Saturday, October 22, 2011
Yesterday was uber successful. Blood work session had very few glitches and I'm hoping I can stop spending every Friday at the doctor's office now. *rolls eyes* Thankfully the same nurse who gave me my shot last week (which I still have a bruise from, thank you very much) didn't draw my blood yesterday. PHEW! She gave me the look of death and I just ignored her. (While mumbling some not-so-nice words in my head and rubbing my bruised arm.)
As I posted yesterday, I decided to take my day off and go get running shoes (FINALLY!). I got there, showed them the 2 pairs of shoes I had, and then waited to see if they could do any better. I tried on about 5 pairs of shoes. One in my size, 11 wide, and 4 in 11.5. Dude at the store told me that if I can't find a wide shoe in my size then it's customary to just go up 1/2 a size to accommodate. A lot of the 11.5s felt loose, but there was one that actually fit. Still, the one size 11 2Es he gave me first, a pair of beautiful Asics, felt better than any of the others. He asked me, "So do you just want to stick with what's on sale or...?" "No!" I said quickly. "I want what is absolutely best for me." Turns out those Asics were best. Good support, great arch support (which is why I totally love my Nike shoes) and a snug, but not squeezed fit. Sure, they're a little heavier than some of the other shoes we tried, but I loved how supportive they felt. Turns out the one pair of shoes that was the "best" for me was part of the deal. $100 shoes for 50 bucks! :) After I finally figured that these were probably my best choice, he piped up with, "Feel free to go run around the parking lot and see how they feel on a hard surface." Why, thank you! I think I will. So out I went, running around the parking lot and smiling...a lot. They felt great. They didn't solve all my problems, but they solved all the problems shoes could solve, and that's what I needed.
I joked with him, "Here I've been saving up for 3 months for running shoes and now I'm getting them for 1/2 off...so what do I spend the extra money on?" Both he and another guy at the store just laughed. I settled on one Shot Block and a 12 oz water bottle with a hand strap and a little zipper pouch (which was marked as 17.95, but he gave me for 17 bucks. *lol*). The guys were great and just kept talking about favorite running spots and new routes and I felt like, "Yeah, these guys know what they're doing." Not once did they look at me like I didn't belong there. Not once did I get a questioning glance when connecting me with running.
I walked out of the store happier than a clam, then ran into work to pee *lol*, and then off to my favorite health food market for some lunch. Pumpkin soup yesterday, which I actually couldn't finish, and 1/2 a banana. Felt good. Felt right. Even walking right past the new cupcake shop they set up right next to my market *grumble* I felt in control again. And with my new pretty shoes in the car, I couldn't wait to get to the gym to workout!
As I was eating, I was texting an old HS friend. This is the same friend that I visited the weekend before I started Spark. I don't know how she did it, but she brought to me some Spark that I carried here and I have no clue how to tell her "Thank you!" She texted me because she wants to spend some time catching up and wants me to take her to a running store to get fitted for running shoes. She has been convinced by another HS classmate to train for a half-marathon scheduled for next May. (I have a feeling this HS classmate also wants me to run it, but I'm just not ready to say that my body could do that. Not yet. Maybe when I hit 5 miles running I'll feel better, but for right now her condescending comment about, "Well, there's also a 5k..." makes me want to punch her in the throat. Should I also mention that this friend is plagued with injuries constantly as she's trained for and run both a 1/2 and full marathon?) There was something empowering...no, that's not the word...there was something that made my heart warm that my HS friend rejected the advice of my HS classmate who just ran a marathon and texted me to say, "I want YOU with me!" (Another side note, my HS friend has had some issues with her ankles pretty much her whole life, and it constantly sidelines her when she tries to hit a stride in working out. I think we share that "body rebelling" feeling and we're both fighting back against it.)
