Thursday, May 13, 2010
I posted on my feed earlier that I was in a bad mood and I didn't know why. That isn't true. I guess I just wasn't ready to talk about it yet, so I pushed it aside. But now that I'm done with finals I have time to sit down and reflect. I warn you that this isn't going to be motivational. I try not to harp on negatives, but today I can't run fast enough anymore. Time to stop and realize that the truth is staring me down.
Late last week, one of my very best friends texted me to inform me that her father had passed away. I didn't know her father, but I really wanted to be there for her in whatever way I could. Unfortunately, I had finals. I missed the funeral service. I didn't get a chance to send a card or flowers. So I did what I could. I told her that I was there if she needed anything, and then I took a step back. I let her be with her family and grieve, because I knew she was surrounded by a huge extended family that would be better able to comfort her than I could. Today I called her to let her know that I was sorry for what I didn't do, and she told me that she understood - which I knew she would. I told her that when the pain had died down a little, I would be there to take her out for a drink...to help her move on. But for right now I knew she needed to just say goodbye on her own.
Then on Monday, beautiful Marty left this world. He left it in a violent way, and I was hurt, and angry and confused. I prayed for peace for him. And though I didn't know him very well, it stung. I mean, deep within me it stung. I didn't know why. It didn't make any sense to me. I knew I had always been an emotional person and from time to time I suffer the most severe survivor's guilt due to my inability to find my own self-worth. But this wasn't it this time. This was something different. All I knew at the time was that I had friends all around me who were hurting, and I was hurting right along with them.
My distance allowed me to get through the past couple of days, but today I woke up plauged by nightmares and thoughts of Marty the night before. Every time I closed my eyes I saw his face. This face that I had come to look for to brighten my day, now smiled at me and made me uncomfortable. Still I wasn't sure why. Not until I drove into the parking lot at school today, prepared to walk in the very same room where I had last seen his smile. And it hit me like a ton of bricks.
When I was in high school, I knew another beautiful boy named Seth. We weren't the closest friends, but we had grown up together in a way...and by junior year we were beginning to get closer. I knew his struggles at home, and his deep homesicknesses for the school, friends, and family he had just left. And one night as we joked on the drive home and I dropped him off outside his door, he smiled at me, gave me a "See you tomorrow!" and I never saw him again. That night he committed suicide in his house.
The event broke me. It sent me down a spiral of depression I couldn't understand, and couldn't crawl out of for years. And one day, right before I started my last weight loss journey years ago, I said goodbye. I told him that I loved him, but that I couldn't carry him around with me anymore. He was too heavy to carry and it was killing me. And I let him go.
As people go, Seth and Marty were of the same mold. They were made from the same fiber and of the same essence. There was a kindred spirit in Marty I hadn't found since I lost Seth. I didn't realize it until today that my brain had connected the two events, the two spirits. And I realized then where my bad mood had come from. Once again, I was called upon to say goodbye. And not only to Marty, but to everyone I had come to know in the past 3 years.
Today was my last day of undergrad at WVSU. I didn't appreciate it much when I was going all the time. I complained about teachers and rude "kids" and all that went along with homework, essays, and tedious but useless assignments. But now that I'm having to say goodbye, well...it's hard.
I'm sure to some people this might sound completely rediculous. But, like I said, I am a VERY emotional person. When something hits me, it hits me HARD.
So this week has been all about saying goodbye, and I'm trying to use this as a way to understand my eating habits when things like this happen. What I've found is that I'm not an emotional eater, as everyone once thought. In fact, the opposite. When the world is in chaos, I don't eat. And when I do, well, it's difficult to be mindful about what you're eating when your mind is elsewhere. I eat because I know it's time to eat. I'm not hungry. I could go all day without more than a headache to clue me in, which I would likely contribute to crying too much.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this to all of you. I guess I just need some way to remind myself that when the crap hits the fan, I can choose whether to hold on for dear life or just let go. Since I know what the fall is like, I'm trying to remember to hold on this time.
I ate at McDonald's for breakfast, but I just got one thing, and I tracked it. For lunch, well, I couldn't bring myself to eat more than about a cup of granola. But after that final I picked up a small chili and baked potato at Wendy's. I'm trying to pull myself out of auto-pilot, but it's been really hard. So I need to remember this for the next time, and just pray I make it through this weekend in one piece.
Tomorrow is Marty's funeral, followed by graduation rehearsal and a reception at school. Saturday is a graduation dinner with friends. And Sunday is the finale...graduation.
So I guess what I expected to be an easy week for me, one of the happiest in fact, has turned more emotional than I expected. If you pray, please pray for me. If not, please send me some good wishes or "happy thoughts" because I'm going to need them. Because this weekend I have to try to perfect the art of saying goodbye and not falling apart while I do it...
