Sunday, June 05, 2011
Weight last week: 316.6
Weight this week: 318.0
*bangs head on desk repeatedly*
So, yes, my weight has been up all week. I've been avoiding the gym like the plague, which even GOGO noticed, doesn't mean I avoid working out. I saw 317 again yesterday morning (I'd been seeing 320 all week) so I went out for my run hopeful.
The run didn't go all that well. I walked 2 laps, ran 1, walked another 2, ran 1, and then walked the rest of my 2 miles. My legs feel like they're carrying and landing on bricks so I'm pretty sure I either need new shoes or new inserts (I'll try inserts first, much cheaper). I've had these shoes since January and even though I haven't been able to run much in that time, I've still put quite a few miles on them, including walk/running the Get Lucky 7k in March. So, yeah, maybe it's time for new shoes. Of course, my bank account doesn't necessarily agree. :/
After spending 35 minutes doing 2 miles (which actually isn't an awful time for me knowing that I'm returning from an injury and almost back to my race pace for my training walk/runs) and doing some yoga stretches, the boys and I headed over to a local strawberry patch and picked strawberries for an hour. It was there I realized that there was some pain/pulling in my right butt muscle. Plus, my back hurt. I would've liked to have picked more but I came away with a good haul anyhow and hope to turn them into some jam today.
So I worked out for almost 2 hours yesterday morning. And I gained a little over a pound. Go figure!
Still, I keep noticing myself in mirrors and such and in pictures and thinking - Hrm, I LOOK smaller, at least.
Oh, and here's my newest yoga move. Takes some support to get into the pose, so I'm still working on that and I can't hold it for long, which I'm also working on, but I'm pretty darn proud of it just the same.
So, yeah. I'm still going and trying and doing...and I'm still stuck in this stupid "I won't give you your 100 pounds lost" battle with Mr. Scale. We're not the best of friends right now...let's hope by Monday or Tuesday he sees it my way.
Saturday, June 04, 2011
"As I understand yoga, it is the practice of meeting ourselves wherever we are. That means meeting ourselves, with courage and compassion, even when we are in a place of fear or anger or sadness. Rather than transcending our fears, it means meeting them. It means going through, rather than around, our fears and it means being able to look at ourselves, just as we are, with acceptance and love."
I'm going to go get ready for my run, which I will follow, once again, with some yoga stretches.
Thursday, June 02, 2011
So I'm getting my inspiration for June from:
A) My Spark Friends that never let me fall too low before dragging me back up.
B) "Uncharted" by Sara Bareilles
C) The never-ending desire to see POUNDS LOST on the scale - FO REALZ, YO!
I have literally spent the past week trying to figure out my June plan and finding myself feeling lost. Where do I go now? I'm not exactly injured anymore and I know how to keep up on my therapy on my back. I have been released for full exercise again. So what's holding me back? Oh, yeah....fear. Nasty little "F" word.
The truth came to me in pieces.
This morning on the way to work, this song popped up on my iPhone. I knew I would like this song the minute I downloaded the album and listened to it for the first time, but it's taking on a whole different meaning now.
My tears won't make any room for more,
And it don't hurt,
like anything I've ever felt before,
This is no broken heart,
No familiar scars,
This territory goes uncharted..."
It's true. First of all, this injury hit me and ...well, it's like I didn't know what hit me. I've always been "unable" - at least most of my life I've viewed myself that way. I was the fat girl, the funny girl - I was NOT the athlete. And, for as long as I can remember, no one even asked it of me. In school when we did President's Day challenges, they encouraged me to cheat and just cheered that I had even tried. My gym teachers automatically provided runners for me in softball and kickball. It was just accepted that I was fat and couldn't move and they shouldn't make me "feel bad" by forcing me to try. Sad, right?
This past year I've discovered this highly athletic side of myself...a side that I gave in and hid because no one seemed to want to see it. Truth is, I've always had an interest in playing sports and competing athletically. Why else did I spend hours reading about sports, dreaming of doing them, watching them on TV. Maybe...perhaps... (Ah-HA moment incoming!) I was an athlete all along - I just never got to show myself that side of me. But this past year I stopped letting my weight be my excuse. It was the excuse others gave me as I grew up, and I accepted it because I didn't think fighting would help -- I told myself I would probably suck at anything I tried anyhow. But, no, last year I said, "No more! Do not let their justifications become your lifelong excuses!"
