Thursday, June 02, 2011
So I'm getting my inspiration for June from:
A) My Spark Friends that never let me fall too low before dragging me back up.
B) "Uncharted" by Sara Bareilles
C) The never-ending desire to see POUNDS LOST on the scale - FO REALZ, YO!
I have literally spent the past week trying to figure out my June plan and finding myself feeling lost. Where do I go now? I'm not exactly injured anymore and I know how to keep up on my therapy on my back. I have been released for full exercise again. So what's holding me back? Oh, yeah....fear. Nasty little "F" word.
The truth came to me in pieces.
This morning on the way to work, this song popped up on my iPhone. I knew I would like this song the minute I downloaded the album and listened to it for the first time, but it's taking on a whole different meaning now.
My tears won't make any room for more,
And it don't hurt,
like anything I've ever felt before,
This is no broken heart,
No familiar scars,
This territory goes uncharted..."
It's true. First of all, this injury hit me and ...well, it's like I didn't know what hit me. I've always been "unable" - at least most of my life I've viewed myself that way. I was the fat girl, the funny girl - I was NOT the athlete. And, for as long as I can remember, no one even asked it of me. In school when we did President's Day challenges, they encouraged me to cheat and just cheered that I had even tried. My gym teachers automatically provided runners for me in softball and kickball. It was just accepted that I was fat and couldn't move and they shouldn't make me "feel bad" by forcing me to try. Sad, right?
This past year I've discovered this highly athletic side of myself...a side that I gave in and hid because no one seemed to want to see it. Truth is, I've always had an interest in playing sports and competing athletically. Why else did I spend hours reading about sports, dreaming of doing them, watching them on TV. Maybe...perhaps... (Ah-HA moment incoming!) I was an athlete all along - I just never got to show myself that side of me. But this past year I stopped letting my weight be my excuse. It was the excuse others gave me as I grew up, and I accepted it because I didn't think fighting would help -- I told myself I would probably suck at anything I tried anyhow. But, no, last year I said, "No more! Do not let their justifications become your lifelong excuses!"
I've always wondered why I wasn't what they thought I was. When I was 14 or so my family joined a gym. Everyone hated going after a while but me. I loved it. I absolutely 100% thrilled in it. And while they stuck to the bike and treadmill, I wanted to lift weights and I had some uncanny love for the stairstepper and rowing machines. For some reason, though, I never took that feeling into account - I figured I was just a freak, I was fooling myself. No one LOVES the stairstepper! Everyone lasts about 5 minutes on the rowing machine and they loathe it! No one ROWS for fun! I never considered there was any different way to think - I just considered myself a freak.
So, my point (and, yes, I'm coming to it) is that last year I finally started to accept myself as an athletic person. And I was having a blast discovering that side of myself. And then I got hurt - and the excuses came back as my inability to do what I was doing before faded because my body was a little messed up. Not one doctor I saw told me "this happened because you're fat" but I told myself that over and over and over again. And I began, once again, to loathe myself. I told myself I was a joke. I wasn't an athlete. I was a fat, lazy 320 pound woman who had been fooling herself for a little while. It broke more than my spirit and heart - it broke my drive and motivation to do anything more or dream again.
In a room sunk down in a house in a town
And I don't breathe
Though I never meant to let it get away from me
Now I have too much to hold
Everybody has to get their hands on gold
And I want - uncharted.
Stuck under the ceiling I made, I can't help but feeling...
I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out, of foolproof ideas, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted..."
And that's kinda how I'm feeling about June. It's why I couldn't make a plan. I feel like this is "crash and burn" time - "all or nothing" - even though I've always told myself not to be that way. I NEED to be that way right now. And I need the flexibility of a plan that can change and morph and change shape because I have NO CLUE what my body's ready for. I've convinced myself that I'll fail everytime I try C25k because both times have ended in injury. I've convinced myself that I can't do what I did before because it made me hurt. But no doctor told me that -- it's the ceiling I've build for myself.
So, yeah, I'm out of foolproof ideas. I have no guarantee that whatever I try this month will work - but I have to try to do something. I have to be willing to fail and adjust. I have to learn to let my body lead me. I can make all the plans in the world, but I have to recognize where the threshold is and when it's okay to push it and when I should back off.
Too long I've looked to others for guidance. And I lost 150 pounds that way, so it's not a bad way to go, but what I'm experiencing now feels so new, so different, and I feel like *I* need to figure this thing out for myself instead of following every plan that's given to me. I need to set my own rules and make my own way instead of following everyone else. It's time for me to blaze the trail and make my own path.
I'm countin' up the minutes 'til I get alone
'Cause I can't stay
In the middle of it all, it's nobody's fault
But I'm so low
Never knew how much I didn't know
And everything is uncharted.
I know I'm getting nowhere
When I only sit and stare..."
So, yes. I've felt broken for a while now. It's really nobody's fault. This has been some serious business, this getting to know yourself. When you're fat and people make excuses and assumptions and you eventually come to believe them, you let go of who you really are and take up who they think you are and then you're completely lost. And coming out of that drunken stupor of my life in the past year has been a crazy experience. I feel like I don't know myself. I feel like no one understands. I feel lonely and alone and it's not everyone's fault that I'm changing and becoming a different person from the person they got to know upfront. I'm lucky they've stuck it out as long as they have, but I can't sit here and continue to pretend that I am what they thought I was. It's not that I'm becoming a new person, it's that I'm allowing myself to be myself again...something I haven't done since childhood.
"Jump start my kaleidoscope heart,
Love to watch the colors fade,
They may not make sense,
But they sure as hell made me.
