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Weigh-In: *Bangs Head on Desk* Edition

Sunday, June 05, 2011

Weight last week: 316.6
Weight this week: 318.0

*bangs head on desk repeatedly*
So, yes, my weight has been up all week. I've been avoiding the gym like the plague, which even GOGO noticed, doesn't mean I avoid working out. I saw 317 again yesterday morning (I'd been seeing 320 all week) so I went out for my run hopeful.

The run didn't go all that well. I walked 2 laps, ran 1, walked another 2, ran 1, and then walked the rest of my 2 miles. My legs feel like they're carrying and landing on bricks so I'm pretty sure I either need new shoes or new inserts (I'll try inserts first, much cheaper). I've had these shoes since January and even though I haven't been able to run much in that time, I've still put quite a few miles on them, including walk/running the Get Lucky 7k in March. So, yeah, maybe it's time for new shoes. Of course, my bank account doesn't necessarily agree. :/

After spending 35 minutes doing 2 miles (which actually isn't an awful time for me knowing that I'm returning from an injury and almost back to my race pace for my training walk/runs) and doing some yoga stretches, the boys and I headed over to a local strawberry patch and picked strawberries for an hour. It was there I realized that there was some pain/pulling in my right butt muscle. Plus, my back hurt. I would've liked to have picked more but I came away with a good haul anyhow and hope to turn them into some jam today.

So I worked out for almost 2 hours yesterday morning. And I gained a little over a pound. Go figure!

Still, I keep noticing myself in mirrors and such and in pictures and thinking - Hrm, I LOOK smaller, at least.

Oh, and here's my newest yoga move. Takes some support to get into the pose, so I'm still working on that and I can't hold it for long, which I'm also working on, but I'm pretty darn proud of it just the same.

Dancer pose.

So, yeah. I'm still going and trying and doing...and I'm still stuck in this stupid "I won't give you your 100 pounds lost" battle with Mr. Scale. We're not the best of friends right now...let's hope by Monday or Tuesday he sees it my way.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGIRL06 6/9/2011 2:47PM

    The yoga balance poses are my favorite! Love the idea of going to a strawberry patch! I have heard there is one near me (other than my wild mini strawberries in the front yard, lol). Keep it up!

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SARAWALKS 6/8/2011 10:29AM

    Cool! It takes some strength and balance to do that pose and you've got 'em in spades! You will beat up Mr. Scale yet, just keep truckin! emoticon

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CAALAN23 6/8/2011 10:19AM

    Look at you go! I don't know much yoga but I do know I could not hold that pose long!


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BLACK-PRINCESS 6/8/2011 8:02AM


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SCHENPOSSIBLE 6/7/2011 10:19AM

    You do look slim! Build those muscles, girl! Become more limber and you'll be in those yoga poses with more ease. Trust! I started doing yoga at 280 lbs and getting around these boobs is no small feat. But I kept with it, it's getting easier and I'm getting stronger. You got this!

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TRACYZABELLE 6/7/2011 3:49AM

    Darn that stinking scale! You can get there I know it!!!

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4EVERADONEGIRL 6/6/2011 7:34PM

    That's some serious balance girl! Me, I'd be tipping over and need the fence to keep me from going down completely! Good job picking some fresh strawberries! That is a workout FO SHO!!!

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TEAM-SARAH 6/6/2011 5:56PM

    You are looking great, and you're so healthy and fit! Don't beat yourself up over the scale. The next weigh in will be much better!! I hope you have a great week and don't get too down about this

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ERIN4771 6/6/2011 4:58PM

    it may be time to go on a break from mr are looking wonderful esther!! the scale only tells half the story, try to remember that when you are banging your head on the desk (this is only acceptable behavior when you are listening to hair metal music, btw emoticon)'ll get there, til then, keep rockin that dancer pose, it's looking great!!

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SPUNKYDUCKY 6/6/2011 4:34PM

    Yup, I understand the bangs head on desk concept. I finally updated my ticker today to 214 - where I have been more or less for the past 3 months. Hope we both have a better week next week

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CARMINACG 6/6/2011 2:43PM

    I swear in the summer I tend to flucuate in lbs very fequently -I think its the different days my body retains water. So I find if I just stay on course, try to be active and make the best choices I can food wise I will see a drop sooner or later!

I know you will have tons of sucess over the next few months, just stick with your walking/jogging. Also great job on the Dancers pose!

I find when I started doing the Dancers Pose my balance was all over the place (plus I had weak ancles as well)! It helped me to keep my hand closed around the ankle/top of foot area in the inside of my leg - that way its less stress on your shoulder as your arm is reaching back. To help with front balance the frount arm that is extended can be kept close to your ear - extended high. By doing these small mods you will find you can hold it longer (less wobbly from the start), I find that balance becomes a bit easier and as you push you back leg out and up, and your frount arm will slowly shift into a more horisontal position (keep it at your ear) and you body will be able to twist into the pose allowing for a deeper stretch. Awesome pose! Keep up the great work! :)

Yoga has not only helped me to mend weak areas, build stregnth and resistance in my workouts but has really helped me with accepting my body more at each stage of my journey. Its a positive practice for too many reason to list :)

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RAVENSONG37 6/6/2011 2:22PM

    That pose looks awesome and you will get there with the scale...just keep doing what you are doing! And you do look smaller...and awesome.

