Friday, August 12, 2011
Today I didn't wake up groaning from pain.
Today I woke up to the sun, the birds, and other noises I've drowned out with being too busy to notice for so long.
Today I realized that summer is winding down and I haven't done half the things I wanted to do.
Today I realized there is still time.
Today I don't care what I wear or what size I am.
Today I'm glad to be alive. Glad to have made it through a hard few months without gaining a bunch of weight back.
Today I'm ready to take on the world, however slowly because of my back.
Today I'm glad I skipped Zumba last night because my body needed the rest.
Today I actually WANT to go to the gym. I don't even know what I can do once I get there, but wanting to go is HUGE because I haven't felt that in a while.
Today I'm nervous, but not hiding.
Today it's the sunshine and smiling faces of family and friends that make me feel like this world isn't such a bad place after all.
Today I'm thinking of my grandparents, about how proud they would be of me for what I've accomplished against all odds and statistics.
Today I will make them smile with my bravery, courage, and lust for life.
Today I will remember that each moment is a precious one.
Today I will cook something, because I miss that creative outlet.
Today I will mow the lawn, because I miss being productive at home.
Today I will visit the gym, I will eat healthy because it feels right, I will do my chores while making it feel like the freedom I have to accomplish the things I want.
Today I will watch an entire football practice and get ready for my son's first scrimmage of the year.
Today I am happy that both my boys are growing into strong, capable young men.
Today I will think about how lucky I am to have Hubs as a support, lover, counselor, friend, and my constant companion.
Today I will poop rainbows and sunshine and let the world know that I'm back. I'm ready. I'm good. I'm capable.
For the past few months I've been caught up in a whirlwind of what's been going on around me, hanging on for dear life. But today, I take over the reigns, thanking myself for surviving the chaos and letting myself know that it's okay sometimes to lose control, because it makes fighting for it back that much more of an accomplishment.
Cardio and ST today with a smile! Who's with me?! :)
Thursday, August 11, 2011
So, yeah, remember all those amazing goals I had posted on Monday? HA! Thus far all I can be proud of is cutting soda mostly out of my diet and getting back to drinking my water. I've been trying so hard to be good, but it's been difficult. Thing is, I know there will be challenges...I've faced them before. I just have to learn how to get past them.
So first, let's give them a name.
1. Work. Yep, all my training is over now, but the real work of catching up really took on a whole new meaning on Monday. As of today, I am proud to say that I am pretty much caught up on everything. Still, it's kept me from staying up to date here and focusing on much else. I haven't really taken an actual lunch break all week. A shame considering how nice the weather has been!
2. My energy level is in the crapper. I know it's directly related to #3 but OMG! I don't want to do anything beyond work and sleep. Sometimes eating is even a chore. Lord knows cooking has been out of the question. No matter how strong the drive to do it, I can't seem to get myself moving because I just want to sleep, sleep, sleep.
3. My back. This is the main reason for the lagging this week. Last week in DC when we were doing all that walking around, I noticed some pinching in my right shoulder blade area. It hurt, but I kept going anyhow. (Not really a choice when your hotel is still a mile away..) On top of that (or below it actually) the right side of my tailbone hurts SOOOO MUCH! It hurts when I sit, stand, lay down. Sleeping is out of the question. I don't sleep longer than an hour or two before I'm awake again in pain. The pain in my back is causing headaches, bad migraines that make it hard to see or think or do anything without feeling like my head is about to burst. I took off all yesterday after leaving 45 minutes early the day before. I felt like a tool for doing it because I really need to be at work right now, but I couldn't move.
And that is why I haven't been to the gym since returning from DC. I've wanted to go...so much it hurts me emotionally right now. But the thought of working out with all this pain makes me want to vomit. And the lack of sleep and general wearing down of my body makes me tired all the time. Driving to and from work is dangerous. When Hubs is driving, I'm usually asleep. It's a nightmare!
Still, tonight I'm going to attempt the gym. Who knows, it might help right? There's another Zumba class tonight, and I'm going to try my best to make it through at least 30 minutes of it. I haven't put the back pain to the real test because it basically hurts to just stand or sit, so the thought of moving is not something I'm exactly thrilled over...but I should try. At least try.
