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Loss and Living

Monday, October 24, 2011

So, yes, today sucks.

I couldn't get up this morning. Monster headache from screaming at the game yesterday (they did win so Ethan's team advances to the semi-finals) and pure exhaustion from a crazy weekend. I stumbled in and out of bed getting the boys out the door for school and then about 20 minutes after Ethan leaves I hear Joey barking up a storm outside. I figure he must be barking at something because it's his "Hey, look!" bark and not the annoying, "I want attention" one. I open the door and there, right next to the road, is my littlest kitty, Max.

So, yeah, I'm going to try to get through this blog without crying, but I make no promises. Max showed up on our porch 2 years ago about this same time. I was just remarking about how she must've just celebrated a birthday. She was a wonderful cat - full of vigor and life, and the LOUDEST purr machine I have ever heard in my entire life. You could hear her from across the room. We'd dubbed her my hub's cat because they had full on cuddle sessions just about every night.

So this morning, when I'm pulling him out of bed screaming and crying about our poor baby girl (yes, I'm that kind of pet parent), I'm also feeling awful because I know he's holding it together just for me. Me? I lost it. I still can't get it out of my head and I want to rewind and go back to last night and just keep her in the house all night so this didn't happen.

Hubs said it best. "Max, I don't know where you came from, and I don't know where you're going...but you were a great cat." Yep. *stops tears*

So, now the hardest part is that we have to tell the boys tonight and I have to try to hold it together. That and the fact that I feel betrayed by someone, something to have a second cat stolen from me like this...and betrayed that I only got to have her around for 2 years. Totally not fair.

So, yeah. I'm a mess today. I don't care anything about weight loss or dieting or working out. I'll do what I feel like doing. If I think a run will help the pain, I'll do it. But if I need to just alternate between crying and sleeping, I'll do that.

I'm a mess today.
And I leave in 15 minutes to meet the boys at home.
And I'm dreading every second of it...and the look I know I'll see on Ethan's face and on Logan's, who always takes everything well but I know will lose it when he hears this, and that will send me off again.

Hubs said he'll tell them, but I have to be there. I don't know why, I just know I have to be there.

*sigh*

Sucks. Hug your kitties and doggies today. Take them for a walk. Or, do like me, and lock the other cat you have left in the house because, as Hubs says, "We can't loose Tigg or you'd just die!"

Not a good day...but there's my daily blog (because I've been trying to be consistent with at least that).

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGIRL06 10/28/2011 7:19AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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RIVER331 10/26/2011 7:27PM

    Sorry for your family. We lost our beloved Faye-Li in a tragedy, and my daughter put it best for me: "She had 2 good years with us instead of being put to sleep in the pound" That seemed to help me a little bit, but I still cried and cried.

If you hadn't found Max, you would not have the years or the memories. emoticon

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DARKFAERY 10/26/2011 12:33PM

    Oh honey, I'm so sorry!!! As a kitty mommy myself, my heart broke for you and your family. Big hugs to all of you.

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WYCKEDSTEPMOM 10/25/2011 11:12AM

    Condolences on the loss of your fur baby :( ... I've acquired and lost more strays than I can count ... I totally sympathize with your heartbreak ...


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COLUMBINE2 10/25/2011 11:06AM

    I'm so sorry about your kitty. Pets are a wonderful part of our lives...try to remember the fun and laughter and how lucky they were to be YOUR kitty!

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ERIN4771 10/25/2011 11:04AM

    i know how important our furbabies are to us, so i can definitely sympathize with you my friend....hugs....

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MAMADWARF 10/25/2011 9:42AM

    That is awful! I am so sorry! I know how you feel....

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HOWLERMOM 10/25/2011 12:30AM

    So so sorry for your loss and the pain you and your family are going through. I just lost my beloved Howler two weeks ago and all I can say is I feel your pain. We love them so much and hate it when it comes time for them to leave us. emoticon emoticon

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MEWHENRYSMAMA 10/24/2011 10:44PM

    I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. I KNOW IT ONLY TO WELL. I SEND MY SYMPATHY TO YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY. I AM GLAD THAT MAX HAD A GOOD TWO YEARS OF LOVE WITH YOU. AND YES, TO EVERYONE, PLEASE KEEP CATS INSIDE, IT IS THE BEST AND SAFEST FOR THEIR HEALTH AND SAFETY. YES, IT SUCKS, BUT TAKE CARE AND BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF FOR AWHILE, YOU NEED TO GRIEVE.
PEACE.

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MAGPIE17 10/24/2011 10:32PM

    Hugs, hon. I'm the same kind of pet mommy. I won't let James outside unless he's on a harness and leash.

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LEAELLEN07 10/24/2011 10:03PM

    This made me cry. Pets are family. So sorry for your loss. emoticon

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SARAWALKS 10/24/2011 10:00PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 10/24/2011 7:55PM

    So sorry for your loss. emoticon

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HDHAWK 10/24/2011 6:39PM

    It's so hard to lose a pet. It's ok to cry in front of your kids. Take care!

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MIQUEY73 10/24/2011 5:58PM

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a pet is hard. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SAKENN 10/24/2011 5:54PM

    I'm so sorry for your loss. They do have such a hold on our hearts.

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CHANGINGELAINE 10/24/2011 5:22PM

    emoticon Loosing a pet is terrible!
Telling your kids will be veryy difficult. I will be thinking about you.

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DUSTYPRAIRIE 10/24/2011 4:30PM

    I feel your pain, and your family's. (((angel hugs)))

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BLACK-PRINCESS 10/24/2011 4:19PM

    emoticon

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RUNTRILAUGH 10/24/2011 4:17PM

    I'm so sorry....... They really are parts of our family.

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KKINNEA 10/24/2011 3:49PM

    :( Sorry for your loss, sounds like she was a great kitty.

