Friday, October 21, 2011
I think this is the first Friday in a LOOONG time when I didn't have a list of things to do a mile long.
1. Get blood work done - FINALLY!
2. Do my circuit training
3. HS football game tonight
That's it. It's liberating and also a little...odd. I've been trying to find ways to fill my time and I think I may have found a little something that might make this girl happy.
The running store in Charleston is nearly a year old and I have YET to make it over there. I've been saving up for the past 3 months, little by little, in order to be able to afford some new running shoes. The ones I bought at the Columbus running store...well, they suck. They squeeze my toes so hard that they go numb after 2 miles. It was fine before, no problem. But now that I'm running 3 miles straight (or at least trying) and running a lot more, it's been impossible to use them. (I honestly don't think the dude knew what he was doing and, I hate to say it, but I don't think he believed that I was a runner. Whatevs, dude!) So I reverted back to the old Nikes I bought online for 90 bucks. I had analyzed myself as having a somewhat normal gait and bought shoes accordingly. Of course, when all the hip trouble started I figured maybe I had analyzed wrong and that was my problem, hence the Columbus running store shoes. (That being said, the most the guy could say about my gait was that I might have a mild overpronation, so I don't think I was far off.)
My Nikes have served me well, but in recent months, as I've been running more and more, they've seen their fair share of road and are worse for the wear. About a month ago, the heel of the bottom sole part started peeling off. I ran anyway. And then, one fateful Friday about two weeks ago I wore them to my circuit training because I knew running was involved. (I also need to get some cross trainers for my non-running stuff.) By the end of that crazy workout, the right heel piece had broken off entirely. *sigh*
I *love* my Nikes. Truthfully, I may be a bit of a Nike brand whore. Can't help it though. With my high arches, Nikes have been the only brand that seem to support my arch fully without additional inserts, and I *love* that about them! I'm kinda sad to see them go (Yes, I've still been running in them, even with no bottom heel piece...I'm not a heel striking runner so it didn't much affect my running.) I'm a little afraid of switching brands because the last time I did that (Columbus running store), it didn't go so well.
That being said, Robert's Running Store in Charleston is sitting there, a few miles from my work, and I've never ventured in. First, I had to get over my self-doubt and my feelings of not belonging. When I was running tiny bits here and there and then got injured (again!) I thought, "I'm not a runner. I never will be. And all these people KNOW I'm not a runner. I cannot walk into a running store because then I'll just be a big fat faker. Funny thing is, this store is actually called "Robert's Running and Walking Shop." That made it easier for me to swallow. But, still, I didn't do it. Time got away from me. Or my emotions took a swing. Or, most recently, I just didn't have the cash. But now I finally have a reason to go.
1. I AM a runner.
Sure, I run slow. Sure, the most I can do is a 5k running. But, wait, did you hear that? Did I just say that? The most I can do is RUN A 5k?! A year ago I was finally able to WALK a 5k and felt such pride. I was running tiny bits of it when I could. And now? Now I fully know without a doubt that I could start running at the starting line and not stop until the finish line.
2. I've been saving up and have $200 in my "running shoes" savings account.
Even when I bought straight from the running store in Columbus we paid about $128. I think I could actually swing a pair now.
3. THEY ARE HAVING A SALE!!
*lol* Y'all know I'm "savings girl" and have a HARD time passing up a sale. My stockpile from couponing in the past 6 months or so is a dead giveaway. It's especially rare for me to find a sale on the thing I need when I need it AND can afford it, so when Robert's announced they're phasing out last year's shoes for this year's models and offering 50% off the old models. Well, this is the same girl that bought her $1400 laptop when she started school for $700 bucks (because, again, it was "last year's model"). What do I care what year they are, as long as they work?
Now, granted, I could walk in and none of the old stock is what I need. I could drive back down to Charleston and find myself SOL in terms of this sale. But, why pass up the opportunity, especially when I know I could buy a new model if I needed to.
So, yes. That's my plan for today. I've got my gym bag packed so when I get back to town I can get my circuit training in, and I've got the Nikes already packed for comparison/analysis. I'll also pack the crappy Columbus running store shoes. Who knows, maybe we can avoid the same problems if I explain things right.
