Thursday, May 20, 2010
Yesterday was ...well, not so great. I was hungry all day. At least mentally hungry. Not sure what the deal is lately. Haven't had any energy all week but I've been trying to push through. I managed to walk yesterday at lunch, through plenty of whining and pouting on my fat chick's part, but I couldn't bring myself to do anymore than that. And then today I woke up late.
It's been on my mind lately just how much I have to lose to get where many of you inspiring people are. I tried surfing Spark yesterday and just ended up more frustrated. Not because anything you guys have done, and not even out of blind jealousy (I don't think), but rather self-hatred. (Damn emotion rears its ugly head once again!)
I read that one girl started her journey because she nearly couldn't fit into the rides at the amusement park. I haven't been able to do that for years. I think I was 16 the last time I rode a ride, beside the rides at Disney World, which I researched "fat rides" prior to.
I read that one girl gained 30 pounds in college. I gained way more than that before I even had college as an excuse.
I saw one girl's picture of her in high school, and now she is working toward looking like that again. I don't have one of these pictures. I weighed nearly 300 pounds when I graduated high school. (Of course, you could think of it as - I don't have too far to go until I match what I looked like in high school - but even then, I'll still be fat.)
I read one girl struggling to stay within her calorie goals of 1300 (which just seems so low to me!). I'm allowed to eat 2200 a day. Why? Because I'm so damn fat. (And I rarely hit them because I'm eating healthy food, and you have to cram a whole lot more healthy food in your mouth for 2200 calories than I did when I was eating hamburgers and fries...I'm just sayin'.)
And Done girls, don't hate me...I'm not done. There's a reason this idea of being done irks me so, and let me try to explain. I understand the concept. I understand using this as motivation to lose weight. But it's just not working for me. At all. Not a tiny bit. Truth of it is, even when I lose 100 pounds, I'm not going to be done. I won't be done being the fat girl for a REALLY long time. I mean YEARS! I try to restructure it to say "I'm done letting the fat girl tell me what to do," and sometimes that works, and other times, it doesn't.
I don't know what it's like to be the skinny girl so many times it's hard for me to say that I'm done being the fat girl. What does that even mean? It took me a long time to learn how to be the fat girl who could still have fun and enjoy things like hiking or swimming. It took me a long time to settle my mind with being the fat girl who didn't let the fat stop her from something she really wanted to do. I went dancing. I put on makeup and looked my hottest. I flirted with guys. I went on airplanes (and yes, I asked for a seat belt extender...and, no, it didn't break my heart to do it). I traveled. I even ran the first two weeks of the C25K program as training for a trip to New York.
I took the time to remind myself that being fat did not mean I was dead. It also did not mean I was lazy or stupid or a million other things people thought, and still think, about us "fat folk." And now? Now I have another hurdle in front of me...letting that fat girl mentality go and finding a skinny girl mentality. I just don't really know how to do that right now because...well, because the last time I wore a size 16 I was in 6th grade. The last time I rode a bike I was 14. The last time I was skinny was when I was 4, and I don't even remember it. So how to I latch on to something I just don't know?
So I woke up today (late) and headed to work (late). I made myself breakfast first, a healthy breakfast around 400 calories, much like my breakfast every morning now...not because I'm giving into a skinny girl mentality, but because I know it's what's right. Or maybe just because I like it more than McDonald's Sausage McMuffin. It makes me feel better about my day when I start it off right, even if the ending isn't so stellar.
And I sat down at work and started the tedious process of looking for jobs in secret while trying to do work at the same time. And I thought to myself the old adage, "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." And I put in my contacts and put on some makeup and put on my flat, gold dress shoes (will have to work my way back into heels because it's been nearly a year since I've worn them somewhat regulary). And then I wondered...instead of trying to search for a skinny girl mentality (grasping at straws is more like it), maybe I should "Act like I have the life I want, not the life I have." Maybe it's not about adusting to a skinny girl mentality, maybe it's adjusting to a mentality of being healthy and happy and fit, even though my body really isn't right now. (Maybe it's the same thing - hell if I know!)
This morning I was up a little more on the scale, but that doesn't have to define my day. It doesn't have to define me. I can just live like a fit and fabulous woman and hope that one day the outside shows the world that fit and fabulous is exactly what I am.
I'm not saying that this idea is going get me through this VERY long day. I'm not saying that I'm going to happily march my big butt around the ballpark without wishing I was just sitting in the grass reading a book and destressing instead. I can't even say that it will get me through until lunch. But I'm going to try to remember that it's not about what I have to lose, but what I have to gain...and hope that's enough for success.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
It's hump day everyone! I'm considering changing this to hUMPH day in order to challenge myself each Wednesday to give it a little extra and finish the week strong...
