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Good Runs and Bad Runs and Needing to Go

Sunday, July 03, 2011

Wednesday's run was difficult, to say the least. I felt like I was moving with bricks on my feet. I didn't properly hydrate before heading out and was left with dry mouth for the entire time. I set out with the mindset that I had already run 20 minutes straight, so this one was going to be simple. Week 6 Day 1: 5 minute warm-up, jog 5 minutes, walk 3 minutes, jog 8 minutes, walk 3 minutes, jog 5 minutes, 5 minute cool down. Each run was like trying to pull a loaded carriage up a long hill. I tried to talk positively to myself, but it just wasn't working for me. Each run got harder, but I can credit myself with one thing - I did not stop running until my program said to walk. I did it. I completed it. It was hard and it hurt a bit. I was straining with each step and begging for mercy, but I kept going. And I had a completed day to show for it. I told myself that every runner had bad days, bad runs, and I hoped that the next one would bring me back to my "You can DO THIS!" mindset.

Forced Smile
Total Time: 34:23
Total Distance: 2.06 miles
Average Pace: 16'40/mile
Calories Burned: 375

Friday's run DID go a lot better. Not only did I feel more runnerly and my legs actually felt light and mobile, but I tackled the monster hill on the side street we live next to. Usually I get to this hill and turn around, but on Friday I got to the hill and for some reason I just kept going.

The only problem with Friday? Well, just like in Myrtle Beach, I got up, went potty, put on my running gear, grabbed a few swigs of water, and then headed out. And just like in Myrtle Beach, I felt the need to go poo on my way back. It's no secret that my stomach has been completely screwed up. And I know why it's been that way for the most part. Eating crap leads to horrible digestive habits and irregular bowel movements. I'm not a dummy, this I know. What I didn't expect is having run too far and feeling the need to GO right now and not making it back in time. For me, runs help regulate my body in that it works as a laxative...but I only have this problem on morning runs. It's something I'm going to have to think about and deal with. I'm hoping with some adjustment to my diet it won't be a problem anymore, but we shall see. Anyone else suffer with running giving them the need to GO RIGHT NOW?!

The result was me running more than was called for, trying to get home quickly. I wish I could simply rejoice in this run, but it only seems to highlight my need to get my diet/eating back on track.

Total Time: 35:42
Total Distance: 2.21 miles
Average Pace: 16'09
Calories Burned: 408

Yesterday I took the family out for what I wanted to call a "recovery hike." *lol* It seems I'm not so good at taking it easy, especially when my husband is with me. Hubs has always walked SUPER fast, and I used to not be able to keep up at all. Even at the grocery store I'd yell at him to stop running. Now I generally keep up pretty well, but yesterday he was in hyper drive. I wanted us to go farther, but the gravel trail was much harder on all of us than I expected. Maybe it was the heat. *shrug* Either way, we were out for about an hour and I got in a good workout at least.

We went to a place called Cairo, WV. Tiny old town. You honestly feel like you're stepping back in time. We toured an old bank and saw antiques from the 1800's and early 1900's. The old guy giving the tour was so very excited about showing anyone who would listen all the things the Rail Trail Society had collected over time. *lol* We headed out after the tour and headed into North Bend State Park, finding an access road to the North Bend Rail Trail, which covers 71 miles and 4-5 counties east to west across WV. It's a mostly gravel trail (okay, from the mile we saw of it *lol*) and is spotted with old tunnels. We crossed through 2 tunnels. Okay, 1 and a half. *lol* Tunnel #13 was fine, but tunnel 12 was CREEPY!! We turned around and hurried back out of it in record time! *lol*

On our way back through tunnel #13, I challenged my 9 year old to a race. The tunnel length was 353 feet. I turned to him, smiled and said, "Race ya?" He smiled back and our oldest called out the "ready, set, go" and we were off. I tried to pace myself, figuring he'd go all out and wear down before the end. And after dodging the Hubs and running into each other once, we finally made it to the just steps ahead of my 9 year old (I had a little gas left in the tank at the end...I had saved it. He was all out. :)). The rest of the way back I kept thinking to myself, "The girl last year would not have even thought to challenge a 9 year old who is so full of energy. This year? I won the race! HA!" *proud grin*

Me in front of Tunnel 13, which we raced through. This is on the way there, though, not after the race. I was drenched in sweat by the end of the hike and especially after the race. Ethan said there was a face of sweat on my back. Two eyes over my shoulder blades, and then a line across the bottom of my back. *lol* I should've had him take a picture!

Total Hike Time: about 60 minutes
Total Distance: about 2.5 miles
Average pace: about 22 1/2 minutes per mile
Calories burned: about 400

Now for the confession of a plan that has hatched. Tomorrow our little town is hosting its 4th annual 2-mile firecracker run through town. The race starts just 1/2 hour before the parade, so there is always a huge crowd lined up for the parade that simply become the crowd that cheers for runners that come by beforehand. For years I've wanted to participate, but didn't think I could do 2 miles, and then didn't think I could do them without embarrassing myself. This year? I care less about what the crowd will be thinking, and more about the fact that I now have the ability to do a 2-mile run...and I just might be able to run most, if not all of it. Week 6 Day 3 falls on tomorrow's calendar. Warm-up 5 minutes, 25 minute run, 5 minute cool-down. So even if I just stuck to that, I'd have my 2 miles. I can't tell you how I'm going to run/walk it. But I'm pretty set on the idea of actually doing it. And I'm going to watch what I eat today so I don't have a repeat of Friday's TMI run (should be fun with the birthday party at the pizza joint tonight! *sigh*). I'm trying not to think too much about who might be there, what might happen, and I'm only thinking, "Just try. Just do your best." Or like my challenge -- "*#&@ it! Just GO!"

I'll let you know how it turns out as the adventures in running from this FitFat girl STILL continue...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGIRL06 7/6/2011 11:26AM

    Ooooh can't wait to see if you did the race!
And might be TMI but I have the SAME stomach issues. Stupid morning runs. And it doesnt matter for me if I ate healthy or not! Please let me know if you figure out a fix. LoL!

