Sunday, July 10, 2011
So, yes, I took a few days off. Not off from trying to create a healthy lifestyle or trying to lose weight, but off from trying to be the fantabulous Sparker I had been trying to be.
On Wednesday I posted a blog that was raw and honest and from the heart. I didn't say that I was giving up, just that the race experience I had broke my will and spirit a little bit. Sometimes when we do what we think will be good for us, it backfires. The race was difficult, but I did it. I still cling to that small feeling of accomplishment. And even in my final line I stated that even though I wasn't sure of my reasonings anymore, I was going to continue. And continue I have...and will.
And, no, I'm not going to stop racing because one douche decided to try to make me feel bad about my accomplishment, or because Negative Nancy Esther won out over Positive Warrior Esther in my mind that day and the days that followed. I'm not going to quit just because I jumped the gun and entered a race I wasn't mentally or physically ready for yet. I made it a goal to run a 5k one day, and run one I will. Each day I train I get closer to that goal - proof in my accomplishments in the last few days that I've taken "off".
And, yes, I have been unhappy for a while now. That's because a plateau can knock you right on your bum and beat you up and kick you when you're down. And I reached a plateau, I think, for two basic reasons. 1) It was time for one. 2) When I hit the plateau, I didn't jump over the edge or take to the sky, instead I walked along the edge, slipping now and again on rocks, regaining my footing and walking some more, constantly trying to find a bridge across the chasm.
It's been hard going. And, yes, sometimes life isn't hard. But each person has a right to fess up and admit that they get sad, discouraged, and overwhelmed sometimes.
Truth? I get overwhelmed and discouraged and sad sometimes.
Truth? That does not make me a bad person or less motivating or less successful.
Everybody hurts sometimes.
I could've walked over, logged into Spark, wrote some BS positive "I DID IT!" blog about completing one of the toughest (and shortest) races I've ever done and you all would have believed me, congratulated me, and said those famous words - "keep it up!" Yes, those words kill me sometimes. Because it can be daunting and overwhelming. Finding someone to motivate me that has lost more than 150 pounds without surgery is nearly impossible. Yes, there are some, but they are so few and far between that finding them is like finding the last 3 items in those damn hidden picture games. GRRR...where the eff is the spear? WTF?
This isn't my first time at the rodeo. You see my Spark progress all the time, all the progress I've made since April of last year is documented here in blogs and in my little ticker. But what you didn't get the pleasure of experiencing was the first 100 I lost. And how I struggled then as well with the last 20 pounds, fighting so hard it was like pulling teeth. And I recognize that I've reached that same point again in this journey, so I'm trying to find new ways of fighting. Being honest about my struggle with it is one way I'm continuing to challenge the outcome that I experienced last time, wherein I fought tooth and nail for the last 20 pounds, dropped them, and then with exhaustion and being completely overwhelmed, gave up and gained back those 20 with 30 more with it. I don't want the same fate this time, so I'm struggling to figure out a way around it.
The mind is a strange beast. Yes, I know what's right for me. And, yes, I alone can make those healthy choices. But sometimes I sit there after the "I don't care" mental monster has won and I've binged and I want to cry for myself, for what I know to be true, for the choice I didn't make. Yes, I hold the power, but sometimes the lights go out and I'm left fending for myself in the dark. There is truth in that. Sadness, yes, but also strong truth.
August Wilson said:
“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.”
And how about Alex Karras?
“It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more 'manhood' to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.”
Before I will ever have any hopes of overcoming this and moving on, I must confront it, acknowledge it, and accept it. You cannot change what you deny. If I lied and said I was fine and not struggling, then I would have no reason to fight harder to overcome the struggles I'm facing.
And, no, in the grand scheme of things my struggles are no more difficult than yours. I recognize that. What I hope you recognize, however, is that to me, these struggles are much harder - because they are mine. I don't have to face your struggles. I have to face mine. And sometimes, however vain and horrible it may make me, telling myself that if I accomplish this thing that must be SO MUCH more difficult for me than your struggles are for you brings out my competitive side and makes my fight stronger. I need that.