I won't go as a passenger, no
Waiting for the road to be laid
Though I may be going down,
I'm taking flame over burning out
Compare, where you are to where you want to be, and you'll get nowhere"
And that's what I want for June. I'm going to give myself the electric shock that my heart needs to restart. I need to remind myself that it is OKAY that I'm discovering myself - the good and the bad. There are parts of myself I thought would pass away, the parts I didn't want, but some of them are a part of me --- AND THAT IS OKAY.
One thing I've learned, though, is that waiting for others to point me in the right direction leaves me sitting in a dark corner waiting forever. I need to forge ahead on my own and allow myself to make the mistakes I'm going to make - whatever they may be. Each day I stumble is a day I get closer to stable footing. Every mistake a lesson learned. And I'm not putting myself on a time limit.
June is about letting go, letting be, and letting myself become.
Some things I might like to do this month:
* I want to get better at Yoga. I want to incorporate at least 1 new "advanced" move a week, even if I can't even really do it - just to try.
* I'm going back to C25k. Going to try to start around week 3.
* I just bought myself a ticket to the Sara Bareilles/Sugarland concert on June 16th. Note - I bought MYSELF a ticket. There were only singles left so this was a good excuse to let myself be alone and allow myself this treat for myself, to myself, as repayment for all the hours of work I've put in.
* I want to keep up my ST at LEAST 3 days a week, shooting for 4.
* I want to get at least 30 minutes of exercise every single day this month (except yesterday, because I cannot change the past).
* I'm going back to Zumba and want to do it 2x a week as soon as my instructor returns from vacation next week. I should end up with 5 full classes before the month is out. (minus a week for a possible vacation and the night of my concert).
* And, if I do end up at the beach, I want to run barefoot on the sand. I've always wanted to know what that felt like and even if I have to wait until late or get up super early, I want to give myself the reward of living that dream - even if I only make it 10 steps before collapsing!
* I'm going back to healthy meals at home. No eating out any more than 2 times a week. 4 times on vacation.
* And, finally, get back to 4-7 fresh freggies every day. Not this "there's fruit in my yogurt" and "there was lettuce on my burger" BS. REAL fruit and REAL veggies.
* I want to row on the lake at least once or twice and I'd like to take at least one more hike.
Wish me luck! I have no clue what's on this corner of the map, but I'm ready to start exploring.
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
Weight at beginning of May: 323.2
Weight this morning: 319.2
I saw 315-317 the past couple days, and I think the weight today is from 1:
- Second full week of TOM (going into week 3)
- Lots of ST last night which has my abs and shoulders SORE!
- Not enough water yesterday
- Oh, and not one, but TWO candy bars as a snack *face/palm*
Yep. I was stupid and had candy bars as snacks yesterday. IDIOT! Of course when I went to run my 2 miles after my elliptical warm-up and shoulders/abs ST, I was out of gas. I was hungry as soon as I walked in the door. When I exercise, though, that hunger goes away, but I feel the other symptoms of not fueling right = a bad experience trying to run. Even trying to squeak out 1/4 of a mile at ANY time during the ONE mile I was able to manage was nearly impossible. I was able to get up to a 5.0 speed for a bit, but I couldn't sustain anything for very long. Even my walk segments were super slow as I tried to recover. Yes, yes...I know - fuel well before a run or you'll have nothing left in the tank. *sigh*
So May went a little like this:
* give up
* start again
* give up
* start again
* etc, etc, etc.
Still, while looking over my May goals, I think I did relatively well.
- I did my PT exercises religiously. Am still doing them though I have let it slide a day or two here or there.
- I gave that 12-week program a good run, but it was killing me, so I let it go and picked up another program to follow.
- I made adjustments for my injuries. I did the best I could and worked with what I had. I never understood how devastating it can be to be stripped of the exercises you love and have to deal with the anger and sadness that wells up inside of you. You have all these hopes and dreams and plans and goals and you've got this motivation behind you to achieve what you've set out to do and then you're trapped inside a wall, unable to move, and you see your dreams fall from your grasp and you realize you cannot do or be what you wanted to do or be....at least not right now (and, in that moment, it feels like a life sentence instead of temporary purgatory). May was the month I tried to pull myself out of the hole and worked on forgiving myself and my body for not being ready to tackle what I wanted to do. My body still needs to catch up to my mind, or my mind needs to slow down and realize that I still weigh over 300 pounds even if I feel like it's 150 right now. I feel fit and ready and able to tackle anything, but, if pushed too hard, my body reminds me that were I am physically is not where I am mentally.
- I drank my water. It is now not uncommon for me to drink 120 ounces of water in a day. I crave it, and with summer coming, I only expect that to go up. Of course, at the end of May I allowed more pop back into my life, but my 12 pack is almost gone and I won't be replacing it with more any time soon.
- As far as eating "clean" went? Well, that didn't go so great. I've been all over the place this month - from strict "dieting" to eating whatever I wanted, even including one major binge session the likes of which I hadn't seen in almost a year. It's been a tough month, but I think my mind is starting to heal itself again and I hope that will translate onto the plate. Adjustments will need to be made and I'm trying to ease my way into them.
- I've been taking glucosamine somewhat regularly. I'm not sure how good it's been doing, but it doesn't seem to be hurting.
- I never got my boxing instructor to call me back. I think I either need to switch gears or call him up and complain until he frees a spot up for me. I miss my once-a-month boxing lessons. At my last session it was hurting my injury a bit, so maybe I needed the time off to heal, but now I'm ready to go again.
What I haven't done yet:
- Register family for the Debbie Green 5k. I'll get that done this month. Gotta get the cash together first.
- I let my bathtime slide for other things. I need to bring these back because they help to mentally settle me. Not sure how well this will work out now, though because the bugs have invaded our house already and they drive me a little batty (and they love the dampness of the bathroom). *sigh*
As far as inches lost?