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MSPRIS3 10/24/2011 3:32PM

    Tears,

So sorry for your lose! When I was younger, I lost 2 different dogs to cars. My heart feels your pain.

I have an indoor cat, she's about 18 now, and petrified of the outside (unless on the deck) but my old cat loved it outside, I would walk her around the yard on a leash, neighbors thought I was crazy. Cancer eventually took her.

You should see about getting a cat tie-out for Tigger, then it can be out, but kept safe too.

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MAGGIEROSEBOWL 10/24/2011 3:15PM

    So sorry--lost my little Maggierosebowl (yes, she was the inspiration for my user name here) 2 1/2 years ago, my little Maltese puppy just disappeared from my yard one afternoon, and I haven't seen her since. I will miss her forever. I guess we need to comfort ourselves by knowing they had a good life with us, that is all we can give them now.

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ERIN1128 10/24/2011 3:05PM

    So sorry about your kitty! Our beloved dog is 12 and we know the end can't be too far off...I sooo dread it. Big hugs to you.

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LUCYSUNFLOWER 10/24/2011 3:05PM

    Oh I am heartbroken for you! I know how much those furry little creatures can fill our hearts, and I know how big the loss is. Be gentle with your heart today...

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FROGGERHKC 10/24/2011 2:55PM

    OMG tears....

Hugs to you my dear! I couldn't imagine losing one of my fur babies. Hugs Hugs Hugs!

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-POOKIE- 10/24/2011 2:54PM

    *hugs*

I know some people dont realise how big a part of our lives pets can be.

I do know and Im honestly tearing up at the thought of your loss xx Im so sorry.

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KT-NICHOLS-13 10/24/2011 2:25PM

    ((((HUGS)))) to you and your family! I'm one of those Pet parents too . . . no shame in that! I'm shedding big tears for your little Max, my little Sara and my BF's Tucker.

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Weigh-In Day: Moving Forward Edition

Sunday, October 23, 2011

emoticon
Weigh-In Day

Weight Last Week: 311.0
Weight Goal for This Week: 309.0
Actual Weight This Week: 307.6
Weight Lost/Gained This Week: -3.4 pounds!
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Total Weight Lost with SP: 108.6 pounds
Total Weight Lost from Highest: 159 pounds

Yesterday was great...and it sucked too. *lol* I did go for my morning run. Shoes felt great and are fully broken in now. Did 4.01 miles in 1 hour and 2 minutes, so even adding the extra 1/2 a mile to my longest run ever (ran 3.5 miles with my usual 1/4 mile warm-up and 1/4 mile cool down). I have to say that I hit a few walls. And I nearly got attacked by a dog too! *lol* But at the end I felt I could've gone a little longer, and that's always a good sign. That being said, I could feel my hip resisting a bit. I gauged the pain level 1-10 and never got above about a 5-6, though it was growing in that last mile. Thankfully I came straight home, stretched, and iced the hip and it felt better, so my recovery time is improving.

I got to rest for about 2 hours before Hubs got up and the torture began. *lol* All day as we were cleaning like mad people and I keep saying, "I don't know how long I can keep doing this!" the whole family kept saying, "I don't know why you ran this morning when you knew we were going to do this today." *sigh* DUH! I needed to run because I haven't all week. Surprisingly I lasted for 3 hours before we broke for lunch/dinner and then went back at it for another 3 hours.

I donated a TON of clothes that are now too big for me, leaving only a few things for before/after pictures in the future. Still, I'm left with a considerably large wardrobe and not really any place to put it. This has been our main problem. We need more drawer space - a bigger dresser or a second dresser or something. Hubs and I discussed last night getting some plastic shelving units to hold us over until we can shop for another dresser. (When we swap them out for a new dresser, I can use them for my stockpile! *lol*)

I overate again yesterday (I mean, I ate over my suggested ranges) but I also burned a crapton of calories. I just tried to listen to my body throughout the day and eat when I was hungry or needed more fuel to continue. Second day in a row that worked, but I'm not counting on it because I'm exhausted right now and I doubt I could continue at this pace all the time. So that means, eat within my ranges and workout as scheduled...and rest when needed.

So, another good week and I'm trying to remind myself of the progress instead of being anxious that it will all go up in a puff of smoke for whatever reason. This week is just as important, especially considering that I have another gym weigh-in on Friday and I want to finally be under 310 on their scales. Last month was so depressing for me when my home scale said 312 in the morning and their scale put me at 316 again. (I don't get to weigh-in there until 4:30pm, so I get the added pressure of being below what I want in the morning so I can get the numbers I want that night.)

So, my weight goal for next week is: 305.6

As always, I hope for a 2 pound loss, but I do have to share with you that each month I set a goal for myself, which I stick on a sticky note at work to remind me whenever I want to dip into the many candy bowls around my office. Since the beginning of October my sticky has said:

--- Goal for November: 04.0 ----

So, it'd be nice to have another 3 pound week, but I'd honestly be okay if I was one or two pounds above that, as long as I'm still seeing progress. Of course, each goal is just a stepping stone to my main goal right now of being 298 by the end of 2011, so that's what I'm constantly working toward each month/week/day. Secretly, I'd love to be there before my trip to SC to visit family for the Thanksgiving holiday. I'd love to share that wonderful tidbit with my mom and sister then and let them know just how far I've come. Sometimes I think they figured I would've stopped losing by now, that I would've run out of steam...and sometimes it does feel like 2011 was like that. But if I can just make these last few months count, then maybe there won't be as much pressure to put on myself at the start of the year. Plus, it'd be nice to have my family recognize that, yes, things got tough, but I'm sticking it out for the long haul.

