Monday, August 08, 2011
So, I know it's not exactly August 1st, but for me it kinda is. With all the crazy training nonsense in the past couple months, I've barely had a moment to breathe. I took the weekend off for the most part, rested my weary legs. I did run a bit on Saturday. Not a lot, though, just enough of a walk/run to get the dog home from G'ma's house (about a mile, maybe..). Yesterday I got all the back-to-school shopping done, so that's like a weight lifted off my shoulders, too.
So, today, August 8th, is my August 1st. And I'm ready to get the ball rolling again. No more excuses. No more "but there's no time!" There will never be time unless I MAKE time for it. So, most important to getting me back on track is logging where I am now and then setting some goals.
Actually, first off is to remind myself that I have the power to achieve these goals. And I'll do that by reminding myself how far I've come.
In April 2010, here were my starting Spark Stats:
Weight - 416.2
Waist - 56.25
Hips - 73
Neck - 17
Thigh - 32
Calf - 24
Upper Arm - 18
Body Fat % (taken when I started the gym program in like June/July?) - 53.3%
As of now, I am at:
Weight - 318.0
Waist - 46.75
Hips - 57
Neck - 14.5
Thigh - 24.5
Calf - 20
Upper Arm - 14.25
Body Fat % - 47%
That's a change in 16 months of:
Weight: -98 pounds!
Waist: -9.5 inches!
Hips: -16 inches!!
Neck: -2.5 inches!
Thigh: -7.5 inches!
Calf: -4 inches!
Upper Arm: -3.75 inches!
That's a total of at least 58.5 inches lost overall!!!
And I've lost 6.3% of my body fat (at least!)!!
Not too shabby! So I CAN do this. It CAN be done. I just have to recommit and stop letting myself fall victim to my own worst enemy - my self-doubt.
I've reset my goals.
The main goal is to reach 230, which should put me around 30% body fat, by the end of June 2012.
But the more immediate goal is to reach 298, a number that seems like a golden goose egg, yummy and wonderful and HUGE!
And even MORE immediate than that? Have my first consistent and consecutive 4 weeks of LOSS on the scale, no matter how small, I want to start the downward motion again.
And how will I do that? I can't just wish it away, that's for sure. If THAT worked I'd be skinny and fit by now! No, this takes work. Hard work! And I am NO stranger to HARD WORK! This isn't a new concept here. When my mom told me that I could work as soon as I turned 16 (and after I got a license/car), I went and filled out the application to work right after my birthday and started working soon after, filling up my evenings with dedication to whatever task was put before me. I'm good at that. Give me a task and I'll set my mind to achieve it. And that's just the fire I need to reignite in myself to get this show on the road once more.
So, my small goals to get back on track:
1. LOG! LOG! LOG! Good or bad or worse, you will log every calorie you consume whether from food or drink, a bite or a serving or a binge. It will be logged. Don't worry so much about the calorie counts as you do about logging. Don't avoid the log because you know you went over your calories. Log it anyway! Get back in the habit!
2. If you CAN get ahead of your calorie goals, try to stick between 1750 to 2100 calories. That does not mean you MUST be at or under 1750! That means anywhere in between those two numbers will do just fine. Even if it's 2099 calories, you're good. Stop thinking you have to achieve "better than perfection" to succeed.
3. Workouts need to become a regular thing again. Zumba on Tuesdays and Thursdays now that your schedule is back. Unless it's cancelled or you work short days. On those occassions, cross train on other equipment in a circuit training type deal...because you always loved those so much! Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays are running days, so enjoy the finishing of the C25k program, because I KNOW you have it in you! And running days will share the spotlight with Strength Training, because you KNOW you need that in this program. Cardio is never enough! You have to build those muscles to eat that fat to see results. Get back to lifting, remember how much you love the instant results?!
4. DRINK WATER! Seriously? It's 100 degrees outside and you've been avoiding water and drinking crap like Coke and Juice instead? If you ever needed water, now is the time! 8-10 glasses a day of good clean water. Save soda for special occassions...and by special I don't mean once a day or even once a week or month, but on those special treats every few months when a nice cold Coke just sounds so nice. It will mean more if you save it for special occassions!
