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Off on Another Adventure

Saturday, June 18, 2011

This morning we are leaving for the beach, and I'm completely stoked, if not a little bit tired from staying up late to pack. ;) I'm looking forward to walks on the beach, runs on the beach, a fitness center I can use at the property, running shoes that are packed and ready for W4D3, and tons of other little adventures on the way.

As far as the scale goes, I've been holding steady all week around 321 (I wanted a measurement before I left). I can tell you right now that my eating has not been the best, but I've been trying to keep moving to make up for it - and it seems to be working. With trying to quit smoking and all that goes with that, I can't say I'm surprised...usually moody and hungry follow whenever I try to break the habit.

Yesterday's run was both difficult and amazing. I could tell as I was getting my Nike + GPS feedback that I was going faster than last time and I ended up covering 1.89 miles in my run, which felt great. Almost to the 2 mile mark, nearly 2 miles 3 times a week...that feels like perfect prep for that August 5k I hope to run (though I'm still super scared of that first big hill wiping me out for the rest of the race).

As I ran yesterday, I kept certain mantras in my head. I told myself that my legs were strong and my body light. I told myself, "I don't care how slow you go or if it doesn't even look like running - you WILL NOT STOP!" And it worked. On both of the 3 minute runs I felt like I could go longer. As for the 5 minute runs? Not so much. *lol* But I wasn't dying in them, I wasn't begging for an end (okay, maybe in the last 30 seconds of the last 5 minute run! *lol*). I was pushing forward, proud, and glad to be back working toward a goal I've kept with me, secretly tucked away, my entire life.

I must say that I still get nervous with every single run. I am hoping that goes away eventually, but that little ghost whispering of my previous injury and how it held me back keeps haunting me. I keep telling myself, "Since then you've lost weight. Since then you've gained strength throughout your body. You've been prepping yourself for this. YOU CAN DO THIS!" So far so good... ;)

So as I head down to the place where all the thinking about "I think it's time to get this weight off once and for all" began, I'm pretty proud that I've made it this far. Yes, I still have a long ways to go - but there is no finish line, there is only miles ahead of me, track that remains to be covered, lessons to be learned along the way, and that still same feeling of slow, but steady, progress toward my goals.

Who would've thought I would ever be the kind of person who thought, "I MUST run. It is a part of my essence to know that I can, to be able to, and to feel that feeling of flying each and every day of my life and whenever I choose to pull it out and use it." Who wouldn't thought it? Me, that's who. I always wanted to be the kind of person that got up and ran 5 miles every morning...secretly I always wanted that for myself...even if I never told anyone about it before. For me, running isn't about getting those pounds off me or making the fat melt away, it's about fulfilling a dream I never told anyone about - to be the person I always wanted to be. When we're coming into adulthood, we start thinking that we are who we are, and we can't change that. It wasn't until a few years ago that I realized, I can shape the person I am and what I do. And with each step I run, I'm doing just that.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

4EVERADONEGIRL 6/22/2011 1:45PM

    I heart you super big!!!! Love this blog!

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CAALAN23 6/20/2011 4:43PM

    I am about to start up c25k again and you are an inspiration, schweets! Keep it up and have a blast at the beach!

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RAVENSONG37 6/20/2011 3:30PM

    It's wonderful to hear the positive energy in your words, so happy to hear about your runs.

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MADDEELOU 6/20/2011 9:39AM

    Congrats on a great run. I hope you have an excellent time in SC. I love the beach!

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SCHENPOSSIBLE 6/20/2011 12:07AM

    Have fun!

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BLACK-PRINCESS 6/19/2011 10:53AM


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MIQUEY73 6/19/2011 8:05AM

    Glad you're back to doing what you love! Have fun at the beach!!

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SUGARSMOM2 6/18/2011 6:23PM

  sounds like fun .. you go girl ...

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GOGOSHIRE 6/18/2011 10:57AM

    great post - I am going to borrow your mantra (I don't care how slow you go or if it doesn't even look like running - you WILL NOT STOP!" ) tomorrow on the uphill parts of runs. I have an issue with my slowness, and I need to get OVER IT ALREADY!

Safe travels. xo

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ERIN1128 6/18/2011 10:19AM

    Awesome on the running! Have a great time at the beach!

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 6/18/2011 9:20AM

    Awesome on the running. You are doing GREAT!

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FITNESSGIRL1020 6/18/2011 7:51AM

    Have a great time at the beach and keep working hard!!

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ELRIDDICK 6/18/2011 7:50AM

  Thanks for sharing

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A Difficult Week

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

So week 1 of my restart had its good moments and its bad moments. As of today I am 323 pounds...still. Which means I lost nothing, but also that I gained nothing this week. So how'd this all work out for me?

The Good:
1) I finished week 3 of C25k on Monday. I had planned all day to run, and then at the last minute discovered the kids were at G'mas so Hubs and I had a quick "date night" wherein we went out to eat some Chinese food. When we got home later, I struggled over whether to still try for my run or not, but I finally just got up, put on my running clothes and headed out the door. 30 minutes and 1.75 miles later, C25k Week 3 was done, plus some. I had one exhilarating moment in my first 3 minute running segment where I felt like a runner again instead of a faker or fraud and I ended my cool down with a shimmy and shake and felt good about my progress.

2) I made two serious attempts to kick the smoking habit. For serious, it's been hard and the emotions that come up when I'm trying to stop are brutal, but I've gotten so close that I now know that I CAN do this. It's probably one reason why my weight has remained steady. Today will be serious attempt #3. Third times a charm, right?

3) On my weekend trip to Columbus, my mini-vacation, I ate more sensibly than I have ever done on a trip like this. I questioned my 'hunger' pains and questioned my best choices. 9 times out of 10, I made the right choices. So even though there were cinnamon rolls and pizza, I still feel like I win this week because I'm getting closer again to complete control.

4) I found the dress for the wedding. What's more - it was a size 20 instead of the old 26 standby (and before I started here, dresses in that style in a size 26 may or may not have fit me at all). I feel good about that and happy that I was able to bust my butt enough this past year to get where I am now. I told Mom on Saturday, "Do you know the last time I was in a size 20? I think it was junior high!"

