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Goal Met

Saturday, October 29, 2011

I was a bit surprised that I got everything done yesterday that I wanted to do.

The Plan:
- Chiro
- McD's breakfast for Hubs (but NOT for me!)
- Shopping at Old Navy (needed new compression running pants, shirts for Logan and pants for Ethan and they were having a big sale)
- Panera for lunch
- Circuit Training workout
- Meeting/weigh-in at the Gym (with hopes to get under 310)
- Football practice for Ethan

Chiro appointment went well. He told me to ice it later because I'd be sore, and boy was he right! I went without Hubs, but picked him up his 2 Sausage Biscuits and Coffee from McDonald's. I, however, was a good girl and ate my bagel before my appointment and didn't submit to any McD's food temptation.

The Old Navy shopping trip went well too. My couponing/sale techniques came in handy and between the 30-40% off sale, shopping only clearance (besides my running pants) and a $25 rewards cash coupon we had, I got 3 shirts for Logan, 2 pairs of pants for Ethan (1 pair of jeans, 1 pair of cool cargos with skulls on them), and my $30 running pants all for $10.14! I actually spent MORE money on lunch than on clothes! *lol*

Panera, as always, was a great, healthy treat. I even resisted while Hubs ate my favorite Cinnamon Crunch bagel in front of me and stuck to my Thai Chopped Salad with some Black Bean soup. NOM!

By the time we got home, I had about an hour and a half before I needed to head to the gym. I grabbed my ice pack and headed to bed to rest for a bit, telling Hubs to wake me up at 2:30pm if I fell asleep. Within seconds I was conked out completely. I slept until 3pm and then finally dragged myself up and headed out the door to the gym.

My Fighter Fit circuit training went great. I'm getting much better each and every time and as I learn the moves I don't have to watch the demos to understand what its telling me to do. Some of my favorite ladies walked in as I was finishing up again and asked me if I wanted to work out with them. Surprisingly I told them that if I didn't have an appointment downstairs I probably would have. They said I could join them anytime and I think if they're there next week and I feel good I'll jump in on that action. As I was walking out of the room, one of the three ladies said, "I don't know if I can do this..." I turned around and said, "Of course you can! If I can do it, you can!" She thanked me and they all laughed and kept going with their workout. :) I'm not sure what she said to me but it was something about being motivating for her, I think. :)

I went downstairs, hurried to potty, and then hopped on the scale nervously. I took a deep breath and looked at the scale's readout just saying to myself over and over, "Just under 310. Under 310 is all I need." Up pops 304.something. I nearly bounced up and down. Cissy was looking at my past readout saying, "Let's see here, so we're trying to beat..." and I interrupted her and said, "Oh, we beat it." with this huge dopey grin on my face. Pounded it to the ground, I did. We talked for a few minutes. she said I lost 2 inches off my waist too. I told her about the circuit training app and she said she'd pass it on to other clients. I told her how amazing I felt when I was done with them and she just smiled. I told her I've gone back to cooking more at home and that I have a sneaky suspicion that I was trying too hard to eat too little and that I'm testing a theory right now that if I eat around 2k calories and burn 500, I'll end up with a 1k deficit for the day and lose my 2 pounds each week. "So far, so good!" I told her.

Ethan's football practice ticked me off. They made my kid stand there and do basically nothing, in the rain and 40 degree temps. Thankfully they only kept them for an hour and I drove my freezing boy straight to Pizza Hut for dinner. Yes, I ate 2 pieces of pizza last night and a breadstick, but I felt alright about it. I had been pretty darn good all day and I stopped when I was full. Plus, the only snacks I'd had all day were a banana and a protein drink between my workout and football practice.

Of course, I was exhausted by the time we made it home...and then Hubs surprised me with his need for me to pick out clothes for his interview today. *sigh* (Why do men always wait until the last damn minute!?) We ended up having to run out again to get him something "professional" and he looked great when he left a few minutes ago. Only thing he's missing is a tie pin/tack and a sports coat/suit jacket, but we did the best we could with the WalMart supplies. I wished him luck this morning and sent him off with a kiss.

I'm still wondering how I hit 304 at the gym last night. I think it was a perfect combination of sleep + workout + good food all day. I wasn't even all that dehydrated according to the readout so it wasn't all water weight. This morning I got 307, which was about a half a pound down from yesterday morning's weigh in. Still, I was so friggin' close to the 200s that I got a little tingle down my spine. Next month I hope to have a repeat performance and end up under 300. We shall see.

I can't always count on the scale doing what I want it to do. Most times, actually, I'm at a loss for what's really happening with it, but if I find that perfect equation of calories in v. calories out I should be able to find my consistency again. Going to keep this 2k in v. 500 out going for a week or two and see if that's what I need to make it happen. Used to be that 1600 calories was my "sweet spot" but I'm working out harder than every and, likely, burning more calories than I ever was before so it stands to reason that my body would need a little more to keep up with the running all week and circuit training and Zumba.

