Monday, February 28, 2011
Yesterday was Weigh-In Day!
Weight Last Week: 328.0
Weight Goal for This Week: 326.0
Actual Weight This Week: 325.8!
Weight Loss/Gain This Week: -2.2 pounds
SP Starting Weight: 416.2
Highest Weight: 466.6
Weight Lost with SP: 90.4 pounds!
Total Weight Lost from Highest: 140.8!
That's right, ladies and gents...I finally hit my 90 pounds lost with SP! Just 10 pounds to go before I reach that Century mark again! And I've lost a total overall of almost 150 pounds! That's amazing!
So what did I do this week? Well, let's see.
I worked out Monday and Tuesday nights. (At least, I think I worked out Monday... *lol*)
And then I got sick. Super sick. Stay in bed for 2 days and eat very little sick.
By Friday I was feeling better, but I had to skip the gym and head straight from work to perform in the Vagina Monologues (which went very well, I'm proud to say!).
And Saturday we went from Logan's basketball game, to Parkersburg for some car shopping, and then straight to the Theatre again for our last performance.
This week I ate Macaroni & Cheese...and didn't care for it.
This week I let myself worry more about getting better than workouts and calories.
This week I laid off the sweets because I know that being sick and eating sweets is not a good combo.
This week I only ate out a couple times...and had one Margarita to finish out the final performance of VM.
It was great to lose while not really focusing, but I know it was partly a fluke of being sick and finally getting some sleep. This week, if I want to see more changes, I'm going to have to work for them.
I had my second boxing lesson with CT yesterday. It was great! I felt more comfortable. I got a ton of "good!"s from CT. I started finding a rhythm. And, with his help, I also found my left hook. I like the left hook! *lol* Now I have a bunch of combinations I can use at the gym combining 1 (jab), 2 (right cross) and 3 (left hook). I'm still sore from yesterday and while it felt great to have a few days off to let the muscles really heal, I'm still loving the soreness I get from a good workout! Ethan took some photos, so I'll have to see if they are any good and then, if they are, post one or two.
Okay, so onwards...right?
This week the plan is to get back to my exercising and to be nice to my hip.
Step 1 - Get back to the gym!
Not sure if I'll make it there tonight...Hubs is going to be making some calls about cars today and I may have to take off early and drive up to Ohio to buy a new car...we'll see. I packed my gym bag though...just in case. But Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday are set to be workout days nonetheless.
Step 2 - Back to calorie counting and logging
I'm going to stay on top of my calories this week. I went off the game yesterday, but I'm back on it for the rest of the week. No more illness to fall back on, so I need to make sure I stay around 1700 calories.
Step 3 - Don't lose sight of my goals
My two main areas of focus right now are those last 10 pounds to get me to 316.2 and walking 4.5 miles at some point this week to prepare me for the 7k that's coming up in 19 days! I also want to schedule another boxing session this week for sometime in March. This once a month boxing is a great way to switch it up a bit and have a personal trainer for an hour that pushes me to keep going. Three minutes of jabs? Just DO it...don't pout about it. You can't stop. Just go! ....Geez, alright CT...I get it! ;)
Step 4 - Water flush!
While my toilet may be having a problem flushing, I plan on making my body do just that. 10 glasses a day of water minimum. I drank a lot of water this week while I was sick, and I know how good that was for my body. Time to follow that up this week with another stellar flushing performance!
Four goals. Easy, right? Not at all. I have to keep my focus...have to maintain my gaze upon what I really want. I'm not done yet. Not even close. Even though I'm super proud of my accomplishments this far, this is no time to get lazy. I want to rid myself of this belly. I want to see 299 before winter rolls around again. I want to show myself that I can keep going and going and become the person I've always wanted to be. 90 pounds lost has made me stronger, more confident, more able to do the things I want...and more will just get me even closer to all the dreams in my head of a better life for myself and my family.
Away we go! 90 pounds down. Let's see how far we can get with a little patience, understanding, perseverance, and determination!
Friday, February 25, 2011
That's right. This morning I told my bed that we were through...well, at least until tonight.
I'm feeling better today - THANK GOODNESS! I even managed to feel actual hunger pains, instead of the other stomach hurts.
Tonight, however, has me a nervous Nelly. Tonight is the opening of our production of The Vagina Monologues, and due to taking Ethan to the ER and being sick, I've missed the last 2 practices. I know my parts for the most part, because that I can do on my own. We'll have the books with us in case we forget lines or such, but I wanted to have the monologues at least mostly memorized so I didn't have to read them. Still, I'm nervous because I'm not quite sure when to stand up, sit down, etc. I guess I'll get a quick run-through before we start tonight.