As for healing the back? I'm stretching a lot like the PT showed me. It HURTS so much! The tension in my back is ridiculous! And then today I made an appointment with a chiropractor for next Friday. I'm terrified because I've never been, but I've heard nothing but good things, and I need something to help me get my body from rebelling! I can't lose weight if I can't move. I just don't have the drive.
So that's what's up. Gonna go cringe a bit more and then talk myself into trying that workout tonight...
Monday, August 08, 2011
So, I know it's not exactly August 1st, but for me it kinda is. With all the crazy training nonsense in the past couple months, I've barely had a moment to breathe. I took the weekend off for the most part, rested my weary legs. I did run a bit on Saturday. Not a lot, though, just enough of a walk/run to get the dog home from G'ma's house (about a mile, maybe..). Yesterday I got all the back-to-school shopping done, so that's like a weight lifted off my shoulders, too.
So, today, August 8th, is my August 1st. And I'm ready to get the ball rolling again. No more excuses. No more "but there's no time!" There will never be time unless I MAKE time for it. So, most important to getting me back on track is logging where I am now and then setting some goals.
Actually, first off is to remind myself that I have the power to achieve these goals. And I'll do that by reminding myself how far I've come.
In April 2010, here were my starting Spark Stats:
Weight - 416.2
Waist - 56.25
Hips - 73
Neck - 17
Thigh - 32
Calf - 24
Upper Arm - 18
Body Fat % (taken when I started the gym program in like June/July?) - 53.3%
As of now, I am at:
Weight - 318.0
Waist - 46.75
Hips - 57
Neck - 14.5
Thigh - 24.5
Calf - 20
Upper Arm - 14.25
Body Fat % - 47%
That's a change in 16 months of:
Weight: -98 pounds!
Waist: -9.5 inches!
Hips: -16 inches!!
Neck: -2.5 inches!
Thigh: -7.5 inches!
Calf: -4 inches!
Upper Arm: -3.75 inches!
That's a total of at least 58.5 inches lost overall!!!
And I've lost 6.3% of my body fat (at least!)!!
Not too shabby! So I CAN do this. It CAN be done. I just have to recommit and stop letting myself fall victim to my own worst enemy - my self-doubt.
I've reset my goals.
The main goal is to reach 230, which should put me around 30% body fat, by the end of June 2012.
But the more immediate goal is to reach 298, a number that seems like a golden goose egg, yummy and wonderful and HUGE!
And even MORE immediate than that? Have my first consistent and consecutive 4 weeks of LOSS on the scale, no matter how small, I want to start the downward motion again.
And how will I do that? I can't just wish it away, that's for sure. If THAT worked I'd be skinny and fit by now! No, this takes work. Hard work! And I am NO stranger to HARD WORK! This isn't a new concept here. When my mom told me that I could work as soon as I turned 16 (and after I got a license/car), I went and filled out the application to work right after my birthday and started working soon after, filling up my evenings with dedication to whatever task was put before me. I'm good at that. Give me a task and I'll set my mind to achieve it. And that's just the fire I need to reignite in myself to get this show on the road once more.
So, my small goals to get back on track:
1. LOG! LOG! LOG! Good or bad or worse, you will log every calorie you consume whether from food or drink, a bite or a serving or a binge. It will be logged. Don't worry so much about the calorie counts as you do about logging. Don't avoid the log because you know you went over your calories. Log it anyway! Get back in the habit!
2. If you CAN get ahead of your calorie goals, try to stick between 1750 to 2100 calories. That does not mean you MUST be at or under 1750! That means anywhere in between those two numbers will do just fine. Even if it's 2099 calories, you're good. Stop thinking you have to achieve "better than perfection" to succeed.
3. Workouts need to become a regular thing again. Zumba on Tuesdays and Thursdays now that your schedule is back. Unless it's cancelled or you work short days. On those occassions, cross train on other equipment in a circuit training type deal...because you always loved those so much! Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays are running days, so enjoy the finishing of the C25k program, because I KNOW you have it in you! And running days will share the spotlight with Strength Training, because you KNOW you need that in this program. Cardio is never enough! You have to build those muscles to eat that fat to see results. Get back to lifting, remember how much you love the instant results?!