Speaking of Zumba. *sigh* It still hurts to do...and while that makes me a little sad (at the beginning of the year I had every intention of becoming certified), I'm wondering if I need it in my life right now. I've been doing it just once a week, and I'm wondering if I cut it out and substitute another round of my circuit training if I might feel better as far as my back is concerned. Maybe I'll be able to go back to Zumba eventually, but for right now it just about kills my back every single time I try...and that just about sidelines me every single week. Maybe I'll try the new workout plan this week and see how it goes.

Plan for Today:
- Run 3-4 miles when Hubs gets back with my phone. Thank goodness I got pants and have my long sleeved running shirt because it's COLD out today! Keep hoping the sun will come out.
- Cleaning. Got some stuff still to catch up on around the house. Kitchen, living room, laundry, all the regular (boring) stuff.
- Trick-or-Treat tonight from 6-8pm. It'll be a good long walk for Hubs and I if it's not raining.

Workout Plan for Next Week:
Sunday - Yoga/Stretching
Monday - Easy Run
Tuesday - Circuit Round 1
Wednesday - Speedwork
Thursday - Yoga/Stretching
Friday - Circuit Round 2
Saturday - 4 mile run

*It has been weeks since I actually got in an "easy" run. Weeks! On Wednesday I decided that I miss having running be fun and not just a challenge. I love the freedom of an "easy" run where I don't think about how far I'm going or how far I need to go or how fast I need to be running...I just go until I'm tired and remind my legs of the run and have fun with it. I NEED this in my life, so I'm really going to make it a point to try to get this EASY run in!

Last month's gym weigh-in: 316.2
This month's gym weigh-in: 304.4 (I think)
Weight Lost This Month: 11.8 pounds!
Mama LIKE! :)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FROGGERHKC 10/30/2011 11:02AM

    Congrats on your amazing loss this month! You are doing awesome!!!

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SHEILA1505 10/30/2011 8:59AM

    Well done - and yes, if Zumba lays you out for a week, it's time to listen to your body. It's sad though but there's so many other things to do.

Hope DH has some good news

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MIQUEY73 10/29/2011 1:47PM

    You are rocking it! emoticon

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COCOMAC7 10/29/2011 1:16PM

    Yay!!! Great progress girl. YOu are doing everything you need to and it's paying off! You rock

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SPUNKYDUCKY 10/29/2011 12:59PM

    Congratulations! I hope you have a wonderful weekend and that you don't have as much snow down there as we have up here in the North - belch! Looking forward to Halloween though!

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MANLEYSANDY 10/29/2011 12:55PM

    You are amazing!!

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CHICAT63 10/29/2011 12:38PM

    Wow, totally awesome on your weigh-in, gym time and shopping ! All the best of luck to Hubs for his interview today:). You are doing great !!!! Here is to a terrific November and you totally got this. emoticon

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SARAWALKS 10/29/2011 11:13AM

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RADFEN 10/29/2011 10:16AM

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 10/29/2011 10:04AM

    OMG This blog is just what I needed to start my day out. I'm like this emoticon for you.

I hope you have many more days like this in the future.

Fingers are crossed for the hubs!

Sorry to hear about Zumba and the pain, but I think you are right to give it up if it's causing so much pain and sidelining you from working on your goals.

Congats on the 11.8 lbs this month. I knew all that hard work would pay off.

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BLACK-PRINCESS 10/29/2011 10:04AM

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This Feels Weird...

Friday, October 28, 2011

So while I struggle to see 2011 as a success in terms of actual weight lost, I realized the other day that this has been a year of tremendous self-improvement on another level.

9/1/06
I started my first day at my job, as a Receptionist working the front desk. It didn't pay that well (I would've KILLED for a teacher's salary!) but it was steady work. Within months, though, I was already looking ahead toward making my mark and moving up the ladder...not always an easy thing to do in State government work.

2/1/07
Six months later, I moved up to a job as Secretary I. The job wasn't all that clearly defined. It had formerly been a job as a Secretary in the legal department, but since we'd moved from having 3 judges to just two, and as we already had 2 legal secretaries, the job changed. I wasn't quite sure what I would be doing, and the job changed rapidly throughout the period I worked it. It changed because of my ability and the willingness I had to do more. I went from mailing invitations for our annual awards luncheon to, by the last year we did it, basically running the whole she-bang. I directed the Governor's security, the press, the honorees and guests at that event. I was there to do whatever was necessary, and was told I had done well.