I gained an inch in my waist and hips. *face/palm*
My upper arms and thighs pretty much stayed the same.
My calves shrunk a couple inches and I lost 1/4 of an inch on my neck.
SINCE MARCH. *face/palm*
Okay, so here's the deal.
This is not where I thought I would be right now.
My mind is a mess. I need a vacation. I'm mentally pushing everyone away. I'm mentally in a mind suck which includes thoughts of self-loathing and not feeling worthy.
I am, however, fighting against all this and trying to convince myself that even though things don't seem to be moving, if I just keep with it something will have to budge eventually.
But considering the lack of progress I've had since January...well, things aren't going so well inside this old head of mine. I've never seen a plateau like this one - and, yes, I call it that because I've been pushing myself like mad and keep fighting the same 10-20 pounds as they hold on for dear life. It FEELS like a plateau, so I'm calling it that. So shoot me!
On January 2, 2011 I weighed: 332.6 pounds
Today I weigh: 319.2 pounds
So in 5 months, I've lost a total of 13.4 pounds, or about 2.68 pounds a month.
And that makes me incredibly sad.
I know what you're going to say. "Hey! At least you're losing!" 2.68 pounds a month? I still have over 80 pounds to lose! EIGHTY POUNDS! That means, at this rate, it's going to be 32 months of fighting to get to my first goal (where, we hope) I will be around 30% body fat. THIRTY TWO MONTHS!!!! That's almost THREE YEARS!
So, yes. It feels daunting and evil and I don't know what I'm going to do with all this information.
It's time to reassess and get my butt back to losing 8 pounds a month. I've got to figure out how to make this work again. That's my current goal for June. MAKE THIS WORK AGAIN. I don't want to be fighting myself for the next 3 years. I don't want to lose so slow that it breaks my heart.
No more broken hearts. It's time for a breakthrough!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Sunday was a pretty good day. Even though I discovered that there are no coupon inserts on holidays (insert really sad face here), I decided to continue our new Sunday ritual. I took both kids, we got 1 paper (instead of 4) for the sale ads alone, and then we headed to Shoney's for a Sunday brunch. Right after we ate, we headed to Rite-Aid where I saved about 60% on my bill. My favorite find? A Revlon eyeshadow for 99 cents! (Regularly over 5 bucks!) After Rite-Aid, we hit up Walmart, but didn't really find anything there. Final stop? Kroger. Got $150 worth of groceries for $86, saving 42%. (I'm getting SO close to my goal of saving 50% or more on my grocery bill each week, I can taste it! :) )
We got home and immediately were struck by the heat inside our house. Unfortunately we don't have central A/C and our place sits in the sun most of the day until around 6pm. I told Hubs that the boys and I were planning a trip to the lake and asked him if he wanted to go. "I don't WANT to go," he said, "But I HAVE to! It's way too hot in here!" *lol* We packed up our stuff and headed off to the lake. The water was still REALLY cold, so while Hubs and I braved it at first, and I did a few laps in the lake (boy! I sucked on that! Works a whole different group of muscles than my on-ground activities! Looking forward to improvements this summer, though!) but before long, we headed back out to the beach where I read for a bit, and Hubs lounged around. Eventually we got bored and I was starting to bake in the sun (redhead = scary sunburns if I'm not careful). We pulled the boys out and headed home.
We didn't end up at home, though. We were dreading baking again, and it wasn't quite 6 yet, so we ended up at Pizza Hut. Imagine my surprise in myself when instead of chowing on a Meat Lover's Pan Pizza, I asked Hubs if he'd mind splitting a Veggie Lover's pizza with me...and imagine my further surprise when he didn't protest to thin crust. OMG! I used to hate all these veggies, but now? It was heaven! I loved it! We had fun and I didn't feel guilty eating my thin crust pizza full of onions, green peppers, tomatoes, black olives, and mushrooms! When we finally landed at home, the place had cooled down to tolerable.
Yesterday, however, we had gotten smart and given in to the weather. Hubs finally switched off the pilot light on the heaters and furnace and we set the window A/C the night before to cool down the main living area before the predicted 95 degree heat and humidity hit. Good plan! It stayed relatively comfortable in the house.
Of course, we weren't there the whole day. My MIL called us early and I called her back when I finally woke up around 11am. (Hubs and I had stayed up late the night before coloring my hair strawberry blonde -- which in my world = having slightly lighter dark red hair *face/palm*) She invited us up for a cookout and cake and ice cream for Hubs' grandfather's birthday and some homemade ice cream. While the ice cream never turned out right, and I ate a bit too much cake, and Hubs and I fought most of the time, it was still nice to see g'pa and wish him a Happy Birthday (his birthday is actually today). As we left, we took along the tomato and pepper plants my MIL had set aside for me. 8 bell pepper plants, 3 better boy tomato plants, and 1 cherry tomato plants. We dropped the plants, extra slices of cake, and the Hubs off at home and then the boys and I ran to Walmart.
Try as I might, after hitting 3 stores, I never found my zucchini plants. *pouts* I did find 1 sweet banana pepper plant, an eggplant (plant? *lol*), and a tomatillo plant. I also used my summer dress that shows way too much cleavage to get a discount on 4 garden stakes for the tomato plants at the hardware store. *lol* I also picked up a manual cultivator tool, a little shovel I found on clearance (because having an extra meant more people could help plant), and 2 bags of organic soil.
