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To the Victor Go the Spoils...

Monday, August 22, 2011

...and I spoiled myself ROTTEN today with bad@ssery...and boy did it feel good to feel that way again!

Woke up late. Oops! I'd been trying to get up early lately, but today, I rolled out of bed in a tizzy at 6:40 am. Knowing Logan had to be at the bus garage by 6:55, I hurried to his room and whipped him up and at 'em while I put on whatever clothes I could find. (I wasn't getting out of the car to see anyone so really I could've gone in my nightgown besides the fact that I live on the man road and would've been "caught" as soon as I got out the door.) Got Logan there 3 minutes before the bus left and hurried back home to get the other boy off.

Ethan was easier. He was outside waiting for the bus at least 10 minutes before it was due to arrive, singing and just having a generally fantastic morning. *lol*

So as I was prowling SP, I was trying to convince myself to get outside and go for an early morning run. That had been my plan all along, you know...I couldn't get to work early because the Chiropractor (who I am now calling CC - Cute Chiro) who saw me Friday wanted me back in his office Monday morning (more on that later). So since I had some time to myself in the morning, and because I knew Monday was leg ST night (which had me basically unable to walk two days after I did it last time) I figured it'd be nice to get in an easy morning run. But as I faced the morning, staring at the computer, fighting off the urge to sleep, I found myself fighting against the plan...again.

I eventually went back to bed. I told myself I would lay there for 10 minutes and make my decision. I didn't turn the alarm on because I wanted to force myself to get up after those 10 minutes and make the conscious decision to either do the run or get some sleep. I was going to face my inner villain head on, I wasn't going to let myself ignore it...

I told myself that a workout would wake me up, while more sleep would likely make me more tired. I told myself that it'd be nice to write a report here of "I did it" instead of "I slept in" and even though I wasn't doing it for you, I could feed on that pride and accomplishment the rest of the day. And then 8 minutes later, I pulled myself out of the comfort of bed, pulled on my running clothes and hit the road. I wanted to run a mile with a 1/4 mile warm up and 1/4 mile cool down. Unfortunately I was nearly to my running goal when my knee popped. I tried to continue on but I could tell I was babying the knee and after talking to the chiropractor, I felt it best to walk the rest of the way. 1.58 miles and 25:45 later I was back at home (having to potty AGAIN...darn those morning runs!) and hungry as all get out!

I showered, dressed, and headed off to the chiropractor. While it went well Friday and I felt better after, I didn't have the same experience this morning. It hurt. I was still sore and it hurt. He showed me my x-rays and I now know why I always felt like I had one leg shorter than the other and why when I watched my finishing tape from the Get Lucky 7k I was limp-running. Turns out my pelvis is askew in a rather major way. CC says that he usually sees millimeters off, but I'm in the half inches range. You can actually see the slant in the x-rays and it made me both want to cry and rejoice. Rejoice over what I have endured. Rejoice in my determination and follow-through even when my body was so messed up. Rejoice in finally having some answers. And then I wanted to cry, because it's so messed up and I hate knowing things are wrong with me. I wanted to cry because he admitted I might need semi-regular adjustments. Cry because it felt good to finally have validation of my constant pain.

In addition to the pelvic problems, I also have horrible positioning in my neck. Your neck is supposed to be curved and mine is straight. This is why I've been having headaches because it's pinching the nerves in my neck. And then, the best news of all (sarcasm here), he discovered that one of my ligaments in my neck have calcified. *sigh* CC doesn't know why and this isn't reversible. That means headaches could be a forever thing as well. We're hoping I can correct it with my posture but...we shall see.

So, I was in pain when I left after the adjustments...with a ton of appointments already made until October 7th. *sigh* I go back Wednesday for another adjustment and I just hope to God it doesn't hurt as bad this next time. He said the soreness should fade, which is good because I feel alright tonight but I was actually comparing the pain on Friday to the pain after giving birth to my first son (brutal...I'll spare you the details). It wasn't just the back pain, but also the DOMS issues and not being able to even walk really after that killer leg workout. So, yeah, hoping Wednesday is better.

So I got to work, dealt a little better with my 2 clients that are being PITAes, and got a few laughs out of some attempts to lie by people who thought I wouldn't know any better. I did nearly fall asleep once, but I pulled myself out of it. I drank my water, ate some chicken breast and a baked potato for lunch, and then had my Luna bar around 5:30pm. I cannot tell you how much I forgot that fueling before a workout makes the workout go easier.

2 sets of 15 jump squats felt easier this time.
Plie dumbbells were challenging, but not overly painful
Dumbbell lunges still hurt, but the weight lifting gloves at least ease the hand pain
Narrow Stance leg press? Yeah, I got up to 300 pounds now! I knew that would come back!
I skipped the stiff-legged dumbbell deadlifts because of my talk with CC - don't trust my form
Lying Leg Curls were rockin, but I was starting to feel it
And the standing calf raises were easier with some stretching in between (DUH!)
40 minutes later and I felt strong and my legs were sore and I stretched out before heading home.