They say to plan 30 minutes for your trip because they want to analyze your stride and fit you properly. Me? I got most of the day, so today is the best day possible for this. (Now I'm wondering...should I throw on my gym clothes now? Yeah, probably should in case they pop me on a treadmill or tell me to run around the parking lot. *lol* Even if they don't it'll just make me ready for the gym when I work out after.)
So, that's where I'm off to today. I'll let you know how it goes!
As far as yesterday?
1. I ate that mini cupcake. And 4 pieces of Chex cereal from the Chex mix.
2. I didn't eat again until I came home.
3. I decorated 3 cakes. It wasn't pretty. I was nervous and it's been way too long and I'm out of practice. I doubt there's a cake decorating job in my future unless, as Hubs told me later, they decide to hire me on my good looks (because, as he said, I was lookin' mighty beautiful yesterday.)
4. When I got home I had lasagna....and 2 donut holes...and a corn dog...and 1/2 a can of pop. *sigh* I need my schedule, dangit!! Of course, I'm still pretty happy I didn't go to get fast food after my "tryout" like I wanted to because that would've just been much worse!
5. I didn't get a workout in. I was exhausted after such a long day and had to wait nearly an HOUR for my tryout because the 60-year-old woman in front of me took forever! (Another reason I won't get this job...the other people probably have DECADES more experience!)
So, yeah. This morning, we're holding steady at 309.8, which I'm happy about. Now...off to get me some shiny new shoes so I can have another good reason to get back into running (I haven't run ALL WEEK and it's just about killing me! Foot feels much better today, though, so I think we'll take it easy on the circuit tonight (yeah, right!) and then do my 3-4 miles tomorrow.)
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Let's recap how my "angry" day went yesterday.
Morning Weigh-In: 305.8
Calories Consumed: 1868
Calories Burned: 0
Calorie Deficit: -723
Morning Weigh-In This Morning: 309.8
So, yeah. Surprisingly I'm happy to see the 309 because I think it's truer to my efforts recently and actually reflects the possibility of a good loss this week. I'd love to be under 310 by Sunday, so hopefully this keeps up. I get fluke days every now and again. The last once was weeks ago when I got a fluke of 303. Happens sometimes. Only good thing is, my "fluke" numbers used to be 308-309 area...and now those are the REAL numbers and the flukes have dropped lower. I can't wait until the day I "fluke" under 300 and giggle with glee! *lol*
As far as calories burned...I decided to take a rest day. It's what I had scheduled from SP and my foot/brain wasn't feeling much up to anything. So I went home, ate dinner with the family, practiced my icing roses for my "tryout" tonight and then got to bed a little early.
Now, as for the title of this blog. Today is yet another "snack day" at work. We used to have sit-down dinner type things, but lately we've just hosted snack days wherein people bring everything from donuts to cookies to cake to fried chicken, pasta salad, sandwich makings, etc. and then eat/graze ALL DAY. I was terrified of this day. Absolutely terrified!
So far this has been how it's gone.
I grabbed 4 donut holes, 3 small pieces of cheese, 3 pepperonis, 3 ritz crackers, 2 tbsp chicken salad, 3 small pieces of fried chicken, a turkey sandwich with mustard, a mini cupcake, a small slice of lasagna and a small slice of chicken enchiladas.
I ATE - 2 donut holes, 3 ritz crackers and 2 Tbsp. of chicken salad, a couple bites of fried chicken, a couple pieces of cheese, 3 pepperoni slices, a bite of lasagna, and about 3/4 of the chicken enchilada (which was surprisingly good!). Everything else is wrapped on my desk behind me ready to take home or allow me a tiny snack later.
(Ooh, I just remembered the 5 mini carrots and 4 pieces of broccoli, which I did eat and need to log too...not TOO worried about those though.)
So what could have been 1726 calories consumed AT LUNCH was closer to 500 calories. Now if I can just stay out of the stuff for the rest of the day I'll be good. (Though that little cupcake keeps beckoning me, so he might just be my snack later...though the donut holes sent me for a friggin' LOOP y'all. I was actin' crazy like for a while there. Crack donuts! *lol*)
As for working out tonight...no clue. I have that "tryout" after work and then I forgot my gym bag so I'll go straight home. I can either do my Zumba game, my DDR game, Kinect Adventures, Yoga DVD, 30 Day Shred, or go for a walk/run if the weather is right and it's not too dark. Or I could pile everyone in the car and go to the park for a bit...but it's a school night so there probably won't be much time for that either.
