Thursday, October 27, 2011
So maybe I'm having a bit of a mid-life crisis (I either am going to die at 60 or, like usual, I'm doing things earlier than most) because I keep feeling like my life is basically over. Not sure why it hit me so hard but I suddenly feel old and like there is very little to look forward to that will be "new" in my life. Strange.
Yesterday, after a week of NOTHING, I had to pull myself kicking and screaming to the gym. Had it not been for having to drop off some movie rentals across the street, I probably would not have even gone. As I told Hubs last night, I got there, told myself, "Okay, I've gotten this far, might as well do the next thing." All the way through until I had my clothes on and had walked upstairs to the treadmill I had to keep talking to myself that way.
My run wasn't exactly stellar. I did more speedwork and think I may have pushed a tiny bit too hard. Once again, I felt like puking after it was over, but didn't (thank goodness!). It's hard for me to gauge what I can do with what I can't yet and what I need to try to see if I can. Last night I ran at 5.4 speed on the TM for one minute...and that was probably a little TOO fast for right now, but I did it, I managed, I made it through. I did about 5 speed intervals and walked at 3.5 the rest of the time (while the crazy boxer wannabe beside me was jogging at a 3.7 pace punching the air and pointing to the ceiling like he was a rockstar or Babe Ruth calling his shot (was it Babe who did that?) and acting like a general dolt *rolleyes*). Did a total of 1.75 miles in 26 minutes. Of course I didn't, like I had planned, follow that with 10-15 minutes on the elliptical or ST. I barely made myself go to the gym so by the time I felt like hurling after my run I just wanted to go home. I did stretch beforehand, though - and got in some crunches too. Not perfect, not even close to what I had planned, but something.
Tonight the plan is to go straight to Zumba, even though my left shin kinda hurts and my back was hurting last night. I have a chiro appointment tomorrow morning so I'd rather do it now so CC can gauge how well my body is holding the alignment. *shrug* I can't make any promises that I *WILL* go, but I'm sticking it in my head that I'm headed there right after work. (And secretly hoping my Zumba instructor cancels.)
I've been all back and forth, off and on lately. I have times of great inspiration and motivation and then have times where I just give up and give in and want to crawl under my desk or into the corner.
Working has helped, even though I feel exhausted all the time. Today I was walking around in a daze. Still getting things done but it feels like a chore...and yet it also is a blessing because it keeps my mind focused on doing something, fixing things I CAN fix.
Tomorrow I'm hoping to feel better. I say that every day and this morning was a little easier than yesterday and the day before. Also because tomorrow I'm going to spend a considerable amount of time out with Hubs, who surprised me last night when I asked him how I needed to work our time around his schedule and he said, "Don't you worry about that."
Plan for tomorrow -
9am - Chiro appointment
Then grab breakfast and off to Old Navy
ON is having a huge sale tomorrow - one of their tote stuffer type deals and we'll get 40% off everything we can squeeze into this big tote bag. I'm hoping to grab some winter stuff, some compression running pants (for when it gets too cold for capris), some pants for Ethan, some shirts for Logan, and whatever cheap-cheap-cheap stuff we can find.
Next door to ON is a Panera so we may grab some lunch there before returning home.
4:30pm - I have an appointment at the gym. I was so hopeful to have a weight number under 310, but now I'm not so sure anymore that it will happen. I keep weighing in at 309...sad when I started this week (before we found out what happened) at 306. Stress hurts...so does eating your feelings and not working out because you aren't strong enough to stand up or stop crying.
And then we'll probably have football practice as Ethan's team has the semi-final championship game this Sunday against the #1 seated team. I'm not that hopeful, but it's been hard to be hopeful about anything lately.
Of course, Saturday is my LDR in the morning, where I'll be hoping to get somewhere between 3-4 miles of running in, and Trick-or-Treating at night for the boys.
And then Sunday is couponing and the big game. Hoping my newspapers show up at my house that morning (just signed up for a subscription) because they didn't ask for directions and I'm not sure anyone really knows where to go to find me. So I will probably get up early just to make sure I don't have to run to town to get papers.