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TRACYZABELLE 7/6/2011 8:36AM


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MADDEELOU 7/4/2011 5:01PM

    FitFat and Fabulous! Hope you enjoyed the 2 mile race. Happy 4th!!

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MAGPIE17 7/4/2011 10:14AM

    Hope the race today goes/went well!

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 7/3/2011 3:26PM

    Congratulations on all your runs. You are going GREAT. emoticon

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JESSICA2140 7/3/2011 11:31AM

    :) That happens to me with ANY morning exercise...I've never been able to find a permanent solution for it. :( If I'm going to go do something outside, I try to do a quick 15 min. of cardio in the house to "get things moving" so I can go before I have to leave the helps, but doesn't completely erase the problem.

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TEAM-SARAH 7/3/2011 11:12AM

    Oh boy do I EVER have the morning run poo problems. It's pretty consistent for me. I get absolutely anxious if I have to go out for a morning run (like with a training group) and I haven't got in a poo yet... because I know it's about 50% likely to happen during the run and likely to be urgent enough that if I'm not in a reasonable proximity to the bathroom I'll have to walk. The last run I was pacing I HAD to stop and go at this starbucks and I felt so bad because I had to make my pace group stop and wait for me! haha so... could be worse! Last summer when I was marathon training it was really hot so i'd get up to run and beat the heat and seriously at least a couple of my runs every week I'd have to stop and I'd learned where all the bathrooms were and would try not to get too far away from them if I was feeling iffy! one time I was kind of far from a bathroom and I was walking absoluted PANICKED and near tears that I was not going to make it and myself. mortifying!! haha I NEVER have this problem in the afternoon/evening runs so it really sucks!! I always worry about the same thing during races, especially in warmer weather. ugh man... so yeah that is normal! haha unless we are weird!

Can't wait to hear how the firecracker run goes!!

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For Freedom!!

Saturday, July 02, 2011

Okay, Esther. Time to get real. The challenge has begun. The pieces have been set and are ready to move. You only have two real choices: either get your gloves on and get ready to fight, or give up completely. Whatever you do DO NOT GIVE UP!

*#&@ it! Just GO!

emoticon Since February you've gotten complacent. You gave in to temptation and started thinking maybe it was too hard.
*#&@ it! Just GO!

emoticon You've eaten what you wanted. You've logged inconsistently. You've allowed yourself way too many cheats and then wonder why you aren't getting where you want to go.
*#&@ it! Just GO!

emoticon You got the crazy idea you weren't worth the time and energy it took to get to where you're going.
*#&@ it! Just GO!

emoticon You got scared. Scared both of what you may and may not accomplish. You were afraid you'd never run. You were afraid if you did what people would think.
*#&@ it! Just GO!

emoticon You didn't want to admit to yourself and to everyone else that you were happy where you were for a little while. And while you mentally wanted more, you also thought it was okay to simply enjoy how far you had come without worry. You went into maintenance mode and then flooded yourself with thoughts that having more might never happen for you.
*#&@ it! Just GO!

emoticon You saw friends who started with you pass you by and you figured yourself out of the race once again. You started comparing your success with theirs. You started thinking your successes weren't enough.
*#&@ it! Just GO!

emoticon You gave into a weak mentality due to illness and injury. You felt lost, alone, and worried that you would never find your way again.
*#&@ it! Just GO!

GO! Fight for what you want!
GO! Be what you know you can be!
GO! Challenge your own expectations!
GO! Shock yourself!
GO! Put one foot in front of the other!
GO! Be real with yourself!
GO! Revel in your accomplishments without letting your will slide!
GO! Put miles on your shoes!
GO! Crunch like you've never crunched before!
GO! Take care of yourself!

Go see the victories you've wanted for yourself by being honest, by tracking what you've done, by making a plan and sticking to it, by never being complacent again. You know what you want. You just crossed the starting line for lap two and the warm-up phase is over. It's time to take off running. It's time to do what you know you can to get where you know you can go. The finish line is ever ahead. Look up to where you're going. Keep your eye on the prize. And no matter how slow you go or how long it takes, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER GIVE UP!

*#&@ doubt!
*#&@ indecision!
*#&@ fear!
*#&@ everyone, including yourself, who thought it couldn't be done!

The challenge starts TODAY! And TODAY is just as important as every other day! Do not give in to fear. Fight negative thoughts with the positive self-talk you've fortified with each run! Reset your ticker to 320.2, the weigh-in from the gym yesterday, and JUST GO! Track everything. Make healthy meals. Eat what you know you should. Run like you know you can. Strength train and box and row and swim and hike and dance and fight for every fitness minute logged.

Rain, sunshine, clouds, strong winds, heat, humidity, tired legs, long nights, difficult obstacles...
*#&@ IT! JUST GO!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CMHARRISON12 7/5/2011 9:22PM

    LOVED THIS BLOG!! Thanks for sharing!! emoticon emoticon

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LADYINOHIO 7/5/2011 5:05PM

    That's right, no giving up!
I've seen you go at it hard-core before, and I know I'll see it again.


Comment edited on: 7/5/2011 5:06:11 PM

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    emoticonthis is for you and everything you learn on the journey is a very important step.

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GOGOSHIRE 7/2/2011 1:34PM

    Nice post! Love this! Yes, don't give up, because then you just have to start over again later. And starting over sort of sucks a lot, imho!

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RUSSELLORAMA 7/2/2011 12:44PM

    GO! We all owe it to ourselves to just keep moving forward.

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SEEHOLZ 7/2/2011 12:17PM

    NEVER EVER GIVE UP!!! Sooo flipping true.. the only thing that has kept me going at times, too.

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ANEPANALIPTI 7/2/2011 11:15AM


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When 20 Minutes is Like 20 Miles

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Monday, June 27, 2011

My stomach was turning all day. In part because it was still messed up from Friday's fiasco/sudden illness. But more in part because I had 20 minutes of straight running ahead of me.

Around 4pm, I started surfing for inspirational quotes. I fed myself a healthy diet of positive energy and kept telling myself I could do it. "Step by step," I told myself. By 5:30pm I was already telling myself that it was okay if I couldn't do it. I soon turned myself around again. I couldn't think like that. Sure, it might not happen, I would have to listen to my body, but I would never make it through if I thought I couldn't. As I tell my boys all the time - "Whether you think you can or think you can't - you're right." I chose to think I could.