After lunch and my text chat, I drove straight to the gym. First thing I did was tell my gym-mate Tara about my running shoes deal, which she'd already read about on FB and immediately asked me when I came in, "Where'd you get the shoes!?" *lol* I told her I'd never been so excited to work out before. Sure, I was doing a circuit, but I needed to break these suckers in and I knew the warm-up for that circuit was a 2 minute jog. (And can we stop a minute to remark on how awesome it is that a 2 minute jog can actually be my warm-up?! ;) )
This circuit was difficult. I remember the jog, then back pedaling (which is HARD!), then straight-leg kicks before the actual workout of modified planks, planks, modified push-ups, modified burpees, hip lifts (bridge ups) and squats began. It hit me about 1/2way through that, unlike my other circuits, this one allowed no time for recovery. I thought I'd never make it through. But I did. And I noticed that I do better with each round of circuit training. I get more push-ups done in the time allotted, I do more burpees, and I go from one thing to another quicker. I may be doing different circuit programs each time, but from the overlaps I can tell I'm getting stronger with each one. I ended this one as I always do - shaky. But this time I didn't feel like my legs were going to buckle or my arms were jello or that I needed to puke. I just felt a little shaky. And a good circuit for me seems to = "a little shaky". I was red-faced and feeling fabulous.
Another thing I noticed in this circuit training was that my new shoes provide a great amount of support, which helps my balance during the difficult moves. YAY!! Is it wrong that I wish I had an extra pair - one devoted to running, and one for all my other workouts!? I need some great cross trainers like these, but until then, I may have to break the rules and wear my running shoes for my circuit training days. I NEED that stability for these workouts too!
After my workout I went home and spent the day watching scary movies and hanging with the Hubs. Until about 4 hours later when I announced, "OMG I'm SOOO bored! I feel like I should go workout again, but I already did that! WTF?!" We settled on going to the park where we played basketball for almost an hour...and where my oldest son got a little shock in him when I ran up to defend him when he was taking a shot and he took off across the court to avoid me/get around me, and then turned around and realized I was keeping up with him with every step. I was jumping, running, making saves. I was quicker on my feet. My shooting sucked. *lol* But, otherwise, it was a day of, "Okay, I get it. There is progress. The scale does not always define progress or recognize it." I flashbacked to old memories of us at the park, me getting tired after 10 minutes, me unable to run or jump, me unable to keep up. And then I felt myself flying around the court, jumping up to (not) make shots (*lol*) and running around to toy with the kids and to flirt with the Hubs. Not to mention that I didn't say "Okay, I'm done!" first. Hubs gave up the ghost first, saying his arms were killing him. *lol* "Alright, baby...I guess we can go then." (In my head: "HA! I WIN! I WIN!" *snort*)
Today is my run day. I'm nervous, scared, anxious...but that's how I feel every single Saturday. I doubt myself every single Saturday morning, worried that the past runs were a fluke. That's heightened by the fact that I haven't run all week this week to allow for the foot issues. But, my new running shoes give me a shot of glee. I want to use them. I want to break them in. I want to see how they do, see if they help, see if I feel better in them. Still, like every Saturday, I'm here...trying to boost my motivation and self-esteem for the run. Trying to get my mind right and get out there.
Oh, and after my run, I have an entire house to clean. It's way overdue and I've been working on pieces here and there every weekend, with little to no help. But after talking to Hubs yesterday, we decided we're all going to pitch in and see just how much we can get done in one day. Relieve some stress for me, get prepped for some much-needed repair jobs around here, and maybe feel okay inviting my friend down next weekend (we'll have to see how that goes).
One final note. I overate yesterday a little. But I also overworked yesterday when you add the circuit + the basketball. Today's weigh-in seems on target. 308.2.
Friday, October 21, 2011
I think this is the first Friday in a LOOONG time when I didn't have a list of things to do a mile long.
1. Get blood work done - FINALLY!
2. Do my circuit training
3. HS football game tonight
That's it. It's liberating and also a little...odd. I've been trying to find ways to fill my time and I think I may have found a little something that might make this girl happy.
The running store in Charleston is nearly a year old and I have YET to make it over there. I've been saving up for the past 3 months, little by little, in order to be able to afford some new running shoes. The ones I bought at the Columbus running store...well, they suck. They squeeze my toes so hard that they go numb after 2 miles. It was fine before, no problem. But now that I'm running 3 miles straight (or at least trying) and running a lot more, it's been impossible to use them. (I honestly don't think the dude knew what he was doing and, I hate to say it, but I don't think he believed that I was a runner. Whatevs, dude!) So I reverted back to the old Nikes I bought online for 90 bucks. I had analyzed myself as having a somewhat normal gait and bought shoes accordingly. Of course, when all the hip trouble started I figured maybe I had analyzed wrong and that was my problem, hence the Columbus running store shoes. (That being said, the most the guy could say about my gait was that I might have a mild overpronation, so I don't think I was far off.)
