Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
My stomach was turning all day. In part because it was still messed up from Friday's fiasco/sudden illness. But more in part because I had 20 minutes of straight running ahead of me.
Around 4pm, I started surfing for inspirational quotes. I fed myself a healthy diet of positive energy and kept telling myself I could do it. "Step by step," I told myself. By 5:30pm I was already telling myself that it was okay if I couldn't do it. I soon turned myself around again. I couldn't think like that. Sure, it might not happen, I would have to listen to my body, but I would never make it through if I thought I couldn't. As I tell my boys all the time - "Whether you think you can or think you can't - you're right." I chose to think I could.
The drive home from work took longer than usual as I kept delaying it, putting it off, worrying about it. Thankfully, I knew I had at least one stop in front of me as I had to get gas in my car and pick up some mushrooms for a recipe. Still, for the entire 50 miles I laughed at myself as my brain started picking apart things that felt hurt on my body - trying to give me reasons (excuses, really) to put it off.
By 7pm I was home. The weather looked slightly threatening, overcast, but it certainly didn't look like the rain was looming too much. I laughed again and yelled in my head to myself, to the world -- "DO YOUR WORSE! YOU CAN'T STOP ME!"
I put on my compression capris from Old Navy and they felt wrong. I didn't care.
I put on my Nike sports bra, which got all rolled up as I was sweating in the house already. I laughed.
I put on my Champion T-shirt and stroked the logo for luck.
Under Armour socks. Nike shoes. I was branded out and ready to go.
I stepped outside my door, set my Nike + GPS program and started my C25k program for Week 5, Day 3. "It's ON!" I thought.
I was nervous for the entire 5 minute walk, so the positive self-talk started super early.
"20 minutes? That's just, what 4-5 songs? Use that as a guide if you need to."
"Just take it slow and easy. Don't dare worry about speed today."
"Hills are great! If I can complete this it will be amazing - but if I can complete it with hills, I'll be incredible!"
"Muhammad Ali said he hated every minute of training. Be better than Ali - love the training! Love it for how it builds a better body and gives you moments of brilliance you never expected."
"Shock everyone. Shock yourself!"
"Be better than you were yesterday and every day before."
"Just think about the after party!"
"Every single step is important. EVERY ONE! Yes, that one, and the next. Whoop! Another important step."
I felt easy and light, but when I got over my first running hill and turned, I tried to calm down my breathing a bit. I told myself to pace myself to find my rhythm.
"There it is! Keep on it. Let your body lead you."
I got the 1/2 mile voice feedback, then 3/4 mile, then 1 mile.
"When did I start running? 5 minutes in, and she told me 1/4 of a mile before the run started. Ooh, isn't this the 3rd running song?"
Around 9 minutes into the run, my positive self-talk ended. Not because had given up, but because I had lost myself in my footfalls. I lost myself in the thought that I might just make it. And then I stopped thinking at all and I ran. Not until she said I had been on it for 23 1/2 minutes did I start thinking again. And the only thought was, "I'm ACTUALLY going to DO THIS!"
When the ding told me to cool down, I took an extra running step and then the smile spread across my face.
I actually spoke aloud.
"OH MY GOD! I DID IT!"
I skipped a step. I tried to sing but couldn't get it out. The song that had popped on? "Don't Rain on My Parade" by Bah-bra! I cannot tell you how many times this song popping out has put me into an amazing mood during, after, or even before a run.
The glee wouldn't stop. It lasted through cool down, through the after party I threw for myself as Ethan greeted me in the yard and asked how it went. I couldn't hardly speak. I was just singing, and dancing. I wanted to jump and dance and throw the biggest party in the world. i wanted to run again immediately.
I DID IT! MOMMY RAN 20 MINUTES STRAIGHT!
He wanted to know my pace time. I laughed at him and told him, "But Mommy ran her first full mile tonight!" That got the proper praise as he dropped his jaw and told me how wonderful that was. I danced with the dog. And then Ethan helped me take pictures for all of you, wherein I did something else I have always wanted to do but was always afraid of.
I danced (literally) into the house, shook my butt for my husband, told him the good news and threw another party inside. Hubs' response? "Man! You're so friggin' sweaty! Go take a shower before you sit on the furniture!" *face/palm* I laughed again. Nothing could break my good mood.
