Tuesday, May 03, 2011
Okay, so yesterday went considerably well. Minor slip-up at the end, but nothing that hurt the bank, honestly.
Meal 1: Breakfast
6:40ish am --- Eggs and Oats
I cooked up my oats in a frying pan instead of a saucepan like I usually do, when they were done, I added in the 4 egg whites and 1 egg I had whisked together and then cooked that down. Yes, there will still some chunks of egg in my oats, but with some brown sugar on top, it actually tasted quite good. Thick. A little creamy. And SO filling. I was forcing the food down telling myself that I needed to try to follow this plan exactly for one week at least. Had this been dinner, I could've eaten this easily, but I'm usually not so hungry in the mornings, so it was a bit of a challenge. Still, got it down and felt satisfied and (surprisingly) not overly full for the rest of the morning.
Stats: 397 cals/ 74 carbs/ 10g fat/ 28g protein
(And that includes my regular coffee with creamer on the way to work. Sorry, Jamie, I just can't picture my life without my morning coffee just yet.)
Meal 2: Mid-Morning Snack
9:30am --- PB Sandwich and Strawberries
The simplest meal of the day. Two slices of whole grain wheat bread with 1 Tbsp. natural peanut butter and 8-10 strawberries. I considered slicing the strawberries and putting them on the sandwich itself, but I got lazy and just ate the sandwich and the strawberries seperately. (Maybe I'll be less lazy today!) No big surprise here...
Stats: 301 cals/ 41 carbs/ 11g fat/ 11g protein
Meal 3: Lunch
12:00pm --- Chicken, Broccoli and Sweet Potatoes
I popped my premeasured and weighed lunch into the microwave at work, and then headed outside to eat in the sunshine and warmth while reading my book. NICE! Lunch was 4 oz. of chicken breast. I had cooked 8 pieces of chicken breast on Sunday night. I split them into 4 sets of 2 breasts, and then topped each set with different spices. For lunch I had chicken with salt, pepper, oregano, and some ground cumin. As far as the sweet potato went, I had peeled it and chopped it into fry-type shapes, put it in a pan with some olive oil and salt and pepper and then put it in the oven to bake. They never reached the crispiness of fries, per se, but they were still good. Along with that, I had a cup of fresh steamed broccoli, which I steamed at home using my new steamer tray I got at Big Lots for 6 bucks. :) All in all? Great, filling lunch! I was impressed with how good the sweet potatoes were, as I usually have a problem with them. Maybe my tastes have changed, or maybe I just like the way I cooked them. We shall see...
Stats: 375 cal/ 43 carbs/ 9g fat/ 32g protein
Meal 4: Midday Snack
2:30pm --- Chicken, Rice and Spinach
So this 4oz of chicken breast had been cooked with cayenne pepper and some sage. I cut it into bite sized pieces, and mixed it together with the 1 cup of rice and the 3 cups of spinach I had cooked on the stove the night before. It was a yummy mixture with just enough and not too much kick on the tail end. NOM!
Stats: 362 cals/ 48 carbs/ 4g fat/ 34g protein
Meal 5: Dinner
5:30pm --- Tilapia with Rice and Steamed Vegetables
The meal plan called for 5 oz of fish, but I cut it down to 4 oz. Probably good because I realized later that I had measured my 1/3 cup of rice a little off...I think I had a touch too much rice, but nothing to fret over. And instead of mixed steamed vegetables, I will freely admit that I took the easy route and just used the leftover cup of broccoli I had steamed the night before. It was just easier. Of course the broccoli was great, but the rice was a touch dry and I ended up cutting up the fish and mixing it with the rice, which turned out pretty well. Tilapia is not my favorite fish...it tastes a touch fishier and grimier (?) than my salmon favorite, but it's alright.
Stats: 286 cals/ 35 carbs/ 5g fat/ 31g protein
All of this was consumed before my work day even ended. Then I headed to the gym for a workout.
Confession time...I only did 2 circuits instead of 3. I could feel my body starting to get sore and I do NOT need another injury. I knew I had put in enough time and effort to be alright on exercise for the night, so I called it good.
I started out with 5 minutes on the Treadmill, warming up.
Then I moved onto 2 sets of 15 push-ups to warm-up the arm muscles, which I was to use in ST that night.
Finally, 2 circuits of the following, 12 reps then 10:
Side Lat Raises (10, then 15lbs)
Dumbbell Bench Press (10, then 15lbs)
Bent-Over Dumbbell Tricep Extensions (10, then 15lbs)
Seated Cable Rows (70, then 80lbs)
Alternate Hammer Curls (10, then 15lbs)
Hyperextensions (10, then 25 lbs)
Following the first circuit I did 3 minutes at a moderate to vigorous pace on the elliptical, and following the last round, did 5 minutes on the stairmaster - as much as I could go without my hip needing serious medical attention.
Finally, Post-Workout Meal:
Protein drink with a medium sized banana.
Stats: 239 cals/ 32 carbs/ 3g fat/ 27g protein
I did well the rest of the night, aside from the mini Kit-Kat and the Dark Chocolate Covered Peep I had while playing Jenga with Hubs and Ethan. And then I cooked my steamed veggies and sweet potato and spinach for the next day and prepped my food in containers for today.
So far so good. Didn't go hungry once. Hoping to stay out of the Easter candy tonight...
Monday, May 02, 2011
So April was a trying month for me, but let's focus on the positives.
When I weighed in on April 9th, I weighed 325 pounds.
