Sunday, April 10, 2011
Weight today: 325.6 pounds
And today we start again. Like we do every day. But I need today to be different. Yes, times have been hard...but I will be HARDER. I will fight and make this happen because I LIKE who I'm becoming, and I want to be the girl that goes out for a hike, who likes to have fun - ACTIVE fun. I want to reach my goals and I don't want to waste my time thinking about where I'm not for the sake of not achieving what I could achieve if I thought about what I could do TODAY to get there.
The plan is simple.
Workouts - 30m cardio - ANY cardio - M-Saturday
30m ST 3x a week
Consume 1900-2200 calories a day
Drink 8-10 glasses of water per day
PLAN! for the week
Sunday - OFF
Monday - 30m Stationary Bike or Cardio Circuit, ST
Tuesday - Zumba, if possible, at least 30m
Wednesday - 30m Stationary Bike or Cardio Circuit, ST
Thursday - Zumba, if possible, at least 30m
Friday - 30m Stationary Bike or Cardio Circuit, ST
Saturday - Boxing Lesson #4
Food for the Week
Kale Tofu Stir Fry with Brown Rice
Count EVERY calorie.
Measure! Measure! Measure!
I'm pretending today is the day I start SP. I can say one thing about this past week or so. I ate off plan. I didn't follow it exactly. I overate some days. But I hovered around the same weight all the time. If I can maintain in the crappy way I'm doing now, then losing shouldn't be so hard.
Weight Goal for next week - 323 pounds
Hopefully by the end of April I'm back to 320 and ready to move down beyond that.
If I keep working hard, I can be in Deuceland by the wedding in July. I don't care if I'm 299, I just want to be in DEUCELAND by then.
That's 3 months and 26 pounds. 14 weeks. About 2 pounds a week.
It's a good goal, and I have to remember that every day I work toward it is a day of winning.
1900-2200 calories a day.
30m of cardio 6x a week (even if it's just a walk with the dog)
30m of ST 3x a week
8-10 glasses of water a day
It's not about how many pounds I've lost.
It's not about how many pounds I could've lost.
It's about today. Doing my best TODAY.
Working the program each and every day.
Doing the best that I can.
Maybe my body needed the time off my mind demanded.
But today is THE DAY to get going again.
Nine years ago today I was nearly bedridden and had bad PPD.
I didn't care about much of anything concerning what I wanted my life to be like.
My baby had been born and I just wanted to disappear into a wall with him.
It was a special, but a sad time.
Today my baby is 9 years old. (He turned 9 on Tuesday.)
He is strong. He cares about "fueling his body" with food.
He knows about treats in moderation.
He loves to workout with me. He's training to be a great athlete - a football player.
He loves doing 5ks and 10ks and he never considers that he has to run them. Walking them is enough for him because he knows that finishing is all that matters.
And I was the one who helped teach those values to him. *pride*
Let me get this out - today is going to be a challenge.
Party today for his birthday includes cake, ice cream, chips and cookies.
I MUST ignore them all.
I must focus on the weight bench in the corner and remember that eating cake today will not help me achieve my goals.
I don't NEED cake. I already had some this week.
I don't need chips. I already had some this week.
And I have ice cream here at home that will fit into my plan just fine. I can have a serving every single night if I want, if I fit it into my plan.
Yesterday he begged for bacon and sausage to go with some eggs and toast.
But he bought turkey bacon. Yes, HE picked that out. I can be smart and still enjoy this family meal.
Don't make it more difficult than it is, Esther.
It either fits in the plan or it doesn't.
This isn't a diet, it's life. Live it smartly!
Saturday, April 09, 2011
Thank you all for your comments on my Step 1 blog. Yes, my head has been a mess. And, yes, I've been thinking over what I can do to get past that. I haven't worked out in two days. I haven't been following any plan other than thinking on what I can do to change where I'm at and figuring out what my reasons are for continuing. Sometimes it's important to step back and remember life before and life now so you can see where your life is going.
