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CALLIKIA's Recent Blog Entries

Thanks! - W4.D5

Friday, May 14, 2010

Just wanted to thank you all for the positive energy you've been sending my way. I'm feeling a little better today, and feel like I'm strong enough to get through it. I haven't felt strong for a couple days, so it's a good feeling to get that back.

Also wanted to mention that everyone at work noticed that I've lost weight today! Made me feel really good. And I shared with them the secrets of healthy weight loss - slight modifications. I brought in Black Bean Brownies, Pink Stuff, and Low-Fat Cheesy Potatoes. All went over brilliantly!

I make the cheesy potatoes every time we have a function here, and I knew people would be upset if they didn't get to have them again...so I tweaked the recipe. Left out the butter, used fat-free cheese and low fat sour cream, and nobody seemed to mind a bit! As for the brownies - everyone is shocked that you can puree black beans and use them with a brownie mix instead of eggs and oil and such. "Really? Just black beans? Surely you added water...no? Wow!" and "They taste just like a brownie!" was all I heard.

The pink stuff is something my mom still eats all the time following her GP surgery. I went easy on the marshmallows (mom leaves them out) and upped the pineapples, and used sugar free jello and low fat cool whip (think I'll get fat free next time, but I already had the low fat at the house, so I didn't feel like buying any more.

I think I'll go take pictures of everything now! *lol*

I honestly didn't feel much like working out last night, so I tricked myself into it. I grabbed a cart at WalMart and went shopping ALL AROUND THE STORE for over an hour with my youngest son. On the one hand, it just felt like shopping, but I knew I was getting my exercise in by doing it, so SCORE! So I didn't end my streak even though I had a "bad day" - this is a major improvement! Now to just keep myself away from the donuts today! (Hungry today from the non-eating day yesterday...for some reason my body feels the need to make it up all in one day...silly body!)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

-SHIMMER-ANN- 5/17/2010 12:38PM

    Haha, yay!!! Sorry you've had a rough time as of late...but I'm looking forward to awesome pics! :)

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DLEE27 5/14/2010 1:45PM

    Awesome! You're always cooking up something delish! I want to come for supper at your house! Lol. Glad you're feeling better today emoticon

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CALLIKIA 5/14/2010 12:01PM

    MANDI-
http://recipes.sparkpeopl
e.com/recipe-detail.asp?recipe=
927709

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ALIMESSA 5/14/2010 11:44AM

    Glad you seem to be doing better today...and Congrats on keeping that streak alive!!

As always,
Stay Strong!!

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PRETTYMANDI 5/14/2010 11:44AM

    Can I get the recipe for black bean brownies? Brownies are my fave and I haven't had them in forever because I have high cholesterol and I really want to try those! Your blog made my mouth water! Hehehe

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WHOVIANPRINCESS 5/14/2010 10:29AM

    Good job revamping your old recipes to make them healthier! It is awesome how much of a difference small changes can make. It is great people are noticing your progress, and that you are willing to help them understand the process.

Have a great weekend!

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VALLOUGH 5/14/2010 10:23AM

    I still haven't tried black bean brownies-- my food processor kicked the bucket before I had a chance. I love your substitutions, nicely done!

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Saying Goodbye - W4.D5

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I posted on my feed earlier that I was in a bad mood and I didn't know why. That isn't true. I guess I just wasn't ready to talk about it yet, so I pushed it aside. But now that I'm done with finals I have time to sit down and reflect. I warn you that this isn't going to be motivational. I try not to harp on negatives, but today I can't run fast enough anymore. Time to stop and realize that the truth is staring me down.

Late last week, one of my very best friends texted me to inform me that her father had passed away. I didn't know her father, but I really wanted to be there for her in whatever way I could. Unfortunately, I had finals. I missed the funeral service. I didn't get a chance to send a card or flowers. So I did what I could. I told her that I was there if she needed anything, and then I took a step back. I let her be with her family and grieve, because I knew she was surrounded by a huge extended family that would be better able to comfort her than I could. Today I called her to let her know that I was sorry for what I didn't do, and she told me that she understood - which I knew she would. I told her that when the pain had died down a little, I would be there to take her out for a drink...to help her move on. But for right now I knew she needed to just say goodbye on her own.

