CALLIKIA   23,824
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Just One Good Day and Asking for Help

Friday, April 22, 2011

It's something I never mentioned in my Spark blog about what I learned last year with SP, because I guess I was learning it at the time. Asking for help. Sometimes it's necessary to break down and scream and call in reinforcements. I kept saying all week, "I just need ONE good day" but what I didn't realize is that I had to MAKE that good day.

After I wrote my ranting blog, I cried a lot...and then buckled down. I skipped my first snack of the day to remind myself what hungry felt like. I also thought that if I could get through the morning in better shape then falling apart that night wouldn't hurt so much calorie-wise. Well, it worked, in a way. I went to bed well under my calorie limits, something I don't normally recommend but I guess I needed in a way. I forced myself to do short bursts of activity throughout the day. 10 minutes of yoga here, a 20 minute walk at lunch, so by the time I went home, skipping the gym was okay because I'd already gotten in 30 minutes of exercise. Besides, I realized that my evening focus that night needed to be on NOT eating out and actually going straight home to start making up a few dinners I had planned for the week and never made.

I stopped off at Kroger and spent 30 bucks on salad ingredients for a huge salad at work, and the ingredients for a creamy homemade dressing. Both of which I intended to take to work the next day for our Easter Luncheon. I figured if I had a huge salad to eat, I might be able to resist the other temptations. And even though Ethan dumped about half my dressing on the floor and I got completely frustrated, we still managed to finish the night with the following foods made:

* Stuffed Red Peppers
* Cassoulet
* Creamy Greek Dressing
* A HUGE salad with leaf lettuce, red leaf lettuce, and romaine lettuce, mushrooms, broccoli, radishes, carrots, and purple cabbage

Even after eating a serving of the stuffed red peppers and a half a serving of cassoulet, I still managed to be under my calorie goals and went to bed feeling like I had accomplished something.

Yesterday was a little hit or miss. I got to work and hurried to finish up a few things before a triage meeting. Triage went well, and then it was off to my physical therapy appointment.

My PT thinks the problem may actually be in my spine. I have to stretch in a back bend sort of way whenever I get up from sitting too long, and I have to fit in 3 sets of 10 reps of cobra stretches. He said I'll know if we're on the right track if the pain starts moving to my lower back. (He said he thinks it may be a problem with a disc in my spine...he actually said he HOPES that's what it is because the treatment for it is a little easier.) He also suggested that we may have to get some x-rays done at some point of my spine/hip, but no plans for that yet. He also commented on my great flexibility. *big grin* I was honest with him - which made me quite proud. I told him about my knee, about my PT failures at 16 when I lied and told my PT I'd done my homework, and told him that WOULD NOT happen again. I was 30 years old and ready to listen and do what I was supposed to do. I told him about my weight loss and explained that I could NOT give up exercising completely. He told me I had done GREAT in the past year and that he, also, did not want me to give up my exercises. He was impressed with the whole insert = magical no pain incident and asked what kind of inserts they were. He explained that it likely went away because the inserts got broken down by my running on them and we both agreed it was silly to think I needed to spend $15-20 every 3 weeks for new inserts. He said no running or Zumba until I can walk with zero pain. Oh, and I have to make a rolled towel my new friend to provide lumbar support whenever I'm sitting. (My plan for today is to make one of these.)

I will see him again next Thursday and we'll see how things have been working (or not).

After my appointment, I rushed back to work really hungry and ready for the luncheon. I didn't do a stellar job, but I did alright. I had one meatball, a small slice of bread with a smear of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, a few bites of mac-n-cheese, a few bites of baked beans, 1 deviled egg (1/2 of the egg, you know...), a small piece of ham, and some of my salad with my new salad dressing. For dessert? I was lost. Everything was just too calorie heavy and I knew I'd be tempted to overeat...until one of our judges showed up with angel food cake and some BEAUTIFUL strawberries. I grabbed a tiny slice of the cake and about 5 strawberries and thanked the judge for bringing something I COULD eat.

About an hour later, I found myself at the table again. *facepalm* I got a little more mac-n-cheese, a little more baked beans, 2 more meatballs, another piece of bread and 2 more deviled eggs, along with a container of another slice of angel food cake, 5 strawberries, a slice of blueberry bread, and a slice of lemon bread/cake. As I sat at my desk chowing down, hoarding and hiding my food...I made myself stop, put down the fork and throw the rest in the trash. Wow. It can sneak up on me just like that...I took the dessert goodies home to the boys.

I skipped the gym again. I wanted to do something active outside and actually got mad at Hubs for mowing the lawn. Unfortunately, no one was ready to go out with me, so after about 30-45 minutes of waiting around, I decided I didn't want to go out anymore (plus, I knew they were all hungry, which meant if we left the house we'd end up eating out). We stayed in, watched a movie, I had some cassoulet and a bit of rice chex later and I fell asleep during movie 2. And this morning I woke up feeling much lighter and better than I have in weeks, maybe months.

It may have something to do with the gallons of water I've had in the past 2 days. On Wednesday I started drinking water early and just couldn't seem to get enough. Apparently dehydrated, I ended up drinking 8 16oz glasses of water at work and then another 2 or so at home that night. Yesterday I had 3 glasses at work and then drank another 2 at home.

Yesterday I also took a moment to call the trainer girl at the gym. She's also the manager and I wanted to ask her about the closing of the kids' room at the gym. She told me that the change was permanent and the reason was that the kids were "tearing up the room." She said the problem had been going on for a while (I wish they would've mentioned something at some point for crying out loud - one day it's up, the next it's down. WTF?). I also told her that I didn't think it was fair that she didn't show up at our appointment last Thursday night and never called to tell me she'd be there. Her response? "I didn't think you'd go if I told you I wasn't coming, and I needed your measurements." Yes, she needs my measurements so the insurance company will continue to pay her. *rolls eyes* My response to her? "I'm ALWAYS there. That's not fair at all." She apologized and said that I was right and that she'd had that problem with other people in the past but she shouldn't generalize and assume I wouldn't show up. I told her that I've been NEEDING her help right now to get around these injuries and she said, "Esther, you can always call me when you need help." My response? "I'm calling you RIGHT NOW." I told her how difficult it is for me to ask for help. I told her that *I* would generalize now and say that, in my experience, it was difficult for a LOT of overweight people to ask for help, especially women. We've got this stigma that we can't take care of ourselves by ourselves and that's why we're fat, so asking for help sometimes feels like confirming that belief. She was quiet and listened. I nearly cried as I explained how hard it was for me to admit that I was lost and couldn't do it on my own. So we made an appointment to meet today at 4:30pm.

As for the kids' room? I asked her to reconsider. I know that the kids tear up the room because they're bored. I'm bored if I spend more than 10 minutes in there! She said that a lot of times the kids don't even want to be there. DUH! I told her that I didn't know what the gym's financial situation was like and if it was even possible, but it might be worth it to invest in someone to watch the kids and do active things with them while they're there. "Let them be active while their parents are in the gym being active!" I told her, "Even if you don't want to hire someone to be there full-time, maybe you could have someone in for a couple hours in the morning and a couple hours in the evening so that parents could bring their kids during those scheduled times when they want to have some daycare and be able to work out." She told me that they had supervision in that room at one point, and they paid the person but also had the parents pay like a buck an hour when their kids were in there, but that people stopped using the room altogether. Then she paused and said, "Maybe that would be good." *lol* I told her that I might be willing to help out with this project if she would consider it. She promised to consider it.

I came home and told Hubs about what I had talked to her about and, surprisingly, he got excited too. "Could you imagine if the kids had a Kinect in there?" I told him that I had considered telling them to put a Wii in there and let the kids play Wii Sports...but, he's right, the Kinect would be even more fun (and less worry over the whole breaking the TV with the remote thing) *lol* I told him that I thought it would be fun to have a kids' exercise class in that room. The kids could work out - doing fun things, you know? A kind of circuit training for kids with things like jumping jacks and push-ups. I said that our boys would be a great resource in finding out what kids would think is fun. I said that I'd be willing to work the room a few nights even. And then my husband surprised me again by saying, "You could take our Kinect down there. I mean, you couldn't leave it there, but you could take it for them to use." *lol* It was great to see him on the same page. And we BOTH agreed that we had NO problem paying a fee to use the kids' room for our boys. He even said that he'd been thinking about donating our old 27 inch TV to them (which is currently sitting in our kitchen taking up space). So I guess I'll talk to Cissy about it tonight and see what she thinks. I might have a new second job as the Kids' Gym Director if I play my cards right! *lol*

So, yes, I've learned more.
1) You can't just HAVE one good day, you have to MAKE one good day.
2) You can't expect the good day to do magic, but you can build upon it.
3) Sometimes you simply have to ask for help, no matter how scary that is or how much it hurts your ego to do.

