Saturday, May 08, 2010
I went to write W3.D6 and realized that tomorrow is the start of week 4...and I thought, is that right? Nope, it wasn't. I haven't been paying much attention to little details lately...no time.
I have no pearls of insight or snatches of wisdom I recieved while working out yesterday. I wanted to go take my normal Friday walk around the baseball park across the street, down to The Purple Onion, grab an apple and then head back. And I got up from my chair to change and realized. It is 89 degrees outside today. And I am still over 400 pounds. Granted, I have gained so much strength and stamina from my workouts lately (next Wednesday it will be 20 days...I think...again with the details), but I am still carrying around a LOT of weight, and fair skin, and walking in 89 degree weather for a half hour could put an end to all of it if I faint outside. Instead, I decided to go walk the mall for my workout. FREE A/C! HOLLA!
As I'm preparing to leave, my supervisor (one of the many) comes up to me and says, "Where you going?" I tell her the mall and she looks disappointed. "I was going to offer to buy us sushi today." Turn down free sushi? ME? Are you kidding right now? "Uhm, okay, but I have to do my walk at the mall first and then I'll pick it up and bring it right back." I held my breath. I just knew she was going to say that it would take too long and she was hungry now. (It was already noon!) "Okay. Sounds good." That's it. So easy! Who would have thought it would be so easy to just tell someone, "I'll get to you in a minute, I just have to do this one really important thing for me first."?
So I walked the mall for 30 minutes. Now, of course there was a stop now and again as I was on a hunt for shoes for graduation (STILL no luck! *sigh*), but when I was walking, I made myself walk fast. And when I had a choice between the long way or the short way to a store, I took the long way. I was sweating when I got back to my car because I pushed myself so hard back to the parking garage (and I got a little lost, which I was actually laughing about and happy to have made that mistake...5 more minutes walking! *lol*) I picked up the sushi and headed back and all was well. And sushi was good.
And then later that day I caught myself feeling a little tense. I HAD been at work since 7 AM and was planning a 12 hour day to cut down on the weekend hours I would need. So I took a little break in my office and did my own little yoga session for 15 minutes. (I forgot how much I loved this!)
Another thing I forgot to mention...the other day (probably Thursday?), I was getting into my car to go home from work. Something happened (there's never a good reason) and my left knee tried to pop out.
Now, a little backstory - I've had problems with my left knee for as long as I can remember, probably since about the age of 12. If I squated down to pick something up or if I tucked my leg under me while seated, even if I decided to sit cross legged (criss-cross-applesauce), my knee liked to pop out and back in. After a few years it started popping out and needed to coax it back in. I had surgery on it after months of physical therapy did nothing to help. They cut the ligament that led from the outside muscle to the knee cap (my outside leg muscle was overpowering the inside leg muscle and pulling the knee cap to the left). After surgery, it got worse. In the past two years it pops out at least once every 3 months. Sometimes it's nothing major and it only takes a little coaxing to get it back in. Sometimes it takes all day. (I've basically destroyed my knee.)
So when I went to get in my car and I felt that familiar feeling in my knee I thought - "NO! NOT AGAIN!" I didn't want it to impair my workout schedule. I didn't want to be on the couch for a week letting it heal. I did NOT want to slow down! But something funny happened, it TRIED to pop out, but got rejected. Yep, it did a little out-in motion (which didn't exactly feel all that great) and was right back where it should be. What's more, I didn't have any soreness in it the next day. It felt like it was a little "loose" (as I tend to call it), but it was not sore and it didn't feel like I had to limp in order to baby it. SCORE!
Okay, so now that I've written too much, I should probably get back to work/study mode. I had to come into work to get a few hours in, and also need to study, so I'm doing a little of this, little of that for a few hours. And I brought my youngest with me, so he's making noise in the background, which is a BLAST if you're trying to ready someone like Simone de Beauvoir, let me tell you! *sigh*
Friday, May 07, 2010
As a person needing to lose a considerable amount of weight, I tend to find myself focusing on...well, myself a lot more than usual in this process. What do I need to eat? What do I need to do today? I whine to my husband (yes, I whine) "But I need to eat XXX amount of calories for this meal!" I don't take into account what he would like to eat for dinner any longer...or my children for that matter.
Case in point, two nights ago I pull into the driveway and am met by two very hungry little boys and one big hungry boy. My husband whines (yes, he whines too), "Man! I was hoping to get a chance to talk to you while you were still in town so I could have to pick up a couple of pizzas for dinner." Excuse me? PIZZA? Are you friggin' out of your ever lovin' mind with that? Pizza! The nerve! The audacity! I'll admit it, my jaw dropped and I thought, "Have you forgotten that *I* (there's that stupid word again) am on a diet?!"
I ended up marching right into the house and making a healthy dinner for the family. I was tired, exhausted actually, after a very long day of the whole work-school-work thing and *I* still needed to exercise. I grumbled through the preparations of dinner. I muttered some not-so-nice words under my breath.
Last night (a late night for me when I don't get home until about 10pm and hubby and kids are forced to fend for themselves) I noticed that the boys went out and got themselves that pizza they had wanted...and I realized that *I* had gotten my way the night before.
So what we do on this journey affects those around us. Husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends, children, even parents! We're so determined to change our lives that we just go right on ahead and change their lives as well...without asking for permission. Now, I'm not exactly saying that this is a bad thing. In fact, I think it is really great that my boys are all forced to eat healthier just because I am. In a way, I feel like I'm taking care of them with my selfishness. Because what *I* have been noticing is the positive changes.
Hubby is losing weight.