Let's address the first issue - devaluing myself.
HEATHER_TEACHAH said it best. "Esther, do you think this is a projection because YOU undervalue YOU as a person? "If I can't run, I"m nothing. If I can't stand to be alone/juggle 1000 things/balance kids and health/etc then I'm nothing.." ???"
She's right. I fear that others undervalue me because I undervalue myself. But...why?
Would I think my sister, who has MS and is using running as a way to fight back, is nothing if she suddenly couldn't run anymore? No.
Do I think people in my life like Chad, who is in a wheelchair and can never run, and my uncle Doug, whose MS is so bad it makes it difficult sometimes for him to even walk, are nothing or less than something great because they can't run? No.
Do I search out people on SP who don't run for whatever reason, ability or choice, and think they are doing less than great because they don't run? No.
So why do I do that to myself?
Part of it is because I want to run so badly.
But is my running CAN'T something mental. Is it focused on my not wanting to run? No.
I cannot run right now, because of an injury I've sustained while trying to do so.
Yes, weight is likely a factor in that. My body is broken and hurt from years of inactivity.
But I have tried time and time again. And I deserve to give myself credit for that.
Doc says it's not my hip that's the problem, it's my pelvis. She believes I've overstretched the muscle there and it's not fitting together right because of the overstretching. So when I run, it does its best to compensate, but after a while it just can't make the connections go right anymore and I get that pain - my body's way of telling me that it isn't ready. She wants me to spend the next 6-8 weeks in PT with a group that handles Sports Medicine. She did not once attribute my failure to run to my weight, and made me seem like this could've happened if I weighed 150 pounds or 500. My body needs help, and I need to give it that. For the next couple weeks, I'm to focus on low-impact workouts. "If it hurts the pelvic muscles, don't do it," she said. It could mean saying goodbye to Zumba for awhile. And she certainly said no more "pounding the pavement." She did not say not to run, but I'm taking a couple weeks off to be safe, she only said use the treadmill. I need soft landings for myself right now. She encouraged use of the stationary bike and warned me to be careful of pain on the elliptical as well.
So, if the next two months, I do not run one tenth of a mile, does that make me less of a success story?
Truth? It does NOT have to. There are plenty of other things I can do.
Maybe some rowing
ST like nuts
MAYBE Yoga (though I don't want to overstretch again)
(BTW - I got a compliment from my doctor on my flexibility as well. *lol*)
So why do I continue to believe I don't belong or I'm not doing enough if I can't run?
I said it so well to my husband the other day -- I don't strive to be good, okay, adequate, or any of that. I strive to be AMAZING and ASTOUNDING and MOVING. I want to lead the pack. I need to show people that I can break their expectations of what I should be able to do.
And I know it all stems from those same old unloved and abandoned issues from my childhood. I had to work 3x as hard as anyone else to get any sort of reaction out of my father. Mistakes were punished with spankings and beatings. Good enough or okay were met with no reaction at all. Great was grunted at. But astounding would get some sort of reaction that I was finally good enough in his eyes. I got all As. Hrmph. Okay. I got all As and was the top in my class and won an award. I got a good job. I was always looking for the "good job." It's stupid and sappy, but I wanted to feel like my father loved me...and what I mostly felt was that he tolerated me most days and hated me a good majority of the others. No child should have to try that hard for acceptance from a parent. And it took me 20 years to finally realize that I would never get what I needed from him and cut him off completely.
Most of the rest of my family thought highly of me. I was the smart girl who did well in school. I was good and didn't get into trouble. And then I got knocked up in my senior year of high school and was suddenly the outcast. I don't know if they put me there or I did, but I think we all played a role in it.
I settled with feeling unloved for a long time. It took me years to feel like I finally got my family back to a place of acceptance and love for me. (Odd because I know in my heart they always loved me, but I was still clinging to that notion that they were disappointed which somehow = unloved.)
