Wednesday, October 19, 2011
[DISCLAIMER: I don't suggest even reading this blog. It's crap. I know that. It's my messed up head taking over and being angry and letting it fly because I have no where else to put it. Because all Hubs can say is that I just have to keep working at it and it will work...and that's all anyone says. And a year of waiting for me...well, I could think of at least 20 things right now that I'd rather be doing than waiting on this to happen again...and they aren't exactly pretty. So, for the sake of yourself...just ignore this blog and see if I change my attitude later and delete it and/or post something else.]
Frustrated. That's exactly what I am today. I went to Zumba last night babying an already hurt left foot. It's been hurting for a long time and the pain increases/decreases off and on. Right now it has decided it's going to hurt...a LOT. But I went to Zumba anyhow because I'm struggling between the part of me that wants to take care of my body and the part of me that just simply hates every part of me right now. Yes, I'm in a very negative space right now. I could pretend I'm not but what good would that do? "Fake it 'till you make it" has not been helping, so now it's "cry and whine until you get it out of your system." (I usually try to shield y'all from this crap as much as I can, but I need this venting space. Spark is supposed to help, right!? Blogging/journaling is supposed to help. So here I am, crying and whining it out of me (I hope!).)
So I went to Zumba anyhow. I told myself I could modify whatever I needed to. Line dancing instructor says to me, "You've gotta watch out for your knee, right?!" "Oh, no," I say. "It's my foot right now that I have to be careful of." He tells me to take it easy and I *honestly* try to. Sometimes, though, in the moment, the movement doesn't actually hurt. Jumping up and down felt fine. Absolutely fine. Two songs later and I finally feel it. Stupid! Not only that but for some reason my knee decided to give me trouble (I blamed it on LD instructor and told him he jinxed me) and popped out nearly once in each of the first 4 songs. *sigh* Add to that the hurt in my hip and there was a moment about 40 minutes in where I had to actually excuse myself and go sit down and stretch out my leg.
I limped home, exhausted and angry. I hate feeling this way.
Yesterday I went back through my old blogs, trying to find some pearls of wisdom to get me through this time, trying to see how close I was to making my 2011 goals and see if there was anything I could do in the final months to make that happen (there isn't much I can do, really). What I realized is that I, or someone in my family, has been ill pretty much all of 2011. I'm either traveling or sick, or traveling while sick. I started the year with a monster ear infection, which I took with me to Vegas. Between sinus infections, the ear infection, adjusting to Depo (I'm seriously starting to wonder how much this is screwing with me), then the back pain, the hip/pelvic pain, and now the foot pain. Plus there were two days a few weeks ago when I spent 2 days completely out of my mind. I still have no clue what that was! 2011 has been the year of illness and aches and pain and just plain rebellion from my body.
Am I pushing too hard? I don't think so. I work out my own training programs that include things I can do, do increases very slowly (it took me 2 months to get to 2 miles running), and I take rests when I need to. I reevaluate all the time according to how my body feels. I've taken whole weeks off to accommodate the pain and illness. And then I've gotten right back up on the horse and got back to it.
I have no answers. I'm just sad about it. And today I'm struggling with whether I push through or rest...and I do NOT have an answer for you as to what I'm going to do. Resting would be easy ...but would it be wimping out? Of course, working out through the pain could cause injury ...but how is that any different from the whole of 2011? Avoid pain - lose nothing. Push through pain - limp my way through and maybe lose a pound or two.
What can I say? I have more questions than answers and I will feel guilty no matter what I choose to do.
Guilt. Another thing I feel a lot. Guilt from the time I steal from my boys. Guilt from the way my body feels. Guilt when I miss a workout. Guilt when I push too hard. Guilt when I don't push hard enough. The guilt is overwhelming.
Guilt, and jealousy. I will tell you right now that I cannot watch Biggest Loser anymore. I hate those people! (Okay, I don't "hate" them, but that's the word that feels the most vicious right now to fit my mood.) I "hate" people with personal trainers. I "hate" people who complain about working out when their bodies are fully capable of it and they don't get injured by trying. I "hate" people who are skinny as heck and stand behind me in class looking fabulous and don't seem to have a drop of sweat on them while I'm breathing like I just pushed a Ford truck up a muddy hill. I hate my body and the way it's been acting lately. I hate myself for hating everything.