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Every time I visit YOOVIE I'm reminded that "Life is a Verb". Now the English Major in me wants to argue - No...LIVE is a verb, life is a noun (or an adjective)...but I get what's she's saying. This nit-pick habit of mine, led me to a conclusion last night.
When we lose something, it is usually a very sad thing. We lose a friend or a loved one and we need time to grieve. (I learned that especially this week, and that was only an acquaintance.) But when I say "I lost 10 pounds!" I really don't need to grieve...it's cause to celebrate. So why do we say we "LOSE" weight? I mean, I understand the concept...I comprehend "LOSE weight," but I just had to look it up. (Thank you dictionary.com!)
LOSE (is a verb! *lol*)
There are 28 definitions for this verb including the following:
- to come to be without (something in one's possession or care), through accident, theft, etc., so that there is little or no prospect of recovery
- to fail inadvertently to retain (something) in such a way that it cannot be immediately recovered
- to suffer the deprivation of
- to fail to keep, preserve, or maintain
- to give up; forfeit the possession of
- to stray from or become ignorant of
Wow! All pretty negative there. Truth is, I won't "suffer the deprivation of" those 17 pounds I've lost so far. I didn't "fail inadvertently to retain" them either, I worked my butt off in order to get them to go away! I didn't "give up" anything, and I'm less "ignorant" today than I ever have been, at least in regards to my health and well-being.
There are some shining definitions though:
- to get rid of (which is the meaning given for losing weight)
- to leave far behind in a pursuit, race, etc. (that's a little better...I am pursuing something, and as we run we leave these pounds behind -- "Eat my dust!")
But my favorite of all...
- to condemn to hell; damn.
Now that's what I'm talking about! Bye-bye extra weight! Good riddance! I don't need you anymore! Burn! BURN in the fiery pits of hell! MWAHAHAHA!
So the next time you "lose" some weight, think of it burning away in hell, never able to return to you. You've condemned it through all your hard work! You left it behind in your race toward your goal! Hopefully that little bugger doesn't give out your address to his buddies...gotta keep running to keep them behind you as well!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Consider this my quest for the perfect healthy family dinners...I've been taking pics for a while, but I figured I'd start posting and sharing my results with all of you. Will also help me remember what worked and what didn't (my quinoa recipe was a major fail, btw...going to give it one more shot, but I really didn't much like it...neither did anyone else).
Tonight: Vegetable Couscous Skillet
So, I was in a bit of a panic tonight because I had no plans for dinner. Thankfully, I have fresh food and healthy things to cook, so I searched the SparkRecipes for something to make with what I had. I used a recipe for Chicken and Couscous Skillet with slight modifications. (Recipe: http://recipes.sparkpeople.com/recipe-deta
I didn't use any chicken. I added red peppers and green peppers, and kept out the carrots. Also used whole wheat couscous. I didn't have to go to the store. I didn't panic. And it was delicious! I topped each serving with a serving of low-fat sour cream and some cheese (though I left the cheese off mine). And they loved it to...except for Ethan.
So, all in all, I give it good marks! YUM!
Logan: "This is GREAT! Can I have some more?"
Hubby: "You need to make this like once a week!"
Ethan: "I'm not jumping over it."
Basically, I can't find anything my 8 year old will eat other than stir fry (and even that he drowns in soy sauce). I'm desperate! Anyone have any kid-friendly veggie recipes for a REALLY picky kid?!
Nutritional info according to the SparkRecipe calculator:
269cal/5.6g fat/47g carbs/8.1g fiber/2.8g sugar/11.1g protein
(per serving...4 servings total...I took the pic after I already grabbed my serving. This is how I split recipes in the pan so I know what my serving size is. *lol*)
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Just listen. Do you hear that? Silence. There is nothing but the sound of your own breathing. In and out. Listen to it, focus on it. There is only you in this moment. There is nothing to worry about, no one to strip you of focus. Just focus on your breathing and let the world melt away.
No, it's not a yoga class (though I really kinda wish it was)...it's my work today. Today is primary election day. I have no idea who is running in the tiny rural area I live in. I don't know what there is to run for (though I can think of some things and people to run from..but that's a different blog altogether). And because I am a valued State employee, I get today off....kinda...sorta...alright, not really. I took yesterday off to tackle those two major finals and decided to let my holiday hours from today cover it...which means... *drum roll please* I'm at work today while everyone else is at home watching Oprah, or Dr. Whoever.
No, big. It's actually nice to have it be a little quiet here. (Of course, the silence was interrupted by a final project I had to complete and a minor panic attack while trying to complete in two hours what we probably should have had 2 weeks to do...but teacher wasn't stressing and told me to chill.)
