Monday, May 17, 2010
Okay, so I've been away for a few days - but I've had a whole lot going on, so can you really blame me? Told my mom - "Hey! I only get to graduate from college once!" (well, unless of course I go back for my Masters and PhD...but that's beside the point)
So the last you heard of me, I was enjoying a day of snacking at work while my co-workers celebrated my graduation.
I then went to the funeral for Marty, which was beautiful and touching. I held up a friend or two, cried a lot, and paid my respects. Then went to graduation rehearsal, after which I learned that I earned a 3.82 or 3.84 (I don't quite remember) meaning i would graduate summa cum laude. YAY!
Then friends and I went to dinner, where I got a chicken taco salad and a margarita to celebrate.
The next day I slept in a bit, then got up and got ready for a night out. I have to admit that I did not workout on Saturday. I was too busy running around getting everyone ready. The kids stayed up with the in-laws and Shane and I headed to Charleston for Sushi and Beer.
I'll admit it - I drank too much. But I never do that, so I let myself have that night. I had earned it. I was good with that. Stayed out until 1:45am with friends from school and had a really great time listening to some live music.
I barely got up the next morning, and I had a monster headache, but I think the hype of Graduation Day sobered me up. Graduation was very long - like 4 hours! I had to stand in the hot "tunnels" for an hour before we marched out to our seats. Then there was plenty of up-down-up-down at the ceremony when they recognized honor students, those in honor societies, etc. I found out that I was #1 in my class in the English department, which really made me feel so proud!
So I graduated. Got my diploma (with a crooked Summa Cum Laude sticker on it! *lol*) and the day went very well. Tons of pictures were taken, mostly by my mother so I have to wait to get those back. But hubby took a few with me and friends.
Headed out to Logan's afterward where I had a small steak and a baked potato. Shane said I deserved a steak, and I agreed. It was good. I had fun.
Now it's back to reality. Surprisingly, I managed to basically maintain my weight through the chaos. Only gained like .4 pounds, which for me is a HUGE deal! Trying to suffer through very sore legs today - so even though I didn't technically work out on Saturday or Sunday - I did a whole lot of standing and up-down in my seat and my legs are KILLING ME! Feels like I did 100 lunges or squats or something! Missed work because I think I may have picked up whatever the boys have been sick with all last week (and because of my legs) but tomorrow I'm back to work.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Just wanted to thank you all for the positive energy you've been sending my way. I'm feeling a little better today, and feel like I'm strong enough to get through it. I haven't felt strong for a couple days, so it's a good feeling to get that back.
Also wanted to mention that everyone at work noticed that I've lost weight today! Made me feel really good. And I shared with them the secrets of healthy weight loss - slight modifications. I brought in Black Bean Brownies, Pink Stuff, and Low-Fat Cheesy Potatoes. All went over brilliantly!
I make the cheesy potatoes every time we have a function here, and I knew people would be upset if they didn't get to have them again...so I tweaked the recipe. Left out the butter, used fat-free cheese and low fat sour cream, and nobody seemed to mind a bit! As for the brownies - everyone is shocked that you can puree black beans and use them with a brownie mix instead of eggs and oil and such. "Really? Just black beans? Surely you added water...no? Wow!" and "They taste just like a brownie!" was all I heard.
The pink stuff is something my mom still eats all the time following her GP surgery. I went easy on the marshmallows (mom leaves them out) and upped the pineapples, and used sugar free jello and low fat cool whip (think I'll get fat free next time, but I already had the low fat at the house, so I didn't feel like buying any more.
I think I'll go take pictures of everything now! *lol*
I honestly didn't feel much like working out last night, so I tricked myself into it. I grabbed a cart at WalMart and went shopping ALL AROUND THE STORE for over an hour with my youngest son. On the one hand, it just felt like shopping, but I knew I was getting my exercise in by doing it, so SCORE! So I didn't end my streak even though I had a "bad day" - this is a major improvement! Now to just keep myself away from the donuts today! (Hungry today from the non-eating day yesterday...for some reason my body feels the need to make it up all in one day...silly body!)
Thursday, May 13, 2010
I posted on my feed earlier that I was in a bad mood and I didn't know why. That isn't true. I guess I just wasn't ready to talk about it yet, so I pushed it aside. But now that I'm done with finals I have time to sit down and reflect. I warn you that this isn't going to be motivational. I try not to harp on negatives, but today I can't run fast enough anymore. Time to stop and realize that the truth is staring me down.
Late last week, one of my very best friends texted me to inform me that her father had passed away. I didn't know her father, but I really wanted to be there for her in whatever way I could. Unfortunately, I had finals. I missed the funeral service. I didn't get a chance to send a card or flowers. So I did what I could. I told her that I was there if she needed anything, and then I took a step back. I let her be with her family and grieve, because I knew she was surrounded by a huge extended family that would be better able to comfort her than I could. Today I called her to let her know that I was sorry for what I didn't do, and she told me that she understood - which I knew she would. I told her that when the pain had died down a little, I would be there to take her out for a drink...to help her move on. But for right now I knew she needed to just say goodbye on her own.
Then on Monday, beautiful Marty left this world. He left it in a violent way, and I was hurt, and angry and confused. I prayed for peace for him. And though I didn't know him very well, it stung. I mean, deep within me it stung. I didn't know why. It didn't make any sense to me. I knew I had always been an emotional person and from time to time I suffer the most severe survivor's guilt due to my inability to find my own self-worth. But this wasn't it this time. This was something different. All I knew at the time was that I had friends all around me who were hurting, and I was hurting right along with them.