See, I'm not handling this very well. I announced again last night to Hubs after going over my calorie goals (I was SO friggin' HUNGRY last night!!) that I was quitting. Again. And this morning I logged in to log my calories again. Oh, and to make matters worse. After two days of insanity as far as the numbers go, and the pain and the crying...so much stupid crying...I woke up this morning and went from 312 yesterday to 305.8 today. Either the scale is broken or I am. (and for those about to tell me not to weigh-in every day, I'm trying to get some gauge as to how my body works using a spreadsheet I have. I'm trying to figure out how to make this work again because...either it's broken or I am. That requires a daily tally of calories eaten-calories burned- and weight each day.)
Where am I going with this? Oh, nowhere really. Last night I got all angry at myself and told myself to stop whining and that the real problem is that I'm not trying hard enough. So this morning I've spent figuring out how to get a 1750 calorie deficit (1/2 a pound) each day. I don't think it will work, but I want to use myself as an experiment, because if I can't go back to doing what I was doing and lose weight...if I'm stuck here stalling, I may as well be doing SOMETHING with my time. So far I've determined that if I can burn 756 calories in a day, I can eat 1600. If, however, I only burn 356 in a day, then I need to only eat 1200 calories. And that's every single day working out that much. And I don't think my body can take that. And I'm not going under 1200 calories because I think even THAT is too low for my body. (I've had periods of time where I tried this and I actually gained weight all bloated and stuff. Sucked.)
But, still, I hear the woman at the gym in my head saying, "If you want to lose more, we can up how much you workout and lower your calories." I want to kill that voice in my head. I'm struggling already and she wants to make it harder. But after the past few weeks (and the final realization of the 20 pounds per year loss I've had in 2011), I want to be extreme. I want to take every bit of stupid advice I've heard so far and every crazy thing I see other people doing (and it totally works for them)...everything I've dismissed as crazy extreme and I want to try it. Either I'll come out the other side saying, "See! I told you this doesn't work for me!" or I'll come out the other side with success, and both of those options sound better than what I've got right now.
Try to eat right. Fail.
Try to exercise. Get hurt.
Try to rest. Feel guilty and gain weight immediately.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Yesterday was awful. I was tired and worn down. I nearly fell asleep at my desk four times. Going to the gym was a joke to me. How, when it was taking every bit of my energy to stay awake on the drive home? I started tallying up all the aches and pains and woes of my body and the running count left me bypassing the gym and heading for the comforting faces and arms of my boys instead. Last night, I finally added up the damage of overeating and no exercise for the day and had my first ever positive net calorie day in a month. And I felt pathetic and lost because I knew what was coming today on the scale. 309.6 up to 312 this morning. I knew it was coming. I knew what I'd done. After realizing that I was 1k calories over my daily goal, and with no calories burned to make up for it, I firmly announced to my husband before I stomped off to bed. "That's it. I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I can't fight for something that will never happen. I won't be under 300...ever. And I will never see the other side of 200 for sure. I had a good run, but I'm done now."
I didn't cry myself to sleep like always. I was done crying over it. It was what it was. I had done a lot in my life I could be proud of, and I could be proud of losing over 150 pounds as well. I didn't have to be THE success story to be a success story. I needed to just be okay with being me and be good with that, whatever shape it took. Hell, even Oprah gained a bunch of her weight back! Nobody sees her as less wise or ambitious or successful just because she couldn't maintain the weight she starved herself to get to. So I simply went to bed, knowing I'd simply keep up my good habits and hope that I didn't gain any more back. Maybe one day I'd get back to the fight. Maybe not. But I had a good run and I was ready to say goodbye.
Then I got this this morning in my email box at work. Hubs wrote it last night after my little speech when I was resigning myself to quitting and (FINALLY!) going to sleep...
I believe in you.
When you are closest to giving up, success is nearby.
Even if success does not come soon after, even through you may go to sleep with tears, that part of you that does not feel bodily pain or fatigue can rest peacefully knowing that you are resolute in your endeavor.
Defeat is worst dealt by your own hand.
Know this. I believe in you, as I know you.
