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Farewell, DC!

Thursday, December 08, 2011

My bags are (mostly) packed, I'm on my way (tomorrow)...

I had plans coming into this week.

1) Enjoy and relax.

I relaxed myself to the brink (and past) boredom as early as Monday night. I'm not so great at relaxing.

2) Run the National Mall.

Well, CC said I could gradually go back on Tuesday/Wednesday. I went with Tuesday because it would allow me a Thursday run too...possibility of 2 runs in DC this trip. My hands down favorite place to run is the National Mall...because when you're there you're pretty sure that every single person in DC must friggin' run. It's non-stop running all the time...unless they're tourists, of course. Me running blends in. There's very little nodding or smiling when you pass one another, but every once in a while you might get a twinkle of the eye from a fellow runner. So it is my goal to one day run from the Washington Monument to the Capitol in a complete loop.

Of course this trip I got blessed with cold, wet, ugly rain. I wimped out of my early morning run on Tuesday, and then was blessed with a long lunch so I came back and did it in my hotel midday (there wasn't time to change, go, come back, shower, etc, etc. I barely shoveled some soup down my throat and made it back to class as it was). So, yes, I got a run in. It wasn't what I wanted, but whatever, right?

And then today. Yes, it's cold. I don't friggin care. I will take chilly/cold (it really isn't THAT cold) over wet, cold rain ANY DAY. Especially to run in (because I freak out and think I'm going to slip and fall). I did nothing this morning. I was exhausted from the week. I walked a lot last night and considered just taking today off. And then when I got back to my hotel room early from class I don't know how but I managed to end up in running clothes with my hotel key tucked safely near my arse (hehe! love running pant "pockets") and I was off. (Ran a little over a mile...not sure how much, did 2.5 miles total.) The high point was the thumbs up from the worker outside the medical tent centered in the middle of the mall - a group of demonstrators, but I don't think it was the Occupy people. *shrug* (I know, bad, I should've paid more attention. I saw a sign that said "GOOD JOBS"...but everyone wants that these days -- including me!) I nearly passed him without looking, but then he started walking toward me with the biggest grin on his face...he looked so proud I nearly giggled... am I running this, dude, or you? He gave me a thumbs up and I think he pumped his fist a bit. It was a special little moment I'll keep with me...especially now that my hip hurts from that run combined with all the walking this week. It's worth the random fist pump, y'all.

3. Eat mostly at the hotel.

I purposely get a room at a hotel that's just a little farther away from my training site for 3 reasons - 1) it's quieter, 2) to make me walk a little more each day, 3) it has a kitchenette in each and every room. That means I can fall back on the meals I know are healthy because I make them. Of course, it's not a full kitchen, but it works well enough to save me money and allow me to control my food a little bit (especially my sodium intake). I could stay in the hotel that is literally across the street from my training site, but I don't for these reasons. So this time I was determined to stick to it as much as possible.

I'm proud to say I ate out 3 times.
1) lunch yesterday - I was not braving the DOWNPOUR again for a grilled cheese when I knew I could get a decent chicken panini upstairs

2) last night - I had dinner with my DC Sparkie! (Hey B!!) We went to a fabulous sushi restaurant in Chinatown and I gorged myself on sushi and enjoyed every minute of it and I wouldn't ever guilt myself for that

3) dinner tonight...kinda. I walked to the Holiday Market (a street fair where local vendors sell stuff they make in tents along the street and there's live music and little food vendors, etc.) BUT...and that's a HUGE but! I AVOIDED the truffles AND the mini donuts. I got a spinach and cheese empanada because it was dinner time and I was hungry and a couple miles from my hotel and I ate half and then shoved the rest in my pocket.


Last year I had Starbucks every single day, sometimes twice in one day. It's hard when you don't have access to that stuff at home (you can ask hubs how much I gripe that NEITHER town near me has a decent coffee shop ...or ANY coffee shop for that matter! They have these stupid "cafes" that are actually video gambling places and it ticks me off everytime I see them. CAFES SHOULD SERVE COFFEE. CAFE IS FRENCH FOR COFFEE!!! Hell, it's Italian for coffee too but those silly boys and girls put two Fs in it. ;) ) So when I get here and they're on EVERY CORNER... I can't help myself.

BUT I DID THIS TIME. I had Starbucks this morning. A big huge venti Peppermint Mocha Soy No Whip...because that's my favorite drink and I planned to only get one. (That changed late tonight when I was freezing at the market and ordered another one - a grande - but I only drank half of it and tossed the rest. It doesn't count if I don't finish it, right!? ;) )


All in all, this has been a successful trip.

* I saw my B! And we're going to TRY to stay in better contact this time!
* I got some GREAT sushi!
* I limited my Starbucks intake.
* I exercised EVERY SINGLE DAY!
* I nearly made it from Capitol to Monument...almost, but not quite there yet...running!
* I ran the National Mall. (part of it, anyway)
* I got a fist pump in the air from a random stranger.
* I literally walked at least a mile or two every single day. Yesterday it was like 5 miles, today it was 7 or so.
* I ate at my hotel almost every single meal. Granted, I mostly ate grilled cheese and tomato basil soup, but that's better than some of the options the monstorously evil buffet upstairs from my training (NO WAY! I can get that crap at home!)