5. Get back to Sparking like a Rockstar! I seriously have missed you all dearly. I apologize for my lack of participation in what you've been up to. Truth is, I've been reading blogs but not commenting...but I know that doesn't help you at all. That's me being selfish, not wanting to miss out on what my friends are up to but not taking the time to support them in a vocal manner. I sincerely apologize for that selfishness and I'm SO ready to get back on the commenting bandwagon. I'm ready to share the joy and experience and bumpy ride, to share the motivation, because as much as I know motivation comes within, I realize that by the sharing of experiences here we share a bit of our motivation as well. Self-motivation can be quick to fizzle out, but when we keep fueling the fire by sampling a bit of yours and giving you a bit of mine, well we all benefit from that. We stoke the fires and keep them burning. So I'm pulling out one of those old-age push air blower fire stoker thingys! Get ready to have your fire stoked again! :)
Goal for next week: 316 pounds
Goal for end of August: 312 pounds
Reward for reaching goal: Self-spa day and a Professional Haircut!
Reward for consistency even if I don't reach goal: Self-spa day!
I'm giving myself the credit and rewarding myself for what I CAN control! The rest is just icing on the proverbial cake! :)
Saturday, August 06, 2011
Finally got back last night around 10:30pm. We left at 1pm. We only live about 6 hours from DC, you do the math. In our desperate attempt to avoid a major traffic jam that shut down about 4 miles of 70W coming out of Maryland, we ended up wasting a couple hours. It was a hard trip back, but we made it!
So, how did everything go? Well, let's just say that my focus was not on eating healthy. Seriously, I got bit by a "I don't care" monster at the beginning of the trip and it took everything I had to control myself. That being said, I walked all our butts off nearly every single day we were there.
On Sunday, when we arrived, there were some issues with my work's payment of the hotel room causing me to have to pay for the first night out of my own pocket until I could speak to our accountant the next day and try to sort things out. Things were so up in the air that I didn't know if we'd be staying the whole week or not, so in an effort to not waste whatever time we had, we headed out to check out some of the DC sites. Now, my hotel was about 1/2 a mile from the National Mall. Hours later, and about 5 1/2 to 6 miles later, we returned tired as all get out. I took them to see the National Mall, the Washington Monument, the Lincoln Memorial, we caught a glimpse of the Jefferson Memorial across the way and the White House in the other direction, and we stopped by the WWII Memorial and looked up my grandpa in the system there (the picture was so great! An old picture from when he was young...he was such a handsome man!). When we returned, everyone was super sore and I was stressed about sorting everything out with my work, so sleep was hard to come by.
On Monday morning, THANKFULLY, everything was sorted out and I proudly let the kids and Hubs know we were there for the week. I decided to give them the night off. Grab groceries (about a mile walk, I'd guess?) and then stay in, go to the pool, rest. But by Tuesday, we were off again.
Every day I'd walk the nearly 1/2 a mile to my training, walk back for lunch, walk back after lunch, and then walk back to the hotel after class was over...so without any exploring at all I was averaging about 2 miles a day just shuttling myself back and forth.
On Tuesday we hit the Air and Space Museum before Hubs mentioned he was still sore from Sunday and we headed back.
On Wednesday, we headed down to the Natural History Museum and had to speed walk through it as they were closing early at 5:30pm (it looked like they were setting up for some sort of reception or gala), so we did a little "speed museum" before heading next door to the American History Museum, where we spent a little more time. Still tired and sore, we caught a cab back to the hotel (something none of my boys had experienced before either *lol*).
And then on Thursday, I gave them another 6 mile trek through DC as we rushed to the National Archives to view the important documents and walk through a room that was piping in the most delicious smell of apples! Then we headed up through the Ronald Regan building complex area, grabbed a pizza at Aria, headed up to the White House to get a better view, and then down to the Vietnam Wall and past the WWII Memorial and Washington Monument again to head back. Again, everyone was sore and tired when we got back.
So while I didn't pay much mind to calorie counts, and while we didn't run the National Mall every morning (or every other morning, actually) like I wanted (we were still too tired from the night before!), we did do a little running on the mall on Sunday night and Thursday night, and we walked so much I can't imagine it being a bad thing.