I've always wondered why I wasn't what they thought I was. When I was 14 or so my family joined a gym. Everyone hated going after a while but me. I loved it. I absolutely 100% thrilled in it. And while they stuck to the bike and treadmill, I wanted to lift weights and I had some uncanny love for the stairstepper and rowing machines. For some reason, though, I never took that feeling into account - I figured I was just a freak, I was fooling myself. No one LOVES the stairstepper! Everyone lasts about 5 minutes on the rowing machine and they loathe it! No one ROWS for fun! I never considered there was any different way to think - I just considered myself a freak.
So, my point (and, yes, I'm coming to it) is that last year I finally started to accept myself as an athletic person. And I was having a blast discovering that side of myself. And then I got hurt - and the excuses came back as my inability to do what I was doing before faded because my body was a little messed up. Not one doctor I saw told me "this happened because you're fat" but I told myself that over and over and over again. And I began, once again, to loathe myself. I told myself I was a joke. I wasn't an athlete. I was a fat, lazy 320 pound woman who had been fooling herself for a little while. It broke more than my spirit and heart - it broke my drive and motivation to do anything more or dream again.
In a room sunk down in a house in a town
And I don't breathe
Though I never meant to let it get away from me
Now I have too much to hold
Everybody has to get their hands on gold
And I want - uncharted.
Stuck under the ceiling I made, I can't help but feeling...
I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out, of foolproof ideas, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted..."
And that's kinda how I'm feeling about June. It's why I couldn't make a plan. I feel like this is "crash and burn" time - "all or nothing" - even though I've always told myself not to be that way. I NEED to be that way right now. And I need the flexibility of a plan that can change and morph and change shape because I have NO CLUE what my body's ready for. I've convinced myself that I'll fail everytime I try C25k because both times have ended in injury. I've convinced myself that I can't do what I did before because it made me hurt. But no doctor told me that -- it's the ceiling I've build for myself.
So, yeah, I'm out of foolproof ideas. I have no guarantee that whatever I try this month will work - but I have to try to do something. I have to be willing to fail and adjust. I have to learn to let my body lead me. I can make all the plans in the world, but I have to recognize where the threshold is and when it's okay to push it and when I should back off.
Too long I've looked to others for guidance. And I lost 150 pounds that way, so it's not a bad way to go, but what I'm experiencing now feels so new, so different, and I feel like *I* need to figure this thing out for myself instead of following every plan that's given to me. I need to set my own rules and make my own way instead of following everyone else. It's time for me to blaze the trail and make my own path.
I'm countin' up the minutes 'til I get alone
'Cause I can't stay
In the middle of it all, it's nobody's fault
But I'm so low
Never knew how much I didn't know
And everything is uncharted.
I know I'm getting nowhere
When I only sit and stare..."
So, yes. I've felt broken for a while now. It's really nobody's fault. This has been some serious business, this getting to know yourself. When you're fat and people make excuses and assumptions and you eventually come to believe them, you let go of who you really are and take up who they think you are and then you're completely lost. And coming out of that drunken stupor of my life in the past year has been a crazy experience. I feel like I don't know myself. I feel like no one understands. I feel lonely and alone and it's not everyone's fault that I'm changing and becoming a different person from the person they got to know upfront. I'm lucky they've stuck it out as long as they have, but I can't sit here and continue to pretend that I am what they thought I was. It's not that I'm becoming a new person, it's that I'm allowing myself to be myself again...something I haven't done since childhood.
"Jump start my kaleidoscope heart,
Love to watch the colors fade,
They may not make sense,
But they sure as hell made me.
I won't go as a passenger, no
Waiting for the road to be laid
Though I may be going down,
I'm taking flame over burning out
Compare, where you are to where you want to be, and you'll get nowhere"
And that's what I want for June. I'm going to give myself the electric shock that my heart needs to restart. I need to remind myself that it is OKAY that I'm discovering myself - the good and the bad. There are parts of myself I thought would pass away, the parts I didn't want, but some of them are a part of me --- AND THAT IS OKAY.
One thing I've learned, though, is that waiting for others to point me in the right direction leaves me sitting in a dark corner waiting forever. I need to forge ahead on my own and allow myself to make the mistakes I'm going to make - whatever they may be. Each day I stumble is a day I get closer to stable footing. Every mistake a lesson learned. And I'm not putting myself on a time limit.