My only thoughts the rest of the night were, "Before today I was just a beginner. Now I'm a runner." And the picture I've had on my computer at work and thought I might be able to use one day when I believed it.
And that's exactly how I feel now.
Week 5 Day 3 Completed
Total Time: 31:23
Total Distance: 1.84 miles
Average Pace Time: 17 min/mi
Calories Burned: 330 calories
Adventures in Running from this FitFat Girl continue...
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Yep, I have moved from calling myself "the fat girl" to calling myself "the fitfat girl." Mostly because I still weigh over 300 pounds and, yet, somehow I can run now for over 8 minutes at a time. Because I walk lighter on my feet, I feel better than good most days, and because I can see my body becoming a runner-type ...well, okay, I can FEEL it happening...even if I can't SEE it yet.
My run in South Carolina was magic, I tell you. Pure magic. Somehow the combination of being somewhere new with new roads and new things to see and in a place I find so calming made me move like I've never moved before. I ran without thinking a lot of the time. And when I was thinking, it was good thoughts about the world, not the regular positive self-talk mantras I force upon myself to "make it through" a run. My legs felt right under me. I could feel my muscles responding to each and every step. I didn't feel like a poser anymore...I felt like a runner out for a morning run. And not only did I almost complete a 5k that morning (honestly, I would have done it if I didn't have to pee so bad! *lol*), but I went faster than I ever have before...at one point (according to my Nike +) at a sub 9-minute-mile pace. This from a girl who a year ago was trying her best to WALK 2 miles at a 30-minute pace and couldn't even DREAM of running yet.
Total Time: 41:59
Total Distance: 2.76 miles
Average Pace: 15'12/mile
Calories burned: 546
It took me all day to accept that the conditions had simply been right for it and that my Nike+ wasn't seriously effed up in terms of calibration (actually it took me all week because I was back to my slow pacing last night during my first 8 minute runs). It still seems unreal and I still have every intention to recalibrate the thing just to be sure...I think it's time. I've put it off because I've been using the same program the whole time, and I didn't want to get discouraged knowing that it was even 1 hundredth of a mile off. I didn't want to feel like I was going backwards. But I'm getting to a point now where it is going to matter for my 5k training what my actual distance and speed are...so it's time to get to the track soon and recalibrate it. But no matter what it says, I can still say that I ran faster than I have EVER run before. And because I don't believe it's more than 3 minutes off my pace time even with the worst calibration, I can fully say that even according to Spark's standards (which used to totally annoy me) I AM RUNNING.
On Wednesday night I did my first day of week 5. I didn't feel all that good...I've had a few bad eating days at work, but I learned one important thing from my run in SC -- I do best on an empty stomach. I've done so much reading about how to fuel your runs exactly 30 minutes to an hour beforehand, and I've been following that guideline the whole time. But on that morning in SC, I didn't give two craps about that. I drank a cup of coffee, put my clothes on, drank as much water as I could down, and then I just HAD to get out there. And running on that empty stomach really felt better for me than any running with the proper fuel has. So on Wednesday, I stopped eating in the day around 1-2pm. I was home by 5:30pm and at the park by 6pm for my run.
The clouds looked menacing, but I just sent up some wishes for the rain to hold out. And then I ran. I ran confronting every fear I've ever carried with me. Running while I don't feel 100%. Running in front of other people, especially young teens. Running in front of a guy I know from the gym who is a much better runner. Running in front of everyone. I was no longer on my side street out in the rural place I live with really only the cows and horses and dogs watching me, a few random people sprinkled in. I was doing this. I was coming out of the running closet. I'm Here! I'm FitFat! And no matter how slow I go -- I'm running. And then I got to add to that the fear of the weather as nearing the end of my last running segment, the skies unfolded and unleashed a short and sudden downpour over my head. I kept running. My kids and hubs had disappeared, I guessed (rightly) to the safety and shelter of the car), but I kept running. I put my sunglasses on to block the rain from getting in my eyes, and then took them off when they were so covered in water I couldn't see. But I KEPT RUNNING. As the rain stopped, so did my last running segment and my cool down began. I was soaked, tired, and yet, triumphant. What's more -- my pace was still pretty quick, even with the downpour and strong headwinds.