And then I fought back.
I got married to my children's father.
I found a place to live far away where I could rebuild myself.
I wanted to come back and surprise them.
I worked full-time and went to school full-time and worked part-time as a journalist.
And I felt I had earned more love back.
But I knew I had to succeed in all areas to get it fully (or at least in my mind that was the requirement).
I got "good jobs" from my editors.
I managed to fill the role of President in two honor societies at school.
I made the Dean's List every semester.
And then I graduated in just 3 years, summa cum laude and #1 in my class in my department.
I got promotions at work and worked my way into a suitable career. (Though still not what I ever wanted to do...but I felt it was worthy because of the title it held.)
Only then did I feel the need to hold my head up again.
Is it no wonder I did that again with the weight loss.
A girl who loses 95 pounds = good.
A girl who is still over 300 pounds but works out all the time and is motivated to keep losing = great.
But a girl who was still over 300 pounds and could run a 5k, 10k, and half-marathon would = astounding and worthy of love.
Nobody ever told me that.
I made those rules.
Every time I felt that pull in my pelvis, it was like saying "they won't love you because you're proving to them that you're still too fat to do something."
And if it were anyone else I would tell them - that is ridiculous! You are STILL amazing because you're trying. Even if you never lose a pound. Even if you only work out 3 times a week. Even if you can't do more than 1 push-up. You are trying, and that is amazing.
But, for some reason, I couldn't do that for myself.
I always felt like it wasn't enough because I wasn't shocking people.
I couldn't amaze them with my determination and my ability to run, so it wasn't enough.
I wasn't enough.
And that's where I sat.
The past few days I've been struggling with what IS good enough.
Last night I created another account. A way to wipe the slate clean.
I wanted to try to be the kind of person who was okay with what I could do (or as I told myself "with the LITTLE I could do").
I wanted to be the kind of person who just does what she can and still loses weight and is successful without having to be AMAZING in those standards I set for myself in order to be amazing.
Changing children is somewhat easy.
Over time, the same treatment toward them can develop into their minds a standard for living that they will carry with them for the rest of their lives.
Even after they deem you no longer worthy to set those standards, you've set them and that will follow them through life.
What I'm hoping is the rest of that statement is, "Unless they figure out what's going on and decide to change it themselves."
We like to say, "You can't change people." But I think you can.
What I'm hoping is that WE can change OURSELVES too.
I need to develop new patterns of dealing with myself. New standards for success. And I need to let go of my childish fear that good enough isn't good enough because it isn't the astounding I was taught to strive for.
Thursday, April 07, 2011
Last night I sent a desperate plea out to my girls, letting them know they had my full permission to kick my butt into gear. Of course, they responded beautifully - reminding me that I am worthy, that the sucky parts are made up by the end result, and that "powerful" can be achieved in many ways so I shouldn't limit myself.
"I only run on days when I'm feeling powerful about it." ABETTERCHERYL told me. She challenged me to NOT run...to do ANYTHING else and remind myself of the power of other forms of exercise. In my head I made a plan to do a cardio circuit at the gym. 10-15 minutes of each: bike, box, row - with ST moves thrown in along the way. It was a good plan...and then I stepped outside.
The temperature yesterday hovered around 60-80 all day. It was beautiful and sunny and PERFECT weather to be outside. Soon the idea popped into my head -- TENNIS! I would grab my racket and the Hubs and get some much needed tennis time in. That was the plan. And it seems that the mode of operation around here is that plans change - constantly! I went to the dentist first, cried in their chair when I realized what years of neglecting the dentist (I *hate* going to the dentist. HATE HATE HATE!) had led me to (I have to go to a surgeon and get many of my back teeth removed because there's no longer a way to save most of them without dropping a couple thousand bucks...the only thing I could think to say through my tears was, "Well, I guess that'll be a good diet plan. No more chewing for me..."). Let's face it. I was depressed. And hungry because my entire day was thrown off with the dentist visit.