I'm also stressed because I can't control everything. I can't control the high winds coming through our area. The heavy rains that might keep people at home. The mud that might lock in my in-laws. I can't control getting my husband to the theater or getting my kids off to a babysitter beforehand. Honestly, I don't know that he'll even show up tonight as we've been fighting off and on lately (being sick and being around each other too much can do that to the best relationships, I think). I can't tell you how my hair will do in this awful weather all day. I can't tell you if everyone else will be as animated as I want them to be. I can't control when the audience laughs no matter how well I deliver my lines. I can't even make people fill the seats...and my biggest fear is that it will all be for nothing and no one will show up.
But that's why I signed myself up for these adventures in the first place. What good would it do me if they were all easy? What good would I get out of it if I didn't learn how to let go a little bit and just trust that things either will or won't work out, and I'll still survive no matter which it is. I'm not jumping out of a plane. The worse thing that could happen would be humiliation, and I've been through that before and survived.
Do you know what else I couldn't control? My boxing instructor needing to reschedule our session. Do you know what happened when he called to reschedule? Uhm, we rescheduled. The world didn't fall apart. I didn't die. My life didn't come to a screaching halt just because the plan changed. I wish I could communicate just how important this lesson has been for me this year...and it relates directly to weight loss and fitness.
Crap happens. You can't control every detail. You can do the best you can and be almost perfect and STILL hit a roadblock. But the world doesn't stop just because you need to take a step back and reevaluate before moving on. Life goes on...and so will I, with a new plan, or even blindly until I find my way. The path does not need to be paved for me to take it. I can make a new path for myself by cutting away the brush if I need to. I don't have to be confined to plans made months and years in advance.
Still, I will make plans.
How could I not?
I'm the girl with the vacation binders! I will always make plans.
But 2011 is teaching me that even when all the plans fail, there can still be fun, there can still be laughter, I can still move forward.
Speaking of plans...did I share the one with you that includes me traveling by myself in a car, driving 16 hours to MN to walk in the 7k with MEZZOANGEL and RAVENSONG? Did I share with you all the plans THEY have made that I'm just going to go with? Anyone who knows me would do a double take if I told them all of this.
First of all - I'm driving alone. I don't exactly do things ALONE very often. I will, but only as last resort. And, sometimes, I say no to things I want simply BECAUSE I don't want to do them alone. But, at least for this trip, I'll be Thelma without my Louise. I'll enjoy the countryside. I'll enjoy the freedom of stopping when I want, eating where I want, taking a detour if I want. I get to make those choices, and I won't have to ask for any permission or worry that I'll hear any whining when I make them. If I want to stop and see the roadside attraction of the world's biggest golf ball or something, I can. That's completely up to me.
Second of all - I'm walking a 7k. I'm facing the challenge head on of not being able to run by putting myself in a race with two friends who WILL be running. My headspace is still a little off when it comes to this challenge, but every day I challenge myself to be proud of the me that is walking, not to shame the me that is not running. As my computer desktop says right now - "I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday."
Third - I'm not the best at meeting strangers. Now, Becks I already know, of course, and love dearly. And while I love Mezzo as well, we've never tried the Real Life on for size, at least not yet. So far I've done well with my Spark meets. Hollynn and Ron are absolutely wonderful people and I crave their wisdom all the time. Becky is like the strongest force of positive energy I've yet to meet who doesn't put on the positivity in a sickeningly sweet sort of way, but in a matter of fact, things are lookin' up, you are going to do what you set out to do, honest to goodness sort of way. As we've already decided, we're sisters from other mothers. Still, I get nervous. Will we get along? Will the online connection translate into real life? Or will we drive each other crazy? What's more - I often find that vacationing with a friend is a true test of any friendship. Anne Marie and I are so close because in 2008 we spent 5 days in cramped quarters in NYC and not ONCE did we fight, not ONCE did we feel like we were getting on the other's nerves. Somehow we just WORKED. So me, going on vacation, and meeting someone new and hanging out with Becks again while both of us vacation...and, oh, why not, let's add in the whole 3 girls thing...because that has NEVER worked out for me for very long. (Though...it did with Sarah, AM and I, so I guess I can't say that anymore).