The scale says 320 again this morning, but I'm still quite sore and swollen so I expect that to go down some with some water intake today and a bit of rest this weekend. More importantly, this trip helped me clear my head from the tragedy that was the trip out west for my "friend's" wedding. I'm not lazy, we walked SO much! I'm not stupid, I did well in training and my instructor (who I had for week one back in December) remembered me and stated that he was so proud of my promotion and of the confidence I have built in my abilities in the job. I'm not selfish, I tried to accomplish what all the boys wanted to see, I listened when they needed a break, and I gave up some of the things I wanted to do to ensure that we all got to experience the city together.
And I cannot wait to get started on my healthy lifestyle again. I'm excited to take the next couple days to rest (other than returning the rental car here in a bit, and then a wedding of an actual friend at 2:30 today), to check on my garden (I spy tomatoes!!) and then to hit the gym hard next week and get this ball rolling again. When i met with the nutritionist before I left, we set 3 small goals.
1. Cook at home at least 2 times this week.
2. Start logging again and get back into Spark. (I miss you all and need your support to succeed!)
3. Drink at least 8-10 glasses of water EVERY SINGLE DAY.
It's all about baby steps, right? I'm excited to get back to running, but my feet are simply raw today from this week. Hoping that's cleared up by Monday so I can get a run in. The stage will be set and the major goal facing me right now is in my head. The challenge will begin to not only get back under 320, but to get under 300. I'm ready for Deuceland, and I think it's finally ready for me.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Wow! I can't believe the last time I blogged was on July 17th. It's not because I was hiding or wasn't "living healthy" or anything like that. I didn't give up at all. I just had no time to myself.
And I don't have much time this morning either as I have an appointment at the gym at 10am, and I'm going to attempt to get a run in right after, before the real craziness starts up again. But I needed to recap you all on what's been happening, so here's the VERY short version of it.
We missed our flight, but they rescheduled us for a later flight at no cost.
When we finally made it to Vegas, we checked in, walked around for a while, and then headed back to our room to sleep off the massive exhaustion from a LOOOONG day.
Thursday morning I woke up and went for a run on the treadmill in the hotel gym before we went out walking the strip to shop a little bit before the bride arrived. Then we hit Mandalay's pool, which was awesome! (And i got a little sunburn on the back of my legs, which was not awesome.)
Bride came in around 5pm. We had dinner, changed, and went out to party. It didn't go well. They were all looking to me to find the perfect party spot, but I've only been to Vegas ONCE. I did the best I could but the night was ruined by the groom who had gotten drunk and high and I was forced to take care of him so he didn't end up in a Vegas jail cell two days before his wedding.
We had about 3 hours of sleep and then spent the whole day running around finishing up chores for the wedding. We ate breakfast at 8:30am before checking out, and then not again until 9pm at the "rehearsal dinner" that really wasn't anything of the sort.
On wedding day, I spent the day doing my duties, plus more. As the only married person, I had to direct everyone where to go and what to do because the rehearsal had never happened.
I hit a rut in the grass in my heels while walking out after the ceremony, twisted my ankle and fell down. Special, right?
I organized everyone so the photographer could take pictures, and then we were off to the reception where I ended up organizing again. Setting the DJ up for the announcement of the couple, directing people where to go, cutting the cake and serving it, serving champagne for the toasts, giving a toast off the cuff.
And then I partied. And people fell in love with me. THAT was a good night. I got told by people young and old that I was "awesome," I shook my booty on the dance floor, yes, I drank too much, and then I crashed.
And then Sunday came, and AM and I got stuck out in the middle of the desert at a house with no contact other than wifi to the outside world and we were bored and hungry and had no transportation, so when the bride showed up at 9pm I asked her "WTF?" and it turned into a fight where she said I was being mean and refused to speak to me again, and then her "best man" decided to yell at me, tell me I was a "fat, selfish b!tch" and block my way to the car. I cried for 2 hours, ate once the entire day, and they pawned us off onto the new MIL for a ride to Vegas to the airport. We got to the airport at 1:15am and had to wait until 4am to even check in for our 6am flight.
I was SOOO happy to be home!
So, yes, it was a bit of a bust. I spent way too much money and felt used yet again. My so-called friend is likely not the friend I thought she was and I still feel a little raw over the whole thing.
And then I came home to a weeklong training, wherein they didn't NOT feed us, like in Utah, but they decided to feed us every 2 hours. UGH! I was good most days and ate as healthy as possible. I did have 4 warm chocolate chip cookies in 3 days, but I'm not too worried about that.