I swear sometimes I feel like it's day one and I have no clue what I'm doing. I know that's stupid. I haven't lost over 100 pounds since April 2010 with sheer dumb luck. It took work...and the rest will take more work. Still, some days I have those moments where I'm like "What's the point? Darned if I do, darned if I don't."
I wasn't this injured when I was bigger. I also couldn't move that well. I skip and run now (randomly...and certainly while crackin' it up on donut holes!! *lol*). I couldn't do that before. It may seem like the easy way out, but I just have to stick out the hard time because there has GOT to be an end in sight, right?! RIGHT?! Maybe it will come with the next year. Maybe finally I'll be able to forget what I've faced through this year and get back into my grove. Maybe I'll still be struggling. It's all up in the air, but I'm showing up, and I've always told people that even when you're not doing anything else right, if you at least show up then you've got the hardest part down. I hope I'm right!
Few things about comments yesterday:
1. I don't have problems working out (other than injuries now and again...but these injuries, I'm told, have been there but I'm starting to feel the effects because I'm trying to push myself beyond them). NONE of my doctors have said "slow down" or "stop." They say, "Listen to your body and rest when you need to and then try again. If it still hurts, change your tactic." But every last one of them encourages me to continue. Still, the drive is there, I just get frustrated with the lack of results.
2. I really wonder how much my depo has caused some of this. Not the foot/hip/knee thing, of course, but a lot of the other problems. It might be time to reevaluate with the good doctor because I should beyond the point of having ANY symptoms of that "special time" but I've had cramps for 2 weeks now, at least.
3. A LOT of this, yes, is stress enduced. I've had people I barely know hear me say, "I try to do too much sometimes" and they shout, loudly, like they've been wanting to say it for a while now but didn't know how to without hurting my feelings or something, "YES!" I know that. But I wasn't built for slacking. It's one reason I love my vacations, because I can escape that a little bit and have full days of stuff I LIKE to do instead of stuff I HAVE to do. (No, that's not right, I love vacations because I can get done my HAVE tos and still have time for the fun stuff because WORK is out of the equation...work takes up a LOT of time! A LOT!! I leave at 7am and don't get to the gym until 6:45pm if I go straight there. That's the biggest chunk of my day GONE!)
But sometimes life is all about doing what you HAVE to do.
I HAVE to work 10 hour shifts to save money on gas since I work an hour away from home.
I HAVE to work an hour away from home because there aren't any jobs where I live and moving is stupid since we now own where we live.
I HAVE to workout if I want to lose weight. I'm not the kind of girl who can sit at her desk and eat celery sticks for lunch. I like to have my cake and eat it too, so I have to work out to be able to do that and not get 400+ pounds again!
I HAVE to take care of my kids. DUH!
I HAVE to provide them a full life. I need to be there for sporting events and school events whenever possible because I don't want to miss those moments and they need my support and encouragement, now especially.
I HAVE to bolster my relationship with the Hubs because sometimes life gets hard and mundane and we forget that we love each other too, instead of thinking in terms of "trying to survive."
I HAVE to clean my house because no amount of bitching or whining has convinced my 3 boys that they should pitch in any more than they are. I do demand it of them, but if they don't come through, I have to pitch in and do it or it doesn't get done.
I HAVE to cook healthy meals, because Hubs knows these 3 staples -- Spaghetti, Chili and Slow Cooker Pot Roast. I try to cycle those into the meal plans but I'm the kind of person who cannot STAND to have the same thing every day of the week. HATE that! I love variety.
I HAVE to make sure the dog and cats are taken care of because they're like my second set of kids.
I HAVE to coupon, because our finances would have us sinking otherwise.
So, yeah, there are thing I HAVE to do. I HAVE to look for a second job right now too because we need extra cash for the things I want to be able to do in life (like buy a HOUSE and pay off the car). Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean I don't LIKE doing them.
I LIKE spending time with my kids.
I LIKE the satisfaction I get from a hard day's work.
I LIKE the feeling I get when I look around and realize I've cleaned everything and it's pretty and great.
I LIKE couponing because the only thing that tastes better than a candy bar is a FREE candy bar! (*lol* Joke around our house...)