We got home and found Hubs with the hoe in the garden (the makings of a perfect rim-shot-worthy joke there!). He'd finished much of the largest patch and the boys and I rushed over to help finish up that patch and start the small patch on the other side of the creek. I have no clue how long we were out there. Probably two hours. We cultivated the soil manually and got all our plants in the ground and watered before the sun went down. Feels so good to have that done. The boys then stayed out a little longer planting some flowers I had bought them at Walmart. I'll have to take pics tonight. They each dug up one patch of soil on either side of our crazy rose bush and planted all their flowers and flower seeds in their own little patch. :)
So my exercise for this weekend was completely organic. I came in from gardening yesterday and had lost 2 pounds in one day! *lol* Of course, I'm sure most of that was dehydration, but I was SUPER hungry after, so I know I really put in a great workout. My body is a little sore today too. And my food? It included eating when I was hungry and stopping when I was full, for the most part.
The plan for the week looks thrown together and I've accepted that these are just guidelines. If the weather is right, I won't want to be in the gym pounding the weights...I'll want to be outside playing with my boys - especially considering I have short days this week(we had a holiday yesterday so my 4-day-week only includes 8-hour days instead of 10-hour days. I get off at 4:30pm this week instead of 6pm!!)
Lunch-time Yoga (at least 15-20 mins)
R-Mac Day 3 - Shoulders & Abs
Running - with at least one 1/2 mile jogging segment, 2 miles total
Lunch-time Yoga (at least 15 minutes)
R-Mac Day 4 - Lower Body
No Cardio. Check garden. Bath/mani/pedi night.
Lunch-time walk (at least 20 minutes)
R-Mac Day 1 - Back & Biceps
Lunch-time walk (at least 20 minutes)
Boxing stint (at least 10 minutes)
Stair stepper (at least 10-15 minutes)
Elliptical (yes, I know that's a bike, not an elliptical *lol*) (at least 15 mins)
Running at gym or track, at least 2 miles total, at least 1/2 a mile jogging stint - try to increase jogging stints, even if just by a few steps or a .10 of a mile
R-Mac Day 2 - Chest & Triceps
Coupon and brunch routine with the boys
Shopping for the week
Hope you all had a great weekend! I've got my plan, but I can't promise I'll be around much. I need to not feel the pressure I put on myself all the time. I need more "freedom" time. I need to see if I can put 2 and 2 together on my own. If I start coming up with 15 or something, I'll come back and use the tracker again, but until then, I might log, I might not. Doing is more important than logging what I do. I gotta work on the doing.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Weight Last Week: 319.2
Weight This Week: 316.6
Total Loss: -2.6 pounds
So how was I successful this week? I gave in and gave up.
Thursday was a rough day. It started out great. I was on a weeklong cycle of just pushing myself, trying to beat my perfections of the previous day. I failed more often then not, but I just kept getting up and trying again. It wasn't going well. I stuck to my diet mentality most of the week, and while I'd do pretty well during the day, at night I would fall apart. I wasn't seeing the results I wanted. The scale is a cruel beast sometimes. Thursday night, I had a binge. I hated myself. I hated the diet. I hated that feeling that everyone around me had it so much easier than I did. I didn't care anymore - I just wanted to drown myself with every "bad" food I had been restricting all week...all month....for almost a year.
Friday, I woke up and said I didn't effin' care anymore. Nothing was working, so why should I try? My weight had shot up again and I felt like killing myself in the gym wasn't worth it anymore. I had lost 1/4 of an inch in my neck and was more than depressed that of all the places I wanted to lose inches, my neck wasn't really my top concern. Don't get me wrong, I was loving that I no longer had that hump of back fat. My shoulders and the back of my neck were more firm. I wasn't able to pinch large globs of fat from that area anymore. Hubs even commented on how great my neck/shoulders looked from behind as he planted a gentle kiss there. Sweet, but annoying at the same time because all I could do was look down at my huge belly and think, "So when are YOU going to go away?!"
As our last Friday together sans kids (I don't work Fridays and he works at home, so when school is in session, we get blissful free babysitting from the public school system), I decided we needed to do something. We'd all gotten up early to take my oldest to the school for his field trip to King's Island, and then mulled over the idea of going ourselves. Problem was, Hubs hadn't slept. In an effort to restructure his schedule again (used to be the job he does at home works best when we starts around noon and works late into the night, but he's making a change that will require him to get up around 7am), he had pulled an all-nighter and planned on not sleeping except for a small nap sometime during the day. We chose not to go to King's Island. I knew he'd crash after being there for an hour and would be miserable, and I didn't want him to be miserable because it would shrink the amount of fun I could have. (And he noted again that I worry too much about how others around me are feeling and how that affects my moods.)
Instead, we shipped our youngest off to school on the bus and then Hubs and I looked for local day trips we could take. It was our last chance for an adult field trip before summer starts. We settled on visiting Blenko Glass Factory, a factory here in WV that still actually mouth-blows the pretty glass creations they make. It was about an hour and 20 minutes away, so we set off with the intention of visiting the factory and then having an amazing lunch at this great Mexican restaurant that my co-workers had turned me on to during a client visit a few months back.
The glass factory was fun, except for the fact that we arrived at the same time as a group of school children. (So much for an adult field trip! *lol*) Still, I got really interested in watching the process. I've always been fascinated by taking a glob of red, glowing glass, and then using one's own air to blow and mold it into a beautiful piece of glass work. After we had seen all we had wanted to see, we dodged the kids and stood back as they filed out and onto the bus. (Yes, we made a concerted effort to ditch the kids! *lol*) We walked around the factory show room and eyed various pieces we would have loved to have purchased if we had globs of disposable income in our various bank accounts. Finally, we left and headed to the Mexican restaurant across the street. We were hungry and I was excited to show him this little hole-in-the-wall place that makes the most authentic food I've been able to find this way north of Arizona.
