CALLIKIA   23,828
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Apparently My Body Disagrees

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

[DISCLAIMER: I don't suggest even reading this blog. It's crap. I know that. It's my messed up head taking over and being angry and letting it fly because I have no where else to put it. Because all Hubs can say is that I just have to keep working at it and it will work...and that's all anyone says. And a year of waiting for me...well, I could think of at least 20 things right now that I'd rather be doing than waiting on this to happen again...and they aren't exactly pretty. So, for the sake of yourself...just ignore this blog and see if I change my attitude later and delete it and/or post something else.]

Frustrated. That's exactly what I am today. I went to Zumba last night babying an already hurt left foot. It's been hurting for a long time and the pain increases/decreases off and on. Right now it has decided it's going to hurt...a LOT. But I went to Zumba anyhow because I'm struggling between the part of me that wants to take care of my body and the part of me that just simply hates every part of me right now. Yes, I'm in a very negative space right now. I could pretend I'm not but what good would that do? "Fake it 'till you make it" has not been helping, so now it's "cry and whine until you get it out of your system." (I usually try to shield y'all from this crap as much as I can, but I need this venting space. Spark is supposed to help, right!? Blogging/journaling is supposed to help. So here I am, crying and whining it out of me (I hope!).)

So I went to Zumba anyhow. I told myself I could modify whatever I needed to. Line dancing instructor says to me, "You've gotta watch out for your knee, right?!" "Oh, no," I say. "It's my foot right now that I have to be careful of." He tells me to take it easy and I *honestly* try to. Sometimes, though, in the moment, the movement doesn't actually hurt. Jumping up and down felt fine. Absolutely fine. Two songs later and I finally feel it. Stupid! Not only that but for some reason my knee decided to give me trouble (I blamed it on LD instructor and told him he jinxed me) and popped out nearly once in each of the first 4 songs. *sigh* Add to that the hurt in my hip and there was a moment about 40 minutes in where I had to actually excuse myself and go sit down and stretch out my leg.

I limped home, exhausted and angry. I hate feeling this way.

Yesterday I went back through my old blogs, trying to find some pearls of wisdom to get me through this time, trying to see how close I was to making my 2011 goals and see if there was anything I could do in the final months to make that happen (there isn't much I can do, really). What I realized is that I, or someone in my family, has been ill pretty much all of 2011. I'm either traveling or sick, or traveling while sick. I started the year with a monster ear infection, which I took with me to Vegas. Between sinus infections, the ear infection, adjusting to Depo (I'm seriously starting to wonder how much this is screwing with me), then the back pain, the hip/pelvic pain, and now the foot pain. Plus there were two days a few weeks ago when I spent 2 days completely out of my mind. I still have no clue what that was! 2011 has been the year of illness and aches and pain and just plain rebellion from my body.

Am I pushing too hard? I don't think so. I work out my own training programs that include things I can do, do increases very slowly (it took me 2 months to get to 2 miles running), and I take rests when I need to. I reevaluate all the time according to how my body feels. I've taken whole weeks off to accommodate the pain and illness. And then I've gotten right back up on the horse and got back to it.

I have no answers. I'm just sad about it. And today I'm struggling with whether I push through or rest...and I do NOT have an answer for you as to what I'm going to do. Resting would be easy ...but would it be wimping out? Of course, working out through the pain could cause injury ...but how is that any different from the whole of 2011? Avoid pain - lose nothing. Push through pain - limp my way through and maybe lose a pound or two.

What can I say? I have more questions than answers and I will feel guilty no matter what I choose to do.

Guilt. Another thing I feel a lot. Guilt from the time I steal from my boys. Guilt from the way my body feels. Guilt when I miss a workout. Guilt when I push too hard. Guilt when I don't push hard enough. The guilt is overwhelming.

Guilt, and jealousy. I will tell you right now that I cannot watch Biggest Loser anymore. I hate those people! (Okay, I don't "hate" them, but that's the word that feels the most vicious right now to fit my mood.) I "hate" people with personal trainers. I "hate" people who complain about working out when their bodies are fully capable of it and they don't get injured by trying. I "hate" people who are skinny as heck and stand behind me in class looking fabulous and don't seem to have a drop of sweat on them while I'm breathing like I just pushed a Ford truck up a muddy hill. I hate my body and the way it's been acting lately. I hate myself for hating everything.


See, I'm not handling this very well. I announced again last night to Hubs after going over my calorie goals (I was SO friggin' HUNGRY last night!!) that I was quitting. Again. And this morning I logged in to log my calories again. Oh, and to make matters worse. After two days of insanity as far as the numbers go, and the pain and the much stupid crying...I woke up this morning and went from 312 yesterday to 305.8 today. Either the scale is broken or I am. (and for those about to tell me not to weigh-in every day, I'm trying to get some gauge as to how my body works using a spreadsheet I have. I'm trying to figure out how to make this work again because...either it's broken or I am. That requires a daily tally of calories eaten-calories burned- and weight each day.)

Where am I going with this? Oh, nowhere really. Last night I got all angry at myself and told myself to stop whining and that the real problem is that I'm not trying hard enough. So this morning I've spent figuring out how to get a 1750 calorie deficit (1/2 a pound) each day. I don't think it will work, but I want to use myself as an experiment, because if I can't go back to doing what I was doing and lose weight...if I'm stuck here stalling, I may as well be doing SOMETHING with my time. So far I've determined that if I can burn 756 calories in a day, I can eat 1600. If, however, I only burn 356 in a day, then I need to only eat 1200 calories. And that's every single day working out that much. And I don't think my body can take that. And I'm not going under 1200 calories because I think even THAT is too low for my body. (I've had periods of time where I tried this and I actually gained weight all bloated and stuff. Sucked.)

But, still, I hear the woman at the gym in my head saying, "If you want to lose more, we can up how much you workout and lower your calories." I want to kill that voice in my head. I'm struggling already and she wants to make it harder. But after the past few weeks (and the final realization of the 20 pounds per year loss I've had in 2011), I want to be extreme. I want to take every bit of stupid advice I've heard so far and every crazy thing I see other people doing (and it totally works for them)...everything I've dismissed as crazy extreme and I want to try it. Either I'll come out the other side saying, "See! I told you this doesn't work for me!" or I'll come out the other side with success, and both of those options sound better than what I've got right now.