Total Time: 31:22
Total Distance: 2.0 miles
Average Pace: 15'38/mile
Calories burned: 402
Yesterday I tried to eat better all day. My 1/2 a bagel for breakfast, potato soup and salad for lunch, and then an apple as a snack around 3pm. And when I got home, I put on my running gear and decided to try my first 8 minute runs outside on my busy main road (it's a state route, so it tends to get busy around the evenings). The sky looked good...a little cloudy but no dark clouds full of sudden torrential downpours. I set out ready to go and kick those 8 minute runs in the butt! And then everything else started falling apart. My Nike + app failed to give me any voice feedback, which I have been thriving on to get through, then my C25k app wasn't giving me voice feedback, which meant I missed the start of my second running segment (but, it's alright, I missed that segment by 45 seconds, but I missed the cool down prompt by a minute 30, so I actually ran MORE than 8 minutes that second time), and at one point my music stopped playing altogether and all I could hear was cars passing and my heavy panting and my feet on the gravel. Oh, yeah...and that gravel. Usually I run at home in early mornings or late enough to avoid the bulk of traffic...but since I was early getting to this evening run, I had more traffic to deal with, which meant less time I could spend on the actual road, and more time in the gravel, uneven shoulder. I nearly tweaked my ankle a few times...once during cool down! And let's not even get into an even STRONGER headwind on the way back.
Let's be honest, last night's run was not a "WOOHOO" in the running department. It was a "WOOHOO" however in the fact that I finished it. The thought of trying to combine the 5 and 3 minute runs into 8 minute runs worried the crap out of me. "They're CRAZY!" I thought. Turns out, they're not. (And remind me of that on Monday when I try my first 20 minute run...though I still think THAT is an insane jump of time spent running!) Still, I spent a lot of the time with my positive-self-talker pulling myself through it. Favorite lines from last night?
Pain is your body's way of telling you it's challenging itself and doing more than it thought it could.
You can totally do this.
Hills are good. We LOVE hills. Remember, we've got to hill train for that first big hill in our goal race!
This gravel is like trail running, which you've always wanted to try. Think of it that way. Trust your feet.
Sure, the other path (giving up) is easier. But it's not more fun. It's more fun to challenge expectations and shock everyone - to shock yourself. You are making yourself into a runner, and that's not an easy thing. If it was, everyone in the world would be out running all day. You are making things happen and teaching your body how hard work can pay off.
And my favorite stand-by:
I don't care how slow you go...just DO NOT stop running!
It was pretty slow in regards to my last 2 efforts, but still a good pace. And I never thought a 300 pound body could move that fast or that well for that long. I have more bounce in my stride. I try not to concentrate too much on form because I'm trying to let my body just do what it seems to know how to do.
Total Time: 33:19
Total Distance: 2.01 miles
Average Pace: 16'34/mi
Calories burned: 364
Of course, later that night the stomach pains started. Violent pains during a not-so-healthy dinner choice picked out by the fam. (We ended up back at our favorite pizza joint where I usually have a meatball sub. Part way through my sub it became unbearable. I tried to suffer through, but after a while I was getting worried. When I was at my highest ever weight and almost bedridden I had a hernia with a bowel obstruction...and this was feeling a lot like that. Of course, I know that every once in a great while I'm struck with horrible gas pain that feels similar...and as I went to the bathroom and started burping uncontrollably, I was hopeful that THIS was the cause of the pain and not a hernia. But I was still scared. I had pushed my body...and while it didn't hurt when I was running, I was scared I had done too much. And I spent the rest of the night crying and screaming and praying for the pain to go away and praying for it to be gas. I felt better after a violent yakking session (TMI? *lol*) but it still hurt and I spent the rest of the night in bed trying to sleep it off. Thankfully, I feel better this morning, but I'm still nervous because I'm not sure what exactly that was. Honestly I never thought I'd WISH I had gas pain or even food poisoning, but I'm hopeful that it was simply that.
I have a couple days off from running. Going to try to walk a bit at the gym today but I don't want to overdo it after the craziness that was last night. Sunday? If I feel up to it and the weather's nice, I'm thinking I wouldn't mind a bit of tennis...or some swimming at the lake.