I remember last Thanksgiving all too well...when my sister asked how much weight I lost and I told her 80 pounds and her response was, "That's it?!" It broke my heart because in my head it felt like she was saying I hadn't done enough...and no matter how many times she and my mom clarified that what she meant was that I looked like I had lost more than that, I still felt that twinge of "not good enough." That sounds so silly to me now! *lol*

So, yes, I'm moving forward again, and that feels great. I just have to keep up with it. Keep icing and taking care of my body. Hubs' aunt worried that my shoes weren't supportive enough when I mentioned that I was icing my hip, and it was the first time I admitted that this was a problem I would likely always have. With each run I do, I get stronger and protect myself from the pain, but I will always have to take care of it - 300 pounds or 150, I will always have to remember that my body was damaged by my overweight lifestyle and now the most important thing I can do is keep it healthy and active and fit to fight off the effects from those years of abuse.

Yesterday was also the first day I admitted to Hubs my frustration with progress by number. I was worried that all the overworking yesterday would lead to a gain on the scale as it usually does. I know that when I overwork that my body tends to swell up with water to repair my damaged muscles. But when I step on the scale and get a disappointing number, even knowing why they happen and that they aren't "real" per se, I get frustrated. "Because THEY don't care if I did 4 miles or if my heart is the heart of an athlete or if I actually have a rounded butt now and not a flabby shelf or if I could exercise them under the table and outlast them by hours, not just seconds or minutes. All THEY care about is 'How much weight have you lost.'" What "they"? Why, the collective they we all snap to in our frustration, of course. And also the people at the Weight Management program, because I'm so scared they're going to kick me out of the program because I haven't been losing the 2-4 pounds a month like they want. *lol* I guess, in a way, it was good for me to hear that frustration, because it reminded me of all the progress I've made in 2011, even without big numbers on the scale.

Looking back, I shouldn't have survived this downfall I've experienced. The old me would have given up out of frustration. But the new me, the one who seems determined to live every day to the fullest, can't stop. She can't say the word "quit" without throwing up a little in her mouth. She can't admit defeat or let "them" win. She can't imagine life without basketball with the kids, running on a beautiful day (like yesterday), surprising herself and others with her stamina. She can't give up the "I DID IT!" spirit or imagine going back to a life full of watching TV for hours on end, doing little to nothing and getting winded, or simply being too tired, overweight, or unable to participate in all the fun things that give her opportunities to smile and laugh in the joy of this crazy, messed up life she's living. She knows now that a stressful week at work can be erased by a great, active weekend with the boys - laughing and carrying on. She knows that anger can subside with a good, strong workout. And that the frustration in herself can be diminished with a "I feel shaky" moment after a tough circuit round.

Every time I do a burpee, I still surprise myself. Every time I realize I can do more pushups than I could a month ago, I get giddy. Every time I keep up with my boys, every time I say yes when I used to say "No, sorry, too tired." I get that feeling of pride back.

So, maybe, just maybe, this year was the year of one of the most important lessons I've needed to learn. I went from trying to create a healthy lifestyle, to living one because it just felt right, because IT IS WHO I AM. I tell people all the time that I had a realization years ago when I thought to myself, crying in bed, how I always wanted to be one of those people who got up and ran 5 miles in the morning before they even started their day. I wanted to be one of those people who took chances and risks and played the game and loved life. And through my lament over who I thought I wasn't, I realized something. Oprah would've called it an "Ah-hah!" moment. I thought about all I wished I was, who I wished I had been born and then I asked myself, "Well, why CAN'T you be that person?" I knew it wasn't going to happen overnight, but something told me that I could make it happen if I tried hard enough. It took me years to get here, to the point where I feel like I kinda AM that girl.

I named this year "The Year of Adventure: Finding My Bliss." I thought through all these crazy activities I planned to do, I would discover who I truly was...finally. Because what was in my head and what was in my life just didn't mesh. But, I'm realizing now, it wasn't the adventures I planned that made me discover myself this year...it was the moments of struggle I had to overcome, the things I didn't plan. Who was it that said, "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans?" I get that now. Every struggle was a lesson in overcoming. And with every step I made toward progress, whether with glee or (more likely) out of anger, I started to realize how much I have in me.

I'm no longer the girl sitting on the sidelines wishing she could play. I'm the girl out there making a fool out of herself. Not always succeeding because parts of her still flabby body tend to get in the way, but the girl who still tries and won't take "CAN'T" for an answer.

I'll admit it - it's the end of October and I've already started wondering what's in store for next year. I try not to focus on it too much because I can't go back to being that girl whose diet starts on Monday. (There used to be a joke/quote in WW when I was younger -- "The problem with diets is Monday." or something like that. It meant that the biggest problem people had with changing their lives in terms of weight loss was the days leading up to the day they planned to start, the waiting period. Eliminate that thought of "When THIS DAY comes, I'll start..." and just start right now, even if it's 5pm and you've already eaten 3000 calories today. Make a concerted effort in that moment you feel it to do something that will help you achieve your goals.) The one thing I know about next year is that I want to do some more of the things on my list. The ones sticking in my head the most right now are white water rafting and ziplining. Because they both terrify me and thrill me to think about. It means getting under the 290 weight limit for ziplining before the spring/summer season hits. I also know that I want to reenter the race that nearly broke my heart and spirit this year - the Firecracker 2 Miler. For some reason, I think I need to face that demon again and overcome it. Not for the doubters in the crowd, but for me...for the tears I cried after and the anger and frustration I felt.

Okay, enough revelations for today. *lol* I'm off to start my Sunday. Going to definitely try to stick in some yoga/stretching today, but today is my rest day. Going to go grab some papers and coupon my morning away and then it's off to Ethan's quarter final game against the team that beat them in their last regular season game. I REALLY want them to win this one. A LOT! Not so much so they can advance to the semi-finals, but because I want these kids to go out with a bang. It's time to face the demons they fought in that last game. They went in with vigor, but with doubt...and after the first score by the other team, they deflated and, in some ways, simply gave up. I know from what I saw in that game that these kids CAN be beat by our kids...they just need to have the right attitude.