- I had 3 alcoholic beverages in 5 days. (I know, I'm SO bad. *rolleyes*)
- I didn't drink enough water every day. (I did drink a lot of tea and limited my coffee intake to that one cup in the morning.)
- I am sore ALL OVER. (I actually forced myself into an ice bath after my run today and then - stupidly - went out and walked like 4 miles after that. *sigh*)
- I was bored a LOT.
- I cannot WAIT to go home!!!!!!
- I probably ate too much every single day, but I also worked out way too much too, so maybe it will even out.

Tomorrow the plan is:
- Get up.
- Shower.
- Finish packing (I'm just about there - running clothes have to dry and my jammies and stuff I'll need in the AM need to go in and I'm set).
- Eat large breakfast (hoping this will help me avoid airport temptations).
- Grab some fruit/yogurt/etc for "the road". Once I check out, that well dries up.
- Check out.
- A half day of training.
- Find a cab to the airport. (Shouldn't be too hard, they usually line up outside the hotel across the street.)
- Wait like 6 hours to board a plane and go home. (This part sucks. I'll see if they can swap me to any earlier flight free of charge, but I never expect anything free from an airline anymore these days...still, I'll ask.) The training people always tell us we have to stay until 4pm, but the instructors ALWAYS let out around noon. *sigh* Next time I'm just going to chance it and book a 2pm flight...not nearly 7pm, like I have now. *bangs head on desk*

Dude, I SO can't wait to be back home. The boys promise they've been cleaning while I'm gone, but we shall see. My friend, Andrea, is driving up on Saturday, but if the place is trashed I'll have to put her up in a hotel. Never know what I'm going to find awaiting me after what we've termed "Bachelors' Week" at my house!

But if I learned anything this trip (and it's a stretch thinking I learned anything useful in training other than some people are and always will be pompous, arrogant, self-righteous a-holes), it's that I gots it in me, I just got to gets to it. I'ma go toast me a bagel or eat a piece of toast or make another grilled cheese (using up whatever I have left *lol* is difficult to think I have to throw this stuff away tomorrow...good thing I didn't get much!) and then read myself to sleep. *WAVES*

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ERIN1128 12/9/2011 1:36PM

    Awesome week!

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KKINNEA 12/9/2011 12:43PM

    Sweet trip - you were able to stay on track and get exercise in - a win all the way around!!

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4EVERADONEGIRL 12/9/2011 11:34AM

    Sounds like a very successful trip! Good job on sticking to your plan - you ROCK!

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BAYBELIEVER 12/9/2011 11:09AM

    I think your accomplishments sound awesome! Travel is so hard and you had a plan and stuck to it while not "depriving" yourself of those things that are hard to come by for you at home. And congrats on the fist pump!! Awesome!

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JEREMY723 12/9/2011 8:00AM

    Sounds like you had a really good week. No wonder your sore and your hip hurts. I hope that you have a safe trip back. I tried running in the rain a couple of times now, it's a different feel than running with no rain to me, maybe because I leave the ipod at home.

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BLACK-PRINCESS 12/9/2011 6:32AM


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SARAWALKS 12/8/2011 10:28PM

    AW, you're making me miss DC SO BAD!
I wasn't a runner in DC so I never ran the mall. What a great thing to do!
And you are so smart to be cooking in your room. Excellent. Some great choices all around and I'd never regret the sushi or the alcohol! emoticon emoticon

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PAANDRUS 12/8/2011 9:30PM

    Glad u had such a Great week! Sounds like u planned ahead pretty well~that helps! Have a safe trip home.

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Learning to Love MY Journey

Sunday, December 04, 2011

So, I've been getting some compliments lately on how great I look. After you start losing a considerable amount of weight, you go from getting these all the time, to getting them less and less as people settle into the idea that you're changing. Either that or, like me, you stall out and there's not much to give a positive comment on other than, "Good job not gaining that weight back" which, thankfully, I don't know anyone stupid enough to say that to me.

When I start getting compliments again, it felt good, but I had gone so long without them that I wondered if it was just 'time' or something. You know, that these people around me want to continue to encourage me and it's been long enough that they felt I needed another boost. I didn't think there was much more to it than that.

Maybe I was wrong. When I boarded the little turboprop plane this afternoon bound for DC, I was, of course, hopeful that I'd be able to snap that stupid belt...I didn't have high hopes though. The last time I was in one of these was just this past summer and, let's face it, the scale hasn't declined that much since then. So imagine my pure glee when I heard the darn thing click into place. Not only that, but it wasn't a tight fit...there was wiggle room (though not enough to pull the other end or need to tighten the belt). Back on my summer trip, I learned that while I could fit the belts on the big planes, those turboprops were just mean and small. Today, however, I can't say that any longer. I am a seat belt extender asker NO MORE. I can fit in the seats of the airplanes and buckle the belt.