4. DRINK WATER! Seriously? It's 100 degrees outside and you've been avoiding water and drinking crap like Coke and Juice instead? If you ever needed water, now is the time! 8-10 glasses a day of good clean water. Save soda for special occassions...and by special I don't mean once a day or even once a week or month, but on those special treats every few months when a nice cold Coke just sounds so nice. It will mean more if you save it for special occassions!
5. Get back to Sparking like a Rockstar! I seriously have missed you all dearly. I apologize for my lack of participation in what you've been up to. Truth is, I've been reading blogs but not commenting...but I know that doesn't help you at all. That's me being selfish, not wanting to miss out on what my friends are up to but not taking the time to support them in a vocal manner. I sincerely apologize for that selfishness and I'm SO ready to get back on the commenting bandwagon. I'm ready to share the joy and experience and bumpy ride, to share the motivation, because as much as I know motivation comes within, I realize that by the sharing of experiences here we share a bit of our motivation as well. Self-motivation can be quick to fizzle out, but when we keep fueling the fire by sampling a bit of yours and giving you a bit of mine, well we all benefit from that. We stoke the fires and keep them burning. So I'm pulling out one of those old-age push air blower fire stoker thingys! Get ready to have your fire stoked again! :)
Goal for next week: 316 pounds
Goal for end of August: 312 pounds
Reward for reaching goal: Self-spa day and a Professional Haircut!
Reward for consistency even if I don't reach goal: Self-spa day!
I'm giving myself the credit and rewarding myself for what I CAN control! The rest is just icing on the proverbial cake! :)
Saturday, August 06, 2011
Finally got back last night around 10:30pm. We left at 1pm. We only live about 6 hours from DC, you do the math. In our desperate attempt to avoid a major traffic jam that shut down about 4 miles of 70W coming out of Maryland, we ended up wasting a couple hours. It was a hard trip back, but we made it!
So, how did everything go? Well, let's just say that my focus was not on eating healthy. Seriously, I got bit by a "I don't care" monster at the beginning of the trip and it took everything I had to control myself. That being said, I walked all our butts off nearly every single day we were there.
On Sunday, when we arrived, there were some issues with my work's payment of the hotel room causing me to have to pay for the first night out of my own pocket until I could speak to our accountant the next day and try to sort things out. Things were so up in the air that I didn't know if we'd be staying the whole week or not, so in an effort to not waste whatever time we had, we headed out to check out some of the DC sites. Now, my hotel was about 1/2 a mile from the National Mall. Hours later, and about 5 1/2 to 6 miles later, we returned tired as all get out. I took them to see the National Mall, the Washington Monument, the Lincoln Memorial, we caught a glimpse of the Jefferson Memorial across the way and the White House in the other direction, and we stopped by the WWII Memorial and looked up my grandpa in the system there (the picture was so great! An old picture from when he was young...he was such a handsome man!). When we returned, everyone was super sore and I was stressed about sorting everything out with my work, so sleep was hard to come by.
On Monday morning, THANKFULLY, everything was sorted out and I proudly let the kids and Hubs know we were there for the week. I decided to give them the night off. Grab groceries (about a mile walk, I'd guess?) and then stay in, go to the pool, rest. But by Tuesday, we were off again.
Every day I'd walk the nearly 1/2 a mile to my training, walk back for lunch, walk back after lunch, and then walk back to the hotel after class was over...so without any exploring at all I was averaging about 2 miles a day just shuttling myself back and forth.
On Tuesday we hit the Air and Space Museum before Hubs mentioned he was still sore from Sunday and we headed back.
On Wednesday, we headed down to the Natural History Museum and had to speed walk through it as they were closing early at 5:30pm (it looked like they were setting up for some sort of reception or gala), so we did a little "speed museum" before heading next door to the American History Museum, where we spent a little more time. Still tired and sore, we caught a cab back to the hotel (something none of my boys had experienced before either *lol*).
And then on Thursday, I gave them another 6 mile trek through DC as we rushed to the National Archives to view the important documents and walk through a room that was piping in the most delicious smell of apples! Then we headed up through the Ronald Regan building complex area, grabbed a pizza at Aria, headed up to the White House to get a better view, and then down to the Vietnam Wall and past the WWII Memorial and Washington Monument again to head back. Again, everyone was sore and tired when we got back.