My Nikes have served me well, but in recent months, as I've been running more and more, they've seen their fair share of road and are worse for the wear. About a month ago, the heel of the bottom sole part started peeling off. I ran anyway. And then, one fateful Friday about two weeks ago I wore them to my circuit training because I knew running was involved. (I also need to get some cross trainers for my non-running stuff.) By the end of that crazy workout, the right heel piece had broken off entirely. *sigh*
I *love* my Nikes. Truthfully, I may be a bit of a Nike brand whore. Can't help it though. With my high arches, Nikes have been the only brand that seem to support my arch fully without additional inserts, and I *love* that about them! I'm kinda sad to see them go (Yes, I've still been running in them, even with no bottom heel piece...I'm not a heel striking runner so it didn't much affect my running.) I'm a little afraid of switching brands because the last time I did that (Columbus running store), it didn't go so well.
That being said, Robert's Running Store in Charleston is sitting there, a few miles from my work, and I've never ventured in. First, I had to get over my self-doubt and my feelings of not belonging. When I was running tiny bits here and there and then got injured (again!) I thought, "I'm not a runner. I never will be. And all these people KNOW I'm not a runner. I cannot walk into a running store because then I'll just be a big fat faker. Funny thing is, this store is actually called "Robert's Running and Walking Shop." That made it easier for me to swallow. But, still, I didn't do it. Time got away from me. Or my emotions took a swing. Or, most recently, I just didn't have the cash. But now I finally have a reason to go.
1. I AM a runner.
Sure, I run slow. Sure, the most I can do is a 5k running. But, wait, did you hear that? Did I just say that? The most I can do is RUN A 5k?! A year ago I was finally able to WALK a 5k and felt such pride. I was running tiny bits of it when I could. And now? Now I fully know without a doubt that I could start running at the starting line and not stop until the finish line.
2. I've been saving up and have $200 in my "running shoes" savings account.
Even when I bought straight from the running store in Columbus we paid about $128. I think I could actually swing a pair now.
3. THEY ARE HAVING A SALE!!
*lol* Y'all know I'm "savings girl" and have a HARD time passing up a sale. My stockpile from couponing in the past 6 months or so is a dead giveaway. It's especially rare for me to find a sale on the thing I need when I need it AND can afford it, so when Robert's announced they're phasing out last year's shoes for this year's models and offering 50% off the old models. Well, this is the same girl that bought her $1400 laptop when she started school for $700 bucks (because, again, it was "last year's model"). What do I care what year they are, as long as they work?
Now, granted, I could walk in and none of the old stock is what I need. I could drive back down to Charleston and find myself SOL in terms of this sale. But, why pass up the opportunity, especially when I know I could buy a new model if I needed to.
So, yes. That's my plan for today. I've got my gym bag packed so when I get back to town I can get my circuit training in, and I've got the Nikes already packed for comparison/analysis. I'll also pack the crappy Columbus running store shoes. Who knows, maybe we can avoid the same problems if I explain things right.
They say to plan 30 minutes for your trip because they want to analyze your stride and fit you properly. Me? I got most of the day, so today is the best day possible for this. (Now I'm wondering...should I throw on my gym clothes now? Yeah, probably should in case they pop me on a treadmill or tell me to run around the parking lot. *lol* Even if they don't it'll just make me ready for the gym when I work out after.)
So, that's where I'm off to today. I'll let you know how it goes!
As far as yesterday?
1. I ate that mini cupcake. And 4 pieces of Chex cereal from the Chex mix.
2. I didn't eat again until I came home.
3. I decorated 3 cakes. It wasn't pretty. I was nervous and it's been way too long and I'm out of practice. I doubt there's a cake decorating job in my future unless, as Hubs told me later, they decide to hire me on my good looks (because, as he said, I was lookin' mighty beautiful yesterday.)
4. When I got home I had lasagna....and 2 donut holes...and a corn dog...and 1/2 a can of pop. *sigh* I need my schedule, dangit!! Of course, I'm still pretty happy I didn't go to get fast food after my "tryout" like I wanted to because that would've just been much worse!