I LIKE my kids, my husband, my pets and I like taking care of them.
Of course, I could do without having to do the BULK of cleaning, but I'm still working on that. Hard to enforce rules when I'm just not home much.
So, this life is hard sometimes, yes...but this is the life I have chosen. And I choose to try every day to make it better - better job, healthier eating habits, fitter and smaller body, more financially secure, etc.
I have to remember that these are choices as well as HAVE TO's.
Now, the question is...will I CHOOSE to eat that cupcake....
....we shall see.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
[DISCLAIMER: I don't suggest even reading this blog. It's crap. I know that. It's my messed up head taking over and being angry and letting it fly because I have no where else to put it. Because all Hubs can say is that I just have to keep working at it and it will work...and that's all anyone says. And a year of waiting for me...well, I could think of at least 20 things right now that I'd rather be doing than waiting on this to happen again...and they aren't exactly pretty. So, for the sake of yourself...just ignore this blog and see if I change my attitude later and delete it and/or post something else.]
Frustrated. That's exactly what I am today. I went to Zumba last night babying an already hurt left foot. It's been hurting for a long time and the pain increases/decreases off and on. Right now it has decided it's going to hurt...a LOT. But I went to Zumba anyhow because I'm struggling between the part of me that wants to take care of my body and the part of me that just simply hates every part of me right now. Yes, I'm in a very negative space right now. I could pretend I'm not but what good would that do? "Fake it 'till you make it" has not been helping, so now it's "cry and whine until you get it out of your system." (I usually try to shield y'all from this crap as much as I can, but I need this venting space. Spark is supposed to help, right!? Blogging/journaling is supposed to help. So here I am, crying and whining it out of me (I hope!).)
So I went to Zumba anyhow. I told myself I could modify whatever I needed to. Line dancing instructor says to me, "You've gotta watch out for your knee, right?!" "Oh, no," I say. "It's my foot right now that I have to be careful of." He tells me to take it easy and I *honestly* try to. Sometimes, though, in the moment, the movement doesn't actually hurt. Jumping up and down felt fine. Absolutely fine. Two songs later and I finally feel it. Stupid! Not only that but for some reason my knee decided to give me trouble (I blamed it on LD instructor and told him he jinxed me) and popped out nearly once in each of the first 4 songs. *sigh* Add to that the hurt in my hip and there was a moment about 40 minutes in where I had to actually excuse myself and go sit down and stretch out my leg.
I limped home, exhausted and angry. I hate feeling this way.
Yesterday I went back through my old blogs, trying to find some pearls of wisdom to get me through this time, trying to see how close I was to making my 2011 goals and see if there was anything I could do in the final months to make that happen (there isn't much I can do, really). What I realized is that I, or someone in my family, has been ill pretty much all of 2011. I'm either traveling or sick, or traveling while sick. I started the year with a monster ear infection, which I took with me to Vegas. Between sinus infections, the ear infection, adjusting to Depo (I'm seriously starting to wonder how much this is screwing with me), then the back pain, the hip/pelvic pain, and now the foot pain. Plus there were two days a few weeks ago when I spent 2 days completely out of my mind. I still have no clue what that was! 2011 has been the year of illness and aches and pain and just plain rebellion from my body.
Am I pushing too hard? I don't think so. I work out my own training programs that include things I can do, do increases very slowly (it took me 2 months to get to 2 miles running), and I take rests when I need to. I reevaluate all the time according to how my body feels. I've taken whole weeks off to accommodate the pain and illness. And then I've gotten right back up on the horse and got back to it.
I have no answers. I'm just sad about it. And today I'm struggling with whether I push through or rest...and I do NOT have an answer for you as to what I'm going to do. Resting would be easy ...but would it be wimping out? Of course, working out through the pain could cause injury ...but how is that any different from the whole of 2011? Avoid pain - lose nothing. Push through pain - limp my way through and maybe lose a pound or two.
What can I say? I have more questions than answers and I will feel guilty no matter what I choose to do.
Guilt. Another thing I feel a lot. Guilt from the time I steal from my boys. Guilt from the way my body feels. Guilt when I miss a workout. Guilt when I push too hard. Guilt when I don't push hard enough. The guilt is overwhelming.
