? And what am I waiting for then? I'm about to be 31 years old. I have spent 26 years being bullied and picked on and looked down on and treated like garbage. I've had my accomplishments dimished by just one look at me. I've had my world crash down on me more times than I care to count. 26 years is a LONG time to live fighting against all the horrible things that people are thinking about you, that you know they've been thinking because of those moments when they blow up and want to hurt you and they spill the beans about what's really in their hearts. I know because there are those who aren't so shy to say so, who don't care about hurting your feelings. There are those moments where those you love come to you to "voice their concerns" about you and you start to realize they know NOTHING about you.
So if it's going to take me another 20 years...if I have to wait until I'm 50 years old to be the weight I want to be, the weight I've been crying and fighting and dying for since I was a teenager...what's the point?
I'll have passed the stage in life where it's acceptable for me to dress and act the way I thought I always would have if I had just been able to break through the embarassment of how I look. My kids will be grown and there will be no one to chase around and play with. I know my life won't be over at 50, but I have plans that involve being the age I am now, and being with the people I'm with right now...those people will be old and grown or possibly even GONE by then. And so I will have lost the opportunity to do and be what I wanted to be because I was stuck in the holding cell for 20 years.
Just so you know, this rant blog is my way of doing a few things:
1) Letting it out. Because I'm sick of feeling this rage without having anywhere to place it. (And yes, it has turned from frustration to anger to blind rage.)
2) Letting you all know that if I drop off the face of the Spark planet...well, at least you know why.
3) It's better than crying at work. Which is all I want to do lately. I'm sick of hating my life. I want to enjoy it. I'm sick of obligation after obligation with no possibility of reward to follow.
So, yeah. That's it. A fine way to end one of the most tumultous years of my adult life. I don't know what the future holds. This may be a breaking point. It feels a lot like a crossroads in a lot of ways. I have to make a choice and I need to make it soon because I have got to stop fighting with myself like this. Something has to give - either me, or the road. Unfortunately, I'm easier to move...
Thursday, December 08, 2011
My bags are (mostly) packed, I'm on my way (tomorrow)...
I had plans coming into this week.
1) Enjoy and relax.
I relaxed myself to the brink (and past) boredom as early as Monday night. I'm not so great at relaxing.
2) Run the National Mall.
Well, CC said I could gradually go back on Tuesday/Wednesday. I went with Tuesday because it would allow me a Thursday run too...possibility of 2 runs in DC this trip. My hands down favorite place to run is the National Mall...because when you're there you're pretty sure that every single person in DC must friggin' run. It's non-stop running all the time...unless they're tourists, of course. Me running blends in. There's very little nodding or smiling when you pass one another, but every once in a while you might get a twinkle of the eye from a fellow runner. So it is my goal to one day run from the Washington Monument to the Capitol in a complete loop.
Of course this trip I got blessed with cold, wet, ugly rain. I wimped out of my early morning run on Tuesday, and then was blessed with a long lunch so I came back and did it in my hotel midday (there wasn't time to change, go, come back, shower, etc, etc. I barely shoveled some soup down my throat and made it back to class as it was). So, yes, I got a run in. It wasn't what I wanted, but whatever, right?
And then today. Yes, it's cold. I don't friggin care. I will take chilly/cold (it really isn't THAT cold) over wet, cold rain ANY DAY. Especially to run in (because I freak out and think I'm going to slip and fall). I did nothing this morning. I was exhausted from the week. I walked a lot last night and considered just taking today off. And then when I got back to my hotel room early from class I don't know how but I managed to end up in running clothes with my hotel key tucked safely near my arse (hehe! love running pant "pockets") and I was off. (Ran a little over a mile...not sure how much, did 2.5 miles total.) The high point was the thumbs up from the worker outside the medical tent centered in the middle of the mall - a group of demonstrators, but I don't think it was the Occupy people. *shrug* (I know, bad, I should've paid more attention. I saw a sign that said "GOOD JOBS"...but everyone wants that these days -- including me!) I nearly passed him without looking, but then he started walking toward me with the biggest grin on his face...he looked so proud I nearly giggled... am I running this, dude, or you? He gave me a thumbs up and I think he pumped his fist a bit. It was a special little moment I'll keep with me...especially now that my hip hurts from that run combined with all the walking this week. It's worth the random fist pump, y'all.