Yesterday morning I logged my weight as 323.2.
So even with the all the crazy emotions, crazier eating and all that jazz, I still managed to lose weight. WIN!
I finally got my butt to the doctor, and then to the physical therapist. Today was our third session. Last Thursday after our session I began to really hurt. I know that doesn't SOUND positive, but according to the PT, a little discomfort shows that we're trying to get things back where they should be. I think it's one of those things that have to get worse before they get better. We're backing off just a bit on our stretches, just to make sure I don't have a night like that again where walking a mile felt like torture - slow and painful.
Last Monday I surprised myself by not only doing 15 regular pushups (one of my April goals), but doing 2 sets of them. Granted, I can't yet go all the way down into them, but this is such a huge improvement on the TWO half-pushups I was doing before.
In April I may not have run, boxed or even long distance walked, but I fought through a BUNCH of mental BS that has been hanging over my head for MONTHS...probably all of 2011. I'm still a mess of stress, something I talked to Hubs about again yesterday, but I'm recognizing it and attempting to work through it. We'll have to see how that goes as time passes on. Hubs asked me yesterday, "What do you WANT out of one day?" "Peace," I told him. "That's all I want. Peace." Of course, I then told him there was no way to really give that to me because I'm such a stressed out worry-wart all the dang time and I can't seem to escape myself and we don't have the time or money to escape to the beach like we usually do about this time, but at least he was listening...and offering to help make that happen if he or I could figure out how. *shrug*
Another strange occurance - my inches are going nowhere. In fact, I think I've gotten bigger in the waist this month, but somehow I'm now able to fit into all 24s. It's like one day I couldn't and the next, TADA! WTF? I went shopping this weekend. Ended up with a pair of jean shorts (24s), a pretty orange skirt, a white dressy tank, a dressy brown shirt, and then, jackpot of all "feel good" moments - I got 2, yes TWO, springy/summery dresses from Old Navy...the kind I always WANTED to be able to wear but never could. I also tried on a pencil-type skirt at a store in the mall, it was also a size 24 and fit me beautifully (but it was super expensive and I'm still not crazy about how I look in them). So there goes my theory that I only fit STRETCHY 24s. *shrug*
I've talked to a lot of people this month, finally willing to ask for help. Some of the things that stick out.
* My PT never said my injury was due to my weight. He did NOT tell me to stop exercising, but instead encouraged me to continue carefully.
* My doctor wants nothing more than to help me along in whatever way she can. We both realize that I'm stalled, but we're working together to do things to help me along.
* My exercise physiologist finally had a sit-down with me and we talked long and hard about the options I still have available as far as exercise is concerned. She told me to stop being so hard on myself because, according to her scale and my monthly weigh-ins I am consistently losing weight every month, even if very slowly.
* And my new trainer, Jamie Eason, told me that I can achieve whatever goals I want to with enough discipline. She explained that rest is VERY important, and somehow made me realize that if I'm going to be a little more sidelined cardiovascularly *snicker* that I need to watch more carefully what I'm eating. She made me realize that I can STILL lose weight if I can't move much, I just have to refocus my focus to the nutrition side.
Today I have the following meals planned, packed and ready to go (save the protein powder and banana, which I'll eat when I get home from the gym and the first 2 meals, which I have already consumed).
7:00am - 4 egg whites, 1 egg, 1/2 c oats cooked together with a touch of brown sugar.
*coffee on the way to therapist's
9:40am - 1 Tbsp. pb on 2 slices wheat bread with 10 medium strawberries
12:00pm - 4oz chicken, 1c steamed broccoli, 1 sweet potato cooked with 1.5 tsp olive oil
2:30pm - 4oz chicken, 1c brown rice, 3c spinach
5:30pm - 4oz tilapia, 1/3c brown rice, 1c steamed broccoli
* gym at 6:40, upper body ST and some time on the stairmaster
8:30pm - protein shake and medium banana
* bed by 10:30pm
It's about 2k calories, and only my fat grams are low (by only 2 grams so I'm not stressing).
In my fridge I have enough chicken for 1 or 2 more days like this. I have enough fish for the entire week. I'll cook my broccoli and spinach the night before. I cook my eggs and oats fresh in the morning. I picked up 2 more batches of strawberries, and I'm considering using the all natural strawberry preserves I have in the fridge as a substitute if I so choose.
My goal is to stick to this as long as mentally possible. I'm scared about the sweet potatoes. I've never liked sweet potatoes. I'm also scared about getting bored, but I'm trying to tell myself that eating does not always have to be the most joyous occasion. Sure, it's great to try something amazing now and again, but every meal? Really? Not so much. Food as fuel, with treats on occasion.
Hide the Easter Candy, boys! Momma is on a chicken and fish kick for right now.
As the week goes on, I'm going to research other dishes that fit to give me that nutritional balance I'm really looking for. Hopefully next week I can vary my dishes some more. I do NOT want to be completely sick of fish and chicken before the month of May ends! *lol*
My secret hope is that this week, however, will push me down under the 320s and I can build upon that success. As a test, however, I have vowed to not weigh myself all week. Sunday is weigh-in day...so I've got to stick it out until then.