We arrived 4 minutes before the place opened. Hubs looked at me and said, "Okay, so what do we do until then?" I glanced down the way and saw that the antique store a few doors down was open. "Let's go antiquing!" I said. *lol* Let me just say that we are not the "antiquing" type. Mostly, I just see the stuff as old. The only "old" things that would interest me are books - first editions or signed copies - or furniture - just because I know how much better things were built and the craftsmanship that has diminished as soon as the fast-food culture took on a burst of activity. Sure, I found some old books, but no first editions or signed copies of anything I was really interested in. And Hubs and I aren't in a place right now to purchase new furniture. We just basically killed time looking through things, as I kept an eye out for hidden pieces of my mom's china collection.
It turned into a bit of a giggle fest as we kept each other laughing with jokes. The place was full of hidden holes and nooks and crannies. (If you were a serious antiquing enthusiast, it would take you forever to make sure you didn't miss a hidden gem.) It looked like part of the old building used to be a house at one point. One of those old houses with tiny hallways and small rooms. As I walked down one corner, down a hallway and took a turn I was faced with an bathroom. For some strange reason they had put peanut packing pieces in the tub along with little baby dolls. My heart stopped. It looked like something you would find in a haunted house. There was a huge doll of an old black maid or something in the corner, smiling, with all these babies "drowning" in the tub. I jumped, and then laughed at myself as I tried to catch my breath and then rushed off to find Hubs. "I've got one more thing I want to show you before we leave." I explained that it was a tight squeeze through the hallway, so I was going to let him go ahead alone. I stayed back and just watched his expression as he rounded the same corner I had, went to take a step in the room and then jumped back. *LMAO* "Good," I said between fits of laughter. "I thought I was the only one who would take it that way." We laughed about it as we rushed out of the horror house...err, I mean antique store, and down to the Mexican restaurant for a pleasant lunch.
I looked at the menu without thinking about "healthy" choices. I picked what I wanted, ate until I was full, tried a bite or two more and then looked at him and said, "Okay...it's sad that I can't finish it because it is SO good, but I'm done." He was done soon too. (Though he totally ate everything on his plate! *lol*) I have to say that this place is a wonderful gem of a place. One of Hubs and I's favorite shows to watch is Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives on Food Network. We love finding little places where the food is amazing and the service is great. This is one of those places. The salsa, you can tell, is made fresh. Hubs looked down and said, "There are bits of grass in here!" *lol* It was fresh spices, and the freshness can be seen in that the spices haven't broken down by sitting around forever. NOM!
After our adventure, he was exhausted. I drove to get myself a tea, bought myself a brownie at the decadent little hole in the wall bakery down the street from my work (another place that could fit on DDD). Coconut Isle tea with a splash of milk and one Splenda = YUM!. Add a huge brownie with chunks of chocolate pieces in it and you've got the makings of a perfect dessert. I pulled off a couple bites of brownie and then put the rest away, overwhelmed by how sweet it was.
After Ethan got home from school later, I gave him the brownie and he devoured it as only a kid can. *lol* We then set off to play tennis at the park...but the first stop was to be a visit with the exercise physiologist at the gym for our monthly meeting.
She asked how I was doing. I shrugged. "Let's get you on the scale, then we'll see how you're doing." HA! The scale? Yeah, he's going to say I suck major butt and haven't lost much weight at all for the entire year. She told me that last month I had weighed 323 pounds. I laughed to myself as she said "let's see how much you've lost" and then quickly shut up when she saw 323 on the scale appear. I almost snorted. "See?" I told myself. "All my work has been for naught. Same weight as last month." She tried to find something to say to encourage me. "Well, you didn't gain anything," she said, hopeful. "That's good." It's not good, I thought. This sucks. Then she looked at the print-out to see what else, if anything, had changed.
Imagine my surprise (and hers) when we realized that my fat mass had gone down, my fat-free mass had gone up, and my body fat % had shrunk from 51% to 49%. The previous month I had weighed the same, but had been fatter. Still, these numbers didn't do much to encourage me. "The weight on the scale doesn't matter," she told me. I interrupted her. "It DOES matter. I'm not saying that because I'm fat I have it harder than anyone else. All I mean to say is that the number on the scale determines what I can do. When the scale keeps saying 320 pounds over and over and over again, it just shows me that my life is still limited. There are things I can't do because of weight limits just because of that number on the scale." She nodded like she understood and then told me that she couldn't help me if I didn't bring my food logs in.
Whatever, I wasn't interested. I know how to eat right and how to not eat right. I explained to her that when I was PERFECT on all my low-end ranges, there was a possibility of me losing pounds, but it never lasted, and soon it shot up again. I told her that I had had a horrible binge session the night before, one the likes that I hadn't seen in almost a year and she reminded me that part of what was showing in that 323 pounds was that binge. I nodded. I know. I insisted once again that things weren't changing or getting better because my weight hadn't moved, and she tried to pull out my old print-outs to show me I was wrong...until she saw that I've been in the 320s since February. I smirked. See?! Listen to me. I've been fighting the 320s this entire year. I'm tired. I'm sick and tired of this BS, of never moving forward. Sure, it's great that my fat-free mass is getting bigger and my fat mass is going down, but that only means that my goal weight actually goes up...and each time it does I think, "So I'll always be the fat girl!" She finally looked at me and said, "This is the month, Esther. I can feel it. You're going to be in the teens next month." I shrugged and said, simply, "We'll see."