In the time I spent holding that Secretary I title I worked as a legal secretary when our Chief Judge's secretary (my new bestie) left for greener pastures (by that I mean she went private sector and got a raise *lol*). I spent a couple months fielding calls from attorneys and writing orders and sending certified documents from the Chief ALJ. When I wasn't doing that I was helping to plan, organize, and design literature and posters for outreach events. I was good at that and I loved it. For the last few years, I was asked to help alleviate a backlog of complaints that needed to be written up into a formal, legal document. I started learning how preliminary investigation worked, and how to determine jurisdictional issues. Many times I was called in to work parts of the Executive division, helping tidy up personnel issues, acting as Secretary for meetings, and doing what needed to be done to make things better.

Basically, I felt like the woman holding the fire extinguisher, helping to put out fires wherever they arose. I joked about what jobs I *hadn't* done in this position (anything financial! *lol* I told them long ago not to allow me near numbers...I was creative, and they didn't want a "creative" budget). And I did most of that while attending school full-time for my BA in English. I also know full well that I was being groomed...and that's a weird feeling in itself. It's positive, because it meant someone (my ED) saw something in me that was bound for better things. So she increasingly released her grasp on me and let me have at it, let me learn more about the biz and what we did on a regular basis. I got used to saying, "I'm not sure what the answer to that question is, but I'll find out and get back to you." And I always got back to them understanding more about our process and how things worked.

2/14/11
Then, on Valentine's Day of all days, I was promoted to Investigator. They gave me a badge and some authority to work on my own and make important decisions in the lives of the public. It was scary and daunting and I still to this day go back and say, "I want you to check my work" because I don't want to tell someone no when it could be yes. I think a lot of our Investigators have lost touch with the importance of what we do, how our decisions can change people's lives, can confirm or deny the feelings of hurt and mistreatment they've experienced. Sometimes our job is easy and the lines are clearly defined, someone clearly crosses them and we can make a quick decision to send it on to the next level. But, in most cases, it's not as clear cut as all that. We have to read between the lines, get in the heads of the people we're dealing with, be a good judge of character, and not get swept away in the story we're being told.

Once again, I've been floated around between departments. I've learned both sides because my work has learned to expect from me that I will go where I'm needed. And as confusing as it can be for me sometimes, it's also very exciting to not feel limited by "well, I don't work in that department." I'm not perfect. Far from. I get nervous about the decisions I make sometimes. Sometimes I'm a little slow to get to the decision because I'm afraid of its magnitude. Thank GOODNESS I always have someone willing to check my work!

But none of this is strange to me. This is what I do. I adapt and learn. I have *always* loved learning. Very few things form a barrier in my mind where I think, "Nope. Can't learn that. Not what I'm good at." and I let it go without trying. (Geometry is one. Do not put a triangle in front of me or I get a stupid look on my face and my eyes bug out of my head. I don't GET geometry and firmly believe that no amount of time spent on it will make me understand it.) Also, I must credit my mother for always teaching me the value of working hard and constantly trying to improve. And teaching me the most valuable lesson of all when it comes to business, "Make yourself invaluable to the company."

None of this feels weird. What does feel weird is that I keep getting compliments from the most unlikely sources. Both our judges (including our new ED) have complimented me on my work and work ethic (the ED did it in front of the entire staff, which made me incredibly nervous). All of my supervisors have done the same. Even the attorney who works with us has gone out of her way on several occasions to thank me for the work I'm doing and tell me how great it is. And then yesterday, I get approached by one of our Supervisors who tells me that my direct supervisor informed her that *I* was the one who should be the "face" of the department on an outreach/training program. And I about crapped my pants. I still don't know what I'm doing in this new department 100% (I just moved to this new department full-time in June/July). I almost said, "Are you SURE?!" But I just nodded and smiled and took it as another challenge. And, as I told Hubs, I'm going to practice my, "I don't know the answer to that, but I'll find out and get back to you." speech. *lol*

The other day, after my second compliment of the day, and one that came from one of the most unlikely sources, a guy who rarely gives compliments freely, I thought to myself, "This feels weird. It's almost TOO easy." I snapped myself out of it. I refuse to get comfortable. I refuse to think I have all the answers. Too much is riding on what I think and say and I don't want to stop being the girl who has someone else check her work. I don't want to stop considering the importance of what we're doing here and get comfortable with just handing down judgements. (One reason why I think I probably could NEVER be a judge.)

So, while this year has been the struggle of all struggles in terms of pounds lost on the scale, I'm going to take this year as a win. I'm going to keep fighting and keep ignoring the compliments. I know it sounds incredibly stupid, but I do NOT want to be someone who think she has it all figured out. I want to continue to learn and understand and grow. I want to never stop trying to be invaluable to the people around me. And I NEVER want to stop helping people and get to a place where, "I'm just doing my job." and "That's not in my job description." become regular mantras of my life. Ain't gonna happen. I'm going to continue to remember that I'm new, I make mistakes, and I'm NEVER going to see myself as an authority on what we do...because that would just make it seem like there is nothing more to learn, no more expansion of the mind or thought process.