Yes, I have been thinking, "But isn't this a DIET? The same thing we've been trying to stay away from because they don't work?" Yep. It is. But it's more than that. It's training my body what a balanced meal tastes like and feels like...and it's a great "I know this works" standby while I try to sort things out on my own. I need to not have to think in the moment because that thinking lately has been ruining me, so taking out all the guesswork will (i hope) help me focus a little bit. We shall see... Know what else this diet is? 100% clean. Fresh foods, made at home, spices determined and added by me. Can't be all that bad, and might help my stomach clear out the remnants of peanut butter eggs and chocolate covered peeps.
So, now for May goals.
1. Do my PT exercises EVERY DAY.
2. Rest 2 times a week - Wednesday for baths, Sunday for batch cooking.
3. Follow the 12-week fat loss program for the entire month as close as possible.
4. Be willing to forgive adjustments for injuries.
5. Substitute in what you substitute out. Even if you can only manage a SLOW walk, do the same amount of time you would have done your High Intensity elliptical workout and make it work.
6. Eat clean 25/31 days.
7. Treat yourself TWICE this month.
8. Drink 12-14 glasses of water a day.
9. Take your glucosamine to see if it will help with the joint pain.
10. Register entire family for Debbie Green Memorial 5k (in August).
11. Get ahold of and strangle CT until he gives me a new boxing appointment.
12. Do NOT allow bath-time to become mind-suck time. PROMISE!
Here we go, May! We're off to a good start!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Last night I did something REALLY, REALLY stupid. I asked the Hubs to take me to the Chinese place for dinner. STUPID STUPID STUPID!! I figured I could handle it. See that, friends? I got too sure of myself. Plus, I've learned that you can't handle ANYTHING at a Chinese restaurant and/or buffet because EVERYTHING has SALT SALT and more SALT. UGH! On the one hand, I'm super proud that I did not overeat. On the other hand, I was ready, willing, and able to make Ranch Cheddar Turkey Burgers last night. WTF is my problem?
This morning I woke up so very tired. My back has been killing me the past couple days and yesterday it was almost unbearable. Last night I took the 3 boys (Hubs included) to Wal-Mart to pick up some odds and ends. I found a bottle of bath salts that are supposed to help aching muscles (and they STINK when you smell them in the bottle but smell great in the water, so I really don't understand that!), a avacado/oatmeal mask, and some more makeup remover wipes. When we got home, I announced that I was taking a bath and was NOT to be disturbed. Thankfully, everyone was happy to oblige. I sat in a warm/hot tub for an hour, trying to get my back to work itself out - my muscles were SO tight in the upper part of my back reaching up into my neck that it hurt to turn my head to check for traffic on the way home. I loaded up the tub with the bath salts, took off my makeup, put my hair back, put on my face mask, lit a bunch of candles (which my kids help me find around the house), and sat down with my book for my ME time. It felt great. To be honest, I nearly fell asleep while reading my book in the tub. I have NEVER felt that comfortable in a bath in our tub (it's not the greatest tub). I have also not ever had this much manueverability in our tub, so that felt good to recognize.
I just got back from my physical therapy appointment. The PT was quizzing me in a sort of sneaky way to ask if I had done my exercises this past week. He wouldn't come right out and ask if I had done them because he wanted me to report that I both remembered WHAT they were and how to do them, as well as that I had completed them. Honestly I told him that I had not been perfect doing them every day, but that I had done a lot of them. And, unsurprisingly to those of us who have learned that consistency, not perfection, is key, he said, "Great!" I admitted that the pain in my hip had decreased, while the pain in my back increased, just as he suspected it would. And then I fessed up to playing Just Dance 2 with the boys the other night and pulling my hip all wonky again...he smiled. I don't know why he smiled. But I explained that it had felt pretty bad yesterday morning but by the end of the day was feeling better, and today - practically nothing again. (It used to take WEEKS to really heal up like that). I told him, however, that I was having some SERIOUS tightness in my upper back around my shoulders and I didn't know how connected that was to my problem. "Could be," he said, and then told me not to completely extend my neck back in Cobra, but to just keep my head neutral. Hrm...how'd he know I was taking his simple exercise to the extreme?
After 15 minutes on a heating pad (I think they get a kick out of the fact that I read while I'm icing/heating), they started me on some regular exercises that I'm assuming will become part of my regular visits. First up? Five minutes on the treadmill....at a speed of 1.5. Oh...my...slow! I kept telling myself that this was NOT a workout and that I needed to follow their instructions exactly, but I seriously wondered if I could increase to at least 2.8 without them noticing. I resisted the urge and held out for my five minutes. After that, the girl showed me how to do wall squats. *snicker* "We're going to shoot for 30," she said. I laughed to myself and said aloud, "Okay, no problem." I did my squats and then it was the back extensions. They had been waiting to get me on a machine some guy was using, but he was taking forever and I was just standing around with my thumb up my butt like an idiot, so they finally let me do them on my own without any machine support. Then they had me lay on my stomach and rest on my elbows for three minutes before I had to do my cobra-type stretches for the PT again. We talked a bit and he seems to be more sure that it's something funkified in my back. He had me do sags in the last couple cobras where you sag your stomach down toward the floor, further extending the pressure on your lower back. Finally, I was feeling something! OW! *lol* He explained that we were going to do these in the last 3 cobras of each set this week and then see how that goes. He said that he may eventually have to actually press on my back to manipulate things back where they should be, but he wants to get into this gradually. After the talk, I did 15 more minutes on my back, this time on ice and with the electrode therapy on my hip/back area.