I didn't work out yesterday besides the exercises I did with the physical therapist, but I'm not stressing. I have an appointment at the gym at 4:30 pm to set up a new plan of attack - a workout for the injured Esther that I hope to be able to pull out whenever things get a little difficult for me. And I'm excited to think that I could be a source of helping some of the kids here find some active things to do at the gym. I don't know, maybe I'm being too optimistic, but I really think parents would be willing to pay if their kids really liked it...and it might get the parents there more if the kids are begging to go. Sounds like a win-win for everyone.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

4EVERADONEGIRL 5/3/2011 8:14PM

    emoticon Love that you are taking charge girl! Go get 'em!!!!

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MAGPIE17 4/25/2011 2:32PM

    Glad the PT at the gym is listening!

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BLACK-PRINCESS 4/24/2011 3:34PM

    emoticon
keep your head up.

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CANNIE50 4/23/2011 1:00PM

    Wow,so much in this blog and so much going on with you. I was impressed by a number of things. The fact that you could stop yourself mid binge shows a great reserve of strength. In my experience, when I was in binge mode, I was in a type of trance (I know that sounds weird and I wish I could think of a better way to describe it) and once I got started, it rarely stopped at the mid-way point. I love your ideas about the kids activities at the gym. Some kids, esp some boys, are like puppies - if they are bored they tend to be naughty and destructive but if they can run and romp and get worn out, they are good as gold afterwards. I could see this being a pet project of yours - you working out with kids. Maybe you can call around or ask around on SP about other gyms and how they run kids' programs, and you can get some ideas. Think about how much that improves entire families quality of life, if everyone in the family goes home nicely tired after getting in some much needed exercise. I LOVE that you spoke so frankly to the trainer and I am impressed by her response as well. You two navigated a difficult conversation and came out of with some mutual understanding - what a great outcome. Finally, good job on getting through the salad dressing on the floor crisis. I once heard of a little boy spilling a COSTCO sized vat of syrup on the kitchen floor. The grandmother told me the story - I told the grandmother I think I would have moved out! Good job - and good blog. emoticon

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SARAWALKS 4/22/2011 5:46PM

    Oh this is completely WONDERFUL. It's so great how our struggles lead to helping others with their struggles and everybody DOES win. emoticon for being so creative and hanging in there.
About the lumbar thing...I have noticed that so many seats in our society curve in a dreadful way for the spine, giving us dowager's humps if we sit in them as they are. I have had a little pillow in my car for the last 15 years to put in the lumbar curve, for support when i drive. It has made all the difference. Violating that curve leads to spinal compression and slows the flow of oxygen to the brain, and so we start to feel really crappy, just because our spines are not properly aligned. Sorry for the rant but as a singing teacher, it is one of my pet peeves because so MANY people have no clue what proper posture even is.
Hurrah for you! emoticon

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TEAM-SARAH 4/22/2011 1:26PM

    Good for you for sticking up for yoruself and trying to make good things happen! They WILL happen.

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SASSAGAIN 4/22/2011 1:14PM

    OMG totally awesome! WHat a great day.

And I know what you mean about asking for help. We take care of everything else, sometimes its hard to ask for help. ((HUGS)) for reminding me of that!

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35ANGELS 4/22/2011 12:59PM

    Sounds like you've turned your day around. We have the xbox kinect and our kids love it.

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SUGIRL06 4/22/2011 12:35PM

    You sound a lot better today! I am glad :)

That sounds like fun to work with the kids to get them to be active! Hopefully you can get them to open up the room again somehow. I agree, they need something to do while they are there. My gym charges $2 per kid per visit (no matter how long you are there). I always see parents dropping the kids off!
~Ang

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RIGBY31 4/22/2011 12:29PM

    Loved your details, hour by hour, how you got thru some difficult times. I needed it.. like "oh, this is what you mean by lifting yourself and trying, oh". Thank you for putting yourself out there for us Sparkers and people in your "real" world". You're awesome.

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BETTERJULIA 4/22/2011 12:01PM

    This is a great blog! Look at you not only helping yourself but other moms and dads and their kids in the process! ROCK it girl!

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SARAHJ19 4/22/2011 11:40AM

    I love the idea for the kids area at the gym! How awesome would that be to get a program rolling that would help get kids active! Good luck with getting it all together.

Kuddos to you on asking your trainer for help. Being honest is the best thing to do to be successful. (Which is what I am learning!) I hope things go well tonight for you!

Have a Happy Easter! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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WHATSARAHEATS 4/22/2011 11:27AM

    I'm glad that you are making your own good day!

Great ideas on the kids room and programs! My gym has a room that is only open at particular times: 7-10 am, 4-7pm during the week and 10-3 on weekends. They also have a co-op program where you don't have to pay for care if you volunteer for two hours a week to watch the other kids (and you can bring yours with you).

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KKINNEA 4/22/2011 11:13AM

    Sounds like you're getting good information and contributing back more even than you're getting!

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FIORENZA 4/22/2011 11:09AM

    have a wonderful day, enjoy life!

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DJS-DEBBIE 4/22/2011 10:59AM

    Good for you! It sounds like you have a good solution for the kids' room - I hope the gym goes for it!

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Lost & Abandoned: A Rant

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I should be doing a reflection day blog right now, but I need to write something else.

I have failed this week. For a few weeks, actually. I've held up my head and put on my brave face and kept forging through as best I could, but it wasn't until last night and this morning that the wave of "this must stop" hit me.

I've gained weight in the past few weeks. I've half-@$$ed my workouts almost to non-existence. I can't fight the feeling in my gut that the end is near and I'm about to fall over the edge. I've tried every trick I've ever used before to pull out of this nosedive but nothing seems to be working. I feel broken, beaten and used. I feel betrayed by myself. I feel completely, 100%, and undeniably lost.

TOM has been raging all week and I've blamed all my bad days on it, but as I have been reflecting back on the last year I'm starting to see that I have a lot of "excuses" for my "bad days." I thought by now I'd be having less of the bad days, but lately it's been all bad days. I feel like a failure every night when I go to bed. I make it through half the day and then fall apart so completely and I don't know how to pull myself up by my bootstraps because I seemed to have misplaced my boots.

Last night I abandoned my workout. I was raging at the gym, feeling betrayed by the one thing that has kept me together for almost a year. I was in a eating cycle all day at work and trying my best to ignore it or hold it off, but as I drove home my will broke and I just gave up. Chinese buffet followed by ice cream AND a candy bar. I felt like my old self...the self I NEVER wanted to be again.

How could I go from that girl last summer who felt so in control, so powerful and brave and hopeful and ready to take on the world, back to this girl who sees fat and thinks all hope is lost? I'm so bloated today that I am in physical pain, and all I can think is, "My body has abandoned me" when I know that I've abandoned it.

So today is obviously that day of TOM week that is completely emotional. I can't stop tears from welling up in my eyes, though I refuse to let them fall (it's only a matter of time, I'm sure). I want to crawl underneath my desk and not emerge. I want to disappear and never be heard of again. And I don't know WHY.

Yesterday I told myself that I would spend 5 minutes every morning after arriving at work and before completing any work to de-stress and center myself - whatever that meant. This morning I slapped on some makeup and wrote a to-do list for the day, but before I did anything else, I put on my headphones and set my iPod to shuffle. A nice, soothing song came on and I moved from my chair to the floor. I spent the next 5-10 minutes doing yoga and ballet stretches, already feeling better. And then I figured I'd done enough and stopped. Not 10 minutes later I felt those feelings of UGH return. I just can't hold it together today.

I feel like I need a break from work. This would normally be about the time I'd be counting down days to a family vacation - but with money being tight and the wedding in July in Utah, we've had to abandon those plans for now. I need to save my annual leave, and I need to save my cash too. I've tried pulling together fun stuff on the weekends, but it's just not enough. I NEED a weeklong break to pull myself together and remind myself why I wake up every morning. Plus, with all the work, working out, and other pressures on me lately - I MISS my family terribly. I see them every day, and they get on my nerves more often then not, but I can't help but feel like I'm not getting enough of them. I need a week secluded with them away from the troubles of bill paying and work schedules and training and whatever else BS always seems to crop up. I NEED a break and I can't have one.

I now regret Vegas.
I regret saying yes to being a bridesmaid.
I regret Minnesota.

I feel selfish and worthless right now. I should've saved that time and money for my family. It wasn't the same without them.

I don't know what I need right now other than a swift kick in the pants.
Until I figure out how to feel better about my lot in life, I'll just work on just doing what I'm supposed to do.
It's only 9:20am and I am dreading having to go to the gym tonight.
I don't want to work out.
I don't want to waste my time there.
What's the point?

BAH!

I promise I'm trying, people, but if I disappear off the face of the earth for a few days, just know that I'm beating myself up somewhere and then trying to find some way to build myself back up.

This can't be it.
I can't be done.
330 pounds is not acceptable.
47% body fat is not acceptable.
It means I will never again ride a horse or experience a zipline if I don't continue.
I won't be able to live without restrictions.
I won't be able to feel good about myself or wear nice clothes.