3. Eat mostly at the hotel.
I purposely get a room at a hotel that's just a little farther away from my training site for 3 reasons - 1) it's quieter, 2) to make me walk a little more each day, 3) it has a kitchenette in each and every room. That means I can fall back on the meals I know are healthy because I make them. Of course, it's not a full kitchen, but it works well enough to save me money and allow me to control my food a little bit (especially my sodium intake). I could stay in the hotel that is literally across the street from my training site, but I don't for these reasons. So this time I was determined to stick to it as much as possible.
I'm proud to say I ate out 3 times.
1) lunch yesterday - I was not braving the DOWNPOUR again for a grilled cheese when I knew I could get a decent chicken panini upstairs
2) last night - I had dinner with my DC Sparkie! (Hey B!!) We went to a fabulous sushi restaurant in Chinatown and I gorged myself on sushi and enjoyed every minute of it and I wouldn't ever guilt myself for that
3) dinner tonight...kinda. I walked to the Holiday Market (a street fair where local vendors sell stuff they make in tents along the street and there's live music and little food vendors, etc.) BUT...and that's a HUGE but! I AVOIDED the truffles AND the mini donuts. I got a spinach and cheese empanada because it was dinner time and I was hungry and a couple miles from my hotel and I ate half and then shoved the rest in my pocket.
4. AVOID STARBUCKS!
Last year I had Starbucks every single day, sometimes twice in one day. It's hard when you don't have access to that stuff at home (you can ask hubs how much I gripe that NEITHER town near me has a decent coffee shop ...or ANY coffee shop for that matter! They have these stupid "cafes" that are actually video gambling places and it ticks me off everytime I see them. CAFES SHOULD SERVE COFFEE. CAFE IS FRENCH FOR COFFEE!!! Hell, it's Italian for coffee too but those silly boys and girls put two Fs in it. ;) ) So when I get here and they're on EVERY CORNER... I can't help myself.
BUT I DID THIS TIME. I had Starbucks this morning. A big huge venti Peppermint Mocha Soy No Whip...because that's my favorite drink and I planned to only get one. (That changed late tonight when I was freezing at the market and ordered another one - a grande - but I only drank half of it and tossed the rest. It doesn't count if I don't finish it, right!? ;) )
All in all, this has been a successful trip.
* I saw my B! And we're going to TRY to stay in better contact this time!
* I got some GREAT sushi!
* I limited my Starbucks intake.
* I exercised EVERY SINGLE DAY!
* I nearly made it from Capitol to Monument...almost, but not quite there yet...running!
* I ran the National Mall. (part of it, anyway)
* I got a fist pump in the air from a random stranger.
* I literally walked at least a mile or two every single day. Yesterday it was like 5 miles, today it was 7 or so.
* I ate at my hotel almost every single meal. Granted, I mostly ate grilled cheese and tomato basil soup, but that's better than some of the options here...like the monstorously evil buffet upstairs from my training (NO WAY! I can get that crap at home!)
- I had 3 alcoholic beverages in 5 days. (I know, I'm SO bad. *rolleyes*)
- I didn't drink enough water every day. (I did drink a lot of tea and limited my coffee intake to that one cup in the morning.)
- I am sore ALL OVER. (I actually forced myself into an ice bath after my run today and then - stupidly - went out and walked like 4 miles after that. *sigh*)
- I was bored a LOT.
- I cannot WAIT to go home!!!!!!
- I probably ate too much every single day, but I also worked out way too much too, so maybe it will even out.
Tomorrow the plan is:
- Get up.
- Finish packing (I'm just about there - running clothes have to dry and my jammies and stuff I'll need in the AM need to go in and I'm set).
- Eat large breakfast (hoping this will help me avoid airport temptations).
- Grab some fruit/yogurt/etc for "the road". Once I check out, that well dries up.
- Check out.
- A half day of training.
- Find a cab to the airport. (Shouldn't be too hard, they usually line up outside the hotel across the street.)
- Wait like 6 hours to board a plane and go home. (This part sucks. I'll see if they can swap me to any earlier flight free of charge, but I never expect anything free from an airline anymore these days...still, I'll ask.) The training people always tell us we have to stay until 4pm, but the instructors ALWAYS let out around noon. *sigh* Next time I'm just going to chance it and book a 2pm flight...not nearly 7pm, like I have now. *bangs head on desk*
- FLY HOME!!