I've been thinking a lot about challenges, about working out, and about a 5K. Yep, I said it. I'm thinking of at least walking a 5k before this summer is out. I was checking races yesterday evening and I found a site where you can search for races by state...and it got me thinking...wouldn't it be great to do a race in each and every lower 48 states? (And maybe Hawaii, but I'm not too sure about running through Alaska! *lol*) But before these lofty goals can be put into motion, I should probably just start myself out slow - walking a 5K. Right now I can comfortably walk 1.5 miles, so I'm going to try to work my way up to the 3.1 miles and find a comfortable pace.
My work is changing things around again, moving me to a different department. Let me start off by saying that I have worked in every department in this office other than finance (don't even get me near numbers, I'm sure to screw them up!), so the change is not that big of a surprise. What did sound...well, exciting, is a week-long training in D.C. And do you know what my first thought was, Sparkers? "Hrm...wonder what kind of walks I can do in D.C.?" I had an image of myself jogging past the White House or taking a tour of the city on foot. Doesn't that just sound dreamy? *lol* Now that I think of it, I wonder if the hotel they'll put me in will have a gym...you know, just in case it rains or something...
My second thought, of course, was "Oh my! I'm going to have to really plan ahead on meals for a trip like this!" My work, of course, will pay for all my meals out, but I'm wondering if they'd allow me to go to a grocery store when I get there to pick up some fresh fruit and veggies for snacks, maybe some cheese and hummus and such to stick in the mini fridge? If not I'm going to have to seriously consider what I can and can't eat out.
But until I know when I'm going, I can't do much to plan ahead. Instead, I'll focus on the here and now. Like the fact that it's slightly chilly outside but has not started raining yet. I'm hoping this holds out so I can go for a good walk today. Thinking of taking a different route today...challenging myself a bit...
- Reading the book DLEE suggested for the smoking habit.
- Been too rainy to take Joey for any walks lately.
- No need for grocery limits for now because we really stocked the fridge this weekend!
- I haven't gotten to the cleaning/organizing, but that is my plan of action for Friday.
- I tried to work up a budget for the family the other day in order to see where we could save, but I am seriously lacking when it comes to handling numbers! *lol*
- I've decided that my first reward will be when I hit that 20 lb lost mark, and I'm going to buy myself something for food storage or maybe just a cookbook.
- I haven't written anything yet, except for these AMAZING blogs, yo! ;)
- I have a list of places to send my resumes and am going to go through it today and get to work on that.
- Grad school: still pending.
- I'm currently reading Carrion Comfort by Dan Simmons (category: suggested)
- And I worked all day yesterday trying to give some support to SparkFriends and surfing message boards. Also got hubby to sign up so that he can surf through the recipes and *gulp* maybe even find some muscle building exercises. Hubby is blessed with a great metabolism so losing weight is not really an issue for him.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
So, I didn't take any pictures today, but I still want to go over what I ate today.
6:30am - Breakfast
1/2c egg beaters, 1/4c low-fat mozzarella cheese, 1/2 banana, 16oz coffee with 3Tbsp. Peppermint Mocha creamer
I wanted to start this off the right way. This is a high protein breakfast for me, and I like to eat some sort of fruit in the morning. I am going to start limiting the coffee in the morning until I switch to tea entirely.
11am - Snack of Veggies
1 pkg. Green Giant Garden Medley vegetables, frozen - steamed in microwave bag
I've noticed that the frozen dinners I usually eat don't have enough calories to really make a dent in my daily goals. I'm trying to even out my eating so that I'm not stocking up at dinner. I'm getting better with this.
12:04pm - Exercise
13 min while reading
Took a somewhat leisurely walk around the ball park at lunch today. I wanted to take it easy because I've been sick. I think it's a sinus infection. Plus, my legs are still very sore from this weekend. I then sat outside to read some of my book for a while. It felt great to just have some time to myself!! I think this is what I've been missing lately.
12:45pm - Lunch
Michelina's Lean Gourmet Chicken Alfredo Florentine
Okay, let's face it. I'm totally annoyed by these frozen dinners. They are boring and lack the taste I've come to expect from home cooked healthy meals. So I'm going to try to limit my intake of these. I already packaged some lunch for tomorrow, just need to figure out my snacks for tomorrow as well.