5. I didn't get a workout in. I was exhausted after such a long day and had to wait nearly an HOUR for my tryout because the 60-year-old woman in front of me took forever! (Another reason I won't get this job...the other people probably have DECADES more experience!)
So, yeah. This morning, we're holding steady at 309.8, which I'm happy about. Now...off to get me some shiny new shoes so I can have another good reason to get back into running (I haven't run ALL WEEK and it's just about killing me! Foot feels much better today, though, so I think we'll take it easy on the circuit tonight (yeah, right!) and then do my 3-4 miles tomorrow.)
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Let's recap how my "angry" day went yesterday.
Morning Weigh-In: 305.8
Calories Consumed: 1868
Calories Burned: 0
Calorie Deficit: -723
Morning Weigh-In This Morning: 309.8
So, yeah. Surprisingly I'm happy to see the 309 because I think it's truer to my efforts recently and actually reflects the possibility of a good loss this week. I'd love to be under 310 by Sunday, so hopefully this keeps up. I get fluke days every now and again. The last once was weeks ago when I got a fluke of 303. Happens sometimes. Only good thing is, my "fluke" numbers used to be 308-309 area...and now those are the REAL numbers and the flukes have dropped lower. I can't wait until the day I "fluke" under 300 and giggle with glee! *lol*
As far as calories burned...I decided to take a rest day. It's what I had scheduled from SP and my foot/brain wasn't feeling much up to anything. So I went home, ate dinner with the family, practiced my icing roses for my "tryout" tonight and then got to bed a little early.
Now, as for the title of this blog. Today is yet another "snack day" at work. We used to have sit-down dinner type things, but lately we've just hosted snack days wherein people bring everything from donuts to cookies to cake to fried chicken, pasta salad, sandwich makings, etc. and then eat/graze ALL DAY. I was terrified of this day. Absolutely terrified!
So far this has been how it's gone.
I grabbed 4 donut holes, 3 small pieces of cheese, 3 pepperonis, 3 ritz crackers, 2 tbsp chicken salad, 3 small pieces of fried chicken, a turkey sandwich with mustard, a mini cupcake, a small slice of lasagna and a small slice of chicken enchiladas.
I ATE - 2 donut holes, 3 ritz crackers and 2 Tbsp. of chicken salad, a couple bites of fried chicken, a couple pieces of cheese, 3 pepperoni slices, a bite of lasagna, and about 3/4 of the chicken enchilada (which was surprisingly good!). Everything else is wrapped on my desk behind me ready to take home or allow me a tiny snack later.
(Ooh, I just remembered the 5 mini carrots and 4 pieces of broccoli, which I did eat and need to log too...not TOO worried about those though.)
So what could have been 1726 calories consumed AT LUNCH was closer to 500 calories. Now if I can just stay out of the stuff for the rest of the day I'll be good. (Though that little cupcake keeps beckoning me, so he might just be my snack later...though the donut holes sent me for a friggin' LOOP y'all. I was actin' crazy like for a while there. Crack donuts! *lol*)
As for working out tonight...no clue. I have that "tryout" after work and then I forgot my gym bag so I'll go straight home. I can either do my Zumba game, my DDR game, Kinect Adventures, Yoga DVD, 30 Day Shred, or go for a walk/run if the weather is right and it's not too dark. Or I could pile everyone in the car and go to the park for a bit...but it's a school night so there probably won't be much time for that either.
I swear sometimes I feel like it's day one and I have no clue what I'm doing. I know that's stupid. I haven't lost over 100 pounds since April 2010 with sheer dumb luck. It took work...and the rest will take more work. Still, some days I have those moments where I'm like "What's the point? Darned if I do, darned if I don't."
I wasn't this injured when I was bigger. I also couldn't move that well. I skip and run now (randomly...and certainly while crackin' it up on donut holes!! *lol*). I couldn't do that before. It may seem like the easy way out, but I just have to stick out the hard time because there has GOT to be an end in sight, right?! RIGHT?! Maybe it will come with the next year. Maybe finally I'll be able to forget what I've faced through this year and get back into my grove. Maybe I'll still be struggling. It's all up in the air, but I'm showing up, and I've always told people that even when you're not doing anything else right, if you at least show up then you've got the hardest part down. I hope I'm right!