Dude, I SO can't wait to be back home. The boys promise they've been cleaning while I'm gone, but we shall see. My friend, Andrea, is driving up on Saturday, but if the place is trashed I'll have to put her up in a hotel. Never know what I'm going to find awaiting me after what we've termed "Bachelors' Week" at my house!
But if I learned anything this trip (and it's a stretch thinking I learned anything useful in training other than some people are and always will be pompous, arrogant, self-righteous a-holes), it's that I gots it in me, I just got to gets to it. I'ma go toast me a bagel or eat a piece of toast or make another grilled cheese (using up whatever I have left *lol*...it is difficult to think I have to throw this stuff away tomorrow...good thing I didn't get much!) and then read myself to sleep. *WAVES*
Sunday, December 04, 2011
So, I've been getting some compliments lately on how great I look. After you start losing a considerable amount of weight, you go from getting these all the time, to getting them less and less as people settle into the idea that you're changing. Either that or, like me, you stall out and there's not much to give a positive comment on other than, "Good job not gaining that weight back" which, thankfully, I don't know anyone stupid enough to say that to me.
When I start getting compliments again, it felt good, but I had gone so long without them that I wondered if it was just 'time' or something. You know, that these people around me want to continue to encourage me and it's been long enough that they felt I needed another boost. I didn't think there was much more to it than that.
Maybe I was wrong. When I boarded the little turboprop plane this afternoon bound for DC, I was, of course, hopeful that I'd be able to snap that stupid belt...I didn't have high hopes though. The last time I was in one of these was just this past summer and, let's face it, the scale hasn't declined that much since then. So imagine my pure glee when I heard the darn thing click into place. Not only that, but it wasn't a tight fit...there was wiggle room (though not enough to pull the other end or need to tighten the belt). Back on my summer trip, I learned that while I could fit the belts on the big planes, those turboprops were just mean and small. Today, however, I can't say that any longer. I am a seat belt extender asker NO MORE. I can fit in the seats of the airplanes and buckle the belt.
It's been part of a big lesson I've been learning recently. The true meaning of MY journey. I know we've all talked about how my journey isn't yours and whatever, but I don't think it really hit me until now.
Yesterday morning I met with my nutritionist for our last regularly scheduled visit. She did a kind of recap for me on what she's noticed about me over the past year. The biggest thing she noticed? I don't live in a straight line, and I can't lose weight that way. I have bursts of crazy motivation followed by moments - days or even a week sometimes - of none. I've constantly talked about trying to find balance and trying to stay consistent because I've always realized that these are the two main things I lack the ability to do. My sticker charts are never completed because I simply cannot be 100% 100% of the time.
Now this information is nothing new. It's something that has frustrated me to no end recently and some of you might remember me ranting about it just a few blogs ago - that two steps forward, one step back momentum I've got. Sure, it gets me where I'm going, but it seems like such a stupid way to travel. But sitting there talking to my nutritionist I told her that I was trying so hard to maintain a steady balance and then I said, "But I have to realize that may never happen." She nodded and smiled.
She told me that, for whatever reason, THAT may be the path I end up taking. I still succeed. I still get there, to my goal. Maybe not how I want to get there...maybe not in the straight line that everyone around me seems to have no trouble following, but through some crazy windy road. That's right, I'm taking the scenic route. And while sometimes it drives me completely mental, other times it feels good to me, it feels right - because along the way I have time to dawdle and learn valuable lessons. These are the lessons - I hope - that will help me reach my goal, but will allow me to keep myself there for a very, very long time. It allows me to build a life for myself within the journey, so it's not just about losing weight - it's about creating new habits and reinforcing those that work for me...finding things, healthy things, I can fall back on.
I have to be okay with that. I have to learn to LOVE my own journey for what it is, no matter how much it frustrates me. Because no matter how many times I've thought of, or even said I might be, quitting, I didn't and I won't. It's just not who I am anymore.