It's been part of a big lesson I've been learning recently. The true meaning of MY journey. I know we've all talked about how my journey isn't yours and whatever, but I don't think it really hit me until now.

Yesterday morning I met with my nutritionist for our last regularly scheduled visit. She did a kind of recap for me on what she's noticed about me over the past year. The biggest thing she noticed? I don't live in a straight line, and I can't lose weight that way. I have bursts of crazy motivation followed by moments - days or even a week sometimes - of none. I've constantly talked about trying to find balance and trying to stay consistent because I've always realized that these are the two main things I lack the ability to do. My sticker charts are never completed because I simply cannot be 100% 100% of the time.

Now this information is nothing new. It's something that has frustrated me to no end recently and some of you might remember me ranting about it just a few blogs ago - that two steps forward, one step back momentum I've got. Sure, it gets me where I'm going, but it seems like such a stupid way to travel. But sitting there talking to my nutritionist I told her that I was trying so hard to maintain a steady balance and then I said, "But I have to realize that may never happen." She nodded and smiled.

She told me that, for whatever reason, THAT may be the path I end up taking. I still succeed. I still get there, to my goal. Maybe not how I want to get there...maybe not in the straight line that everyone around me seems to have no trouble following, but through some crazy windy road. That's right, I'm taking the scenic route. And while sometimes it drives me completely mental, other times it feels good to me, it feels right - because along the way I have time to dawdle and learn valuable lessons. These are the lessons - I hope - that will help me reach my goal, but will allow me to keep myself there for a very, very long time. It allows me to build a life for myself within the journey, so it's not just about losing weight - it's about creating new habits and reinforcing those that work for me...finding things, healthy things, I can fall back on.

I have to be okay with that. I have to learn to LOVE my own journey for what it is, no matter how much it frustrates me. Because no matter how many times I've thought of, or even said I might be, quitting, I didn't and I won't. It's just not who I am anymore.

Something else I've learned about my habits through our meeting? When I'm working out steadily, everything else falls in place. I eat better, I actually CRAVE healthy foods and cooking. I drink more water. I want to move more. I'm more confident and better able to stay on task. No clue why this is such an important thing for me and why I can't simply cut my calories, not exercise and still lose weight, but, again, that's not how I work. I like to work out. I'm an athlete at heart, and I think I always have been, I've just never given myself the opportunity to harness and encourage and indulge that part of myself.

It's been a good day. Yes, I ate some ice cream (*gasp!* ;) ), but after a very hard night of horrible panic attacks worried about all the things that could go wrong today, so far it has been the smoothest trip I've ever taken. Checked in - no line. Bag paid for. Hugged my boys no less than 3 times each before they headed off. Then boarded my plane without having to wait for forever, had a pretty easy flight in, reading the whole time (and with the excitement of sitting in my belt without assistance!), and then landed and seemed to just...I don't know...go from one thing to another without much trouble. That felt great! I got my bag no problem. I got a taxi with no trouble - and the dude even gave me a receipt without hassle! *lol* Checked in without a single problem (early, I might add!) and went to the store and bought the few items I'll need to make some yummy stuffs in my room. (Grilled cheese and tomato bisque soup, hummus and pita, and pears! Oh, yeah, and the ice cream! *snort*) Now to relax and settle in and get some uninterrupted sleep (no puppies whining and barking!) and then head to class tomorrow. (I just hope the return trip goes just as well.)

And I'm realizing how much I've changed. Not just my weight and my size, but my confidence in everyday life - my ability to face challenges and overcome. My willingness to put myself in difficult situations, so that I can get to where I need to be. My unwillingness to sacrifice who I am and what I want just because it might be a challenge to get there. NSV, much!? ;)

Have a great week everyone! I'll check in when I can. Looking kinda forward to realxing and enjoying this week with the pool...and I can't wait until Tuesday so I can run the National Mall a little tiny bit! :)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    Wow! Good for you! Enjoy your journey. :)

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RUNTRILAUGH 12/6/2011 4:47PM

    What a great blog! First congrats on the tangible success of the buckle! Thats awesome!

Then secondly, congrats on sounding so content - and I mean that in a great way! You sound like you are in a really good place right now, knowing where you need to go and how to get there.


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KKINNEA 12/6/2011 4:43PM

    Can't wait to hear about the National Mall run and love to hear about those NSVs!

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BELLALUCIA 12/5/2011 10:22PM

    How was the visit?

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4EVERADONEGIRL 12/5/2011 8:09PM

    OMG - I think I would have cried when that belt went click!! I wanted to cry FOR YOU out of sheer happiness at what an awesome victory that is!!!! You ROCK girl!

And I have to say - I absolutely LOVE this post! Truly awesome!!!!!!!!! Good job, girlie!!!

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XTMONT 12/5/2011 1:12PM

    I love this! Thanks for sharing!

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 12/5/2011 11:21AM

    First off, I'm glad you had a smooth easy trip out there. Travel can stress me out something major, and with stress comes added weight for me.