I want my months of 8-10 pound weight loss back.
I want to stop fighting with food.
I want to stop struggling to even get to the gym.
I want energy-fueled workouts again.
I want my life back!
I want to be fully healed and healthy again and not have every exercise, no matter how small feel like I will have to pay for it for the next 2 days. My hip/pelvic region is NOT getting any better still (physical therapy tomorrow...maybe they'll help pull me out of this). My back is killing me. I get headaches almost every day. My foot hurts some days and my elbows the next. I feel broken.

And do you know what else I want? I want someone to help me.
I feel like all these people (like the people on the insurance program) offered me help before, but I didn't need it then. And now that I need it? I feel abandoned.
My boxing instructor hasn't called me back to reschedule.
My PT hasn't seen me since FEBRUARY.
My nutritionist is about to have a baby so I don't know when I'll see her again.

I feel lost and completely alone, and my usual scouting of SP for inspiration is not working.
Not sure what to do.
Not sure where I'll be a year from now.
Afraid I will gain it all back.
Afraid this is the start of the lull I had last time that led to me gaining back half of what I lost.
I can't keep doing this.
Why does it have to take so long?
Why do I have to be SO fat?
Why is it so hard for me to lose just ONE pound?

*pounds head on desk*

Don't mind me...just having a mental break down.
Go workout and enjoy your skinny lives!
emoticon emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BRIGHTIDEA05 4/22/2011 2:30PM

    I adore your honesty...thanks for sharing your feelings with us. You are not alone, I assure you. I am afraid too!

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SUGIRL06 4/22/2011 12:27PM

    I read this a few days ago but couldn't comment. I can't remember much of what I wanted to say but one thing I do remember is "I know how you feel!" It really does sound like you need a break. Is there any way you can carve out even just 1 day to relax for yourself? Maybe a Saturday that you can just lounge around the house with the family. Order food in (or have it prepped from the day before) and do absolutely nothing but relax? Really, I just want you to know I'm thinking of you and here for you! I hope you find your groove again and get some time to yourself!
~Anh

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RUNJEWELRUN 4/22/2011 10:27AM

    This is my first time reading your blog. Here's a hug. I am praying for you. We all go through times like this(even if its just in our heads). You have had amazing success and you will continue.
Take small steps if you have to.
You rock!

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RUNNINGNP2B 4/22/2011 10:24AM

    emoticon and love love love sent your way

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 4/22/2011 10:16AM

    This too shall pass. I'm sorry you are experiencing all of these things right now, and I'm sorry you are looking back on your experiences with regret. I hope you find a way to appreciate what those experiences brought you, taught you, or made you realize. Nothing happens by chance, we are a sum total of our choices so, for better or worse, we need to own it.

Sending you love.

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BAYBELIEVER 4/22/2011 12:12AM

    Esther, Do not, I repeat, do not give up on YOURSELF! Yeah that is easy to say, but I wanted to say it anyway. I know how this feels. I have been there too. I have lived in fear of walking away and then gaining it all back. For me, it is just doing one little thing to get that ball rolling again. Which, I think, in the Sparkworld means starting at the beginning again. NOT starting over, just remembering how to get rolling. Commit to 10 minutes a day of working out. Promise yourself to track everything you eat, the good, the bad, the ugly. But just be sure you are tracking. And moving. 10 minutes is still 10 minutes. So what if you ate a candy bar and ice cream? Did the world end? No! But if you track it, then next time you will be reminded of the calories in each and maybe pick one, not both. I guess this is what other people call "fake it until you make it" but you have to do this. You have come so far! Yes, we have so far to go, but we have come so far! We are not going back! And you can't take back Vegas or Minnesota. Those are in the past. Remember the great times you had, memories made, and just move forward! I will be praying for you! Hang in there!
emoticon

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KRAZYKATT 4/21/2011 9:26PM

    Darlin - So many of us understand that downward spiral all too well. It's not easy! Do you have a counselor? I consider myself an intelligent woman, but when I'm down I can't seem to get over it alone. Well meaning friends and family can't help.I need professional help - for some reason my counselor knows how to help me turn those negative thoughts off. Wishing you all the best.
emoticon

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BLACK-PRINCESS 4/21/2011 5:41PM

    emoticon

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PLATSUZIE 4/21/2011 5:26PM

    I wish we could get together for some honey pork chops...the recipe you know. Then we could meditate with a cd I have. Others have commented to you that a peaceful mind is helpful. Dittos to meditation.

The answers are not found without (even in family and other "good" people). The answer is inside...your spirit needs to be calmed, stilled, fed, peaceful then the answers will come.

Isn't that sort of where you went when you stopped and stretched (only to find the overwhelming emotions return). Do you know how to silence your mind? Meditation can help.

Did the gym abandoned you? Or are you trying to abandon yourself? What a busy mind...full of thoughts.

Find your calm (google: EFT or meditation) and put the first foot in front of the other...baby steps again...point the sail in the direction you like to see and head that way. Maybe do yoga at the gym or something "peaceful" minded.

Take yourself there...in the end you may have lots of sparkies and friends but the only one who can really take care of you is the beautiful woman waiting to do so. The one that cares for everyone else but seems to allow herself to abandon you. Look at what she can do to help those she is concerned about. Caringly, gently, take her hand and teach her to be concerned about YOU. emoticon

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SEEHOLZ 4/21/2011 5:16PM

    I think you are an inspiration to so many- sometimes it's okay to scale back just a little and focus on something else whiel maintaining... and/or the need to change it up, so you don't burn out. Do something you love to do - exercise wise- eat something you love to eat that makes you feel healthy and enjoy that feeling.. and then just breath.... it might do wonders at least for a little bit :-)

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MTULLY 4/21/2011 12:51AM

    I have hit that bump in the road as well. So frustrating!!! I thought I had it all figured out and that I was in complete control, but things happened and i managed to get off track - way off track. It does make you question whether or not you can do this. You and I - we both have a choice and it is NOT going to be to give up and go back to where we were. That just leaves the other choice - get back to it! I am thinking that I will go back to what worked for me in the beginning - taking small steps, focusing on one thing at a time, and then I will add to that that as I gain back control. I am starting with drinking the water and having a healthy breakfast each morning. Once I am back to doing that, I will add back the other habits one at a time. Lots of other Sparkers have given you great advice. I am sure you will decide what works for you and get back in the game. You CAN do this!! Just know I am right there with you, cheering you on!

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SERENEART 4/21/2011 12:13AM

    emoticon

I feel your pain and understand that frustration. It's good that your writing about it.

Take a moment to breathe. Maybe if you can't get away plan a staycation.. just take a week and only do those things that are absolutely required. Cut yourself some slack with the gym and yourself. Your healing from an injury. It's okay. Yes, I know when I hear that "It's okay"... I just want to lash back. This is a journey that your on. It doesn't need to be perfect. Life is messy, look at the other things that have happened in this journey besides that number. It's a number and it's not who you are. And yes... I weigh about as much as you. I can't stand that number either... I want it to be less...but it doesn't define me. Do something that brings you some joy this week. Do you have any hobbies that you haven't done in a while? A book that maybe your dieing to read but haven't gotten around to it.

I don't know if this is helping or hurting...but take what you can and leave the rest. You are in my thoughts and prayers that you find some solace. Hang in there! I know you can do this.

emoticon



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KELLYJOSUNSHINE 4/20/2011 10:13PM

    I went through about a year of for-real chemical depression some years ago, and I know how very very hard it is to see that light at the end of the tunnel when you are in the throes of that feeling. Most months, TOM brings me a day or two of "reminder" time, and sometimes I spiral downward for a while.

In an attempt to be helpful to you, I just want to share that the thing that helped the most during those long dark days, and that tends to pull me back out more quickly each month, is to consciously "be in the moment." Rant first! Cry first! (I believe crying is truly good for the soul, like laughter, but only in smaller doses). Then breathe... look around... observe... don't try to change things, just see things for what they are, and let that be okay.

Please pardon me if my well-meaning advice is unwelcome. You are an inspiration to me, and I wanted to be of use to you.

Hugs!

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PANBOOKS 4/20/2011 10:12PM

    Your honesty touches my heart. Since your boots are missing, abandon that tactic and try another one. Try something completly different that you haven't tried before. That may help you with pulling out of the slump.

I am a new subscriber. I wish you well and I will continue to follow. Thanks again for your honesty. All will be well.

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MELLYBEANS0919 4/20/2011 9:24PM

    emoticon Do not give up! You have done soooo well. It seems like you have a lot of stress in your life, maybe you can even get away for a few hours from where you live, just your family? Everyone is rooting for you. We believe in you.