It feels weird. Is it weird that I choose to ignore it? Hrm...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WISHICOULDFLY 10/29/2011 9:03AM

    Yeah, I have to agree. This year is a BIG WIN for you. You are articulate AND insightful. Thank God, those that have authority in your workplace recognize your talents , strengths and potential and are wise enough to utilize them.

You have done an amazing job with your weight/exercise, but it is not ALL about that either. How wonderful to be able to do a job that brings you satisfaction too!

I am very proud of you and happy for you too! emoticon

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ANNIE7205 10/28/2011 4:49PM

    It is great to be recognized, but you definitely have the right attitude about it. Also, your job sounds very interesting. My plan after college was to go to law school. I spent a few years as a paralegal, decided it ultimately wasn't for me, went back got my MBA and went into financial planning. I do get to be a bit creative working with clients and retirement planning/education/etc, could never handle doing anything like accounting or budgeting, though. And yeah, geometry totally eludes me.

Comment edited on: 10/28/2011 4:50:15 PM

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LUCYSUNFLOWER 10/28/2011 4:27PM

    I think we cannot push ourselves forward in only one area of our lives without affecting others. You have pushed yourself so very hard to lose weight, but I think you carried other aspects of your life forward as well. I think this blog clearly illustrates why you should not beat yourself up for not losing as much weight as you wanted to this year. Your path of personal growth would be very colorful if you created a chart - sometimes you shoot forward in one area while another one may appear stalled. Girl, you need to accept that you are a stellar human being with a LOT to offer the world, and your weight loss goals are only one part of the extraordinary journey of being You! You've got it all going on, and I look forward to hearing more about the positive changes you've put in motion... Rather than looking at one aspect of 2011 in terms of success, look at the year as a whole - I'd call it a raving success and it's not even over yet!!

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SARAWALKS 10/28/2011 2:27PM

    So interesting to hear about your work and I must say I'm not surprised! You are one of the most articulate and curious and interesting folks on Spark.
A WIN for sure! emoticon emoticon

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BLACK-PRINCESS 10/28/2011 2:10PM

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SHELLYKOCH1 10/28/2011 1:17PM

    This journey is more than just shedding pounds. You're well deserved to consider this year as a WIN. You can truly feel the care and passion you have for your job through your writing. Having that passion and understanding what/how you tick is a great part of this journey. You are very fortunate to have a job you so obviously love.

This year will be the year of the scale. With such a great foundation, you can't help but reach even more of your goals.

“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”—Unknown

Oh, Shrek. Don't worry.
Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy
and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
- the movie Shrek 2

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Comment edited on: 10/28/2011 1:18:33 PM

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KKINNEA 10/28/2011 12:16PM

    Sounds like you're the real go-to at work - way to go taking on those challenges!

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SHEILA1505 10/28/2011 12:15PM

    It's great that you are doing something that so clearly interests you and keeps you focussed. The challenges that stretch you all the time seem to add to the pleasure you find there. Well done - and how great that people actually tell you that they appreciate your input.

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GREGSLUVBUNNY13 10/28/2011 11:52AM

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PAANDRUS 10/28/2011 11:06AM

    Sounds like a neat & interesting job! Keep up the good work! You deserve it it sounds like! Never forget how far you've come!

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JELLEN726 10/28/2011 9:33AM

    emoticon emoticonThose are big accomplishments!

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 10/28/2011 9:07AM

    Awesome!!! I love when people recognize my hard work, and it seems like your compliments are well deserved.

Keep up the great work... I promise this year will be a success in more ways than one, you've earned it.

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THOMS1 10/28/2011 9:06AM

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ANGELOO29 10/28/2011 8:39AM

    I feel the same way - I'm taking the year as a win because I've grow so much in other ways. Good for you~!

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Settling In

Thursday, October 27, 2011

So maybe I'm having a bit of a mid-life crisis (I either am going to die at 60 or, like usual, I'm doing things earlier than most) because I keep feeling like my life is basically over. Not sure why it hit me so hard but I suddenly feel old and like there is very little to look forward to that will be "new" in my life. Strange.

Yesterday, after a week of NOTHING, I had to pull myself kicking and screaming to the gym. Had it not been for having to drop off some movie rentals across the street, I probably would not have even gone. As I told Hubs last night, I got there, told myself, "Okay, I've gotten this far, might as well do the next thing." All the way through until I had my clothes on and had walked upstairs to the treadmill I had to keep talking to myself that way.