Anyhow, I guess my point is, this year has so far been more about challenging my own misconceptions of myself and less about simply "losing weight." So far I've boxed and started heavy lifting...but as of tomorrow evening I will be able to say that I acted on stage, and by the end of next month I can say I met another Sparkie, took a 16 hour road trip alone, and challenged myself to a 7k walk when all I really wanted to do was run. And who knows what else I'll be able to put on my list once their plans come out to me fully. (Oh, yea, add to the list the fact that *I* am letting someone else plan! EEP!)
February 25th & 26th - Vagina Monologues
February 27th - Master Zumba class?? and Boxing lesson (4pm)
March 3rd - Last night at the paper
March 16th - The journey to MN begins...
Oh, I wonder what other trouble I could get into along the way.
I wonder what the rest of 2011 holds?
Having plans is a great way to keep yourself motivated.
But learning that plans change and the world doesn't fall apart, is a great reminder that healthy living involves LIVING. Gotta roll with the punches if you want to keep going...
Thursday, February 24, 2011
So it turns out that I'm currently having a co-dependent love affair with my bed. In other words, yep...I got sick. Try as I did to avoid it, it happened. So here I am, still staring at these walls, dreaming of running and going to the gym, and cursing myself every morning when I have to call off work.
It started Tuesday night. I actually got to the gym around 5:30pm...and then Cissy (my PT-ish person) pulled me in to do weight and measurements. Woot...i lost a lousy 4 pounds in a month. *rolls eyes* I didn't even hear if my waist measurement had gone down or not. I had to ASK if my body fat % had dropped - it had. So I talked to her for a bit, changed, talked to Hubs for a minute as he was on an elliptical machine, and then started the Line Dancing class.
I'd been away for a while and it was taking me some time to catch on. Plus, I was a little congested so I was a little slow. At one point, my instructor actually turned to me and said, "You might want to sit this one out." Which, of course, pissed me off to no end. Don't tell me what I can't do. For some reason or another, I got really upset at his insinuation that I was UNABLE. I walked out and refused to finish the class. I went downstairs with Hubs to ST, but only got one exercise in before my Zumba instructor started mentioning how she'd see me upstairs. *sigh* Sometimes, yes, I do feel obligated to do these classes, especially if I'm already AT the gym. Of course, that's partly a good thing, because it pulls me into working out. But I also know it's that leftover part of me that's eager to please so people will like me. :/
Well, even so, I only made it through about 10 minutes of class before I started getting a burning in my chest. I couldn't get a deep breath. It felt like I had something heavy on my chest, pressing down. My mind was trying to figure out what was wrong. I tried taking a break, but I couldn't get it to go back to normal. It HURT! (I also remembered that my blood pressure had been high when Cissy checked it - 150/100 for no apparent reason. WTF?) I got my stuff and fled the gym. I went straight home and straight to bed and turned out the light. I shivered and froze under four covers. I started getting a fever and THUS...I was sick.
I tried to THINK my way out of it. I told myself I could be sick for ONE NIGHT and then I had to get back to life. I had too much to do and I didn't have time to be sick. The next morning, I could NOT get out of bed. I was so completely exhausted I just couldn't move. I told myself I could have the day, and that was it. I felt better around 1pm or so. But by the time dinner rolled around, that 4 or so hours of blissful feeling "alright" had faded into stomach discomfort. I didn't care, I was GOING to work today. AND going to play practice. Opening night is TOMORROW!
GAH! Then this morning I was so dizzy that every time I tried to get to the shower I hit a wall...literally. I realized it was either, call off now, or call off the rest of my life for being DEAD when I crash - especially in the downpour I could hear outside. *sigh* I hated to do it, but I called off.
No clue if I'm going to practice tonight. It's an hour away. Should I drive an hour for an hour long play practice and then drive an hour back? It seems stupid to me. *sigh* I don't know what I'm doing yet. It might be different if Hubs would drive, but I haven't talked to him about that yet. I mean, I did want to try to find some shoes for tomorrow, so I could make the trip worth it, but I don't want to drive down there by myself like this.
The only upside to all of this? Weight has been coming off easy in the past 2 days! *lol* Of course, I know it will go back up once I start eating somewhat normally again. Right now, I'm scared to eat anything. *shrug*
So, in case you were wondering...I'm not here...because I'm totally in love with my bed right now. It's the ONLY thing that keeps me sane...even though my back hurts, my muscles feel like jello already, I have a headache for sleeping for about 30 hours in the past 48, and I want to scratch my eyeballs out for having to look at the same four walls. At least the kitties keep me company sometimes....
