Wednesday, August 24, 2011
So between the stress of recent weeks, the chiro appointments that are adjusting problems I had gotten used to, and getting my butt back to the gym and into shape again, well, I'm sore...all over sore. Yesterday I hit failure on the 3rd set of incline dumbbell presses...on the first rep...and nearly hit myself in the face with a 20lb. dumbbell. Oops! So, how am I handling the sore? I'm fighting against it.
Now I know logic says that I should rest, take a break, ease up. Okay, so that's just what my inner quitter is saying right now. But I know several things:
1) Getting back at it when you've been gone for a while feels like this. I'm pushing my body again, and that's a good thing. The sore is not so much so that I can't walk and/or otherwise function.
2) The soreness is not just from my workouts. A good majority of it is from 2 visits so far this week with the chiro, the last of which hurt A LOT!
3) CuteChiro told me NOT to stop working out. Here's his thinking - if I stop, we'll get the adjustment done faster, but as soon as I go back to it WHAM! It'll go out again. If, however, I push through, it will take us longer to get the adjustment, but it's more likely that the adjustment will stay longer. So the theory is to tell myself during this adjustment period, "This is what I'm expecting of you." That way there aren't any surprises for it later...at least not a lot and at least not intentionally.
4) Superheroes don't just give up because the enemy landed a good hit. They don't say, "Okay, UNCLE! I give up. You got me!" and walk away sore. They walk away completed victorious or not at all. They put their all into it. And while I'm not really willing to die for my sport, I am willing to take on a little soreness to get me where I need to be.
It'll get easier. Well, not really...I'll just get better at it. ;)
So while I mentally want to call off the exercise wagon tonight, tell 'em not to worry about stopping by to pick me up and I'll see 'em all tomorrow...I just can't do that. Tonight's workout is pretty simple. No ST, just 20 minutes on the bike. Part of me thought I could just read my book while on the bike, but I can't do that either. When I'm there to workout, I need to be there 100% - mentally and physically. It's the only way this works for me. I need to check-in completely, even if I'm only there for an easy workout that doesn't cause the sweat to pour in buckets. Being there will make my muscles respond more effectively and will lead to better results.
So, unless something goes major wrong at the Chiro's tonight, I'll be at the gym tonight warming the bike seat and making my legs move. Just TWENTY minutes. That is all I need. Just 20 minutes. I can do that - sore and all.
And then ...that dang Jambalaya that has been taunting me all week. I got home last night ready to get it made and then realized I was out of rice. Sorry, I just don't eat my jambalaya without brown rice...no way, no how.
Plan for the day:
Fight the sore.
Accept the pain as weakness leaving the body.
Know that adjustments take time, but they are worth it in the end (at least that's what I'm told).
Get another stressful client interview out of the way.
Work until 4:30pm and then head to see my friend, CC. :)
Then the gym, Kroger (for rice), and home to put the Jambalaya on.
OR, and more likely - CC, Kroger (for rice), home (to put jambalaya on), and then gym while it cooks.
Did you know I realized yesterday that I haven't been this consistent in MONTHS!? Crazy, right?! And I'm only 2 days in - both days I drank all my water, ate within my ranges, and followed my workout plan with cardio and ST. I'm not letting a hump day take that from me!
Monday, August 22, 2011
...and I spoiled myself ROTTEN today with bad@ssery...and boy did it feel good to feel that way again!
Woke up late. Oops! I'd been trying to get up early lately, but today, I rolled out of bed in a tizzy at 6:40 am. Knowing Logan had to be at the bus garage by 6:55, I hurried to his room and whipped him up and at 'em while I put on whatever clothes I could find. (I wasn't getting out of the car to see anyone so really I could've gone in my nightgown besides the fact that I live on the man road and would've been "caught" as soon as I got out the door.) Got Logan there 3 minutes before the bus left and hurried back home to get the other boy off.