Oh, but not before stopping off at the grocery store, because we needed an onion for the Jambalaya I need to put in the crockpot. While there, I found a deal on veggies that would expire tonight and some green Asian spinach-type stuff that said it'd be great in stir fry dishes. I knew I had ground chicken that needed to be used today, but I didn't know how well that would work out...but I had to try.

Ground chicken
Portobello mushrooms
Veggie stir fry mix (green/red pepper and onion)
A little fish sauce and sesame oil
Some of the Asian spinach stuffs
Some vermicelli rice noodles and pad thai sauce
and my superheroine talents made an amazing dinner that was HUGE and wonderful dish that was 350 calories and only 6 grams of fat. *smiles*

And, because I am counting, that's 2 nights in a row that I've made dinner at home after so long not cooking at home for weeks!

So, I AM the victor...and what are the spoils??

I made myself do that run and it ran my whole day. I checked things off my to do list with confidence and accomplishment.

Semi-Homemade Pad Thai Stir Fry
Because Ethan proclaims that he HATES healthy food (read: onions, mushrooms), there is a whole other serving of my pad thai left...which is exciting. Not only is it amazingly good, but it's filling as well!

Yep, that is what I bought for dessert. Yes, I did have 2 mini Hershey bars today. *blushes* But I'm happy and full and the grapes topped off a great night!

Sore legs!
*lol* I'm hoping it won't be as bad this time as it was last time with muscle memory and all kicking in.

And a solid foundation for tomorrow. When I doubt myself, I can simply remind myself that I did it today, I can do it again. Be victorious this week, y'all! Remind yourself that you can and it'll kick that villain right out of your head. Phew! Forgot how good it feels to go to bed this proud of myself! *big grin*

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ERIN1128 8/23/2011 11:44AM

    Sorry you're "askew," but as you said, isn't it nice to know there's a reason for the pain and discomfort? As someone who's been rear-ended twice, I'm a chiropractic regular - I'm just trying to get it down to once a month, becuase my insurance doesn't cover it and those visits really add up!

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COUNTDOWNISON 8/23/2011 11:16AM


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MAMADWARF 8/23/2011 11:13AM

    great blog!. chiropractor should really be able to help. so glad you have your answers and are feeling so positive!!

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MERAINA 8/23/2011 10:35AM

    wanna go shoppin with you!

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SASSAGAIN 8/23/2011 10:14AM

    recipe, kplsthxbai.

I'm glad that CCis helping, It's always good to know the whys and what you can do, if anything to get those things better.

I'm glad you got in your run, too. I know you're tired, but you felt better just running, I bet!

Love ya!

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SHEILA1505 8/23/2011 10:13AM

    It's great to get a proper diagnosis of what's causing problems - gives opportunities to work with it or to set it straight - even if it's going to involve a lot of hard work and soreness

Great dinner!

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 8/23/2011 9:17AM

    I think my legs are sore just reading your workout! Sounds like you made the most of your day.

I hope today is a repeat of all the awesomness you had yesterday (sans chiro stuff).

Oh and now I want Pad Thai at 9am!

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FITBUG78 8/23/2011 8:58AM

    Sounds like you had a great day! I love when I don't want to exercise, but I end up talking myself into it anyways, I always feel so good afterwards. Glad the CC is going well, sorry you have calcified ligaments in your neck, ouch!

Your stirfry sounds delish!

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EUPHRATES 8/22/2011 11:33PM

    Good for you!

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 8/22/2011 11:30PM


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GOGOSHIRE 8/22/2011 11:21PM

    Great day!

"He was ... singing and just having a generally fantastic morning." Ethan!! Love that kid!

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Superheroes Need Love Too!

Friday, August 19, 2011

Yes, I am a superhero. And, yes, I can do it all on my own. But that doesn't mean it feels good to get bashed over the head repeatedly! Superheroes need love too! What would Superman be without Lois Lane? Gotta have something to fight for that is outside ones self.

Yesterday I got yelled at for over an hour by a client who was sure I was "out to get her" in some way. I explained to her that I don't have the authority she was trying to accuse me of, but she wasn't listening. Over an hour on the phone and from beginning to end I thought I had managed to calm her down. I felt good about it. I felt I had done a great job of fighting the irrationalities of what she was saying and making her see the truth. She decided to stop by my office later, though, and decided to tell everyone there how mean and evil of a person I was. *face palm* Geez, woman. I TOLD you I'm not trying to make your life hell, I'm just trying to do my job here! So I spent the next hour in the conference room trying to calm her down again. Another coworker stepped in at some point, trying to diffuse the situation, and he too could see that she wasn't listening AT ALL. She had these irrational fears and she was standing by them. And when she left, she patted him on the back and said again that I was a horrible person. *sigh* Love that that's what I get for my efforts. I tried not to let it get to me, but I felt like I'd been in the worst fight of my life and it turned out a draw. Until next time, arch nemesis!

And in between the phone call and her visit, I had another client writing me letters, avoiding answering questions that she knew I both needed the answers to and she was able to provide. She's been avoiding answering these for a couple months now and I'm getting frustrated with her evasive maneuvers. Stand up and fight me like a woman...because I'll win this fight! Vented a bit, and then cooled off and tried again to tell her that I did, in fact, have the authority to get the information from her.