Try to eat right. Fail.
Try to exercise. Get hurt.
Try to rest. Feel guilty and gain weight immediately.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DPIRIE 10/22/2011 2:32PM

    Oh my...I second and third what many have said. I've been reading your blogs for a while. I think you are too hard on yourself. I know it's easier said than done but if your making the best food choices and finding time to fit in some exercise then your doing it!!! Please don't starve yourself. 1400, 1200 cal is too little unless your 5 feet tall and weigh something like 100lbs.

Also you might want to look into something other than the Depo. I was on it for a year. Then I stopped, I didn't change any of my habits and I lost 30lbs in 6 months. One of the most common side effects of it is weight gain, that and hair growth. In places that women shouldn't like your chin.

You will find balance eventually...I haven't got it all figured out yet either. But together we can all figure this out.

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SARAWALKS 10/20/2011 8:32AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
You'll figure it out. SANDIEGOJOHN is right! And not to worry about daily weighing, I do it too, it helps me see how my body deals with things. It's clarifying. emoticon

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DARE.DIVA 10/19/2011 10:00PM

    Callika--you are a warrior, you have a fighting spirit that says you will keep going. You are doing amazing things (it would take more than 2 months for me to get up to running 2 miles) but maybe you need to try different tactics....
1) give yourself a rest week. Stretch, walk, easy going. Pro-athletes take rest weeks because muscle fibers and joints need to recover. Eat less, promise yourself 8 hours of sleep, and log in EVERY DAY to journal how you are feeling during that time (don't let not exercising be the same as quitting). By the end of the week, you will be itching to do something.
2) try lower impact activities, chair workouts, cycling, swimming. high intensity but easy on the joints...
2) mix-up your macro-nutrient ratios, more protein, or more fat may make a difference. your body may need more protein to recover.
3) eating more calories (because yeah...your calorie range is pretty low). I had a nutritionist tell me to do this for a month, I did it just to prove her wrong. Guess what, I didn't lose weight, BUT I didn't gain weight either and I felt SO much better.
4) If you are weighing daily, are you tracking salt...because that causes major weight fluctuation.

You aren't giving up, you are just sounding your battle cry warrior. But know that every general knows when to hold, when to retreat and when to advance. The key is to stay on the field and never surrender.

We are all pulling for you, but as your friends, we'll tell you sometimes you need to be gentle with yourself (and sometimes you need your butt kicked)...but right now I think you need more gentle. We are with you!

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LUCYSUNFLOWER 10/19/2011 8:01PM

    You have pushed your body hard and I think your injuries reflect how hard your body is working to heal, adapt, and grow stronger. I think your current emotional frustration is totally normal and healthy - it reflects the interior part of the journey you have been on. Girl, you are one tough little cookie! You will prevail - I am certain of that. I absolutely believe you deserve to whine, bitch, moan, kick, flail, and whatever else works as a pressure relief valve! Weight loss is about SO much more than a shrinking body! I love that you popped off and vented here - you are healthy and normal (a really unique version of normal!) and you are doing great. Be kind to your body and your soul!!


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CMEEHERNANDEZ 10/19/2011 5:00PM

    I know this is going to sound strange, but you may not be eating enough and that is why your body finally let go of weight when you ate extra. At 300 lbs and being sedentary, you need about 2500 calories a day just to maintain. If you eat 1500 calories and do no extra exercise, you should lose 1-2 lbs per week. You add that 500 calorie burn from exercise and you can eat about 1800-2000 calories and still lose 1-2 lbs per week.

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ANNIE7205 10/19/2011 4:14PM

    I totally get this. I just posted a blog yesterday called "here we go again" because, just like this time last year, I'm injured. Again. And I effing hate it. And I feel guilty, and lazy, and angry, and sad. I'm trying to find stuff that I can do, and resist the urge to do the stuff that I shouldn't be doing (pain killers help me get through the day, but they also make me forget that I'm injured).

I love the fact that you wrote this. Not that you're going through this, but that you wrote this blog. If you were going to give up, you would have just done it. You would slink off with your tail between your legs because it's too hard and there are too many reasons not to do it anymore. But you're not doing that. You're bitching and complaining and trying to figure things out. But that's not giving up. And neither am I.

Best of luck.

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ERIN1128 10/19/2011 4:09PM

    I agree with SANDIEGOJOHN, it's awesome that you're not quitting, no matter how badly you want to! I do feel your pain, or some of it - I'm on my fifth repeat of week 3 of c25k and it just isn't getting any easier, and I'm getting sooo frustrated, especially when I see people running and making it look so easy! And I feel like I've gained weight around my middle, pants are tight at the waist, and how can that be when everyone else starts running and "the pounds just melt away"??? But I'm going to keep fighting, and you will too, I know you will. We're in this together!

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SHELLYKOCH1 10/19/2011 4:03PM

    Wow! What a cry for help! I've been where you are. Instead of calling out like you've done, I quit. I quit for several months. All the while telling myself I was still on plan, just too busy to log in to SP and track. I was too afraid to even get on the scale. Finally in June I got on the scale...Shock...I had re-gained the 25lbs I had shed plus 10 more joined the party. This still didn't get me back to SP. In July I started noticing my clothes becoming looser. In August I finally came back to SP and got on the scale again. I was down 30 lbs since July. As of today I've shed 49lbs.

I live every day with PTSD, have damaged both legs so I can't do Zumba or running. So I now walk 45-60 min/day. I can't tell you what is working, I can tell you I have let go of 98% of the stress in my life. There just isn't any time for it.

There is a Chair Workout Team.

There are also free Chair Workout videos on You Tube. This may help while your foot heals. I have a couple other SP friends that are on this team.