Ethan was easier. He was outside waiting for the bus at least 10 minutes before it was due to arrive, singing and just having a generally fantastic morning. *lol*
So as I was prowling SP, I was trying to convince myself to get outside and go for an early morning run. That had been my plan all along, you know...I couldn't get to work early because the Chiropractor (who I am now calling CC - Cute Chiro) who saw me Friday wanted me back in his office Monday morning (more on that later). So since I had some time to myself in the morning, and because I knew Monday was leg ST night (which had me basically unable to walk two days after I did it last time) I figured it'd be nice to get in an easy morning run. But as I faced the morning, staring at the computer, fighting off the urge to sleep, I found myself fighting against the plan...again.
I eventually went back to bed. I told myself I would lay there for 10 minutes and make my decision. I didn't turn the alarm on because I wanted to force myself to get up after those 10 minutes and make the conscious decision to either do the run or get some sleep. I was going to face my inner villain head on, I wasn't going to let myself ignore it...
I told myself that a workout would wake me up, while more sleep would likely make me more tired. I told myself that it'd be nice to write a report here of "I did it" instead of "I slept in" and even though I wasn't doing it for you, I could feed on that pride and accomplishment the rest of the day. And then 8 minutes later, I pulled myself out of the comfort of bed, pulled on my running clothes and hit the road. I wanted to run a mile with a 1/4 mile warm up and 1/4 mile cool down. Unfortunately I was nearly to my running goal when my knee popped. I tried to continue on but I could tell I was babying the knee and after talking to the chiropractor, I felt it best to walk the rest of the way. 1.58 miles and 25:45 later I was back at home (having to potty AGAIN...darn those morning runs!) and hungry as all get out!
I showered, dressed, and headed off to the chiropractor. While it went well Friday and I felt better after, I didn't have the same experience this morning. It hurt. I was still sore and it hurt. He showed me my x-rays and I now know why I always felt like I had one leg shorter than the other and why when I watched my finishing tape from the Get Lucky 7k I was limp-running. Turns out my pelvis is askew in a rather major way. CC says that he usually sees millimeters off, but I'm in the half inches range. You can actually see the slant in the x-rays and it made me both want to cry and rejoice. Rejoice over what I have endured. Rejoice in my determination and follow-through even when my body was so messed up. Rejoice in finally having some answers. And then I wanted to cry, because it's so messed up and I hate knowing things are wrong with me. I wanted to cry because he admitted I might need semi-regular adjustments. Cry because it felt good to finally have validation of my constant pain.
In addition to the pelvic problems, I also have horrible positioning in my neck. Your neck is supposed to be curved and mine is straight. This is why I've been having headaches because it's pinching the nerves in my neck. And then, the best news of all (sarcasm here), he discovered that one of my ligaments in my neck have calcified. *sigh* CC doesn't know why and this isn't reversible. That means headaches could be a forever thing as well. We're hoping I can correct it with my posture but...we shall see.
So, I was in pain when I left after the adjustments...with a ton of appointments already made until October 7th. *sigh* I go back Wednesday for another adjustment and I just hope to God it doesn't hurt as bad this next time. He said the soreness should fade, which is good because I feel alright tonight but I was actually comparing the pain on Friday to the pain after giving birth to my first son (brutal...I'll spare you the details). It wasn't just the back pain, but also the DOMS issues and not being able to even walk really after that killer leg workout. So, yeah, hoping Wednesday is better.
So I got to work, dealt a little better with my 2 clients that are being PITAes, and got a few laughs out of some attempts to lie by people who thought I wouldn't know any better. I did nearly fall asleep once, but I pulled myself out of it. I drank my water, ate some chicken breast and a baked potato for lunch, and then had my Luna bar around 5:30pm. I cannot tell you how much I forgot that fueling before a workout makes the workout go easier.
2 sets of 15 jump squats felt easier this time.
Plie dumbbells were challenging, but not overly painful
Dumbbell lunges still hurt, but the weight lifting gloves at least ease the hand pain
Narrow Stance leg press? Yeah, I got up to 300 pounds now! I knew that would come back!