Then on Monday, beautiful Marty left this world. He left it in a violent way, and I was hurt, and angry and confused. I prayed for peace for him. And though I didn't know him very well, it stung. I mean, deep within me it stung. I didn't know why. It didn't make any sense to me. I knew I had always been an emotional person and from time to time I suffer the most severe survivor's guilt due to my inability to find my own self-worth. But this wasn't it this time. This was something different. All I knew at the time was that I had friends all around me who were hurting, and I was hurting right along with them.

My distance allowed me to get through the past couple of days, but today I woke up plauged by nightmares and thoughts of Marty the night before. Every time I closed my eyes I saw his face. This face that I had come to look for to brighten my day, now smiled at me and made me uncomfortable. Still I wasn't sure why. Not until I drove into the parking lot at school today, prepared to walk in the very same room where I had last seen his smile. And it hit me like a ton of bricks.

When I was in high school, I knew another beautiful boy named Seth. We weren't the closest friends, but we had grown up together in a way...and by junior year we were beginning to get closer. I knew his struggles at home, and his deep homesicknesses for the school, friends, and family he had just left. And one night as we joked on the drive home and I dropped him off outside his door, he smiled at me, gave me a "See you tomorrow!" and I never saw him again. That night he committed suicide in his house.

The event broke me. It sent me down a spiral of depression I couldn't understand, and couldn't crawl out of for years. And one day, right before I started my last weight loss journey years ago, I said goodbye. I told him that I loved him, but that I couldn't carry him around with me anymore. He was too heavy to carry and it was killing me. And I let him go.

As people go, Seth and Marty were of the same mold. They were made from the same fiber and of the same essence. There was a kindred spirit in Marty I hadn't found since I lost Seth. I didn't realize it until today that my brain had connected the two events, the two spirits. And I realized then where my bad mood had come from. Once again, I was called upon to say goodbye. And not only to Marty, but to everyone I had come to know in the past 3 years.

Today was my last day of undergrad at WVSU. I didn't appreciate it much when I was going all the time. I complained about teachers and rude "kids" and all that went along with homework, essays, and tedious but useless assignments. But now that I'm having to say goodbye, well...it's hard.

I'm sure to some people this might sound completely rediculous. But, like I said, I am a VERY emotional person. When something hits me, it hits me HARD.

So this week has been all about saying goodbye, and I'm trying to use this as a way to understand my eating habits when things like this happen. What I've found is that I'm not an emotional eater, as everyone once thought. In fact, the opposite. When the world is in chaos, I don't eat. And when I do, well, it's difficult to be mindful about what you're eating when your mind is elsewhere. I eat because I know it's time to eat. I'm not hungry. I could go all day without more than a headache to clue me in, which I would likely contribute to crying too much.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this to all of you. I guess I just need some way to remind myself that when the crap hits the fan, I can choose whether to hold on for dear life or just let go. Since I know what the fall is like, I'm trying to remember to hold on this time.

I ate at McDonald's for breakfast, but I just got one thing, and I tracked it. For lunch, well, I couldn't bring myself to eat more than about a cup of granola. But after that final I picked up a small chili and baked potato at Wendy's. I'm trying to pull myself out of auto-pilot, but it's been really hard. So I need to remember this for the next time, and just pray I make it through this weekend in one piece.

Tomorrow is Marty's funeral, followed by graduation rehearsal and a reception at school. Saturday is a graduation dinner with friends. And Sunday is the finale...graduation.