My run wasn't exactly stellar. I did more speedwork and think I may have pushed a tiny bit too hard. Once again, I felt like puking after it was over, but didn't (thank goodness!). It's hard for me to gauge what I can do with what I can't yet and what I need to try to see if I can. Last night I ran at 5.4 speed on the TM for one minute...and that was probably a little TOO fast for right now, but I did it, I managed, I made it through. I did about 5 speed intervals and walked at 3.5 the rest of the time (while the crazy boxer wannabe beside me was jogging at a 3.7 pace punching the air and pointing to the ceiling like he was a rockstar or Babe Ruth calling his shot (was it Babe who did that?) and acting like a general dolt *rolleyes*). Did a total of 1.75 miles in 26 minutes. Of course I didn't, like I had planned, follow that with 10-15 minutes on the elliptical or ST. I barely made myself go to the gym so by the time I felt like hurling after my run I just wanted to go home. I did stretch beforehand, though - and got in some crunches too. Not perfect, not even close to what I had planned, but something.

Tonight the plan is to go straight to Zumba, even though my left shin kinda hurts and my back was hurting last night. I have a chiro appointment tomorrow morning so I'd rather do it now so CC can gauge how well my body is holding the alignment. *shrug* I can't make any promises that I *WILL* go, but I'm sticking it in my head that I'm headed there right after work. (And secretly hoping my Zumba instructor cancels.)

I've been all back and forth, off and on lately. I have times of great inspiration and motivation and then have times where I just give up and give in and want to crawl under my desk or into the corner.

Working has helped, even though I feel exhausted all the time. Today I was walking around in a daze. Still getting things done but it feels like a chore...and yet it also is a blessing because it keeps my mind focused on doing something, fixing things I CAN fix.

Tomorrow I'm hoping to feel better. I say that every day and this morning was a little easier than yesterday and the day before. Also because tomorrow I'm going to spend a considerable amount of time out with Hubs, who surprised me last night when I asked him how I needed to work our time around his schedule and he said, "Don't you worry about that."

Plan for tomorrow -
9am - Chiro appointment

Then grab breakfast and off to Old Navy
ON is having a huge sale tomorrow - one of their tote stuffer type deals and we'll get 40% off everything we can squeeze into this big tote bag. I'm hoping to grab some winter stuff, some compression running pants (for when it gets too cold for capris), some pants for Ethan, some shirts for Logan, and whatever cheap-cheap-cheap stuff we can find.

Next door to ON is a Panera so we may grab some lunch there before returning home.

4:30pm - I have an appointment at the gym. I was so hopeful to have a weight number under 310, but now I'm not so sure anymore that it will happen. I keep weighing in at 309...sad when I started this week (before we found out what happened) at 306. Stress hurts...so does eating your feelings and not working out because you aren't strong enough to stand up or stop crying.

And then we'll probably have football practice as Ethan's team has the semi-final championship game this Sunday against the #1 seated team. I'm not that hopeful, but it's been hard to be hopeful about anything lately.

Of course, Saturday is my LDR in the morning, where I'll be hoping to get somewhere between 3-4 miles of running in, and Trick-or-Treating at night for the boys.

And then Sunday is couponing and the big game. Hoping my newspapers show up at my house that morning (just signed up for a subscription) because they didn't ask for directions and I'm not sure anyone really knows where to go to find me. So I will probably get up early just to make sure I don't have to run to town to get papers.

Trying not to feel so blah, guys...I promise. It's been harder than I ever expected and there are moments when I want to slap myself and tell myself how stupid I'm acting over a damn cat...and then I realize how much it all means and how it's connecting in my head and...well, I've cried every single day since Monday and it hasn't been any fun fighting those feelings and fighting the loss. Like I said, it's also way too quiet in the house...and I keep wondering if my other cat is just happy that she's gone or if she misses her, which is stupid but whatever, and then I go between resenting my other cat to wanting to hug her to bits and hold onto her tighter than ever. I know how stupid I sound in my head, but...well, I didn't go through this as a kid. I had the same dog growing up my entire life and we treated her like a part of the family. Not until I moved out and had my own kids that she had to be put down because she couldn't hear, see, and was in pain. So I never went through the loss of pets as a kid and I guess I didn't realize what it would be like...especially since I'm a pet parent and not a pet owner. Not to mention the feeling of "old" and "boring" I'm getting now that she's gone. *sigh*

Thanks for putting up with me, though. Thanks for all the kind words and encouragement and support and all of it. I really do appreciate it, even if I'm not strong enough to send replies and/or talk about it in a conversation yet.

Okay, back to work...I can handle that...