Now hubby doesn't necessarily need to lose much weight - he's about 5'8 (though he'll tell you he's 5'10, which is completely rediculous!) and weighed about 195 when we - look at that! I really meant *I* - started this. The other day he hopped on my scale and was down to about 180. His gut is getting smaller, his pants loose on him, and he may even be starting to get a few muscles here and there.
My boys are eating healthy!....well, most of the time.
Now I can't control the crap they feed my children at school (we have free lunches and I'm not about to turn that down right now..just can't afford to), but when they are home with me I know they're getting fruits and veggies, fresh foods over processed crap. These are wonderful habits to start them on! Plus, they're trying new things. Sometimes with disasterous results (I still can't get my 8 year old to eat most of the veggie dishes I prepare - though he about begs every night for the chicken stir fry with rice...but he basically eats around the veg) - but they are having more than fried bologna sandwiches and grilled cheese and mac-n-cheese! There are salads and roasted veggies and vegetable soup and hummus/avacado sandwiches (my 10 year old LOVES these!).
There is a lot less video game action happening.
I *hate* that my kids play video games so much. I do NOT want my children to suffer through being the fat kid (though they're both boys, so it wouldn't be quite as difficult - THANK GOD!) like I did. I want them to have happy, healthy, lively and active lives! There are times in the summer that I literally lock my children outside of the house. It sounds mean, but it is absolutely necessary in this day and age to tell them, "Don't come back for an hour!" They whine for 10 minutes, and then I find them playing soccer in the yard or hiking up the back hill to find something neat to look at through the microscope at home. I used to send them out alone...now we go out together!
They understand that fresh = better.
Ethan (8 year old) talks to me all the time about how he knows that fresh food is better than packaged. This is a great lesson to learn so young...and if I can teach him just that one thing, then I feel he'll be much more prepared for life than I was. He also knows that the level of health in food goes fresh - frozen - canned. He knows that too much salt isn't good for you (though try prying the soy sauce out of his hands whenever he has rice...kung-fu grip there!). I'm teaching him and leading by example...that's good!
So, yes...I am selfish. And, yes, I realize now that I have taken over my household and enforced my "skinny" rules on everyone, even though they aren't exactly "fat" to begin with. But I don't feel one ounce of guilt in this. I really don't. Everyone in the world deserves to be healthy. Every person I love should eat well and exercise because *I* want them to have a quality life that they can really enjoy. Where, exactly, is the harm in that?
Of course, my husband admitted to me the other night that he had been having dreams - yes, dreams - about McDonald's and had considered going to town, rushing to the counter and saying, "Give me your fattest, greasiest, highest calorie hamburger." (Now doesn't that sound AWFUL?) I just smiled, glad he hadn't given into his urge.
Thursday, May 06, 2010
So, I've been a bad little girl and weighing myself every day. I know not to do this because my weight likes to fluctuate a LOT, but every day so far it's been down a little bit, down a little bit more. Today...not so great. It said I was up 2 pounds. I even weighed myself twice. I'm trying to not let it stress me out, though I was upset that I wasn't able to do my regular walk yesterday because I spent the night walking around WalMart looking for something for class today. Still, it was walking, and walking I don't normally do...so it counts.
Today is my last day of school, which has been a little emotional. I still have 3 finals to take next week, but that's a completely different class time than the regular classes I have right now. It's a little sad to realize I won't be seeing these people twice a week or more...but we've arranged to get together at least once a month so that we don't lose touch. (I just hope these are the kind of people that do what they say and don't "get busy" later and it all falls apart. I've had that happen before, but these friends are a little different, a little more anal retentive like me, so I think we should be good.)
Still not much time to Spark, which is driving me completely batty! I feel like I'm missing out on all of my Spark Friends' journeys - the ups and downs I should be there to congratulate or sympathize with, but it simply can't be helped right now. So for all of you I've missed this week - Sorry! I'll be back soon, I promise! (And I am one of those people who does what she says she's going to do.)
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
Well, it seems the panic attacks have passed as I've gotten a lot of this work done.
Literary Criticism paper (turned out to be 2 1/2 pages on bell hook's theory of postmodern criticism as a useful tool for defining black experience) is done and turned in.
My Capstone project is nearly complete, and certainly complete enough for me to present it in class tomorrow morning.
I still haven't gotten to the Healthy Living stuff or Race & Gender stuff, but that's not nearly as important.
I have a meeting today on The Awakening, so I need to finish a reread of it (because it's been about a year since I last read it. I have about 4 hours to read about 120 pages.) before then.
Also have a meeting tonight about my presentation for Race & Gender...we'll see if our 3rd group member even shows up...I seriously doubt it. *rolls eyes*
On the upside - I have stayed on track with my food and with my exercise. Completed day 12 (I think it was) yesterday by doing my inStride cycle while reading the beginning pages of The Awakening. (Multi-tasking...gotta love it!) I was forced to think on my feet last night when I realized hubby had frozen the ground turkey I was to use for tacos. I grabbed all the veggies I had in the fridge and pantry and tossed it all in a pot with some vegetable stock to make a wonderfully healthy and amazing tasting Vegetable Soup! YUM!
I keep telling myself that all I have to do is get through this week and the next and I'm golden - and this week is nearly over! Have a really long day tomorrow (work, school, work, school, work, second job at the paper) so it should be fun trying to keep myself awake through that! (Especially considering I have TWO presentations tomorrow! EEK!) Took off work today because...well, because I got very little sleep last night and I really needed to focus on school. Thank God this is almost over or my boss would be getting really anxious about me taking off days here and there. (As of now she is 100% understanding about all of it!)
That's all I've got today for you, SparkFriends! Need to get back to work...
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