I was glad when it was finally over and Ethan and I could go out and enjoy the sunshine at the park. He and I rarely get time to spend just the two of us, and he rarely gets time to play tennis considering we only have 2 rackets right now and so the kids only get to play when either Hubs or I get tired and switch out with them. We spent 30 minutes to an hour at the park. I don't know because I didn't time it. I didn't want the pressure of doing a workout, I just wanted to live my life. We bought Long John Silver's to take home to Hubs and I ate that until I was full and then quit.
Saturday morning, I got up early. I ate breakfast like I usually do - 1/2 a bagel with 1 Tbsp. of natural peanut butter. I had a cup of coffee and then decided I was ready for my run. I went and got dressed and Ethan looked up and said, "Where are you going?" Logan was still asleep as his bus from King's Island hadn't made it in until 11pm and he stayed up another hour or so relaying the days events to Hubs and I. Hubs was still asleep as well - not unusual on any given day. (I'm not so sure how well this "resetting his clock" thing is working! *lol*) "I'm going for a run" I told Ethan. "Where?" he asked, with false innocence. *lol* I told him that I had planned to go the gym to run on the TM, but that if he wanted to run as well (he's trying to start conditioning for football), then we could go to the HS track instead. He put on his shoes and we were off.
My goal was simple - try to run 1/2 a mile. I walked one lap around the track and then took off jogging. The first 1/2 a lap was easy and felt good...and then it started to get hard. When I wound around the first loop, I thought to myself, "Please let me have this today, body. PLEASE!" I talked myself into every step, around each corner, and told myself that I would feel much better when it was done. My legs felt heavy and tired. I felt heavy and tired, but I kept going, envisioning the race course for the 5k I want to do in August in my head (Debbie Green 5k, the first 5k I ever did). I was coming down the big hill, I was winding left around the big corner where I first noticed my blister last year, I was making another corner and there was the race organizer telling me what a good job I was doing, calling out the time, cheering us on, thanking us for coming, I turned right and continued on, past the house where the lady who cheered for just me had been sitting and I finished the second lap for her and for me and for every fat girl that thought they couldn't run. When it was over, I breathed heavily. Ethan brought me my water bottle as I continued to walk. I took long gulps of water and tried to recover. When that walking lap was over, I went for another jogging lap, thinking - just one more lap...I can do this. I couldn't do it. I did a little over 1/2 a lap and then needed to start walking again, but I didn't let that get me down. "Next time, I've got that lap too!" I told myself. This was a time for improvements, not for beating myself up. There was no time limit to beat and no one was watching to see how I would do. I walked the last lap and then stopped at Ethan's request.
As we walked out into the middle of the field to stretch out after our run (I had made him do some sprints as what he really needs to work on are bursts of quick speed to chase down a running back), I noticed a football on the field. I looked around. Who put that there? I hadn't noticed it before. I hoped whoever it was wouldn't mind as I picked it up and Ethan and I spent about 15 minutes tossing it back and forth, working on his throwing and catching. I made him run a route, and then he made me run two! *lol* I got the brilliant idea to have him lead me through his football warm-ups, thinking most of them would be good stretches for after a run. I hadn't expected that he would say, "Okay, 10 push-ups." I did them as he counted them off. Full-on push-ups, not the modified ones I'd done all my life. "Wow!" I told myself. "The scale doesn't know it all does it? You're strong!" Then Ethan said 2 words that I thought might lead me to strangle him. "Okay," he said with a sigh. "Sit ups." Huh? Not crunches - full on sit ups. I watched him do one and then realized I had to try. "Let's just do 7," he said. *lol* There's my boy! *lol* I did my 7 sit-ups with amazement. I was stronger. My core was responding. I stretched out and I went home happy to have accomplished my goal.
I can now run for 1/2 a mile without stopping. 3/4 of a mile...I'm coming for you!
Later we loaded up the car and headed out to the Moonshine Festival in New Straitsville, OH. I had packed our little cooler with PB&Js for everyone as well as a few snacks, a few cans of pop and some water bottles. Not much to note about the festival. We never found our friends and couldn't call them because there's no cell coverage in the boonies. It was boring. Ethan rode some carnival rides and we all shared a bucket of fries (I actually didn't eat very many because they weren't all that great) and then we headed back home. Hubs and Ethan's tummies were upset and I wondered if the bad food I had let my family eat the past few days was affecting them more than me. Why was my stomach a garbage disposal that didn't much care if the food was healthy or not...while theirs was affected by the change? *sigh* Fat girl, party of one!
We drove home and I slept on the ride. It felt great to take a summer afternoon nap. When we got home, I worked on my coupon binder and watched Gnomeo & Juliet with the boys. Hubs washed the car. Then we headed off to Bob Evans. We were hungry, but wanted something light. I had a side salad and then ordered 1/2 a chicken sandwich and a cup of tomato basil soup. The soup was gross. I had about 3 bites. it tasted sour almost and they were stupid enough to screw up a good thing by adding cheese and croutons on top. They screwed up the chicken salad too, by putting it on heavily buttered and toasted bread. I begrudgingly ate it, really wanting some slices of wheat bread instead but not wanting to be a PITA. At least the chicken salad there is good.
So how did I lose 2.6 pounds this week? Well, I gave up. I gave up my diet mentality and went back to my intuitive eating. I let myself slide. I didn't care anymore about fitness minutes and calories counted. I just did what I thought was best and figured the results would be what they were - whatever. All this pushing myself hasn't gotten me very far and all I really want is to stop being so hard on myself all the time. So I gave in to my ideals of fun and life. I indulged when I wanted, I ate some "bad" things, but stopped when I was full. I don't know how many calories I consumed (I don't even really remember the Thursday binge) and I don't really care.