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 6/6/2011 11:11AM

    Love the new pose!

Check the scale again in a day or two. I could be lactic acid built up in your muscles, your body storing extra water since you were outside doing activities on a hot day (if your weekend temps were anything like what I had).

Or it could be the rotation of the earth and pull of the moon, because I'm up 2lbs from last week too.

Let's both work hard on combatting Mr Scale and we'll have the results we're looking for.

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SEEHOLZ 6/6/2011 7:30AM

    I keep reading your blogs and your frustration with the scale- sorry. I can relate on some level. I don't weigh very often, but I'm stuck. I know that I could try harder, but by the same token, when I do try harder, I gain a pound or I'm stuck. I read other blogs where people deal with similar things, which makes me feel somewhat less alone and less frustrated at times.

The thing I learned on a my journey is that peace of mind is extremely important to me. I don't know if it's bothering you to have these fights with Mr Scale and all that worry and burden to be carried around each day- I'm saying that, because it sounds sooo frustrating from your blogs, not judging you or anything. I just hope that if it does bother you, that you can just step away for a little while and not let the scale get you frustrated- it's a process, but in my opinion the benefits are well worth it. I know different people have different ways to get results and maybe you need to spend all that energy on weight loss- so don't get wrong, I'm not trying to tell you that you are doing anything wrong- at all. I just feel bad to see you frustrated like you have been lately. ( I don't always get to post on your blogs or even read the whole blog) but I try to keep up a little bit, because you are such an amazing example of what this journey means! I really respect your dedication and hard effort- there is a lot of inspiration there.

With regards to shoes, my rule of thumb is to change my shoes every 300 miles. I buy shoes that go 300-500 miles ( per the store clerk and internet reviews) and since I'm not "petite" -LOL, 300 is my top limit. Maybe my shoes got more in them, but I start getting worried about my feet. I'm going on vacation for 3 weeks and I made sure to buy a new pair, because I might be going over 300-LOL. Yes, kind of silly, but again, peace of mind if important to me.
Do you have a 2nd, older pair maybe? Sometimes you can get a little more out of your shoe, by rotating them and doing short little runs/walks in them before retiring them. I hope the inserts do the trick though- but maybe start keeping track of how much mileage you put on your shoes so you know. ( it might be more if you walk? I don't know)

As for gaining a lb after you run? That just might be your body absorbing more water, because of your exertion- happens to me - a lot! I try not to worry about it too much. I mean, I dont' really notice it as much, because I don't weigh too often, but I've noticed it in the past, so there must be something to it-LOL.

As for the pain in the glute- 100% foam roller. I love to roll my glutes- I dont' know about your bad back, but I roll my back to keep it loose sometimes- maybe ask your doctor or do you already do that?

Have a lovely week! I hope it's filled with tons of positive energy-- you'll get your 100 lbs! Because you are dedicated and it'll get you there!!!

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MIQUEY73 6/5/2011 11:29PM

    Awesome yoga pose. You're doing great! Enjoy your strawberries!

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SARAHMAC1978 6/5/2011 11:14PM

    Well, you LOOK smaller, and that's so much more gratifying than a silly number!

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MAGPIE17 6/5/2011 9:35PM

    You definitely look smaller!

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LISSOME 6/5/2011 1:54PM

    Loving that yoga pose. It looks so classic and ballet-graceful.
Also, STRAWBERRIES!!! I'm so excited for when they'll finally be ready in Maine.
I hope your boys let you eat some of them. emoticon

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AHEALTHYDANI 6/5/2011 12:08PM

    Hwit, hwooh! (That is the sound of me whistling at how fabulous you look in those pics). Sorry that jerk of a scale isn't moving for you.

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AHEALTHYDANI 6/5/2011 12:08PM

    Hwit, hwooh! (That is the sound of me whistling at how fabulous you look in those pics). Sorry that jerk of a scale isn't moving for you.

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX10 6/5/2011 11:10AM

    You are doing great. I bet that pound is just water weight from working hard and it will be gone with some of its friends. Keep up the good work. emoticon

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ERIN1128 6/5/2011 11:08AM

    Love that you can do dancer pose! You're getting so fit!

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FITMOUSE 6/5/2011 10:24AM

  Keep up the good work! Sometimes you have to go by how you feel and not what the scale says... just remember, we all have rough weeks and what's important is that you're not giving up. emoticon emoticon

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ANELAKANOA 6/5/2011 9:52AM

  I know how you feel emoticon. We all have good weeks and bad weeks! Just keep thinking of the positive changes you've already made! You are fabulous!