Guilt, and jealousy. I will tell you right now that I cannot watch Biggest Loser anymore. I hate those people! (Okay, I don't "hate" them, but that's the word that feels the most vicious right now to fit my mood.) I "hate" people with personal trainers. I "hate" people who complain about working out when their bodies are fully capable of it and they don't get injured by trying. I "hate" people who are skinny as heck and stand behind me in class looking fabulous and don't seem to have a drop of sweat on them while I'm breathing like I just pushed a Ford truck up a muddy hill. I hate my body and the way it's been acting lately. I hate myself for hating everything.
See, I'm not handling this very well. I announced again last night to Hubs after going over my calorie goals (I was SO friggin' HUNGRY last night!!) that I was quitting. Again. And this morning I logged in to log my calories again. Oh, and to make matters worse. After two days of insanity as far as the numbers go, and the pain and the crying...so much stupid crying...I woke up this morning and went from 312 yesterday to 305.8 today. Either the scale is broken or I am. (and for those about to tell me not to weigh-in every day, I'm trying to get some gauge as to how my body works using a spreadsheet I have. I'm trying to figure out how to make this work again because...either it's broken or I am. That requires a daily tally of calories eaten-calories burned- and weight each day.)
Where am I going with this? Oh, nowhere really. Last night I got all angry at myself and told myself to stop whining and that the real problem is that I'm not trying hard enough. So this morning I've spent figuring out how to get a 1750 calorie deficit (1/2 a pound) each day. I don't think it will work, but I want to use myself as an experiment, because if I can't go back to doing what I was doing and lose weight...if I'm stuck here stalling, I may as well be doing SOMETHING with my time. So far I've determined that if I can burn 756 calories in a day, I can eat 1600. If, however, I only burn 356 in a day, then I need to only eat 1200 calories. And that's every single day working out that much. And I don't think my body can take that. And I'm not going under 1200 calories because I think even THAT is too low for my body. (I've had periods of time where I tried this and I actually gained weight all bloated and stuff. Sucked.)
But, still, I hear the woman at the gym in my head saying, "If you want to lose more, we can up how much you workout and lower your calories." I want to kill that voice in my head. I'm struggling already and she wants to make it harder. But after the past few weeks (and the final realization of the 20 pounds per year loss I've had in 2011), I want to be extreme. I want to take every bit of stupid advice I've heard so far and every crazy thing I see other people doing (and it totally works for them)...everything I've dismissed as crazy extreme and I want to try it. Either I'll come out the other side saying, "See! I told you this doesn't work for me!" or I'll come out the other side with success, and both of those options sound better than what I've got right now.
Try to eat right. Fail.
Try to exercise. Get hurt.
Try to rest. Feel guilty and gain weight immediately.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Yesterday was awful. I was tired and worn down. I nearly fell asleep at my desk four times. Going to the gym was a joke to me. How, when it was taking every bit of my energy to stay awake on the drive home? I started tallying up all the aches and pains and woes of my body and the running count left me bypassing the gym and heading for the comforting faces and arms of my boys instead. Last night, I finally added up the damage of overeating and no exercise for the day and had my first ever positive net calorie day in a month. And I felt pathetic and lost because I knew what was coming today on the scale. 309.6 up to 312 this morning. I knew it was coming. I knew what I'd done. After realizing that I was 1k calories over my daily goal, and with no calories burned to make up for it, I firmly announced to my husband before I stomped off to bed. "That's it. I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I can't fight for something that will never happen. I won't be under 300...ever. And I will never see the other side of 200 for sure. I had a good run, but I'm done now."
I didn't cry myself to sleep like always. I was done crying over it. It was what it was. I had done a lot in my life I could be proud of, and I could be proud of losing over 150 pounds as well. I didn't have to be THE success story to be a success story. I needed to just be okay with being me and be good with that, whatever shape it took. Hell, even Oprah gained a bunch of her weight back! Nobody sees her as less wise or ambitious or successful just because she couldn't maintain the weight she starved herself to get to. So I simply went to bed, knowing I'd simply keep up my good habits and hope that I didn't gain any more back. Maybe one day I'd get back to the fight. Maybe not. But I had a good run and I was ready to say goodbye.
Then I got this this morning in my email box at work. Hubs wrote it last night after my little speech when I was resigning myself to quitting and (FINALLY!) going to sleep...