My distance allowed me to get through the past couple of days, but today I woke up plauged by nightmares and thoughts of Marty the night before. Every time I closed my eyes I saw his face. This face that I had come to look for to brighten my day, now smiled at me and made me uncomfortable. Still I wasn't sure why. Not until I drove into the parking lot at school today, prepared to walk in the very same room where I had last seen his smile. And it hit me like a ton of bricks.
When I was in high school, I knew another beautiful boy named Seth. We weren't the closest friends, but we had grown up together in a way...and by junior year we were beginning to get closer. I knew his struggles at home, and his deep homesicknesses for the school, friends, and family he had just left. And one night as we joked on the drive home and I dropped him off outside his door, he smiled at me, gave me a "See you tomorrow!" and I never saw him again. That night he committed suicide in his house.
The event broke me. It sent me down a spiral of depression I couldn't understand, and couldn't crawl out of for years. And one day, right before I started my last weight loss journey years ago, I said goodbye. I told him that I loved him, but that I couldn't carry him around with me anymore. He was too heavy to carry and it was killing me. And I let him go.
As people go, Seth and Marty were of the same mold. They were made from the same fiber and of the same essence. There was a kindred spirit in Marty I hadn't found since I lost Seth. I didn't realize it until today that my brain had connected the two events, the two spirits. And I realized then where my bad mood had come from. Once again, I was called upon to say goodbye. And not only to Marty, but to everyone I had come to know in the past 3 years.
Today was my last day of undergrad at WVSU. I didn't appreciate it much when I was going all the time. I complained about teachers and rude "kids" and all that went along with homework, essays, and tedious but useless assignments. But now that I'm having to say goodbye, well...it's hard.
I'm sure to some people this might sound completely rediculous. But, like I said, I am a VERY emotional person. When something hits me, it hits me HARD.
So this week has been all about saying goodbye, and I'm trying to use this as a way to understand my eating habits when things like this happen. What I've found is that I'm not an emotional eater, as everyone once thought. In fact, the opposite. When the world is in chaos, I don't eat. And when I do, well, it's difficult to be mindful about what you're eating when your mind is elsewhere. I eat because I know it's time to eat. I'm not hungry. I could go all day without more than a headache to clue me in, which I would likely contribute to crying too much.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this to all of you. I guess I just need some way to remind myself that when the crap hits the fan, I can choose whether to hold on for dear life or just let go. Since I know what the fall is like, I'm trying to remember to hold on this time.
I ate at McDonald's for breakfast, but I just got one thing, and I tracked it. For lunch, well, I couldn't bring myself to eat more than about a cup of granola. But after that final I picked up a small chili and baked potato at Wendy's. I'm trying to pull myself out of auto-pilot, but it's been really hard. So I need to remember this for the next time, and just pray I make it through this weekend in one piece.
Tomorrow is Marty's funeral, followed by graduation rehearsal and a reception at school. Saturday is a graduation dinner with friends. And Sunday is the finale...graduation.
So I guess what I expected to be an easy week for me, one of the happiest in fact, has turned more emotional than I expected. If you pray, please pray for me. If not, please send me some good wishes or "happy thoughts" because I'm going to need them. Because this weekend I have to try to perfect the art of saying goodbye and not falling apart while I do it...
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Every time I visit YOOVIE I'm reminded that "Life is a Verb". Now the English Major in me wants to argue - No...LIVE is a verb, life is a noun (or an adjective)...but I get what's she's saying. This nit-pick habit of mine, led me to a conclusion last night.
When we lose something, it is usually a very sad thing. We lose a friend or a loved one and we need time to grieve. (I learned that especially this week, and that was only an acquaintance.) But when I say "I lost 10 pounds!" I really don't need to grieve...it's cause to celebrate. So why do we say we "LOSE" weight? I mean, I understand the concept...I comprehend "LOSE weight," but I just had to look it up. (Thank you dictionary.com!)
LOSE (is a verb! *lol*)
There are 28 definitions for this verb including the following:
- to come to be without (something in one's possession or care), through accident, theft, etc., so that there is little or no prospect of recovery
- to fail inadvertently to retain (something) in such a way that it cannot be immediately recovered
- to suffer the deprivation of
- to fail to keep, preserve, or maintain
- to give up; forfeit the possession of
- to stray from or become ignorant of
Wow! All pretty negative there. Truth is, I won't "suffer the deprivation of" those 17 pounds I've lost so far. I didn't "fail inadvertently to retain" them either, I worked my butt off in order to get them to go away! I didn't "give up" anything, and I'm less "ignorant" today than I ever have been, at least in regards to my health and well-being.
There are some shining definitions though:
- to get rid of (which is the meaning given for losing weight)
- to leave far behind in a pursuit, race, etc. (that's a little better...I am pursuing something, and as we run we leave these pounds behind -- "Eat my dust!")
But my favorite of all...
- to condemn to hell; damn.
Now that's what I'm talking about! Bye-bye extra weight! Good riddance! I don't need you anymore! Burn! BURN in the fiery pits of hell! MWAHAHAHA!
So the next time you "lose" some weight, think of it burning away in hell, never able to return to you. You've condemned it through all your hard work! You left it behind in your race toward your goal! Hopefully that little bugger doesn't give out your address to his buddies...gotta keep running to keep them behind you as well!
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