I got a run in on Wednesday night, where I decided to work on my speed a bit in some intervals because that seemed more fun than drudging myself through a 25 minute run. Still trying to get back my stamina from taking a couple days off from being sick and then a couple days off from being abused in Utah.
Last night I had a meeting with the nutritionist, where we talked about taking baby steps starting August 7th. I leave tomorrow for DC for another training and I just can't think beyond that right now. I hope to run the National Mall again like I did last year. I hope to walk around everywhere and show my 3 boys (yes, including Hubs) the nation's capital because none of them have ever been. And I'm staying at the hotel with the kitchen again so I can cook some meals 'at home' and eat healthy that way.
And, as I said, I have another meeting this morning, this time with the exercise physiologist. No clue how that's going to go. I want to work out, but I'm tired all the time from being so busy. And I don't think I've been slacking off - I've been getting it in wherever and whenever I can, but it hasn't been full-on, full-force because there just isn't time for that right now. Still, I'm proud of myself (and I told the nutritionist that last night). I had a crazy few weeks of stress and things being completely out of my control and I still managed:
* A run in Vegas, followed by walking the strip all day and night.
* Lots of running around to get wedding plans done.
* Acting as wedding planner/coordinator.
* Dancing a TON! (My legs hurt for days because I danced so hard that night! *lol*)
* Doing 30 laps in the pool on Sunday (about 15 full laps...wasn't that big of a pool).
* Getting a run in on Wednesday where I got up to 4.5 speed. (I was running at 4.0.)
* Picking healthy choices 9 times out of 10.
* And even bringing myself back up and standing up for myself when one guy decided the only thing he had to comment on in order to make me feel bad and intimidate me was to call me fat.
So, yes, I keep plugging away. Last night at the gym was my first weigh-in (at the gym, anyhow) under 320. I weighed in at 317.8 at 47% body fat. My fat mass has gone down even though my FFM has pretty much stayed the same, so I think that's very positive. It's been slow going, but it's going, and I'm proud of that...especially with the stress I've been under. I get my waist measurement today to see if that's gone down any.
And, what's more, I cannot WAIT for all of this to be over so I can devote myself to getting fit again. I'm looking forward to making healthy meals at home and working on my strength training again. I'm ready to get the ball rolling again. So maybe I needed this to show me:
1) I CAN work on relative auto-pilot and still do well.
2) Even in stressful situations, I can find time to work in a healthy lifestyle.
3) I WANT my truly healthy lifestyle control BACK!
So that's the short version of events that played out. It wasn't all negative, though it's hard to get over the stress of that one day.
I was told by several people that I was "awesome." Exact word each of them used.
I was thanked by random people at the reception for helping organize and do what needed to be done.
I was told by one girl that I was so "awesome" that she couldn't stop talking about me after our morning appointment (she was our hairdresser) to her husband and that if I was to ever move out there she just KNEW we'd be best of friends because I was so cool.
I danced a slow dance with my hairdresser's 6-year-old son, which was absolutely adorable!
I had guys hitting on me for sure!
I had our trainers from the feds come up to me specifically, each of them at separate times on the last day, to tell me that I was great at what I do and thank me for helping them by directing the questions and responses in the right direction.
And I had two male coworkers who, after they heard about the dude who was such a tool to me, and after seeing him in WV on Tuesday at the place we were training, offer to "take care of him" for me. *big grin* I have friends still, they just weren't were I expected them to be. :)
Sunday, July 17, 2011
...apparently my mind thinks I can eat enough for 2. *sigh* Yeah, yesterday had its good and bad parts.
I blogged. That felt good. I felt better about the week after I put it all down and reflected on how well I got thorough the challenges I faced.
And then I suited up and headed to the gym for a run. And I made it through. And when there were 8 minutes left of my run and I could hear myself counting down minutes, I made myself imagine hitting and breaking through the wall. I don't know that it will ever be "easy" but it certainly was an easy run for me. I felt good. I didn't even NOTICE the time until about 15 minutes in. Again, much more than I could've said just a month ago.