Okay, so I don't think it's fair for him to make me cry at work. Especially when my makeup job today looks friggin' awesome! *lol* "Defeat is worst dealt by your own hand." So true! I say all the time that the world could try to break me, that it could push me back down in the mud, but that I could be happy knowing that I fought back at every moment. The attempt at success was a success in itself, whether or not I succeeded at my goals. So how could I turn my back on that and just give in to the world and its noise?
You all know I've had a rough go of it lately. I fight for every few pounds I get, regain them, and fight again. As I told Hubs, I know my problem (as always) is with consistency and balance. I get angry, get defiant, fight back and go hard for a couple weeks, and then I get burnt out and worn down and I stumble again. I take 3 steps forward, 2 steps back and have been for the whole of 2011.
I wondered this morning what my end of 2011 blog would look like. The first thought was a blog about how much this year has sucked for me. And then I stopped myself, held my finger up and said, "No. This year has sucked in terms of weightloss, but that is not all you are and that is not all there is."
This year I came closer than ever to discovering who I am, what I want, and what my true soul thursts for. I took trips I never imagined I'd have an opportunity to take. Hell, I went from 30 years of no Vegas to going twice in the same year! I faced my fears and ran in front of my entire town! I struggled in Utah and then somehow found the courage to recognize that what was in front of me was old habits being forced upon me and I chose to stand up for myself. More than ever, 2011 was the year I finally stood up for myself and said, "THIS is what I want. You can either come with me or I'll go alone but, either way, I'm going!"
From a child that was beat for breathing (no, I'm not exaggerating) and never knew what to say that was right, to a girl that didn't care if what she said was right, to a woman that attempts to balance her own feelings with those of others but never allows herself to be fully compromised on the issues that really matter. By golly, George, I think she's growing up.
So what if I've lost only 20 pounds this year? I've been told by so many people how much I inspire them, how proud they are of me, and it really does mean a lot to me to hear. But more than ever, I finally felt proud of myself for once. Not because I started losing weight again, but because I never gave up.
So, once again, I'm not giving up. I don't know where I'll go from here. Well, I know as far as this -- I'm once again going to shoot for 1600 calories, 8+ glasses of water, and at least 30 minutes of working out. That's as far as I know. And that's okay for now because it means I haven't given up...not really. The scale is fickle, but if I resolve myself not to be, maybe, just maybe I'll beat him. Or maybe not.
I thought my goal was as simple as I could make it. 298 by December 31st. But every day I cry and rant and fuss over that stupid number. Instead, I'm just going to let it be. I'll get there...I hope. I honestly don't know if I will. Because I can only control so much. And what I can control, sometimes I'm not so great at maintaining control. I have days of hitting all my goals, and then I fall off for a day or two, and then I'm right back on again. And that translates to a perfect yo-yo on the scale. You think I would've learned by now, right?!
The woman at the gym who is meant to help me out keeps asking to see my numbers. She says she can help me...get me back on track. I've resisted basically because I know exactly what I'm doing wrong. I have the numbers, I see the numbers, I know what the numbers should be and I know how often I hit them and how often I don't. I have about a 65% success rate with my goals...which has led to a VERY slow rate of weight loss. I know WHAT to do, and I know what she'll tell me to do. Problem is, she can't REALLY help me. She can't remind me that when others are eating it doesn't mean I have to as well. She can't be there in my moments of weakness and self-doubt when I give in and basically ruin the day. She can't be there at night when I feel weak. She can't drive me to the gym when I don't want to go. She can't talk me out of my aches and pains and onto the treadmill. She can't do these things because these are all the things *I* control. She can't fix that...I have to.
And...and I have to be okay with knowing that I won't always be able to fix them. That part of my nature is to be a little off every now and again. I need to learn how to work around that instead of having it fight against me. I need to find alternatives and backup plans like I've always had.
I know what I need to do. I just need to do it.
And, you know what? I'm going to say something else we're not supposed to say. I've been doing this for me for a while now. Problem is, I don't have much faith or self-worth flowing through me right now. I've fought so many battles for myself this year that I'm worn down. It's tough sticking up for yourself when you've spent 30 years figuring out how to be the perfect doormat! So, at least for a little while, I'm doing this for him.