2:30-3:00pm - Snack
1 Mini Bag of Popcorn with Butter, 1 Fiber One Oats and Chocolate bar
I ate the popcorn because it was time for a snack. I ate the Fiber One bar because I wanted it. Now calorie wise this isn't a bad thing, but I have to get out of the habit of just eating because I want to. I need to wait until I'm hungry or until 2-3 hours have passed. It really would've saved me around 5pm when I was all out of energy and ended up falling asleep at my desk for 10 minutes!
8:00pm - Dinner
2 oz. (1 serving) of Slow Cooker Pork Roast, 1c mashed potatoes, 1oz italian bread with butter
I logged this and then realized that I had more calories left, so I went back for an extra cup of mashed potatoes and another 1/2 oz of bread. Of course, again, calorie wise this was fine, but habit wise - not so much. As far as the dinner is concerned, Shane makes an amazing Slow Cooker Pot Roast that is TO DIE FOR! It's also almost 500 calories and 23 grams of fat! So I talked him into using pork this time, and low fat cream of mushroom soups, so it was half the calories and fat!
9:00pm - Exercise, again
22 min on inStride cycle
So I decided to do 20 minutes on the cycle tonight. I bought this thing for like 35 bucks on Amazon. It can be used as a foot or arm cycle, and I can go as fast as I want or as slow as I want. I'm not sure I'm tracking the calorie burn right, I just use the slowest cycling on the fitness tracker and log however many minutes I do. I'm hoping it's around the right calorie burn. Once I did 20 minutes, I decided to do an extra 2 so that I could make it a round 35 minutes for the day.
9:30pm - Dessert
One thing my Momma taught me is that it's okay to give yourself a dessert, as long as you keep within your ranges. This will stop you from feeling deprived of things like chocolate. I found these things in WalMart the other day and said, "There is a God and he's heard my prayers!" *lol*
Mine (Chocolate with Chocolatey Swirls) had 140 calories and 7 grams of fat. It's a little high in sugar, a little high in fat for a regular treat, but for a treat, you can't beat that calorie count! I love drumsticks but they are INSANE! (We're talking 310 calories and 17g of fat with 20 g of sugar!)
So I go to bed with a headache still (stupid sinuses!) but feeling good about my day!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Okay, so I've been away for a few days - but I've had a whole lot going on, so can you really blame me? Told my mom - "Hey! I only get to graduate from college once!" (well, unless of course I go back for my Masters and PhD...but that's beside the point)
So the last you heard of me, I was enjoying a day of snacking at work while my co-workers celebrated my graduation.
I then went to the funeral for Marty, which was beautiful and touching. I held up a friend or two, cried a lot, and paid my respects. Then went to graduation rehearsal, after which I learned that I earned a 3.82 or 3.84 (I don't quite remember) meaning i would graduate summa cum laude. YAY!
Then friends and I went to dinner, where I got a chicken taco salad and a margarita to celebrate.
The next day I slept in a bit, then got up and got ready for a night out. I have to admit that I did not workout on Saturday. I was too busy running around getting everyone ready. The kids stayed up with the in-laws and Shane and I headed to Charleston for Sushi and Beer.
I'll admit it - I drank too much. But I never do that, so I let myself have that night. I had earned it. I was good with that. Stayed out until 1:45am with friends from school and had a really great time listening to some live music.
I barely got up the next morning, and I had a monster headache, but I think the hype of Graduation Day sobered me up. Graduation was very long - like 4 hours! I had to stand in the hot "tunnels" for an hour before we marched out to our seats. Then there was plenty of up-down-up-down at the ceremony when they recognized honor students, those in honor societies, etc. I found out that I was #1 in my class in the English department, which really made me feel so proud!
So I graduated. Got my diploma (with a crooked Summa Cum Laude sticker on it! *lol*) and the day went very well. Tons of pictures were taken, mostly by my mother so I have to wait to get those back. But hubby took a few with me and friends.
Headed out to Logan's afterward where I had a small steak and a baked potato. Shane said I deserved a steak, and I agreed. It was good. I had fun.
Now it's back to reality. Surprisingly, I managed to basically maintain my weight through the chaos. Only gained like .4 pounds, which for me is a HUGE deal! Trying to suffer through very sore legs today - so even though I didn't technically work out on Saturday or Sunday - I did a whole lot of standing and up-down in my seat and my legs are KILLING ME! Feels like I did 100 lunges or squats or something! Missed work because I think I may have picked up whatever the boys have been sick with all last week (and because of my legs) but tomorrow I'm back to work.
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