Monday, May 10, 2010
I just had to blog to you guys about this. I ran today. Yes, me...huge me with bad knees ran today! Of course, I should probably explain. Went for my normal walk today at the track and told myself I'd be doing a mile and a half tonight. When I got there I saw an older man running slowly around and around the track. He inspired me. All of you inspired me. My legs inspired me. Truthfully, I was getting bored with walking and was begging my legs to get me through just ONE straightaway. Nearing the end of the second lap, I went for it. It felt so wonderful! I laughed at myself. I cheered myself. I was just completely excited for myself. It's been 2 years! TWO YEARS!
Fast forward to lap four and I think, hrm...once more? My legs decided it was alright as long as I agreed to go slow. I did go slow, but I ran (jogged) that straightaway once more. And I was beat! I mean, I was thinking the next 2 laps weren't going to happen. And then I told myself that I was letting the fat girl talk me out of something again, and I pushed through.
And then lap six came, and I was tired, but somehow...pumped...and I ran that straightaway again, and felt a little like collapsing...but I still felt strong. My legs felt strong. I felt strong. My inner skinny girl felt like the power had been returned to her once more.
I beat my personal record and did a mile and a half in 33 minutes! I could've hugged myself! I wanted to share the news, but I didn't have my laptop with me. So I celebrated with a PB&J on a wheat thin round and some, okay a LOT of water! I had that glow about me and it looked good on me!
Add this to the fact that I was able to wear my "butt jeans" today... I bought these jeans online from Old Navy that were super tight but my butt looked GREAT in them. I decided to hang onto them but I've only worn them once or twice because it was really hard to sit in them or be comfy at ALL in them. Today I decided to try them on and they went right on, zipped right up and I sat right down in them! I was so happy!
Add this to the fact that I realized how much smaller I was getting already when I could sit more comfortably in my desk at school and to the fact that I walk as fast as my husband again...and hubby has said at least 5 times today "Man, you really are getting smaller!"...well, it's been a pretty darn good day!
Oh, and two finals down! One more final and two final projects to finish up. Almost done!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Twenty-four pages of notes later, I think I'm ready for my first final. Leaving here soon for my very first (and most difficult) final (Principles of Literary Criticism discussing deBeauvoir, Bordo, Marx, Williams, Gates, hooks, Freud, Mulvey, Said, and Achebe).
Hubby noted that I'm looking thinner and said he noticed a shoulder muscle he didn't ever see before. *lol* And, believe it or not, it was an unsolicited compliment! YAY!
So, not much else to say. My brain is currently full of mush so I'm going to listen to some music on the way to school and attempt to refocus myself a little bit. Have to plan lunch and dinner really quickly so I can head out the door.
Finally, here's a fun quote I found for all of you to chew on today. The quote is from Laura Mulvey who is discussing the psychoanalytic critique of cinema and it's voyeuristic aspects. The quote discusses new techniques of cinema which break away from those outmoded films which pit the controlling male gaze onto the devilish woman with no purpose...but think about this in terms of this journey instead.
"The alternative is the thrill that comes from leaving the past behind without simply rejecting it, transcending outworn or oppressive forms, and daring to break with normal pleasurable expectations in order to conceive a new language of desire." - Laura Mulvey (Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema)
Think about how we're breaking away from the comforts of emotional eating, which instead of freeing us from society's expectations of slenderness, has committed us to conforming to the ideas of food as pleasure and oppressed us by making us unable to face the world with confidence. Our fat holds us back and keeps us hostage. Our old habits of pleasure via food is a worn out system of pleasure, and this new journey is a transcendence, a way to find a new language of desire in the health and fitness that a healthy lifestyle will provide us. Without the pressures of quick results. Without the pleasures of slenderness quickly. Without the oppression of starving ourselves. Let us find desire in this journey and find a new language for our lives.
Maybe it doesn't make sense...but it hit me last night pretty hard. (But sometimes I make connections that seem....illogical.) *shrug*
Have a good day!