And after my run, I headed home, showered, changed, and put on my face to head to Charleston to meet AM to shop for shoes for the wedding. And I found some. And while I had some negative moments of hating my feet (they're getting less plump, but it seems I will always deal with high arches and that hinders my shoe choices. And I'll always have this bump on my foot, which a doctor once told me was a calcium deposit. And, it seems, I will always think my size 11 feet are big and ugly (though I do like them much better now). Still, I found my shoes. What I didn't find was Born to Run at the bookstore. BOO! (I was going to read it on my LONG flight from Chicago to Las Vegas on Wednesday.)
And before we shopped, we lunched at Panera, where I was a good girl and ate healthy and really enjoyed it (it was my first meal of the day, which may have not been the best idea I've ever had...). And I drank water. But there was a moment after lunch when I felt a little out of sorts, and I can't describe it any better than that. I actually walked right into a parked car in the parking lot. Something was off...
But after shopping, I headed home. Hubs had called me when I was at the bookstore asking where I was, which always means he's missing me (because he can go DAYS without calling me no problem, but I had only been gone a couple hours and he was ringing me up. ....ooh, I feel so British now with the "ringing me" thing!).
And when I got home I was already exhausted, yes...but I had more on my plate. I ate 1/2 of the cinnamon crunch bagel I had bought at Panera (because I'd heard such good things about it) with honey walnut cream cheese while I watched Rango with the little one. (Verdict? A little too sweet for my taste...at least the top half was. I'm funny when it comes to stuff like this. I can sit and eat an entire big bag of chocolate covered pretzels, but then a cinnamon crunch bagel does me in? And half at that! AND - Rango was cute. Nothing really to go all crazy over with the "SEE THIS" recommendations, but it was cute. Hubs laughed a LOT, and he only watched the first half.)
Then I headed to the grocery store, but not before taking my youngest out to dinner wherever he wanted. He chose the Chinese buffet. *face/palm* And as much as you try to be good at a Chinese buffet, well, the sodium is enough (especially after the week I had!) to do me in. It didn't feel good...and it felt like a bad day because my morning run felt like an entire lifetime ago.
Grocery shopping went well. About $210 worth of groceries for $86. And I got some frozen grilled/cooked fish that I can just cook up real quick when I need something healthy fast. (As much as I hate relying upon quick "health" meals like this and Lean Cuisines, I'm realizing that I need to have them on hand for those days when I just can't muster standing at the stove for an hour cooking something healthy from scratch.)
And when I got home, we put the groceries away and I sat down to rest. And then I ate a 3 Musketeers bar (which we got for free thanks to sales and coupons...but free cost doesn't mean it doesn't cost me in calories). And later, I decided I needed comfort food, which amounted to a bowl of tomato soup with, not one, but two grilled cheese sandwiches, with not one, but two pieces of cheese on each one. *face/palm*
By the time evening had rolled around, I had crammed so much into my day that I didn't even really remember the morning except as you do the day before. You know when you think, "Man, my run yesterday was great! Can't wait to have another one like that?" I kept having those moments, except it hadn't happened the day before, it was all crammed into the same day.
Not to mention that my oldest son (11) went to a "birthday party" yesterday. He was dropped off around 3pm and around 9 he called to say he'd call at 10pm....and then he didn't call. So we had a bunch of drama last night wherein we picked him up (basically dragged him out and more than likely embarrassed him... *GOOD!*) around 11pm and had a LONG discussion about the rules of our house and reminder that he's 11, not 18, and he has to follow the rules. It was stressful, and it meant me not getting to bed until about 3am, and even then falling asleep on the couch, and then having the most horrible nightmares wherein my youngest was in danger each and every time. GRRR!
So, yes, yesterday was a high-calorie day. Way high. Too high for me to even want to think about mentioning right now. (Did I mention I drank 2 glasses of regular Pepsi, and that even with all the sodium I've consumed lately, somehow I managed to not drink ANY water after my shopping trip? *sigh*) So I woke up this morning tired, sluggish, and still sore from my run (sore in my abs, of all places...my form was pretty stellar yesterday and I felt all bouncy, but it required me to stabilize my core, something I've been working on lately to overcome my back issues. I must say, my back wasn't totally screaming at me after my run, so it seems to be helping.) I knew I could either feel guilty about yesterday and the 2 pound gain on the scale and the bloating and swelling from sodium overload and dehydration, or I could forgive myself and move on.