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Well, I guess I can't say that my weekend was uneventful...
I got a call right around noon from the kids' school. Ethan was already home sick (since Wednesday) and now Logan had a fever. I went and picked him up. And then Hubs started feeling ill. *sigh* Here I was, one week before I'm supposed to be in the Vagina Monologues, surrounded in a tiny house by sick people coughing everywhere. I did my best to spend my time away. Spent a good deal of time at the gym, washed my hands over and over again. Desperately trying to NOT get sick. Of course, my gym time was cut short when I pulled my hip again. *sigh* And then I was forced to sleep on the couch -- not the most comfortable place to sleep, especially with a sore hip.
Once again, I was the only well person in the house. I went to the gym and closed it out, staying for a good, solid hour and a half or so. Then I headed home and walked the dog, trying to kill even more time. It was a long workout with ST and the like, and a challenge to see just how many crunches I could do. I do mine on the ab recline bench because it has the added benefit of working my hips and it doesn't make my lower back sore. Total before failure? 331. Payback later? SORE hips on both sides! D'oh!
After a little rest, I showered and changed and headed up to my MIL's house. She was having her birthday keg party and I was the only one well enough to go. I hit the store, bought her a few gifts, and then arrived at her house around 6:30pm. I didn't end up getting home until 2am, somehow avoiding the house for a great deal of time. I did have 2 glasses of beer, and a few snacks, but I spent a good part of the night dancing. Payback later - sore legs in addition to my sore hips, abs and arms (from ST). Again, I was stuck sleeping on the couch. OW!
Okay, so here's where the title comes in.
Weight Last Week: 329.4
Weight Goal for This Week: 327.4
Actual Weight This Week: 328.0
Weight Loss/Gain This Week: -1.4 pounds
Needless to say, it pissed me off. I had been good all week. I had managed to keep my head above water even when I was thrown a dozen curve balls. And I stuck to the plan about 99% of the time. I wanted my two pounds. I needed them. I fell short. I considered myself a failure. It was a bad morning. It was a worse day.
Nearing noon, I began to worry about Ethan. He got sick first, on Wednesday. He was running a fever for days, but it had been gradually decreasing. He seemed on the mend. He actually felt well enough Saturday morning to eat 2 bowls of Ramen noodles. And now he looked just as bad as he did when he started on Wednesday. I took his temperature and realized his fever had spiked again to 103, and somehow I knew that enough was enough. I got him and myself dressed and drove him to the ER. I kept telling myself I was overreacting and he was just fine, but something in my gut said - "Better safe than sorry!" I also know there's a round of flu going around here that no flu shot can match, and I had a sneaky suspicion that there had been a case of H1N1 flu too (later confirmed). So I laughed at myself and asked the triage nurse if I was overreacting and she said they would do some tests and it was probably just the flu...they'd seen a lot of flu cases recently.
First he was swabbed for strep and the flu. I figured that would be the end of it.
Next they came in with a wheelchair and my heart stopped. They were taking him for chest x-rays.
I calmed myself down with the "they're just trying to cover all their bases" motto.
Then they took blood. (and he just about had a panic attack because he looked at the tube of blood coming out of his arm and got scared)
I told myself they just wanted to be sure it was viral, not bacterial.
And then they came in to give him a breathing treatment.
HOLD THE EFFIN' PHONE. What?! Breathing treatment?
Yep. I got nervous. They don't do breathing treatments for the flu. At least, I'd never heard of such a thing. They only people who get breathing treatments are little kids with asthma, people who have troubles breathing, trouble with their airways. HOLY CRAP!
As he slept, I cried. We waited so long for news.
Turns out his flu turned into to bacterial bronchitis. They gave him some antibiotics and said he could go back to school on Tuesday. By the time we left he was asking for 2 chicken sandwiches from McDonald's and I was happy to give him anything he would eat considering he had eaten so little in the past 5 days.
After the ordeal there, I was a stress eating monster.
McChicken sandwich. Would've been fine if I stopped there.
Also bought a bag of Whopper Robin Eggs at the store because I needed something to crunch and was stressed as hell because Rite-Aid was out of his antibiotics.
Then I ate fries that I didn't even LIKE.
Oh, and then later, once I went back out to get his prescription and groceries, I grabbed pizza and took it home.
It was a hard night. I was upset over the mediocre weigh-in. I was upset over seeing my little boy so fragile. I was just plain ole upset and stressed out.