I have to say that I haven't been pushing myself as much on the off days lately. Just getting through these runs is as much as my mind can handle right now...and, yes, I'm totally scared and freaked out about Monday's run...but I will do it. I must do it. I told Hubs that I need to write a 20 minute monologue of "positive-self-talk-girl" for Monday, but I will be out there doing it.
FitFat girl...signing off! Catch me if you can!! :)
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Before I say anything else, let me say that this goes on record as one of the BEST vacations I have ever had...even if a little too short. ;)
The drive was almost uneventful. Hubs and I got into a fight on our way into Virginia. Let me explain...Hubs and I have been together since we were about 13 years old...and sometimes we still act like children. While going through one of the tunnels through the mountains, the boys and I attempted to hold our breath all the way through, and Hubs decided to be silly and roll his window up and down and up and down to make me laugh...and as I tried not to laugh I was gasping for breath and trying to not take one and then I grabbed what I thought was the front of his shirt to try to motion him to stop but ended up pulling some skin and hair on his chest. Oops! So, yes we both acted like children and then we decided to start fighting about it at the rest stop wherein I (tired as I already was) started crying and he walked off and then I ended up in the bathroom with no TP...it wasn't looking good. And then I walked back outside to the car, and Hubs met me halfway and apologized and we hugged and I cried a couple more tears and we said we loved each other and THAT set the tone for the rest of our trip.
Somehow we were more forgiving, more thoughtful of one another. We fought one other time but only for a few seconds and we made up right after and then he apologized again some time later. I can't explain how we've both become such different people in a year, and, yes, I absolutely think this journey I have taken has something to do with it. I've helped encourage a more active family. I've encouraged them to take risks and let go and be free and respect each other. And Hubs has taught me a lot this year about how we don't always get what we want, and that's okay, but that patience will win out eventually and that it's okay to go for what you want and still not get it because it's all about the trying and doing and attempting to be that builds the character of a person. And my kids have taught me that exercise and being active can be fun, and that sometimes it's okay to be a little impatient because it can push you toward what you want that much quicker and with a little more drive. And somehow, those few short days in Myrtle Beach showed me how we've all come full-circle in a year. I kept comparing this trip to the one last March, both comparing myself and our reactions to one another and our attitudes and I was just proud and amazed and in complete love with who we have become together. And that's what I'll most take away from this weekend.
Now for the rest. :)
Saturday - the long drive. I slept some, but not much. We got caught behind a wreck in SC just an hour and half or so from our destination and were stuck for about 40 minutes longer than we should have been. (NOTED CHANGE) When we checked into our villa it was about 6pm and I immediately unpacked everyone. We had very little time to enjoy this vacation, and I wanted everything to go smoothly without digging through suitcases and bags for things. (Before, I would want to eat or sit down and rest before doing anything...or explore. I've learned priorities - about setting yourself up for success by taking time to make preparations that will help later, even if it delays gratification.) We set up the internet (which took a while and I eventually had to do a hard reboot to get the modem to work) and I made a spaghetti dinner while prepping a grocery list of the necessary items for the weekend. We made a quick trip to the store to get the items we needed (and, yes, I did coupon - they doubled up to .99!! *lol*). And then we rushed back to our villa to hop in the pool around 9pm. Before the night was over, Ethan and I sneaked out in the car to find the closest beach access - and ran onto the beach in the dark and had a ball for a few minutes with our feet lapped by the waves.
Sunday morning I woke up around 7am. (What is it with me and waking up at 7am now? CHANGE NOTED - my exercise and activity levels now regulate a lot of my sleep patterns. I have less difficulty falling asleep and I tend to wake up a lot easier.) It was Father's Day, so I immediately got to work making the Hubs eggs, bacon and toast - his favorite breakfast. I brought it to him in bed and it was just what he needed to wake him up bright and early! We got our swim stuff on again and headed straight for the beach. (CHANGE NOTED - I always back a bag of snacks and drinks and such for the beach...but the bag keeps getting smaller, and used less. The first beach trip no one touched a single snack. In fact, of our 3 beach trips, only once did Hubs reach in for munchies.)