I believe in you.
When you are closest to giving up, success is nearby.
Even if success does not come soon after, even through you may go to sleep with tears, that part of you that does not feel bodily pain or fatigue can rest peacefully knowing that you are resolute in your endeavor.
Defeat is worst dealt by your own hand.
Know this. I believe in you, as I know you.
Okay, so I don't think it's fair for him to make me cry at work. Especially when my makeup job today looks friggin' awesome! *lol* "Defeat is worst dealt by your own hand." So true! I say all the time that the world could try to break me, that it could push me back down in the mud, but that I could be happy knowing that I fought back at every moment. The attempt at success was a success in itself, whether or not I succeeded at my goals. So how could I turn my back on that and just give in to the world and its noise?
You all know I've had a rough go of it lately. I fight for every few pounds I get, regain them, and fight again. As I told Hubs, I know my problem (as always) is with consistency and balance. I get angry, get defiant, fight back and go hard for a couple weeks, and then I get burnt out and worn down and I stumble again. I take 3 steps forward, 2 steps back and have been for the whole of 2011.
I wondered this morning what my end of 2011 blog would look like. The first thought was a blog about how much this year has sucked for me. And then I stopped myself, held my finger up and said, "No. This year has sucked in terms of weightloss, but that is not all you are and that is not all there is."
This year I came closer than ever to discovering who I am, what I want, and what my true soul thursts for. I took trips I never imagined I'd have an opportunity to take. Hell, I went from 30 years of no Vegas to going twice in the same year! I faced my fears and ran in front of my entire town! I struggled in Utah and then somehow found the courage to recognize that what was in front of me was old habits being forced upon me and I chose to stand up for myself. More than ever, 2011 was the year I finally stood up for myself and said, "THIS is what I want. You can either come with me or I'll go alone but, either way, I'm going!"
From a child that was beat for breathing (no, I'm not exaggerating) and never knew what to say that was right, to a girl that didn't care if what she said was right, to a woman that attempts to balance her own feelings with those of others but never allows herself to be fully compromised on the issues that really matter. By golly, George, I think she's growing up.
So what if I've lost only 20 pounds this year? I've been told by so many people how much I inspire them, how proud they are of me, and it really does mean a lot to me to hear. But more than ever, I finally felt proud of myself for once. Not because I started losing weight again, but because I never gave up.
So, once again, I'm not giving up. I don't know where I'll go from here. Well, I know as far as this -- I'm once again going to shoot for 1600 calories, 8+ glasses of water, and at least 30 minutes of working out. That's as far as I know. And that's okay for now because it means I haven't given up...not really. The scale is fickle, but if I resolve myself not to be, maybe, just maybe I'll beat him. Or maybe not.
I thought my goal was as simple as I could make it. 298 by December 31st. But every day I cry and rant and fuss over that stupid number. Instead, I'm just going to let it be. I'll get there...I hope. I honestly don't know if I will. Because I can only control so much. And what I can control, sometimes I'm not so great at maintaining control. I have days of hitting all my goals, and then I fall off for a day or two, and then I'm right back on again. And that translates to a perfect yo-yo on the scale. You think I would've learned by now, right?!
The woman at the gym who is meant to help me out keeps asking to see my numbers. She says she can help me...get me back on track. I've resisted basically because I know exactly what I'm doing wrong. I have the numbers, I see the numbers, I know what the numbers should be and I know how often I hit them and how often I don't. I have about a 65% success rate with my goals...which has led to a VERY slow rate of weight loss. I know WHAT to do, and I know what she'll tell me to do. Problem is, she can't REALLY help me. She can't remind me that when others are eating it doesn't mean I have to as well. She can't be there in my moments of weakness and self-doubt when I give in and basically ruin the day. She can't be there at night when I feel weak. She can't drive me to the gym when I don't want to go. She can't talk me out of my aches and pains and onto the treadmill. She can't do these things because these are all the things *I* control. She can't fix that...I have to.
And...and I have to be okay with knowing that I won't always be able to fix them. That part of my nature is to be a little off every now and again. I need to learn how to work around that instead of having it fight against me. I need to find alternatives and backup plans like I've always had.
I know what I need to do. I just need to do it.