So while I didn't pay much mind to calorie counts, and while we didn't run the National Mall every morning (or every other morning, actually) like I wanted (we were still too tired from the night before!), we did do a little running on the mall on Sunday night and Thursday night, and we walked so much I can't imagine it being a bad thing.
The scale says 320 again this morning, but I'm still quite sore and swollen so I expect that to go down some with some water intake today and a bit of rest this weekend. More importantly, this trip helped me clear my head from the tragedy that was the trip out west for my "friend's" wedding. I'm not lazy, we walked SO much! I'm not stupid, I did well in training and my instructor (who I had for week one back in December) remembered me and stated that he was so proud of my promotion and of the confidence I have built in my abilities in the job. I'm not selfish, I tried to accomplish what all the boys wanted to see, I listened when they needed a break, and I gave up some of the things I wanted to do to ensure that we all got to experience the city together.
And I cannot wait to get started on my healthy lifestyle again. I'm excited to take the next couple days to rest (other than returning the rental car here in a bit, and then a wedding of an actual friend at 2:30 today), to check on my garden (I spy tomatoes!!) and then to hit the gym hard next week and get this ball rolling again. When i met with the nutritionist before I left, we set 3 small goals.
1. Cook at home at least 2 times this week.
2. Start logging again and get back into Spark. (I miss you all and need your support to succeed!)
3. Drink at least 8-10 glasses of water EVERY SINGLE DAY.
It's all about baby steps, right? I'm excited to get back to running, but my feet are simply raw today from this week. Hoping that's cleared up by Monday so I can get a run in. The stage will be set and the major goal facing me right now is in my head. The challenge will begin to not only get back under 320, but to get under 300. I'm ready for Deuceland, and I think it's finally ready for me.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Wow! I can't believe the last time I blogged was on July 17th. It's not because I was hiding or wasn't "living healthy" or anything like that. I didn't give up at all. I just had no time to myself.
And I don't have much time this morning either as I have an appointment at the gym at 10am, and I'm going to attempt to get a run in right after, before the real craziness starts up again. But I needed to recap you all on what's been happening, so here's the VERY short version of it.
We missed our flight, but they rescheduled us for a later flight at no cost.
When we finally made it to Vegas, we checked in, walked around for a while, and then headed back to our room to sleep off the massive exhaustion from a LOOOONG day.
Thursday morning I woke up and went for a run on the treadmill in the hotel gym before we went out walking the strip to shop a little bit before the bride arrived. Then we hit Mandalay's pool, which was awesome! (And i got a little sunburn on the back of my legs, which was not awesome.)
Bride came in around 5pm. We had dinner, changed, and went out to party. It didn't go well. They were all looking to me to find the perfect party spot, but I've only been to Vegas ONCE. I did the best I could but the night was ruined by the groom who had gotten drunk and high and I was forced to take care of him so he didn't end up in a Vegas jail cell two days before his wedding.
We had about 3 hours of sleep and then spent the whole day running around finishing up chores for the wedding. We ate breakfast at 8:30am before checking out, and then not again until 9pm at the "rehearsal dinner" that really wasn't anything of the sort.
On wedding day, I spent the day doing my duties, plus more. As the only married person, I had to direct everyone where to go and what to do because the rehearsal had never happened.
I hit a rut in the grass in my heels while walking out after the ceremony, twisted my ankle and fell down. Special, right?
I organized everyone so the photographer could take pictures, and then we were off to the reception where I ended up organizing again. Setting the DJ up for the announcement of the couple, directing people where to go, cutting the cake and serving it, serving champagne for the toasts, giving a toast off the cuff.
And then I partied. And people fell in love with me. THAT was a good night. I got told by people young and old that I was "awesome," I shook my booty on the dance floor, yes, I drank too much, and then I crashed.
