Wednesday, June 08, 2011
So yesterday was a mess. All I could focus on was my baby and making sure he made it through sugery okay.
Hubs surprised me that morning when he stated, "I'm coming with you. I HAVE to go." It was a nice surprise. I needed him there, but I didn't want to ask him to go. First of all, he's not all that great with medical stuff and I didn't want to have to carry him out to the car when he got woozy from the thought of blood and needles. Second of all, his schedule is not normally one that lends to him being anywhere but bed before noon. And, finally, I only took yesterday off work to care for Ethan so he'd be on duty for the following recovery days and we try to spread out the responsibility when stuff like this happens.
Thank goodness he was there, though! I went back with Ethan when they took him back around 8:40am. (His appointment was at 8:15am and we arrived at 8am so I'd already been stressing for a bit.) I must tell you, watching your son fight the medically induced sleep is not a fun thing. I could tell he was nervous though he was trying to act brave. They gave me a bunch of instructions and started talking about how he might bite himself after surgery because he'd be numb and how to care for him for the next few days. I was quiet and when they told me it was time to leave, I kissed him on the arm and told him I loved him and then barely made it to the waiting room door before the tears started.
Hubs held me for several minutes as the tears flowed. I couldn't hold it in any longer. After bawling my eyes out, I settled myself and started counting down every minute. They said that it would take 30 minutes so I paced, my leg shook, I shook, and I asked Hubs just about every minute "What time is it now?" Finally, about halfway through he told me to take a walk outside and calm myself. Then he handed me my iPhone and told me to distract myself. Thirty minutes later, they called us back and told us it had gone well.
Ethan had gauze in his mouth and he was just crying. They told us it was normal - confusion and such after waking up. I wanted to grab him and run from the room. They gave us the tooth they removed and explained after care yet again. I had said hello to Ethan when I got in the room and kissed him on the forehead but he just sat there crying and groaning as I stroked his arm and hair and told him it would be alright. It wasn't until we stood him up to walk him out to the car that he looked up, recognized me, and his eyes got real big and he tried to smile. It was that old familiar, "Mommy!!" look and I just about cried.
For about an hour following surgery and all the way out to the car and the way home he was a mean, angry, grumpy brute. He didn't know why he couldn't take out the gauze yet. He didn't want to eat any of the choices they had given him for his after meal - mashed potatoes, mac-n-cheese, pudding, yogurt. He just groaned and said he didn't need any help and growled at me and gave me those evil "I hate you right now" looks he's become famous for. I knew it was the drugs talking, but it hurt. I tried to distract him. I finally got forceful and told him he WOULD eat what I gave him and he would do what I told him because that's what needed to happen for him to get better.
By the time the mac-n-cheese was done, he was better, happier, and HUNGRY. He ate 2 half bowls (unknown of for him to eat that much in one sitting) and then went to sleep on the couch. When his brother got home a bit later, he woke up for a bit, said hello, asked how his day was, and then fell back asleep.
I needed a break. I cleared it with Hubs and then took Logan out to the Redbox for some movies and then to Rite-Aid for some retail therapy with my coupons. (Got 46 bucks worth of stuff for 12 dollars!) Of course, while we were in Rite-Aid a freak storm moved in and the electricity went out and we had to wait for it to come back on to check out. We went back to the house, watched Just Go With It with Ethan and that's when Ethan started whining about wanting Taco Bell (which is what he originally wanted when he got out of surgery and I told him no but promised he'd get some later).
Halfway through the movie, I gave in. Ethan wanted to go with me so we left Logan and Hubs at home and drove to the next town over to get him his Taco Bell. Of course, the town we chose (we live between 2, each with a Taco Bell) had no power due to the freak storm. *sigh* Ethan really wanted his Taco Bell and he did NOT want to give in (and I didn't want to give in either, I had promised my sick boy a soft taco and I was going to get him one). A 15 minute drive later we were in the OTHER town, which had power (the one I had been in the Rite-Aid in whose power went out but came right back on a couple minutes later) and I bought Ethan his THREE burritos! (WTF?! *lol*)
He's doing much better now. I called him around 9:20am and he said he'd had some pain in the morning but took his medicine after breakfast and felt better. He actually sounded happy! *lol* He's at home, playing video games with his brother. And me? I don't know. I'm alright. I'm glad we made it through this but I was a wreck yesterday and being here at work makes me just want to be there, checking on him, making sure he's not hurting, tired, bored, etc. Hubs is there, I know that. As is his almost 12-year-old and very responsible brother. They're both looking after him, but I just feel like I should be there. I'm considering leaving a few hours early today, hitting the gym early, and then maybe taking him to the park for a walk, just to get him out of the house. I know he doesn't like being cooped-up inside all the time, so he's going to get bored sooner or later, and I don't want Hubs or brother to let him play too hard and have him get hurt.