So I guess what I expected to be an easy week for me, one of the happiest in fact, has turned more emotional than I expected. If you pray, please pray for me. If not, please send me some good wishes or "happy thoughts" because I'm going to need them. Because this weekend I have to try to perfect the art of saying goodbye and not falling apart while I do it...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MEGSFITNESS 5/14/2010 8:50AM

    Thinking of you, this weekend. *hugs*

Everyone falls apart at least a little when we lose someone. Take the time to grieve.. lean on your friends who are grieving too. Just like your schedule for graduation and social engagements, though, you must remember that life does go on. YOUR life does go on... you will smile, laugh and be light hearted again. Doing so does not betray those that have left us behind. Always remember how much you loved Marty's smile--I'm sure he loved yours just as much.

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MOCHA2470 5/14/2010 12:27AM

    you are in my thoughts and prayers! we all have issues, and you are so brave to being yours out in the open. just know you are not alone, even if you are alone. we are here and understand.

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MONTE_MOMMA_3 5/13/2010 10:14PM

    I am so sorry you're having to go through this!! It never gets easy. I lost a very close friend to suicide and almost took this route several time in my own life as well. It still, to this day, hurts when I think of him. It's going to be tough, but the only thing you can really do is be strong for yourself and try to move on. Unfortunately, life does continue for those of us who are left behind. Big emoticonto you, and if you need to talk or anything, please don't hesitate to message me! You've got tons of supportive people around you. Please know that you don't have to go through this alone!

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ALIMESSA 5/13/2010 9:22PM

    Lots of "happy thoughts" coming your way...ok...there they go...did you get them yet? I sure hope so...and I'll send you some more later on, and tomorrow, too!

As always,
Stay Strong!!

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KILA1228 5/13/2010 9:08PM

    My younger sister and brother passed away and I know how HARD it is to let go. It's a good thing to let go but very hard. I realized one day that, my inability to move on, was due to my thinking that I was disrespecting their memory in some way. I know this wasn't the case, I just had to make myself see clearly and realize letting go was for the best and I still have my memories. I hope you start to feel better and have a fabulous weekend! Enjoy and remember-they will always be in your memory and heart, in a small corner. You may let go, but cherish the small part they leave behind.

Comment edited on: 5/13/2010 9:09:10 PM

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JESSASAURUSFLEX 5/13/2010 7:00PM

    Wow, you have had quite the hard week. Hang in there, kiddo. It's never easy, and it's never going to be...but it will get better. Lean on your friends, and loved ones. You made me just count my blessings, and be thankful.

emoticonJessie

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SUSIEMT 5/13/2010 6:27PM

    I am sorry for your loss. It sounds like you know how to handle it though. Try to enjoy what you can of this week. You deserve it. emoticon

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DLEE27 5/13/2010 6:00PM

    emoticonI'm so sorry. I know there is not much I can say to comfort you, and that you need to do this on your own, in your own time, but just know that I am thinking about you and sending all of my positive energy to you. emoticon

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Vocabulary Lesson - W4.D4

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Every time I visit YOOVIE I'm reminded that "Life is a Verb". Now the English Major in me wants to argue - No...LIVE is a verb, life is a noun (or an adjective)...but I get what's she's saying. This nit-pick habit of mine, led me to a conclusion last night.

When we lose something, it is usually a very sad thing. We lose a friend or a loved one and we need time to grieve. (I learned that especially this week, and that was only an acquaintance.) But when I say "I lost 10 pounds!" I really don't need to grieve...it's cause to celebrate. So why do we say we "LOSE" weight? I mean, I understand the concept...I comprehend "LOSE weight," but I just had to look it up. (Thank you dictionary.com!)

LOSE (is a verb! *lol*)
There are 28 definitions for this verb including the following:
- to come to be without (something in one's possession or care), through accident, theft, etc., so that there is little or no prospect of recovery
- to fail inadvertently to retain (something) in such a way that it cannot be immediately recovered
- to suffer the deprivation of
- to fail to keep, preserve, or maintain
- to give up; forfeit the possession of
- to stray from or become ignorant of

Wow! All pretty negative there. Truth is, I won't "suffer the deprivation of" those 17 pounds I've lost so far. I didn't "fail inadvertently to retain" them either, I worked my butt off in order to get them to go away! I didn't "give up" anything, and I'm less "ignorant" today than I ever have been, at least in regards to my health and well-being.