The Not So Good
1) I never started 30DS. I made workouts happen when I could, but I've left ST on the back burner this week so I could refocus. But I think that's part of a good restart. Not being perfect, but building those good building blocks again, little by little.

2) Again, I didn't lose any weight this week. But I didn't gain either. Yesterday was a super hard day. I've been super-charged emotional all week but yesterday, after eating a lot of my feelings, I had a heart to heart with Hubs and explained that I'm in a not so good place right now and I need someone to listen to me about that because I'm feeling ignored by those closest to me. He listened, hugged me hard, explained he didn't know I had been feeling that way and tried to make a go at figuring out how to break me out of this slump I'm in.

So, yeah. It was a difficult week full of ups and downs. I'm taking it one step at a time. People keep saying, "You're doing great!" and I'm trying not to come back with, "Really, I'm not." I'm trying to be more positive and focused.

I can't tell you right now what this week will hold for me. We're planning a bit of a road trip this weekend but we're not sure yet where that will take us. I'm going to try to remain conscious of my goals, conscious of what I'm eating, what I should be eating, my calorie counts for each day, and my workouts.

As far as running is concerned. I get nervous and scared every single running day (like today). I checked the history on my C25k app and realized that mid-December I ran W4D1 and then had to quit there. So if I get past today and run again on Friday, I'll have made it further than I ever have before. And while that's exciting, it's also scary. Am I ready? Can I do this? One foot in front of the other, I'm going to try.

Today I will run. Tomorrow I will walk at lunch, because tomorrow is the Sara Bareilles/Sugarland concert. Friday I will run again, and then, this weekend? Who knows. Hiking maybe. Maybe walking a lot at King's Island. Maybe playing some paintball. Whatever is in store, I hope it's a healthy, active week of fun activities that helps me get my mind right again.

On to week 2!

EDIT: By "difficult" I mean that this has been an emotionally difficult week for me full of mixed emotions and that has translated to the off-and-on status I've had with my journey.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

4EVERADONEGIRL 6/22/2011 1:43PM

    Good job girlie!!! Keep it up...on all fronts! (And hey - I happen to think the not so goods could still be in the good column!)

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RUSSELLORAMA 6/20/2011 9:59PM

    I'm so proud of you.

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SEEHOLZ 6/17/2011 2:12PM

    I think you are amazing for keeping on! That's all that matters.

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TEAM-SARAH 6/16/2011 12:10PM

    I'm so proud of you for sticking to the c25k!! You are definitely going to be setting new records for yourself shortly :) I hope the rest of the week looks up for you!

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 6/15/2011 9:08PM

    If this journey were easy everyone would be on it. And I have not doubt you will persevere. You know that you are strong and I will keep reminding you how AMAZING I think you are.

Best of luck on your running this week and have a wonderful weekend.

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SNOOKUMS19 6/15/2011 5:53PM

    Be good to you my friend!!!! Your are on the right path to health! Giving up the smoking is a huge deal!!!!! Working on that is a big success! Take a breathe and move on!

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JENNSWIMS 6/15/2011 5:46PM

    Quitting smoking was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it is also one of the greatest things I have ever done. You can do it!

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ANNIE7205 6/15/2011 5:40PM

    While there are difficult weeks here and there for all of us, it sounds like you've had some huge successes and made some really solid progress. Keep it up!

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SPUNKYDUCKY 6/15/2011 4:54PM

    I think you are being a little hard on yourself sweetie. You had a stressful week and you still accomplished a lot - that is a win in my book!

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ERIN1128 6/15/2011 2:31PM

    Sounds like things are going well. Glad hubby is being supportive!

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YOOVIE 6/15/2011 1:57PM

    this week was a win. NEXT!

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KKINNEA 6/15/2011 11:00AM

    Great week 1 wrap-up - you've got a good plan and you're making it happen.

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GOGOSHIRE 6/15/2011 10:22AM

    Since perfection is not attainable, this counts as a GREAT week instead of a difficult week, and I'm glad you're writing all this down in detail because you need to separate your feelings about the week with what actually transpired. Look at your title of your blog, and then reread it. They don't match, E. It was a great week - the "good" list clearly outweighs the "bad" list! You rocked the week! ROCKED IT, SISTER!

I think the fact that it felt difficult to you is significant, though, and one for the "good" side, as well, as it means that through reflection, you are always seeing ways in which you could improve behavior (starting 30DS, for example). There is nothing wrong with finding new ways to do more and to achieve more. That's excellent, and it's part of the process.

However, be fair to yourself, and always remember that "perfection" is not attainable. It's one thing to have goals that we don't meet, but it's another thing to label something (or ourselves) "bad" because we didn't meet the goals, especially when we met/exceeded so many others. The whole thing with others telling you that you are doing great but you not feeling like you are has a lot to do with you having the unrealistic perception that you are supposed to do everything absolutely perfectly constantly always all the time forever. And that's just not going to happen, no matter how many things go on the "good" list. It's not. Not for you, not for me, not for any one walking around this planet in a meat suit. Repeat after me: We. Are. Not. Perfect. And. We. Cannot. Have. Perfect. Days. Or. Weeks. Or. Months.

Your plan for the upcoming week to "remain conscious of [your] goals" is the best plan in the world because it says that your intention is to do your BEST (which does not equation perfection b/c you're a human). The specifics will reveal themselves when you have a better clue of what your week entails, but keeping your eye ahead of the turn is excellent.

Don't be afraid of W4. It's just the week after 3. Just because you dropped out before doesn't mean you have to again. Listen to your body, focus on the exhilarating moments you've had while running, and let them carry you through it.


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RUNNINGNP2B 6/15/2011 9:26AM

    Any week where you can step back and re-evaluate and appreciate both the good and the bad seems like a productive week and should be remembered as such.

Here's to w4!

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BLACK-PRINCESS 6/15/2011 7:17AM

    emoticon don't let the bad days get to you.