And, you know what? I'm going to say something else we're not supposed to say. I've been doing this for me for a while now. Problem is, I don't have much faith or self-worth flowing through me right now. I've fought so many battles for myself this year that I'm worn down. It's tough sticking up for yourself when you've spent 30 years figuring out how to be the perfect doormat! So, at least for a little while, I'm doing this for him.
"Know this. I believe in you, as I know you." Yep...for right now, I'm doing this for him. Because sometimes he IS there when I give in to temptation. And he knows when to remind me and then to back off when I don't listen. And I need to start listening more. He can't do it for me, but he can sure as heck help me! And I have to learn to accept that help...to accept all the help that's been offered to me. "No man is an island," right?! Until I can learn to believe in me, I'm going to have to let him do it for me...and I'm going to have to use that to fuel my day. I don't have to be perfect...I just have to keep trying.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
So, yeah...things have been crazy.
Ethan's football team is wrapping up their regular season. That means it's on to the quarter finals (and then maybe semi-finals and championships). We've...okay *I've* been pushing Ethan to give it everything he has. I have to say (and I don't want this to come off cocky, but here goes anyhow), it's nice to be able to use myself as an example of pushing through and becoming better every time you go out there.
Work has been crazy as well. I was informed last week that I would be taking on a major important case so I've been working my butt off like crazy on that. When I'm done with it, I've been informed I'll be taking on about 5 more cases in the hopes of finishing the investigations on them and completing them before the end of the year (if possible). Add to that the information I was given that I would be moving into a different office and, therefore, required in one day to pack up all my belongings and drag them across the office to the other end, and then on Tuesday until today (still not fully settled in, actually, but as best I can without wanting to shoot myself for having to live out of boxes), unpacking while focusing on this huge case. So, yeah, I've been crazy, stupid busy at work. (The good thing is that my office is probably 4 times the size of my old cubicle and it feels so much more grown up to be in here. Sorry, I guess us "grown ups" should say, "It feels much more professional" or something like that. ;)
As for my running? I've been doing it as often as I can. Last night I knew I was obligated to Ethan to take him to football practice. Problem was, I didn't know when I'd have time to work out. To solve the problem of only one me, I took him to football practice, then ran over to McDonald's and changed into my running gear, and then went for a run while practice started. I have to say, it was nice to have a bit of a change of scenery for once! When I was done with my run, I came back and watched the rest of practice. That being said, I missed my run on Monday. I was off that day, so I had an ENTIRE day to do it and I still didn't. Of course, I can't really fault myself considering I spent the better part of 4 hours cleaning and scrubbing my house like a mad woman. (Either way, calories were burned, baby!) Saturday I'm scheduled to do 4 miles. 1/4 mile walk warm-up, 3.5 miles running, 1/4 mile cool-down. I'm hoping I can get through it as last week's run was uber difficult with the foot pain (still lingering but I can't really do much about it...doesn't seem serious and has come/go for months) and now I'm having a bit of hip pain again. I'll play it by ear - I want to push myself, but I don't want to push myself over the edge and get seriously injured.
ST has been pretty non-existent lately. Of course, you could count the fact that I've been moving heavy boxes and cleaning and scrubbing and taking apart cubicle walls for the better part of a week, but I don't count that really. Last ST was during Friday's circuit training, which I hope to repeat again tomorrow. Still, I'm trying not to harp on myself too much over it because I've done something, even if it's just yoga on my "off" days every day since last Friday. I'm thinking starting a streak would be a great idea, so I'm marking my little calendar with stars every single day in October that I exercise. You don't know how much I want that thing basically full (other than the 2 days I missed last week. *sigh*).
Yoga's coming back into my routine. Much of my stretches from both the Chiro and the Physical Therapist involve variations of Yoga moves, so I figure it can't hurt to keep that balanced in. Stretching, I think, is going to be extremely important in maintaining both my running form and the form my PT and Chiro gave me through therapy. As Hubs would say, "If you don't use it, you lose it." So doing more yoga. I'm thinking of pulling it in on especially difficult days like today. My body is screaming for a rest day, but I still want my little star sticker, so as a compromise, I do 15-30 minutes of Yoga a day (even splitting it up into 10 or 15 minute increments) and then I get my sticker and my body gets stretching and some much needed rest from the more high-impact stuff I like to do so much.