Few things about comments yesterday:
1. I don't have problems working out (other than injuries now and again...but these injuries, I'm told, have been there but I'm starting to feel the effects because I'm trying to push myself beyond them). NONE of my doctors have said "slow down" or "stop." They say, "Listen to your body and rest when you need to and then try again. If it still hurts, change your tactic." But every last one of them encourages me to continue. Still, the drive is there, I just get frustrated with the lack of results.
2. I really wonder how much my depo has caused some of this. Not the foot/hip/knee thing, of course, but a lot of the other problems. It might be time to reevaluate with the good doctor because I should beyond the point of having ANY symptoms of that "special time" but I've had cramps for 2 weeks now, at least.
3. A LOT of this, yes, is stress enduced. I've had people I barely know hear me say, "I try to do too much sometimes" and they shout, loudly, like they've been wanting to say it for a while now but didn't know how to without hurting my feelings or something, "YES!" I know that. But I wasn't built for slacking. It's one reason I love my vacations, because I can escape that a little bit and have full days of stuff I LIKE to do instead of stuff I HAVE to do. (No, that's not right, I love vacations because I can get done my HAVE tos and still have time for the fun stuff because WORK is out of the equation...work takes up a LOT of time! A LOT!! I leave at 7am and don't get to the gym until 6:45pm if I go straight there. That's the biggest chunk of my day GONE!)
But sometimes life is all about doing what you HAVE to do.
I HAVE to work 10 hour shifts to save money on gas since I work an hour away from home.
I HAVE to work an hour away from home because there aren't any jobs where I live and moving is stupid since we now own where we live.
I HAVE to workout if I want to lose weight. I'm not the kind of girl who can sit at her desk and eat celery sticks for lunch. I like to have my cake and eat it too, so I have to work out to be able to do that and not get 400+ pounds again!
I HAVE to take care of my kids. DUH!
I HAVE to provide them a full life. I need to be there for sporting events and school events whenever possible because I don't want to miss those moments and they need my support and encouragement, now especially.
I HAVE to bolster my relationship with the Hubs because sometimes life gets hard and mundane and we forget that we love each other too, instead of thinking in terms of "trying to survive."
I HAVE to clean my house because no amount of bitching or whining has convinced my 3 boys that they should pitch in any more than they are. I do demand it of them, but if they don't come through, I have to pitch in and do it or it doesn't get done.
I HAVE to cook healthy meals, because Hubs knows these 3 staples -- Spaghetti, Chili and Slow Cooker Pot Roast. I try to cycle those into the meal plans but I'm the kind of person who cannot STAND to have the same thing every day of the week. HATE that! I love variety.
I HAVE to make sure the dog and cats are taken care of because they're like my second set of kids.
I HAVE to coupon, because our finances would have us sinking otherwise.
So, yeah, there are thing I HAVE to do. I HAVE to look for a second job right now too because we need extra cash for the things I want to be able to do in life (like buy a HOUSE and pay off the car). Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean I don't LIKE doing them.
I LIKE spending time with my kids.
I LIKE the satisfaction I get from a hard day's work.
I LIKE the feeling I get when I look around and realize I've cleaned everything and it's pretty and great.
I LIKE couponing because the only thing that tastes better than a candy bar is a FREE candy bar! (*lol* Joke around our house...)
I LIKE my kids, my husband, my pets and I like taking care of them.
Of course, I could do without having to do the BULK of cleaning, but I'm still working on that. Hard to enforce rules when I'm just not home much.
So, this life is hard sometimes, yes...but this is the life I have chosen. And I choose to try every day to make it better - better job, healthier eating habits, fitter and smaller body, more financially secure, etc.
I have to remember that these are choices as well as HAVE TO's.
Now, the question is...will I CHOOSE to eat that cupcake....
....we shall see.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
[DISCLAIMER: I don't suggest even reading this blog. It's crap. I know that. It's my messed up head taking over and being angry and letting it fly because I have no where else to put it. Because all Hubs can say is that I just have to keep working at it and it will work...and that's all anyone says. And a year of waiting for me...well, I could think of at least 20 things right now that I'd rather be doing than waiting on this to happen again...and they aren't exactly pretty. So, for the sake of yourself...just ignore this blog and see if I change my attitude later and delete it and/or post something else.]