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FIT_BY_FORTY 4/20/2011 8:38PM

    I am glad I am not the only one that feels this way at times. I also weigh in the 330's - 336 to be exact:( I still can't believe it when I see it in black and white. At least you are 48% Body fat... I am 57... that is over half fat! I know what you mean about picking yourself up..It is hard and I hope you do it fast. It would be nice to be in this together with someone around the same amount of weight to lose. I wish I had some great amount of advice to give, but I don't.. just don't give up... it will get worse and if you feel anything like me, you don't want that! ((hugs)) ~Jen

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4EVERADONEGIRL 4/20/2011 8:05PM

    Awwww girlie!!! I have to say that I have felt so much of what you are feeling lately! You want to hear about my mini- breakdown? It started on Tuesday night with an order of Super Fries at the Taco Shop - these consisted of french fries - I mean a HUGE amount of fries...probably 5 servings worth - covered in cheese, sour cream, beans, guacamole and carne asada. Enough food to literally feed several people and I sat there and ate most of it. This is a food that I swore I would never have again...and there I sat and ordered it, there I sat and ate it, there I sat and regretted it. Then last night I ate a bag of Doritos in the car on the way home and I probably enjoyed the first chip, but STILL ate the rest of the bag. Then I got home and ate two mini-cupcakes, three double stuff oreos, a full dinner (not bad - chicken burrito with pinto beans, but the kicker is) another SIX oreos and a cup of milk.

I seriously don't know WHERE that person came from the past couple of days. I feel like I have been hiding her for YEARS and then all of a sudden without barely a blink of an eye, she is back and in charge! It's so frustrating to realize that this journey is F-ING HARD!!! It is a battle basically every single day.

BUT...at the same time, we know what the payoff is. We know how we feel when we are in control of our choices. Even if we can't control life and exercise and some other stuff...we can control our choices in food. We can do this girl. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! We have faith in you!!!

So stand tall and unashamed. You have accomplished much and you are not going to let this beat you! :-)

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MERRIKATE 4/20/2011 5:06PM

    Sending you love and fellowship in this tough patch. ( Your closing instinct to 'be with' your turbulence for a bit might be just the thing to do -- will ease the self-blaming and all that comes with it. Respite follows naturally when we let go of the struggle and give ourself permission to do that. )

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SARAWALKS 4/20/2011 4:34PM

    Enough suggestions, maybe.
One thought...when I set too many goals, I rebel against them & go in opposite direction.
Another personal insight...I have needed time to maintain. Time to discover how to balance, being exactly where I am. Time to figure out what is sustainable and pleasant.
This may not be what YOU need but just sharing what has helped me in my walk.
emoticon You will find your way, I know it.

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HEALTH-E-CLARE 4/20/2011 4:16PM

    Squeeze friend emoticon

Please remember how far you have come. 90 lbs since joining spark is amazing. 5k's 10k's. Please give yourself some major credit.

And here is some some unsolicited advice (so do with it as you would like). You said you were doing great last summer. Can you just duplicate what you did then (meals and exercise) from your spark logs and start there. See if that reignites your flame. Just a thought.

Thanks for sharing, and know that I'm here for you whenever you need it. HUGS

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CANNIE50 4/20/2011 3:58PM

    Lots of good people giving good advice. One thing that occurred to me: be right here, right now. One minute at a time - not in tonight, not in next year, not even in the next hour. Life is hard enough, sometimes, in the present moment - don't borrow trouble ahead. Don't carry the burden before you have to. Sometimes, the only thing I can do is "breathe and pray". I am struggling right now, also. One of the things I love about SP is that people are upfront about their struggles and how they get through them. And, they DO get through them - you have and you will again.

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SLBRANTLEY 4/20/2011 3:10PM

    Sounds like you need a day off from work, at the very least! Even if you can't take any other type of leave, just call in sick and sleep all day, read, watch mindless TV, lurk on Spark, take a long bubble bath, give yourself a mani-pedi and a facial - whatever it takes to rest and re-energize. Don't even tell your family, so you can have the day all to yourself.

I hope you'll feel better soon! emoticon emoticon

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WEEZYB7881 4/20/2011 3:06PM

    thanks for sharing - I know I have those days and times. I'm coming out of such a state right now (I hope). do one small thing today that is right for you -- sleep, a short walk, time with a child or dh. anything that is a success and then let it go. tomorrow do it again. and pretty soon, I promise, you'll be thru this desert and back to the flow of recovery and healing. this is the portaging the canoe part of the journey. hard work. and all we can do is keep trudging.

I hate this part of the journey...it's hard and painful and hurtful. but it's either keep going this way, or jump on the lside downhill to lower than we started.

good luck. i know you can do it

louise


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LOVETOCROCHET5 4/20/2011 2:36PM

    You can do this. I know you can. I know that right now you feel like you are spiraling and the end is no where in sight. You feel hopeless and alone. but we are all here for you. I know I fight some of the same things. Its a constant battle. We have to hold our chins up and just do it as someone said.

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G293537 4/20/2011 2:25PM

    I feel for you, honestly I do because like so many ppl, "been there, done that". Like someone else said, no magic pill, no "easy button" to get rid of all the feelings that go with why we overeat.

You know what to do, you have it down pat, eat healthy, exercise, drink water, etc. etc. That does not mean it is going to be easy or that some days you will just HATE IT, hate that you have to think about it and force yourself to do it.

You have proven over the last year that you have the desire and the fight inside of you. Dig really deep down and find it again, get your big girl boots and pants on and JUST DO IT!

Hopefully after a few days of forcing it back in, it will all seem right again and you'll be ready for the next bout becasue most likely there will be another episode requiring you to be really strong and fight and remember you are fighting for your life, for you.

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IRUNHIKECAMP 4/20/2011 2:05PM

    Look for one good thing today, give yourself credit where credit is due and try to keep building on that. You can do it, you have already shown yourself that and you WILL be able to get back on track! Thinking of you!
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MANLEYSANDY 4/20/2011 1:47PM

    I am sorry you are struggling. I wish, like I am sure all your SP buddies wish, that there was some magical potion or extreme words of wisdom that we could take all this away. With that said, I also believe that there is not one person on this site that can't say they are lost (or a lot lost) and struggle, a great deal of the time. But, you are allowed to be lost, you are allowed to struggle, you are allowed to feel all those things. You are allowed to feel like not exercising, or eating a candy bar. Doing those things does not mitigate all the hard work you have done. It does not take away from you as a person, the wonderful mother, wife and friend you are. As people, (I am VERY guilty of it), we get wrapped up in what we have NOT done, and don't give ourselves enough credit for what we HAVE done. I don't know how many times I have sat down and wrote a blog about something I have done, like avoiding a binge, and the VERY NEXT DAY, I am right back at it. That just means we are human. Don't lose sight of that!

Everything you do here is a success and I am inspired by you. You can do this! Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or next week, but you can do it. Please don't lose sight of everything you have done! That is sooooooooo much more important!

Hugs,
Sandy



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KKINNEA 4/20/2011 12:52PM

    Ease back in with small changes - ensure you take a 10 minute walk every day or get all your water in. As you gain ground back, you should be able to filter all your habits back in - you can do it!

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DETERMINED_SOUL 4/20/2011 12:50PM

    Sounds like a reflection blog to me. I hope you are able to find that control and confidence again.

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REBEKAHJOHNSON 4/20/2011 12:42PM

    Ya know, I've been feeling the same way for two days. I haven't been binge eating, but I definitely could be eating better. I haven't been working out either. I'm blaming mine on my daughter being gone. She's my little buddy; we're always together. My life feels so empty when she's gone to her daddy's. She won't be home for another month. My heart is broken and can't be repaired until her little body is curled up with mine.

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But, I've decided I have to try to get perked back up. I'm going today to get my hair and nails done, then going to do a little shopping. I think it will be a nice change of pace to do something for myself.

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But I still NEEEEED my Doodle back in this house!

So, tonight so I don't get stressed and eat the house down, I'm taking my other daughters to see Rio and then go for a walk at the park on the walking trail after that.

Sometimes a girl just needs that little extra something to keep her day going.

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I hope that you find yours.

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MAGGIEROSEBOWL 4/20/2011 12:26PM

    I think it's like you said in your "One Year on Spark" post, that little devil is always waiting, trying to get in and take over. I think today and yesterday and maybe all last week--he did just that!
I wish I had the secret answer, but I'm just like everybody else, floundering about out here, trying to find my way. Trying to figure out how to live this life and NOT be controlled by that desire to EAT! And I'm talking Chinese buffets here, not apples and celery!
The weight won't come off as quickly anymore. Portion size will need to get smaller, and you will need to cut the total caloric intake, in order to achieve a weight loss, now that you've lost a substantial amount. Exercising will need to increase. I started out about where you are right now, weight-wise. You have already made a great start. I don't know about you--but I don't want to have to lose even a single pound of this weight I have lost--EVER AGAIN! I lost it once and that's enough. I'm going to do whatever it takes to keep it off. Until, of course that little devil rears his ugly head in temptation.
We're never going to be successful 100% of the time. We can only hope for enough success to keep us moving in the right direction. And perhaps it helps to motivate you, to know that anytime we slip, it "un-does" all the good work we have done all week. THAT alone is enough to get me to say NO. I worked too hard for too many days to sabotage myself in one instant of weakness! And I think the MOST IMPORTANT thing to remember, something that was an incredible epiphany for me is this: "I am in control....I have the power." It's all UP TO YOU! Nobody else decides what goes in your mouth, or what exercise you decide to do. ONLY YOU! And you can say NO, I know that you can!