I would like to share this journey. I have confidence you are a success story in progress.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MENNOLY 10/19/2011 3:01PM

I am much older than you and all my joints are much older than yours. That is how I comfort myself when I read your blog and some other blogs from people who weigh around 300 pounds and yet are out running and doing Zumba and being very active on their joints. It would kill me and I weigh a lot less than you right now. When I weighed over 270, I started exercising but it was walking and ST. I overdid a couple of times and injured my joints. It took months before I got back to exercising. You need to take care of your injuries. That pain in your foot is an injury! You need gentle exercise to strengthen your joints. Maybe see a physical therapist for a worksheet of things you can do at home with bands. Those exercises work, I know I have been there. You should perhaps adjust your goals to something that you can live comfortably with. I never eat less than 1400 calories. It would kill me, I would get discouraged and I would quit. I feel that you are being incredibly hard on yourself. Look at the slowest loser, he set a very low weight loss goal but he did lose all the weight he wanted. He was probably a lot happier doing it than you sound right now. You work you have a family and you want to lose weight. That is a lot! Will it matter in the long run if you reach your final goal a year later than your current plans? Please take care of yourself!

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4A-HEALTHY-BMI 10/19/2011 2:14PM

    Perhaps you could investigate some lower impact exercise alternatives?

I did not say lower INTENSITY, I said lower IMPACT.
(lots of people seem to confuse them)

I have bad arthritis in my right knee which pretty much cuts out Zumba, running, hiking, downhill skiing, martial arts, and step aerobics.

So I've had to adapt:
swimming, kayaking, spin class, road cycling, weight lifting, etc.

Do I miss the other things? Hell yes. But I can't do them (ever, not just while recovering from injury) so I'm throwing myself into the things I can do. And I can burn a whole lot of calories on a spin bike or swimming.

So you see, it's not all or nothing. Zumba and line dancing might be less healthy choices while your foot and knee recover. But there are other things you can do to still push yourself.

Injury sucks. So does illness. (I lost my whole white water kayak season this year due to a surgery and 6 months of shoulder rehab from a snowboard injury. I am right there with you.) But you just have to find something that does work while you recover. I relied on road cycling and spinning.

And don't go too low on the calorie deficit or you might find yourself going nuts and suddenly binging on everything in sight. At least that's what happens to me.

Hang in there.

Comment edited on: 10/19/2011 2:21:54 PM

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ROMNEY3 10/19/2011 1:54PM

    WOW - ok total get where you are coming from, don't know that, that helps at all. I have read you blog for several months now and I FIND YOU AN INSPIRATION! Don't know if that helps either. Seem to me, that at some point in this journey we all have to realize that we are more than a number. You are so much stronger (both pyhysical and emotionally) then you were. So go ahead and rant we all need it. And like SD John said you appear to be not giving up, just looking for an answer. Keep looking.

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RUNNER12COM 10/19/2011 1:36PM

    Bless your heart. I read every word, and as odd as it sounds, do you want to know the biggest message I see?

You are not quitting.

Sure, you grumble. And yes, you said you wanted to. But here you are pouring your emotions out all over the screen and fighting through them.

You are not quitting. I know it. And that means that you WILL succeed.

You can do this.

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SLFRISBEY 10/19/2011 12:55PM

    I am right there with you. (((hugs)))

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GHOSTGRL21 10/19/2011 11:50AM


I can really relate to your blog. I am very frustrated with myself and my workouts right now too.

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HAMMLIN 10/19/2011 11:45AM


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KLYNNSCHULTZ 10/19/2011 11:38AM

    I don't know if it will help you or not, but I have found something like a 2 day delay in my weight in relation to what I ate. To be more clear, the gain or loss usually shows up about 2 days after a bad or good day. Until I figured that out it drove me nuts trying to sort out what worked or didn't work for me.

Your body may be different, but maybe it will give you another way to look at your spreadsheet.

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BLACK-PRINCESS 10/19/2011 11:26AM


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ACCT1908 10/19/2011 10:33AM

    emoticon Blog understood. My vote is rest though.

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COMPASS_ROSE 10/19/2011 10:17AM

    When I first started my weight loss journey--the very first year--I lost 10 lbs. I worked my @ss off. I kept going. The second year--I worked harder and got my nutrition in line too. That second year--I lost "0 lbs." I kept going. This year--I worked harder still and my metabolism, mind-body-soul, are all catching up--I've lost a little more than 52 lbs so far but I still have times weeks when I loose very little or nothing at all because my muscles are finally coming back. Muscles are heavy so they balance out any loss I have and make it appear as if I haven't lost a thing. I know this and I don't worry. The scale lies--my mirror and my clothes do not. You said, "you aren't working hard enough." I think you are working way TOO hard. Cut yourself some slack. Stress will cause you to gain just like starving yourself. If you are eating right, getting your exercise in, and managing your stress--the weight will start to come off. You have to believe in yourself. I believe in you! You can do this!
p.s. Venting is a good thing! Keep doing it! It does help. Holding all this stuff in is not good for you! :)

Comment edited on: 10/19/2011 10:19:31 AM

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LOTUSFLOWER 10/19/2011 10:00AM

    emoticon emoticon

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I Believe In You

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Yesterday was awful. I was tired and worn down. I nearly fell asleep at my desk four times. Going to the gym was a joke to me. How, when it was taking every bit of my energy to stay awake on the drive home? I started tallying up all the aches and pains and woes of my body and the running count left me bypassing the gym and heading for the comforting faces and arms of my boys instead. Last night, I finally added up the damage of overeating and no exercise for the day and had my first ever positive net calorie day in a month. And I felt pathetic and lost because I knew what was coming today on the scale. 309.6 up to 312 this morning. I knew it was coming. I knew what I'd done. After realizing that I was 1k calories over my daily goal, and with no calories burned to make up for it, I firmly announced to my husband before I stomped off to bed. "That's it. I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I can't fight for something that will never happen. I won't be under 300...ever. And I will never see the other side of 200 for sure. I had a good run, but I'm done now."

I didn't cry myself to sleep like always. I was done crying over it. It was what it was. I had done a lot in my life I could be proud of, and I could be proud of losing over 150 pounds as well. I didn't have to be THE success story to be a success story. I needed to just be okay with being me and be good with that, whatever shape it took. Hell, even Oprah gained a bunch of her weight back! Nobody sees her as less wise or ambitious or successful just because she couldn't maintain the weight she starved herself to get to. So I simply went to bed, knowing I'd simply keep up my good habits and hope that I didn't gain any more back. Maybe one day I'd get back to the fight. Maybe not. But I had a good run and I was ready to say goodbye.