Frustrated. That's exactly what I am today. I went to Zumba last night babying an already hurt left foot. It's been hurting for a long time and the pain increases/decreases off and on. Right now it has decided it's going to hurt...a LOT. But I went to Zumba anyhow because I'm struggling between the part of me that wants to take care of my body and the part of me that just simply hates every part of me right now. Yes, I'm in a very negative space right now. I could pretend I'm not but what good would that do? "Fake it 'till you make it" has not been helping, so now it's "cry and whine until you get it out of your system." (I usually try to shield y'all from this crap as much as I can, but I need this venting space. Spark is supposed to help, right!? Blogging/journaling is supposed to help. So here I am, crying and whining it out of me (I hope!).)
So I went to Zumba anyhow. I told myself I could modify whatever I needed to. Line dancing instructor says to me, "You've gotta watch out for your knee, right?!" "Oh, no," I say. "It's my foot right now that I have to be careful of." He tells me to take it easy and I *honestly* try to. Sometimes, though, in the moment, the movement doesn't actually hurt. Jumping up and down felt fine. Absolutely fine. Two songs later and I finally feel it. Stupid! Not only that but for some reason my knee decided to give me trouble (I blamed it on LD instructor and told him he jinxed me) and popped out nearly once in each of the first 4 songs. *sigh* Add to that the hurt in my hip and there was a moment about 40 minutes in where I had to actually excuse myself and go sit down and stretch out my leg.
I limped home, exhausted and angry. I hate feeling this way.
Yesterday I went back through my old blogs, trying to find some pearls of wisdom to get me through this time, trying to see how close I was to making my 2011 goals and see if there was anything I could do in the final months to make that happen (there isn't much I can do, really). What I realized is that I, or someone in my family, has been ill pretty much all of 2011. I'm either traveling or sick, or traveling while sick. I started the year with a monster ear infection, which I took with me to Vegas. Between sinus infections, the ear infection, adjusting to Depo (I'm seriously starting to wonder how much this is screwing with me), then the back pain, the hip/pelvic pain, and now the foot pain. Plus there were two days a few weeks ago when I spent 2 days completely out of my mind. I still have no clue what that was! 2011 has been the year of illness and aches and pain and just plain rebellion from my body.
Am I pushing too hard? I don't think so. I work out my own training programs that include things I can do, do increases very slowly (it took me 2 months to get to 2 miles running), and I take rests when I need to. I reevaluate all the time according to how my body feels. I've taken whole weeks off to accommodate the pain and illness. And then I've gotten right back up on the horse and got back to it.
I have no answers. I'm just sad about it. And today I'm struggling with whether I push through or rest...and I do NOT have an answer for you as to what I'm going to do. Resting would be easy ...but would it be wimping out? Of course, working out through the pain could cause injury ...but how is that any different from the whole of 2011? Avoid pain - lose nothing. Push through pain - limp my way through and maybe lose a pound or two.
What can I say? I have more questions than answers and I will feel guilty no matter what I choose to do.
Guilt. Another thing I feel a lot. Guilt from the time I steal from my boys. Guilt from the way my body feels. Guilt when I miss a workout. Guilt when I push too hard. Guilt when I don't push hard enough. The guilt is overwhelming.
Guilt, and jealousy. I will tell you right now that I cannot watch Biggest Loser anymore. I hate those people! (Okay, I don't "hate" them, but that's the word that feels the most vicious right now to fit my mood.) I "hate" people with personal trainers. I "hate" people who complain about working out when their bodies are fully capable of it and they don't get injured by trying. I "hate" people who are skinny as heck and stand behind me in class looking fabulous and don't seem to have a drop of sweat on them while I'm breathing like I just pushed a Ford truck up a muddy hill. I hate my body and the way it's been acting lately. I hate myself for hating everything.