I wanted to go to Bob Evans for a fresh salad and a slice of pumpkin or banana nut bread.
My family wanted buffet.
I wanted to go to the park and play tennis.
Hubs wanted to walk instead.
All I did all day was cave. I could feel the weakness seeping out of me. I tried to be light about it. I said that walking was good. I told myself not to turn on my C25k program - if I wanted to run, I would. I did a few running spurts and it felt like failure every time - but I kept trying. I would give anything to have week 1 back. I would give anything to feel alright again.
Finally, I broke. My right foot was rubbing and I was about a half a mile away from forming a blister. I bursted out with an emotional, "I suck! This sucks. I hate this. All I wanted to do was play tennis and now we're walking and I feel like a failure because I can't even do that right. Pathetic!" Hubs reigned me in pretty quickly and we walked back to the car to grab our rackets and play tennis.
Too bad my knee still hurt from the walk/run I had done. (I've noticed this week that my knee feels loose after a run...think this might be a big part of the hip problem.) My knee hurt, and instead of going back to the car and putting on my knee brace, I just tried to deal with it. 30 minutes later and I wasn't feeling any better about myself. I had somehow made it through a half@ssed version of an hour workout, but I didn't feel any better about myself.
As we drove home, I kept thinking of all the things I could eat my feelings away with. I forced my mouth shut as we drove past Dairy Queen. I walked in and quickly out of the gas station where I bought some water. I tried not to look around too much. Tried to ignore every inclination to let ED win again. And then I went home, sat down, and ate another piece of birthday cake.
And then I ate some of the leftover Chinese food.
I'm not winning here. Not even close.
I'm grasping so hard at finding my footing again, but I keep falling over and over again.
And my body is bruised and broken, and that's part of it.
So what am I going to do to get a handle on this? Whatever I have been doing hasn't been working. This is the biggest "failure" week I've had in about a year. I'm not bouncing back so quickly and I'm struggling to simply stay in the game.
So...what's the problem? Write it out, Esther.
1) I had ONE WEEK of blissful, pain-free running. And as much as I tried not to hope too much that my problems were solved, I fell victim to that hope again...and was disappointed in the second week. ONE WEEK. I feel pathetic and useless.
2) I haven't been eating on plan, and I'm back to eating at home, stuffing my face away from people and swallowing my guilt every time someone says, "Oh my! You look great! What are you doing?" What am I doing? Well, right now I'm in the process of self-destructing and losing all the positive progress I made this past year. What are YOU doing?
3) My clothes either don't fit right or don't fit how I want them to. It's frustrating as hell to realize half my clothes are too big and the other half is too small. I'm sick of fat rolls and pudge and belly aprons - especially when I spend 100x more time in the gym than many of my skinny peers. It's hard to work so hard and then go out with them and realize YOU look the least fit. I could probably box their socks off. I likely have more stamina than they can dream of right now. But when other people see us, they see the two skinny, seemingly FIT girls and ME. I feel undervalued as a person.
4) I'm back to the place where signing up for races feels stupid because I feel like I'll either run some of it and be in extreme pain after, or have to walk and struggle while the walkers around me look like they're out for a morning stroll.
5) I spend more time alone now than I ever have before. Hours at the gym - most of them alone. I pay for Hubs' membership every month, but I can only count on him being there once or twice a week - and he's usually hurrying me on to get home so he can play video games. Is it too much to ask to have time with him AND time at the gym? I don't get to see my kids but for about 30 minutes in the morning and an hour at night. And the weekends (even 3-day weekends) don't seem to making up for that because I'm always trying to get something done or going somewhere - many times without them. I haven't seen my mother for months (save for a few hours last month on my way to MN). My ONE friend who lives anywhere nearby is BUSY and many of the other friends I have dropped me for whatever reason. I have friends in cyber land who have defriended me and left me alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. I've NEVER been good at handling being alone.