(Okay, one more thing I wanted to mention that I find hilarious about myself. I've become Motivation Mom. Yep, I said it. I have this strong desire to go out on the field before each game and give our boys a pep talk. I always think I know just what to say because it's the kind of things that get me through MY workouts. Each game, as we're sitting there watching the coaches talk to them, I plan the speech in my head. It almost always includes the quote I tell Ethan all the time -- "Whether you think you can, or you think you can't...you're right." And I plan that speech in my head, wishing I could be out there pumping up the kids and giving them the motivation to win. Because I have learned one thing throughout all of this that seems overly missed sometimes -- you can be the best at what you do, you can call all the right plays and make all the right moves on the field/court, but if your heart isn't in it, if you don't have the right mindset, you're cutting yourself short. What's the other quote we always use? -- Something like "Nothing can hurt the man with the right mental attitude. Nothing can help the man with the wrong one." The drive, the will to succeed, and the right mental attitude can carry people through feats and stunts they maybe "shouldn't" be able to do. I know that now...and I always want that for our boys. But, alas, until the coaches recognize my amazing powers of motivation (*LMAO*) I'm sidelined. But...I do pump Ethan full of whatever words of wisdom I can before he goes out on the field...and I always tell him that he should be the one spreading that around on the field. ;) Can't fault a Mom for trying, can you?)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DPIRIE 10/24/2011 1:40PM

    emoticon

Congrats to you! Keep it up!

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SHEILA1505 10/24/2011 2:40AM

    You really are the girl who can!! I also want to zipline - maybe 2012 will be the year??

Hugs

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 10/24/2011 12:04AM

    Awesome job, and so excited to hear that your recovery time is improving as the distance is getting longer.

There is nothing wrong with looking at the future, and I think you have some great goals and plans for next year.

Ethan is lucky to have such a motivational mom

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MEWHENRYSMAMA 10/23/2011 11:43PM

    WOW, MISS NEW SHOES, YOU SURE DON'T WASTE ANY TIME!! GO GIRL, YOU ROCK!! YOU ARE SUCH AN INSPIRATION! I AM NOT AT ALL SURPRISED YOU ARE MOTIVATING MOM...IF YOU REALLY HAVE THIS LIFE STYLE HOW COULD IT NOT LEAK OVER INTO ALL ASPECTS OF YOUR LIFE, IT'S JUST PROOF YOU DON'T JUST TALK THE TALK BUT YOU WALK THE WALK (OR IN YOUR CASE, RUN THE RUN...LOL). I AM SO IMPRESSED. LOOKING FORWARD TO HEARING OF MORE PROGRESS AND CONTINUED WEIGHT LOSS...AMAZING!
MARY
P.S. IT WAS JOHN LENNON WHO SAID LIFE IS WHAT HAPPENS WHILE YOU ARE BUSY MAKING OTHER PLANS...SO TRUE!!
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Comment edited on: 10/23/2011 11:45:10 PM

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ANEWBETHSTL 10/23/2011 5:16PM

    emoticon on your progress thus far! You are doing emoticon

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BLACK-PRINCESS 10/23/2011 5:03PM

    emoticon

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SHELLYKOCH1 10/23/2011 4:57PM

    You've done an awesome job this year. emoticon

Patience and fortitude conquer all things.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

You are what you do, not what you say you'll do.
- Carl Jung

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SARAHJ19 10/23/2011 4:42PM

    Way to go on your loss this past week! emoticon I love reading your blogs. Each week is a new adventure for you. I love how candid and honest you are. No sugar coating how your week went. You write about your positives and the negatives that happen to you.
Thanks for being an inspiration for me
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JTAMSYN 10/23/2011 2:50PM

    I really enjoyed your blog. You've motivated me with your story. You are doing awesome and you should be SO proud. I know I am! The weight never comes off the way we want it to or following our schedule. But the important thing is that it does come off and that we learn a better lifestyle along the way. And it seems that you are doing just that. You are a great example to us and to your family and friends! Great job!


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AHEALTHYDANI 10/23/2011 2:23PM

    "She can't say the word "quit" without throwing up a little in her mouth." Lol - I love this. You rock. Congrats on all the butt kicking!!!

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 10/23/2011 10:18AM

    Congratulations on all your accomplishments this year. emoticon

emoticonOn the longer run. That is GREAT!

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You Can Get a Girl New Shoes, But You Can't Make Her Run

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Yesterday was uber successful. Blood work session had very few glitches and I'm hoping I can stop spending every Friday at the doctor's office now. *rolls eyes* Thankfully the same nurse who gave me my shot last week (which I still have a bruise from, thank you very much) didn't draw my blood yesterday. PHEW! She gave me the look of death and I just ignored her. (While mumbling some not-so-nice words in my head and rubbing my bruised arm.)

As I posted yesterday, I decided to take my day off and go get running shoes (FINALLY!). I got there, showed them the 2 pairs of shoes I had, and then waited to see if they could do any better. I tried on about 5 pairs of shoes. One in my size, 11 wide, and 4 in 11.5. Dude at the store told me that if I can't find a wide shoe in my size then it's customary to just go up 1/2 a size to accommodate. A lot of the 11.5s felt loose, but there was one that actually fit. Still, the one size 11 2Es he gave me first, a pair of beautiful Asics, felt better than any of the others. He asked me, "So do you just want to stick with what's on sale or...?" "No!" I said quickly. "I want what is absolutely best for me." Turns out those Asics were best. Good support, great arch support (which is why I totally love my Nike shoes) and a snug, but not squeezed fit. Sure, they're a little heavier than some of the other shoes we tried, but I loved how supportive they felt. Turns out the one pair of shoes that was the "best" for me was part of the deal. $100 shoes for 50 bucks! :) After I finally figured that these were probably my best choice, he piped up with, "Feel free to go run around the parking lot and see how they feel on a hard surface." Why, thank you! I think I will. So out I went, running around the parking lot and smiling...a lot. They felt great. They didn't solve all my problems, but they solved all the problems shoes could solve, and that's what I needed.