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LIVE2SAVELIVES 6/15/2011 6:46AM

    You are allowed to have good and bad days (and weeks) but just know that there are people (like me) who are inspired by you. So, you have to do this for yourself because YOU are most important, but after that do it for us! Know that there are people out here that are encouraged by you, and are right here by your side for the long haul!!!! Roll with it girlfriend, you can do this!!

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Weekend Update & Finding the Dress (with pics)

Monday, June 13, 2011

First of all, right out the gate I must say - I was PROUD of myself this weekend.

Friday morning I got up earlier than my alarm (around 7:30am). I started my day with some coffee, 1/2 a bagel, and some Spark before heading out for my run around 8am. The run went easier this time. Note, I did NOT say "easy" but I did say "easier" because while I'm still feeling the weight of lugging around this many extra pounds with something as difficult as running, I was able to finish, and even did a little extra running on top of that (during the cool down, and then extended my cool down to make up for it) because I just wasn't done yet. It has been an interesting process of figuring out my body and how it works and moves. Only real discomfort was a tensing up of my right shoulder, which I tried to shake out and didn't so much notice any tensing of those muscles by me, but whatever. I survived. ;) I went back to my old running shoes and I'm not sure if that helped or not. Basically, I feel like I need new shoes, period...but I cannot afford it yet, so until then I'll make do with what I have the best I can.

Week 3, Day 2 DONE! (Yes, I stole from Mama! ;) )

I hurried home, stretched out, ate a quick piece of toast with peanut butter, showered and dressed in record time as AM showed up just as I was finishing my makeup. *lol* The boys ran out to meet her and before long we had the car packed and were off on our grand dress-shopping adventure.

Two hours later we met my mother in Chillicothe to drop off the kids and part ways until later, well...and to have some lunch. We ended up at Bob Evans and I got myself a lunch portion size of this spaghetti dish with spinach and tomatoes, no sauce, and a bit of cheese sprinkled on top with a side salad to start. It was a super healthy option and I was proud. (It's funny, it seems the only time I can eat pasta without feeling guilty is either before or after a run...I've read too many "carb-load" stories in running magazines, me thinks!)

After that? A trip to Tim Horton's, as is our custom. Instead of chowing on something crazy, though, I ordered my medium mocha capp and then got FIVE Timbits. FIVE! HA! I've never eaten less than 10 of those things in a sitting before. Stupid balls of sugery evil goodness! But I ordered 5 so I wouldn't have 10 to eat. And you know what? It took me ALL DAY to eat them. I ate one at Tim Horton's and then stuffed the bag in my purse and nibbled on it now and again throughout the day when I wanted something sweet. To me, that's a sweet victory! ;)

We started our shopping adventure at Easton in Columbus. Huge mall. Tons of stores. We found nothing. Well, that's not true. We found a great deal on stuff at Bath & Body Works, and then I found a shirt at the Gap (reg. 20 bucks, marked down to 6!'s a goal shirt as it's a little tight right now). Oh, and then AM found some dark denim shorts she was keeping an eye out, and some MAC makeup for a coworker. So yeah, everything but a dress, try as we might. There seemed to be nothing. We were there for hours and I was sore and exhausted by the time we headed out (around 6pm or so)...and went back to my mom's house empty handed. Good thing I had made a Plan B!

Confession time? I had pizza that night. I can't get Donato's here and both AM and I *LOVE* Donato's, so it often tends to work out that we get Donato's pizza when we're up in Columbus together (she even took a pic to send her brother to taunt him with! *lol*). Turns out my mom loves their pizza too, but never gets it b/c my step-dad doesn't care for it.

But I WAS good earlier in the day. I realized I needed something to eat in between our shopping as I was fading fast. We went into California Pizza Kitchen, and while I tried a bite or two of AM's Chicken Club Pizza (strange!) I got myself a "small cravings" portion of their Meditteranean Plate, which had 1 pita bread cut in triangles, some hummus, a greek salad, and a couple chunks of feta cheese.

A good, healthy snack option...and I usually suck at those both on the weekends, and usually worse when on "vacation"...I think I did well.

Saturday morning I ended up waking up at 6:30am. And, no, I don't know why. *lol* I ran into town for underwear (I swear I always forget SOMETHING when I go to my Mom's house. I've even gone so far as to actually leave shampoo, conditioner and body wash at her house because I always forget them! *lol*) and then took a shower and ate a quick slice of toast with reduced-fat peanut butter. A little bit later, my Mom made me an omelet that my sister has been making which includes: olive oil, egg whites or egg subsitute, spinach, celery, garlic salt, and a bit of feta cheese on top. YUM! :)

AM and I headed out to the Dayton Mall, which I had researched and found out had a LOT of the stores we shop at and at which we might find a dress.

We got there at 10:30am with not so much hope in finding something. Our hopes fading with each store... *sigh* In the first store, Deb, I got the crazy idea to snap a picture of something I thought was truly hideous and send it to our friend to pretend we were wearing ungodly things to her wedding. *snicker*

The caption? "I found it!!!"

I joked to AM that she'd probably try to be nice and lie and say it was beautiful. And later she did just that! *lol* I figured if we were going to put ourselves through the process of trying on dresses (something I generally HATE) we were at least going to have some fun while doing it.

Deb was a joke.
Macy's was a bust...even AM had trouble finding her size! (And I couldn't find anything over a size 16.)

Torrid failed me miserably. I didn't want to pay 70 bucks for jeans even though my Torrid jeans from the Minnesota trip are now too big, but the only 22's they had on clearance were "jeggings" which are the joke of fat girls everywhere, me thinks. The girl asked why I didn't like them and I told her, "Jeans are supposed to HIDE that part of me, not accentuate it!" (If I wanted to show off my still ugly legs I'd wear shorts or a dress and be much more comfortable!) The only upside to the Torrid fitting was realizing that I'm not as big as I thought I was. When I went to MN I bought size 26 jeans. I tried a dress on at Torrid, just KNOWING it wouldn't fit because it was a 20...and it fit (just not the right way...I didn't feel comfortable with it).