So while you see a girl struggling who has lost "almost" 100 pounds (another word I hate...I'm using nearly now...it sounds more like a goal and less like a failure I've had in reaching it) I'm recognizing that I have actually lost NEARLY 150 pounds and have been fighting for the better part of 6 years. So telling me to accept that it might go slow is like telling an elephant not to forget. It has been slow, and I am still going.
Why am I doing this?
Well, right now I think only in terms of "because I should" because I know that to be true. For my health and my life, I should do this.
But I know too that there are other reasons, more concrete ones.
Yes, I'm doing it for my children as well. I know you aren't supposed to say that, but I don't give two craps about that, because it's true. I want them to never have to go through the trials I went through by being overweight. I want them to recognize that they hold the power in their hands to become the people they want to be. I want them to value a healthy lifestyle instead of seeing it as a pipe dream and "just not who I am".
Yes, I'm doing this for my husband. Or, more accurately, for our relationship. Because being a stronger individual in a relationship actually enhances the strength of the coupledom, I've learned. And also for better and more fun bedroom activities. And for doing more fun things together. And for more pictures of us that I will be proud of and want to hang up in my house and post for all to see. I want the focus to be on what we've done together, not on hiding myself and feeling embarrassed.
And, yes, I'm doing it for all the vain reasons as well. To be able to turn down hot guys that approach me with a smile and a showing of my wedding ring. To say, "thanks, but I'm taken." To wear the clothes I've always wanted to wear without being overly concerned about hiding the parts of me that I'm not proud of.
I'm doing it to get rid of this stomach.
And to make my legs something that will look good in a skirt or dress.
And to make my arms able to fit into items that were made for them. (Like the armband I bought for my phone yesterday that still does not fit me.)
But mostly I'm doing this for my freedom. Years ago I decided that I would not wait until I was skinny to do the things I wanted to do. I wasn't going to hide or fade into the background anymore. And as much as that helped me to become more confident and stronger as a person, I am still limited by the world. Weight restrictions keep me from doing things - both things I want to do and things I don't ever care to do.
So, what did I do in the past few days when I was "off"?
- I ate mostly healthy.
- Even when I didn't eat healthy, I stayed at or under my ranges.
- Yes, I said UNDER my ranges. The first day out, I seriously restricted myself. And I know that's not what you're SUPPOSED to do, but I needed to. I don't know why, but I needed to. I gave up my snacks and ate bird-like as much as possible. And I ignored hunger pains. And I counted everything. And I said no to everything I could. Because if I shoot for UNDER my ranges, then I won't go over if I slip. And even though I need to learn how to not slip, for right now all I can manage is to leave room for slips.
- I continued to work out, and pushed myself harder than I have in a long time.
On Wednesday, I attempted Week 6 Day 3 again, since I didn't run the full 25 minutes in the race. And I still didn't make it. I warmed up for 5 minutes, then jogged for 15 minutes, then had to take a 3 minute walking break before getting back to jogging another 10 minutes. And it was a HARD day. And I did it on the treadmill, which is more difficult for me right now because it requires me to maintain a steady singular pace. But when I was done I knew I had run a total of 25 minutes, and I set out to try it again on Friday.
And Thursday, I went to the gym even though I was expected at home and even though everyone was waiting for me. Instead of giving up my entire 60 minute cardio workout, I shortened my workout to about 30 minutes, including my stretches. About 8 minutes on the rowing machine, another 15 on the elliptical, and then lots of stretching as I felt like I pulled a butt muscle on the right side.
And on Friday, when I was supposed to run again, I wasn't feeling it. So I took the night off, because I needed that. And my leg muscles screamed while I was sitting watching movies with the fam and I knew I made the right choice. And I told myself that the only way I could have this night off is if I promised to make up my training run the next day.