The drive home from work took longer than usual as I kept delaying it, putting it off, worrying about it. Thankfully, I knew I had at least one stop in front of me as I had to get gas in my car and pick up some mushrooms for a recipe. Still, for the entire 50 miles I laughed at myself as my brain started picking apart things that felt hurt on my body - trying to give me reasons (excuses, really) to put it off.

By 7pm I was home. The weather looked slightly threatening, overcast, but it certainly didn't look like the rain was looming too much. I laughed again and yelled in my head to myself, to the world -- "DO YOUR WORSE! YOU CAN'T STOP ME!"

I put on my compression capris from Old Navy and they felt wrong. I didn't care.
I put on my Nike sports bra, which got all rolled up as I was sweating in the house already. I laughed.
I put on my Champion T-shirt and stroked the logo for luck.
Under Armour socks. Nike shoes. I was branded out and ready to go.

I stepped outside my door, set my Nike + GPS program and started my C25k program for Week 5, Day 3. "It's ON!" I thought.

I was nervous for the entire 5 minute walk, so the positive self-talk started super early.

"20 minutes? That's just, what 4-5 songs? Use that as a guide if you need to."
"Just take it slow and easy. Don't dare worry about speed today."
"Hills are great! If I can complete this it will be amazing - but if I can complete it with hills, I'll be incredible!"
"Muhammad Ali said he hated every minute of training. Be better than Ali - love the training! Love it for how it builds a better body and gives you moments of brilliance you never expected."
"Shock everyone. Shock yourself!"
"Be better than you were yesterday and every day before."
"Just think about the after party!"
"Every single step is important. EVERY ONE! Yes, that one, and the next. Whoop! Another important step."

I felt easy and light, but when I got over my first running hill and turned, I tried to calm down my breathing a bit. I told myself to pace myself to find my rhythm.

"There it is! Keep on it. Let your body lead you."

I got the 1/2 mile voice feedback, then 3/4 mile, then 1 mile.

"When did I start running? 5 minutes in, and she told me 1/4 of a mile before the run started. Ooh, isn't this the 3rd running song?"

Around 9 minutes into the run, my positive self-talk ended. Not because had given up, but because I had lost myself in my footfalls. I lost myself in the thought that I might just make it. And then I stopped thinking at all and I ran. Not until she said I had been on it for 23 1/2 minutes did I start thinking again. And the only thought was, "I'm ACTUALLY going to DO THIS!"

When the ding told me to cool down, I took an extra running step and then the smile spread across my face.

I actually spoke aloud.


I skipped a step. I tried to sing but couldn't get it out. The song that had popped on? "Don't Rain on My Parade" by Bah-bra! I cannot tell you how many times this song popping out has put me into an amazing mood during, after, or even before a run.

The glee wouldn't stop. It lasted through cool down, through the after party I threw for myself as Ethan greeted me in the yard and asked how it went. I couldn't hardly speak. I was just singing, and dancing. I wanted to jump and dance and throw the biggest party in the world. i wanted to run again immediately.


He wanted to know my pace time. I laughed at him and told him, "But Mommy ran her first full mile tonight!" That got the proper praise as he dropped his jaw and told me how wonderful that was. I danced with the dog. And then Ethan helped me take pictures for all of you, wherein I did something else I have always wanted to do but was always afraid of.

I danced (literally) into the house, shook my butt for my husband, told him the good news and threw another party inside. Hubs' response? "Man! You're so friggin' sweaty! Go take a shower before you sit on the furniture!" *face/palm* I laughed again. Nothing could break my good mood.

My only thoughts the rest of the night were, "Before today I was just a beginner. Now I'm a runner." And the picture I've had on my computer at work and thought I might be able to use one day when I believed it.

And that's exactly how I feel now.

Week 5 Day 3 Completed
Total Time: 31:23
Total Distance: 1.84 miles
Average Pace Time: 17 min/mi
Calories Burned: 330 calories

Adventures in Running from this FitFat Girl continue...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGIRL06 7/6/2011 11:23AM

    I have that same picture hanging on my peg board! WAY TO GO!!!! What a huge accomplishment!

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TAMIK1964 6/30/2011 8:10PM

    W5D3 is such a milestone. I will hit it next week and I love reading blogs like this to help motivate me. Keep up the great work!!!!

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VONDA71 6/30/2011 6:41PM

    Congratulations! You are truly amazing! You inspire me to start the program again! emoticon

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MERAINA 6/30/2011 5:39PM

    Thata girl!
*pat on back!

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BUSMOM27 6/30/2011 1:59PM

    I have tears in my eyes I'm so proud of you. I can't run. I just started sparkpeople last week and I'm walking. someday I hope to run. You are awesome and an inspiration. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BETTERJULIA 6/30/2011 1:20PM

    AMAZING!!!!! You ROCK!

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MELLYBEANS0919 6/30/2011 1:16PM

    CONGRATS!!!! So happy for you!

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ERIN4771 6/30/2011 1:15PM

    SWEET!!!!! way to go my friend!!!

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THELILEA 6/30/2011 1:06PM

    INCREDIBLE!! Congratulations, you are a rock star. :D emoticon

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F1AMEDIVA 6/30/2011 1:01PM

    awesome!!! I know that felt so good! Go girl you are a runner!!1

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JECKIE 6/30/2011 12:49PM

    Freaking AWESOME! I'm on week 4 and there are days I don't think I can do the 5 minutes (I'm actually doing week 4 again because I don't want to kill myself on 5 :) ) I can't wait to be able to say I did this!

Awesome, awesome, AWESOME! I love it! You're amazing!

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YOOVIE 6/30/2011 12:45PM

    You've passed me up. I cannot do what you did.

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ANGELWENDYMAMA 6/30/2011 11:16AM

    You are amazing!!! I have been gone for a full year and you have lost like 100 lbs almost and can run a mile now! You are phenomenal!!! Congratulations on your success to date!!! Keep agoing, girl!