These past few days I wake up with a "this is the day!" outlook, and by lunchtime I'm thinking, "FML!"
I hurt ALL OVER.
I'm not seeing results.
And I feel like I'm drowning.
Trust me, I'm trying to pull myself out. Part of me feels like the biggest failure in the world for admitting to you, once again, that I haven't figured out the secret to getting myself over this hump. I HATE letting people down but, more than anything, I hate letting myself down. I don't like to be the person who whines "this sucks!" because I've always been taught to just suck it up. I was told I cried too much, felt too much, talked too much. I was supposed to be a different person - a person who could handle anything, a person who didn't complain or argue, a person who just simply did what they were told or what they should without people having to take time out of their busy lives, burdened by me, to TELL ME what was required and/or needed.
I tried being that person...and now I'm exhausted.
It's not all doom and gloom.
I started thinking yesterday that maybe C25k isn't for me. *shrug* Maybe I need to start out just running once or twice a week on my terms. (Of course, this makes me feel like a LOSER because everyone I know who has started C25k has either completed it or stopped from being lazy, not from being UNABLE to complete it.)
I cannot wait for summer. I want to effin' swim! (Of course, now I'm afraid my knee will pop out in the water and I'll have another dream crushed.)
Do you see them? Do you see the negative monsters eating my head?
I have no positive light right now that cannot be diminished by a negative shadow.
And I'm extremely sorry that this post isn't one of those great "Let's GO!" motivational blogs that I've been reading lately...but I NEED this to be about me. (And my girls have been teaching me that I have to ASK for what I NEED or I'll never get it.)
Tonight is dinner with probably the skinniest friend I've ever had. I met her almost 5 years ago and we were super close. Me, AM and Sarah - the Three Musketeers. Charlie's Angels. We have bonds, baby! Just try and break 'em! Sarah moved away last July and I miss her terribly. She's coming home for a visit this week and I'll be seeing her in mere hours...and all I can think of is -- "I should've lost MORE weight by now. She's not going to be all that impressed by this pittance." Sad, right? *sigh*
What I NEED to remember is that my friend loves me for who I am. She knew me when I was over 400 pounds and she called me beautiful even then. She fought for me. She's always supported me even to saying, "You are stronger and more motivated than I am." She has come to ME for fitness advice and has NEVER devalued me because of my weight. She even asked me to be in her wedding before she knew I lost ANY weight. She left in July and I was just under 400 then - and, still, she asked ME to be one of only 2 women to stand next to her in those pictures she will have and cherish forever. She doesn't CARE how big or small I am. She has always loved me for more. We have a kinship that goes beyond how crazy the three of us look standing next to each other - Sarah: the blond skinny bombshell, Anne Marie: the tiny but strong Lebanese church girl, and Esther: the rocker, rebel, overweight, strong-headed redhead.
Tomorrow I'm headed to the doctor to find out if she can sort out the hip/knee trouble and see if I can get a referral to a good ortho specialist who can give me the tools I need to one day run. And all I can think is ...what if they say YOU CANNOT RUN. I might just collapse on the floor in a heap crying. I might wait until I'm out at the car. I don't know what I'm going to do...but I'm TERRIFIED! Part of me wants Hubs there for support - the other part doesn't want him there when they tell him how pathetic I am. GRRR!
Let's just put it this way - this week has been a wash. I'm still up from the 323 I showed on Saturday, but down from the 327 I had Sunday after THE BIG BINGE. I'm trying to fight against my ED every single day. Most days, it wins. But it doesn't ALWAYS win. I'm still fighting. Every choice I make has been a fight, and I'm still fighting...and that's the ONLY plan I have for this week. DO NOT STOP FIGHTING. Yes, I may cave now and again. But with each decision I make I have another chance to FIGHT.
As for my blogs. I had been avoiding writing them because I didn't think you needed to hear this crap right now.