And then Sunday came, and AM and I got stuck out in the middle of the desert at a house with no contact other than wifi to the outside world and we were bored and hungry and had no transportation, so when the bride showed up at 9pm I asked her "WTF?" and it turned into a fight where she said I was being mean and refused to speak to me again, and then her "best man" decided to yell at me, tell me I was a "fat, selfish b!tch" and block my way to the car. I cried for 2 hours, ate once the entire day, and they pawned us off onto the new MIL for a ride to Vegas to the airport. We got to the airport at 1:15am and had to wait until 4am to even check in for our 6am flight.
I was SOOO happy to be home!
So, yes, it was a bit of a bust. I spent way too much money and felt used yet again. My so-called friend is likely not the friend I thought she was and I still feel a little raw over the whole thing.
And then I came home to a weeklong training, wherein they didn't NOT feed us, like in Utah, but they decided to feed us every 2 hours. UGH! I was good most days and ate as healthy as possible. I did have 4 warm chocolate chip cookies in 3 days, but I'm not too worried about that.
I got a run in on Wednesday night, where I decided to work on my speed a bit in some intervals because that seemed more fun than drudging myself through a 25 minute run. Still trying to get back my stamina from taking a couple days off from being sick and then a couple days off from being abused in Utah.
Last night I had a meeting with the nutritionist, where we talked about taking baby steps starting August 7th. I leave tomorrow for DC for another training and I just can't think beyond that right now. I hope to run the National Mall again like I did last year. I hope to walk around everywhere and show my 3 boys (yes, including Hubs) the nation's capital because none of them have ever been. And I'm staying at the hotel with the kitchen again so I can cook some meals 'at home' and eat healthy that way.
And, as I said, I have another meeting this morning, this time with the exercise physiologist. No clue how that's going to go. I want to work out, but I'm tired all the time from being so busy. And I don't think I've been slacking off - I've been getting it in wherever and whenever I can, but it hasn't been full-on, full-force because there just isn't time for that right now. Still, I'm proud of myself (and I told the nutritionist that last night). I had a crazy few weeks of stress and things being completely out of my control and I still managed:
* A run in Vegas, followed by walking the strip all day and night.
* Lots of running around to get wedding plans done.
* Acting as wedding planner/coordinator.
* Dancing a TON! (My legs hurt for days because I danced so hard that night! *lol*)
* Doing 30 laps in the pool on Sunday (about 15 full laps...wasn't that big of a pool).
* Getting a run in on Wednesday where I got up to 4.5 speed. (I was running at 4.0.)
* Picking healthy choices 9 times out of 10.
* And even bringing myself back up and standing up for myself when one guy decided the only thing he had to comment on in order to make me feel bad and intimidate me was to call me fat.
So, yes, I keep plugging away. Last night at the gym was my first weigh-in (at the gym, anyhow) under 320. I weighed in at 317.8 at 47% body fat. My fat mass has gone down even though my FFM has pretty much stayed the same, so I think that's very positive. It's been slow going, but it's going, and I'm proud of that...especially with the stress I've been under. I get my waist measurement today to see if that's gone down any.
And, what's more, I cannot WAIT for all of this to be over so I can devote myself to getting fit again. I'm looking forward to making healthy meals at home and working on my strength training again. I'm ready to get the ball rolling again. So maybe I needed this to show me:
1) I CAN work on relative auto-pilot and still do well.
2) Even in stressful situations, I can find time to work in a healthy lifestyle.
3) I WANT my truly healthy lifestyle control BACK!
So that's the short version of events that played out. It wasn't all negative, though it's hard to get over the stress of that one day.
I was told by several people that I was "awesome." Exact word each of them used.
I was thanked by random people at the reception for helping organize and do what needed to be done.
I was told by one girl that I was so "awesome" that she couldn't stop talking about me after our morning appointment (she was our hairdresser) to her husband and that if I was to ever move out there she just KNEW we'd be best of friends because I was so cool.
I danced a slow dance with my hairdresser's 6-year-old son, which was absolutely adorable!
I had guys hitting on me for sure!
I had our trainers from the feds come up to me specifically, each of them at separate times on the last day, to tell me that I was great at what I do and thank me for helping them by directing the questions and responses in the right direction.
And I had two male coworkers who, after they heard about the dude who was such a tool to me, and after seeing him in WV on Tuesday at the place we were training, offer to "take care of him" for me. *big grin* I have friends still, they just weren't were I expected them to be. :)
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