After Torrid and Macy's I was feeling pretty miserable...and AM didn't look much better. And then, magically and out of nowhere, a Cinnabon appeared before us. (It did! I swear!!!) ;) It's another AM and I tradition when we can get to it because we don't have them here. Still, I was better than ever and ordered a minibon instead of a full cinnabon classic. And I left with my cup of coffee feeling like I'd won. I had had my cake...err...cinnamon roll...and ate it too.

We walked over to JC Penny's with renewed vigor and upon descending the escalator to the 1st floor, we found a little row of dresses tucked out of the way. It was there that we realized they had some styles both in regular and plus sizes. AM grabbed a size 8, I grabbed the biggest size I could find - a 20 (again, sure it wouldn't fit me). We turned a corner again and found TONS ...and I mean TONS of dresses...racks and racks, all on sale. I went through and grabbed anything that met our standards. Short, green/blue, and that would fit. I found a green dress that I wanted to fit me badly, but they only had it in a 16 (which was stretchy...but didn't look that great on me). AM came out and showed me the first dress we had found with a smile on her face. We looked at each other and said, "Wouldn't it be weird if mine fit too?" So I followed her to the dressing room with about 10 dresses to her 2 *lol* and I tried on the same dress in my size 20, sure I wouldn't make it past the girls.

It did! It fit! We had found the SAME dress in both our sizes and they looked good on both of us. We're calling it the Sisterhood of the Traveling Dress.

(My legs seriously need a tanning bed or spray tan or something!)

It's funny. On the way to Columbus on Friday, we had a talk with Sarah (the bride) on the phone and told her that everything would find a way of working itself out. (She's having the panic, "Oh crap am I really doing this?" and "I don't have ANYTHING ready for this wedding!" thing..) Looks like it worked itself out for us as well! Sarah liked the dresses we picked, and she picked a similar one the same day, all the way on the West coast, for the groom's cousin who will be an attendant at the wedding! It sounds meant to be.

We like these. They're not overly formal, so we actually can wear them again. I've got room to shrink a bit and just have the dress fit better instead of (as usual when I shrink) my boobage showing too much. We don't need specialty bras to wear them and they should be light enough fabric-wise so we don't die in the July Utah heat!

There was the whole incident of the dress falling off the hanger while I was shopping at the Sephora counter and my coffee spilling on it, me freaking out and trying to pay for it quick so I could soak it, and then the sales clerk insisting upon just getting me a new untainted dress from their stock. Somehow all that worked out too and I'm still a little in shock over how that happened. They were amazing to me! I kept saying, "But *I* did it! I don't want this to be someone else's problem!" And they told me it was fine and they pulled a new dress and all was well. :)

Best part? Dress was 80 bucks, but with the mega sale they were having, and a $10 off coupon at the register, it was 21 bucks! SCORE! How many people can say they paid 21 bucks for a bridesmaid dress? :)

Another pic from the trip for you:

I bought this shirt in January at the Grand Canyon. It's a size XL and it BARELY fit me when I got it. Now it fits well and I LOVE it. (The back says GO HIKE A CANYON!) :)

So even though yesterday was a crapshoot with parenting issues and a screaming match between the kids, the kids and me, me and hubs (everything fell apart yesterday!)...the weekend has to be scored in the GOOD column. I laughed a LOT with AM. We got along well. We're good at keeping each other in check diet-wise without being over-bearing or judgmental and having a bit of sweet here and there while trying to make up for it with healthy choices later. My mom and I talked a lot and got along really well and she even thanked me for the Donato's pizza (and it felt good to buy HER dinner for once!). We got the dress so that stress is over (but now I'm concerned with paying for the flight, booking hotels, car rentals maybe, oh! and shoes! *lol*).

I walked a TON, so even though I didn't get any dedicated workout in after my run Friday, I feel pretty good about the weekend. And I peeked yesterday and the scale has me back to 321 with a bit of bloat still from the road tripping (which I hope drops off by Wednesday... *chugs more water*). I'd like to try to be under 300 before this wedding next month, but I know that could be impossible, so the main goal is to just be under 100 pounds lost so I can proudly announce that number to my friend when she asks. I want to feel good about myself in both Vegas and Utah and I want to have the energy and stamina built up to deal with all the duties I'll likely put on myself to make a great time for my awesome friends.

Here's to good weekends!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGIRL06 7/6/2011 11:20AM

    Love the dresses! You were a crazy shopping diva! Its amazing when you are shopping in general you find all this great stuff but when you need something specific, there is nothing in your size/color/shape/etc!

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BAYBELIEVER 6/16/2011 9:53AM

    You are beautiful and that dress only compliments you and all that hard work you have done! Congrats!

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4EVERADONEGIRL 6/15/2011 9:26PM

    Looking awesome girlie and way to go on good choices!!!!

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 6/15/2011 9:35AM

    Beautiful dress.

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TEAM-SARAH 6/14/2011 5:15PM

    Super cute dress and so very re-wearable!! Great find, that's unbelievable that you were both striking out and then found the same dress!!! and uh, wow you tried on a 16 that fit that's so awesome!!!

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MANLEYSANDY 6/14/2011 4:46PM

    You look great!!!

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TREP13 6/14/2011 3:42PM

    Love the dress on you both! And your hair looks fabulous with that green shirt. Keep patting yourself on the back girl, you really do deserve it!!!

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MAGPIE17 6/14/2011 10:44AM

    Beautiful dress!

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MICHELLESMILES_ 6/13/2011 8:59PM

    Lookin Good Girl!

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COCOMAC7 6/13/2011 8:13PM

    Yay!!!! I love the dress and teh successful weekend you had!

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MAMADELIGHT 6/13/2011 7:30PM

    WOOT. You look great.