BUT... (thanks again, girls, for the lesson in asking for what you need)
I NEED your support right now more than ever.
I NEED to be reminded that while some friends have abandoned me, other have not.
I NEED your forgiveness.
I NEED your sympathy.
And I NEED you to remind me why we're doing this, why I'm here, and to kick my arse if it seems like it will help.
More than anything...
I NEED to blog it out of me.
This may be a triple-blogging day. And none of the blogs may make a bit of sense. But I have decided that hiding isn't doing me much good. I'm going to blog until it hurts, bleeds, and then scabs over so I can start to heal. This is me, showing you the hidden wounds, and attempting to expose the hurts for what they are. Now I just need to find the surgical tool that will cut the pain out of me and the salve that will help the healing process begin. It's going to be a bumpy ride. Follow along if you want, but I can understand if you have your own issues to deal with, or if reading my nonsense will pull you down further. I can understand if you don't want to read the doom-and-gloom right now. But if you can stick it out with me...just a little bit longer. I promise I'll be worth it.
Tuesday, April 05, 2011
I spent yesterday trying not to think. I put my food in my tracker and tried to just be okay with being in range (which I was, but on the high end). I didn't think about going to the gym - I just went. I didn't think about my ST - I just did it...all the time anxious about my upcoming run.
While my head is not where it should be, not where it was for the longest time, I'm realizing something. I used to have these "down days" every week. No lie. If I go back and look at my blogs, I can see that once a week, I would get down and think about how "hard" everything was. It's been a slow process pulling myself out of this, but I can honestly say that I haven't had a bad down day since that fateful weekend last month where my emotions got the better of me. So, yes, it's been a month. What's more, I have no doubt that some of this unhappiness is being fueled by that dreaded TOM I was supposed to stop having, as well as hardships over my running troubles and the like. Call it progress, or what you will, but at least it's something good to hold onto right now.
Also - why is it that lately, whenever I'm feeling down, that's the moment people start noticing my weight loss? I was approached by a woman at the gym last night who admitted to me that her and her friend had been "stalking" me...watching me. Her friend, who was still upstairs on a machine, had told the girl that she needed to be more positive about running. She looked down and saw my BondiBand that says, "I Run" and told the girl she needed to be positive like that. So the girl came down and asked me where I got it, and admitted that what she had told her friend she really wanted was a Nike shirt that said, "Running Sucks!" *lol* We chatted, I told her about BondiBands (all the while scoffing...I had put this one on in the hopes of de-cursing it...I had bought it a couple weeks into my last attempt at C25k, as a gift to myself for my dedication to learning to run...and then I got injured and had to stop running altogether. I admitedly hated this BondiBand, but I was trying last night to reassign my attitude to something more positive...)
After I had given her all the information she needed to get her own (I told her that I thought they had one that said, "I Love Running. I Hate Running. I Love Running. I Hate Running."), she turned to me and said, "So how much weight HAVE you lost?" I told her around 96 (secretly telling myself that my stupid gains this weekend have me over that...) pounds since April. She motioned to her friend, who was STILL upstairs on the machine. Her friend yelled down how great that was and the girl next to me told me that the same friend up there had lost 90 pounds. She said they noticed me come in tonight and that maybe it was because they'd switched their hours and hadn't seen me in a couple weeks, but they had REALLY noticed when I came in last night.
Let me ask you...how does someone who's feeling in the crapper about a recent weight gain deal with the right words at the wrong time?
I thanked her and shut my mouth. I realized they were encouraging me on my journey. I admitted that I was THIS close to that 100 pounds lost mark and I really wanted it and that was all I would say in any semi-negative regard. I was NOT going to diminish HER compliment with MY negative thoughts. That wasn't fair to her. She had taken the chance and the time (probably hoping I wouldn't be offended) to come up and ask me how I was doing, to tell me that they had noticed the loss, and to encourage me to continue. I wouldn't dare think of turning that around to something negative! (Look, Ma! I CAN Change!!)