I'm tired. Tired of pushing myself to exhaustion. I want to live my life now, not wait until I'm skinny to do it because, honestly, I don't know if I ever will be. I have to learn to love who I am and my body - the good, the bad, and the ugly. I want to fight for the things that matter to me most - spending quality time with my family and running a mile without stopping. I don't want to beat myself up because the scale is a stupid jerk who just doesn't get it.
I'm not saying that eating battered-fried fish and french fries will help you lose weight. All I'm saying is, I needed to back off. I think I still need that. I've pushed for a year and I'm exhausted. I want to enjoy my life, not constantly berate myself for whatever I did and didn't do. So for at least a little while, it's about living, not dieting, not numbers on the scale. Sure, I'd love for them to go down, but I'm more excited about my mileage increasing. I'm more excited about being able to do push-ups without modification. I'm more excited about my flexibility and stamina increasing.
It's time to let go of the negative and work on the positives. And if that means that the scale wants to throw me back into 320 land...so be it. I'm ready to have a little fun and go buck-wild...it's just my definition of that has changed a bit.
Today, I hope to play outside again. I'm thinking a trip to the lake is in order because, really, I can no longer envision a Memorial Day weekend without a good swim (and I'm not all that crazy about crowded pools). I also need to work on the garden because I cannot WAIT for fresh bell peppers and tomatoes to put in my new array of homemade dishes. So between today and tomorrow, that's what my plan looks like. No calorie counts. No "don't eat this" rules. Just "Go - Do - Have fun!"
Have a great holiday weekend, y'all.
Total pounds lost with SP: 99.6
Total pounds lost from highest: 150 pounds*
Yes, I realize that now, but now is not the time for "Yay! I did it!" blogs. Now is the time to go have a life. Leave a message at the beep - I'm off living for today.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Got you there, didn't I? When have I ever had nothing to say?
*turns and tells Hubs to STFU*
I am sore today. Still.
Sunday was coupon madness (saved 39% on my grocery bill!). I took the boys to breakfast at Shoney's and didn't feel guilty about it. The problem, I think, comes in my reaction after. I was full...for like ever. More than full, I was distracted. So sometimes weekends mean binges, and some times I act more like an anorexic on autopilot. I get busy, I get distracted, I ignore my body. I know that isn't good and I'm starting to recognize how consistency is important. (BTW - I managed to do quite well at Shoney's. Had my eggs and hashbrowns and a slice of sausage. Ate a few bites of pancake and then I was done and I was good with that. I didn't feel like I needed to eat more just because of the cost of the buffet or because it was there. ...I wonder if it's because the kids were there but not Hubs...)
Monday was running day #1. I know I only promised to run once a week, but I can't help myself if I feel it. I ran on my lunch break and didn't run that far. I wanted to run at least 1/4 mile again, but I couldn't do it because of the hill I mysteriously landed on on my first running segment.
For the record, I abandoned C25k because it wasn't working for me. I fight with myself. I hate myself when I can't do what others can do. I feel like I've failed it twice. Don't try to tell me that you can't fail it - in my mind I can. So this time I'm trying this on my terms. The plan is to work my way up to 1 mile, then farther, by starting with 1/4 mile segments. I've finally reached 1/4 mile (and went a little over, actually) so I'm working toward a straight 1/2 mile run. And I don't mean I hop on a treadmill, run 1/2 a mile and then hop off. I mean I hop on the treadmill and warm-up until I feel ready (usually 3-6 minutes) and then I take off at an easy 4.4 pace and try to get my distance in before I feel like I need to stop running and walk again. If I feel up to another running segment later, I go back to it without worrying about distance but noting it for later. I usually do at least a mile total, but at least 1/4-1/2 of it running. I know a mile doesn't seem like a lot, but I'm trying to work my way back slowly. I don't want to end a run being angry or upset. I want the flying feeling and then I want to stop on the high. I still challenge myself, but I'm not going to push past my capability.
I also completed day 1 of the Rachel-Mac 4-day lifting workout - back and biceps. I felt strong and fit and ready to take on the world.
I went home and put on some water to boil. Once boiling, I added in some whole wheat linguine, cooked that for 4 minutes, added some chopped broccoli in the pasta water and let that cook for another 3-4 minutes. After it drained, I added a touch of olive oil to a skillet, added in my pasta and broccoli, as well as some frozen peas I had thawed out. I added pepper and a dash of salt and cooked it up a touch more with some Ragu light alfredo sauce. It was still a little bland (needs more pepper) but was a good, healthy meal - and filling too! Everyone enjoyed it and this will definately become a standby.
It was also the ONE day this week that I stuck to my eating plan exactly. I stuck a HUGE sticker on my calendar for Monday because I was so on task all day.
Tuesday I was sore throughout my arms and legs. I took about 20 minutes before lunch to do some yoga in my office. I'm getting closer to getting the dancer pose down, as well as this:
Advanced Downward Dog
I also did day 2 of the Rachel-Mac 4-day lifting workout - chest and triceps. Hubs was with me this day at the gym and he was even falling behind. I felt weak and unable to lift hardly anything from the soreness from the day before. After our workout, I got on the elliptical trying to get 30 minutes in. I did 10...and I barely got those out. I was SO exhausted.
My eating plan went down the crapper at dinner when we went to Carloni's and I had 1/2 a meatball sub, some handcut french fries, and a few slices of garlic cheese bread.
Wednesday (yesterday) I felt I had EARNED my rest day. Yes, I hadn't been great on my eating, but my body was SO sore and I needed my bath. I never got it. Instead, I went home and made baked chicken and vegetables (red potatoes, red pepper, yellow pepper, onions and garlic) with lemon pepper spices and (too much) salt (I discovered the too much later...:/).