I skipped the stiff-legged dumbbell deadlifts because of my talk with CC - don't trust my form
Lying Leg Curls were rockin, but I was starting to feel it
And the standing calf raises were easier with some stretching in between (DUH!)
40 minutes later and I felt strong and my legs were sore and I stretched out before heading home.
Oh, but not before stopping off at the grocery store, because we needed an onion for the Jambalaya I need to put in the crockpot. While there, I found a deal on veggies that would expire tonight and some green Asian spinach-type stuff that said it'd be great in stir fry dishes. I knew I had ground chicken that needed to be used today, but I didn't know how well that would work out...but I had to try.
Veggie stir fry mix (green/red pepper and onion)
A little fish sauce and sesame oil
Some of the Asian spinach stuffs
Some vermicelli rice noodles and pad thai sauce
and my superheroine talents made an amazing dinner that was HUGE and wonderful dish that was 350 calories and only 6 grams of fat. *smiles*
And, because I am counting, that's 2 nights in a row that I've made dinner at home after so long not cooking at home for weeks!
So, I AM the victor...and what are the spoils??
I made myself do that run and it ran my whole day. I checked things off my to do list with confidence and accomplishment.
Semi-Homemade Pad Thai Stir Fry
Because Ethan proclaims that he HATES healthy food (read: onions, mushrooms), there is a whole other serving of my pad thai left...which is exciting. Not only is it amazingly good, but it's filling as well!
Yep, that is what I bought for dessert. Yes, I did have 2 mini Hershey bars today. *blushes* But I'm happy and full and the grapes topped off a great night!
*lol* I'm hoping it won't be as bad this time as it was last time with muscle memory and all kicking in.
And a solid foundation for tomorrow. When I doubt myself, I can simply remind myself that I did it today, I can do it again. Be victorious this week, y'all! Remind yourself that you can and it'll kick that villain right out of your head. Phew! Forgot how good it feels to go to bed this proud of myself! *big grin*
Friday, August 19, 2011
Yes, I am a superhero. And, yes, I can do it all on my own. But that doesn't mean it feels good to get bashed over the head repeatedly! Superheroes need love too! What would Superman be without Lois Lane? Gotta have something to fight for that is outside ones self.
Yesterday I got yelled at for over an hour by a client who was sure I was "out to get her" in some way. I explained to her that I don't have the authority she was trying to accuse me of, but she wasn't listening. Over an hour on the phone and from beginning to end I thought I had managed to calm her down. I felt good about it. I felt I had done a great job of fighting the irrationalities of what she was saying and making her see the truth. She decided to stop by my office later, though, and decided to tell everyone there how mean and evil of a person I was. *face palm* Geez, woman. I TOLD you I'm not trying to make your life hell, I'm just trying to do my job here! So I spent the next hour in the conference room trying to calm her down again. Another coworker stepped in at some point, trying to diffuse the situation, and he too could see that she wasn't listening AT ALL. She had these irrational fears and she was standing by them. And when she left, she patted him on the back and said again that I was a horrible person. *sigh* Love that that's what I get for my efforts. I tried not to let it get to me, but I felt like I'd been in the worst fight of my life and it turned out a draw. Until next time, arch nemesis!
And in between the phone call and her visit, I had another client writing me letters, avoiding answering questions that she knew I both needed the answers to and she was able to provide. She's been avoiding answering these for a couple months now and I'm getting frustrated with her evasive maneuvers. Stand up and fight me like a woman...because I'll win this fight! Vented a bit, and then cooled off and tried again to tell her that I did, in fact, have the authority to get the information from her.
Funny how all my fights yesterday were about my authority and how far it extended.
So, yes, after a day of being raked over the coals, I was exhausted both physically and mentally. DOMS had set in from the crazy routine I did the night before and I could barely walk. Instead of Zumba, I picked up the boys and we went out to enjoy a night together. I did pretty well at dinner (hadn't eaten much all day anyhow) and then we went home so I could fill out the homework assigned to every parent on the first day of school. 20 pages later, I was exhausted and hit the bed HARD!