The rest of the night didn't go as well. My ST was all a little off. I felt weak and flabby. My stomach was still upset, but I soldiered on through - working my way to what I really wanted -- my run. The gym was hot last night (it hit 85 degrees here yesterday and I don't think they were prepared for that...it's back to 40 again this morning) and I was sweating like a pig and trying not to die of heat exhaustion -- all this meant that I was slow in my ST, and not really into it. I went through the motions, did the bare minimum, and then headed upstairs for my run.
That, too, did not go well. The length of the runs don't feel bad...I just felt off. I kept coughing due to the heat and humidity in the gym. It was hard to get a good breath. I was dodging other people (which I hate). And my feet and legs and such just didn't feel as good as they had last week. And then, in the fifth running segment, I felt that all too familiar tug in my hip. It wasn't a bad pull, just a reminder that this whole thing hasn't been solved (unless it means I'm so fat that I have to buy new inserts every 5 miles!). I'm glad I have my appointment on Friday with the doctor because something must be done. I can't let go of my dream of running a 5k someday. I simply don't know how to let that dream go. I am a runner at heart, even if my body doesn't quite understand how to deal with that.
I did notice that after my run my knee was sore and loose. That seems like a major indication to me that the hip/knee are connected in this problem. I'm thinking the solution might be a solid knee brace and some really GOOD ortho inserts for my shoes. I may also make another go at a running store fitting, now that I just discovered that one opened up here in Charleston on December 29th of last year. (How did I NOT hear about this?!) Maybe they have a suggestion for better inserts. Maybe the shoes are all wrong. Maybe they've run out of miles (but I seriously doubt that). I hate to put so much money into this, but the thrill of running outweighs my money concerns. I NEED that feeling back. (Yes, running has become my drug...so what?! ;) )
My hip hurt most of the night. Try as I might to stretch it out, the only way I was able to fall asleep was with an ice pack on my hip. My right foot still hurts as well, right around the outside arch area - the same area I actually broke back in HS when I was jumping up and down and my knee popped out, landing me on the wrong side of my foot.
I'm torn between the thought that I should stop running altogether before it gets worse and trying to work through it. Last night I had this thought....
I either need to get rid of the pain, or learn to get used to it.
I would LOVE to go with the first one here, but it may be a factor of the second. Right now, I'm on a sort of rest day. I'm going to try to get some Yoga in during lunch because I need my evening free. My youngest son is celebrating his birthday today, so I have promised him a special dinner. What did he pick? Tacos! (Thank goodness he doesn't mind reduced-fat sour cream, ground chicken instead of ground beef, and whole wheat tortillas! ;) ) So I have a dinner to make tonight extra special. And I really want to spend some time with him, so - no Zumba. (Probably good with the hip the way it is.) Plus, I just learned last night that my oldest son's basketball team is doing an awards ceremony at the bowling alley tonight. It starts at 5:30pm and I don't get off work until 6:00pm (putting me there about 7pm, when it's ending). I think this is one of those times that I have to take off the time and just get over spending my annual leave on it. So what if we don't get a family vacation this year? We'll have to make the most of every weekend instead.
So...I'm not doing so well with the "happy" feelings lately. I'll admit that freely. But instead of thinking over them and letting them ruin my life, I'm back to grit - back to just doing.
Today - Yoga and getting off early to spend time with the boy
Tomorrow - ST and an attempt at C25k W2D2 - if I can't complete it, I will walk at least 2 miles
Thursday - A walk or yoga at lunch again, as my friend comes in and we're going out for dinner
Friday - C25k attempt W2D3, ST
Saturday - OFF (maybe some ice skating)
The plan isn't changing...I am. I'm setting up the stairs so I can get over this wall without a serious injury and making the most of what I have available to me. Most of all....
Don't Think. Just Do.
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