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    Esther, this is one of my FAVORITE blogs! I can just see your pride in each and every letter of each and every word of this love letter to yourself and your endurance. I'm SO HAPPY FOR YOU! Seriously, this is so fantastic. And I know your most recent status said that day 1 of week 6 was tough today, but man, you're a fighter, and better yet, you're a RUNNER! Even olympic runners have difficult runs, but that can't and won't stop you. :) Way to go, girl!

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SCHENPOSSIBLE 6/29/2011 4:45PM

    And you should be proud of this milestone. Ride that victory high, girlfriend. keep pounding the pavement!

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MAGPIE17 6/29/2011 3:09PM

    CONGRATS!!!!! Oh, Esther, I'm SO SO happy for you and PROUD of you!!! WTG!!!

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TEAM-SARAH 6/29/2011 12:55PM

    What a huge accomplishment!! So proud of you, I knew you could do it! So when's the 5k? ;)

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DARKFAERY 6/29/2011 12:39PM

    Have I told you lately that you are fuhking awesome!!!! I am SOOOO proud of you!!!! Congrats!!!! emoticon

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ERIN1128 6/29/2011 11:55AM

    you're awesome, woman! You've known all along you could do it, and now you have! Congrats!

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_TRIXIE_ 6/29/2011 11:41AM

    I love it. LOVE IT. I remember those dark days when you doubted if you would ever be a runner and now look at you--bustin' out the 20 minute runs!

You go shake your a$$ and dance around the house--you've earned it!

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RUSSELLORAMA 6/29/2011 11:23AM


I'm seriously about to burst with pride over here. Remember when you thought you couldn't run? Those days are over baby!


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HEALTH-E-CLARE 6/29/2011 10:50AM

    SQUEEEEEAAAAALLLLL! E! THAT'S AWESOME (and those are excited happy dancing in my chair kinda caps).

I'm so glad you are finally seeing yourself as the runner you are.

emoticon High Five (or three if that's all you got).

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ABETTERCHERYL 6/29/2011 10:36AM

    "I was branded out and ready to go." I like to think of it as my superhero costume. ;)

Congratulations again E. I still remember the day that I reached my first 20 minutes without stopping. I did it on a treadmill at the gym and I was GLOWING the rest of the day because I was so thrilled with myself.

High three!

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BLACK-PRINCESS 6/29/2011 9:26AM


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WE_PA_FIT 6/29/2011 9:03AM

    Amazing!! Love the victory dance pic! hehe, I always estimate time with numbers of songs.
run on, run strong!

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    YAY YAY YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! :) :) :)

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EUPHRATES 6/29/2011 7:40AM


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HOPE2011 6/29/2011 5:23AM

    Great job! emoticon

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MESEATURTLE 6/29/2011 2:58AM

    well done!!!!!!!!!!i can feel every word u wrote!!!!!!!

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MADDEELOU 6/28/2011 10:39PM

    WAY TO GO!!! I still remember how I felt when I finished week 5 day 3. I couldn't believe that I was going to have to run for 20 minutes. What? Were they crazy? What an amazing high at the end. ENJOY.

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CANNIE50 6/28/2011 10:35PM

    I agree - you should DEFINITELY submit this to Runner'sWorld. It brought tears to my eyes. Running is transformative, running is liberating, running is sweaty and hard and worth every sometimes difficult step. Once you are a runner, you can never think of yourself in the same way, ever again. And, you, my dear, are officially a RUNNER GIRL!!!! emoticon

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GOGOSHIRE 6/28/2011 10:23PM

    You should submit this to Runners' World. It's really good, E. xo

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MOMONTHERUN1 6/28/2011 10:22PM

    Great job!!!!

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 6/28/2011 10:20PM

    emoticon I am SO happy for you. emoticon

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KKINNEA 6/28/2011 10:13PM

    Love it - great run!!

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DARE.DIVA 6/28/2011 10:11PM

    Totally awesome! Congrats!

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CAALAN23 6/28/2011 9:59PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

Who is that runner chick? Why it's YOU! *twirls you*

Way to go!

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KITHKINCAID 6/28/2011 9:48PM

    WOOHOOO!!!! Congrats Esther! That's an amazing feeling and an amazing accomplishment! I'm so proud of you! YOU'RE A RUNNER!!!

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Adventures in Running From a FitFat Girl

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Yep, I have moved from calling myself "the fat girl" to calling myself "the fitfat girl." Mostly because I still weigh over 300 pounds and, yet, somehow I can run now for over 8 minutes at a time. Because I walk lighter on my feet, I feel better than good most days, and because I can see my body becoming a runner-type ...well, okay, I can FEEL it happening...even if I can't SEE it yet.

My run in South Carolina was magic, I tell you. Pure magic. Somehow the combination of being somewhere new with new roads and new things to see and in a place I find so calming made me move like I've never moved before. I ran without thinking a lot of the time. And when I was thinking, it was good thoughts about the world, not the regular positive self-talk mantras I force upon myself to "make it through" a run. My legs felt right under me. I could feel my muscles responding to each and every step. I didn't feel like a poser anymore...I felt like a runner out for a morning run. And not only did I almost complete a 5k that morning (honestly, I would have done it if I didn't have to pee so bad! *lol*), but I went faster than I ever have one point (according to my Nike +) at a sub 9-minute-mile pace. This from a girl who a year ago was trying her best to WALK 2 miles at a 30-minute pace and couldn't even DREAM of running yet.

Total Time: 41:59
Total Distance: 2.76 miles
Average Pace: 15'12/mile
Calories burned: 546

It took me all day to accept that the conditions had simply been right for it and that my Nike+ wasn't seriously effed up in terms of calibration (actually it took me all week because I was back to my slow pacing last night during my first 8 minute runs). It still seems unreal and I still have every intention to recalibrate the thing just to be sure...I think it's time. I've put it off because I've been using the same program the whole time, and I didn't want to get discouraged knowing that it was even 1 hundredth of a mile off. I didn't want to feel like I was going backwards. But I'm getting to a point now where it is going to matter for my 5k training what my actual distance and speed it's time to get to the track soon and recalibrate it. But no matter what it says, I can still say that I ran faster than I have EVER run before. And because I don't believe it's more than 3 minutes off my pace time even with the worst calibration, I can fully say that even according to Spark's standards (which used to totally annoy me) I AM RUNNING.