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PRETTYPITHY 4/20/2011 11:52AM

    Wow, thank you for posting this. I've been struggling with similar feelings lately and it is helpful for me to read yours because I can see more clearly on your behalf than I can on my own. You're doing an amazing job! I've had the feelings you're facing and I did fall off. So, do whatever you need to do to get the motivation up or, barring that, just grind it out. Do NOT fall into the trap of beating yourself up, though. We're here for you. emoticon

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KIMMARIE11 4/20/2011 11:42AM

    I was amazed at the difference two days made ... you wrote an incredibly inspirational post just two days ago. I have read it twice and will read it many more times as I go through this process of changing my life. I have been through what you are are going through now (not exactly, but the general idea) and I call it spiraling. One thing starts, the another and then my mind takes over and all of a sudden, life sucks (pardon the word, but it is appropriate) and I am ready to let everything go. It is not that it really does, it is what my mind has created out of simple things that get stacked on top of each other and into the black abyss I go.

I recognize now when this is happening and that is when I step back as you have been encouraged to do and take stock of what is really going on. If something is going on in my relationship with my husband, I deal with it first because that is the most important component of my life. If it is something at work, I take care of that second because I need to work in order to have the life I want to have with my husband. And so it goes, down the list. Ultimately, I see that it is my mind that created the spiral of darkness and not the reality of my life. Then I count my blessings and find that the phase has ended and I am back on track.

You are a blessing, to your family, friends and to those of us here on SP. Your blogs are informative and inspirational. You said you don't know what is going on, what caused some of these emotions. Explore the cause ... that is where to start because your mind has taken whatever that is and exploded it into where you are now. Spiraling is rarely fun, but I am stronger when I come up out of it. You will be too.

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PRANA_DANCER 4/20/2011 11:29AM

    You're not alone. Look at all the responses you've gotten! These people obviously want you to succeed! I don't even know you and I want you to succeed. What's more, I know you can. We all have our low points on this journey; its inevitable. With out the valleys we wouldn't have our gleaming hills. It would just be one, long boring ride that I, personally, would have abandoned.

Trust the process. Track your food, do 10 minutes of exercise a day and drink your water. Start out small again if you feel like you've fallen off the wagon. You can do this!

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JUMPINTHRUHOOPS 4/20/2011 11:28AM

    Go back and look at the photos you've posted, and your motivational posters. Read your own blogs that celebrated the successes, and the high you were on. Fight for it! You can do it!

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CECE0330 4/20/2011 10:55AM

    emoticon OK, so first things first: You have lost a lot of weight already. You KNOW how to do this. You ARE capable, and your body IS responding. BUUUUUT...this lifestyle change is a continuing education. People who have been successful on this site more often than not 1) have been here for a LONG LONG TIME (years) and 2) HAVE HAD SETBACKS ALONG THE WAY! There are good cycles and bad. It took me TWO YEARS to hit my stride and make some true progress. Before that, I was my own worst enemy: losing 10lbs only to gain back 5. I repeated that cycle for 2 years, netting a loss in that time of 20lbs. (I mean I LOST like 70, but freaking gained back 50! Ugh)

Hormones are a real killer. They do me in time and time again. But one thing I have noticed is: When I am working out consistently, I feel 100% better. They don't hit me nearly as hard. When I give in to the sugar cravings, the monster awakens and I need MORE MORE MORE until I'm on sugar overload & feeling like crap.

The only way I can pull myself out of these funks is to fake it til I make it: Today, determine that you WILL accomplish something that will make you feel good. Go to the gym, even if every fiber of your being is screaming NOT to. I'm sure there aren't many people who get done working out and think: Dang, I should have skipped that & sat on my butt instead. No! You feel GOOD for having done it, especially when you had to fight yourself to get there in the first place! Do the same thing tomorrow. Set a goal for that day. Drink your water to flush your system of the bloating, and in a week or so, you WILL feel better.

Hang in there, you aren't alone. We all might be at different weights, but we're all fighting the same fight here. One day at a time!

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CALLIKIA 4/20/2011 10:16AM

    I AM stuck with the same trainer and the same gym as per my insurance company's program. And I'm not willing to shell out more money when we're already tight enough on money to begin with. And my physical therapy appointment is TOMORROW. And I've tried a million weekend things to break the funk but nothing works because it's just another thing I HAVE to do - another thing to schedule -- Friday: "Family Time" It's annoying!

Comment edited on: 4/20/2011 10:17:59 AM

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LOTUSFLOWER 4/20/2011 10:01AM

    emoticon You are not alone. We have each gone through this, this self doubt and sabotage. Don't let this derail you. You ARE strong. You are going to reach your goals. You will live without restrictions. You are doing it. It is just a day, a week, just a short period of time that you feel you have come off the track. Venting is good, don't you feel lighter already? This is just a moment of many that are the more unpleasant side of this weight loss journey we are on. Dust yourself off and get back on the train. YOU are worth it. You are special and you are going to make GREAT things happen. emoticon

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ANGEREDMONKEY 4/20/2011 10:01AM

    You can do this! Look how far you have come! We all feel like this at some point, especially those of us who have been doing this for such a long time. I started at 330 in 2007, last October I reached 230 then I quit smoking and the Holidays hit and I went back up to 270... at that point I felt exactly what you have described here. The thing is you just have to keep moving. We will all fall off sometimes, but instead of using that to beat yourself up, use it to motivate you more, to push harder. You only have 30 pounds to go and you are under 300! That isn't far off! The weight limit on a zipline is 260lbs, You can be there by next year! Use that as your motivation: start an adventure day fund. Put aside just $10 a week and by this time next year you will have saved $520. Ziplining in WV is $80 per person for a full day, so $520 will cover your whole family plus you will have enough left over to buy the photos afterwards!

When you have the urge to snack take a minute before you put anything in your mouth and remind yourself that smaller clothes will feel so much better than that snack will taste! Compare the calories you are about to consume with what you burned at the gym - do you really want to undo all the hard work you did for the day?

It is such a mental rollercoaster - I know - I have been on it my entire life. My biggest downfalls have always been after binge regret which leads to more binging. I fall off because I HAVE to have that cookie or the entire box of cookies and then I feel like I have completely ruined everything and so I eat more and more because, why not? If I already derailed myself what is one more bite? But that is where you have to put in your head that just because you fell down, you ate something you shouldn't or skipped the gym one day or gained a pound etc... that hasn't foiled your entire mission, you just have to choose to get back up and keep going like nothing ever happened. You can do this!

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SPMCCANN 4/20/2011 9:56AM

  "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. " ~Mary Anne Radmacher

I hope writing the blog got all the negativity out of your system. You are not alone.We all have bad days or weeks. You are making progress. Have faith in yourself you are stronger than you think.

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SIRENICAL 4/20/2011 9:51AM

    I just finished reading your post about year one with spark people. Read it again yourself! You are strong, you are motivated, you can do it.
Don't beat yourself up for a bad day, a bad week, or even a bad month. Take a deep breath and listen to your body. You took some time to do some stretching at work, but stopped because you thought you had enough. Next time keep going until your body tells you that it has had enough. That was a HUGE step in helping yourself get back on track.
If your trainer isn't returning your calls, call again. If they still don't, find someone else who will. There is no need to feel stuck with the same trainer.
If you want to get back in to physical therapy, call and make an appointment! I know you have one coming up, but make it for sooner, don't wait as long. Take control, it is yours to have.
If your nutritionist is having a baby and unavailable for an indefinite amount of time, find a new one for the time being. Ask her office for recommendations in the interim.
Don't force the "fun stuff" on weekends. Perhaps renting a movie and all pilling on the couch together with some popcorn is a way to spend time together without stressing out. Going for a walk to see how many birds and squirrels you can see. Keep it simple and you will find it more relaxing hopefully!
Just a reminder too, this is unchartered territory for you: "I'm just about as small as I was when I graduated high school...now we're moving into uncharted territory (and that can be frightening!)"
Remember, you can do it! Perhaps it will be a slower journey right now, that is ok.
If you ever need a bit of motivation, give me a shout!

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KARVY09 4/20/2011 9:41AM

    Esther, just because you're having a rough time right now doesn't mean that you're giving up or that this last year has been a waste. You have accomplished so much and seen and done so many things. Going to Vegas and going to Minnesota were things that you needed to do for YOU at the time. You are a great mom and a great wife but you need to cut yourself a little slack. We all feel lost and abandoned at certain times in our lives. You wrote it out, and you can move on.