Something else I've learned about my habits through our meeting? When I'm working out steadily, everything else falls in place. I eat better, I actually CRAVE healthy foods and cooking. I drink more water. I want to move more. I'm more confident and better able to stay on task. No clue why this is such an important thing for me and why I can't simply cut my calories, not exercise and still lose weight, but, again, that's not how I work. I like to work out. I'm an athlete at heart, and I think I always have been, I've just never given myself the opportunity to harness and encourage and indulge that part of myself.
It's been a good day. Yes, I ate some ice cream (*gasp!* ;) ), but after a very hard night of horrible panic attacks worried about all the things that could go wrong today, so far it has been the smoothest trip I've ever taken. Checked in - no line. Bag paid for. Hugged my boys no less than 3 times each before they headed off. Then boarded my plane without having to wait for forever, had a pretty easy flight in, reading the whole time (and with the excitement of sitting in my belt without assistance!), and then landed and seemed to just...I don't know...go from one thing to another without much trouble. That felt great! I got my bag no problem. I got a taxi with no trouble - and the dude even gave me a receipt without hassle! *lol* Checked in without a single problem (early, I might add!) and went to the store and bought the few items I'll need to make some yummy stuffs in my room. (Grilled cheese and tomato bisque soup, hummus and pita, and pears! Oh, yeah, and the ice cream! *snort*) Now to relax and settle in and get some uninterrupted sleep (no puppies whining and barking!) and then head to class tomorrow. (I just hope the return trip goes just as well.)
And I'm realizing how much I've changed. Not just my weight and my size, but my confidence in everyday life - my ability to face challenges and overcome. My willingness to put myself in difficult situations, so that I can get to where I need to be. My unwillingness to sacrifice who I am and what I want just because it might be a challenge to get there. NSV, much!? ;)
Have a great week everyone! I'll check in when I can. Looking kinda forward to realxing and enjoying this week with the pool...and I can't wait until Tuesday so I can run the National Mall a little tiny bit! :)
Friday, December 02, 2011
Weight November 1st: 306.4
Weight Goal for December 1st: 299.9
Actual Weight for December 1st: 307.8
Loss/Gain in November: +1.4 pounds
I hate that. I hate that it doesn't show all the hard work I put in the first part of November because I lost it all around Thanksgiving between emotional stress and stress at work and another injury...my momentum just died and I undid all my hard work. *sigh* I remember I being at 302...I remember how exciting it felt to be SO close...and then... *sigh*
This is NOT acceptable. I need to get my shiz together like NOW.
I go to see the Chiro today, but I can't assume he'll just fix all my problems and I'll be perfect again. It's going to take hard work. It's going to be a month of painful workouts and icing my body and trying to move forward. I need to be more focused on my eating habits if I'm going to fall apart every night when it comes to working out.
Next week I'll be in DC for training. My plan is to walk, run, or otherwise exercise in their fitness center every single day, even if just for 20 minutes. May even try to locate my bathing suit so I can swim too and visit the hot tub. As far as food is concerned, I'm going to cook/prepare most of it myself. When I go out I'm going to try to be conscious of what I'm getting and what hidden calories it might contain. There are only 2 (types of) restaurants I'd like to eat at this time: some great sushi and a vegetarian/vegan place I found online, if I can find my way there...just so I can try some vegetarian/vegan dishes and expand my horizons in that regard.
I have to admit, I never signed up for the 3 Charleston races I wanted to do. Partly because of the injury making me worry, but mostly because of cost. As much as I'd love to be able to sign up for a dozen or more races, I just don't have the funds right now to even consider it. Hubs is working now, so that might change soon, but we'll have to wait and see. It may hinder my ability to sign up for the half too...who knows. *sigh*
This week has been insane at work too. Our work is having a celebration of 50 years of service -- 50 years ago a bill was signed into law in WV that formed the agency I work at and allowed us to do the great work we do. Because they know I've done a lot in regards to events like this, I got pulled in - which meant I had to do MY job, plus my old job all at the same time, and juggling that has been uber difficult. I have to go in after my appointment today in order to finish up as much as I possibly can before I leave for DC on Sunday. And since my other work (you know, my ACTUAL job) has been piling up behind me, I'll have to take some of that to DC with me and see what I can get done there so I don't miss my projected goal for the month of December (we're supposed to finish 3 cases a month...so I need to really get pounding on those).