There are some shining definitions though:
- to get rid of (which is the meaning given for losing weight)
- to leave far behind in a pursuit, race, etc. (that's a little better...I am pursuing something, and as we run we leave these pounds behind -- "Eat my dust!")

But my favorite of all...
- to condemn to hell; damn.

Now that's what I'm talking about! Bye-bye extra weight! Good riddance! I don't need you anymore! Burn! BURN in the fiery pits of hell! MWAHAHAHA!

So the next time you "lose" some weight, think of it burning away in hell, never able to return to you. You've condemned it through all your hard work! You left it behind in your race toward your goal! Hopefully that little bugger doesn't give out your address to his buddies...gotta keep running to keep them behind you as well!
emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALASKASKY 5/13/2010 10:30AM

    emoticon

So true...so true.

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SPUNKYDUCKY 5/12/2010 10:06PM

    LOL! You crack me up! Too funny. I need to get working harder to condemn some more lbs!

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AGAINALWAYS 5/12/2010 6:56PM

    Haha! That's great! I will totally condemn my fat to hell. I'm sure they'll enjoy torturing it.

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BEYOURBEST1 5/12/2010 2:22PM

    Great blog! Congrats on the great job with your weight! I will not say loss because who wants it anyway! As far as I am concerned, my lost weight can remain lost, I have no plans to look for it.
emoticon

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SUSIEMT 5/12/2010 1:53PM

    Well, that puts my kicked 'em to the curb to shame! LOL

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CALLIKIA 5/12/2010 1:47PM

    MEG - I guess I've come to see it as something that I once needed. It was there for a reason...whatever that reason may have been at the time. But I don't need it anymore. I'm stronger and tougher and more sure of my abilities - I don't need these pounds to hide behind anymore because I'm ready to show the world the real me. (Of course, it has taken me years to get here...)

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ALIMESSA 5/12/2010 1:07PM

    You write such fun blogs to read! Thanks for taking the time to share with all of us! Always a good subject, leaving us with plenty to think about

As always,
Stay Strong!!!

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MEGSFITNESS 5/12/2010 12:49PM

    Wow, pretty fiery there, eh?

The way I think of my weight loss, though, I kind of DO need to grieve for it and adapt. Sure--it's something that has held me back and made all sorts of situations uncomfortable. At the same time, though, it's what makes me comfy to cuddle with. It's been a part of me since day one and I would be lying to myself if I thought it didn't impact the type of personality and coping skills that I've developed along the way.

So as I lose weight, there's been a part of me that has been terrified of losing "myself" or the essesence of "me" as well. Will I still give good hugs? Will I still be comfortable to cuddle with? Will I ever be warm again (I'm constantly cold/chilly now that I've lost 10% weight)?

I'm still excited and motivated to lose weight. I'm just very conscious of the other changes that come along with it.

I'm glad to see that you're staying motivated and excited too.

---

On a random note (since you're nit-picky), in casual conversation online, I type how I talk and I totally say "I'd've" or "you'd've" or other (what I've come to call) double-contractions. ;D Whoops.

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STEVENGO2 5/12/2010 12:48PM

    emoticon emoticon

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PRETTYMANDI 5/12/2010 12:46PM

    Loving today's entry! Lots of *food* for thought. hehehe
emoticon

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Dinner Tonight: Vegetable Couscous

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Consider this my quest for the perfect healthy family dinners...I've been taking pics for a while, but I figured I'd start posting and sharing my results with all of you. Will also help me remember what worked and what didn't (my quinoa recipe was a major fail, btw...going to give it one more shot, but I really didn't much like it...neither did anyone else).