Easy enough to tell that my eating was crap yesterday and I didn't care until the stomach pains came last night. McDonald's for breakfast, mac-n-cheese, then Taco Bell and finally some hot dogs? This is my old diet, and my new stomach does not like my old diet. I might have one of those things in a day these days, but never all of them in one day.
So this morning I woke up with a clearer head. I hopped on the scale and saw 323 and knew where my damage had been. (DUH!) And I didn't chide myself for it either. Yesterday was rough. The past few months have been rough. People not coming through. My kid going for surgery. Dentist appointments with the boys where both have been through pain and torture. Knowing that eventually I'll have to go sometime and get these teeth pulled. Adjusting to the high temps and humidity of an early summer. It's just been crazy. I've been in a crazy mess.
So when I woke up this morning with that clear head, I decided that the past is the past and my future is ahead of me. Today is day one. Today I weigh 323 pounds, and I will not weigh myself again until my regular weigh-in day (though I haven't decided whether to move that to Wednesday now or keep it on Sunday - I think moving the day might help me get my head around making this another fresh start). I came in to work and, since our network was down for a couple hours, spent my time with my calendar, not penciling things in, but putting them down in blue pen. This is for sure. I'm working this.
Wed (6/8) - C25k W3D1 and ST
Thu (6/9) - Zumba
Fri (6/10) - C25k W3D2 and ST, trip to Ohio with AM and the boys
Sat (6/11) - 30DS L1D1 (after returning from Ohio)
Sun (6/12) - 30DS L1D2, garden maintenance, cleaning, couponing, and a BBQ at a friend's house at 4pm
Mon (6/13) - C25k W3D3 and ST
Tue (6/14) - Zumba
Wed (6/15) - C25k W4D1 and ST
I'm going to look for either new running shoes this week or at least get new inserts for my shoes. I'm going back to C25k again, which might be a mistake, but I refuse to view it that way. I can't let myself see that program and think "Failure!" I'll do what I can, but I need the routine of it. I'm going to fit in Yoga every day for at least 10-15 minutes in my office or at home. I'm going to work on new poses (on Monday I added Half Locust Pose, which is supposed to be great for back recovery and alignment).
Oh, and the beach vacation is out for sure. Our friends, apparently, HATE Myrtle Beach, so we'll just have to cherish it more next year when we can really afford to go. Instead, that long weekend, we'll be back at Old Man's Cave reliving our hike from last year.
Races I'll be signing up for:
7/17 - Beerathlon 5k in Columbus, OH (which I'm making Hubs do with me)
7/31 - Ohio State Fair 5k in Columbus, OH (hold significant meaning to me)
8/6 - Debbie Green Memorial 5k in Wheeling, WV (again, significant)
9/4 - Emerald City Quarter Marathon in Dublin, OH
8/27 - 5k in Wheeling with Local Sparkie
9/17 - Air Force HM in Dayton, OH
9/25 - State-to-State HM & 5k in Oxford, OH
And along with this schedule, I'll be starting back at Day 1 with my eating. What's gone is gone. I'm working my calorie counts and getting my water in and doing the best I can. This week I will be logging everything - good, bad, and ugly. Next week I'll try to make the small changes of step 1 to alter my diet back to when I was at my peak in this "losing" game.
The goal for this week is to get back under 320 if possible.
1. Sarah's Wedding on 7/23/11
2. Christina's Wedding on 8/6/11
3. Because I AM a runner
4. To have yet another reason to STOP SMOKING
5. Because I want runner's legs
6. TWENTY-THREE pounds from being under 300!
7. Because I can't stop here.
8. Because my tummy hates icky foods.
9. Because I'm healthier now than I have been my entire life.
10. Because I have a great support system built up - AB girls, Spark Friends, Hubs, Kids, Sister, Mom, and other Family and Friends - and even my coworkers are all pulling for me.