Oh, and to add insult to injury, I sent a message to the girl in charge of the play to let her know I wouldn't be at rehearsal because I was in the hospital with my son. Instead of asking if he was alright or saying something nice and sympathetic, she started hounding me about when I could meet next and how *I* should contact this place again to see if we could meet there. I wanted to strangle her. I eventually had to tell her, "I can't deal with this right now because MY CHILD IS IN THE HOSPITAL!" *sigh* Some people!
I did finally get to sleep in bed, as Hubs said I needed it now more than him so I could heal properly and get back to 100% for my play. He washed all the sheets and blankets and insisted that I sleep in bed that night.
Of course, Hubs made me feel guilty about taking the bed the next day, because he realized just how uncomfortable the couch was. *sigh* I was so super sore. I was upset. I ate like it.
A big salad with lite ranch
It was a really hard weekend and I have to say that I'm kinda glad it's over.
Today I put in my resignation with the paper.
Today I sent my e-bill in for February.
Today I will entrance my first case.
Today I will finally memorize completely my monologues.
Today I GUESS I will HAVE TO call the stupid school to ask for a place to practice (why the girl running this damn thing isn't doing it, I don't know...she's pissing me off so much...I'll be happy when the whole thing is over).
Vagina Monologues - Friday and Saturday nights
Boxing Lesson #2 - Saturday afternoon
Master Zumba Lesson (?) - Sunday
This week goals:
No more stress eating.
Back on task.
Lots of water.
Lots of cardio.
Finish all ST, or at least try each one.
No eating out.
Weight Goal: 326.0
Friday, February 18, 2011
Okay, I am seriously considering seeing a doctor about this hip situation. I need to know if I should just stop trying to run altogether or if there is something I can do to correct my problems. I ran again today. First interval felt great. I ran at 5.0 for 1/10th of a mile and it felt awesome. I waited a LONG time, walking at a regular pace, before I tried to run again. The first .08 miles of the second interval were fine, but those last .02 put me into a tailspin of regret, concern and just plain anger. Seriously, I'm angry. I'm a runner at heart who is physically unable to run, and it's killing me mentally. Not sure what I'm going to do yet, but I'm honestly considering calling the doc for a consultation on the matter.
Second of all, I signed up yesterday for the Get Lucky 7k in Minnesota, which I will walk while RAVENSONG and MEZZOANGEL run their hearts out ahead of me. Yes, I'm sure you can hear the disappointment in my voice, but I'm trying to get over it. I never thought I'd still be in the same place after a year. I've come so far physically, lost a lot of weight and inches, am stronger than I've ever been, can walk much faster than I could when I started, but running just isn't in the cards for me. It's what's been holding me back from signing up for any races thus far, but for some reason I woke up yesterday and told myself I had to do another race, even if I walked every step, I had to do it.
The problem right now is figuring out how to get there without killing my bank account. I have a lot of research to do on rental cars and airfare, but I have a feeling I'm going to be mad at myself for a long time for spending money when I *should* be saving it for the wedding in July. I'll figure it out, but right now I'm stressing major over it.
Third, I spent most of the morning FINALLY putting up my non-Spark blog.
I don't know why, but I think I need to share my story with non-Sparkers too. It's not a complete page yet, and only has one post, but I hope it will help me focus my ramblings here into more concrete posts on this wacky, crazy year I'm giving myself. This is my own version of Eat, Pray, Love - just without the Italians and Indians and such. I want to see if I can accomplish something similar right here at home (or, at least, in the continental U.S.).
Finally, it's likely needless to say, but my workout today was disappointing. In addition to the hip issues, I also had to opt out of one of my ST workouts because I just couldn't do it, couldn't even attempt it -- pull ups. HA! No. Not happening. I'm smarter than that. I have enough problems right now without knocking myself out by literally crashing on the floor when I fail and pulling every muscle in my upper body while I'm at it.
This week has been crazy. TONS of work for me to do, mixed in with nearly day-long training. Plus, I've had to step in and help out since one of our longtime employees up and retired without giving us any notice and then left days later, likely never to return. *sigh* Now I'm home for four days, both of my sons have the flu (Ethan's on the last day, I think, while Logan just started), and even though the weather is nice I'm feeling stressed and down and just want to sleep with an icepack on my hip (or a bag of frozen corn, which is what's on it right now).
Feeling very blah. Still sticking to workouts and nutrition goals anyhow, but I'm not having an UP day...let's just put it that way. Maybe tomorrow will be better. *shrug*
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