Funny how all my fights yesterday were about my authority and how far it extended.

So, yes, after a day of being raked over the coals, I was exhausted both physically and mentally. DOMS had set in from the crazy routine I did the night before and I could barely walk. Instead of Zumba, I picked up the boys and we went out to enjoy a night together. I did pretty well at dinner (hadn't eaten much all day anyhow) and then we went home so I could fill out the homework assigned to every parent on the first day of school. 20 pages later, I was exhausted and hit the bed HARD!

This morning, my legs are still very sore, but my mind is settled. I did the best I could. I handled the situation the best way I knew how. Irrational people are never going to be made into rational people, you just have to fight against the irrational nature as much as possible and hope it comes out in your favor. And if it doesn't, you have to remember that you did your job to the best of your ability and there was no more you could've done.

The plan for the day is simple.
1) Take shower. *lol* I'm actually looking forward to it this morning. Need to wash off any remnants from yesterday.

2) Head to the chiropractor. Have a 9:15am appointment, though they want me there at 9:00am. I'm scared out of my mind...just my irrational fears coming to light. (Do fat people go to chiropractors or is it just for skinny people?) I'm hopeful, though, that this might be just what I need to get my back to where it is supposed to be again. My tailbone still hurts all the time, hip pain from time to time, pinching in my shoulder area, and then last night another wonderful headache. Hubs is going with me. His parents used to work for a chiropractor and I mentioned that I really wish he could be there to settle my nerves.

3) Drop a check off at the bank. Much more fun than paying bills.

4) Hit the gym at some point. Going to stick to upper body ST and some cardio. I'm thinking I'll do a cardio circuit or hit the bike. I really want to get the bike worked into my routine somehow. Hate the thing, but I know it works.

5) Football practice for Ethan later. I can't wait to see him play again. He's so much better this year and that makes Football Momma proud!

6) Plan meals for the week and maybe get some cooking in today. Thinking Stuffed Eggplant for dinner.

So that's it. Just have to remember to drink my water, eat healthy, and take care of my body. Gotta get that workout in because skipping 2 days in a row is not an excuse anymore. Here's to this superheroine picking herself up out of the ashes, dusting herself off, shining her boots and getting to steppin' again. There's a life to save (my own) and slacking on the job is not in my job description!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MERAINA 8/22/2011 11:54AM


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MEGSFITNESS 8/19/2011 6:28PM

    aauuuggghh!!! Phone calls and visits like that are so draining!! I'm glad that you had a side-kick jump in to help!

Hope the trip to chiro went well :)

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LADYJAY25 8/19/2011 2:50PM

    Awesome blog!!!!!

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YOOVIE 8/19/2011 2:40PM


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KT-NICHOLS-13 8/19/2011 12:18PM

    Wow, you had a quit the day at the office. I couldn't help but wonder where your management team was or the boss who makes the big bucks. Employee support in these situations are key. It's too bad you had to deal with the wack-a-doos alone.

Do fat people go to chiropractors? *GIGGLES* Absolutely! I hope you have an awesome experience.

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ERIN1128 8/19/2011 11:47AM

    Chiros are good for everyone! :-) sorry about the crazy lady - way to shake it off.

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SASSAGAIN 8/19/2011 11:31AM

    When someone has it in their head that you are out to get them, it's really hard to change their mind. Just like the nutjob you had in your office yesterday. Sometimes its best to try and ignore what they are saying. YOU know the truth and that's what's important. And your coworker saw the nutjob and he knows you are good at your job, he knows you are not a horrible person, and so do the rest of your coworkers. So do we.

Hope the chiro goes well!

Have a great time with Ethan's football tonight! Gooooooo E!

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KKINNEA 8/19/2011 11:24AM

    Everyone can benefit from a good chiro no matter their size, shape or gender. Sometimes there are muscles locked up from the spine outward - unlock 'em, and you'll move even better than you did before!!

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1FEISTYMAMA 8/19/2011 11:19AM

    I hope today goes SO MUCH BETTER than yesterday. (((HUGS)))

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BRIAEL 8/19/2011 11:14AM

    I think this falls under that old, old adage:- "You can't please all the people ... ".

Some people you just have to let go and allow them to think what they're going to think. You're awesome and the rest of us know it. :)

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XTMONT 8/19/2011 11:04AM

    I'm so glad that the only clients I have are my own coworkers. Yes they can be crazy and yell too, but we've worked together for so long now that it all just rolls off my back eventually! You are a superhero!

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DETERMINED_SOUL 8/19/2011 10:09AM

    Wow! Some people get stuck in their thoughts and miss the larger picture. I do hope everything gets worked out okay for your clients. I am glad you are washing it off and starting the day anew. Have fun at the football practice.