June is about letting go, letting be, and letting myself become.
Some things I might like to do this month:
* I want to get better at Yoga. I want to incorporate at least 1 new "advanced" move a week, even if I can't even really do it - just to try.
* I'm going back to C25k. Going to try to start around week 3.
* I just bought myself a ticket to the Sara Bareilles/Sugarland concert on June 16th. Note - I bought MYSELF a ticket. There were only singles left so this was a good excuse to let myself be alone and allow myself this treat for myself, to myself, as repayment for all the hours of work I've put in.
* I want to keep up my ST at LEAST 3 days a week, shooting for 4.
* I want to get at least 30 minutes of exercise every single day this month (except yesterday, because I cannot change the past).
* I'm going back to Zumba and want to do it 2x a week as soon as my instructor returns from vacation next week. I should end up with 5 full classes before the month is out. (minus a week for a possible vacation and the night of my concert).
* And, if I do end up at the beach, I want to run barefoot on the sand. I've always wanted to know what that felt like and even if I have to wait until late or get up super early, I want to give myself the reward of living that dream - even if I only make it 10 steps before collapsing!
* I'm going back to healthy meals at home. No eating out any more than 2 times a week. 4 times on vacation.
* And, finally, get back to 4-7 fresh freggies every day. Not this "there's fruit in my yogurt" and "there was lettuce on my burger" BS. REAL fruit and REAL veggies.
* I want to row on the lake at least once or twice and I'd like to take at least one more hike.
Wish me luck! I have no clue what's on this corner of the map, but I'm ready to start exploring.
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
Weight at beginning of May: 323.2
Weight this morning: 319.2
I saw 315-317 the past couple days, and I think the weight today is from 1:
- Second full week of TOM (going into week 3)
- Lots of ST last night which has my abs and shoulders SORE!
- Not enough water yesterday
- Oh, and not one, but TWO candy bars as a snack *face/palm*
Yep. I was stupid and had candy bars as snacks yesterday. IDIOT! Of course when I went to run my 2 miles after my elliptical warm-up and shoulders/abs ST, I was out of gas. I was hungry as soon as I walked in the door. When I exercise, though, that hunger goes away, but I feel the other symptoms of not fueling right = a bad experience trying to run. Even trying to squeak out 1/4 of a mile at ANY time during the ONE mile I was able to manage was nearly impossible. I was able to get up to a 5.0 speed for a bit, but I couldn't sustain anything for very long. Even my walk segments were super slow as I tried to recover. Yes, yes...I know - fuel well before a run or you'll have nothing left in the tank. *sigh*
So May went a little like this:
* give up
* start again
* give up
* start again
* etc, etc, etc.
Still, while looking over my May goals, I think I did relatively well.
- I did my PT exercises religiously. Am still doing them though I have let it slide a day or two here or there.
- I gave that 12-week program a good run, but it was killing me, so I let it go and picked up another program to follow.
- I made adjustments for my injuries. I did the best I could and worked with what I had. I never understood how devastating it can be to be stripped of the exercises you love and have to deal with the anger and sadness that wells up inside of you. You have all these hopes and dreams and plans and goals and you've got this motivation behind you to achieve what you've set out to do and then you're trapped inside a wall, unable to move, and you see your dreams fall from your grasp and you realize you cannot do or be what you wanted to do or be....at least not right now (and, in that moment, it feels like a life sentence instead of temporary purgatory). May was the month I tried to pull myself out of the hole and worked on forgiving myself and my body for not being ready to tackle what I wanted to do. My body still needs to catch up to my mind, or my mind needs to slow down and realize that I still weigh over 300 pounds even if I feel like it's 150 right now. I feel fit and ready and able to tackle anything, but, if pushed too hard, my body reminds me that were I am physically is not where I am mentally.
- I drank my water. It is now not uncommon for me to drink 120 ounces of water in a day. I crave it, and with summer coming, I only expect that to go up. Of course, at the end of May I allowed more pop back into my life, but my 12 pack is almost gone and I won't be replacing it with more any time soon.
- As far as eating "clean" went? Well, that didn't go so great. I've been all over the place this month - from strict "dieting" to eating whatever I wanted, even including one major binge session the likes of which I hadn't seen in almost a year. It's been a tough month, but I think my mind is starting to heal itself again and I hope that will translate onto the plate. Adjustments will need to be made and I'm trying to ease my way into them.