So, what did I do?
Well, yesterday was my cheat day. Today I'm back at it. About to down a full glass of water and remind myself it's only the first one of very many today. I hate the bloat feeling and I want it gone! (And I remember when I used to feel this way every single day...so knowing that I can control it is a powerful thing for me.)
Forgiveness. Letting go. And living in the moment. I just hope today isn't quite as long. As much as I like my weekends and want to get the most out of them, yesterday exhausted me! Today a friend has scheduled a "swim party"...and I don't want to go, but the kids do. I'd rather go to the lake because I'd feel more like it was MY weekend. This friend is a coworker, and when I see coworkers too much on the weekend, it makes me feel like the work week is TOO LONG! *lol* So we'll see what I can get away with getting out of for the sake of me (I still need to do a ton of laundry and start packing for Vegas!) and then I'm going to find something *I* want to do and do it. I think it might be some game time with the boys tonight.
I think what I might NEED though, is some me time. And that sounds horribly selfish to me right now because I haven't seen much of the boys lately as either they or I have been off doing things. But even though I was out of town 3 of 6 days this week...and 2 more of those days I was in Charleston, and even though I wasn't home much this week, I spent almost the entire week doing, or thinking about, work and/or training. So, yeah, I've done a lot this week for others...for the past few weeks actually...and I just feel like I need some me time, all me. A nice hot bath maybe. Maybe even a nap. I don't know what shape it will take, but somehow I have to pencil it in for myself in place of:
The swim party I promised my friend I would go to to celebrate her birthday.
The time on Kinect Adventures/Sports I promised my youngest I'd do with him.
The laundry I need to get done for my trip to my friend's wedding.
The dinner(s?) I need to batch cook this evening for dinners and lunches this week.
And the episode of True Blood Hubs will expect me to be ready to watch with him at 10pm (is it 10?).
It sounds stupid when I say it like that. These are not bad things. I enjoy all of these things (well, not laundry, but the reason I'm doing it, yes). But they aren't FOR ME. It's the difference between my to do list activities and my down time activities. I feel like I don't have a choice in the matter of the things on my list, because they NEED to be done. And I want to do something for me.
...I just hope I can give myself that, instead of resorting to my back-up to do list of things that always seem to need to be done but I never get around to doing, or things that probably should get done today if I have the time. Like walking the dog. I've been sucking at that lately. Or mowing the grass or doing the dishes or cleaning the bathroom. All these things should get done, but how do I balance the responsibilities of what needs to be done with what my mental state needs? Here's to hoping I figure that out today...somehow.
And, dag nab it, here's to drinking LOTS of water, doing something active today, cooking healthy meals, and eating ON TARGET!
And, speaking of things I must do...my training schedule for the next week or so, including my Vegas/Utah Wedding weekend, which presents it's own challenges:
**SUN - 30m cardio of any sort
**MON - W7D3 C25k
**TUE - Zumba!
**WED - W8D1 C25k (I HOPE! Going to be in Vegas, and the hotel gym costs 20 bucks a day, so if I do this I have to get brave enough to run on the strip...eek!)
**THR - 60 minutes cardio (Which, let's face it, will probably involve walking and dancing because it's bachelorette party day in Vegas.)
**FRI - W8D2 C25k (This should be easier to complete, since I'll be in Utah. What will be the issue is finding some time to do it in between driving from Vegas to Utah and the Rehearsal that evening...)
**SAT - 60 min cardio OR Rest day (Okay, let's face it, if I do cardio, it will likely be dancing as it's wedding day for my friend. I have something else I MUST concentrate on and I want to have fun, so I may just take the day "off" in terms of getting cardio in. If I do, I'll call it a rest day and be fine with that because on the next day, we have a plan....)
**SUN - 60 min cardio (Which shouldn't be a problem AT ALL, and we'll likely do more than that as we plan to do some hiking in the beautiful canyons in Utah. I want to hike and take pictures and forget about workouts and just make it the most enjoyable day of pure activity ever. Who knows when or if I'll ever get to Utah again? I must admit, it's never been on my Top 25 or 100 or even 125 places to visit...Oops! ;) )
**MON - W8D3 C25k (Which shouldn't be a problem as my flight gets back in around 3pm so I'll have some time in the evening and I think the run will help with any plane swelling I might get. I'd even have time for a nap before my run to refresh myself! :))
Saturday, July 16, 2011
So, yeah, this week was super hard. More than I expected, but I found my way through somehow.