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DONNYBELLE 8/19/2011 9:24AM

    oh man...i hate having to deal with crazy loons like that lady. seriously, i'm the type of person that eventually just starts agreeing with everything people like that say, only i do it with a crazy smile on my face. it usually goes along the lines of "actually, you're right. i stay up all night and spend every waking minute of my day trying to get one over on you. do you know how much fun i have spending time coming up ways to make your life miserable? because really, it's way better than having a real life"
usually, that leaves them looking at me like i'm a psychopath. and then they shut the hellballs up.
yessing morons to death is the best.

as for the chiropractor- i've been going since i was a kid because one of my vertebrae never turned to bone. they help with so much and a lot of those aches and pains could be from something so simple like a disc out of place or something. don't be alarmed if he doesn't do any hands on the first few visits until he knows exactly what's going on in your back (he may run some xrays or nerve tests too)

keep that head up. you're an awesome superheroine! emoticon

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.DUSTY. 8/19/2011 8:56AM

    WOW! What kind of job do you have that forces you to argue for 2 hours with a client? I'm also wondering why you couldn't have called in a supervisor/manager/employer to take over? Ridiculous!

emoticonon not binging over it all! I'm sorry you're in so much pain and I hope your trip to the chiropractor is successful!

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I Have WINGS, Baby! And Very Sore Legs...

Thursday, August 18, 2011

See, I did something a little silly. In an effort yesterday to find some sort of ST routine to follow so I wouldn't give up/get lost and waste my time, right before leaving work I pulled up the website and clicked on a 12-week program for muscle building. That wasn't the stupid part (and I'm actually quite happy to be clicking on muscle building instead of fat burning...I want to feel like I'm building something, not tearing something apart right now...the fat loss will come with the muscle building, I'm sure of it!). I pulled up the first day's routine and decided THAT was what I was doing. No excuses, I would do it - all of it. That wasn't the stupid part either. The stupid part, because I know you were hoping I'd get to it eventually, was not realizing that it was a Leg workout...on the same day I wanted to get a run in. OOPS! *lol*

Whatever, no excuses right? I had already started my day with some ST in the form of:
15 regular pushup
15 squats
15 lunges on each leg
15 bicep curls on each arm
15 crunches
15 twist crunches

So, I get to the gym, change into my superheroine clothes, and get started.
First 15 freehand squat jumps to get me warmed up. Let me tell you, I've seen these things on the P90x program and I always thought "No effin' way, dude!" But I did them. All 2 sets of 15. And it felt crazy stupid powerful to conquer something right off the bat that I would've never done a year ago. So, I followed that with some more crazy stunts.

3 sets of 15 Plie Dumbbell Squats (weights: 15/25/35)
Not bad! The first time I've ever held a 35 pound dumbbell. I can't curl the things yet, but I can at least hold them and use them for my leg routines!

3 sets of 12-15 Narrow Stance Leg Press (weights: 270/290/290)
OMG, that hurt! I could feel the muscle on the inside of my left leg screaming at me already. I used to be able to leg press my's good to know I'm not that far from there still, though this was quite the struggle! (And I must say that this does not factor into play the actual weight of the plate of the machine, because I can't get a clear answer on how much it weighs. Now that I think of it, I may have been factoring that in before. Estimates range from 50 pounds - 200. I think they put it in the 200 range when they were walking me through the gym on day one but I'm not really sure about that. Either way, I realize now how bad@ss that was because my weight marks only count the weight I ADDED to the machine.)

3 sets of 12-15 Dumbbell Lunge (weights: 20/25/25)
Okay, now I was just getting cocky, and my legs were begging me to quit. I thought about giving in, about only doing 2 sets, or about cutting my reps short. But when I'd get to 8, I'd tell myself to go to 10, and when I got to 10, I'd tell myself to push for 12. Turns out I was able to make it to 12...any further and I would've fallen over though! *lol* My knee even popped on the second set, but it corrected itself and we moved on. (Don't worry, no pain in it today so it's fine...just something I will always live with. Much better now that I've got strong muscles supporting it though!!)

3 sets of 12-15 Stiff Legged Dumbbell Deadlift (weight: 15/25/35)
Somehow I'd recovered mostly from my lunges and was able to grab the 35 pound dumbbell again...but I nearly dropped it. I realized last night that if I'm going to lift this much, I'm going to need weightlifting gloves because the stupid things KILL my hands! I've got calluses already, which I just think is cute because it's proof of my workouts, but almost dropping a 35 pound dumbbell on your foot is not cute. Going to look in to gloves. (It isn't that I can't hold them, but that the grooves on the handles irritate me and I instinctively want to drop the stupid things, so I loosen my grip so it doesn't dig into my hand so much and suddenly I'm in danger of a broken foot!)

3 sets of 12-15 Lying Leg Curls (weights: 50/70/80)
OMG the cramping was starting. I've always hated this machine, but somehow I surprised myself with the weight I was able to handle. I guess since I started running I've started building up those leg muscles without even really realizing it. Here I was worried only about speed and distance, when I should've realized all the good it was doing for my legs. I did start running because I loved the idea of having "runner's legs" (and hated how mine look). I'm liking more how my legs look and I know they're a work in progress. With these exercises as well as the running, I should be rocking skirts feeling much more sure of myself in no time!