This morning, my legs are still very sore, but my mind is settled. I did the best I could. I handled the situation the best way I knew how. Irrational people are never going to be made into rational people, you just have to fight against the irrational nature as much as possible and hope it comes out in your favor. And if it doesn't, you have to remember that you did your job to the best of your ability and there was no more you could've done.
The plan for the day is simple.
1) Take shower. *lol* I'm actually looking forward to it this morning. Need to wash off any remnants from yesterday.
2) Head to the chiropractor. Have a 9:15am appointment, though they want me there at 9:00am. I'm scared out of my mind...just my irrational fears coming to light. (Do fat people go to chiropractors or is it just for skinny people?) I'm hopeful, though, that this might be just what I need to get my back to where it is supposed to be again. My tailbone still hurts all the time, hip pain from time to time, pinching in my shoulder area, and then last night another wonderful headache. Hubs is going with me. His parents used to work for a chiropractor and I mentioned that I really wish he could be there to settle my nerves.
3) Drop a check off at the bank. Much more fun than paying bills.
4) Hit the gym at some point. Going to stick to upper body ST and some cardio. I'm thinking I'll do a cardio circuit or hit the bike. I really want to get the bike worked into my routine somehow. Hate the thing, but I know it works.
5) Football practice for Ethan later. I can't wait to see him play again. He's so much better this year and that makes Football Momma proud!
6) Plan meals for the week and maybe get some cooking in today. Thinking Stuffed Eggplant for dinner.
So that's it. Just have to remember to drink my water, eat healthy, and take care of my body. Gotta get that workout in because skipping 2 days in a row is not an excuse anymore. Here's to this superheroine picking herself up out of the ashes, dusting herself off, shining her boots and getting to steppin' again. There's a life to save (my own) and slacking on the job is not in my job description!
Thursday, August 18, 2011
See, I did something a little silly. In an effort yesterday to find some sort of ST routine to follow so I wouldn't give up/get lost and waste my time, right before leaving work I pulled up the bodybuilding.com website and clicked on a 12-week program for muscle building. That wasn't the stupid part (and I'm actually quite happy to be clicking on muscle building instead of fat burning...I want to feel like I'm building something, not tearing something apart right now...the fat loss will come with the muscle building, I'm sure of it!). I pulled up the first day's routine and decided THAT was what I was doing. No excuses, I would do it - all of it. That wasn't the stupid part either. The stupid part, because I know you were hoping I'd get to it eventually, was not realizing that it was a Leg workout...on the same day I wanted to get a run in. OOPS! *lol*
Whatever, no excuses right? I had already started my day with some ST in the form of:
15 regular pushup
15 lunges on each leg
15 bicep curls on each arm
15 twist crunches
So, I get to the gym, change into my superheroine clothes, and get started.
First 15 freehand squat jumps to get me warmed up. Let me tell you, I've seen these things on the P90x program and I always thought "No effin' way, dude!" But I did them. All 2 sets of 15. And it felt crazy stupid powerful to conquer something right off the bat that I would've never done a year ago. So, I followed that with some more crazy stunts.
3 sets of 15 Plie Dumbbell Squats (weights: 15/25/35)
Not bad! The first time I've ever held a 35 pound dumbbell. I can't curl the things yet, but I can at least hold them and use them for my leg routines!
3 sets of 12-15 Narrow Stance Leg Press (weights: 270/290/290)
OMG, that hurt! I could feel the muscle on the inside of my left leg screaming at me already. I used to be able to leg press my weight..it's good to know I'm not that far from there still, though this was quite the struggle! (And I must say that this does not factor into play the actual weight of the plate of the machine, because I can't get a clear answer on how much it weighs. Now that I think of it, I may have been factoring that in before. Estimates range from 50 pounds - 200. I think they put it in the 200 range when they were walking me through the gym on day one but I'm not really sure about that. Either way, I realize now how bad@ss that was because my weight marks only count the weight I ADDED to the machine.)