- I've been taking glucosamine somewhat regularly. I'm not sure how good it's been doing, but it doesn't seem to be hurting.
- I never got my boxing instructor to call me back. I think I either need to switch gears or call him up and complain until he frees a spot up for me. I miss my once-a-month boxing lessons. At my last session it was hurting my injury a bit, so maybe I needed the time off to heal, but now I'm ready to go again.
What I haven't done yet:
- Register family for the Debbie Green 5k. I'll get that done this month. Gotta get the cash together first.
- I let my bathtime slide for other things. I need to bring these back because they help to mentally settle me. Not sure how well this will work out now, though because the bugs have invaded our house already and they drive me a little batty (and they love the dampness of the bathroom). *sigh*
As far as inches lost?
I gained an inch in my waist and hips. *face/palm*
My upper arms and thighs pretty much stayed the same.
My calves shrunk a couple inches and I lost 1/4 of an inch on my neck.
SINCE MARCH. *face/palm*
Okay, so here's the deal.
This is not where I thought I would be right now.
My mind is a mess. I need a vacation. I'm mentally pushing everyone away. I'm mentally in a mind suck which includes thoughts of self-loathing and not feeling worthy.
I am, however, fighting against all this and trying to convince myself that even though things don't seem to be moving, if I just keep with it something will have to budge eventually.
But considering the lack of progress I've had since January...well, things aren't going so well inside this old head of mine. I've never seen a plateau like this one - and, yes, I call it that because I've been pushing myself like mad and keep fighting the same 10-20 pounds as they hold on for dear life. It FEELS like a plateau, so I'm calling it that. So shoot me!
On January 2, 2011 I weighed: 332.6 pounds
Today I weigh: 319.2 pounds
So in 5 months, I've lost a total of 13.4 pounds, or about 2.68 pounds a month.
And that makes me incredibly sad.
I know what you're going to say. "Hey! At least you're losing!" 2.68 pounds a month? I still have over 80 pounds to lose! EIGHTY POUNDS! That means, at this rate, it's going to be 32 months of fighting to get to my first goal (where, we hope) I will be around 30% body fat. THIRTY TWO MONTHS!!!! That's almost THREE YEARS!
So, yes. It feels daunting and evil and I don't know what I'm going to do with all this information.
It's time to reassess and get my butt back to losing 8 pounds a month. I've got to figure out how to make this work again. That's my current goal for June. MAKE THIS WORK AGAIN. I don't want to be fighting myself for the next 3 years. I don't want to lose so slow that it breaks my heart.
No more broken hearts. It's time for a breakthrough!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Sunday was a pretty good day. Even though I discovered that there are no coupon inserts on holidays (insert really sad face here), I decided to continue our new Sunday ritual. I took both kids, we got 1 paper (instead of 4) for the sale ads alone, and then we headed to Shoney's for a Sunday brunch. Right after we ate, we headed to Rite-Aid where I saved about 60% on my bill. My favorite find? A Revlon eyeshadow for 99 cents! (Regularly over 5 bucks!) After Rite-Aid, we hit up Walmart, but didn't really find anything there. Final stop? Kroger. Got $150 worth of groceries for $86, saving 42%. (I'm getting SO close to my goal of saving 50% or more on my grocery bill each week, I can taste it! :) )
We got home and immediately were struck by the heat inside our house. Unfortunately we don't have central A/C and our place sits in the sun most of the day until around 6pm. I told Hubs that the boys and I were planning a trip to the lake and asked him if he wanted to go. "I don't WANT to go," he said, "But I HAVE to! It's way too hot in here!" *lol* We packed up our stuff and headed off to the lake. The water was still REALLY cold, so while Hubs and I braved it at first, and I did a few laps in the lake (boy! I sucked on that! Works a whole different group of muscles than my on-ground activities! Looking forward to improvements this summer, though!) but before long, we headed back out to the beach where I read for a bit, and Hubs lounged around. Eventually we got bored and I was starting to bake in the sun (redhead = scary sunburns if I'm not careful). We pulled the boys out and headed home.