Trying not to feel so blah, guys...I promise. It's been harder than I ever expected and there are moments when I want to slap myself and tell myself how stupid I'm acting over a damn cat...and then I realize how much it all means and how it's connecting in my head and...well, I've cried every single day since Monday and it hasn't been any fun fighting those feelings and fighting the loss. Like I said, it's also way too quiet in the house...and I keep wondering if my other cat is just happy that she's gone or if she misses her, which is stupid but whatever, and then I go between resenting my other cat to wanting to hug her to bits and hold onto her tighter than ever. I know how stupid I sound in my head, but...well, I didn't go through this as a kid. I had the same dog growing up my entire life and we treated her like a part of the family. Not until I moved out and had my own kids that she had to be put down because she couldn't hear, see, and was in pain. So I never went through the loss of pets as a kid and I guess I didn't realize what it would be like...especially since I'm a pet parent and not a pet owner. Not to mention the feeling of "old" and "boring" I'm getting now that she's gone. *sigh*
Thanks for putting up with me, though. Thanks for all the kind words and encouragement and support and all of it. I really do appreciate it, even if I'm not strong enough to send replies and/or talk about it in a conversation yet.
Okay, back to work...I can handle that...
EDIT: One cute thing I wanted to mention about the gym last night. One of the ladies there (one of the group that came over and congratulated me after my pathetic 2-miler in July) came up to me as I was just starting my run on the TM. I plucked out my headphone and she said, "Don't stop on my account!" and smiled and then proceeded to ask me to join her and a friend for a Turkey Trot in Parkersburg on Thanksgiving morning. I thanked her politely and told her I would be in SC, running a Turkey Trot there with my sister and mom. It felt great to be asked. And before she left I turned to her and said, "Hey! Thanks for thinking of me!" :) That felt kinda good. I hope they invite me to another race sometime when I can actually say yes. It's been more than a year and it would be super nice to have a "workout buddy"....but it's hard to make friends at the gym. I've gone from not knowing anyone, to knowing some names and faces and them knowing mine, to talking to them in passing and joking around. When does the "wanna work out together?" part come in, I kept asking myself...and then I got asked..and I had to say "no, thanks..." *lol* I really hope she asks again. (Of course, nearly broke my heart when she asked, "So how much more have you lost?" and I had to admit that it was VERY little...but I'm trying to forget that part.)
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
So I fell apart a little bit again this morning but now I'm in "get my mind off it" mode...which means I want to go places and do things and be anywhere but sitting still and thinking about what just happened and what I'll miss. I've noticed that when I'm working on something here at work, I don't think about it as much. It still creeps in here and there because of the newness of it all, but just sitting doing nothing is like an open excuse to let my mind contemplate what happened over and over and over...
My mini breakdown this morning included the following "fun size" candy bars consumed:
1 baby ruth
And they weren't all that good, honestly. Fun size does not necessarily = fun.
I followed that with another meltdown at lunch with comfort food I generally avoid like its tainted with plague - KFC's Mashed Potato Bowl. (MMMMM!)
So, I stick this stuff in my tracker and I'm expecting to be sad and angry at myself, but it doesn't happen. In relation to what I'm going through, one day of serious madness (especially following yesterday, where I basically fasted between the hours of 11am and 8pm) can be forgiven. It all can. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter all that much.
Plus, I thought to myself, this could've been much worse. I've had several other thoughts about other "bad" things I could eat. I nearly ran down to CVS on my break to grab a box of cheez-its, which I would have inhaled. And, of course, I can't have those without Coke, preferrably the Cherry version. And then a couple hours ago, I wanted more chocolate...but all that's left in my drawer is a lonely twix and some starburst...and I don't want them, and I know that, and I told myself that and closed the drawer.
And adding it all to my tracker doesn't look overly horrible. I might be a little over on my calorie goals for today, but I've survived that before. Plus, there is no bomb to disable here...I'm on no time limit. Why did it take this happening for me to see that? I can be imperfect. Everyone is. We get hurt, we slip up, we fall down, but we're still alive...and we have to keep on being alive. So why spend the next year, month, week, day, or even hour or minute beating myself up about what I did or didn't do. What the hell good is that going to do? Who the hell cares?! As I used to say, "Coulda, shoulda, woulda...well, you didn't and you can't, so move on." (Dang, I was quippy as a young girl!)