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SARAHJ19 6/5/2011 9:20AM

    The scale can just plain suck sometimes! I have a love hate relationship with mine!!

You look really good doing your yoga pose! I love doing yoga! It is so relaxing yet so hard sometimes! emoticon

I love going to the strawberry patch! That is a workout in itself picking them!! emoticon

Keep going girl! emoticon

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RIDLEYRIDER 6/5/2011 9:04AM

  If you feel better, you're making progress. Patience and perserverance will win out! emoticon

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Yoga Snippet

Saturday, June 04, 2011

"As I understand yoga, it is the practice of meeting ourselves wherever we are. That means meeting ourselves, with courage and compassion, even when we are in a place of fear or anger or sadness. Rather than transcending our fears, it means meeting them. It means going through, rather than around, our fears and it means being able to look at ourselves, just as we are, with acceptance and love."

I'm going to go get ready for my run, which I will follow, once again, with some yoga stretches.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TEAM-SARAH 6/7/2011 1:08AM

    namaste ;)

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PINUPMODEL23 6/6/2011 3:02PM

    People tend to forget that the real definition of yoga is the journey one takes in order to achieve union with the body and mind, the material and spiritual.
The asanas are just a very small part of a much larger set of behaviors one must engage in to truly be practicing yoga.

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MAGPIE17 6/6/2011 11:58AM

    Love it!

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 6/6/2011 11:00AM

    Thanks, I need to do more research on yoga. I think I need some of that in my life.

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"Uncharted" June Plan

Thursday, June 02, 2011

So I'm getting my inspiration for June from:
A) My Spark Friends that never let me fall too low before dragging me back up.
B) "Uncharted" by Sara Bareilles
C) The never-ending desire to see POUNDS LOST on the scale - FO REALZ, YO!

I have literally spent the past week trying to figure out my June plan and finding myself feeling lost. Where do I go now? I'm not exactly injured anymore and I know how to keep up on my therapy on my back. I have been released for full exercise again. So what's holding me back? Oh, yeah....fear. Nasty little "F" word.

The truth came to me in pieces.

This morning on the way to work, this song popped up on my iPhone. I knew I would like this song the minute I downloaded the album and listened to it for the first time, but it's taking on a whole different meaning now.

"No words.
My tears won't make any room for more,
And it don't hurt,
like anything I've ever felt before,
This is no broken heart,
No familiar scars,
This territory goes uncharted..."

It's true. First of all, this injury hit me and ...well, it's like I didn't know what hit me. I've always been "unable" - at least most of my life I've viewed myself that way. I was the fat girl, the funny girl - I was NOT the athlete. And, for as long as I can remember, no one even asked it of me. In school when we did President's Day challenges, they encouraged me to cheat and just cheered that I had even tried. My gym teachers automatically provided runners for me in softball and kickball. It was just accepted that I was fat and couldn't move and they shouldn't make me "feel bad" by forcing me to try. Sad, right?

This past year I've discovered this highly athletic side of myself...a side that I gave in and hid because no one seemed to want to see it. Truth is, I've always had an interest in playing sports and competing athletically. Why else did I spend hours reading about sports, dreaming of doing them, watching them on TV. Maybe...perhaps... (Ah-HA moment incoming!) I was an athlete all along - I just never got to show myself that side of me. But this past year I stopped letting my weight be my excuse. It was the excuse others gave me as I grew up, and I accepted it because I didn't think fighting would help -- I told myself I would probably suck at anything I tried anyhow. But, no, last year I said, "No more! Do not let their justifications become your lifelong excuses!"

I've always wondered why I wasn't what they thought I was. When I was 14 or so my family joined a gym. Everyone hated going after a while but me. I loved it. I absolutely 100% thrilled in it. And while they stuck to the bike and treadmill, I wanted to lift weights and I had some uncanny love for the stairstepper and rowing machines. For some reason, though, I never took that feeling into account - I figured I was just a freak, I was fooling myself. No one LOVES the stairstepper! Everyone lasts about 5 minutes on the rowing machine and they loathe it! No one ROWS for fun! I never considered there was any different way to think - I just considered myself a freak.

So, my point (and, yes, I'm coming to it) is that last year I finally started to accept myself as an athletic person. And I was having a blast discovering that side of myself. And then I got hurt - and the excuses came back as my inability to do what I was doing before faded because my body was a little messed up. Not one doctor I saw told me "this happened because you're fat" but I told myself that over and over and over again. And I began, once again, to loathe myself. I told myself I was a joke. I wasn't an athlete. I was a fat, lazy 320 pound woman who had been fooling herself for a little while. It broke more than my spirit and heart - it broke my drive and motivation to do anything more or dream again.

"Just me
In a room sunk down in a house in a town
And I don't breathe
Though I never meant to let it get away from me

Now I have too much to hold
Everybody has to get their hands on gold
And I want - uncharted.