Then I got this this morning in my email box at work. Hubs wrote it last night after my little speech when I was resigning myself to quitting and (FINALLY!) going to sleep...

I believe in you.

When you are closest to giving up, success is nearby.

Even if success does not come soon after, even through you may go to sleep with tears, that part of you that does not feel bodily pain or fatigue can rest peacefully knowing that you are resolute in your endeavor.

Defeat is worst dealt by your own hand.

Know this. I believe in you, as I know you.

Okay, so I don't think it's fair for him to make me cry at work. Especially when my makeup job today looks friggin' awesome! *lol* "Defeat is worst dealt by your own hand." So true! I say all the time that the world could try to break me, that it could push me back down in the mud, but that I could be happy knowing that I fought back at every moment. The attempt at success was a success in itself, whether or not I succeeded at my goals. So how could I turn my back on that and just give in to the world and its noise?

You all know I've had a rough go of it lately. I fight for every few pounds I get, regain them, and fight again. As I told Hubs, I know my problem (as always) is with consistency and balance. I get angry, get defiant, fight back and go hard for a couple weeks, and then I get burnt out and worn down and I stumble again. I take 3 steps forward, 2 steps back and have been for the whole of 2011.

I wondered this morning what my end of 2011 blog would look like. The first thought was a blog about how much this year has sucked for me. And then I stopped myself, held my finger up and said, "No. This year has sucked in terms of weightloss, but that is not all you are and that is not all there is."

This year I came closer than ever to discovering who I am, what I want, and what my true soul thursts for. I took trips I never imagined I'd have an opportunity to take. Hell, I went from 30 years of no Vegas to going twice in the same year! I faced my fears and ran in front of my entire town! I struggled in Utah and then somehow found the courage to recognize that what was in front of me was old habits being forced upon me and I chose to stand up for myself. More than ever, 2011 was the year I finally stood up for myself and said, "THIS is what I want. You can either come with me or I'll go alone but, either way, I'm going!"

From a child that was beat for breathing (no, I'm not exaggerating) and never knew what to say that was right, to a girl that didn't care if what she said was right, to a woman that attempts to balance her own feelings with those of others but never allows herself to be fully compromised on the issues that really matter. By golly, George, I think she's growing up.

So what if I've lost only 20 pounds this year? I've been told by so many people how much I inspire them, how proud they are of me, and it really does mean a lot to me to hear. But more than ever, I finally felt proud of myself for once. Not because I started losing weight again, but because I never gave up.

So, once again, I'm not giving up. I don't know where I'll go from here. Well, I know as far as this -- I'm once again going to shoot for 1600 calories, 8+ glasses of water, and at least 30 minutes of working out. That's as far as I know. And that's okay for now because it means I haven't given up...not really. The scale is fickle, but if I resolve myself not to be, maybe, just maybe I'll beat him. Or maybe not.

I thought my goal was as simple as I could make it. 298 by December 31st. But every day I cry and rant and fuss over that stupid number. Instead, I'm just going to let it be. I'll get there...I hope. I honestly don't know if I will. Because I can only control so much. And what I can control, sometimes I'm not so great at maintaining control. I have days of hitting all my goals, and then I fall off for a day or two, and then I'm right back on again. And that translates to a perfect yo-yo on the scale. You think I would've learned by now, right?!

The woman at the gym who is meant to help me out keeps asking to see my numbers. She says she can help me...get me back on track. I've resisted basically because I know exactly what I'm doing wrong. I have the numbers, I see the numbers, I know what the numbers should be and I know how often I hit them and how often I don't. I have about a 65% success rate with my goals...which has led to a VERY slow rate of weight loss. I know WHAT to do, and I know what she'll tell me to do. Problem is, she can't REALLY help me. She can't remind me that when others are eating it doesn't mean I have to as well. She can't be there in my moments of weakness and self-doubt when I give in and basically ruin the day. She can't be there at night when I feel weak. She can't drive me to the gym when I don't want to go. She can't talk me out of my aches and pains and onto the treadmill. She can't do these things because these are all the things *I* control. She can't fix that...I have to.

And...and I have to be okay with knowing that I won't always be able to fix them. That part of my nature is to be a little off every now and again. I need to learn how to work around that instead of having it fight against me. I need to find alternatives and backup plans like I've always had.

I know what I need to do. I just need to do it.

And, you know what? I'm going to say something else we're not supposed to say. I've been doing this for me for a while now. Problem is, I don't have much faith or self-worth flowing through me right now. I've fought so many battles for myself this year that I'm worn down. It's tough sticking up for yourself when you've spent 30 years figuring out how to be the perfect doormat! So, at least for a little while, I'm doing this for him.

"Know this. I believe in you, as I know you." Yep...for right now, I'm doing this for him. Because sometimes he IS there when I give in to temptation. And he knows when to remind me and then to back off when I don't listen. And I need to start listening more. He can't do it for me, but he can sure as heck help me! And I have to learn to accept that accept all the help that's been offered to me. "No man is an island," right?! Until I can learn to believe in me, I'm going to have to let him do it for me...and I'm going to have to use that to fuel my day. I don't have to be perfect...I just have to keep trying.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HEALTH-E-CLARE 10/19/2011 9:19AM

    I love that your husband is giving you the support your need, when you need it!

I believe in you to, and it sounds like with the 20lbs lost already this year, you've also gained so much in yourself, which is two amazing victories right there.

"I don't have to be perfect...I just have to keep trying." LOVE IT!

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KKINNEA 10/18/2011 6:11PM

    Your husband made me cry at work too. What great thoughts to reflect on. I think the idea of leaving the number out there and just shooting to be consistent for as long as possible could be a better path - I hope it pays off in spades for you!

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HAMMLIN 10/18/2011 4:01PM

    Your hubby made *me* cry at work too! So unfair.
Thank you so much for sharing what you are walking through. I've had nights like that myself- it's just never going to happen etc all the negative self talk the enemy can make me muster.

I believe in you, too.

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LOTUSFLOWER 10/18/2011 2:52PM

    What an amazing husband you have, and you are a fighter. I see it in your pictures, in your words, and actions. You have got this and don't let that little voice inside your head tell you that you can't. Because you CAN!!!!!!