Still, I'm anxious to fill my time with stuff to do (hence, more than likely, the eating) - I want to go for a run. I want to Zumba tonight and then go for a run and then lift weights for 60 minutes and then cook dinner and then lay down in bed and go to sleep without there being any energy left for crying or thinking. Yes, I realize I'm avoiding, but my heart hurts and I'd rather spend this heartache actively doing something that will help me in the long run than digressing and regressing and eating my way through it. So there!
Of course, the problem is that I still have 2 hours left here and the outside looks so beautiful and I'd rather be there. So now I have to find something else to fill my time here...and I have to find things to fill my time all week. And what do I do better than anything else? PLAN, Watson! I PLAN like a friggin' ROCKSTAR. So, off I go, to plan the next few weeks of avoidance. It ain't healthy, per se, but it's healthier than the alternative.
Now who wants to go play tennis or something?
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Not that it matters but I'm up 1/2 a pound from yesterday. My eating was crap. For most of the day eating just didn't seem appealing at all. I only ate 1/2 my bagel in the morning and then forced myself to eat the sandwich I prepared for lunch because I knew I should. I don't even remember if I got all my water in, but I think I did.
At 2:30pm I left work and headed straight home. The boys came home and we found out that Ethan had already seen Max that morning before school. He had a super rough day yesterday because he's sensitive like his mom. When he stepped off the bus all I saw was angry face. He was P.O.ed and wanted to hurt someone over what happened. Later the tears came and wouldn't stop. Logan was stoic as always. Shocked and searching for what he should do/say. It wasn't until we buried Max that he shed a few tears...and then later last night I went in to tell him goodnight and caught him sobbing alone in his room. Both Dad and I talked to him and then sent him to bed. He was still sad this morning when he went off to school. He's like that. He'll stew for a long time.
All the way home I let myself cry, hoping I'd be all cried out before I told the boys. I was good until Logan turned to me after being quiet for a long time after we told him and said, "I never got a really good picture of her." Broke my heart. (He's just started getting into photography and has his own digital camera. Turns out he had one picture of her but he didn't think it was good enough.)
I'm still sad today. I sobbed while we buried her. I sobbed after. Even this morning it's been hard not to break down. I know time will heal it, but I finally opened up to Hubs last night that I'm terrified about what this will do to me. And it's bringing up feelings I never expected to have...like mourning the idea of having another child. I know Hubs is done and I guess I always thought maybe I'd change his mind one day...but the more time passes, the more I realize that we're probably done birthing children. As for pets? I'm terrified to love again. Sad, right?
So, just get through today. Try to make it through each day. She was the most unexpected thing to happen to us in years, and it's so sad to see that end along with the beautiful, wonderful little thing she was.
Okay, so that's enough of that. I'm done talking about it here at least. Going to attempt to recover. Going to hope the swelling in my eyes goes down eventually. Going to hope the break in my heart heals too. Don't know why this one hit me so hard, but ....ouch. I guess I just miss her. It's too quiet without her...
Monday, October 24, 2011
So, yes, today sucks.
I couldn't get up this morning. Monster headache from screaming at the game yesterday (they did win so Ethan's team advances to the semi-finals) and pure exhaustion from a crazy weekend. I stumbled in and out of bed getting the boys out the door for school and then about 20 minutes after Ethan leaves I hear Joey barking up a storm outside. I figure he must be barking at something because it's his "Hey, look!" bark and not the annoying, "I want attention" one. I open the door and there, right next to the road, is my littlest kitty, Max.
So, yeah, I'm going to try to get through this blog without crying, but I make no promises. Max showed up on our porch 2 years ago about this same time. I was just remarking about how she must've just celebrated a birthday. She was a wonderful cat - full of vigor and life, and the LOUDEST purr machine I have ever heard in my entire life. You could hear her from across the room. We'd dubbed her my hub's cat because they had full on cuddle sessions just about every night.
So this morning, when I'm pulling him out of bed screaming and crying about our poor baby girl (yes, I'm that kind of pet parent), I'm also feeling awful because I know he's holding it together just for me. Me? I lost it. I still can't get it out of my head and I want to rewind and go back to last night and just keep her in the house all night so this didn't happen.