Stuck under the ceiling I made, I can't help but feeling...
I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out, of foolproof ideas, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted..."

And that's kinda how I'm feeling about June. It's why I couldn't make a plan. I feel like this is "crash and burn" time - "all or nothing" - even though I've always told myself not to be that way. I NEED to be that way right now. And I need the flexibility of a plan that can change and morph and change shape because I have NO CLUE what my body's ready for. I've convinced myself that I'll fail everytime I try C25k because both times have ended in injury. I've convinced myself that I can't do what I did before because it made me hurt. But no doctor told me that -- it's the ceiling I've build for myself.

So, yeah, I'm out of foolproof ideas. I have no guarantee that whatever I try this month will work - but I have to try to do something. I have to be willing to fail and adjust. I have to learn to let my body lead me. I can make all the plans in the world, but I have to recognize where the threshold is and when it's okay to push it and when I should back off.

Too long I've looked to others for guidance. And I lost 150 pounds that way, so it's not a bad way to go, but what I'm experiencing now feels so new, so different, and I feel like *I* need to figure this thing out for myself instead of following every plan that's given to me. I need to set my own rules and make my own way instead of following everyone else. It's time for me to blaze the trail and make my own path.

"Each day
I'm countin' up the minutes 'til I get alone
'Cause I can't stay
In the middle of it all, it's nobody's fault

But I'm so low
Never knew how much I didn't know
And everything is uncharted.

I know I'm getting nowhere
When I only sit and stare..."

So, yes. I've felt broken for a while now. It's really nobody's fault. This has been some serious business, this getting to know yourself. When you're fat and people make excuses and assumptions and you eventually come to believe them, you let go of who you really are and take up who they think you are and then you're completely lost. And coming out of that drunken stupor of my life in the past year has been a crazy experience. I feel like I don't know myself. I feel like no one understands. I feel lonely and alone and it's not everyone's fault that I'm changing and becoming a different person from the person they got to know upfront. I'm lucky they've stuck it out as long as they have, but I can't sit here and continue to pretend that I am what they thought I was. It's not that I'm becoming a new person, it's that I'm allowing myself to be myself again...something I haven't done since childhood.

"Jump start my kaleidoscope heart,
Love to watch the colors fade,
They may not make sense,
But they sure as hell made me.

I won't go as a passenger, no
Waiting for the road to be laid
Though I may be going down,
I'm taking flame over burning out

Compare, where you are to where you want to be, and you'll get nowhere"

And that's what I want for June. I'm going to give myself the electric shock that my heart needs to restart. I need to remind myself that it is OKAY that I'm discovering myself - the good and the bad. There are parts of myself I thought would pass away, the parts I didn't want, but some of them are a part of me --- AND THAT IS OKAY.

One thing I've learned, though, is that waiting for others to point me in the right direction leaves me sitting in a dark corner waiting forever. I need to forge ahead on my own and allow myself to make the mistakes I'm going to make - whatever they may be. Each day I stumble is a day I get closer to stable footing. Every mistake a lesson learned. And I'm not putting myself on a time limit.

June is about letting go, letting be, and letting myself become.

Some things I might like to do this month:
* I want to get better at Yoga. I want to incorporate at least 1 new "advanced" move a week, even if I can't even really do it - just to try.
* I'm going back to C25k. Going to try to start around week 3.
* I just bought myself a ticket to the Sara Bareilles/Sugarland concert on June 16th. Note - I bought MYSELF a ticket. There were only singles left so this was a good excuse to let myself be alone and allow myself this treat for myself, to myself, as repayment for all the hours of work I've put in.
* I want to keep up my ST at LEAST 3 days a week, shooting for 4.
* I want to get at least 30 minutes of exercise every single day this month (except yesterday, because I cannot change the past).
* I'm going back to Zumba and want to do it 2x a week as soon as my instructor returns from vacation next week. I should end up with 5 full classes before the month is out. (minus a week for a possible vacation and the night of my concert).
* And, if I do end up at the beach, I want to run barefoot on the sand. I've always wanted to know what that felt like and even if I have to wait until late or get up super early, I want to give myself the reward of living that dream - even if I only make it 10 steps before collapsing!
* I'm going back to healthy meals at home. No eating out any more than 2 times a week. 4 times on vacation.
* And, finally, get back to 4-7 fresh freggies every day. Not this "there's fruit in my yogurt" and "there was lettuce on my burger" BS. REAL fruit and REAL veggies.
* I want to row on the lake at least once or twice and I'd like to take at least one more hike.

Wish me luck! I have no clue what's on this corner of the map, but I'm ready to start exploring.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGIRL06 6/9/2011 2:45PM

    Love this blog! Ya know, I think that "athletic" is more of a mindset than an ability. It is all about the desire to be active and the love of sports/exercise. I love how you are discovering yourself! I have always thought of my true self as someone who was active and healthy. I am glad I found myself :) And glad you are here to join me!