I joked with him, "Here I've been saving up for 3 months for running shoes and now I'm getting them for 1/2 off...so what do I spend the extra money on?" Both he and another guy at the store just laughed. I settled on one Shot Block and a 12 oz water bottle with a hand strap and a little zipper pouch (which was marked as 17.95, but he gave me for 17 bucks. *lol*). The guys were great and just kept talking about favorite running spots and new routes and I felt like, "Yeah, these guys know what they're doing." Not once did they look at me like I didn't belong there. Not once did I get a questioning glance when connecting me with running.

I walked out of the store happier than a clam, then ran into work to pee *lol*, and then off to my favorite health food market for some lunch. Pumpkin soup yesterday, which I actually couldn't finish, and 1/2 a banana. Felt good. Felt right. Even walking right past the new cupcake shop they set up right next to my market *grumble* I felt in control again. And with my new pretty shoes in the car, I couldn't wait to get to the gym to workout!

As I was eating, I was texting an old HS friend. This is the same friend that I visited the weekend before I started Spark. I don't know how she did it, but she brought to me some Spark that I carried here and I have no clue how to tell her "Thank you!" She texted me because she wants to spend some time catching up and wants me to take her to a running store to get fitted for running shoes. She has been convinced by another HS classmate to train for a half-marathon scheduled for next May. (I have a feeling this HS classmate also wants me to run it, but I'm just not ready to say that my body could do that. Not yet. Maybe when I hit 5 miles running I'll feel better, but for right now her condescending comment about, "Well, there's also a 5k..." makes me want to punch her in the throat. Should I also mention that this friend is plagued with injuries constantly as she's trained for and run both a 1/2 and full marathon?) There was something empowering...no, that's not the word...there was something that made my heart warm that my HS friend rejected the advice of my HS classmate who just ran a marathon and texted me to say, "I want YOU with me!" (Another side note, my HS friend has had some issues with her ankles pretty much her whole life, and it constantly sidelines her when she tries to hit a stride in working out. I think we share that "body rebelling" feeling and we're both fighting back against it.)

After lunch and my text chat, I drove straight to the gym. First thing I did was tell my gym-mate Tara about my running shoes deal, which she'd already read about on FB and immediately asked me when I came in, "Where'd you get the shoes!?" *lol* I told her I'd never been so excited to work out before. Sure, I was doing a circuit, but I needed to break these suckers in and I knew the warm-up for that circuit was a 2 minute jog. (And can we stop a minute to remark on how awesome it is that a 2 minute jog can actually be my warm-up?! ;) )

This circuit was difficult. I remember the jog, then back pedaling (which is HARD!), then straight-leg kicks before the actual workout of modified planks, planks, modified push-ups, modified burpees, hip lifts (bridge ups) and squats began. It hit me about 1/2way through that, unlike my other circuits, this one allowed no time for recovery. I thought I'd never make it through. But I did. And I noticed that I do better with each round of circuit training. I get more push-ups done in the time allotted, I do more burpees, and I go from one thing to another quicker. I may be doing different circuit programs each time, but from the overlaps I can tell I'm getting stronger with each one. I ended this one as I always do - shaky. But this time I didn't feel like my legs were going to buckle or my arms were jello or that I needed to puke. I just felt a little shaky. And a good circuit for me seems to = "a little shaky". I was red-faced and feeling fabulous.

Another thing I noticed in this circuit training was that my new shoes provide a great amount of support, which helps my balance during the difficult moves. YAY!! Is it wrong that I wish I had an extra pair - one devoted to running, and one for all my other workouts!? I need some great cross trainers like these, but until then, I may have to break the rules and wear my running shoes for my circuit training days. I NEED that stability for these workouts too!

After my workout I went home and spent the day watching scary movies and hanging with the Hubs. Until about 4 hours later when I announced, "OMG I'm SOOO bored! I feel like I should go workout again, but I already did that! WTF?!" We settled on going to the park where we played basketball for almost an hour...and where my oldest son got a little shock in him when I ran up to defend him when he was taking a shot and he took off across the court to avoid me/get around me, and then turned around and realized I was keeping up with him with every step. I was jumping, running, making saves. I was quicker on my feet. My shooting sucked. *lol* But, otherwise, it was a day of, "Okay, I get it. There is progress. The scale does not always define progress or recognize it." I flashbacked to old memories of us at the park, me getting tired after 10 minutes, me unable to run or jump, me unable to keep up. And then I felt myself flying around the court, jumping up to (not) make shots (*lol*) and running around to toy with the kids and to flirt with the Hubs. Not to mention that I didn't say "Okay, I'm done!" first. Hubs gave up the ghost first, saying his arms were killing him. *lol* "Alright, baby...I guess we can go then." (In my head: "HA! I WIN! I WIN!" *snort*)

Today is my run day. I'm nervous, scared, anxious...but that's how I feel every single Saturday. I doubt myself every single Saturday morning, worried that the past runs were a fluke. That's heightened by the fact that I haven't run all week this week to allow for the foot issues. But, my new running shoes give me a shot of glee. I want to use them. I want to break them in. I want to see how they do, see if they help, see if I feel better in them. Still, like every Saturday, I'm here...trying to boost my motivation and self-esteem for the run. Trying to get my mind right and get out there.

Oh, and after my run, I have an entire house to clean. It's way overdue and I've been working on pieces here and there every weekend, with little to no help. But after talking to Hubs yesterday, we decided we're all going to pitch in and see just how much we can get done in one day. Relieve some stress for me, get prepped for some much-needed repair jobs around here, and maybe feel okay inviting my friend down next weekend (we'll have to see how that goes).