Hubs said it best. "Max, I don't know where you came from, and I don't know where you're going...but you were a great cat." Yep. *stops tears*
So, now the hardest part is that we have to tell the boys tonight and I have to try to hold it together. That and the fact that I feel betrayed by someone, something to have a second cat stolen from me like this...and betrayed that I only got to have her around for 2 years. Totally not fair.
So, yeah. I'm a mess today. I don't care anything about weight loss or dieting or working out. I'll do what I feel like doing. If I think a run will help the pain, I'll do it. But if I need to just alternate between crying and sleeping, I'll do that.
I'm a mess today.
And I leave in 15 minutes to meet the boys at home.
And I'm dreading every second of it...and the look I know I'll see on Ethan's face and on Logan's, who always takes everything well but I know will lose it when he hears this, and that will send me off again.
Hubs said he'll tell them, but I have to be there. I don't know why, I just know I have to be there.
Sucks. Hug your kitties and doggies today. Take them for a walk. Or, do like me, and lock the other cat you have left in the house because, as Hubs says, "We can't loose Tigg or you'd just die!"
Not a good day...but there's my daily blog (because I've been trying to be consistent with at least that).
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Weight Last Week: 311.0
Weight Goal for This Week: 309.0
Actual Weight This Week: 307.6
Weight Lost/Gained This Week: -3.4 pounds!
Total Weight Lost with SP: 108.6 pounds
Total Weight Lost from Highest: 159 pounds
Yesterday was great...and it sucked too. *lol* I did go for my morning run. Shoes felt great and are fully broken in now. Did 4.01 miles in 1 hour and 2 minutes, so even adding the extra 1/2 a mile to my longest run ever (ran 3.5 miles with my usual 1/4 mile warm-up and 1/4 mile cool down). I have to say that I hit a few walls. And I nearly got attacked by a dog too! *lol* But at the end I felt I could've gone a little longer, and that's always a good sign. That being said, I could feel my hip resisting a bit. I gauged the pain level 1-10 and never got above about a 5-6, though it was growing in that last mile. Thankfully I came straight home, stretched, and iced the hip and it felt better, so my recovery time is improving.
I got to rest for about 2 hours before Hubs got up and the torture began. *lol* All day as we were cleaning like mad people and I keep saying, "I don't know how long I can keep doing this!" the whole family kept saying, "I don't know why you ran this morning when you knew we were going to do this today." *sigh* DUH! I needed to run because I haven't all week. Surprisingly I lasted for 3 hours before we broke for lunch/dinner and then went back at it for another 3 hours.
I donated a TON of clothes that are now too big for me, leaving only a few things for before/after pictures in the future. Still, I'm left with a considerably large wardrobe and not really any place to put it. This has been our main problem. We need more drawer space - a bigger dresser or a second dresser or something. Hubs and I discussed last night getting some plastic shelving units to hold us over until we can shop for another dresser. (When we swap them out for a new dresser, I can use them for my stockpile! *lol*)
I overate again yesterday (I mean, I ate over my suggested ranges) but I also burned a crapton of calories. I just tried to listen to my body throughout the day and eat when I was hungry or needed more fuel to continue. Second day in a row that worked, but I'm not counting on it because I'm exhausted right now and I doubt I could continue at this pace all the time. So that means, eat within my ranges and workout as scheduled...and rest when needed.
So, another good week and I'm trying to remind myself of the progress instead of being anxious that it will all go up in a puff of smoke for whatever reason. This week is just as important, especially considering that I have another gym weigh-in on Friday and I want to finally be under 310 on their scales. Last month was so depressing for me when my home scale said 312 in the morning and their scale put me at 316 again. (I don't get to weigh-in there until 4:30pm, so I get the added pressure of being below what I want in the morning so I can get the numbers I want that night.)