As I was doing my exercises, whipping from one thing to the next, I started looking around. Many of the patients there are older, some seem to have been in accidents of some sort, but all of them seemed to be straining much more than I was to complete many of the same movements. The girl next to me was trying to increase the amount of bend she could get in her knee, and as I heard her almost scream out through the tough exercises, and apologize when she had to take an unscheduled break, I realized that she never ONCE complained. She whined and moaned but she KEPT ON GOING. She was fighting through the pain for this one moment I got to witness at the end, where she bent her knee as much as she could and the girl next to her measured the angle. The patient had gone from 75 to 81, which I'm guessing is an improvement, because she said, "And that's just in two days!" with the same amount of joy you might hear from me if I lost 15 pounds in a week. It got me thinking and made me realizing that shutting up and working through right now is the best option I have. Be thankful for what I do have. Let those who know what they're doing instruct me on how to make the hurt parts well again. Keep pushing through on through the other side, where victory awaits. And count EVERY SINGLE PROGRESSION as a milestone. I know what the woman was going through. I could almost feel the memory of the same tightness she was likely experiencing in her knee in my own. After years of dealing with serious knee issues, weeks where my mobility was almost completely sacrificed in one leg following an incident where my knee popped out, I have gotten to a point where this feeling is a faint memory. How's that for perspective?
The more I think about the fact that May is coming up, the more I think about the way I've been treating food in my life, I'm thinking the following must occur.
I will work EVERY day to make it through the plans I've made.
I will adapt where necessary, but never without a good REASON.
A "reason" is not the same as an "excuse."
I will follow the meal plan set for me for one week as a challenge to myself.
I will not judge the effects of that successful week by the scale numbers alone.
I will take each day as a lesson and a blessing.
I will wake up each morning with the thought that today will be a good day.
I will retire each night with the hopes that tomorrow will be as great or better than the current day was.
I will remind myself of all the GOOD things when the bad things come out of hiding to haunt me.
I will drink 12 glasses of water per day, or more.
I will trust those certified to give me instruction to know better than me.
I will give the experts the benefit of the doubt.
I will use this time to find new ways to eat sweet potato. Maybe the only reason I don't like them is because I haven't had them the right way yet.
I WILL stick to the plan.
I WILL give myself credit.
I WILL do my PT exercises every day!
I WILL make it.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
So, yes...I forgot my yogurt today, which is making me extremely sad. I know that might sound silly to some people, but my Sparkies know what a good snack is like. We rely upon it. We trust in it. We don't have to think about how many calories are in it or if it fits into our day, because we just already know that it does. So now that it's 10am and time for a snack, I'm lamenting the loss of my Chobani. (Really, I just forgot it because I was running late this morning and forgot to grab one from the fridge.)
Truth is, besides a salad and some strawberries (which go ON the salad, mind you) in the fridge, I don't have my normal stand-bys today. Today will be a true test of will. I must figure out what I can/will eat for lunch and snacks. Problem 1 has already been solved by 15 almonds and a Clif Kid Twisted Fruit. YUM!
As for yesterday? Well, this old girl did alright, and I'm more than happy to report that.
I signed up for the Shape Up for Spring challenge and did my first 10 minute SP kickboxing video while in my office before the bell rang yesterday. (No, there is no bell here, but sometimes I feel like I'm being tortured with waiting for quitting time, much like I felt in school.)
Lunch with a friend? Heck yea! Met that challenge head on. Ordered their lunch special, which is supposed to = 1/2 pound of their famous "Power Pounder" sandwich. You pick the meat/cheese combo, they put it on a HUGE bun and add coleslaw and french fries. With the lunch special you get the 1/2 sandwich plus a side, which you can pick from a list of side salad, fruit cup, fries, or chips. I thought for a bit and then ordered a garden 1/2 burger, plain - no cheese, no slaw, no fries. Girl had the courage to ask me if I wanted those fries on the side. NO!! I don't want them anywhere near me or I WILL eat them, I explained to her (in less words and with more control...I'm good at hiding it sometimes). Of COURSE I ordered a side salad for the side, with fat-free Italian dressing.
The good: OMG this garden burger was so chock full of veggies you could SEE them. It wasn't vegetables trying to be hamburger, but rather looked like a hamburger with all kinds of veggies just packed into it. NOM! The 1/2 burger was small and on a LARGE 1/2 bun. I figured I'd remove at least the top of the bun. The "side" salad was HUGE for a "side" salad. Right on ya, PAG! That's the way it SHOULD be done. HUGE side of veggies with a small bit of protein. I think I fell in love with them right there and then. And as my friend looked longingly at my salad and kept saying, "I didn't know it would be that big! I should have gotten that!"
The bad: I KNOW that wasn't fat-free dressing because I KNOW what FF dressing looks like. *sigh* At least it was on the side and wasn't a huge portion. About 2 Tbsp., or one serving. They did put cheese on both the salad and the hamburger, but instead of picking all of it off, I made another call...a BETTER call.
The result: I ditched the bun altogether. It didn't look that great anyhow and was so oversized from the meat it just looked sad. I cut up the burger into bite sized pieces and after picking out pieces of crouton from my salad (useless, I tell you!), I piled on my burger pieces and put on some dressing.
BEST SALAD EVER. I'm half tempted to make this a once-a-week type thing it was so good. Maybe eventually I could get them to just ditch the bun for me and just give me a 1/2 garden burger on my salad with VERY LITTLE to NO cheese and FF dressing (I'll bring my own if I have to!).
Result? I win!