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EPSIGSIREN 6/13/2011 7:07PM

    I love that you congratulated yourself for all the "small" achievements, those are often the toughest ones! And, great dress :)

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46SHADOW 6/13/2011 6:23PM


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MEGSFITNESS 6/13/2011 6:22PM

    Wow! That was just a weekend?! Sounds like a great vacation :)

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CHICAT63 6/13/2011 4:22PM

    Congrats on finding dresse(s) woohoo! It looks great and perfect for a summer wedding as you've said you can wear it again. You had a great weekend !

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ERIN1128 6/13/2011 3:15PM

    Love the dress! Congrats on finding it!

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SARAHJ19 6/13/2011 2:12PM

    What an awesome weekend! I love your dress you found! That is so cool you guys got the same dress!! I love JCpenneys! Woohoo!!

Way to go on enjoying your favorite treats without going overboard!! That is what it is all about! You go girl! emoticon

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KKINNEA 6/13/2011 2:00PM

    Fantastic dress! JC Penney's always saves the day in my book. Sounds like you're able to run again with less pain - that's great!

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CAALAN23 6/13/2011 2:00PM

    Sounds like a healthy weekend to me! You are looking great!

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Day 2 - More to Learn

Thursday, June 09, 2011

So, am I all talk and no action? Sometimes, yes. Yesterday? No.

I got stickers on my page for:
emoticon Take 10-15 min Yoga Break
emoticon Find new Yoga Move and TRY IT!
emoticon Drink 8 glasses of water or more.
emoticon Log EVERY bit of food.
emoticon C25k W3D1 (sorta)
emoticon Clean at least 20 minutes

But is there room for improvement? HELL YES!

I took off early from work and left here at 2pm to head to the gym. All was going well until I discovered that I had forgotten to pack my sports bra in my gym bag. *sigh* There was NO WAY I was running in my regular bra (Hubs joked about black eyes). So I went home, taking a quick detour at the sports store for new inserts for my shoes.

Went home, started picking up and cleaned the living room for about 20 minutes. Fit my inserts into my shoes. Found my sports bra. Grabbed 1/2 a bagel with some cream cheese. And then sat there and stupid words came out of my mouth... "I want a meatball sub." *smacks forehead*

It's okay, I told myself later. Today (well, yesterday now) was just about being honest with myself again. So I was honest. I ate a CRAPTON of food. I stuffed myself beyond full. I felt horrible after physically, but refused to let the mental demons beat me up. And instead of going straight home to slip into a food coma after - I convinced Hubs to drop me off at the Riverfront Park, where I attempted W3D1 of C25k yet again.

And I swear I would have made it through if not for...
A) The food I ate, that kept trying to come back up. UGH!
B) 87 degrees with high humidity.
C) no water breaks.
D) two stupid track teen superstars that I swear I wanted to trip.

As it was, I finally had to stop about 1/4 of the way through the last running stint because ...well, because I wasn't getting enough oxygen to my lungs and body, I was swelling up super fast and I was feeling quite faint.

What I learned last night?
1) Eating crap food does not help fuel a positive workout experience.

2) Don't forget your stupid water bottle. I'm seriously considering one of those fuel belt things because the heat and humidity is just stupid this year and summer hasn't even started yet!

3) I HATE my shoes. I told Hubs that I think in winter they were fine. I bought the darn things because they hugged my feet a bit, but I bought them in January, and now that the swelling from the heat and humidity is coming out, hugging has turned into suffocating. My feet HURT as they fill up the entire area of the toe box and then squeeze together. This does not make for a good running experience. The inserts didn't help because they really aren't the issue - the issue is that my feet swell up and become too big for my shoes. I'm going to try to hit up a running store this weekend. *sigh* (that was my checkbook sighing)

4) Even though I've been away from the running game and C25k for MONTHS (although, mind you, I haven't been completely away from running as I've been working it back in in my own way the past couple weeks), I was just about ready to finish W3D1. As I expected, I don't need to start at the beginning. I need to prep myself better for the weather, maybe wait until after 7pm to run (I ran around 5:30pm = still really hot out), and maybe find a shadier place. Or *gulp* I need to get up early to run before the sun gets too hot. Still, I'm proud I did so well, even if I scared Hubs with my gagging and near yakking following that last running segment.

5) Oh yea! And, most importantly ...the time to stop smoking is NOW! I have half a pack left, which I'm trying to make last. Ethan has hid the rest of my carton so that after that I will have to ask my own child for a stupid smoke. (Sounds like horrible parenting, right?! I'm hoping that will keep me from asking too much, if at all.) Hopefully in a few weeks I'll be free of it completely.

So, that was yesterday. And all I am focused on today is continuing my honesty and trying to improve just a bit over yesterday's performance.

Each morning I plan out my "perfect day" - I write out all the goals I would like to meet, and if I did meet, I would go to bed extremely pleased with myself. Today's goals are:

* Take a 10-15 min yoga break
* Learn one new yoga move
* Incorporate new moves from this week
* Drink 8 glasses or more of water
* Stay between 1700-2000 calories
* Zumba class - 7pm
* (if cancelled, elliptical and rowing machine tonight)
* Make tofu stir fry and rice for dinner
* Clean for at least 20 minutes tonight
* Do laundry and pack for this weekend
* Get to bed by 10:30pm so I can get up early for my run tomorrow

Yesterday I hit most of my goals. I did, however, overeat entirely too much. I'm still struggling with how to deal with the heat and humidity, which sounds ridiculous, but when the only way you dealt with it in the past was to stay indoors and don't move too much, you have to learn how to incorporate movement into your daily routine that is filled with HEAT and HUMIDITY. (Remember, as much as I hate to admit and rarely act like it, I still weigh 320 pounds here. Too much insulation for running in 90 degree weather, yo!)

BUT - I ran, even though I didn't want to. I drank my water, cleaned, and did my yoga.

Yesterday's new yoga move?

I can't get my elbow to my knee because my stomach gets in the way, but I was super impressed with how well and for how long I could hold a squat. Hello strong legs! Nice to meet you!

A day at a time. Always learning.
Here's to an even better today!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SARAHJ19 6/13/2011 11:51AM

    Awesome!! I love how you are so real and honest with yourself and us! I really like how you write your goals out for the day! Thanks for the idea!! Hope you have a wonderful week!