3 sets of 15-20 Standing Calf Raises holding dumbbells (weights: 15/20/25)
Well, first off, I messed up and didn't realize I was supposed to be doing 20 until the third set. Oops! Second of all - OMFG! Every calf raise my muscles would contract so fast it scared the crap out of me. I just giggled it off, but I could tell I'd pushed my legs to their near breaking point...and that felt good because it's been getting difficult to challenge my legs. Lately I've been doing things that I can feel in my legs, like the biking I did the other day, and then this workout, and I just keep reminding myself that this will only help to make my running stronger (and my legs SEXAY!).

And then what did I do after 50 minutes of craziness? I walked outside and (tried) to walk/run. HA! Walking was a challenge! My legs kept wanting to give out or quit. I told them to chill, that we needed to stretch them out anyhow, loosen them up after that hard ST workout. And they listened...mostly. I set out to do 20 minutes. I'd backed off already from 15 minutes running (my original goal) to 10 minutes....I completed 5 minutes running. *lol* I swear I was sure if I went any more I'd fall flat on my face on the concrete. So...5 minute warm-up walk, 5 minute SLOOOOOOW run, 5 minute cool down and then I stretched it out a bit. (*lol* I tried to bend over to stretch out like I always do following a run and I almost fell flat on my face. I laughed so hard. I don't remember the last time I felt quite this worn out. I worried I wouldn't be able to walk the next day and then laughed at how funny that was. I don't know why I was laughing...I guess to keep from crying....)

So, yes, this Superheroine kicked that little monster "You Can't" out of her head last night...and I'm going to keep fighting him. It's also funny to me that right before I got to the gym Gorillaz's Clint Eastwood came on my iPhone in the car and I started thinking about how "I got sunshine in a bag" was talking about my gym bag and "I'm useless, but not for long" was talking about my upcoming workout and "My future is comin' on" was talking about how this one workout could change my momentum. I feel different today. Not completely changed, but happy and proud of myself again...finally! I haven't felt pride in myself in a LOOOONG time. Suddenly the little slip ups don't mean as much to me, because I worked myself HARD yesterday and I survived it with a smile.

Want to see what a Superheroine looks like after kicking her own rear end crazy stupid?


Tonight, it's Zumba class. I haven't been in a while and I'm scared my legs won't hold out, but I'll be there, smiling, laughing, falling on my face if I have to, just reminding myself of what I've got in me and how I don't really NEED anyone, even though it's nice to have them around, cuz I got all the weapons I need...right here!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANGELWENDYMAMA 8/24/2011 12:31AM

    Not sure why I haven't been seeing your blogs in my friend feed. Do I have to subscribe to them? You're doing super amazing, Callikia!

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TIGGERFAN01 8/19/2011 3:58PM

    You are Awesome!

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YOOVIE 8/19/2011 2:42PM


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KHAYSHENZ 8/19/2011 1:31PM

    Great job!!!!

More muscles = more fat burning machines when you're body is at rest. Plus, if you wanna burn more calories DURING weight lifting sessions - less weights, more reps!

Now that you're into muscle building - don't forget about supplements especially PROTEIN - whey protein. Aids in muscle re-building (post workout).


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RUSSELLORAMA 8/18/2011 11:18PM

    Woot!!!! You are super strong!

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GOGOSHIRE 8/18/2011 7:07PM

    I feel like it's ok that I skipped my workout today b/c you did enough yesterday for BOTH OF US!

So glad to hear you going for it, E! This was great!

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_DASH_ 8/18/2011 2:52PM

    GET IT GIRL!!!! you rocked it last night! rock it out today and take us straight through into the freakin weekend baby!!

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KARENDEE4 8/18/2011 11:38AM

    Way to go Superheroine

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SASSAGAIN 8/18/2011 11:33AM

    Lookit those weapons!! GUNS, I tell ya!

I'm very proud of you, too, E. That was some workout you did last night. Add in the fact that you are now feeling amazing, makes it a fantastic workout! YAY YOU!

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MEGSFITNESS 8/18/2011 11:06AM

    You look fabulous :) That workout sounds amazing :D

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XTMONT 8/18/2011 10:53AM

    I love it! Superheroine clothes! Ha!

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PHEFEY 8/18/2011 10:28AM

    You sure did a lot! Awesomeness!!!

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MZMELISSA2007 8/18/2011 9:55AM


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    You are emoticon.

As you were.

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BAYBELIEVER 8/18/2011 9:42AM

    That's quite a workout! And that's coming from a fellow ST/lifter! But, it beats us up to help us realize all those things we still think we can't do, well, sometimes we just can! Keep on "can"-ing!!

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MERAINA 8/18/2011 9:41AM

    YOU HAVE unleashed the Superhero!

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RICEOWL86 8/18/2011 9:37AM

    Great oost! I kept scrolling down thinking, "This is the last exercise." And then there would be another exercise, you just kept going and going! I enjoyed reading about your ST adventure, keep on going!