No regrets. Learn and move on.
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DANSMOMTPM2 4/20/2011 9:40AM

    Esther babe, you got to get ahold of yourself! If I was there, I would get ahold of you. Listen, beating yourself up isn't helping. You need to stop and re-group. Take a look at your pictures, remember who it is you want to be. Wow- you have made an amazing transformation, be proud of that. And we all screw up, we all have bad days. I am not letting you give up on yourself. So - what to do now? Sit down and set yourself realistic goals - and then start. Can you get someone to work out with you??? If not, then make yourself an inspirational music playlist and get to work. I run alone, and at times it can be lonely, but just keep telling yourself, you are doing this for YOU! (and those boys of yours). God doesn't give us more than we can handle, and trust me, you can handle this. If you need to talk, shoot me an email!!! Hang in there girl - this too shall pass. emoticon

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Catching Up: Days 4, 5, & 6

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

I will not abandon another goal I set for myself. I said 12 days of reflections and I will do them. I'm in a better place already after doing days 1-3, but I'm still needing some work, as my anger last night at the gym and subsequent eating marathon at LJS last night can attest to. (See, a year in and I *STILL* make mistakes. The difference is that I admit them, move on, and keep going.)

Day 4 - Reflecting on July 19-August 20 (2010)

The month started with me excited about some changes...like my rings starting to be loose on my fingers. It's true, in January I had a guy at the jewelry store measure my ring finger. It was at about an 8.5...and I think I'm down to an 8 now. When I got married 9 years ago, the ring we bought for that finger was a size 10.


July 19, 2010 - had to stack another ring (size 9) on top of my wedding band so it didn't fall off.


After a while, that wasn't working because the size 9 ring was too big. Most days I wear them like this - ESPECIALLY when it's cold outside. The wedding band cannot be resized, but if I could find the paperwork from when we bought it, we have a lifetime warranty on it and they'd have to order me in a copy in the new size. As a reward of sorts, I've been on Hubs to get me a new ring as well. I thought he would get me one for our anniversary this year (major fail - he went to WalMart at 11pm the night before our anniversary and bought me a fountain thing for my desk at work *facepalm*). But next year is 10 years and you had better believe I will be on him from November until February 2nd (our anniversary) to get me a an anniversary band. I'm not asking for any more than I've been willing to give since I replaced the ring that no longer fits him (he wears his wedding band on a necklace now) a few years ago with a beautiful new ring. (Of course, the other day I realized he had gotten confused and put it on his right hand. I smacked him! ...*lol* not really, I just called him a dork and made him fix it.) So - next year, buster! February 2, 2012. There had BETTER be a beautiful anniversary ring waiting for me!

Also that month:
* I talked myself into putting positive or even combative thoughts in the heads of other people at the gym...thoughts that would spur me to do better, go faster, and be stronger. And it worked!
* I had some bad days...and some good ones too.

I also talked a lot about goals...which I realized yesterday I've confused one too many times with expectations. You see, that post yesterday you all liked so much? It wasn't the post I have been wanting to write for the past 11 months or so. Somewhere in my head I made an expectation for myself that, in order to be successful, I had to be able to post that I had lost 100 pounds in 1 year with SP. And when I realized I wouldn't reach that mark...I had a bit of a meltdown. It didn't help when I realized that others had done it - friends who started with me posted their 100 pounds in a year posts and instead of being happy for them, I turned on myself. "See, Loser? You couldn't do it, but they could! You suck! You've done nothing this year. A year wasted!"

Can you believe I talked to myself like that? *ashamed*

What the heck is my problem? 90 pounds is nothing? A year sticking to it again is nothing? Plus, this isn't my first time at the rodeo, clown! I started way back in 2004, when I worked to lose my first 100 pounds. I started this whole 'weight loss/get healthy' thing at 466.6 pounds, so really I have lost 140 pounds since my highest weight. ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY POUNDS, people! I lost a person already! It took me years to do, but I have no plan to ever find those 140 pounds again...go ahead and make another person out of them, kthnxbye!

I need to remember to set GOALS for myself, not expectations. I have to remember that my body doesn't always do what I want it to do. I have to remember that I can't be perfect all the time. And I have to remember too that even if I don't meet the goals I set, it does not diminish the work I have put in to get where I am. Good or bad, I made those decisions. I need to learn from them and move on.

One thing that I do want to take with me from that month - I actually wrote out a committment to myself for the month of August. It was beautiful and a great way to gain some focus. I must remember to revive this practice.

August was a HUGE month for me. I did my first 5k where I met my first Sparkie, SPUNKYDUCKY, a girl that has inspired me beyond measure.
I earned my very first popular blog post for "51 Things Spark Taught Me - A Pound for Pound Wrap-Up"
www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_jo
urnal_individual.asp?blog_id=3522066

I was nominated a SP Motivator and was Done Girl of the Day.
And then I went and did something crazy and started training for a 10k.
I was a walking, talking, posting, exercising, fitness-loving machine of awesomeness. I must never forget that. Plus, I can't forget that even during that time of "highs" I had lows now and again...but I managed through.

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Day 5: August 19-September 18

All the highs of August brought a lull of lows. I wrote that I felt like a deflated balloon. I struggled with consistency. I struggled with wanting to run and being unable to, and with feeling like the soreness I felt (and feel) every day was beyond what anyone could endure, and that caused me many times to just give up and skip the workout for a day when I should've put in a little work. I finally declared war on myself and the scale. I needed a resurgence of willpower. I struggled with the misconceptions I had of other people, and made a bunch of confessions. But by struggling through and making myself do it. By calling upon my inner Jillian, I lost 5.6 pounds the first week of my "war." Impressive, right?!

It was a lesson in how "phoning it in" is always better than "letting the answering machine get it." ;)

And by the end of that month, I had walked a 10k and then got asked to be a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding the following year (now it's just months away...start the freak out! ;) ).

It's important that I remember August and September...because I seem to be repeating them in a different way. And what I need to remember is that I fought my way through it, and I can do that again. The inner demons don't have to win, but when they do, I don't have to believe it's any reason to quit. Back on the horse. Off we go again. We can DO this if we give ourselves a fighting chance.

"It doesn't get easier, we just get better."

I honestly believe that.

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Day 6: September 19-October 18

The month started off like this: "I didn't want to...but I did."

I need some more of that in my life right now! What else do I need? More humor!!
If you didn't get a chance to read it before, read this hilarious blog!
www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_jo
urnal_individual.asp?blog_id=3661946

AHAHAHAHA! Ironic I'd see that today since I woke up this morning with cramps so bad I was doubled over most of the morning as I tried to get ready for work.

I want to laugh again. I want to enjoy with humor the bad times that crop up. I think I've forgotten lately how powerful smiles and belly laughs are. I think it might be time for a weekend movie marathon of the funniest movies I can think of and track down. I think it might be time for tickle fights and games of tag, and swinging! I want to swing at the playground!

Last night I got super angry at the gym. I tried to call Hubs when I was about 10 minutes out to ask if he was going to meet me. He didn't answer. When I got to the gym, he pulled up behind me and honked at me, and we had a mock little fight in the parking lot wherein I "kicked" his car and he called me a witch. And then we laughed. But not moments later I was steaming. My gym up and decided to close down the kids playroom without informing ANY of the patrons. Hell, the girl at the front desk didn't even know what was going on. She didn't know why it was closed or when or even IF it would reopen. It's this HUGE mystery and it pisses me off because it means Hubs and I don't get our special gym time. He said he had to leave (to take the kids home) and I wanted to punch someone. I knew getting through a workout would be REALLY hard after that. He's been a huge help getting me through my workouts lately and I NEEDED him last night.

Three minutes later we met each other outside. I didn't WANT to workout there. I wanted my damn money back because they've been acting horrible there lately. The people are nice, but there is just this atmosphere of "you don't matter" around there. Plus, the way the PT always talks down to me, and her inability to even SHOW UP for our appointments, and the fact that I KNOW she's not doing everything she's supposed to do - I was SO angry I knew I wouldn't be able to stay. "Screw this!" I thought. I had already swiped my card for the insurance company, I was free to go...go spend time working out WITH my family.

I met Hubs as he was coming in to tell me they would wait outside for me. I told him that we were leaving that stupid place and going up to the park for some tennis. I put my watch on and promised myself I'd do 30 minutes and I'd be okay with that. I did about 35, actually. And I was actually starting to get BETTER as time went on! *lol* And I burned a lot of calories. SO :P gym.

Even though I followed that with WAY too much greasy food at LJS after, I feel like I won last night. Instead of giving up completely, I changed the plans. I flipped the script and actually enjoyed myself even more!

Live. Laugh. Love. --- All THREE are important. I MUST remember that.

And, for the record, and since I'm reflecting upon October of 2010, I should remind myself that this is the month that I "half-ran" TWO 5ks in a week. One on Sunday, another on Saturday. With family. With Sparkers. With my dog. And I felt like a champ!

So maybe it was the training that got me through it all. Or maybe, just maybe, it was the fun and laughter and joy. The ability to look on the bright side of things and make the most out of a bad situation. As I continue through my life, I hope to take this lesson with me. -- nothing is as fun as laughing with kids, friends, and family. NOTHING.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TEAM-SARAH 4/19/2011 2:06PM

    I'm sorry to hear they closed down the kids room... what a huge blow to people like you and your husband who rely on that to get a workout in! I hope it's back up and running for you soon. In the meantime... I have a feeling you'll be just fine without it :)

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SUGIRL06 4/19/2011 2:01PM

    I wear my rings on my middle finger too :) I will get them fitted eventually!
~Ang

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BAREFOOT-LISA 4/19/2011 1:54PM

    "It was a lesson in how "phoning it in" is always better than "letting the answering machine get it." ;) "

That is so PERFECT! I will have to remember that next time I want to skip bootcamp class because I am embarrassed that I cannot complete all of the stations!. Wow. Thanks.