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 6/11/2011 6:10PM


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BLACK-PRINCESS 6/11/2011 11:25AM

Keep it up. When we make small changes the bigger ones gets easier as time progresses.

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SCHENPOSSIBLE 6/11/2011 9:58AM

    Making a small to do list is a wonderful idea. I'm going to try that today so I can feel accomplished and like I used my time wisely. Thanks for sharing.

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4EVERADONEGIRL 6/9/2011 7:00PM

    Girl - you are a ROCK STAR!!! Good job on being honest with yourself and I love how you set goals for a perfect day each morning. That's cool and I just may borrow...welllll, okay...steal the idea from ya!

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SPARTANBABE 6/9/2011 6:40PM

    Esther, each day forward - no matter how small the distance - is a day in the right direction. Like you said with your C25K - if you stop doing something, you don't neccessarily have to start over, just get beck into it and keep going. Keep it up girlie! And put those cancer sticks away!!! emoticon

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TEAM-SARAH 6/9/2011 6:32PM

    Shoot, I dont run in 90 degree weather either haha. Good for you for trying to run anyway, and instead of beating yourself up over overeating, you turned it around and did something positive. That shows such a tremendous change in outlook and attitude :) Today it's like in the 50's here now (it was seriously 95 as the high yesterday) which is ridiculous but at least I'll enjoy a nice outdoor run tonight as opposed to stuck on the treadmill AGAIN

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    Some of us are just wired to have less tolerance for heat and humidity than others are. It absolutely kills me - motivation, energy, brain waves - you name it! I am impressed and amazed at how much you do in humid heat... Take good care of yourself!!

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    I love that and the sticker idea is great as well. I have so many stickers, I can put them to use. I will create a "sticker chart"

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SUGIRL06 6/9/2011 2:56PM

    Wow you make a lot of goals for each day! I wish I was organized enough. I also have a terrible memory and would forget what they were within 10 minutes. Maybe I need to make a list or something? That should help with the memory problem too right?? Trying to remember my goals all day long??
Have a great day!

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ERIN1128 6/9/2011 11:50AM

    Ugh,I hate humidity! Don't know how you do it. Sounds like things are going well. Don't beat yourself up, just move forward!

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SARAWALKS 6/9/2011 11:02AM

    emoticon Good for you! The hot weather is SO hard. I hate running/walking early too, but lately I KNOW I will not do it if I wait, so I have forced myself, and once I get started it's not bad at all.
I've also found I can't eat much at all before a run, and I don't feel like eating when I finish. So I eat a small bit of carb and protein (today it was a croissant and some cheese) and go. Then about an hour after I run I'm ready for food.
Push that water! You go girl! emoticon

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SHEILA1505 6/9/2011 9:49AM

    Brilliant idea to rope in your son to keep you away from the cigarettes!

Hope he is feeling better today?

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GOGOSHIRE 6/9/2011 9:40AM

    First of all, Beautiful One - just want to say that there are so many things I LOVE in this post.

I love your new yoga move! So powerful!

I love your honesty, cuz you know what? We all start off with a perfect vision for the day, and 999 times out of 1000, it isn't quite like that. But your day was great. Sure, there were setbacks, but that's expected, and overall, it was a great day.

I don't write them out, but every morning when I wake up and I'm still in bed, I make a mental list of everything (usually 10 things) I want to commit to that day. Today's list:

1. good walk for the dogs.
2. yoga/ST
3. weight training at pool
4. enjoy work
5. swim after work
6. research running gels/shot blocks after work
7. call a friend
8. call my mom
9. pack my lunch
10. vacuum the living room

Silly, but it kind of gets me through the day, and since I have 1 fingers, I am pretty good of keeping track of what needs to be done.

Ok, for fuel belt, I have this sucker. I like it, but I wish the water bottles were a little bigger now that I'm doing longer runs on Sundays.


But it holds keys, my iPhone, and my bluetooth thingy so the music gets to my hearing aids. There's also a little holster (not shown) where I can add another water bottle or an airhorn (mtn lions). Is that what you're looking for?

I'm anxious to see a pic of your new yoga move. Where are you going this weekend? I missed that.

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Ethan Update and Day 1

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

So yesterday was a mess. All I could focus on was my baby and making sure he made it through sugery okay.

Hubs surprised me that morning when he stated, "I'm coming with you. I HAVE to go." It was a nice surprise. I needed him there, but I didn't want to ask him to go. First of all, he's not all that great with medical stuff and I didn't want to have to carry him out to the car when he got woozy from the thought of blood and needles. Second of all, his schedule is not normally one that lends to him being anywhere but bed before noon. And, finally, I only took yesterday off work to care for Ethan so he'd be on duty for the following recovery days and we try to spread out the responsibility when stuff like this happens.

Thank goodness he was there, though! I went back with Ethan when they took him back around 8:40am. (His appointment was at 8:15am and we arrived at 8am so I'd already been stressing for a bit.) I must tell you, watching your son fight the medically induced sleep is not a fun thing. I could tell he was nervous though he was trying to act brave. They gave me a bunch of instructions and started talking about how he might bite himself after surgery because he'd be numb and how to care for him for the next few days. I was quiet and when they told me it was time to leave, I kissed him on the arm and told him I loved him and then barely made it to the waiting room door before the tears started.

Hubs held me for several minutes as the tears flowed. I couldn't hold it in any longer. After bawling my eyes out, I settled myself and started counting down every minute. They said that it would take 30 minutes so I paced, my leg shook, I shook, and I asked Hubs just about every minute "What time is it now?" Finally, about halfway through he told me to take a walk outside and calm myself. Then he handed me my iPhone and told me to distract myself. Thirty minutes later, they called us back and told us it had gone well.