On Wednesday night I did my first day of week 5. I didn't feel all that good...I've had a few bad eating days at work, but I learned one important thing from my run in SC -- I do best on an empty stomach. I've done so much reading about how to fuel your runs exactly 30 minutes to an hour beforehand, and I've been following that guideline the whole time. But on that morning in SC, I didn't give two craps about that. I drank a cup of coffee, put my clothes on, drank as much water as I could down, and then I just HAD to get out there. And running on that empty stomach really felt better for me than any running with the proper fuel has. So on Wednesday, I stopped eating in the day around 1-2pm. I was home by 5:30pm and at the park by 6pm for my run.

The clouds looked menacing, but I just sent up some wishes for the rain to hold out. And then I ran. I ran confronting every fear I've ever carried with me. Running while I don't feel 100%. Running in front of other people, especially young teens. Running in front of a guy I know from the gym who is a much better runner. Running in front of everyone. I was no longer on my side street out in the rural place I live with really only the cows and horses and dogs watching me, a few random people sprinkled in. I was doing this. I was coming out of the running closet. I'm Here! I'm FitFat! And no matter how slow I go -- I'm running. And then I got to add to that the fear of the weather as nearing the end of my last running segment, the skies unfolded and unleashed a short and sudden downpour over my head. I kept running. My kids and hubs had disappeared, I guessed (rightly) to the safety and shelter of the car), but I kept running. I put my sunglasses on to block the rain from getting in my eyes, and then took them off when they were so covered in water I couldn't see. But I KEPT RUNNING. As the rain stopped, so did my last running segment and my cool down began. I was soaked, tired, and yet, triumphant. What's more -- my pace was still pretty quick, even with the downpour and strong headwinds.

Total Time: 31:22
Total Distance: 2.0 miles
Average Pace: 15'38/mile
Calories burned: 402

Yesterday I tried to eat better all day. My 1/2 a bagel for breakfast, potato soup and salad for lunch, and then an apple as a snack around 3pm. And when I got home, I put on my running gear and decided to try my first 8 minute runs outside on my busy main road (it's a state route, so it tends to get busy around the evenings). The sky looked good...a little cloudy but no dark clouds full of sudden torrential downpours. I set out ready to go and kick those 8 minute runs in the butt! And then everything else started falling apart. My Nike + app failed to give me any voice feedback, which I have been thriving on to get through, then my C25k app wasn't giving me voice feedback, which meant I missed the start of my second running segment (but, it's alright, I missed that segment by 45 seconds, but I missed the cool down prompt by a minute 30, so I actually ran MORE than 8 minutes that second time), and at one point my music stopped playing altogether and all I could hear was cars passing and my heavy panting and my feet on the gravel. Oh, yeah...and that gravel. Usually I run at home in early mornings or late enough to avoid the bulk of traffic...but since I was early getting to this evening run, I had more traffic to deal with, which meant less time I could spend on the actual road, and more time in the gravel, uneven shoulder. I nearly tweaked my ankle a few times...once during cool down! And let's not even get into an even STRONGER headwind on the way back.

Let's be honest, last night's run was not a "WOOHOO" in the running department. It was a "WOOHOO" however in the fact that I finished it. The thought of trying to combine the 5 and 3 minute runs into 8 minute runs worried the crap out of me. "They're CRAZY!" I thought. Turns out, they're not. (And remind me of that on Monday when I try my first 20 minute run...though I still think THAT is an insane jump of time spent running!) Still, I spent a lot of the time with my positive-self-talker pulling myself through it. Favorite lines from last night?

Pain is your body's way of telling you it's challenging itself and doing more than it thought it could.
You can totally do this.
Hills are good. We LOVE hills. Remember, we've got to hill train for that first big hill in our goal race!
This gravel is like trail running, which you've always wanted to try. Think of it that way. Trust your feet.
Sure, the other path (giving up) is easier. But it's not more fun. It's more fun to challenge expectations and shock everyone - to shock yourself. You are making yourself into a runner, and that's not an easy thing. If it was, everyone in the world would be out running all day. You are making things happen and teaching your body how hard work can pay off.

And my favorite stand-by:
I don't care how slow you go...just DO NOT stop running!

It was pretty slow in regards to my last 2 efforts, but still a good pace. And I never thought a 300 pound body could move that fast or that well for that long. I have more bounce in my stride. I try not to concentrate too much on form because I'm trying to let my body just do what it seems to know how to do.

Total Time: 33:19
Total Distance: 2.01 miles
Average Pace: 16'34/mi
Calories burned: 364

Of course, later that night the stomach pains started. Violent pains during a not-so-healthy dinner choice picked out by the fam. (We ended up back at our favorite pizza joint where I usually have a meatball sub. Part way through my sub it became unbearable. I tried to suffer through, but after a while I was getting worried. When I was at my highest ever weight and almost bedridden I had a hernia with a bowel obstruction...and this was feeling a lot like that. Of course, I know that every once in a great while I'm struck with horrible gas pain that feels similar...and as I went to the bathroom and started burping uncontrollably, I was hopeful that THIS was the cause of the pain and not a hernia. But I was still scared. I had pushed my body...and while it didn't hurt when I was running, I was scared I had done too much. And I spent the rest of the night crying and screaming and praying for the pain to go away and praying for it to be gas. I felt better after a violent yakking session (TMI? *lol*) but it still hurt and I spent the rest of the night in bed trying to sleep it off. Thankfully, I feel better this morning, but I'm still nervous because I'm not sure what exactly that was. Honestly I never thought I'd WISH I had gas pain or even food poisoning, but I'm hopeful that it was simply that.

I have a couple days off from running. Going to try to walk a bit at the gym today but I don't want to overdo it after the craziness that was last night. Sunday? If I feel up to it and the weather's nice, I'm thinking I wouldn't mind a bit of tennis...or some swimming at the lake.