11. To fit into a size 22!
12. To collect a bunch of medals - it's all about the BLING! ;)
13. Money spent on races is much cooler than money spent on fast food.
14. To actually SAVE us money! (much less eating out!)
15. Because otherwise my gym membership goes to waste.
16. Because an old college buddy just joined up at my gym so I might have a workout buddy!
19. So one day Hubs might be able to pick me up.
20. So the plane trip to Vegas/Utah is not horribly uncomfortable.
21. So I can wear what I want because I like it, not because it happens to fit.
22. To shock myself.
23. To shock everyone else.
24. Because I don't know the meaning of the words, "I can't."
25. Because if I could get through three years of full-time work, plus a part-time job, plus full-time schooling, and maintain and improve myself in all three, then I KNOW I can do this. I am strong, capable, and focused. Determination is key. Time to refocus and get back to living how I know I want to live.
26. Finally, because I'm not yet the woman I want to be...but I'm certainly working on it.
Sunday, June 05, 2011
Weight last week: 316.6
Weight this week: 318.0
*bangs head on desk repeatedly*
So, yes, my weight has been up all week. I've been avoiding the gym like the plague, which even GOGO noticed, doesn't mean I avoid working out. I saw 317 again yesterday morning (I'd been seeing 320 all week) so I went out for my run hopeful.
The run didn't go all that well. I walked 2 laps, ran 1, walked another 2, ran 1, and then walked the rest of my 2 miles. My legs feel like they're carrying and landing on bricks so I'm pretty sure I either need new shoes or new inserts (I'll try inserts first, much cheaper). I've had these shoes since January and even though I haven't been able to run much in that time, I've still put quite a few miles on them, including walk/running the Get Lucky 7k in March. So, yeah, maybe it's time for new shoes. Of course, my bank account doesn't necessarily agree. :/
After spending 35 minutes doing 2 miles (which actually isn't an awful time for me knowing that I'm returning from an injury and almost back to my race pace for my training walk/runs) and doing some yoga stretches, the boys and I headed over to a local strawberry patch and picked strawberries for an hour. It was there I realized that there was some pain/pulling in my right butt muscle. Plus, my back hurt. I would've liked to have picked more but I came away with a good haul anyhow and hope to turn them into some jam today.
So I worked out for almost 2 hours yesterday morning. And I gained a little over a pound. Go figure!
Still, I keep noticing myself in mirrors and such and in pictures and thinking - Hrm, I LOOK smaller, at least.
Oh, and here's my newest yoga move. Takes some support to get into the pose, so I'm still working on that and I can't hold it for long, which I'm also working on, but I'm pretty darn proud of it just the same.
So, yeah. I'm still going and trying and doing...and I'm still stuck in this stupid "I won't give you your 100 pounds lost" battle with Mr. Scale. We're not the best of friends right now...let's hope by Monday or Tuesday he sees it my way.
Saturday, June 04, 2011
"As I understand yoga, it is the practice of meeting ourselves wherever we are. That means meeting ourselves, with courage and compassion, even when we are in a place of fear or anger or sadness. Rather than transcending our fears, it means meeting them. It means going through, rather than around, our fears and it means being able to look at ourselves, just as we are, with acceptance and love."
I'm going to go get ready for my run, which I will follow, once again, with some yoga stretches.
Thursday, June 02, 2011
So I'm getting my inspiration for June from:
A) My Spark Friends that never let me fall too low before dragging me back up.
B) "Uncharted" by Sara Bareilles
C) The never-ending desire to see POUNDS LOST on the scale - FO REALZ, YO!
I have literally spent the past week trying to figure out my June plan and finding myself feeling lost. Where do I go now? I'm not exactly injured anymore and I know how to keep up on my therapy on my back. I have been released for full exercise again. So what's holding me back? Oh, yeah....fear. Nasty little "F" word.
The truth came to me in pieces.
This morning on the way to work, this song popped up on my iPhone. I knew I would like this song the minute I downloaded the album and listened to it for the first time, but it's taking on a whole different meaning now.