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SPUNKYJOY77 8/18/2011 9:33AM

    You go girl! emoticon

I left you a note on 8/17 blog. Please take time to read it. Still praying. Teresa

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KKINNEA 8/18/2011 9:32AM

    Amazing! You have gone where I have feared to - strength training my legs and running on the same day. Since you've proven it can be done, I gotta get out of the coward's corner and just do it!

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MAMADWARF 8/18/2011 9:30AM

    Love the positivity, woman!!!!

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I AM a Superhero!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

So...truth time.

Lately I feel like the world is crashing down around me. Like nothing I can do or have done is good enough. I'm not where I thought I would be. I feel stuck. Not just in weight loss, but in life. The world is on my shoulders. I am the sole supporter of my family both emotionally and financially. And as much as Hubs is trying to be supportive of me, it doesn't feel like enough. I feel like I'm losing a cause that was already lost 30 years ago, the day I was born without a father around.

Friendships died. That's what happened in 2011 so far. People I thought were there for me, faltered and fell. They shattered my dreams of what a true friendship could be and I learned that I rely too much upon what they want, what they think, what they need, and when they didn't give it back in as much as I gave it out, I fell apart and felt abused. It's not their fault. I gave too much of myself, leaving none for me. I should've held back and protected myself. It's not what we're raised to believe, but I'm learning that *I* am the only one I can rely upon. When I was young I was told that friends would be there when you needed them, but they aren't, they can't be...they have their own crap to deal with. It's hard to let go of the thought of having someone in my corner and facing the fact that I'm in this alone. But I am a grown @ss woman, so it's time to start acting like one.

And, yes, I've had to fight tooth and nail to get to where I am. And, no, I don't ever think it's good enough. I apply for jobs I'm never considered for, but that isn't exactly always a reflection of me or my work ethic or ability. Sometimes it just means someone bigger, better, with more accolades was in the running. More often then not, it means that someone who knows someone was in the running...and I'm learning more and more that it's all about who you know. I know, however, that my work product is good. I've excelled where I am. I have my own supervisors coming to me asking for my advice. If I work hard and do what I know I can, I'm the one who people stand behind, point at and say, "She knows what she's doing." I know I can make that happen...and I know if I keep pushing against the door one day, someday, it just HAS to give.

I can be who I want to be, but I have to rely on ME to get there.
I have to become my own superhero.
Baby steps work for some, but I have to go for the grand gesture.
I have to fight to prove to myself that I can be my own superhero.
I can hold up the world and make dinner for a family of four that is balanced and healthy, all at the same time. I've done it before, I can do it again.
I can work 1, 2, or even 3 jobs if necessary.
I can make it work because I have the strength and power and determination and drive...I just have to remind myself of that.

For the next few weeks, I'm going to remind myself of that by using all the gym's weightlifting equipment. Nothing makes me feel stronger than seeing muscles become defined, even when the fat is hanging off them. People look at my arms with a strange look because, yes, I have a lot of fat there, but as I lift my arms to hug my children, make dinner, mow the lawn, lift 45 pounds over my head, you see the muscles too. They're there, and I can define them as a reminder to myself and others that I am strong.

Who cares what everyone else thinks? When push comes to shove, they won't be there to catch me. I'll fall, hard, right on my face. And only *I* can pull myself back up, dust myself off, and keep going. It's a testament to how I started life - alone. I came out alone. So did you! We fought and crawled and swam our way out. We spent 9 months developing bodies, doing what needed to be done without someone holding our hands and telling us we could. And then, when we were ready, we fought our way out into the world. And somehow we made it through school alone. No one helped us pass the tests. No one was there feeding answers into our heads. We did it alone. And we will continue to do it alone. It's nice to have the support of others, but I can NOT think they could do it for me. Impossible! I have to be my own superhero and save my own life.

I get it now...again.
And I'm fighting to get it back.
I can. And I will.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RONOSOF 8/19/2011 8:08PM

    Yes, you are!

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JUNIE33 8/19/2011 6:22PM

    I, too, have some interesting revelations recently about people and who I thought they were and how I thought they would be there for me.
I think on some levels that we truly want to believe "promises" that people make to us. I know for me it has helped me cope to think everything was going to be all right because I had so-in-so watching my back.
More recently I have seen that believing someone or something outside of myself is not a very good plan. My belief that I had someone on my side has led me to go the extra distance for them. And sometimes this decision has detracted from what I am suppose to be doing for myself.
Relating and relationships can be so powerful. Hopefully, they are also healing.

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GAILSQUEST 8/19/2011 5:38PM

    Yes,you are a SuperHero! emoticon

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KIM_POSSIBLE77 8/19/2011 4:33PM

    I learned in the last few years that what does not kill us only makes us STONGER.....Don't give up as you are a Super Hero for sure!!

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YOOVIE 8/19/2011 2:43PM


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HEALTH-E-CLARE 8/17/2011 4:08PM

    You are strong and amazing. You have a heavy burden on your shoulders right now, but I'll always be in your corner. If you don't see me right away, just yell for help, and I promise I'll do what I can.

I have a cookbook that might be awesome for you right now... I'll find it when I get home (post-it not on my planner).