3 sets of 12-15 Dumbbell Lunge (weights: 20/25/25)
Okay, now I was just getting cocky, and my legs were begging me to quit. I thought about giving in, about only doing 2 sets, or about cutting my reps short. But when I'd get to 8, I'd tell myself to go to 10, and when I got to 10, I'd tell myself to push for 12. Turns out I was able to make it to 12...any further and I would've fallen over though! *lol* My knee even popped on the second set, but it corrected itself and we moved on. (Don't worry, no pain in it today so it's fine...just something I will always live with. Much better now that I've got strong muscles supporting it though!!)
3 sets of 12-15 Stiff Legged Dumbbell Deadlift (weight: 15/25/35)
Somehow I'd recovered mostly from my lunges and was able to grab the 35 pound dumbbell again...but I nearly dropped it. I realized last night that if I'm going to lift this much, I'm going to need weightlifting gloves because the stupid things KILL my hands! I've got calluses already, which I just think is cute because it's proof of my workouts, but almost dropping a 35 pound dumbbell on your foot is not cute. Going to look in to gloves. (It isn't that I can't hold them, but that the grooves on the handles irritate me and I instinctively want to drop the stupid things, so I loosen my grip so it doesn't dig into my hand so much and suddenly I'm in danger of a broken foot!)
3 sets of 12-15 Lying Leg Curls (weights: 50/70/80)
OMG the cramping was starting. I've always hated this machine, but somehow I surprised myself with the weight I was able to handle. I guess since I started running I've started building up those leg muscles without even really realizing it. Here I was worried only about speed and distance, when I should've realized all the good it was doing for my legs. I did start running because I loved the idea of having "runner's legs" (and hated how mine look). I'm liking more how my legs look and I know they're a work in progress. With these exercises as well as the running, I should be rocking skirts feeling much more sure of myself in no time!
3 sets of 15-20 Standing Calf Raises holding dumbbells (weights: 15/20/25)
Well, first off, I messed up and didn't realize I was supposed to be doing 20 until the third set. Oops! Second of all - OMFG! Every calf raise my muscles would contract so fast it scared the crap out of me. I just giggled it off, but I could tell I'd pushed my legs to their near breaking point...and that felt good because it's been getting difficult to challenge my legs. Lately I've been doing things that I can feel in my legs, like the biking I did the other day, and then this workout, and I just keep reminding myself that this will only help to make my running stronger (and my legs SEXAY!).
And then what did I do after 50 minutes of craziness? I walked outside and (tried) to walk/run. HA! Walking was a challenge! My legs kept wanting to give out or quit. I told them to chill, that we needed to stretch them out anyhow, loosen them up after that hard ST workout. And they listened...mostly. I set out to do 20 minutes. I'd backed off already from 15 minutes running (my original goal) to 10 minutes....I completed 5 minutes running. *lol* I swear I was sure if I went any more I'd fall flat on my face on the concrete. So...5 minute warm-up walk, 5 minute SLOOOOOOW run, 5 minute cool down and then I stretched it out a bit. (*lol* I tried to bend over to stretch out like I always do following a run and I almost fell flat on my face. I laughed so hard. I don't remember the last time I felt quite this worn out. I worried I wouldn't be able to walk the next day and then laughed at how funny that was. I don't know why I was laughing...I guess to keep from crying....)
So, yes, this Superheroine kicked that little monster "You Can't" out of her head last night...and I'm going to keep fighting him. It's also funny to me that right before I got to the gym Gorillaz's Clint Eastwood came on my iPhone in the car and I started thinking about how "I got sunshine in a bag" was talking about my gym bag and "I'm useless, but not for long" was talking about my upcoming workout and "My future is comin' on" was talking about how this one workout could change my momentum. I feel different today. Not completely changed, but happy and proud of myself again...finally! I haven't felt pride in myself in a LOOOONG time. Suddenly the little slip ups don't mean as much to me, because I worked myself HARD yesterday and I survived it with a smile.