Monday - work, with a training stuck in the middle, followed by W7D1 of C25k. I'm feeling stronger as a runner. I'm feeling more like a runner every day. I know I'll still have bad days, bad runs, but it's fun to get through one fully and then realize that I couldn't do this just a month ago. I remember when I started back, and thinking "This is going to KILL me!" and knowing I've powered through and built up this amazing stamina that a girl of 300+ pounds shouldn't likely have makes me feel accomplished each and every time I finish a run and can say, "I did it!"
Tuesday - Training out of town. I tried to be on my best behavior, and, for the most part, I think I did pretty well. I stuck in workouts where I could. Sitting forever killed my butt, but it was just another reminder that I don't have quite as much cushioning there anymore which means I'm still getting smaller and stronger and closer to my goals. I have to say that the elliptical at the hotel's gym was super difficult. The stride was super long and it put me in not the best position...which is part of the reason I think I got some back pain (that and all the sitting). But I covered the timer with a towel and watched the US girls soccer team kick Brazil's butt and generally busted my way through it.
I felt nervous in training. Me, just lil 'ole me who doesn't have the opportunity right now to pursue anything like law school (which I would love to do) in a room full of lawyers. I felt like I hadn't earned my seat. But after powering through a workout, I changed my tune. I deserved every bit of being there. I am strong, and have worked my way up the ranks at my job into a position which allows me to remind myself, "I have a badge from the state. I do enforcement of the law too. That is just as important as what THEY do." I went to bed feeling more sure of myself, and I carried that with me the rest of the week.
And when this little tiny teeny-bopper walked in the gym, she smiled at me. And when I left the hot tub (that, again, was NOT hot! *lol*) she wanted to chat with me. I had this sense that she looked up to me. That she didn't see me as that old fat lady. She joked and laughed about the hot tub with me, and I saw this look on her like, "You are awesome!" even though she didn't say anything of the sort to me.
Wednesday - I woke up and tried to run. And, yes, I didn't make it through my run, stopping after about 20 minutes (15 of that running), because of back pain. I didn't want to put myself out of the game, so I stopped to save myself. And I tried not to think, "You couldn't do it." I reminded myself again how far I've come, and reminded myself that there would be more runs, more chances to prove myself to myself. I headed up to my room drenched in sweat, so I couldn't say I hadn't worked hard. And when I stripped down to get in the shower and saw myself in the mirror out of the corner of my eye, I saw the shrinking me. I didn't see HUGE girl, I saw the girl that is getting smaller, the girl that was looking more like she's always wanted to look. I still want this belly GONE like NOW, but I see improvements in that direction.
At training, I was still a bit nervous, but I grew into myself a bit that day. In a room full of attorneys, I had intelligent conversations and held my own. I argued my way out of doing something that I didn't feel was necessary for the purposes of what I do. I played a part in the role play, one of only 4 in my group, and I got compliments from the attorneys in the room. When I left that day, I felt like we had formed some bond of some sort, however tenuous and short-lived. We had shared something, and I think they realized that I could hold my own in the room, something I realized as well. And I realized that they were just people, and that we all had our parts to do in the legal/justice system of our state. They have bar identification numbers, but I still have my badge.
I left that day tired, exhausted, but full of thoughts of how I can further my career. I know that this field can be a lifelong career, but I don't want to stay just where I am now forever. I want to learn more, grow, and become the best at what I do...and then I want to do more. I'm still young, I've got time to move on and become a great cog in this most important wheel of government. When I finally went home, I fought with Hubs. Partly out of frustration, partly out of exhaustion, but it felt good to know that we've come far enough in our relationship that this fight would not lead to all-out war. We argue, we make up. We've come so far! And a lot of that I credit to me knowing my worth in the relationship, so he doesn't have to waste so much of his time reminding me. (Which he still does on a nearly daily basis anyhow.)
Thursday - It was back to work. One day this week when I'd actually get to handle some of my caseload. I tried my hardest, but you can't always make people you want to talk to have the time to talk to you that moment. I had to move things around, reschedule, and make plans to talk next week, but I knew I was moving on my cases, and making things happen. I also spent a fair amount of time with a co-worker, asking them to lead me through things, training me in things that seem to come naturally to them now and they forget that since I'm still learning, I simply do not know all that's required of me. I asked questions, got answers, and felt a little more sure of myself in my role.