See, I'm not handling this very well. I announced again last night to Hubs after going over my calorie goals (I was SO friggin' HUNGRY last night!!) that I was quitting. Again. And this morning I logged in to log my calories again. Oh, and to make matters worse. After two days of insanity as far as the numbers go, and the pain and the crying...so much stupid crying...I woke up this morning and went from 312 yesterday to 305.8 today. Either the scale is broken or I am. (and for those about to tell me not to weigh-in every day, I'm trying to get some gauge as to how my body works using a spreadsheet I have. I'm trying to figure out how to make this work again because...either it's broken or I am. That requires a daily tally of calories eaten-calories burned- and weight each day.)
Where am I going with this? Oh, nowhere really. Last night I got all angry at myself and told myself to stop whining and that the real problem is that I'm not trying hard enough. So this morning I've spent figuring out how to get a 1750 calorie deficit (1/2 a pound) each day. I don't think it will work, but I want to use myself as an experiment, because if I can't go back to doing what I was doing and lose weight...if I'm stuck here stalling, I may as well be doing SOMETHING with my time. So far I've determined that if I can burn 756 calories in a day, I can eat 1600. If, however, I only burn 356 in a day, then I need to only eat 1200 calories. And that's every single day working out that much. And I don't think my body can take that. And I'm not going under 1200 calories because I think even THAT is too low for my body. (I've had periods of time where I tried this and I actually gained weight all bloated and stuff. Sucked.)
But, still, I hear the woman at the gym in my head saying, "If you want to lose more, we can up how much you workout and lower your calories." I want to kill that voice in my head. I'm struggling already and she wants to make it harder. But after the past few weeks (and the final realization of the 20 pounds per year loss I've had in 2011), I want to be extreme. I want to take every bit of stupid advice I've heard so far and every crazy thing I see other people doing (and it totally works for them)...everything I've dismissed as crazy extreme and I want to try it. Either I'll come out the other side saying, "See! I told you this doesn't work for me!" or I'll come out the other side with success, and both of those options sound better than what I've got right now.
Try to eat right. Fail.
Try to exercise. Get hurt.
Try to rest. Feel guilty and gain weight immediately.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Yesterday was awful. I was tired and worn down. I nearly fell asleep at my desk four times. Going to the gym was a joke to me. How, when it was taking every bit of my energy to stay awake on the drive home? I started tallying up all the aches and pains and woes of my body and the running count left me bypassing the gym and heading for the comforting faces and arms of my boys instead. Last night, I finally added up the damage of overeating and no exercise for the day and had my first ever positive net calorie day in a month. And I felt pathetic and lost because I knew what was coming today on the scale. 309.6 up to 312 this morning. I knew it was coming. I knew what I'd done. After realizing that I was 1k calories over my daily goal, and with no calories burned to make up for it, I firmly announced to my husband before I stomped off to bed. "That's it. I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I can't fight for something that will never happen. I won't be under 300...ever. And I will never see the other side of 200 for sure. I had a good run, but I'm done now."
I didn't cry myself to sleep like always. I was done crying over it. It was what it was. I had done a lot in my life I could be proud of, and I could be proud of losing over 150 pounds as well. I didn't have to be THE success story to be a success story. I needed to just be okay with being me and be good with that, whatever shape it took. Hell, even Oprah gained a bunch of her weight back! Nobody sees her as less wise or ambitious or successful just because she couldn't maintain the weight she starved herself to get to. So I simply went to bed, knowing I'd simply keep up my good habits and hope that I didn't gain any more back. Maybe one day I'd get back to the fight. Maybe not. But I had a good run and I was ready to say goodbye.
Then I got this this morning in my email box at work. Hubs wrote it last night after my little speech when I was resigning myself to quitting and (FINALLY!) going to sleep...
I believe in you.
When you are closest to giving up, success is nearby.
Even if success does not come soon after, even through you may go to sleep with tears, that part of you that does not feel bodily pain or fatigue can rest peacefully knowing that you are resolute in your endeavor.
Defeat is worst dealt by your own hand.
Know this. I believe in you, as I know you.
Okay, so I don't think it's fair for him to make me cry at work. Especially when my makeup job today looks friggin' awesome! *lol* "Defeat is worst dealt by your own hand." So true! I say all the time that the world could try to break me, that it could push me back down in the mud, but that I could be happy knowing that I fought back at every moment. The attempt at success was a success in itself, whether or not I succeeded at my goals. So how could I turn my back on that and just give in to the world and its noise?