Ethan had gauze in his mouth and he was just crying. They told us it was normal - confusion and such after waking up. I wanted to grab him and run from the room. They gave us the tooth they removed and explained after care yet again. I had said hello to Ethan when I got in the room and kissed him on the forehead but he just sat there crying and groaning as I stroked his arm and hair and told him it would be alright. It wasn't until we stood him up to walk him out to the car that he looked up, recognized me, and his eyes got real big and he tried to smile. It was that old familiar, "Mommy!!" look and I just about cried.

For about an hour following surgery and all the way out to the car and the way home he was a mean, angry, grumpy brute. He didn't know why he couldn't take out the gauze yet. He didn't want to eat any of the choices they had given him for his after meal - mashed potatoes, mac-n-cheese, pudding, yogurt. He just groaned and said he didn't need any help and growled at me and gave me those evil "I hate you right now" looks he's become famous for. I knew it was the drugs talking, but it hurt. I tried to distract him. I finally got forceful and told him he WOULD eat what I gave him and he would do what I told him because that's what needed to happen for him to get better.

By the time the mac-n-cheese was done, he was better, happier, and HUNGRY. He ate 2 half bowls (unknown of for him to eat that much in one sitting) and then went to sleep on the couch. When his brother got home a bit later, he woke up for a bit, said hello, asked how his day was, and then fell back asleep.

I needed a break. I cleared it with Hubs and then took Logan out to the Redbox for some movies and then to Rite-Aid for some retail therapy with my coupons. (Got 46 bucks worth of stuff for 12 dollars!) Of course, while we were in Rite-Aid a freak storm moved in and the electricity went out and we had to wait for it to come back on to check out. We went back to the house, watched Just Go With It with Ethan and that's when Ethan started whining about wanting Taco Bell (which is what he originally wanted when he got out of surgery and I told him no but promised he'd get some later).

Halfway through the movie, I gave in. Ethan wanted to go with me so we left Logan and Hubs at home and drove to the next town over to get him his Taco Bell. Of course, the town we chose (we live between 2, each with a Taco Bell) had no power due to the freak storm. *sigh* Ethan really wanted his Taco Bell and he did NOT want to give in (and I didn't want to give in either, I had promised my sick boy a soft taco and I was going to get him one). A 15 minute drive later we were in the OTHER town, which had power (the one I had been in the Rite-Aid in whose power went out but came right back on a couple minutes later) and I bought Ethan his THREE burritos! (WTF?! *lol*)

He's doing much better now. I called him around 9:20am and he said he'd had some pain in the morning but took his medicine after breakfast and felt better. He actually sounded happy! *lol* He's at home, playing video games with his brother. And me? I don't know. I'm alright. I'm glad we made it through this but I was a wreck yesterday and being here at work makes me just want to be there, checking on him, making sure he's not hurting, tired, bored, etc. Hubs is there, I know that. As is his almost 12-year-old and very responsible brother. They're both looking after him, but I just feel like I should be there. I'm considering leaving a few hours early today, hitting the gym early, and then maybe taking him to the park for a walk, just to get him out of the house. I know he doesn't like being cooped-up inside all the time, so he's going to get bored sooner or later, and I don't want Hubs or brother to let him play too hard and have him get hurt.

Easy enough to tell that my eating was crap yesterday and I didn't care until the stomach pains came last night. McDonald's for breakfast, mac-n-cheese, then Taco Bell and finally some hot dogs? This is my old diet, and my new stomach does not like my old diet. I might have one of those things in a day these days, but never all of them in one day.

So this morning I woke up with a clearer head. I hopped on the scale and saw 323 and knew where my damage had been. (DUH!) And I didn't chide myself for it either. Yesterday was rough. The past few months have been rough. People not coming through. My kid going for surgery. Dentist appointments with the boys where both have been through pain and torture. Knowing that eventually I'll have to go sometime and get these teeth pulled. Adjusting to the high temps and humidity of an early summer. It's just been crazy. I've been in a crazy mess.

So when I woke up this morning with that clear head, I decided that the past is the past and my future is ahead of me. Today is day one. Today I weigh 323 pounds, and I will not weigh myself again until my regular weigh-in day (though I haven't decided whether to move that to Wednesday now or keep it on Sunday - I think moving the day might help me get my head around making this another fresh start). I came in to work and, since our network was down for a couple hours, spent my time with my calendar, not penciling things in, but putting them down in blue pen. This is for sure. I'm working this.

Wed (6/8) - C25k W3D1 and ST
Thu (6/9) - Zumba
Fri (6/10) - C25k W3D2 and ST, trip to Ohio with AM and the boys
Sat (6/11) - 30DS L1D1 (after returning from Ohio)
Sun (6/12) - 30DS L1D2, garden maintenance, cleaning, couponing, and a BBQ at a friend's house at 4pm
Mon (6/13) - C25k W3D3 and ST
Tue (6/14) - Zumba
Wed (6/15) - C25k W4D1 and ST

I'm going to look for either new running shoes this week or at least get new inserts for my shoes. I'm going back to C25k again, which might be a mistake, but I refuse to view it that way. I can't let myself see that program and think "Failure!" I'll do what I can, but I need the routine of it. I'm going to fit in Yoga every day for at least 10-15 minutes in my office or at home. I'm going to work on new poses (on Monday I added Half Locust Pose, which is supposed to be great for back recovery and alignment).

Oh, and the beach vacation is out for sure. Our friends, apparently, HATE Myrtle Beach, so we'll just have to cherish it more next year when we can really afford to go. Instead, that long weekend, we'll be back at Old Man's Cave reliving our hike from last year.

Races I'll be signing up for:
7/17 - Beerathlon 5k in Columbus, OH (which I'm making Hubs do with me)
7/31 - Ohio State Fair 5k in Columbus, OH (hold significant meaning to me)
8/6 - Debbie Green Memorial 5k in Wheeling, WV (again, significant)
9/4 - Emerald City Quarter Marathon in Dublin, OH

8/27 - 5k in Wheeling with Local Sparkie
9/17 - Air Force HM in Dayton, OH
9/25 - State-to-State HM & 5k in Oxford, OH

And along with this schedule, I'll be starting back at Day 1 with my eating. What's gone is gone. I'm working my calorie counts and getting my water in and doing the best I can. This week I will be logging everything - good, bad, and ugly. Next week I'll try to make the small changes of step 1 to alter my diet back to when I was at my peak in this "losing" game.