Glad you were able to get yoru shopping in too. You are going to do awesome this week without even being home. I just know it.

Emjoy your journey where ever it may lead.

I hope that you get some great sleep while you're out there. No puppy barking or late night potty breakds is going to be nice!

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BAYBELIEVER 12/5/2011 8:58AM

    I am so jealous! Of your no longer needing an extender and of your positive-ness in this blog. I will take some cues from you on how to learn to be awesome! Those little voices are talking back to me now and trying to take that away from me.

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CALLA68 12/5/2011 8:17AM

    That seatbelt clicking must feel wonderful-I look forward to that one day :)

I totally understand your "two steps forward, one step back". I am the same way-it is so frustrating! But you obviously have made so much progress and had great success-it gives me hope :)

Congrats and may you have continued success in reaching all your goals!

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BLACK-PRINCESS 12/5/2011 7:40AM


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EUPHRATES 12/4/2011 11:14PM

    You're doing great, and wow...yeah, those are some great NSVs! FWIW, I'm apparently a meanderer too, and the forward, backward, forward drives me bats. Good to know I'm not alone in that!
emoticon emoticon

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SARAWALKS 12/4/2011 7:26PM

    emoticon very happy for you! emoticon emoticon

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DEBADEAU 12/4/2011 6:57PM

    Amazing! I always have a fear of getting on the plane and having to ask for an extender belt. I haven't gotten there in my life yet, but it was a VERY tight squeeze last time I had to travel. Keep it up!

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November Recap/December Goals

Friday, December 02, 2011


Weight November 1st: 306.4
Weight Goal for December 1st: 299.9
Actual Weight for December 1st: 307.8
Loss/Gain in November: +1.4 pounds

I hate that. I hate that it doesn't show all the hard work I put in the first part of November because I lost it all around Thanksgiving between emotional stress and stress at work and another momentum just died and I undid all my hard work. *sigh* I remember I being at 302...I remember how exciting it felt to be SO close...and then... *sigh*

This is NOT acceptable. I need to get my shiz together like NOW.

I go to see the Chiro today, but I can't assume he'll just fix all my problems and I'll be perfect again. It's going to take hard work. It's going to be a month of painful workouts and icing my body and trying to move forward. I need to be more focused on my eating habits if I'm going to fall apart every night when it comes to working out.

Next week I'll be in DC for training. My plan is to walk, run, or otherwise exercise in their fitness center every single day, even if just for 20 minutes. May even try to locate my bathing suit so I can swim too and visit the hot tub. As far as food is concerned, I'm going to cook/prepare most of it myself. When I go out I'm going to try to be conscious of what I'm getting and what hidden calories it might contain. There are only 2 (types of) restaurants I'd like to eat at this time: some great sushi and a vegetarian/vegan place I found online, if I can find my way there...just so I can try some vegetarian/vegan dishes and expand my horizons in that regard.

I have to admit, I never signed up for the 3 Charleston races I wanted to do. Partly because of the injury making me worry, but mostly because of cost. As much as I'd love to be able to sign up for a dozen or more races, I just don't have the funds right now to even consider it. Hubs is working now, so that might change soon, but we'll have to wait and see. It may hinder my ability to sign up for the half too...who knows. *sigh*

This week has been insane at work too. Our work is having a celebration of 50 years of service -- 50 years ago a bill was signed into law in WV that formed the agency I work at and allowed us to do the great work we do. Because they know I've done a lot in regards to events like this, I got pulled in - which meant I had to do MY job, plus my old job all at the same time, and juggling that has been uber difficult. I have to go in after my appointment today in order to finish up as much as I possibly can before I leave for DC on Sunday. And since my other work (you know, my ACTUAL job) has been piling up behind me, I'll have to take some of that to DC with me and see what I can get done there so I don't miss my projected goal for the month of December (we're supposed to finish 3 cases a I need to really get pounding on those).

I don't know if I mentioned this, but we also got a new puppy a few weeks ago. He's adorable, but training him has taken a fair amount of time from all of us. Taking him out a million times, training him not to bite/chew the wrong things, playing with him to wear him out so he'll sleep in his kennel each night (this one we've got down already! yay!).

Last night was the first night this week that I went to the gym and worked out. I did 35 minutes on the elliptical in an interval program and burned a fair bit of calories. Of course, I then ate over my allotted calories. See, THAT needs to stop. I gotta get my butt into gear because I WILL be in the 200s by the end of this month. Period. This morning I was 306.4, so I've got some work to do...but it's doable if I fight for it.

1500-1700 calories
No more binging at night
Lots of water
Working out as much as possible without reinjuring myself
Run when I can (haven't run since T'giving day)
Bike when I can't run
Do whatever else when I can't stand to bike

I'm resetting my ticker today because I need to start from today, not lament over the damage I did after a couple weeks of insanity. Funny, the holidays didn't get to me, the stress of everything else was more of a problem than anything. Family issues, injury, new pup, new job for Hubs, more work for me. Stress, stress, stress. As they say in Anastasia, "Stress, it's a killer."