Sunday, May 09, 2010
This is what I got this morning when I woke up. Fiber One pancakes, lite syrup, strawberries and bananas. (I tried to make one of my famous strawberry-banana smoothies to go with it, but the blender broke and I was left with half-liquefied frozen strawberries, so I put them in some greek yogurt with a half a packet of Truvia and had me a little strawberry yogurt to go with! I can not be stopped! *lol*) Today was also weigh in day, so before I chowed down...I hopped on the scale.
Starting Weight: 466.6
SP SW: 406.2
Last Week: 403
Goal This Week: 401
Weight Lost This Week: 4.6
Total Weight Lost with SP: 17.8
Total Weight Lost overall: 68.2
I was secretly hoping to go to 399.9, and everyone in the house knew it. (I could hear my youngest behind me going "399.9...399.9...come on...399.9") We all had a little cheer for Mommy and then I opened my presents, which included 3 cards and a painted bird house from my 8 year old. I feel loved!
This past week, I learned that I can handle stress without overeating. I had ONE semi-off day, and I only managed to HIT my goals that day, not exceed them! *lol*
For those taking note, I rarely hit my calorie goals. I know, I know, you have to eat to lose, but let me explain. When I am focused, I eat healthy...and when I eat healthy it's pretty damn hard to hit 2000 calories without eating ALL THE TIME! I will not stuff myself to get to my calorie goals. I'm full all the time, and I rarely go hungry because I eat every 2-3 hours. That being said, I know that my body will still lose as long as I keep myself around 1600-1800 calories. Any less than that and I'm looking at a gain or maintain. I've been at this game a little while, so I'm working on listening to my body now, and not overly stressing over not hitting my calories. I'm eating high protein, low fat foods. I eat more complex carbs. I stay away from foods I know to be trigger foods (I ate a few bites of a piece of fancy chocolate yesterday and then stopped...to me, that was AMAZING!) So, say what you will, but it's working. I shoot for 2 pounds a week and anything over that is just icing on the cake. I work out every day...yes, every single day! At least for 10 minutes (Spark fitness yelled at me yesterday because I went OVER my fitness goals...figured it was time to change them, so now I'm required to do less each day, but more overall...I can live with that!)
Now that the boys have left to go up to grandma's house, I'm left with my books. I have a lot of studying to do for my first final tomorrow, so I've got some work ahead of me. Going to lay on my bed and read and write until snack time, then break for some lunch and exercise, then back at it. I'd like to get this done so I can go out and enjoy some of this weather with my boys later! Such a nice day outside!
Oh, more randomness for you - today I woke up and my legs felt thinner. That sounds completely stupid, but I've been holding onto some water in my ankles for a while now. Today I could see my ankles again (the loss of this water weight no doubt contributing to my fabulous loss this week). I'm going to contribute it to more exercise and less sodium, as I've really been trying to watch this lately although I haven't been keeping track on paper. I just eat more fresh, home-cooked meals, less frozen dinners, and I made myself resist the Miso Soup the other day from the Sushi place. Every little bit counts, I guess!
Oh, and I tried my graduation dress on the other day (the one I bought last Friday after work) and already it looks better on me! WOOT! I'm sure nobody else would notice but there are a few less pudges in the front than there were a little over a week ago! And MY knowing that is what matters most. Also, I keep looking at the tag...this dress is a size 24! The type of fabric it is, I could've worn a 26 before, probably, though the pudge would have been showing and I would have needed a great girdle. Now a 24 and the girdle is looking less and less necessary! *lol* That makes me almost giddy! All my jeans are getting loose too. My "comfy" jeans (they weren't tight at all...when they started to feel it, I knew it was time to get back on the fitness wagon!) can be pulled down without undoing them! *lol* I've got some "skinny" (for me) jeans that my mom gave me a few months ago that I couldn't wear that I'm working my way into. But at some point this summer I'm going to have to get some more clothes for work...
Now to grab some coffee and get to studying. I'll leave you with my "Work in Progress" Vision Collage I've posted at work...I'll add more as I go along, when I find a good picture or article that inspires me.
It says: "Build a Nourished Body; a Powerful Body; a Competitive Body; a Fit Body; a Vital Body; a Strong Body; a Balanced Body; a Revitalized Body; an Energized Body"
Ciao! And Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there!