Speaking of food...then there was dinner. *sigh*
Okay, I'll admit it right here and now, while looking up where to eat lunch with my friend this Saturday on our girls' day out, I ran across a picture of a juicy steak from O'Charley's and my mouth started watering. Oh-Em-Gee! Steak! I wanted it....NOW!
For those that know me (well, probably not any of you really know this one about me), I don't really care for steak really. I rarely want steak (yeah, I laughed at the pun last night too). Still, all of a sudden I wanted steak. The rain had stopped and I did NOT want to watch the Zumba class go on AGAIN without me, so I put my tail between my legs, bypassed the gym and headed straight home. I walked in the door, told everyone to get ready and we were going OUT for dinner. (BTW - It wasn't me avoiding cooking - all my meat is actually still frozen as I forgot to set it out early enough. *sigh* Had to make a split decision to either go out or pop by the grocery store before heading home. I wanted to go out.)
We ended up at Ponderosa, where I ate a few buffet items, but basically ignored most of what I normally get so that I could focus on steak and my baked potato. NOM! Loved so much. And I have to say that it's probably the MOST successful buffet visit I ever had. I had no problem just saying, "Naw. I'm good, thanks." Usually I feel guilted to eat more by my Hubs, who seems to think "buffet" is code word for "eat as much as will physically fit in your stomach so you don't have to eat for three more days, thus saving us gobs of money in the process and making the cost of this meal unimportant to me." So, yeah, I had my steak. It was a 10 oz. Ribeye and I ate just less than half of it. I stuck to mostly sour cream on my baked potato (did you know it's much better calorie-wise than butter? If you have to have something, pick sour cream over butter). PLUS, with that steak in my belly, I didn't need to touch one single snack ALL NIGHT. WIN!
...okay, so maybe those few mini corn dogs weren't the most awesome choice...
So, now you're thinking - well she skipped the gym to go out! FAIL!
Yeah, I thought the same thing. And then at 9pm, I got BACK into my workout clothes from my jammies and put in Just Dance 2 in the Wii. For 35 minutes I rocked out with the kids watching me and giggling and cheering. As soon as I set it up Ethan announces, "I'll get her some water!" *lol* I didn't expect much from the game. I got it at Christmas but had never gotten to play it. The kids had played, as had my MIL, but this was my first time.
35 minutes later I was panting and happy and sweating and singing. Proud Mary? YES! The Charleston? Uhm, yes.
Of course, I paid for all this fun the rest of the night and will pay for it today as well. I immediately sat down and iced my hip after my workout, but I had already done a little more than it liked and it was sore. I popped an 800mg Ibuprofen, but that didn't much help either. Today I'm sore as all get out in that hip area, and I'm just certain I will be scolded by my physical therapist tomorrow when I report that I was feeling MUCH better and then ruined it all because my guilt and my need to rock out to Jackson 5 got the better of me.
So, today I will struggle through eating right since our house is basically depleated of the basics that get me through the day. I had to switch out my 1/2 a bagel this morning because Ethan ate the last bagel yesterday. Instead, I whipped up 1/2 c of oats with cinnamon, brown sugar, and a splash of Almond Joy coffee creamer. (Yep, I said ALMOND JOY COFFEE CREAMER. NOM!) It was quite good and I wasn't STARVING at 9:30am like I usually am.
I've got to make sure to make good choices the rest of the day as well.
On the docket for today?
* Video 2 for the challenge
* Lower Body Training tonight, and 20 min cardio
* Stop by store for stuff for dinner
* Ranch Cheddar Turkey Burgers and Steamed Broccoli is sounding mighty good as a dinner option...
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
As you can tell, I'm not lying when I say that sometimes I just need to hide. Like a turtle, I retreat into my shell when I feel threatened. Of course, this time the threatening was being done by me, but the outside world was only adding to both the temptation and frustration. I needed time to make repairs...and I'm not saying I'm done yet...so I have been lurking and not really allowing myself to say anything.
"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
Truth is, when I get like this, I get defensive. Instead of telling myself to snap out of it, I find external motivation that will allow me to continue on my self-destructive path. I find justification and reinforcement by making everyone else the enemy. Hubs has played this role lately, and I must remember to apologize to him again once I get my head on straight (thankfully, this time I recognize when I do it and I actually do apologize either in the moment or after saying something like, "I know this sounds stupid right now, but I can't help feeling this way..." and later, "I'm just sorry I took it out on you. I'm just really frustrated right now.")
My self-hatred in these times turns to hatred of everyone else around me. It's a brutal thing, and something I've been trying so hard to conceal for years. This time, I tried turning things around on myself. It's not that I was beating myself up, but I was calling myself out on things that didn't make sense.
Esther reads a race recap where a person is a little disappointed over their 10:39 pace time.
Esther gets furious and wants to sprout out some comment about how they should shut their pie hole and just be happy they can run. She wants to tell them to stop complaining about how they don't WANT to do their training runs because she can't do any training runs. Hell, she can't even ZUMBA anymore. She wants to tell said person that they are ungrateful and unappreciative and they need to shut their traps and stop effin' whining. She also wants to tell them that they are effin' skinny already so they should stop rubbing it in my face that they lost 2 pounds when I can't even lose a half a pound. She wants to tell them to bugger off and leave the fatties to their diets, which will inevitably fail anyway.
Instead of spewing hate that has nothing to do with said person, Esther closes the window and tells herself to stop being so mean to everyone. She tells herself that it is PAIN and HURT she's feeling, and she's only turning it to ANGER in order to deal with it.