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ERINBEAR1876 6/6/2011 9:51PM

    Loved reading this tonight, Esther. Very insightful and poignant. You rock!!

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4EVERADONEGIRL 6/6/2011 7:32PM

    Good luck! The path may be uncharted, but I think you will blaze that trail nonetheless...and have a whole group of people following right behind you giving you a cheer here and a butt kick there! And when the going gets tough, just stop in at the island bar and have a little drink before heading back out again!

June is going to ROCK!!!

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    You can do it Esther!!

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BLACK-PRINCESS 6/3/2011 4:11PM

if you need someone to lean on, we're here emoticon

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HEAVENSSHADOW 6/3/2011 10:53AM

    Like! Like like like like!
SRSLY Esther, get outs my brain!
We're both taking charge this month, and I think that's WONDERFUL. :)


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TRACYZABELLE 6/3/2011 2:50AM

    emoticon You sound determined to me!

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SHEILA1505 6/3/2011 1:57AM

    Great! Is there a rowing machine or stair stepper available? Maybe you'll find your inner child on there again


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GOGOSHIRE 6/3/2011 1:14AM

    Another amazing blog from an amazing woman. Love you to pieces, E. emoticon

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ADVENTURE-GIRL 6/2/2011 9:57PM

    This is a great post. I remember from reading all the workouts that you had be doing prior to your injury, you girl are definitely an athlete. Here's to a great June!

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 6/2/2011 8:37PM

    Love this blog. I've seen your inner athlete and am glad she's ready to come out again and that you are injury free.

Love your plan for the month of June (especially the concert)! You are going to rock June!

Can't wait to hear about all your adventures!

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    LOVE that Sara Bareilles song! And another track on that CD is my anthem for this year: Let the Rain.

You are so strong and determined that I know you are always heading in the right direction even if sometimes you're moving faster than other times... Weight loss for me is turning out to be way more than working on finding a smaller butt - it's about learning about myself, life, and who I really want to be. And I always, always, always learn something about myself from your blogs!!

Bring on June...!! emoticon

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FITBUG78 6/2/2011 7:50PM

    I think you have a great plan ahead of you. Whether you're able to stick to the whole thing or make adjustments along the way at least you have a starting point---good for you! You aren't committing to a whole bunch of things all at once "things I might like to do this month", awesome! Small steps and changes will yield results. You won't be burnt out or overwhelmed.

I just started C25K again. I'm enjoying it. This time I want to finish it. Good luck to you E!

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AHEALTHYDANI 6/2/2011 7:48PM

    I love your blogs :) Your plan sounds awesome and I'm so jealous that you're going to Sugarland!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ERIN1128 6/2/2011 4:25PM

    OMG, Sara Bareilles and Sugarland?? Swoon! Wish I could go with you. ;-) Sounds like you're doing a good job of making YOU a priority.

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    Great planning! Enjoy your month, I know you are going to Sparkle through ut!!!! emoticon emoticon

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MILLIE-MILOU 6/2/2011 3:25PM

    Wow, you sound like you have gotten yourself really motivated. emoticon
I hope your June goes better than you expected and that you find yourself on a roll all the way through July too.

BTW, I loved the gym, running, cycling etc too. I was the family freak and proud of it.


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May Recap

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Weight at beginning of May: 323.2
Weight this morning: 319.2

I saw 315-317 the past couple days, and I think the weight today is from 1:
- Second full week of TOM (going into week 3)
- Lots of ST last night which has my abs and shoulders SORE!
- Not enough water yesterday
- Oh, and not one, but TWO candy bars as a snack *face/palm*

Yep. I was stupid and had candy bars as snacks yesterday. IDIOT! Of course when I went to run my 2 miles after my elliptical warm-up and shoulders/abs ST, I was out of gas. I was hungry as soon as I walked in the door. When I exercise, though, that hunger goes away, but I feel the other symptoms of not fueling right = a bad experience trying to run. Even trying to squeak out 1/4 of a mile at ANY time during the ONE mile I was able to manage was nearly impossible. I was able to get up to a 5.0 speed for a bit, but I couldn't sustain anything for very long. Even my walk segments were super slow as I tried to recover. Yes, yes...I know - fuel well before a run or you'll have nothing left in the tank. *sigh*

So May went a little like this:
* sad
* depressed
* lonely
* bored
* hurt
* angry
* sad
* give up
* start again
* give up
* start again
* etc, etc, etc.