So, my weight goal for next week is: 305.6
As always, I hope for a 2 pound loss, but I do have to share with you that each month I set a goal for myself, which I stick on a sticky note at work to remind me whenever I want to dip into the many candy bowls around my office. Since the beginning of October my sticky has said:
--- Goal for November: 04.0 ----
So, it'd be nice to have another 3 pound week, but I'd honestly be okay if I was one or two pounds above that, as long as I'm still seeing progress. Of course, each goal is just a stepping stone to my main goal right now of being 298 by the end of 2011, so that's what I'm constantly working toward each month/week/day. Secretly, I'd love to be there before my trip to SC to visit family for the Thanksgiving holiday. I'd love to share that wonderful tidbit with my mom and sister then and let them know just how far I've come. Sometimes I think they figured I would've stopped losing by now, that I would've run out of steam...and sometimes it does feel like 2011 was like that. But if I can just make these last few months count, then maybe there won't be as much pressure to put on myself at the start of the year. Plus, it'd be nice to have my family recognize that, yes, things got tough, but I'm sticking it out for the long haul.
I remember last Thanksgiving all too well...when my sister asked how much weight I lost and I told her 80 pounds and her response was, "That's it?!" It broke my heart because in my head it felt like she was saying I hadn't done enough...and no matter how many times she and my mom clarified that what she meant was that I looked like I had lost more than that, I still felt that twinge of "not good enough." That sounds so silly to me now! *lol*
So, yes, I'm moving forward again, and that feels great. I just have to keep up with it. Keep icing and taking care of my body. Hubs' aunt worried that my shoes weren't supportive enough when I mentioned that I was icing my hip, and it was the first time I admitted that this was a problem I would likely always have. With each run I do, I get stronger and protect myself from the pain, but I will always have to take care of it - 300 pounds or 150, I will always have to remember that my body was damaged by my overweight lifestyle and now the most important thing I can do is keep it healthy and active and fit to fight off the effects from those years of abuse.
Yesterday was also the first day I admitted to Hubs my frustration with progress by number. I was worried that all the overworking yesterday would lead to a gain on the scale as it usually does. I know that when I overwork that my body tends to swell up with water to repair my damaged muscles. But when I step on the scale and get a disappointing number, even knowing why they happen and that they aren't "real" per se, I get frustrated. "Because THEY don't care if I did 4 miles or if my heart is the heart of an athlete or if I actually have a rounded butt now and not a flabby shelf or if I could exercise them under the table and outlast them by hours, not just seconds or minutes. All THEY care about is 'How much weight have you lost.'" What "they"? Why, the collective they we all snap to in our frustration, of course. And also the people at the Weight Management program, because I'm so scared they're going to kick me out of the program because I haven't been losing the 2-4 pounds a month like they want. *lol* I guess, in a way, it was good for me to hear that frustration, because it reminded me of all the progress I've made in 2011, even without big numbers on the scale.
Looking back, I shouldn't have survived this downfall I've experienced. The old me would have given up out of frustration. But the new me, the one who seems determined to live every day to the fullest, can't stop. She can't say the word "quit" without throwing up a little in her mouth. She can't admit defeat or let "them" win. She can't imagine life without basketball with the kids, running on a beautiful day (like yesterday), surprising herself and others with her stamina. She can't give up the "I DID IT!" spirit or imagine going back to a life full of watching TV for hours on end, doing little to nothing and getting winded, or simply being too tired, overweight, or unable to participate in all the fun things that give her opportunities to smile and laugh in the joy of this crazy, messed up life she's living. She knows now that a stressful week at work can be erased by a great, active weekend with the boys - laughing and carrying on. She knows that anger can subside with a good, strong workout. And that the frustration in herself can be diminished with a "I feel shaky" moment after a tough circuit round.
Every time I do a burpee, I still surprise myself. Every time I realize I can do more pushups than I could a month ago, I get giddy. Every time I keep up with my boys, every time I say yes when I used to say "No, sorry, too tired." I get that feeling of pride back.
So, maybe, just maybe, this year was the year of one of the most important lessons I've needed to learn. I went from trying to create a healthy lifestyle, to living one because it just felt right, because IT IS WHO I AM. I tell people all the time that I had a realization years ago when I thought to myself, crying in bed, how I always wanted to be one of those people who got up and ran 5 miles in the morning before they even started their day. I wanted to be one of those people who took chances and risks and played the game and loved life. And through my lament over who I thought I wasn't, I realized something. Oprah would've called it an "Ah-hah!" moment. I thought about all I wished I was, who I wished I had been born and then I asked myself, "Well, why CAN'T you be that person?" I knew it wasn't going to happen overnight, but something told me that I could make it happen if I tried hard enough. It took me years to get here, to the point where I feel like I kinda AM that girl.