The goal for this week is to get back under 320 if possible.

1. Sarah's Wedding on 7/23/11
2. Christina's Wedding on 8/6/11
3. Because I AM a runner
4. To have yet another reason to STOP SMOKING
5. Because I want runner's legs
6. TWENTY-THREE pounds from being under 300!
7. Because I can't stop here.
8. Because my tummy hates icky foods.
9. Because I'm healthier now than I have been my entire life.
10. Because I have a great support system built up - AB girls, Spark Friends, Hubs, Kids, Sister, Mom, and other Family and Friends - and even my coworkers are all pulling for me.
11. To fit into a size 22!
12. To collect a bunch of medals - it's all about the BLING! ;)
13. Money spent on races is much cooler than money spent on fast food.
14. To actually SAVE us money! (much less eating out!)
15. Because otherwise my gym membership goes to waste.
16. Because an old college buddy just joined up at my gym so I might have a workout buddy!
17. Logan
18. Ethan
19. So one day Hubs might be able to pick me up.
20. So the plane trip to Vegas/Utah is not horribly uncomfortable.
21. So I can wear what I want because I like it, not because it happens to fit.
22. To shock myself.
23. To shock everyone else.
24. Because I don't know the meaning of the words, "I can't."
25. Because if I could get through three years of full-time work, plus a part-time job, plus full-time schooling, and maintain and improve myself in all three, then I KNOW I can do this. I am strong, capable, and focused. Determination is key. Time to refocus and get back to living how I know I want to live.
26. Finally, because I'm not yet the woman I want to be...but I'm certainly working on it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SPUNKYDUCKY 6/13/2011 1:09PM

    Glad to hear that Ethan is doing well. I am also hoping to do the Debbie Green (although I need to actual start running again). What 5K are you doing on 8/27 in wheeling?

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4EVERADONEGIRL 6/9/2011 6:55PM

    So glad that everything worked out with E! Good job to Mama Bear for taking such good care of him!!!! :-) (HUGS)

And Day 1 hell yeah - you can do this!!!!

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SUGIRL06 6/9/2011 2:52PM

    What a stressful day! But you have a clear head and have a plan which will make you successful! Seriously though, that must've been rough. Hope you and the boy are feeling better!

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RUNNINGNP2B 6/9/2011 7:44AM

    Glad Ethan's doing well! And super glad Ethan's Mommy is doing great too - 23 lbs to go and you can freaking do it. You've already done so much, what's 23 more lbs to ya??

Daunting, I know, but I know you will meet your goal, I know it.

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MIQUEY73 6/8/2011 11:27PM

    Glad Ethan's surgery went well!

You can do this! You have a great plan, great attitude and the right reasons. emoticon

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CAALAN23 6/8/2011 4:58PM

    I hope Ethan comes along nicely. Sounds like he's a little trooper! I know that feeling of knowing your child is cared for but still wanting to be there no matter what cause you're the mom and that's what you do. :) That's a beautiful thing, really.

Sounds like you're ready to give back what you got. Go get 'em girl!

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KKINNEA 6/8/2011 4:02PM

    Love your list of reasons!

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    I'm glad Ethan is doing ok ... I've been thinking of you guys! It's much harder on you than it is on him - I'm sure he'll barely remember this when he gets older. In fact, I'm not sure I could tell you a single thing that happened to me when I was 8. (Wait, is he 8? Why do I think he's 8?) Anyway, you'll both be ok. Trust, yo.

I LURVE your reasons for doing this. *SQEEEZES you in a big hug*

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    Hope Ethan continues to recover! I love love love your list! My favorite is 21, that would definitely be on my list too! Best of luck on your 5k's!!!!

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TEAM-SARAH 6/8/2011 2:01PM

    I loooove your list, especially the last one!! ESPECIALLY remember number 25 anytime you're feeling like you can't do it. I'm glad Ethan is doing better... he's a lucky boy to have a mom who cares and worries so much :)

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FITBUG78 6/8/2011 1:47PM

    I'm glad that your son is doing better. I too stepped on the scale on Monday morning after a bridal shower on Sat and a picnic on Sunday to be up 2lbs. Sucks, but I knew why. Two days of good eats and exercise so I'm back on track. Love your list reasons! I just signed up for another 5k as well and am restarting c25k. I'm on w2d1! :)

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SHEILA1505 6/8/2011 1:36PM

    I love numbers 19 and 24
Glad you all survived the surgery and power outages

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GOGOSHIRE 6/8/2011 1:28PM

    SO glad S was there with you yesterday and that E is doing ok and got his Taco Bell fix. Don't fret about the lbs - it's more likely the stress than anything. And the big stress is over now - yay!

You've got such an amazing race plan for the year. Dang, girl. That's pretty excellent. I love the reasons list, too, but #23 is false. You're not going to shock us. We're fully expecting it because we've seen what you're capable of.

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  "while we were in Rite-Aid a freak storm moved in and the electricity went out and we had to wait for it to come back on to check out"

- That *almost* happened to me at Lowes with a ton of crap on the carts. We only just finished paying when it went out.

I'm glad Ethan is doing well. I knew he'd be fine, because if my old, grody MIL was fine, so would your strapping young boy be.

Day one - how's your watah?

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ERIN1128 6/8/2011 11:51AM

    Glad hubby was there to help you through Ethan's surgery. I can't imagine, I've never had to do anything like that with Kate! Hang in there, and stay focused on that list of reasons!

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COCOMAC7 6/8/2011 11:23AM

    So sorry you went thru that with Ethan. I just about die everytime my little man is in any kind of pain. I was feeling all bad that I didn't pay attention on Sunday and he got numerous mesquito bites. Kid's pain is hard.

I wouldn't have been paying attention to my diet on a day like that either. Shake it off, move on and make today count. The past is the past.

I LOVE your list of reasons!!

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