EDIT: One cute thing I wanted to mention about the gym last night. One of the ladies there (one of the group that came over and congratulated me after my pathetic 2-miler in July) came up to me as I was just starting my run on the TM. I plucked out my headphone and she said, "Don't stop on my account!" and smiled and then proceeded to ask me to join her and a friend for a Turkey Trot in Parkersburg on Thanksgiving morning. I thanked her politely and told her I would be in SC, running a Turkey Trot there with my sister and mom. It felt great to be asked. And before she left I turned to her and said, "Hey! Thanks for thinking of me!" :) That felt kinda good. I hope they invite me to another race sometime when I can actually say yes. It's been more than a year and it would be super nice to have a "workout buddy"....but it's hard to make friends at the gym. I've gone from not knowing anyone, to knowing some names and faces and them knowing mine, to talking to them in passing and joking around. When does the "wanna work out together?" part come in, I kept asking myself...and then I got asked..and I had to say "no, thanks..." *lol* I really hope she asks again. (Of course, nearly broke my heart when she asked, "So how much more have you lost?" and I had to admit that it was VERY little...but I'm trying to forget that part.)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGIRL06 10/28/2011 7:21AM

    But the good thing is that you got yourself up and went to the gym. Doesn't matter that you didn't do "your plan". You did something! And that is a step in the right direction, especially when emotions on weighing on you. Go to Zumba, take it easy if you have to (because of your back and shin) but just shimmy around and try and get lost in the music for a while!

Thinking of you girlie,
~Ang

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BLACK-PRINCESS 10/27/2011 5:13PM

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MEWHENRYSMAMA 10/27/2011 4:34PM

    OH SWEETIE, I HEAR YOUR PAIN AND FEEL IT, AS I, TOO, HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH SOME LIFE ISSUES. I ALSO AM STILL SORROWFUL OVER THE LOSS OF OUR DOG AND TWO CATS, ALL THIS PAST YEAR, AND STILL HAVE MY "MOMENTS". BUT I THINK WHAT I HEAR IS HOW IT IS IMPACTING YOUR VIEW OF LIFE, AND HOW YOU FEEL VULNERABLE. THIS IS NOT UNCOMMON AND OFTEN HAPPENS WHEN THERE IS A DEATH OF A RELATIVE, NEIGHBOR OR FRIEND, AND YES, A PET! WE QUESTION LIFE'S MEANING AND OUR OWN MORTALITY. IT IS SCARY AND MAKE US WONDER JUST WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT WHEN YOU END UP "DEAD IN THE END ANYWAY"! BUT WE ALL KNOW THAT LIFE IS IMPORTANT, HAS MEANING AND IS A JOURNEY, BUT WE KNOW THAT INTELLECTUALLY, NOT NECESSARILY EMOTIONALLY . I WISH I COULD SAY I HAVE THE ANSWERS, BUT I THINK IT HELPS AND MATTERS TO KNOW YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS, AND IT SEEMS TO BE A PART OF LIFE AND I HAVE MANY FRIENDS EXPRESSING THE SAME FEELINGS. USUALLY, TOO, SOMETHING TRIGGERS IT OFF, A DEATH, A CRISIS OR A PROBLEM. I DO KNOW EXERCISE, HEALTHY FOOD, MEDITATION AND FAMILY / FRIEND SUPPORT WILL HELP. AND TRYING TO FIND THE JOY IN THE LITTLE THINGS OF LIFE....BE IT A CUP OF TEA AND A GOOD BOOK, OR FLOWERS OR YOUR KITTY YOU DO HAVE PURRING. I AM A BELIEVER IN THE SIMPLE, SMALL JOYS. HANG IN THERE, THIS IS A PROCESS YOU ARE GOING THROUGH AND YOU WILL FIGURE IT OUT. IF YOU CONTINUE TO FEEL THIS WAY YOU MAY WANT TO TALK TO A THERAPIST FOR A BRIEF TIME, JUST TO GET BACK ON TRACK. TAKE CARE, MY FRIEND. I WISH YOU THE BEST.
MARY
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Go - Do - Forget - Avoid

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

So I fell apart a little bit again this morning but now I'm in "get my mind off it" mode...which means I want to go places and do things and be anywhere but sitting still and thinking about what just happened and what I'll miss. I've noticed that when I'm working on something here at work, I don't think about it as much. It still creeps in here and there because of the newness of it all, but just sitting doing nothing is like an open excuse to let my mind contemplate what happened over and over and over...

My mini breakdown this morning included the following "fun size" candy bars consumed:
1 twix
1 hershey
1 baby ruth
1 snickers

And they weren't all that good, honestly. Fun size does not necessarily = fun.

I followed that with another meltdown at lunch with comfort food I generally avoid like its tainted with plague - KFC's Mashed Potato Bowl. (MMMMM!)