And yesterday when I woke up, I let my tummy settle before heading out, and I finally bested Week 6 Day 3 - running the full 25 minutes without stopping. And most of it felt right because I had given myself the extra time I needed to make it happen. And I followed my run with a 25 minute, 1 mile "recovery walk" while walking the dog.
And on all those days, save one, I ate within my calorie ranges, even if it wasn't all healthy. I'm finding my way back on the track I laid for myself, even if the going is tough and right now I'm crawling on my hands and knees. And the scale has been kind to me for my efforts and I know now that if I just keep chipping away at this iceberg, I'll eventually break through.
The truth is, the path isn't easy.
The truth is, it isn't easy for anyone.
The truth is, however, that my journey is more important to me than anyone else's because it's mine, and because the outcome affects me more.
And the truth is that I hope to always keep going, but I know that I will likely struggle with this battle my entire life. I don't know why I got dealt the cards I was dealt. I could analyze how I got to where I was and am, but what's the use? We must play the cards we're dealt. The trick is trying to figure out how to make our $hitty hand work to our advantage.
But the truth is also that it will continue to be hard. And I will get discouraged as I feel "passed by" by people around me who don't have as much weight to lose as I have, or who have lost less but look better than I might ever have a hope of looking. (Let's face it, I will have loose skin and stretch marks that will follow me my entire life.) I will get overwhelmed by my schedule, and by the unexpected that pops up (like a month full of training and a altered work schedule that I must learn to work around).
When I came to the SP stage, it wasn't because I thought "This is THE TIME I'm going to do this." That's the truth. I showed up with a realistic outlook of, "Well, let's get back on the wagon and see what happens." Over time I've gained a love for working out and eating healthy food. I've had so many accomplishments that may seem so little to everyone else, but are so huge to me, that sometimes I worry that my "luck has run out" or will run out before the end. But I've got to keep trying to make my own luck. And I won't belittle you by telling you I will always be the go-getter "I CAN DO THIS" person that sometimes pops up in my blogs. Because I am multi-faceted. Because I have those moments, days, weeks, and months, but I also have months wherein I feel lost and abandoned and alone and like nothing I do will ever be good enough.
That is the truth of who I am. And that will be the truth of my journey. Being "skinny" will never change that. I am who I am, and while I can try to bolster the parts of me that I like, and that other people enjoy, the other parts will remain. And they have their purpose, because knowing that life isn't fair and being realistic helps me get over the trials and tribulations. That part helps me see both sides of the story and recognize that sometimes it really sucks to be me. And knowing that it sucks sometimes, helps me relish even more in the parts that don't suck.
So that's my truth. And I'm taking it with me as I continue to fight for what I know I can do if I just push forward.
"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."
Give me a bat!
Wednesday, July 06, 2011
What's been going on with me? Well, a lot and not a lot at the same time. I'm going to warn you right up front that I don't have a happy, motivating "YAY! I DID IT!" race report blog for you. What I do have is the truth. The full broken-hearted, will-breaking truth. And maybe this mood has something to do with fact that my scale gave me back a 320.2 this morning, which = no change. And maybe it has to do with the fact that my eating has been crap for 2 days. We're talking me eating double what I probably should if I ever want to think about losing weight again. But most of it is due to the big pieces of goo that were once my heart and my will and my determination, which right now I'm simply trying not to trample any more and trying to figure out how to put it back together into some recognizable form. I wish I had the happy race report for you, but don't.
I wish I could tell you that my nervous jitters went away after the gun went off, but they didn't. As I got hit and pushed from all sides, all the while trying not to scold my son who insisted on starting near the front of the pack. I knew what would happen but I gave in to his childish spirit and his determination to succeed.