Tomorrow is ST upper body for me if you want to virtually join me in the weight room

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BRIAEL 8/17/2011 2:32PM

    I may not be a "friend" in real life and I may not give you enough feedback, but I am most definitely an admirer of your spirit.

There are maybe half a dozen blogs that I can't wait to read when I get the email notification through. Yours is one of them.

You seem so real, so current, so genuine. I'm out here rooting for you. :)

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KKINNEA 8/17/2011 12:24PM


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COCOMAC7 8/17/2011 12:16PM

    I too had some VERY disapointing moments in friendship this past year. I've learned that people I thought were my friends are better thought of as acquintances. I learned that I'm more loyal than any other person I know and I have to let it go when people don't respond the way I want them too. I'm learning to not take everything so personally but also to put less emphasis on my self-worth based on what others think about me. It's been a hard lesson (with many tears). I'm getting there though!

You have a beautiful soul and you ARE a superhero. You motivate so many people on Spark. I'm sorry that you don't get to see that daily IRL.

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GOGOSHIRE 8/17/2011 12:02PM

    You are a superhero. Sorry it's been so rough for you lately. I am here for you. xo

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ERIN1128 8/17/2011 11:39AM

    Love your self pep talk! All've got to believe in yourself.

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KHAYSHENZ 8/17/2011 11:22AM

    Don't let anybody get you down!!!

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RUSSELLORAMA 8/17/2011 11:13AM

    It's awesome when friends and family can be there for us, but we definitely have to develop the strength to get by on our own when necessary. You are super strong!

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ERIN4771 8/17/2011 10:08AM

    it never ceases to amaze me how much you put yourself out there my friend, even when you are not having the best day, you find a way to pick yourself back up...that is definitely superhero material in my book! keep fighting the good fight, and you never know, new friendships may be just around the corner!!

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FITMARY 8/17/2011 9:54AM

    This sounds very familiar to me. Good for you for forging your own path! It's lonely out in front, but the view is better! Hang in there and enjoy what support you do have. It's all good!!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SWEETPQTE 8/17/2011 9:38AM

    I have been there, through the lost friendships, through the crap of corporate America (you get by with WHO you know, not WHAT you know)

But you have a great attitude and just keep re reading what you wrote and you can keep it in mind.

Good luck. Your virtual friends are always here for you !

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DONNYBELLE 8/17/2011 9:33AM

    L.O.V.E. this blog.
I'm in a similar place- realizing that the only person who will truly pull me out of any and everything is myself.
and yeah, lifting and feeling/seeing muscles almost takes all that inner strength you have and forces it to the top layers of your flesh---kinda like our personal badge of strength. love it.

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MICHELLESMILES_ 8/17/2011 8:29AM

    I've always admired you since day 1 of my journey! You are strong minded and you can do anything!!


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GSWINNIE 8/17/2011 8:10AM

    You can do anything you set your mind to. Screw those so called "friends". You ROCK!

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EL-E-E 8/17/2011 7:57AM

    I'm sorry your friends have let you down, but I like this pep talk!! emoticon

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Weekend Update and Weekly Plan

Monday, August 15, 2011

So this weekend was....eventful, I guess. I was so pumped on Friday and ready to take on the world. So I got on my running gear and headed to the gym. I did a short run on the treadmill, trying to baby my back a bit, but it wasn't really hurting while I was running, so that was good. I then tried to take the fitness test on the upright stationary bike at the gym, except, I got a little flustered at the end while taking my heartrate after the five minutes. *lol* Still, it was a heck of a workout in 5 minutes! My legs were so sore with the running + biking and it was good to feel like my body was being challenged again. I think I might add in some bike training here and there, maybe one day a week to start. In between my cardio, I squeezed in some ST moves. Nothing over the top, but I got in some pushups and walking lunges. By the time I left I'd put in at least 30 minutes and felt like I'd pushed myself a bit, so I was good with that, especially considering I planned to go home and get started immediately on the lawn.

Which I did. I mowed half the lawn before the gas ran out and I had to refill the tank, and that's where all Hades broke loose. While filling the tank, the stupid thing overflowed and before I knew what was happening it was splashing up on me, into my face. My eyes and nose and skin started burning and I started screaming. I won't draw this out. I'm fine. We called the MIL, who is the master of home remedies, and she said to wash my eye out with milk. Hubs helped me as I was already washing my face, hands, eye and nose with water and we doused my face in a milk bath of sorts. Within moments, the burning stopped. Crazy, right!? After it stopped burning, Hubs and Ethan both offered to finish the lawn, but I wasn't having it. I couldn't let anything stop me. I had to see it through. And I did. I finished. And it felt amazing to come back so quickly and do what I set out to do, so when I took a rest after that, I felt like I had really earned it.