And, that, my dears, is why I hide. Because I don't want to say something I really DO NOT mean. I don't want to take down someone else just because I need to build myself up. (And, btw, stop wondering if the person in that example is you because it's not. It was completely random example...I would never reveal a real situation in order to make myself feel better - that's exactly what I'm avoiding right now!)
Unfortunately, some people don't understand this about me and start to feel hurt and abandoned by me. Totally understandable. And I'm deeply sorry for this, but it's the only way I've found to deal. I swear that I love you all still the same - but sometimes I have to back away to save both myself AND our friendship.
That being said, I'm feeling a lot better each and every day. After reading SUGIRL's blogs yesterday about her new plan of attack, I thought to myself, "That's exactly what I need! A NEW plan!" Silly how I didn't think of it before. Or maybe it just didn't stick because I wasn't ready. I've been making plans for weeks and not following through on them or getting frustrated after only a couple days. I know I'm still not going to be perfect, but I decided last night that I was going to struggle through and do the absolute BEST I could muster.
So I spent the day on BodyBuilding.com watching the beautifully built Jamie Eason talk about things I really already knew. Somehow, they sounded different, reinforced or something, and I devoted myself to a basic plan of attack with some changes along the way...working back toward what I wanted to do all along. ALWAYS have a plan, my friends. And if it fails, make another - again and again until it sticks.
With the program that Jamie Eason suggested for me on BodyBuilding.com (yes, I do pretend that Jamie Eason and I had a conversation yesterday, rather than me watching mass produced and marketed videos of her...let me have my fantasy! ;) ), and the talk I had with the exercise physiologist at my gym last Friday, I'm coming up with a new plan of action...and a couple back up plans as well.
Oh, let me back track and mention what I talked to the physiologist about on Friday. Truth is, I made the girl cry...and I almost cried to. She basically started the conversation with, "So, what's up?" and I laid into her like she was my own private shrink. I kept wondering what I needed to pay her for the hour and if she had a cot hidden away somewhere that would make this heart pouring session a little easier to take. I told her that I was hurt and lost. I explained my injuries and that both the doctor and the physical therapist had suggested that I basically do nothing for the next however many weeks and still somehow manage to lose weight. I suggested that I not eat for the next couple months, but that didn't seem like the most logical answer to the problem. I told her that while I'm usually the kind of person that does not like things like meal plans and exercise routines "assigned" to me, that was exactly what I needed right now. "I need someone to just say - 'Stop your whining. Do this, this and this and we'll meet again in a few weeks to see how that's going.' I need a kick in the pants."
I explained to the physiologist that because I was being stripped of everything I knew worked, and because I felt like I was all alone, especially since the closure of the daycare means that Hubs can no longer be my workout partner, that I was angry and confused. I told her that being at the gym, working the stationary bike like it's my biatch is more difficult than I ever imagined. Not only do I effin' hate that machine for how dull it is, my legs and feet go numb if I do more than 20 minute, my heart rate never hits the higher points it was reaching when I was running and doing Zumba, and I kept looking around at everyone around me doing all the things I wanted to be doing instead and I just wanted to quit.
I told her that quitting was not acceptable. That this was my cry for help. "I don't want to keep losing 100 pounds, gain 50 back and then wait another 5 years before I try again." I explained that I knew that feeling was coming back - all those feelings of defeat and loss that I had before I started. Those well known phrases had returned of "Maybe I'm just always destined to be fat" (which, I have determined may actually be a possibility according to society's understanding of the word "fat" considering that my last measurement of Fat-Free Mass was 170+ pounds on a 5'8 frame). I looked straight at her and said, "I'm not done. I can't be done. I can't be done at 330 pounds and still about 50% body fat. It's not acceptable. I'm not accepting it. Now I need you to help me - to push me back up on the horse before I fall off and vow never to ride again."
It wasn't until we talked about how difficult it was for me to ask for help that I made her cry. She explained that everyone, no matter their size or sex, have huge difficulty speaking up and asking for help - I'm assuming she really meant herself. She stopped for a moment and composed herself before telling me how brave she thought I was and how happy she was that I got the courage to stop her and ask for her help - and she admitted that she didn't know if she was that courageous. She finally said that she would spend the weekend devising a plan for me centered around, of all things, weight resistance training. She asked me how skiddish or resistant I was to being in the weight lifting room with the big dudes, and I told her that those guys were like my friends now. I told her that lifing barbells made me feel powerful and more in control than weight machines did. I told her to avoid pull-ups and maybe the squatting machine where you support the weight on your shoulders (because it worries me with my knee) but that everything else was fair game. She told me she would have a routine ready for me in the next week.
As for cardio? The goal is simple - fit in cardio 3-5 times a week. And do what works for me. We talked about avoiding the gym for cardio if it only manages to piss me off. And I told her that lately it was about me being creative to get it in. I told her that earlier that day I spent an hour scrubbing my bathroom from top to bottom as a form of cardio and she said that things like that, as well as walks with the kids and tennis with the Hubs - fun things I actually liked, were key. She said to be careful of my hip/back and, if it hurt to simply stop and find something else.
And then, because I know she had a tendancy to not follow through and I didn't want to rely upon her promise of a program for the gym last night, I ended up on bodybuilding.com...which, I guess, was a good place for me to be yesterday.