And then I went straight home. I cooked the dinner I planned out almost a week ago, had enough time for about 2 bites and then headed out to the gym for Zumba class. And she worked us...HARD! (My abs STILL hurt today!) And I was sore, and tired, and in a little bit of discomfort with my back, but I pushed through...and I could tell my classmates could see the strain on my face, but I powered through it. And as I'm jumping from one place to another, I could hear that voice in my head say, "Look how far you've come!" I never used to be able to keep up so well. I still have room for improvement, but I have gone from a girl that couldn't even TURN due to knee problems, to the runner girl (as my Zumba instructor calls me) that can jump around and kick her leg high and has even been the example from time to time. It felt good and when it ended, the line dancing instructor turned around (he takes our class in from time to time since it follows his own) and said, "Well, you survived!" and I knew that was the important thing. I went home with pride (and then finally finished my dinner! *lol*)
And then I went to see a midnight showing of Harry Potter, and ate too much popcorn and some peanut M&Ms, but that's neither here nor there. *lol* What I noticed is how easily I fit in the seats, how good I move around now, how I don't get out of breath walking around because I could technically run the route from the bathroom to the theatre and to the concession stand and back no problem. I noticed that no one noticed me. Okay, one person gave me one of those old familiar looks, but only one. The rest just passed by me without a second thought, and it felt good to feel normal.
Friday - With only about 4 hours of sleep, I drove myself and two coworkers 2 hours away to yet another training session. And, yes, I got a sausage mcmuffin on the way. I never get them anymore, and as I ate it, I remembered the old days of eating one every morning and I felt okay with myself. Sure, it didn't fit in with my goals of the day, but it still shows me that I'm doing better than I used to do. I had one. It could fit calorie wise if I let it, and I knew that. And as we headed out on our drive, I didn't let myself talk dirty to myself.
At training, somehow, I met myself there. That sounds odd, but I kept surprising myself. The first surprise was walking right up to two guys we didn't know and asking if there was room at their table for us. They said there was. And I didn't pick just anyone, I picked the best looking dude in the room. *lol* And, yes, I flirted quite innocently. And I believe he flirted back, also innocently. There was nothing sneaky about it, just innocent flirting, with little tidbits about husbands and wives and kids throughout the day as well. I remember being this girl once, the girl who didn't think "I'm too fat, they won't like me" and just flirted away. I can't help it...and if my mother is any indication, I'll never change. I cannot tell you how many waiters she has flirted with (and continues to!) in my lifetime! *lol* And it felt good to not feel so out of place, to feel more normal.
And later in the day, I networked like a bad@ss. I worked the room. I let people know who I was. I let my expertise shine. And then I received one of the best compliments I have ever gotten from one of my supervisors, who gave that compliment in front of the Commissioners I work with/for. As he told them I was one of the most versatile employees on staff, and he touted me up to them, I felt pride and recognition. And I thanked him and thanked them all and felt better about my situation than I have in a long time. He's not one to easily give compliments, so earning one unexpectedly felt so amazing...and I rode that high the rest of the day.
And, yes, I went out with Hubs last night and ate a little too much at dinner. And, yes, I skipped my workout because I knew my body needed it. But I woke up today feeling better about myself. And the scale knows that I'm working my way through the challenges as well. Last night I was so swollen from the week of salt and sitting that I physically hurt. And this morning, I got 318.4 again...which means I'm still on target to lose weight this week if I keep working hard. But, somehow and for some reason, that number doesn't mean so much to me today. What means the most is knowing that I faced a week of challenges that could undue the efforts of the best of us. I faced a week of things not being in my control, and I worked through them. I maintained my weight and my focus all week, and it was a trying week, to say the least. So what means the most is waking up with the pride of knowing I can continue to do this.
It doesn't get easier, you just get better.
And, baby, I'm getting better every day at facing life's little challenges and not just making it through, but striving.
I'm not where I want to be yet, but I get closer each and every day.
That knowledge is worth more than any pounds lost according to Mr. Scale.
#$*@ it! Just GO!
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