So, I stick this stuff in my tracker and I'm expecting to be sad and angry at myself, but it doesn't happen. In relation to what I'm going through, one day of serious madness (especially following yesterday, where I basically fasted between the hours of 11am and 8pm) can be forgiven. It all can. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter all that much.

Plus, I thought to myself, this could've been much worse. I've had several other thoughts about other "bad" things I could eat. I nearly ran down to CVS on my break to grab a box of cheez-its, which I would have inhaled. And, of course, I can't have those without Coke, preferrably the Cherry version. And then a couple hours ago, I wanted more chocolate...but all that's left in my drawer is a lonely twix and some starburst...and I don't want them, and I know that, and I told myself that and closed the drawer.

And adding it all to my tracker doesn't look overly horrible. I might be a little over on my calorie goals for today, but I've survived that before. Plus, there is no bomb to disable here...I'm on no time limit. Why did it take this happening for me to see that? I can be imperfect. Everyone is. We get hurt, we slip up, we fall down, but we're still alive...and we have to keep on being alive. So why spend the next year, month, week, day, or even hour or minute beating myself up about what I did or didn't do. What the hell good is that going to do? Who the hell cares?! As I used to say, "Coulda, shoulda, woulda...well, you didn't and you can't, so move on." (Dang, I was quippy as a young girl!)

Still, I'm anxious to fill my time with stuff to do (hence, more than likely, the eating) - I want to go for a run. I want to Zumba tonight and then go for a run and then lift weights for 60 minutes and then cook dinner and then lay down in bed and go to sleep without there being any energy left for crying or thinking. Yes, I realize I'm avoiding, but my heart hurts and I'd rather spend this heartache actively doing something that will help me in the long run than digressing and regressing and eating my way through it. So there!

Of course, the problem is that I still have 2 hours left here and the outside looks so beautiful and I'd rather be there. So now I have to find something else to fill my time here...and I have to find things to fill my time all week. And what do I do better than anything else? PLAN, Watson! I PLAN like a friggin' ROCKSTAR. So, off I go, to plan the next few weeks of avoidance. It ain't healthy, per se, but it's healthier than the alternative.

Now who wants to go play tennis or something?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MEWHENRYSMAMA 10/26/2011 5:02PM

    HANG IN THERE, MY FRIEND. THIS TOO SHALL PASS, AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. TRY READING SOMETHING INSPIRING, OFTEN I CRY OVER SOMETHING LIKE TV OR A BOOK OR STORY AND IT GETS OUT THE SORROW OVER WHATEVER IS BOTHERING ME. YOU HAVE TAKEN CARE OF WHAT YOU "DID" AND IT IS TRACKED AND DONE AND YOU HAD VICTORY OVER A NUMBER OF THINGS YOU COULD HAVE DONE. GOOD LUCK AND STAY ACTIVE AND REMEMBER THAT YOUR BELOVED KITTY IS FREE OF PAIN AND IN A PEACEFUL PLACE AFTER BEING SO LOVED FOR TWO YEARS. IT IS OKAY TO LET GO...
LOVE,
MARY

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KAYOTIC 10/25/2011 10:28PM

    Sorry you're going through so much lately, but you seem to have discovered something out of the pain, and that is to be patient and good to yourself, and just go through it, even if that means eating stuff that isn't your best choice, and not feeling bad about it. You're absolutely right, there is no time limit, you can continue on no matter what you have done in the past, and no mini-fun-sized candy bar can take that away!

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BLACK-PRINCESS 10/25/2011 5:32PM

    hang in there

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COCOMAC7 10/25/2011 4:55PM

    I wasted a lot of time trying to be perfect. Now I give myself a break. After Thanksgiving (I'm Canadian so we've had ours) I was feeling a little down that I had so much pie over the week (it's not like it was soooo insanely good so why eat it). But at the end of the week I think I had gained 2 ozs. Was it worth it - YES!!! I don't HAVE to lose by a certain date. Who, except for me realized I gained 2 ozs that week? Seriously?

Most people don't notice when I gain or lose 15 lbs so getting upset over 2 measly ounces seems a little silly.

I like to avoid too - until time has proven enough of a cushion so I'm ready to deal. Plus I'm a wheeper so I cry at everything. . . Seriously BAWL.

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ERIN1128 10/25/2011 4:33PM

    Your "splurge" was four fun-size candy bars? Pfft, that's nothing! Glad you're not beating yourself up about it. Hope today is better.

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Attempting Recovery

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Not that it matters but I'm up 1/2 a pound from yesterday. My eating was crap. For most of the day eating just didn't seem appealing at all. I only ate 1/2 my bagel in the morning and then forced myself to eat the sandwich I prepared for lunch because I knew I should. I don't even remember if I got all my water in, but I think I did.