I got into the water...and then I got in more...and then you couldn't stop me! For those of you that don't know, I have spent the past 5-6 years trying to conquer my fear of the ocean and ocean waves. When I was 6 or so there was an unfortunate incident involving me on a beach in Florida while my mom took a picture, my sister holding my hand, and then suddenly not holding my hand, a wave clipping my little legs out from under me and me swallowing so much salt water it made me sick and I thought I was going to drown until someone swooped me up. I remember very little from when I was little - but I remember that...and it has terrified me ever since. So each year I go in a little bit more. I had made it to my waist last year, but it was still super scary for me. Every wave that crashed I thought was going to be the one to take me out - and even the smell of the salt water so close made me gag. This year, I have no clue what came over me. Maybe it was the fact that I've conquered so many fears already that I felt a little invincible, but in I went, and for over an hour I swam in the waves, rode them back to shore, swam back out into them, barely touching the bottom, even with Hubs telling me I was going out too far! An hour later, after we emerged from the best ocean experience ever because we all enjoyed it together, I looked at Hubs and said, "Well I guess I got over THAT fear."
Hubs and I...Wish I could quickly pull out a comparison photo but it's on my other computer. Will have to do that later.
This is a girl with a healthy respect for the power of the ocean, not a paralyzing fear of it.
Logan is growing up TOO fast! He was checking out chicks in bikinis!! And reporting on their hotness factor. *face/palm*
We came out all happy and hungry and headed to the villa to change. I had been telling Hubs that he owed me on dinner or lunch out, and this was to be the lunch (perfect for Father's Day too...yeah, I didn't think of that so I did end up paying for it). We tried to go to our favorite sushi/hibachi at Broadway at the Beach, but they didn't open until dinner. We tried another Indo/Jap/Thai place, but they had DOLPHIN on the menu (no friggin' lie...is that legal??) so we left after he brought our waters and before we ordered. We finally ended up at the Chinese buffet next to the Giant Crab (which didn't open until 1pm..*sigh*). It ended up being a great "oops!" choice. The food was pretty good. Sushi on a buffet always = YES! for me. And they had a "choose your own" hibachi grill wherein you picked the veggies and meats and rice or noodles you want, hand the guy the plate and he cooks it up for you. YUM YUM YUM! And all for 12 bucks each (which SOUNDS expensive but really it'll cost you more than that for just 1 hibachi dinner anywhere, even here in Charleston!).
And then after that? I napped. *lol* Felt amazing! But after THAT... Well, we tried the indoor pool at the villa but it was COLD...so we went back to the beach.
And THIS is what you get in the HOT SC sun when you forget to reapply every 20 minutes and you have red hair and very fair skin and you go to the beach twice in one day and stay in the water the whole time...
And by that time we'd worked up yet another appetite, and someone mentioned pizza and we ended up here:
Where we had a Mighty Meaty pizza. (OMG the applewood smoked bacon MADE this pizza...and I dare anyone to eat more than 2 slices because it was SOO filling. I had one and then a bit of the House Calzone.)
House calzone - tomatoes, spinach, mushrooms and LOTS of mozzarella cheese!
And, least I forget, Shock Top Raspberry beer which smelled all fruity but DID NOT taste it - just tasted smooth and great with ZERO aftertaste or bite. I actually finished mine before Hubs did his (he's always commenting how SLOW I drink...in fact, everyone is always commenting on that! *lol*).
Oh, and...yes, I couponed Sunday morning on vacation. *snort*
Monday was the day of my big run...and I think I need an entire other blog to talk about that amazing experience. LOVED it! After the run, I showered, and then had a bath. *lol* No one was up, and I had brought my bath salts on a whim, so I used them for my aching joints and muscles and soaked for a bit while everyone started rolling out of bed. Then we had breakfast and were off again.
I took the boys to the 2nd st/ave pier while (I thought, at least) Hubs got some work done (he actually ended up sleeping! *lol*).
Look at the face Logan is giving me! *lol*
And then I took them UNDER the pier (something I've always wanted to do!)...
Talked to a man under there about the lighting and natural (kinda) framing and how beautiful it was only to find out that I'd been talking all smart-like with a studio photographer. Here I am talking about this artsy crap while I shoot with my little iPhone and he whips out the huge DSLR with the long lens and I feel like a dolt...and mostly feel like I want one and I wonder if he'd let me shoot a couple pictures with it. Just made me feel even more that I need to nurture this passion in the proper manner (that means saving up for a proper camera).