I have to say that I haven't been pushing myself as much on the off days lately. Just getting through these runs is as much as my mind can handle right now...and, yes, I'm totally scared and freaked out about Monday's run...but I will do it. I must do it. I told Hubs that I need to write a 20 minute monologue of "positive-self-talk-girl" for Monday, but I will be out there doing it.

FitFat girl...signing off! Catch me if you can!! :)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALOFA0509 6/29/2011 2:48PM

Your Awsum girl!!!!! GR8 job emoticon emoticon

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KAT2212 6/28/2011 3:09PM

    emoticon Awesome job! Keep up the great work!

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SPARTANBABE 6/28/2011 11:27AM

    Esther, you are awesome! Think of the recalibration as a next step in your challenge to yourself - you've surmounted the first leg, now it is time to tighten the screws and keep going. Like you said, Pain is your body's way of telling you it's challenging itself and doing more than it thought it could. Keep it up, even if the 20 minute run kicks your booty, at least you tried and are that much closer to making the next time. Keep it up Esther, keep it up! emoticon

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CAROLCRC 6/28/2011 8:10AM

    You are going to rock that 20 minute run segment! Let us know how it goes!

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    That's it - I am going to get motivated to start running!!!

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DARE.DIVA 6/27/2011 9:55PM

    Awesome! I love the term Fit/Fat! I few years ago I was working out like a crazy woman, but couldn't seem to break my plateau...but I was totally fit. Right now, I'm just fat...but you've inspired me to change that!

Way to go! I hope you figure out what caused the stomach problems later so it doesn't get in the way of achieving your goals.

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ALLICATT 6/27/2011 9:28PM

    Congrats to you on these amazing milestones. I starting running/jogging last year and although I try to run at least 3 days/week I'm still at a 10-11 minute pace. I've found that when I push myself to 9 I end up with knee pain so I'm happy with a slower pace and knowing I will protect my body. I have a good feeling you will soon be blogging about 200 lbs, then 150!!

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JOPAPGH 6/27/2011 9:19PM

    You are doing an amazing job!! Keep up the great work! emoticon

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BGEARY63 6/27/2011 7:42PM

    Terrific job! Some day I too will be a runner.

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ASHARON 6/27/2011 7:12PM

    Thank you for sharing....great motivation for me.
Wish you the best!

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MELLYBEANS0919 6/27/2011 6:18PM

    Huge congrats! So sorry your stomach acted up.

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CYNDERROSE 6/27/2011 5:59PM

    Great job, and you are such an inspiration!

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JREA24 6/27/2011 5:41PM

    Alright now. Get it done.

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KKINNEA 6/27/2011 5:27PM

    Looking fast! It's good to know how you run best - I always have to eat before I run since I had the opposite problem you had. Great job!!

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TEAM-SARAH 6/27/2011 5:26PM

    I'm glad to hear your running is going so well overall! I am so proud of you!! I think there's a standard "10%" rule when it comes to running. That is to say that you shouldn't increase your total weekly mileage by more than 10% each week OR increase your longest run distance by more than 10% at a time. That said... I have definitely pushed beyond the 10% rule and as long as it's not super drastic it has been fine... but its a good guideline to keep in mind. Ultimately always listen to your body and move at your own pace! As long as you keep making steady progress you'll be great!

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YOOVIE 6/27/2011 5:20PM

    Ive been totally loving seeing all your run tracking showing up on Facebook!!!!

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KRAZYKATT 6/26/2011 8:41AM

    Thank you, thank you, thank you! I love your blogs! I want so badly to be a runner and have thought seriously about C25K, but I'm terrified that ARTHUR (arthritis) will come back to visit. I'm afraid Arthur could seriously stop what little momentum I have in losing weight and a healthier lifestyle. But you've inspired me! I'm going to get an MP3 player, download the Cool Running C25K program, and take it triple slow. I'll do week 1 three times before moving to week 2, etc. I need to make sure my enthusiasm doesn't make me progress through the weeks more quickly.

Anyway, I've gotta tell you, your writing blows me away! I can so relate to each paragraph! I've been a lurker for so long I feel like I know and love you! Please remember to add this to your self-talk....

I'm inspiring more people then I will ever know and it isn't because I always make the right choices. It's because I'm honestly beautiful and beautifully honest! In my journey to a healthier me, I can and will find motivation and encouragement in even the smallest things.

Thanks again!

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AHEALTHYDANI 6/25/2011 11:45PM

    You rock my socks off girl! emoticon

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MADDEELOU 6/25/2011 4:19PM

    You are doing great! Now I need to get my butt off this computer and go for my run. emoticon

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ERIN1128 6/25/2011 11:20AM

    You're awesome! Really motivates me to keep working at the running thing.

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MFLYNN8 6/25/2011 11:16AM

    I run to keep up with the song I'm listening to at the time! If it is slow then I walk, otherwise I am a crazy, runnin fool! Then I am out of breath and can't sing along, but I think that's a good thing! Keep up the great work on your adventure! emoticon

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XTMONT 6/25/2011 10:50AM

    Love it! You're such an inspiration!

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BUTTERCUPP77 6/25/2011 10:15AM

    YAY you!!!!

I'm so excited for you!!

When I was running (several years ago now), I learned that I am:

- a morning runner. (I HATE HATE HATE running later in the day. 6 am is the time for me).
- an empty-stomach runner. I hate feeling ANYTHING sloshing around in there. So I didn't do a lot of drinking before or during my run, but I did after.
- an eat-immediately-after-stretching runner- especially if the food is a slice of whole grain bread with some kind of nut butter and a banana. Ambrosia!

Learning these kinds of things is really important. I do want to run again. But I know my body isn't quite prepared for it yet. I need to lose 30 or more lbs (to match my weight when I ran previously) in order to have that confidence. I think that next summer will be a running summer, though.

Once again, you've inspired me to get myself in gear!