December 2-3
Get through the week. Get as much done at work as possible, and then hand it over and trust that there are other people qualified to do it, even if it's not to MY standards. I've done the best I've can with the short time I was given after it was thrown at me. I can't do everything. When today is done, I need to let it go and go home and do laundry and pack for DC. I leave Sunday. I want to be back at 305 or under by Sunday if possible.

December 4-10
I'll be undergoing my 4th week of training. Not sure what that will entail, really, but I'm going to try to get as much out of it as I can. Also need to get done a little bit of real work while I'm there so as not to fall behind completely. I have hit my goal the past 2 months (or exceeded it) and I'm not about to lose momentum now...especially after the glowing evaluation I got the other day. I also need to use this week to rejuvenate my spirit and my will to succeed. I won't have other distractions (family, puppy, other pets, etc.) so I should be able to devote this week to doing what I need to do to get my head, my heart, and my body back into the game. Then I'll come home (hopefully) with a renewed spirit and will triumph on. I hope to come back having lost at least 2 pounds...which is always hard to do when traveling. But I CAN do it if I focus on making my own meals, drinking a lot of water, hitting my calorie goals, and working out. That should put me right back around the 302 mark. I may also have an old friend coming to visit. I'm trying not to stress over this...or over the uncertainty of her plans. What happens, happens. I'll have to just go with it.

December 11-17
It's the week of our event, so I'm sure things are going to pop up, but after Tuesday it will all be done and I'll be free to focus on doing the same old same old. It's funny how bored I feel when I do that for a while, and then how much I crave it when I'm forced to switch gears and put myself into overdrive to complete other tasks. I had better be ready to close 1-2 cases by the end of that week, so I need to make sure the focus isn't lost. And I've got to hit the gym like nobody's business. Work on ST, on cardio, on circuits, on whatever it takes to burn the calories I need to get myself back to where I want to be. I need to be nearing the 300 mark by the end of this week.

December 18-24
The final surge before Christmas. Part of me secretly wants my 299 by Christmas...a Christmas present to myself. And I'll do whatever I can to get me there. But that doesn't mean I can slack off. I learned this week that you can do all you can for two weeks, but then if you slack off at the end of the month, you end up with the results like I'm seeing above. I don't want that. AT ALL. I want a considerable loss for the month. I want to renew and recharge for the end of the year and make 2011 something I can be really proud of. That will take WORK. At work I need to be ready to close out my final cases, so I have to keep focused on that. At the gym I have to be focused on burning calories and building strong muscles. And I need to always focus on my calorie goals. This has been my main weakness thus far. I've got to challenge my body to accept less and challenge my mind to know that it doesn't mean I'll be hurting my body or starving. I don't need that late night snack. I don't need a cookie. I need to stay focused. I need to be really close, if not AT already my 299 goal.

December 25-31
The final push. The last chance workout time. Stay focused. End 2011 with a bang. Make all the kids jealous of my winning spirit. Smile a lot and enjoy it. I WILL be at 298 by the end of the week. You hear that? I WILL BE AT OR UNDER 298 BY THE END OF THE WEEK. Now what do I need to get me there?

Eat less
Exercise more
Stay focused
And NEVER quit...not even for a second

Here we go...the final push, the last 30 days to make something happen for 2011. I don't plan on wasting them.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PAMAZON 12/2/2011 7:12PM

    Backsliding sucks! I'm ready to kick backslide in the back side. ;) No matter the reason, it happens to all of us now and then. But we know better than to let it go for more than a few weeks! Let's get get get it!!!!

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BLACK-PRINCESS 12/2/2011 4:44PM


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ERIN1128 12/2/2011 12:02PM

    Hang in there. I have found that there is a fine line between motivating yourself by signing up for 5ks, and adding to the pressure and stress life already brings by trying to fit them into your schedule! One day at a time...

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BAYBELIEVER 12/2/2011 9:51AM

    You can do it! Enjoy DC! And walk, walk, walk as much as you can! He come the 200s! For good!

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 12/2/2011 8:57AM

    emoticon emoticon

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SARAWALKS 12/2/2011 7:53AM

    STRESS. It IS a killer, how well I know...
Been fighting much the same, all the CD promo seems like an extra job & pretty much adds up to that...but it will not last forever and WE CAN DO IT!
Hang tight, kitty... emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ELRIDDICK 12/2/2011 7:51AM

  Thanks for sharing

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Haven't Attacked Much...

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

...but the couch. My hip is KILLING me lately. I've tried staying off of it the past couple days but that's just not working. All I have to do is get through to Friday when I get my adjustment (and probably a stern talking to from the chiro for messing everything up again). This is putting everything up in the air and I'm P.O.ed beyond belief because this time last year I was having similar problems keeping me from running (I remember because I had great dreams of running the National Mall nearly every day...I did, but it nearly killed me and as soon as I got back all my problems really got started).