The boys and I, completely soaked, headed back to the villa to pick up Hubs and head back to the beach with some body boards we had bought to ride waves with. SO FUN! Only not fun thing? Sand in your dang bathing suit ...ITCHY! Do you guys have this problem? It was only itching in the water but OMG it would NOT stop itching! I've never been out there much to notice but by the end of it I was in tears from it. WTF is the deal and is there a way to stop it?
I made us some amazing chicken with rice and broccoli and green peppers for dinner (no pics) and then we went to Broadway at the Beach to walk around and (more importantly) feed the CRAZY fish there! We ended up getting ice cream at Cold Stone Creamery which Ethan and I trashed quite early but Logan and Hubs TRIED to finish (but eventually failed as well! *lol*) and I looked at some Nikes in Rack Room Shoes (but didn't buy). Finally, back to the villa and we hit the outdoor pool one more time before the night was up and I went back to the villa to pack up the place and clean.
And by yesterday morning at 9am we were on the road and returning home. And somehow my grumpy attitude returned as soon as we hit the WV border. *sigh*
I miss the ocean already, but I feel blessed to have had this time. We kept commenting on how it had been our shortest ever and yet we'd done so much and had so much fun and found great staples to add to our regular yearly trips (which WILL be happening EVERY year!) - like Mellow Mushroom and the Sushi...I mean, Chinese buffet and riding the waves and feeding the fishies at Broadway at the Beach! I still feel more and more like I belong closer to the beach for some reason. I know a lot of people feel that way, but I've got this huge pull in me and I wish more than anything I could move out there full-time or at least get a second place there. *sigh* Home away from home...
* ate like crap some of the time.
* stuck to my running workouts and ran faster than ever.
* felt amazing.
* napped both days.
* took care of me and took care of family.
* had a blast.
* swam, swam, swam.
* got over my fear of the ocean.
All in all, I'd say that was a pretty darn good weekend. :)
Saturday, June 18, 2011
This morning we are leaving for the beach, and I'm completely stoked, if not a little bit tired from staying up late to pack. ;) I'm looking forward to walks on the beach, runs on the beach, a fitness center I can use at the property, running shoes that are packed and ready for W4D3, and tons of other little adventures on the way.
As far as the scale goes, I've been holding steady all week around 321 (I wanted a measurement before I left). I can tell you right now that my eating has not been the best, but I've been trying to keep moving to make up for it - and it seems to be working. With trying to quit smoking and all that goes with that, I can't say I'm surprised...usually moody and hungry follow whenever I try to break the habit.
Yesterday's run was both difficult and amazing. I could tell as I was getting my Nike + GPS feedback that I was going faster than last time and I ended up covering 1.89 miles in my run, which felt great. Almost to the 2 mile mark, nearly 2 miles 3 times a week...that feels like perfect prep for that August 5k I hope to run (though I'm still super scared of that first big hill wiping me out for the rest of the race).
As I ran yesterday, I kept certain mantras in my head. I told myself that my legs were strong and my body light. I told myself, "I don't care how slow you go or if it doesn't even look like running - you WILL NOT STOP!" And it worked. On both of the 3 minute runs I felt like I could go longer. As for the 5 minute runs? Not so much. *lol* But I wasn't dying in them, I wasn't begging for an end (okay, maybe in the last 30 seconds of the last 5 minute run! *lol*). I was pushing forward, proud, and glad to be back working toward a goal I've kept with me, secretly tucked away, my entire life.
I must say that I still get nervous with every single run. I am hoping that goes away eventually, but that little ghost whispering of my previous injury and how it held me back keeps haunting me. I keep telling myself, "Since then you've lost weight. Since then you've gained strength throughout your body. You've been prepping yourself for this. YOU CAN DO THIS!" So far so good... ;)
So as I head down to the place where all the thinking about "I think it's time to get this weight off once and for all" began, I'm pretty proud that I've made it this far. Yes, I still have a long ways to go - but there is no finish line, there is only miles ahead of me, track that remains to be covered, lessons to be learned along the way, and that still same feeling of slow, but steady, progress toward my goals.