Tonight: Vegetable Couscous Skillet


So, I was in a bit of a panic tonight because I had no plans for dinner. Thankfully, I have fresh food and healthy things to cook, so I searched the SparkRecipes for something to make with what I had. I used a recipe for Chicken and Couscous Skillet with slight modifications. (Recipe: http://recipes.sparkpeople.com/recipe-deta
il.asp?recipe=19757)

I didn't use any chicken. I added red peppers and green peppers, and kept out the carrots. Also used whole wheat couscous. I didn't have to go to the store. I didn't panic. And it was delicious! I topped each serving with a serving of low-fat sour cream and some cheese (though I left the cheese off mine). And they loved it to...except for Ethan.

So, all in all, I give it good marks! YUM!
Logan: "This is GREAT! Can I have some more?"
Hubby: "You need to make this like once a week!"
Ethan: "I'm not jumping over it."

Basically, I can't find anything my 8 year old will eat other than stir fry (and even that he drowns in soy sauce). I'm desperate! Anyone have any kid-friendly veggie recipes for a REALLY picky kid?!

Nutritional info according to the SparkRecipe calculator:
269cal/5.6g fat/47g carbs/8.1g fiber/2.8g sugar/11.1g protein
(per serving...4 servings total...I took the pic after I already grabbed my serving. This is how I split recipes in the pan so I know what my serving size is. *lol*)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CALLIKIA 5/12/2010 1:49PM

    Ethan does eat salads, but I can't live a life on only salads. I need alternatives and I am BOUND and DETERMINED to find them eventually! *lol* That day will be a day to celebrate!

And have fun, Dove! Was SUPER simple and quick!

Comment edited on: 5/12/2010 1:56:00 PM

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ALIMESSA 5/12/2010 1:11PM

    The easiest way I can get my kids to eat vegies...in salads...cut up SMALL or even shredded...my son will eat raw brocolli and carrots with ranch, but they both hate vegetables steamed or cooked in any way...

As always,
Stay Strong!!

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DELIGHTEDDOVE 5/12/2010 12:20PM

  This looks yummy. I think we will try this tonight. emoticon

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CALLIKIA 5/12/2010 9:24AM

    *lol* It does kinda look like pizza (no doubt because of how I portion it out). I'm kicking myself today because I forgot my leftovers at home. *sigh* Ah-well...something for tonight, I suppose.

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MEGSFITNESS 5/12/2010 9:16AM

    Nope =P

We have to eat what's for dinner and if we don't like it, well then we need to make dinner for the family next time. It's a great way that we share ideas in my family.

One thing I have to say about that pic, though, is that it looks like thick-crust veggie pizza. Lol! I was surprised to find out that's NOT what it was.

emoticon

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PRETTYMANDI 5/11/2010 11:30PM

    I have an 8 year old and the same problems! If you get any winners, please pass along!

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DLEE27 5/11/2010 9:35PM

    Looks delish!!!

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Just Listen - W4.D3

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Just listen. Do you hear that? Silence. There is nothing but the sound of your own breathing. In and out. Listen to it, focus on it. There is only you in this moment. There is nothing to worry about, no one to strip you of focus. Just focus on your breathing and let the world melt away.

No, it's not a yoga class (though I really kinda wish it was)...it's my work today. Today is primary election day. I have no idea who is running in the tiny rural area I live in. I don't know what there is to run for (though I can think of some things and people to run from..but that's a different blog altogether). And because I am a valued State employee, I get today off....kinda...sorta...alright, not really. I took yesterday off to tackle those two major finals and decided to let my holiday hours from today cover it...which means... *drum roll please* I'm at work today while everyone else is at home watching Oprah, or Dr. Whoever.

No, big. It's actually nice to have it be a little quiet here. (Of course, the silence was interrupted by a final project I had to complete and a minor panic attack while trying to complete in two hours what we probably should have had 2 weeks to do...but teacher wasn't stressing and told me to chill.)