My tears won't make any room for more,
And it don't hurt,
like anything I've ever felt before,
This is no broken heart,
No familiar scars,
This territory goes uncharted..."
It's true. First of all, this injury hit me and ...well, it's like I didn't know what hit me. I've always been "unable" - at least most of my life I've viewed myself that way. I was the fat girl, the funny girl - I was NOT the athlete. And, for as long as I can remember, no one even asked it of me. In school when we did President's Day challenges, they encouraged me to cheat and just cheered that I had even tried. My gym teachers automatically provided runners for me in softball and kickball. It was just accepted that I was fat and couldn't move and they shouldn't make me "feel bad" by forcing me to try. Sad, right?
This past year I've discovered this highly athletic side of myself...a side that I gave in and hid because no one seemed to want to see it. Truth is, I've always had an interest in playing sports and competing athletically. Why else did I spend hours reading about sports, dreaming of doing them, watching them on TV. Maybe...perhaps... (Ah-HA moment incoming!) I was an athlete all along - I just never got to show myself that side of me. But this past year I stopped letting my weight be my excuse. It was the excuse others gave me as I grew up, and I accepted it because I didn't think fighting would help -- I told myself I would probably suck at anything I tried anyhow. But, no, last year I said, "No more! Do not let their justifications become your lifelong excuses!"
I've always wondered why I wasn't what they thought I was. When I was 14 or so my family joined a gym. Everyone hated going after a while but me. I loved it. I absolutely 100% thrilled in it. And while they stuck to the bike and treadmill, I wanted to lift weights and I had some uncanny love for the stairstepper and rowing machines. For some reason, though, I never took that feeling into account - I figured I was just a freak, I was fooling myself. No one LOVES the stairstepper! Everyone lasts about 5 minutes on the rowing machine and they loathe it! No one ROWS for fun! I never considered there was any different way to think - I just considered myself a freak.
So, my point (and, yes, I'm coming to it) is that last year I finally started to accept myself as an athletic person. And I was having a blast discovering that side of myself. And then I got hurt - and the excuses came back as my inability to do what I was doing before faded because my body was a little messed up. Not one doctor I saw told me "this happened because you're fat" but I told myself that over and over and over again. And I began, once again, to loathe myself. I told myself I was a joke. I wasn't an athlete. I was a fat, lazy 320 pound woman who had been fooling herself for a little while. It broke more than my spirit and heart - it broke my drive and motivation to do anything more or dream again.
In a room sunk down in a house in a town
And I don't breathe
Though I never meant to let it get away from me
Now I have too much to hold
Everybody has to get their hands on gold
And I want - uncharted.
Stuck under the ceiling I made, I can't help but feeling...
I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out, of foolproof ideas, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted..."
And that's kinda how I'm feeling about June. It's why I couldn't make a plan. I feel like this is "crash and burn" time - "all or nothing" - even though I've always told myself not to be that way. I NEED to be that way right now. And I need the flexibility of a plan that can change and morph and change shape because I have NO CLUE what my body's ready for. I've convinced myself that I'll fail everytime I try C25k because both times have ended in injury. I've convinced myself that I can't do what I did before because it made me hurt. But no doctor told me that -- it's the ceiling I've build for myself.
So, yeah, I'm out of foolproof ideas. I have no guarantee that whatever I try this month will work - but I have to try to do something. I have to be willing to fail and adjust. I have to learn to let my body lead me. I can make all the plans in the world, but I have to recognize where the threshold is and when it's okay to push it and when I should back off.
Too long I've looked to others for guidance. And I lost 150 pounds that way, so it's not a bad way to go, but what I'm experiencing now feels so new, so different, and I feel like *I* need to figure this thing out for myself instead of following every plan that's given to me. I need to set my own rules and make my own way instead of following everyone else. It's time for me to blaze the trail and make my own path.
I'm countin' up the minutes 'til I get alone
'Cause I can't stay
In the middle of it all, it's nobody's fault
But I'm so low
Never knew how much I didn't know
And everything is uncharted.
I know I'm getting nowhere
When I only sit and stare..."