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CAROBEAR1 4/19/2011 11:34AM

    I loved the pics of the rings...I too went from ring finger to middle finger to now a safe place in a drawer to get re-sized or re-done...but not 'til I'm sure I'm done losing!!

My replacement is a simple ring from Tiffany's that I plan to wear on my middle finger if it gets too big!!

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KKINNEA 4/19/2011 10:36AM

    Thanks, I needed a reminder on live, laugh and love today.

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Voted Popular Blog Post: View All Popular Posts

What I Learned in One Year on SP

Monday, April 18, 2011

emoticon Water is a beautiful, wonderful amazing thing. Find a way to get your glasses in in the beginning and by the time a year is up, you won't know how you ever lived life without it. You'll go to bed knowing instinctively by how your body feels whether you gave it enough water or not.

emoticon You DO NOT have to learn to hate food. You DO NOT have to rely upon tasteless recipes or pre-packaged foods. With enough searching and trial and error you can find tasty, delicious and completely healthy recipes that the ENTIRE family will enjoy. Honey Garlic Pork Chops anyone? Ooh, or how about some herb grilled salmon and roasted vegetables? Yes, please!

emoticon This guy never, never, never leaves. Sometimes you're able to get around him. Sometimes you can actually use him to your advantage. But sometimes you give in and you feel the F word coming on. Ignore it. Crap happens. You WILL have good days and bad days. You WILL fall down. At some point you will consider giving up. But if you just remember to get up and keep trying, scraped knees and all, every single time, YOU will eventually win.

emoticon Sometimes you have to put up a battle against all the inner demons. Sometimes you have to create a battle plan to combat those days when you just "don't feel like it." You may not be fond of calling it "war on yourself" but think of it this way - it's war on all the bad habits you've picked up over time, all the things you've become comfortable with just ignoring. Sometimes you have to build the path ahead through the muck and brush before you find pavement and civilization once again.

emoticon The scale does not mean a hill of beans in this game. In a world dominated by numbers - clothing size, shoe size, annual salary, and, yes, weight - we hinge all our hopes on silly things that are far beyond our complete control. If you want to pay attention to numbers pay attention to these - miles walked/run/biked, minutes spent exercising, number of healthy meals added to your regular routine, number of fresh veggies and fruits consumed in a day, number of glasses of water, amount of push-ups in one minute, pounds of extra weight on the leg press machine, heaviness of the dumbbells you're curling, etc.

emoticon Keep your friends close. When you feel like you're all alone, branch out and be there for someone else. Somehow, that makes what you're going through that much easier. Somehow, by lifting someone else up when you're feeling down, you find yourself pulling out of the slump you feel like you're in. When you're too far in your own head, force yourself to focus on others and you'll find some clarity.

emoticon Be generous and kind to yourself. Turn the negatives to positives because positive reinforcements hold up so much better under the weight of the world. Make your life a stroke of positivity that others can follow. And when the negative monster bites you in the butt, pull out the positive laser gun and give him a taste of his own medicine. There are two sides to every story...be on your side.

emoticon Learn to take a compliment. Don't twist peoples words around to something negative. Don't put words in their mouths or heads. That's not at all fair to them or to you! How would you like it if you approached a friend and said, "Oh my! You look great!" and she wigged out on you? Don't be the person you can't stand to be around. A simple thank you and a return compliment do just fine. "Thanks! I'm loving these shoes you're wearing! So stylish!"

emoticon You WILL make mistakes. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can get over the fear of the possibility of making them.

emoticon Heavy lifting is one of the best ways to get your body into tip-top shape. However, be kind to yourself because the weight may not adjust as you want it. Like me, you may end up gaining 1/2 a pound from February to April, but if you take a closer look, you'll realize that all of what you gained PLUS SOME is muscle. You're leaner and smaller, even if the scale says you've stayed the same weight. Do not get discouraged. If you are continuing to increase your reps or weight, you are improving and building lean muscle.

emoticon Sushi can be delicious AND nutritious. Just stay away from cream cheese and understand that avacado, while healthy as all get out, still packs a good punch of calories and fat in comparison to other choices.

emoticon Do the thing you fear you cannot. And do it until you can. One year ago I could not hold a plank at all. Getting in plank position was pretty much impossible. Now I'm gaining on a 2-minute plank time. How? I just kept trying.

emoticon Figure out what kind of exercises and activities will take you through EVERY season. Don't fall victim to the "too cold" excuse. Find something you can do in the snow - even if it's just shoveling or building a snow angel.

emoticon The gym will not lose your weight for you. You must show up and do the work. And don't think that a gym is even required. Make the world your gym. Roll down a hill. Go for a hike. Row across a lake. Swim, jog, run, walk, skip, jump, whatever. The only excuse that always works is, "I'm dead."

emoticon Find your calm, and use it. After serious panic attacks all week, I'm realizing that I need that time back - that time of peace and calm and me, without worrying about what I still need to do, who needs to be paid, what needs to go where, who needs to be dropped off and picked up and taken to the doctor and whatever. I need that time...and I'm still working on figuring out how to get it.

emoticon You hear how important sleep is all the time, but we've built up this image that those who need the least amount of sleep are somehow better, more productive. Ignore that idea. Sleep is amazing. Sleep is necessary. And enough sleep will make you unstoppable!

emoticon There will always be another opportunity for cake, donuts, etc. Stop thinking "well, it's here, and I don't know when it will be here again, so I better eat it now." Stop that crazy talk. It's your son's birthday? Who cares? There is no way your son is going to have a crappy year just because you didn't finish off half of his birthday cake. There will always be another opportunity. What's better, there are always ingredients at the store - you can make your own...and make it healthy or vegan and feel better about yourself. St. Patty's day will go off just fine without green beers or Shamrock Shakes. Easter will not fall apart without chocolate peanut butter eggs. Fourth of July will not end all the fireworks if you pass on the beefy hot dog and slip in some grilled chicken. I promise!

emoticon Plans are an excellent tool...but knowing how to make a back-up plan in a hurry if things fall apart? That is invaluable!

emoticon And finally - the tools are there, you just have to use them. Period.

1 Year with SP
90 pounds lost
From 416 to 326 pounds
Over 45 inches lost in hips, thigh, waist, neck, upper arm, and calf alone
Size 30 to a size 24
Unsure and sad to confident and proud
5 races finished
30 minute miles to 16 minute miles (walking)
Zumba
Rowing
Circuit Training
Boxing
Running injured
Yoga and flexibility
Kids that cook vegetables because they want to.
Husbands that just smile when they see you and can't stop telling you how beautiful you are and always have been.

Here's to a body fat % under 50%!
Here's to a lowered BMI!
And HERE is to not caring about any number as much as I care about how I feel in my mind, body, and spirit!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SALSA_DIVA_44 4/26/2011 10:54PM

    LOVE IT emoticon

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SALSA_DIVA_44 4/26/2011 10:54PM

    LOVE IT emoticon

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SALSA_DIVA_44 4/26/2011 10:54PM

    LOVE IT emoticon

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BETTA13 4/25/2011 11:47PM

    Yay!! You've got it made. Proud of you!

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STREAKFREAK 4/25/2011 9:53PM

    emoticon

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MISSY0009 4/25/2011 12:37PM

    Thank you sooo much! I needed this today!!!

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HSMOM2FOUR 4/24/2011 11:01PM

    awesome. Awesome. AWESOME.

nothing else to be said.


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DELGADITA69 4/24/2011 9:27PM

    Amazing and inspiring! Thanks for sharing it. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SANSANDY1 4/24/2011 11:12AM

    Amazing, thanks

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ZOEYBLU 4/24/2011 10:56AM

    Very inspiring !
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SUSANB1452 4/23/2011 6:51AM

  Amazing I'm new and excited to far here!

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CINNAMONCAT9 4/23/2011 1:33AM

    Great reading alllllll the way through. Thanks so much.

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KWILLIAMS55 4/22/2011 1:31PM

    emoticon

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MAUREEN912 4/22/2011 12:17PM

    Thank you ... I look forward to my first year!!

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KATEINMICHIGAN 4/22/2011 10:58AM

    WOWWWWW!

I heart you!

Seriously? My eyes teared up a bit. I am SO impressed and proud that you said all that and that you DID all that.

And you run? Sigh. OK. Dammit. I'll try.

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MOWEIGHTLOSS 4/22/2011 10:41AM

    Thank you sooooo much for sharing! Very encouraging! Keep up the great work you are doing for yourself, your life and even your family! God bless you! emoticon emoticon

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GLC2009 4/22/2011 2:06AM

    EXCELLENT!!!!!!!!