So, I'm focusing alright...on my Christmas list. And my eating. And anything and everything else so I don't have another mental breakdown about stupid injuries and stupid pelvises that are askewed (and the oh, so lovely thoughts in my head about why THAT might have happened). I can't help but get annoyed sometimes. Annoyed at myself. Annoyed at this body. I keep hearing everyone compliment me on my committment and I wonder if they realize how many times a day I consider just giving up.

Let's face it. You all have seen my face for a little over a year now. But this "journey" or whateverthefluck you want to call it has been going on since 2004. Sure, I wasn't consistent the whole time. But all that time fighting and still being here, still DREAMING of the 200's. *growls* SO ANNOYING! I feel like a failure most days. Eight years and THIS is what I have to show for it? It's ridiculous and I'm pissed at myself for not doing better.

I'm pissed that I can't seem to eat like a friggin' bird like some people who do it seemlessly. Why the fluck does my body think 1200-1500 calories is some sort of weird murder/suicide plot I have going on? Why is my body SO insistent upon taking this SOOOOOOOO SLOOOOOOOOW?! WTF, dude? Just give me a little, for crying out loud!

I know, I's all up to me. I've got to do the work. Don't you think I tell myself that all the time? Yet it's me who is ruining all my hard work, and me who feels guilty afterward. It's me constantly feeling like it's me against the world. Me who is constantly drudging herself up this neverending hill just to reach a tiny foothold and get smashed back down again. Always churning - never getting anywhere. THIS is why I don't write the story of my life...because it would look ridiculously odd. Look, I did all this work, I fought and fought and after blood, sweat and tears....oh, crap...I'm right back where I started again. I'm the constant neverending joke in my own mind.

Okay, before you all get angry at me for being so negative, let me tell you that, for me, sometimes the negativity is a tool. When I hop on here with this inspirational, "I'm going to do this!!!" RAWR type post...I crash and burn. It's me against me again. Whatever. I've tried fighting it for years. I'll never win and always win. It's constant up and down. And at least, if you look at it over time (like a LOOONG time) I am actually getting's just ridiculously slow going. And I'm not just talking about my weight loss, but life in general. I'm having the same talks and arguments with people in my life I thought understood where I was coming from. WTF?! Not listening? Don't care? Don't get it? What is it? I'm having the same damn talks with myself too.

I know what I need to do. I do. And I do it about 85% of the time. It's the other (crap, I'm no good at math...) 15% (right?) of the time that's killing my progress. Two steps forward, one step back. Still moving forward, but it's frustrating as hell.

So I'm not coming on here to tell you all I'm going to be 100% brag about how I CAN do it because I HAVE done it. WTF ever, dude. I'm going to tell you that I'm a friggin' mess right now, but I'm just barreling through and doing the best I can because there doesn't seem to be any other least not for me. I got this, and I don't. I'm here, and I'm not. I'm a good friend, and a sucky one. I'm the perfect daughter, and the perfect example of a mother's worse nightmare. It's kinda amazing how I can be so many friggin' people at once, right?! Yeah, if you lived inside my head you would've shot me by now. I promise. I give myself so much grief and demand so much of myself, and then let everyone walk all over me and wonder why I end up getting hurt. I'm my own worst friggin' nightmare and enemy and my own best friend.

What I will tell you is that I walked to the market today. I haven't done that in so long. And I got Stuffed Pepper Soup, which is low fat and friggin' amazing and full of vegetables and chock full of yummy stuff like antioxidants. And I can tell you that I was extremely happy that the cupcake bakery next to my market was CLOSED and that I ignored the chicken salad in favor of my soup and a spinach salad with strawberries, oranges, cranberries, feta, and almonds (though I'll be picking out the onions - YUCK!). And I can tell you that, in my weak financial state, I didn't even spend a dime on lunch today because I finally used the gift certificate my friend gave me MONTHS ago. So that's what I can tell you. That and - my hip hurts, my head hurts (probably from the hip pain), my knees are screaming at me (because the hips are off), and I just want to crawl in a hole somewhere, but I don't know how to do that (though I've tried) because I hate myself for it.

Yep. That's all I gots. The plan for tonight is to do a 45 minute circuit training at the gym. Strike that. The plan is to GO to the gym and swipe my card and maybe change into my workout clothes and maybe walk up stairs and maybe turn on the program and see what I can do. That's the plan. It's a crappy one, but it's all I can commit to right now. That and spending the rest of my time wishing the pains would go away and wishing I could sleep for days on end. Yep. Later. Peace out and all that jazz.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BAYBELIEVER 12/1/2011 7:29PM

    Yep. Been there. Done that. And will again. But remember, you still do keep coming back. Sometimes angry. Sometimes mad. Sometimes excited. And just coming back keeps you being "AWESOME". Probably not something you want to hear. And neither do I. But, that is what people keep telling me: "You have to know how awesome it is that you are doing this and making it happen." How many people don't even try? I go to the gym with "skinnier" people who don't want to give up their sugar or soy or flour. They want a pill. Sure, it wouldn't be bad. But in the long run, WE are working hard for this, and that DOES matter. Because we both are pretty darn AWESOME!!