One final note. I overate yesterday a little. But I also overworked yesterday when you add the circuit + the basketball. Today's weigh-in seems on target. 308.2.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WE_PA_FIT 10/24/2011 3:37PM

    Hooray for non-scale victories!! everything in this blog is sweet success!!! Congrats!!! And yes, when you get a chance, get some cross-trainers; You are a runner, an athlete!!!

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SUECHRIS50 10/24/2011 3:02PM

    When I get new shoes its better than any fashion purchase!!

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TARANITUP 10/24/2011 2:51PM

    Doesnt it feel great to feel like you "Belong" in a sports/fitness store? I LOVE IT!

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RUNNER12COM 10/24/2011 2:49PM

    Funny about becoming that person who thinks new running shoes are a cool present, isn't it? I love mine!

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BLACK-PRINCESS 10/23/2011 5:01PM

    emoticon

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SHEILA1505 10/23/2011 8:06AM

    Great savings with the shoes - I agree about getting the second pair - I do that - either keep them for when the others wear out, or keep for different purposes indoor/outdoor.

Glad you enjoyed the basketball with the family!

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CHICAT63 10/23/2011 7:11AM

    Awesome for you new shoes !!! It makes all the difference, I would have to agree with GOGOSHIRE if you can save-up for an another pair hence you will save big time on not wearing out your Running shoes for Running. I have always 2 pairs: One strictly for running and an another for Cross-training: Walking the dog and the gym. Myself, I have been a New Balance wearer for years I have ortho inserts and wear size width D.

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SUGARSMOM2 10/22/2011 6:26PM

  Happy you love your shoes . good job .

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MEWHENRYSMAMA 10/22/2011 5:04PM

    LOOK AT YOU GO GIRL!
WHAT A DIFFERENCE NEW SHOES CAN MAKE!
ENJOY!
MARY emoticon

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SARAWALKS 10/22/2011 2:21PM

    SWEEEEEEEET! emoticon

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AHEALTHYDANI 10/22/2011 2:17PM

    emoticon

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ERIN1128 10/22/2011 1:45PM

    LOVE asics!!!! Glad things are going well. :-)

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SBHPATRICK 10/22/2011 11:24AM

    If you like the shoes that much, I'd recommend buying another pair right now, especially since they're half off! You could use that pair for your cross training, or just have them in the wings for when your current pair needs to be retired.

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 10/22/2011 10:36AM

    emoticon emoticon

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GOGOSHIRE 10/22/2011 10:24AM

    I am so happy to read this. Just an idea, but since you saved so much $ on shoes, why not go buy a 2nd pair - one for running, and one for the gym.

I'm really happy to see how you are progressing and hear your positivity. Yay! xo

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BLACK-PRINCESS 10/22/2011 9:37AM

    emoticon emoticon

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Friday Free-For-All

Friday, October 21, 2011

I think this is the first Friday in a LOOONG time when I didn't have a list of things to do a mile long.

1. Get blood work done - FINALLY!
2. Do my circuit training
3. HS football game tonight

That's it. It's liberating and also a little...odd. I've been trying to find ways to fill my time and I think I may have found a little something that might make this girl happy.

The running store in Charleston is nearly a year old and I have YET to make it over there. I've been saving up for the past 3 months, little by little, in order to be able to afford some new running shoes. The ones I bought at the Columbus running store...well, they suck. They squeeze my toes so hard that they go numb after 2 miles. It was fine before, no problem. But now that I'm running 3 miles straight (or at least trying) and running a lot more, it's been impossible to use them. (I honestly don't think the dude knew what he was doing and, I hate to say it, but I don't think he believed that I was a runner. Whatevs, dude!) So I reverted back to the old Nikes I bought online for 90 bucks. I had analyzed myself as having a somewhat normal gait and bought shoes accordingly. Of course, when all the hip trouble started I figured maybe I had analyzed wrong and that was my problem, hence the Columbus running store shoes. (That being said, the most the guy could say about my gait was that I might have a mild overpronation, so I don't think I was far off.)

My Nikes have served me well, but in recent months, as I've been running more and more, they've seen their fair share of road and are worse for the wear. About a month ago, the heel of the bottom sole part started peeling off. I ran anyway. And then, one fateful Friday about two weeks ago I wore them to my circuit training because I knew running was involved. (I also need to get some cross trainers for my non-running stuff.) By the end of that crazy workout, the right heel piece had broken off entirely. *sigh*

I *love* my Nikes. Truthfully, I may be a bit of a Nike brand whore. Can't help it though. With my high arches, Nikes have been the only brand that seem to support my arch fully without additional inserts, and I *love* that about them! I'm kinda sad to see them go (Yes, I've still been running in them, even with no bottom heel piece...I'm not a heel striking runner so it didn't much affect my running.) I'm a little afraid of switching brands because the last time I did that (Columbus running store), it didn't go so well.

That being said, Robert's Running Store in Charleston is sitting there, a few miles from my work, and I've never ventured in. First, I had to get over my self-doubt and my feelings of not belonging. When I was running tiny bits here and there and then got injured (again!) I thought, "I'm not a runner. I never will be. And all these people KNOW I'm not a runner. I cannot walk into a running store because then I'll just be a big fat faker. Funny thing is, this store is actually called "Robert's Running and Walking Shop." That made it easier for me to swallow. But, still, I didn't do it. Time got away from me. Or my emotions took a swing. Or, most recently, I just didn't have the cash. But now I finally have a reason to go.

1. I AM a runner.
Sure, I run slow. Sure, the most I can do is a 5k running. But, wait, did you hear that? Did I just say that? The most I can do is RUN A 5k?! A year ago I was finally able to WALK a 5k and felt such pride. I was running tiny bits of it when I could. And now? Now I fully know without a doubt that I could start running at the starting line and not stop until the finish line.

2. I've been saving up and have $200 in my "running shoes" savings account.
Even when I bought straight from the running store in Columbus we paid about $128. I think I could actually swing a pair now.