I wish I could tell you that it didn't bother me that I was last from the start gun until the finish, but I can't. It hurt. This is the first and only time I have ever come in dead last in a race. I should've known better, racing in something so small. But someone had told me they were walking the race. I figured there would be walkers there. Instead, I was surrounded by 20 year old track stars, high school athletes, young girls that were in better shape than I could ever dream of being in, muscly guys with no shirts who were tanned beyond belief from, I assume, hours spent training. I knew from the minute we started and the race pack left me so far behind that I was out of my league. And I don't want to tell you that I wish I had quit right then and there, but that's the truth. I should've quit. I should've saved my heart all the heartache it was about to endure.
I wish I could tell you that my positive self-talker kicked in, but she didn't. She took a hike the minute she realized that we were just shooting for a "not horribly awful last place" finish. She wanted nothing to do with me. She couldn't help me anymore and I was alone out there...literally and mentally.
I wish I could tell you that watching my son so far ahead of me helped spur me on, but it didn't. I wish I had just let him run alone. I wish I had paid for anyone else but me to run this race.
I wish I could tell you that people were nice, but those that were were so few and far between. Throughout the first mile I heard a small splatter of claps, but they were mixed with laughter and hushed words between couples and friends and I suddenly felt like I had woken up in that dream where you go to school completely naked. I wanted to cry and hide and quit.
I wish I could tell you that the jeers and actual heckling didn't hurt me, but it did. When some smart@ss kid from the high school band laughed and pointed and said in a condescending tone, "Ooh, I hope she wins!" followed by another laugh, my heart broke again...and again. I was in the seventh circle of hell and I wanted to die. Not only did I feel like I was dying from starting too fast and pushing too hard just to keep up with the pack, but sheer embarrassment made me want to crawl into a hole and curl up and die.
And I wish I could tell you that yelling across the road at the little basturd (yes, I'm making a new word out of two because he deserves this much), "Let's see YOU get out here and do it!" made me feel better, but it didn't. I kept wondering if there was anywhere along the route where I could simply disappear and no one would notice. (There wasn't.)
I wish I could tell you that I was finally able to block it all out and just run my run, but I wasn't. The entire two miles was torture. I had to pee, I was getting overheated, and I was pushing too hard. Which meant that even though I didn't want to, after about a mile and a quarter, I had to take a walking break. And I hated every minute of walking in front of those people because it felt like they were winning something. It felt like giving in and quitting without the actual relief of not having to continue.
I wish I could tell you that the kindness of the race buggy giving me water and giving me encouraging words made me feel better, more powerful, more encouraged, but it didn't. It made me feel under scrutiny. It made the embarrassment worse. I kept thinking to myself, "They just want me off this g'dmn road so they can start the effin' parade already!"
I wish I could tell you that running all out into the finish line with a cheering crowd felt great, but it didn't. By that point it felt like a pity clap. In fact, I'm pretty damn sure that's what it was. Poor pathetic fat girl trying to run 2 miles. Laughable, yet somehow commendable for the attempt. I hated it. HATED.
I wish I could tell you that the hug at the end from the girl in my yoga class cheered me up...or the old lady sitting on her walker seat talking about how I "was to be commended" made me proud...or that the guy who came up to tell me nice job and share a story about how 2 years ago he was over 300 pounds and started doing races gave me encouragement, but...Well, actually, that part was kinda good...
What wasn't good was Hubs' severely insensitive comment about how "It must suck to be last" which he followed up with a joke about how everyone was saying they wish I'd effin hurry up so the parade could start.
When I think back on this race I only think one thing...."Why did I do it?" I wasn't ready. Not mentally, not physically. Yes, I finished, but it hurt beyond belief. And the exhaustion that finally caught up to me yesterday sent me reeling over the experience. And the fact that I couldn't control my eating enough in two days to lose any weight from the experience, and the fact that I still hurt down to my very bones all leads me to want to cry and hide and wish I hadn't ever had this stupid crazy idea that a fat girl could or even should run. Just because you CAN do something, doesn't mean you SHOULD. Maybe I should've said no this year. But I can't take it back...all I can try to do is heal.