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MIQUEY73 10/18/2011 12:44PM

    Your DH is a very smart man. I'm glad that you have someone who is so supportive. You are already successful but I know that you can do more. I completely understand getting tired of contstantly fighting the battle. There are times that I just give up and give in. Then I wonder what the heck I was thinking when I binged (or whatever self destructive thing I did). I was telling a friend the other day that I'm so sick of constantly hurting. When I was working out some of my aches and pains started to disipate so I know that's exactly what I need to do again.

I'm rooting for you and me! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DEBJAE 10/18/2011 12:39PM

    Oh what a sweet email from you DH.

So you are resigned to not letting the lady at the gym see your numbers because you are certain that anything she has to tell you, you already know. I've been there many times, I am the most stubborn person I know emoticon and will not let anyone help me unless I absolutely desparately need it so I say this with kindness...maybe change your mind about her offer of case she has something new to say you haven't thought of. I know it's a big step but if it turns out helpful great, if not you can just say 'I know this already' and move on. emoticon emoticon

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BLACK-PRINCESS 10/18/2011 12:13PM

    emoticon emoticon

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SHEILA1505 10/18/2011 11:40AM

    Well done DH! Your timing was perfect :)
Sometimes being accountable to someone else (or asking for their help) makes all the difference. Hope this works for you too


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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 10/18/2011 11:32AM

    Great blog. Lovely letter from your husband. Great strength from you. emoticon

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SLFRISBEY 10/18/2011 10:57AM

    I love that email from your hubs! So sweet! I often have to do that exact same thing. When I don't believe in me, I can rely on my other half to help me and vice versa. You are amazing and like CREATINGAMANDA said, "only" 20 lbs??? You kicked butt and did it ALL YOURSELF! No one could lose the weight for you, YOU DID IT! 2011 May be coming to a close but there is still time and you have alot to be proud of!

Comment edited on: 10/18/2011 3:37:09 PM

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PAANDRUS 10/18/2011 10:42AM

    First~Hang in there! 2nd thanks for the honesty! We've all been where you're some some level. One great thing is you recognize what needs need to be met. You're not in denial YOU know! So as I tell my self~"self" put on your big girl panties and suck it up! Remember why you started & how far you've come! When you went to bed & didn't fall apart (I would've) tells me right there~You knew you'd still try & you'd still watch your calories each day. You're important to everyone else..You need to be important to yourself! Hang in there & just deal with today! Take care...

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MAMADWARF 10/18/2011 10:30AM

    well this is quite the journey isn't it? I have only lost 20 pounds this year, too. I understand how you feel and I, too, am going to keep fighting. I think it's OK to do this for your loving supportive husband for now. A shift in motivation may be a good thing. I think I will give it a try. Because we aren't done yet are we? You have made me consider some things. Thank you. Carry on.

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SARAWALKS 10/18/2011 10:19AM

    "Defeat is worst dealt by your own hand." So true. May I put that on my page?
Hubs rocks. Let him help you. Maybe part of the way through and on is to find out how to let yourself be important, just as they are important, no more, no less.
After all, the healthier you are, the healthier they are, right?

20 lbs. looks good to me too. I have been doing the yo-yo dance with my last ten pounds all year too. Confronting the same issues, balance and consistency and sustainability. I haven't taken much time for spark lately because I know it all comes down to me...but I need to find a way to balance spark in there too, since I NEED HELP TOO! (No Hubs around for me) And I was the original "let me do it myself" kid from the time I could walk...

You will find your way, I believe in you too. emoticon
And I believe in me as well. emoticon

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35ANGELS 10/18/2011 9:40AM

    Awesome blog emoticon

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CALLIKIA 10/18/2011 9:38AM

    MAKIN - I want to believe that...but I can't right now. I've sacrificed so much of my time with my boys this year because I was doing me. *shrug* Sometimes they have to be number one. Of course, not at the cost myself or my sanity, but my sanity is wrapped up a lot in what Hubs and the kids feel and experience and I'm realizing more and more that part of who I am is the connections I make to other people.

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CREATINGAMANDA 10/18/2011 9:36AM

    Huge brownie points for the hubs! And what do you mean 'only' lost 20 lbs this year? I haven't lost 20 lbs this year - 20 lbs is awesome! I know it's not what you were hoping for and sometimes it's hard to see past what you were hoping for to what you actually accomplished. But, sweetie, you haven't been sitting on your butt all year. You've been fighting like mad, and that's reason to be proud. And it's reason to keep going. I, too, believe in you.

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MAKINYEMI 10/18/2011 9:26AM

  Wow. You need to do you. You are nubmer ONE.

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Crazy Stupid Busy

Thursday, October 13, 2011

So, yeah...things have been crazy.

Ethan's football team is wrapping up their regular season. That means it's on to the quarter finals (and then maybe semi-finals and championships). We've...okay *I've* been pushing Ethan to give it everything he has. I have to say (and I don't want this to come off cocky, but here goes anyhow), it's nice to be able to use myself as an example of pushing through and becoming better every time you go out there.

Work has been crazy as well. I was informed last week that I would be taking on a major important case so I've been working my butt off like crazy on that. When I'm done with it, I've been informed I'll be taking on about 5 more cases in the hopes of finishing the investigations on them and completing them before the end of the year (if possible). Add to that the information I was given that I would be moving into a different office and, therefore, required in one day to pack up all my belongings and drag them across the office to the other end, and then on Tuesday until today (still not fully settled in, actually, but as best I can without wanting to shoot myself for having to live out of boxes), unpacking while focusing on this huge case. So, yeah, I've been crazy, stupid busy at work. (The good thing is that my office is probably 4 times the size of my old cubicle and it feels so much more grown up to be in here. Sorry, I guess us "grown ups" should say, "It feels much more professional" or something like that. ;)

As for my running? I've been doing it as often as I can. Last night I knew I was obligated to Ethan to take him to football practice. Problem was, I didn't know when I'd have time to work out. To solve the problem of only one me, I took him to football practice, then ran over to McDonald's and changed into my running gear, and then went for a run while practice started. I have to say, it was nice to have a bit of a change of scenery for once! When I was done with my run, I came back and watched the rest of practice. That being said, I missed my run on Monday. I was off that day, so I had an ENTIRE day to do it and I still didn't. Of course, I can't really fault myself considering I spent the better part of 4 hours cleaning and scrubbing my house like a mad woman. (Either way, calories were burned, baby!) Saturday I'm scheduled to do 4 miles. 1/4 mile walk warm-up, 3.5 miles running, 1/4 mile cool-down. I'm hoping I can get through it as last week's run was uber difficult with the foot pain (still lingering but I can't really do much about it...doesn't seem serious and has come/go for months) and now I'm having a bit of hip pain again. I'll play it by ear - I want to push myself, but I don't want to push myself over the edge and get seriously injured.