3. THEY ARE HAVING A SALE!!
*lol* Y'all know I'm "savings girl" and have a HARD time passing up a sale. My stockpile from couponing in the past 6 months or so is a dead giveaway. It's especially rare for me to find a sale on the thing I need when I need it AND can afford it, so when Robert's announced they're phasing out last year's shoes for this year's models and offering 50% off the old models. Well, this is the same girl that bought her $1400 laptop when she started school for $700 bucks (because, again, it was "last year's model"). What do I care what year they are, as long as they work?

Now, granted, I could walk in and none of the old stock is what I need. I could drive back down to Charleston and find myself SOL in terms of this sale. But, why pass up the opportunity, especially when I know I could buy a new model if I needed to.

So, yes. That's my plan for today. I've got my gym bag packed so when I get back to town I can get my circuit training in, and I've got the Nikes already packed for comparison/analysis. I'll also pack the crappy Columbus running store shoes. Who knows, maybe we can avoid the same problems if I explain things right.

They say to plan 30 minutes for your trip because they want to analyze your stride and fit you properly. Me? I got most of the day, so today is the best day possible for this. (Now I'm wondering...should I throw on my gym clothes now? Yeah, probably should in case they pop me on a treadmill or tell me to run around the parking lot. *lol* Even if they don't it'll just make me ready for the gym when I work out after.)

So, that's where I'm off to today. I'll let you know how it goes!

As far as yesterday?
1. I ate that mini cupcake. And 4 pieces of Chex cereal from the Chex mix.
2. I didn't eat again until I came home.
3. I decorated 3 cakes. It wasn't pretty. I was nervous and it's been way too long and I'm out of practice. I doubt there's a cake decorating job in my future unless, as Hubs told me later, they decide to hire me on my good looks (because, as he said, I was lookin' mighty beautiful yesterday.)
4. When I got home I had lasagna....and 2 donut holes...and a corn dog...and 1/2 a can of pop. *sigh* I need my schedule, dangit!! Of course, I'm still pretty happy I didn't go to get fast food after my "tryout" like I wanted to because that would've just been much worse!
5. I didn't get a workout in. I was exhausted after such a long day and had to wait nearly an HOUR for my tryout because the 60-year-old woman in front of me took forever! (Another reason I won't get this job...the other people probably have DECADES more experience!)

So, yeah. This morning, we're holding steady at 309.8, which I'm happy about. Now...off to get me some shiny new shoes so I can have another good reason to get back into running (I haven't run ALL WEEK and it's just about killing me! Foot feels much better today, though, so I think we'll take it easy on the circuit tonight (yeah, right!) and then do my 3-4 miles tomorrow.)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MEWHENRYSMAMA 10/21/2011 7:06PM

    WILL BE WAITING TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR NEW SHOES AND YOUR EXPERIENCE. IT SURE IS TIME FOR A NEW PAIR!
GOOD LUCK & TAKE TIME TO TAKE CARE OF YOU!
MARY
emoticon

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 10/21/2011 5:32PM

    Too cool. I like my Nikes also. I have high arches. I did not know that is why they fit so well. I tried on SO many pairs and found the Nike just felt the most natural.

Hope you find a pair that you LOVE. emoticon

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SARAWALKS 10/21/2011 3:15PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
SO much fun finding new running shoes! Enjoy! emoticon

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BLACK-PRINCESS 10/21/2011 2:16PM

    emoticon

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Another Snack Day

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Let's recap how my "angry" day went yesterday.

Morning Weigh-In: 305.8
Calories Consumed: 1868
Calories Burned: 0
Calorie Deficit: -723
Morning Weigh-In This Morning: 309.8

So, yeah. Surprisingly I'm happy to see the 309 because I think it's truer to my efforts recently and actually reflects the possibility of a good loss this week. I'd love to be under 310 by Sunday, so hopefully this keeps up. I get fluke days every now and again. The last once was weeks ago when I got a fluke of 303. Happens sometimes. Only good thing is, my "fluke" numbers used to be 308-309 area...and now those are the REAL numbers and the flukes have dropped lower. I can't wait until the day I "fluke" under 300 and giggle with glee! *lol*

As far as calories burned...I decided to take a rest day. It's what I had scheduled from SP and my foot/brain wasn't feeling much up to anything. So I went home, ate dinner with the family, practiced my icing roses for my "tryout" tonight and then got to bed a little early.

Now, as for the title of this blog. Today is yet another "snack day" at work. We used to have sit-down dinner type things, but lately we've just hosted snack days wherein people bring everything from donuts to cookies to cake to fried chicken, pasta salad, sandwich makings, etc. and then eat/graze ALL DAY. I was terrified of this day. Absolutely terrified!

So far this has been how it's gone.

I grabbed 4 donut holes, 3 small pieces of cheese, 3 pepperonis, 3 ritz crackers, 2 tbsp chicken salad, 3 small pieces of fried chicken, a turkey sandwich with mustard, a mini cupcake, a small slice of lasagna and a small slice of chicken enchiladas.

I ATE - 2 donut holes, 3 ritz crackers and 2 Tbsp. of chicken salad, a couple bites of fried chicken, a couple pieces of cheese, 3 pepperoni slices, a bite of lasagna, and about 3/4 of the chicken enchilada (which was surprisingly good!). Everything else is wrapped on my desk behind me ready to take home or allow me a tiny snack later.

(Ooh, I just remembered the 5 mini carrots and 4 pieces of broccoli, which I did eat and need to log too...not TOO worried about those though.)