Who would've thought I would ever be the kind of person who thought, "I MUST run. It is a part of my essence to know that I can, to be able to, and to feel that feeling of flying each and every day of my life and whenever I choose to pull it out and use it." Who wouldn't thought it? Me, that's who. I always wanted to be the kind of person that got up and ran 5 miles every morning...secretly I always wanted that for myself...even if I never told anyone about it before. For me, running isn't about getting those pounds off me or making the fat melt away, it's about fulfilling a dream I never told anyone about - to be the person I always wanted to be. When we're coming into adulthood, we start thinking that we are who we are, and we can't change that. It wasn't until a few years ago that I realized, I can shape the person I am and what I do. And with each step I run, I'm doing just that.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
So week 1 of my restart had its good moments and its bad moments. As of today I am 323 pounds...still. Which means I lost nothing, but also that I gained nothing this week. So how'd this all work out for me?
1) I finished week 3 of C25k on Monday. I had planned all day to run, and then at the last minute discovered the kids were at G'mas so Hubs and I had a quick "date night" wherein we went out to eat some Chinese food. When we got home later, I struggled over whether to still try for my run or not, but I finally just got up, put on my running clothes and headed out the door. 30 minutes and 1.75 miles later, C25k Week 3 was done, plus some. I had one exhilarating moment in my first 3 minute running segment where I felt like a runner again instead of a faker or fraud and I ended my cool down with a shimmy and shake and felt good about my progress.
2) I made two serious attempts to kick the smoking habit. For serious, it's been hard and the emotions that come up when I'm trying to stop are brutal, but I've gotten so close that I now know that I CAN do this. It's probably one reason why my weight has remained steady. Today will be serious attempt #3. Third times a charm, right?
3) On my weekend trip to Columbus, my mini-vacation, I ate more sensibly than I have ever done on a trip like this. I questioned my 'hunger' pains and questioned my best choices. 9 times out of 10, I made the right choices. So even though there were cinnamon rolls and pizza, I still feel like I win this week because I'm getting closer again to complete control.
4) I found the dress for the wedding. What's more - it was a size 20 instead of the old 26 standby (and before I started here, dresses in that style in a size 26 may or may not have fit me at all). I feel good about that and happy that I was able to bust my butt enough this past year to get where I am now. I told Mom on Saturday, "Do you know the last time I was in a size 20? I think it was junior high!"
The Not So Good
1) I never started 30DS. I made workouts happen when I could, but I've left ST on the back burner this week so I could refocus. But I think that's part of a good restart. Not being perfect, but building those good building blocks again, little by little.
2) Again, I didn't lose any weight this week. But I didn't gain either. Yesterday was a super hard day. I've been super-charged emotional all week but yesterday, after eating a lot of my feelings, I had a heart to heart with Hubs and explained that I'm in a not so good place right now and I need someone to listen to me about that because I'm feeling ignored by those closest to me. He listened, hugged me hard, explained he didn't know I had been feeling that way and tried to make a go at figuring out how to break me out of this slump I'm in.
So, yeah. It was a difficult week full of ups and downs. I'm taking it one step at a time. People keep saying, "You're doing great!" and I'm trying not to come back with, "Really, I'm not." I'm trying to be more positive and focused.
I can't tell you right now what this week will hold for me. We're planning a bit of a road trip this weekend but we're not sure yet where that will take us. I'm going to try to remain conscious of my goals, conscious of what I'm eating, what I should be eating, my calorie counts for each day, and my workouts.
As far as running is concerned. I get nervous and scared every single running day (like today). I checked the history on my C25k app and realized that mid-December I ran W4D1 and then had to quit there. So if I get past today and run again on Friday, I'll have made it further than I ever have before. And while that's exciting, it's also scary. Am I ready? Can I do this? One foot in front of the other, I'm going to try.
Today I will run. Tomorrow I will walk at lunch, because tomorrow is the Sara Bareilles/Sugarland concert. Friday I will run again, and then, this weekend? Who knows. Hiking maybe. Maybe walking a lot at King's Island. Maybe playing some paintball. Whatever is in store, I hope it's a healthy, active week of fun activities that helps me get my mind right again.
On to week 2!
EDIT: By "difficult" I mean that this has been an emotionally difficult week for me full of mixed emotions and that has translated to the off-and-on status I've had with my journey.
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