ST has been pretty non-existent lately. Of course, you could count the fact that I've been moving heavy boxes and cleaning and scrubbing and taking apart cubicle walls for the better part of a week, but I don't count that really. Last ST was during Friday's circuit training, which I hope to repeat again tomorrow. Still, I'm trying not to harp on myself too much over it because I've done something, even if it's just yoga on my "off" days every day since last Friday. I'm thinking starting a streak would be a great idea, so I'm marking my little calendar with stars every single day in October that I exercise. You don't know how much I want that thing basically full (other than the 2 days I missed last week. *sigh*).

Yoga's coming back into my routine. Much of my stretches from both the Chiro and the Physical Therapist involve variations of Yoga moves, so I figure it can't hurt to keep that balanced in. Stretching, I think, is going to be extremely important in maintaining both my running form and the form my PT and Chiro gave me through therapy. As Hubs would say, "If you don't use it, you lose it." So doing more yoga. I'm thinking of pulling it in on especially difficult days like today. My body is screaming for a rest day, but I still want my little star sticker, so as a compromise, I do 15-30 minutes of Yoga a day (even splitting it up into 10 or 15 minute increments) and then I get my sticker and my body gets stretching and some much needed rest from the more high-impact stuff I like to do so much.

Hrm...what else?

Oh, yes. Food. I've been pretty consistent with packing my lunch lately. Today Ethan made me a sandwich and I'm having some Green Giant broccoli and cheese with it. Although I used to hate the idea of processed foods during my "healthy lifestyle" I'm realizing more and more that I have to give in on some things. I need the convenience of some prepared foods because I'm stretched too thin and burn out otherwise. I'll cook and eat homemade leftovers when I can, but when I'm in a bind, I'd much rather make myself a sandwich and have an apple and some frozen veggies for lunch than to order some fast food and feel guilty and icky all day. As for dinners...some days are better than others. Trying to make sure to stick to my calorie goals, but I'm not always meeting them the way I want to. Still, I just forgive myself and try again as soon as possible, questioning only what my reasoning was for overeating. This is a life lesson, y'all. I will never stop learning.

I haven't taken measurements lately, but I can say that I'm noticing some difference in how my lower body is shaping up. With the first 100 pounds, my upper body started to look more pleasing to me, but when I looked down I got sad again. Now, no doubt in large part to the running, my lower body is starting to make some notion like it's going to start the catch-up game. That would please me to no end because I've been in between sizes for so long and have wanted to punch someone because of it. So, I'll keep running and hope that these changes just keep happening (legs smaller, hips shrinking, tummy even looks like it's rising to it's proper place).

As for this guy? Yeah, it hates me...and I don't like it much right now either. Today I weighed in at 310.8. I was up on Sunday and changed my ticker accordingly. I used to think "I gained weight, I don't deserve the congrats when I lose it again the next week." But now I think, "Yep, I messed up, but I deserve every amount of congrats for Spark for pulling myself back on track!" I'll be honest with my ticker every single Sunday, good or bad. And I'll be honest with myself that it will come off when it's good and ready and when I'M good and ready to be consistent with my efforts. I can't blame anyone but myself for my missteps, and blaming doesn't really do all that much to help the situation. Instead, I'm reevaluating and moving on with a better outlook on the future. I may stumble, but I'll keep going.

So that's it basically. I'm still plugging away. Living a lot of it in my head right now. Trying not to seek out praise or consolation from others and trying to give it to myself when I need it. Trying to be honest with myself and help myself along the way. Yes, I did what I did so far because Spark was such an important part of keeping my focused (and the tools still are!), but one of these days it's going to be so extremely important for me to find within myself the power and drive to continue. I have GOT to stop competing with all of you and start competing with myself!

I read something the other day in a Runner's Magazine about running uphill and it struck me then. It said that you shouldn't push harder going uphill because you're just going to expend all that energy and have to slow down on the downhill more than you normally would. It said, "Focus on even effort, not even pace." It hit me then. Even Effort, Not Even Pace. Yes, I have amazing friends on here competing in triathlons and marathons and I admire them so much for it, but in the past I'd feel this twinge of guilt and jealousy that I wasn't where they were in my journey. I cannot run a marathon right now. Plain and simple impossible. I don't even know if I could WALK a marathon right now. What I do know, however, is that I put in the same amount of effort in my weekly runs that they do when they're training for their marathons. EVEN EFFORT, NOT EVEN PACE. I put in even effort maintaining a consistent 14-15 minute mile pace throughout the course of 1-2-or even 3 now! miles as they do running 9-10 minute mile pace for 20 miles. If you put us next to each other after our runs, we'd look like we'd both raced the same amount.

My thought process throughout this made me realize how much I compete with all of my wonderful friends on Spark. I'm competitive by nature, so it shouldn't be that surprising, but I had to question where that need came from to be as good or better. I realized that I didn't feel worthy of praise because my pace wasn't with theirs. I couldn't hear anything else from friends, family, etc. I wasn't good enough because they were "better." Yeah, I know...this is me, working on me.

Yeah, so that's where I've been lately. Please know that me withdrawing into myself is not because of anything any of you have done. Please know I think of you often on my runs and in life and talk about you to my husband so much I think he's going to shoot me when his eye rolling stops doing it for him. ;) And know that sometimes I'm still there, lurking. And know that, for those of you I know a little more personally who have my phone number, you are always welcome to use it. I'm a shy person by nature at first (yes, I know you don't believe that) but I always appreciate the support and love and consideration and will try to give it back in kind.

Okay, off to work some more on me (and this big case! EEP!).