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BLACK-PRINCESS 6/25/2011 10:04AM

see emoticon

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MB Update

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Before I say anything else, let me say that this goes on record as one of the BEST vacations I have ever had...even if a little too short. ;)

The drive was almost uneventful. Hubs and I got into a fight on our way into Virginia. Let me explain...Hubs and I have been together since we were about 13 years old...and sometimes we still act like children. While going through one of the tunnels through the mountains, the boys and I attempted to hold our breath all the way through, and Hubs decided to be silly and roll his window up and down and up and down to make me laugh...and as I tried not to laugh I was gasping for breath and trying to not take one and then I grabbed what I thought was the front of his shirt to try to motion him to stop but ended up pulling some skin and hair on his chest. Oops! So, yes we both acted like children and then we decided to start fighting about it at the rest stop wherein I (tired as I already was) started crying and he walked off and then I ended up in the bathroom with no wasn't looking good. And then I walked back outside to the car, and Hubs met me halfway and apologized and we hugged and I cried a couple more tears and we said we loved each other and THAT set the tone for the rest of our trip.

Somehow we were more forgiving, more thoughtful of one another. We fought one other time but only for a few seconds and we made up right after and then he apologized again some time later. I can't explain how we've both become such different people in a year, and, yes, I absolutely think this journey I have taken has something to do with it. I've helped encourage a more active family. I've encouraged them to take risks and let go and be free and respect each other. And Hubs has taught me a lot this year about how we don't always get what we want, and that's okay, but that patience will win out eventually and that it's okay to go for what you want and still not get it because it's all about the trying and doing and attempting to be that builds the character of a person. And my kids have taught me that exercise and being active can be fun, and that sometimes it's okay to be a little impatient because it can push you toward what you want that much quicker and with a little more drive. And somehow, those few short days in Myrtle Beach showed me how we've all come full-circle in a year. I kept comparing this trip to the one last March, both comparing myself and our reactions to one another and our attitudes and I was just proud and amazed and in complete love with who we have become together. And that's what I'll most take away from this weekend.

Now for the rest. :)

Saturday - the long drive. I slept some, but not much. We got caught behind a wreck in SC just an hour and half or so from our destination and were stuck for about 40 minutes longer than we should have been. (NOTED CHANGE) When we checked into our villa it was about 6pm and I immediately unpacked everyone. We had very little time to enjoy this vacation, and I wanted everything to go smoothly without digging through suitcases and bags for things. (Before, I would want to eat or sit down and rest before doing anything...or explore. I've learned priorities - about setting yourself up for success by taking time to make preparations that will help later, even if it delays gratification.) We set up the internet (which took a while and I eventually had to do a hard reboot to get the modem to work) and I made a spaghetti dinner while prepping a grocery list of the necessary items for the weekend. We made a quick trip to the store to get the items we needed (and, yes, I did coupon - they doubled up to .99!! *lol*). And then we rushed back to our villa to hop in the pool around 9pm. Before the night was over, Ethan and I sneaked out in the car to find the closest beach access - and ran onto the beach in the dark and had a ball for a few minutes with our feet lapped by the waves.

Sunday morning I woke up around 7am. (What is it with me and waking up at 7am now? CHANGE NOTED - my exercise and activity levels now regulate a lot of my sleep patterns. I have less difficulty falling asleep and I tend to wake up a lot easier.) It was Father's Day, so I immediately got to work making the Hubs eggs, bacon and toast - his favorite breakfast. I brought it to him in bed and it was just what he needed to wake him up bright and early! We got our swim stuff on again and headed straight for the beach. (CHANGE NOTED - I always back a bag of snacks and drinks and such for the beach...but the bag keeps getting smaller, and used less. The first beach trip no one touched a single snack. In fact, of our 3 beach trips, only once did Hubs reach in for munchies.)

I got into the water...and then I got in more...and then you couldn't stop me! For those of you that don't know, I have spent the past 5-6 years trying to conquer my fear of the ocean and ocean waves. When I was 6 or so there was an unfortunate incident involving me on a beach in Florida while my mom took a picture, my sister holding my hand, and then suddenly not holding my hand, a wave clipping my little legs out from under me and me swallowing so much salt water it made me sick and I thought I was going to drown until someone swooped me up. I remember very little from when I was little - but I remember that...and it has terrified me ever since. So each year I go in a little bit more. I had made it to my waist last year, but it was still super scary for me. Every wave that crashed I thought was going to be the one to take me out - and even the smell of the salt water so close made me gag. This year, I have no clue what came over me. Maybe it was the fact that I've conquered so many fears already that I felt a little invincible, but in I went, and for over an hour I swam in the waves, rode them back to shore, swam back out into them, barely touching the bottom, even with Hubs telling me I was going out too far! An hour later, after we emerged from the best ocean experience ever because we all enjoyed it together, I looked at Hubs and said, "Well I guess I got over THAT fear."


Hubs and I...Wish I could quickly pull out a comparison photo but it's on my other computer. Will have to do that later.

This is a girl with a healthy respect for the power of the ocean, not a paralyzing fear of it.


Logan is growing up TOO fast! He was checking out chicks in bikinis!! And reporting on their hotness factor. *face/palm*

We came out all happy and hungry and headed to the villa to change. I had been telling Hubs that he owed me on dinner or lunch out, and this was to be the lunch (perfect for Father's Day too...yeah, I didn't think of that so I did end up paying for it). We tried to go to our favorite sushi/hibachi at Broadway at the Beach, but they didn't open until dinner. We tried another Indo/Jap/Thai place, but they had DOLPHIN on the menu (no friggin' that legal??) so we left after he brought our waters and before we ordered. We finally ended up at the Chinese buffet next to the Giant Crab (which didn't open until 1pm..*sigh*). It ended up being a great "oops!" choice. The food was pretty good. Sushi on a buffet always = YES! for me. And they had a "choose your own" hibachi grill wherein you picked the veggies and meats and rice or noodles you want, hand the guy the plate and he cooks it up for you. YUM YUM YUM! And all for 12 bucks each (which SOUNDS expensive but really it'll cost you more than that for just 1 hibachi dinner anywhere, even here in Charleston!).

And then after that? I napped. *lol* Felt amazing! But after THAT... Well, we tried the indoor pool at the villa but it was we went back to the beach.