So, instead, I've been thinking. Random thoughts mostly. About life. About death. About Spark. About all those damn measurement calculations that only mock me (damnit YOOVIE! *lol*). And I decided, I don't really give a crap.
In the past I see these things that tell me I'm obese and going to die (if "morbidly obese" doesn't get to you, nothing will!), and I think, "I'm working on it! I swear!!" Like I need to defend myself to anyone... This word pops into my mouth ...err..head a million times a day - Selfish. Is it selfish for me to say, I don't have to justify myself or my actions to you? Is it selfish to think, today is for me, this run is for me, my life is for me? Hell no!
And what's more...I've been reminded once again that life is seriously short. A 26 year old beautiful, kind, and caring boy from my class was shot in the head yesterday, the victim of an apparent mother-son murder-suicide. I have no clue if assumptions are correct, or even who shot whom if they are, but I can tell you that this certainly hit something in me. Not only is life short, but we don't know who will come in to affect us...or how long they'll stay. (My thoughts are jumbled today, just stick with me for a minute.)
I didn't know Marty well. We were in one class together. But every day he smiled at me. Once every three weeks or so, we'd share a joke...some snarky comment full of that dark wit we seemed to share. He let us into his life a little bit, and he was one of those people who just shone. I mean shone from within. Like somehow they've hit upon the secret of life and are carrying that knowledge around in their hearts, glowing all the time. I can't say if Marty was in a good place, or if his smile was just a mask to show the world, but his smile meant everything to me this semester. Knowing I could get a smile from Marty was like knowing it would all be okay. I'd get through this test. I'd feel better tomorrow. It would make sense in the morning. Everything would be fine, because Marty was smiling. I can't describe it any better than that, but I hope you've had the fortunate experience of being around one of these people.
So lately as I stress over who is and is not coming to my graduation and what that is supposed to mean about how they feel towards me, or how many things I still have yet to do before I can walk across that stage, or what the end of school will be the beginning of, if anything, or if I'll be stuck at this desk job and school will have meant nothing at all...I am reminded that it isn't about what I do or about what others think, it's about how I let my life shine.
My weight cannot stop me from being happy if I refuse to let it. If I stop focusing on where I have yet to go and what I don't have, I'll be miserable. And I'll make others around me miserable as well. Plus, if I face the end of this life before I expect to and die "the fat girl," I want to die the happiest damn fat girl around. I want to live my life to the fullest and focus on what I DO have! I want to work towards things, of course, but I want to enjoy the damn journey too! I will not be miserable until I reach goal weight, I want to be happy the whole way there! I want to shine like I know the meaning of life...because right now, it's all a journey...and I'm sure as heck going to enjoy it!
In honor of Marty, if just for today, please let your life shine...even if it just means a "fake it til you make it" smile. You never know who you might affect...even briefly.
Monday, May 10, 2010
I just had to blog to you guys about this. I ran today. Yes, me...huge me with bad knees ran today! Of course, I should probably explain. Went for my normal walk today at the track and told myself I'd be doing a mile and a half tonight. When I got there I saw an older man running slowly around and around the track. He inspired me. All of you inspired me. My legs inspired me. Truthfully, I was getting bored with walking and was begging my legs to get me through just ONE straightaway. Nearing the end of the second lap, I went for it. It felt so wonderful! I laughed at myself. I cheered myself. I was just completely excited for myself. It's been 2 years! TWO YEARS!
Fast forward to lap four and I think, hrm...once more? My legs decided it was alright as long as I agreed to go slow. I did go slow, but I ran (jogged) that straightaway once more. And I was beat! I mean, I was thinking the next 2 laps weren't going to happen. And then I told myself that I was letting the fat girl talk me out of something again, and I pushed through.
And then lap six came, and I was tired, but somehow...pumped...and I ran that straightaway again, and felt a little like collapsing...but I still felt strong. My legs felt strong. I felt strong. My inner skinny girl felt like the power had been returned to her once more.
I beat my personal record and did a mile and a half in 33 minutes! I could've hugged myself! I wanted to share the news, but I didn't have my laptop with me. So I celebrated with a PB&J on a wheat thin round and some, okay a LOT of water! I had that glow about me and it looked good on me!
Add this to the fact that I was able to wear my "butt jeans" today... I bought these jeans online from Old Navy that were super tight but my butt looked GREAT in them. I decided to hang onto them but I've only worn them once or twice because it was really hard to sit in them or be comfy at ALL in them. Today I decided to try them on and they went right on, zipped right up and I sat right down in them! I was so happy!
Add this to the fact that I realized how much smaller I was getting already when I could sit more comfortably in my desk at school and to the fact that I walk as fast as my husband again...and hubby has said at least 5 times today "Man, you really are getting smaller!"...well, it's been a pretty darn good day!
Oh, and two finals down! One more final and two final projects to finish up. Almost done!
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