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHEILA1505 10/17/2011 3:02PM

    There's so much here - but the Even effort, not even Pace is huge.
Thank you

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DPIRIE 10/16/2011 8:28PM

    I get embarrassed when my weight goes in the past I've not changed it. Once I did and I ate for 2 days seeing that again number again...ah self sabotage...I'm okay with it now. My weight goes up and down and I now know that it has a lot to do with my that time of the month.

You've inspired me to weigh myself every week and input it no matter what. This is about me competing with myself. To inspire myself to stay on track.


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BAYBELIEVER 10/15/2011 2:11PM

    Great view on the even effort! I compete with everyone too--glad to see someone else does too--and I really get down on myself when others post or tell me they walk a 14 minutes mile and I was/had been thrilled I was down to a 16 minute walk! Even effort. Just the effort. It's all good! As someone else mentioned on a blog, most morbidly obese people like myself won't even go out and do anything! I am so jealous of you that you have tamed that running beast! Awesome!

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BTINTERNET 10/14/2011 5:43PM

    *hugs* Good luck with the cases and football and staying on top of things!

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LOTUSFLOWER 10/13/2011 3:49PM

    I am so proud of you, you are doing awesome with the running, and with an injury no less! I love "even effort, not pace". Could be translated to "even effort, not distance". I have friends who outdo me in both, and I do struggle with feeling like I'm not doing as much as a result of that. It's really hard to push past that emotion, actually. But I think acknowledging that YOU are doing YOU and they are doing what they do, and that is OK is a huge part of the acceptance. We all have our own journeys, and if person As was the same as Person B, well, that would just be boring. I could completely relate to everything you've said here. I think you are simply amazing. And emoticon

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ERIN1128 10/13/2011 2:06PM

    Even effort, not pace - love it! so true...I get so jealous when I see runners that make it look easy, but I have to remind myself that the fact that I'm running at all now is pretty amazing. Keep up the good work!

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KKINNEA 10/13/2011 1:09PM

    Awesome - keep doing those 4 miles and babying the foot and hip so as you get stronger you can keep increasing distance. Love to hear that things are shaping up!

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MIQUEY73 10/13/2011 12:54PM

    I like that: Even Effort.

Hopefully it slows down a smidge for you. Good job with the running too! I would have probably not ran if that had been my situation.

Take care!

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SARAWALKS 10/13/2011 12:47PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
emoticon it
Great mantra!

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KLYNNSCHULTZ 10/13/2011 12:38PM

    Wow! You have a lot going on! Good on you for keeping up with your running despite being so busy.


Good luck on your big case!

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BLACK-PRINCESS 10/13/2011 12:28PM

i wish u the emoticon

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I Think This is the Start of a Beautiful Friendship

Friday, October 07, 2011

...with my Nike Training application. I downloaded this months ago but I've been too...what's the word...oh, yeah, SCARED to try it. Well, since I missed my run yesterday I figured a good 30 minute circuit today could make up for it. And make up for it I did!

The app is great, so if y'all have an iPhone or iPod I would totally suggest looking into it. It gives you prompts, demos, etc. You set what your goal is (mine was Get Lean, of course) and then pick a workout (I picked Fighter Fit cuz that's what I needed to feel like today). It starts you with a warm-up jog and straight-leg kicks and then off you go. Jumps, lunges, side lunges, planks, pushups, etc. By 20 minutes in I was having difficulty walking. *lol* It even prompts stretches at the end so it's a full workout from beginning to end.

Of course 20 minutes in some woman walks into the gym, fit and fabulous at (i'm guessing) 50-something and puts in Chalean Go Extreme and turns to me and asks if I want to join her. *lol* If she'd walked in just moments before she would've seen me in my minute recovery sprawled out in a pool of sweat on the floor thinking, "I will NEVER move again!" *lol* I said "Thanks but I'm almost done" and she was sweet as ever telling me how wonderful I'd done. (This is the same woman who made it a point to come up to me in the gym after my disastrous 2-mile Firecracker Run and tell me how amazing she thought I was.)

I needed today.
1. CC said all is well. I won't see him again for 3 weeks and then a month after that to ensure we're still good to go. He tells me all the time how much my workouts inspire him.

2. I found Pumpkin Pie Spice creamer...finally!!!

3. I spent a whole 7 bucks at Rite-Aid and got: 6 CoverGirl concealers, 2 eyeshadows, and 2 face powders, 4 Gillette deoderants, and 2 bottles of Scope.

4. I got in a KILLER workout!

5. I came home and got in a wonderful tasty bowl of healthy Three-Bean Taco Soup. YUM!

Now off to my 2nd doc appointment (after my 2nd shower of the day, of course *lol*) and then football practice tonight for the boy.

Me and this program...well, I'm considering making it a weekly Friday thing. I feel amazing. I really feel like a Fighter again, and I haven't felt that great in SO long. Plus, with each workout you "unlock" another workout so it's kinda like a game too! :)

Sorry for my lack of communication lately. Between internet BS and then work being super crazy (all good stuff, I'm showing how reliable I can be and the higher ups are taking notice and putting me on very important things because, as they've actually written and said aloud, "We know we can trust you with this." Oh, and Tuesday when I go back to work, that trust manifests itself in a brand-spankin' new office. A real office with walls and a door and a ceiling! I never had a ceiling before (always in cubicles before)! :)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DETERMINED_SOUL 10/11/2011 10:18AM


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SCHENPOSSIBLE 10/10/2011 11:46PM

    emoticon good for you

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4EVERADONEGIRL 10/10/2011 10:55AM

    Yay!!!!! I actually have that app but haven't used it! LOL I guess I'll have to move it into rotation... :-)

What an awesome day - and BTW - LOVE the profile pic!!! Gorgeous AND tough!!! The perfect combination. YAY!!!

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RUSSELLORAMA 10/7/2011 10:54PM

    This post makes me so happy! I'm glad to hear so many awesome things are happening for you. :)

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SNAZZYMC 10/7/2011 8:22PM

    NTC is my favorite app!!! I love doing the Jeanette Jenkins' Ab Blast workout (bonus reward @ 240 mins) - I feel like a WARRIOR when I'm done that one!! A sweaty, muscle-shaking, panting warrior....but a warrior nonetheless!!