So, yes. I've felt broken for a while now. It's really nobody's fault. This has been some serious business, this getting to know yourself. When you're fat and people make excuses and assumptions and you eventually come to believe them, you let go of who you really are and take up who they think you are and then you're completely lost. And coming out of that drunken stupor of my life in the past year has been a crazy experience. I feel like I don't know myself. I feel like no one understands. I feel lonely and alone and it's not everyone's fault that I'm changing and becoming a different person from the person they got to know upfront. I'm lucky they've stuck it out as long as they have, but I can't sit here and continue to pretend that I am what they thought I was. It's not that I'm becoming a new person, it's that I'm allowing myself to be myself again...something I haven't done since childhood.
"Jump start my kaleidoscope heart,
Love to watch the colors fade,
They may not make sense,
But they sure as hell made me.
I won't go as a passenger, no
Waiting for the road to be laid
Though I may be going down,
I'm taking flame over burning out
Compare, where you are to where you want to be, and you'll get nowhere"
And that's what I want for June. I'm going to give myself the electric shock that my heart needs to restart. I need to remind myself that it is OKAY that I'm discovering myself - the good and the bad. There are parts of myself I thought would pass away, the parts I didn't want, but some of them are a part of me --- AND THAT IS OKAY.
One thing I've learned, though, is that waiting for others to point me in the right direction leaves me sitting in a dark corner waiting forever. I need to forge ahead on my own and allow myself to make the mistakes I'm going to make - whatever they may be. Each day I stumble is a day I get closer to stable footing. Every mistake a lesson learned. And I'm not putting myself on a time limit.
June is about letting go, letting be, and letting myself become.
Some things I might like to do this month:
* I want to get better at Yoga. I want to incorporate at least 1 new "advanced" move a week, even if I can't even really do it - just to try.
* I'm going back to C25k. Going to try to start around week 3.
* I just bought myself a ticket to the Sara Bareilles/Sugarland concert on June 16th. Note - I bought MYSELF a ticket. There were only singles left so this was a good excuse to let myself be alone and allow myself this treat for myself, to myself, as repayment for all the hours of work I've put in.
* I want to keep up my ST at LEAST 3 days a week, shooting for 4.
* I want to get at least 30 minutes of exercise every single day this month (except yesterday, because I cannot change the past).
* I'm going back to Zumba and want to do it 2x a week as soon as my instructor returns from vacation next week. I should end up with 5 full classes before the month is out. (minus a week for a possible vacation and the night of my concert).
* And, if I do end up at the beach, I want to run barefoot on the sand. I've always wanted to know what that felt like and even if I have to wait until late or get up super early, I want to give myself the reward of living that dream - even if I only make it 10 steps before collapsing!
* I'm going back to healthy meals at home. No eating out any more than 2 times a week. 4 times on vacation.
* And, finally, get back to 4-7 fresh freggies every day. Not this "there's fruit in my yogurt" and "there was lettuce on my burger" BS. REAL fruit and REAL veggies.
* I want to row on the lake at least once or twice and I'd like to take at least one more hike.
Wish me luck! I have no clue what's on this corner of the map, but I'm ready to start exploring.
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
Weight at beginning of May: 323.2
Weight this morning: 319.2
I saw 315-317 the past couple days, and I think the weight today is from 1:
- Second full week of TOM (going into week 3)
- Lots of ST last night which has my abs and shoulders SORE!
- Not enough water yesterday
- Oh, and not one, but TWO candy bars as a snack *face/palm*
Yep. I was stupid and had candy bars as snacks yesterday. IDIOT! Of course when I went to run my 2 miles after my elliptical warm-up and shoulders/abs ST, I was out of gas. I was hungry as soon as I walked in the door. When I exercise, though, that hunger goes away, but I feel the other symptoms of not fueling right = a bad experience trying to run. Even trying to squeak out 1/4 of a mile at ANY time during the ONE mile I was able to manage was nearly impossible. I was able to get up to a 5.0 speed for a bit, but I couldn't sustain anything for very long. Even my walk segments were super slow as I tried to recover. Yes, yes...I know - fuel well before a run or you'll have nothing left in the tank. *sigh*
So May went a little like this:
* give up
* start again
* give up
* start again
* etc, etc, etc.
Still, while looking over my May goals, I think I did relatively well.