It's a 6-week plan. Jamie told me (*wink*) that we should change up the routine every 6-8 weeks to avoid both boredom from the program and our bodies adjusting to the exercises too much. It centers on weight training as a means of building lean muscle and sucking out the fat, and as a way to maintain a semblance of a routine while my hip/back tries to heal. It pulls in cardio, which I may have to change to accomodate the hip, and which I have given full permission to myself to change completely in order to keep myself on task, 3-5 times a week. Btw - I have decided that 20 minutes of burning fewer calories in a lesser intensive cardio exercise is still 20 minutes and is better than doing nothing because I'm pissed about it. Period. End of story.
Day 1: Upper Body Weight Training and 20 minutes on the Stairmaster
Okay, just the thought of doing the Stairmaster for 20 minutes makes me want to laugh and vomit at the same time. I doubt I could, but I'm willing to try and see how far I get, attempting to increase the time each week. I will, however, have to be careful of the hip/back situation on this one. That being said, yesterday was day one. I had decided this AFTER my 20 minute walk to the market and back for lunch, and while I considered doing the stairmaster later, I ended up opting out of it completely when Hubs was ready to go - babysitters run scarce in this town and we have to work on their schedules. *sigh* It wasn't until this morning that I realized - I did 20 minutes cardio. DUH! I'm calling it a great day, especially considering I THINK I was below or at my calorie goals (which, btw - the bodybuilding.com site needs to reassess their calorie needs calculator because that thing told me to eat nearly 5k calories A DAY! Wow. Uhm, no. I know better) and I drank a TON of water.
Day 2: 30-40 minutes Stationary Bike at moderate pace
This is the plan for tonight. Well, actually, this is plan B. Plan A, if it is sunny enough and the ground is not too soaked (which it likely will be after the storms last night) is to mow the front lawn with the new mower. Actually, I think the bike is plan C, because if the lawn is too wet and the sun is still out, I'd rather prefer to pick up all the boys and go play tennis or walk at the park or something...I'd even prefer to steal Hubs' bike and attempt an outdoor bike ride. Anything other than riding that stupid stationary bike for 40 minutes while attempting the entire time to get my heart rate up and also attempting to strangle, choke, and maim the people across from me running on the treadmill and my Zumba class next to me bouncing up and down.
Day 3: Rest, Rejuvenate and Remotivate
So, Jamie told me that rest is super important to losing fat and building muscle. For some reason, I believed her. It may have something to do with her killer arms or her rock hard abs, or it could have just been the way she explained it (it was probably the abs). Either way, she explained that I should take 1-2 days off each week to rest my muscles. She explained that it wasn't necessary for me to do absolutely nothing on both of those days, but that one day should be devoted to rest from all exercise. The other, she said, should be used as an uber-light day using something like yoga and stretching techniques to aid in the muscle repair process, build flexibility, but not overwork any muscles completely. Other things she suggested for these days? Batch cooking - getting my meals in order for the week. Brilliant! I thought. Use the off days to be prep days for the on days. Work another angle. I know that last week I needed to focus on the food over the exercise. Some days I NEED that. I can use my rest days for that. I can also use them to rejuvenate myself with a nice bath - rewarding myself for the week's work I'm putting in. I can relax that night and focus on settling my mind, getting it ready for the rest of the week. I can find ways to keep myself motivated on this day by reading Spark articles and fitness magazines and really keeping that fire alive. I LOVE this idea of using a "rest" day as a training day for the mind and spirit. I say it again -- BRILLIANT!
Day 4: Lower Body Weight Training and 20 minutes on the Treadmill jogging (or, for me, fast walking)
More weight training. Last night, Hubs and I only managed to eek out 2 circuits of the 3 circuit plan that Jamie gave me (yep, the physiologist failed me and didn't leave anything for me at the front...at least not that I saw). Still, we left telling each other, "Dang! That was a GOOD workout!" It's been a while since we've really had one of those days. Of course, Jamie suggests for other people to jog on the treadmill, but I'm going to modify that and walk quickly on the thing - more at a race pace to challenge myself. And, of course, this treadmill fast-walking will be a plan B or C as I try to find more productive things that will burn calories - like cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom, or the garage! *lol* Although, more than likely, it would be better for me to just do that cardio spurt as a walk at lunch - splitting up my workout time so I don't constantly feel like I'm at the gym punishing myself.
Day 5: 30-40 minutes Elliptical
Again, another cardio day. The elliptical is something else that the docs are iffy on if I should try again. I've been told I can try, but if it hurts I should stop. Again, another plan B or C as I try to find something fun outside - a sport with the kids! - or some sort of cleaning spurt that will take up the same amount of time. My bedroom could certainly use a good deep clean as I get rid of all the clothes I can no longer wear.
Day 6 - HIT Full Body Weight Training -- NO Cardio
Okay, I have to admit it, the idea of having a high-intensity weight training day without also doing cardio both confused me and thrilled me. ONE DAY when I don't have to worry about cardio WHATSOEVER. Beyond the 5 minute warm-up and cool down, I don't have to even touch a treadmill or elliptical or come up with some brilliant plan to avoid those machines while still getting in my minutes. According to Jamie, the way we do these in circuits keeps my heart rate up anyhow and will really help me lose fat. Sounds good to me, Jamie! I trust your abs...err, I mean, you. So this will be the day I get to say that I'm "hitting it hard" at the gym. I get to leave with my muscles pulsing feeling like a darn rockstar. I can't hardly wait! I'm also super stoked that it will fall on a Saturday, which means that I will need to get up early that morning, get my breakfast, and then get to the gym to get it fit in during the small window they're open Saturday (10a-2p). I think I need to start my weekends with a workout like that because that way I'll remember that when I start preparing meals.