I don't know if I mentioned this, but we also got a new puppy a few weeks ago. He's adorable, but training him has taken a fair amount of time from all of us. Taking him out a million times, training him not to bite/chew the wrong things, playing with him to wear him out so he'll sleep in his kennel each night (this one we've got down already! yay!).
Last night was the first night this week that I went to the gym and worked out. I did 35 minutes on the elliptical in an interval program and burned a fair bit of calories. Of course, I then ate over my allotted calories. See, THAT needs to stop. I gotta get my butt into gear because I WILL be in the 200s by the end of this month. Period. This morning I was 306.4, so I've got some work to do...but it's doable if I fight for it.
No more binging at night
Lots of water
Working out as much as possible without reinjuring myself
Run when I can (haven't run since T'giving day)
Bike when I can't run
Do whatever else when I can't stand to bike
I'm resetting my ticker today because I need to start from today, not lament over the damage I did after a couple weeks of insanity. Funny, the holidays didn't get to me, the stress of everything else was more of a problem than anything. Family issues, injury, new pup, new job for Hubs, more work for me. Stress, stress, stress. As they say in Anastasia, "Stress, it's a killer."
Get through the week. Get as much done at work as possible, and then hand it over and trust that there are other people qualified to do it, even if it's not to MY standards. I've done the best I've can with the short time I was given after it was thrown at me. I can't do everything. When today is done, I need to let it go and go home and do laundry and pack for DC. I leave Sunday. I want to be back at 305 or under by Sunday if possible.
I'll be undergoing my 4th week of training. Not sure what that will entail, really, but I'm going to try to get as much out of it as I can. Also need to get done a little bit of real work while I'm there so as not to fall behind completely. I have hit my goal the past 2 months (or exceeded it) and I'm not about to lose momentum now...especially after the glowing evaluation I got the other day. I also need to use this week to rejuvenate my spirit and my will to succeed. I won't have other distractions (family, puppy, other pets, etc.) so I should be able to devote this week to doing what I need to do to get my head, my heart, and my body back into the game. Then I'll come home (hopefully) with a renewed spirit and will triumph on. I hope to come back having lost at least 2 pounds...which is always hard to do when traveling. But I CAN do it if I focus on making my own meals, drinking a lot of water, hitting my calorie goals, and working out. That should put me right back around the 302 mark. I may also have an old friend coming to visit. I'm trying not to stress over this...or over the uncertainty of her plans. What happens, happens. I'll have to just go with it.
It's the week of our event, so I'm sure things are going to pop up, but after Tuesday it will all be done and I'll be free to focus on doing the same old same old. It's funny how bored I feel when I do that for a while, and then how much I crave it when I'm forced to switch gears and put myself into overdrive to complete other tasks. I had better be ready to close 1-2 cases by the end of that week, so I need to make sure the focus isn't lost. And I've got to hit the gym like nobody's business. Work on ST, on cardio, on circuits, on whatever it takes to burn the calories I need to get myself back to where I want to be. I need to be nearing the 300 mark by the end of this week.
The final surge before Christmas. Part of me secretly wants my 299 by Christmas...a Christmas present to myself. And I'll do whatever I can to get me there. But that doesn't mean I can slack off. I learned this week that you can do all you can for two weeks, but then if you slack off at the end of the month, you end up with the results like I'm seeing above. I don't want that. AT ALL. I want a considerable loss for the month. I want to renew and recharge for the end of the year and make 2011 something I can be really proud of. That will take WORK. At work I need to be ready to close out my final cases, so I have to keep focused on that. At the gym I have to be focused on burning calories and building strong muscles. And I need to always focus on my calorie goals. This has been my main weakness thus far. I've got to challenge my body to accept less and challenge my mind to know that it doesn't mean I'll be hurting my body or starving. I don't need that late night snack. I don't need a cookie. I need to stay focused. I need to be really close, if not AT already my 299 goal.
The final push. The last chance workout time. Stay focused. End 2011 with a bang. Make all the kids jealous of my winning spirit. Smile a lot and enjoy it. I WILL be at 298 by the end of the week. You hear that? I WILL BE AT OR UNDER 298 BY THE END OF THE WEEK. Now what do I need to get me there?
And NEVER quit...not even for a second
Here we go...the final push, the last 30 days to make something happen for 2011. I don't plan on wasting them.
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