As for what else is new? I'm so friggin' scheduled that I will likely not have another chance to redeem my broken heart in a race for at least a month.
July 11th - work training
July 12-13th - work training out of town
July 15 - work training out of tw
July 20-25 - Vegas/Utah for wedding
July 26-28 - work training
July 31-August 5 - work training out of town
And the race I wanted to do is in Wheeling on August 6th, and I've been fighting all year to get back there and now I don't even know if I'll be able to, or if I want to. It's pretty likely that I'll be giving up the Beerathlon 5k on the 16th and the Ohio State Fair 5k on the 31st. And I wonder now what I'm working so hard for if not for a race? It's certainly not to lose weight. Lord and every Sparkie knows I haven't done crap to speak of in that department for months beyond doing a kick@ss impression of a friggin' yo-yo.
Yes, I'm frustrated. And, no, don't sit here and say that I'm building effin' muscle and my measurements are probably shrinking. They're not. In fact, if you want the whole truth, my calves have gotten bigger along with my waist. I'm not losing ANYTHING. And, yes, I know it's because my eating is out of control. I've become that bitter girl on a diet who is frustrate because she isn't SUPPOSED to have an effin' donut so she resists and resists and then eats 12 out of spite. THIS is the root of my problem. I am well aware of that.
So as to what will happen from here? Probably more of the same. I start every morning with the singular hope that I will eat on target...and then sometime, either at 3pm or 5:30pm or 7pm, whenever, it all falls apart and I binge and I hate myself for it and thoughts of becoming bulimic re-emerge (yes, fat girls can be bulimic too!) and I have to choose whether to fight one eating disorder or the other. So far I haven't purged, hence the pain in my body from killer workouts and ZERO loss on the scale.
Okay, I'm done griping. Here's some stupid pictures from one of the worst days of my life.
Yeah..people walked in front of me because I wasn't really doing much of anything important at the time...
Bloated and swollen and completely exhausted. I wanted to just go home but had to stand through a parade that easily lasted an hour.
And, for the record, my Nike+ sets my pace at 15'01, but I forgot to turn it off after and it says I did 2.2 miles and I now KNOW it's off/wrong and needs calibrated...but it told me I was averaging a 13-14.5 min/mi the whole time, which is fast for what I was doing in training, even if it is wrong.
FML. Adventures of this FitFat girl continue...though I have no clue why anymore...
Sunday, July 03, 2011
Wednesday's run was difficult, to say the least. I felt like I was moving with bricks on my feet. I didn't properly hydrate before heading out and was left with dry mouth for the entire time. I set out with the mindset that I had already run 20 minutes straight, so this one was going to be simple. Week 6 Day 1: 5 minute warm-up, jog 5 minutes, walk 3 minutes, jog 8 minutes, walk 3 minutes, jog 5 minutes, 5 minute cool down. Each run was like trying to pull a loaded carriage up a long hill. I tried to talk positively to myself, but it just wasn't working for me. Each run got harder, but I can credit myself with one thing - I did not stop running until my program said to walk. I did it. I completed it. It was hard and it hurt a bit. I was straining with each step and begging for mercy, but I kept going. And I had a completed day to show for it. I told myself that every runner had bad days, bad runs, and I hoped that the next one would bring me back to my "You can DO THIS!" mindset.
Total Time: 34:23
Total Distance: 2.06 miles
Average Pace: 16'40/mile
Calories Burned: 375
Friday's run DID go a lot better. Not only did I feel more runnerly and my legs actually felt light and mobile, but I tackled the monster hill on the side street we live next to. Usually I get to this hill and turn around, but on Friday I got to the hill and for some reason I just kept going.