So what could have been 1726 calories consumed AT LUNCH was closer to 500 calories. Now if I can just stay out of the stuff for the rest of the day I'll be good. (Though that little cupcake keeps beckoning me, so he might just be my snack later...though the donut holes sent me for a friggin' LOOP y'all. I was actin' crazy like for a while there. Crack donuts! *lol*)

As for working out tonight...no clue. I have that "tryout" after work and then I forgot my gym bag so I'll go straight home. I can either do my Zumba game, my DDR game, Kinect Adventures, Yoga DVD, 30 Day Shred, or go for a walk/run if the weather is right and it's not too dark. Or I could pile everyone in the car and go to the park for a bit...but it's a school night so there probably won't be much time for that either.

I swear sometimes I feel like it's day one and I have no clue what I'm doing. I know that's stupid. I haven't lost over 100 pounds since April 2010 with sheer dumb luck. It took work...and the rest will take more work. Still, some days I have those moments where I'm like "What's the point? Darned if I do, darned if I don't."

I wasn't this injured when I was bigger. I also couldn't move that well. I skip and run now (randomly...and certainly while crackin' it up on donut holes!! *lol*). I couldn't do that before. It may seem like the easy way out, but I just have to stick out the hard time because there has GOT to be an end in sight, right?! RIGHT?! Maybe it will come with the next year. Maybe finally I'll be able to forget what I've faced through this year and get back into my grove. Maybe I'll still be struggling. It's all up in the air, but I'm showing up, and I've always told people that even when you're not doing anything else right, if you at least show up then you've got the hardest part down. I hope I'm right!

Few things about comments yesterday:
1. I don't have problems working out (other than injuries now and again...but these injuries, I'm told, have been there but I'm starting to feel the effects because I'm trying to push myself beyond them). NONE of my doctors have said "slow down" or "stop." They say, "Listen to your body and rest when you need to and then try again. If it still hurts, change your tactic." But every last one of them encourages me to continue. Still, the drive is there, I just get frustrated with the lack of results.

2. I really wonder how much my depo has caused some of this. Not the foot/hip/knee thing, of course, but a lot of the other problems. It might be time to reevaluate with the good doctor because I should beyond the point of having ANY symptoms of that "special time" but I've had cramps for 2 weeks now, at least.

3. A LOT of this, yes, is stress enduced. I've had people I barely know hear me say, "I try to do too much sometimes" and they shout, loudly, like they've been wanting to say it for a while now but didn't know how to without hurting my feelings or something, "YES!" I know that. But I wasn't built for slacking. It's one reason I love my vacations, because I can escape that a little bit and have full days of stuff I LIKE to do instead of stuff I HAVE to do. (No, that's not right, I love vacations because I can get done my HAVE tos and still have time for the fun stuff because WORK is out of the equation...work takes up a LOT of time! A LOT!! I leave at 7am and don't get to the gym until 6:45pm if I go straight there. That's the biggest chunk of my day GONE!)

But sometimes life is all about doing what you HAVE to do.

I HAVE to work 10 hour shifts to save money on gas since I work an hour away from home.
I HAVE to work an hour away from home because there aren't any jobs where I live and moving is stupid since we now own where we live.
I HAVE to workout if I want to lose weight. I'm not the kind of girl who can sit at her desk and eat celery sticks for lunch. I like to have my cake and eat it too, so I have to work out to be able to do that and not get 400+ pounds again!
I HAVE to take care of my kids. DUH!
I HAVE to provide them a full life. I need to be there for sporting events and school events whenever possible because I don't want to miss those moments and they need my support and encouragement, now especially.
I HAVE to bolster my relationship with the Hubs because sometimes life gets hard and mundane and we forget that we love each other too, instead of thinking in terms of "trying to survive."
I HAVE to clean my house because no amount of bitching or whining has convinced my 3 boys that they should pitch in any more than they are. I do demand it of them, but if they don't come through, I have to pitch in and do it or it doesn't get done.
I HAVE to cook healthy meals, because Hubs knows these 3 staples -- Spaghetti, Chili and Slow Cooker Pot Roast. I try to cycle those into the meal plans but I'm the kind of person who cannot STAND to have the same thing every day of the week. HATE that! I love variety.
I HAVE to make sure the dog and cats are taken care of because they're like my second set of kids.
I HAVE to coupon, because our finances would have us sinking otherwise.

So, yeah, there are thing I HAVE to do. I HAVE to look for a second job right now too because we need extra cash for the things I want to be able to do in life (like buy a HOUSE and pay off the car). Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean I don't LIKE doing them.

I LIKE spending time with my kids.
I LIKE the satisfaction I get from a hard day's work.
I LIKE the feeling I get when I look around and realize I've cleaned everything and it's pretty and great.
I LIKE couponing because the only thing that tastes better than a candy bar is a FREE candy bar! (*lol* Joke around our house...)
I LIKE my kids, my husband, my pets and I like taking care of them.

Of course, I could do without having to do the BULK of cleaning, but I'm still working on that. Hard to enforce rules when I'm just not home much.

So, this life is hard sometimes, yes...but this is the life I have chosen. And I choose to try every day to make it better - better job, healthier eating habits, fitter and smaller body, more financially secure, etc.

I have to remember that these are choices as well as HAVE TO's.

Now, the question is...will I CHOOSE to eat that cupcake....
....we shall see.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TIGERJANE 10/20/2011 5:09PM

    I've been craving cupcakes like a mad woman!

You're so close to getting under 300!!!

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CALLIKIA 10/20/2011 4:46PM

    I ate the cupcake but it was just a tiny little thing and counted as my snack. :)

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KKINNEA 10/20/2011 3:48PM

    How about a half a cupcake - a little bit good and a little bit bad? That downward trend in weight looks great - rooting you on!

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JESSASAURUSFLEX 10/20/2011 3:04PM

    Girl, I here you on all of this.
The day I went under 300 I danced for sure...

You have come so far, keep it up!!!

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KIMBERLYSWEET 10/20/2011 2:12PM

    We're only human,go for what you know and what makes you happy

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BLACK-PRINCESS 10/20/2011 2:11PM

    emoticon hang in there

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