We didn't end up at home, though. We were dreading baking again, and it wasn't quite 6 yet, so we ended up at Pizza Hut. Imagine my surprise in myself when instead of chowing on a Meat Lover's Pan Pizza, I asked Hubs if he'd mind splitting a Veggie Lover's pizza with me...and imagine my further surprise when he didn't protest to thin crust. OMG! I used to hate all these veggies, but now? It was heaven! I loved it! We had fun and I didn't feel guilty eating my thin crust pizza full of onions, green peppers, tomatoes, black olives, and mushrooms! When we finally landed at home, the place had cooled down to tolerable.
Yesterday, however, we had gotten smart and given in to the weather. Hubs finally switched off the pilot light on the heaters and furnace and we set the window A/C the night before to cool down the main living area before the predicted 95 degree heat and humidity hit. Good plan! It stayed relatively comfortable in the house.
Of course, we weren't there the whole day. My MIL called us early and I called her back when I finally woke up around 11am. (Hubs and I had stayed up late the night before coloring my hair strawberry blonde -- which in my world = having slightly lighter dark red hair *face/palm*) She invited us up for a cookout and cake and ice cream for Hubs' grandfather's birthday and some homemade ice cream. While the ice cream never turned out right, and I ate a bit too much cake, and Hubs and I fought most of the time, it was still nice to see g'pa and wish him a Happy Birthday (his birthday is actually today). As we left, we took along the tomato and pepper plants my MIL had set aside for me. 8 bell pepper plants, 3 better boy tomato plants, and 1 cherry tomato plants. We dropped the plants, extra slices of cake, and the Hubs off at home and then the boys and I ran to Walmart.
Try as I might, after hitting 3 stores, I never found my zucchini plants. *pouts* I did find 1 sweet banana pepper plant, an eggplant (plant? *lol*), and a tomatillo plant. I also used my summer dress that shows way too much cleavage to get a discount on 4 garden stakes for the tomato plants at the hardware store. *lol* I also picked up a manual cultivator tool, a little shovel I found on clearance (because having an extra meant more people could help plant), and 2 bags of organic soil.
We got home and found Hubs with the hoe in the garden (the makings of a perfect rim-shot-worthy joke there!). He'd finished much of the largest patch and the boys and I rushed over to help finish up that patch and start the small patch on the other side of the creek. I have no clue how long we were out there. Probably two hours. We cultivated the soil manually and got all our plants in the ground and watered before the sun went down. Feels so good to have that done. The boys then stayed out a little longer planting some flowers I had bought them at Walmart. I'll have to take pics tonight. They each dug up one patch of soil on either side of our crazy rose bush and planted all their flowers and flower seeds in their own little patch. :)
So my exercise for this weekend was completely organic. I came in from gardening yesterday and had lost 2 pounds in one day! *lol* Of course, I'm sure most of that was dehydration, but I was SUPER hungry after, so I know I really put in a great workout. My body is a little sore today too. And my food? It included eating when I was hungry and stopping when I was full, for the most part.
The plan for the week looks thrown together and I've accepted that these are just guidelines. If the weather is right, I won't want to be in the gym pounding the weights...I'll want to be outside playing with my boys - especially considering I have short days this week(we had a holiday yesterday so my 4-day-week only includes 8-hour days instead of 10-hour days. I get off at 4:30pm this week instead of 6pm!!)
Lunch-time Yoga (at least 15-20 mins)
R-Mac Day 3 - Shoulders & Abs
Running - with at least one 1/2 mile jogging segment, 2 miles total
Lunch-time Yoga (at least 15 minutes)
R-Mac Day 4 - Lower Body
No Cardio. Check garden. Bath/mani/pedi night.
Lunch-time walk (at least 20 minutes)
R-Mac Day 1 - Back & Biceps
Lunch-time walk (at least 20 minutes)
Boxing stint (at least 10 minutes)
Stair stepper (at least 10-15 minutes)
Elliptical (yes, I know that's a bike, not an elliptical *lol*) (at least 15 mins)
Running at gym or track, at least 2 miles total, at least 1/2 a mile jogging stint - try to increase jogging stints, even if just by a few steps or a .10 of a mile
R-Mac Day 2 - Chest & Triceps
Coupon and brunch routine with the boys
Shopping for the week
Hope you all had a great weekend! I've got my plan, but I can't promise I'll be around much. I need to not feel the pressure I put on myself all the time. I need more "freedom" time. I need to see if I can put 2 and 2 together on my own. If I start coming up with 15 or something, I'll come back and use the tracker again, but until then, I might log, I might not. Doing is more important than logging what I do. I gotta work on the doing.
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