Still, while looking over my May goals, I think I did relatively well.
- I did my PT exercises religiously. Am still doing them though I have let it slide a day or two here or there.
- I gave that 12-week program a good run, but it was killing me, so I let it go and picked up another program to follow.
- I made adjustments for my injuries. I did the best I could and worked with what I had. I never understood how devastating it can be to be stripped of the exercises you love and have to deal with the anger and sadness that wells up inside of you. You have all these hopes and dreams and plans and goals and you've got this motivation behind you to achieve what you've set out to do and then you're trapped inside a wall, unable to move, and you see your dreams fall from your grasp and you realize you cannot do or be what you wanted to do or least not right now (and, in that moment, it feels like a life sentence instead of temporary purgatory). May was the month I tried to pull myself out of the hole and worked on forgiving myself and my body for not being ready to tackle what I wanted to do. My body still needs to catch up to my mind, or my mind needs to slow down and realize that I still weigh over 300 pounds even if I feel like it's 150 right now. I feel fit and ready and able to tackle anything, but, if pushed too hard, my body reminds me that were I am physically is not where I am mentally.
- I drank my water. It is now not uncommon for me to drink 120 ounces of water in a day. I crave it, and with summer coming, I only expect that to go up. Of course, at the end of May I allowed more pop back into my life, but my 12 pack is almost gone and I won't be replacing it with more any time soon.
- As far as eating "clean" went? Well, that didn't go so great. I've been all over the place this month - from strict "dieting" to eating whatever I wanted, even including one major binge session the likes of which I hadn't seen in almost a year. It's been a tough month, but I think my mind is starting to heal itself again and I hope that will translate onto the plate. Adjustments will need to be made and I'm trying to ease my way into them.
- I've been taking glucosamine somewhat regularly. I'm not sure how good it's been doing, but it doesn't seem to be hurting.
- I never got my boxing instructor to call me back. I think I either need to switch gears or call him up and complain until he frees a spot up for me. I miss my once-a-month boxing lessons. At my last session it was hurting my injury a bit, so maybe I needed the time off to heal, but now I'm ready to go again.

What I haven't done yet:
- Register family for the Debbie Green 5k. I'll get that done this month. Gotta get the cash together first.
- I let my bathtime slide for other things. I need to bring these back because they help to mentally settle me. Not sure how well this will work out now, though because the bugs have invaded our house already and they drive me a little batty (and they love the dampness of the bathroom). *sigh*

As far as inches lost?
I gained an inch in my waist and hips. *face/palm*
My upper arms and thighs pretty much stayed the same.
My calves shrunk a couple inches and I lost 1/4 of an inch on my neck.
SINCE MARCH. *face/palm*

Okay, so here's the deal.
This is not where I thought I would be right now.
My mind is a mess. I need a vacation. I'm mentally pushing everyone away. I'm mentally in a mind suck which includes thoughts of self-loathing and not feeling worthy.
I am, however, fighting against all this and trying to convince myself that even though things don't seem to be moving, if I just keep with it something will have to budge eventually.
But considering the lack of progress I've had since January...well, things aren't going so well inside this old head of mine. I've never seen a plateau like this one - and, yes, I call it that because I've been pushing myself like mad and keep fighting the same 10-20 pounds as they hold on for dear life. It FEELS like a plateau, so I'm calling it that. So shoot me!

On January 2, 2011 I weighed: 332.6 pounds
Today I weigh: 319.2 pounds

So in 5 months, I've lost a total of 13.4 pounds, or about 2.68 pounds a month.
And that makes me incredibly sad.

I know what you're going to say. "Hey! At least you're losing!" 2.68 pounds a month? I still have over 80 pounds to lose! EIGHTY POUNDS! That means, at this rate, it's going to be 32 months of fighting to get to my first goal (where, we hope) I will be around 30% body fat. THIRTY TWO MONTHS!!!! That's almost THREE YEARS!

So, yes. It feels daunting and evil and I don't know what I'm going to do with all this information.

It's time to reassess and get my butt back to losing 8 pounds a month. I've got to figure out how to make this work again. That's my current goal for June. MAKE THIS WORK AGAIN. I don't want to be fighting myself for the next 3 years. I don't want to lose so slow that it breaks my heart.

No more broken hearts. It's time for a breakthrough!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LESLIES537 6/1/2011 9:11PM

    Ok, so you started out by listing some reasons why the scale was up from what you had been seeing it at. TOM alone can cause that gain!! So really, your true weight could've very well been 315--which gives you your 8 lb loss for the month!! No need to freak out! You got this!!


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SPARTANBABE 6/1/2011 7:26PM


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4EVERADONEGIRL 6/1/2011 5:56PM

    You've accomplished so much and I know that you will achieve your June goal - get this to work again!!! You can do it!!!!

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ERIN1128 6/1/2011 11:49AM

    I know it's frustrating, but I think it's pretty impressive that with all the emotional/mental fights you've been struggling with lately, and all the things you've done "wrong" (quit beating yourself up over a candy bar or two!), you STILL lost weight. To me, that's real progress. As for the road ahead, I think you really need to try to take it one day at a time - calculating how long it will take to lose those pounds will make you nuts! Big hugs.