Friday night was football practice. Saturday was Ethan's scrimmage, which meant 4 hours on the field while they played and tested positions and Ethan was pulled on and off the field and there were no scores. I have to say I'm pretty proud of myself. I had a bit of a problem staying seated during the scrimmage. I was restless and ended up getting my workout in by walking from the car to the field about 4 times, and then walking around the field here and there, following the team down the field, moving a good majority of the time. By Sunday, my legs were DONE! *lol* Saturday night we went to the drive-in - it's the oldest drive-in in WV that is still operational. Takes us a little over an hour to get there, but it's a great fun night and super cheap, so we think it's worth it. (BTW - it takes us about 45 minutes to get to the 2 main movie theatres either north or south of us, so this isn't much farther and it's MUCH cheaper!) Watched HP7-2 (again for me and the boys, first time for Hubs who actually gave a thumbs up for it) and then Green Lantern. Not a bad night overall, but not so stellar on the food front. And then Sunday? Lazy day as much as possible. We did hit the grocery store, but that was it. Felt good to relax a bit.

So that's my weekend in a nutshell. Things are about to get crazy again. In addition to Ethan's football practice and games every weekend, Logan is starting Middle School. They called us yesterday and I think they were talking about an orientation for students and parents tomorrow, so I need to call and confirm that. (It was an automated message and Hubs got it but he missed some of the details.) Football, school, work, and workouts. It's back to the grind. Even more important that I have detailed plans for each week!

This week's meals include:
* Vegetarian Chili
* Stuffed Eggplant
* Zucchini Parmesan
* Chicken Tacos

This week's workouts include:

- Monday: Run and ST
- Tuesday: Zumba (unless we have orientation, I need a backup plan!)
- Wednesday: Run and ST
- Thursday: Zumba
- Friday: XT and ST
- Saturday: Long Distance Run (Going to try for 2 straight miles running)
- Sunday: Rest Day

I also have my chiropractor appointment on Friday, so I'm super nervous, anxious, excited, and scared about that. The whole thought of it both thrills me and terrifies me, so we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Again, I think orientation might be tomorrow night. If that's the case, I'll have to squeeze something in some other time during that day or simply call it a rest night (which will likely happen, unless I get really eager).

And I know that 2 miles doesn't seem that long to anyone else, but I've topped out at being able to run a straight 1 1/2 miles without stopping. I NEED that 2 miles, so that's my main goal for Saturday. As far as my other runs...I try to make them easy. I do speed work and intervals sometimes. It's not a strict schedule, and that might have to change as time goes on, but right now I'm nursing a sore back and trying not to burn out. I still love running, and I really want to keep it that way. Hoping with the heat backing off again I might be able to love it even more because I now understand why people call it the "dreadmill". I have more drive and will and desire to run with I'm running on the road, through the trees, anywhere outside. Each step on the treadmill has me watching the clock, while outside I get lost in the scenery and the moment. There's something magical about that...

So that's the plan. And in addition to that plan is the plan that I get up every morning and start again. Each day is another chance to reach the goals I set:
1) Drink water
2) Stay within your ranges
3) Keep moving
4) Keep running
5) ST 3 times a week!

What kind of plans do you have this week? For the parents out there - do you find it more difficult to stick to your plans/schedule when school starts? I actually can't wait for the regularity of it because it puts me in that regular mindset of scheduling again. Summer is so crazy with all its randomness. I'm ready for a plan, a calendar and a schedule again! I thrive on to-do lists and scheduled appointments! *lol*

Have a good week!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MIQUEY73 8/15/2011 7:25PM

    Hey 1 mile is a long way for me so I think 2 miles is stellar! You can do it!

I too am looking forward to the "regularity" of school. You're not the only one who needs the scheduling. emoticon

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GOGOSHIRE 8/15/2011 6:53PM

    Sounds like a very good weekend, and I love the 2 mile go! Excellent!

My week plans are kicking into high gear again and try to get 28-30 fitness hours between today and Sunday versus the last two weeks of 16-20 fitness hours. School starts in two weeks, so I want to go balls to the wall and just do everything absolutely possible before my life in front of the computer for 8 hrs a day resumes.... xo

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XTMONT 8/15/2011 12:58PM

    Two miles is doable! You can do it!

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ERIN1128 8/15/2011 11:58AM

    SO true about the "regular" schedule of school! We've been doing different summer day camps this year, and the one last week was a real pain - ended at 4pm every day, oh-so-convenient for those of us who work full-time! But we don't start till Sept. 6th. I always kind of think of September as the "start" of the year, know what I mean?

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SARAWALKS 8/15/2011 11:04AM

    Do you know how much I would LOVE to be able to run 1.5 miles without walking any of it? I'm still working on getting to a mile! So don't feel bad, chica! but keep pushing those goals and I'm so glad the gym was good!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KKINNEA 8/15/2011 10:29AM

    You menu sounds delish. I hope the chiro puts you back to rights so you can feel good during your running.

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SARAHMAC1978 8/15/2011 9:28AM

    Sorry about the gas situation. I remember once when I was pumping gas for my car, and the automatic stopper didn't work and there was gas everywhere! It's scary! I fortunately didn't get it in my eyes like you did, but I did get it all over my hands and clothes :(

Glad you are okay! Have a great week!

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ARYSMOMMY1 8/15/2011 9:22AM

    Good luck on your goals! And good job on getting back out and finishing that lawn!!!

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