So, instead, I've been thinking. Random thoughts mostly. About life. About death. About Spark. About all those damn measurement calculations that only mock me (damnit YOOVIE! *lol*). And I decided, I don't really give a crap.

In the past I see these things that tell me I'm obese and going to die (if "morbidly obese" doesn't get to you, nothing will!), and I think, "I'm working on it! I swear!!" Like I need to defend myself to anyone... This word pops into my mouth ...err..head a million times a day - Selfish. Is it selfish for me to say, I don't have to justify myself or my actions to you? Is it selfish to think, today is for me, this run is for me, my life is for me? Hell no!

And what's more...I've been reminded once again that life is seriously short. A 26 year old beautiful, kind, and caring boy from my class was shot in the head yesterday, the victim of an apparent mother-son murder-suicide. I have no clue if assumptions are correct, or even who shot whom if they are, but I can tell you that this certainly hit something in me. Not only is life short, but we don't know who will come in to affect us...or how long they'll stay. (My thoughts are jumbled today, just stick with me for a minute.)

I didn't know Marty well. We were in one class together. But every day he smiled at me. Once every three weeks or so, we'd share a joke...some snarky comment full of that dark wit we seemed to share. He let us into his life a little bit, and he was one of those people who just shone. I mean shone from within. Like somehow they've hit upon the secret of life and are carrying that knowledge around in their hearts, glowing all the time. I can't say if Marty was in a good place, or if his smile was just a mask to show the world, but his smile meant everything to me this semester. Knowing I could get a smile from Marty was like knowing it would all be okay. I'd get through this test. I'd feel better tomorrow. It would make sense in the morning. Everything would be fine, because Marty was smiling. I can't describe it any better than that, but I hope you've had the fortunate experience of being around one of these people.

So lately as I stress over who is and is not coming to my graduation and what that is supposed to mean about how they feel towards me, or how many things I still have yet to do before I can walk across that stage, or what the end of school will be the beginning of, if anything, or if I'll be stuck at this desk job and school will have meant nothing at all...I am reminded that it isn't about what I do or about what others think, it's about how I let my life shine.

My weight cannot stop me from being happy if I refuse to let it. If I stop focusing on where I have yet to go and what I don't have, I'll be miserable. And I'll make others around me miserable as well. Plus, if I face the end of this life before I expect to and die "the fat girl," I want to die the happiest damn fat girl around. I want to live my life to the fullest and focus on what I DO have! I want to work towards things, of course, but I want to enjoy the damn journey too! I will not be miserable until I reach goal weight, I want to be happy the whole way there! I want to shine like I know the meaning of life...because right now, it's all a journey...and I'm sure as heck going to enjoy it!

In honor of Marty, if just for today, please let your life shine...even if it just means a "fake it til you make it" smile. You never know who you might affect...even briefly.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KATELOSS2009 5/11/2010 6:26PM

    I'm so sorry about the loss of your friend...

thank you for the reminder that we never know how many people we honestly matter to - it's likely more than we think.

emoticon

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MEGSFITNESS 5/11/2010 6:24PM

    This took a turn I wasn't expecting, but I really like the way that you let Marty's life impact your own. We say that everything happens for a reason. Perhaps Marty is the catalyst you needed to realize that you don't have to wait to be happy.

Live your life with gusto and enjoy the days you've got. That's what I'm going to do.

emoticon

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KILA1228 5/11/2010 5:48PM

    Yes, life is to short...and when I look back; I think to myself "where did the time go". I lost two important people in my life and all I can say is "Wake up every morning and just be happy". Have a great night and enjoy your family.

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ALIMESSA 5/11/2010 5:17PM

    Beautiful blog...one of my goals is to enjoy this new lifestyle, not resent it...I agree...we need to enjoy the here and now...and look forward to our future!

As always,
Stay Strong!!

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DLEE27 5/11/2010 5:16PM

    emoticonReally touching blog today. Thanks for writing it.

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