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CINSROAD2HEALTH 6/1/2011 11:30AM

    Some say the longer it takes to get off...the longer it stays off. I mean what the #*@&(#! were they thinking!?! LOL

I can totally relate to your blog. In May, I felt nearly every single emotion that you stunk! I might as well have been walking around kicking rocks than sitting and feeling sorry for myself....but, in the end - here we are. Still ready to fight the good fight! Don't give up! Don't let the numbers on the scale dictate how you feel...don't like the measuring tape control your emotions. One day at a time! You can do it!! You really can - no matter how long it takes, just get there dear at your pace!!!

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    Yes, but look at it this way, even at the rate you are going now, you will be at your goal in just 32 months. That 32 months is going to pass eventually either way. You can stay stagnant or keep moving in the right direction. That's the only two options because the time is going to pass by regardless.

This month, it will be TWO YEARS since I originally joined Spark under my first page. Two years, I've been working towards my goal weight, and I'm not there yet. But you know what? I'm not giving up. Maybe by the third year, I'll be there.

So don't be so hard on yourself. Hugs dear.

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MAGPIE17 6/1/2011 9:44AM

    "I never understood how devastating it can be to be stripped of the exercises you love and have to deal with the anger and sadness that wells up inside of you. You have all these hopes and dreams and plans and goals and you've got this motivation behind you to achieve what you've set out to do and then you're trapped inside a wall, unable to move, and you see your dreams fall from your grasp and you realize you cannot do or be what you wanted to do or least not right now (and, in that moment, it feels like a life sentence instead of temporary purgatory). " - THIS. I totally get this. I'm having a really rough go of it right now, and you described it perfectly.

I'm sorry the weight's not going down as quickly as you want it to. Keep it up, though - even if the number on the scale's being a birch, you ARE still improving your health and wellbeing by eating better and exercising.

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Weekend Update & Weekly Plan

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Sunday was a pretty good day. Even though I discovered that there are no coupon inserts on holidays (insert really sad face here), I decided to continue our new Sunday ritual. I took both kids, we got 1 paper (instead of 4) for the sale ads alone, and then we headed to Shoney's for a Sunday brunch. Right after we ate, we headed to Rite-Aid where I saved about 60% on my bill. My favorite find? A Revlon eyeshadow for 99 cents! (Regularly over 5 bucks!) After Rite-Aid, we hit up Walmart, but didn't really find anything there. Final stop? Kroger. Got $150 worth of groceries for $86, saving 42%. (I'm getting SO close to my goal of saving 50% or more on my grocery bill each week, I can taste it! :) )

We got home and immediately were struck by the heat inside our house. Unfortunately we don't have central A/C and our place sits in the sun most of the day until around 6pm. I told Hubs that the boys and I were planning a trip to the lake and asked him if he wanted to go. "I don't WANT to go," he said, "But I HAVE to! It's way too hot in here!" *lol* We packed up our stuff and headed off to the lake. The water was still REALLY cold, so while Hubs and I braved it at first, and I did a few laps in the lake (boy! I sucked on that! Works a whole different group of muscles than my on-ground activities! Looking forward to improvements this summer, though!) but before long, we headed back out to the beach where I read for a bit, and Hubs lounged around. Eventually we got bored and I was starting to bake in the sun (redhead = scary sunburns if I'm not careful). We pulled the boys out and headed home.

We didn't end up at home, though. We were dreading baking again, and it wasn't quite 6 yet, so we ended up at Pizza Hut. Imagine my surprise in myself when instead of chowing on a Meat Lover's Pan Pizza, I asked Hubs if he'd mind splitting a Veggie Lover's pizza with me...and imagine my further surprise when he didn't protest to thin crust. OMG! I used to hate all these veggies, but now? It was heaven! I loved it! We had fun and I didn't feel guilty eating my thin crust pizza full of onions, green peppers, tomatoes, black olives, and mushrooms! When we finally landed at home, the place had cooled down to tolerable.

Yesterday, however, we had gotten smart and given in to the weather. Hubs finally switched off the pilot light on the heaters and furnace and we set the window A/C the night before to cool down the main living area before the predicted 95 degree heat and humidity hit. Good plan! It stayed relatively comfortable in the house.

Of course, we weren't there the whole day. My MIL called us early and I called her back when I finally woke up around 11am. (Hubs and I had stayed up late the night before coloring my hair strawberry blonde -- which in my world = having slightly lighter dark red hair *face/palm*) She invited us up for a cookout and cake and ice cream for Hubs' grandfather's birthday and some homemade ice cream. While the ice cream never turned out right, and I ate a bit too much cake, and Hubs and I fought most of the time, it was still nice to see g'pa and wish him a Happy Birthday (his birthday is actually today). As we left, we took along the tomato and pepper plants my MIL had set aside for me. 8 bell pepper plants, 3 better boy tomato plants, and 1 cherry tomato plants. We dropped the plants, extra slices of cake, and the Hubs off at home and then the boys and I ran to Walmart.