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SARAWALKS 10/7/2011 6:31PM

    emoticon This is wonderful news - ALL of this - but how special that you get your own office at work! emoticon emoticon
Keep fighting! emoticon

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MENNOLY 10/7/2011 3:12PM

    emoticonYou sound really great! Good job on the exercise and the work place. Fantastic! emoticon

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CALLIKIA 10/7/2011 3:07PM

    Oh, I'm not saying anything bad about her. She inspires me all the time and kinda reminds me of my aunt (who also inspires me). ;)

Three-bean Taco Soup recipe is on Spark Recipes and it's super easy and yummy (tastes like chili with corn in it *lol*).

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MEWHENRYSMAMA 10/7/2011 2:56PM

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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AHEALTHYDANI 10/7/2011 2:38PM

    Firstly, way to go on the kick ass workout! emoticon
Secondly - Three-Bean Taco Soup sounds amazing!!!
Lastly, you rock!!!!

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DOINIT4ME2DAY 10/7/2011 1:29PM

    Great post! Keep it up!! You're doing great and like everyone else has said, I can definitely hear the excitement in your words!

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KKINNEA 10/7/2011 1:19PM

    The energy pouring off this blog is amazing - awesome!!

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CHICAT63 10/7/2011 12:59PM

    Woohoo, for the apps & the compliments. Congratulations on the new office, now you need a chandelier to make your new office pretty and sparkly ! Of course you can do other things from a chandelier, I would suggest it but I am sure you have a vivid imagination *lol*. Have a great long weekend, Josée

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VOLUPTURAPTOR 10/7/2011 12:58PM

    Congratulations on a good day at the gym! and !!! Who makes the pumpkin pie spice creamer?! I'm craving a pumpkin spice latte like crazy, but cannot deal with how many calories it is.

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SARAHJ19 10/7/2011 12:51PM

    I am definitely going to check out that App! Thanks for sharing! Way to go for getting a kick butt workout in today!! NIce deals at Rite Aid! Are you a couponer too? emoticon I am going to be clipping coupons tonight and finding deals for the weekend! Oh and I LOVE pumpkin pie spice creamer.... emoticon

Here's to a healthy rest of your day and mine too!
Keep it up girl, you rock!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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COCOMAC7 10/7/2011 12:31PM

    You inspire me - I probably don't tell you that enough!

I did download that app and then didn't really do it haha. Will have to try again. I am pretty competitive so I think i'd like the "unlock" feature of it!

I miss hearing from you but in truth I haven't been sparking as much as I should either. So glad to hear you are rocking things and you sound happy emoticon

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ERIN1128 10/7/2011 12:22PM

    Glad everything is going well!

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    Keep doing great..and moving on up! emoticon emoticon

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The Struggle is My Neverending Story

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Just wanted to give you all an update and reasoning why I haven't been here the past few days. First of all, things got a little crazy because we got an extra day off this week (yesterday) which always causes mass chaos in my head because my schedule changes and I have to adapt. It also meant I had to take off Friday because I would now be required to work it, and I already had two appointments scheduled for that day. So, yeah, wrapping my head around a simple change -- sounds simple...never is.

Anyhow, I didn't really have much of anything to report. My weight has been sticking in the 310-312 range and I can fully blame myself for that (too much sodium and fat the past couple days...and certainly too many calories on Monday night). I'm not fretting. It was one day, I've continued to workout even though I changed my schedule a bit, and I'm still pushing forward with my plan. I guess I felt I had nothing to report. I've been dealing with a bunch of other non-weight-related challenges that we've been facing as a family lately.

Friday's appointments will be:
1) My last appointment with the Chiro for a while. This gives me mixed emotions. I'll be glad to save the money, but scared because he's done so much good for me and I'm afraid to lose that!

2) My annual appointment with my doctor - which always freaks me out anyhow - but was brought on by my insurance company's not-so-subtle reminder that I've reached my 1 year mark with the Weight Management program. Too many thoughts running through my head on this one to count - fear, anxiety, depression, sadness, happiness, joy, pride...the list goes on and on. That means I only have 1 more year of them helping me out and keeping me honest, which poses even more emotions. Add to all of this the fact that I've been having a constant, steady cramp around my left side for months now and I'm just full of emotions and no way to express them.

So that's where I am right now. Can't say that I'm all bummed out, because I'm not. Some things bring me immense joy - like my triumphs in running. Some things make me angry and sad and scared and nervous and anxious, but others make me happy and proud and overjoyed. So I guess, for now, I just am. Doing what I've set out to do. And I guess I didn't want to report -- "SSDD!" -- because that's really ALL it's been. Oh, and then there's the whole issue with our internet/phone going down for the past 5 days or so. Yeah, fun. :/

Anyhow, I'm still around - just hard to comment using my tiny little phone. Miss you all! Football season for the little one is almost over so that should give me more time for Spark, and I think our internet might be resetting today or tomorrow...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRACYZABELLE 10/7/2011 4:12AM

    I had put off my blood work for over a month and I have no idea why! Of course now there are some numbers the Dr does not like so I will be going back to him boooo~ Good luck at your yearly

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MEWHENRYSMAMA 10/6/2011 1:49AM

MARY emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 10/6/2011 1:50:15 AM

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ERIN1128 10/5/2011 7:47PM

    You have come such a long way!

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4EVERADONEGIRL 10/5/2011 7:10PM

    Your title says it all for me! I struggle what seems like every darn day. Well, I keep having faith that someday this whole thing will come easy! :-)

Hang in there - you have done amazing and I'm sure you will continue to do so through the next year!

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WISHWHISPER 10/5/2011 5:48PM


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KKINNEA 10/5/2011 4:49PM

    You're pushing forward and that's what matters!

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BLACK-PRINCESS 10/5/2011 4:43PM

    emoticon hang in there

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MENNOLY 10/5/2011 4:35PM

    Glad to hear from you. I would think your Dr is going to be thrilled with your progress. You have done so well. Here's hoping everything goes well. emoticon

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 10/5/2011 4:35PM

    Good luck at your appointments.

Football season is almost over already?!?! Will he be playing another sport? hopefully you'll get some more me time, because I know how important that is to you (and I know your family is too, but a girls gotta have some time to herself).

Missed you, but glad to hear that you are still chugging along.

Good luck!

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