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BACKTOMEAGAIN25 4/21/2011 11:29PM

  Thank You! This blog was amazing to read. Inspiring pearls of wisdom. You've come along way girl!!! Keep up the great work.

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MRMAHANOY 4/21/2011 11:03PM

  This was inspiring.

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CARSTEVE123 4/21/2011 10:21PM

    Thanks for this post and all your great insight! As a relative newbie, I appreciate the tips you share. And congrats - that's so amazing!

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MOMOF3NEWYORK 4/21/2011 9:27PM

    WoWoW! good for you! so many terrific insights - thanks for sharing! and keep up the GREAT work!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DWILLI06 4/21/2011 7:47PM

  Well said! Wow you have done so wonderful, congratulations! emoticon

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CHRISKENANDKIDS 4/21/2011 7:14PM

    Very well said!

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PATTY267 4/21/2011 6:14PM

    Wow! What a wonderful story that brings hope to us all. You worked hard, endured the pain, pushed through the obstacles, and can now wear the crown of victory. Doesn't success smell sweet! Keep up the good work.
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TAKINBACKMYBODY 4/21/2011 4:56PM

    LOVE LOVE LOVE this blog!!! -Shanna emoticon

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MSBTERFLY 4/21/2011 4:39PM

    emoticon emoticon

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ICNWTBS 4/21/2011 3:28PM

    This is a wonderful blog. Thank you so much for sharing all that you have learned.

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MARMAT23 4/21/2011 12:37PM

  Thank you for your comments and thoughts to seriously consider.
While reading the beginning I thought, "Sure, this is someone who has reached their final goal and they are filled with confidence to keep in shape as well as share their success with others." I am even more impressed to read that you are someone who is filled with confidence, has reached a goal for a lifestyle change and to feel good about yourself where you are right now, and to keep going not for numbers on the scale but for health. I, even though I am a stranger to you, am proud to know you have come this far and are continuing to value yourself enough to work toward health. Thank you for sharing--I have about 120 pounds to take off. I hope to have your strength, confidence and drive to get there. Thank you.

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PVP1958 4/21/2011 12:00PM

    Now THAT was a blog worth reading. Thanks so much for being so open and for sharing your lessons learned. emoticon

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SARAHBELL1234 4/21/2011 11:46AM

    Super inspiring post. Thanks for sharing! emoticon

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BLANCA_NIEVE 4/21/2011 11:43AM

  Congrats on all your success!

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CMPEARL 4/21/2011 9:54AM

    What a fantastic post...congratulations and thank you for sharing your success. So many good points on here...you are well on your way to your goals! emoticon

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DIANA_IS_BACK 4/21/2011 9:29AM

    I love this post. I am going to print it out and put it on my refrigerator for those days when I feel discouraged.

Thank You!

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SWEETPEACH24 4/21/2011 9:14AM

    Congratulations! emoticon emoticon

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WOMANCHEF 4/21/2011 8:49AM

    This is fabulous! Thanks for sharing. emoticon

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KZWERS33 4/21/2011 1:58AM

  Totally awesome blog!! Plan to print and put it where I can read it often! Thank you!!

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SERENITYKC 4/21/2011 12:40AM

    Thank you so much for posting this! I'm approaching 10 weeks of choosing health and your words are so comforting and inspirational.

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EMILIE740 4/21/2011 12:17AM

    You are truly an inspiration. I agree 100% with everything you've written. Keep up the awesome blog!!

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MTULLY 4/21/2011 12:08AM

    I will be printing a copy of this blog so I can keep it handy. So inspiring! Many thanks for sharing your thoughts.

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TINA5318 4/20/2011 10:59PM

    Wow. Wow. Wow. That was awesome!!! Thank you!! and congrats!

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CHAR1970 4/20/2011 10:20PM

    These are lessons we all need to learn. Thank you for opening my eyes to them again! Congrats on your successes.

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KIMBERKINS67 4/20/2011 10:01PM

    Thank you for sharing your journey. It hit home about the peanut butter eggs they are my favorite. I've been observing Lent and I said that i would have a peanut butter egg as soon as it was over. Now I will rethink my choice. thanks again for sharing. You are an awesome inspiration. Keep up the great Job!!!

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LADYANDREA2012 4/20/2011 9:57PM

    Wow, congratulations!!! You inspire me!!!! Keep going on and keep sharing this great blogs!!!! I added you as my friend, I hope you do not mind.

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KELLYJOSUNSHINE 4/20/2011 9:48PM

    Thank you SO much for your time putting these thoughts out to the world. You are a force for good and for a positive outlook!

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JENNYLENNON 4/20/2011 9:17PM

    Great blog! I had a rough day and this is exactly what I needed to read. Thanks, you made my night!

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SHARE_MY_WORLD_ 4/20/2011 9:00PM

    Wow one of the greatest encouraging blog I have read yet! Way to go and stay a motivator because that is what you have done for me.....no time for feeling sorry or sad because I didn't lose what I thought I would last week, now it the time to think about the present eating healthy feeling healthy, thin and great! Wow I am glad I did not get back on the wagon! Been feeling sorta down all week and your blog has helped to give me new light!!!

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MELLYBEANS0919 4/20/2011 8:56PM

    Great blog! I love your point about holidays/events not falling apart because you did not eat something. Thank you! I needed to hear this. Also, congrats on all of your accomplishments!!!

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KARENE10 4/20/2011 6:53PM

    Great Blog! Great advice!

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NEENSTER1 4/20/2011 6:48PM

    Amen! You learned a lot in a year. emoticon emoticon emoticon for sharing. emoticon

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ANGELAMELIA 4/20/2011 4:39PM

    This is a totally inspiring blog! I've just started out on SP and losing weight as well as trying to change my lifestyle, so that I can keep off the lost weight and feel more confident about myself!

The things that you have learnt I hope to learn as well - I want to be able to think back a year ago and the massive change it has been.

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Plan for Yr2 Wk1

Monday, April 18, 2011

emoticon Food:
* Chicken and Broccoli Alfredo
* Cassoulet
* "Fried" Tofu and Rice
* Stuffed Red Peppers
* Herb Salmon Filets with Veggies

emoticon Lunches:
* Leftovers
* Lunchmeat sandwiches
* Salads

emoticon Cardio Workouts:
Monday - 30m Cardio Circuit
Tuesday - 45m "spinning"
Wednesday - 30m Cardio Circuit
Thursday - 45m "spinning"
Friday - 30-45m Cardio Circuit or Walking or Tennis
Saturday - 30m Cardio Circuit or Walking or Tennis

Cardio Circuits can include 10-15 minutes of each:
* Boxing
* Rowing
* Walking (TM)
* Elliptical (moderate)
* Stationary Bike

emoticon Strength Workouts:
Monday - Arms
Tuesday - Legs
Wednesday - Rest
Thursday - Back/Chest/Abs
Friday - Legs
Saturday - Arms

OR
Monday - Full Body
Tuesday - Rest
Wednesday - Full Body
Thursday - Rest
Friday - Full Body
Saturday - Rest

emoticon Exercises for this week:
Arms
1) Incline Bench Press
2) Dumbbell Preacher Curls
3) Barbell Tricep Extensions
4) Planks and Pushups

Legs
1) Leg Press
2) Calf Raises on Leg Press Machine
3) Squats
4) Lunges

Back/Chest
1) Barbell Incline Press
2) Dumbbell Incline Fly
3) T-Bar Row
4) Seated Cable Row

Abs
1) Hyperextensions
2) Crunch
3) Bicycle Crunch
4) Crunch with Twist

Just trying to plan out my week. TOM hit, so I'm feeling AWFUL today. Going to take me a lot to push through this week, but it explains a lot of why I've felt so hungry lately. If I use this week to my advantage and get back on track, it could seriously help me bounce back into a state of progress. Need to ride this wave to my 100 pound lost mark! And I know after reflections on the last year that the best way to do that is for me to just buckle down and start fighting. HARD!

And, I've been working on a "year with SP" blog for today, but the pressure and ALL the stuff I want to say is clouding my head. So, until then, I'm just logging what the plan is for this week.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PLATSUZIE 4/21/2011 5:33PM

    Whew, that plan wears me out just reading. Awesome that you know your meals so far in advance. How can you do anything but succeed with such a well laid out map? You've invested lots of time and energy getting here...

I pray you can find peace here and "allow" the good to follow. Don't force this. Nuture youself as you would your newest baby...with gentleness and small but positive expectations.

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TURKEYCALLER 4/20/2011 5:57PM

    Great plan!

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CANNIE50 4/19/2011 4:52PM

    Well, having just read your "year with SP blog", clearly you pushed through and then some - you are impressive and the blog was amazing. I look forward to reading more from you. emoticon

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SUGIRL06 4/19/2011 1:57PM

    Hope you are feeling less cloudy! Good plan!
~Ang

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TEAM-SARAH 4/18/2011 4:48PM

    Impressive!! Keep up that kind of routine I know you'll be blowing past the 100 pound mark!

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