Let me first say that when I got home I did NOT want to cook. First of all, it was hot and humid yesterday. We have no central A/C and are going the open-window route right now, so whenever we fire up the stove/oven the temperature inside our little home rises considerably. I warned everyone and they said okay and I cooked - thinking the whole time how much nicer it would be to sit in the A/C of a restaurant, wishing I had Chinese food in front of me, and all in all pouting about this gorgeous, healthy meal I was making, but still proud of myself for knowing how to make something like this now without a recipe. I call this a victory. I wanted to cop out, but I didn't. I stuck to the plan.
On the other hand, our oven is slow. Like SUPER slow. I think our oven was born in the 60's and it doesn't heat up like it's supposed to. Give me any recipe and I'll ignore the cooking temperature and turn my oven up to 550 to preheat (and likely to cook as well). Thankfully, I have one of the best noses I know and I can smell when food is almost done, done, and burning, so I generally tend to catch things even though cooking temperatures and times mean NOTHING to my oven. So I knew these large split chicken breasts were going to take a while to cook, and I was already really hungry since my snacks had been small all day (I ran out of yogurt and Luna bars - my go-tos for snacks *pouts*). So, stupid me, I sat down after dinner was in the oven and gave my growling stomach the first thing I found in the fridge that would cook quickly - a brat...on a bun...with ketchup. *face/palm*
And when dinner came out some hour and a half to two hours later...I ate it. *face/palm* Instead of toning down my portion, I just ate it. And followed it with most of a large dark chocolate Dove bar I had stashed in the fridge. I had eaten my portion, had a few chunks more, and then put it away, but somehow it ended up back in my hand as I watched The Goonies with my boys and drank a Cherry Coke Zero.
So, yeah, there were ups and downs there. I went to bed around midnight, instead of my scheduled 10:30pm.
Today? I woke up still sore in my shoulders, which sucks because tonight is day 3 of the lifting program - shoulders and abs. *face/palm* I'm hoping to still try and see if I can squeak out any sort of lifting tonight. I know that it hurts right now because this is new to me. I've been doing the program for 2 weeks, but I haven't followed all 4 days until this week. I need to get one week under my belt and show my muscles what they have in store because, as far as I've been able to tell, this is a pretty good routine for me. It works the muscles I need to work right now and I can already see changes from my half-hearted attempts in the past 2 weeks. (Hubs says my neck looks INCREDIBLE! *lol* Damn me for losing weight in my NECK right now... *runs off to measure*....yep, down 1/4 of an inch on my neck. *lol*)
I've logged my food for today, and even though I'm sitting here craving things like chicken salad and sushi, I know that I have leftover pasta from Monday in the fridge here at work. I'll eat that in a bit for lunch and then go from there. I went over my calories (by like 300! EEK!) yesterday, but I hope to stay on task today.
As for my workout? I might do a little warm-up if I get ready before Zumba starts, then I'm going to try to stick it out through the entire hour of Zumba, but if I can only do 1/2 hour tonight I'll be okay with that. (Just no wimping out for the sake of doing it!) I have to remember to take it easy and come back slow! I'll follow that with the shoulders and abs lifting routine (I know, at least, that I certainly need the ab work right now -- I've been sorely lacking on that as of late.) And then a good long stretching segment before returning home...where I hope to have already convinced Hubs to make Tuna Helper and some of our stash of frozen veggies for dinner. I need to not be thinking about it tonight. I need to have it not left up to me because I fear I'll end up at the Mexican joint. (My cravings are weird!)
And because too often I complain about what's wrong (which I do to get them out and discover my problems in the hopes of solving them), here is my top 10 list of things I love today:
1) Sunshine and warmth! I nearly got a contact burn from the pole outside I leaned against on my break. LOVE you sun!
2) Thursdays that are really my Fridays!
3) Getting work done! I'm a MACHINE at work! :)
4) Knowing that my little one is just one block down from me right now and the only thing stopping me from going over to cover him in kisses is knowing I'd have to pay to get into the place and I don't know if I'd find him in there. (I'll make up for it with kisses tonight!)
5) Looking forward to long weekends! While most people get a 3-day weekend, I get a 4-day one! I'll pay for it next week when I only get 2 days for my weekend, but I'm happy to have this mini-vacation time.
6) Garden planting. I really hope to get that done this LONG weekend!
7) Young Fiction books and audio books. Seriously, I'm realizing how much I like this genre, which makes sense that this is the genre would be of my first story (only partly written right now...needs filling out like MAD!). In my car right now is Eric Rex: The Search for the Truth by Kaza Kingsley (which was on clearance at Borders!).
8) My neck, shoulders and eyes. Seriously, I keep looking at myself going, "Not bad, baby girl. Not bad at all!" *wink wink*
9) Coupons! HA! I want to go buy some things cheap this weekend too. I gotta find all the great deals (I think I might go back to the store tomorrow to try to pick up another box of cheap hair color).
10) Cheap hair color! I got a light strawberry blonde color for 1.06 at the store Sunday, so this weekend I'm recruiting Hubs to help me color my hair, and I'm hoping that it doesn't turn my hair bright orange! *LOL* (If it does, I have a backup box of Auburn color - my natural color - under the sink and a stylist I love that can probably squeeze me in for a repair job.)
This weekend, the plan is:
* plant garden
* enjoy days off
* take a road trip (Saturday we're thinking of meeting friends at the Moonshine Festival in New Straitsville, OH)
* swimming!! (MUST put that ridiculously expensive swimsuit to use this weekend at a pool or the lake!)
* pray it doesn't rain! *lol*
* and RUN! (Saturday morning is the plan right now...praying for my 1/2 mile or at least .40 mile!)
See, I don't have ANYTHING to say.
You've all made me speechless! *snort*
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