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BLACK-PRINCESS 12/1/2011 7:20AM


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    So I'm sure you are well aware of every single stretch for you hips, but maybe not and I thought I should share.

The other day, I was saying to my friend that's a runner how my hip started to hurt and she made me do this stretch that felt LIKE HEAVEN!

It's pretty easy and I'm not sure why I didn't discover it sooner...

So you simply cross your legs while standing upright and lean over to one side without bending your knees or anything. The only bending should come from your middle. If you cross your right foot over your left, then you bend towards your left. If you cross your left over your right, then you bend towards your right. Hold you right hand (if you're bending right) straight down and reach towards the floor.

Seriously, it will feel soooo good!

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SARAWALKS 11/29/2011 8:09PM

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JEREMY723 11/29/2011 8:04PM

    So sorry that your hip is giving you such problems Ester. Are there excercises you could do with just your upper body? Just a thought. You're on the right course!

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ONCEUPONADREAM 11/29/2011 6:01PM

    You know, we're all messes in some form or another! :)

Hear where you are coming from. I started seriously five years ago, and it's taken me that long to get here. But you know, time is really relative when you consider that you are HERE. You didn't put on the weight, you kept it off and lost more. It's going. And it is going to KEEP going as long as you can lift your head to fight. Which is exactly what you are doing. How much farther you go when you fight is up to you.

I've been stalling a lot lately myself, and find that when I do it is usually a motivational issue. It needs to be renewed on a pretty constant basis for me, and when I don't, my progress halts. Also doesn't help I am trying to fix my metabolism from the crazy psycho mode I put it in some months back, but you know, it is what it is. It's getting there. Eventually.

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4EVERADONEGIRL 11/29/2011 4:37PM

    To say that I somewhat understand where you are coming from is an understatement! And I don't even have the reason of pain that is keeping me from doing what I *should* be doing. It's just pure self destruction and mayhem based on laziness and a total lack of willpower.

But what I HAVE done is not go to See's candy and pig out on a pound of chocolate all by myself while hiding in the closet. I HAVE gone running and am finally getting on track with my half training that is only two months away. I HAVE not eaten every single snack I brought today well before it was time. :-)

See, we may sabotage ourselves, but sometimes we get it right and we need to celebrate those just as much as we beat ourselves up. Right? Well, that's my story and I'm stickin' with it!!!!

Hang in there girlie...I'd like to say it gets easier, but this isn't either of our first rodeo. But I can say that we got your back and if need be, we will pick you up and carry you when you're feeling like you can't go on anymore!!!!!


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ERIN1128 11/29/2011 4:30PM

    One of the things I love about you is your honesty...if you posted every day about how easy it is, I would be completely turned off and hate you, LOL! Hang in there and keep fighting the good fight...we're all right there with you.

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GOGOSHIRE 11/29/2011 2:53PM

    Sorry you are having so much pain. I hope it subsides soon and that you feel better. xo

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Post Thanksgiving Plan of Attack

Sunday, November 27, 2011

So glad that's over. Well, sorta. Having Thanksgiving at home today with my Hubs and the boys (turkey took all day yesterday to thaw in cold water, but is now safely in the oven). The scale had me at 302.6 at first weigh-in this morning. (Of course, since then it's been saying 306 *face/palm*) Either way, I'm excited for a week of normalcy before I head out to DC for another week of training.

Even if I am at 306 after the madness that was this week, that only puts me 8 pounds off my goal, and 5 weeks to get it off. It's time for major focus and work, here. I didn't run yesterday in hopes that the hip would heal up a little more. Still a twinge sore, but I feel it healing...and I have a chiro appointment on Friday which should help as well. I did, however, do over 8 miles on the stationary bike, really pushing through some intervals at level 12, some even standing. It burned a good bit of calories while still allowing my hip some rest time.

Workouts will be key this week, as will healthy eating. Yes, I have cheesy potatoes cooking right now, but I can be conscious of how much I'm eating and only eat small portions of my favorites throughout the week. (I can't tell you how much I'm craving salads right now!)

Sunday - I want to get a walk in. I usually rest on Mondays but I want to give the hip a little encouragement and want to get our big dog out there for some walking fun.
Monday - I'm going to try to get my 2 miles in, even if I have to walk some of it. May also try to get some extra workout time in on the elliptical or rowing machine.
Tuesday - Circuit training round 45 minutes long. This counts as cardio and ST and makes me work hard, but not overdo it.
Wednesday - Speedwork. I'm going to try to get my legs to move a little faster this week, even if it's only for a few minute long bursts.
Thursday - I plan to do something light. Some yoga, a walk. Just move a bit even on my "rest" day.
Friday - Circuit training round 30 minutes. Gotta save some for Saturday and my adjustment may throw me off a bit.
Saturday - The plan is for 6 miles, but we'll have to play it by ear. What I don't put in as miles on the road I'll make up for with miles on the bike.

Then I fly out Sunday for DC. Every workout I do here can be done there because I know my hotel has a great fitness area. Plus, they have a hot tub where I can give my muscles some therapy and a pool where I can switch things up just a bit as long as there aren't kids crowding the area.