Saturday, May 08, 2010
I went to write W3.D6 and realized that tomorrow is the start of week 4...and I thought, is that right? Nope, it wasn't. I haven't been paying much attention to little details lately...no time.
I have no pearls of insight or snatches of wisdom I recieved while working out yesterday. I wanted to go take my normal Friday walk around the baseball park across the street, down to The Purple Onion, grab an apple and then head back. And I got up from my chair to change and realized. It is 89 degrees outside today. And I am still over 400 pounds. Granted, I have gained so much strength and stamina from my workouts lately (next Wednesday it will be 20 days...I think...again with the details), but I am still carrying around a LOT of weight, and fair skin, and walking in 89 degree weather for a half hour could put an end to all of it if I faint outside. Instead, I decided to go walk the mall for my workout. FREE A/C! HOLLA!
As I'm preparing to leave, my supervisor (one of the many) comes up to me and says, "Where you going?" I tell her the mall and she looks disappointed. "I was going to offer to buy us sushi today." Turn down free sushi? ME? Are you kidding right now? "Uhm, okay, but I have to do my walk at the mall first and then I'll pick it up and bring it right back." I held my breath. I just knew she was going to say that it would take too long and she was hungry now. (It was already noon!) "Okay. Sounds good." That's it. So easy! Who would have thought it would be so easy to just tell someone, "I'll get to you in a minute, I just have to do this one really important thing for me first."?
So I walked the mall for 30 minutes. Now, of course there was a stop now and again as I was on a hunt for shoes for graduation (STILL no luck! *sigh*), but when I was walking, I made myself walk fast. And when I had a choice between the long way or the short way to a store, I took the long way. I was sweating when I got back to my car because I pushed myself so hard back to the parking garage (and I got a little lost, which I was actually laughing about and happy to have made that mistake...5 more minutes walking! *lol*) I picked up the sushi and headed back and all was well. And sushi was good.
And then later that day I caught myself feeling a little tense. I HAD been at work since 7 AM and was planning a 12 hour day to cut down on the weekend hours I would need. So I took a little break in my office and did my own little yoga session for 15 minutes. (I forgot how much I loved this!)
Another thing I forgot to mention...the other day (probably Thursday?), I was getting into my car to go home from work. Something happened (there's never a good reason) and my left knee tried to pop out.
Now, a little backstory - I've had problems with my left knee for as long as I can remember, probably since about the age of 12. If I squated down to pick something up or if I tucked my leg under me while seated, even if I decided to sit cross legged (criss-cross-applesauce), my knee liked to pop out and back in. After a few years it started popping out and needed to coax it back in. I had surgery on it after months of physical therapy did nothing to help. They cut the ligament that led from the outside muscle to the knee cap (my outside leg muscle was overpowering the inside leg muscle and pulling the knee cap to the left). After surgery, it got worse. In the past two years it pops out at least once every 3 months. Sometimes it's nothing major and it only takes a little coaxing to get it back in. Sometimes it takes all day. (I've basically destroyed my knee.)
So when I went to get in my car and I felt that familiar feeling in my knee I thought - "NO! NOT AGAIN!" I didn't want it to impair my workout schedule. I didn't want to be on the couch for a week letting it heal. I did NOT want to slow down! But something funny happened, it TRIED to pop out, but got rejected. Yep, it did a little out-in motion (which didn't exactly feel all that great) and was right back where it should be. What's more, I didn't have any soreness in it the next day. It felt like it was a little "loose" (as I tend to call it), but it was not sore and it didn't feel like I had to limp in order to baby it. SCORE!
Okay, so now that I've written too much, I should probably get back to work/study mode. I had to come into work to get a few hours in, and also need to study, so I'm doing a little of this, little of that for a few hours. And I brought my youngest with me, so he's making noise in the background, which is a BLAST if you're trying to ready someone like Simone de Beauvoir, let me tell you! *sigh*
Friday, May 07, 2010
As a person needing to lose a considerable amount of weight, I tend to find myself focusing on...well, myself a lot more than usual in this process. What do I need to eat? What do I need to do today? I whine to my husband (yes, I whine) "But I need to eat XXX amount of calories for this meal!" I don't take into account what he would like to eat for dinner any longer...or my children for that matter.