"Know this. I believe in you, as I know you." Yep...for right now, I'm doing this for him. Because sometimes he IS there when I give in to temptation. And he knows when to remind me and then to back off when I don't listen. And I need to start listening more. He can't do it for me, but he can sure as heck help me! And I have to learn to accept that help...to accept all the help that's been offered to me. "No man is an island," right?! Until I can learn to believe in me, I'm going to have to let him do it for me...and I'm going to have to use that to fuel my day. I don't have to be perfect...I just have to keep trying.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
So, yeah...things have been crazy.
Ethan's football team is wrapping up their regular season. That means it's on to the quarter finals (and then maybe semi-finals and championships). We've...okay *I've* been pushing Ethan to give it everything he has. I have to say (and I don't want this to come off cocky, but here goes anyhow), it's nice to be able to use myself as an example of pushing through and becoming better every time you go out there.
Work has been crazy as well. I was informed last week that I would be taking on a major important case so I've been working my butt off like crazy on that. When I'm done with it, I've been informed I'll be taking on about 5 more cases in the hopes of finishing the investigations on them and completing them before the end of the year (if possible). Add to that the information I was given that I would be moving into a different office and, therefore, required in one day to pack up all my belongings and drag them across the office to the other end, and then on Tuesday until today (still not fully settled in, actually, but as best I can without wanting to shoot myself for having to live out of boxes), unpacking while focusing on this huge case. So, yeah, I've been crazy, stupid busy at work. (The good thing is that my office is probably 4 times the size of my old cubicle and it feels so much more grown up to be in here. Sorry, I guess us "grown ups" should say, "It feels much more professional" or something like that. ;)
As for my running? I've been doing it as often as I can. Last night I knew I was obligated to Ethan to take him to football practice. Problem was, I didn't know when I'd have time to work out. To solve the problem of only one me, I took him to football practice, then ran over to McDonald's and changed into my running gear, and then went for a run while practice started. I have to say, it was nice to have a bit of a change of scenery for once! When I was done with my run, I came back and watched the rest of practice. That being said, I missed my run on Monday. I was off that day, so I had an ENTIRE day to do it and I still didn't. Of course, I can't really fault myself considering I spent the better part of 4 hours cleaning and scrubbing my house like a mad woman. (Either way, calories were burned, baby!) Saturday I'm scheduled to do 4 miles. 1/4 mile walk warm-up, 3.5 miles running, 1/4 mile cool-down. I'm hoping I can get through it as last week's run was uber difficult with the foot pain (still lingering but I can't really do much about it...doesn't seem serious and has come/go for months) and now I'm having a bit of hip pain again. I'll play it by ear - I want to push myself, but I don't want to push myself over the edge and get seriously injured.
ST has been pretty non-existent lately. Of course, you could count the fact that I've been moving heavy boxes and cleaning and scrubbing and taking apart cubicle walls for the better part of a week, but I don't count that really. Last ST was during Friday's circuit training, which I hope to repeat again tomorrow. Still, I'm trying not to harp on myself too much over it because I've done something, even if it's just yoga on my "off" days every day since last Friday. I'm thinking starting a streak would be a great idea, so I'm marking my little calendar with stars every single day in October that I exercise. You don't know how much I want that thing basically full (other than the 2 days I missed last week. *sigh*).
Yoga's coming back into my routine. Much of my stretches from both the Chiro and the Physical Therapist involve variations of Yoga moves, so I figure it can't hurt to keep that balanced in. Stretching, I think, is going to be extremely important in maintaining both my running form and the form my PT and Chiro gave me through therapy. As Hubs would say, "If you don't use it, you lose it." So doing more yoga. I'm thinking of pulling it in on especially difficult days like today. My body is screaming for a rest day, but I still want my little star sticker, so as a compromise, I do 15-30 minutes of Yoga a day (even splitting it up into 10 or 15 minute increments) and then I get my sticker and my body gets stretching and some much needed rest from the more high-impact stuff I like to do so much.
Oh, yes. Food. I've been pretty consistent with packing my lunch lately. Today Ethan made me a sandwich and I'm having some Green Giant broccoli and cheese with it. Although I used to hate the idea of processed foods during my "healthy lifestyle" I'm realizing more and more that I have to give in on some things. I need the convenience of some prepared foods because I'm stretched too thin and burn out otherwise. I'll cook and eat homemade leftovers when I can, but when I'm in a bind, I'd much rather make myself a sandwich and have an apple and some frozen veggies for lunch than to order some fast food and feel guilty and icky all day. As for dinners...some days are better than others. Trying to make sure to stick to my calorie goals, but I'm not always meeting them the way I want to. Still, I just forgive myself and try again as soon as possible, questioning only what my reasoning was for overeating. This is a life lesson, y'all. I will never stop learning.