The only problem with Friday? Well, just like in Myrtle Beach, I got up, went potty, put on my running gear, grabbed a few swigs of water, and then headed out. And just like in Myrtle Beach, I felt the need to go poo on my way back. It's no secret that my stomach has been completely screwed up. And I know why it's been that way for the most part. Eating crap leads to horrible digestive habits and irregular bowel movements. I'm not a dummy, this I know. What I didn't expect is having run too far and feeling the need to GO right now and not making it back in time. For me, runs help regulate my body in that it works as a laxative...but I only have this problem on morning runs. It's something I'm going to have to think about and deal with. I'm hoping with some adjustment to my diet it won't be a problem anymore, but we shall see. Anyone else suffer with running giving them the need to GO RIGHT NOW?!
The result was me running more than was called for, trying to get home quickly. I wish I could simply rejoice in this run, but it only seems to highlight my need to get my diet/eating back on track.
Total Time: 35:42
Total Distance: 2.21 miles
Average Pace: 16'09
Calories Burned: 408
Yesterday I took the family out for what I wanted to call a "recovery hike." *lol* It seems I'm not so good at taking it easy, especially when my husband is with me. Hubs has always walked SUPER fast, and I used to not be able to keep up at all. Even at the grocery store I'd yell at him to stop running. Now I generally keep up pretty well, but yesterday he was in hyper drive. I wanted us to go farther, but the gravel trail was much harder on all of us than I expected. Maybe it was the heat. *shrug* Either way, we were out for about an hour and I got in a good workout at least.
We went to a place called Cairo, WV. Tiny old town. You honestly feel like you're stepping back in time. We toured an old bank and saw antiques from the 1800's and early 1900's. The old guy giving the tour was so very excited about showing anyone who would listen all the things the Rail Trail Society had collected over time. *lol* We headed out after the tour and headed into North Bend State Park, finding an access road to the North Bend Rail Trail, which covers 71 miles and 4-5 counties east to west across WV. It's a mostly gravel trail (okay, from the mile we saw of it *lol*) and is spotted with old tunnels. We crossed through 2 tunnels. Okay, 1 and a half. *lol* Tunnel #13 was fine, but tunnel 12 was CREEPY!! We turned around and hurried back out of it in record time! *lol*
On our way back through tunnel #13, I challenged my 9 year old to a race. The tunnel length was 353 feet. I turned to him, smiled and said, "Race ya?" He smiled back and our oldest called out the "ready, set, go" and we were off. I tried to pace myself, figuring he'd go all out and wear down before the end. And after dodging the Hubs and running into each other once, we finally made it to the end...me just steps ahead of my 9 year old (I had a little gas left in the tank at the end...I had saved it. He was all out. :)). The rest of the way back I kept thinking to myself, "The girl last year would not have even thought to challenge a 9 year old who is so full of energy. This year? I won the race! HA!" *proud grin*
Me in front of Tunnel 13, which we raced through. This is on the way there, though, not after the race. I was drenched in sweat by the end of the hike and especially after the race. Ethan said there was a face of sweat on my back. Two eyes over my shoulder blades, and then a line across the bottom of my back. *lol* I should've had him take a picture!
Total Hike Time: about 60 minutes
Total Distance: about 2.5 miles
Average pace: about 22 1/2 minutes per mile
Calories burned: about 400
Now for the confession of a plan that has hatched. Tomorrow our little town is hosting its 4th annual 2-mile firecracker run through town. The race starts just 1/2 hour before the parade, so there is always a huge crowd lined up for the parade that simply become the crowd that cheers for runners that come by beforehand. For years I've wanted to participate, but didn't think I could do 2 miles, and then didn't think I could do them without embarrassing myself. This year? I care less about what the crowd will be thinking, and more about the fact that I now have the ability to do a 2-mile run...and I just might be able to run most, if not all of it. Week 6 Day 3 falls on tomorrow's calendar. Warm-up 5 minutes, 25 minute run, 5 minute cool-down. So even if I just stuck to that, I'd have my 2 miles. I can't tell you how I'm going to run/walk it. But I'm pretty set on the idea of actually doing it. And I'm going to watch what I eat today so I don't have a repeat of Friday's TMI run (should be fun with the birthday party at the pizza joint tonight! *sigh*). I'm trying not to think too much about who might be there, what might happen, and I'm only thinking, "Just try. Just do your best." Or like my challenge -- "*#&@ it! Just GO!"