At 2:30pm I left work and headed straight home. The boys came home and we found out that Ethan had already seen Max that morning before school. He had a super rough day yesterday because he's sensitive like his mom. When he stepped off the bus all I saw was angry face. He was P.O.ed and wanted to hurt someone over what happened. Later the tears came and wouldn't stop. Logan was stoic as always. Shocked and searching for what he should do/say. It wasn't until we buried Max that he shed a few tears...and then later last night I went in to tell him goodnight and caught him sobbing alone in his room. Both Dad and I talked to him and then sent him to bed. He was still sad this morning when he went off to school. He's like that. He'll stew for a long time.

All the way home I let myself cry, hoping I'd be all cried out before I told the boys. I was good until Logan turned to me after being quiet for a long time after we told him and said, "I never got a really good picture of her." Broke my heart. (He's just started getting into photography and has his own digital camera. Turns out he had one picture of her but he didn't think it was good enough.)

I'm still sad today. I sobbed while we buried her. I sobbed after. Even this morning it's been hard not to break down. I know time will heal it, but I finally opened up to Hubs last night that I'm terrified about what this will do to me. And it's bringing up feelings I never expected to have...like mourning the idea of having another child. I know Hubs is done and I guess I always thought maybe I'd change his mind one day...but the more time passes, the more I realize that we're probably done birthing children. As for pets? I'm terrified to love again. Sad, right?

So, just get through today. Try to make it through each day. She was the most unexpected thing to happen to us in years, and it's so sad to see that end along with the beautiful, wonderful little thing she was.

Okay, so that's enough of that. I'm done talking about it here at least. Going to attempt to recover. Going to hope the swelling in my eyes goes down eventually. Going to hope the break in my heart heals too. Don't know why this one hit me so hard, but ....ouch. I guess I just miss her. It's too quiet without her...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EUPHRATES 10/25/2011 11:29PM

    Oh hon...I'm so sorry. :(
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COCOMAC7 10/25/2011 4:52PM

    awwww so sad :( Losing a pet is soooo hard!!

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ANNIE7205 10/25/2011 11:54AM

    I get the pet/kid connection. I have a dog who is very much like a child to me and a cat who I care about very much. FI has two boys. We joke that the pets are my children from my previous relationship. Well, he jokes, I really do think of them like that sometimes. We're are most likely not going to have kids together (he's 12 years older than me and really doesn't want to be doing the baby thing again) so when Hunter's and Ollie's respective times come, it will be hard on several levels for me, I think.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Blogging is the best thing you can do right now. Get those feelings out, instead of keeping them in (or stuffing them down with chocolate like I usually do).

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ERIN1128 10/25/2011 11:51AM

    It's important to allow yourself to grieve, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Hang in there.

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GETFIT2LIVE 10/25/2011 11:35AM

    I still can cry when I think about pets I have lost through the years, each one has been special in his or her own way. They snuggle deep into our hearts and are gone much too soon, even when they aren't taken so tragically. Every time we lose one, we think never again--the pain of loss is too much. The joy they bring, though, is worth it. Take care of yourself and hug your loved ones a little closer; you will make it through this.

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RUNTRILAUGH 10/25/2011 11:18AM

    We still mourn the loss of our "outside kitty". She came to us about a week before she had babies. We found them all homes. Wanted to keep her as she was SUPER SWEET, but our indoor cat didn't like her AT ALL. So, we continued to feed her, etc on our porch.

She never strayed very far away, and would bring us "treats". One day we couldn't find her. Apparently she had been chasing a "treat" and ended up about a quarter mile down the street that ends on a busy road. Yep.... she must have chased the "treat" into the road and got hit....

Its been about 4-5 yrs.... We don't cry, but we do miss her.

So yeah, we totally understand. Take the time you need to mourn. She was a family member...

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 10/25/2011 11:16AM

    emoticon

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-POOKIE- 10/25/2011 11:13AM

    Oh my, that photo comment made me well up, again, Im so sorry, I know words on a screen may not always mean much, but please know they are from my heart.

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RUNNER12COM 10/25/2011 11:12AM

    What an awful, painful thing for you to experience. On top of your own pain, you have to endure seeing the ones you love in pain, too.

These are dark times, indeed. Know that you are strong enough to work through all of this and you will do it in your own time.



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KKINNEA 10/25/2011 11:02AM

    Totally understandable. Hope your happy memories will sustain you.

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BLACK-PRINCESS 10/25/2011 10:44AM

    hang in there
for a couple of days last week I binged on junk food & didn't & still don't know why

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PAANDRUS 10/25/2011 10:21AM

    Thoughts are w you! I've lost a pet also. Terrible thing to go thru! I hadn't "lost" any pet or person up to this point. Then I lost my dad last year. I miss them both equally. Hang in there. Things will once again be "ok". Take care

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