I'm actually looking forward to this DC trip because I've basically done all the touristy stuff already. Washington Monument? Yeah, seen it. Air and Space museum? I can basically give you a guided tour now. Instead I'll be focusing on exploring the other parts with my legs either running or walking. I'm hoping it won't be too cold this year. Last year I had to deal with high winds and got some wicked leg chaffing from the wind whipping my jeans on the front of my legs as I walked. The only things touristy-wise I'd like to see ...well, basically all there is left is finding my way to the Jefferson Memorial again. Each time I've been there in the past 2 years I can't seem to find my way there or I get worn out before I get that far. We'll see how I do this time and if I decide to try to make the trek or if I just save it for my last week of training (probably some time next spring or summer).

And the only food I'm looking forward to there? I am bound and determined to find some great sushi restaurant while I'm there. The rest of the time I'm going to try to make fresh meals at my hotel (which has a small kitchen in every room and a Safeway a few blocks away). I'm laying off the Starbucks this time. Unnecessary cost to get one of these every single day, sometimes twice a day. I'll probably indulge once or twice, but that's it. The hotel has free coffee, so I'll be using that instead and trying to stick to the same 2 cups a day I have here at home.

I have got to maintain focus. Just 8 pounds and I'll be under 300 for the first time in a very, very, very long time. And, let's be honest for a second, that is the ONLY thing I want for Christmas this year. That's all I want to end this year with. I want to reach my goal, and that will mean maintaining focus. Thanksgiving is my weakness, not Christmas. Sure, people like to pull out the sweets, but even my teeth now protest when I try to indulge too much in those things, so I'm going to stay away. Nothing that someone brings by this year is impossible for me to make at another time, when I'm not in such a push to get to this goal. It's not the last cookie in the world, even if it's the last one in the dish. I don't need it. I need 298.

I'm ready to fit into a new jean size. I'm ready to see this belly shrink. I'm ready to wear a sexy new outfit in a sexy new size to bring in the New Year with a bang. I'm ready to start feeling good about myself again. Not because I'm thinner, but because I have pride in the fact that I'm working hard toward my goal and maintaining focus. I get more self-confidence from sticking to it than I do from any number on the scale. When I know I'm doing good things for my body and health, I hold my head higher and no scanty look from a passerby touches me in a negative way because I know how hard I'm working.

Three weeks until my next gym weigh in.
Four full weeks until Christmas.
And five full weeks until the end of this year and the start of the next.

Screw New Years Resolutions, I have made always resolutions for myself, and it's time to start focusing on them again.

Also - If I'm doing those 3 Charleston races, I have to sign up this week. Deadline is Friday. First race is December 10th, the day after I get back from DC. (My friend is coming in that weekend too, so I still have a lot of cleaning ahead of me to get this house ready as Hubs had zero time to do anything while I was in SC.) Let's face it, I'm terrified with my hip hurting the way it does. I know May is MONTHS away, but OMG, I do not want to fully embarrass myself in front of people I grew up with. It's funny, though. Everyone keeps telling me, "If anyone can do it, you can." What is that? I like that people think of me as someone who will go after and stick to a goal, but I can't help but feel a little pressure with that. What does that even mean, anyhow?

Okay, Esther. Focus. Keep your eye on the goal. Nothing you experience or taste, no lazy rest day will feel as good to you as seeing that special number on the scale and knowing you worked hard to get there will feel. I've got this.

If anyone can do it, I can, right?! emoticon

Five weeks.
1500-1800 calories per day.
2500 calories burned per week.
Stamina. Drive. Focus.
Lots of water.
Lots of love for yourself.
Plenty of ice and ice baths and warm showers.
Remember who you are. Remember how far you've come. And know that you've got this. You can do this. You've made it this's time to break through that "impossible" wall and see what's on the other side.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 11/28/2011 10:43PM

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4EVERADONEGIRL 11/28/2011 2:19PM

    You've got this!!!! Laser precision focus, baby!!! You can do it!!!

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DETERMINED_SOUL 11/28/2011 11:55AM


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HEALTH-E-CLARE 11/28/2011 11:21AM

    YOU CAN DO THIS. You have a great plan for this week and while in DC (congrats on getting that all squared away before you even leave!)

We are going to have an awesome end to 2011 weight wise, I can feel it.

I hope the hip is feeling better today, and hoping you have a nice 2 nmile run.

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BLACK-PRINCESS 11/27/2011 4:02PM


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CHICAT63 11/27/2011 3:49PM

    Woohoo, you can & will get there for Christmas. The 290s are just around the corner !

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JEREMY723 11/27/2011 1:34PM

    Sounds like you have a great plan, and great alternatives if your hip is causing problems. Have a great week!

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EUPHRATES 11/27/2011 10:45AM

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ERIN1128 11/27/2011 10:37AM

    Great plan - you WILL do this!

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ERIN1128 11/27/2011 10:36AM

    Great plan - you WILL do this!

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