And THIS is what you get in the HOT SC sun when you forget to reapply every 20 minutes and you have red hair and very fair skin and you go to the beach twice in one day and stay in the water the whole time...

And by that time we'd worked up yet another appetite, and someone mentioned pizza and we ended up here:

Where we had a Mighty Meaty pizza. (OMG the applewood smoked bacon MADE this pizza...and I dare anyone to eat more than 2 slices because it was SOO filling. I had one and then a bit of the House Calzone.)

House calzone - tomatoes, spinach, mushrooms and LOTS of mozzarella cheese!

And, least I forget, Shock Top Raspberry beer which smelled all fruity but DID NOT taste it - just tasted smooth and great with ZERO aftertaste or bite. I actually finished mine before Hubs did his (he's always commenting how SLOW I fact, everyone is always commenting on that! *lol*).

Oh, and...yes, I couponed Sunday morning on vacation. *snort*

Monday was the day of my big run...and I think I need an entire other blog to talk about that amazing experience. LOVED it! After the run, I showered, and then had a bath. *lol* No one was up, and I had brought my bath salts on a whim, so I used them for my aching joints and muscles and soaked for a bit while everyone started rolling out of bed. Then we had breakfast and were off again.

I took the boys to the 2nd st/ave pier while (I thought, at least) Hubs got some work done (he actually ended up sleeping! *lol*).

Look at the face Logan is giving me! *lol*

And then I took them UNDER the pier (something I've always wanted to do!)...

Talked to a man under there about the lighting and natural (kinda) framing and how beautiful it was only to find out that I'd been talking all smart-like with a studio photographer. Here I am talking about this artsy crap while I shoot with my little iPhone and he whips out the huge DSLR with the long lens and I feel like a dolt...and mostly feel like I want one and I wonder if he'd let me shoot a couple pictures with it. Just made me feel even more that I need to nurture this passion in the proper manner (that means saving up for a proper camera).

The boys and I, completely soaked, headed back to the villa to pick up Hubs and head back to the beach with some body boards we had bought to ride waves with. SO FUN! Only not fun thing? Sand in your dang bathing suit ...ITCHY! Do you guys have this problem? It was only itching in the water but OMG it would NOT stop itching! I've never been out there much to notice but by the end of it I was in tears from it. WTF is the deal and is there a way to stop it?

I made us some amazing chicken with rice and broccoli and green peppers for dinner (no pics) and then we went to Broadway at the Beach to walk around and (more importantly) feed the CRAZY fish there! We ended up getting ice cream at Cold Stone Creamery which Ethan and I trashed quite early but Logan and Hubs TRIED to finish (but eventually failed as well! *lol*) and I looked at some Nikes in Rack Room Shoes (but didn't buy). Finally, back to the villa and we hit the outdoor pool one more time before the night was up and I went back to the villa to pack up the place and clean.

And by yesterday morning at 9am we were on the road and returning home. And somehow my grumpy attitude returned as soon as we hit the WV border. *sigh*

I miss the ocean already, but I feel blessed to have had this time. We kept commenting on how it had been our shortest ever and yet we'd done so much and had so much fun and found great staples to add to our regular yearly trips (which WILL be happening EVERY year!) - like Mellow Mushroom and the Sushi...I mean, Chinese buffet and riding the waves and feeding the fishies at Broadway at the Beach! I still feel more and more like I belong closer to the beach for some reason. I know a lot of people feel that way, but I've got this huge pull in me and I wish more than anything I could move out there full-time or at least get a second place there. *sigh* Home away from home...

* ate like crap some of the time.
* stuck to my running workouts and ran faster than ever.
* felt amazing.
* napped both days.
* took care of me and took care of family.
* had a blast.
* swam, swam, swam.
* got over my fear of the ocean.

All in all, I'd say that was a pretty darn good weekend. :)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BLACK-PRINCESS 6/23/2011 3:55PM

    great vacation

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HOPE2011 6/22/2011 5:21PM

    It sounds amazing!! Good for you!!

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 6/22/2011 4:58PM

    It sounds like it was so much fun. emoticon

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ERIN1128 6/22/2011 3:35PM

    Oh Esther, I'm so glad you had such a wonderful vacation - you've certainly earned it!!!

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MAGPIE17 6/22/2011 3:30PM

    Sounds like an awesome weekend!

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SARAWALKS 6/22/2011 2:33PM

    Beyond wonderful! So great to read about your fun! emoticon

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RUNTRILAUGH 6/22/2011 2:11PM

    (Dolphin is a type of fish - not what you are thinking, another more common name for it is Mahi-mahi)

Sounds like a fun vacay! Brought back lots of memories of growing up spending time at Myrtle Beach!

ps - love how you called out all the "changes"!

Comment edited on: 6/22/2011 2:14:27 PM

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LCHADBOURNE 6/22/2011 2:08PM

    Awesome, it sounds like a perfect vacation full of balance and family fun. I love the pictures! Thanks for sharing!

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4EVERADONEGIRL 6/22/2011 1:54PM

    Absolutely 100% AWESOME!!!! So glad you guys got to get away! And Yay for fast runs, good food, family time and conquering fears! You ROCK!

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KKINNEA 6/22/2011 1:54PM

    Awesome vacation!!

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MADDEELOU 6/22/2011 1:36PM

    Sounds like a great vacation. Glad you had a great time. I wouldn't worry about some of the food--I am sure you burned it all off riding the waves. emoticon

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ESBELL 6/22/2011 1:14PM

    That sounds like the best vacation EVER!!! Staying active, enjoying some different foods, plenty of loving time with the family.


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GOGOSHIRE 6/22/2011 12:49PM

    OMG, E - love this blog! I love all the "change noted" things, too! Great pics. Sounds fantastic. And the food doesn't sound bad at all, really, especially considering how active you were. So glad to hear you have overcome your fear of ocean. Ready for me to certify you and the fam to scuba dive yet? :) Your boys are so cute - I don't think I've seen pics of them before. What sweeties.

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TEAM-SARAH 6/22/2011 12:35PM

    Sounds like a MUCH NEEDED trip. Always so hard to go back.... glad you were able to take the trip! Can't wait to hear about this fabulous run!

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