Day 7: Rest, Rejuvenate, and Remotivate
Ah, and somehow magically, I get my final rest day on Sunday - the day that I have most normally reserved for my batch cooking days. Brilliant!!
So now that we've got that under control - we need to figure out
They've set down a diet on bodybuilding.com not unlike Spark's plan. Of course, they think I should eat 5k calories a day, which is absolutely hilarious, but otherwise, I can adjust. I know I need to stay around 1600-1800 calories a day. Jamie says I need to shoot for that 40/40/20 goal. You know it -- 40% protein, 40% complex carbs, and 20% healthy fats. They set down a diet plan that works for someone consuming about 2200 calories and will need to be modified. The things I noticed on the list and have taken away from it, however are -
1. Keep it simple. Grilled chicken, brown rice, and olive oil can make a great meal.
2. Find a way to eat oats. I have heard so many great things about them and I'm sure with some spice/honey/milk or whatever magic I can find a perfect way to eat oats that is still healthy.
3. Lots of green vegetables. Broccoli and spinach are our friends.
4. Do meals that are easy to construct for lunches throughout the week and keep well.
5. For at least one meal a day, eat just a lean protein and vegetables.
6. Eat every 2.5 to 3 hours.
7. Drink 1/2 to 1 gallon of water - even more on days when I'm working out.
8. Eat protein at EVERY meal.
9. Eat 1-1.5 hours before a workout - protein and carbs. And find a great post-workout meal or shake (the protein shakes are returning!) along with a carb post-workout.
Most of these principles I follow already, but I've been off the wagon so long, that I have to find a way to stick to a bland and boring diet for a week or two (at least mostly) so I remember to savor the wonderful flavors that are already in my healthy meals that I cook. I've taken it for granted. So, next week, if I can force myself to do it -- LORD HELP ME! I'm going to try to be completely 100% boring when it comes to food. I hope it will help me focus on food as fuel instead of food as fun.
Breakfast will consist of mostly egg whites with one whole egg, cooked somehow, along with a 1/2 cup of oats.
Meal 2 will be a peanut butter sandwich on wheat bread with a fruit like strawberries.
Meal 3 will be chicken, a sweet potato (lord, help me...I'm not a fan), broccoli.
Meal 3 will be chicken, brown rice, spinach.
Meal 4 is fish, brown rice, and mixed vegetables.
And post-workout I'll need to have a protein shake and a carb.
The only problem I'm having is that I've always been told not to have fish more than 2-3 times a week. Maybe I've heard wrong all these years, but I can't get past that. My other problem? OMG that sounds like a LOT of food. *shrug*
I'll admit it, I hate the thought of being so damn boring when I know it's not necessary. I don't want to diet, I want to live healthy - and I don't want to eat chicken, rice and broccoli for every single meal for the rest of my life. BLAH! So, I'm thinking about it. I'm considering doing it for a week or two and then gradually incorporating back in some meals that I like. Of course, every moment I think about it, I'm leaning more toward just finding a way to adapt my healthy style of eating to the 40/40/20 rule and that is sounding brilliant right about now. Don't get me wrong, I love chicken, brown rice, and broccoli - but I don't want to eat it for every meal...end of story. The one thing I WILL take away from this is the whole eggs and oats for breakfast. I'm going to try that one because I think it will start my day out a little better. We shall see.
Do you follow the 40/40/20 rule? How do you ensure you still get variety while you maintain eating healthy and sticking to the "rules"? And how often do you treat yourself.
Three other things I caught on the site -
1. Only have sundaes on Sunday.
2. Pick lunch or dinner to have dessert, not both.
3. Once every couple weeks, go ahead and treat yourself.
I think I'll take those three with me, whether or not I follow the "boring, but simple" plan.
So, there it is. I have a plan. Sorta. *lol* I got day one completed yesterday. Sorta. And I'm plenty happy with that. I really am glad I found the site and I think I'm going to buy a couple things from them - vitamins, some powder drink for during workouts (to add to your water), and some fish oil capsules. They really talk a lot of supplements over there, but I'm really not all crazy about all of that. I do think the fish oil and vitamins are a great idea, and the Xtend stuff - I have to try it. I feel like it might help me get through the tough lifting days. Worse comes to worse I waste a few bucks and nothing happens...I haven't seen anyone complain about anything except for the taste of some of the flavors or it not really working for them. We shall see...
Today, I'm going to lunch with a friend at my favorite burger place, so I need to see what else they have and what I'm going to fit in today for lunch.
I've got a couple more days this week, and I've got to make sure I get all my cobra stretches in each day. I've been pretty good about it - I even pulled out a blanket in my FIL's garage on Saturday night and did my stretches at Hubs' birthday party. But I forget now and again, so I'm trying but I'm not perfect...that's just going to have to be good enough. I see the PT again on Thursday so I hope we can start healing me up (the hip is feeling better..the back is starting to hurt, though).
Also, I'm thinking I need a weekend me day. Well, me and AM. I'm going to see if my friend is free this weekend. I'm thinking lunch, dress shopping for our bridesmaid dresses, drinks maybe, maybe a movie - ooh, I could get my hair cut while I'm down here...maybe we could do mani/pedis? Either way, I think we need some quality time...I know *I* do!
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