I haven't taken measurements lately, but I can say that I'm noticing some difference in how my lower body is shaping up. With the first 100 pounds, my upper body started to look more pleasing to me, but when I looked down I got sad again. Now, no doubt in large part to the running, my lower body is starting to make some notion like it's going to start the catch-up game. That would please me to no end because I've been in between sizes for so long and have wanted to punch someone because of it. So, I'll keep running and hope that these changes just keep happening (legs smaller, hips shrinking, tummy even looks like it's rising to it's proper place).
As for this guy? Yeah, it hates me...and I don't like it much right now either. Today I weighed in at 310.8. I was up on Sunday and changed my ticker accordingly. I used to think "I gained weight, I don't deserve the congrats when I lose it again the next week." But now I think, "Yep, I messed up, but I deserve every amount of congrats for Spark for pulling myself back on track!" I'll be honest with my ticker every single Sunday, good or bad. And I'll be honest with myself that it will come off when it's good and ready and when I'M good and ready to be consistent with my efforts. I can't blame anyone but myself for my missteps, and blaming doesn't really do all that much to help the situation. Instead, I'm reevaluating and moving on with a better outlook on the future. I may stumble, but I'll keep going.
So that's it basically. I'm still plugging away. Living a lot of it in my head right now. Trying not to seek out praise or consolation from others and trying to give it to myself when I need it. Trying to be honest with myself and help myself along the way. Yes, I did what I did so far because Spark was such an important part of keeping my focused (and the tools still are!), but one of these days it's going to be so extremely important for me to find within myself the power and drive to continue. I have GOT to stop competing with all of you and start competing with myself!
I read something the other day in a Runner's Magazine about running uphill and it struck me then. It said that you shouldn't push harder going uphill because you're just going to expend all that energy and have to slow down on the downhill more than you normally would. It said, "Focus on even effort, not even pace." It hit me then. Even Effort, Not Even Pace. Yes, I have amazing friends on here competing in triathlons and marathons and I admire them so much for it, but in the past I'd feel this twinge of guilt and jealousy that I wasn't where they were in my journey. I cannot run a marathon right now. Plain and simple impossible. I don't even know if I could WALK a marathon right now. What I do know, however, is that I put in the same amount of effort in my weekly runs that they do when they're training for their marathons. EVEN EFFORT, NOT EVEN PACE. I put in even effort maintaining a consistent 14-15 minute mile pace throughout the course of 1-2-or even 3 now! miles as they do running 9-10 minute mile pace for 20 miles. If you put us next to each other after our runs, we'd look like we'd both raced the same amount.
My thought process throughout this made me realize how much I compete with all of my wonderful friends on Spark. I'm competitive by nature, so it shouldn't be that surprising, but I had to question where that need came from to be as good or better. I realized that I didn't feel worthy of praise because my pace wasn't with theirs. I couldn't hear anything else from friends, family, etc. I wasn't good enough because they were "better." Yeah, I know...this is me, working on me.
Yeah, so that's where I've been lately. Please know that me withdrawing into myself is not because of anything any of you have done. Please know I think of you often on my runs and in life and talk about you to my husband so much I think he's going to shoot me when his eye rolling stops doing it for him. ;) And know that sometimes I'm still there, lurking. And know that, for those of you I know a little more personally who have my phone number, you are always welcome to use it. I'm a shy person by nature at first (yes, I know you don't believe that) but I always appreciate the support and love and consideration and will try to give it back in kind.
Okay, off to work some more on me (and this big case! EEP!).
Friday, October 07, 2011
...with my Nike Training application. I downloaded this months ago but I've been too...what's the word...oh, yeah, SCARED to try it. Well, since I missed my run yesterday I figured a good 30 minute circuit today could make up for it. And make up for it I did!
The app is great, so if y'all have an iPhone or iPod I would totally suggest looking into it. It gives you prompts, demos, etc. You set what your goal is (mine was Get Lean, of course) and then pick a workout (I picked Fighter Fit cuz that's what I needed to feel like today). It starts you with a warm-up jog and straight-leg kicks and then off you go. Jumps, lunges, side lunges, planks, pushups, etc. By 20 minutes in I was having difficulty walking. *lol* It even prompts stretches at the end so it's a full workout from beginning to end.