I'll let you know how it turns out as the adventures in running from this FitFat girl STILL continue...
Saturday, July 02, 2011
Okay, Esther. Time to get real. The challenge has begun. The pieces have been set and are ready to move. You only have two real choices: either get your gloves on and get ready to fight, or give up completely. Whatever you do DO NOT GIVE UP!
*#&@ it! Just GO!
Since February you've gotten complacent. You gave in to temptation and started thinking maybe it was too hard.
*#&@ it! Just GO!
You've eaten what you wanted. You've logged inconsistently. You've allowed yourself way too many cheats and then wonder why you aren't getting where you want to go.
*#&@ it! Just GO!
You got the crazy idea you weren't worth the time and energy it took to get to where you're going.
*#&@ it! Just GO!
You got scared. Scared both of what you may and may not accomplish. You were afraid you'd never run. You were afraid if you did what people would think.
*#&@ it! Just GO!
You didn't want to admit to yourself and to everyone else that you were happy where you were for a little while. And while you mentally wanted more, you also thought it was okay to simply enjoy how far you had come without worry. You went into maintenance mode and then flooded yourself with thoughts that having more might never happen for you.
*#&@ it! Just GO!
You saw friends who started with you pass you by and you figured yourself out of the race once again. You started comparing your success with theirs. You started thinking your successes weren't enough.
*#&@ it! Just GO!
You gave into a weak mentality due to illness and injury. You felt lost, alone, and worried that you would never find your way again.
*#&@ it! Just GO!
GO! Fight for what you want!
GO! Be what you know you can be!
GO! Challenge your own expectations!
GO! Shock yourself!
GO! Put one foot in front of the other!
GO! Be real with yourself!
GO! Revel in your accomplishments without letting your will slide!
GO! TRACK EVERYTHING!
GO! Put miles on your shoes!
GO! Crunch like you've never crunched before!
GO! Take care of yourself!
Go see the victories you've wanted for yourself by being honest, by tracking what you've done, by making a plan and sticking to it, by never being complacent again. You know what you want. You just crossed the starting line for lap two and the warm-up phase is over. It's time to take off running. It's time to do what you know you can to get where you know you can go. The finish line is ever ahead. Look up to where you're going. Keep your eye on the prize. And no matter how slow you go or how long it takes, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER GIVE UP!
*#&@ everyone, including yourself, who thought it couldn't be done!
The challenge starts TODAY! And TODAY is just as important as every other day! Do not give in to fear. Fight negative thoughts with the positive self-talk you've fortified with each run! Reset your ticker to 320.2, the weigh-in from the gym yesterday, and JUST GO! Track everything. Make healthy meals. Eat what you know you should. Run like you know you can. Strength train and box and row and swim and hike and dance and fight for every fitness minute logged.
Rain, sunshine, clouds, strong winds, heat, humidity, tired legs, long nights, difficult obstacles...
*#&@ IT! JUST GO!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
My stomach was turning all day. In part because it was still messed up from Friday's fiasco/sudden illness. But more in part because I had 20 minutes of straight running ahead of me.
Around 4pm, I started surfing for inspirational quotes. I fed myself a healthy diet of positive energy and kept telling myself I could do it. "Step by step," I told myself. By 5:30pm I was already telling myself that it was okay if I couldn't do it. I soon turned myself around again. I couldn't think like that. Sure, it might not happen, I would have to listen to my body, but I would never make it through if I thought I couldn't. As I tell my boys all the time - "Whether you think you can or think you can't - you're right." I chose to think I could.