Try as I might, after hitting 3 stores, I never found my zucchini plants. *pouts* I did find 1 sweet banana pepper plant, an eggplant (plant? *lol*), and a tomatillo plant. I also used my summer dress that shows way too much cleavage to get a discount on 4 garden stakes for the tomato plants at the hardware store. *lol* I also picked up a manual cultivator tool, a little shovel I found on clearance (because having an extra meant more people could help plant), and 2 bags of organic soil.

We got home and found Hubs with the hoe in the garden (the makings of a perfect rim-shot-worthy joke there!). He'd finished much of the largest patch and the boys and I rushed over to help finish up that patch and start the small patch on the other side of the creek. I have no clue how long we were out there. Probably two hours. We cultivated the soil manually and got all our plants in the ground and watered before the sun went down. Feels so good to have that done. The boys then stayed out a little longer planting some flowers I had bought them at Walmart. I'll have to take pics tonight. They each dug up one patch of soil on either side of our crazy rose bush and planted all their flowers and flower seeds in their own little patch. :)

So my exercise for this weekend was completely organic. I came in from gardening yesterday and had lost 2 pounds in one day! *lol* Of course, I'm sure most of that was dehydration, but I was SUPER hungry after, so I know I really put in a great workout. My body is a little sore today too. And my food? It included eating when I was hungry and stopping when I was full, for the most part.

The plan for the week looks thrown together and I've accepted that these are just guidelines. If the weather is right, I won't want to be in the gym pounding the weights...I'll want to be outside playing with my boys - especially considering I have short days this week(we had a holiday yesterday so my 4-day-week only includes 8-hour days instead of 10-hour days. I get off at 4:30pm this week instead of 6pm!!)

Tuesday -
emoticon Lunch-time Yoga (at least 15-20 mins)
emoticon R-Mac Day 3 - Shoulders & Abs
emoticon Running - with at least one 1/2 mile jogging segment, 2 miles total

Wednesday -
emoticon Lunch-time Yoga (at least 15 minutes)
emoticon R-Mac Day 4 - Lower Body
No Cardio. Check garden. Bath/mani/pedi night.

Thursday -
emoticon Lunch-time walk (at least 20 minutes)
emoticon R-Mac Day 1 - Back & Biceps

Friday -
emoticon Lunch-time walk (at least 20 minutes)
emoticon Boxing stint (at least 10 minutes)
emoticon Stair stepper (at least 10-15 minutes)
emoticon Elliptical (yes, I know that's a bike, not an elliptical *lol*) (at least 15 mins)

Saturday -
emoticon Running at gym or track, at least 2 miles total, at least 1/2 a mile jogging stint - try to increase jogging stints, even if just by a few steps or a .10 of a mile
emoticon R-Mac Day 2 - Chest & Triceps
emoticon Weed garden
emoticon Tennis?
emoticon Swimming?

Sunday -
Coupon and brunch routine with the boys
Coupon clipping
Shopping for the week

Hope you all had a great weekend! I've got my plan, but I can't promise I'll be around much. I need to not feel the pressure I put on myself all the time. I need more "freedom" time. I need to see if I can put 2 and 2 together on my own. If I start coming up with 15 or something, I'll come back and use the tracker again, but until then, I might log, I might not. Doing is more important than logging what I do. I gotta work on the doing.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SASSAGAIN 6/1/2011 6:53AM

    what a wonderful weekend you had!

family and friends and saving on shopping, swimming, gardening!! wow wow wow!

your week sounds lovely, too! have a great week!

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TEAM-SARAH 5/31/2011 4:08PM

    Sounds like a really nice family weekend! It's so great that you are all involved in the gardening. I'm sure it'll be really rewarding and fun when it all starts to grow. Have a great week, you've got an awesome plan! I always do the same... make plans but they changed based on the weather/mood/energy!

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ERIN1128 5/31/2011 2:22PM

    Sounds like things are going well, good for you!

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HEAVENSSHADOW 5/31/2011 10:56AM

    ---- " I need to see if I can put 2 and 2 together on my own. If I start coming up with 15 or something, I'll come back and use the tracker again, but until then, I might log, I might not. Doing is more important than logging what I do. I gotta work on the doing." ----

You know, my thoughts exactly for the week/month of June. I've been MIA a lot since my 5K the first week of May....been in a slump that I'm trying to define. Not quite sure yet, but hopefully blogging about it today will help.
You are AWESOMEm, Esther. Keep it up! I envy your garden!!!
Need to get started on mine ASAP!

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CINSROAD2HEALTH 5/31/2011 9:51AM

    You inspire me to be a better coupon clipper! Have a great week!

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 5/31/2011 9:37AM

    So glad that you had a great weekend with the fam. Love the fact that you got your garden planted with help from the family and that you have some "me" time scheduled along with all the other workout varieties you got planned.

Have a fabulous week!

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