Of course 20 minutes in some woman walks into the gym, fit and fabulous at (i'm guessing) 50-something and puts in Chalean Go Extreme and turns to me and asks if I want to join her. *lol* If she'd walked in just moments before she would've seen me in my minute recovery sprawled out in a pool of sweat on the floor thinking, "I will NEVER move again!" *lol* I said "Thanks but I'm almost done" and she was sweet as ever telling me how wonderful I'd done. (This is the same woman who made it a point to come up to me in the gym after my disastrous 2-mile Firecracker Run and tell me how amazing she thought I was.)
I needed today.
1. CC said all is well. I won't see him again for 3 weeks and then a month after that to ensure we're still good to go. He tells me all the time how much my workouts inspire him.
2. I found Pumpkin Pie Spice creamer...finally!!!
3. I spent a whole 7 bucks at Rite-Aid and got: 6 CoverGirl concealers, 2 eyeshadows, and 2 face powders, 4 Gillette deoderants, and 2 bottles of Scope.
4. I got in a KILLER workout!
5. I came home and got in a wonderful tasty bowl of healthy Three-Bean Taco Soup. YUM!
Now off to my 2nd doc appointment (after my 2nd shower of the day, of course *lol*) and then football practice tonight for the boy.
Me and this program...well, I'm considering making it a weekly Friday thing. I feel amazing. I really feel like a Fighter again, and I haven't felt that great in SO long. Plus, with each workout you "unlock" another workout so it's kinda like a game too! :)
Sorry for my lack of communication lately. Between internet BS and then work being super crazy (all good stuff, I'm showing how reliable I can be and the higher ups are taking notice and putting me on very important things because, as they've actually written and said aloud, "We know we can trust you with this." Oh, and Tuesday when I go back to work, that trust manifests itself in a brand-spankin' new office. A real office with walls and a door and a ceiling! I never had a ceiling before (always in cubicles before)! :)
Wednesday, October 05, 2011
Just wanted to give you all an update and reasoning why I haven't been here the past few days. First of all, things got a little crazy because we got an extra day off this week (yesterday) which always causes mass chaos in my head because my schedule changes and I have to adapt. It also meant I had to take off Friday because I would now be required to work it, and I already had two appointments scheduled for that day. So, yeah, wrapping my head around a simple change -- sounds simple...never is.
Anyhow, I didn't really have much of anything to report. My weight has been sticking in the 310-312 range and I can fully blame myself for that (too much sodium and fat the past couple days...and certainly too many calories on Monday night). I'm not fretting. It was one day, I've continued to workout even though I changed my schedule a bit, and I'm still pushing forward with my plan. I guess I felt I had nothing to report. I've been dealing with a bunch of other non-weight-related challenges that we've been facing as a family lately.
Friday's appointments will be:
1) My last appointment with the Chiro for a while. This gives me mixed emotions. I'll be glad to save the money, but scared because he's done so much good for me and I'm afraid to lose that!
2) My annual appointment with my doctor - which always freaks me out anyhow - but was brought on by my insurance company's not-so-subtle reminder that I've reached my 1 year mark with the Weight Management program. Too many thoughts running through my head on this one to count - fear, anxiety, depression, sadness, happiness, joy, pride...the list goes on and on. That means I only have 1 more year of them helping me out and keeping me honest, which poses even more emotions. Add to all of this the fact that I've been having a constant, steady cramp around my left side for months now and I'm just full of emotions and no way to express them.
So that's where I am right now. Can't say that I'm all bummed out, because I'm not. Some things bring me immense joy - like my triumphs in running. Some things make me angry and sad and scared and nervous and anxious, but others make me happy and proud and overjoyed. So I guess, for now, I just am. Doing what I've set out to do. And I guess I didn't want to report -- "SSDD!" -- because that's really ALL it's been. Oh, and then there's the whole issue with our internet/phone going down for the past 5 days or so. Yeah, fun. :/
Anyhow, I'm still around - just hard to comment using my tiny little phone. Miss you all! Football season for the little one is almost over so that should give me more time for Spark, and I think our internet might be resetting today or tomorrow...
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