Want to see what a Superheroine looks like after kicking her own rear end crazy stupid?
Tonight, it's Zumba class. I haven't been in a while and I'm scared my legs won't hold out, but I'll be there, smiling, laughing, falling on my face if I have to, just reminding myself of what I've got in me and how I don't really NEED anyone, even though it's nice to have them around, cuz I got all the weapons I need...right here!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Lately I feel like the world is crashing down around me. Like nothing I can do or have done is good enough. I'm not where I thought I would be. I feel stuck. Not just in weight loss, but in life. The world is on my shoulders. I am the sole supporter of my family both emotionally and financially. And as much as Hubs is trying to be supportive of me, it doesn't feel like enough. I feel like I'm losing a cause that was already lost 30 years ago, the day I was born without a father around.
Friendships died. That's what happened in 2011 so far. People I thought were there for me, faltered and fell. They shattered my dreams of what a true friendship could be and I learned that I rely too much upon what they want, what they think, what they need, and when they didn't give it back in as much as I gave it out, I fell apart and felt abused. It's not their fault. I gave too much of myself, leaving none for me. I should've held back and protected myself. It's not what we're raised to believe, but I'm learning that *I* am the only one I can rely upon. When I was young I was told that friends would be there when you needed them, but they aren't, they can't be...they have their own crap to deal with. It's hard to let go of the thought of having someone in my corner and facing the fact that I'm in this alone. But I am a grown @ss woman, so it's time to start acting like one.
And, yes, I've had to fight tooth and nail to get to where I am. And, no, I don't ever think it's good enough. I apply for jobs I'm never considered for, but that isn't exactly always a reflection of me or my work ethic or ability. Sometimes it just means someone bigger, better, with more accolades was in the running. More often then not, it means that someone who knows someone was in the running...and I'm learning more and more that it's all about who you know. I know, however, that my work product is good. I've excelled where I am. I have my own supervisors coming to me asking for my advice. If I work hard and do what I know I can, I'm the one who people stand behind, point at and say, "She knows what she's doing." I know I can make that happen...and I know if I keep pushing against the door one day, someday, it just HAS to give.
I can be who I want to be, but I have to rely on ME to get there.
I have to become my own superhero.
Baby steps work for some, but I have to go for the grand gesture.
I have to fight to prove to myself that I can be my own superhero.
I can hold up the world and make dinner for a family of four that is balanced and healthy, all at the same time. I've done it before, I can do it again.
I can work 1, 2, or even 3 jobs if necessary.
I can make it work because I have the strength and power and determination and drive...I just have to remind myself of that.
For the next few weeks, I'm going to remind myself of that by using all the gym's weightlifting equipment. Nothing makes me feel stronger than seeing muscles become defined, even when the fat is hanging off them. People look at my arms with a strange look because, yes, I have a lot of fat there, but as I lift my arms to hug my children, make dinner, mow the lawn, lift 45 pounds over my head, you see the muscles too. They're there, and I can define them as a reminder to myself and others that I am strong.
Who cares what everyone else thinks? When push comes to shove, they won't be there to catch me. I'll fall, hard, right on my face. And only *I* can pull myself back up, dust myself off, and keep going. It's a testament to how I started life - alone. I came out alone. So did you! We fought and crawled and swam our way out. We spent 9 months developing bodies, doing what needed to be done without someone holding our hands and telling us we could. And then, when we were ready, we fought our way out into the world. And somehow we made it through school alone. No one helped us pass the tests. No one was there feeding answers into our heads. We did it alone. And we will continue to do it alone. It's nice to have the support of others, but I can NOT think they could do it for me. Impossible! I have to be my own superhero and save my own life.
I get it now...again.
And I'm fighting to get it back.
I can. And I will.
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