You all know I've had a rough go of it lately. I fight for every few pounds I get, regain them, and fight again. As I told Hubs, I know my problem (as always) is with consistency and balance. I get angry, get defiant, fight back and go hard for a couple weeks, and then I get burnt out and worn down and I stumble again. I take 3 steps forward, 2 steps back and have been for the whole of 2011.
I wondered this morning what my end of 2011 blog would look like. The first thought was a blog about how much this year has sucked for me. And then I stopped myself, held my finger up and said, "No. This year has sucked in terms of weightloss, but that is not all you are and that is not all there is."
This year I came closer than ever to discovering who I am, what I want, and what my true soul thursts for. I took trips I never imagined I'd have an opportunity to take. Hell, I went from 30 years of no Vegas to going twice in the same year! I faced my fears and ran in front of my entire town! I struggled in Utah and then somehow found the courage to recognize that what was in front of me was old habits being forced upon me and I chose to stand up for myself. More than ever, 2011 was the year I finally stood up for myself and said, "THIS is what I want. You can either come with me or I'll go alone but, either way, I'm going!"
From a child that was beat for breathing (no, I'm not exaggerating) and never knew what to say that was right, to a girl that didn't care if what she said was right, to a woman that attempts to balance her own feelings with those of others but never allows herself to be fully compromised on the issues that really matter. By golly, George, I think she's growing up.
So what if I've lost only 20 pounds this year? I've been told by so many people how much I inspire them, how proud they are of me, and it really does mean a lot to me to hear. But more than ever, I finally felt proud of myself for once. Not because I started losing weight again, but because I never gave up.
So, once again, I'm not giving up. I don't know where I'll go from here. Well, I know as far as this -- I'm once again going to shoot for 1600 calories, 8+ glasses of water, and at least 30 minutes of working out. That's as far as I know. And that's okay for now because it means I haven't given up...not really. The scale is fickle, but if I resolve myself not to be, maybe, just maybe I'll beat him. Or maybe not.
I thought my goal was as simple as I could make it. 298 by December 31st. But every day I cry and rant and fuss over that stupid number. Instead, I'm just going to let it be. I'll get there...I hope. I honestly don't know if I will. Because I can only control so much. And what I can control, sometimes I'm not so great at maintaining control. I have days of hitting all my goals, and then I fall off for a day or two, and then I'm right back on again. And that translates to a perfect yo-yo on the scale. You think I would've learned by now, right?!
The woman at the gym who is meant to help me out keeps asking to see my numbers. She says she can help me...get me back on track. I've resisted basically because I know exactly what I'm doing wrong. I have the numbers, I see the numbers, I know what the numbers should be and I know how often I hit them and how often I don't. I have about a 65% success rate with my goals...which has led to a VERY slow rate of weight loss. I know WHAT to do, and I know what she'll tell me to do. Problem is, she can't REALLY help me. She can't remind me that when others are eating it doesn't mean I have to as well. She can't be there in my moments of weakness and self-doubt when I give in and basically ruin the day. She can't be there at night when I feel weak. She can't drive me to the gym when I don't want to go. She can't talk me out of my aches and pains and onto the treadmill. She can't do these things because these are all the things *I* control. She can't fix that...I have to.
And...and I have to be okay with knowing that I won't always be able to fix them. That part of my nature is to be a little off every now and again. I need to learn how to work around that instead of having it fight against me. I need to find alternatives and backup plans like I've always had.
I know what I need to do. I just need to do it.
And, you know what? I'm going to say something else we're not supposed to say. I've been doing this for me for a while now. Problem is, I don't have much faith or self-worth flowing through me right now. I've fought so many battles for myself this year that I'm worn down. It's tough sticking up for yourself when you've spent 30 years figuring out how to be the perfect doormat! So, at least for a little while, I'm doing this for him.
"Know this. I believe in you, as I know you." Yep...for right now, I'm doing this for him. Because sometimes he IS there when I give in to temptation. And he knows when to remind me and then to back off when I don't listen. And I need to start listening more. He can't do it for me, but he can sure as heck help me! And I have to learn to accept that help...to accept all the help that's been offered to me. "No man is an island," right?! Until I can learn to believe in me, I'm going to have to let him do it for me...and I'm going to have to use that to fuel my day. I don't have to be perfect...I just have to keep trying.
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