The drive home from work took longer than usual as I kept delaying it, putting it off, worrying about it. Thankfully, I knew I had at least one stop in front of me as I had to get gas in my car and pick up some mushrooms for a recipe. Still, for the entire 50 miles I laughed at myself as my brain started picking apart things that felt hurt on my body - trying to give me reasons (excuses, really) to put it off.
By 7pm I was home. The weather looked slightly threatening, overcast, but it certainly didn't look like the rain was looming too much. I laughed again and yelled in my head to myself, to the world -- "DO YOUR WORSE! YOU CAN'T STOP ME!"
I put on my compression capris from Old Navy and they felt wrong. I didn't care.
I put on my Nike sports bra, which got all rolled up as I was sweating in the house already. I laughed.
I put on my Champion T-shirt and stroked the logo for luck.
Under Armour socks. Nike shoes. I was branded out and ready to go.
I stepped outside my door, set my Nike + GPS program and started my C25k program for Week 5, Day 3. "It's ON!" I thought.
I was nervous for the entire 5 minute walk, so the positive self-talk started super early.
"20 minutes? That's just, what 4-5 songs? Use that as a guide if you need to."
"Just take it slow and easy. Don't dare worry about speed today."
"Hills are great! If I can complete this it will be amazing - but if I can complete it with hills, I'll be incredible!"
"Muhammad Ali said he hated every minute of training. Be better than Ali - love the training! Love it for how it builds a better body and gives you moments of brilliance you never expected."
"Shock everyone. Shock yourself!"
"Be better than you were yesterday and every day before."
"Just think about the after party!"
"Every single step is important. EVERY ONE! Yes, that one, and the next. Whoop! Another important step."
I felt easy and light, but when I got over my first running hill and turned, I tried to calm down my breathing a bit. I told myself to pace myself to find my rhythm.
"There it is! Keep on it. Let your body lead you."
I got the 1/2 mile voice feedback, then 3/4 mile, then 1 mile.
"When did I start running? 5 minutes in, and she told me 1/4 of a mile before the run started. Ooh, isn't this the 3rd running song?"
Around 9 minutes into the run, my positive self-talk ended. Not because had given up, but because I had lost myself in my footfalls. I lost myself in the thought that I might just make it. And then I stopped thinking at all and I ran. Not until she said I had been on it for 23 1/2 minutes did I start thinking again. And the only thought was, "I'm ACTUALLY going to DO THIS!"
When the ding told me to cool down, I took an extra running step and then the smile spread across my face.
I actually spoke aloud.
"OH MY GOD! I DID IT!"
I skipped a step. I tried to sing but couldn't get it out. The song that had popped on? "Don't Rain on My Parade" by Bah-bra! I cannot tell you how many times this song popping out has put me into an amazing mood during, after, or even before a run.
The glee wouldn't stop. It lasted through cool down, through the after party I threw for myself as Ethan greeted me in the yard and asked how it went. I couldn't hardly speak. I was just singing, and dancing. I wanted to jump and dance and throw the biggest party in the world. i wanted to run again immediately.
I DID IT! MOMMY RAN 20 MINUTES STRAIGHT!
He wanted to know my pace time. I laughed at him and told him, "But Mommy ran her first full mile tonight!" That got the proper praise as he dropped his jaw and told me how wonderful that was. I danced with the dog. And then Ethan helped me take pictures for all of you, wherein I did something else I have always wanted to do but was always afraid of.
I danced (literally) into the house, shook my butt for my husband, told him the good news and threw another party inside. Hubs' response? "Man! You're so friggin' sweaty! Go take a shower before you sit on the furniture!" *face/palm* I laughed again. Nothing could break my good mood.
My only thoughts the rest of the night were, "Before today I was just a beginner. Now I'm a runner." And the picture I've had on my computer at work and thought I might be able to use one day when I believed it.
And that's exactly how I feel now.
Week 5 Day 3 Completed
Total Time: 31:23
Total Distance: 1.84 miles
Average Pace Time: 17 min/mi
Calories Burned: 330 calories
Adventures in Running from this FitFat Girl continue...
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