Case in point, two nights ago I pull into the driveway and am met by two very hungry little boys and one big hungry boy. My husband whines (yes, he whines too), "Man! I was hoping to get a chance to talk to you while you were still in town so I could have to pick up a couple of pizzas for dinner." Excuse me? PIZZA? Are you friggin' out of your ever lovin' mind with that? Pizza! The nerve! The audacity! I'll admit it, my jaw dropped and I thought, "Have you forgotten that *I* (there's that stupid word again) am on a diet?!"
I ended up marching right into the house and making a healthy dinner for the family. I was tired, exhausted actually, after a very long day of the whole work-school-work thing and *I* still needed to exercise. I grumbled through the preparations of dinner. I muttered some not-so-nice words under my breath.
Last night (a late night for me when I don't get home until about 10pm and hubby and kids are forced to fend for themselves) I noticed that the boys went out and got themselves that pizza they had wanted...and I realized that *I* had gotten my way the night before.
So what we do on this journey affects those around us. Husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends, children, even parents! We're so determined to change our lives that we just go right on ahead and change their lives as well...without asking for permission. Now, I'm not exactly saying that this is a bad thing. In fact, I think it is really great that my boys are all forced to eat healthier just because I am. In a way, I feel like I'm taking care of them with my selfishness. Because what *I* have been noticing is the positive changes.
Hubby is losing weight.
Now hubby doesn't necessarily need to lose much weight - he's about 5'8 (though he'll tell you he's 5'10, which is completely rediculous!) and weighed about 195 when we - look at that! I really meant *I* - started this. The other day he hopped on my scale and was down to about 180. His gut is getting smaller, his pants loose on him, and he may even be starting to get a few muscles here and there.
My boys are eating healthy!....well, most of the time.
Now I can't control the crap they feed my children at school (we have free lunches and I'm not about to turn that down right now..just can't afford to), but when they are home with me I know they're getting fruits and veggies, fresh foods over processed crap. These are wonderful habits to start them on! Plus, they're trying new things. Sometimes with disasterous results (I still can't get my 8 year old to eat most of the veggie dishes I prepare - though he about begs every night for the chicken stir fry with rice...but he basically eats around the veg) - but they are having more than fried bologna sandwiches and grilled cheese and mac-n-cheese! There are salads and roasted veggies and vegetable soup and hummus/avacado sandwiches (my 10 year old LOVES these!).
There is a lot less video game action happening.
I *hate* that my kids play video games so much. I do NOT want my children to suffer through being the fat kid (though they're both boys, so it wouldn't be quite as difficult - THANK GOD!) like I did. I want them to have happy, healthy, lively and active lives! There are times in the summer that I literally lock my children outside of the house. It sounds mean, but it is absolutely necessary in this day and age to tell them, "Don't come back for an hour!" They whine for 10 minutes, and then I find them playing soccer in the yard or hiking up the back hill to find something neat to look at through the microscope at home. I used to send them out alone...now we go out together!
They understand that fresh = better.
Ethan (8 year old) talks to me all the time about how he knows that fresh food is better than packaged. This is a great lesson to learn so young...and if I can teach him just that one thing, then I feel he'll be much more prepared for life than I was. He also knows that the level of health in food goes fresh - frozen - canned. He knows that too much salt isn't good for you (though try prying the soy sauce out of his hands whenever he has rice...kung-fu grip there!). I'm teaching him and leading by example...that's good!
So, yes...I am selfish. And, yes, I realize now that I have taken over my household and enforced my "skinny" rules on everyone, even though they aren't exactly "fat" to begin with. But I don't feel one ounce of guilt in this. I really don't. Everyone in the world deserves to be healthy. Every person I love should eat well and exercise because *I* want them to have a quality life that they can really enjoy. Where, exactly, is the harm in that?
Of course, my husband admitted to me the other night that he had been having dreams - yes, dreams - about McDonald's and had considered going to town, rushing to the counter and saying, "Give me your fattest, greasiest, highest calorie hamburger." (Now doesn't that sound AWFUL?) I just smiled, glad he hadn't given into his urge.
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