- I did my PT exercises religiously. Am still doing them though I have let it slide a day or two here or there.
- I gave that 12-week program a good run, but it was killing me, so I let it go and picked up another program to follow.
- I made adjustments for my injuries. I did the best I could and worked with what I had. I never understood how devastating it can be to be stripped of the exercises you love and have to deal with the anger and sadness that wells up inside of you. You have all these hopes and dreams and plans and goals and you've got this motivation behind you to achieve what you've set out to do and then you're trapped inside a wall, unable to move, and you see your dreams fall from your grasp and you realize you cannot do or be what you wanted to do or be....at least not right now (and, in that moment, it feels like a life sentence instead of temporary purgatory). May was the month I tried to pull myself out of the hole and worked on forgiving myself and my body for not being ready to tackle what I wanted to do. My body still needs to catch up to my mind, or my mind needs to slow down and realize that I still weigh over 300 pounds even if I feel like it's 150 right now. I feel fit and ready and able to tackle anything, but, if pushed too hard, my body reminds me that were I am physically is not where I am mentally.
- I drank my water. It is now not uncommon for me to drink 120 ounces of water in a day. I crave it, and with summer coming, I only expect that to go up. Of course, at the end of May I allowed more pop back into my life, but my 12 pack is almost gone and I won't be replacing it with more any time soon.
- As far as eating "clean" went? Well, that didn't go so great. I've been all over the place this month - from strict "dieting" to eating whatever I wanted, even including one major binge session the likes of which I hadn't seen in almost a year. It's been a tough month, but I think my mind is starting to heal itself again and I hope that will translate onto the plate. Adjustments will need to be made and I'm trying to ease my way into them.
- I've been taking glucosamine somewhat regularly. I'm not sure how good it's been doing, but it doesn't seem to be hurting.
- I never got my boxing instructor to call me back. I think I either need to switch gears or call him up and complain until he frees a spot up for me. I miss my once-a-month boxing lessons. At my last session it was hurting my injury a bit, so maybe I needed the time off to heal, but now I'm ready to go again.
What I haven't done yet:
- Register family for the Debbie Green 5k. I'll get that done this month. Gotta get the cash together first.
- I let my bathtime slide for other things. I need to bring these back because they help to mentally settle me. Not sure how well this will work out now, though because the bugs have invaded our house already and they drive me a little batty (and they love the dampness of the bathroom). *sigh*
As far as inches lost?
I gained an inch in my waist and hips. *face/palm*
My upper arms and thighs pretty much stayed the same.
My calves shrunk a couple inches and I lost 1/4 of an inch on my neck.
SINCE MARCH. *face/palm*
Okay, so here's the deal.
This is not where I thought I would be right now.
My mind is a mess. I need a vacation. I'm mentally pushing everyone away. I'm mentally in a mind suck which includes thoughts of self-loathing and not feeling worthy.
I am, however, fighting against all this and trying to convince myself that even though things don't seem to be moving, if I just keep with it something will have to budge eventually.
But considering the lack of progress I've had since January...well, things aren't going so well inside this old head of mine. I've never seen a plateau like this one - and, yes, I call it that because I've been pushing myself like mad and keep fighting the same 10-20 pounds as they hold on for dear life. It FEELS like a plateau, so I'm calling it that. So shoot me!
On January 2, 2011 I weighed: 332.6 pounds
Today I weigh: 319.2 pounds
So in 5 months, I've lost a total of 13.4 pounds, or about 2.68 pounds a month.
And that makes me incredibly sad.
I know what you're going to say. "Hey! At least you're losing!" 2.68 pounds a month? I still have over 80 pounds to lose! EIGHTY POUNDS! That means, at this rate, it's going to be 32 months of fighting to get to my first goal (where, we hope) I will be around 30% body fat. THIRTY TWO MONTHS!!!! That's almost THREE YEARS!
So, yes. It feels daunting and evil and I don't know what I'm going to do with all this information.
It's time to reassess and get my butt back to losing 8 pounds a month. I've got to figure out how to make this work again. That's my current goal for June. MAKE THIS WORK AGAIN. I don't want to be fighting myself for the next 3 years. I don't want to lose so slow that it breaks my heart.
No more broken hearts. It's time for a breakthrough!
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