Oh, yes. Food. I've been pretty consistent with packing my lunch lately. Today Ethan made me a sandwich and I'm having some Green Giant broccoli and cheese with it. Although I used to hate the idea of processed foods during my "healthy lifestyle" I'm realizing more and more that I have to give in on some things. I need the convenience of some prepared foods because I'm stretched too thin and burn out otherwise. I'll cook and eat homemade leftovers when I can, but when I'm in a bind, I'd much rather make myself a sandwich and have an apple and some frozen veggies for lunch than to order some fast food and feel guilty and icky all day. As for dinners...some days are better than others. Trying to make sure to stick to my calorie goals, but I'm not always meeting them the way I want to. Still, I just forgive myself and try again as soon as possible, questioning only what my reasoning was for overeating. This is a life lesson, y'all. I will never stop learning.
I haven't taken measurements lately, but I can say that I'm noticing some difference in how my lower body is shaping up. With the first 100 pounds, my upper body started to look more pleasing to me, but when I looked down I got sad again. Now, no doubt in large part to the running, my lower body is starting to make some notion like it's going to start the catch-up game. That would please me to no end because I've been in between sizes for so long and have wanted to punch someone because of it. So, I'll keep running and hope that these changes just keep happening (legs smaller, hips shrinking, tummy even looks like it's rising to it's proper place).
As for this guy? Yeah, it hates me...and I don't like it much right now either. Today I weighed in at 310.8. I was up on Sunday and changed my ticker accordingly. I used to think "I gained weight, I don't deserve the congrats when I lose it again the next week." But now I think, "Yep, I messed up, but I deserve every amount of congrats for Spark for pulling myself back on track!" I'll be honest with my ticker every single Sunday, good or bad. And I'll be honest with myself that it will come off when it's good and ready and when I'M good and ready to be consistent with my efforts. I can't blame anyone but myself for my missteps, and blaming doesn't really do all that much to help the situation. Instead, I'm reevaluating and moving on with a better outlook on the future. I may stumble, but I'll keep going.
So that's it basically. I'm still plugging away. Living a lot of it in my head right now. Trying not to seek out praise or consolation from others and trying to give it to myself when I need it. Trying to be honest with myself and help myself along the way. Yes, I did what I did so far because Spark was such an important part of keeping my focused (and the tools still are!), but one of these days it's going to be so extremely important for me to find within myself the power and drive to continue. I have GOT to stop competing with all of you and start competing with myself!
I read something the other day in a Runner's Magazine about running uphill and it struck me then. It said that you shouldn't push harder going uphill because you're just going to expend all that energy and have to slow down on the downhill more than you normally would. It said, "Focus on even effort, not even pace." It hit me then. Even Effort, Not Even Pace. Yes, I have amazing friends on here competing in triathlons and marathons and I admire them so much for it, but in the past I'd feel this twinge of guilt and jealousy that I wasn't where they were in my journey. I cannot run a marathon right now. Plain and simple impossible. I don't even know if I could WALK a marathon right now. What I do know, however, is that I put in the same amount of effort in my weekly runs that they do when they're training for their marathons. EVEN EFFORT, NOT EVEN PACE. I put in even effort maintaining a consistent 14-15 minute mile pace throughout the course of 1-2-or even 3 now! miles as they do running 9-10 minute mile pace for 20 miles. If you put us next to each other after our runs, we'd look like we'd both raced the same amount.
My thought process throughout this made me realize how much I compete with all of my wonderful friends on Spark. I'm competitive by nature, so it shouldn't be that surprising, but I had to question where that need came from to be as good or better. I realized that I didn't feel worthy of praise because my pace wasn't with theirs. I couldn't hear anything else from friends, family, etc. I wasn't good enough because they were "better." Yeah, I know...this is me, working on me.
Yeah, so that's where I've been lately. Please know that me withdrawing into myself is not because of anything any of you have done. Please know I think of you often on my runs and in life and talk about you to my husband so much I think he's going to shoot me when his eye rolling stops doing it for him. ;) And know that sometimes I'm still there, lurking. And know that, for those of you I know a little more personally who have my phone number, you are always welcome to use it. I'm a shy person by nature at first (yes, I know you don't believe that) but I always appreciate the support and love and consideration and will try to give it back in kind.
Okay, off to work some more on me (and this big case! EEP!).
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