I named this year "The Year of Adventure: Finding My Bliss." I thought through all these crazy activities I planned to do, I would discover who I truly was...finally. Because what was in my head and what was in my life just didn't mesh. But, I'm realizing now, it wasn't the adventures I planned that made me discover myself this year...it was the moments of struggle I had to overcome, the things I didn't plan. Who was it that said, "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans?" I get that now. Every struggle was a lesson in overcoming. And with every step I made toward progress, whether with glee or (more likely) out of anger, I started to realize how much I have in me.
I'm no longer the girl sitting on the sidelines wishing she could play. I'm the girl out there making a fool out of herself. Not always succeeding because parts of her still flabby body tend to get in the way, but the girl who still tries and won't take "CAN'T" for an answer.
I'll admit it - it's the end of October and I've already started wondering what's in store for next year. I try not to focus on it too much because I can't go back to being that girl whose diet starts on Monday. (There used to be a joke/quote in WW when I was younger -- "The problem with diets is Monday." or something like that. It meant that the biggest problem people had with changing their lives in terms of weight loss was the days leading up to the day they planned to start, the waiting period. Eliminate that thought of "When THIS DAY comes, I'll start..." and just start right now, even if it's 5pm and you've already eaten 3000 calories today. Make a concerted effort in that moment you feel it to do something that will help you achieve your goals.) The one thing I know about next year is that I want to do some more of the things on my list. The ones sticking in my head the most right now are white water rafting and ziplining. Because they both terrify me and thrill me to think about. It means getting under the 290 weight limit for ziplining before the spring/summer season hits. I also know that I want to reenter the race that nearly broke my heart and spirit this year - the Firecracker 2 Miler. For some reason, I think I need to face that demon again and overcome it. Not for the doubters in the crowd, but for me...for the tears I cried after and the anger and frustration I felt.
Okay, enough revelations for today. *lol* I'm off to start my Sunday. Going to definitely try to stick in some yoga/stretching today, but today is my rest day. Going to go grab some papers and coupon my morning away and then it's off to Ethan's quarter final game against the team that beat them in their last regular season game. I REALLY want them to win this one. A LOT! Not so much so they can advance to the semi-finals, but because I want these kids to go out with a bang. It's time to face the demons they fought in that last game. They went in with vigor, but with doubt...and after the first score by the other team, they deflated and, in some ways, simply gave up. I know from what I saw in that game that these kids CAN be beat by our kids...they just need to have the right attitude.
(Okay, one more thing I wanted to mention that I find hilarious about myself. I've become Motivation Mom. Yep, I said it. I have this strong desire to go out on the field before each game and give our boys a pep talk. I always think I know just what to say because it's the kind of things that get me through MY workouts. Each game, as we're sitting there watching the coaches talk to them, I plan the speech in my head. It almost always includes the quote I tell Ethan all the time -- "Whether you think you can, or you think you can't...you're right." And I plan that speech in my head, wishing I could be out there pumping up the kids and giving them the motivation to win. Because I have learned one thing throughout all of this that seems overly missed sometimes -- you can be the best at what you do, you can call all the right plays and make all the right moves on the field/court, but if your heart isn't in it, if you don't have the right mindset, you're cutting yourself short. What's the other quote we always use? -- Something like "Nothing can hurt the man with the right mental attitude. Nothing can help the man with the wrong one." The drive, the will to succeed, and the right mental attitude can carry people through feats and stunts they maybe "shouldn't" be able to do. I know that now...and I always want that for our boys. But, alas, until the coaches recognize my amazing powers of motivation (*LMAO*) I'm sidelined. But...I do pump Ethan full of whatever words of wisdom I can before he goes out on the field...and I always tell him that he should be the one spreading that around on the field. ;) Can't fault a Mom for trying, can you?)
Get An Email Alert Each Time CALLIKIA Posts